Big Brother 2015: We all lose

OMG I can't believe I haven't done a blog since Aaron was ejected. No 4 in 4 out, nothing. I just had to change all my blog tags, ha. I've also been annoying Michelle Visage today, so go me.
So did it work booting out four? The way they did it certainly didn't, two of the most tedious hours of TV ever (did the interviews HAVE to be that long?) and ruining the lives of five people (bye twins, back to your putrid boyfriends and botox). Plus we lost Sarah and kept Danny. Fail. As for the four newbies, was it a good trade? Let's be honest, only one was. Why DID they put Sam in? I know why the put Harry in (to get a longer warning shoehorned in at the start of the show), and I guess Showbiz (to bug the crap out of us) and Marc, well, he's Big Brother gold. But why Sam?
A question I wondered even more when we saw the BBUK alumni of Helen 'arguments' Wood, Brian 'yoghurt top' Belo and Nikki 'I'm soooooo cold' Grahame go back into the house. Helen is clearly on the payroll as everyone hates her guts. Nikki was crap in All Stars and if I have to hear 'who is she' one more time I'll punch myself in the face, but so far, she's been brilliant. I enjoyed seeing Brian Belo again; criminally left off Big Brother All Stars, so I'm glad he got the chance to do this.
Marc's fake eviction was brilliant, from the crowd booing him, to his realisation that he was loved. And for the Marc haters, I say, grow up. He's clearly not a bad person (like Helen), the cunty/ sexist things he's said have obviously been scripted and he was sent in there with a clear agenda to antagonise (otherwise, why no warnings for all of his outrageous behaviour?) To actually get annoyed by him would be like getting annoyed with an irritating cartoon character or a sexist character in a sitcom. His downfall might be this alliance with Helen as she is genuinely evil. Meanwhile, Nikki and Brian act like overgrown toddlers in the corner.
The original housemates (remember them) aren't going to know what's hit them tonight. I actually feel sorry for Jack, there's so much hate for him out there and the poor sod thinks he's popular. Helen is gonna eat him alive. If I was his mum, I'd be worried for his mental health.
There is SO much deadwood in the house right now, though, it's appalling. How did Cristian, Chloe and Danny get through auditions? Seriously, who is casting this? Marc is doing the work of ten housemates. How can Sam sit in there and dare think she's entertaining? She's anti entertainment.
In other news, I now love Jade and hate Nick. Nick is pure sleaze and Harry is disgusting. Helen: 'He's definitely fingered her or something.' Jade and her baby voice FTW, please. How are we going to cope with the old lot when the 'legacy' housemates are gone? How?! I can't take anymore arguments about fucking eggs or cereal.
Marc: 'Harry would suck a dick for airtime.' *insert sexist comment about Helen here*
Helen: 'The public aren't stupid.' Says the creator of the phrase 'idiot general public.' Rich!
Helen mentioning Twitter! Fail. Is it worth mentioning outside contact at this point? Thought not. She is going to fuck Marc's game right up. If she keeps telling him he's popular, it's going to be a big mistake.
All the old housemates are doing is talking about Marc. Say Marc had really gone, would that be entertaining viewing for us? What are they doing to entertain us? Nick is in bed. Danny, Joel and Jack have mother's meeting in that little upstairs bar area. Cristian is never even seen he's so dull. Chloe only comes alive when someone calls her fat or says she's got a sexually transmitted disease.
LOL the secret housemates sticking up for Showbiz, hilarious. They must be desperate. Ooh, Helen likes Jade, wtf. That's good news, as let's face it, she'll be the driving force behind the noms. But then remember Ashleigh's secret plan to oust two second Steven? Helen fell for that one.
Brian Belo is eating a yoghurt. No news on the whereabouts of the top.
Showbiz has only got 100 followers on Twitter. Is his Twitter feed just him tweeting SHOWBIZ followed by the crying smiley?
Secret housemates are having a conversation slagging off Facebook people for being 'attention seekers'. Unlike Big Brother contestants, of course.
Emma is now interviewing Maaaaaaaaaark from last year. Why? I thought it was gonna be Ash, too. Why not Ashleigh or creepy Chris? How about Slugsworth? I hate it when they mix up the format like this, it doesn't work at all. Crap! This should be exciting. We wanna see the fight! They'll probably leave it until the last five minutes and save it for tomorrow's highlights.
Jack is so fucking happy today. That won't last. When Jack is happy, I'm unhappy. He is SUCH  a whinging twat. Helen calling him a fat cunt etc was over the top but let's face it, we've all wanted to just tell him to STFU. But now he's tying himself in such knots, it's almost sad to watch. He's basically just going to get bullied by Helen and then bullied by the public. And we stand and cheer. This is what they've driven us to.
Shitstir task with the old housemates asking questions! 'Joel, how do you feel about Harry using Nick?' This is like one of the questions Joel fires at people. YES OR NO.
Marc loves Joel! Yes, save Joel and Jade. I wouldn't have thought he'd be saying that this time last week.
Cue voice: 'Aw, does someone think Jade's jealous?' LOL. I love the baby voice.
OMG that question for Jack is too cruel. 'What message would you send to your adoring fans?' That is too mean! Ha. Did Nikki come up with that one?! Evil.
I'd like to know who wrote each question. I like: 'How does your boyfriend feel about Nick?' Helen: 'What is he, a fucking teddy?' Good one. She may be horrible, but she's like an insult machine. She should go work for the Daily Mail. She's hardcore.
Danny is so thick, my IQ drops when he opens his mouth.
Another bedhopping question for Nick. He's worried about looking 'disingenuine'. Is that the sort of English language skill a private school education gives you? And then he says things will change. He's more obsessed with what the pubic think than Dexter and Showbiz combined. It's unsightly.
OMG Samanda! They are so lush! They were so cool I actually worked out which one was which. They are so cute! I love them so much. They would have deffo won if Brian hadn't been in there. I remember when they went in, screaming over everything, it was so innocent and sweet. That year the final was so great, like a fairytale. Not like the fucking nightmare of last year.
The old housemates are asking some good questions (probably handed to them by production). Nick is in 'the honeymoon phase' with Harry. Harry IS just using Nick, the way she talks about him is horrible, exactly like he is a teddy. It was spot on. Sam is chronically unfunny and uninteresting.
Aisleyne on now, putting Helen on blast. I would rather Aisleyne was in there than Helen. I'd rather anyone was in there until Helen, but I do think she's been good value so far. Also, Ashleeeen's zings weren't all that. It should have been Helen was giving head for the ticket, dur.
It's really pissing me off that they're showing all this bullshit and we're not going to get it kick off. They can't run their own show for shit. When you could watch the live feed on the red button, that was when they knew how to run this show. That was about 25 years ago.
I actually just want to tell Jack to shut up. I pity him! 'He came in a massive wanker, we played him at his own game, he fucking lost and he's out the fucking door. We won.' Do you think Marc was actually watching at that exact second, or the producers (ie Ted) just plays them a highlight reel? I think the second. Marc took that quite well, I'd have hit the roof.
Ha, Brian is intimidated by the other alumni. Don't blame him.
Ah here's the war room antics. I love those little sticks they use. Doesn't Marc have military training, or is that just like Donny had military training in BBUS? Big Brother Canada times.
Are they really foisting Judi James on us at this point when we could be watching the old housemates go in? It's a fucking insult. It really is, I'm appalled. I am actually agog.
Here we go (at long last). This clips package is AMAZING!At least they're showing both sides, showing what EVERYONE has been saying. Jack must have just crapped his pants.
Danny: 'Come in the house, I dare you, you fuckers.' Then holding hands with Jack. How touching, ha. That is one of my favourite moments of tonight!
Old housemates nominating Harry. They need to sort out their camera angles here. Stop showing Sam, who gives a fuck what that boring cow thinks? She's a viewer on this show, not a participant.
Helen: 'Simon's not popular.' Could have done with seeing his face there. Ooh, Mark reassuring Joel when he went in. Good stuff. I think Marc admires the fact Joel has half a brain. I say half, because Joel thinks chickens lay eggs from their neck.
Harry standing on her own. Good. Where's Nick, I wonder? He will sell her out so fast her head will be spinning. Brian: 'This is a bit awks.'
Helen to Danny: 'Are you enjoying it?' He was until you walked in. Now he's got to sleep with one eye open again. 
So they showed about three seconds of that and then we had Emma going 'where's the live feed' blatantly taking the mick out of the people who PAY HER WAGES. What other show takes the mick out of their own audience like this? Really? The lengths they go to, and the different ways they go about rubbing our loyalty to them in our faces is absolutely shocking. I have taken ABUSE off people for watching this show. I get looks of pity. And I deserve them.
PS: We'll be podcasting later this week (most likely Tuesday) so don't forget to check http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm for 100% pure hate, mainly reserved for Emma 'I'm only following orders' Willis. My only comfort is that reading her notifications on her Twitter feed must make her feel how she made Hazel feel when she left the house after getting sexually assaulted.
Night then!

Ultimate Big Brother: The End

I suppose I should say something important about Big Brother. My hits double when it's on, yet my blogs are dashed out; poor quality and bad jokes. But I love it, and I love writing about it. And what will I do when it's gone? I'll have to write about feminism, film, books and music again. But of course, none of those things are as good as Big Brother. Big Brother lasted the whole of my twenties. And now it's gone. Or has it? It's funny, I was talking about Big Brother at work today and people instinctively went 'ugh'. My boss jokingly said 'you wouldn't have passed the interview if I'd known you watched that!' But then two voices spoke, saying 'who do you want to win? 'Do you remember when this happened?' And there it was, the other side, the side who get it. The funny thing is, I don't have to seek people out who like Big Brother. My best friends, my best best friends, all love it, talk about it avidly. We all grew up with it. It's part of our memories, as much as an ex boyfriend, or holiday. No, fuck that, I remember much more about Big Brother than ex boyfriends or holidays. Anyway, that's enough self indulgence.
I just watched BBLB! I'm watching the main show late as waiting for my boyfriend. The music video thing was actually good.
So, has UBB delivered? No, it's actually been quite lacklustre, but it doesn't matter, because it's about nostalgia, and that shouldn't be abrasive. It's been a walk down memory lane. Nadia fell off the path, and that's a shame. But that's the risk you take. Jade Goody showed you that much. Victor could have gone in and done something stupid, and actually he's been a joy. Nikki's mellowed, Bass has mellowed.
On last night's live feed I listened to Victor reel of a list of which Big Brother contestants he'd fuck: it was pretty much EVERYONE, including Charley and Bea (because she said she gave good head) but not Chanelle as she was 'too whiny'. Just where does the man draw the line?!
Anyway, I digress. Oh, also because I'm watching this late I was too late to vote! But I would have voted for Nikki and Victor FTW. I'd love to see them in the final two, although it will never happen.
OMG will we never hear that theme music again? That music has aged well, you know. Ooh, Davina's in red for the first time in 11 years. I think she looks rather nice.
Preston is looking exceptionally greasy today. Oh they are they still trying to squeeze out these Chantelle/Preston dregs? They're over it, we're over it. Let's move on.
I saw Ulrika saying she solely went in for the money and they gave her an offer she couldn't refuse. Which begs the question, why? They could have got Brian Belo for a Nandos voucher. Arseholes.
The eviction crowd looks ugly as fuck, I must say. So these are the booing trolls! Gross.
The funeral is quite a cute idea. I enjoyed those adverts. What will happen to Marcus now? Ofcom, LOL.
IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS, NOT TEN YEARS. (sorry, I've been wanting to say this all day)
ULRIKA OUT FIRST. Please, please, please.
Liked Nikki having a little moment on her own! LOL to James Blunt clearing the room. James Blunt makes me cry too. What a rubbish song. Tired of Chantelle crying now! She'd better not win just because she's crying. I can't stand the sympathy vote.
This behind the scenes thing was OK for five minutes, but they're overdoing it a bit. Get on with the 'victor(tions)!
GOOD! Justice has been done. Ulrika should never have been in there in the first place. A disgraceful decision by the complacent producers. Almost all the celebrities are out now, and that's the right result. Vanessa is ten times the woman Ulrika could ever be! I like what Ulrika's wearing, but that's about it.
Eww Coolio is there! Gross. They shouldn't even have him there, he's an offensive cunt. That is so galling that Coolio is there and Nadia isn't, it's actually disgusting. Bad, bad decision. He was no good the first time round, and he was abhorrent the second time round.
Hope Preston is out next, he's done NOTHING in that house. YES! This is actually going our way. Brills. Preston looks pocket sized. YES! All the celebrities are out now. Cool. His six pack looks OK, though! I do like his Morrissey hair. He's not as fit as he was though, and he's only about 27. He looks very tired.
Preston did a swear. Oops. Ooh he didn't realise that Chantelle still wuvved him. I think he did. He's not stupid. Really awful watching that Chantelle montage. Actually cruel. That's real life, not TV. I think Davina going 'she fancies you' is really quite crass. They promised to love each other forever, and fucked it. It shouldn't be for mass consumption. We didn't even get to see the chat they had today! Swizzed.
I like Naughty Nick better than Nice Nick. Aw Preston seems like a real Big Brother fan.
I reckon Nick or Nikki will go next. I'm glad it's Nick TBH. He could never have won it. He's got his Dating in the Dark jacket on again. He gets to go out the front door this time! Happy days. Here's to you Nasty Nick. Our Nasty Nick shrine used to rule. Those were the days I was still doing speed! *vomit* You are the daddy!
Nick has got a lot to thank Victor for, you know. Victor talked that guy up 24/7 in that house. Bateman!
I'm sure Nick had an interview from Davina before, though. But still nice to see him in the big chair!
Will we never again hear 'you've been plotting a very dirty plan?' Well, I've only heard it 6 billion times. I think it's cool to be called Nasty Nick anyway! So glad they're not taking calls from the scummy public tonight. LOL to Nick slagging Nadia and Davina hushing him!
I'd love Chantelle to go now, but I think it will be Nikki.
Oh no. So sad Victor went then. Him and Nick put so much effort in whilst all those cunts were sleeping. He went the extra mile! Racism! Oh well, at least he outlasted Ulrika, Nick and Preston. Would have been so lovely if he'd won.
No nominations his whole time in the house! LOL. Nick and Vic laughed NON-STOP in that snug! Respect. Vic rebuilt Nasty Nick. Truth. SHAMEFUL they covered up BBLBC. *sadface*
OMG Jade tribute! TWEED! I'm glad they did this, to be honest. They had to, really. She looked good when she went back into that house. I still think she kind of did it for her mum, and that broomstick Tweed. Not such a wise move, as it turned out.
I'll never forget Jade's disgusting rants against Shilpa. I was even blogging that year, and it seems like an eternity ago. And they TOLD HER before she left that she had done a gigantic fuck up. And they should never have done that. If you live by the sword... well, she died by it.
And that's partly why I'm surprised they covered up Coolio-gate, because they hung Jade out to dry that year, so why would they not do the same to Coolio? It leaves a very sour taste that they'd cover ANYTHING up in Big Brother, because it's the exact opposite of everything Big Brother stands for.
They shouldn't show that thing where she got told she had cancer on Big Brother India, that was totally wrong.
Wow, that was really upsetting. Eek, the night I watched Jade's wedding I had to call an an ambulance because I had such bad stomach pains. I thought I was going to die. Bad buzz. Bad memories. Very, very sad. if it could have been her, it could have been anyone you know, and that's just the reality of life. You won't win the lottery; you'll get hit by a fucking bus. Scary, but that's how it goes down.
2nd show! Pull yourself together! I'm having to skip Dermot's last supper for now as I'm two hours behind and keen to see who gets the boot especially as my phone is buzzing even though I SPECIFICALLY TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO TELL ME THE RESULT! Cunts.
Is this Paul Oakenfold remixed by Radiohead? Either way, it's a fucking din.
I want Nikki to win. She's getting a massive cheer! SHIT Chantelle went before Nikki! Sweet. So happy for Nikki. She is a classic housemate. This is ALMOST right, except for Victor's early exit.
Did Davina just look at an imaginary watch?
Preston looking uncomfortable during the interview! Very sad. People don't get married for a magazine deal, believe it or not, cynics. Uh, Coolio is SCUM. Even the mere mention of him is making me FURIOUS. Nadia was a billion times the housemate he ever was, and I could barely stand her in her year.
Shit! Is this it! Fack. Didn't want Brian to win. Wanted Nikki to get it. I like Brian, but zzz. He invested nothing of himself this year, he just trotted out a few lines and sailed through. Victor was fighting for his life every night!
Nikki's come dressed as Dot Cotton tonight. She looked better on Wednesday with her red lipstick on!
Nikki pulls the best faces in HISTORY. Fact.
Does Brian actually win anything? I hope he didn't expect to win. It just felt to me, like he did.
OMG that band is shit. Brian actually got some fireworks. I don't think they gave Josie any. I wonder how she would have done, but we'll never know.
I do like Brian, but I find him a little superficial. What's at the heart of him? I don't know, but my boyfriend is happy! He just called him a Big Brother behemoth! LOL.
Ha to Brian having a crush on Victor! They would make a great couple.
And here's to the people I liked who they erased from airbrushed from BB history: Craig Coates, Helen Adams, Science, Derek, Ziggy, Marcus, Freddie, Maxwell & Saskia. And who I didn't like, but seems to have been erased: Kate Lawler.
I like this 'Time to say goodbye' video. It's like a Killers video! I like the symmetry of Josie (the end) and Craig (the start). Josie does look like Angel for some reason. I like John James's eyeliner running. Cute.
Davina-tage! Davina is marmite. I hate her mostly, but I feel affection for her just because of the show. She's like an annoying aunt. Nasty Nick looks EXACTLY THE SAME 11 years ago!
Ok I cracked and cried! Where was Russell!? He could have done a little VT, the bugger. Ballbags.
I love those numbskulls. This blog was a long 'ting! Stick with me! I'll be watching shit TV all winter long. Let's hope BB rises from the dead. Big Brother will get back to us? Stay tuned.

Ultimate Big Brother: You're like Bruce Forsyth

Watched some live feed when I got in and Victor is DESPERATE to win. So, so desperate. But I think he deserves it over Brian! He's putting in the spadework. he's plotting and scheming and analysing; he's a bigger fan than me and that's saying something! Nick alluded to having some mystery illness in the early hours which made me laugh. How can you believe anything he says? I remember that sword!
I'm getting deja vu with this following thing; zzz.
Sad Vanessa's gone, she was talking a lot of sense on live feed last night. I liked what she said about Nikki, that no matter what she did, she couldn't help just liking her. It was really sweet. And it's true, with some people you'll forgive them anything, because they just tickle your fancy. Some people just fit you. That's the way it is.
kinda sucks to see Davina in the house; she's been intolerable for years but her shine has really worn off now. Who cares what she thinks about anything when she thinks it's OK to make transphobic jokes about Nadia on BBBM? On BBBM, I watched the last one and the only good bit was where they showed a montage of all the best fights.
Davina is just false, false, false. They even denied us hearing Davina say 'fuck' because they put the Big Brother EVE show on at 8pm! What a crock. It's the final insult.
Davina tells Chantelle to stop crying and then says something guaranteed to upset her! Dur. Letters from home! I've never seen Chantelle awake on that live feed after 12. So she doesn't deserve to win.
I don't like Brian's grey jersey scarf much. He DOES look like Eammon. I'm over him, TBH.
Preston, you've done NOTHING! You're useless. At least you had a little pop at George Galloway before.
Aw to Nikki thinking Big Brother was uncancelled!
Michelle didn't look too pleased that her fiancee had organised the wedding, did she? Bring back Chicken Stu!
Ulrika has not left a big empty void; well, not since John Leslie's career. But at least that was something to thank her for.
LOVE NIKKI. I really hope she comes out top three. I'd love to see her and Victor in the final two.
My boyfriend is moaning about Davina going 'you're my favourite' to people and saying 'what's the point?' Well none of the housemates even so much as thanked her!
I don't like seeing Nasty Nick smile, it's wrong somehow. Especially with that mystery health problem, he'll do himself an injury.
Victor to Davina: 'you're like Bruce Forsyth'. Yes, in more ways than one. Victor is hitting on Davina! He was frinking on her on the live feed too.
I think I preferred it when she went in as a hen and got cornered.
There's no 'will they, won't they' with Chantelle and Preston. It's 'won't'.
This 'sex face' discussion is being sensitively handled by Brian.
Aw to Nikki's sad BB-ending rant. I know how she feels. Eleven years! I've gone from a teenage to being 30! WTF.
Ulrika's speech to Vanessa was about as warm-hearted as a cuddle from her would be.
Nasty Nick's got his dating in the dark jacket on! LOL.
Nikki unimpressed with Vanessa eviction! I never knew you could make a wish when you see a rainbow! I'm in debt by about 1000 rainbows. Nasty Nick killed the radio star! Nikki's bitter because she didn't see the rainbow. Preston didn't know about the rainbow either.
Preston didn't look too comfortable dancing to Take That. Victor seemed to know all the words though!
Why is Victor telling Chantelle Preston is into her when he said very directly earier he wasn't? Bit late to start shit-stirring now. Perhaps he knows it's a vote to save from here on in.
Didn't like it when Preston asked Chantelle if she was going to do an interview. Course she is!
Now the end is near. We must face the final curtain. Take my hand. Get the vodka in. It's going to be a LONG night.

Ultimate Big Brother: Bass hunted, Vanessa Felled

RESPECT that title! Behold it.
Interesting to hear Vanessa talking about having children! I've never heard someone talk positively about having children before. How weird to hear Chantelle say she's 'bored of independence'. That's so far from my own feelings about life it's untrue!
Victor is getting cold showers again! It'll be the return of the sniffles before you know it!
Nick wringing his hands in the diary room! He's like an even shiftier Ian Beale.
LET THE STRAIGHTENING TYRANNY END TONIGHT! EVICT BASS. I don't want Vanessa or Nick to go. But hey, it's only two days to go.
Oh, a tedious dancing task. Zzz. Where's Ashley Banjo? Oh, wrong troupe.
Nasty Nick's got the moves! Chantelle: not prepared to make a dick of herself.
I don't like the way Michelle Bass says 'task' and 'dance' like a Southerner now. Sell out! Ulrika: cringe! Nick was the best at that task!
Wow, Chantelle is an emotional cabbage! She cries more than me.
I like the expression 'cakewalk'. Don't tell Chantelle to turn her mic off!
I feel a bit short-changed by the length of UBB. Given another month in there and we could have seen Preston actually go for it out of desperation and Victor snap and Nikki go mental. Instead it feels like it's going to stop halfway through.
Nasty Nick had his own Daft Pink section! LOL. That Flawless guy looked like he was embarrassed throughout the whole thing; it's just a joke, mate. Don't take it too serious.
Wait til Preston comes out sees Chantelle weeping over him! I don't think she does even have feelings for him, it's just that situation is enough to send anyone mad.
Why is Ulrika being such a cunt over Preston's migraine? Does that cold bitch have one kind bone in her body?
I can't STAND PEOPLE who say ME-graine. Don't bankroll the dinner again, Ulrika, you fucking shrew. What's her beef?
I like the following Brian lols.
OMG Davina is talking to Derren! Sexy. EVICT HIM, HE'S A WITCH! BOO.
The audience are going 'uh uh' like they're at a Judge Jules set. I thought Nadia-gate was bad, but this is a new low. Surprised they are doing outside evictions.
Michelle looks like she's gone a bit mad for the dry shampoo. It's a bit of a Miss Haversham vibe. Well, Michelle didn't do much, but at least she proved she's changed. And that's something considering my perception of her before.
Did they force the crowd to cheer tonight? No one likes Bass that much.
No, Davina, that's not what disingenuous mean. Anyway.
I wish we could see Chicken Stu! He's fit. Total drip, but fit.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT! First OK magazine with Crab Eyes and Josie on the front, and then Davina's mucky old hair dye. Fruc tis. (That almost worked as a joke)
I think Vanessa will go. And so it was. Nikki's not happy!
Hey! What's wrong with you. I like Vanessa Feltz and I like Turnaround dude. They're a cute couple!
God, Ulrika! What a miserable, miserable cow. I can't stand that bitch.
Glad Nick stayed in a way. I think he needs it more.
OMG Vanessa got stage-dived. It's like Morrissey back in the day (before subspecies gate). Ooh, the boos are back.
Last ever Big Mouth? Aint there one on Friday? Pass the valium, I think we'll need it.
PS. In loving memory of who? Did that stage diver land on his head? (apologies)

Ultimate Big Brother: Not so slick man

Victor to win! Who else considers the E4 viewer? NO ONE. His and Nick's charade is cringeworthy, but it's better than watching people SLEEP.
I'm starting to think Preston is quite cruel for even going in there. I guess maybe he didn't know she'd be so affected. But now it's just uncomfortable. Ulrika: 'it's not for me to say.' STFU then.
It looks like it's a full time job straightening Michelle's hair. She's using TWO sets of straighteners! WTF. Hardcore.
Vanessa has such a genuine interest in people! I love the way she quizzes people.
Victor plus the tree equals mega devilment.
Nick is so creepy. Victor is tanking on this task. LOL to him waving the dictaphone round in disgust! He always delivers! Except now.
Oh, Nikki. What a sad story about her anorexia. How she ever passed the pysch test, I don't know. She is deeply damaged. Vanessa is nosy but caring. That was genuinely sad.
Victor- sex tape gate. His exes must be thrilled. Take your sunglasses off and put the tree costume on.
WTF are they making Victor wear, he looks like a giant turd. Oh, Victor, you buffoon.
KLOSH! It's Daft Pink! Victor was a sport in that task. Nikki wouldn't have knocked back that cow urine. Brian Dowling is not helping. It's like Come Dine With Me all over again.
Proposal talk! Chantelle had to hand that ring back! Wack. I wouldn't have given that prick the ring back. Can you imagine the moment she gave it back? Grim.
Oh god 'come see the dogs' was just heartbreaking.
Nick and Victor citing 'if it was America' and talking about 'the block'. I love it! BB USA rules.
Spin the bottle! Subtle. Ulrika and Nick! Deffo up for it. Love and hate- it's a fine line. At least Ulrika's game. That was fun!
Victor is getting out of his tree! It's a joke 'ting. Aw to Nick and Nikki love in.
Victor is taking creative control of his styling! Victor FTW.

Ultimate Big Brother: You do lie detector

Oops, missed the first few minutes due to BT Vision fail.
I don't like the 'fun' nominations! I want serious hardcore nominations! ARE Nasty Nick's phobias in that box? And what are they.
Victor's nominating Brian! Hehe! Love it. His rapping was ace. Ah, Chantelle too. he is running scared. Vanessa voted the same as Victor! Suspicious.
Vanessa shouldn't be eligible to be nominated!
What geeky movies does Preston like?
Ooh the votes are really split.
Chantelle needs to go back to rapping school. Argh, we still can't get rid of Ulrika! WTF.
I'd like Michelle to go out of her, Vanessa and Nick. Interesting Victor got no nominations! I love Victor! It would be so much better if he won than Chantelle or Brian again.
I love the way Vanessa goes on. What's Ulrika frowning at?
Victor and Nick must be fuming Vanessa is getting her own TV show segment!
Nikki's self-parodying! BB really is eating itself.
Preston looked twitchy when Chantelle started crying. It's probably not going to help his 'career' to be a heartbreaker.
Vanessa vs Ulrika! LOLs. I want to see tomorrow's edition of Feltz, it sounded good.
Preston's idea of 'making headway' is him going 'oh this is really great we get on' whilst Chantelle cries her eyes out ever ten minutes. I don't think he dares sit her down and talk to her because he's frightened of what she'll say.
Do they give you a free American Apparel hoodie as you walk in the BB house? Sam Pepper, crab eyes, Preston.
I like Nikki's flowery dress. Not really sure why anyone nominated Michelle. She's not so bad.
Although I'm really enjoying UBB there's not that much to blog about it. Only one more week of blogging BB. I need to download some music, quick!

Ultimate Big Brother: That's totally irrelevant

So Coolio WAS being transphobic. And they didn't show it. Revolting behaviour from Big Brother there. Vanessa on her previous Big Brother experience: 'I felt like Terry Waite.' Fantastic exaggeration!
WTF is going on with Michelle's unstraightened hair? She looks like a wilder beast. She's been left without Nadia and Makosi.
If Rex is in that house, he should be a proper housemate! I'd swap Ulrika for him.
Vanessa's chalk board moment wasn't the iconic milestone they think. It's really fucking boring.
It's sad to see Rex relegated to doing a task when Vanessa's in there yakking about her gastric band. ZZZ.
Did Ulrika just snog Rex? Still, who can blame her?
LOL to Preston getting squidged. I like Victor's wig!
Glad Brian can talk about his sexuality more honestly now, he was too scared years ago!
Not interested in Ulrika's boring marriages. This not what UBB should be about.
How can Chantelle never have heard of the Darkness?! Preston's indie teachings did not go far enough.
Brian looks dreadful in that rocker gear.
Victor is getting the Hira edit, which is unfair as Victor is king of the live feed.
They overspent by £200 on the shopping! That is showbiz!
I hope Vanessa and Ulrika go at it.
Bed gate! Oh, Nikki. I love Nikki! I like the Vanessa dealt with her with humour, unlike Ulrika who just gets pissy with her.
Where's BBLBC? Highlight fail.

Ultimate Big Brother: She doesn't dream about anyone.. except herself

Oh, Nadia. Not Davina's favourite housemate any more. The crowd last night were disgusting, it leaves a very bad taste in the mouth indeed.
I am still apoplectic that Ulrika is in that house. Mistake first time round. Just wilfully insulting the fans second time round.
Nikki is the only person in the PLANET who doesn't like the smell of bacon.
Aw to Pete and Nikki. He was the only one who could tame her! And he couldn't be bothered. I love Pete!
WHY ARE THEY SHOWING SO MUCH ULRIKA? What is their fucking agenda?
Nikki or Victor FTW.
I can't be asked with this Pie Jesu bullshit, it's boring. It sucked the first time round. It sucks double time now.
Bye Makosi. DISCARDED! Brian and Nikki's faces when Nadia went were a treat.
Victor: 'it's Ashleeen.' as Vanessa enters. Ashleen must be gutted!
Vanessa looks like Nikki's mum! They should have a gurning competition.
Victor is liking Vanessa because he doesn't see her as a threat. I LOVE VICTOR.
Vanessa got right in there asking the important questions! I like it.
I like seeing Ulrika looking a bit on the hop. Oh Vanessa and her gastric band. REX!

Ultimate Big Brother: Green doesn't show on TV

I'm away and still blogging! Dedicated.
Nikki can get away with acting like a brat because she has CHARM, Ulrika. You should try it.
Who's bum is wiggling against the shower! Outrageous.
Green doesn't show on TV! Can someone break that to Wimbledon viewers. Makosi is GOLD! Keep her in.
That 'Nadia's nuts' sign is transphobic.
UGH Antony Hutton makes me SICK. SEXIST PRICK. He must be gutted she's in UBB and he's not.
OMG that was the funniest conversation EVER in the garden. It was just fingers. 'I'm sorry about the mix up'!!! LOL! Makosi has honesty tourettes.
I liked it when Victor looked at the camera and laughed when Ulrika was getting aerated.
Ulrika vs Nadia. Here's the deal: they're BOTH CUNTS. I'm so not interested in this row. I wish they'd show Victor and Nick's antics instead.
Nadia is right though: Ulrika does not represent what the show is about. She's just taking the money and that's wrong.
Preston was loving the Kandy Floss task! Victor's gold trunks.
Ooh Victor in that flashback was proper aggressive. He's like a mellow old uncle now.
VANESSA FELTZ! I like Vanessa Feltz. I don't want her now though! I want Rex or Pete or Brian Belo! Not more celebrities. But if it had to be a celebrity, why not Pete Burns? Was ANYONE on the planet going 'oh I hope it's Vanessa feltz going in'. Except Turnaround dude, obv.
OMG just looked on Twitter and Rex was willing to go in and they didn't bother! WTF? Are they INSANE? REX! BELO! These are our UBBs not fucking Ulrika and Vanessa Feltz!
It's not that BB don't know their audience, it's that they know their audience, and don't give a FUCK about them. Disgraceful.
Show two. Aw it's Makosi. Well, she's redeemed herself in my eyes. I think she's a good housemate.
Did Nikki say about Nadia 'she's got her period'! Ouch.
Oh well, at least Makosi got a friendly interview with Davina this time. LOL Paul Mckenna is Jesus. Truth!
Nadia. It must be gutting to have won it and to get booted. It's gotta hurt. Nadia looks like she's got her nightie on. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ULRIKA.
It's not nice seeing this, actually. I feel a bit sorry for Nadia. It feels like when Jade was built up and knocked down.
That was quite horrible and emotionally damaging, I think.
Vanessa. No doubt she'll chum up with Ulrika and it will be really boring.
Sad show tonight and it should have been a good 'un. One week left. These are dark days.

Ultimate Big Brother: Endless Gub(bins)

Sozzles I didn't do a blog last night, I had a headache and it was beyond me! The only real thought I had last night was that there are ALL KINDS of body shapes in that house. And I mean all kinds, from Makosi's bosoms, to Ulkrika's arms.
Nice of Makosi to say 'gay people are just like me and you' to a TRANSSEXUAL. Fuck ME.
How is Brian 'playing on being gay'? Actually, don't answer that. He IS interviewing people, though.
Preston looks like his glasses should be sellotaped together. He can't remember what they used to argue about? Dangerous ground!
Ulrika and Verne doing that song was shit at the time, and will be even shitter without Verne's gravitas. My boyfriend said, 'I thought they were going to miniaturise Nick'. HEH! They should have got Ben in to play keyboards.
Who do Victor and Nick call 'the wasp'? Don't worry Big Brother will provide 'wasp-ease'. WTF is that?
The diary room chair from Makosi's chair RULED! Yeah Big Brother got that wasp to sting Makosi as part of a task! Idiots.
I kind of like Makosi this year, it's weird! I couldn't STAND HER before. I think she's really funny this year. The mobile phone thing was cool.
Ahmed! That made me LOL. What a terrible housemate he was! AWFUL! He probably enjoyed smashing that shit up. He looks exactly the same.
Ulrika: you look like a cadaver. I can't even appreciate her off the back of Shooting Stars; she's carried on that show too.
Victor is using the 'alliance' speak! Get him on BBUSA. Nasty Nick: 'they'll get together for 300K'. LOL. I'm glad Victor came in there and brought out the REAL NICK!
Why aren't they showing Nick and Vic's BBLBC show from the nest?! It is totally cringeworthy but they should still show a bit of it!
Nikki snoring rant! You can't 'take something' for snoring- well, maybe arsenic. She's rehashing 'i'm soooooo cold'. She needs to put a bit more effort in. I didn't agree when Nikki said she was a small fish. She OWNS them other housemates. She's first class.

Ultimate Big Brother: Not because of that reason

I watched some funny live feed earlier with Victor and Nasty Nick doing their own TV show from the nest, slagging off the other housemates (he said Michelle Bass was a spent force!). Probably won't make the highlights as nothing past midnight does. Victor was giving his verdict on everyone and everything, it was good. They also dipped the sound on a conversation that sounded very much like they were saying George Lamb had snogged Nadia! WTF.
Victor= pervert. Ulrika. Five million people aren't watching this. Makosi needs to give Ulrika some of her curves.
Victor looks like the Sith in that hooded cloak.
Makosi nommed Brian! Competition. I hope EUREKA does go. A coat hanger would have more pizazz.
Chantelle looks funny when she screams! Nikki looks funny when she gets a shock. I'm surprised she's not crying. Nick: 'Nadia doesn't do cooking.'
Looks like the Nikki/ Chantelle feud aint over.
Brian's puke was quite impressive.
Makosi's gloves! Fabulous. What you see is what you get (unfortunately).
Victor does not mince his words, does he! His attitude to almost everything is mind-boggling. But he's the funniest person in that house, by a mile.
Makosi is actually providing some quite good entertainment this year. She's mad as fuck.
Listening to Chantelle and Ulrika clucking about blokes is like listening to Loose Women.
Rimming! Makosi isn't respecting her country is she? It's like jacuzzi-gate all over again. WELL DONE ULRIKA. We could have heard something juicy then, instead we get your turkey neck flapping. It's ironic that someone who is hung out to dry as a floozy is such a fucking prude.
Makosi! Your mother doesn't want to hear about your rim job either!
Victor winding Makosi up was a treat.
Craig! Is he plotting a very dirty plan? He looks emaciated! They aint spending much on the tasks for UBB are they? Recycling those old tasks and putting up a shed? Come on now.
I thought they did quite well. They should let them keep the shed.
That trick was cruel! CRAIG HAS TURNED NASTY.
IS Brian going to win? I'm not so sure. I reckon Chantelle, Nikki or Victor might be in with a chance.
LOL to Nick and Victor slagging Ulrika! Outrageous. So glad Victor went in and brought Nasty Nick's bad side out.
Nadia- Preston's divorce is none of your business.
Double eviction! I hope Ukrika and Makosi go. Don't let me down.

Ultimate Big Brother: Another brother in here and you can't keep your knickers on

Oh Ulrika, button it. If you don't like it, go home because you provide zero entertainment. You're just sour. Blah blah you don't have children so it's different. YOU DID IT BEFORE you know what it's like. STFU.
As IF they are going to send Big Brother winner (by default) ANFONY in. They couldn't get that dull sexist tosser out fast enough. I wish Makosi WAS in political exile. Send Craig from that year in instead.
Preston has clearly written off his girlfriend. Chantelle, you should be happy. No, actually, you shouldn't because Preston treats his girlfriends like crap.
Even Brian is basically admitting the UBB housemates are a bit boring. Well, they're all getting on, you know. It's in no one's interests to really do something outrageous in there, is it? They're just doing their time and collecting the cash. It's still nice to have them, though.
Chantelle: 'Preston must be serious about his girlfriend as he has her name tattooed on him.' Well he MARRIED YOU, idiot. He hasn't got a clue what he wants. Oh Christ, poor Chantelle, closing her eyes on the M25. She should have seen a therapist, not a plastic surgeon. Nadia gave her good advice, but does Nadia take her own advice, I wonder?
I guessed Nadia would quit first too, she was always shit at tasks, especially ones to do with looks.
Nikki's 'big head' is good! Some of them are shit though.
Aw nice to see Michelle and Victor in there now. Oh Michelle told them what Victor said anyway. No bedsit loyalty!
Why is everyone scared of Victor?! He's cuddly! Brian is crawling a bit. I don't think Victor is going to be too bothered to be honest.
Preston faffs about what to wear because he's a pretentious idiot, Makosi. Getting relationship advice off her equals desperate times.
I'm glad Michelle is bitching, at least it's interesting! There's so many plastic breasts in that pool that there's no need for a lifeguard.
Nasty Nick getting the lowdown off Victor of what's been going on on the live feed! Love it. Victor discussing noms and slating Makosi! Pow.
Weird how Victor is chumming up with Nasty Nick when he was slating him for being boring on live feed. LOL to them plotting to oust Brian! Jungle prats.
Victor's diary room entry was good. He saw Nick's loins do WHAT?!
Slickman FTW.

Ultimate Big Brother: Be Aggressive... be-ee aggressive

(oops forgot to post this yesterday... mind you, it was rubbish!)
Oh Coolio, you creep. Why did you leave? I wonder if it will always remain a mystery. I smell a cover-up. Interesting they're showing it at 8pm tonight too; lots of bleeps hide the sense of the argument nicely.
LOL to Victor slagging off Preston's dress sense.
What got Nadia so aerated? Why didn't they show it? Something's amiss. Nadia is SO annoying, though. She really needs to relax.
'A series of incidents...' Hmm. WHAT AREN'T THEY SHOWING US?! Do they think we're idiots? He wasn't on BBLB today either. FISHY. Looks like they kicked him out to me.
Ukrika self-hating blonde. Boo.
Chantelle was the only one who looked the least bit bothered about Coolio going. Nadia was outright smirking.
I like the way Nikki operates when she wants something! We could all learn a lesson from her.
I love what Michelle and Victor are saying in the bedsit, it's the exact same thing that we say at home! Victor's one-liners are sharp!
Nadia's slave! It's the return of St(ale)! I thought we'd seen the back of this boring bastard long ago.
Brian: Can I dance? LOL. Although this show seems quite sedate in some ways I'm really enjoying it.
I think Victor was enjoying 'Womaniser' more than Brian. His slating of Preston is good.
I think Michelle is right: how you are 6 years ago is different. She definitely seems different.
Send Ziggy in! Ziggy was quality.
Hold on, how did Victor make Michelle cry? WTF. How sensitive is she! He's a pussycat! get them in the house and let's get on with fings.

Ultimate Big Brother: Prankster's paradise

Hmm, wouldn't you love to start the day by being perved over by Coolio? So glad he left the house today. Vile man.
URGH and john perving too! Gross. So glad they've both gone, disgusting excuses for men.
I see Makosi is referring to herself in the third person. Brilliant.
I like watching Nikki and Brian together. Those were more innocent times!
Something tells me it doesn't take much to bruise Makosi's ego. Shut up about the VT. A single bed cannot contain that ego. GIVE MAKOSI HER PHONE, you selfish arseholes. And a new wardrobe.
John's silent schtick is BORING. Chantelle has got poor taste in men.
Preston doesn't know how to spell his own name! Even Chantelle can spell it.
Nadia laughing at Nikki's strop. I think I'd laugh, too.
Too many egos in that house. Ulrika is starting to look normal.
Preston took her engagement ring back! He'd have to have sawed that bugger off my hand. He's got a fucking cheek.
Brian shouldn't put ideas in Chantelle's head like that. It's cruel.
I can't believe I forgot to comment on John's last last night. Nice of him and Coolio to coordinate outfits. Bristols, I'm coming to get you. Heh.
SO glad I don't have to listen to Coolio's bullshit anymore! He didn't deserve to be in there. He's a useless person,and a rubbish character. I'm betting he said something transphobic to Nadia.
Chantelle's dress sense is really weird now. She looks like a middle-aged housewife in Greece tonight.
Bye John. What a strange man he is. Bad childhood, I guess.
I like seeing Nadia getting riled, but Coolio is abhorrent.
Ahhhh SO good to have Victor back. He was really good on the live feed last night. He was saying he's still friends with Jason! Bananas.
I like the decor in the bedsit.
I don't mind Michelle either, she seems a lot better than she used to be.
Victor is a much better villain than Coolio because he's funny and likeable.
Is Ulrika crying over Mr Snuggles? Get a grip, love. Got something you want to tell us?

Ultimate Big Brother: Guess who's back?

BETTER NEVER THAN LATE! It's 2.42am. I won't do a tired cry. VICTOR IS GOING IN! Whoop! And Michelle Bass. No naked Jacuzziness.
NB. You could park a bike between Chanelle's boobs. I don't like John's pink baseball cap.
JOHN'S ON STRIKE. It's diet coke-gate again. Can you imagine living with this cunt?
So glad Josie left. Nothing is worth that mental stress.
NOMS. Weird to have nominations and evictions on the same night. PAUL MCKENNA GATE. What is Makosi wearing? Paul McKenna has cost her dear.
Why has Brian got that anorak on?
See Ulrika smirking when Josie bolted! GO JOSIE. I hope you enjoys those pincers.
Darren! Was he that camp in series 1? I feel like he was. They should have brought Craig in for this 'plotting a dirty plan' stuff.
2nd show. Sorry my blog is lacklustre. I'm drunk but on the way down.
Josie smelt crab in the garden!
Seems WAY too early for an eviction. Shame John went. He's better than Coolio although not by much. Get Coolio out next.
Oh well, at least he shook Makosi's faith in God. That's something at least.
Wow, 50.6% of the vote! That's close.
Yeah, bye John, whatevs.
Victor! The slick man. I remember him for making girls cry and weilding a knife! Oh and for having the sniffles after his cold showers. Isn't he an investment banker now? Glad to see Victor in there. Is he only 29? He seems like a relic. But he looks the same!
BASS. Bring Stu in for a task. I liked Stu. Not right the way they kicked him out the diary room door. He didn't deserve that. I DON'T FORGET.
Where's her Geordie accent gone? No love lost between her and Victor, I see.
Reviving the bedsit is a good idea. Victor is doing the doof doofs! Is the smoke alarm going off? It looks like Dot Cotton's house.
I like the 'other' diary room. Nikki would be the funniest to play a trick on. OMG Nikki is going to FREAK.
Nikki: 'it's Rex!' Yeah, all gingers are Rex. Where is Rex?!
Victor FTW. Recognise.

Ultimate Big Brother: The triumph of the heart

So Josie hit the road. And who can blame her? I honestly think it's mental torture to get someone out for 15 minutes and then shove them back in again with no one they know. And then calling it a PRIZE? Start the show on Friday when she'd got her head together. But no. They have to do it all in five minutes and fuck it up as usual. I would have run screaming for the hills immediately. The winner shouldn't have to walk. It's not right. I'd take crab eyes over it a million times over. I hope she enjoys her night with him, or month with him or whatever she gets. She's not stupid; she knows it's not forever. For all the people saying she's let the nation down, she hasn't. It's all Big Brother's fault. She's done herself a big favour. I am hoping to see her and crabby on the front of a magazine soon. She deserves her press, her BBLB and her BBBM. I saw her on BBLB today and you could tell George had a soft spot for her. Weirdly I am starting to like George Lamb in the past few days. How did THAT happen? He seems like he actually watches the show these days, which helps.
The one good thing about Josie going is we don't have to hear endless picking over BB11 all the time now, which was dull enough the first time round. NO MORE CRAB EYES! It feels like starting afresh.
Nadia is being a cunt! Does she not get how fragile Josie must be feeling? Nadia is either needlessly cruel or a fucking idiot. And the 'or' is generous.
NICK. Please say 'if you live by the sword, you die by the sword'. SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!
Imagine if you were Preston's girlfriend listening to them two reminiscing about who used to cook- fucking hell! I'd slit my wrists now and save myself the agony.
Coolio makes me feel PHYSICALLY SICK. He's got bunches today. Novel way to cover up a bald patch, though. Ooh, Makosi just called it.
How long before Makosi brings out her real personality? She's got the prison jumpsuit on, anyway.
Nikki has got OCD and then some.
Preston's girlfriend's out of the country! Convenient. God he was 23 when he got divorced! Shocking. Brian is giving him a good grilling.
Ulrika: 'the end of any marriage is sad.' You should know. Nosy fuckers aint they.
OMG what's up Nadia's arse? She is being a complete arsehole.
John is giving the speech NO ONE DARED GIVE TO DAVE! Hallelujah! That was amazing. Wouldn't it be brilliant if John McCrazy won it! Makosi looks livid! She had no comeback.
Ah, here comes Makosi! 'I'm so bored'. LOL. Her whole religious upbringing destroyed in a single speech. You're not in UBB because of the jacuzzi, you're in it because you're a PSYCHO.
Oh Kat. Please drop fucking dead. OMG GRACE. Please drop dead too. Please.
John. Please put your shirt on. Lisa. Please drop dead.
What happened to the glittering TV career Coolio was going to set up for Terry Christian in LA?
EW to John getting a quick screw on the side. Gross.
So nasty when they all rounded on Josie about John James. I hope John failed his task for that. I wish someone would stick up for her.
Oh God, then he made Chantelle cry! Fucking hell. John: 'I'll apologise if I have to'. Kind!
Mind you, didn't Chantelle bring it up in the first place? Also, what is she wearing? She looks like Michelle Obama. I miss her New Look look.
Why on earth did Chantelle sign herself up for this? It's like signing up to get kicked in the face!
Yeah John was so nice to people he made two girls cry!
Oh god, Coolio talks transgender issues. Brace yourself.
Nasty Nick counselling Josie by calling John James 'a small scar'. I could see Ulrika and Nasty Nick having it off.
WTF is John's problem? He's too much, he really is.
Oh God, poor Chantelle. Run, follow Josie out the door. This path can only lead to pain. That diary room entry was heartbreaking.
Oh God, now tears from Josie! This is the saddest BB ever. Josie put her finger on it when she said 'they all know more about me and John James than I do.' That's the killer isn't it? I'd go mad if people came in there telling me what to feel.
WTF is that hammock about? Who brought that fucker in?
At the end of this show, I wanted it to be longer. I haven't felt like that FOR THE WHOLE OF BB11! UBB FTW.

Ultimate Big Brother: The fire still burns!

Just piled through a bit of evil feed and this is what happened last night. Preston said he didn't like the shiny bed covers. Nikki banged her head. Ulrika told Josie her life story. John McDisgusting drank 2 cans of diet coke and ate some cheese at about 3.30am. No wonder he can't sleep! The at 4am Nadia got up and ate what looked like a pastry. Oh, no I think it was toast.
What must Preston and Chantelle's parents think seeing them together again? They must have all been through the mill a bit; divorce isn't easy even if the marriage lasted five minutes. If I was Preston's girlfriend I'd be worried. There's definitely something between them, I'm just not sure what. Intriguing!
Nadia: what the fuck is she wearing? About Makosi. Heh.
Uncoolio (or fast forward the live feed). John M giving Nikki a warning! LOL. Don't stand next to Nikki, Josie. I wouldn't. Even Chantelle looks like a giant by comparison.
I'm disappointed Big Brother isn't referring to Nick as 'Nasty Nick' over the tannoy.
Ooh Crab Eyes hate is starting! Nadia is being too harsh, give Josie a break. She doesn't need to hear that right now. That was needlessly blunt.
Ulrika mentioning Chris Rea. Is that the most modern artist she could think of?
Josie is smoking real fags at last! Did she get 'em out of her hundred K?
Nikki's face is a joy to watch, it's entertainment in itself!
Josie's head must be SPINNING! Can you imagine how overwhelming it is to be in that situation?
Nikki and John talk politics! It's like Question Time. I like Nikki's hair. She's just a one off.
Coolio is a sex pest. I hope he gets thrown out.
John McDietCoke is so revolting, but he is funny sometimes, which is annoying as he's so vile. Him in his pants is enough to make my vagina curl up and cover it's eyes.
Tree! I saw John on live feed being nice to Preston and I thought it was odd. Now I know why!
Chantelle is a sad figure with her 'all men cheat' mantra. It's not men, it's the way you've set your personality up to feel worthless, I'm afraid. You could have had it all before the boob job and the Jordan-over. Coolio is putting the moves on her! Why is she even sitting in there with him (in the owl's house)?
Nasty Nick better be plotting a devious plan to shake this shit up!
Chantelle: 'remember when you threw my book in the bath?' What sort of tyranny was she living under with Preston?! The animal!!!
Chantelle: 'is a misogynist the same as a feminist?' Not so much. Chantelle: 'he's got a girlfriend'. He had a girlfriend last time!!! Sounds like she's still interested to me. PS: It's not still your wedding anniversary once you've split up!
Josie has been on good form in tonight's show. I think she's been funny. It is a prison sentence for her!
Is Coolio having his own 'pow pow pow' moment?
LOL to John wearing a nappy. He's not going toilet, he's going to stuff his face and guzzle Diet Coke. Josie's claws are out!
There was a buzz about the show tonight. Looking forward to seeing Makosi's crisis of confidence tomorrow!

Big Brother 11: The Final/ Ultimate Big Brother

So I'm watching the start of this alone because my boyfriend is working and is not the slightest bit interested in watching JJ and Andrew get interviewed. I'm more of a purist, but will have to pause for him after an hour.
So who else thinks it's a mistake that they are doing the final and starting UBB on the same night? I mean, obviously the whole fucking show is mistake after mistake, but this seems a particularly duff one, especially considering Josie is going to be Prom Queen. I mean, she's barely going to get to see her mum, let alone 'smooth John James over'. I also think this show should be split into two shows, to make the distinction more apparent.
As for the UBB line up, I've heard it's shit. Saw Brian Belo on Studio 5 saying he's not going in but I think it's flim flam as he's been protesting too much. I mean he'd do it, and people love him. It makes no sense. Plus he said something about celebs being in 'hiding'- I don't think they've bothered with that shit for time.
What I'm hoping is, all the stuff about Ashleeeeeen etc not going in is bullshit to throw us off the scent. That's what I'm HOPING. (My only mistake is I'm hoping...) as Morrissey once said.
Weird they're not stringing out the voting lines either. They've really shit on this show this year. Normally you can change the result by voting late, ie. if you vote on the final two.
Boring just waiting for Josie to win. I've just voted for Mario. Do we have to hear about Dave and his boring daughter again?
WTF Dave has been dating his daughter? Oh God, I've heard it all now. 'I am not a watermelon'. Well done, she's going to get bullied at school even more than she was already.
Why DID John James come into the house with a photo of himself?
Josie negotiating a watermelon! LOL.
I used to like the old BB finals when there was about three of them in there knocking round like ghouls.
Andrew's face about Josie's speech. Oh, bless him.
Oh God, Don't Stop Believing! I was hearing that in bed last night, praying for deafness.
LOL to JJ's dancing! What a prick! I love the way Josie doesn't give a shit. She really embraces life and is so kind to everyone.
The did heart hands! My friend makes people do those.
Ex housemates! OMG Ben looks so cool in that red coat. Ben FTW. Oh. The less said about Ife's singing career the better. Shabby and Keever looked like a couple. Keever's hair looked good red.
Love the fact Ben and Sam were the only housemates who came out on his own.
Ugh Nathan. Like Rachael's red lipstick.
I like the fact John James picked up that girl's bra she threw at him!
Aw Dermot. We didn't know how good we had it. And even then it was shit.
OK, here we go, 5th place. Is that Dave's best shirt? Aw Andrew. It should have been JJ. I like Andrew's cardie. He looks so happy! You can't wipe that smile off his face.
Andrew's best bits were good. I like Andrew. He's just dull. The watermelon was the lols though. Did you have sexual relations with that watermelon?
Giant John James looming over Andrew whilst he talks. Scary. Andrew: 'I'm 100% geek.'
4th. It's gotta be JJ right? Ah it is. Good.
OMG JJ going out with sunglasses on. What a prize cunt. Behold his tartan waistcoat. What a ginormous cock. He looks like he's ram-raided Topman.
JJ: 'there's so many things that I did'. No, you did fuck all. You're no dark horse. You're a fucking DONKEY.
He's so boring looking he turns my stomach, it's like someone's painted a face on a rotting egg.
Get your tongue out of John James's rectum, you turkey. The public hate him, and they can barely be bothered to raise their eyes to the screen for your insipid bullshit.
When Corin was saying he was 'fit' I think she met 'thick'.
And now I'm going to pause it and wait for my boyfriend so bye Digital Spy and Twitter. I guess whos' second and who's third is the only shock really, so I'm going to wait and share it!
OK I'm back! OMG how did Dave beat Mario. OMG Mario's COAT. What is he thinking? It looks like he's had a horticultural mishap. I've never seen Mario look more gay. if his family didn't get the message by now, here's the living sign.
Dave getting to the final two reminds me of when that orange wanker Jungle Cat Jason was in the final two. Just wrong, wrong, wrong. I will never understand either decision as long as I live.
Mario's teeth look ENORMOUS tonight, like he's battling with Davina. Mario wins.
Mario seems nervous! The mole done good. He definitely slumped badly for 80% of the show though.
Mario's clips: yes, you're a creep. Davina did not ask him ONE QUESTION about being the mole. Jesus that was Mario's one storyline. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!
Oh god, the thought of Dave coming out going on about the glory and being smug is just horrific.
I like the big screen behind them, it's good to see the reactions.
Whatan anti-climactic ending. Josie didn't look very shocked to win. I love seeing the shocked faces the best. Except Dave's shocked face. She seemed completely non-plussed! Shocking.
ARGH I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO GET BOOED FOR TWO MONTHS. This is cruel. Why are they cheering him? It's like a knife through my heart.
I want to see Josie in the house on her own on the big screen now. I like that moment. Deprived again!
I'm surprised Dave aint wearing his green t-shirt on, he's got his finest TK Maxx on instead.
Well done loonies, you have given us a homphobic, sexist, werewolf-loving, dinosaur-denying fat Welsh bible-bashing TWAT for a runner up. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
Look at Dave before and after! Before: a cunt! After: a cunt!
The reason Josie got 77% of the vote is because YOU CLOSED THE PHONE LINES after ten minutes.
Josie needs a stylist, quick! Spend that 100K on new dresses! Why is she snuffling up those steps. I like the fact she came out holding a paper bag! Class.
Ah, look how HAPPY John James looks! I think I saw a tear in that crab eye! NOT! HE LOOKED MISERABLE AS SIN! Keever had a face like thunder, too.
Aw Josie's gonna pay for Steve's leg! Lush.
First in, last out. I've seen it so many times. Good on her, you know. I like her. I just feel non-plussed by the whole charade.
Ah, show wrap-up. Sob. NEXT!
Ok let's see who they've got lined up for us. Josie's first back in! That wasn't much of a break. She probably wants to go out and have a party. Did she even get to see her mum! Fuck me. She's straight into the booze.
Ok, who's in? Oh god, Chantelle. I miss her blonde hair and green eyeshadow and orange lipstick. She looks really weird now, like a dowdy old housewife with her bun and gigantic boobs. I hope I can grow to like her again. Ooh, she looks blonder. I think she'll get on with Josie.
Preston! Are they going to get back together? Twice in a lifetime opportunity! Does Preston need this? Is he going to start telling her what to wear again? He's got MOZ HAIR complete with receeding hairline. Where's Galloway?
Preston to Chantelle: 'do you come here often?' Chantelle: 'you look so much shorter'. How weird to go somewhere where you met and fell in love with your ex wife! Chantelle looked freaked out.
I could live without Nadia to be honest. She was only good because of her secret; she doesn't have a secret now. Nadia's dress isn't very flattering! She looks fat, bless her.
Nadia; 'welcome to the family.' That was nice. This is making me feel sick with nerves!
Brain Dowling! He's also fat. But I like him. Not sure he's got the Jim Davidson vote. LOL Nasty Nick said he looked like Eammon Holmes! Good insult.
OMG! ULRIKA! It's like Dave already again! Can't we get rid of that money grabbing bitch? She offered NOTHING to that show. How she won was completely beyond me. I used to like her before she was in Big Brother. This is the first bad person in there. Her hair looks nice though.
Oh god, and from the shit to the offensive. I can't fucking STAND MAKOSI. I don't ever want to see that person again. EVER! PS: revolting dress. I foresee fights with Preston.
John McCruick helpfully just spelt out his name for me. I can't stand him either, obviously. DIET COKE. Don't collude with that Booby business, Davina. Honestly, I feel sick. What trousers has he got on?
Can we have someone good again now? Please? COOLIO! Are you kidding me? HE WAS USELESS.
Where the fuck is Ashleeeeen, Rex, Victor, Brian Belo, Samanda, Marcus, Freddie, Pete.. I could go on. At least
Nikki! Thank fuck. At least she's a real housemate. I like Nikki, she's funny. Her sister came to my writing group once and spoke just like her, and I peeked at the register and it was N. Grahame. LOL.
God, look how small she is, she's like a doll. Bring on the strops.
Nasty nick! How many times have you seen that Nasty Nick clip? I think I've seen it 45875485749387 times. What is Nasty Nick wearing? I hope everyone addresses him as Nasty Nick in the house. Me and my friend Nic used to have a Nasty Nick SHRINE! Oh those were the days. Was that 11 years ago? Yikes.
My boyfriend is saying the line up could have been worse, but how? I'd have rather seen Michelle Bass than Coolio and you can bet your life she'd have been cheaper.
They never have known what the public want. Shame.
PS. Just flicked onto BBBM. At least they didn't put Dane Bowers in.

Big Brother (not) 8: Who IS she?

Well, I've just come in and am watching BB but there's little to say about it. Except, why were Chziggy in bed together? It really annoys me the way the show is edited these days, they can't string a storyline together. Seeing the make up would have been nice. That shower scene was a bit raunchy. I'm glad they are back together, despite my Ziggy hate. I'm an old romantic at heart. Aw.
And are they trying to save Nicky by making her funny? I'd literally never heard her laugh before and everyone's incredulous faces were quality. She glows when she smiles. But she's still a cunt sock. The Gerry Grease thing was funny though. And Charley and Liam... interesting!
But enough about that: I have my own BB related tale to tell you...
Tonight I was running the writing group. So far, so boring. Yet there was a girl there who seemed strangely familiar. At first I thought she reminded me of my friend Mel. Then there was something about the way she looked and her voice. Then it dawned on me, this girl looked just like Nikki from BB7. I snuck a look at the register where people sign their name, and there it was. She was NIKKI'S sister!!! I won't say her name because she's entitled to her privacy despite falling into my blogging lair by accident.
I spent the rest of the evening staring incredulously as her commenting on people's writing. How strange was that? She was so similar to Nikki, slight build, long blonde hair, same mannerisms, kind of fidgety and pouty (but with glasses). I loved hearing her talk. Nikki had the best voice ever and made me laugh my arse off. Who would have thought Nikki's sister was an intellectual?
No one else recognised her (because they are intellectuals too, except me). I really wanted her to come to the pub after but she left quite sharpish. I would have probably said something to her, I'd have to really wouldn't I! Hopefully she wouldn't be too embarrassed if I did. I hope she comes next week, she seemed really nice. She took a copy of our anthology with her so who knows, Nikki could be reading my poetry as we speak! And if that aint surreal, I don't know what is...