Ooh a little tipsy so forgive me for my bad spelling/ misguided loyalties.
Steve is a dullard! He doesn't interest me in the slightest. Shabby is such a dickwad. I hate the fact she thinks she's popular. She's as popular as herpes. She is so Milton Keynes. A boring cunt trying to be different.
Steve's computer knee is on the blink. He needs to charge it up! Try Duracell.
Josie: 'you've got a lot of respect for women'. to John James. Riiiiiight.
Nathan's one line for tonight: 'I'll sleep with anyone, me.'
VUVUZELA. If you like the world cup, I hate you.
Ben needs to watch himself, he's rubbing the laydeez up the wrong way. Sunshine is being a little rat. Po-faced. Ben's apology was completely disingenuous. But I don't blame him. I wish Sunshine OR Shabby had gone over Rachael.
Aw, poor John James, he's so pig thick he thinks Ben and Sunshine are geniuses.
Did Shabby just say you can't experience real emotions in the real world, just in the Big Brother house?
Is Ben really straightening that mop? I can't wait to see what it looks like after a few weeks, especially now they've kicked out the one hairdresser in there. (If he doesn't get the booty)
Rachael didn't get badly booed. Get someone out! Bullshit. Why would anyone chant that? Come on! Sunshine aint that dense.
Mario's shirt is cool! God, Sunshine demands SO much attention. It's desperate.
Can Corin get any brighter? She's virtually glowing.
Wow, tonight was a really boring episode. And I was drunk.
Showing posts with label Davina. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Davina. Show all posts
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Friday, 18 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Psst! Eviction (Like blogging a shipwreck)
The BB house looks good all lit up like that. Why do we have to have a constant recap? It's like we've got collective amnesia. I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ONE WEEK AGO. Thanks BB.
The most vicious animal on the planet is a shetland pony! I think I'll take my chances with that over a grizzly bear. Hermaphrodite hens! Horses watching TV! Josie is like Chris Packham with a tan. She just made me laugh three times in a row. Not bad.
25 minutes in and there's been THREE adverts. Stop telling me what's coming up and just let me watch something, FFS.
I'd like to chuck rubbish over John James. It's PATHETIC that Racheal still fancies him after the way he's behaved towards her. She must have serious daddy issues.
Ife is a thicko! I bet John James knows all about Skippy the bush kangaroo, the dag.
This is the fourth advert in 34 minutes. There's been an advert every six minutes. Glad I'm not watching live.
John always seems to pick on Fiancee when she's washing her hair or just gone to bed, so she looks a bit minky. WHY IS HE SHOUTING AT HER ALL THE TIME! God, I'd certainly like to date John James and be verbally abused by him. What a catch! I notice they only show her crying after the phonelines close.
Why won't someone stand up to him? Why won't someone say 'you're not being fair'? How can anyone's tactic be to fence-sit in there? The heroes of the house are always the ones who stand up for what's right. Have they never watched this show? Big Brother, give him some stick! He's LIVID! What is his problem? She hasn't actually done anything! Even if she was doing 'the look' 24/7 she wouldn't deserve that. BB should be telling him off a lot more, not pandering to his twaddle.
I like Corin. Her lies were all bizarre. Colonic irrigation! All her lies are just variations on a theme, but they're cute.
I'm really torn on who I want evicted. I'd like to see more of all of them, really. I guess Shabby is the ideal, as she's fairly 2 dimensional. If Rachael goes, John James will feel vindicated. But there's definitely some mileage in Sunshine yet.
Haha, how could Corin be pregnant, isn't she a lesbian! That's a great lie. Respect to her.
I like Rachael's hair frizzy, it looks nice. That was the quickest make-up hug in history. I think she's some sort of masochist.
My boyfriend is hating on BB! Boooooooooooo! He said it's like blogging a shipwreck. Sob.
Ooh they are letting them hear the baying crowd again! They aren't chanting 'get someone out' you idiots, they were chanting 'get SUNSHINE out'! Aw, poor Racheal. She didn't really deserve that, especially since she wasn't even up for nomination this week. She didn't even get booed, or was the music just covering up the boos?
Rachael looks lovely with straight hair.
That VT was harsh! They shouldn't have shown him saying he fucking hated her, it was cruel.
Ooh, it's like BB USA with the goodbye messages! The one from John James must stick in the craw.
WTF is this end bit all about?! Making them listen to messageboard comments about them! This is as bad as when they had the 'panel' discussing them! Someone rang up and moaned about Rachael's skimpy clothing upsetting her grandchildren! ALL those comments were nasty. Haters, women haters of all varieties! Divine. Scrap that section, please. I don't want to hear from the great British arseholes.
Racheal was dignified to the end. I would have stuck it to John James old skool style.
Bye Rachael. I guess it's straight down to Nuts. Sigh.
The most vicious animal on the planet is a shetland pony! I think I'll take my chances with that over a grizzly bear. Hermaphrodite hens! Horses watching TV! Josie is like Chris Packham with a tan. She just made me laugh three times in a row. Not bad.
25 minutes in and there's been THREE adverts. Stop telling me what's coming up and just let me watch something, FFS.
I'd like to chuck rubbish over John James. It's PATHETIC that Racheal still fancies him after the way he's behaved towards her. She must have serious daddy issues.
Ife is a thicko! I bet John James knows all about Skippy the bush kangaroo, the dag.
This is the fourth advert in 34 minutes. There's been an advert every six minutes. Glad I'm not watching live.
John always seems to pick on Fiancee when she's washing her hair or just gone to bed, so she looks a bit minky. WHY IS HE SHOUTING AT HER ALL THE TIME! God, I'd certainly like to date John James and be verbally abused by him. What a catch! I notice they only show her crying after the phonelines close.
Why won't someone stand up to him? Why won't someone say 'you're not being fair'? How can anyone's tactic be to fence-sit in there? The heroes of the house are always the ones who stand up for what's right. Have they never watched this show? Big Brother, give him some stick! He's LIVID! What is his problem? She hasn't actually done anything! Even if she was doing 'the look' 24/7 she wouldn't deserve that. BB should be telling him off a lot more, not pandering to his twaddle.
I like Corin. Her lies were all bizarre. Colonic irrigation! All her lies are just variations on a theme, but they're cute.
I'm really torn on who I want evicted. I'd like to see more of all of them, really. I guess Shabby is the ideal, as she's fairly 2 dimensional. If Rachael goes, John James will feel vindicated. But there's definitely some mileage in Sunshine yet.
Haha, how could Corin be pregnant, isn't she a lesbian! That's a great lie. Respect to her.
I like Rachael's hair frizzy, it looks nice. That was the quickest make-up hug in history. I think she's some sort of masochist.
My boyfriend is hating on BB! Boooooooooooo! He said it's like blogging a shipwreck. Sob.
Ooh they are letting them hear the baying crowd again! They aren't chanting 'get someone out' you idiots, they were chanting 'get SUNSHINE out'! Aw, poor Racheal. She didn't really deserve that, especially since she wasn't even up for nomination this week. She didn't even get booed, or was the music just covering up the boos?
Rachael looks lovely with straight hair.
That VT was harsh! They shouldn't have shown him saying he fucking hated her, it was cruel.
Ooh, it's like BB USA with the goodbye messages! The one from John James must stick in the craw.
WTF is this end bit all about?! Making them listen to messageboard comments about them! This is as bad as when they had the 'panel' discussing them! Someone rang up and moaned about Rachael's skimpy clothing upsetting her grandchildren! ALL those comments were nasty. Haters, women haters of all varieties! Divine. Scrap that section, please. I don't want to hear from the great British arseholes.
Racheal was dignified to the end. I would have stuck it to John James old skool style.
Bye Rachael. I guess it's straight down to Nuts. Sigh.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Big Brother 11: You got the look
Had a little sift through the live feed last night and fast forwarded any time Govan or Shabby was on. It works fairly well. I wish Mario, Ben, Sunshine, Nathan, Steve and Dave stayed up a bit later. Keever and Ife's conversational topics are somewhat lightweight.
John James has got ripped jeans on. They're probably fashionable in Australia. God, the look, the look, the look! STFU. If you don't like me, don't look at me. Personally, I'd rather have gum on my shoes than John James in my house. 'At the end of the day.. I don't really care. She's ugly.' Classic schoolboy bullying tactics. Why does John James fancy Corin? He must be used to those leathery faces because of all the sunshine down under, mate. She looks like the scrapings off of David Dickinson's vanity table.
LAMINATOR. Begone. John James gave him a look like he was a piece of shit. Oh, he is.
Eww, Rachael being so vile to Ben. Ben is worth 75 of her. It's sad seeing Mario pawing at Ben and Ben pawing at Rachael. Mcdaddy swerve-on! Ben just pretended not to notice the implications of that conversation. Saved by the bogey.
Sunshine looks kinda cute today. Her lipstick is good. I think I'm in love with Ben a bit. He's got a very strange face but he's just so dignified. Marylebone indeed.
Racheal (sorry, FIANCEE) DOES actually have that look on her face all the time, like she's above it all. But even so. You'd have thought she'd murdered Stefan Dennis and hung him off the Sydney Harbour bridge the way John James is going on.
Why don't they ever show Steve or Nathan?! It's rubbish. I probably don't like them, but I'd like some more evidence to go on.
Oh god, not eating tasks. BB is meant to be the trendsetter of reality shows; not leeching off stale I'm a Celebrity ideas.
Josie is kind of cool, I think she's slowly turning into a class act. She never gets involved in the bitching. I think she's cute, too. It's not her fault she's pear-shaped. Her being sick in that bucket was funny (especially after I just called her classy).
Fiancee; you've got zero chance of changing John's opinion of you. Plus, why fancy someone just because they are good looking? His personality is loathsome.
WHAT ABOUT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE JOHN JAMES YOU REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY OF A MAN?
You should be glad he leaves the room when you walk in, Rachael. He's a nasty, poisonous bastard. I'd go up to him and tell him to go fuck himself.
That sucks when you're slagging someone off who's in the same room. We've all done it.
Shabby in Nuts with her tits out! Let's guess the headline. 'Not too Shabby?' Lordy. How DARE John James get angry about that, it's none of his fucking business. He is unnerving, he should be on a warning. He puts me on edge.
Good on Corin for speaking out. Don't fucking apologise to him. Shabby: 'I hope someone's speaking out';- why don't you go and fucking speak out? It could save your contrived little arse.
It's a bit rich John James telling people how to make money when he's living off a fucking inheritance. It's none of his business what reason people are in there for, what they do to make money, what they do with their own bodies. Have you ever seen John James have a go at a man in the house? Noooooo! Just the women! Woman-hating misogynistic cunt. Why is he so angry at everything? Did he get his ickle heart broken once? Boo hoo! Tosser. He doesn't want a blowjob in case it degrades you, he'd prefer you slit your wrists to get away from his instead.
Come on Nathan! Get your one line in: 'you've got feelings and stuff'. Brilliant.
Uh oh! Ben- all boys together! The fumble cats. Washer women indeed! Don't back someone up just because he's got a penis. OMG sexism united. And lesbianist too. Feminism is not a dirty word! They were just standing up for their friends. He called Shabby volatile- what does he think John James is? Timid? Mario trying to turn Ben gay at the end of that conversation was funny; it just might work after several weeks. I still love Ben, only slightly less than I used to.
John James: 'guys are different, they just don't bitch.' ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! *speechless*
There's so many people in the wrong here, I barely know where to start. Evict them ALL!
John James has got ripped jeans on. They're probably fashionable in Australia. God, the look, the look, the look! STFU. If you don't like me, don't look at me. Personally, I'd rather have gum on my shoes than John James in my house. 'At the end of the day.. I don't really care. She's ugly.' Classic schoolboy bullying tactics. Why does John James fancy Corin? He must be used to those leathery faces because of all the sunshine down under, mate. She looks like the scrapings off of David Dickinson's vanity table.
LAMINATOR. Begone. John James gave him a look like he was a piece of shit. Oh, he is.
Eww, Rachael being so vile to Ben. Ben is worth 75 of her. It's sad seeing Mario pawing at Ben and Ben pawing at Rachael. Mcdaddy swerve-on! Ben just pretended not to notice the implications of that conversation. Saved by the bogey.
Sunshine looks kinda cute today. Her lipstick is good. I think I'm in love with Ben a bit. He's got a very strange face but he's just so dignified. Marylebone indeed.
Racheal (sorry, FIANCEE) DOES actually have that look on her face all the time, like she's above it all. But even so. You'd have thought she'd murdered Stefan Dennis and hung him off the Sydney Harbour bridge the way John James is going on.
Why don't they ever show Steve or Nathan?! It's rubbish. I probably don't like them, but I'd like some more evidence to go on.
Oh god, not eating tasks. BB is meant to be the trendsetter of reality shows; not leeching off stale I'm a Celebrity ideas.
Josie is kind of cool, I think she's slowly turning into a class act. She never gets involved in the bitching. I think she's cute, too. It's not her fault she's pear-shaped. Her being sick in that bucket was funny (especially after I just called her classy).
Fiancee; you've got zero chance of changing John's opinion of you. Plus, why fancy someone just because they are good looking? His personality is loathsome.
WHAT ABOUT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE JOHN JAMES YOU REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY OF A MAN?
You should be glad he leaves the room when you walk in, Rachael. He's a nasty, poisonous bastard. I'd go up to him and tell him to go fuck himself.
That sucks when you're slagging someone off who's in the same room. We've all done it.
Shabby in Nuts with her tits out! Let's guess the headline. 'Not too Shabby?' Lordy. How DARE John James get angry about that, it's none of his fucking business. He is unnerving, he should be on a warning. He puts me on edge.
Good on Corin for speaking out. Don't fucking apologise to him. Shabby: 'I hope someone's speaking out';- why don't you go and fucking speak out? It could save your contrived little arse.
It's a bit rich John James telling people how to make money when he's living off a fucking inheritance. It's none of his business what reason people are in there for, what they do to make money, what they do with their own bodies. Have you ever seen John James have a go at a man in the house? Noooooo! Just the women! Woman-hating misogynistic cunt. Why is he so angry at everything? Did he get his ickle heart broken once? Boo hoo! Tosser. He doesn't want a blowjob in case it degrades you, he'd prefer you slit your wrists to get away from his instead.
Come on Nathan! Get your one line in: 'you've got feelings and stuff'. Brilliant.
Uh oh! Ben- all boys together! The fumble cats. Washer women indeed! Don't back someone up just because he's got a penis. OMG sexism united. And lesbianist too. Feminism is not a dirty word! They were just standing up for their friends. He called Shabby volatile- what does he think John James is? Timid? Mario trying to turn Ben gay at the end of that conversation was funny; it just might work after several weeks. I still love Ben, only slightly less than I used to.
John James: 'guys are different, they just don't bitch.' ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! *speechless*
There's so many people in the wrong here, I barely know where to start. Evict them ALL!
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Big Brother 11: First blood
I saw them get called for nominations on the live feed and Shabby actually cheered. Let's see if she'll be cheering afterwards (clue: she won't).
Mario is in the closet. Bless. Corin does look sun-damaged (ie. 40). She seems quite nice, though.
Verruca talk! Are they trying to evoke the spirit of Jade? Sunshine isn't exactly going to have the streets lined with chavs when she drops dead. I don't think David Cameron would give a word of appreciation either.
Sunshine is really abrupt! Can't she take a joke? She's so fucking po-faced, dreary, joyless. Woah, check out Ben's hair. That is a fantastic comb-over. It reminds me of Rex's ice-cream do. STOP WHINING, SUNSHINE.
I watched a bunch of live feed today as I was off work and it was just hours and hours of Govan shit-stirring. I really don't want to hear his voice any more. Big Brother should tape up his gob for a task. I do agree with him that Sunshine acts hard done by. Still, I think I'd rather be stuck in a lift with Sunshine than him.
I see Big Brother is giving them the washing tablets I've got; £1.25 from Somerfield. Score.
I seriously think John James fancies Josie. He goes a bit coy around her. I think she thinks he's out of her league.
Govan spouts bullshit at about 15 words per second. I'm just mentally switching off now.
Mario wringing his hands whilst perving over Ben is slightly disturbing. Nathan just said his one line per show.
Dave; oh dear oh dear. If your opinion is against same sex marriage, then fucking spit out what your problem is. Don't backtrack and shy away saying it's controversial whilst sitting next to Mario. Arsehole. You've got about as much chance of winning this as I have.
Nominations! At last. Finally we get to see where the loyalties lie. Ben's cake shorts rule, btw. Ooh, they are counting the nominations for us. Normally I have to try and work it out. It's like Deal or No Deal when they put up the past offers. I don't blame Ben for nomming Sunshine over Verruca Gate #2. Keever's nominations seemed pretty agreeable. Corin's voice made me glad she's generally not getting shown. I'm surprised Dave didn't nominate Mario for being a fag.
Ife nominating Steve; a waste of a vote. But why did she vote him? She was being coy. I reckon she don't want to look at his metal legs no more.
John James either HATES Fiancee or is in love with her, he was sticking it to her so bad last night. He's got some serious issues with women.
Josie nominated Dave for being a homophobe. Good. I like Josie more lately.
Nathan nominated Ben! Classist. I'm not surprised he doesn't give a shit about you, you look like a (half) shaved chimp.
Wow, these nominations are endless. Shabby is wack. Whack. Wack. Whatever. Shabby, man, she's such an urchin. She blows my mind with her maverick ways. LOL to Steve calling her fake. Correct.
I wonder who will go home this week? I think it might be Shabby. I could imagine her inspiring more motivation in voters than Sunshine.
Onion gate. It really does makes me want to cry. Ben discussing 'dobbing' was hilarious. The way he talks is so great.
Govan: 'can I just finish?' NO! STFU! Vicky Pollard on speed is not an acceptable role model. He's such a prink. He gets off on confrontation. When John James started bitching about Fiancee on the live feed, Govan was virtually jumping up and down with joy. Wrong 'un. Please stop giving him such a long edit, he's really off-putting.
Argh look at Sunshine's FACE. Listen to her voice! WHINE WHINE WHINE. SHUT UP.
Ah, here's the short version of what I saw. John hates Fiancee because she's not into him! Simple. She wouldn't inspire so much rage otherwise. He's deeply misogynistic. I'm scared Josie is going to end up with her heart broken.
OK, here's my plan: let's take Govan and Sunshine down to the river, tape them together, put them in a bag, and see if they float. They don't? Whoops.
Mario is in the closet. Bless. Corin does look sun-damaged (ie. 40). She seems quite nice, though.
Verruca talk! Are they trying to evoke the spirit of Jade? Sunshine isn't exactly going to have the streets lined with chavs when she drops dead. I don't think David Cameron would give a word of appreciation either.
Sunshine is really abrupt! Can't she take a joke? She's so fucking po-faced, dreary, joyless. Woah, check out Ben's hair. That is a fantastic comb-over. It reminds me of Rex's ice-cream do. STOP WHINING, SUNSHINE.
I watched a bunch of live feed today as I was off work and it was just hours and hours of Govan shit-stirring. I really don't want to hear his voice any more. Big Brother should tape up his gob for a task. I do agree with him that Sunshine acts hard done by. Still, I think I'd rather be stuck in a lift with Sunshine than him.
I see Big Brother is giving them the washing tablets I've got; £1.25 from Somerfield. Score.
I seriously think John James fancies Josie. He goes a bit coy around her. I think she thinks he's out of her league.
Govan spouts bullshit at about 15 words per second. I'm just mentally switching off now.
Mario wringing his hands whilst perving over Ben is slightly disturbing. Nathan just said his one line per show.
Dave; oh dear oh dear. If your opinion is against same sex marriage, then fucking spit out what your problem is. Don't backtrack and shy away saying it's controversial whilst sitting next to Mario. Arsehole. You've got about as much chance of winning this as I have.
Nominations! At last. Finally we get to see where the loyalties lie. Ben's cake shorts rule, btw. Ooh, they are counting the nominations for us. Normally I have to try and work it out. It's like Deal or No Deal when they put up the past offers. I don't blame Ben for nomming Sunshine over Verruca Gate #2. Keever's nominations seemed pretty agreeable. Corin's voice made me glad she's generally not getting shown. I'm surprised Dave didn't nominate Mario for being a fag.
Ife nominating Steve; a waste of a vote. But why did she vote him? She was being coy. I reckon she don't want to look at his metal legs no more.
John James either HATES Fiancee or is in love with her, he was sticking it to her so bad last night. He's got some serious issues with women.
Josie nominated Dave for being a homophobe. Good. I like Josie more lately.
Nathan nominated Ben! Classist. I'm not surprised he doesn't give a shit about you, you look like a (half) shaved chimp.
Wow, these nominations are endless. Shabby is wack. Whack. Wack. Whatever. Shabby, man, she's such an urchin. She blows my mind with her maverick ways. LOL to Steve calling her fake. Correct.
I wonder who will go home this week? I think it might be Shabby. I could imagine her inspiring more motivation in voters than Sunshine.
Onion gate. It really does makes me want to cry. Ben discussing 'dobbing' was hilarious. The way he talks is so great.
Govan: 'can I just finish?' NO! STFU! Vicky Pollard on speed is not an acceptable role model. He's such a prink. He gets off on confrontation. When John James started bitching about Fiancee on the live feed, Govan was virtually jumping up and down with joy. Wrong 'un. Please stop giving him such a long edit, he's really off-putting.
Argh look at Sunshine's FACE. Listen to her voice! WHINE WHINE WHINE. SHUT UP.
Ah, here's the short version of what I saw. John hates Fiancee because she's not into him! Simple. She wouldn't inspire so much rage otherwise. He's deeply misogynistic. I'm scared Josie is going to end up with her heart broken.
OK, here's my plan: let's take Govan and Sunshine down to the river, tape them together, put them in a bag, and see if they float. They don't? Whoops.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Watch out for cornflakes
My boyf is already bored of BB. Appreciate it! It's our last one. I do agree though that the engineering of storylines so early on is tiring. I wish they'd let them bed in a bit.
Mario does seem to like Sunshiiiiiiiine. Why?
Apparently John James is favourite to win! WTF.
They didn't put Steve in because he snores, folks. That's just an added bonus.
I want to see Mario's clown painting. It sounds DEEP, dude. You can't stop growing old, Mario. Brian Molko taught us that.
Steve! Blew him up and then set a dog on him. Glorious war. Ben: 'your mother must have just been beside herself.' LOL. Why has Ben got his tongue so far up Steve's arse? I think it's a bit patronising. What choice does he have but to live and go on with life?
I don't think I've ever seen any of those girls speak to Sunshine. I have heard them say shit about her late into the night though. It's weird that the girls are the ones staying up this year. I don't think I've ever seen that before.
I'd rather be Lady Gargoyle than Fiancee. Fiancee is always spewing bile, backed up by her little impy henchman. That's Govan and Shabby both talked about nominations so far.
Corin and Nathan are flying so far under the radar, they're burrowing underground.
Ben liasing with the common people! Discussing sandwiches and Corrie. I like it.
I can feel a Shabby strop coming on! She's gonna Veruca Salt you up. Do you not understand English, Shabby? You broke the rules. Now if you don't like it, you know where the door is.
I'm surprised the It girls (Fiancee, Ife & Keeva) put up with Shabby 'what can I say, I get a lot of poontang' and her bullshit. She's one spoilt cunt. Go sit on the naughty step. Imagine if Shabby had her legs blown off? No, let's imagine her having her head blown off. It's more fun.
OMG Is Fiancee serious? She fancies Nathan? He looks like a shrivelled up Noel Gallagher (who looks like a shrivelled up Liam Gallagher). With a bit of Jack Branning icing. Blergh. Behold him lying starfish-style in the garden, his hairy chest exposed. Yuck.
Shabby: 'I'm such a fucking bell-end'. A fitting epitaph, I'm sure you'll agree. She's writing this blog for me. She didn't confess that essentially she fingered Steve. Her confession was very self-serving.
Why is John always frowning? Oh, because he's thick as pig shit.
Why do they need to wear the safety glasses for the brain freeze task? Just to make them look silly! I thought Nathan might win it. He looks competitive.
When is Dave going to start speaking in tongues? Before or after his eviction?
Govan reminds me of Gok Wan; 100% insincere. Fiancee is just a spiteful dullard.
Ben; here's why Shabby won't speak to you; you're too common for her! Not rich enough!
Are those diary room wings made out of Fiancee's hair extensions? Acrylic afternoons indeed.
Is John James chatting up Josie? I thought he just stood and waiting for the Sheilas to come to him. Do you think he's going to get to touch up his highlights in the house?
That's so cruel that BB won't give them earplugs! I would smother Steve in his sleep. I couldn't sleep in that room. They must be barred from the nest too.
My boyfriend has decided Govan talks like Vicky Pollard. He certainly talks enough bullshit.
Right, I'm off to get intoxicated on the holy ghost.
Mario does seem to like Sunshiiiiiiiine. Why?
Apparently John James is favourite to win! WTF.
They didn't put Steve in because he snores, folks. That's just an added bonus.
I want to see Mario's clown painting. It sounds DEEP, dude. You can't stop growing old, Mario. Brian Molko taught us that.
Steve! Blew him up and then set a dog on him. Glorious war. Ben: 'your mother must have just been beside herself.' LOL. Why has Ben got his tongue so far up Steve's arse? I think it's a bit patronising. What choice does he have but to live and go on with life?
I don't think I've ever seen any of those girls speak to Sunshine. I have heard them say shit about her late into the night though. It's weird that the girls are the ones staying up this year. I don't think I've ever seen that before.
I'd rather be Lady Gargoyle than Fiancee. Fiancee is always spewing bile, backed up by her little impy henchman. That's Govan and Shabby both talked about nominations so far.
Corin and Nathan are flying so far under the radar, they're burrowing underground.
Ben liasing with the common people! Discussing sandwiches and Corrie. I like it.
I can feel a Shabby strop coming on! She's gonna Veruca Salt you up. Do you not understand English, Shabby? You broke the rules. Now if you don't like it, you know where the door is.
I'm surprised the It girls (Fiancee, Ife & Keeva) put up with Shabby 'what can I say, I get a lot of poontang' and her bullshit. She's one spoilt cunt. Go sit on the naughty step. Imagine if Shabby had her legs blown off? No, let's imagine her having her head blown off. It's more fun.
OMG Is Fiancee serious? She fancies Nathan? He looks like a shrivelled up Noel Gallagher (who looks like a shrivelled up Liam Gallagher). With a bit of Jack Branning icing. Blergh. Behold him lying starfish-style in the garden, his hairy chest exposed. Yuck.
Shabby: 'I'm such a fucking bell-end'. A fitting epitaph, I'm sure you'll agree. She's writing this blog for me. She didn't confess that essentially she fingered Steve. Her confession was very self-serving.
Why is John always frowning? Oh, because he's thick as pig shit.
Why do they need to wear the safety glasses for the brain freeze task? Just to make them look silly! I thought Nathan might win it. He looks competitive.
When is Dave going to start speaking in tongues? Before or after his eviction?
Govan reminds me of Gok Wan; 100% insincere. Fiancee is just a spiteful dullard.
Ben; here's why Shabby won't speak to you; you're too common for her! Not rich enough!
Are those diary room wings made out of Fiancee's hair extensions? Acrylic afternoons indeed.
Is John James chatting up Josie? I thought he just stood and waiting for the Sheilas to come to him. Do you think he's going to get to touch up his highlights in the house?
That's so cruel that BB won't give them earplugs! I would smother Steve in his sleep. I couldn't sleep in that room. They must be barred from the nest too.
My boyfriend has decided Govan talks like Vicky Pollard. He certainly talks enough bullshit.
Right, I'm off to get intoxicated on the holy ghost.
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Big Brother 11: John James, so dumb they named him twice
Obviously we already know Mario passed the task; and it would have been mental torture to throw him out after all that. Still, I've seen bigger miscarriages of justice on BB.
Here's the problem with Sunshine. She doesn't 'know herself', as Ashleeeeen used to say. Her personality is contrived, therefore you can't relate to her.
Nathan has only said one line in four days, and they got subtitled. I see why they're not showing much of him, he needs his own full-time translator.
Steve's snoring is grotesque. It's a good reason to nominate him without seeming like an arse though.
Ben has dabbled with blokes! Aw he doesn't fancy Mario, though. Sob. How could he like Fiancee more? She's a zzz factory.
I watched a bit of this quiz task on the live feed and Mario was actually replying back to the tree. It was so obvious! Mario is hamming it up too much. He needs to work on his faux-crying.
John James is so desperate to win its unreal, cobber. So much of what he says is unbridled bullshit.
Is Sunshine wearing that outfit/ lipstick for a joke?
I don't think I'd like to eat anything John cooked. He doesn't even know how to grate cheese. I don't think Mario could even fuck it up more, that pizza looks so gross. Mario's messing up of the task was fun; at least he got to trash something at last. I would have wrecked the joint.
It was quite a lark seeing John James get screwed. 'I don't eat cooking!' He's a gold-plated div. I think he might be inspired casting.
PIZZA RESISTANCE! Nice.
Mario: 'I wouldn't go in there because I've just had a big shit.' Class.
John laughing at the mess in the kitchen was good. I warmed to him then. The others still eating the dregs! Desperate.
Mario swore on Steve's life! Just as deadly as a roadside bomb. Sunshine is always trying to out him. I wish she'd wrap up.
This mole task thing ended up with people just voting for who they wanted to get evicted. Which was bad news for Sunshine. Unless they all just copied each other. But good news for Mario. Hurrah.
Why DID everyone vote Sunshine? Just because she's annoying, I guess. If I was in that house I'd be sure to vote for her first nominations, in the assurance I would survive the cut.
Sunshine is too earnest. I haven't got the measure of Govan yet but I think he might be a shit-stirrer.
Nice to see Mario out of the mole hole. He needs to get over the Ben thing though.
Shabby and Govan's conversation might as well have been subtitled with 'vote Sunshine out'. Subtle it wasn't.
Here's the problem with Sunshine. She doesn't 'know herself', as Ashleeeeen used to say. Her personality is contrived, therefore you can't relate to her.
Nathan has only said one line in four days, and they got subtitled. I see why they're not showing much of him, he needs his own full-time translator.
Steve's snoring is grotesque. It's a good reason to nominate him without seeming like an arse though.
Ben has dabbled with blokes! Aw he doesn't fancy Mario, though. Sob. How could he like Fiancee more? She's a zzz factory.
I watched a bit of this quiz task on the live feed and Mario was actually replying back to the tree. It was so obvious! Mario is hamming it up too much. He needs to work on his faux-crying.
John James is so desperate to win its unreal, cobber. So much of what he says is unbridled bullshit.
Is Sunshine wearing that outfit/ lipstick for a joke?
I don't think I'd like to eat anything John cooked. He doesn't even know how to grate cheese. I don't think Mario could even fuck it up more, that pizza looks so gross. Mario's messing up of the task was fun; at least he got to trash something at last. I would have wrecked the joint.
It was quite a lark seeing John James get screwed. 'I don't eat cooking!' He's a gold-plated div. I think he might be inspired casting.
PIZZA RESISTANCE! Nice.
Mario: 'I wouldn't go in there because I've just had a big shit.' Class.
John laughing at the mess in the kitchen was good. I warmed to him then. The others still eating the dregs! Desperate.
Mario swore on Steve's life! Just as deadly as a roadside bomb. Sunshine is always trying to out him. I wish she'd wrap up.
This mole task thing ended up with people just voting for who they wanted to get evicted. Which was bad news for Sunshine. Unless they all just copied each other. But good news for Mario. Hurrah.
Why DID everyone vote Sunshine? Just because she's annoying, I guess. If I was in that house I'd be sure to vote for her first nominations, in the assurance I would survive the cut.
Sunshine is too earnest. I haven't got the measure of Govan yet but I think he might be a shit-stirrer.
Nice to see Mario out of the mole hole. He needs to get over the Ben thing though.
Shabby and Govan's conversation might as well have been subtitled with 'vote Sunshine out'. Subtle it wasn't.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Pure slamming
I watched some more live feed tonight and saw Mario going through murders carrying out his tasks! It's really mental torture for him. Naughty BB.
Sunshine, stop grilling Mario, you arsehole. I feel so sorry for him. He looks shattered, pasty, sad... it's just not fair.
Task: they didn't look like they were putting their clothes on very fast to me. I'd have been quicker.
Mario giving Ben a sly pat. Aw. He's born to lose at the moment. No love for the mole.
Look at John James, with his diamanté earrings glinting in the sun. Why would you say on TV you're a 30-second man? Pure slamming! Lovely.
Not many girls in Australia like giving blowjobs, or just to the 30-second man? He finds it demeaning! His personality is demeaning. I couldn't work out if he was serious or not.
OMG they've permitted Dave access to the Bible! This is bullshit. If he can get 'possessed' by God, why does he need to read it? Boo to religion.
Dave, you might as well say 'what goes around comes around'; it's quicker.
Handwash-gate. Zzz. Fiancee getting bugged by Sunshine; inevitable.
Mario's 'poker face' whilst stealing those fags was one of pure panic.
'Mario, show me how to use the toilet'- fuck off Sunshine. 'Why were you in your room?' Is he not allowed to go in his own room now? Maybe he wanted to get away from your Lady Gargoyle mush.
Shabby's idea of winding the other housemates up seems deranged, given she's in a popularity contest. Still, good news for Mario.
Sunshine, stop grilling Mario, you arsehole. I feel so sorry for him. He looks shattered, pasty, sad... it's just not fair.
Task: they didn't look like they were putting their clothes on very fast to me. I'd have been quicker.
Mario giving Ben a sly pat. Aw. He's born to lose at the moment. No love for the mole.
Look at John James, with his diamanté earrings glinting in the sun. Why would you say on TV you're a 30-second man? Pure slamming! Lovely.
Not many girls in Australia like giving blowjobs, or just to the 30-second man? He finds it demeaning! His personality is demeaning. I couldn't work out if he was serious or not.
OMG they've permitted Dave access to the Bible! This is bullshit. If he can get 'possessed' by God, why does he need to read it? Boo to religion.
Dave, you might as well say 'what goes around comes around'; it's quicker.
Handwash-gate. Zzz. Fiancee getting bugged by Sunshine; inevitable.
Mario's 'poker face' whilst stealing those fags was one of pure panic.
'Mario, show me how to use the toilet'- fuck off Sunshine. 'Why were you in your room?' Is he not allowed to go in his own room now? Maybe he wanted to get away from your Lady Gargoyle mush.
Shabby's idea of winding the other housemates up seems deranged, given she's in a popularity contest. Still, good news for Mario.
Friday, 11 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Big-titted pig
Previously on Exitainment! I only like Mario. End.
Looking at Corin, Ife, Steve, Dave and John makes me want to lose the will to live.
Look at Ben in his silk gown! He's working those wings. I do still like Ben, too. But as a character, not a friend.
Why has Fiancee got comedy glasses on? Sunshine is grating a bit. Cloudy, more like.
Who's cooking the food on that table in the sky? I don't think I'd want to eat up there. I'd feel unsettled.
That task was hard! The phrases were stupid. Word association: Spice girls... prostitutes.. hookers. I could say more, but I'm a feminist. Ha.
Shopping list. 'Let's do the alcohol first.' I see.
Fiancee doesn't know the difference between being a beautician and a vegan. You don't get a packet of fake nails for every pack of tofu Sunshine eats. Not exactly very understanding to others beliefs.
If there was a woman in there with 8 kids by various different fathers; woe betide! Steve is just a massive chav.
Fiancee is getting on my wick. Thanks for giving Shabby your seal of approval 'despite how she looks'. Never mind she's a massive cunt. As are you.
Nathan is getting the Hira edit. I'm guessing he's just a dullard. I see he's just calling Mario 'mole.' Let's just call him 'eyebrow'. Govan is straight? No fucking way. Not possible.
Hair straightener-gate could not have been more dull. Fiancee is vapid.
Shabby and Ife are in the kitchen. Where's Dodgy?
'Let's get fucked on carbs and potatoes'! That's pretty much my motto.
The Tree of Temptation has got a bit of Charlie Brooker about him. Poor Mario! He can't even get a good night's sleep.
Why does everyone look so stooped in that diary room chair?! Sit up straight.
STEVE! Nice snoring. Big-titted pig indeed.
Aw Mario has little boy pants on. Cute. I think I'm falling for him. Squeaky door! Come on, chicken, you can do it.
I don't like that brand of bread Mario is putting in the pool! DROWN IT. This is tense. MARIO you're my hero. HE MUST STAY.
Looking at Corin, Ife, Steve, Dave and John makes me want to lose the will to live.
Look at Ben in his silk gown! He's working those wings. I do still like Ben, too. But as a character, not a friend.
Why has Fiancee got comedy glasses on? Sunshine is grating a bit. Cloudy, more like.
Who's cooking the food on that table in the sky? I don't think I'd want to eat up there. I'd feel unsettled.
That task was hard! The phrases were stupid. Word association: Spice girls... prostitutes.. hookers. I could say more, but I'm a feminist. Ha.
Shopping list. 'Let's do the alcohol first.' I see.
Fiancee doesn't know the difference between being a beautician and a vegan. You don't get a packet of fake nails for every pack of tofu Sunshine eats. Not exactly very understanding to others beliefs.
If there was a woman in there with 8 kids by various different fathers; woe betide! Steve is just a massive chav.
Fiancee is getting on my wick. Thanks for giving Shabby your seal of approval 'despite how she looks'. Never mind she's a massive cunt. As are you.
Nathan is getting the Hira edit. I'm guessing he's just a dullard. I see he's just calling Mario 'mole.' Let's just call him 'eyebrow'. Govan is straight? No fucking way. Not possible.
Hair straightener-gate could not have been more dull. Fiancee is vapid.
Shabby and Ife are in the kitchen. Where's Dodgy?
'Let's get fucked on carbs and potatoes'! That's pretty much my motto.
The Tree of Temptation has got a bit of Charlie Brooker about him. Poor Mario! He can't even get a good night's sleep.
Why does everyone look so stooped in that diary room chair?! Sit up straight.
STEVE! Nice snoring. Big-titted pig indeed.
Aw Mario has little boy pants on. Cute. I think I'm falling for him. Squeaky door! Come on, chicken, you can do it.
I don't like that brand of bread Mario is putting in the pool! DROWN IT. This is tense. MARIO you're my hero. HE MUST STAY.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Holes dug by little moles
I like the way they're whizzing through what happened yesterday. Keep it snappy. I picked through the live feed last night and saw Ife and Caoimhe (I need to think of a nickname for her fast) slagging off Sunshine, saying she doesn't look like Lady Gaga. Yes she does. A Gaga/Kate Walsh hybrid. I also learnt that Ben was Raef from The Apprentice's butler on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Fame, fame, fatal fame.
Fiancee has been hit on twice already. It's hard being good-looking.
John James is annoying in every way; the voice, the highlights, the attitude. Rack off. He's my odds-on favourite to say something racist.
Ben is still giving good value for money; 'If you were French or German we may have a problem'. I just like hearing him talk, he's so gloriously posh.
I could see Josie and monobrow dude getting it on. They're on about the same social scale.
Did Steve just say he had a 'computer knee'? Like Plankton's computer wife in Spongebob Squarepants.
The mole hole is kind of cool. At least he'll get a good night's sleep in there. Mario is so desperate to be in there it hurts. But I really respected him on the live feed last night; the boy's got guts. It's scary to think he's only in there by chance, as he seems so much more intriguing than... er, all the others.
Steve is getting on my wick already. He's going to be the old Mario/ Carole/ Vinnie Jones of the group who no one will want to throw out because of his disability.
Dave is going to be BAD. Dave and Steve are going to be a force (of cunts) to be reckoned with.
Sunshine... medical... tinkerbell... fairy dust. OK.
Corin. Common. Ooh, dead husband and now with a girl. Quite interesting.
Let's guess what Shabby's real name is. Tabitha? Veronica? Philomena?
Aw, Mario had his heart ripped out at Christmas! Perhaps someone thought it was a pressie.
Josie. Why are you there?
Fiancee saying she's not stupid. Defensive!
Ben: it's easy to not work the 9-5 when your parents live in a castle.
JohnJames: PRICK.
I liked the way Mario went for the task so quick, he was straight into those drawers, no messing about.
Ben is seriously paranoid about being booed. He needs to get a grip. And put some trousers on.
OMG Mario is gay! I never knew. I had considered it but my gaydar is fucked. There's his heart dashed against the rocks once more. Ben looked offended, rather unfairly. He's uber-camp.
Mario wrote SO MANY things on that ball. His handwriting was absolutely meticulous. The things he wrote were really clever. It's such a relief to have someone with a brain in the house.
Mario: 'what am I going to do as a mole? Dig up the garden?' LOL. The mole nose looks like a penis. It's unnerving.
Mario's throwing was brilliant- that's like me trying to get a balled-up crisp packet in the bin. Go Mario! Crawl, crawl, crawl!
They didn't even show Ife take her wig off so you might think she shaved her head and no one mentioned it.
So they didn't show the bitching. Obviously doesn't fit into the agenda yet. But it will, and it must.
Woah look at tomorrow's task! Looks like they spent a couple of quid at last. Well done, BB. Just starve them and spend the money on electric shocks.
Fiancee has been hit on twice already. It's hard being good-looking.
John James is annoying in every way; the voice, the highlights, the attitude. Rack off. He's my odds-on favourite to say something racist.
Ben is still giving good value for money; 'If you were French or German we may have a problem'. I just like hearing him talk, he's so gloriously posh.
I could see Josie and monobrow dude getting it on. They're on about the same social scale.
Did Steve just say he had a 'computer knee'? Like Plankton's computer wife in Spongebob Squarepants.
The mole hole is kind of cool. At least he'll get a good night's sleep in there. Mario is so desperate to be in there it hurts. But I really respected him on the live feed last night; the boy's got guts. It's scary to think he's only in there by chance, as he seems so much more intriguing than... er, all the others.
Steve is getting on my wick already. He's going to be the old Mario/ Carole/ Vinnie Jones of the group who no one will want to throw out because of his disability.
Dave is going to be BAD. Dave and Steve are going to be a force (of cunts) to be reckoned with.
Sunshine... medical... tinkerbell... fairy dust. OK.
Corin. Common. Ooh, dead husband and now with a girl. Quite interesting.
Let's guess what Shabby's real name is. Tabitha? Veronica? Philomena?
Aw, Mario had his heart ripped out at Christmas! Perhaps someone thought it was a pressie.
Josie. Why are you there?
Fiancee saying she's not stupid. Defensive!
Ben: it's easy to not work the 9-5 when your parents live in a castle.
JohnJames: PRICK.
I liked the way Mario went for the task so quick, he was straight into those drawers, no messing about.
Ben is seriously paranoid about being booed. He needs to get a grip. And put some trousers on.
OMG Mario is gay! I never knew. I had considered it but my gaydar is fucked. There's his heart dashed against the rocks once more. Ben looked offended, rather unfairly. He's uber-camp.
Mario wrote SO MANY things on that ball. His handwriting was absolutely meticulous. The things he wrote were really clever. It's such a relief to have someone with a brain in the house.
Mario: 'what am I going to do as a mole? Dig up the garden?' LOL. The mole nose looks like a penis. It's unnerving.
Mario's throwing was brilliant- that's like me trying to get a balled-up crisp packet in the bin. Go Mario! Crawl, crawl, crawl!
They didn't even show Ife take her wig off so you might think she shaved her head and no one mentioned it.
So they didn't show the bitching. Obviously doesn't fit into the agenda yet. But it will, and it must.
Woah look at tomorrow's task! Looks like they spent a couple of quid at last. Well done, BB. Just starve them and spend the money on electric shocks.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Big Brother 11: Launch Night (before your very eyes)
I was 19 years old when Big Brother first started; almost a child. My twenties just finished, and aptly, Big Brother is folding now, too. It's time to move onto adult things. It's time to grow up.
Ha, fuck that! I read an interview in Heat where Davina said 'never say never' about moving to a different channel to present BB, which made me feel oddly hopeful. Five must be scouting for it. They aren't afraid to churn out a tired old formula; they show Home and Away every day.
So here it is, our last stand. Let's meet our new friends and enemies. I am watching this on the PLUS ONE! Unacceptable, I know.
What's all this about 80 people or so waiting to be picked? Doesn't that guarantee a few duds? Couldn't they pick 12 decent people themselves?
It's weird seeing the house in daylight! BB launches should take place under the cover of darkness.
Ooh the house looks really nice. I like the swirliness of the walls and the bedroom looks really plush. ZOLTAR. PARROT. Ooh, look at the whirlpool and the nest. The nest looks super comfy. They've spent a few quid on it this year. Why have they made the tree of temptation into a chest of drawers, but they are still calling it the tree of temptation? They should call it the chest of coercion. The diary room chair is pretty but too small. I prefer the ones where they can have a pile up in it.
1st in. Josie. Mrs. Justin Lee Collins. 25? She looks frumpy. She looks like she's wearing her mum's dress. I said to my boyfriend 'is that dress unflattering or has she got a huge arse?' and he said 'both'.
2nd. Steve, one of those soldiers the BB producers mawkishly recruited. Looks like England fan. Did he just say he had eight kids? 'What you see is what you get'. Well, in that case, can I have my money back? He's just Mario with a limp.
I don't understand this format. Is the live crowd not being shown the footage of the housemates going in (because the new housemates aren't allowed to see it?) I'd feel pretty jibbed if I'd gone down for that.
I don't get this 81 people thing at all. If they're already chosen, what's the point? There better be a twist, but BB just probably just got confused. I HATE the fact they all know each other, it's not 'quite nice'; Davina. it's rubbish. The whole point is WE watch them getting to know each other, idiot. The producers still don't fucking know their arse from their elbow.
Ben. 'Welcome to my lair'. AT LAST a good housemate. DOSS PAD. Mannequins! Is he 4 realz? He's got to be gay. 'Some sort of prison designed by Boy George'! Boy George has had the inspiration, anyway. My boyfriend said 'he obviously had that written down weeks ago'. Who cares? I LIKE BEN. BEN FTW. Mind you, his competition is dreadful so far.
Next: Rachael. I said 'Fiona Lewis' and my boyfriend said 'Feyonce' so I'll leave you to work that one out. She just seems like a dullard.
That fairground music does not have the required gravitas. Next in Nathan. Jack Branning on the Slim Fast diet. A lad's lad. I look forward to him missing the World Cup. Are we going to get anyone good looking in there?
Ad break! Cheryl Cole and that lipgloss advert. There's not a lip gloss on the planet you could bite on your lips and not come away with it on your teeth, you lying harpy. I recognise all this advert music, that car music and that hair gel advert. Peculiar.
The house isn't in the same place as normal, is it? I see trees, I see grass.
Next: Dave. Oh God, not more Christians. Heavenly intoxication and bliss bashes; sounds like a gay hardcore night. BOO to the God botherer.
Caohme. (I think I misspelt this) She looks cool in her sunglasses. Urgh, I don't like these names I can't spell and that you pronounce differently. She seems like more of a normal person and not an airhead. She's quite attractive.
Govan. Gay? I liked the way he said 'funny'. He seems quite sweet but I think he could go either way; he'll either be dead cool or a total nightmare.
I like the carpet. I like all the house. The Davina wallpaper is a nice touch, too. Shame about the housemates.
Shabby is in next. I thought she was a bloke. She's a Kitten type. I preferred her when I thought she was a boy. She's a lesbian. SHOCKING. (as Dr Drew would say). Oh God, I'm getting shades of Shabnam. And that's not a good thing. Just pure fakery.
Next: Ife! My friend saw someone with a bag that was masquerading as Miffy the bunny rabbit and called it 'Iffy'. That's a good joke. I wonder who she's not going to get on with. FIANCEE, is my bet. Borin'. Ben looked how I felt.
John. Looks like a boil-in-the-bag boyband member. Australian. Does he like Neighbours? His clothes look BRAND NEW. Zzzz.
Sunshiiiiiiiiiine! She looks like Lady Gaga crossed with Kate Walsh. Beware the person who says they like having intellectual conversations. She was trying overly hard to be kooky but there's something I like about her. It was weird the way she just sat down and shook hands with people, like she didn't know where to put herself.
Corin is next. FJORDAN. Corin/Fjordan is really ORANGE. I couldn't hear anything she said because they obviously fucked up the mikes and all you could hear was Davina going 'does anyone have a tissue?' Corin could have said she was a child molester for all I know.
Adverts. IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT! God this football thing is INTERMINABLE. DROP DEAD ALL WHO SAIL IN IT!
Last time they picked a housemate at random we got that dreary old cunt Suzie, so not holding out much hope for this wildcard. Mini Mario! He looks very happy at least. I like him, he looks geeky and green. Mario can't read! Aw, I want to see his entrance video.
There was literally an advert break about 10 seconds ago. GUESS WHAT CUNTS NOT EVERYONE LIKES FOOTBALL! DIE. Oh and now for a perfume ad. That's OK then. I don't think I want to smell like Fergie. The smell of the crack den! YUM.
The first night tasks really suck shit. Davina's jokes are dreadful. It feels arduous. Yet still we cling.
I don't think the people they've chosen are as good as last year. We just have to hope the interesting people don't get binned first. Stay tuned.
Ha, fuck that! I read an interview in Heat where Davina said 'never say never' about moving to a different channel to present BB, which made me feel oddly hopeful. Five must be scouting for it. They aren't afraid to churn out a tired old formula; they show Home and Away every day.
So here it is, our last stand. Let's meet our new friends and enemies. I am watching this on the PLUS ONE! Unacceptable, I know.
What's all this about 80 people or so waiting to be picked? Doesn't that guarantee a few duds? Couldn't they pick 12 decent people themselves?
It's weird seeing the house in daylight! BB launches should take place under the cover of darkness.
Ooh the house looks really nice. I like the swirliness of the walls and the bedroom looks really plush. ZOLTAR. PARROT. Ooh, look at the whirlpool and the nest. The nest looks super comfy. They've spent a few quid on it this year. Why have they made the tree of temptation into a chest of drawers, but they are still calling it the tree of temptation? They should call it the chest of coercion. The diary room chair is pretty but too small. I prefer the ones where they can have a pile up in it.
1st in. Josie. Mrs. Justin Lee Collins. 25? She looks frumpy. She looks like she's wearing her mum's dress. I said to my boyfriend 'is that dress unflattering or has she got a huge arse?' and he said 'both'.
2nd. Steve, one of those soldiers the BB producers mawkishly recruited. Looks like England fan. Did he just say he had eight kids? 'What you see is what you get'. Well, in that case, can I have my money back? He's just Mario with a limp.
I don't understand this format. Is the live crowd not being shown the footage of the housemates going in (because the new housemates aren't allowed to see it?) I'd feel pretty jibbed if I'd gone down for that.
I don't get this 81 people thing at all. If they're already chosen, what's the point? There better be a twist, but BB just probably just got confused. I HATE the fact they all know each other, it's not 'quite nice'; Davina. it's rubbish. The whole point is WE watch them getting to know each other, idiot. The producers still don't fucking know their arse from their elbow.
Ben. 'Welcome to my lair'. AT LAST a good housemate. DOSS PAD. Mannequins! Is he 4 realz? He's got to be gay. 'Some sort of prison designed by Boy George'! Boy George has had the inspiration, anyway. My boyfriend said 'he obviously had that written down weeks ago'. Who cares? I LIKE BEN. BEN FTW. Mind you, his competition is dreadful so far.
Next: Rachael. I said 'Fiona Lewis' and my boyfriend said 'Feyonce' so I'll leave you to work that one out. She just seems like a dullard.
That fairground music does not have the required gravitas. Next in Nathan. Jack Branning on the Slim Fast diet. A lad's lad. I look forward to him missing the World Cup. Are we going to get anyone good looking in there?
Ad break! Cheryl Cole and that lipgloss advert. There's not a lip gloss on the planet you could bite on your lips and not come away with it on your teeth, you lying harpy. I recognise all this advert music, that car music and that hair gel advert. Peculiar.
The house isn't in the same place as normal, is it? I see trees, I see grass.
Next: Dave. Oh God, not more Christians. Heavenly intoxication and bliss bashes; sounds like a gay hardcore night. BOO to the God botherer.
Caohme. (I think I misspelt this) She looks cool in her sunglasses. Urgh, I don't like these names I can't spell and that you pronounce differently. She seems like more of a normal person and not an airhead. She's quite attractive.
Govan. Gay? I liked the way he said 'funny'. He seems quite sweet but I think he could go either way; he'll either be dead cool or a total nightmare.
I like the carpet. I like all the house. The Davina wallpaper is a nice touch, too. Shame about the housemates.
Shabby is in next. I thought she was a bloke. She's a Kitten type. I preferred her when I thought she was a boy. She's a lesbian. SHOCKING. (as Dr Drew would say). Oh God, I'm getting shades of Shabnam. And that's not a good thing. Just pure fakery.
Next: Ife! My friend saw someone with a bag that was masquerading as Miffy the bunny rabbit and called it 'Iffy'. That's a good joke. I wonder who she's not going to get on with. FIANCEE, is my bet. Borin'. Ben looked how I felt.
John. Looks like a boil-in-the-bag boyband member. Australian. Does he like Neighbours? His clothes look BRAND NEW. Zzzz.
Sunshiiiiiiiiiine! She looks like Lady Gaga crossed with Kate Walsh. Beware the person who says they like having intellectual conversations. She was trying overly hard to be kooky but there's something I like about her. It was weird the way she just sat down and shook hands with people, like she didn't know where to put herself.
Corin is next. FJORDAN. Corin/Fjordan is really ORANGE. I couldn't hear anything she said because they obviously fucked up the mikes and all you could hear was Davina going 'does anyone have a tissue?' Corin could have said she was a child molester for all I know.
Adverts. IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT! God this football thing is INTERMINABLE. DROP DEAD ALL WHO SAIL IN IT!
Last time they picked a housemate at random we got that dreary old cunt Suzie, so not holding out much hope for this wildcard. Mini Mario! He looks very happy at least. I like him, he looks geeky and green. Mario can't read! Aw, I want to see his entrance video.
There was literally an advert break about 10 seconds ago. GUESS WHAT CUNTS NOT EVERYONE LIKES FOOTBALL! DIE. Oh and now for a perfume ad. That's OK then. I don't think I want to smell like Fergie. The smell of the crack den! YUM.
The first night tasks really suck shit. Davina's jokes are dreadful. It feels arduous. Yet still we cling.
I don't think the people they've chosen are as good as last year. We just have to hope the interesting people don't get binned first. Stay tuned.
Friday, 29 January 2010
Celebrity Big Brother 7: The Final (From Booze to Cheese)
I am round my friends house! I have bought my laptop! I am a loser. Apparently Alex is red-hot favourite to win! I can’t believe it.
Davina is sprouting hair! She looks haggard but I think my mate might have HD.
Everyone is talking too loud! My blog is being compromised! I think I might be pushing my luck asking people to shut it.
What is going on after the break? Are the highlights so crap they are showing weird BBLB style campaigning halfway through the show? Odd.
Dinner speeches! My way! This is always good for a cringe. Dane has designer stubble. Alex said ‘specifically’ right! He looked like a ‘pacifically’ man to me!
I think I’m ready for it to be over now. In some ways.
Stephanie’s out! I thought it would be Jonas. Wow, she’s got her old Dynasty gear on I reckon. And the hair! Oh, the glamour. OMG she’s chewing gum! Gross. Not so classy.
We’ve just decided our mate Adam would make a good Big Brother contest and are bullying him to go to the auditions. He would make the best housemate EVER. No comedian could dream him up.
Stephanie had a good sense of humour but was a bit of a bitch. Look at the ring over the gloves. That’s panache.
Her interview seemed quite good. I especially liked the bit where the crowd chanted ‘get Vinnie out!’
Basshunter! Now You’re Gone! Aw Jonas looks quite cute in his braces. There’s a Swedish girl round Adam’s and she’s giving us all the lowdown Basshunter’s murky past.
Jonas looks dreamy! Ooh he’s dissed Kat. Harsh. He’s being extremely cheesy in this interview. It felt scripted. ‘Too late baby!’ was pretty cool though.
The clown-fucking clip was quite funny. Basshunter; disown your management! Run for your life... be happy.
OMG Vinnie’s 3rd! Pure joy! And the best part is that he’s got to sit there eating it for half an hour! EAT IT! Vinnie thinks the news is on! Has he never seen 8 of 10 cats.
Vinnie- there’s your career- wave goodbye. Man of the people. That made me feel genuinely happy in every way. I don’t really mind who wins now. Jordan must be laughing her socks off.
2nd show! There’s like 12 people here now so I’ve had to put the subs on. Everyone thinks I’m a complete tool. I can’t deny it. I love Big Brother!
Wow these subs are crazy, apparently you spell Davina ‘Daveenya!’
What’s Vinnie carrying? His P45? He looks pissed off! I have had several gloating texts! We won!
Vinnie why you got them sunglasses on? It’s night time! I can’t hear what he’s saying, can someone let me know if he made a complete twat out of himself, I’m sure he did.
LOL to the welcome pack. It looked a bit shoddily made.
I have now commandeered the remote control. I can’t tell people to shh in their own home though.
It’s ALEX! He looks shocked. Imagine if you’d put a few quid on Alex at the beginning. You couldn’t have written that ending. Dane looks nervous.
Dane looks quite handsome, but I might be drunk. I’m doing my best here; sorry it’s a real struggle!
I wonder what he thinks about being beaten by Alex. AGAIN! Heh.
Dane’s dressed like a snooker player again. What has Dane achieved? He’s gone from national joke to alright geezer. And I think that’ll probably do him. I couldn’t hear much of the interview! I can imagine it though. He seemed to come across well.
Please fill me in on what I missed. I really have to socialise now. My stock has plummeted here, and it was pretty low from the second I arrived.This is a major arse-ache, I hope you appreciate it.
OMG I heard the ‘have you seen that head?’ bit! Naughty Dane.
Alex: ‘goodbye celebrity brig brother house.’ Well done Alex, you’ve almost learnt how to speak in the house. Next stop: picture books!
Aw he looked cute when he came out. The public loves an underdog!
This vision express advert is heavy on the lady sovereign glasses.
It’s funny because even Daveenya was mean to Alex when he went in. And now she’s got to crawl up his arse. Heh.
Maybe Alex won because he found God!
It’s quite funny that a man that wasn’t allowed to speak about his personal life went on to win. Irony!
Get out of Vinnie’s arse Alex! Oh he mentioned he got booed. Hehe! So much for Vinnie’s fanbase. Alex didn’t even have Jordan as a fan three weeks ago.
Alex talking about himself in the third person is mega! Jordan couldn’t dump him now even if she wanted to.
Jordan: boooooooo! Haha.
Alex, also a big fat orange. He was gracious about Dane, it was nice.
Aw the memories at the end! Another three weeks of my life wasted. I know it’s over.
I don’t think it’s the end for CBB, whatever they say. With twitter, a channel that actually gives a shit, and some new ideas, Big Brother could go on forever. And should.
And finally: Let’s spare a thought for Peter Andre tonight. He must be absolutely seething.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Celebrity Big Brother 7: To posh to plush
Why is the last mile the hardest mile? (because you kicked out Stevie B- dur).
The tree's task for Vinnie was good. OMG! Vinnie defied the tree. And thus his chances of winning are gone. What a spoilsport! Don't argue with the tree. Don't give that tree attitude like Lady Sov when denied her purple hair dye.
Ah Vinnie is going to do it to protect the house. What a saint. Notice how Vinnie gets the task right before final night. Fiiiiiiix!
Vinnie dropped that cross-dressing thing into conversation about as subtly as Melinda Messenger puts blusher on. Vinnie, were you out with the lads, or in the bedroom? Or in the bedroom with the lads? Get your story straight, you gorm.
Anyone would think the tree asked Vinnie to line up the housemates and rape them with with a spatula the way he was carping over that task.
Vinnie! Acting! Give the man a Oscar. Alex is so stupid it's unreal, he contradicts himself from the start of the sentence to the end! Idiot-hole.
Vinnie, you can't speak American, you doofus. Get out of that elevator and off the sidewalk.
Who are Alex's 'work buddies'? The guy from human resources? Aw, he is sweet though.
I hope Vinnie's football team LOSE! And I hope yours does too! Football is RUBBISH!
Those costumes they gave them looked cheap as fuck. Don't they get that they're putting you in costumes BECAUSE it's eviction night?
Jonas was panting like a paedo under that pig suit. And goats don't have long curly hair! Get Attenborough in there, never mind Davina.
Davina-gate. Is it going to make any more sense than last night? No, because they are just fumbling in the dark as usual. What was the point?! It was a day-trip for Davina and that was about it. And no day-trip can beat David and Lisa's from regular BB! Their day out in London was the stuff of legend.
WTF is Stephanie doing? Too posh to plush? Get over yourself, lady muck. Punish her!
Cockadoodledo-her! Davina flirting with Alex was quite funny. 'I wanna bash it up' 'clothesline it'! WTF! Cruelty to chickens. This makes Colonel Sanders look kind. Stop acting the goat, Dane. Vinnie, a woman doesn't become an 'it' because they're in a costume.
Don't ignore the chicken in the room. OMG they are gang-raping her. This is fucked up.
Rip Davina's head off! Do the nation a favour.
'And she's drunk... and she walks like Quasimodo'. Jonas offering her a fag was funny. Fire hazard! Oink oink... tweet tweet. Jonas feels sorry for the lonesome chicken.
Davina don't fart, it's unladylike!
Alex getting the joke about three hours after everyone else was pure joy.
Jesus, if that was the best night of Davina's life her drug dealer must have been USELESS back in the day. Was kind of sad when she said 'she's gone' about Nicola.
Why is Dane dressed like a snooker player? Jonas check your back for a knife after that cuddle from Martha off Corrie.
It did make more sense tonight. But still not that much.
So tomorrow is final night- and I am going out! But I might take my laptop with me. However, if a friend came to my house and asked to watch Dancing on Ice or something, I'd tell them to fuck right off, so it might not quite pan out. Either way, it will be blogged. Bear with me!
Oh and vote ALEX or Dane. :-)
The tree's task for Vinnie was good. OMG! Vinnie defied the tree. And thus his chances of winning are gone. What a spoilsport! Don't argue with the tree. Don't give that tree attitude like Lady Sov when denied her purple hair dye.
Ah Vinnie is going to do it to protect the house. What a saint. Notice how Vinnie gets the task right before final night. Fiiiiiiix!
Vinnie dropped that cross-dressing thing into conversation about as subtly as Melinda Messenger puts blusher on. Vinnie, were you out with the lads, or in the bedroom? Or in the bedroom with the lads? Get your story straight, you gorm.
Anyone would think the tree asked Vinnie to line up the housemates and rape them with with a spatula the way he was carping over that task.
Vinnie! Acting! Give the man a Oscar. Alex is so stupid it's unreal, he contradicts himself from the start of the sentence to the end! Idiot-hole.
Vinnie, you can't speak American, you doofus. Get out of that elevator and off the sidewalk.
Who are Alex's 'work buddies'? The guy from human resources? Aw, he is sweet though.
I hope Vinnie's football team LOSE! And I hope yours does too! Football is RUBBISH!
Those costumes they gave them looked cheap as fuck. Don't they get that they're putting you in costumes BECAUSE it's eviction night?
Jonas was panting like a paedo under that pig suit. And goats don't have long curly hair! Get Attenborough in there, never mind Davina.
Davina-gate. Is it going to make any more sense than last night? No, because they are just fumbling in the dark as usual. What was the point?! It was a day-trip for Davina and that was about it. And no day-trip can beat David and Lisa's from regular BB! Their day out in London was the stuff of legend.
WTF is Stephanie doing? Too posh to plush? Get over yourself, lady muck. Punish her!
Cockadoodledo-her! Davina flirting with Alex was quite funny. 'I wanna bash it up' 'clothesline it'! WTF! Cruelty to chickens. This makes Colonel Sanders look kind. Stop acting the goat, Dane. Vinnie, a woman doesn't become an 'it' because they're in a costume.
Don't ignore the chicken in the room. OMG they are gang-raping her. This is fucked up.
Rip Davina's head off! Do the nation a favour.
'And she's drunk... and she walks like Quasimodo'. Jonas offering her a fag was funny. Fire hazard! Oink oink... tweet tweet. Jonas feels sorry for the lonesome chicken.
Davina don't fart, it's unladylike!
Alex getting the joke about three hours after everyone else was pure joy.
Jesus, if that was the best night of Davina's life her drug dealer must have been USELESS back in the day. Was kind of sad when she said 'she's gone' about Nicola.
Why is Dane dressed like a snooker player? Jonas check your back for a knife after that cuddle from Martha off Corrie.
It did make more sense tonight. But still not that much.
So tomorrow is final night- and I am going out! But I might take my laptop with me. However, if a friend came to my house and asked to watch Dancing on Ice or something, I'd tell them to fuck right off, so it might not quite pan out. Either way, it will be blogged. Bear with me!
Oh and vote ALEX or Dane. :-)
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Big Brother 10: Launch Night: Smells Like Allied Carpets
I went to a Big Brother party tonight and brought my laptop! That's the kind of guest I am. We are drinking Corkys courtesy of JOTV, there's Haribo courtesy of Adam, and some other goodies, too.
Welcome to the Big Brother house. Modelled on the Countdown set. I don't care about the crates or the lack of furniture or the twists or Davina's gross outfit. Just give us the peoples! Strangely short lack of pre-amble at the beginning. Normally you have to suffer a good fifteen minutes of Davina going on about how amazing the house is.
1st in is Freddie who actually looks alright, I like the posh wankers, they are always good for a giggle. He wasn't as posh as Davina made out anyway.
Lisa, unemployed. Makes straight girls go gay! Hmm, not so much. At least the first two housemates look slightly interesting and like they might start a bit of a ruck. Reminds me of Pete but must just be the mohawk. Remnants of Tracey? Deal with it (urgh).
Sophie. Paris Hilton! She's quite cute. Will Lisa turn her gay? Hmm.
RIP Jade Goody sign! Tasteful.
Kris. Quite good looking, but bound to be a twat, so I'll reserve judgement for now. It's quite an indie crowd so far- I quite like them! Give me someone to hate!
Noirin. A Christian? Is she a Kenyan from Ireland? She's pretty.
Cairon. Science! I like his attitude, he'll either be pure evil or gold. James is calling him Fizzy Rascal. Is that racist?
Very impressed with the housemates so far.
Ahhhhh the first prick. Is that a woman? Fuck me. Dressed as a mime artist. Nice. At least we have someone to hate now.
Karly. Fearne Cotton! She looked better brunette. Crapper than Sophie! She likes footballers. Thought uni was full of weirdos. Good luck in Big Brother.
Marcus. Comic book geek. Set fire to his own face. Good! Nice ponytail. Lovely 2-bar fire.
Beinazir. Narinda! Kinga! Lipliner! I think I might be drunk.
Sophia. Lupus! None of us know what lupus is. Shrieky! Go away!
Rodrigo. pocket-sized gay! He's not gay? Are you sure?
Charlie! Actual gay. Chav. I'm struggling, I have to admit.
Saffia. Instant dislikings to her! Dental nurse/ independant mum. 120%! Lolz.
Sree! Virgin? Union jack shirt! When Morrissey does that, he's called a racist! When Geri Halliwell does that it's just plain bad taste.
Siavash. Nice tash! I made that Salvador Dali joke before Pete Burns.
Our picks to win: Adam: Marcus. Nic: Rodrigo. James: Marcus. JOTV: Rodrigo. Me: Rodrigo. Not much variety.
No disabled people... my friend Adam thinks a disabled person is someone who wears glasses!
I've eaten far too many Skips now. Help!
I like the Diary Room chair! It's lush. Rodrigo is cute! He's not straight. Is he? That first task is hard. Good on Noireen for going for it. Have you ever see so much faffing in all your life.
I thought Davina was amazingly restrained tonight. But then she was being a cock on BBBM. Bring back Jack Whitehall! Kill George Lamb!
So we have to vote the housemates in? Whatevers.
This blog was rubbish; but I took my laptop all the way to Bounds Green for it. I did my best, but the drinks were just too strong. If I get robbed on the way home, I blame you.
Welcome to the Big Brother house. Modelled on the Countdown set. I don't care about the crates or the lack of furniture or the twists or Davina's gross outfit. Just give us the peoples! Strangely short lack of pre-amble at the beginning. Normally you have to suffer a good fifteen minutes of Davina going on about how amazing the house is.
1st in is Freddie who actually looks alright, I like the posh wankers, they are always good for a giggle. He wasn't as posh as Davina made out anyway.
Lisa, unemployed. Makes straight girls go gay! Hmm, not so much. At least the first two housemates look slightly interesting and like they might start a bit of a ruck. Reminds me of Pete but must just be the mohawk. Remnants of Tracey? Deal with it (urgh).
Sophie. Paris Hilton! She's quite cute. Will Lisa turn her gay? Hmm.
RIP Jade Goody sign! Tasteful.
Kris. Quite good looking, but bound to be a twat, so I'll reserve judgement for now. It's quite an indie crowd so far- I quite like them! Give me someone to hate!
Noirin. A Christian? Is she a Kenyan from Ireland? She's pretty.
Cairon. Science! I like his attitude, he'll either be pure evil or gold. James is calling him Fizzy Rascal. Is that racist?
Very impressed with the housemates so far.
Ahhhhh the first prick. Is that a woman? Fuck me. Dressed as a mime artist. Nice. At least we have someone to hate now.
Karly. Fearne Cotton! She looked better brunette. Crapper than Sophie! She likes footballers. Thought uni was full of weirdos. Good luck in Big Brother.
Marcus. Comic book geek. Set fire to his own face. Good! Nice ponytail. Lovely 2-bar fire.
Beinazir. Narinda! Kinga! Lipliner! I think I might be drunk.
Sophia. Lupus! None of us know what lupus is. Shrieky! Go away!
Rodrigo. pocket-sized gay! He's not gay? Are you sure?
Charlie! Actual gay. Chav. I'm struggling, I have to admit.
Saffia. Instant dislikings to her! Dental nurse/ independant mum. 120%! Lolz.
Sree! Virgin? Union jack shirt! When Morrissey does that, he's called a racist! When Geri Halliwell does that it's just plain bad taste.
Siavash. Nice tash! I made that Salvador Dali joke before Pete Burns.
Our picks to win: Adam: Marcus. Nic: Rodrigo. James: Marcus. JOTV: Rodrigo. Me: Rodrigo. Not much variety.
No disabled people... my friend Adam thinks a disabled person is someone who wears glasses!
I've eaten far too many Skips now. Help!
I like the Diary Room chair! It's lush. Rodrigo is cute! He's not straight. Is he? That first task is hard. Good on Noireen for going for it. Have you ever see so much faffing in all your life.
I thought Davina was amazingly restrained tonight. But then she was being a cock on BBBM. Bring back Jack Whitehall! Kill George Lamb!
So we have to vote the housemates in? Whatevers.
This blog was rubbish; but I took my laptop all the way to Bounds Green for it. I did my best, but the drinks were just too strong. If I get robbed on the way home, I blame you.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Jade Goody: Kill Your Television
A long time ago one of best friends told me to start writing a blog. And so I did, right as Celebrity Big Brother 2007 kicked off (but before it kicked off). How detrimental writing this blog has been to my 'real' writing, I don't know. But there's always another way to waste time, and this is one of the better ones, at least it involves words. And so it continues.
In one of my first ever posts on this blog I wrote of Jade Goody 'I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.' Yet in the same post I wrote, 'I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron.' And I did, actually, until that thing that happened that we all know about, and which killed CBB for a year and made the whole country feel ashamed to be British.
When it was announced she first had cancer, like you, I thought 'yeah right.' The fact it was announced on Big brother India seemed highly cynical and designed to make us magically forget you know what; but something that seared into public consciousness never gets forgotten (does it, Jonathan Ross?)
But now it's serious. She really is dying (she must be right, still I feel doubtful, like it can't be true, is that awful?) at 27. You have to feel sorry for her; getting married to that plank of wood is bad enough for starters. He appeared emotionally and socially incontinent on CBB so the thought of him looking after her is quite terrifying. The fact he's tagged and has a curfew must be painful, too, come 7pm. Let’s hope she doesn’t leave the twonk a penny, even though he’ll gobble up some crumbs from the red tops.
And then there's all the other stuff, like, you know, dying. 27 is a pitiful age to die, even if it is the age of the rock star death. Jade’s no Kurt Cobain.
So on one side there’s the ‘good on her, making cash for her kids’ camp, and on the other ‘how undignified, isn’t she crass’ crowd. And the ‘oh I’ve been to the doctors for a smear test since’ gang. Well if it took Jade Goody to get you to look after your sexual health like that, I pity you. And in the middle is Max Clifford rubbing his hands together, innocent as a choir boy.
And yet I, who during CBB ’07 probably silently and not-so-silently wished Jade dead on a few occasions, feel nothing. I DID want her empire to crumble. I don’t like stupid people being celebrated as geniuses (hands up, Jordan), I don’t like people being ‘famous for being famous’ and I didn’t like Jade’s personality. That doesn’t mean I want her to die. But it doesn’t mean I care wholeheartedly. And people pretending they do; well, I just don’t buy it. It’s just the chance for a bit of celebrity rubber-necking, the old Princess Diana circus for chavs.
When she dies, it will be a shock, I’m sure. It will end an era in which we lived vicariously through a bunch of idiots in a house, or on a beach, or in a jungle for nearly a decade. This time around I think Jade could kill 'real' Big Brother, and maybe even reality TV itself. Davina’s cavorting will be harder to bear than ever when their anti-queen is dead, the queen that they built up, mocked, knocked down, and threw away. She took her money and ran, and still is, but it didn’t give her much else, did it?
This could even be the death of Heat. Who knows what power Jade yields. Watch this space. (Saying 'watch this space' is cool.)
PS: Grammar Nazi... how DO you pronounce cervical cancer? I keep hearing people going 'cervi-ick-al.' That aint right, is it?
In one of my first ever posts on this blog I wrote of Jade Goody 'I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.' Yet in the same post I wrote, 'I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron.' And I did, actually, until that thing that happened that we all know about, and which killed CBB for a year and made the whole country feel ashamed to be British.
When it was announced she first had cancer, like you, I thought 'yeah right.' The fact it was announced on Big brother India seemed highly cynical and designed to make us magically forget you know what; but something that seared into public consciousness never gets forgotten (does it, Jonathan Ross?)
But now it's serious. She really is dying (she must be right, still I feel doubtful, like it can't be true, is that awful?) at 27. You have to feel sorry for her; getting married to that plank of wood is bad enough for starters. He appeared emotionally and socially incontinent on CBB so the thought of him looking after her is quite terrifying. The fact he's tagged and has a curfew must be painful, too, come 7pm. Let’s hope she doesn’t leave the twonk a penny, even though he’ll gobble up some crumbs from the red tops.
And then there's all the other stuff, like, you know, dying. 27 is a pitiful age to die, even if it is the age of the rock star death. Jade’s no Kurt Cobain.
So on one side there’s the ‘good on her, making cash for her kids’ camp, and on the other ‘how undignified, isn’t she crass’ crowd. And the ‘oh I’ve been to the doctors for a smear test since’ gang. Well if it took Jade Goody to get you to look after your sexual health like that, I pity you. And in the middle is Max Clifford rubbing his hands together, innocent as a choir boy.
And yet I, who during CBB ’07 probably silently and not-so-silently wished Jade dead on a few occasions, feel nothing. I DID want her empire to crumble. I don’t like stupid people being celebrated as geniuses (hands up, Jordan), I don’t like people being ‘famous for being famous’ and I didn’t like Jade’s personality. That doesn’t mean I want her to die. But it doesn’t mean I care wholeheartedly. And people pretending they do; well, I just don’t buy it. It’s just the chance for a bit of celebrity rubber-necking, the old Princess Diana circus for chavs.
When she dies, it will be a shock, I’m sure. It will end an era in which we lived vicariously through a bunch of idiots in a house, or on a beach, or in a jungle for nearly a decade. This time around I think Jade could kill 'real' Big Brother, and maybe even reality TV itself. Davina’s cavorting will be harder to bear than ever when their anti-queen is dead, the queen that they built up, mocked, knocked down, and threw away. She took her money and ran, and still is, but it didn’t give her much else, did it?
This could even be the death of Heat. Who knows what power Jade yields. Watch this space. (Saying 'watch this space' is cool.)
PS: Grammar Nazi... how DO you pronounce cervical cancer? I keep hearing people going 'cervi-ick-al.' That aint right, is it?
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Charlie Brooker: Dead Set
Oh my God! I just watched the first episode of Dead Set (I was asleep by ten last night so had to get it on catch up) It was fucking ace!!! I literally cannot think of anything better than a mixture of Charlie Brooker and Big Brother (with zombies on top). That is perfection!
It started off all Ricky Gervais being postmodern in Extras-style with one of the contestants clearly too clever to be in there. The dialogue was SO Brooker. I could imagine him saying it, especially the mustachioed producer's lines. I thought Jamie Winstone was excellent, too. The zombies were dead scary!!! The special effects were a bit good, weren't they?
It was funny watching an imaginary Big Brother. That's how the casual BB observer must feel about the contestants; they are just vacant idiots. But we get to know and love (and hate) them! I loved the touch of having the ex-housemates in there (Charlie and Ash-LEEEN! in cahoots again) and I loved Davina going all zombie-nation, her acting wasn't too shabby.
I liked the touches of someone going 'remember I told you' and how the contestants are basically just stereotypes. I liked the balance being thrown out by the cameras packing up, and them not being protected or watched anymore.
The best bit was when Jamie Winstone went in the house and they went 'are you a mong?' and she told the Brian Molko one he was the favourite. That was fab.
I want to watch the second one but I'm too scared!!! It has to be done though.
I love Charlie Brooker and he's intelligent as fuck and he loves Big Brother and he hates nearly everything, and that's a good enough example of living for me.
It started off all Ricky Gervais being postmodern in Extras-style with one of the contestants clearly too clever to be in there. The dialogue was SO Brooker. I could imagine him saying it, especially the mustachioed producer's lines. I thought Jamie Winstone was excellent, too. The zombies were dead scary!!! The special effects were a bit good, weren't they?
It was funny watching an imaginary Big Brother. That's how the casual BB observer must feel about the contestants; they are just vacant idiots. But we get to know and love (and hate) them! I loved the touch of having the ex-housemates in there (Charlie and Ash-LEEEN! in cahoots again) and I loved Davina going all zombie-nation, her acting wasn't too shabby.
I liked the touches of someone going 'remember I told you' and how the contestants are basically just stereotypes. I liked the balance being thrown out by the cameras packing up, and them not being protected or watched anymore.
The best bit was when Jamie Winstone went in the house and they went 'are you a mong?' and she told the Brian Molko one he was the favourite. That was fab.
I want to watch the second one but I'm too scared!!! It has to be done though.
I love Charlie Brooker and he's intelligent as fuck and he loves Big Brother and he hates nearly everything, and that's a good enough example of living for me.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Big Brother 8: Ladies Night
That title is so lame. I apologise.
Well, it's my birthday today. And instead of being taken out to dinner, wined and dined (as if!) I decided to stay in and watch BB. Folly? Well...
I'd heard a rumour it was all girls but thought they'd never do it. It's like the Big Brother producers delight in pissing us off. Don't even get me started on that apology. They should have got that snivelling CEO dude to do it wo came out and told us we were all deluded for thinking Jade was a racist cuntrag. Anyway. Let's try and wipe that from our memories, just like her magazine deals.
I was annoyed it was all girls, for obvious reasons. It feels unfair. If they drip feed us men it's kind of boring. It will all be beefcakes shipped in to impress the chavs. The girls will be rampant by then. There might be sex. It's not exactly romantic, is it? It's like setting up rats in a lab.
So. A bunch of girls discussing fucking make up is not an appealing prospect. Hopefully we can get rid of half these girls quite sharpish. Even so, it's not the best start. My boyfriend is mildly amused that the girls are going to eat the man alive when he enters. But that's not what BB is about. It's more meddling. Yawn. I just want to see normal dynamics develop. (and a cute guy would not be too much to ask!)
On the plus side, the house is aesthetically pleasing. I'm pleased it's more comfy for them. The colours are quite cool. I like the topsy turvy stuff. And the diary room chair looks fab. But what the fuck is the point in the shared beds when it's all a bunch of women?
However. Despite my grumbles, some of the girls seem quite interesting. So here's my first impressions, insane though they may prove to be. And the order might not be right. I can't be expected to remember everything! It's my birthday!
Sam & Amanda: Said 'we're twins!' to everyone who came in. No shit. They are 18 and like pink. So fucking what. Not as amusing as Davina would have you believe. In fact, not amusing at all. They might be novel simpletons and nice and la la la but them just being twins isn't exciting enough for me. Drown them in the bath.
Lesley: What's the point? Is she the new Derek? The new Germaine Greer? She looked shit scared as a million leggy girls bounced through the door. I can't see her ripping it up. In fact I can see her scarpering. Why do they put people in like this? I suspect she's just another Dawn/ Sandy.
Charley: I don't really have a problem with people not working, fair play to them if they're happy with that. She seemed OKish, bit ballsy: the usual shallow nightclubbing WAG. Nice legs though.
Chanelle: Is this her real name? No. Is aspiring to be Posh interesting? No. Is she pretty? Yes. Do I care? No. Likely to hang with Charley, I think. She might be alright. I shant judge a book by it's cover at this stage.
Tracey: Well, we thought it was a geezer at last, but no. Kurt Cobain with breasts, 30-odd going on 60. Likes 'having it'. Fucking ravers! There's an anti-drug advert if ever there was one. Just grow up. I stopped wearing tie-dye when I was 14.
Shabnam: Amy Winehouse. I said it before Davina! Some cool clothes, interesting make up, I was endeared to her when she said 'please don't boo me, I'm fucking scared!' I think she's one of us. I hope so.
Emily: Peaches Geldof. Actually, she's prettier. I expect she'll have some cool clothes too. Might be a bit posh but it's not her fault. Described 'indie' as a new type of music. I thought she was going to say 'nu-rave'. Bet she likes the fucking Klaxons or the cunting Kooks. Still, pleased to have some indie kids in there. They might put some indie fellas in there soon. Skinny ones! (Now I need to grow up)
Laura: Beth Ditto! It's a proper cut-price NME bash. Welsh so inevitable comparison with Helen. Likes squash and food. I can't disagree. Might be a possible winner?
Nicky: Pretty, seemed a little dull at first, but had good manners when she went in. Seems quite a cool girl. Glad there are some people who seem half intelligent to slap these bimbos into shape. Makes a change.
Carole: So that's where Grotbags has been. Nice tash. Another unemployed person. Can hang with Tracey on the 'ugly hippy' step. Oh well, at least there will be two less at Glastonbury.
Well, it's my birthday today. And instead of being taken out to dinner, wined and dined (as if!) I decided to stay in and watch BB. Folly? Well...
I'd heard a rumour it was all girls but thought they'd never do it. It's like the Big Brother producers delight in pissing us off. Don't even get me started on that apology. They should have got that snivelling CEO dude to do it wo came out and told us we were all deluded for thinking Jade was a racist cuntrag. Anyway. Let's try and wipe that from our memories, just like her magazine deals.
I was annoyed it was all girls, for obvious reasons. It feels unfair. If they drip feed us men it's kind of boring. It will all be beefcakes shipped in to impress the chavs. The girls will be rampant by then. There might be sex. It's not exactly romantic, is it? It's like setting up rats in a lab.
So. A bunch of girls discussing fucking make up is not an appealing prospect. Hopefully we can get rid of half these girls quite sharpish. Even so, it's not the best start. My boyfriend is mildly amused that the girls are going to eat the man alive when he enters. But that's not what BB is about. It's more meddling. Yawn. I just want to see normal dynamics develop. (and a cute guy would not be too much to ask!)
On the plus side, the house is aesthetically pleasing. I'm pleased it's more comfy for them. The colours are quite cool. I like the topsy turvy stuff. And the diary room chair looks fab. But what the fuck is the point in the shared beds when it's all a bunch of women?
However. Despite my grumbles, some of the girls seem quite interesting. So here's my first impressions, insane though they may prove to be. And the order might not be right. I can't be expected to remember everything! It's my birthday!
Sam & Amanda: Said 'we're twins!' to everyone who came in. No shit. They are 18 and like pink. So fucking what. Not as amusing as Davina would have you believe. In fact, not amusing at all. They might be novel simpletons and nice and la la la but them just being twins isn't exciting enough for me. Drown them in the bath.
Lesley: What's the point? Is she the new Derek? The new Germaine Greer? She looked shit scared as a million leggy girls bounced through the door. I can't see her ripping it up. In fact I can see her scarpering. Why do they put people in like this? I suspect she's just another Dawn/ Sandy.
Charley: I don't really have a problem with people not working, fair play to them if they're happy with that. She seemed OKish, bit ballsy: the usual shallow nightclubbing WAG. Nice legs though.
Chanelle: Is this her real name? No. Is aspiring to be Posh interesting? No. Is she pretty? Yes. Do I care? No. Likely to hang with Charley, I think. She might be alright. I shant judge a book by it's cover at this stage.
Tracey: Well, we thought it was a geezer at last, but no. Kurt Cobain with breasts, 30-odd going on 60. Likes 'having it'. Fucking ravers! There's an anti-drug advert if ever there was one. Just grow up. I stopped wearing tie-dye when I was 14.
Shabnam: Amy Winehouse. I said it before Davina! Some cool clothes, interesting make up, I was endeared to her when she said 'please don't boo me, I'm fucking scared!' I think she's one of us. I hope so.
Emily: Peaches Geldof. Actually, she's prettier. I expect she'll have some cool clothes too. Might be a bit posh but it's not her fault. Described 'indie' as a new type of music. I thought she was going to say 'nu-rave'. Bet she likes the fucking Klaxons or the cunting Kooks. Still, pleased to have some indie kids in there. They might put some indie fellas in there soon. Skinny ones! (Now I need to grow up)
Laura: Beth Ditto! It's a proper cut-price NME bash. Welsh so inevitable comparison with Helen. Likes squash and food. I can't disagree. Might be a possible winner?
Nicky: Pretty, seemed a little dull at first, but had good manners when she went in. Seems quite a cool girl. Glad there are some people who seem half intelligent to slap these bimbos into shape. Makes a change.
Carole: So that's where Grotbags has been. Nice tash. Another unemployed person. Can hang with Tracey on the 'ugly hippy' step. Oh well, at least there will be two less at Glastonbury.
Saturday, 13 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Exit Leo
Leo's escape was one of the funniest things I've seen on TV. This angry little man, wrenching a lock off a door and taking on two burly bouncers: genius. Unfortunately for us, this means a Leo-less house. Davina came across as a prize cunt taking the piss out of him, he was a truly entertaining housemate, giving us 90% of the true belly laughs in the house. His snobbery about nominations was amazing as well, what a legend. His loss is going to be enormous, and Big Brother needs to engineer a bit fat shake up to bring anything resembling fun back to the show.
Carole going was a suprise to no one, and I was pleased to see the back of her after her snitching up of Shilpa when she found herself in the nominations firing line. Let's see how loyal she stays to Danielle et al now she has a newspaper editor on her back. I shant hold my breath.
The rise and rise of Jade in the house is disappointing to watch. All the females (bar Shilpa) are grovelling round her like she's the second coming (which she is, I suppose). Her attack on Dirk over the whisky was horrible, and I don't blame him for pouring it out. I'd have poured it over her fat froggy face. I hope she gets a big wake up call when she leaves. Unfortunately, (she shares Davina's agent for fuck's sake!) I don't think she will.
I've watched back the bit about Jack and I can't work out if he said 'paki'. I'd err more towards the side of yes he did, but I can't say for certain. If he did, and BB are letting it slide, shame on them.
Shame on them anyway for fucking everything up. They'd better pull their socks up come summer.
Carole going was a suprise to no one, and I was pleased to see the back of her after her snitching up of Shilpa when she found herself in the nominations firing line. Let's see how loyal she stays to Danielle et al now she has a newspaper editor on her back. I shant hold my breath.
The rise and rise of Jade in the house is disappointing to watch. All the females (bar Shilpa) are grovelling round her like she's the second coming (which she is, I suppose). Her attack on Dirk over the whisky was horrible, and I don't blame him for pouring it out. I'd have poured it over her fat froggy face. I hope she gets a big wake up call when she leaves. Unfortunately, (she shares Davina's agent for fuck's sake!) I don't think she will.
I've watched back the bit about Jack and I can't work out if he said 'paki'. I'd err more towards the side of yes he did, but I can't say for certain. If he did, and BB are letting it slide, shame on them.
Shame on them anyway for fucking everything up. They'd better pull their socks up come summer.
Thursday, 4 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The Entrance
They teased us with The Hoff. They tempted us with Kilroy. They name-dropped that antique-dealer tranny freak like Courtney Love name-drops Mel Gibson and Prince Andrew. They whispered rat-boy Federline's name into our ear-holes. And what did we get instead?
Someone's girlfriend. Someone's brother. The one man in Britain who makes Pete Doherty seem like a decent houseguest. OK, I shouldn't complain about that. He might prove fun if he stops being such a cliche. (have you HEARD the single of his, though? Truly awful.)
But I definitely felt cheated watching BB last night. I felt cheated watching the live feed and seeing Tourette boy chatting with H from Steps (did he REALLY only just come out? I feel like I've known he was gay since I was about 16.) Where's the other indie totty? Or even just any man aged between 20 and 40 who's even midly easy on the eye? The boys have got a few young bits of fluff to ogle. We get A PISSED UP TRAMP! Grrr! Davina, Queen of Chavs, you sold us out.
Even worse, there are too many old folk in there. OK, a journalist may stir things up, especially that Madge/Heather hating old boot. The film director looks fun for a bit, but can you see him doing an obstacle course through chicken guts? Dancing to Jackson 5 hits for an all-night stint? Nah, me neither.
Dunno why I'm fussed: I never like Celeb BB anyway. I much prefer getting to know non-entities. I just don't want to get to know celeb non-entities.
But I WILL! Of course I will. And I'll like it! Eventually.
Someone's girlfriend. Someone's brother. The one man in Britain who makes Pete Doherty seem like a decent houseguest. OK, I shouldn't complain about that. He might prove fun if he stops being such a cliche. (have you HEARD the single of his, though? Truly awful.)
But I definitely felt cheated watching BB last night. I felt cheated watching the live feed and seeing Tourette boy chatting with H from Steps (did he REALLY only just come out? I feel like I've known he was gay since I was about 16.) Where's the other indie totty? Or even just any man aged between 20 and 40 who's even midly easy on the eye? The boys have got a few young bits of fluff to ogle. We get A PISSED UP TRAMP! Grrr! Davina, Queen of Chavs, you sold us out.
Even worse, there are too many old folk in there. OK, a journalist may stir things up, especially that Madge/Heather hating old boot. The film director looks fun for a bit, but can you see him doing an obstacle course through chicken guts? Dancing to Jackson 5 hits for an all-night stint? Nah, me neither.
Dunno why I'm fussed: I never like Celeb BB anyway. I much prefer getting to know non-entities. I just don't want to get to know celeb non-entities.
But I WILL! Of course I will. And I'll like it! Eventually.
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