Big Brother 2013: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, journey, journey, journey, journey

Evening! I just watched two episodes of Big Brother US, so you can't say I'm not having a productive start to the week. I've also been drinking! Here's to life.
WHY are Charlie and Hazel still sharing a bed?! There must be spare beds in the house now, there's only three weeks left. Didn't Dan have a bed?
Charlie PLEASE STFU about the 'Daley situation'. Charlie: 'she knows I've got issues with not thinking before I speak.' TRY THINKING BEFORE YOU SPEAK THEN.
Callum is going to put his foot down 'briefly'. That was smooth, Callum, real smooth.
Charlie is saying sorry, despite Dexter saying she wouldn't. Charlie: 'yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.' STOP SAYING THAT.
Look how good Hazel looks compared to Charlie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hazel is being quite reasonable.
Following task. Well, it's not like they can get away from each other, is it? They can't pop down the shops.
Twins can barely fit in that Diary Room chair anymore. They're having to take it on an angle now.
My boyfriend just went 'Where's Dan?' Good question.
Here's a classic example of them talking about being famous afterwards. You're not going to be! The twins don't class themselves as TV personalities. That's lucky. Dexter: 'we've signed our own death warrants.' Not quite.
Nominations! I don't know who's up. I normally do. Is there a twist?!
Gina nommed Jack and Joe and Hazel. I notice she didn't nominate Dexter.
Even Sophie is getting involved in the twins actressy arguments now. As if two doing it wasn't bad enough.
Charlie is nominating Callum. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Why don't you tell Callum how you feel about him if he's bugging you! Charlie can't have 'in depth conversations' in front of the twins. Does she mean endlessly banging on about themselves? Those twins should walk in more often. Charlie didn't nominate Hazel, even after cucumbergate. Good.
The twins are nominating Dexter! Haven't they got the memo yet? OMG I just realised no one's nominating Hazel! LOL! They must realise she's a shoe in to go?! These people have got NO GAME. Their strategy is nil.
I'd LOVE to see Callum, Charlie and the twins up! Deadwood fire! Callum and Sam are in the 'lad's banter' chairs.
Hazel put up Callum for not sticking up for her. Fence sitter! Ooh, Hazel didn't nominate Charlie either. Interesting. Dexter votes. She didn't even nominate Gina. She must know it's pointless.
Dexter, desperate: 'I need a cuddle.' Dexter, get the hint, you freak. Charlie must wear some AMAZING perfume because I have NO CLUE what they see in her.
Sam nominated Sophie! Those safe house bonds are strong. Dexter's picking up a few. I don't think he'll go, though.
Sophie nominated cringebag Callum for sexually assaulting the 'spray tannist' and Hazel (boo).
Callum nommed Dexter and said 'he should be arrested because it must be illegal to talk that much crap.' He's been working on that one. Should have had a word in Dan's ear when he was in there. I knew Callum would nominate Hazel because it's a kiss-ass vote to Charlie.
Dexter nominated Callum and the twins. That means Hazel, Callum, twins and Dexter are up. I wish it was vote to save and then Callum would go. I wish Hazel had dodged that bullet this week. I hope it's a double eviction.
The twin getting stroked by Hazel and Charlie is gross.
Gina: 'would you rather sleep with Jackie than Jemima?' We know Sam's answer!
Dexter sounds like he's warming up for some 'journey' talk. Check! Even Gina is jumping on the 'we're the outsiders' bandwagon. It's too knowing.
Dexter: 'seven weeks on the block is a joke.' Try changing your strategy then! It's not up to you who others put up.
LOL they're showing the noms on the screens. Hilarious! There's going to be some good fall out from this. Brilliant! If Callum still sniffs round Charlie after this it would be embarrassing. Get the message, Callum. Stay away from her. I don't think they showed Callum what Sophie said about the spray tans assault?
The reasons Hazel were nominated weren't bad at all. They were strategy votes definitely.
Gina: 'they didn't show the things I said that were nice.' That's cos there weren't any. Ha, that was really funny. Good stuff. Callum looks like he's going to EXPLODE! Bet Charlie and Hazel are pleased they didn't nom each other. Looking foward to the live feed!

Big Brother 2013: Fakes one to know one

Cucumbergate! It was bad enough on live feed and now I have to witness the highlights of it, of which there were none. Here are the facts: Charlie is a dull, repetitive drunk who provokes people and shows no remorse. Dan would have sorted that argument out and stopped it going on for hours on end. Remembering Dan: the house rock.
Dexter: 'Alpha characters are going to have to rise up through the ranks.' Shut up! You're driving me nuts.
Callum will 'stick to what he does best.' What is that, exactly? He's 'man enough' to admit cooking's not one of his strengths. How manly.
I think Gina is targeting Hazel because she knows the public don't like her and she's capitalising on it. Her calling Hazel fake is a bit rich, to be honest.
Callum to Charlie: 'what do you see when you look in the mirror?' Is it... bad highlights? If that's a 'deep chat' God help us.
Home grown cucumbers! How lovely, I certainly hope nobody gets poked in the eye with one, lol.
Charlie is being a cow not even committing to seeing Callum in the outside when she's always hanging out with him in the house. Why doesn't she just say 'I don't fancy you, but yeah we can go out for a drink as friends if you're ever in [wherever she and her bitch mother lives].' DONE! Otherwise, if you're really not interested in even being friends, stop talking to him.
Art attack. I like the red lippy and the berets. Sam drew Dexter kissing Charlie's arse. Gina drew herself as a white person. Charlie mentioned her JOURNEY. I'd like to journey my fist down her throat and shit her up. Dexter mentioned his journey, too. Is it journey tourettes today? JOURNEY! Callum has drawn a big black dick.
The twins, 'I'm not being funny...' we know you're not!
Oh, they're getting real letters from home. Remember when Dexter said he didn't want photos from home because it was a sign of weakness? I liked that Dexter. My boyfriend hates the letters from home. They make me blub because I'm a sap.
Couldn't Charlie have got a letter from a family member who wasn't mad Jackie? 'Learn from your mistakes.' Take no advice from this old bitch is my advice.
I wonder if Hazel had pertinent parts of her letter blacked out like in prison? Hers seemed very generic.
Gina's letter was nice from her mum, very personal and genuine.
Nice of Sam's parents to invite Callum over. It's more than Charlie could muster. Dexter's mum bigged up Gina! Strategy.
Hazel, don't show signs of weakness! It's against your ethos.
Gina is telling Charlie to think before she speaks. I guess Charlie is not listening. Callum: 'It's going to be good every day from now on.' If you say so. Cue cucumbers.
I thought cucumber was good for the eyes. I wish Hazel could get Charlie evicted for poking her in the eye with a cucumber. Charlie is interminable. The whole thing was a joke and not worth arguing about. Callum said, 'yeah she was aggressive, but there was no malice there.'
Charlie, I suggest you stop drinking. Hazel, milk the eye injury! Get her an eye patch.
It's not Hazel's fault that Charlie got called to the DR. Hazel AND the twins face was PRICELESS when Charlie said, 'it's like how Daley felt.' In fact, Hazel went through several faces in the LF.
Charlie proceeded to make the whole thing about how she'd been wronged for the next hour and a half; believe me, I watched it.
Charlie's defence of 'I don't think before I speak' is wearing thin, and if she can't control her mouth when she's drinking, then stop drinking.
Dexter and Sophie were both slagging her off at this point, so the fact she went to them for solace was quite funny.
Why is Charlie going 'Daley's a nice person.' She's drunk and talking shit. Callum is such a little scrotum sticking up for Charlie in this situation. He's pathetic. Also at one point Charlie said she was drunk and had drunk a bottle and a half of wine, then she backtracked and said she wasn't. Get your story straight!
I'd love to see Charlie go this week, I can't fucking stand her, and I think Hazel stayed classy during that pathetic argument. Unfortunately, the brainless masses are still intent on getting Hazel out for... what was it again? Oh yeah, her getting attacked. Good stuff.

Big Brother 2013: The independent boojudicator

Oh, Dan. What a rubbish twist, with a crap payoff, and a worse outcome. Get rid of vote to evict, please, or the celeb version is going to be a non-starter.
Oh please, no, not a Dexter and Callum episode. I can't bear it. This series is tanking badly. It's sad, because it has been brilliant.
Ha, Dan dreamt he got evicted. He's even cracking cases in the land of nod.
I'm starting to like Hazel more and more and it's not just because she's an underdog. Everyone just keeps saying she's being evicted and she doesn't bat an eyelid. She IS titanium.
I can't even bear to look at the twins anymore, and knowing they outlasted Dan is quite soul-destroying, actually. It's funny that they're on a task about boos because they're obsessed with them.
Ugh, Sam, please don't go back to the stiffy talk, it makes me feel ill.
What bright spark thought of this task? Words that sound like other words. Spare me. Must be those posh little twits off BOTS.
Callum's leg is going like the CLAPPERS at the mere mention of Dexter's name. I heard Dexter ask Callum to live with him on the LF. Can't see that happening somehow.
Tanning task. They're obsessed with tanning in that place. Brown E's? Is that one that's been up your bum? Sam: 'Have you got a boner?' Ugh.
Interesting that they cut the bit they showed on BOTS of Callum and Sam trying to cuddle/ spread fake tan on the two outside people. Sexual assault, etc. Yawn. I do think Sam is capable of crossing that line, he just hasn't really been given the opportunity to hang himself.
Lettuce from home, har de har. What's Charlie crying about, she only saw her mum a week ago. Grow up, oxygen thief.
Did Callum really just say 'it smells so nice' about some brownies that don't exist?! That would make me VERY nervous about his possible gameplan/ trusting him. I thought he was 4realz! That was either worrying (ie. he's kidding himself) or he's really a fake. A big one.
Are those lettuces REALLY from home? If not, I'm calling trading standards. At least Sam is laughing. Dan is stabbing the fixtures and fittings.
The twins: 'who knows what they're going to throw at us tonight?' Rocks, I hope.
I don't want to watch this eviction again. It all left a bad taste in my mouth; 'get Hazel out', Sam not even understanding what was going on, Jack and Joe getting cheered, and of course, the result.
Sam looked so serious when he realised he was up. Callum is right to be mad about this twist; it does stink.
Charlie: 'There was a lot of boos tonight.' And didn't we bloody hear about it later!
Ha, they're chanting 'get Callum out' and 'get Sam out'. Harsh.
Funny that Marcus called Dan 'Daniel' over the loudspeaker. And so Dan skipped away. Aw.
Hazel: 'That was supposed to be me.' Oh, it should have been me. Everybody knows. Everybody says so. Hazel, if it was your time to go, you would have gone. Don't beat yourself us about this, cos this definitely isn't your fault. Much like that other thing. It's annoying that the other housemates are kind of blaming her for it. Like she's just acceptable to be in that position now.
I agree with Gina, this is the only eviction I'm unhappy about, too. WHY is everyone saying it was Hazel's time to go? Who decided?! It's pissing me off.
I think Hazel will really miss Dan. It's not like Charlie is a real friend to her. I love the fact she won't even cry and finds tears embarrassing. She's a tough cookie! I wish I was like that, strong and emotionless, it would make life a lot easier. I thought Hazel would walk, but now I don't think she will, she's too tough. She won't let that house break her. I admire her, actually.
I like Gina and Sam's relationship, they are such an odd couple. I think she really cares for him.
To clarify about boogate, which was on the LF, Callum said Sam got no boos and Charlie said he got 30% boos. Watching that back, I don't think Sam got boos, it was a hangover from Dan's boos. I'll be the independent boojudicator. There was an hour long conversation last night about the percentage of boos to cheers ratio for each housemate, which I can't believe even partly made it to the main show as it was so TEDIOUS. I want to find out what an average day for Gina is. I want to know more about sugarbabies. I want to hear about Sam's life (fat chance). Can you name one fact about Sophie? Instead, all I hear is about 'the public', the auditions, how they felt when they walked in, what people are saying about them, Emma Willis and their imaginary future careers. It's AWFUL. I wish they'd ban them from talking about the game full stop, as it's not even a game of strategy. Who ARE these people? Callum and Charlie can talk for an hour, and I still have no clue. Either they're as shallow as an egg cup, or they're just not letting us find out. So either way, fuck off. At least Dan would talk about life and show some humanity. Gina shows humanity when she chats with Sam. The twins don't talk about ANYTHING except public perception of them. They even mentioned a career in the 'entertainment industry' last night. You can't even fucking entertain us when you're given your own platform for seven weeks! GOOD LUCK! This is not what Craig 'plotting a very devioush plan' and Nasty Nick fell on their swords for.
Funny that Gina and Hazel both care about Dan but hate each other. Gina, Hazel wasn't up. It wasn't a choice between Hazel and Dan.
I didn't like it when Dexter said 'Dan took one for the team'.
I can't believe there's only a year between Hazel and Gina and Sam. It's crazy.
Dexter on Callum's cooking: 'Good attempt'! What a prick. I wouldn't 'attempt' to cook for that little shit again. I'd serve it to him in his lap.
Don't Sophie and Sam feel bad about Dan going? I'd feel mortified if I were them. Oh, Sophie did say she felt like it was her fault.
Callum: 'the love of Sam's life is me.' What IS he on about? I actually think he's cracking up. He's not quite right, you know. Must be those delicious brownies going to his head!
Callum, leave Hazel alone. 'I'd love a catch up with you.' You're not at work, Callum! Oh, Callum, just stop talking. I really hope he watches this show back and wonders, 'who the fuck am I?'
Hazel just said the same thing, he doesn't know who he is. He DOES try to hard, way too hard.
Dexter, Callum is NOT aggressive. He's weird, but not aggressive. And why are you inviting an 'aggressive' man to live with you? Dexter could push Callum over the edge, and is probably trying to. I'm glad Gina stuck up for him.
Oh God, did Dexter really just say 'opinions are like arseholes, we've all got one.' Twat. Dexter's really getting on my nerves at the moment. Gina has come on leaps and bounds from him and is leaving him for dust as far as winning's concerned.
Callum needs to relax and not let Dexter get to him. Take the glove of negativity and go get some help. Because Dexter WILL beat you. Because he's a fucker. So the best thing to do is ignore him. I think Callum might end up laying him out. Which TO BE FAIR, I'm only being honest and taking everything on board, would be GRRRRRRREAT TV.

Big Brother 2013: Destination Letsby Avenue

Hiya! I'm round my BFF's house (I have friends! I know, well one) and we're voting to evict SOPHIE! We just voted at the same time to evict her. That's what friends are for. Synchronised evicting. Friends is having to not even ask who you're evicting.
Here's some comments from my friend: 'Charlie is insipid.' 'Callum is the shittest martyr ever.' Ha, then Dan said it, too! Weird. It's true, though, Callum IS like that.
Callum and Sam are having some 'lad chat.' Stand back ladies, banter ahead.
Callum is talking to himself: 'Charlie could have the whole world in her hands.'
Why are the twins on a task again!? Is this the bit we're meant to find 'hilarious'? Twin: 'this is a bit unfunny now.' You aint kidding. I asked my friend for a comment on the twins. She gave a five second sigh and then said: 'Dickheads.'
Emma is talking to the friends and family! Boooooo off off off etc.
We just had a brief interlude to look after a baby, but don't hold that against us. Babies need more attention than Big Brother. That's why I'M never having one.
Callum: 'I feel like I'm the third wheel.' More like the seventh. Charlie: 'Accept yourself.' For Heaven's sake.
Jack in a bikini. No.
Charlie in the Gina outfit. Callum's doing crab eyes. Cheesy! That was funny, mummy.
Charlie to Hazel: 'I genuinely believe you'll be a role model to a lot of girls.' My friend: 'Hazel had a good bullshit detector.' That must be why she doesn't like Callum.
Dexter can appreciate a good looking bloke. Ryan Gosling, for example. Callum's got 'straight friends, gay friends, bi friends.' Any black friends?!
Stop saying you hope Hazel goes, Dan. It's not helping matters.
Oh Callum, leave Charlie alone.
Get Hazel out! Booooooo! Oh, behave. Oh no, the twins are getting cheers.
Twist reveal: Dan, 'I knew it, I knew it.' HA. Sam doesn't even look like he knows what's going on, bless him. He can't hear! That's so unfair. Can't someone give him subtitles? They all seem quite reasonable about it, really. It was hardly the bombshell we'd hoped for and not worth losing Dan over
They didn't do the save halfway through like they normally do! That might have helped.
OH NO, it was Dan! Boooooooo. DISAPPOINTING. Not very surprising, though. Dan was always going to go against those two. I spent four quid on this bullshit! I HATE YOU, UK. YOU SUCK. 
Sophie and Sam will feel guilty because they picked him. I wanted Dan to come third. Sexyback? More like Cry Me a River. My friend says, 'He looks so pissed off. You can see it in every movement.'
I'm glad Emma sympathised with him. Ha, Dan is pissy.
Detective Dan: you'll be remembered and that's all that matters. No one will remember Charlie in three years time.
I just asked my friend for a comment on Dan going and she said: 'It's a shame.' It's lucky I'm writing this blog and not her. Her boyfriend just came in and I asked how he felt about Dan being evicted and he said 'that's a shame.' I said, 'She just said that.' and he said 'OK, a mild tragedy.'  
At least they weren't shouting OFF OFF OFF at Dan. He seemed to get a good reception.
Dan's best bits: 'You said your daughter died when she didn't die.'
It's CRIMINAL that the twins, Callum and Charlie outlasted Dan. I hope you're pleased with yourselves! Sorry this blog was brief, it's hard not to look like a twat blogging round someone's house. Podcast on Sunday as my boy is on shifts again! Night night x