Sky Living: Jade changed my life

Well, not mine, but maybe Jack Tweed's. Temporarily.
Sorry I'm a day late on this but I don't have Sky Living so I had to watch it round a friends (pft, as if I've got friends, I just got it on a torrent). Anyway, it's here now, the publicity machine keeps spinning, long after she's dead. There they all are, the mum, Jack, Jeff, all at war, but all united by their love of Jade and her massive gob. Could any tribute be as heartfelt as Russell Brand's sweet-but-weird eulogy to Jade in Booky Wook? Well, Jack Tweed's funeral poem comes a close second, but that goes without saying.
Max Clifford! How is that Asian murder-in-South-Africa suspect doing, Max? Who WOULD play Jade in the film of her life?
I like Jeff, he seems like the very definition of 'a nice guy', unlike Jack, an attractive plank with a serious personality disorder. I don't think it would be too harsh to say he's semi-retarded (except to people with genuine disabilities). His own mother would probably agree, and is partly responsible. Who could forget Jack's star turn on Big Brother, where the only thing he did of note was to call Shilpa Shetty a 'cunt' under the covers? Never forget!
This documentary has told me nothing I didn't know so far. I think it's a bit much for that person to say if she'd been treated earlier she'd have survived, you can't know that and it's not that helpful to say it (unless it's to make others seek treatment earlier).
Watching Jack trying to process his feelings of grief is like watching a toaster trying to perform open-heart surgery. An admirable struggle, but it's never going to really get off the ground. Bless.
That wedding was harrowing viewing at the time (I watched it after a long night that didn't end well). She was brave- and dare I say it- beautiful.
I think Jack Tweed did love Jade, he just doesn't really know how to process language or emotions. I do feel sorry for him, because no one should have to go through that at his age, or any age, ideally.
The funeral circus was stupid, but no worse than the Royal madness waiting for us next month. At least Jade meant something to some people, unlike that stilted pair of robots.
I don't blame Jeff for whipping the boys away and not subjecting him to that whole thing. He seems extremely sensible and quite wise, actually. I like the fact he's not selling the children down the river, although I understand why Jade did it, too.
It is sad Jack can't see the kids anymore, but he made his own bed, really, and I think Jeff has their best interests at heart. It must be hard for Jack who helped bring them up, but it's a very difficult situation, with several extenuating circumstances (one involving a golf club and a taxi driver).
Jesus, Jack's only 23 now. He's a baby. I do feel for Jade's mum because Jade was more of a mum to her than anything else. She must be lost without her.
It was nice seeing her friends too, and that they're keeping her memory alive. I hope I would be celebrated in death and not just moped over.
PS. Jeff is getting kind of hotter with old age, no?
This show made me pine for Big Brother. What is happening to the C5 bid? What have we got to look forward to in the summer? And more importantly, how am I going to get any traffic to my blog without it?

Jade: As Seen on TV

The last time I wrote about Jade, she was alive. After that I watched her wedding, which was riveting TV; tense, sad, calculating, moving. It was her final job, really. Oddly, she was about the only one holding things together that day.
Then there was the overblown funeral (not forgetting Jack's poem) but after that, it seemed to go pretty quiet. Maybe it's because Jack was in prison (hanging with Boy George) and Jeff (wisely) flew away. But there seemed to be few pickings for the vultures. So here we are (just in time for the new series of BB, and there's an advert for BB, how convenient!).
Why was Jade the most successful Big Brother contestant? I dunno. Because she was stupid, bawdy, silly, funny? Because she was a contradiction?
Hmm, don't know if Patsy Palmer is great doing the voiceover, she doesn't exactly have the most pleasant voice. But maybe that's the point.
What's Rod Liddle pontificating about Jade for? At least she was honest, even if she was common as muck. It was weird seeing all those old clips of her; just how big she got before the whole race hate.
Interesting to see how they dressed up all that. It still made my stomach curl up in a ball; even now. I will never forget how Big Brother tried to protect her; she didn't deserve it. Her whole exit interview was primed, scripted, pre-prepared. And that's not what Big Brother was about. Miranda Sawyer does herself a disservice by saying 'when you are angry you'll say anything' because I (and many others, I suspect) wouldn't say something racist under ANY circumstances.
Yet weird see Gordon Brown condemning her then; he couldn't even get her name right when she died, but instead said he was sorry about 'Jane Goody'. Doh.
I learnt bugger all from this, it was just the last bit of gold from the (dead) goose.
I wonder what that PJ wanker is up to now? They didn't have him talking about her I noticed. Funny old world.
Will there ever be another Jade? No. Big Brother is nearly on it's last legs too; it's the end of an era. And all we can do is watch (or not).

Jade Goody: Kill Your Television

A long time ago one of best friends told me to start writing a blog. And so I did, right as Celebrity Big Brother 2007 kicked off (but before it kicked off). How detrimental writing this blog has been to my 'real' writing, I don't know. But there's always another way to waste time, and this is one of the better ones, at least it involves words. And so it continues.
In one of my first ever posts on this blog I wrote of Jade Goody 'I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.' Yet in the same post I wrote, 'I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron.' And I did, actually, until that thing that happened that we all know about, and which killed CBB for a year and made the whole country feel ashamed to be British.
When it was announced she first had cancer, like you, I thought 'yeah right.' The fact it was announced on Big brother India seemed highly cynical and designed to make us magically forget you know what; but something that seared into public consciousness never gets forgotten (does it, Jonathan Ross?)
But now it's serious. She really is dying (she must be right, still I feel doubtful, like it can't be true, is that awful?) at 27. You have to feel sorry for her; getting married to that plank of wood is bad enough for starters. He appeared emotionally and socially incontinent on CBB so the thought of him looking after her is quite terrifying. The fact he's tagged and has a curfew must be painful, too, come 7pm. Let’s hope she doesn’t leave the twonk a penny, even though he’ll gobble up some crumbs from the red tops.
And then there's all the other stuff, like, you know, dying. 27 is a pitiful age to die, even if it is the age of the rock star death. Jade’s no Kurt Cobain.
So on one side there’s the ‘good on her, making cash for her kids’ camp, and on the other ‘how undignified, isn’t she crass’ crowd. And the ‘oh I’ve been to the doctors for a smear test since’ gang. Well if it took Jade Goody to get you to look after your sexual health like that, I pity you. And in the middle is Max Clifford rubbing his hands together, innocent as a choir boy.
And yet I, who during CBB ’07 probably silently and not-so-silently wished Jade dead on a few occasions, feel nothing. I DID want her empire to crumble. I don’t like stupid people being celebrated as geniuses (hands up, Jordan), I don’t like people being ‘famous for being famous’ and I didn’t like Jade’s personality. That doesn’t mean I want her to die. But it doesn’t mean I care wholeheartedly. And people pretending they do; well, I just don’t buy it. It’s just the chance for a bit of celebrity rubber-necking, the old Princess Diana circus for chavs.
When she dies, it will be a shock, I’m sure. It will end an era in which we lived vicariously through a bunch of idiots in a house, or on a beach, or in a jungle for nearly a decade. This time around I think Jade could kill 'real' Big Brother, and maybe even reality TV itself. Davina’s cavorting will be harder to bear than ever when their anti-queen is dead, the queen that they built up, mocked, knocked down, and threw away. She took her money and ran, and still is, but it didn’t give her much else, did it?
This could even be the death of Heat. Who knows what power Jade yields. Watch this space. (Saying 'watch this space' is cool.)
PS: Grammar Nazi... how DO you pronounce cervical cancer? I keep hearing people going 'cervi-ick-al.' That aint right, is it?

Celebrity Round-up

I'm listening to the new Arcade Fire album (which is shit so far) and TV is uninspiring lately (even Freaky Eaters sucks- aren't they meant to CURE them?) so I'm just going to rant about the world of zelebrity.
I read today that Kate Moss and Jade Goody have been nominated for Mother of the Year. I personally could not think of two worse mothers (except maybe Britney, but she's mental, which is a better excuse.) Jade Goody does not give a fuck about her kids. Kate Moss doesn't give a fuck either, or she couldn't go out with the crackhead. Simple as that. its not even a choice. It would just be a no, wouldn't it? Who the fuck votes for these things? Didn't Kerry Katona win it once too? At least she primarily looks after them, I suppose. Even if she has married that clearly-psychotic crow-faced control freak. I give that six months. In fact, he might even kill her. He's took her phone off her so her friends have to go through him! Eep. That's the sound of several alarm bells. Take heed, Katona, you coke-headed chavtopus.
Britney is just too boring now really: one thing I will say is just STOP IT to all these people who keep saying they 'feel sorry for her'. I couldn't feel less sorry. Does Britney have to get up at 7.30am? Does Britney have to buy clothes for a tenner and get her hair cut by students? Does Britney live in a box in Holloway? Britney is stupid. It is her stupidity that has made her ill. She will either die or get better. Ho hum.
You can tell I've been reading too much OK/ Heat because I'm really fucked off with Danielle Lloyd as well. How come Jo O Meara is (still) rocking back and forth in a padded cell and Danielle is on the front of OK getting her hair and make up done? They were both equally culpable. I don't give a fuck about Danielle's fashion line or her love life. She is scum. Fuck off. As for Jo, for god's sake, give it a break. It wasn't 'editing'. You're a cunt. Deal with it somewhere else.
This Arcade Fire album is still crap. Glad I didn't buy it. Basically the only good song they have is Power Out. Oh alright, and the 'hiding from your brothers' one.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Lowlights

Saturday night showings of Big Brother are always something of an anti-climax. With the eviction over, they show a lot of stuff you've already seen, and a lot of other stuff that already feels miles out of date. The Saturday night live task used to liven things up a little, but I think I may be showing my age here.
So was Jack the Plank upset that Gobby had gone? It was hard to tell from his facial expression, as it has remained unchanged since day one. Danielle and Jo were upset, but only for their own skins, as it is becoming ever more obvious who's side the public are on. Did I feel sorry for Jade? Of course not. She'll rise from the ashes, because however stupid and coarse she is, there's aways someone stupider and coarser who will want to be her.
Shilpa continues to grow in strength like an impossibly good-looking cartoon character, air-brushed to perfection. Her shit is probably made of gold. What hope do the others have up against her? Cleo's death mask is definitely cracking.
Where do we go from here? Household harmony? Will we be missing Jade by Tuesday? Surely not.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya

Well, what do you know? Davina handled that interview... wait for it... well! Wonders will never cease! She actually gave Jade a hard time! Hurrah!She mentioned the bullying as well as the racism and said 'you only apologised after Big Brother told you to'. Haha!
All the making up stuff on the highlights was clearly engineered and not worth mentioning. We're not THAT stupid, Big Bro.
Personally I feel cheated there was no baying mob, but I guess it could have got out of control. Jade just talked rubbish to try and wiggle out of it, but she did look quite devastated. I'm sure she was only worried for her own skin though. I sincerely hope her career goes down the pan but I'm sure she'll make a few more squid out of it yet. I think she's ignorant rather than truly racist, and lets not forget her hench-women. I hope they get an equal grilling when they leave. I will never forgive them for the laughter when Jade was ripping a strip of Shilpa. Supreme cowardice.
So will Jack the Plank come out of his shell now she's gone? Don't count on it. Let's hope he tries to cop off with Danielle or something. Anything!
Can we get back to normal Big Brother stuff now?
PS. We are watching BBBM and my boyfriend just said 'I think Carole Malone is quite attractive. She has nice eyes.'
:-0

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Your Mother Would Be Proud

Well, well. When Big Brother makes people riot in the streets thousands of miles away, you know something big is going down. Someone posted on digital spy today 'Jade starts World War Three'. It could happen yet.
WHY won't Big Brother kick Jade out? What DOES she have to do? Stick Shilpa's head in the oven? Knock out Jermaine Jackson? Say PAKI? Just fucking say it, you disgusting bitch so we can be rid of you.
JUST KICK HER THE FUCK OUT! Big Brother could have stamped on this days ago. Fair enough give her enough rope to hang herself, but she's got enough rope to rock climb to India (or some other ethnic region of her choice).
Tonights episode literally made me shake with anger. My boyfriend who is less sensitive about these things, merely labelled it 'depressing'. Laughs are most certainly not-aplenty in the house.
On top of this misery/heart-attack fest I watched about thirty minutes of this:
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4936469193113672645 tonight, none of which was on the highlights. Truly disturbing viewing. Jade is extremely disturbed. No amount of OK covers can gloss over this extent of damage. She is rotten to the core.
I genuinely cannot think of words harsh enough to describe my hatred for this woman. She is the most horrible, ugly, cretinous, thick, bitter, unpleasant, RACIST, bullying CUNT on the face of this earth. If I saw her in the street, I'd spit on her.
Danielle and Jo are no better. Laughing at a scene which made me feel physically sick will hopefully be their epitaph. What a sick pair. Jack is scum. Cleo is the most pathetic, unsupportive sack-of-shit on earth. Her frozen face offering not one word of encouragement in the face of good vs evil. Shame on her.
Calling in Danielle about her 'Shilpa should go home' comment was too little too late. And the patronising 'have you learnt your lesson?' PLEASE!
Is Big Brother scared of Jade? Everyone else is. Jermaine is. Dirk is. Probably the Tweedy Plank is. This woman is a MOTHER. God HELP US! Come, come nuclear BOMB. Turn your radiators up. Let's melt the fucking ice caps. We're DOOMED!
More than anything, I felt ashamed tonight. Ashamed that Shilpa thinks Jade is ANY reflection on Britain. Britain has a thriving music scene, some great telly, and a few good writers. We have a lot to be proud of. British people are funny, cynical, intelligent. London is the most multi-cultural, open-minded city I know of. I feel proud of that.
Why can't Channel 4 make a stand and kick the four of them out? It would appease so many people. But it's all about the money, isn't it? Never mind the reputation of an entire country, or the sanity of a 31 year old woman.
It's not a 'cultural' thing. It's plain wrong verses right. For fuck's sake. WAKE UP. I'm disgusted by the whole thing. Disgusted, and addicted.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Bones

I really pray that BB has got something BIG up his sleeve to punish the three witches. As Big Brother has finally admitted some responsibility for the borderline racism in the house, it needs to sort things out fast. Jermaine has put his finger on it: now if only he'd step up and make his feelings known to the chavalanche.
Tonight the bullying continued. They don't lift a finger then moan when their dinner isn't served on the hour. No idea why Shilpa chucked bones down the loo (she does border on the eccentric at times) but Jack's suggestion she picked them out with her teeth was plain nasty. Danielle's look of death was truly terrifying, bringing back memories of girls who were good at PE at school and now have three babies- haha. Mind you, this girl has to shag an old man for money, so I should take pity really. Her worrying about getting her tits out on the assault course was a bit like Russell Brand worrying that his hair is a little large whilst presenting Big Mouth. Your tits are your bread and butter, darling! Just make sure you keep your fucking mouth shut when you get out of the house, you spiteful little harridan.
Jo: 'everything she does annoys me'. Is that why you have have that Pat-Butcher-alike-ex-con-chewing-a-wasp look on your face from morning to night? She must smell like an ashtray as well.
All in all: they could drop a nuclear bomb on the house at the moment and the atmosphere would probably improve.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Exit Leo

Leo's escape was one of the funniest things I've seen on TV. This angry little man, wrenching a lock off a door and taking on two burly bouncers: genius. Unfortunately for us, this means a Leo-less house. Davina came across as a prize cunt taking the piss out of him, he was a truly entertaining housemate, giving us 90% of the true belly laughs in the house. His snobbery about nominations was amazing as well, what a legend. His loss is going to be enormous, and Big Brother needs to engineer a bit fat shake up to bring anything resembling fun back to the show.
Carole going was a suprise to no one, and I was pleased to see the back of her after her snitching up of Shilpa when she found herself in the nominations firing line. Let's see how loyal she stays to Danielle et al now she has a newspaper editor on her back. I shant hold my breath.
The rise and rise of Jade in the house is disappointing to watch. All the females (bar Shilpa) are grovelling round her like she's the second coming (which she is, I suppose). Her attack on Dirk over the whisky was horrible, and I don't blame him for pouring it out. I'd have poured it over her fat froggy face. I hope she gets a big wake up call when she leaves. Unfortunately, (she shares Davina's agent for fuck's sake!) I don't think she will.
I've watched back the bit about Jack and I can't work out if he said 'paki'. I'd err more towards the side of yes he did, but I can't say for certain. If he did, and BB are letting it slide, shame on them.
Shame on them anyway for fucking everything up. They'd better pull their socks up come summer.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Letting Go

Dirk made a speech tonight, basically encapsulating the age old cliche 'if you love them, let them go'. It was probably the most profound thing I've ever heard in the Big Brother house. Well either that or Leo talking about having a wank.
So Jackiey left. Everyone over-reacted wonderfully except Dirk who said it like it was: 'she was a mean-spirited woman.' Not only that, she lumbered around the house like Quasimodo. Dirk keeps telling it like it is! No wonder he's up for nomination. I lost respect for Cleo when she harped on about how 'amazing' Jackiey was. 'Please tell us she got some shoes!' No they just threw her out on a gravelly street without so much as her bus fare home, you muppet. Carole was more on the the money when she described her as 'sub-normal'.
Please, please, please don't vote Leo out, people! His ramblings about 'Celebrity' with a capital c are amazing. It was a little cruel when they all walked off when he came to sit down. He's like Gollum in a hoodie and a wig. He's a menace to society. Hurrah!
Rather like Jack, my boyfriend hates Shilpa, but I'm still on the side of poise over chavilry. Why DID Jack say he hated Shilpa? Why DID Jade tell him to shut up? Due to the editing machine, we shall probably never know. But I'm guessing 'cos he fancies her' and 'cos of OK magazine.'

*just went on the messageboards and talk is Jack called Shilpa a 'paki'. Would explain Jade's reaction, I suppose. IF he did, Big Brother: please chuck him out. They've already said casual racism is OK with the championing of Jackiey. Let's not encourage it further.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Skidaddle

So Ken skidaddled. And who can blame him? Although Jade was actually in the right during that argument, Ken was playing up to it. I do feel sorry for Jade: a mute boyfriend, the mother from hell. Her grandparents were alright though, if completely pointless. I wouldn't care about Morrissey's grandparents, so why should I give a shit about Jade's? It was cute when they were in the diary room though, I bet Jade couldn't have envisaged that three years ago. She's clearly struggling though. She needs some emotional support.
Even so, she's ruined the show, so burn her!
Leo's slating of the older Goodys for being common was horrible; his gameplan is unravelling as fast as his wig. Dirk is proving to be the dark horse, I'd feel comfortable putting a fiver on him if it wasn't for those meddling kids (the Big Brother producers). I also like Cleo, but we haven't really got to know her. We haven't really got to know anyone, thanks to the rubbish task. Apparently BB has lost 4 million viewers. I'm not surprised.
Put them back together. Let the sparks fly.
PS. Are Jade and her boyfriend even shagging? They don't even seem to know each other very well, or like each other. There's no passion, or laughing, or flirting, or arguing, or even conversation.
Pretty boys are alright for a while, but if he's got nothing upstairs, what's the point? I wonder what's in it for him, sitting on telly with three generations of Goodys. Where will he be this time next year? I wouldn't put any money on him joining the clan. In fact, I think he might take his blood money very soon... and run.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Oh Mother

Big Brother has well and truly hit the skids. Ken has now walked. Tonights show was a big, unhappy mess. True, it was entertaining at times. But God. Jade's family has taken over the show (except the mute boyfriend, of course). Jade's mum is the scummiest person on Earth, let's be honest. Her non-remembering of Shilpa's name is pathetic. She is agressive and an ugly person. I felt for Jade, who seems reasonably sensible by comparison. Her questioning of Jermaine about Michael was amazingly good TV. To have no social boundaries makes for interesting telly, but bad living conditions. Really, stupidity is reigning in the BB house at the moment, and anyone with an ounce of sense is just being tied up in knots by the shouty Goodys.
Leo Sayer's vow of silence was amusing. Long may it continue. What a knob-end he is.
The divide has made the show miserable to watch. Just put the two groups back together and let Carol/ Jo/ whoever tear a strip off Jackiey. My God, it feels wrong to spell it like that.