Big Brother 8: Sunglasses Indoors

So whilst I was away you fucked up, didn't you? One weekend, up to my elbows in mud and you let Seany go. Even after he gave Charley an early bath whilst wearing a shell suit. You fools. His interview was quite heartbreaking. Poor Gerry. No gay sex for him. I absolutely hate it when the one I want to stay gets the boot, but it has to happen occasionally: if you agree with mainstream public opinion the whole time you end up listening to The Kooks or something. So now we're stuck with OCD Grotbags and an increasingly creepy Jonathan: I hope I misheard him saying he wanted to crack one off over the twins tonight. Good choice, great British public.
BB seemed to go mildly surreal in my absence: the Ziggy/ Chanelle break-up/make-up was plain strange (even the camera angles were moody, like in Eastenders) and could have been alieviated at any point simply by Chanelle saying 'I don't fancy Billi.' But she didn't. And have they shagged? If so, why didn't we get to see?
Billi seems inherently evil as well as ugly and we're hoping in my household they replace his picture with a boss-eyed one. I like Zigs more and more now he has this sexist, vain nemesis with none of his charm. Surely Billi must know game players never prevail? (see Nasty Nick/ the Jungle cats). Ziggy was right, don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors.
I was both amused and confused by Charley and Brian in the caravan: what on earth was that dirty talk/ wanking off thing about? Did he really wet himself or was it something else? He's a comedy character for sure but he MUST have been joking about not knowing who Shakespeare was. That's like not knowing that the earth is round. I enjoyed Charley bouncing off him too, she makes me laugh a lot when she's not doing her super-fast yappy arguing. We might as well enjoy her whilst we can, she'll be hung out to dry soon enough.
Nicky and Liam is doomed to failure, of course. But that's alright. The monotone voice their children would have doesn't bear thinking about.

Big Brother 8: The Dimmer Takes It All

Let's face it, there are few ways this could have worked with a happy ending. The ending we did get, was anti-climatic but perhaps one of the best ways it could have worked out. Let's look at the options (from their suggestions): Laura- no way. Amanda- possibility. Ziggy- I feel it would have been a poisoned chalice for him. I was surprised they didn't deliberate more, but Liam was a non offensive choice, and I don't think people will turn against him. He's such a bore though- YAWN. Buy a new baseball cap. They WILL turn against Carole, Seany and Jonathan, however. I would have maybe given it to Tracey. I want Gerry to win, and he couldn't have won with that money hanging over him.
Aside from the loser-at-the-Oscars smiles, Charley's 'what reason did you choose him for?' summed her up to a tee. As if they were going to give it to you, you grasping mare.
All in all it seems a big fat waste of 100K that they could have spent on making the show a bit better. They literally must have money to burn.
In other news, Carole ruined the whole moment by monaing about a towel for the thousandth time. Why would ANYONE want to keep her in? I'm sick of looking at her sour face. I want to punch it, to be honest with you. Dear God, please release her.
Anyway, I won't be here to see it, as I'm off to Glastonbury tomorrow. Pray for sun and look out for me, I'll be the one with the frog umbrella. Good luck with that.
I will be Sky-Plussing and will catch up next week. Keep Seany in! I know he put a condom on Gerry's bear but he didn't mean it and I'm sure he's sorry!

Big Brother 8: Nominations (not) for the Nation

Ok. It's quite simple. You know that person who stands in the middle of the room, yapping like an angry dog, frowning into the mirror and bragging about how much her shoes cost? SHE IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO NOMINATE. You know, because she's horrific to live with? You thick wankers! Do i have to come in there myself and drag her out? All this 'I appreciate you because you're straight down the line' stuff Carole was spewing is utter bullshit. So if I stand in front of you and shout in your face, you are appreciative of my honestly? That's masochism. Congratulations, you're a pervert.
The noninations were silly as well as ridiculously epic. Nicky the whinger escaped. I liked the fact Charley said Nicky has the permanent hump. Too, too true. Jonathan might be over before he began. Keep him in for the 'how much do your boots cost again?' comment to Charley alone. Pure genius. Seany! I like him now. Please don't vote Seany out, folks. I like his sparkly clothes! Don't you want to see gay sex in the house? Homophobe!
It's got to be Carole. I implore you to vote Carole. What the hell was all that about at the end of the show. It was edited so badly I did not have the slightest clue what was going on. What did Nicky DO exactly? I still don't have the slightest clue. I like the fact Jonathan tried to use it as an opportunity to get closer to Nicky. Carole is unpleasant to look at, and the house would be more relaxed without her. She's like the mum who starts vacuuming on Saturday morning to get you out of bed.
In other news, I found Chanelle's little tantrum about as endearing as waking up next to Tracey. You could just see Ziggy wanting to slap her. It was worse on the live feed, she was moaning about being fat and ugly. Boo hoo. You forgot thick as shit. I don't care what your IQ test says. Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her trying to nominate Ziggy about three times! Once might be an accident, three times is just careless. Ah, true love.
Gerry is lovely. Don't fuck with him. Totally agreed with his nominations. Trees are shit. Liam is pointless.

Big Brother 8: Kiss n Tell

A very enjoyable BB tonight, I thought. I am still getting to grips with the new boys in the house, but that is fun in itself. Jonathan seems to be trouble: I felt very protective of the twins when he described them as 'deliciously shallow'. Yes Jonathan, and you've got a phenomenal beer-belly, you patronising cunt. I'm sure even they can tell 'shallow' is an insult, whatever way you dress it up. I believe the twins are genuine, and I couldn't stand them at first. You couldn't keep up that act 24/7 and they seemed genuinely baffled by him. Just because he's jaded doesn't mean everyone is. We should rejoice at naivety, I think. Bragging about how loaded he was just showed him up, too.
I believe Nicky that he is making her feel uncomfortable; he did seem to be mentioning her rather a lot, and calling her a 'kindred spirit' in the diary room was a bit much. Seany probably thinks he's a kindred spirit with Wacko, but the moonwalking molester would probably just call him a stalker. Careful there, Jonathan. Still, it's all good telly. Having said all that, Nicky is still a whiny bint, but she looked good in red lipstick.
Brian! Top marks for not trying! Still liking his bumbling stoopidness. Although I caught him having a semi-coherent conversation on the live feed today so they could just be editing him to look the fool- hahaha! Those devilish editors. Ok, not really.
I haven't warmed to Billi, and didn't like the fact he was compiling a hitlist of the girls to bed. He's one of those blokes who's convinced himself he's good-looking just because he's stood in front of the mirror and chanted it repeatedly. Billi, I have to break it to you. It's not worked.
Contrary to what the dim majority seem to think, I hate Liam! I hate his scrunched up face, and my boyfriend said he looks like Jimmy Nail. He also sounds like Jimmy Nail (Liam, not my boyfriend). And he was dissing the twins too! Leave them alone. Twinist.
Charley's showing off in front of him was plain hide-behind-the-sofa cringeworthy. Honestly, someone, put a sock in her. How do they cope with it? I'd cry. 'You've got an attitude problem!' she bellowed at Laura. Charley, my friend, you make Laura-the-grave-robber seem as cheery as Ant & Dec on happy pills.
So, onto the gay snogging. I LOVED it! It's suprising really, because I always find ugly men snogging in public a bit of a turn off (clearly its different if they are good-looking! I'm deliciously shallow, don't ya know). But I felt genuinely touched by it! The arms around the necks! Seany's delightful purple cardigan! Then they did it again! Will they? Won't they? I don't know, but it's a damn sight more interesting than the disintegrating Chanelle and Ziggy sideshow. I feel my views are becoming out of kilter with popular opinion. Hurrah!

Big Brother 8: Diary Room Uncut

Bring back the Saturday highlights, you fuckers! I'm SOOOOOO bored!!! My boyfriend has gone to see MUSE at WEMBLEY and I've been stuck here watching loads of rubbish telly.
Anyway, I have an important update for you. I now LIKE Seany. His John Macanroe headband. His hyper-colour T-shirts and Bermuda shorts. His diary room requests are genuinely imaginative and funny. Ziggy just made one of his stupid speeches in the Diary Room and Seany said 'Bored is what you are after listening to Ziggy.' That should definitely have made the highlights. Seany doing up Carole's bra strap, however, shouldn't. He certainly did appear to be gay by the hash he was making of it.
I'm really starting to hate Carole. I never liked her in the first place but I now fucking hate her downtrodden, miserable face, squashed into swimming costumes. She's self-pitying. Just fuck off back home. You're not a rebel. You're a housewife. Congratulations.
Tracey. 'It's all Bisto.' Why are you saying these stupid things? it's just annoying. You're nearly forty. Stop talking like a teenager. I demand it. I do like you, but you try my patience. Must try harder.
Still loving the twins, everything rolls off them. They are really funny. It's nice to see things through simple eyes at times. Similarly with Gerry, he doesn't have a side to him. If you were in there, you could go get a cuddle off him.
I do like Ziggles, but he doesn't half like to moan about 'being the only straight man in there'. Why do I feel, now there are four others, he'll find something else to complain about? He really seems to see men (and gay men) and women as different species. He also says 'very much so' too much.
Listening to Charley in the Diary Room is like when you're stuck on a bus and a thick teenage girl speaks loudly on her mobile to a friend, oblivious to the world around her. Then her phonecall ends and you and all the other unlucky bastards on the peasant-wagon breathe a sigh of relief. Then it goes off again, and she repeats the same stream of rapid-fire nonsense. Frankly, she needs booting off the bus. How Laura and Tracey can sit there saying nothing in the face of that abusive bullshit is beyond a joke. Get a spine and tell her to shut the fuck up. It might shock her into silence.
Chanelle. There is something creepy about adults with teddies. Lose it.
Finally Seany calling the Diary Room chair 'an evil throne'. I love it! Could... Seany... win??? Maybe I'll put a couple of quid on him, his odds are 23-1!