Big Brother 8: First Show- Jonty, Carole, Ziggy

Davina dressed in red shocker! Oh.
Last day highlights: the speeches were quite moving and I cried when they all cried. There's something heartbreaking about seeing grown men cry. Seeing the ex housemates was hilarious- I loved Charley bigging it up and Chanelle's face like thunder. Also, how did Laura dye her hair from black to white blonde? An impossibility as anyone who's ever tried it and gone ginger can testify! Seany also looked like he'd gone grey. No sign of Emily 'N-Word' or Jonathan 'coke n call girls'. Shame.
Jonty in 6th, Carole 5th. Both interviewed for about 5 seconds. Unfortunately Carole didn't get booed. Davina even missed the opportunity to tell her her snail was dead! It was on a plate. Why Carole came out with that vile bun in her hair was anyone's guess. The twins should have sorted her out and pinked her up.
I was praying it would be Liam out in 4th but no, it was Ziggy. He looked like he was going to the gallows. I liked his 'who me?' shrug as he came out. After calling for his castration earlier in the series, I felt strangely protective of him when he came out. Chanelle just wants to use him for the magazine deals!
So Liam is in third! Shocking! I kind of want Brian to win now just because the twins won't give good interview. But Brian is a bit contrived. Ooh, I'm torn. For some reason the Nirvana lyric 'I think I'm dumb/ I'm maybe just happy' keep popping into my head, and I chucked out that CD long ago.
It must be nice to be dumb and happy. To just bumble along knowing nothing about the news, or the universe, or human suffering. I wish I was brain damaged on occasion.

Big Brother 8: Ziggynoia

They always go a bit senile in the final week. I like that. I liked the movie they made and Liam and Ziggy as the twins were ace and the twins acting was good and Ziggy was an amazing Leslie. Brian's impersonation of Charley was bordering on offensive which was highly amusing. It all made me feel quite emotional and I almost liked Carole again. Their little sad faces at the end were heartbreaking.
And I like Jonty's kind, bumbling manner and funny voice and train announcements. I like the fact the twins accept him as he is and aren't creeped out by him.
God if Ziggy's so paranoid about some drunk lardy cake yelling over the fence, wait til he gets out and see what they are saying about him on Digital Spy! I've heard people comment on everything from his hair to his willy. If you care what people think about you, don't go on Big Brother. Your every breath will be dissected. I couldn't stand it. I'd want to rage against it for the rest of eternity and prove that I was alright really, or at least a bit funny, or something.
Carole was looking a bit glam tonight. The other night about about 4am me and my best mate watched the twins straightening and curling Carole's hair on the live feed. Then at about 10am she got up and washed it. Oh well. They tried. I'd just put that bin bag she wears as an apron over her head and have done with it.

Big Brother 8: Kick in the Nuts Day

Quite a good BB tonight. The quiz set the cat amongst the pigeons but unfortunately some people seemed to take a hit and others didn't. Was it really necessary to show Jonty a clip of some people saying they couldn't stand him? He's not exactly got Liam-sized self esteem, has he? However, I particularly enjoyed Amy giving it to Carole. She spoke for an entire nation. You could see Carole was dead riled too. Result. Brian basically got a compliment by Dermot impersonating him.
I had mixed feelings about Chanelle's return. I'm a romantic and I liked Chanelle so I was quite excited, especially when Carole vacated the vestibule. It was a bit unnerving when Chanelle said 'Drop the conversation'- what else did she come in there for, just to show off her Pob? But I thought the killer line of the night was 'my agent wants to sign you'. Ahhh. How romantic. So THAT'S why when she came out the house she was like 'Ziggy is a twat' and then two weeks later said she missed him. It's all about the ching-ching! Dear oh dear, why should I be surprised? Still, a little bit of me wanted it to be real and felt quite sad for Ziggy, all damp-haired and looking like a bedraggled puppy and smelling of smoky-bacon crisps. LET THE LOVE STORY BE REAL!
The last part of the show was weird: Liam, Brian and Ziggy saying how much they loved each other, then ten minutes later fighting over semantics. Liam saying Brian phrased something wrong is a bit cruel: Brian can't exactly argue articulately, can he? It's like arguing with someone who's got their jaw wired. Liam's true side is revealed more and more, and under his cheeky-chappy laydeez man persona lurks a boorish side. The trouble is, the public don't see it. They just think, 'isn't he cute?' which he aint. Why was Amanda crying? Why did she look at Sam so angrily? As usual, the answer probably lies on the cutting room floor.
Ziggy definitely missed a trick at the end when they gave him the photo album, he should have turned to the picture of him and Chanelle and shed a little tear ala Mikey and Grace. God, that was the most romantic thing I've ever seen on Big Brother. Well, either that or Craig trying to rape Antony in that wetsuit.

Big Brother 8: Our Love Would Never Die (well, ha, ha, ha)

I felt in pain watching BB tonight. I was genuinely moved by Chanelle's departure (because it WAS her goodbye, even if it took another day in reality). I'm glad she had the guts to go, I really am. It was brave of her to just say 'no more'. May Ziggy reap what he has sown. Did anyone see Diary Room Uncut when Carole said 'you came in here like James Bond' and he didn't even argue. One word for the pair of 'em. Cunts. Did you see Carole's face when Chanelle came out the diary room for a second time? I'm so over this Mother Earth mask. The fact Carole backed Charley says it all. She's a wrong 'un: I've been saying it for weeks.
With all the commotion, I forgot to care about the new housemates. Shanessa is clearly a classy bird: massage parlours and chlamydia as hobbies are always good opening gambits, I find. That lapdance made my stomach lurch. How unlucky to be fat and have small breasts, right? The others made zero impact tonight. It was like the boring bits in Eastenders interpersed with some very real drama.
Gerry and the twins sobbing really broke my heart. Yes, I cried, it's not my fault, I've got women's problems, haha. It was so sad when Ziggy was saying 'you look amazing' and cuddling her in the astro-turfed toilet. It felt like proper Romeo and Juliet levels of tragedy. I can't stand unhappy endings. I just wanted them to make it alright somehow. Mind you, I wanted Karl and Susan kennedy and Sonia and Martin to get back together for years. I'm quite an old romantic.
But some things can never be fixed. Shanessa's pride. Ziggy's integrity. Carole's house. And that is the way of the world. Sob!
I think Chanelle will look back and despair at what Ziggy drove her to. Yes she was a brat, but he was worse, because he truly played with her emotions. Ziggy's reputation is beyond saving. He should have forced her to stay, begged her if he had to. By letting her go, he is truly screwed.
Big Brother has lost it's soul now. I can't get into the new people. I feel too sad. It shouldn't have been that way for Chanelle. She should have got her eviction night. Carole and Ziggy: I'm gunning for you. This elephant don't forget.

Big Brother 8: It's Not You, It's Me

I was away at a friends this weekend, and was jolted from my chips-by-the-seaside reverie by another friends text message saying Chanelle had left BB. Actually she hadn't/ hasn't. But who could really blame her if she does? I hope Ziggles knows that if she does, his name will be dirt FOREVER. I was so glad she called him up on it when he tried to force-feed her a bumper pack of flannels and said 'it's not you it's me'. What a cunt. And what was that whole Chanelle fancying Liam thing about? What rubbish. Ziggy is just playing games now. Chanelle was actually right about Gonky the glamour model, it was a bit strange the way she came in and spent five minutes dissing everyone before saying 'hello.' Where are your manners, love?
David seems OK, even if he's bursting out of his clothes and wearing a scarf in July. Gerry is DESPERATE to keep him in, but will be succeed? Kara Louise- dunno, not seen enough of her yet. Jonty: clearly barking. Do you know ONE grown adult in life who goes to sleep cuddling a teddy bear? Me neither. Gerry was right though, Tracey seemed genuinely fearful of him. Chances of Jonty becoming a housemate? Zero.
And then there is Shanessa. 'How do you get to be Jewish?' Christ. I loved it when she stood there with a hideously saggy tit out, too. She makes Kinga look like Kate Middleton. Chances of her becoming a housemate? Minus zero. Chances of her copping off with Jonty? 50/50?
I'm liking Liam a little more for every pound of muscle of his that turns into flab.

Big Brother 8: 10 Reasons Not to Like Carole

ARGHHHH! Carole is so annoying! She is so damn sanctimonious. I was furious when she was giving Chanelle a lecture, yet seemed to have selected hearing when Charley basically said the rest of the house were her slaves, so tough shit. When Ziggy called her up on it (OK, so I may like Ziggy again a bit) Carole missed the point completely by going 'I didn't hear her say it.' It doesn't MATTER if you didn't hear her say it, Carole. If someone calls me a crap writer, or an annoying gimp, it doesn't matter if I didn't hear them. If they said it, I'd be angry. Got it now, Carole? Good. I also liked it when Ziggy called Charley a twat. Sometimes the simple ones are most effective. The twins did actually look a bit distressed by the arguing today. And what was all that group crying about? Weirdness.
Instant gratification for us anti-Caroleites came soon enough, by a quick skirt round Carole's real house as part of the task. What's this?! It's a fucking grot palace! A five star dump. Charley had to put her hand over her mouth to stop the truth coming out. The silence was uncomfortably wonderful. I loved Ziggy getting a sly dig in. What this proves, folks, is cleaning for Carole is about power: nothing more, nothing less. In the real world, she's happy to live in a house Kim and Aggie would probably condemn.
Big Brother! Give the housemates more booze. I liked the twins looking tiddly in the diary room. I liked Brian getting angry about the honour of Basildon and clucking at Charley. And I liked Chanelle and Ziggy pretend romping in the bed.
BYE CHARLEY. Not long now, my pretty.

Big Brother 8: A Break From Myself

So Charley did her usual thing of attacking the world because she was hurt. Far from not being 'bovvered' about the crowds chants, she was heartbroken by it. So she started on Gerry, who was wearing a rather fetching pair of rubber boots. Saying he liked 15 -year-old boys was beyond the pale and her saying 'I didn't know it was illegal' thing didn't really wash. What DOES she have to do to get rubber-booted out of there? If I was Gerry I would have been furious. If it was Ziggy she'd said it to, he'd be going bananas. But because it was Gerry, no one really gave a shit. Carole has proved herself a complete coward, telling Gerry to stop fighting because she's too scared to tell Charley. I think Gerry was completely let down, by Big Brother and his housemates alike.
Obviously feeling a little attention-starved, Ziggy chose this time to throw his toys out of the pram and say he wanted to leave. His manipulating of Chanelle's emotions is unforgivable. Big Brother should pack his suitcase and tell him to hop it.
Carole joining Chanelle and Ziggy in the shower was just horrible. There is something a little bit desperate about that. Not cool.
What else? Liam spoke a few words of wisdom. Did not believe Charley's repenting speech for one second. She'll be off again before you know it. Please can we get rid of her this week? Pretty please?

Big Brother 8: Straight up- I'm not being the clown

Oh, but you are. I feel like there's tumbleweed blowing over my blog at the moment but still I soldier on. I'm not a quitter. I will chronicle the adventures in Nobody Land until Davina's last gurn.
Firstly, I really, really HATE Carole. Not dislike; pure hate. She is a fun hater. Admittedly, the twins and Ziggy's fights aren't funny in the slightest but her going 'what was it? what was it?' about the mystery substance smeared over Amanda's face was really disturbing. Who cares what it was? It's not yours. It's not your house. You're not their mum. JUST FUCK OFF! My favour for Ziggy almost wobbled upwardly until he decided to confide in Charley again: if he had any guts he'd say 'I'm not discussing my relationship with Chanelle with you.' Instead he always throws her a fucking bone. It's no wonder Chanelle is going out of her head. I don't buy all this, 'you hate her more than me' stuff. Ziggy used to hate Charley JUST as much as Chanelle. Until Charley lied that she was popular. Then Ziggy was revealed.
Oh and wasn't that interesting, Charley admitting she exaggerated about the Charley-love at the eviction! I thought she may have genuinely believed it, but no, she's fully aware she talks shit. She can't even plead ignorance as a defence.
Talking of ignorant, Brian made me cry with laughter when he talked about Big Brother hitting puberty. I know he's a popular choice, but he might be overtaking Gerry for me as a pick to win. I get annoyed when Gerry can't pronounce his 'h's.
PS. Nicky, you do deserve to be up. PPS: You also deserve a shovel in the face.

Big Brother 8: I Know It's Over

Hands up who didn't want to knock Charley's teeth out as she rambled on incessantly about her star treatment at the hands of the Big Brother eviction crowd? Honestly, I would not have been surprised if she'd said that Davina had personally rolled out a red carpet for her and asked her where she got her pants (off Chanelle's arse by the looks of things). Does Charley really believe it? Who knows? I do know you'd have to have the patience of a saint not to shout 'SHUT UP!' in her braying, braggy face.
What about all the horrible things CHARLEY said in the chair with Davina? She dissed Ziggy's highlights. Had a go at Chanelle. But this gets forgotten. The injustice of the whole situation is enough to drive you to distraction. Even Liam was kissing arse a little bit. Notice how when they hear 'get Charley out' shouted over the wall they spare her feelings? She'd be in there with a fucking loudspeaker passing on the news with glee. So well done to Gerry and Chanelle for still daring to hate her even if we, the British public, have decided to crown her as our next monarch.
My congratulations cannot extend to Ziggy, however. Yes, I have a confession to make, my love affair with the Zigster ended tonight. I always took his flakiness and bullshit before as him genuinely wanting to do the right thing, or at least look like he was. And I always thought he had his heart in the right place, despite his vaguely Neanderthal views about women and dating. But I cannot defend his behaviour tonight. When he said 'get over yourself' to Chanelle I actually wanted to throttle the vain, pompous cunt. He wouldn't know how to 'get over himself' if Donny Tourette was there to give him a fucking leg up. Chanelle had every right to be pissed off about that, and he was bang out of order to say that in front of everyone. Kowtowing to Charley now he mistakenly believes she is popular is just sickening, and proves that he will literally say whatever makes him look good at the time. To top this off, he continues to string Chanelle along. Bless her, she is going to be so furious when she leaves the house and realises he isn't the be all and end all, he's just a smarmy user. I felt genuinely sorry for her tonight. I would LOVE a Charley vs Chanelle head to head.

Big Brother 8: What's Gluttony?

How can you go through life not knowing basic English? I really do despair. The seven deadly sins task was quite good but I was waiting for them to wake Laura from her sleep and poke her with a cattle prod. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought Carole picked the right people for the sins in the most part. Nicky and Laura are utterly miserable; do they ever laugh? Just treat it as a joke, it's just a game, for God's sake. Tracey's face said it all and her 'it's phat' thing said in a menacing tone really didn't fly with me. You're greedy. Deal with it.
Carole dealt with the jelly bean situation with all the tact and maturity I've come to expect from her: i.e. none. What a muppet. I also thought she should keep her nose out about Laura's dressing gown. Who cares if she hasn't washed it. It's her body. if she stinks, just don't go near her.
Amanda handled the hotdog thing very well- I wouldn't have lasted five seconds in that outfit. The clip of Sam pushing her over and abandoning her on BBLB was genius, there was a genuine look of hatred in her eyes, hahaha. Ziggy handled the gluttony thing with class- no need for the sixhead and the demon twins to torture him further by singing inane ditties outside the window. Give the poor man a break!
Charley dealt with her task better than I expected, and I felt her pain as she hid in the bedroom from all the awful singing. She did look quite cool with her cap at a jaunty angle and an orange vest. I bought an orange vest today, though, so I may be biased.
And did my ears deceive me or did Ziggy say 'I love you' to Chanelle at the end? I rewound it four times on Sky and I can't work out what else it could have been. Shock horror. I do feel he is too good for her, even though her is flaky and manipulative at times. I can't quite wipe that 'I wanna be a WAG' speech she made out of my head. If he'd been around to see that, maybe things would have been a bit different.

Big Brother 8: Unhappy Birthday

Another Big Brother episode that is intangible and unmemorable floats by. The nomination thing was funny and embarrassing for some, I always like it when they show them up like that.
I shared Brian's frustration that there were no fun girls in there. No fun guys either. When Gerry pretending to talk to his mum in Greek on the fish phone is a highlight, you know something is amiss.
And how much more of this Chanelle/ Ziggy situation can we take? He never stops needling her for reassurance. I swear I would have punched him in the face by now. She doesn't help though, she encourages it if anything. His patronising 'I'm so proud of you' speech had me gagging too. What a tosser. And still he's about my third favourite in the house.
The party was funny, but I feel like they edit out half the good bits sometimes, especially this series. However, Charley's drunk ramble at the end was particularly good- how hung up on Ziggy is she still? They should definitely give them more booze and more parties as it makes for a more entertaining housemate.
I think Big Brother fatigue is setting in now, and they need to do something drastic. Unfortunately, the producers seem completely out of ideas too. It's a shame: there's a long way to go, and a ratings disaster could spell the end for Big Brother- no matter how much money they throw at it.

Big Brother 8: Bye Bye Billi

Predictable that Billi went. Yet even when Billi was bitching in the highlights, it didn't really interest me. In his interview he came across as unpleasant and insecure. No one looked in the least bit bothered that he was going- not surprising as he'd got 8 votes.
I was shocked Jonathan didn't go, God knows why. What a drama queen. Ziggy was never going to go. I believed Jonathan though. 'Just another hour to think about it...' Just ship H from Steps in to give the man a bunk up, please.
I was disgusted with Liam's comment of 'I've slept with loads of girls but I want the girl I marry not to have slept with loads of boys'. What do people see in this plank? Not attractive or sexy in the slightest, he's blubbery with squinty eyes and a penchant for yellow and gold clothing. How can he be favourite to win? What does Nicky even see in him? He didn't even stand up for her when Gerry (unfairly) said she may become a bunny boiler. Dick. He should stop leading people on. I'd rather give 100 grand to Charley to spend on Russian teenager's ponytails. I hope Nicky savages him with a Medusa-style braid. Fine she is irritating and boring: so stop touching her all the time if you don't fancy her.
I do not believe for a minute Gerry has slept with 3000 men. But just imagine if it was one of the girls who'd said that. Just imagine it. Different rules apply for men, of course.
Brian is fast coming into his own, pondering on if Shakespeare wrote Babe: Pig in The City. 'He directed that film with Leonardo Dicaprio in it, the one where they talk like their pissed'. SURELY too funny a joke to to be that thick. I do think he's faking a lot of the time. Then I think of him pissing the bed and I'm not so sure.

Big Brother 8: We're psychopatic

Again I watched Big Brother half an hour ago and already the memory of it is fading from reach like smoke. Jonathan wants to leave. Jonathan makes the same speech fifteen hundred times. Ziggy want to leave because Charley called him a pervert, although we don't know why, because of the disjointed editing. Ziggy thinks his family will be upset. Why? ARE you a pervert? Do they THINK you are? For God's sake don't your family know you? Actually, they probably don't. Because we don't. Flouncing off because Jonathan praised Charley, then saying she's good for the house later in the day. For God's sake, it's no wonder Chanelle can't trust you.
Another crap edit and we have no idea why Charley and Billi are arguing. They get sent to the 'happy room' but are too thick to realise it's meant to annoy them. Carol moans. Laura is in bed. God save me. It's so boring.
I enjoyed the twin telepathy task, but wasn't convinced of it's authenticity. Still, the scissors paper stone thing was a bit mental. Telepathy is cool. Corned beef cake aint.
And so today Jonathan didn't leave. And will therefore be forever ridiculed. What a chump. He really does talk utter bollocks. Ooh the Ivy. I forgot to put my could-give-a-fuck hat on. Ooh here it is. OK, now I'm impressed. Fancy food? Expensive food! Paid for by your boss! Oh my god! How exciting!

Big Brother 8: Don't Piss on my Patch

See, I go along liking Ziggy and then he says things like this. Sigh.
The age talk continues. 'I'm older than you!' 'But I've lived five more years...' 'I'm twice your age..' FUCK OFF. Stop talking about it! It's stupid! Honestly, next it will be 'I'm 26 and three quarters!' Zip it, Zigsy.
Not much to say about BB tonight: there is something strangely unwritable about the characters at the moment. The fight was very funny, first Charley vs the young lovers, 'You're a mug!' then Charley vs Billi which was particularly good. 'Model? You're a model for the blind! You fucking div!' Brilliant. Shifty eyed Billi couldn't quite compete with the mega trap calling her 'a fucking bitch'. One thing's for sure, Charley doesn't need a man to defend her honour. Even Gerry admitted he was scared of her! Ha. Love it. I do like a good old barney. Liam the 100K man, meanwhile, dredged the pool. What a deserving trouper.
They totally deserved to live on slop after welching on the sleep task. Brian's diatribe in the diary room was very funny- I like laughing at the yokel. Him pushing the twins round in the garden- you're looking round for the babysitter, aren't you? It's frightening that these people can vote or breed. It's frightening that these people exist. But it's alright. They're in a little box, safe (for now).

Big Brother 8: Sunglasses Indoors

So whilst I was away you fucked up, didn't you? One weekend, up to my elbows in mud and you let Seany go. Even after he gave Charley an early bath whilst wearing a shell suit. You fools. His interview was quite heartbreaking. Poor Gerry. No gay sex for him. I absolutely hate it when the one I want to stay gets the boot, but it has to happen occasionally: if you agree with mainstream public opinion the whole time you end up listening to The Kooks or something. So now we're stuck with OCD Grotbags and an increasingly creepy Jonathan: I hope I misheard him saying he wanted to crack one off over the twins tonight. Good choice, great British public.
BB seemed to go mildly surreal in my absence: the Ziggy/ Chanelle break-up/make-up was plain strange (even the camera angles were moody, like in Eastenders) and could have been alieviated at any point simply by Chanelle saying 'I don't fancy Billi.' But she didn't. And have they shagged? If so, why didn't we get to see?
Billi seems inherently evil as well as ugly and we're hoping in my household they replace his picture with a boss-eyed one. I like Zigs more and more now he has this sexist, vain nemesis with none of his charm. Surely Billi must know game players never prevail? (see Nasty Nick/ the Jungle cats). Ziggy was right, don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors.
I was both amused and confused by Charley and Brian in the caravan: what on earth was that dirty talk/ wanking off thing about? Did he really wet himself or was it something else? He's a comedy character for sure but he MUST have been joking about not knowing who Shakespeare was. That's like not knowing that the earth is round. I enjoyed Charley bouncing off him too, she makes me laugh a lot when she's not doing her super-fast yappy arguing. We might as well enjoy her whilst we can, she'll be hung out to dry soon enough.
Nicky and Liam is doomed to failure, of course. But that's alright. The monotone voice their children would have doesn't bear thinking about.

Big Brother 8: Brianstorm

There is a much better atmosphere in the house now the new boys have arrived. Proving hair straighteners are not just for girls, they are for ridiculously vain men, is Billi. He must be modelling balaclavas with that conk and those teeth. Seems a man of few words, yet Chanelle seems enamoured, much to the chagrin of Ziggles. I do feel sorry for him, as the cracks widen on his craggy 26 year old *cough* face. The Posh n Becks of the house seem to be on the rocks already with a clingy Ziggy and a paranoid Chanelle seemingly talking to themselves half the time. I give it a week before they are rowing like fishwives. All the new men seem ready to jump in at any given moment and Chanelle's not helping matters, saying 'I really like Billi' three times in the space of five minutes, then prancing round in those skimpy 'I'm single' hotpants. She might as well write 'fuck off Ziggy' on her knickers- just in case.
I like Jonathan and I think he will provide some much needed balance to the house. I appreciated the fact he was trying to prise Carole from the mangling. Incidentally, Tracey's reaction to staying in was very telling, not so cool, after all. Clearly this means the earth to her.
Liam I'm not keen on so far, a flabby beefcake, who just seems too dull for me. I could be completely wrong but not interested at the mo. Did you see that yellow baseball cap?
Brian is the real card in the bunch though, a real comedy character (mostly unintentionally). I LOVE his courtship of the twins; a real meeting of (no) minds. His reeling off long words he knew ('passive' is not that long really) was very amusing. He's definitely a couple of pence short of the pound, but seems genuinely lovable.
They are all bedding in at the moment but give it a couple of days and we could see Ziggy heading for the exit. His ego is more fragile than Charleys. One lingering exchange over the hair straighteners between Billi and Chanelle and he could go Hulkwardly.