I started blogging Big Brother in 2007; complaining of the boring celebrity series just before the Jade vs Shilpa nuclear bomb conveniently went off. God, I got through a lot of swear words that year. Two years later Jade was dead, seemingly taking the age of the 'famous for nothing' celebrity with her to the grave. But then came TOWIE and all that shit. This year, you saw fit to crown Denise Welch your celebrity winner. This summer, I'm taking your phone off you.
And even Brian Dowling wasn't happy with that result. A friend of mine ran into him in G.A.Y. the same night and said 'who won?' and he said through gritted teeth, 'Fucking Denise!' which at least restored my faith in him a tiny bit. So roll up, roll up, and here we go! PS: Out of the wildcards in the auditions show, I'd choose Guy Fawkes, the fat girl, then gay indian dude, in that order. PPS: If I hear one more word about the Jubilee I'm going to shoot someone in the face.
16 housemates sounds like a LOT. It's going to be hard to get to know them all. Especially with no live feed (ha, got my live feed moan in early).
Ooh ooh! Never a good sign. I feel like Dermot's going to come out. Ah, they've nicked his dance routine. And they're telling us what to tweet. You know what comes next: drinking your baby's blood.
My boyfriend reckons Brian's got a wig on. I think he's just experimenting with a parting. And saying amazing 12 billion times. Amazing.
Deana: first housemate. Ah, Shilpa's back. Let's hope Jade's not. Booooo. Lol. A mixture of boos and cheers: beers. She seems like a bit of a cow, so I hope something bad does happen to her. This doesn't seem like much of a punishment; immunity and getting to nominate three people. At least she said she'd get boring people out. The 'twists' are always so lame; remember when they put all women in and then Ziggy *snort*. Ah, Ziggy. It's not you, it's me. Has someone got bad dandruff there, or is it snowing?
Arron: he's got that stupid sideways hair. And he's a model. He's from the Stuart/Dale (Stale) stable, isn't he? They're playing the Scissor Sisters for him, so perhaps they know something we don't. I love all these people who can't spell their own name, except for when I have to write them.
Caroline: gap year, yah. She's like Ben Duncan x 1000. At least she made me laugh and she's definitely not a model. Is that bedhead? My friend said to me 'what is it with you and posh people?' but I DO like posh people, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. They're eccentric. It's not like I'm watching Made in Chelsea or anything. I do have some standards. However, contrary to my previous sentence, I'm pining for Jedward. Is that normal?
Shievonne: for fuck's sake, another one who can't spell her own name. She was a Playboy bunny, so my friend probably knows her, cos she works at Playboy in London. If so, I'll get the real scoop. Her dress is a bit aging, a bit Diana Ross/ Shirley Bassey. Brian looks botoxed. I hate men who look botoxed, it's wrong. Of course botoxed women are, too, but you get immune to it, sadly.
Conor: Jay McCray. One was enough, thanks. Does 'I shave my pubes' give you instant access to the BB house? Tragic. Lives with his mum. And he's got a pierced ear. Ohmidais.
Lauren: the first thing I thought was 'horse face Grace', which isn't really fair. She's got a big gob on her but so have I, so I can't really judge. I know about people who've been cooped up on Jersey for years. She's got nice shoes. There's a lot of glitter in that house. I keep expecting Elton John to turn up.
Luke A: Gary Barlow. Ooh, a transsexual Gary Barlow. That's about the only thing on the planet that would make Gary Barlow more interesting. Mind you, what wouldn't? I would never have guessed he was born female.
Adam: Are you allowed to go in Big Brother with such a long criminal record? Even his tales of being banged up don't interest me. I haven't found a new housemate I can take to heart yet. Sad face. Even Anton and Aden seem more interesting. Someone just called him will.i.am! Racist.
Sara: Is this a Louise for Fay McCrae? Another model... zzzzzzz. She's pretty and I like her eyebrows, but she seems like a bit of an arse. Someone's holding a brolly up for her. That's nice. She likes Margaret Thatcher and Meatloaf and eats 8 meals a day. I don't think so, Sonny Jim. The shit people say to get into that house. You can nearly see her minge. But that's only because her legs are about 10 foot long.
Scott: Eminem after a few hard years at grammar school. First person to make me roar with laughter at 'it will be officially stated to them on television' about telling his parents his sexuality. I DO love poshos. Bo Bruce, Ben Duncan, Raef... I just can't help myself. Why are they all booing him? Homophobes. Poshophobes!
Ashleigh: 'bubbly, nutter, psycho'. Now there's three words to avoid describing yourself as. I'm not feeling these housemates at all and she isn't helping. Hopefully Shilpa will go after this one. Nice shoe/ dress combination. She looks like a flamenco dancer. Proof if ever we've needed it that swearing isn't big or clever; I think this one was dropped on the head as a baby. My boyfriend just said, 'did she have the nose job to make it bigger?' The only fake Amy Childs I need is the one on Very Important People.
Luke: another Luke. This one's an 'arrogant prick.' Another Jay McCrae. Where are our Freddies, our Aarons, our Petes, our Nikkis? There's rarely anyone I fancy. Mind you, there's rarely anyone who's ever read a book. Ahh, they've got badges with their names on this year. Is that for us or them? It's better than the patronising names on the screen but I'm sure that will happen again later as we get spoonfed endless recaps over the latest Chris Brown song.
Lydia: at least she seems quite intelligent and she's got a proper job. She goes out with Andy Scott Lee. I much prefer him to Lisa Scott Lee. And Michelle Heaton.
Benedict: a porn star secondary teacher. At least he seems quite eloquent. A porn star is getting cheered. Imagine if that was a female porn star. Then imagine the opposite sound. Bene-dicked. Is he going to talk entirely in innuendos? Deana is eyeballing everyone and deciding who to evict. I hope she does what she said she would and gets rid of the chaff.
Chris: he was on the audition show. He's like Danny Dyer meets Alvin the Chipmunk. LOL, he's from Luton. Grim. Said no to a drink. Suspicious.
Victoria: another porn star, by the looks of things. Await the boos. A 40-year-old bragging about 20-year-old boys fancying her is always a bit tragic. She got cheered. Eh?
So that's it. Seriously, where are the brains in that house? Where's Rex? Where's Marcus? Oh God, I'm going to need at least a week to get into this, I can tell 16 is too many. This launch night blog is always a dangerous one. It's hard to make jokes and I always back the wrong horse.
OK, here we go with the face-to-face noms. The last person in is at a serious disadvantage. Who said 'it's not hard?': Nominate them.
She's nominating Conor. I knew Victoria would be vulnerable. Seems a bit unfair, really. Last in, first out. Although she didn't take it very graciously. Evil eyes! LOL. Nice one. My boyfriend thought Lydia would be picked. Lydia's having a sulk! Everyone's taking it really badly.
Fuck you, Lydia, trying to throw someone else under the bus, that was shady. Even Lisa Scott Lee wouldn't do that. Faye Tozer: yes. H, yes. That sort of behaviour will be remembered.
It's really stupid to have a recap of the last laborious few hours when they should be showing what's going on in the house now. I want to view the bad feeling; not what I've seen already. As usual C5 treating their viewers as if they're thick as fuckery. Well, I suppose we are. *gently weeps*