Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Double eviction - deadwood cleared out

Double eviction! Get Speidi out chant from the mob. I just voted to save Rylan and Speidi. I just watched a bit of The Hills before Spencer even joined the show and Heidi was being an arsehole, so that's my research complete. At least she looked like a humanoid, though.
Ooh, the snow looks quite nice. Eastenders would pay the big bucks for that.
Toadie is being a grump about Rylan waking him up in the night. 'I know you're having a ball' means 'I'm not having a ball so STFU.' Spencer sarcastically: 'he's here for the experience.' Haha. Yeah, just like you are. They are ALL THERE for the cheque. I haven't liked Toadfish from day one, he's so sanctimonious. I don't feel sorry for him when he's crying. I don't feel sorry for him when he didn't get his letter. I don't think he's a big man for 'saying it to their face'. I just think he's a moaning old whingebag. I thought he'd be funny, laid back, chilled. He's just a dullard. So I guess that makes him a good actor, because from what I can remember, Toadfish was likeable.
Spencer is stirring the pot. He's got his grey teacher fleece on today. He's playing the game well. Toadie is going from group to group, carping. Haha, Tricia going 'Thanks, Spence.' What a mug! It's him who stopped you getting the letters in the first place. When Spencer's trying to play the nice guy, you know you're in trouble. Check your back for knives.
Ooh, Paula's back! I think Paula and Rylan will make a good team critiquing the others fashion. Spencer's not going to like someone commenting on Heidi's clothes, I saw him nearly punch someone for that on The Hills. Rylan said Spencer was dressed for 'a country walk with the dogs.' Ryan is NOT worse dressed than Spencer. I like Ryan's swallow t-shirt.
I like it on Big Brother US when they have to do a quick shopping spree by putting all the clothes on at once and they have to say how much they like all the different brands. They haven't done that for a while, actually.
Rylan's hair seems to have gone off the boil the past couple of days. I'm liking Tricia's hot pink heels. I like the fact they have to give Spontag champagne to make them participate in a task. Light pink isn't Tricia's colour, I'm afraid. Aw, was quite nice to give mad Paula her moment of glory. She probably did well to get out when she did - Spontag at full throttle would have probably sent her to the nearest crackhouse. Let's face it, we've all considered it.
First eviction! I have NO IDEA who is going. That's unusual. Frankie's always got sweaty armpits. Heidi's waving like the queen. Toadie's shocked to get boos. Ooh, Frankie's out! That's what you get for trying to blend into the furniture. You could have been a really great housemate. He looks thrilled to be leaving, to be honest. Aw, was cute when he jumped on Razor's back. I personally like Frankie better than everyone in that house bar Rylan and Spontag (in their own way).
I like Frankie's furry collar. Oh he's moaning about being bored in the house. Boo woo. How much did you get paid for it? Enough to go have a good evening or two, let's put it that way.
Frankie: 'I kept away from the friction.' No kidding.
Why are they showing Frankie Spontag's highlights? 'Dick-tator' still makes me laugh. Kind of a bad buzz showing Frankie those clips. I was glad Brian dug Frankie out for fencesitting a bit, but I feel a bit sorry for Frankie that he didn't get the cosy experience he was expecting. In another year he could probably have won it, he's a lot nicer than Paddy Doherty, Denise Welch or Ulrika.
Frankie's getting good music for his highlights; Mr. Brightside. Should have been Karma Chameleon. Now you see him, now you don't!
LOL, Frankie wants Razor out next so he can have a drink with him. That's pretty funny. I think he just wants Razor because he's useful for chopping up cocaine.
Is Heidi drunk? She loves Paula and Spencer 'infinitely'. Love isn't about sacrificing things for someone. 'I want to beam you right up into my something.' Goodness me!
Toadie's dancing: amaze. What the hell is this music! Heidi's doing her naughty dancing again.
Stop press, Spencer in the DR alone! Where's Heidi?! In the loo? Oh, hovering outside. Bragging about his sex life. Eww. I wish I was as much of a fun drunk as Heidi. She's frisky after almost a decade of teacher fleeces.
Jenny Powell doing the Health Lottery tonight. Did you know she's a stand up comedian now? That's not even a joke.
Ryan is pissed off he's getting boos. Haha. Hope he's out next. Oh, it's Tricia. Well, that's about a week overdue. Second favourite to win, my arse. She couldn't even win a 'spot the 20th most famous person to ever come out of Heartbeat' competition.
Is Brian saying he wanted her to be more like Denise? Does he mean stripping off? Why is Brian digging everyone out tonight? Bet he doesn't dare dig out Spontag. What's Spencer's eviction outfit going to be? What's the poshest brand of fleece you can buy?
Is Tricia so stupid that she thinks Heidi and Spencer aren't entertaining?
Brian said 'they actually have us gripped watching the show.' But it sounded like he said 'they actually have a script during the show.'
To be fair, Tricia did have a go at Spontag a couple of times, barely, but more than say, Frankie did. Brian: 'why didn't you have a go at them more?' Why didn't you put more interesting housemates in there? Oh god, 'we're mums' - put a sock in it.
I thought Brian was a bit snarky with Tricia. Mind you, if the best she had was her Cilla Black impression, then there's the door, see you later. How much do you think they paid her? I reckon about ten grand.
Two floaters out tonight; where will the ship sail to tomorrow? Whatever happens, you know Captain Rylan's got this in the bag. I fucking hope so anyway. Spontag for second place. The rest can go spin.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: There's no boundaries to being an arsehole

They're having a laugh starting the show with a shot of Rylan screaming 'get me out of this 'ouse!' aren't they? Pisstakers.
Guess what, Toadie, you ARE at work right now, too. You're not sitting in the Big Brother house for fun, are you? You're they're for the cheque, just like them. Get down off your high horse, Frankie needs it back.
Spencer, if they all died in the house, I don't think you'd be invited to the funeral, never fear. Nice of you to put that idea out there, though. Tasteful. Spencer should have 'there are no boundaries to being an arsehole' chiselled into his gravestone.
I don't like that bad feeling Spencer and Heidi create around tasks. I feel sorry for the other housemates having to live in that bad atmosphere. They are ruining the others' experience. Stag and hen parties are against their beliefs. Hen parties are against my beliefs, too. I'd rather drink paint stripper. Spontag should be up on a warning for their insubordinate behaviour. They're coming across like a pair of old trouts.
I like the notion of a 'special gender stereotype busting obstacle course.'
LOL to Rylan: 'who you talking to?' Toadie: 'Your mum.' Rylan: ''Ow is she?' 
Spontag are cutting off their nose to spite their face(s), because when they did take part in tasks, they enjoyed them (you know, apart from the sexist ones). They enjoyed that silly eating one, didn't they?
I would be good at a sweating task, I'm dead sweaty. I used to have to use that special deodorant for your hands when I had an exam at school or my pen would all smudge. TMI? Hey, some people like clammy women. I'm not AS clammy as that now, but you still wouldn't want to shake my hand on a hot day *subtly wipes palms on clothes*
Everyone should have clapped when Spencer and Heidi's bed were removed and seen how they liked it. At least Rylan and Toadie laughed, everyone else cleared the room as fast as if Razor had just taken all his clothes off.
Oh God, someone's touched Spencer's teacher fleeces and Heidi's bras. CONTAMINATION.
I do find it interesting how split people are on Rylan and Heidi and Spencer. Even I flip flop on Spontag, I loved it when they were flipping the bird in the basement but they've just been dour for two days and I'm tired of it. They need to change up their act.
Heidi: 'I wish we did the task.' Ner ner. Spencer likes sleeping on the floor better. 'Dumb and dumber... self saboteurs.' At least he's self-effacing for once. Followed by a good one liner from Rylan about not wanting to get stuck with 'Happy and Happier'.
Aw to Claire and Tricia giving Spontag more cushions for their nest. I'd smother the cunts in their sleep.
Razor is trying to be 'the comedy guy' at the moment. That slot is already taken. I wouldn't drink out of a straw shaped like a penis on principle.
Spencer needs a haircut, a shave and a lobotomy. How can she fancy him? It MUST be mind control.
Ha, I knew they'd get their letters from home anyway! What bullshit.
HA to Heidi going 'God bless you' when Tricia sneezed. When did she get some manners?
The women are getting their letters, the men are not. Solidarity times are over. Aw, Frankie cuddling Toadie was cute. Perhaps we'd care about them more if they'd been shown more.
Oh, Razor gets his letter because he joined the girls. Rylan's got fake tan tear streaks. Why is he dressed as a pilot?
Razor's crying, Toadie's crying, is Spencer crying? Of course fucking not, are you mad? Oh shut up, Razor with your 'grow men cry' disclaimer, aren't you meant to be a girl today?
I don't know what Toadie's so upset about, we all know what his letter from home would have said:  'G'day cobber, we're having a barbie, missing you, you great gala, love Sheila.' Why is he so desperate to hear from Paul Robinson anyway? Don't it make you feel good?
I think Spontag want a drink, don't you? I've never seen two people run to a fridge so fast.
Do you really believe Spontag thought they were going to be separated for days? 'The clap was misinterpreted.' I think it was, actually. Why does Tricia WANT to cuddle them? I'd rather cuddle a rattlesnake.
They have apologised, Toadie, Heidi said 'sorry for everything'. Can't you accept that? Hahahahaha! Frankie 'just drop it.' Oh Frankie, you're a disappointment of a man. Toadie is right to still have beef. Forever beef after the way that pair have behaved. OH, Toadie's got the arsehole cos the girls got their letter, NOT because he's sad about not getting his letter. I wouldn't have been upset that night, I don't think. I think they made their point the day before. He's being a bit grumpy now and it's not very endearing. Mind you, what's new?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Paid to be pricks

Well it's been an eventful day in Big Brother land. There was a fuss on Twitter about Luke A having fake followers (not bothered) and Kaff went on The Wright Stuff and declared Rylan had been leaving the house to rehearse for the X Factor. Now THAT'S a shocker. Obviously this is totally unacceptable, and BB are already trying to wriggle out of it. It makes me sad because the very premise of Big Brother is no contact with the outside world. Remember that? It explains the lack of live feed, though, doesn't it? God knows what they're all doing every night, probably on their mobiles and laptops talking to their agents, if not leaving to go down Waitrose or Sugar Hut. I do feel like it's the final insult to us as viewers, in what has been a very distorted series of Big Brother indeed. As we got snowed in today we decided to do a 'breaking news' podcast on the scandal, check it out here, if you're hard up between now and BOTS.
Spencer's rocking a minty green teacher fleece today, with a khaki green shirt. Ha, Spencer is going to always appreciate 'minorities'. Everyone is against you because since the moment you've walked in that house you've acted like a gigantic penis.
Tricia's finally getting some airtime! So I heard Tricia was favourite to win today. Bullshit. Even if Rylan's votes halved after rehearsal gate, he'd still get twice as many as the others.
Tricia put herself second from the highest in the 'letter from home' task. Apparently you only want to hear from your family if you've got kids. What about if you have a much loved partner? A dying mother? A best friend? Nah, they don't count.
Should have known BB would turn that task on it's head. They should have learnt by now. Spontag already plotting to foil the task, but they look a bit twitchy about it.
Who would send Spencer and Heidi a 'letter from home'? Their agent? Their plastic surgeon (oh no, I think he died). Their Pomeranians? Rylan should dig Spencer and Heidi out about the hand job issue. Put 'em on the backfoot!
It's extra evil that Spontag are going to fuck up this task after Rylan shaves his beard off. Ha, and Spontag are pouring on the blackmail: 'don't let him do it'. I don't think that was 50% of Rylan's facial hair. I'd say it was about 30%. I'd find it hard to sit there and be such a cunt as them all the time. I don't think I could keep it up.
You can see Claire is ready to KILL Spontag. Of course Spencer and Heidi aren't going to split up (for two hours - honestly, you think they'd be sick of each other). Ironically, she NEEDS a restraining order against this bastard. Spontag are actually emotionally abusing their housemates now. I don't like Claire, but that was unnecessary. If they said 'it's only a game' to me, I'd be close to punching them, seriously. I feel like they've crossed the line. They are actually winding me up now, and I've been championing them for weeks.
At least Rylan IS digging them out. I don't blame him for flipping, if I was in that situation, I would go fucking mental, I would flip my lid and be out on my arse.
Thank God this pair aren't having children, because their gene pool is rotten. No you wouldn't do the show if you had kids because YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE KIDS, HEIDI, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING BRAINWASHED. Argh, I don't know why this is bugging me so much. It's really getting my goat. Don't get me wrong, I can't STAND Claire, it's not about that, or kids either, it's just about their lack of basic humanity. Toadie never had a former identity as Ryan so that was hardly a stretch for him to give up for a task. I kind of liked that moment where Rylan and Claire looked at eachother and he said, 'smile'; it was like a real moment of friendship. Spontag are poison, plain and simple. They'll never be happy, they're just damaged as fuck. Is it really funny to upset people like that? And for everyone going 'oh they've been demonised since the beginning' it's because they couldn't even be bothered to get of their 5,000 dollar arses and say hello! They don't even have the basic manners chip.
I will say one thing; Spencer is right in that he didn't pick the order, though he can hardly blame Tricia for putting him last after the past few days. Finally Razor finds his tongue: 'fucking disgraceful.'
I agree with Tricia that none of them should have the letters. Solidarity! Show Spontag what friendship is really about.  UK! UK! UK!
Spencer is 29! Fuck me, he looks rough. Why is he so shiny? You could use his forehead as a make-up mirror.
Frankie's got his knives out again, like when Susan Kennedy in Neighbours used to obsessively clean when she was freaking out about Karl having an affair. Toadie will remember that reference.
Hahaha, my boyfriend loves it when Spencer impersonates the housemates, so he'll enjoy 'if the British public had half a heart.'
I love Rylan in a rage! He's so un-intimidating! He's fab. You go, Rylan, I'm still backing you, all the way, baby.
Toadfish hit the nail on the head when he said 'they're paid to be pricks and they're doing a good job of it.' The most insightful thing he's said in two weeks.
I love the fact Spontag are reading their own letter. 'Their parents must be proud of them.' I imagine their parents have disowned them. Who IS that letter from?! I need to know. What does it say?!
Ooh even Frankie piped up. 'You're not fucking reading mine, that's for sure.' You've really pushed it now, you've riled Frankie! Now you've done it! They already read their stupid letter anyway, so it was a bit of a pitiful protest. 
At last, the fencesitters revolt! Good on 'em! That actually made me feel proud. I actually felt like I cared about my housemates for a minute. Heidi looks embarrassed. I wonder who she would be if she'd never met that evil prick? Probably happy with a kid and not carved up to look like a 50 year old Barbie. Stupid idiot.
Spontag will not be winning this show now. I don't care if it's an act, or what anymore, I just don't want to look at their fucking faces anymore.
Yeah, don't tell Heidi what to do, that's Spencer's job. Spencer, your English accent is worse than your Australian one. If I was Speidi I would crawl under the covers and hide with embarrassment rather than sitting picking my nails like a pair of dicks. I'm still dying for Rylan to call them out about their undercover shuffle! It's the perfect comeback.
Oh shut up, Claire, bleating about your kids. It's like Janine on I'm a Celeb, and I DO hate women whinging about their kids on reality TV. It's a job, you're going to do a job, you signed up for it. Also, Spontag weren't laughing at your kids. They were just laughing about being douches. They have NO sense of decency, haven't you worked that out yet? Yeah they're callous. And they're picking up the pay cheque. As are you.
Even I don't know how I feel after all that. But it's not positive. Now let's see how they try and spin Rylan's song and dance routine on BOTS. Until tomorrow...!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Spiedi is a superpower

How does Claire make a fry up for that many people? Spencer looked like he had a proper plateful. Fried bread? I eat a lot of crap, but I'll never understand that. And with butter on first? That must be like 1000 calories alone.
Rylan was in Love Actually and Harry Potter, but blink and you'll miss him.
This thing about Rylan sending his clothes home to his mum is just storylining. I have a feeling it's going to be this sort of show tonight.
I'm glad to see Spencer is rocking a navy teacher fleece today. Oh, don't build snowmen, it reminds me of Alex Reid: 'Aiiiiiiiiish!'
Oh so they're going to a a 'Barbell media' stunt on Spontag. Would they fall for it? I guess they've never seen it before. Oh OK, so it's a fake webchat and the other housemates are questioning them. The tables are turned!  They've got that dude from BOTS interviewing them. Why would Spontag be so nasty in the interview? I don't believe it for a minute. They've been getting on with everyone! This doesn't ring true. I don't like it one bit.
Rylan is enjoying watching Speidi dig their own grave. But this feels like a total set up.
People on a laptop in the Big Brother house! Whatever next.(Mobile phones?)
Spencer calling people 'intense'! Would Spontag fall for this? This is weird. I think it's unfair on them, as weird as that sounds.
Rylan: 'You aint coming to Essex, you prick.' Don't worry, I don't think he was planning to. LOL, 'I bet you were an arsehole at 16 as well.'
It wasn't 'Toadfish jerk.' It was 'Toadjerk'. Get it right. Ha, 'I think they could be a travelling circus if they wanted to.'
Are Big Brother trying to start a bloodbath again? (yes).
They're back in the house. Frankie is so MEEK! He's sharpening the knives but he's not going to bury one in Heidi's back, more's the pity.
Don't you get it Tricia, the stuff on the task was an act, not the stuff in the house? No, I take that back; it's ALL an act, them in the house, them on the task, all of it.
An indignant and self-righteous Rylan is an annoying Rylan. He looks kind of cool tonight, though.
Ah, here's where they drop the bomb. I don't Rylan's going to sit back and be a wallflower now, do you? Ooh, he looks mad. Heidi's twitching. Rylan's come out with a few good one liners tonight.
Spencer: 'I don't have fun doing anything, actually.' What, not even having sex with your beautiful wife? Oh... I forgot, you don't. Are we going to get a 'sorry' out of Spontag? Nah. Heidi's gone very quiet.
Spencer: 'What's not us is weird.' Er... he's afraid of the 'other'. Learn some contrition!
Why has Rylan got foil on his fingers? Is he trying to stop aliens mind-controlling his fingertips? Frankie looks like he could happily wring some necks. I think the pressure of keeping things inside is getting to him. I wish he'd just pop, just like Razor did the other night.
Spontag, don't you feel in the least bit sorry for upsetting people? Sad.
Rylan, what's this 'I don't row with women' bullshit? Us women can probably take it.
I like the way Rylan pronounces 'row'. Rylan: 'they were made for each other.' They were made BY each other.
America party, yay! Spencer's Big Brother's very own George Bush right now.
This all feels too manufactured for my liking. Ah, they're plugging 'Maxitone' tonight, whatever that might be.
I don't believe Spontag for a minute that they knew. Rylan is doing a 'woe is me' face. Heidi: ;we're Americans. We're reality stars.'
At least Tricia has said SOMETHING at last. It was pretty pathetic, but it was SOMETHING. Look at Frankie crawling away again. What a baby. I CANNOT stand fencesitters. He's worse than a fencesitter; he's a fencehider. I don't think BB quite got the carve up they were looking for there, do you?
WTF is Spencer wittering on about Lady Gaga?
'Drop me out' returns! 'The gaff...': love it. At least Rylan acknowledges its good TV.
The snowmen in the garden are quite cute. Probably Spencer will kick them to death, and not even for a task.
Rylan: 'Hand job.' The funniest two words of the episode. Or is that one word? I loved them peering over and I loved 'she's tossing him off right now' followed by 'drop me out' and Rylan fanning his face like a prim old lady. Oh God. I think my £50 is looking safer by the minute. Amen!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Those girls are no joke

What's this, a whole series recap?  I watched a bit of The Hills on Netflix last night and Spencer looked so different; like almost good looking but not. Like scary but at least suntanned and young. He was being his usual psycho self, though. He must have done some HARD LIVING between now and then. Was sad to see Heidi looking all normal. It's funny how much of an impact one person can have on you. Scary.
They've gone a bit overboard with that fake snow in the Big Brother garden today, haven't they?
Rylan to Heidi: 'what colour's your hair naturally, mousy brown?' Oops.
Rylan boo-wooing about being too famous to shop because of being mobbed. Have you tried shopping online? Nothing worse than celebrities moaning about people coming up to them. You know what you signed up for.
Heidi, you're suitably dressed. Why is she being teacher's pet now? Spencer is NEVER suitably attired; he looks like he dresses out of Primark. Spencer doesn't like Heidi being told what to wear, I saw him start on someone out of The Hills on it.
A hot tub is no place to have a bath. Would be fun to do that in the snow! Obviously not much happened yesterday as we're dwelling on people having a wash for an hour.
Someone said Spontag never do any housework, but Heidi is sweeping! She's a veritable Cinderella. I don't like this new meek Spontag.
How did Heidi and Spencer get to be 'team captains?' Was it after a call to Saul again? I want Spontag tortured!
This is a horrible task. This is more I'm a Celebrity bullcrap as far as I'm concerned. This task is creeping me out. Eww, seagulls. Dinosaur eyes.
Why are they playing the 28 Days Later music leading up to eviction? Is there a zombie apocalypse coming? This dramatic music is quite good, it's making me feel a bit hyper. Is Spencer's granny hoodie his eviction outfit?
Spontag and Rylan looked REALLY shocked when Gillian went!
I like it when Heidi gets drunk and let's her hair down and dances like an idiot. Toadfish's dancing is funny, too. I love seeing people dancing on Big Brother. I would NEVER dance on TV.
Razor blew his 'a list' story of getting into restaurants with tales of getting the 'A1' seat on EasyJet.
Heidi and Spencer: 'the land of the free, the home of the brave exists... nowhere!'
Aw to Heidi going 'amen' to Rylan's passionate plea to be a parent. She's letting her real self show! Careful. Are Christians alright with gay parents? They're not really, are they. But anything for a vote.
What is 'fabricated reality'? That boggles the mind. 
Could Spontag win it? I think they'll come second. It would be a great shock if they won it and quite good fun. Now if only I hadn't put that £50 bet on Rylan.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's from a different universe

No baying mob because of the snow? Oh well. I was sent home from work early today because of the snow, had a nap and dreamt that Heidi walked and Spencer stayed. Can't see that happening but it was interesting, at least. 
Spencer and Heidi are sitting in 'their' corner. Do you think you get the stink eye if you sit on their bit of the sofa? I do. USA! Etc.
Frankie is doing a 'one Mississippi' walk in the garden. He's got his ninja gear on again. He's probably going to go hide behind a plot plant.
There's some 'Sculptress' in the gym. That must be the female Maximuscle.
Tricia 'who's going to pick up the phone and vote?' No one for you.
Spencer is rocking a grey teacher fleece today. When you start wearing teacher fleeces before you're 30, where is there left to go sartorially? I'm glad they said, 'If it's not us, we want him to win' about Rylan. Spencer and Heidi are being persecuted by the seagulls now.
It's a bit duff coming out to no crowd, isn't it? I'd be worried if I lived in Borehamwood, I bet the crime rate is going to rocket tonight.
Brian's putting out the audition advert: I would rather die than be a Big Brother housemate. It's bad enough being famous for something decent and getting hassled, let alone getting hassled for nothing.
I'm not surprised people think Kylie's English, apparently Australia has deserted her. Is Pete Waterman from Pink Floyd? Er, no. WAS Toadie in Neighbours at the same time as Kylie? He's been in it long enough. 
I wonder why they're giving Toadie all this airtime? NEIGHBOURS! When did Razor and Rylan film these angel and devil bits? Of course Toadie's going to go with the angels.Neigh-bours. I can't understand what Rylan's saying. That task was stupid. Filler! It wasn't hard enough.
Brian's jacket is coming undone. No one even told him during the break.
So it's not a double eviction?
I think they are being a bit strict with Spontag and Gillian, that wasn't really noms talk, it was more silly banter. I've heard a million times worse than that go unpunished.
Loving Spencer's pearly king outfit. Are they eating jellied eels? Groo.
Haha, my friend Sarah loves Chas and Dave. That Hell party is a bit too 'red' for me. LOL to Spencer and Heidi singing to Chas and Dave. They should play Snooker Loopy next. That's the end of my Chas and Dave knowledge.
Razor's teaching Toadie and Rylan 'puffa fish' training: I thought he was meant to stop attacking people?
Heidi on first meeting Spencer: 'He's an angel. He's from a different universe. He's so kind.' Is she on drugs? When you're really in love, you don't have to go on about it all the time. You don't have to get married three times. You don't have to prove it.
WTF was going on with Claire and Rylan in the bathroom there?
Spencer giving Spontag career advice. Didn't he 'retire' because he was caught doing a coke? Frankie to Spencer: 'you're so amazingly talented.' As what? Chief troublemaker? What a load of old flannel.
Rylan's dying his ginger beard. Nooooo! I want to see him ginger.
Oh no, Spontag like everyone again now! Boo. Quick, do a task, fuck it up again. Heidi's 'regretful for a lot of the things she's said.' Is this gameplay? Reverse psychology! They'll be cursing them all tomorrow.
Have they told them there's no crowd? They don't seem to be reacting. They're all waving like they're Who Wants to Be a Millionaire contestants.
How is Tricia safe?! Who voted for her? Kathy was on our screens for 20 years as Ian Beale's matriarch. That's weird. Fuck me, Heidi and Spencer actually gave her a kiss goodbye. They are being civil for once!
Aw, Kaff's going out to no crowd. That's what you get for doing NOTHING. You can blame the editing, and I do, but if she'd saying ANYTHING of interest it would have been shown.
Gillian's wrapped in an old throw. At least there was no one there to boo. I don't mind Gillian, she is boring, but she seems like a nice lady. I'm glad she didn't have to deal with the mob.
Don't worry, Gillian, you didn't get on anyone's nerves. You're also not there due to a rule break. But keep reading that autocue, Brian.
Why is she wrapped in that old throw, is her dress busted? How are they going to make this interview interesting?
I don't think Ryan is very popular in that house. Hanging up washing?! What sort of reason is that to future nominate?
Where is the visual evidence of Toadfish 'liking to keep fit'? He doesn't look very ripped to me.
Brian: 'we've seen it all, Gillian.' No, Brian, we haven't.
Gillian revealed Spencer and Heidi 'wouldn't separate for the tasks so things had to be changed.' What IS this?!Who's running this show?
Word association! Is this what it's all come to? Fuck me, these best bits are boring. Worst episode of this CBB yet. Cry bye, baby, cry bye.
We could really have done with a double eviction tonight. Wednesday is not such a good day for it, as I can't drink and stay up late bitching about it.
So it's vote to win now! No more noms. That's so rubbish. Nominations are one of the best bits. A week is too long to have no nominations. But should I really be surprised that BB have fucked it up again? Snow joke. Has anyone even made a snowman yet? Aiiiiiiisssssssh!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's no professional Big Brother-er

Dictator task! Is it tasteful to knock over a gold statue like they did with Saddam? I say yes.
I don't mind this anarchy, it's alright. Oh Razor, put it away. It's really gross. Rylan has set Spontag the task of defacing the flag. Will make a change from kissing it.
Toadfish was right with what he said about Spontag in that the public want them to stay but not win , but why does he think he can talk about nominations? Schoolboy error.
I want a poster with me on saying 'do as I say.'
We need subtitles for Frankie's speech! 'Mangestic butterflies'. That was funny when they caught Frankie in a net (like a butterfly!) Behead him! Yay, Toadie and Razor are getting it, too. Spencer kicked Frankie's decapitated statue head, ha. LOL to Spontag's 'prick/loser/dork' flag. I feel a bit sorry for Frankie in a way. He's been set up a bit.
I'm not liking Spencer's green teacher fleece tonight- or is that part of the uniform? How does Spencer know exactly what all the odds are of contestants staying and going? He's like Hollywood's own Paddy Power.
Hold on, Gillian speaks! I can't hear what she's saying, though. Spencer's like a cross between John James and Isaac Stout (Noirin's boyfriend); egomaniac nightmare. I notice Heidi's got flip flops on in the shower; probably scared of veruccas. Spencer can't spell his own wife's name. Nice sentiment, though, better than wiping your bum on someone's pillow.
Ew to Spencer scratching his crotch. I think Lacey said last night, 'all Spencer do is lie in bed and eat crisps.' Sounds alright to me. Do they want to win, do they not want to win!? Do they want to stay or go? They ARE like John James! They said they wanted to leave a minute ago. I don't get it. I think I find Spencer and Heidi's fake affection more baffling than their non affection.
Razor: hand down pants. OMG his snoring is DISGUSTING. He's like a farmyard animal. I can't even cope with the rain on the window at night.
Lacey thinks the public might think Spontag are 'boring'. Spencer: 'she's like a throwaway.' Nice.
God, I hate onesies SO much. They should all be confiscated and burnt at the stake. One day they will be as reviled as the shell suit.
Why do Spontag think they're entitled to be liked when they're so odious to everyone? All they say is poisonous things! I want to stroke the furry walls of that igloo. Hold on, that doesn't sound right. I must admit, Spontag are getting on my nerves a bit. But they're still making me laugh.
They've got that nasty Hovis bread in the house! Where's the Warburtons? I think Rylan is genuinely worried about the eviction. I was glad when he got so much support, it really means the world to him.
Claire's hair is still looking white after all this time in the house. What shampoo is she using to keep her hair that colour? I want it! I'm going to tweet her after the show. Maybe I'll tweet her husband.
Rylan's face when Spontag was saved was funny. 'In no particular order' means 'in the most dramatic order possible.'
You're next out, Tricia. Spencer and Heidi don't have a 'strategy'. They are just gits. I love Rylan's emotion. I wonder if Nicole Scherzinger is watching this?
Rule-break! 'Don't waste it, put it elsewhere.' I like Toadie's t-shirt but not on him. Looks like Razor and Toadfish got what they wanted from that conversation: the girls up. Mission accomplished. Not much of a punishment. Oh Toadie, take responsibility for your actions.
'Shame shame shame, we know your name.' Morrissey has a song about that. Claire's on champagne watch. Beware!
Ha, Spencer calling Toadie a cheat and a rookie. 'They wanted them to leave minutes ago.' He IS the funniest in the house.
Ooh, the Toadfish backlash has begun. Spencer's drinking wine out of a mug. I hope it's not contaminated.
Spontag are PDAing! She's drunk. I wouldn't miss sex after two weeks. I always find it weird when people say that on Big Brother; control yourselves!
Razor can't 'remember' influencing the vote. He's always crawling to the public in the Diary Room.
Toadfish on gay parents: 'first of all being gay is wrong'. They could edit that badly, hahaha. 'Being gay is wrong. Being gay is wrong'. I want to edit that for my podcast! Imagine if you'd turned on then and just heard him say that. Oh Toadie, stop being so PC. Jeff from BBUS wouldn't like you. YOU KNOW!
Spontag are drunk! Telling Kathy she's a 'national treasure.' I think they mean 'fossil.'
Toadie, stop toadying, FFS! Heidi's getting frisky. I think I preferred her frigid. Now she's stroking her own boobs and laughing about Hula Hoops. Haha, she's making a right twat of herself. What flavour Hula Hoops is that, in a purple packet? I'm not familiar with that flavour!
Heidi doesn't want to 'be herself.' Who else is she going to be? She can't cope with someone being nice to her, it's against her gameplan. You could see the wires showing then.
What sort of sex talk is this from Spontag? 'Do you want me to roll onto you?' Eh? Is this secret code? 'Invitation... leg over... you can't move it... keep it there... it's innapropriate, it's stuck, you can't adjust... I'm already locked in deep. I want another one.' Another what? 'Good night my hero.' 'You should drink beers more often.' Goodness me. This is some freaky shit. You never see the night vision anymore, do you? Maybe the celebs have a clause against it. We're gonna do a catch up podcast now just for the hell of it! See you later.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Dick-tator

A bit sad tonight as watching the eviction on my own; it's not as much fun, no vodka and no podcast to do either - boo. Still, it's only Racy Lacey leaving, isn't it? I'm going to vote to save Spontag and Rylan. Ooh, I just found some biscuits. All is not lost. I want some Diet Pepsi and some cheese and onion crisps, though.
Lacey looks HOT. I just voted, sucker that I am. Not for her, though.
Recap, recap, recap. Zzzz. Ooh, Dictator task. We've seen people come unstuck on tasks like this before, namely, Dustin in BBUS, who was liked by everyone, was made house king, acted like a twat, and was promptly evicted. One of the best eviction faces ever. How did Frankie get nominated as dictator? Was he picked at random? Did they nominate him? Can Big Brother be bothered to tell us? This is a bit unfair on Frankie because he's already got little-man syndrome.
I like the dickmobile. Frankie's hat looks warm. I'm fucking freezing.
Heidi likes Spencer in his Nazi uniform! Surprise surprise. Toadie is the perfect choice for a snivelling little lapdog.Lacey, a page 3 girl, is actually getting some cheers. They are making them eat slop: the oldest Big Brother trick in the book.
Did Frankie choose his guards? I thought he would have chosen Rylan, not Toadjerk. I feel like I've not been paying attention, but half the time that's just because of the terrible editing.
Rylan is the leader of the revolution! Yes, destroy the statue. Aiiiissssssssshhh! Should Rylan be allowed around explosives? From the crowds' cheering, it looks like my £50 on Rylan is safe. Phew!
I wish we'd seen Rylan telling Spontag about the task. Kiss Frankie's riding crop. I like it when they have a jail on Big Brother. In Big Brother Australia they have a 'naughty corner' where they make them do ironing and stuff. It's fun.
I wouldn't massage someone's feet for a bazillion quid and if someone even laid one finger on my foot I'd kick their teeth out.
I'm desperately trying to think of a pun on TNT. How does Rylan know about 'viva la revolution'? He HAS read a book! I like the tasks where the task is not what you think it is.
What's with this Patsy Kensit Weight Watchers advert? Patsy Kensit has never been fat. NEVER.
Claire and Lacey have to bug Frankie's phone?! This is like some Breaking Bad/ Walt and Hank stuff.
Heidi was enjoying 'macho man', wasn't she? This task is good because it's integrating Spontag a bit.
I wonder if Frankie will get nominated for being a dictator? He's getting stitched up like a kipper on this phonecall. Heidi and Spencer getting to listen to MORE personal info! He's frightened of Spencer and Heidi! No wonder he went into hiding, a kitchen cupboard chameleon. What about Razor 'puffa' Ruddock? He's pretty scary. Surly, even!
Ugh, I hate shiny sheets. Spencer and Heidi said they liked Frankie at the beginning of this show. Flip flop!
Spencer: 'All dictatorships should be brought down immediately. We're from America. USA!' Where are they from again? I thought they were 9/11 truthers? Don't they think Obama's a dictator? Aren't THEY dictators?! STFU about America. You're on our soil now, and we crown incomprehensible CBB winners like Ulrika Jonnson, Denise Welch and Paddy Doherty. Don't ask me why, but we do. Luckily, we normally get it right in the civilian version.
Aw, Rylan got cheers! Lacey is like a lamb to the slaughter. 'Get Spiedi out'! LOL. Ha, they're safe. I thought they'd been evicted for a minute then. Keep up! Rylan's confidence will be back up now, hopefully not too much.
Lacey is doing Spencer-style face flapping. She's out! Aw, sad to see her go, she was a harmless little thing.
Heidi and Spencer kissed each other but not Lacey as far as I could tell. Charming! USA!
Lacey got cheers, cool. There was nothing to boo about her. She's even dressed up all posh, like she's going to dinner at Downton Abbey. I think she looks lovely. I feel sorry for her, I don't think her OR Sam deserved to go, even if Sam was a douche on BOTS and then said 'my generation aren't interested in the Falklands' on The Wright Stuff. I hope they get Rylan on The Wright Stuff. Him and Matthew Wright can have an orange-off.
The reasons people nominated Lacey were pretty pathetic. She shouldn't have to apologise for swearing and burping. Lacey spoke to her brother?! WTF. We never saw that.
LOL, Rylan and Razor colluding to nominate the girls. Booooooo, as Heidi would say. That's one of the things I miss about the live feed, catching them out running that sort of game. How come everyone is up because of them breaking the rules? That's not fair. It should just be Toadface and Razor up. So now we don't get nom noms?! I don't really get the point of that. Nominations are fun. I think it's Big Brother just trying to line their pockets. But at least it will clear out the deadwood. A double eviction could work.
Toadfish: 'we were just thinking aloud.' Don't think too hard, Toady. You might strain something. Caught out, just eat it. At least Spontag can claim the moral high ground for five minutes. USA! Etc.
PS: Why is BOTS on so late? It's like they actually don't WANT people to watch it. I stay up quite late, and I can't be bothered. Plus it makes the Couch Potatoes podcast way too late. Boooooooooooooooo! Etc. Oh well, I'll listen to it at work tomorrow as usual on my headphones and ignore everyone. That's my kind of internal comms. Good night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Squatters evicted

God, how can it only be Tuesday? This week is dragging bad. Also, a tree surgeon crushed my garden shed to pieces today because the tree I didn't even want cutting down 'fell the wrong way'. TIMBER! Arseholes.
I don't know why people care about snow. I couldn't give a shit! It's cold and 'orrible, as Rylan would say. I hate autumn and soggy wet leaves and I hate winter and de-icing my car. And we have no summer. So THERE.
Spontag are only communicating with nods. John McCruick style! Did they confiscate their Diet Coke. God, I couldn't cope with them creating an atmosphere all the time, I'd snap. It's like growing up in my childhood home all over again. Perhaps they need their blood replacing or something. What IS their problem?
Don't reverse psychology me, Pratt-face. Spencer's talking in riddles now, he's gone a bit Dungeon Master. Turned out he was a wrong 'un, an' all.
LOL to Spencer: 'I think it's fake snow.' Hahahahaha! They can't afford it! They only CGI it on Eastenders and Corrie. It never snowed that hard down my scragbag end of London/Surrey if I'm trying to be posh (the end of the line... the end of the Northern line). It's not fake snow, anyway. Frankie Dettori's friends have just dropped by. Go fill your boots!
Heidi's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Oh stop going on about bacteria, you drainers. You're driving me nuts. I think they need their vitamin injections, or Prozac.
Toadfish is diving bare-chested in the snow! Crazzy Aussies. Isn't he a fun guy? Zzzzzzz.
Heidi: 'I don't want anyone seeing our dogs.' Why, what do you think is going to happen?! Perhaps Rylan is going to suck out the Pomeranian souls by merely admiring them.
So this Big Vendor thing is like the Zingbot, right? Like the Zingbot meets Stephen Hawkins. ZING! Is he going to vend anything of interest? Hopefully Heidi and Spencer's meds. Heidi's weave is looking a little ratty today.
Kathy's never looked happier than listening to other housemates badly sing 'Reach for the stars.' Claire can't hold a note! Rylan can sing better than her.
Do Heidi and Spencer know this is a Steps song? Oh dear, I take back what I said about Rylan's singing. At least Razor's not shy of making a complete idiot of himself.
Spontag aren't eating because of BACTERIA. Tonight Spencer's drinking out the bottle, lol. He's like an old wino. Why is Spencer so outraged that Frankie isn't turning cartwheels that they're not back in the house? They are acting like the worst guests EVER. Frankie wasn't being an arsehole, he was being honest. 'I don't mind' was on the milder end of the spectrum, really.
Spencer doesn't like pickles. What DOES Spencer like? God, Spencer is not even 30. He looks like an old man.
Why would you ask a married couple if you think they're together forever? What companies were spending millions trying to break Spencer up? Was it the Yarn-spinning Association?
I like Heidi and Spencer's policy of just eating crisps and chips.
Spencer thinks Rylan or Claire will go home. Incorrect.
Lacey: 'you two are very sweet.' Eh? Heidi's getting sniffy about Lacey having no clothes on in the shower. You can't see her! Take a chill pill, Heidi. She's SUCH a prude.
I think Tricia is gearing herself up for a fight now, and it will just be any excuse. Shame Lacey's going to go tomorrow, especially as she's winding up Heidi. I wish we could get rid of someone else. Oh well, that's just the way it goes. But sometimes, it goes the other way too. Let the games begin, etc.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Especially after he electrocuted my wife tonight

Marcus Bentley says, 'Following Friday night's argument, Big Brother has decided Heidi and Spencer will sleep in the basement until further notice.' Translation: 'Heidi and Spencer's lawyers have decided they'll sleep in the basement until further notice.' Remember when Big Brother used to have some control over the housemates? Me neither. Heidi and Spencer can say 'jump' to Big Brother and Big Brother will go 'how high?' and probably give them a multipack of toothbrushes, a machine gun and some disgusting American chocolate.
Spontag's flag has fallen down. 'Fix the flag, fix the flag.' Oh, fuck off.
Gratuitious shot of Lacey's side boob? Check. Spencer fanning his face like a nutcase? Check.
How can people still like Claire (from Steps)? As far as I can see, she has no redeeming features. Razor in his pants! ARGH! Claire's losing her appetite? I'm not surprised looking at Razor's bikini line. OMG Razor, shut your fucking legs! Or C5 put a warning up on the screen.
So I know who's up for nomination and I'm not very impressed. Deadwood floats. 
Big Brother to Rylan: 'Anything else you'd like to talk to Big Brother about?' 'Global warming. I don't know what it is.' Aw. I still love Rylan. You can't stop me, and you can't stop him from winning either. Heidi and Spencer's entertainment value will only get them so far. The villains never win.
Spencer just wants to 'tap that booty'? Ewww. I read in the Daily Star (well, saw a link for it) they'd fucked in the basement. BOLLOCKS. I doubt if they've fucked for three years.
Toadfish: not nominations for not tidying up again! Is that the REAL reason you're nominating Spontag? It's not, is it? So stop beating around the bush. You're not in Lassiter's now, laddy. Time to play with the big boys.
Oh God, Tricia is voting for Lacey because she's so untidy. 'I'm forever picking up after her.' Don't then. You're not her mum! Fuck off, you boring old bitch.
Why does everyone hate Lacey now? She's harmless! LOL, Frankie was 'afraid' of Spencer and Heidi when they came back into the house! Is that why he burrowed into a little hole? What a scrotum. Don't be scared, little Frankie. A little toot will sort you out and then you can be as mental and aggressive as Spencer and Razor combined.
Why are Spencer and Heidi constantly drinking mineral water? Kathy don't like rows! Why was she in Eastenders for so long then? Lacey looks cute today in her camo gear and her make up all sexy. I feel sorry for her. Oh stop crying, Gillian! There's nothing worse than a Big Brother crybaby.
I like the fact Marcus is just calling Ryan 'Toadie' on the narration. Rylan: 'do you get on with everyone at Neighbours, any arseholes?' I love it, so blunt. 'Would you ever jump ship to Home and Away if they offered you a load of money?' Toad-jerk: 'Yeah.' Ha! He's probably been fired already, that's why he's hopped over here.
Uh oh, Lacey's talking politics. Fuck. Claire looks stony-faced. Gillian and Tricia are pissed off, too. At least she's got an opinion, even if it's ill-informed. Ha, now they're talking about convicts being shipped to Australia. Toadfish is doing his war dance; stand back. 
Claire's nominating Lacey for being 'crude.' Her name is 'Banghard', FFS. At least she's more interesting than you; mind you, so's er... everyone. Lacey's crumb of kindness has been seen as an allegiance to Heidi and Spencer and has smacked her in the face a bit.
Razor's nominating in his coat. At least he's put some clothes on at last. He looks like he's about tho go for a hike. I love the fact Razor loves Rylan, they're just such an odd couple. Ha, Razor is nominating Lacey for burping and using the 'c' word cos it's not ladylike. It's alright for you though, isn't it, Puff Daddy? Fucking hypocrite! He reminds me of my mum's boyfriend who read my blog and goes 'there's a lot of swearing in it.' Well it's my blog, not my dissertation! I can say whatever the fuck I want in it. Cunts. I nominate anyone who uses the expression 'the 'c' word'. In fact, my boyfriend's friend came round on New Year's Day and called me out for 'using the c word a lot'. How about you don't come into my house and tell me what words to use, hmm? No word offends me, except sexist ones, like 'slag'. 'Cunt' is multipurpose.
Spontag are scoffing on Walkers again! You can't blame them though, Americans don't have good flavours of crisps. They DO have ENORMOUS bags of crisps though, so that's a bonus. You can literally climb inside them, Oh, my boyfriend would go mad at them chomping crisps whilst nominations are announced. As soon as I open a packet of crisps he just gives me a death stare. Chomping crisps noisily is one of life's great pleasures. But not during nominations. They're always chomping crisps on BBUS as well, they're mad for it.
Ryan looks freaky in drag! Rylan is quite good at the make-up though. I feel sorry for Lacey! I think she'll go. Aw. Rylan: 'let's hug it out.' Heidi: 'No.'
It's good that Razor is up for having a bit of make-up on, some men can be so straight about things like that. It's just a giggle, isn't it? It won't make you gay, just a finger up your bum (sorry).
Do you think Rylan will get to put make-up on Spontag? LOL. Heidi to Lacey: 'they don't want you around all young.' Ha! Yeah, stop being so young. Spencer; alliance talk. He's poisoning Lacey's mind good! Drip, drip, drip. Lacey, stop taking advice from Spontag. They are disturbed individuals. Actually, some of what they were saying is quite true. A lot of the oldies are on a downward slope. It's only really Rylan and maybe Lacey who could get something out of the show.
Haha, getting the housemates to add up to a minute, what does that remind you of? 'One Mississippi, two Mississippi...' Bye bye, Luke S. Many lols. I can't BELIEVE they are dragging out those old electric shock suits AGAIN. Those things must have moth holes in by now. And I can't believe Heidi and Spencer are actually wearing them. Frankie and Razor look like Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
What is that vending machine for? Eww, check out Toadie's sweat patches. Groo. It is cruel putting Claire in that orange lycra.
Spencer and Heidi should be FORCED to attend the losers party and drink cheap cider (is there any other kind?) I bet they get their own bottle of wine in the de-basement.
Tricia's coming off a bit 'Tina Malone'. Ha, is Big Brother refusing to let Spontag into the basement?
Oh well done, Spencer, for taking part in a task, what do you want, a lollipop? 'We're not comfortable to be around Ryan since he electrocuted my wife tonight.' I wish he'd electrocuted YOU! She was laughing, FFS, it was a game! These two aren't for real, are they? Richey Manic would have no truck with them. 
Heidi having to hang out with the common people. Rylan: 'turn that frown upside down.' Honestly I'd flip out at them. I don't know how everyone stays so patient. They are absolutely pathetic excuses for humans. No wonder they've got no friends. They're odious. Keep them in!
After a call to their lawyers, Heidi and Spencer were allowed downstairs again, probably to feast on babies blood and Jesus juice. Oh Spontag, stop pretending you're scared of Rylan and Ryan, they're about as scary as Jedward. STFU.
OMG I just saw the start of 'Botched up Bodies!' MY EYES!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I've woke up with the hump

I'm watching Britain's most incompetently-produced show alone tonight, which is sad. However, we solved the not-calling-them-Speidi dilemma last night, by coining the 'Spontag.' I thought of something too, on Spontag's non-kissing policy: they kissed that American flag when they went in the basement! Maybe they only kiss inanimate objects. Heidi did a little kiss in Spencer's direction, but he barely reciprocated. It's not rubbing it in people's faces when you're hiding in the basement. You just don't fancy each other! I've seen Simon Cowell and his girlbeards look more in love.
So what will happen tonight? Will Frankie be camouflaging himself against a tree perhaps, or a furry cushion? Will Razor imitate any other aquatic creatures? It's all to play for; if they ever stop recapping last night.
Why is Razor grovelling to Big Brother again? Come on, big man, it was the best thing you ever did in that house. Don't turn into a pity party.
Claire has basically turned into a wet fish, now. I saw half this shit on BOTS yesterday. Why can't they give us some fresh stuff! They got 24 hours of it. Fucking useless.
I love it when people say 'I've got the hump'. Rylan: 'I'm not worried, I'm nervous.' Isn't that the same thing? I think Rylan underestimates the clout of 'Claire from Steps'. One: no one likes Steps. Two: she's a miserable cow. If it was a head to head, he'd walk it. I like fact they're making them sweat on it, though. Razor: 'I understand. It would be like going up against Lee Ryan from Blue.' Er... what?! Random! Actually, put him in the house, he's renowned for his stupid statements. And Brian Harvey, too.
Spencer on Heidi kicking off: 'you were so awesome.' Aw, how romantic.
Oh Claire, stop going on! Just stand by what you said or shut the fuck up.
How come Spontag get to stay up til 5am and then sleep all morning? Special treatment!
Why is Spencer having a hot flush, is he going through the menopause? My friend thinks Spencer is ill because he always looks sweaty. It's probably because he's always wearing those teacher fleeces. Can't she sort out his clothes for him? She spends a zillion dollars on surgery and she can't buy him a nice shirt, or something? Drop me out. Heidi is clutching one of her 56 toothbrushes. At least because they really want to win now, they won't walk. Spencer: 'don't think I don't relate to zits.' OK, then.
Ha, British contestants get so pissed off when Americans say they want to win. But at least it's honest! Razor on them winning: 'you fucking aint.' We'll see!
Gillian always looks like she's either tired or crying; maybe both. Rylan is so skinny! You can see his ribs. Rylan wears more make-up than I do.
Spencer on Claire: your career with Steps ended ten years ago.' If only! Spencer's face is twice the size of Heidi's. It's a bit rich of him to call Rylan and Claire 'hermits' when they keep bunking up in the basement every five minutes.
Why is Spencer carrying that huge bottle of water round with him? He could use it as a weapon at any time. It's like Paula all over again.
I like the fact that Rylan hangs out with Razor and Frankie. I like Lacey's leopard print dressing gown, too. She's playing a smart game, keeping Heidi sweet. Not as dumb as she pretends, methinks.
Interesting to see Toadfish and Lacey (sort of) strategising. Toadfish NOT agreeing that Spontag are nice people. I guess Lacey doesn't like some of the coven and is seeking a new alliance. I like her better because of that.
I hate these tasks where they try and make girls look dumb. I also hate it when they have outside people in the house, but that goes without saying.
Spencer is eating two packets of crisps during this task. Now, that's the kind of behaviour I can get behind. Is there any particular reason Razor is being waxed?! Or just to get him back in line after his puffa fish impression?
I've noticed Heidi does touch Spencer but he never touches her. Oh, Rylan, put a sock in it. He wouldn't let it lie! Tricia is brave questioning the motives of Spontag. She'll be next on her shitlist. Spontag are still laughing at Rylan's jokes. At least they all had a chat about it again.
Razor's girlfriend is 31! LOL. That's like me going out with a fat old puffa fish. What does she see in him?
What the actual FUCK are Spontag doing in the basement again? That is totally wrong. Did Saul Goodman organise that for them? Is he going to bury Rylan in a ditch for them, too? Are they seriously not going to explain it? Another dick move by Big Brother. Blatant hardballing by Spontag and Big Brother pandering to them; ie. bullshit.
Ooh, Spencer strokes Heidi's back! NEWSFLASH. And now they're back out of the basement again?! WTF. Is that just their little private area? That is sooooooo unfair. If they don't want to sleep with the others they should be made to sleep in the igloo.
Have Spontag's got OCD? What is it with them and bacteria? I think Spencer is dying. They are so weird. Still you've got to love them. Otherwise you're stuck trying to spot Frankie Dettori as he nestles under teacup.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: They're just extras

Ryan's such a drama queen! You've got to love it, though.
How come Spencer and Heidi always get up so early! It's like they want to pack as much evil into the day as humanly possible. Mocking Toadfish for doing lightweight weights, ha.
Heidi: 'You're lucky anyone even wants to put your frog face on TV.' Spencer: 'It's a 'toad'. I think what I like about watching Spencer and Heidi is they say the sort of nasty shit  I say watching it.
Sam came off like a charming tosser on BOTS last night didn't he? It was disgraceful what he said about fingering Lacey before he left. Didn't say a word in the house, then came out and acted like an utter sexist douche. And saying he wanted to 'do sex, drugs and rock and roll.' What is he, 15? He came across as an absolute prick.
Shitstir task again! They're stirring up that pot today, aren't they? Heidi's watching 24 hour live feed and she still can't get Lacey's name right.LOL to their 'they're just extras' speech. Too true!
Ha, Lacey thinks Claire was in S Club 7. No, they were quite good. She's getting her confused with that other fat sourpuss in a dressing gown, Jo O' Meara. Claire's in there for the money, end of story. Unfortunately, she's ruining what very little affection anyone had left for her. Faye Tozier must be writing her P45 as we speak.
Heidi: 'she tried on my SHOES?' They'll have to be sent to landfill now. Germs!
That's really horrible asking Claire about her worst feature. Mean BB! Razor swerved that question well, very gentlemanly. LOL, Rylan calling Tricia a drunk! That task served it's mean-spirited little purpose, didn't it?
Spencer's looking a bit twitchy and squinty today. It's good they got to watch the eviction.
Toadfish: enjoy those happy feelings, they're not going to last long. Bye Sam, you dick. I retract my vote for you yesterday. Vile. Fuck off. There's nothing worse than people who don't want to be in there and just coast around for the money. That's what Claire is trying to do, but she's about to come unstuck.
Why is Frankie telling the girls to 'take their make-up off and put their pyjamas on?' Is he their dad?
Spencer and Heidi didn't shake it up when they went back in there; Rylan did!
Claire should have just apologised IMMEDIATELY. Just hold your hands up, say you've been caught out, and you were out of order. Even if you don't mean it, just say it and not come off like a cock.
Rylan, you DO play up to the cameras! 'Fuck off back to America.' Racist!
'Nice to see you.'
Rylan took the pathetic way out in that argument as well: 'everyone else was doing it.' That's how Hitler rallied the troops, wasn't it?
Spencer to Rylan: 'you can't be a real person.' He's not been to Essex, has he?
Claire's keeping her head down! How does she keep her hair that colour? I wish my hair was that colour. You're right, you should have known better. All of you should have. Now just say 'sorry, we shouldn't have said it and it must have been hard to watch, but you are kind of pricks.'
Gillian washing up fence-sitting! You can tell more by looking at the fence-sitters than the ones kicking off. My boyfriend pointed out that Frankie camoflagued himself under the kitchen worktops. That's good fence-sitting, chameleon fence-sitting. 
Tricia: 'why have you gone for Claire?' Perhaps not one to ask at this point. Spencer and Heidi have a graph of all the different levels of hate towards them. And all the different ways they're going to get them back.
When Heidi said Gillian 'didn't say one word' did she mean about them, or just in general? Could be either. 
Razor and Toadfish think it's all a great laugh, let's see how long that lasts.
Rylan's having an emotional breakdown. Come on Rylan, ramp up the waterworks! All Rylan cares about is how it's affecting his game and how he looks to the public. It's not about him, it's about Spencer and Heidi. Rylan's giving off a big General Zod vibe tonight.
Spencer 'is not kissing Heidi for the benefit of the group.' I don't believe him! He's just spinning it. He said he doesn't even kiss his own mum. Mind you, I don't think I do, either. I do kiss my boyfriend, though. On his birthday.
At least Claire apologised. Toadfish: 'so you do kiss each other?' He wasn't trying to 'lighten the mood', he was being spiteful. He didn't say it in a jokey way at all. I actually find him quite sly and I can barely stand to look at him anymore. He's got an agenda bigger than Spieidi's.
Spencer and Heidi weren't even being nasty when Razor kicked off! He just puffed up like a puffa fish, all aggressive! I think he just wanted a row. Heidi: 'Let's get security in here!' She knows the drill! Hilarious. Kick Razor out, lol. At least he's finally done something worth commenting on.
I wouldn't like Razor coming at me like that, it's quite intimidating. Heidi and Spencer aren't bullying, they're just having their say. They've listened to people slag them off for two days; are they meant to come back in and say nothing?
Rylan enjoyed it when Razor kicked off. Toadfish is lying that he was trying to lighten the moment. Having an opinion is not BULLYING.
Razor going back into the house: 'he won't say nothing, he's shit himself.' THAT'S the Razor I'm waiting to see. Spencer does look a bit cowed.
My boyfriend on the Spontags: 'they're not so much a couple as a military unit.'
What is this rule about 'shouting' on Big Brother? Big Brother is all about shouting. Big Brother should be 50% shouting at all times. Did they give him a warning? His mum will be shocked... I doubt it.
Claire shifting the blame again! What a coward. Just admit you're a bitch. Stop dropping other people in it, you cow. Take responsibility.
Toadfish's apology was even snarky. I can't stand this bloke, he's the most underhand person in the house, and that's saying something.
I'm like Rylan in that I get mad when people won't stick up for me, but the fact is, he started that argument, so why should they?! If he's not learnt that the house will always be 80% fencesitters, he's obviously never seen Big Brother before.
Spencer is concerned about their safety. I LOVE it when Americans start asking to speak to their lawyers. It was like the twins last year. That's not how Big Brother works, Spencer. Now stop being a drama queen, it's like he's trying to outdo Rylan.
'Backtrack, backtrack... it was all said in jest... whatever.' Rylan is doing some serious histrionics here. 'I'd like to forgive and forget... but I don't I think I can.'
Was this next DR entry filmed AFTER the chat with the lawyers? Heidi and Spencer skulking back down to the basement! Are they just going to live there the whole time? They don't even kiss and hug down there, do they. I doubt they even spoon at night.
Big Brother doesn't tolerate violent or threatening behaviour! CONOR CONOR CONOR CONOR! You fucking lying bastards. Or is it only threatened violence against women that's allowed. Knobs. Sort your show out, you mugs.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: No mercy, no surrender, no retreat

Bit peed off about this eviction as I'd rather lose Tricia/ Claire/ Lacey etc than Toadfish or Sam. I think Sam 'has more to give', lol. And although I don't like Toadfish, he's got the potential for more of a kick off than a lot of the others.
Why don't you cook for yourself, Heidi and Spencer?! Then no one will poison you.
Holds up, Rylan. Drop me out. They are all slagging Spencer and Heidi off round the breakfast table! Charming. Booo! Uh oh, Spencer's taking deep breaths. Anger management! He looks MAD.
Uh oh, Sam is calling Spencer boring! This should get him a few votes. Their shit list is three miles long right now! I feel sorry for them, is that wrong.
Why have they got so much soap? Who cares? Heidi hates the sheeple! Those litte pre-filmed clips they have of Heidi and Spencer are hilarious. God, this show would be dead without them.
Toadfish torture! Push the button. Spencer on Toadfish: 'he's like a serial killer.' Pot, kettle, black. Toadfish just said he missed them and they covered him in dogshit, by the looks of things. Thems the breaks.
I wonder how they'll bring Spencer and Heidi back into the house? And ARE they going to kick off? I mean, really? COULD they win it off a sympathy vote? I'm not so sure, because they're not sympathetic characters.
Sorry it's cold outside, Brian. I'm sure you're being paid enough. Brian is saying it's neck and neck. He wasn't saying that last week, so is it? I voted to save Sam, but I'm not THAT bothered.
Heidi looks genuinely sad when she sees people bitch about her, and she looked sad on the live feed last night.
That was a nasty thing of Rylan to say about 'the only cock she's had is a bull's one'. That must be really horrible hearing people say that about you and about her being 'a goer'. I thought that Tricia Penrose was quite nasty, too.
Detective Rylan is on the case! Luckily he's a shit detective, though. Razor's stomach is making me feel sick. Heidi and Spencer 'don't kiss cheeks.'
Basement dwellers: 'No mercy, no surrender, no retreat. We're Americans.' God bless America? What about God save the Queen? Nah, fuck that bitch. Is there a single housemate who didn't slag them off? I don't think so.
I like Sam's hair, he's quite dishy really. I think he's gonna go, though.
Everyone's getting booed! Ah, well. That was a LOOOOOOOOOONG gap Brian did there. The crowd were shouting 'get Ryan out'. I feel like Sam didn't really have a fair chance. All the arseholes in that house and he's leaving. You think he'd be a prime candidate to float to the end. Why are they booing him? It can't be 'trollop gate' as I just made that up.
On that dull as fuck live feed last night Sam said he wanted to go. That live feed thing was just a swiss to make us not want live feed anymore. We're not that stupid.
I don't like Sam's attitude much. I hate people who say they're happy to go. He'll be glad he missed the Spencer and Heidi reunion.
Sam's got leggings on and winklepickers. Who does he think he is, Noel Edmonds? You have to be anorexic to wear skinny jeans like that if you're a man, otherwise you look like a lady.
Sam moaning about the show being boring. That's because of people in the house being boring. I saw Sam's real girlfriend in Heat, she looked like Boy George.
Defensive much in this interview! Fuck off back to your glittering career! If he's saying 'we knew it' about Spencer and Heidi, why were they slagging them off so much.
Sam: 'it's more fun to watch than it is being in there.' Ha!
They could have brought Spencer and Heidi in better. Claire looks mortified! I liked the highlights package, though.
Spencer and Heidi were right about Paula and Sam and how they shouldn't have been voted off. LOL, Spencer and Heidi are getting to choose the nominations. Their nomination for Claire is fair enough, but not Rylan! You can call Rylan a lot of things, but not dull. That should be disallowed. At least the other housemates get to nominate too.
Seriously, are we not going to get to see them go back in? DROP ME AHT. Bare jokes. You SWINES!
Oh we are getting to see them come back in, briefly. Heidi gave them all the pointy finger of death.
Spencer shook a few hands. Heidi took a few names: 'there's no place like home.' I like the fact they refuse to hug anyone. Toadfish looks twitchy.
Ooooooooooh Rylan started that row! He made it all about him immediately. Rylan: 'do you think I'm playing up to the cameras?' Heidi: '100%'.
Spencer's vein is going in his neck. I literally can't BELIEVE they stopped the show there. I cannot actually believe it. It's like stopping fight night 3 seconds in. Honestly, they treat their viewers like scum. If EVER an hour of live feed was needed, it was then. What a fucking joke. DROP ME OUT. Absolutely pathetic. They don't want us to see it live, they want to cut it to pieces and have us feel the way they want us to about it. Sickening. Why couldn't the show have been extended by half an hour?! Argh!!!
Who's going to come out on top there, though, Rylan or Spencer? We knew Rylan would snap at some point. And here it is. I just hope this doesn't end up costing me!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Basement Pratts

For once I don't know who's up for nomination as I've been ill asleep most of the day so have avoided any spoilers. I do like the twist, but it is 'engineering'; it was quite nice when Spencer and Heidi were getting on with the others in a way. And it's obvious people are going to bitch when you're not around anymore. So in a way, the whole thing is a bit of a stitch up. But I guess that's the name of the game now. I liked Heidi's softer side, such as it was (like when she was exchanging gifts with Paula), but let's face it, it's impossible to know who or what Spencer really are and what they really think, so we might as well suck it up and enjoy the drama. In a way it's sad that once again Spencer and Heidi are being ostracised, even for a task. I think it's good for them to integrate with normal humans.
Paula: 'I thought I was going to come into a bunch of plastic people relying on their talent.' No, no talent here. They're wrapping this eviction up early on in the show which gives me some hope that shit kicks off later.
My boyfriend made a good point that if Spencer and Heidi really wanted to leave they'd make them wait overnight, like they always do. God, Heidi's voice! It could make a shy bald Buddhist repent and commit a mass murder. What did Razor mutter under his breath then? And why wasn't it subtitled?
Heidi's doing some good actressing here! You can see why she did so well on The Hills. 'Lacey, why didn't you save me?'
Rylan's onto it! He's not stupid. If he knows what's what, just don't slag off Spencer and Heidi and you win.
So how did they fit that basement up with the starts and stripes and the Pomeranian pics so quickly? It doesn't look that luxury to me. Spencer and Heidi looking at the pictures of their dogs was probably the most honest moment I've ever seen out of them. They actually seemed like real people just for one second.
Rylan: 'there's something going on here, my head hurts.'
Spencer, don't sacrifice anymore of your dignity, for God's sake, there's only 0.0001% of it left.
Rylan telling them to go... whoops! I think he meant that in a nice way, but it's going to be turned on it's head by everyone. Just smash through the door like when John James went running through the camera runs! That was funny. That WAS the fire door that John James went through. Spencer should have kicked it!
LOL to them kissing the America flag. Heidi found it funny when Claire was slagging Spencer off. It was interesting what they said about them not kissing. It's true, they're not very romantic. I can't imagine them having sex in the basement, can you?
Poor Paula's leaving has been rather overshadowed, hasn't it?
Heidi nodded when Sam said 'their life sounded hideous.' Yay, they're turning on Toadfish! He was their champion yesterday. I've never heard Toadfish bitching before! You've got to be a bit more wily, Toadie. We've seen this task a million times. We think Sam knows and is saying 'the right thing', and we think Rylan knows, too. Toadfish is just too stupid to see what's right in front of his nose.
I like the way Heidi just thrust the glass of wine at Spencer. My boyfriend has now gone to get a glass of wine; advertising!
So they're doing live nominations at 1am? Face to face! So who are the easy options to do face to face? They can't put up too many favourites or they'll lose them. I think Lacey's vulnerable and possibly one of the old dears? I hope no one is going to do 'The Situation' shuffle with the cards and cheat.
Toadfish nommed Sam! Strategy! Not a 'housework' vote. Zzzz. I hate that, it's such a cop out vote. Boooooo indeed! Toadfish also nominated Rylan! Then Heidi stuck up for Rylan! Heidi: 'Toadface...Toadjerk.' LOL. What about the vows? Ah the vows was just a public thing, now they're gone he's showing his true Toady colours. Spencer and Heidi are racing towards the final at this rate.
What are these 'singing games'!? Why is everyone nominating Sam? He seems pretty inoffensive.
Tricia nominated Razor for snoring. It's not his fault.
Heidi slagged Razor off and then stuck up for him in the space of about two seconds. Claire's face when Sam nominated her. I like his nominations! Why is Kaff crying her eyes out? Drop me out.
Why is Sam wearing red leggings?
Line of the series so far: 'Shut up, Toadman.' Sam is getting nominated because he's the easy vote! Booo!
Even when Heidi and Spencer kissed and went 'hey sister' they still barely kissed. I feel sorry for Sam now. We think C5 will want Toadfish to stay because they're plugging neighbours, but hopefully the voters will get wise and do the opposite like we did with Aaron (of Aaron and Faye fame) after they bashed him on BOTS night after night.
Toadfish looks upset he's up! I'm surprised there's so much hate for him, so much for 'the funniest guy ever'. Claire's nomination reason for him was: 'even when they gym wasn't open he was exercising and something from my past brings back bad memories.' What the fuck sort of reason is that for nomination someone?! Sorry about that, Claire. Sorry for exercising. Weirdest nomination reason EVER. Psychotic. That would NOT be accepted in the Diary Room.
Don't worry about 'being left at the end' Gillian. Toadfish's exercising is costing him dearly. He doesn't look very fit for someone who's always exercising.  He just looks like a spudhead.
Heidi and Spencer change their minds every two minutes about who they like! Frankie nominated Razor! Brave.
Save Sam! I think he's vulnerable in a head-to-head with Toadie. I'll forgive him for trollop gate.
LOL Toadie, all your toadying didn't pay off. I'm surprised Lacey wasn't up. Sam's suddenly become a lot more interesting because he can form an alliance with Heidi and Spencer.
Spencer: 'shut your little Toadfish mouth and go back Down Under.' This who's real/ who's fake talk is bending my mind. So fake they're real. I fake it so real I am beyond fake. Oh, Heidi and Spencer. I really hope you come second. You're amazing.
The most fun Spencer has had on a reality show is spying on people. Spencer's missing some good shit here that Heidi's watching. Liked Spencer's comment on the kissing, 'what are you Claire, some sort of perv?'
These housemates are thick as shit. Tricia: 'I'm glad they're gone.' Can anyone be this stupid to say that? Has she never watched Big brother before and seen a secret task? Claire: 'no one can be that naive' about Spencer and Heidi. You'd be surprised, Claire, you'd be surprised.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The jetlag defence

Save Spencer and Heidi! I've phoned twice, I think that's my limit. So today my 'research' found that Spencer was touting a sex tape of Heidi and one of those twins Denise Welch sexually assaulted last year when they split up. That's true love, right? It's probably why she got back with him, just to shut him up.
My boyfriend wants Frankie out and thinks people might forget to vote for him. Plus it would serve him right for thinking he's so popular he'll stay in. I'm not so sure, I'm pretty sure Paula's a goner.
Crowd are chanting 'get Paula out'. That will be good for her mental illness. Drop her out!
The thing with Heidi and Spencer is they've threatened shit, but they've not done anything except be a bit frigid and controlling. They were even bigging up Toadfish yesterday. Where's our super villians? Toadfish probably thinks that's gonna win him the show. Which goes to show how little he knows.
Shit-stir task! I love the shit-stir tasks. And Heidi gets to pick on Lacey. Gunge is a bit 80s, though.
Razor on Gillian covered in gunk: 'like her face when she got out of the Range Rover.' Gillian was quite a good sport about that. Razor hasn't bugged me as much as I thought he was going to so far.
Is Paula actually helping out on this task? Or just piously telling Heidi's she's got everything wrong?
What did Paula do in Take That's last video? Make the tea?
'If you said you fell in a ditch, she'd say she fell off a cliff.' Paula: 'I don't even know what that means.' Get a sense of humour, you miserable cow. ALL of them have said similar things about Paula. Negative?! Fucking hell, she should know. Get her out! Paula got a bigger boo after that. She's got her coat on, so she's obviously ready to roll. I wanted to see what dirt they said about Heidi and Spencer in that task.
Vote beg. Will Heidi and Spencer even do it? Rylan: 'say something about horses.' Heidi and Spencer: the jetlag defence. I'm surprised they even bothered. Spencer didn't get a word in edgeways.
Paula looks nice with a bit of slap on.
The first thing out of Sam's mouth this week and he says 'trollop'. Should have kept that mouth shut, you sexist dick.
It's grannies bathtime; mind the gap. Don't worry, I'm an equal opportunities hater; Razor is more grotesque than all of them. Paula is being a bit aggressive with that bottle. Seal off the area.
What is Rylan squirting at people? Crisp and dry?
Gillian's non-blowjob account is about as realistic as Paula's 'swerved to avoid a deer' story.He had pancreatic problems and he undid his trousers? WTF. Lacey: 'so what if you did.' LOL. 'We can't lie, everyone's done it.' Speak for yourself! That made me laugh. I would like to have seen a close up on Heidi's face when she said that.
Yeah let that trollop Sam push the button. Fail, fail, fail! They passed! See Razor's tattoo? 'To dare is to do.'
Can I just make my position on onesies clear? They are vile. They suit no one. They are babygros for adults. We will look back and laugh at all those who ever zipped themselves into one. Not even skinny people look good in them. Here ends the onesie speech.
Paula: 'you're a jockey, what the hell do you know?' What 'career' does Paula have? Tabloid nutcase.
Rylan's hair looks AWFUL. It's too black. I'd like to see his ginger roots.
Spencer in the Diary Room: 'I wouldn't want to hang out with us, either.' Ha. Hold on, what about the jetlag? Have they still got it? Did they change their mind overnight?
Kevin Bacon would be good in CBB. I think he costs a bit too much, though.
What the fuck is with these Neighbours adverts with Toadfish in? It's like brainwashing!
If you're watching on Channel 5 plus 1, go fuck yourself.
Paula's got something for Heidi. Is it the stash? Why is Spencer always wearing teacher fleeces? Heidi is giving Paula a bracelet that's 'divine love from God and everything like that.' Cool. This is like Alcoholics Anonymous or something. It will be a shame to break up this party.
WTF is a karate license? Which colour belt is that? She's quite threatening! Hide the knives.
Frankie on Rylan on X Factor: 'another fucking dickhead putting it on.' Charming! Frankie needs to work on his 'reassurance'. He's really upset him! Ha. Drop me out, Rylan. Pull yourself together.
Notice how Frankie's getting a bad edit now the voting has closed? Skulduggery!
LOL to Razor telling it like it is, 'so you've upset him'. A bit of straight talk doesn't go awry in that house. Rylan: 'it was just a tired cry - I just needed five minutes.' Rylan's looking pasty.
Rylan to Paula: 'you keep me sane.' Enough said.
Natalie Cassidy: get off my screen or I'll get my mascara out. What's going on with her fringe? Honestly, she was on The Wright Stuff this week, too. The only place I want to see Natalie Cassidy is on Very Important People and I think they've cancelled that show (boo). A Natalie Cassidy advert followed by an advert about tackling 'soapscum'. These jokes write themselves.
Brian: 'I'm actually quite excited.' Don't go overboard. 'Get Paula out.' There's nothing wrong with her ears, is there.
Why has she come out in John McCruick's hat? Diet Coke! It is a bit of a shame she's gone considering how much deadwood there is in the house, but I suppose it's to be expected and at least it wasn't the terrible twosome. That was the shortest time before an ad break ever. It's like watching US TV.
Is that Brian's earpiece we can hear? That could be interesting! How does he concentrate with that in his ear? Notice it was all the dullards who voted Paula out.
The crowd shouting 'who are ya?' Charming! Is that it for Paula's interview? That was about three seconds. 'Off, off, off, off!' We're a charming bunch, you can see why Alex Jones hates us all. Why does Paula hate Frankie so much?
Paula looks livid watching her best bits. Start blaming the editing!
This twist is going to be good because everyone's going to be slagging them off when they're in the 'bedsit'. God save the Queen! LOL and they get immunity next week! Hilarious. I'm looking forward to seeing the new basement. What does that house smell like?!
LOL to Spencer dismissing Heidi's strategy. So what was the twist going to be if Spencer and Heidi weren't saved? FIX, etc. Do you think they had a Paula-style basement set up too? No. I think it will the be like the 'crypt'; TV gold, except this WILL be TV gold. Could do with some live feed now!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: My brain had gone all rubbery

Don't you just love it when your Sky planner misses off the first part of your favourite show? Paula's brain has gone 'all rubbery'. Take that sheepskin hat off, then. Her 'products' do just revolve around sheep shearing, don't they? Somewhere in Wales, there's a field of sheep, shivering. And somewhere just above Wales, there's a spaceship full of sheep, zooming off into the galaxy. Baaaaaaaaaa!
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay. 
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Nom-cry

Hello, I've been out drinking woo woo's so who knows how this will go. So I already know who's up for nomination because I watched BOTS, and I'm pretty sure Psycho Kid and his moll will survive up against Paula. Why do they get up so early in the morning? WTF is he doing in the garden? Heidi 'likes everyone'. Only if Spencer says so. I like the fact they have collective and not individual nerves to get on. These two are one piece of work. Spencer is such a kiss arse, pretending he's interested in Frankie's plane crash. Spencer is only interested in one thing; mind control. Alivina the chipmunk is excited about nominations. She'll be excited when she gets all ten votes.
Paula crashed her car 'to avoid Bambi.' Yeah, OK. Frankie 'allegedly' failed the drug test. Doesn't seem like there's much allegedly about it.
People who make anagrams out of words i.e. 'bitch' bore me senseless. Same with people who quote things, talk in proverbs or riddles. Just come up with something original, you drongo, as Toadfish would say. You dags!
Rylan is going to be hammy about nominations, isn't he? Ham, ham, ham. He needs to cool it a bit. Nominating Lacey equals eliminating the competition for Sam! He doesn't like Lacey interrupting 'serious conversations.' What serious conversations is Rylan having? The abortion limit? Quantitative easing? Syria?
Sam doesn't like the middle-aged harridans. Fair enough. He's just as dull, he's just prettier.
Interesting hearing Gillian talk as I don't think I've heard a word out of her yet. She didn't nominate Heidi and Spencer for genuine reasons. Just say they're arseholes. I like her voice.
Tricia nominated Sam. It's like the bland leading the bland. Paula is fucking boring. Me, me, me, me. Namedrop, namedrop, namedrop. Get rid! Interesting Lacy nominated Claire. I wonder what's going on there?
I like Paula describing Heidi and Spencer as caviler. That's a good word to describe them. Sam's getting a decent amount of nominations for someone so inoffensive. Maybe his inoffensiveness is offensive.
Paula: 'I've got an amazing nose.' Claire is doing some good 'harrumphing'. Probably not good to criticise someone's cooking mid-nominations, Paula. Claire is doing a nom-cry. She seems quite depressed in general. Paula is just plain annoying. I can't imagine anyone voting to save her.
I miss Toadfish's mohawk. He's probably not had it for about 15 years. Ah, Razor is one of those 'I'm trying to sleep' nominators, ie. a killjoy.
Is Heidi going to get to speak during these nominations? Oh, she did. That was gracious of him.
I like the way they gave out the numbers for the nominations, that put a nice little spin on it. They do that on the Australian show, too and it shit-stirs quite well. I think Spencer might go a bit 'Incredible Hulk' now.
Spencer has 'a feeling we're going to win.' Hmm. Not sure about that. 'The universe is quite strange.' True.
LOL to Rylan pretending to be in a relationship with David Beckham. 'Dave, give me a break.' Rylan: 'He could do worse.' Razor: 'He has.' Haha. Take that, Posh!
Paula: 'I'm going to pack and go now.' Fuck off then, you old toad. I'm tired of her histrionics already. She's such a martyr. She IS like Jasmine Leonard's mum.
Spencer whispering in Heidi's ear that no one likes her. Control freak alert! No one likes YOU, gimp.
Paula: 'this is going to affect my brand.' What brand? Toothless alcoholic?
Paula's going to 'jump the wall.' I hear members of Steps make good stepladders. Probably H is more useful than Claire, though. Paula: 'Big Brother, you've ruined my life.' Big Brother didn't vote for you, you old soak. It was your housemates!
Rylan: 'chop me out, drop me out': Stop it!
Paula to Big Brother: 'Stop talking like that, talk in your normal voice.' The Australian Big Brother would have no truck with that! When he gets pissed off with the housemates, he just sets the DR door to open automatically, it's so good.
What 'products' did Paula want to launch? Sheepskin coats? God, she's so spoilt. I can't bear it. 'I was really into helping you making this a great show.' Don't flatter yourself, you ninny.
Spencer is right in a way, it is in our hands, but the more he brags about being saved, the less people will vote for his annoying plate-face and his blow-up wife.
You don't have to be 'highly intelligent' to work out you're going home, Paula. Even Lacey could work it out. I think Paula is highly narcissistic. She's damaged goods, completely. It's a bit sick having her in there in a way, but no sicker than Trevor and Little Mo.
Is that fleece part of Spencer's own wardrobe? 'Magic kiss'? I'll pass.
Why is Paula blaming the women in the house for nominating her? Batshit crazy, that's why. She needs to get her head out of her arse. And off my screen. G'night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A coven of witches, with all due respect

Ok so I did some research today (by watching The Hills on MTV) and it turns out Spencer has completely brainwashed Heidi and cut her off from her family (and his, actually). He proudly told someone he doesn't let her watch TV or read papers as he doesn't want her being 'influenced by the Matrix' whilst she sat there smiling dumbly. She also cut off her friends and said she 'needed to concentrate on love right now.' That's not love, it's a hostage situation. I heard they think 9/11 is an inside job (well, he does, as he thinks for the both of them) so it's not all bad.
These tasks are dull... drains, electricity, what is this, DIY SOS? How ARE they gonna rig it to keep David Koresh and Barbie in there?
Did Heidi and Spencer agree to give the luxury breakfast to the basement dwellers? I've never seen anybody get so excited about breakfast, not even Chris Evans.
Paula: 'One person, lips are moving.' Well there's a black mark against you.
Ooh, Lacey called Rylan 'the star of the show'. Don't say that to Spencer! She said 'Kathy's son got his head flushed down the toilet by Phil Mitchell.' Er... that wasn't real. Now Phil Mitchell in the Big Brother house! That I'd pay to see.
You can tell Heidi doesn't get out much, because she's a nightmare in social situations. I also hate people who say 'British accent.' There's no such thing as a British accent, there's probably more than 500 'British accents'. I'm sure the Scottish and Welsh don't appreciate some hokey impression of the Queen being defined as their accent. Plus the only two British accents Americans know are from films: posh and cockney.
LOL, Heidi: 'These housemates are all icons.' I can assure you Trisha Penrose is NOT an icon, she's not even a pixel. I love the fact every year the American housemates think the UK housemates are household names. Some of these are barely household implements.
I don't think Rylan comes over as 'cocky.' He's quite self-effacing.
Frankie's being a martyr again, bless him! He's a smart cookie, isn't he, throwing himself to the sharks? But it's true, it's very unlikely he'll be voted out. I think the 'ultimate sacrifice' is something a bit more than putting yourself head to head with the Pratts.
I'm glad that stupid task is over. I hate divisive tasks. Razor in the bath: no thanks. And referring to women as 'birds' - lovely.
Oh dear, Heidi's not having kids because of Spencer. On the Hills I saw earlier she was trying to accidentally get pregnant. She's a 'servant of love.' No, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a Stepford wife. If someone like knocks against her accidentally and messes with her settings maybe she's just wake up and go 'Where am I?' then look in a mirror and scream.
The press have made out Paula's a nutter 'because she didn't have an agent or a manager.' Isn't it because you drunk-drove into a tree? I couldn't be less interested in Paula, Trisha, Gillian or Claire at the moment. I think they are suffering in the edit, though, but they're just not that interesting. Middle-aged women in the Big Brother house rarely are, I'm afraid to say.
I'm surprised Razor is getting on so well with Rylan. I think it's because Rylan and Frankie are tight. This farting thing could have definitely been left out of the edit; puerile.
I hate it when women start feeling other women's boobs on Big Brother. I'd knock someone out of they came near my boobs. It's such a weird thing, I've only ever seen it happen on Big Brother. Perhaps it's in their contracts?
How come Heidi is being so nice to Claire now? I think they're trying to do a bit of damage limitation here, like good cop/bad cop. I think it's too late.
Paula in her bikini, I mean she's not bad for her age but still, do we have to dwell on it? I'm glad didn't focus on Claire getting in the pool, like I thought they were going to, just to be nasty.
Are they allowed to talk about Heidi and Spencer being obvious nominees? Surely not. Could this be the get out clause?
Cooking wars between Claire and Paula! There's ALWAYS a battle over the kitchen isn't there, and it's always fucking DULL. Paula is a name-dropper and a braggard. Hope she goes this week. Bring on the nom noms!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Haves cannot stand us have-nots

Someone ticked the 'blah' box yesterday so I'd better watch myself! Blahblahblahblah. That's all this is! Just me blethering on.
Hi, everyone else! How are you? I feel a bit split between my £50 on Rylan and my enjoyment of the Spencer and Heidi. It would be criminal if they were out first, but how could it go any other way? I watched the clip on Spencer kicking off on I'm a Celeb US and he is a PROPER nutcase. He was soooo aggressive. Someone peeled a label off Heidi's dry shampoo and he started ranting about 'arts and crafts' and slapping things out of people's hands. You'd be out on your ear for that kind of aggression on our show *suddenly remembers Conor... not so sure*. Talking of Conor, I thought they were meant to apologise for his disgusting scumbaggery at the start of the show as Ofcom ruled that he was a sexist douchebag, or whatever? Oh well, as long as I never have to see his spudhead again, I'll be happy. But I'll never forget!
Anyway, on with tonight's festivities. I don't mind Frankie at all, actually, I think he might be my second favourite.
Paula is quite well camouflaged on that sofa under her Del Boy coat, I was hoping someone was going to slag her off! 'Really sick' - she seems OK now. I do give her respect for that actressing. Not bad at all.
I think the other housemates like Steps more than Claire does. I've always got the feeling she hated her own music.
Are they really poisoning them in the basement? Surely that's not allowed.
It's weird the way Heidi just laughs at everything Spencer says, even when it's not funny. It's like she's had her personality removed. From what I've read, he really controls her and cut her off from her family. She's obviously deeply disturbed, and I suspect, a bit thick.
Paula: 'In England, we say hello to people.' Yeah in America, they just go 'Put 'em up!'
I feel a bit sorry for Rylan because he's on the backfoot, but it's not his fault he had to make those choices at the beginning. I feel like Big Brother set him up a bit because he's such an obvious favourite. Ok, so he could have gone into the basement, but I wouldn't have.
Spencer looks angry when Heidi talks. She looks sad in general. That's why they're interesting to watch.
Rylan, I don't think semen 'eats away at the wall of the vagina.' That sounds like something out of a horror film.
Spencer and Heidi have been given a task: to be villians. Rylan: 'suit your fucking self.' LOL. I love the way he talks, he reminds me of my boyfriend a bit, not the accent, but the turns of phrase.
I don't think Rylan is helping this Montag situation. Heidi talks like a fucking chipmunk. Razor is rabble-rousing!
I wish they had shown Spencer slagging them all off in the basement Diary Room. Spencer is like an army general. No wonder he's got the camo on. When is someone going to break it to him that the BB house isn't a mansion, but just a TV studio?
Surprise, surprise, chief fence-sitter Toadfish offers to unblock the drains, a job that's quite suitable for such a dull man. It's not like it's real shit in there. The Scott and Charlene wedding music was a nice touch. Toadfish aint stupid, he wants to grab a few votes. I'd rather Alf or Fisher were in the house.
Spencer: 'that girl's not cute.' Heidi: 'which one?' Spencer: 'Any of them.' He prefers his women shop-bought.
I like Frankie's dry humour, and the fact he's letting Rylan hang himself. He played a shrewd game because he got himself off the hook with the Montags by sending them back up to luxury, plus making Rylan deal with the fallout. Best buddies, not quite!
Sam seems quite cool, just keeping his head down and his mouth shut. Good to stay under that radar, unless you're someone I want out.
Footballers Wives WAS ace and it had Nicky Platt in it as the David Beckham type. I'd love to know what Rylan's 'nest of tables' looks like.
LOL to Heidi and Spencer hiding under the foil when Spencer came in, what a pair of immature, rude bastards. No wonder he sent them upstairs; get shot! That was a purely selfish decision on his part.
They wanted Toadie. They got the Pratts. Hilarious. Notice they left the basement quick enough!
Frankie: 'I think it's going to kick off now, that's why I done it.' Ha! Brilliant.
I think Spencer preferred martyrdom in the basement, don't you? Aw, Frankie, 'Look after my Rylan and the girls will you?' Don't pretend to care now, we know your game!
I'm still not impressed with that DR chair, it's like someone's chucked an old rug on it.
Rylan is right not to trust that couple. They're not people, they're just characters. Anyway, I heard they're all out of the basement now, and I'm pleased. I despise tasks that separate the housemates, it's against the natural order of the show. Let relationships develop naturally. Let villains be the person you least expect. Let it be 2002.