Big Brother 13: The Sara smashing

Sorry I’m late, was doing some market research and they didn’t even have cans of coke or sandwiches, chocolate and crisps like they normally do. They just had water. WTF. This is the recession in action.

Morrissey once sang, ‘hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha’. Not so in the Big Brother house. Long faces all round.Benedict veiny leg cam – ew.

I was surprised to see Luke say he was interested in Ashleigh when his body language screams otherwise. When he said ‘watch this space’ and drummed his fingers that seemed like classic leakage. He’s always peering over her shoulder, too. I think it's just Big Brother brain™ (writing credit to the Irrepressible Dark Horse.)

I don't think Lauren is sexy at all. Adam: 'if it was just a smash.' about hypothetically shagging Sara: charmed, I'm sure. I hope we're not going to have 'hanging out the back of it' talk next, I haven't got the stomach for it.

Sara: 'I'm a Christian.' A Christian and a fucking Royalist; I don't know which is stupider. Benedict speaking the truth; that's another vote against him next week. Religion is a relationship you have with an imaginary being. It's a form of institutionalised insanity and shouldn't be humoured in the 21st century.

I love the fact they ended the task on Scott's mysterious 'loved one' dying so they couldn't even enjoy a good belly laugh. At least he won't be able to read the papers whilst he's out, because no papers write about BB anymore. It's good they didn't show him being told, like they did with Jade getting her death sentence in the Indian BB (tasteful). Chris is showing massive disrespect to a matter they know nothing about by simply stepping into the garden. In other cultures he'd be lynched for that, or at least have his TV taken away.

Scott was back quick. Who died, I want to know? 'A family thing'? WTF, I hate this, 'something big's happened but I'm not telling you what.' Piss off. It's Big Brother. I demand your life on a plate, that's what you signed up for.

I like Caroline's foxy cardigan even though she's probably made it out of fox fur that she's killed in a pack with Tarquin and Julian. Spiffing.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ashleigh and Luke fucked in there. Adam saying he'd have a wank to it! Dirty dog.

Can Chris even read? I don't know why he's looking happy about passing the task, he won't be around to eat that nosh. The slow-mo as Chris took off his shirt was brill. 

Does Adam straighten his hair? Men shouldn't be allowed to use straighteners. Caroline is so fucking rough. I just think she's a nasty person. I'd rather hang out with Chris and Arron than spend a second in her company.

This Chris/ Caroline thing is the very definition of MINT BANTER ie. tedious bullshit and it's going on for way too long. Chris wants to be a millionaire 'in bailiffing'. So he wants to steal a million pounds off other people? He's worse than the coughing Major. 

Big Brother's got the washing machine and the disco balls out! Whoop whoop. Paaaaaaaaarty. That's some groovy dancing going on there.

Scott is a completely unsympathetic character, even in grief. I just remembered, he came out in the house, didn't he? Wonder what his family said about that? They probably took him out of the house to give him a tell off and say they were cutting him out of the will.

Why is Caroline getting so much airtime tonight? I can't stand her! I can just picture her at 50 in the WI, sneering at her neighbours. She's the ghastly one. Having to hang out with the common people, are you? Get to fuck.

Uh oh, has Chris had a drink? He's having a go at Becky for EATING. For reals? You've got MOOBS. Lydia's giving the witches' pot a quick stir. Not enough of Lydia or Benedict in the edit tonight.

The Queen probably DOESN'T poo, because she's not human, she's reptilian. Actually, I'm no Chris Packham, but I think even reptiles poo. Do we have to constantly talk about The Queen? It's tragic.
Ashleigh reminds me of my little sort-of stepsister who's a proper skinny little Essex girl. She's kind of one-dimensional but happy in her own little bubble. Don't worry, Ashleigh, Luke doesn't like you. Is Conor wearing Terry Wagwan's toupee? What exactly does he bring to the house? He's just like a lump of wood. 

What is Ashleigh going on about?! Meltdown. Is it her time of the month (sexist)? I think it's just the house getting to her. This house will drag you down.

OMG just saw Rodrigo's alter-ego on BOTS. The legs! My boyfriend goes, 'isn't this just a cheap way of having the same guest on two nights in a row?' Fair point.

Right, I've got a date with the Land of Nod. Who shall we evict tomorrow? I can't decide. You decide!