Well, it's been a long three weeks since Captain Canoe and his crew exited the Big Brother compound. I like the gap though. Josie Gibson could have done with it before Ultimate Big Brother so she could nail Crab Eyes before having to make merry with Coolio and co.
So it's what we've all been waiting for UK vs USA. This is truly the stuff dreams are made of, so I can't wait to see how they fuck it up.
I've avoided the line up so far as much as possible, because I like to be fully disappointed on the night.
Anyway, get ready for a takeover etc. Fuck me, look at the audience. I think we just spotted Meatloaf.
So basically it's an excuse for a million stereotypes. Where's the American host? Where's the impartiality? It should be like a Swedish host or something, like with the tennis umpires.
I haven't seen the house yet. Why is it all American? Boo. Where's the Queen?
Sherrie Hewson is basically Reg Holdsworth's wife. You know the guy who said 'negro'? Lovely. Why do we have to keep dealing with these Loose Women bitches? They are AWFUL!
Fatman Scoop, lol. I do remember the song. Him not so much. 'Undisputed king of the club. You go in the club, you're gonna hear his song.' Which club? He's 'like President Obama'. He's gonna blow up the bathroom to annoy the other HMs. He's gonna clog the toilet strategy! OMG. LOL. That's the finest strategy I've ever heard. BOOF! At least he's upfront. He's gonna be quality. Why does he know what her hair looks like? Admittedly it looks awful tonight.
Hold on, how do they know who each other is! The Pratt/Perez strategy. Unless Loose Women is really popular in the US and Sherrie spends a lot of time in 'da club.' Whatever happened to sequester? Gone the same way as live feed, lol.
Natasha Hamilton don't like messing. Hates Americans, ha. They must think we were born yesterday. James thinks she's the one who looks like a frog from Atomic Kitten, but she isn't. She doesn't like rude people. Probably hates hospitals and liars, too. Has a fake fear of mushrooms in case of a task.
Austin someone? You might know me from the gossip pages... er.... nope. 'My friends and family would describe me as a fucking arsehole.' He likes to masturbate. Fair enough. He lives in Huddersfield?! WHY! He's upset he got booed! Even Fatman Scoop don't know who this joker is. I'm hoping he'll be a Jeremy/ Marc type.
Gail Porter. Young people don't even know she is. I found this out the hard way. I think she'll be an interesting housemate. She's certainly got the sob story. I like her, actually. I hope she'll be good value. At least she's not one dimensional. I wonder if they'll play 'Dancing in the Moonlight' if she gets evicted? There's a reference for my older readers.
Mum alliance! Natasha: 'Let me get some air...' time.
Next in someone from The Bill. Allo, allo, allo, it's DI Burnside. I mean, Chris. I didn't watch The Bill but I know the theme tune. He says there's no script so he's obviously never see BB before. He's my pick to kitchen Nazi. Sherrie is his ex wife?! Is he Reg Holdsworth?
WHAAAA! I thought Eamonn Holmes was going in. Didn't think he needed the cash. Ruth wouldn't let him be around all them Page 3 girls anyway.
Jenna Jameson has great meth face. God, she looks old. She's like this year's Tara Reid. But fatter. I mean, pear shaped. She's always got along with the Brits? Hold on, she just said she hated us. I think 'who are ya' is a bit unfair when Austin didn't get that. I know who she is. Mic pack fail.
BUT FIRST! Stevi Richie and Chloe Jasmine. A walking magazine deal. Are they playing as one? Toilet talk. Ugh. I kind of like these two, I don't know why. They are fake as fuck. If you think they're really fucking, you've damn well lost your mind. Great hashtag. It looks like 'evict Chloe Jasmine'. Ha!
Farrah Abraham. Er... 16 and pregnant... how old is she now? Sex tape... business woman... nose job. Ah, she's playing the Jade Goody card. Standard. She's reimagined the Geri Halliwell Union Jack dress. Apparently she's 24. Born in 1924, more like.
Next in someone off The Apprentice. James Hill. Me neither. Bring back Stuart Baggs. He hates dirty places. I love them. Britain is the nucleus of the world. Arsehole of the world, more like.
I think they've spent the budget on the dry ice as they go in.
Tequila thingy is in next. She was the first to do a selfie, LOL. Terrovision, classic. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE? She'd bone Prince Harry. He'd prob be up for it. if not, Prince Philip. Five alter egos? Marlissimo was enough. There's never been a good one. I don't think this is going to break that pattern. 'I don't drink but I'll have some red wine.' I don't do drugs, but pass the crack pipe.
Talking of which, here's another cokehead Baldwin. Daniel. They're the brothers who keep on giving. Kill or be killed. He's like the lost Gallagher brother. Ha, he said his brother got the early boot. I thought he made it halfway at least. He said he was gonna make Alex Reid the next James Bond, I know that much.
Hey, where's Dean Gaffney? Send Wellard at least.
Oh God, what 'twist' are they going to unleash now? A cannon, ooh, looks promising. WHAT, no one's going in the cannon?! BOO. This could be a fix. Some heads could be on firmer than others.
It's dull as fuck, either way. Who cares who's not invited to the party? Ha, this is going well. LOL.
They made Farrah, Scoop and A.Another immune.
Bobby Davro vs Janice Dickinson doesn't seem like much of a fair fight.
Chanting 'UK UK UK' doesn't work as well as USA, does it?
Check out our podcast later for more, but with James: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm