Big Brother 8: First Show- Jonty, Carole, Ziggy

Davina dressed in red shocker! Oh.
Last day highlights: the speeches were quite moving and I cried when they all cried. There's something heartbreaking about seeing grown men cry. Seeing the ex housemates was hilarious- I loved Charley bigging it up and Chanelle's face like thunder. Also, how did Laura dye her hair from black to white blonde? An impossibility as anyone who's ever tried it and gone ginger can testify! Seany also looked like he'd gone grey. No sign of Emily 'N-Word' or Jonathan 'coke n call girls'. Shame.
Jonty in 6th, Carole 5th. Both interviewed for about 5 seconds. Unfortunately Carole didn't get booed. Davina even missed the opportunity to tell her her snail was dead! It was on a plate. Why Carole came out with that vile bun in her hair was anyone's guess. The twins should have sorted her out and pinked her up.
I was praying it would be Liam out in 4th but no, it was Ziggy. He looked like he was going to the gallows. I liked his 'who me?' shrug as he came out. After calling for his castration earlier in the series, I felt strangely protective of him when he came out. Chanelle just wants to use him for the magazine deals!
So Liam is in third! Shocking! I kind of want Brian to win now just because the twins won't give good interview. But Brian is a bit contrived. Ooh, I'm torn. For some reason the Nirvana lyric 'I think I'm dumb/ I'm maybe just happy' keep popping into my head, and I chucked out that CD long ago.
It must be nice to be dumb and happy. To just bumble along knowing nothing about the news, or the universe, or human suffering. I wish I was brain damaged on occasion.

Big Brother 8: Ziggynoia

They always go a bit senile in the final week. I like that. I liked the movie they made and Liam and Ziggy as the twins were ace and the twins acting was good and Ziggy was an amazing Leslie. Brian's impersonation of Charley was bordering on offensive which was highly amusing. It all made me feel quite emotional and I almost liked Carole again. Their little sad faces at the end were heartbreaking.
And I like Jonty's kind, bumbling manner and funny voice and train announcements. I like the fact the twins accept him as he is and aren't creeped out by him.
God if Ziggy's so paranoid about some drunk lardy cake yelling over the fence, wait til he gets out and see what they are saying about him on Digital Spy! I've heard people comment on everything from his hair to his willy. If you care what people think about you, don't go on Big Brother. Your every breath will be dissected. I couldn't stand it. I'd want to rage against it for the rest of eternity and prove that I was alright really, or at least a bit funny, or something.
Carole was looking a bit glam tonight. The other night about about 4am me and my best mate watched the twins straightening and curling Carole's hair on the live feed. Then at about 10am she got up and washed it. Oh well. They tried. I'd just put that bin bag she wears as an apron over her head and have done with it.

Big Brother 8: If Carole's Happy, Everyone's Happy

Oh, if only it were true, Ziggy. As it is, no one's happy. The rot is setting in now. Liam has turned from a harmless Northern tree surgeon to a smug, cocky boorish twat. Brian has gone from bumbling joker to retarded sex pest. Carole: harmless granny to the devil incarnate. Ziggy: Mr Smooth to twitchy, duplicitous pensioner. Twins: shrieking lolitas to impassive mannequins. Tracey: gargoyled-faced cliche generator to... ah. Kara and Jonty have not been in there long enough to change. But they've always been a one-way ticket to dullsville.
The joke telling thing was shite. Big Brother fake laughed at Liam's rubbish joke. I can't stand jokes or people who tell jokes. It's like magic. Just go away. (I knew Ziggy's handjob joke. It's alright. He didn't tell it very well)
Brian was labouring the whole 'I don't win things' a little too much. What's that you say, Brian? You don't win things! Why then I must crown you the winner of Big Brother! Blah.
Carole shit-stirring about Liam and Sam was gross. The way she did it was sly as fuck. Sam looked completely confused. It's particularly horrible because it will make them paranoid about hanging out/ cuddling etc, when it's obvious it's completely harmless.
Brian to Amanda: 'Is it not hard living with someone you're attracted to?' Yes it probably is, but unfortunately for you, it's not you, Brian. There is NOTHING TO DO in the Big Brother house. If she fancied you she'd be snogging your face off. Just leave it now before she gets a restraining order. Hint: when Amanda says 'Funny!' she means 'Fuck off!' Sam crying was sad, it was like seeing a kitten get run over. When she said 'I miss him dead loads lately' it was heartbreaking! We actually saw a real emotion from her. Carole knew exactly what it was about.
Jonty naked!!! What the hell was that all about? It was like he was gagging Kara-Louise to look at his willy. URGH! No need, Jonty, no need!

Big Brother 8: Dysfunctional Family

I'm meant to be writing my new story but the action packed Big Brother highlights are tempting me from the path of righteousness. NOT. How boring? I could literally cry for what they've done to this series.
Carole shows a 36-year-old how to wash up. Ziggy bitches about Carole but doesn't dare stand up to her. The silence in the house is deathly. It had more life in it when it was just fucking Dean and Elizabeth there in about 1947.
Jonty and Kara get dominated and are expected to 'deal with it'. (I wrote dominated instead of nominated by accident and that's about right) They are treated as sub-human because they weren't there back in the day. It's not exactly their fault is it? Ziggy, Liam and Brian are a bullying bunch. 'There must be something good about them,' says Liam about the newcomers, charm personified. He's looking more like Peter Kay by the day.
Jonty was spot on in the diary room for calling the others out for not nominating people they actually dislike. Very perceptive. How ridiculous. I'd blatantly nominate people who pissed me off.
The dinner was cringeworthy. I have a dysfunctional family of my own, I don't want to watch them bickering over dinner either.
Tracey crying over a cigarette: DEAL WITH IT! They are nominating you because you are a CUNT. Deal. With. It.
Haha, how funny, Ziggy not daring to do the shopping list, but putting Brian up for it. Ooh, I was impressed when he went and told Carole like it was. For like two seconds. Oh, then she blubbed again! Wow! Carole: 'It takes weeks to learn how to do the list..' WEEKS! YEARS OF TRAINING! She put in the hours! Leave her be. Urghhhhhhhhhhh.

Big Brother 8: 'The Right Person Stayed'

Literally gobsmacked at how brainwashed the house is now. I can't believe they said it was an easy decision to let Gerry go, and even implied they would have been stuck if it had been Brian Vs Carole! Oh my God, can you imagine if they kicked out Brian for Carole. Fuck a duck! Listening to them all say Carole deserved to win was abuse of the ear. The only reason Tracey disagreed is because she wants to win. Fat chance, love. I'm glad Gerry stuck the knife in the sour-faced crone as he left. I hope they remember that come nominations.
Amanda: if you don't know if you like someone, it means you don't. End of story. You either do or you don't. The break up was quite sad: I was pleased she had the balls to say it, and Brian was brave to ask straight out, 'Do you fancy me?' It was all very sad and innocent. Is Brian a virgin? My money's on yes.
What was that weird conversation with Liam and the twins at the dining table about? Amanda had a face like thunder (which I enjoyed). Was Liam having a go at her because she ditched Brian? Was he testing the water? He's got a cheek calling her naive just because he likes his date to get a few pints down her neck then open her legs. But then Amy virtually put it on a plate for him and he chickened out! It's all front, I tell you. I don't like him one bit.
The whole bread argument was tedious, but then it involved Carole, so it figures.
Two more weeks.

Big Brother 8: Wolves!

And so the spasticated British public put up Gerry: kind, flawed, clever, funny Gerry. I cried! I haven't cried at Big Brother for years. But I almost fainted in Morrissons today so it's not my fault, I'm just feeling weak. It all happened exactly as we'd feared. Because we know them all too well.
And so the house is left with it's 'mother figure' except this mother figure has Munchausen's Syndrome: this mother figure does not throw herself on the sword to save a young man, she sits and weeps and says nothing. This mother figure bullied Gerry relentlessly all week and the rest of the housemates stood by and said nothing. They deserve to starve. The rest of the housemates can kiss my arse frankly. Liam: sexist. Brian: thick. Twins: spineless. Ziggy: useless. Kara-Louise: pointless. Jonty: ineffectual. Tracey: cliche.
And the worst part of it was 49% of the GBP voted for Carole. So Big Brother has pissed off half of it's viewers! Brilliant! What an amazing twist! You stupid thick fuckers. Seriously, let Freddie and Monkety Tunkety produce the show, they could probably do better.
So what did I enjoy tonight? Ziggy, Liam and Brian's conversation was quite funny. I felt for Brian when Amanda said she wanted to 'just be fwends' and Sam looked like she'd heard it a thousand times before. I could have killed Carole when she started a row about... water!
The only thing that can save the show is to put Chanelle back in and lets see Carole really sweat.
I loved Gerry's interview. He was so out of touch defending Carole, and backing her to win. I hope he goes out and gets fucked good and proper. He deserves it. Enjoy your two weeks of fame Gerry. You DID earn it.
And do you know who my pick to win is now... well not my pick, but who I WANT. Jonty! Christ. Says it all, doesn't it.

Big Brother 8: You don't know what starving is

Like you do, you fat fucking old hag! ARGHHHHHHHHH! I just shouted at the telly so loud my neighbours probably called the police. I haven't been this angry since that hideous, rubber faced toad and those thick slappers abused Shilpa Shetty.
Why are we still watching this? Well I know Red's not. I'm the only person in my house still watching it. It's not fun is it? I look forward to BB every year and every year the producers fuck it up. This week we could have got rid of Carole. But no. We have to put up with another epic row about food and they'll still save her cos they are dumb as shit. It is so uncomfortable to watch it's unbelievable. It actually makes me feel sick. The way she spoke to Brian was disgusting. She is vile. None of them stand up for each other when she goes off though. They all just let each other get bullied.
Carole thinks she is above the other housemates, above Big Brother. What bad timing about the biscuits thing though. Can you imagine if it was someone else who'd hidden them though? She is just beyond belief. 'Supervising and advising?' Oh just FUCK OFF! I can't take it. I just can't take it. 'Big Brother hopes the biscuits were worth it.' Then she says they were. Thick twat. Not even sorry. I hate her more than I ever hated Charley. 'It's alreet,' says Liam. DICK! I am furious no one will take her to task! GET A FUCKING SPINE YOU STUPID FUCKERS!
'It's alright Carole, treat us like babies, tell us off, make us miserable, emotionally blackmail us, make us starve, it's alright Carole...' No it's NOT ALRIGHT! ARGRRHRHRHRHRHRRHHRRGRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Ziggy should have taken his anger out on the old witch, not Big Brother. Prick. Brian apologising to her just made me hate him. At least the twins don't like her. 'Stop crying every time.' Thank God for Gerry. He finally dared stand up to her. Damn all the others to hell for not backing him up, the pathetic, fence sitting little weasels. 'You moan 24 hours a day.' Correct. Carole was trying to set Gerry up for a fall. Please God don't let them fall for it. The only bit I enjoyed was Gerry pretending to starve in the diary room and Liam and Brian singing in the rain.
PS. Gerry is looking so cute with his 'Something about Mary' hair lately. I want to cuddle him.

Big Brother 8: The Fall and Fall of Liam

So Liam has turned from cheeky chappie with an eye for the 'canny lasses' (vomit) to full-on wanker who snogs you then never speaks to you again. What a spineless, flabby, squinty-eyed, yellow baseball-capped, tree-hugging chav. He's not even good-looking, or smart, or even fit anymore. Amy: you're best off out of it, he's probably got a STD. When he was cuddling and caressing the do-no-wrong-twins it made me feel sick. Let this be a lesson to you, BIRDS, act angelic because if you dare show a bit of sexuality or have something to say, you're going to be flushed down the can sharpish. Unfortunately for Sam n Amanda, it will be the Amy's of this world their creepy laddish boyfriends go off and shag behind their backs. Thank God I like men with brains, who can actually see women as more than just two-dimensional creatures.
As for Carole: did she REALLY touch that chicken with those grubby hands? URGH! I watched some of this on the live feed and you didn't really get the creeping sense of terror from the highlights as she was unleashed from the diary room and emotionally blackmailed them all for several hours for... cooking dinner! How dare they cook dinner at 9.30 at night? I actually heard her say on the live feed 'they should have come to the diary room and got big brother to ask me'. For fuck's sake. Please, please, please fuck off. I hated it when Ziggy said 'she's just looking after us.' She's looking after you like Kathy Bates in Misery looks after the injured writer, you dopey twat. You'll wake up with a pillow over your face eventually. Will anyone EVER stand up to her? My cash is on Jonty! Go Jonty! Go Jonty!
I enjoyed the twins becoming one (was it just me or did Sam seem hesitant?) but this is bad news for the fun-lovers amongst us, as this is one less nomination for Carole.
GET HER OUT! I can't take it anymore.

Big Brother 8: 10 Reasons Not to Like Carole

ARGHHHH! Carole is so annoying! She is so damn sanctimonious. I was furious when she was giving Chanelle a lecture, yet seemed to have selected hearing when Charley basically said the rest of the house were her slaves, so tough shit. When Ziggy called her up on it (OK, so I may like Ziggy again a bit) Carole missed the point completely by going 'I didn't hear her say it.' It doesn't MATTER if you didn't hear her say it, Carole. If someone calls me a crap writer, or an annoying gimp, it doesn't matter if I didn't hear them. If they said it, I'd be angry. Got it now, Carole? Good. I also liked it when Ziggy called Charley a twat. Sometimes the simple ones are most effective. The twins did actually look a bit distressed by the arguing today. And what was all that group crying about? Weirdness.
Instant gratification for us anti-Caroleites came soon enough, by a quick skirt round Carole's real house as part of the task. What's this?! It's a fucking grot palace! A five star dump. Charley had to put her hand over her mouth to stop the truth coming out. The silence was uncomfortably wonderful. I loved Ziggy getting a sly dig in. What this proves, folks, is cleaning for Carole is about power: nothing more, nothing less. In the real world, she's happy to live in a house Kim and Aggie would probably condemn.
Big Brother! Give the housemates more booze. I liked the twins looking tiddly in the diary room. I liked Brian getting angry about the honour of Basildon and clucking at Charley. And I liked Chanelle and Ziggy pretend romping in the bed.
BYE CHARLEY. Not long now, my pretty.

Big Brother 8: The Dimmer Takes It All

Let's face it, there are few ways this could have worked with a happy ending. The ending we did get, was anti-climatic but perhaps one of the best ways it could have worked out. Let's look at the options (from their suggestions): Laura- no way. Amanda- possibility. Ziggy- I feel it would have been a poisoned chalice for him. I was surprised they didn't deliberate more, but Liam was a non offensive choice, and I don't think people will turn against him. He's such a bore though- YAWN. Buy a new baseball cap. They WILL turn against Carole, Seany and Jonathan, however. I would have maybe given it to Tracey. I want Gerry to win, and he couldn't have won with that money hanging over him.
Aside from the loser-at-the-Oscars smiles, Charley's 'what reason did you choose him for?' summed her up to a tee. As if they were going to give it to you, you grasping mare.
All in all it seems a big fat waste of 100K that they could have spent on making the show a bit better. They literally must have money to burn.
In other news, Carole ruined the whole moment by monaing about a towel for the thousandth time. Why would ANYONE want to keep her in? I'm sick of looking at her sour face. I want to punch it, to be honest with you. Dear God, please release her.
Anyway, I won't be here to see it, as I'm off to Glastonbury tomorrow. Pray for sun and look out for me, I'll be the one with the frog umbrella. Good luck with that.
I will be Sky-Plussing and will catch up next week. Keep Seany in! I know he put a condom on Gerry's bear but he didn't mean it and I'm sure he's sorry!

Big Brother 8: Nominations (not) for the Nation

Ok. It's quite simple. You know that person who stands in the middle of the room, yapping like an angry dog, frowning into the mirror and bragging about how much her shoes cost? SHE IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO NOMINATE. You know, because she's horrific to live with? You thick wankers! Do i have to come in there myself and drag her out? All this 'I appreciate you because you're straight down the line' stuff Carole was spewing is utter bullshit. So if I stand in front of you and shout in your face, you are appreciative of my honestly? That's masochism. Congratulations, you're a pervert.
The noninations were silly as well as ridiculously epic. Nicky the whinger escaped. I liked the fact Charley said Nicky has the permanent hump. Too, too true. Jonathan might be over before he began. Keep him in for the 'how much do your boots cost again?' comment to Charley alone. Pure genius. Seany! I like him now. Please don't vote Seany out, folks. I like his sparkly clothes! Don't you want to see gay sex in the house? Homophobe!
It's got to be Carole. I implore you to vote Carole. What the hell was all that about at the end of the show. It was edited so badly I did not have the slightest clue what was going on. What did Nicky DO exactly? I still don't have the slightest clue. I like the fact Jonathan tried to use it as an opportunity to get closer to Nicky. Carole is unpleasant to look at, and the house would be more relaxed without her. She's like the mum who starts vacuuming on Saturday morning to get you out of bed.
In other news, I found Chanelle's little tantrum about as endearing as waking up next to Tracey. You could just see Ziggy wanting to slap her. It was worse on the live feed, she was moaning about being fat and ugly. Boo hoo. You forgot thick as shit. I don't care what your IQ test says. Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her trying to nominate Ziggy about three times! Once might be an accident, three times is just careless. Ah, true love.
Gerry is lovely. Don't fuck with him. Totally agreed with his nominations. Trees are shit. Liam is pointless.