Question Time (Guest starring Russell Brand and Nigel Farage)

Let's get one thing straight. I hate Question Time. At least on the Big Questions they discuss things like 'Do pets go to Heaven?' Question Time is just sallow, pious or middle class people saying something half snarky to Amanda Platell, who I actually saw on Question Time a week or two ago, and she looked botoxed to fuck, like a more masculine David Gest. Bit rich from someone always slating Nicole Kidman/ Kylie's looks, but I digress.
But of course, everyone wants to watch sideshow freaks Nigel Farage (autocorrects to forage, but you know the only thing he's foraging for is his next pint of beer) and Russell Brand, who hasn't mentioned his ballbags in aeons. I miss Russell's ballbags, his trousers and pants, MTV's Dancefloor Chart, his radio show/podcast (obligatory Andrew Sachs wife sad face image here). But I mustn't cling to those old dreams anymore. I have to get on board with the revolution. But isn't this just the David Icke videos I've been watching on YouTube for 15 years, dressed up as something new? I know about the phoney bone of contention. I know about 'look over here'. And every cunt knows about the lizards by now. The lizards are all over the place.
I don't even normally have to look at Farage, as I have the Ukitten Chrome plug in that turns his pterodactyl face into a lovely kitten on my computer. I wish that worked on the TV.
Imagine being the OTHER people on the panel with Brand and Farage. You might as well just send a cardboard cut out, like they do with that 14 year old out of Stereo Kicks (no, not the ketamine one).
Anyway, pay attention, it's the first question from Jonathan King (not really). I couldn't understand the question. I think it was 'Are politicians petty?' but said in a cunty type of a way to try and trip you up.
Russell Brand said something and it wasn't funny and now Farage is saying something serious, too. This is why I don't like Question Time. Start arguing already, motherfuckers. Oh, they did, some womanon the panel (as Nigel Farage would probably refer to her) just started on him.
Oh, a sallow girl is now asking a question, or at least saying words. Ah, she's digging Rusty out for telling people not to vote. She's a plant! As our leader Moz said, 'Each time you vote, you support the process.' Which is a lame lyric, but by no means the worst on that album (see the song Smiler with Knife. Still, Earth is the Loneliest Planet and I'm Not a Man are good; see 'Wolf down T-bone steak. Wolf down cancer of the prostate.' Now THAT'S a lyric.) Are you allowed to just 'make a comment' as sallow girl did and not ask a question? If you want to 'make a comment' go on the Mail Online, bitch.
Russell: 'Give us something to vote for.' Good point. I vote for that dude who was playing Candy Crush in the House of Commons this week. He looked like he was on the baby levels, though. Amateurs.Come talk to me when you're in the 400s.
Haha, the women are turning on RB for being a sexist. Aw. I don't mind when he says love. There's no malice in it. I forgive most misogyny if the person is funny/clever enough. At least he's engaging, unlike all three of the women on this panel.
Why is this woman moaning about Russell having nine million Twitter followers? He's not a role model. He's a former crackhead/ sex addict/ rabble rouser. He doesn't have a duty to say a certain thing. At least he's saying SOMETHING.
Can you imagine queueing up to be in the Question Time audience? I bet the chairs aren't comfy. I'd rather go in the Jeremy Kyle audience, at least the subject matter there is honest (even if the guests are lying... but then what about the 7-10% who are telling the truth and still get a tell off? It's a slippery slope.)
Dude from Babybird seems to be asking a question now. He's digging out Farage for being a multi-millionaire. Who cares how much money people have? Are they decent people or not? In his case, not.
David Dimblebore is querying how the panel is like 'Punch and Judy.' It's because half the panel are cartoon characters and the others are dour women. Where do they get these people from? It's like when they get the drabbest feminists possible on to talk about 'women's issues.' It's self-misogyny.
Blah blah blah. This is why I don't watch Question Time. I get distracted too easily. I'll tell you what programme I like where people have their say. Points of View. Let's face it, I'll never write a blog about Points of View so let's cover it here. My favourite thing about Points of View is when people start their emails 'why oh why.' Someone wrote recently to complain that the weather girl was saying 'it's going to be a lovely day' when it's sunny and 'it's a miserable day' when it's raining. He was livid that human emotions were being attributed to the weather. Some people like rainy days, BBC, just ask Garbage. But they really need to get rid of the new graphics, they're fucked. And bring back the blahdeblah theme tune (nod to Adam and Joe, RIP). Oh and also when they give a real dickhead comment a really stupid accent. I like that. Just kill Jeremy Vine. He might like Morrissey, but he's not one of us. No way. Make Richard Osman present it, that would be fun.
A strangely normal looking woman asks a straight question: 'Is Britain really overcrowded?' What do the Ukittens think? Meow!
Normal looking woman is rolling her eyes at Russell Brand. I've gone off her, now. Russell Brand just said 'farted'. Trust him to lower the tone. Maybe he'll bring out little Paul Scholes soon?
Russell Brand just called Nigel Farage a 'pound shop Enoch Powell' and Nigel looked mad. Russell had been working on that speech. But it did seem to rattle the forager. Give the man a pint of beer, FFS. He's a man of the people.
Some fat guy with a walking stick is now pointing angrily at Russell Brand and urging him to stand for Parliament and stop preaching. RB is looking a bit under the cosh, now. This is actually a fun bit. A woman with blue hair is now screeching that Farage is a racist. I'm waiting for her to be bundled out. Is it always like this? LOL. This isn't politics.
A strangely good looking man in the audience is standing up for Nigel Farage. I have never seen a good looking person in the Question Time audience. Plant!
Russell is right; immigration IS a 'look over here' issue whilst the fat cats get fatter. I do actually agree with him there. The white woman is pretending not to get it and declaring we have very few racists in this country. How the fuck would you know, you entitled bitch? That's like a bloke saying the country isn't sexist. That's easy to say when you're not the one getting beaten, raped, harassed, just like black people are getting arrested disproportionately, are under-represented in all media and a million other things I don't even know and can't even imagine and I'm not even going to pretend I do because I'm not a patronising arsehole. An arsehole, maybe. But not patronising.
A stupid woman is talking about 'immigrants from outside this country'. Where else would they be from? Someone shouted at her to shut up. LOL.
This immigration bit is dragging. What's the point of Question Time? Has it ever changed anything? It's just people disagreeing. It's like 'Do pets go to Heaven?' We will never agree. We can't even agree on if there IS a Heaven.
Oh a question about the NHS. My favourite. The Tories shut down the library where my writing group was held, making the group non existent at the moment. But I still don't want to sit in that audience and shout at someone about it. Because it's just lip service. No one actually cares or is going to do anything about any of it. Then, in a blink of an eye, we're dead.
Someone in the audience is texting. Take that phone off them, it's like Will.i.am on The Voice all over again.
This woman is playing the old 'let me finish' card now. Who does she think she is, James Jordan talking to Gary Busey? We all know how that ended. HONK!
Russell Brand hasn't spoken for at least five minutes. What the fuck is this shit?
The woman in purple on the panel is really going on. If she'd said anything the slightest bit interesting, I'd give her the courtesy of writing her name. But she hasn't. Russell Brand is writing something. I think this is like when Louis Walsh writes stuff on a notepad on the X Factor. I think it's like when you're in a boring meeting and you write 'fuck off' and then you have to disguise it by making it into a garish doodle.
I hate humanity. I want to see Russell and Nigel have a punch up. Why is that woman taking up so much airtime? It's all about the airtime, as Russell should know from his Big Brother days.
There's a boring question about grammar schools now, which Russell is swerving but he's having a dig at Nigel again now; 'He don't have no good ideas', says Russell after saying he got 'a quite good comprehensive education.' Didn't learn about double negatives though, hey? I jest, I like talking like Russell Brand, too. 'Citing, isn't it? It makes life a bit more colourful.
Who cares about grammar schools in Kent? What about ebola? What about something juicy? Snooze! I went to a crappy school in a shithole town and I sit next to someone at work who went to Lancing College which apparently is posh, and he's dumb as a rock. (No offence, if you're reading my blog, which you're obviously not, teehee) I mean he knows Latin, but he's got no common sense. So who gives a shit what school people go to?
Nigel Farage just said 'opportunity' and I thought, 'Opportunity it don't exist, it's the opiate of the populist.' You could probably learn more about politics from the song The Happiest Place on Earth by Desaparecidos than by watching a thousand Question Times. I recommend it.
Sorry for anyone who read my blog expecting me to care about any of the issues discussed. What's that old saying? Whoever you vote for, the Government always get in? I guess Russell's not to far off, after all. Maybe the world is a hologram. Maybe the TV and fluoride are anaesthetising us. But if the fight against it looks like this, count me out. Give me my Candy Crush and my crisps and my vodka and my sleeping pills and as Tell Off Man ie. Mike Ehrmantraut once said, 'Leave me to die in peace.'

The Apprentice: Is that victory I taste? (no, it's arseholery)

Why am I watching this shit two days in a row? It's not Misfits or BBUSA. App task! Ooh, it's a futuristic Apprentice.
Loving the app jokes. What a bunch of tools. Orlando Bloom is team leader today. Edna for the girls. I reckon Edna's gonna kick arse. I wouldn't fuck with her- I saw the way she was eyeing Melody yesterday.
Some guy barking 'traffic light' as an idea for an app. Fab. OMG they're going with a regional slang app. WTF. Who would bother downloading it? They should do a devilishly addictive game.
I feel sorry for Suzie, even though she couldn't get her point out, she seems a lot more normal than everyone else.
The girls decided on an irritating noise app. They could just make an app of their voices. Done.
I hate Melody's 'I don't have a view on it'. Get off the fence, you robot! Aren't you a human being? Can't you empathise with someone?
So, the boy's app is basically racist, or like the Worms computer game with all the fun parts taken out of it.
Luckily for them, the girl's app is just as bad.
This guy with the glasses on is a humourless prick, yo.
LOL to Edna giving herself the presentation to do. There's your rope - go hang yourself.
Melody: 'it is what it is.' HOW PROFOUND. I've never heard anyone say that before! Amazing.
Ok, so the boys app is a bit better looking. But they are both terrible. And the boys presentation blows.
Why is it called 'slangatang'? I get the slang but not the tang.
The girl's app is actually embarrassing. I hope they're not charging for it.
Ha, they've been called out on being racist, now. Yet they're going on like that meeting went really well. It didn't.
Ha! Look at Edna working the Madonna mic. Check out the leather gloves. She's going down this week. DAHN!
The boys presentation was cheeky and good. And they employed bribes. Good move.
No ways, I can't believe the girls won with that shit app. I love all the boys readjusting their ties. One of them looked like he wanted to nut someone.
Nooooo! Don't boot out Orlando. Get rid of that dude who did the duff presentation.
Oh, maybe it is still the same cafe after all.
I like inventor dude. He's cute. I heart geeks. I like Bloom changing his mind about who to bring back in the boardroom. Good arguing by the guy who wrote the text there!
Don't bin Bloom!
I know about creating content for a global audience. Regional accents; notsomuch.
Leon is too nice to be a boss. I think they've pruned this boardroom part a bit, which is good. It used to drag on way too long.
I'm glad he fired that Alex guy, he wasn't interesting. Bloom rides again. Now, please don't tell me this shit is on tomorrow, too.

Love Thy Neighbour

Apologies for my lack of bloggage but there's bugger all on TV worth shouting about and everything I am watching is either on DVD or about ten years old. I will blog about those things anyway, but not yet.
And I'm blogging this three weeks too late. Silly, aren't I? Still, I'm doing my best! I meant to watch this but Thursday is pretty much the only night I leave the house, so forgive me.
This show sees a bunch of people competing to win a cottage in a village full of bigots (is the one in Midsummer Murders?)
I want to win that cottage, people can call me whatever they like, I'll just put barbed wire round the fence and set the dogs on them once I move in.
The first couple are - lesbians. I know, shocking stuff! OMG they've got a baby. How DID that happen? No doubt some rude cunt will ask them shortly.
'POLITICALLY CORRECT'! Check. I think you get desensitised living in London to just how pig ignorant people actually are.
Second 'contestant' is a topless model. Well, they'll probably prefer her to the lesbians.
I went to look at a village to live in at the weekend. I'm not sure I'm cut out for people being friendly in shops and nodding to you in the street. I prefer chicken bones and human bloodstains lining the pavements.
Someone was literally open-mouthed at the sight of the lesbians. It's like the Daily Mail has come to life. Now there's a thought.
Apparently you DON'T need a man and woman to make a kid, you toxic old bat. Stop saying 'a lot of people will think this...' when spouting your own hateful views. Oh, and mind your own fucking business an' all.
OMG those cunts in the forest begrudging them their IVF. WANKERS. The NHS! Fuck off, the NHS is there for everyone. Why are you against two people who love each other bringing a child they love into the world? WHY WHY WHY? OMG the old 'the child will get bullied' scenario. Why not RAISE YOUR CHILDREN NO TO TO BE HATEFUL LITTLE TOSSERS???? How about that, ignoramus features? Too difficult for you? Go read a book, you fucking prick.
'A lot of people I know...' Just say ME! I HATE GAYS! I HATE BLACK PEOPLE! Just fucking admit it! It's all over your crowy, sour faces.
How can that gay couple be so patient with people being like that to them? I'd stab them in the face. I'd raze their village to the ground, cackling.
The topless model has got no chance, because she's a bit brassy and they're too snooty. Wow, I haven't heard anyone use the word 'trollop' in about 15 years.
When that blonde woman had upset the 'life model' and made her swear, she enjoyed repeating the word 'fucking' a little too much for my liking.
LOL even after the model stomped off in a huff, only 77% voted for the lesbians to stay. Says a lot.
I shant be watching anymore of this. There's enough hate stored up in my heart to do me an injury. I need to go do yoga or summat.
PS. Stay tuned to me. I missed you a bit.