Big Brother 2015: We all lose

OMG I can't believe I haven't done a blog since Aaron was ejected. No 4 in 4 out, nothing. I just had to change all my blog tags, ha. I've also been annoying Michelle Visage today, so go me.
So did it work booting out four? The way they did it certainly didn't, two of the most tedious hours of TV ever (did the interviews HAVE to be that long?) and ruining the lives of five people (bye twins, back to your putrid boyfriends and botox). Plus we lost Sarah and kept Danny. Fail. As for the four newbies, was it a good trade? Let's be honest, only one was. Why DID they put Sam in? I know why the put Harry in (to get a longer warning shoehorned in at the start of the show), and I guess Showbiz (to bug the crap out of us) and Marc, well, he's Big Brother gold. But why Sam?
A question I wondered even more when we saw the BBUK alumni of Helen 'arguments' Wood, Brian 'yoghurt top' Belo and Nikki 'I'm soooooo cold' Grahame go back into the house. Helen is clearly on the payroll as everyone hates her guts. Nikki was crap in All Stars and if I have to hear 'who is she' one more time I'll punch myself in the face, but so far, she's been brilliant. I enjoyed seeing Brian Belo again; criminally left off Big Brother All Stars, so I'm glad he got the chance to do this.
Marc's fake eviction was brilliant, from the crowd booing him, to his realisation that he was loved. And for the Marc haters, I say, grow up. He's clearly not a bad person (like Helen), the cunty/ sexist things he's said have obviously been scripted and he was sent in there with a clear agenda to antagonise (otherwise, why no warnings for all of his outrageous behaviour?) To actually get annoyed by him would be like getting annoyed with an irritating cartoon character or a sexist character in a sitcom. His downfall might be this alliance with Helen as she is genuinely evil. Meanwhile, Nikki and Brian act like overgrown toddlers in the corner.
The original housemates (remember them) aren't going to know what's hit them tonight. I actually feel sorry for Jack, there's so much hate for him out there and the poor sod thinks he's popular. Helen is gonna eat him alive. If I was his mum, I'd be worried for his mental health.
There is SO much deadwood in the house right now, though, it's appalling. How did Cristian, Chloe and Danny get through auditions? Seriously, who is casting this? Marc is doing the work of ten housemates. How can Sam sit in there and dare think she's entertaining? She's anti entertainment.
In other news, I now love Jade and hate Nick. Nick is pure sleaze and Harry is disgusting. Helen: 'He's definitely fingered her or something.' Jade and her baby voice FTW, please. How are we going to cope with the old lot when the 'legacy' housemates are gone? How?! I can't take anymore arguments about fucking eggs or cereal.
Marc: 'Harry would suck a dick for airtime.' *insert sexist comment about Helen here*
Helen: 'The public aren't stupid.' Says the creator of the phrase 'idiot general public.' Rich!
Helen mentioning Twitter! Fail. Is it worth mentioning outside contact at this point? Thought not. She is going to fuck Marc's game right up. If she keeps telling him he's popular, it's going to be a big mistake.
All the old housemates are doing is talking about Marc. Say Marc had really gone, would that be entertaining viewing for us? What are they doing to entertain us? Nick is in bed. Danny, Joel and Jack have mother's meeting in that little upstairs bar area. Cristian is never even seen he's so dull. Chloe only comes alive when someone calls her fat or says she's got a sexually transmitted disease.
LOL the secret housemates sticking up for Showbiz, hilarious. They must be desperate. Ooh, Helen likes Jade, wtf. That's good news, as let's face it, she'll be the driving force behind the noms. But then remember Ashleigh's secret plan to oust two second Steven? Helen fell for that one.
Brian Belo is eating a yoghurt. No news on the whereabouts of the top.
Showbiz has only got 100 followers on Twitter. Is his Twitter feed just him tweeting SHOWBIZ followed by the crying smiley?
Secret housemates are having a conversation slagging off Facebook people for being 'attention seekers'. Unlike Big Brother contestants, of course.
Emma is now interviewing Maaaaaaaaaark from last year. Why? I thought it was gonna be Ash, too. Why not Ashleigh or creepy Chris? How about Slugsworth? I hate it when they mix up the format like this, it doesn't work at all. Crap! This should be exciting. We wanna see the fight! They'll probably leave it until the last five minutes and save it for tomorrow's highlights.
Jack is so fucking happy today. That won't last. When Jack is happy, I'm unhappy. He is SUCH  a whinging twat. Helen calling him a fat cunt etc was over the top but let's face it, we've all wanted to just tell him to STFU. But now he's tying himself in such knots, it's almost sad to watch. He's basically just going to get bullied by Helen and then bullied by the public. And we stand and cheer. This is what they've driven us to.
Shitstir task with the old housemates asking questions! 'Joel, how do you feel about Harry using Nick?' This is like one of the questions Joel fires at people. YES OR NO.
Marc loves Joel! Yes, save Joel and Jade. I wouldn't have thought he'd be saying that this time last week.
Cue voice: 'Aw, does someone think Jade's jealous?' LOL. I love the baby voice.
OMG that question for Jack is too cruel. 'What message would you send to your adoring fans?' That is too mean! Ha. Did Nikki come up with that one?! Evil.
I'd like to know who wrote each question. I like: 'How does your boyfriend feel about Nick?' Helen: 'What is he, a fucking teddy?' Good one. She may be horrible, but she's like an insult machine. She should go work for the Daily Mail. She's hardcore.
Danny is so thick, my IQ drops when he opens his mouth.
Another bedhopping question for Nick. He's worried about looking 'disingenuine'. Is that the sort of English language skill a private school education gives you? And then he says things will change. He's more obsessed with what the pubic think than Dexter and Showbiz combined. It's unsightly.
OMG Samanda! They are so lush! They were so cool I actually worked out which one was which. They are so cute! I love them so much. They would have deffo won if Brian hadn't been in there. I remember when they went in, screaming over everything, it was so innocent and sweet. That year the final was so great, like a fairytale. Not like the fucking nightmare of last year.
The old housemates are asking some good questions (probably handed to them by production). Nick is in 'the honeymoon phase' with Harry. Harry IS just using Nick, the way she talks about him is horrible, exactly like he is a teddy. It was spot on. Sam is chronically unfunny and uninteresting.
Aisleyne on now, putting Helen on blast. I would rather Aisleyne was in there than Helen. I'd rather anyone was in there until Helen, but I do think she's been good value so far. Also, Ashleeeen's zings weren't all that. It should have been Helen was giving head for the ticket, dur.
It's really pissing me off that they're showing all this bullshit and we're not going to get it kick off. They can't run their own show for shit. When you could watch the live feed on the red button, that was when they knew how to run this show. That was about 25 years ago.
I actually just want to tell Jack to shut up. I pity him! 'He came in a massive wanker, we played him at his own game, he fucking lost and he's out the fucking door. We won.' Do you think Marc was actually watching at that exact second, or the producers (ie Ted) just plays them a highlight reel? I think the second. Marc took that quite well, I'd have hit the roof.
Ha, Brian is intimidated by the other alumni. Don't blame him.
Ah here's the war room antics. I love those little sticks they use. Doesn't Marc have military training, or is that just like Donny had military training in BBUS? Big Brother Canada times.
Are they really foisting Judi James on us at this point when we could be watching the old housemates go in? It's a fucking insult. It really is, I'm appalled. I am actually agog.
Here we go (at long last). This clips package is AMAZING!At least they're showing both sides, showing what EVERYONE has been saying. Jack must have just crapped his pants.
Danny: 'Come in the house, I dare you, you fuckers.' Then holding hands with Jack. How touching, ha. That is one of my favourite moments of tonight!
Old housemates nominating Harry. They need to sort out their camera angles here. Stop showing Sam, who gives a fuck what that boring cow thinks? She's a viewer on this show, not a participant.
Helen: 'Simon's not popular.' Could have done with seeing his face there. Ooh, Mark reassuring Joel when he went in. Good stuff. I think Marc admires the fact Joel has half a brain. I say half, because Joel thinks chickens lay eggs from their neck.
Harry standing on her own. Good. Where's Nick, I wonder? He will sell her out so fast her head will be spinning. Brian: 'This is a bit awks.'
Helen to Danny: 'Are you enjoying it?' He was until you walked in. Now he's got to sleep with one eye open again. 
So they showed about three seconds of that and then we had Emma going 'where's the live feed' blatantly taking the mick out of the people who PAY HER WAGES. What other show takes the mick out of their own audience like this? Really? The lengths they go to, and the different ways they go about rubbing our loyalty to them in our faces is absolutely shocking. I have taken ABUSE off people for watching this show. I get looks of pity. And I deserve them.
PS: We'll be podcasting later this week (most likely Tuesday) so don't forget to check http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm for 100% pure hate, mainly reserved for Emma 'I'm only following orders' Willis. My only comfort is that reading her notifications on her Twitter feed must make her feel how she made Hazel feel when she left the house after getting sexually assaulted.
Night then!

Big Brother 8: Ziggynoia

They always go a bit senile in the final week. I like that. I liked the movie they made and Liam and Ziggy as the twins were ace and the twins acting was good and Ziggy was an amazing Leslie. Brian's impersonation of Charley was bordering on offensive which was highly amusing. It all made me feel quite emotional and I almost liked Carole again. Their little sad faces at the end were heartbreaking.
And I like Jonty's kind, bumbling manner and funny voice and train announcements. I like the fact the twins accept him as he is and aren't creeped out by him.
God if Ziggy's so paranoid about some drunk lardy cake yelling over the fence, wait til he gets out and see what they are saying about him on Digital Spy! I've heard people comment on everything from his hair to his willy. If you care what people think about you, don't go on Big Brother. Your every breath will be dissected. I couldn't stand it. I'd want to rage against it for the rest of eternity and prove that I was alright really, or at least a bit funny, or something.
Carole was looking a bit glam tonight. The other night about about 4am me and my best mate watched the twins straightening and curling Carole's hair on the live feed. Then at about 10am she got up and washed it. Oh well. They tried. I'd just put that bin bag she wears as an apron over her head and have done with it.

Big Brother 8: 'The Right Person Stayed'

Literally gobsmacked at how brainwashed the house is now. I can't believe they said it was an easy decision to let Gerry go, and even implied they would have been stuck if it had been Brian Vs Carole! Oh my God, can you imagine if they kicked out Brian for Carole. Fuck a duck! Listening to them all say Carole deserved to win was abuse of the ear. The only reason Tracey disagreed is because she wants to win. Fat chance, love. I'm glad Gerry stuck the knife in the sour-faced crone as he left. I hope they remember that come nominations.
Amanda: if you don't know if you like someone, it means you don't. End of story. You either do or you don't. The break up was quite sad: I was pleased she had the balls to say it, and Brian was brave to ask straight out, 'Do you fancy me?' It was all very sad and innocent. Is Brian a virgin? My money's on yes.
What was that weird conversation with Liam and the twins at the dining table about? Amanda had a face like thunder (which I enjoyed). Was Liam having a go at her because she ditched Brian? Was he testing the water? He's got a cheek calling her naive just because he likes his date to get a few pints down her neck then open her legs. But then Amy virtually put it on a plate for him and he chickened out! It's all front, I tell you. I don't like him one bit.
The whole bread argument was tedious, but then it involved Carole, so it figures.
Two more weeks.

Big Brother 8: My Party Is Better Than Yours

What a hoot. Big Brother torutured them with Aggadoo and Pass the Parcel and locking them in a room with Nicky, who could start a fight with a newborn baby for looking at her funny. I correctly suggested a snake for her face-painting, but I was shocked she agreed to it. Maybe she's more self-aware than I thought.
Of course this wasn't really a hoot, for them or us. Ziggy looked suitably annoyed. I found Chanelle's singing unintentionally very amusing. She looked pretty in her glitzy dress. She has more genuine charm and kindness than the Zigster.
Brian seemed genuinely affected by Emily using the N word (you dumb-ass Charley, as if he's not allowed to have an opinion on that matter.) and I sensed he may have been the victim of racism in the past. Blunderbus Charley didn't seem to cotton onto this and instead tore shreds off him instead. i was impressed she didn't actually shout: I was willing her to. I love Brian and his touching honestly, I loved his anger and his tears and his brave face in the party room.
Charley could learn something from him. But she won't.

Big Brother 8: Bye Bye Billi

Predictable that Billi went. Yet even when Billi was bitching in the highlights, it didn't really interest me. In his interview he came across as unpleasant and insecure. No one looked in the least bit bothered that he was going- not surprising as he'd got 8 votes.
I was shocked Jonathan didn't go, God knows why. What a drama queen. Ziggy was never going to go. I believed Jonathan though. 'Just another hour to think about it...' Just ship H from Steps in to give the man a bunk up, please.
I was disgusted with Liam's comment of 'I've slept with loads of girls but I want the girl I marry not to have slept with loads of boys'. What do people see in this plank? Not attractive or sexy in the slightest, he's blubbery with squinty eyes and a penchant for yellow and gold clothing. How can he be favourite to win? What does Nicky even see in him? He didn't even stand up for her when Gerry (unfairly) said she may become a bunny boiler. Dick. He should stop leading people on. I'd rather give 100 grand to Charley to spend on Russian teenager's ponytails. I hope Nicky savages him with a Medusa-style braid. Fine she is irritating and boring: so stop touching her all the time if you don't fancy her.
I do not believe for a minute Gerry has slept with 3000 men. But just imagine if it was one of the girls who'd said that. Just imagine it. Different rules apply for men, of course.
Brian is fast coming into his own, pondering on if Shakespeare wrote Babe: Pig in The City. 'He directed that film with Leonardo Dicaprio in it, the one where they talk like their pissed'. SURELY too funny a joke to to be that thick. I do think he's faking a lot of the time. Then I think of him pissing the bed and I'm not so sure.

Big Brother 8: Brianstorm

There is a much better atmosphere in the house now the new boys have arrived. Proving hair straighteners are not just for girls, they are for ridiculously vain men, is Billi. He must be modelling balaclavas with that conk and those teeth. Seems a man of few words, yet Chanelle seems enamoured, much to the chagrin of Ziggles. I do feel sorry for him, as the cracks widen on his craggy 26 year old *cough* face. The Posh n Becks of the house seem to be on the rocks already with a clingy Ziggy and a paranoid Chanelle seemingly talking to themselves half the time. I give it a week before they are rowing like fishwives. All the new men seem ready to jump in at any given moment and Chanelle's not helping matters, saying 'I really like Billi' three times in the space of five minutes, then prancing round in those skimpy 'I'm single' hotpants. She might as well write 'fuck off Ziggy' on her knickers- just in case.
I like Jonathan and I think he will provide some much needed balance to the house. I appreciated the fact he was trying to prise Carole from the mangling. Incidentally, Tracey's reaction to staying in was very telling, not so cool, after all. Clearly this means the earth to her.
Liam I'm not keen on so far, a flabby beefcake, who just seems too dull for me. I could be completely wrong but not interested at the mo. Did you see that yellow baseball cap?
Brian is the real card in the bunch though, a real comedy character (mostly unintentionally). I LOVE his courtship of the twins; a real meeting of (no) minds. His reeling off long words he knew ('passive' is not that long really) was very amusing. He's definitely a couple of pence short of the pound, but seems genuinely lovable.
They are all bedding in at the moment but give it a couple of days and we could see Ziggy heading for the exit. His ego is more fragile than Charleys. One lingering exchange over the hair straighteners between Billi and Chanelle and he could go Hulkwardly.