Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Are we human or are we Jedward?

Why?

Land of nod task is ongoing. We're tired of it already. Dream clouds! I think the entertainment value is done there.
Aw to James C comforting Stacy when she's crying. What a lovely guy. Quite dull, but lovely.
We don't even GET to know why Brandon is having a hard time, he's so dull. Give us a crumb, Brandon! Throw us one bone, mate.
Angie enjoyed arguing with Stacy last night. OK then. She's such an arse. Why is everyone on Stacy's case? I don't even like her but it's not pleasant to watch. She's got Austin, Angie, Jasmine and Nicola on her case. Is she being bullied? She's definitely being marginalised.
Jasmine is annoyed by an unspecified Jedward waving a banana in her face. 'I don't even know if they're human or have feelings. They're just robotic little wind up toys.' Weeeelll. That's their main appeal!
Stacy knows Tom Cruise from being a Scientologist. Now James is slagging off Scientology, oops. Stacy: 'It's pretty phenomenal.' Ah, she's admitted she's one. 'Well, if it works for you.' This means, 'You're nuts.' I'd ask her more about it! It's interesting.
Jamie 'treats women like an an animal in bed.' The old Fatboy chat up line, hey. Mind you, he's a footballer, so not sure he should brag about that. They're not known for their appropriate sexual conduct, are they?
At least Brandon came back to say goodbye. I would have just skulked out of the diary room cos I hate goodbyes. James J crying, lol. Spencer's probably like, another one bites the dust. Two down... how many to go?
Brandon and James C's heartfelt goodbye! Aw.
Jedward are like my friends stopping me trying to leave the pub. If he wants to go, he wants to go. Give the man a break.
James J to Brandon: 'You didn't affect anyone else.' Especially not the viewers.
OMG I can't believe Jamie kicked off at Jedward like that! They were trying to be nice. Jamie is an aggressive twat. What did they even do?!
'What's real about you? You're the biggest joke act I've ever seen. You're just fucking noise.' What are you? A pug nosed, midget, racist-marrying, wife-leading-on piece of shit, fuck off. I think he actually upset Jedward. They DO have emotions!
Brandon is getting so much airtime, honestly. Leave already!
Speidi counselling Jedward, I love it.
Jamie: 'I don't like arguing.' You didn't argue, you just shouted at two people for no reason who were trying to be nice. Jedward ARE adults, FFS. Patronising twat. The way they dealt with him and didn't rise to it showed that.
Another shit stir task, quoting the housemates. They fucked up the 'Bonka from the strip club' line. Haha, Jedward got called on the 'biggest nobodies' line. Loved James J calling them 'nasty little fuckers', hahaha. Jedward on backtrack mode, lol.
Calum is constantly trying to manage his mum, ha. I hope he's having a shit time in there. Both him and his mum are ruining my experience of the programme.
Austin admitting to Coleen that 'he has an issue with drinking.' Well, that's the first step. The second is to drink less. I shant hold my breath.
Angie, stop pretending you don't know what a gameplayer is. Calum's face is a picture every time his mum talks. He looks under the cosh.
Oh, the task is over. They passed the shopping task. I don't even remember there being a secret aspect to it.
Oh god, new housemates are coming tomorrow. I bet it's someone cheap. It will be some TOWIE wankers. And the weekend from hell. I wonder what that means. I'm hearing rumours it's Bear. God, I hope not. Ruthless. If it's the weekend from hell, just put Katie Hopkins, Perez and Bear in, job done.
Bianca's one job in the house, trying to keep Austin on a leash. She does a reasonable job of it.
Austin vs Stacy again, zzz. Stacy is right, she can talk about whatever she wants. Having knowledge of getting yourself papped is hardly something to brag about. Just ask Lisa Appleton.
Jamie on Jedward: 'They're either really dumb or really clever.' That smoking crew are coming off like a bunch of cunts and bullies. Jedward got more readies than you bitches put together.
Nicola: 'I just want to leave to cheers rather than boos.' Good luck with that.
Austin is trying to argue with Calum about the size of his feet. Then saying he likes Stacy. WTF. He's either drank too much or not enough. I'm glad they're being nice to Stacy for once. I guess Jedward are the new kicking post.
Jamie: 'You're coming across amazing' to Nicola. Calum: 'We will break this chick.' That's Calum's true personality leaking out. Oozing out, I should say.
Jasmine to Stacy: 'You have so much to offer this world, I love you.' Calm down. Faaaaaaakke.
What time to Speidi go to bed? Why are they never on this show anymore! Boo!
Is Jasmine patting Calum's knob? Is that the sexual scenes we were promised? Jibbed!
Save Austin and Speidi! (And James C). I think Tracy will be saved anyway. I want Angie to go and take her kale, her gameplan and her son with her. BYE!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Sands of (air)time

'Who do I start fights with?'

I heard Brandon Block has walked, ruining all my 'on the block' titles to come. Damn you! Still, ultimately no great loss. He wasn't even a let down, cos I didn't really know what to expect from him, but he gave absolutely nothing. Another one bites the dust. Hopefully we'll get a newbie now, maybe?
New task takes place in the land of nod! They have to wear PJs and carry a teddy.  Nicola and James J are in charge. No sleeping, no lying down, no yawning, no hot water or make up. It's a bit unfair to take away make up as it unfairly penalises women and not men. And don't give me that 'some men wear make up' bullshit. No men in there are this year. Oh hold on, maybe Jedward.
I can see up James C and Brandon Block's nighties, oo-er!
James Jordan admitting he's trying to wind up Austin. Dick. I HATE James Jordan. I can't believe people actually like him, he's revolting. Not one redeeming feature. At least Austin has a good side, even if he is hiding it well at the moment.
Angie has to ruin the fun of trampolining by bringing lymph nodes into it. Ha, Calum is telling her to STFU.
Jedward are looking a bit wee willy twinkie tonight.
What is Stacy going on about? Oh, she's calling Jasmine fake. Jasmine is fake. Fake as fuck. What set Stacy off, though? 'LOUDER!' Hold on, Stacy has mascara on. Maybe she slept in it?
Coleen: 'Why would you come in and sing your own song?' It's called promoting yourself, Coleen.
James has put Stacy and Austin on sand watch so they have to sit with each other. Austin: 'I haven't antagonised anyone.' Ha. Nicola: 'The task is just turning egg clocks.' Or egg timers, as we call them.
I do enjoy Stacy rubbing Austin up the wrong way, even though I can't stand her.
Jedward chatting with Speidi about James J and Austin: 'It's like the two biggest nobodies are the biggest attention seekers.' Meow! True, though. I guess it was inevitable Jedward and Spiedi teamed up. They are both in their own worlds and both inscrutable.
James Jordan and Nicola ordering a McDonalds. Spencer sniffing it. Weird.
Angie slagging off chicken nuggets as 'a bit of anus that gets stuck in your tooth.' But the advert says otherwise! Haha. Meal ruiner. Enjoyment destroyer! Jamie O Hara sniffing chicken nuggets. Nuggets are OK, but they're not that good. I'm not sure if that was good advertising for McDonalds or bad.
There's now a task where some people are blindfolded and the others have to be their eyes and ears. I can't really be bothered to explain it, ha.
Ray J doesn't even get a final DR session. Big Brother is really annoyed with him, aren't they? Lawsuit!
Jamie O Hara is bawling about missing his kids in the DR. Boo woo. How often does he even see them anyway? Sorry, that was a bit mean. But I'm leaving it in cos I dislike him.
Oh, Jamie can't talk to Calum about his feelings cos 'he's a lad.' Please. Grow up, you sexist prick. It's not the 1950s.
Jedward mocking the 'louder and louder' thing is funny.
Jasmine wants to send out a message that 'women can figure it out.' This is the fakest thing I've ever heard. Is Jasmine even on the block to be coming out with this bullshit?
Jedward's face at Jamie crying, haha. Yet when Nicola takes him outside, he's moaning about 'big characters'. So is he upset about kids or lack of airtime? Clue: It's the airtime.
Dear Lord, the James Jordan museum. That's terrifying. That's some dystopian shit. Angie: 'Look how skinny you were!' Hahaha. Fat shamer of the year. God, she's unstoppable.
I never did this poll! Ha, the audience said James C is a bigger dreamboat that James J.
Heidi and Spencer's joy at being named 'manipulative'! 
Jasmine is the least deserving 'all star.' And James J is the most deserving? Are the audience high? Who filled in this poll! Coleen is not two faced either. She's outwardly rude.
I saw this slumber party bit on the live feed. Stacy not picked for the party! Mean. And Angie as she doesn't like food or drink or enjoyment.
Angie sure knows how to make a situation worse. She's a bit of a cunt, really. It's not just the food and drink tyranny, it's just her personality is quite abrasive in general.
Angie vs Stacy is a dull argument. I hate the way people call Stacy 'girl' in an argument, Austin did it as well. I think you know what I'm saying.
Spencer's dancing face is the best. I feel like I've had a glipse of his orgasm face. I also like Austin's lapdancing. And tasks where they keep them up all night. Shame we never get to see any of it! Thanks, Big Brother! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: My sanity is being compromised

Edited out

Austin looks like he's on a mega airtime grab tonight! Bring it. It's not vote to evict so the more airtime he gets the better, even if he is being a brat.
It's the morning after the night before. I like Jamie saying 'I don't even remember getting home last night', that was actually funny for him. Oh so Nicola has a hall pass because her husband cheated?! That's good. Nice to have a get out of jail card in your back pocket. I hope her husband agrees. If not, oh well.
Angie to Calum: 'Take a night off drinking. Your liver can't work that hard.' Guarantee you he's drinking later. I give her a pass on that one as his dad was an alcoholic so I can see why she'd worry about it with her son.
Jasmine: 'Stacy is a hot mess. Her clothes are worn in.' That's mean. Jasmine is really catty. I don't see Stacy saying shit about her.
Spencer and James Jordan are plotting to wind up Austin. James Jordan would let someone punch him in the face in the house because they'll 'lose their money'. Form an orderly queue, housemates.
I like Big Brother giving Angie a task which is guaranteed to wind up the other housemates, detoxing them.
Spiedi do not look thrilled at the prospect of detoxing. I like Jedward's sunglasses indoors look.
Angie is picking all the fatties. James C looks pissed off. He doesn't want to 'share his body.' Coleen needs 'unclogging.' Sounds nasty. Why is Ray J hiding behind his hoodie and asleep all the time? Is he depressed? He's a useless housemate, that's for sure. She also chose Brandon and Calum, haha. Unlucky.
Ha, they're not allowed to smoke without approval from Angie or Big Brother. Angie should have put Austin on the detox. *lights fire*
Nicola is tired of people telling her to work out or what to eat. Nicola: 'I don't drink water, it's for washing.' You have a bottle of it in your hand?
Brandon: 'Kebabs my downfall.' Well, it beats cocaine, healthwise.
Ray J is eating too much toast and doesn't know 'how to cook lettuce.' He 'usually has a chef.'
Angie telling Ray J he's gained weight! She's going to give him an eating disorder.
OMG Angie is going to make them fast or eat leaves. This is horrendous.
Angie: 'This task won't cause animosity' as she calls everyone fat. I must admit, I would be like Coleen during this task.
Ray J meditating: 'Peace, happiness... smoking.' At least he's being forced to do something. Angie is really laying into Ray J! 'You're slime.. grow up and stop whining.' What a bitch!
Calum apologising to Ray J on his mum's behalf, haha. Now he's trying to tell her to settle down. Calum: 'Ray J mopes about anyway.' Ha. Why is he so mopey? (Answer revealed later!)
Calum is shitting himself that Angie is going to get nommed. Hold on, she's already nommed!
Austin has one eye on dip and one on dazzle... uh oh. If he was my boyfriend that would be the warning sign to bolt the door. Aggressive drunks are the worst.
Austin: 'Not to be a bitch but I don't like you' to Stacy out of nowhere. Austin is worried for Ray J's wife. As if. He's always fake concerned for other people's relationships, it's so transparent.
Oh God, now James Jordan is getting involved. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
Calum: 'Austin loves a row.' Aint that the truth.
James Jordan: 'You're a boring cunt throughout the day then you have a drink and become an even bigger cunt.' Weeeellll. What's your excuse, James?
I'm glad Stacy is sticking up for herself. Austin: 'You don't understand the game.' Nor do you, Austin, it's to be likeable and popular! Look at Jamie O Hara sat there saying fuck all and enjoying the show. Fencesitter!
Austin basically just admitted he nommed Stacy. Stacy: 'I laugh too loud and love too hard.' I relate to half of that.
Why is Big Brother giving them a game at 11.23pm when they're drunk?! And a shitstir task at that. Spencer, Jasmine and Coleen have been named most untrustworthy by the public.
Bianca didn't understand the 'edited out' tweet. She's a bit dim. Spencer's reading out loud skills are abominable. Can't Heidi do it for him? You could tell Spencer wasn't lying from his reading out!
Heidi not reacting to the 'batteries out of her back' comment. Oh no, she did. Spencer: 'She's solar powered.' Heidi actually took that well in the end, doing a robot voice.
Ha, they're making Jasmine read out the 'cuter than her' about Stacy thing. I recomended they did that!
I think Ray J is on the mute task that Austin had last year. Why does he look like he's got a balaclava on all the time! It's like he's trying to disappear into the wall.
Why is Spencer standing there with his eyes closed? Weird. Maybe his batteries have run out.
Coleen is crying cos the public said she was fake. They didn't, they said she was untrustworthy.
You think Jasmine would apologise to Stacy, if she wasn't such a cunt. 'I was joking!' Jasmine is not known for her hilarious jokes, let's be honest. More her bewitching vagina.
Stacy is right, Jasmine is mean. Oh, finally she said sorry from behind her toothbrush. Big of her.
Austin, it's not that hard to be apart from your boyfriend for six days. I've not seen another human for ten days, let alone anyone I love, or even like.
Austin is having an old skool DR breakdown. 'Fuckin' hell!' Why is he stripping off? I'm not complaining but...!
'This is a nasty evil place.' They need to send in that security guard who shit Bear up. I must admit, I would feel nervous living in that house with Austin. He's a powder keg. I can't be around aggressive drunks. It's not cool to make people feel on edge like that. Even my cat just turned round and faced the opposite way to the TV.
Austin is gonna sleep on it. What a performance! Honestly. Did they really give him more booze after that? Big Brother is being a bit irresponsible with the housemates' welfare this year.
The detox task is over already! That was quick. More booze all round! Twice as much for Austin (and Nicola!)
James Jordan: 'Can I open the door for you if you leave?' Haha. Austin: 'My sanity is being compromised.'
James J: 'There's always someone who talks about leaving but they never walk.' James is trying to push Austin over the edge. James: 'The door's just there.'
Austin: 'James you will get punched in the mouth.' James: 'Make sure it's a good one.' Threats of violence! James is a wind up merchant and Austin is an easy target. I hate James! Ugh.
Nicola and Austin are being pricks in bed, giggling and messing about. Did Austin just pinch James's arse?
God, they're in bed and arguing. Could you imagine how annoyed you'd be in that house if people were arguing in bed?
Austin: 'My mum told me that Billy Elliot was a bad ass.' Ha. James: 'You'll walk within two days.' Ooh, way to make Austin stay.
James: 'You'll probably have another boyfriend next year.'
Austin: 'No one asked you Coleen, go to sleep in your single bed.' James: 'Your boyfriend won't be waiting for you.' That's a low blow.
The glee on Spencer's face when they were arguing. Sweet dreams!
So why has Ray J left the Big Brother house? Oh apparently because of dental pain. That would explain his top being zipped up over his mouth the whole time. I'm surprised anyone noticed. Poor sod didn't even get to sleep in a bed the whole time he was there. You think someone might have swapped with him for the night?!
I'm sure Big Brother is pleased he's going. They got the Kim Kardashian scoop and the Whitney scoop; he had nothing else to offer. Hopefully Big Brother will spend some of his fee on some decent tasks, or a decent new housemate who is awake some of the time.
Oh, yeah I did my podcast today! Enjoy. Also, my cat has turned back round to face the TV now it's over! Enough said.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Footballers' wives

Her hair still looks good at least

Hi! I made some podcast notes today. Just a few. It's a start.
Ooh, nominations! And I don't know who's up! I know Jedward are immune though. Happy days!
Bianca's eyelashes are more 'evening out' than 'breakfast time'. I hope they have enough hairspray in that house to keep Jedward's quiffs afloat.
Oh God, not this one night stand bullshit with Calum again. Calum works his arse off to not be the person he actually is, despite calling himself a 'red blooded male' in his VT. What does 'red blooded male' mean? All humans (even us delicate ladies!) have red blood. I assumed it to mean 'fanny rat' and still do unless I hear otherwise.
Bit crap that half the people can't nominate this week. I like seeing the nominations! We're the ones getting jibbed by the dumb edited out task.
Calum nominated Stacy for being loud (ie. black). And Speidi for being entertaining (I mean, pushing buttons.)
Jasmine nommed Stacy as well for asking 'personal questions'. Jasmine wouldn't have got on well with Perez then. Jasmine also nominated Brandon for 'not being fun' and if she was alone with him she'd have to stick her thumb up her arse. Whatever floats your boat.
Jamie nommed James J for saying he has no balls, even though he doesn't, and Stacy for being loud (ie. black).
James Jordan nominated Stacy for being 'fiery' and Austin (boo!) I'm surprised Austin didn't cop more votes so far, tbh. James J: 'I don't want to hurt his feelings at the moment.' At the moment!
Jedward on the pile of cushions is fun. Sorting out their packages too, oo-er.
Brandon is brushing his teeth. That's gonna take a while.
Jasmine not allowed to put her hand on people's legs now? WTF is this! You should know better, Austin. Look at the way you were with James Hill! (Which was amazing)
Apparently Jedward are throwing orange peel on the floor. Calum: 'They live in a bubble.' Nicola is about to shred it.
I love the way Jedward diffused the situation with a Jed-hug, lol. They never cared.
Haha, now Edward is annoying Angie's meditation session. She looks like she's gonna kill him!
Even if Jedward have been told to act up by the producers, I don't care! It's entertaining.
Jamie is doing some 'locker room talk'. What a dick this guy is. That's the sort of story you don't admit on TV.
Ooh, nominations are still going on. Coleen nominated Ray J. Curveball. And Angie! Not really surprised. Why would you feel guilty about eating in front of Angie? Fuck her! It's up to you what you eat.
Nicola nominated Ray J for sleeping too much (cop out) and Angie for going on about food nutrition (good). I'm glad Angie's copping some.
Jedward nommed Austin for 'going from a pancake to a gargoyle.' And Jasmine also for being all over the place. 'One second she's happy, the next second she's asleep'. Just like everyone on earth.
There's been quite a spread of noms. I like James Jordan being mummified. I want coloured loo roll, and cool colours, not just pastels. Where can I get them?
Austin nominated Stacy and Speidi. I love the way Austin says 'dickheads.'
Angie nommed Speidi because Spencer said he was going to win it (ha) and for antagonising. True. And Austin! Boo. She's nomming all the entertainment. 'Austin is on the emotional edge.' True. He does turn. I hate an angry drunk.
Speidi nommed Austin for yelling at Heidi and making her feel scared (bitch, please) and Biana for taking water off them and for giving Heidi dirty looks, haha. I wish this were true but I suspect it's just a figment of their fevered imagination (yes, they share one between them).
Stacy bragging about fucking Wesley Snipes, haha. 'He has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life.' Thanks for that.
James C is shocked with the self obsession about looks and appearance. He's concerned about his career. Why has he done it then! 'I'm nearly 70, should I be caring.' Coleen: 'I don't think this takes away from you being a fantastic actor.' True. I'm glad he's enjoying it. I wonder how much he got paid?
So up for eviction are Stacy, Austin, Speidi, Ray J, Angie and of course, James C. I wouldn't be surprised if Ray J goes, he's so dull. I hope Angie goes.
Big Brother is telling them how many noms each person got. Austin is fuming cos he got four and Speidi got 3.
Calum: 'I can't believe you only got three.' to Speidi. Hilarious.
Calum explaining the rules to his ma. I bet he's secretly hoping she goes too, bhahaha.
How are James Jordan and Coleen not up? They're so annoying!
Spencer on Austin: 'As long as he keeps drinking he's one step away from snapping.' So insightful and so accurate.
Austin is mad cos he's the 'third most disliked in the house.' No medals for that.
Bianca is annoyed about being called 'Bionka.' I think I'd like it if an American mispronounced my name. Austin is more American than ever. Is he not living in Yorkshire anymore? Austin is drunk and disorderly. Is he one sip away though? Bianca must be running out of patience with him. I am, and I like him! I think Austin could have a 'Nadia on BB All stars' type eviction coming up, and that will crush him.
Austin is in his undies now he's on the block. Austin: 'I feel like you're up Ray's arse' to Stacy. Ha, Austin calling someone else loud. Pot, kettle, black.
Austin's body is still hot! They just need to do that task where they make him mute again. I can see the head of his penis in those pants.
Nicola seems a bit sweet on Jamie. I think she's drunk. She's putting hands on legs! SLUT etc. Sigh.
What can't chubby, old James Jordan deal with, Austin's ding dong? Jealous!
Nicola is SHIT FACED. OMG. Jamie said 'I've got your back, I love you.' But he has 'too much respect for his bruv' to kiss her. Sexist terminology (ie. she's owned by another man otherwise he would) and I give it two days before he cracks.
Nicola is gurning! What are they drinking in there, crystal meth? Now she's trying to snog Calum. Fucking hell, this is awkward. Someone put her to bed. Don't let her sit there doing that while everyone looks. It's entertaining, but it shouldn't be entertainment.
'I know her husband' isn't much defence in this or any situation.
James Jordan is the only one who tried to put her to bed. I actually respect him for that.
Nicola reminds me of me when I was at my friend Dawns and ended up with one contact lens just stick to the outside of the case.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel sorry for Nicola (and her hangover). Imagine watching that back. She won't even remember it! The trolls are already rubbing their hands in glee, gloating about divorce. Well her husband already cheated, so lets not get it twisted.
Vote to save! Woo. I'm gonna VTS Austin cos I still love him and I would hate to see him go first.
Hopefully pod tomorrow if I'm up to it? Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Sunday Best

The new fab Macca

Evening! Eight days into the year and I'm still half dead. Still, here we go.
Sexual themes! Ooh. Oh it's gonna be Jasmine and the two bores. That is NOT sexual. Jedward in the bath their previous time on CBB: now THAT was sexual. (OK, I'm sick, forgive me)
Jamie is coming off as such a creep leering over Jasmine doing her exercise and getting jealous of a Jedward.
Austin and Spencer are having a war about keeping the door open or shut. James Jordan is pouring fuel on the fire. Who's going to throw the first punch? And more importantly, why is Spencer wearing a bright pink hoodie? It has shades of Daley's salmon 'aggressive' ejected hoodie.
OMG Spencer bingewatched Jedward's series. Yes! He always does his research.
I don't think James and Spencer meshing their names together works. Now Nicola is opening the door. Now James Jordan is piping up. James Jordan is ruining the Austin vs Speidi war by existing. He can't cut it in the villian stakes. He's just monotone and really fucking dull. I really feel sorry for his wife.
Jedward have their hair different. I think I can tell them apart now. John has more of a pointy face and he's more brainy (relatively).
Secret task! And not even 'the real task is...' What, they have to eat pizza without Bianca noticing? What sort of task is this.
I like Stacy saying she gets horny and 'can't take care of herself.' Good diversion tactic .
The housemates all huddled behind a sofa eating pizza. I can't imagine Spencer and Heidi being down for that with their germophobia. You think Bianca could smell it?
I love Jedward giving Austin pizza out of his pocket and Austin took it! Haha.
James Jordan: 'Women should not be sleeping with younger men.' Shut up. He's just making shit up to cause trouble. Called it!
James C has to bring a pony through the house so Bianca doesn't notice. Angie is doing a good diversion tactic with the meditating.
'I am the Lord Commander... and this is my steed.' Tony the Pony probably preferred working with James C than the GC.
Brandon is doing a secret rave in the snug... and has pigtails. Interesting. Spencer: 'Does this work?' about the decks. Brandon: 'No.' He's still going for it, though.
Is Austin fake crying for the task or real crying? Oh fake crying! Austin: 'I'm fat and I smoke and I eat shit.' Lol. I loved his 'don't move, I've got a surprise for you.' This is the Austin we like.
Jedward are workshopping their best bits already. Don't worry, you'll have plenty more to come!
I liked that task, it was fun. Like a classic BBUK task.
More takeaway as a reward! Don't tell Angie.
Stacy is feeling horny but no one is up for it, appaz. Maybe she could fuck Jedward. Oh she fancies Calum! And Brandon!? WTF. 'You know he will pull your hair.' OMG. Is Brandon attached? I fear for him. How can you fancy him with those teeth, though. Yuck. Plus his hair! He looks like a tramp.
James Jordan wiggling his bum is so unsexy. Ah, the others calling him camp as fuck, ha.
The music they're playing for the party is fucking awful.
Calum to his mum: 'When you dance like that it's totally fine.' The fact you needed to say that tells me otherwise.
I love Big Brother giving them a shitstir task to ruin the day. James told Jamie to grow some balls ie. molest Jasmine.
Ooh, Nicola and Jasmine locking horns. Oh God, Coleen has to do a lapdance. Jesus. Coleen wiggling her bum at Calum, OMG. Why is everyone covered in glitter?
Spencer asking Jasmine to choose between Calum and Jamie, brilliant. And she chose Calum! Jamie was all red in the face! Ouch.
Coleen fancying Calum is so grim. 'Calum's the one night stand and Jamie is for a relationship.' LOL at Calum stomping off. What a knobend. Stacy is going to try and pounce on Calum.
Calum was right snitty with Stacy as well. You're not all that Calum! You look like a potato. There is a real hottie shortage in there. Austin is a million times sexier than Calum.
Everyone is alluding to who they're going to nominate. Spencer: 'That game has changed my whole nomination schedule.' I like the fact he has a nominations schedule.
Coleen now telling Jasmine she leads Jamie on. Coleen just wants Calum for herself.
Jasmine doesn't want to mess with Jamie cos of his kids and the ex, known racist Danielle Lloyd. I mean, who would want to take that on? Grim. Coleen doesn't want the public thinking Jasmine is a player, even if Coleen thinks it.
All the celebs vaping this year. I remember when they could smoke inside the house. Spencer's gold vape looks fancy. 
God, Calum trying to autocorrect his image so bad. Most people just think you're a boring twat not a fanny rat, don't worry about it, mate. I thought you were gonna let loose in the house this time? I didn't realise what that entailed was throwing little hissy fits like a big old baby. He is getting WAY too much airtime. More Jedward, please.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother

Hobo-chic

Frank discussion about gun control laws? You tease us, Big Brother!
Brandon does not look good in the morning. Or at any other time, honestly.
Austin is calling the water hiding 'a crime.' Bit strong.
It wasn't four bottles they took, it was at least eight. But enough with watergate. Let's move onto tonight's argument. Oh, no, still with the water.
Ray J thinks Heidi is 'spiritual'. 'Why can't people just drink the tap water?' The man speaks sense. Stacy: 'There's poison in tap water.' Ray J: 'No this is British tap water.' First the UKIP shirt, now toadying to our tap water. The man is a gamer!
There's one bed left and we presume Jedward share a bed, so it's fine. Coleen is not happy about the prospect of Jedward coming in. Hopefully they'll cause her to have a 'Frank Carson's dressing room' moment like her (equally) sour-faced sister.
The Americans are teaching James Jordan about guns. Austin: 'Brits will never get it.' I fucking hope not. James: 'Cos we're more intelligent.' I hate being on James Jordan's side in an argument.
Ugh, this 'love triangle' storyline with the two divs and Jasmine is going to get my goat.
Jamie seems like a bit of a spiteful shrew. He's always whining about money. He wants to be 'a little bit appreciated for paying out a fortune for his kids.' They're YOUR FUCKING KIDS. Who else is gonna pay for them? Danielle Lloyd's racist magazine deals aren't going to feed three boys. He wants to have a life for himself. Cry me a river.
Nicola is one upping other 'WAG's. What's her job again? And sticking the knife in Danielle Lloyd! That's my job. Me and Jamie O Hara.
Coleen is right, Heidi is a bit of a Stepford wife. But it's something weirder than that. And more interesting.
Calum is bitching that Katie Price nommed him in the house. Get over it! You were both boring fencesitting dullards. Bring back Perez! Angie trying to have a go at Heidi for no reason. Talk about ready for a row.
I hate this little footballer toad. He's so ugly. Jasmine is way out of his league. She said she missed CBB after she left last time. Missed Lee Ryan's charms, more like. I'd much rather get off with Lee Ryan than Calum or Jamie.
Nicola is jealous that Bianca and Jasmine are BFFs and she's not, ha. What a shame.
Austin and Stacy doing a little slutshaming of Jasmine, who hasn't even kissed anyone (yet).
Angie is trying to hook Jasmine up with Jamie (to keep her away from Calum). Jamie is starting to look a little desperate.
Coleen: 'You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother.' Well, you definitely won't. And Big Brother is thick as shit.
James C: 'Is it alright if I go in and wind up the housemates by pretending to pack?' LOL. What a dude.
Stacy is happy to see James C fake go. I love James going 'you wish!' Haha. What a monkey.
Jedward time! Ray J: 'Are they big?' Nicola: 'No.' Cackles. Ray J: 'Are they just joking?' Weeeeellll.
Austin is eyeing up Jedward. They like girls though; ahem.
I love Edward in the DR without John. He can't cope. Ha, he needs to see the medic already. He's 'ready for his examination.'
Angie and Coleen both hating on Jedward cos they loathe fun.
Jedward and Speidi bonding over the joint names, haha. And it's winding Austin up!
Edward feels like he has a pole in his back. He's also got curly hair. And he's got to go to hospital. Hahaha. 'Jedward in crisis.' In a way it would be fun to see how one Jedward coped in a vacuum.
Austin is having a crack up in the store room. His neck vein is throbbing. 'It's unlike me to be in a closet crying.' You can write your own jokes here. He's such a drama queen! He can't hack it when the attention isn't on him. And I like Austin but I think I'm increasingly in the minority.
I like Jasmine's bushy eyebrows. I think Ray J could go deep. He's playing quite a calculating game, but he seems innocent and he's charismatic so I think he'll go far.
We have to keep James C around! He's just a genuine normal guy. Normal; not boring.
John: 'I like my own company sometimes.' Heidi is acting like she's Spencer's twin. I like her trying to understand John. Speidi and Jedward are both unknowable. John likes to keep his relationships interesting. I bet. He's probably got Edward under the bed to jump out halfway through.
John is slagging off Brandon Block, hahaha. Spencer: 'You need to tell him that.' Haha. Yes!
Jamie's 'bromance' with Calum is pathetic. They'll soon be daggers drawn over Jasmine. Jamie is seething already. I hate the way he sits in that DR chair, so I can see up his nose. Ugh.
Jasmine hates Stacy! Ooh. For giving her an evil look. Jasmine looks more like Carla Connor every day. They need to set her a knicker stitching task. 'Stacy wants to sit next to me cos I'm cuter than her and she'll get more airtime.' Jesus! That's some next level ego there. Meanwhile, the Twitter trolls are already calling her a slag. Sigh. I'm gonna have to block a lot of people, I can feel it.
Edward has returned from hospital looking like a drowned rat. Spencer: 'What did they do to your hair at the hospital?' Ha!
Calum in bed with Jasmine: 'Your boyfriend's coming.' Bit of a mean way to talk about your 'bromance.'
The boys are now having a Jasmine sandwich. Has there been a threesome on Big Brother yet? Like a proper one? Ugh look at all those tattoos on the pair of twats. Grim.
Are Jedward sharing a bed? Adorbs. Show it! That's way more interesting than this fake ass love triangle. All in all though, I think it's shaping up well. And I don't think anyone gets evicted until next Friday? So that's a long time to wait after noms. And be angry. This time last CBB I think about three people had walked by this point!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You water know (yourself)

Other Jedward obscured by dry ice

Hiya! It better be Jedward going in. I wanna see Speidi and Jedward together. Who could out mindgame Spencer? John and Edward, that's who.
Oh, Emma's ruined her hair already. That didn't take long. You never see anyone in real life with slicked back hair, do you? Not unless it's slicked back with grease. Emma also has a work suit on. Why is she always wearing office wear? Does she secretly yearn for a job as a PA where she doesn't have to interview difficult Big Brother contestants like Marc O Neil?
OMG the way James Jordan speaks to people! He's so patronising! Gary Busey flashbacks. Stacy, please stop singing.
Coleen doesn't want to be told what vitamins and nutrients are in an apple. She'd rather just sit and bitch 24/7.
Ray J was conveniently off to get his shoes when Whitney died. He doesn't want to sell a story, he just wants to milk the story endlessly on CBB. Do you think it's in his contract that he has to discuss it? Stacy is probably in there just so he has to. Storylining!
Coleen blunders in assuming Whitney killed herself. Didn't she just pass out and drown cos she was high as fuck? Jamie: 'Typical loose woman.' Says the typical footballer.
Spencer's ju-jitsu is the lols.
God, Brandon Block needs a makeover. Can't someone run a comb through his hair? Him, perhaps?
Coleen is 51! I thought she was 60 odd. I guess being that miserable will do that to you.
Ray J is actressing and squeezing a tear out in the DR.Enough Whitney talk now. Let the woman rest in peace.
Angie is worried about the smokers in the house. Mind your own business. Coleen's back is WELL UP. Angie is stepping well over the line here. It's her life, let her smoke if she wants. Angie: 'All your family have died around you.' Bit much! Also, why sit in the smoking area? Passive smoking! Does Calum drink or smoke? Worry about your own spawn!
The housemates are roleplaying. Snooze. Hold on, Angie just molested Bianca. This am dram between the footballer, Jasmine and Calum is pure cringe.
Oh, they are editing out two more housemates. Yawn. Bianca is shy? She doesn't look it. Or Be-yonk-a as the Americans say.
Love James C namedropping Mel Gibson. Ooh, sausage rolls. Why is Spencer stealing a load of bottles of water? Is he a prepper?
Austin is in a 'really strange place right now.' On airtime patrol, by the looks of it. I think Spencer meant 'they could have picked a lot of other people than you' in a nice way, weirdly.
Bianca: 'No more H20.'
Austin went at Heidi very aggressively there. 'Security!' Austin has a really bad temper. Spencer: 'You want to go and see your boyfriend.' James J: 'He's not worth it, pal.' Lol.
Austin is ruining the magic of the DR. Are there no taps in the Big Brother house? We know there are from the Lee Ryan days. It's just fucking water. You're not in the desert. Calm down. It's like the kosher wine all over again. I've missed Austin's rants, though. But I'm a bit worried that he's a bit too easy to wind up for Spencer. Plus, isn't Austin worried about putting off his new boyfriend?! I guess he's probably seen it all already.
Spencer: 'I can't believe they let him stay.' Settle down, Spencer, he only shouted. If shouting was banned in the Big Brother house, there'd be no show. I like Bianca trying to calm down Austin.
Spencer calling: 'Bonka from the strip club the shadiest trick in the game.' Nice.
Austin: 'Can we be done saying they're alright people now.' Haha. Seems like everyone is team Austin, not team Speidi. Speidi will survive anyway. Speidi could survive the apocolypse.
So Jamie and Angie have been given 'great power'. They are so bland, it's impossible to say what they'll do with it. Might as well have given the power to the bottled water.
OK, we're back. I like Ray J sitting with a fag in his mouth, haha. Oh god, don't make them do speeches to save themselves.
Brandon pulling out the big guns with his speech; 'We're going to open a business together.' Strong!
Bianca actually seems like a nice person. Angie is so dumb, she tried to save Bianca as well. She obviously forgot Stacy's name as well.
Jamie saved Ray J. Good. Angie saved Brandon, which puts James GOT on the block. Aw. I think he would struggle in a vote to evict or a vote to save, to be honest, but I'd like him to stick around. Mind you, Jedward will probably drive him dollally.
Yay! 'I'm John, I'm Edward.' I'll never get tired of hearing those words. I still won't be able to tell them apart. Apparently one is more simple than the other. 'If someone eats your food, nominate. If someone looks at you funny, nominate.' Good strategy.
Did we miss one of Jedward falling over? That's a shame. You fell over!
Jedward: 'Can we hear the girls scream?' Aw, they're pretending they like girls.
They watched the opening night! Couldn't they put them in a hotel for two days? Does the budget not stretch to a twin room in the Travelodge?
Emma has no control over Jedward whatsoever. She's dreaming of that secretarial role again.
The housemates know it's Jedward already. Zero tension! I wanna see Jedward annoy the fuck out of James Jordan. Who will be their new Tara Reid? Hopefully Bianca and not Nicola.
Ray J hopes to see Jay Z. Instead he can barely see Jedward through all the dry ice. It's like Charlotte Crosby's win all over again.
I LOVE Speidi dancing to Jedward. Jedward are always falling over! They're like Lauren Harries on overtime. Good tune though, lol. Shame they can't sing. Their spaceman outfits look like the other housemates made them for a task.
I don't object to them performing their song in the garden. Beats Sheryl Crow.
OMG it just occured to me. What if Jedward TEAM UP with Speidi to create the ultimate housemate annoyer? Stronger than Bear! Time and space will implode. I want to see it!
Already they start flattering Spencer 'you don't age' - no, you don't age, Jedward. And more importantly, you do not get old. Go create TV magic!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All shook up

Hi! Have we got going yet? I haven't, but I'm still grateful for the lack of TOWIEs and Geordie Shores. If Calum Best and Coleen Nolan are the biggest duds, at least they're wallpaper and won't be pissing and shitting all over my favourite programme. At least, I hope not.
Ray J is being a 'sleeping on the couch' martyr. Prob doesn't want to share a bed with 'a gay boy.'
Angie pretending she's not a true gamer. Spencer knows!
Ray J has designs on being a diary room warrior. He can't share a bed because he's married. Especially not with Nicola McClean. Don't blame him.
Brandon Block looks like he's wearing comedy teeth and glasses. Angie thinks she's Queen Bee already. She knows she's untouchable with double the vote. She's a lot more interesting than Calum, though. Mind you, so's the back of a shampoo bottle.
Not sure about Bianca's S&M dinosaur look. On launch night, I can overlook it, but it's not daytime wear. Busting out the 'escape goat' as well. That shit is older than I am.
Coleen wants to be a house that gets along by quietly bitching about people behind their backs. 
Spencer is fingering Angie for her gameplanning. 'Calum was bred for this.' Hopefully he'll suffer the same fate as Paulie from BB18 who was also 'bred for this.' Heidi: 'It's good to get along with people.' Don't lie!
Calum: 'It's brilliant we're doing it together' to his mum. Is he trying to convince himself or her? He's had to recalibrate his gameplan from being fanny rat to gentleman.
I like Ray J's shredded white jacket. Has Nicola McClean had her mitts on it? He looks like the Michelin Man.
Ray J is spilling the boring beans about Kim Kardashian. You've never crossed paths with Kim since cos she probably has good security. Oh, hang on.
The all stars have to decide which of the new stars are least entertaining. Zzzzzz.
Calum's mean little side parting is driving me mad. It's like someone has Pritt-Sticked some coconut fur on an onion. Did he pay money for that hair? Robbed.
Brandon Block does not look impressed with Angie's Elvis kiss and tell. Nor does Ray J. Hold on, she didn't even kiss him! 'Do you even kiss, mate?' (Deepcut Big Brother Bile Spencer vs Toadfish reference there).
Angie: 'No one knows the real Spencer. You wouldn't know if you were having a sincere conversation with him.' Good point.
Bianca has just kissed Calum! I thought they'd gone out after Love Island back in the day.
James Jordan seems annoyed by Ray J being a bit sleepy. He's probably tired cos he had to sleep on the couch to avoid catching 'the gay'.
Ray J spent 30K on a birthday party for his dog. James Jordan is trying to needle him. Twat.
Heidi's hair is looking somewhat orange already. Get the girl a toner. Ha, Spencer wants to edit out Angie. Sweet. Calum refused to do it and chose Brandon! Fuck that. Brandon is annoyed about it; don't blame him! Where's the democracy?
Even thicko Calum has worked out he has the numbers over Speidi. But Spiedi will have the backing of the IGP (idiot general public).
Stacy was 'shook' when Ray J walked in. SHAKEN.
Spencer regaling Angie with tales of his popular social media: ie. showing her who's boss. Angie is unimpressed at Spencer's ability to eat 40 tacos. Apparently said video has only 2,000 views on youtube. I have blogs with higher numbers. Admittedly, only one a decade.
Nicola McClean playing the 'as a mother' card hard. Yawn. Go home if you can't hack it.
Stacy telling Coleen about the Whitney Houston files. I'm bored of this storyline already. Run Stacy a bath.
I'm team Jasmine all the way against the boot-faced Nicola. Boo hooing in the DR. Don't milk it.
Jamie is after Jasmine, but Spencer is standing in his way. Was it Jasmine or Casey who had 'taps on' time with Lee 'fanny rat' Ryan? I feel like it was Casey, but he fiddled with Jasmine in a UFO (fact check that).
Breast implant chat, classic bantz. Zzz.
Jasmine's 'type' isn't a 'newly divorced guy with three kids.' Me either.
I like Spencer's Coleen impression, ha. They are all scrambling because of him! They can't hack it.
I like Jasmine the best out of the girls so far, she wants to play Spencer at his own game, and if she beefs with Nicola, even better. If she does get off with the midget footballer, I will lose respect for her, though.
Jedward tomorrow? Come on, you know it makes sense, or whatever Lidl's catchprase is.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Pop art-ifice

Desp-air time

Oh hello again. I still can't speak! Luckily, I have fingers.
So someone started moaning at me for 'body shaming' on Twitter yesterday for my rather good 'anorexic Carla Connor' observation. Who am I shaming in that situation!? Carla Connor is hot. Anorexic Carla Connor (aka Jasmine) also looks good. Settle down!
I don't mind body shaming, but I prefer IQ shaming, which luckily, I get to do shitloads of watching Celebrity Big Brother. Let's begin!
RECAP time. All these recycled housemates makes me want to recycle some of my old blog/podcast titles.
Ooh what was that moment between Stacy and Ray J? What's their history? Ooh, apparently her fight with Whitney was over him. Interesting!
Nicola McClean bum licking Spencer by saying he was a great housemate, but NOT Heidi! Or that's the way they cut it. She could have been talking to them both. Don't trust the edit!
James J: 'Footballers have got good banter.' Football commentators even more so, just open up the 'sling one up the back of her' files. Footballers do NOT have good banter. See Ched Evans audio/visual work for details.
James Jordan well rail-roaded Stacey to be 'edited out.' I love Heidi trying to get Jamie put up. No such luck.
Stacey didn't stay on that chair in the garden for long, she was inside by the time the live feed was on.
Bianca trying to get the dirt on Ray J and Stacey: subtle. Ray J: 'It was a tragic thing.' Some of the others seem genuinely concerned.
I feel like Spencer was trying to be quite genuine when he comforted Stacy but she got mad straight away. Spencer's all like: 'We had it worse in the basement.You weren't there, man.' Heidi's frosty manner doesn't help.
I can see why Stacy is annoyed, it's a bit much with the Ray J thing (whatever that is) then getting edited out. This negative first impression of her is what the other housemates will zoom in on, though. And being a black woman? She's fucked.
But still, she's not so much edited out as an airtime hog. Spencer saying the others aren't allowed to talk to her! Mean. What does 'edited out' even mean? You don't get edited out. People can still talk to you. It should just be called being 'beige hoodied.'
I am so sad that Austin has split from his husband! Aw.  If Spencer and Heidi ever split, it's game over for love.
Stacy is crying in a chair and Spencer is just talking at her. OK, he is just trying to wind her up now.
I'm looking forward to Austin vs Spencer and Heidi, even though I like both sides. Austin, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on your series! I remember you calling Janice Dickinson a cunt and yelling at everyone. It was brilliant.
Spencer: 'I retired that personality' about stirring shit up, haha. Stacy is playing right into Spencer's hands. She's making it too easy for him. 'Sitting in a chair' gate. Heidi and Stacy are both being annoying. Just stop talking if you can't agree.
Coleen bragging about her boring singing career/ dead relatives. No one cares. But if you do, watch C5 at 10pm for more wailing.
Jamie is talking about his ex wife known racist and cunt Danielle Lloyd. Danielle didn't want him to talk about her. We already know who you are, Danielle, don't worry. Nothing he could say could possibly make you look worse, considering you're most famous for causing an international race row. Nicola: 'Marriage is marriage.' Yes, and it's even better if your footballer scummy husband doesn't cheat. Easier to keep the marriage together then, right?
Now the other housemates have to edit out another person. Ooh, I like the pop art bedding/ cushions. They all decided to edit out James C of GOT fame. Spencer is right, James C is not making a good reality star. I wonder how much he got paid? I like the fact he's pretending to sleep so he doesn't have to speak to Stacy. Maybe he does know how to play the game after all!
Calum Best's ears are freaking me out. He looks like a gargoyle. I just think 'spud head' every time I see him. Can't believe he used to be hot 20 years ago.
James Jordan trying to one up Coleen, but she came second on her series. He came third, I think.
I love all the cushions and everything, it's so cute, it looks like my bedroom! The DR is amazing as well.
The fight for beds begin. Edited outs should have to sleep on the floor. In the garden. Like Busey on the Celebrity Scrapheap.
Angie: 'Spygles, Speegles' about Speidi. I love this. She's onto them! Angie's got a built in alliance with Calum, plus Spencer and Heidi are one housemate, so Angie has the advantage. It's a numbers game! Plus, she writes a mean letter from home. Actually, scratch that, she doesn't.
Austin's horror at the thought Bianca thinks Spencer is nice. Ha. She did seem shitfaced, though.
Calum's diary rooms make a good insomnia cure. He is going to stick around for WAY too long. Hope his mum beats him.
Was Coleen being a cunt there at the end? Probably. I can't work out if I'm enjoying it yet, possibly because my ears are ringing and I can't see straight. Give me a couple of days to work it out!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All star family (mis) fortunes

This should be peak CBB excitement for me, if I wasn't sick, therefore can't podcast, and have not seen another person for about a week. Putting all that aside, plus any other existential crap about 'is Big Brother past it's sell by date' 'why do I still watch?' 'Is that still on?' 'What about the live feed?' etc and just looking at tonight's show in a vacuum, it will no doubt still be a bunch of shit.
HOWEVER. The show must go on, and so must I, even if I'm a used up format, writing in a used-up format, about a show that's a used-up format. But I still have more historical Big Brother (UK and international) knowledge in my addled brain than I know what to do with. It's not useful, but I have it in there.
Normally at this point I'd have a large drink on the go. Instead, I have a sachet of Beechams. The glamour never starts. I have avoided MOST spoilers so far. So let's see who they've managed to line up and set free in the wilds of Borehamwood for the 32834784378 year in a row. 
I like the retro/ comic book theme, but I don't really like the eye that much. Oh well, who cares about the eye. Not I.
Emma looks great! I love her hair shorter. The darker colour is cool as well. Not sure about the panto jacket and work trousers, but we can't have it all. One thing is a start.
Woah, the house is very bright. It looks like a children's TV programme. I like the coloured loo roll. Diary room looks fucking cool, too. It's all very Nickelodeon.
First in is Speidi. Legends. You can't deny it. I like Spencer moaning about the vote against Rylan, ha. One percent in it. Spencer actually looks better than the last time I saw him, at least he's had a haircut. Still wearing the teacher fleeces in his VT, though. Spencer's illuminati leather jacket is going straight on the chic pile. Mentioning gameplans already: check. Not here to make friends: check. Looking for the booze immediately: check. Oh, I've missed them, the nutty pair.
James Jordan. Ick. Otherwise known as Gary Busey's chief bum-wiper. And if there's no Gary Busey in the house, then we have a problem. I could see him chumming up with Spencer. He's not a 'love to hate' housemate, he's just a 'I fucking hate his guts' housemate. Ugh, Speidi don't befriend the enemy.
Jasmine Waltz. Lee Ryan's female catnip. I enjoyed the love triangle. She looks like an anorexic Carla off Corrie. She looks like she's aged about 45 years since she was last on. Hope they bring the fanny rat back, too. Her boobs look stuck on. Jasmine knows what the illuminati is. Yes. I personally think this is a good start. Four cunts in straight away. Start as they mean to go on.
Ooh so they've put these four in a secret room to 'influence storylines': ahem. It's not like Big Brother to do that, is it (much). I like their office. 'Big Brother producers; - well, Ted's been editing shit out for years now.
Heidi's fake teeth look humungous, like Brandon Flowers levels of veneers there.
When they said 'Kim Kardashian' I thought Jonathan Cheban was going back in. No such luck, it's Ray J, someone who fucked KK on tape once. I like his union jack shirt. Well, not really. He seems like a total dick. Join the club, I guess.
Bianca Gascoigne is in next. She's more your TOWIE level of housemates. Her hair looks like the nylon hair your doll has when you are a kid. She 'inspires to be a mermaid'. Well we know her dad loves the drink. (Sorry)
Bianca is toadying to Ray J pretending she knows his music. What music?! The 'producers' are being nice about everyone. Er, that's not what we want when we interfere with the housemates.
I actually like the mixture of old and new housemates. It should always be this way. Cut out the deadwood (ie. Ex on the Beach chaff, please.) I like the line up so far. Some true gamers in the fold. No Gemma Collins, PLEASE.
Austin Armacost is next. I love Austin. OMG he's broken up with his husband! Aw, poor Austin. I know how you feel, mate! And I just finished your 2016 calendar. It's all gone wrong! OMG he hates Heidi and Spencer. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Austin is getting the wub wubs, which he richly deserves.I hope Austin doesn't blow the goodwill he built up last time. But if he does, it doesn't matter. He's still a great housemate. 'You're a CUNT!' etc. And lest we forget the mantub.
Haha Austin being all pleasant to Speidi after he just slagged them off.
Coleen Nolan. WHY. Why do we have to have a Loose Woman? WHY! It's bullshit. Fuck off. I hate her anyway. Hate, hate, hate her. It's the first bit of lazy casting. I expect the rest to be downhill from here. She's so annoying.
Why are they sending so many downstairs?! There's going to be no one left upstairs!
Next is James Cosmo, an actor from Game of Thrones. I have no clue who he is, and nor does my mum, who texted describing him as 'an old fart'. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic about liking Eminem. He's got first boot written all over him, like he's just ended up in the wrong place, like Evander or Ron Atkinson. Maybe he signed the wrong contract somewhere along the way. Good to have an old fogey in there, though, unless they're like Reg Holdsworth or Biggins.
God, there's a lot of alpha in that producers room.
Next is Stacy Francis, 'who you probably know from being a finalist on the X Factor USA'. I don't. Also drove Whitney Houston to her death, appaz. I thought it was going to be Tiffany from the sillhouette and I'm annoyed it wasn't. WHO IS SHE?
Brandon Block is next which makes me feel old as my serious ecstasy-taking days are twenty years ago now and we used to go see him and Judge Jules at Homeland and Passion and I still feel that age and I'm not, so it's depressing really. Thanks, Brandon. He's looking a bit Jim Royle. Jim Royle with a Dappy hat.
Spencer: 'He looks like he has more juice than the other elderly guy.' Haha.
Ugh, Nicola McClean is basically the female James Jordan. She talks just like Katie Price. And like her, she acts hard but she lets her husband fuck around on her. And didn't Farrah smack her one with a wine glass? Shred shred shred the bitch. I hate her. Awful person. Her and Coleen have got to go. And now she's slagging off Brian Dowling! Fuck you. Don't diss the two time winning alumni. Such disrespect! PS: Your dress doesn't fit.
Next housemate is Jamie O Hara, a footballer. Was previously married to Danielle Lloyd. Poor cunt. 'What could go wrong?' Just watch the tapes back of when your wife was in the house to find out. He looks like a little hobbit.
Calum Best is no all star. 'I'm a red blooded male.' Deffo gay. Doesn't he have history with Bianca Gascoigne? Oh he's not going to sit on the fence this time. Bullshit. He came third? How! Pointless third place, fencesitting, dead wood airtime deficit. Why waste my time! And he's wearing hotel wallpaper for a suit. Velveteen!
And they're also putting Calum Best's mum Angie in. WHY? Where's Jedward? This bitch couldn't even write him a letter from home, had to get Rudyard Kipling to do it. Who really cares how Calum Best gets on with his mum? They're obsessed with family connections on Big Brother, and they're rarely interesting.
Calum Best's reaction when she came in was hilarity though. His voice went really high. Poor sod. Haha. 'Oh my God, that's my mother!' James Jordan rubbed it in as well. Ha, they should have edited her out. Bet Calum wants to.
The other housemates are watching the 'producers' choose who to 'edit out'. It's supposed to be the 'least interesting person'. They're just choosing who they like the least. Heidi wanted to edit out the footballer! Good choice. They are choosing the black woman! Well, there's a surprise. These reality TV tropes write themselves. Racists. Poor Stacy had to go sit in the garden where it was cold (yeah it's England in January) in an unflattering hoodie. Welcome to every smoker in the UK's family Christmas.
So that was it. Oh the whole, I think the line up is good. I'm just relieved there's no Charlotte Crosby or her uninteresting, vulgar ilk. But really, what the people moaning on Twitter don't get, or even what my mum doesn't get, texting that they're 'all twats', is that it doesn't matter if you know the people, or hate the people. It only matters how they interact with each other. And that's what makes a good Big Brother series.
Anyway, all is not lost, as apparently Jedward are going in Friday! Bring on the trolley dash!
PS: I hope to do a podcast at some point if I get my voice back!