Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Spiedi is a superpower

How does Claire make a fry up for that many people? Spencer looked like he had a proper plateful. Fried bread? I eat a lot of crap, but I'll never understand that. And with butter on first? That must be like 1000 calories alone.
Rylan was in Love Actually and Harry Potter, but blink and you'll miss him.
This thing about Rylan sending his clothes home to his mum is just storylining. I have a feeling it's going to be this sort of show tonight.
I'm glad to see Spencer is rocking a navy teacher fleece today. Oh, don't build snowmen, it reminds me of Alex Reid: 'Aiiiiiiiiish!'
Oh so they're going to a a 'Barbell media' stunt on Spontag. Would they fall for it? I guess they've never seen it before. Oh OK, so it's a fake webchat and the other housemates are questioning them. The tables are turned!  They've got that dude from BOTS interviewing them. Why would Spontag be so nasty in the interview? I don't believe it for a minute. They've been getting on with everyone! This doesn't ring true. I don't like it one bit.
Rylan is enjoying watching Speidi dig their own grave. But this feels like a total set up.
People on a laptop in the Big Brother house! Whatever next.(Mobile phones?)
Spencer calling people 'intense'! Would Spontag fall for this? This is weird. I think it's unfair on them, as weird as that sounds.
Rylan: 'You aint coming to Essex, you prick.' Don't worry, I don't think he was planning to. LOL, 'I bet you were an arsehole at 16 as well.'
It wasn't 'Toadfish jerk.' It was 'Toadjerk'. Get it right. Ha, 'I think they could be a travelling circus if they wanted to.'
Are Big Brother trying to start a bloodbath again? (yes).
They're back in the house. Frankie is so MEEK! He's sharpening the knives but he's not going to bury one in Heidi's back, more's the pity.
Don't you get it Tricia, the stuff on the task was an act, not the stuff in the house? No, I take that back; it's ALL an act, them in the house, them on the task, all of it.
An indignant and self-righteous Rylan is an annoying Rylan. He looks kind of cool tonight, though.
Ah, here's where they drop the bomb. I don't Rylan's going to sit back and be a wallflower now, do you? Ooh, he looks mad. Heidi's twitching. Rylan's come out with a few good one liners tonight.
Spencer: 'I don't have fun doing anything, actually.' What, not even having sex with your beautiful wife? Oh... I forgot, you don't. Are we going to get a 'sorry' out of Spontag? Nah. Heidi's gone very quiet.
Spencer: 'What's not us is weird.' Er... he's afraid of the 'other'. Learn some contrition!
Why has Rylan got foil on his fingers? Is he trying to stop aliens mind-controlling his fingertips? Frankie looks like he could happily wring some necks. I think the pressure of keeping things inside is getting to him. I wish he'd just pop, just like Razor did the other night.
Spontag, don't you feel in the least bit sorry for upsetting people? Sad.
Rylan, what's this 'I don't row with women' bullshit? Us women can probably take it.
I like the way Rylan pronounces 'row'. Rylan: 'they were made for each other.' They were made BY each other.
America party, yay! Spencer's Big Brother's very own George Bush right now.
This all feels too manufactured for my liking. Ah, they're plugging 'Maxitone' tonight, whatever that might be.
I don't believe Spontag for a minute that they knew. Rylan is doing a 'woe is me' face. Heidi: ;we're Americans. We're reality stars.'
At least Tricia has said SOMETHING at last. It was pretty pathetic, but it was SOMETHING. Look at Frankie crawling away again. What a baby. I CANNOT stand fencesitters. He's worse than a fencesitter; he's a fencehider. I don't think BB quite got the carve up they were looking for there, do you?
WTF is Spencer wittering on about Lady Gaga?
'Drop me out' returns! 'The gaff...': love it. At least Rylan acknowledges its good TV.
The snowmen in the garden are quite cute. Probably Spencer will kick them to death, and not even for a task.
Rylan: 'Hand job.' The funniest two words of the episode. Or is that one word? I loved them peering over and I loved 'she's tossing him off right now' followed by 'drop me out' and Rylan fanning his face like a prim old lady. Oh God. I think my £50 is looking safer by the minute. Amen!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Those girls are no joke

What's this, a whole series recap?  I watched a bit of The Hills on Netflix last night and Spencer looked so different; like almost good looking but not. Like scary but at least suntanned and young. He was being his usual psycho self, though. He must have done some HARD LIVING between now and then. Was sad to see Heidi looking all normal. It's funny how much of an impact one person can have on you. Scary.
They've gone a bit overboard with that fake snow in the Big Brother garden today, haven't they?
Rylan to Heidi: 'what colour's your hair naturally, mousy brown?' Oops.
Rylan boo-wooing about being too famous to shop because of being mobbed. Have you tried shopping online? Nothing worse than celebrities moaning about people coming up to them. You know what you signed up for.
Heidi, you're suitably dressed. Why is she being teacher's pet now? Spencer is NEVER suitably attired; he looks like he dresses out of Primark. Spencer doesn't like Heidi being told what to wear, I saw him start on someone out of The Hills on it.
A hot tub is no place to have a bath. Would be fun to do that in the snow! Obviously not much happened yesterday as we're dwelling on people having a wash for an hour.
Someone said Spontag never do any housework, but Heidi is sweeping! She's a veritable Cinderella. I don't like this new meek Spontag.
How did Heidi and Spencer get to be 'team captains?' Was it after a call to Saul again? I want Spontag tortured!
This is a horrible task. This is more I'm a Celebrity bullcrap as far as I'm concerned. This task is creeping me out. Eww, seagulls. Dinosaur eyes.
Why are they playing the 28 Days Later music leading up to eviction? Is there a zombie apocalypse coming? This dramatic music is quite good, it's making me feel a bit hyper. Is Spencer's granny hoodie his eviction outfit?
Spontag and Rylan looked REALLY shocked when Gillian went!
I like it when Heidi gets drunk and let's her hair down and dances like an idiot. Toadfish's dancing is funny, too. I love seeing people dancing on Big Brother. I would NEVER dance on TV.
Razor blew his 'a list' story of getting into restaurants with tales of getting the 'A1' seat on EasyJet.
Heidi and Spencer: 'the land of the free, the home of the brave exists... nowhere!'
Aw to Heidi going 'amen' to Rylan's passionate plea to be a parent. She's letting her real self show! Careful. Are Christians alright with gay parents? They're not really, are they. But anything for a vote.
What is 'fabricated reality'? That boggles the mind. 
Could Spontag win it? I think they'll come second. It would be a great shock if they won it and quite good fun. Now if only I hadn't put that £50 bet on Rylan.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's from a different universe

No baying mob because of the snow? Oh well. I was sent home from work early today because of the snow, had a nap and dreamt that Heidi walked and Spencer stayed. Can't see that happening but it was interesting, at least. 
Spencer and Heidi are sitting in 'their' corner. Do you think you get the stink eye if you sit on their bit of the sofa? I do. USA! Etc.
Frankie is doing a 'one Mississippi' walk in the garden. He's got his ninja gear on again. He's probably going to go hide behind a plot plant.
There's some 'Sculptress' in the gym. That must be the female Maximuscle.
Tricia 'who's going to pick up the phone and vote?' No one for you.
Spencer is rocking a grey teacher fleece today. When you start wearing teacher fleeces before you're 30, where is there left to go sartorially? I'm glad they said, 'If it's not us, we want him to win' about Rylan. Spencer and Heidi are being persecuted by the seagulls now.
It's a bit duff coming out to no crowd, isn't it? I'd be worried if I lived in Borehamwood, I bet the crime rate is going to rocket tonight.
Brian's putting out the audition advert: I would rather die than be a Big Brother housemate. It's bad enough being famous for something decent and getting hassled, let alone getting hassled for nothing.
I'm not surprised people think Kylie's English, apparently Australia has deserted her. Is Pete Waterman from Pink Floyd? Er, no. WAS Toadie in Neighbours at the same time as Kylie? He's been in it long enough. 
I wonder why they're giving Toadie all this airtime? NEIGHBOURS! When did Razor and Rylan film these angel and devil bits? Of course Toadie's going to go with the angels.Neigh-bours. I can't understand what Rylan's saying. That task was stupid. Filler! It wasn't hard enough.
Brian's jacket is coming undone. No one even told him during the break.
So it's not a double eviction?
I think they are being a bit strict with Spontag and Gillian, that wasn't really noms talk, it was more silly banter. I've heard a million times worse than that go unpunished.
Loving Spencer's pearly king outfit. Are they eating jellied eels? Groo.
Haha, my friend Sarah loves Chas and Dave. That Hell party is a bit too 'red' for me. LOL to Spencer and Heidi singing to Chas and Dave. They should play Snooker Loopy next. That's the end of my Chas and Dave knowledge.
Razor's teaching Toadie and Rylan 'puffa fish' training: I thought he was meant to stop attacking people?
Heidi on first meeting Spencer: 'He's an angel. He's from a different universe. He's so kind.' Is she on drugs? When you're really in love, you don't have to go on about it all the time. You don't have to get married three times. You don't have to prove it.
WTF was going on with Claire and Rylan in the bathroom there?
Spencer giving Spontag career advice. Didn't he 'retire' because he was caught doing a coke? Frankie to Spencer: 'you're so amazingly talented.' As what? Chief troublemaker? What a load of old flannel.
Rylan's dying his ginger beard. Nooooo! I want to see him ginger.
Oh no, Spontag like everyone again now! Boo. Quick, do a task, fuck it up again. Heidi's 'regretful for a lot of the things she's said.' Is this gameplay? Reverse psychology! They'll be cursing them all tomorrow.
Have they told them there's no crowd? They don't seem to be reacting. They're all waving like they're Who Wants to Be a Millionaire contestants.
How is Tricia safe?! Who voted for her? Kathy was on our screens for 20 years as Ian Beale's matriarch. That's weird. Fuck me, Heidi and Spencer actually gave her a kiss goodbye. They are being civil for once!
Aw, Kaff's going out to no crowd. That's what you get for doing NOTHING. You can blame the editing, and I do, but if she'd saying ANYTHING of interest it would have been shown.
Gillian's wrapped in an old throw. At least there was no one there to boo. I don't mind Gillian, she is boring, but she seems like a nice lady. I'm glad she didn't have to deal with the mob.
Don't worry, Gillian, you didn't get on anyone's nerves. You're also not there due to a rule break. But keep reading that autocue, Brian.
Why is she wrapped in that old throw, is her dress busted? How are they going to make this interview interesting?
I don't think Ryan is very popular in that house. Hanging up washing?! What sort of reason is that to future nominate?
Where is the visual evidence of Toadfish 'liking to keep fit'? He doesn't look very ripped to me.
Brian: 'we've seen it all, Gillian.' No, Brian, we haven't.
Gillian revealed Spencer and Heidi 'wouldn't separate for the tasks so things had to be changed.' What IS this?!Who's running this show?
Word association! Is this what it's all come to? Fuck me, these best bits are boring. Worst episode of this CBB yet. Cry bye, baby, cry bye.
We could really have done with a double eviction tonight. Wednesday is not such a good day for it, as I can't drink and stay up late bitching about it.
So it's vote to win now! No more noms. That's so rubbish. Nominations are one of the best bits. A week is too long to have no nominations. But should I really be surprised that BB have fucked it up again? Snow joke. Has anyone even made a snowman yet? Aiiiiiiisssssssh!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's no professional Big Brother-er

Dictator task! Is it tasteful to knock over a gold statue like they did with Saddam? I say yes.
I don't mind this anarchy, it's alright. Oh Razor, put it away. It's really gross. Rylan has set Spontag the task of defacing the flag. Will make a change from kissing it.
Toadfish was right with what he said about Spontag in that the public want them to stay but not win , but why does he think he can talk about nominations? Schoolboy error.
I want a poster with me on saying 'do as I say.'
We need subtitles for Frankie's speech! 'Mangestic butterflies'. That was funny when they caught Frankie in a net (like a butterfly!) Behead him! Yay, Toadie and Razor are getting it, too. Spencer kicked Frankie's decapitated statue head, ha. LOL to Spontag's 'prick/loser/dork' flag. I feel a bit sorry for Frankie in a way. He's been set up a bit.
I'm not liking Spencer's green teacher fleece tonight- or is that part of the uniform? How does Spencer know exactly what all the odds are of contestants staying and going? He's like Hollywood's own Paddy Power.
Hold on, Gillian speaks! I can't hear what she's saying, though. Spencer's like a cross between John James and Isaac Stout (Noirin's boyfriend); egomaniac nightmare. I notice Heidi's got flip flops on in the shower; probably scared of veruccas. Spencer can't spell his own wife's name. Nice sentiment, though, better than wiping your bum on someone's pillow.
Ew to Spencer scratching his crotch. I think Lacey said last night, 'all Spencer do is lie in bed and eat crisps.' Sounds alright to me. Do they want to win, do they not want to win!? Do they want to stay or go? They ARE like John James! They said they wanted to leave a minute ago. I don't get it. I think I find Spencer and Heidi's fake affection more baffling than their non affection.
Razor: hand down pants. OMG his snoring is DISGUSTING. He's like a farmyard animal. I can't even cope with the rain on the window at night.
Lacey thinks the public might think Spontag are 'boring'. Spencer: 'she's like a throwaway.' Nice.
God, I hate onesies SO much. They should all be confiscated and burnt at the stake. One day they will be as reviled as the shell suit.
Why do Spontag think they're entitled to be liked when they're so odious to everyone? All they say is poisonous things! I want to stroke the furry walls of that igloo. Hold on, that doesn't sound right. I must admit, Spontag are getting on my nerves a bit. But they're still making me laugh.
They've got that nasty Hovis bread in the house! Where's the Warburtons? I think Rylan is genuinely worried about the eviction. I was glad when he got so much support, it really means the world to him.
Claire's hair is still looking white after all this time in the house. What shampoo is she using to keep her hair that colour? I want it! I'm going to tweet her after the show. Maybe I'll tweet her husband.
Rylan's face when Spontag was saved was funny. 'In no particular order' means 'in the most dramatic order possible.'
You're next out, Tricia. Spencer and Heidi don't have a 'strategy'. They are just gits. I love Rylan's emotion. I wonder if Nicole Scherzinger is watching this?
Rule-break! 'Don't waste it, put it elsewhere.' I like Toadie's t-shirt but not on him. Looks like Razor and Toadfish got what they wanted from that conversation: the girls up. Mission accomplished. Not much of a punishment. Oh Toadie, take responsibility for your actions.
'Shame shame shame, we know your name.' Morrissey has a song about that. Claire's on champagne watch. Beware!
Ha, Spencer calling Toadie a cheat and a rookie. 'They wanted them to leave minutes ago.' He IS the funniest in the house.
Ooh, the Toadfish backlash has begun. Spencer's drinking wine out of a mug. I hope it's not contaminated.
Spontag are PDAing! She's drunk. I wouldn't miss sex after two weeks. I always find it weird when people say that on Big Brother; control yourselves!
Razor can't 'remember' influencing the vote. He's always crawling to the public in the Diary Room.
Toadfish on gay parents: 'first of all being gay is wrong'. They could edit that badly, hahaha. 'Being gay is wrong. Being gay is wrong'. I want to edit that for my podcast! Imagine if you'd turned on then and just heard him say that. Oh Toadie, stop being so PC. Jeff from BBUS wouldn't like you. YOU KNOW!
Spontag are drunk! Telling Kathy she's a 'national treasure.' I think they mean 'fossil.'
Toadie, stop toadying, FFS! Heidi's getting frisky. I think I preferred her frigid. Now she's stroking her own boobs and laughing about Hula Hoops. Haha, she's making a right twat of herself. What flavour Hula Hoops is that, in a purple packet? I'm not familiar with that flavour!
Heidi doesn't want to 'be herself.' Who else is she going to be? She can't cope with someone being nice to her, it's against her gameplan. You could see the wires showing then.
What sort of sex talk is this from Spontag? 'Do you want me to roll onto you?' Eh? Is this secret code? 'Invitation... leg over... you can't move it... keep it there... it's innapropriate, it's stuck, you can't adjust... I'm already locked in deep. I want another one.' Another what? 'Good night my hero.' 'You should drink beers more often.' Goodness me. This is some freaky shit. You never see the night vision anymore, do you? Maybe the celebs have a clause against it. We're gonna do a catch up podcast now just for the hell of it! See you later.

Big Brother USA: The best programme on TV. Ever.

My boyfriend and I have spent the last year watching seasons 3-12 of Big Brother US. I've already seen four or five of those seasons before, but had forgotten enough to still make them interesting. The only reason we haven't watched season 2 is because I know who won (but I suspect we'll still watch it now out of desperation) and 1 because they probably hadn't honed the game properly then. I think it was more like the UK version then.
Big Brother USA is almost completely different to the UK version. The only similarities really are the cameras, the eviction, and the diary room. BBUSA is a billed as a three month long power struggle, and it is HARDCORE. The public doesn't vote, the housemates do, and people you like get evicted the first week, while evil scumbags walk off with the half a million dollars. They mention the money every five minutes, they lie, betray best friends, scream at each other, are freely racist/ offensive without getting thrown out, smash shit up without getting thrown out, and generally just behave like animals. It's brilliant! I don't know how they hold their heads up when they get out of the house, they are mental cases.
Each week there is a fight for Head of Household (HOH) and the tasks are epic, like scenes from Hollywood films (well, some of them). I HATE the tasks in UK Big Brother but in Big Brother USA the contestants life in the house depends on the tasks, so they really matter. It's about as close to enjoying sport as I'll ever get. They have endurance tasks where they hang people off a hook/ spin them round/ put them in a box/ soak them with water all night and just see who lasts the longest. That sort of thing really sorts the people who want it from the people who don't (unless someone tries to 'cut a deal' with you to guarantee your safety and then goes back on their word! I've seen that shit happened enough times).
The HOH nominates two people each week, but and then 6 of the housemates play another competition 'Power of Veto'. If someone on the block (ie. up for eviction) wins the veto, the HOH has to nominate another person. Now you might just think the most annoying/ hated person goes each week like in ours, but quite the opposite. The friendlier, funnier and fitter you are, the more likely you are to get the boot as no one wants to compete against you at the end. So they vote out everyone strong, fit and, well, good, and at the end the seven housemates who got evicted last sit in a jury house, and decide who should win out of the final two. It's normally two people they can't fucking stand because they've all been stabbed in the back by them. And then they have to award them 500,000 dollars (and the runner up gets 50,000). Haha!
You also don't really get to vote with your own free will, there's always a 'sheep vote' where the HOH basically decides who should be evicted and bullies everyone else into voting the same way. Occasionally some serious scheming goes on behind backs, and the HOH gets a nasty surprise. Always good. However once you have a big enough 'alliance' ie. people on your side, you can basically control the votes each week, so some series' a really crappy bunch of people will evict everyone decent, or anyone who stands out or doesn't fall into line, so sometimes it's really frustrating as some really rubbish characters outstay their welcome just because they've got the numbers. But then other years, everything falls into place, and you actually get a fairytale ending.
There have been so many amazing moments over the series, Marcellas's fatal error, Janelle's run as the best female player ever, Kaysar's handsome uselessness, Howie's childish boorishness, Evil Dick and Danielle (a father and daughter who hadn't spoken in three years reuinited in the house- literally explosive viewing), the amazing dastardliness of Dan, the reign of the Nerd Herd, Brendan and Rachel's hilarious romance, Enzo's meow meow, and so many more I can't even remember. So many characters and arguments and genuine twists, not the bullshit you get on our BB (which is still magical viewing in its own way). People sell their own mother to win that show, and it's brilliant to watch. They also only have 3 episodes a week, and they cut it to fuck, so it runs like an amazing soap or drama, with no boring bits. Another really clever thing they do is they hold the HOH competition right after the eviction, so you're always set up for another week, and things can go completely from one side to another from week to week. Everything hinges on the tasks. It literally can turn on a dime, as they are fond of saying.
The host, Julie Chen (Chenbot), is like a stiff newreader type, which is completely at odds with the rest of the show, but you grow to love her a bit. She's there, year after year in an array of 'interesting' outfits.
We have happily watched four episodes in a day, and now we've run out (well, until S13 starts in July) I don't know what we'll do with ourselves.
If you've never watched any and you fancy it, start from season 2 or 3 so you don't ruin who the later winners are, and you've got a year's worth of entertainment ahead. You can even watch 'em all on Youtube. If you like reality, this is the ultimate reality show, there's no question.
Who goes? We don't decide. They do!

Wife Swap USA

'If you're not happy, act like you're happy and you'll start to feel happy.' NO! You'll turn into a children's television presenter! The God botherer family was hilarious, I loved their Waltons-esque singing into the answerphone. Scary as fuck.
The other family were 'wild' ie. they swore a bit and the mum worked for a rock radio station. So it was a bit like Mary Poppins swapping places with Sharon Osbourne. Sharon did a fantastic impression of Mary P without ever having met her.
The religious people said things like 'loose moral character' and 'we need to train our kids up'. Just let your kids become the people they are meant to be! The religious kids said they had no need to be happy. The rock daughter was having fun being a groupie (which I'm sure was making a whole tourbus of people happy). It was a shame she changed her ways.
I thought the rock wife chucked the Bible into the fire for a minute! But she just threw their rota in the fire instead. Cue tears!
The moral of the story, as always, is just be somewhere in between, not a crackpot, or a satanist.