Big Brother 8: It's Not You, It's Me

I was away at a friends this weekend, and was jolted from my chips-by-the-seaside reverie by another friends text message saying Chanelle had left BB. Actually she hadn't/ hasn't. But who could really blame her if she does? I hope Ziggles knows that if she does, his name will be dirt FOREVER. I was so glad she called him up on it when he tried to force-feed her a bumper pack of flannels and said 'it's not you it's me'. What a cunt. And what was that whole Chanelle fancying Liam thing about? What rubbish. Ziggy is just playing games now. Chanelle was actually right about Gonky the glamour model, it was a bit strange the way she came in and spent five minutes dissing everyone before saying 'hello.' Where are your manners, love?
David seems OK, even if he's bursting out of his clothes and wearing a scarf in July. Gerry is DESPERATE to keep him in, but will be succeed? Kara Louise- dunno, not seen enough of her yet. Jonty: clearly barking. Do you know ONE grown adult in life who goes to sleep cuddling a teddy bear? Me neither. Gerry was right though, Tracey seemed genuinely fearful of him. Chances of Jonty becoming a housemate? Zero.
And then there is Shanessa. 'How do you get to be Jewish?' Christ. I loved it when she stood there with a hideously saggy tit out, too. She makes Kinga look like Kate Middleton. Chances of her becoming a housemate? Minus zero. Chances of her copping off with Jonty? 50/50?
I'm liking Liam a little more for every pound of muscle of his that turns into flab.

Big Brother 8: Spolit Brat

Chanelle's odds must have dropped faster than Britney's popularity tonight. Having a temper tantrum for five minutes is acceptable, hyperventilating and throwing yourself around the diary room over a violin is just ridiculous.My boyfriend left the room about five minutes in and is still watching the new Die Hard on my laptop as we speak (I've been relagated to the frigging Mac of Doom). Which is Chanelle's fault! Just fucking leave then, you dopey cunt! She DOES talk to Ziganoid like he's a piece of shit. She's dumb because that was what pushed him away last time.
Weirdly though, when Ziggy performed the most badly sung, unsexy (although very funny) performance of 'love on the Northern Line' (er Ziggy, the Northern Line smells like sweaty socks, try the Piccadilly mate) Chanelle suddenly fell in love with him again. 'My boyfriend's a POPSTAR!' Um, no. He was. In 1946. Now he's a wrinkly old fossil.
At one point when Chanelle was wigging out Liam looked at the camera and for just one second, you could read his mind. Perfect.
The Charley trap juggered on like a creaky old train heading for the knackers yard. 'Chanelle's copying me!' Yeah, what a role model you are. Bitch knickers.
Tracey was mildly funny as Cowell and took her sexual assault from Ziggy in good spirits.
I LOVED it when Brain's family told him to 'sort your bloody hair out'. Yay.

Big Brother 8: I'm Not Sorry

Nominations were par for the course really. I think Charley's time IS up. BB can't save her again, it's time for her to take the walk of shame. Chavs of Borehamwood, you'd better roll out those billboards of her beautiful, angelic face.
Loved Gerry's mum wanting to take him to an island (hopefully not to leave him there or bury him) and loved the wigs.
I also LOVED Charley and Chanelle's row! 'Fuck off you bitch!' 'You scruffy little slut!' Brilliant. Charley always hits below the belt 'you look fuck all like Posh Spice!' Harsh. But great. If in doubt, just shout 'fuck off!' I also like it when Chanelle copies Nikki in the diary room. It's good to see someone venting. The twins did their thousand-yard stare. Why don't they walk off? Why don't they shout 'stop it!' I have visions of them witnessing the horror of war as children then making a pact to wipe the memory by shouting 'pink!' until they can't remember seeing babies entrails and feet being blasted into the air and onto dead dogs and their raped owners.
Talking of dogs... Ziggy's orgasmic response to his Molly said more about how he relates to humans than anything else. The dog growling at him was inadvertently hilarious. Aw it was nice when it licked his face though, and he cried. I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Chanelle was a little childish to beat him up about it. She's got the power baton again, though, hasn't she? And she's going to wield it. Until it's Ziggy's go again. In the meantime, Charley is missing a trick if she doesn't come up with some barb about Ziggy's dog to Chanelle.
So in summary, vote Charley, and lets hope for some new housemates. We're going to need a new baddie. And they've got a LOT to live up to.

Big Brother 8: Straight up- I'm not being the clown

Oh, but you are. I feel like there's tumbleweed blowing over my blog at the moment but still I soldier on. I'm not a quitter. I will chronicle the adventures in Nobody Land until Davina's last gurn.
Firstly, I really, really HATE Carole. Not dislike; pure hate. She is a fun hater. Admittedly, the twins and Ziggy's fights aren't funny in the slightest but her going 'what was it? what was it?' about the mystery substance smeared over Amanda's face was really disturbing. Who cares what it was? It's not yours. It's not your house. You're not their mum. JUST FUCK OFF! My favour for Ziggy almost wobbled upwardly until he decided to confide in Charley again: if he had any guts he'd say 'I'm not discussing my relationship with Chanelle with you.' Instead he always throws her a fucking bone. It's no wonder Chanelle is going out of her head. I don't buy all this, 'you hate her more than me' stuff. Ziggy used to hate Charley JUST as much as Chanelle. Until Charley lied that she was popular. Then Ziggy was revealed.
Oh and wasn't that interesting, Charley admitting she exaggerated about the Charley-love at the eviction! I thought she may have genuinely believed it, but no, she's fully aware she talks shit. She can't even plead ignorance as a defence.
Talking of ignorant, Brian made me cry with laughter when he talked about Big Brother hitting puberty. I know he's a popular choice, but he might be overtaking Gerry for me as a pick to win. I get annoyed when Gerry can't pronounce his 'h's.
PS. Nicky, you do deserve to be up. PPS: You also deserve a shovel in the face.

Big Brother 8: I Know It's Over

Hands up who didn't want to knock Charley's teeth out as she rambled on incessantly about her star treatment at the hands of the Big Brother eviction crowd? Honestly, I would not have been surprised if she'd said that Davina had personally rolled out a red carpet for her and asked her where she got her pants (off Chanelle's arse by the looks of things). Does Charley really believe it? Who knows? I do know you'd have to have the patience of a saint not to shout 'SHUT UP!' in her braying, braggy face.
What about all the horrible things CHARLEY said in the chair with Davina? She dissed Ziggy's highlights. Had a go at Chanelle. But this gets forgotten. The injustice of the whole situation is enough to drive you to distraction. Even Liam was kissing arse a little bit. Notice how when they hear 'get Charley out' shouted over the wall they spare her feelings? She'd be in there with a fucking loudspeaker passing on the news with glee. So well done to Gerry and Chanelle for still daring to hate her even if we, the British public, have decided to crown her as our next monarch.
My congratulations cannot extend to Ziggy, however. Yes, I have a confession to make, my love affair with the Zigster ended tonight. I always took his flakiness and bullshit before as him genuinely wanting to do the right thing, or at least look like he was. And I always thought he had his heart in the right place, despite his vaguely Neanderthal views about women and dating. But I cannot defend his behaviour tonight. When he said 'get over yourself' to Chanelle I actually wanted to throttle the vain, pompous cunt. He wouldn't know how to 'get over himself' if Donny Tourette was there to give him a fucking leg up. Chanelle had every right to be pissed off about that, and he was bang out of order to say that in front of everyone. Kowtowing to Charley now he mistakenly believes she is popular is just sickening, and proves that he will literally say whatever makes him look good at the time. To top this off, he continues to string Chanelle along. Bless her, she is going to be so furious when she leaves the house and realises he isn't the be all and end all, he's just a smarmy user. I felt genuinely sorry for her tonight. I would LOVE a Charley vs Chanelle head to head.

Big Brother 8: What's Gluttony?

How can you go through life not knowing basic English? I really do despair. The seven deadly sins task was quite good but I was waiting for them to wake Laura from her sleep and poke her with a cattle prod. Maybe tomorrow.
I thought Carole picked the right people for the sins in the most part. Nicky and Laura are utterly miserable; do they ever laugh? Just treat it as a joke, it's just a game, for God's sake. Tracey's face said it all and her 'it's phat' thing said in a menacing tone really didn't fly with me. You're greedy. Deal with it.
Carole dealt with the jelly bean situation with all the tact and maturity I've come to expect from her: i.e. none. What a muppet. I also thought she should keep her nose out about Laura's dressing gown. Who cares if she hasn't washed it. It's her body. if she stinks, just don't go near her.
Amanda handled the hotdog thing very well- I wouldn't have lasted five seconds in that outfit. The clip of Sam pushing her over and abandoning her on BBLB was genius, there was a genuine look of hatred in her eyes, hahaha. Ziggy handled the gluttony thing with class- no need for the sixhead and the demon twins to torture him further by singing inane ditties outside the window. Give the poor man a break!
Charley dealt with her task better than I expected, and I felt her pain as she hid in the bedroom from all the awful singing. She did look quite cool with her cap at a jaunty angle and an orange vest. I bought an orange vest today, though, so I may be biased.
And did my ears deceive me or did Ziggy say 'I love you' to Chanelle at the end? I rewound it four times on Sky and I can't work out what else it could have been. Shock horror. I do feel he is too good for her, even though her is flaky and manipulative at times. I can't quite wipe that 'I wanna be a WAG' speech she made out of my head. If he'd been around to see that, maybe things would have been a bit different.

Big Brother 8: Bye Bye Billi

Predictable that Billi went. Yet even when Billi was bitching in the highlights, it didn't really interest me. In his interview he came across as unpleasant and insecure. No one looked in the least bit bothered that he was going- not surprising as he'd got 8 votes.
I was shocked Jonathan didn't go, God knows why. What a drama queen. Ziggy was never going to go. I believed Jonathan though. 'Just another hour to think about it...' Just ship H from Steps in to give the man a bunk up, please.
I was disgusted with Liam's comment of 'I've slept with loads of girls but I want the girl I marry not to have slept with loads of boys'. What do people see in this plank? Not attractive or sexy in the slightest, he's blubbery with squinty eyes and a penchant for yellow and gold clothing. How can he be favourite to win? What does Nicky even see in him? He didn't even stand up for her when Gerry (unfairly) said she may become a bunny boiler. Dick. He should stop leading people on. I'd rather give 100 grand to Charley to spend on Russian teenager's ponytails. I hope Nicky savages him with a Medusa-style braid. Fine she is irritating and boring: so stop touching her all the time if you don't fancy her.
I do not believe for a minute Gerry has slept with 3000 men. But just imagine if it was one of the girls who'd said that. Just imagine it. Different rules apply for men, of course.
Brian is fast coming into his own, pondering on if Shakespeare wrote Babe: Pig in The City. 'He directed that film with Leonardo Dicaprio in it, the one where they talk like their pissed'. SURELY too funny a joke to to be that thick. I do think he's faking a lot of the time. Then I think of him pissing the bed and I'm not so sure.

Big Brother 8: Sunglasses Indoors

So whilst I was away you fucked up, didn't you? One weekend, up to my elbows in mud and you let Seany go. Even after he gave Charley an early bath whilst wearing a shell suit. You fools. His interview was quite heartbreaking. Poor Gerry. No gay sex for him. I absolutely hate it when the one I want to stay gets the boot, but it has to happen occasionally: if you agree with mainstream public opinion the whole time you end up listening to The Kooks or something. So now we're stuck with OCD Grotbags and an increasingly creepy Jonathan: I hope I misheard him saying he wanted to crack one off over the twins tonight. Good choice, great British public.
BB seemed to go mildly surreal in my absence: the Ziggy/ Chanelle break-up/make-up was plain strange (even the camera angles were moody, like in Eastenders) and could have been alieviated at any point simply by Chanelle saying 'I don't fancy Billi.' But she didn't. And have they shagged? If so, why didn't we get to see?
Billi seems inherently evil as well as ugly and we're hoping in my household they replace his picture with a boss-eyed one. I like Zigs more and more now he has this sexist, vain nemesis with none of his charm. Surely Billi must know game players never prevail? (see Nasty Nick/ the Jungle cats). Ziggy was right, don't trust people who wear sunglasses indoors.
I was both amused and confused by Charley and Brian in the caravan: what on earth was that dirty talk/ wanking off thing about? Did he really wet himself or was it something else? He's a comedy character for sure but he MUST have been joking about not knowing who Shakespeare was. That's like not knowing that the earth is round. I enjoyed Charley bouncing off him too, she makes me laugh a lot when she's not doing her super-fast yappy arguing. We might as well enjoy her whilst we can, she'll be hung out to dry soon enough.
Nicky and Liam is doomed to failure, of course. But that's alright. The monotone voice their children would have doesn't bear thinking about.

Big Brother 8: Brianstorm

There is a much better atmosphere in the house now the new boys have arrived. Proving hair straighteners are not just for girls, they are for ridiculously vain men, is Billi. He must be modelling balaclavas with that conk and those teeth. Seems a man of few words, yet Chanelle seems enamoured, much to the chagrin of Ziggles. I do feel sorry for him, as the cracks widen on his craggy 26 year old *cough* face. The Posh n Becks of the house seem to be on the rocks already with a clingy Ziggy and a paranoid Chanelle seemingly talking to themselves half the time. I give it a week before they are rowing like fishwives. All the new men seem ready to jump in at any given moment and Chanelle's not helping matters, saying 'I really like Billi' three times in the space of five minutes, then prancing round in those skimpy 'I'm single' hotpants. She might as well write 'fuck off Ziggy' on her knickers- just in case.
I like Jonathan and I think he will provide some much needed balance to the house. I appreciated the fact he was trying to prise Carole from the mangling. Incidentally, Tracey's reaction to staying in was very telling, not so cool, after all. Clearly this means the earth to her.
Liam I'm not keen on so far, a flabby beefcake, who just seems too dull for me. I could be completely wrong but not interested at the mo. Did you see that yellow baseball cap?
Brian is the real card in the bunch though, a real comedy character (mostly unintentionally). I LOVE his courtship of the twins; a real meeting of (no) minds. His reeling off long words he knew ('passive' is not that long really) was very amusing. He's definitely a couple of pence short of the pound, but seems genuinely lovable.
They are all bedding in at the moment but give it a couple of days and we could see Ziggy heading for the exit. His ego is more fragile than Charleys. One lingering exchange over the hair straighteners between Billi and Chanelle and he could go Hulkwardly.