Rant: Daily Mail Gay Adoption Row

I've been trying to find the appropriate links for this story, but christ, the Daily Mail's website is virtually impossible to navigate. God knows how old people cope. How about a 'find related stories' option? Today's version was written by Jonathan Brocklebank- need I say more?
But this first article is the one that is the most gobsmackingly offensive.
The basic background is this; two children of a heroin addicted mother are to be adopted by a gay couple as social services have deemed the grandparents too old/ill to look after them. We don't know much more, Littlejohn claims this is because 'it’s been kept secret to protect the identities of the social workers involved and conceal the extent of their wickedness.' Er, no dipshit, it's to protect innocent children! Who knows what the background is? Maybe the heroin addicted mother is staying with the grand-parents? If the children have been taken into care it's obviously a serious reason. We hear enough about social workers NOT taking children into care, now they are criticised FOR taking them into care. Which way do you want it? Also, the grandparents parenting skills might need to be examined, right? I don't want to cast aspersions, but as that's exactly what they are doing, I think I will.
The crux of this story is pure, blatant homophobia. Check this out from the first article:
'Peter Kearney said: 'This is a devastating decision which will have a serious impact on the welfare of the children involved.
'There is an overwhelming body of evidence showing that same-sex relationships are inherently unstable and reduce the life expectancy of those involved.
'With this in mind, the social work department has deliberately ignored evidence which undermines their decision and opted for politically correct posturing rather than providing stability and protection.
'It is impossible to see how this decision is in the best interests of the children.'
Read that again. 'There is an overwhelming body of evidence showing same sex relationships are inherently unstable and reduce the life expectancy of those involved'!!! That is quite an audacious statement, no? WHERE is the evidence for that?!?!! I'd like to see it. Oh, but I can't because it's offensive BULLSHIT. Presuming a percentage of gay couples HAVE to adopt as they cannot have children biologically (although there are obvious other routes) it seems to me they must go through more stringent check to ENSURE they are suitable parents (just as straight couples do to adopt).
'The grandfather in this case says: ‘The mother is the cornerstone of any family and the most important person for a young child.’ The whole 'kids need mothers' outcry seems more than a little ironic; after all, they HAD one, didn't they, and she fell short! In fact, if I'm as reactionary and dumbass as the Mail, I'd think this story tells us if anything that mothers aren't fit to raise their own children.
This whole children need a mother figure and a father figure crap is just nonsensical to a vast number of people bought up by a loving single mother, or warring parents. It's just NOT TRUE. Sure in an ideal world, their mum could look after them. But she can't. The rest is just homophobia.
To read Littlejohn defending a heroin addict is just hilarious considering his usual stance on things. But hey, even junkies are preferable to sodomites, RIGHT?
And how about this thinly-veiled threat; 'As for anonymity, does anyone really think that two gay men, living together in an Edinburgh suburb, who suddenly start playing Happy Families with a five-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl, are going to go unnoticed?' In other words, lets hire an angry mob. Does he not understand the anonymity was for the children's sake? Do the grandparents not even understand that?
And for an extra bit of poison, see that horse-faced cunt Platell's musings on it.
I feel sorry for the couple involved who can't speak out and defend themselves, as they are basically written off as not fit to be parents on the basis of who they fell in love with. They obviously want to be parents and it must be just awful to have your relationship described as unequal to straight people's, when there are a zillion straight couples out there with godawful realtionships, making all sorts of horrific parenting choices. Because that's the part the Mail writers don't get: all people are different. You can lump them together and quote imaginary statistics, but it doesn't make you right. Every relationship has it's own dynamics, and that couple have a right to adopt, just like lesbians, infertile women, or anybody else. It's not their fault the social workers said no to the grandparents. And it's not their fault the mother couldn't cope. And it's not their fault their suitability as parents is being questioned due to their sexuality. It's just wrong and unjust, and an insult to all gay people, and all sane people, just because the Daily Mail are bigotted fuckwits.
I hope those men bring those children up to be much-loved, open-minded, happy little people. Because after all this, they deserve it.

Jamie Saves Our Bacon

The annoyingly-titled Jamie Saves Our Bacon sees everyone's least favourite chef telling us what's what in pigland. Tonight's show began with Jamie telling us we were going to have a cracking show; surely he means crackling? Enjoy that crap attempt at making you laugh, because it's the only one you're going to get.
I was there at Wembley Arena when Morrissey said 'there are three things wrong with modern England; one, Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Oliver.' as a reaction to JOL slaughtering a lamb on TV. Personally, I just hate Jamie Oliver because he's a lisping twat. And the prospect of piggies in an abbotoir doesn't sound cracking to me. It sounds horrific. I also heard on the grapevine (I couldn't bear to watch the You Tube clip) about Jamie gassing a bunch of chicks 'to a show the harsh reality'. Which is a bit like me saying, 'this is the sad reality of Ian Huntley' and slaughtering two kids in the bathtub to demonstrate.
Has Jamie got a mullet now? I digress.
Oh God. I knew this programme would be hard to watch. I feel genuinely guilty about eating pork anyway, whether it's totally humane or not, but the EU pigs basically in crates was absolutely fucking disgusting. It made me sick to my stomach.
The 'Pig Brother' thing of putting people in the same kind of cages the pigs would be in was a bit crass, but I guess it proved the point.
I had to fast forward the killing. Yeah I am burying my head in the sand. I am a coward. It was kind of weird the way they shoehorned some cooking in there, that felt a bit peculiar.
I didn't really like the format of this show, I found it a bit annoying the way Jamie lorded it round in front of everyone. It didn't inspire like Hugh's show did, even though pigs are a lot more loveable than chickens.
So is Jamie an enemy or a friend of animal rights? I'll leave that up to you. But cruelty to pigs? Not pukka.
But god, I love sausages. And I'm sorry.

Panorama vs Chickens, Hugh and Tesco Too

I watched Panorama tonight and it was quite short but very good. Frank Skinner investigated bad language and people causing offence on TV. It was quite Brooker-esque. Frank Skinner should be on TV more, and Al Murray much less.
I'm generally of the opinion, if you don't like something, turn over. I want to complain to Offcom about people complaining to Offcom. How do we do that?!
Frank went on to interview Roy Chubby Brown. Isn't Roy Chubby Brown committing a hate crime by spouting his bigotted crap? I remember vividly being much younger and people in my house watching his show and feeling utterly disgusted by it. He should be extinct now, by rights, the venues that put on his show should be ashamed.
Then you have the other end of the scale, where it's obvious someone has a good heart, and part of the hatred is just envy. The amount of people who probably watched Jonathan Ross the other night just so they could mither about it is actually tragic. Get a life, dude. Weigh up the 'BBC snubs Gaza appeal' story with 'JRo makes fun of old granny', and two and two will not make four. The vast majority of written media is pathetic and I look forward to the collapse of it in future. Thank god for the internet and independent thought. (Oh, except if you want to give me a job, obviously) Definitely worth a look on the I Player anyway if you missed it.
After that I watched Chickens, Hugh and Tesco Too (awful title). As do-gooding chefs go, Hugh is definitely on the more bearable end of the scale. Chicken is probably my favourite food, and one of the only healthy things I eat. I am a meat eater, but I do care about animal welfare, unlike a lot of people, who sadly, do not give a shit.
Kudos to Waitrose and M&S for banning battery chickens. But then there's the argument people who shop in Lidl and Morrissons (ie. me) can't afford to pay six or seven pounds for a chicken. However, this show was more about a compromise, which I think was very useful, and pretty clever. Free range does have a image of Waitrose snobbery about it, and is out of reach for a lot of ordinary people. This gave a third option.
It was interesting seeing inside the barn and what the 'standard chicken' meant; i.e. wall to wall birds who can't move, are grown intensively, and looking extremely bedragged and half-dead. Compared to the 'freedom food' birds; still indoors but running around and flapping their wings with a lot more square inches, more light and more things to do (we're not talking the Playstation here, but it's more of a life- until neck-snappy time, obviously). Seeing it illustrated like this definitely gives you more choice as a consumer. The difference is striking. The chicken in the 'freedom food' range costs £1 more. For just a pound, I really CAN afford it, and I will. The guilt is just too much otherwise. Oh my god, chicks are the cutest things on earth! The guilt, the guilt. Morrissey hates me.
So where do Tescos come into it? Er, they don't give a shit and they just care about the cash, obviously. They say the standard chickens are protected by certain rights, have room to move and 'company'; they have company alright, like I have company on the tube at Kings Cross at 5.30 in the evening. I love a sweaty man with BO feeling my arse, it's such great company!
Tescos rather rudely ignored Hugh's request for an interview, so he became a shareholder, gathered 100 others, and tabled a resolution to force Tesco to, well, let's not beat around the bush, stop LYING.
The Tescos spokescunt said that 80% of people can't afford to pay an extra pound a week for a chicken. That's BULLSHIT! If you can afford to buy a lottery ticket, or a packet of fucking fags, you CAN afford it. I just bought a laptop today and as a result I have about £100 to last me the next four weeks. That's less than the dole. And I'm STILL going to pay the extra quid when I get a chicken tomorrow, just so I can sleep at night.
I do think the labelling on chicken is confusing and I'm no idiot. It's pretty obvious it's meant to be that way. The spokescunt brought new meaning to the word 'insufferable' and is a liar saying that the labelling is clear; it's NOT! Then she says, 'look at the website', oh yeah I'll just google the fucking Tesco website whilst I'm pushing my trolley round. Just stop lying to us, you smug cow. She made me so fucking angry, I don't know how Hugh didn't snap HER neck just for the hell of it.
Hugh pointed out the standard chicken has a picture of a farmer outdoors on it and she smugly said 'but the chicken is not outdoors.' It's OBVIOUS what the implication is! It is disgusting that nowhere on that chicken it says 'reared indoors'. It's a BATTERY HEN! And then when he put that to her, that they were being ambiguous, she said 'we don't need to patronise our customers like that.' You're patronising them by drawing a little tree on the label and pretending it's all cosy-wosy in chicken-land, darling (oh, god, I'm getting all sexist now and everything, see what you've driven me to?) You're patronising ME right now, with your self-satisfied demeanor, you fucking lying, whitewashing robo-bitch. How STUPID do they think we are?! It's not patronising to know the source of your ingredients. It should be the LAW.
As if that wasn't nasty enough, Tesco pulled a further fast one out of the bag by charging Hugh £86,000 for stamps to send his proposals out to the other shareholders. What a low move, especially as we all know what their profit margin is like. I hate the way they try and bully people like that. They must REALLY like hurting animals. I don't think that sort of stuff endears them to their customers; and I know this because I AM one. But I'm quite happy to go elsewhere if they really want, there's a supermarket on every corner in London. We do have choice here. There is something about the morality of this issue which is very affecting.
Oh my God, and after Hugh raised all that cash, the Tesco arseholes said Hugh now needed to get 75% of the vote of the shareholders as it was a 'special resolution'. For God's sake. They make Mr Burns look like Mother Teresa.
It was actually really sad when he failed in his attempt. 10% backed him and 9% abstained which was still positive apparently. But it was like trying to fight the sea; they are all in it together, the heartless bigwig scum.
In conclusion, I think Hugh is a really decent man, and I was really moved by his campaign and this show. I think too often these celebrity chefs walk a fine line between patronising and educating the public and Hugh is thankfully on the right side of it. On our side.
And I think Tescos should go fuck themselves.

Orange unsigned act final

I'm writing this on my iphone as the generosity of laptop lending on the part of my boyfriend extended to the celeb big brother final and no more. So forgive me for any brevity and schoolgirl errors. Oh and don't EVER buy anything from PC World. But you knew that anyway.
So here we are, and i have this niggling feeling tommy aint gonna win. He just seems like he couldn't win a popular vote. But we'll see.
Alex James mentioning cheese! Check.
The first scarlet harlots song sounded like a right fucking din! Lauren does come off a but stiff on this show, doesn't she? Shame cos I love her on the radio and the culture show.
Mcfly (sorry, I mean Hip Parade) did their usual shouty schtick. Zzzz if they win.
Today they'd covered up tommy's spots which made him look weird and a bit prosthetic. Embrace your flaws! Has he got mascara on?
OMG they MURDERED that Scarlot Harlots song in the studio. They sucked the life right out of it. It sounded like their batteries had run out.
Hip Parade did their second impression of the day; this time The Subways, another faux-rock band that felches off a genuine scene. The judges are showing their age bigging up such radio friendly nonsense.
I was a bit nervous they were going to put a childrens choir or something on tommy's song. But they didn't, so yay.
Amanda ghost said tommy should make his songs easier to understand. How much easier could it be? Perhaps he should rename it 'Gis a call-LOL!' for the really braindead. Honestly, where would Morrissey be if he'd decided to patronise his audience like that? 'Meat is Murder but chicken nuggets taste ace, m8!'
Talking of which, Lily Allens lyrics are deplorable.
Wowee Tommy won! I'm really pleased. Was it down to the foundation? No It's all down to me, obviously!
Phone blogging: I'm just so painfully committed to the sound of my own bullshit.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The Final: Return to Svender

I've been waiting to use that title for weeks, and now it makes no fucking sense! Thanks Ulrika. Thanks a lot.
I have to admit I started running out of steam with BB from about Wednesday. Watching people who don't want to be somewhere is depressing. It's like being at work again.
The final dinner felt a bit empty; Terry calling Ulrika stuck up, Ben being conceited, Verne moaning about women, Coolio and Terry scratching each other's backs.
So the Ben-doll was first out. Who voted for Ulrika over Ben? Ben is dull as fuck but at least he's blandly pretty. Maybe Ulrika got the women's vote?
NOW LISTEN. OK Davina. I'm listening, but nothing of interest is being said. Ben's interview was notable only for him staring misty-eyed at himself during his best bits.
VERNE in 4th?!! WTF! That was a genuine shocker. Davina did some GOOD patronising. Verne did NOT deserve to be 4th! Beaten by Ulrika, who did nothing but grumble the entire time. Verne shoulda been second, cuz. Denied!
I'd not seen Verne grin before; he looked very happy in the limelight. I liked him appreciating the crowd! Verne was pretty cool. His best bits were definitely top quality.
SO LISTEN! ARGHHHH.
Shocked Coolio was third too. How did Ulrika beat HIM? Were the public taking revenge for the anti-Brit chat? I have to say I'm not that upset that the 'bitches/hos' contigent got the elbow, but Coolio was good value. He put his heart and soul into it.
Terry! Terry! Terry!
Interesting that adversaries Terry and Ulrika were left. Best of British? She's Swedish, you munt!
Coolio was OK in his interview, I liked his sun and moon crap and he looked quite snazzy. There seemed to be a fair bit of booing.
And so. Ulrika-ka-ka won. Er... HOW? I think they got the results mangled up in the wash. RECOUNT!
Terry was charming and cute. He put in the time and amused, entertained and educated every night whilst Ulrika snoozed. I liked the fact he didn't apologise for calling the voters thick. I want to be his friend! Davina, 'There was one small error that could have cost you the whole thing.' Yeah, Ulrika winning, even though barely anyone likes her!
Ulrika must have come out of that house thinking we'd finally taken her into our hearts. Actually, most people were just genuinely baffled. I supported Ulrika from Day 1, and I always liked her on Shooting Stars, but I was disappointed with her in the house. She was depressing. If anything she avoided getting involved and that should not have been rewarded.
Davina is right; Ulrika was unwilling. WHY did she win? Nobody knows! Her eyeliner was good, but her dreary harping about her kids and husband was just snoozies. AND she was high-handed. Was it a feminist backlash? It can't be! I'm a feminist, but even I have my limits.
Weirdness. I've never seen such an odd result. What does it mean for the future of BB? Will Terry get a TV show? What will Ulrika do next?
I think my boyfriend summed it up with 'those fireworks are misplaced'.
I don't know, but I'm going to blog about some more high-brow shit in future. Things are changing around here!

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: They Make 'em Tough in Compton

They FINALLY chat about Jacko! La Toya gave Tommy SUCH a look when he mentioned Neverland. Coolio: 'He had a giraffe, cuz.' Heh.
Man-child Terry Christian did some armpit licking! I know some people who quite enjoy that sort of thing. So that's two things that are thick and salty so far.
I liked Coolio in his swimming cossy. He was in a serious sulk. Verne's task was pretty crap. He's only got tiny lungs so it seemed a bit cruel. I didn't get why they were laughing so much. I like it when Coolio is all protective over Verne.
Ben seemed like he quite enjoyed that granny-snog!
I liked Ulrika's joy at Tommy's suffering. 'He's in so much pain, hahaha!'
Verne looked like he was sitting on a throne as L&T were evicted. I thought Ulrika looked pretty tonight. Yes, she WAS happy when La Toya was evicted. Dur!
I liked Verne menacing Ben on his scooter. Verne plus scooter plus booze equals fun for all the family.
This time tomorrow, it's done.
Vote TC.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: A Distant History

I was glad they got to watch the Obama-rama. They showed it at my work and I chipped off home and everyone looked at me like I was Satan. I saw in the laundrette after though, which was much more fitting. I liked it when he fucked up the speech a bit. It was cute.
The American task, however, was boring as shit. It was such dross. Tommy is the worst Big Brother contestant of all time, like someone you don't like from work being in the house. He has no entertainment value whatsoever. I liked Ulrika getting snappy with him. He's a DICK!
Rodeo: don't land on your nose, La Toya! I'd rather have seen Verne in it.
It was moving watching them watching the inaugauration speech. I'm glad Obama said that about non-believers, what a step forward. Terry seemed less impressed with history than usual! Did Coolio turn on the tears for the camera? Maybe he did and maybe he didn't, but I don't mind either way.
What was up La Toya's arse? She can see the TV can't she? Zenophobe! Verne: 'if it wasn't for us, other countries wouldn't exist.' Eh? God Save the Queen dude, we invented you! Who was he moaning about, Terry? As usual, the important stuff gets edited out.
It was interesting to hear about the American national pride; one of my most dearly-loved friends is American and I remember being gobsmacked by her national pride and love for her country. I know it's beaten into them, but it's something we can never really know.
I wasn't surprised La Toya was evicted, you know. I mean, who would pick up a phone and vote for her? But even so, more people voted for TOMMY that her? Hells bells. She does have a damn good body for an old dear, I'll give her that. Shame she looks like Jacko in a (different) fright wig. Ooh, she got a big cheer.
La Toya was very considered in her interview, and gave nothing away, surprise, surprise. She's a funny thing (obviously), a strange coquettish thing. But she must like the attention a bit? Davina licked her arse good!
Tommy: 'thank fuck for that'. Yeah, right, BROTHER. Boooooooooooooooo. I can't believe Davina still says that 'it's all panto' schtick. No it's not, we hate you!
There's nothing to say about his interview because he's nobody's nothing. Back to obscurity for you, dullard. PS. Davina should have asked him about that stupid thing he said to Michelle about them dancing together. But then Davina should ask a lot of things she doesn't.
NB. I liked Coolio's live feed speech last night in which he ranted incomprehensibly about how a little kid from India or a little Buddhist girl could grow up to be prime minister of England one day. Hehe.
PS: I have not seen ONE PERSON in the specially built jail in BB yet. Really, what is the fucking point? Endemol: fail.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Verne Baby Verne

Poor Verne! How embarrassing being harangued to get off the toilet when you have chilli-bum! It's moments like that you really need to be on your own.
Michelle was astute predicting the nature of her demise. Ben- THREE SCUNT ACTION. Not needed!
Coolio's acting was super-camp. Verne looked good with the video camera. You can tell that 'ego' comment really got to Ulrika, didn't it, she's only mentioned it in EVERY SINGLE TASK SINCE. Get over it!
Terry's take off of Tina was spot-on. I have a funny feeling he didn't like her quite as much as he seemed to! No one could even be fucked to imitate Mutya! Ha.
Who PUT Verne in that highchair? It seems somewhat exploitative? I think he rather enjoyed beating up Coolio and La Toya.
I loved them all snoozing at Terry's history schtick. Very cute. I enjoyed this task a lot.
Verne snogging and stroking that baby and calling it Mutya will be giving Mutya nightmares for years to come, I'm sure. The word creepy is insufficient. Verne is a misogynistic, nasty little drunk but he gets away with murder. I can't think why (ahem). If he was average sized, I think he'd be a disliked housemate, as he's generally quite introverted. I do like Verne, though, despite his flaws, and not because he's 'cute' (although he can be). He's got an interesting story, and I like his anti-socialness. But he's still not as good a winner as Terry.
I liked Big Brother playing mind games with them all. Loved Terry and Coolio cuddling. Terry was loving it! He even started smoking his fag in a camp manner. Coolio's blatant homophobia was tragic. And Ulrika's Swedish dissing of them all was great. Big Brother should do that sort of crap constantly.
I like it when very shallow people declare some dumb comment to be 'deep'. Deep normally means using words of more than one syllable. Coolio did have a point; why WAS Ben letting Michelle cut his hair?!
Did you clock how when Davina came on the screen, Ulrika immediately uncovered her shoulders? What was that all about? She didn't look very upset this time around either; something tells me she wants to make it to Friday now. There's something steely in her that upsets people, but it's how she's got where she is now.
That was weird when Michelle left they played crowd noise; normally they let the housemates listen for the boos. Verne looked a bit sad after.
Coolio, the word is 'proud', not 'prideful.' Don't make me come in there.
Interesting Terry did his real nominations when they were doing the fake nominations. I think he likes to be very upfront; so upfront he bugs people, but at least he's at peace with himself.
Verne was actually right when he said in the greater scheme of things history means nothing. One meteor could put pay to all the art and science on the planet. But at the same time; to look at life like that is kind of depressing. It's nice to feel like you have a place in space and time. For example, today America inaugurated the first black president, not that you'd know it from my blog.
I liked the low-level tension when Verne was dissing Coolio. Coolio gives him a lot of leeway, which I like to watch.I liked the bit at the end when Verne said he was starstruck by Coolio, it was very honest and Coolio was almost gracious about it. They have an interesting and very real dynamic to their relationship. You got the feeling Ben wasn't really feeling it. But then robots can't cry, can they? And he sure aint no international superstar.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: It doesn't hurt

Secret eviction! Clashing with Eastenders! Boo.
'Ben, this is Big Brother. Please remove your knitwear. You look stupid.' So Ben nominated Ulrika because HE leaves the toilet seat up! Peculiar. And Coolio for being sexist. Yes, Coolio is sexist. As is Verne. It gets cut out of the highlights mostly. But isn't Ben's reason for nominating Ulrika sexism (or inverse sexism anyway?)
Coolio gave the same reason as Ben. Conspiracy? No, I think Ulrika just rubs folk up the wrong way. He nominated Michelle for 'de-glossing his shine.' Cute.
Latoya nominated Ulrika. I don't think Ulrika stares maliciously. She just has one of those faces that looks mardy, I think. Michelle also has 'the eye'. Oh, well, it's better than 'the nose.'
Michelle thinks Coolio is avoiding nomination 'by making the lads in his gang'; that's just being friends with people, isn't it? The women have really come out worse off in this series. They come off boring and bitter. It's a shame, because most women aren't so. Haha, Michelle nommed Tommy for using the word 'homie'. Quite right.
Advert rage! MUMS GO TO ICELAND... ARGH. Sexist wankers. The unemployed go to Iceland, more like. Followed by an advert warning about heart disease. How A-P-T.
Terry went against the boyos and voted for Ben in case he reunites A4! Haha. Funny. OMG he nommed Verne! I LOVED the reason why. Verne dissed history, Terry's bambino! Defender of the kings and queens gone past! Terry to win!
Tommy, you thicko, Ulrika's name is Ulrika, not EUREKA. I've told you this before, you bellowing gorilla of a man. He also nominated Michelle for being immature. Truth.
Ulrika said rather royally; 'if one answers a question'. Haha. And she nominated Terry for being a know-it-all and a chauvinist. He's not a chauvanist because he doesn't like you, Ulrika, that sort of cobblers gives feminism a bad name.
Verne nominated Ulrika for, guess what, being controlling. If I was her and came out and saw four or five people had said this about me, I'd take a little look at myself.
Verne nominated Terry! Shocker. Are they fighting for Coolio's affections?! I reckon they just think the other might win, y'know. The good old tactical vote.
I loved Terry telling Coolio you get a caravan for winning! Class.
So, Michelle and Ulrika were up for the hoofage. Glad it wasn't Coolio, love him or loathe him, he's made this year's show. He's funny, offensive, annoying, argumentative, opinionated, intelligent (at times), caring (at times) and very honest. Personally that combination works for me, I'd rather go on a night out with him and his tall tales than Ben and his scunt and silly little hat and his piss-covered toilet seat.
Recycled tasks! Chillis. Oh dear. I wish they'd think of something new. Ben didn't even eat it an amusing manner. Coolio just ate his like an apple! Chillio! And they got KFC for their troubles. Sweet. Better to go first on that task, I think. The anticipation looked painful.
I thought La Toya only eats salmon! Nice coughing ploy to get out of it. I enjoyed seeing her suffer, for no particular reason other than she's a bit spoilt! That's probably the worst thing she's ever had to do in her life. Although when she was repeating 'it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt' I had scary visions of the kiddies cowering round at Wacko's house.
I thought they were all quite brave in the chilli task actually. I certainly wouldn't have done it! Verne was effortless! Big brother so made up what they would or wouldn't do as the task went on.
Interesting when Coolio asked Ulrika if she'd been with a black man. I couldn't help thinking Terry had been in his ear about Stan Collymore! I wouldn't be surprised.
Tommy is right to criticise Michelle for not knowing what integrity means. It's unforgivable. I watched her and Ben talking on the live feed and it was the most pointless dross I'd ever heard. They are worse than lobotomised. Terry perhaps lost a few votes with the comment; 'all the thick types who vote on shows like this'. What about the thick types who GO in it?! It's a bit gross to see three grown men bitching so much though, bit sad, really. That's what's good about this BB in way though; even the likeable characters are seriously flawed. I like that, personally.
They all looked rather dapper at the eviction didn't they? Michelle looked really good actually; at least she wasn't dumped out looking ropey. She didn't take her wolfy with her though! Aaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh! Poor little wolfy. Maybe Ben will cuddle it later (or rub himself against it if he's feeling adventurous). I actually wish Ulrika had gone.
Ooh Michelle got serious booage. I must remind myself to pose for pictures in a coquettish, neck-broken manner.
The interview; Davina coos over Coolio and tells Michelle she should have 'laughed off' getting constantly wound up and insulted and sexually harrassed. Sigh! Do they have the same agent?
The Ben thing was just tedious, really. I thought it was very honest of Michelle to say that about her ex-husband and Davina reacted to it very childishly and idiotically, actually. At least she corrected the Eureka nonsense, though.
Davina: 'That's where Coolio's from and that's how everyone talks about people.' So presuming Coolio's mum is from the same area as Coolio (right?) she calls women bitches and hos too, yeah? Nice use of the non-discriminatory 'people' too. You can't be racist or homophobic on Big Brother these days, but women are STILL regularly insulted and the person doing the insulting defended. You and me, equality... if only.
That's mad that Michelle saw that clip of Verne on The Surreal Life! I hadn't seen it and I consider myself fairly on top of popular culture what with me old blog and that.
I thought Michelle came across OK in her interview. I used to hate the Heaton; and now I'm back to feeling indifferent to her. Hurrah!

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The Game is Afoot

A word on yesterday's show. It felt like one of those where they chopped out more than they kept in, this the highlights seemed jumbled. Sounds like there was a lot more of Verne's rampage we missed; shame.
Mutya leaving was a bit of a downer; can't say I blame her, though. The man/woman divide has been depressing to watch. At least she had the balls to go rather than harping on about it and not following through.
La Toya's innocent mask is starting to slip a little; some of the things she says I agree with, but was she trying to set Coolio against Terry?! Not cool!
Coolio's 'she's one of them girls who forgets her boyfriend when she gets drunk' about Michelle was true; but Ben should have defended her. Coolio lying on the floor with his legs open was just crass. I don't think homphobia or racism would be treated so casually as their constant sexism (and I include Verne in this too).
On the live feed on Saturday night Ben also said he'd 'do a gig for the BNP.' Lush! Terry was right about the integrity thing, after all.
Tonight's offerings; I don't know if I believe La Toya's conspiracy against Michelle; because the public DON'T vote for cry-babies.
Michelle: 'what does pensive mean?' How do people get to be so thick? I really don't get it. I went to a crappy school, in a crappy town, but I read a sodding book every now and again. I genuinely don't know any thick people. I just wouldn't allow it.
HA! Ulrika asking Ben out to WRITE songs! *snort*
Tommy! Pish off. Why was he being such a dickwad? Oh and shave your back, it's disgusting. And he started on Ulrika for nothing. Is he on the blob or what?
Ben's song was a bit naughty, saying Michelle was wet for him! Was there a glimmer of personality there behind his dead, pretty eyes?
The song they did was alright; Verne's mullet was good. 'I hate this song/ I hate this task/ vote for me or I'll kick your arse.' was a touch of genius. I liked La Toya's afro as well.
Why does everyone hate Ulrika? She is a little officious but she's not THAT bad. Tommy, on the other hand, is a complete and utter cock-rash.
Terry's Ulrika-grudge is a little wearing, too. Get over it, dude.
PS: Coolio's statements always make the best blog titles.

Orange Unsigned Act: Semi Final

Today I got up at the un-godly hour of 8am to go to the semi-final of the Orange Unsigned Act show. Even arriving then though, we missed Alex Zane mentioning Alex James love of cheese and Bo Bruce's song (pretty annoying as she's my second fave). Also, why did Alex James say at the start he wanted to hear something 'new' when they were playing their best songs? Wake up, grandad.
Oh, I take that back as Bo DID play something new. Pretty brave! I liked that song, I wish I'd been there to hear it! She looked good on TV and we saw her wandering round at the Riverside studios and she looked cool, I liked her outfit. Was she at a disadvantage going on first?
So we arrived in time for Scarlet Harlots. I thought they were excellent live, they have really good energy, and are very cool. I think they are the most honest band in the competiton. They seem real. I'm glad they went through.
Hmm, WHY didn't they put Toby Sebastian on first so I missed him instead of Bo? Althought actually, I thought this weeks song WAS his best song. His voice does sound nice in the studio, but nice isn't really what I demand from my indie idols. Still, he did play effortlessly. Not sorry in the slightest to see him go though, unlike Simon Gavin who must be crying into his little beard as we speak.
I thought the judges comments were all pretty lame today. They clearly hadn't been practising their insults in front of the mirror. Alex James calling Toby Sebastian posh was a bit silly, it's not his fault, is it?
I didn't really rate Hip Parade; I know it's unpopular; but I find them a bit generic. I still don't like that putting 'radio' in the title, it's too cynical. They are a bit McFlyish, I think. It's singalong, but it's not for me. I liked his haircut though; I like a bit of ginger.
I thought Tommy Reilly was on fine form today (biased!) He did my favourite song and his voice sounded great. He is a raw talent. I love his face when he gets compliments from the judges; he looks geniunely baffled.
The results! Bit gutted Bo didn't go through; but pleased that Scarlot Harlots did. It's quite telling that The Wombats are less talented than any of the semi-finalists, in my opinion. Can't we take their record deal off them and give it to Bo?
I think it should be noted that all the acts who went through have featured in my blog lately; Bo & Toby should REALLY have answered my interview questions already! I have the POWER. I can make or break you!!!
And with that in mind, Tommy to win. I want to hear his album.

Orange Unsigned Act: The Interviews

This week I interviewed the Orange Unsigned Act contestants... tonight's installments comes from the bands; Scarlet Harlots and Hip Parade. Enjoy!

Rob from Hip Parade:

1. Who's the best ginger in Eastenders, Bradley or Max?
well Bradley, cos Max is evil! (Max is the dad, yeah?)

2. Have any of you ever worn a dress? How did you look? If not, do you fancy it? Ive not, no... I dont have the legs for it!

3. Have you seen the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes.

4. What does a Hip Parade involve?
Ringing ears, pizza, Irn Bru and lack of sleep!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We need to win it to get out of our boring day jobs!! We have done all we can to prove ourselves in the show. Its now in the hands of the public!

Tom from Scarlet Harlots:

1. What other colour harlots do you like?
Just as Will Smith said in his heavy 90's tune Miami; '...Real sweet faces, every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban and Asian." If you're a Harlot, you're in!'

2. Would you rather have a cheese supper with Alex James or a years supply of Dairylea lunchables?
Dairylea. Next question.

3. Have any of you got recognised yet? What happened?
Geoff gets recognised regularly. Some (lovely) girl ran across the road screaming things at him in London the other week, almost at her peril, as the traffic was peaking. A conversation ended with the girl complimenting the whole Scarlet Harlots vibe, so all was good.

4. Is there a Yoko Ono figure in the Scarlet Harlots' story?
Yoko Ono's Flux film offerings were pretty wafty in all honesty! If you're asking about intense female characters in the Harlot hareem, then yes is the answer, but they're there for the right reason!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We can win the show if people are feeling us. There's way more to us than what you see on stage and your TV. The Harlot bug is spreading and if web numbers are anything to go by, we should make it to the final.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Hungry Ass

SO LISTEN. (Davina, please stop saying this, I AM listening)
Show Verne's meltdown! Now on channel 4, an exclusive advert. FUCK OFF! Show Verne's meltdown!
Tina and Mutya; dwarf hating! DON'T KICK THE GOLDEN GOOSE! Give him some champagne!!!
Note to the Endetrolls: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE SHOPPING LIST!
Tommy, bro. Coolio, bro. Ulrika-ka-ka called Coolio an anus!
I'm not being funny, but Tina said 'I'm not being funny...' three times tonight. When I hear the words 'I'm not being funny', I immediately replace it in my head with 'I'm a an utter cunt, so ignore the following statement..' So Tina (bowling ball with legs; Coolio's words, not mine) finally blew, but it was boring (except Michelle smirking). She is just a FISHWIFE. It's not sexism; it's idiocy. TINA was sexist with her 'fucking me and paying me mortgage' comment. Her attitude is disgraceful. Put the bitch in jail. She's the most intimidating person in the house.
Coolio was doing a Rex bigging up his cooking credentials. Coolio should respect Ulrika because 'she's married with four kids.' So what?! You should respect people anyway. I'm not married and I have no kids. Where's my medal?
BEN! Take your scunt off, it's getting BORING. I bet it's all filthy round your neck.
'If you don't moan for an hour; you can have a party'; So they all start arguing and moaning. The only way they can do it is to not speak at all. Shame!
How apt they played a song with the lyrics 'freak out' just before Verne went postal!
We were scared when we saw that smashed glass on the live feed last night! I thought Verne had kicked some arse.
Michelle, here's your letter from home; YOU'RE DUMPED! Haha to Ulrika's 'I think you and Ben could have sex now'; that was really funny.
Did Verne fold because he had a letter from home? He was kind of menacing circling round in his scooter. That was good TV. The silence was deafening. He's a naughty one, chatting up Ben and stuff! Coolio's 'we need to take your keys bro' was brilliant. His one liners are spot on at times.
The tension between La Toya and Verne was really interesting. Him cracking onto her was the best. 'With your smile you can do anything'. They would be the most brilliant couple ever.
I liked him beeping his horn at Mutya. I prefer naughty Verne! He's more well-rounded.
Evictions; the louder the 'YES' the more gutted they are! Haha. There goes your acting career; down the toilet. Coolio was right again.
Interview show; Tina, put your muff away! Why wasn't she booed more! BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Davina called her Princess Shrek. Hehe! She looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp watching those nominations. YOU DON'T LISTEN!
Tina Bingo:
1. I'm not being funny, but...
2. I'm a fat bird...
3. I'm the sort of person who...
4. Not arsed...
5. Coolio is a twat
6. Ulrika to win
We did a drinking game during this interview; 'fat bird' was a shot, and I had to swallow it. 'That's just the way I am...' was a lucky escape from 'I'm the sort of person who...'
Er, then my freeview fucked up. So I missed it if she said 'Ulrika to win.' But she did, didn't she? Cheers!

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I'm Not Being Funny, but...

How fat must your fanny be to want to get it lipo-ed? TMI, Tina. Nice comedy timing falling off the chair too. She's really dreamy!
Tommy and Coolio are crappy not doing the task. I'd be annoyed if I was in there and they were being so fucking lazy.
That Michelle catching Verne thing seemed like a bit of a health and safety issue. I don't think would have happened on Mario's watch. Verne just wanted a bit of contact with Michelle.
'I'm not being funny right, but we're going to get 100,000 hits on the website.' FAIL! I saw her mouthing off about this on the live feed too, she was seriously gutted. As Nelson of The Simpsons would say, Ha-ha!
Ben smoking in that costume was a pure fire hazard! Mario, come back! Then he did a Liz McDonald behind the sofa. Subtle! I don't know if he really frightened Ulrika or if she was just humouring him.
Does La Toya do anything? She's the perfect example of flying under the radar. She looked happy when Ulrika fucked up her task though.
I liked that piano task, it was cool. I want to play giant piano! I like Mut-E-ya.
What did Tina go 'told you' for about the hits? I'm not being funny but but she said they were gonna get 100,000 hits because she's in Shameless on Channel 4. Shame no one watches it because it's a load of shit.
In Verne vs Ulrika, Ulrika was actually in the right. She DIDN'T say that about La Toya; I rewound it on my freeview. Ulrika is controlling but on that point she was in the right, I concur.
Tina, my dear: it's not CLICK, it's CLIQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh, I hate you so much. Finally she got off her arse and gave Ulrika a hug; after about ten minutes.
Pretty poor tonight. Hey ho.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Weakasaurus (consider me a turtle)

I'm like a blog machine this week! You can tell I live alone, don't you? I DO have a life, honest! *eats chocolate orange in bed*
Michelle STOP CRYING. What's the opposite of sympathy? That's how I feel. She could get voted out if she doesn't put a sock in it and then we'll be stuck with Tina.
God, I hate Tommy. He's so pointless. He sucks up air time like a hoover, and gives us nothing back.
I liked the toy outfits. I've not seen ONE PERSON in jail yet! What a waste of time.
It was weird when those kids came in and sat on Verne's scooter; what a liberty! God, let me never have a baby if it makes me blub at the mere sight of any given child. (Oh yeah, and they are scary and stuff.)
Task quitters! Mutya is surly but she's hardly scary. 'I aint being nobody's clown' she said, with red painted cheeks. Terry threw himself wholeheartedly into his task. Even Tina fookin' tried, like.
Verne's crush on Michelle is sweet. No one's really clocked it either (in there).
Do you know what I hate? When they announced the noms and all those voted for went 'yes!'. That's not the spirit of BB! They are meant to want to stay IN! Urgh. I hate these celebrities.
I actually think Ukrika and Michelle hammed up how upset they were with what Coolio said. He just spouts shit; butI have seen worse from him. They did well to play it up. Haha even Coolio was shocked he didn't get nominated. Everyone was too scared to nominate him! Ha, I loved Coolio saying he was not talking anymore! Whilst talking a lot. He's come out with some great phrases tonight. If he used his brain; he could win this show. I think he's too much of a loose cannon, though.
The bit where Terry was ticking him off in the ashtray was hilarious! Coolio is a big baby. His sulky face was great. At least Michelle tried to talk to him.
I love Verne's Hollywood stories! I wish we could hear more. But Coolio yaps too much.
PS: On the live feed last night Coolio and Terry were in the bath together! It was cute! It was interesting when Coolio said his kids wanted to play with Verne because they thought he was a kid. It was kind of touching and interesting. Verne is always going on about computer games! He even said he skipped Christmas and played computer games instead of seeing his family the other day. That's lightupvirginmary levels of anti-socialness.(I have insomnia right now: I wonder if it's BB related?)

The news is all you're good for

I haven't had a good rant for a while, so here it is. The Daily Mail. And more specifically, Allison Pearson. Whilst she is the least poisonous of the Plattell/Moir coven, she really does come across as being almost criminally thick as shit, which is just as offensive in it's own way.
Here's the link to her thoughts on the Prince Harry racism video. The only good thing about the online version is at least her photograph is a little more truthful; she's about 15 years younger and 3 stone lighter in the actual paper. It;s like going on a blind date and finding out the other person has gone through the menopause whilst you weren't looking.
Anyway, let's unpick it together.
'Sorry, did I fall asleep and miss the moment when Prince Harry became Alf Garnett?' SORRRWWWWWEEEEE! What a shit start to a column. She's meant to be a professional, she sounds like a 12 year old member of the BNP doing her first ever blog.
'Last time I looked, the young officer was giving out awards at the Children of Courage ceremony with a tact, humour and gentleness that would have made his late mother proud.' What, with a camera in his face? What a saint. I'm sure his mother, who died alongside her Egyptian boyfriend would be thrilled to bits to discover what a liberal, intelligent young man he's turned out to be.
'Now, suddenly, Harry is a wicked racist - make that a thick, ginger-haired Royal racist - who must 'learn a painful lesson' and go on TV to make a public apology for his crime. Have we all gone barking mad?' Yes, SUDDENLY he's a racist. Like SUDDENLY YOU'D be a racist if you went up to your colleague Baz Bambigoyne and called him a n*****. That's how it works. You say something racist; THAT MAKES YOU A RACIST. Have we all gone barking mad? No, just you, love.
'It would seem so, judging by the buckets of vitriol poured over Harry for using the words 'Paki' and 'raghead' in a video made in 2006. While filming fellow cadets, Harry zoomed in on Captain Ahmed Raza Khan saying: 'Ah, our little Paki friend... Ahmed.'
Out of context, his words may shock. But in context, Harry was simply indulging in equal-opportunities Army banter - that's equally offensive to everyone, be they Taff, Paddy, Jock or simply some poor sod saddled with a fat girlfriend.' Yes, lets all be offensive to everyone! You've got a fat girlfriend? URGH!
'Yes, for people of my generation and older, the word Paki is utterly toxic. It stirs up memories of an ugly and contemptible period in race relations, of skinheads and terrified families with dog mess pushed through the letterbox.
Whether we like it or not, Harry's age group are far less likely to find such jibes offensive. They are also far less likely to be prejudiced. Their sense of humour is edgier. Race is no longer significant to the vast majority of young Britons. These days, it's 'chavs' who have become the hated sub-group.' Not only is this utter bullshit, it's DANGEROUS bullshit. It's YOUR generation who says 'paki' NOT ours. How DARE you? How dare you say young people fling that word around so casually? That's an outright LIE. I wouldn't say that in a million years; the fact Harry did it ON CAMERA shows not just racism, but utter stupidity. He also used the words 'raghead' (but 'only to describe the Taliban'- as if we can pick and choose what groups to be racist about dependent on their behaviour). I WILL NOT let you SAY THESE THINGS. It is not 'edgy' to be racist. It's appalling. God, the hoo-ha that was made about Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross you'd think they'd gang-raped Baby P, but Harry is allowed to call people 'pakis', 'ragheads' and 'queers' (although the queer comment has been conveniently dropped by the Mail because they care less about gay rights than fucking LIGHTBULBS) and bless him, he's just trying to fit in, just having a gas. NO. IT'S WRONG. I'd like to see this dominating the front pages for weeks like Sachs-gate. But it won't.
She continues; 'If this country were not so self-hating, perhaps we could take a minute to congratulate ourselves on having produced youngsters who are far more colour blind than any previous generation. Harry Wales is among them.' Harry Wales? Is that his name now? Is that a typo? Fucking hell, my blog is more well turned out that this dogshit. Yes, Allison. Prince Harry is so colourblind, he points out people's differences in offensive and unnaceptable language. How proud I am of this country. I must take a second to wonder how Allison would write about some council estate 'yobbos', some 'hoodie chavs', calling some innocent person a 'paki' or a 'raghead'. Oh, aren't they all so inclusive! Look at the comradere! She would beam with joy at this spectacle, obviously. You stupid fucking idiot.
This is my favourite bit; 'He doesn't have a bigoted bone in his body,' says Commando Ben McBean, who lost an arm and a leg fighting the Taliban and shared a flight home with Harry. Ben also happens to be black. Oh, well if a black person who lost an arm and a leg said it, I take it ALL BACK!!!
It goes on and on, but anyway, you get the general idea; she's a thick bitch (and I don't use that word lightly to describe other women) and Harry is an idiotic waste of oxygen, three years ago or ten minutes ago, I don't really give two shits.
I'll leave you with Allison's reason for defending Harry so resolutely:
'Personally, I always had grave doubts about the pampered ginger princeling who swigged cocktails that cost half a nurse's monthly wage. I changed my mind when I saw him at that Children of Courage ceremony.
Harry got down on his knees to greet some profoundly disabled kids so they wouldn't be daunted and so he could make them laugh. There was only one other royal capable of stooping to conquer like that.' Awww. He stooped down to make some disabled kids laugh. So. Fucking. What.
Allison Pearson; you sicken me. Well done, you actually made my blood boil. And as for Peter McKay who declared earlier in the week 'everyone uses this sort of language behind closed doors in their own home.' I don't. You can be a sick, bigoted fuckhead but don't drag ME into it.
Scum, one and all. This country is self-hating because there's very little to be proud of. That's about it.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The First Noms (This is MY house)

Madonna looks like a bag of crisps?! That's one bag of crisps I wouldn't eat.
So, the first nominations. Ah, Ben of A3 fame hasn't thought of anyone to nominate. Make the following words into one 8-letter-word: shit bull. He didn't exactly hesitate when he got in the diary room, did he?
And so we find out what they are really thinking. Blaming Tina for him being quiet in the house is a bit rich; she didn't form his personality. And voting Mutya over Coolio! Bad boy.
Coolio voted Ulrika 'to take her superior arse home' and Michelle 'because she has a decent body.' Uh?! That's the weirdest nomination ever.
La Toya tried to give some lame reason for nominating Ulrika, but she quickly enough came out with 'she's bossy and has hatred in her face.' Harsh! That's not hatred, it's botox. Besides, I'd rather have hatred in my face than someone else's skin colour on my entire body.
Finally; nominations to agree with! Michelle voted Tina and Coolio. Notice how she said 'something on Ben's side from me.' She is coming off kind of passive-aggressive bunny-boiler-ish.
I like Mutya! Tommy is annoying; why didn't he get more nominations? OMG Mutya nominated Verne!!! Get ready to get blasted on BBLB. You don't fuck with the golden goose, you dwarfist!!! Heads will ROLL. PS. Why the fuck didn't she nominate Coolio?
Terry nominated Michelle for being touchy and then projected over Ulrika. I think Ulrika liked him very much on Day 1. Terry just saw green. He enjoyed those nominations, didn't he? I still want him to be my pick, but he has got a right narky side.
What's with Tina's hat? Is it fetish-wear? Nominating Michelle for being 'shallow' when she actually meant 'thin'. And that aint no lie! And Ben! Poor puppy. He is a boring bastard though. Although I thought his story about the date was fair. I hate gold-diggers.
Tommy nommed Ulrika aka EUREKA (if you're a dumbass). His nomination for her came off very controlling, brother. He also nominated Mutyargh. Why should she break into song for you, you dullard? And as for not cleaning! Put your apron on Mutty, make Tommy a sandwich, there's a good girl.
Er... why aren't more people nominating TINA??? And who's Gay Guevara T-shirt is that? The public needs to know!
Ulrika wreaked her revenge on Ben for being more popular than her in that previous vote, right. Her reasons for nominating him were a bit weird. I would definitely vote out La Toya if she was there. She gives me nightmares.
Verne nominated Ulrika-ka-ka for being controlling. OK, all the Americans hate her, so she must be doing something to rub people up the wrong way. I want to defend her but the evidence mounts up. Shame, really. THANK FUCK VERNE NOMINATED TINA! He could win the show just on that one nomination alone. I love you, Verne. Wanna make a porno?
I can't BELIEVE Coolio didn't get more votes. How bizarre! So; it's all girls up. It's gotta be Tina, RIGHT?
Ben said out of all the women La Toya was the sexiest? I think he should have gone to Specsavers.
Tina's glee at telling people their negatives!!! Imagine calling The Samaritans and getting her on the line. 'Just FOOKIN' kill yourself!'
OH GOD I'M SO BORED OF THE MICHELLE/ BEN/ COOLIO TRIANGLE OF DESPAIR! Ben, grow some balls and stick up for yourself and your 'friend'. Michelle was milking it, but for God's sake, that joke isn't funny anymore. She's not 'playing into his hands' by being pissed off, but I'm sick of the lot of 'em. Coolio is bullying Michelle because he fancies her. It's pathetic. I WOULD walk out if it was me, if she really wants to prove her feelings. But the lure of fame is too much. And Cuntio said as much. Still, the blaming the victim thing is wrong. And why should she leave, really?
Ah, Michelle was doing that crying you do when you're 6 with little gasps in between. Talk of 'MY BOYFRIEND' reminds me of Rex and 'MY GIRLFRIEND'. And we know how happy they were, right? So my solution is let's ship Michelle Heaton's boyfriend in and let's see what REAL love is.
Ben is such a wet rag of a man. His 'I think you need to apologise' line was pathetic. He's the kind of boyfriend you dread getting beaten up on a night out because you suspect he'd cry his eyes out and call up his mummy. (this sounds sexist; but you know it's true, so I may as well say it)
La Toya's genius theory that 'we expect that behaviour out of Coolio, so let's overlook it.' was just perfect. Yeah; I expect a bit of kiddy-fiddling out of Gary Glitter, so I've decided just to overlook it and let him babysit. Lawks!

Orange Unsigned Act: Not a catchy name for a show.

How about the Alt. Factor? Indie Idol? I suppose they wanted to squeeze 'orange' in. (That was almost a joke)

FYI: Have I mentioned I like Tommy Reilly? Jo Wiley's face is highly amusing in this. I think she's whispering in that guy's ear that she's got the hots for him.


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I also like Bo Bruce, her voice is lush:


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This blog was sponsored by lightupvirginmary being a ligger. It's all downhill from here, I'll be singing the praises of Michelle Heaton next week if someone gives me 50p and a sausage sandwich. (Don't tell MOZZY!)

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I just can't get enough electric shocks...

...as Patrick Wolf once sang. And he goes on; 'I want to buy a lighthouse and ride a giraffe on the rocks.' And why not? But I digress.
What the fuck does 'high-handed' mean anyway!? It's a weird old expression. No one is coming out of this situation very well. I was interested to hear La Toya's views on Ulrika, as she has no prior knowledge of her, and can only be going on what she sees.
I LOVED the camera panning to Verne when they mentioned porn. I haven't had the pleasure of seeing his porno yet, but believe me, I've looked (I'm depraved.) I DID find the 'incident' Coolio mentioned, which was funny as hell, I think I need to download some of that Surreal Life show. Big Brother UK must seem exceedingly vanilla by comparison.
Tina was mouthing off about nothing as usual. Yap, yap, yap. Put the doggy down, it's gone rabid! At least they are starting to see through her now.
Oh my god, I have never heard so much whining about people wanting to leave! We get it, you're in it for the MONEY! How about providing some laughs whilst you're at it, you grasping shrews?
Ooh, La Toya; stirring it up, with her talk of romance and eye-talk! That hat was nutty. Tina just agreeing with everything she said was DULL! If Tina cared about Michelle she would have shut down that conversation straight away. Naughty.
Did they give Verne an entire roast chicken? It looked like it! The yanks had ever heard of Richard Blackwood?! Well I never. Haha they had still forgotten Barrymore. Alwight?! Tommy seemed to be rather ENJOYING his electric shocks, didn't he? Gross.
I like it when Verne gets a bit pissy with Coolio. It's amusing.
Aw, see Tina hiding her belly behind a cushion! Shame. It was a good task, but it's recycled. Time for some new ideas.
Coolio! Sexual harrassment! Mutya; unhealthy attitudes towards women, relationships and men. No male friends? Tragic.
Oh my God, then Tina broke her confidence to La Toya! The woman has NO integrity whatsoever. Ulrika had the public mood UTTERLY wrong about Tina. She was quite right about Ben though; he gives nothing away. Except in the diary room, where he said he didn't fancy Michelle. Ouch!
I love it when Yanks say 'shag'.
Oh yeah, and read Charlie B's BB bloggy cos it's better than mine (obv).

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ho-magnet

What is the difference between ho's, bitches and women? Tommy said there's no difference! Haha. He was trying to get on his high horse today, but it wasn't quite working out for him. yelling 'Pish' at Coolio wasn't exactly reasoned debate.
How come Coolio is allowed in the house when he has a criminal record? So us plebs would be banned for that, but he's OK, because he's famous. Coolio calling women 'ho's' and 'loose women' for wearing mini-skirts is deplorable; but I'm not in the least bit surprised that Coolio doesn't get called up on it, sexism is considered perfectly acceptable in all walks of society, and if a woman even tries to defend it; well, it was nice knowing you.
Mutya let herself down by colluding with him. But again, it's very common for women to have those sorts of self-hating views. All too common, in fact. At least she had the nous to realise men don't get called those sorts of names.
Tina complaining that no one stands up to Coolio (whilst not standing up to Coolio) was tragic. I can't believe he brought up the Michelle and Ben thing again. It's just painful. Poor Ben hasn't got the gonads to fight back and Michelle seems uncharacteristically quiet. Verne was kind to her. I think he has a soft spot for her.
I thought Mutya looked cute again in her lycra; what's wrong with me?! And she had stubbly armpits too; nice. Actuually Michelle looked alright too and seemed like a good dancer; why am I saying these things?! I loved the camera panning up and down everyone's body; Verne looked good in pastels. Coolio looked like a children's TV presenter. Tina; not so much. Ben looked about as gay as anyone I've ever seen.
Coolio's takes of smuggling weed through customs didn't go down very well, did it? Terry is OBSESSED with Ulrika's fee!!! He's like Luke from last year banging on about the cheque. I feel sorry for Ulrika a bit. I think she's just naturally a bit cold and Terry has a bee in his bonnet (I wrote this before Ulrika even said it!) about her, it's almost like some inverted snobbery. I wish he'd stop because he's my fave and it's making him look a bit bad.
Tommy was a bit nosy with Verne about his dwawfism, but let's face it we all want to know. Does he have a shortened life expectancy, I wonder?
Nominations talk; on Tina's father's grave she did not mention a single name. Except... she did mention Ulrika's, didn't she? Ho hum.

Orange UnsignedAct- The wild card edition

Why is there no gap between unsigned and act? I don't like it! I'll get the grammar police onto it right away.
So there was a bit of a change to the format this week with the show taking place live in the studio; not very handy for me, as I taped it and didn't tape the results show which was on later, as I didn't know there was one- dammit. I see Alex James is trying to rework his 90s hairdo; nice try, but the cheese-eating catches up with us all, Alex. You can't fool us that way. And no rubber trousers this week? Sob. I live to see 40-year-old fading Britpoppers in amusing fetish-wear. The record company guy, Simon Gavin (look I wrote his name down and everything) was giving it the whole Peter Jones 'I need you to put my kids through school' schtick tonight. But you have Duffy for that, so no dramas.
Scarlet Harlots were up first; the lead singer wearing a lovely patterned tracksuit top. That song did seem quite appealing; a noisy old catchy mess. I like his Ian Brown posturing and jigging around.
Aw that was a bit cruel when Dennis the Menace's dad said Fangs were too old. They have sunglasses on, so you can't tell that! I have those sunglasses, they cost £2 from Primark and went out of fashion around May this year. I didn't like the song they did today, but I liked some of their other ones, and they were were at least interesting, if a bit derivative. (Did someone force the audience to clap in time like that? That was peculiar) Ageist Alex James said, 'That was a stonking riff, man.' Oh dear. Cos that's how all the kids speak, innit, blud?
I like Klaus Says Buy The Record, he's cute and quirky, like a mini-Patrick Wolf in his shorts. I like the fact he barely looked up during his song. I liked the folkiness and the lyrics (and his hair). He is too niche, though. He took a leaf out of Will Young's book and hit back at the judges; hey, it's worth a try.
Sleeper Cell (awful band name) are mindless pop-rock. Like little boys playing at being a band. The song was catchy, but so's syphilis. I'm too old for this. The name 'Barnaby' speaks for itself, really.
I liked Pyrelli's first audition, but his last one (where he got voted out) was a bit lacklustre. Today he did the acoustic one again I think, which I enjoyed at the time, but he was putting on an American accent at times today, which is a bit rich when he's clearly English and works in a shoe shop. It sounded kind of plodding and 'take her number down, why didn't I?' is a rhyme-shoehorn even Yoda would blanch at.
So I had to look on the website to discover Scarlet Harlot's made it. Hurrah for them, they deserved it. Now if all goes well, I should be attending the live show next week so I should have some behind the scenes info. It aint the Oscars, but it's more fun. If I get to ask Alex James something about cheese, life will be complete.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Butt plugs with horse-tails

I watched a good chunk of the live feed last night and I thought it was fascinating seeing how up on his history Terry Christian was. He held court really comfortably. I was envious of how knowledgable he appeared; I'd kill to know that much about any given subject. I think intelligence is so attractive in people, It excites me if someone uses an impressively long word in the right context. I saw a different side to Coolio; he's rough around the edges but he wants to learn about the world, and that's no bad thing. No doubt he will be portrayed in the same dogged light in the highlights though. And he does himself no favours, let's be honest.
Good to see Mutya lose it a bit tonight; sulking and demanding her 'oinkment'. She's been too quiet so far.
Surprise surprise Tina 'can I just say something' Malone was taking over the shopping list, basically snatching the peanut butter out of Verne's little hands. What's with the hot water obsession, too? Just boil a fucking kettle, you old bag. Her muttering under her breath at Coolio is utterly pathetic; say it to his FACE! You don't DARE. You are all bluff and bluster and NO FUCKING BALLS. Nice try with the false lashes; you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig, right, Obama?
I was shocked when scunt-wearer extraordinaire Ben Adams mentioned butt plugs with horse-tails on. Is he gonna whip out his gimp mask later and give Heaton a glood flogging? (Urgh! Apologies for that image)
Was Ulrika pretending to cry? I couldn't work that out. It was a bit selfish to steal the limelight like that as Lucy got the heave-ho and moaning cos she didn't get kicked out; people spent money kicking Lucy out to save you. I can't stand people harping on about wanting to leave; it's so boring. Stop making it hard for me to defend you, woman! I thought Coolio dealt with her quite nicely.
No sign of the late night chat in the highlights; it doesn't give me much hope of having well-rounded housemates in there in the summer. Obviously arguments about the shopping list are WAY more exciting than Terry Christian's views on slavery and Coolio's plans to make Terry a star in the US and get him a doctorate from Princeton (just on the basis he's watching a lot of the History channel). Boo.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: What a twat

A word on yesterdays show; Is Compton posh? Hehe. I thought Endless Love was very funny, it made me cry with laughter but I think they will hammer it too much now. I was also impressed with the way Lucy stood up to Cuntio who is looking increasingly erratic. I wouldn't last five seconds in there with him. If he tried to 'test my limits' I'd nut the idiot. 'What a twat' is right.
Tonights show; it goes without saying, but Davina is more insufferable than ever. I used to be able to just about bear her, but she seems more inane and condesending as the years go on, clinging to the wreck of the limping show harder than Coolio clinging to Gangsta's Paradise and his patchy, balding cornrows.
Tonight Tina used those immortal words 'I'm not being funny, but...' Still waiting for her to say; 'I'm the kind of person who...', 'fookin' fat bird' and 'I've got a great arse/ fanny/ brain the size of Jupiter.' For such a mouthy 'bird' she sure keeps her trap shut when Coolio starts his wind-up machine. Annoying everyone into leaving is an interesting strategy, and one I've not seen before. I think Coolio is modelling himself on Science circa BB 2004/5? Luckily they aren't arguing so much about food... yet. But I'm sure it'll happen, I can't see La Toya living happily on a quid a day.
Why is Coolio allowed to sexually harrass people in there? That is totally out of order. You think Big Brother would be onto that kind of stuff this year, but clearly harrassment of women isn't a priority for them. I bet you a million pounds right now that he gets booted out of there for something; either punching someone or touching someone the wrong way. Remember I told you!
La Toya needs some practise on the gossiping front. Hiding your mouth like that has the effect of making you look guilty as hell. PS. Friends can be nice.
So Lucy got the boot. She said 'Thank god and she was so happy'.' Yeah I bet. Ulrika seemed to stop crying when it was announced that she was safe. Come on Ulrika, earn your cash.
The interview: Davina was behaving like a dirty old man, berating Lucy for not getting her tits out; it's not like an obligation. Why should she? And then saying 'you basically got chucked out for that.' Nice. Girl power!
I was sickened by Davina saying 'he doesn't really mean it' when Coolio said he was going to elbow Lucy in the face. The point is, he shouldn't be allowed to SAY THAT. You shouldn't be allowed to threaten people or make comments about beating women. Don't make excuses for him.
Davina: 'I want to take Verne home and put him in my pocket.' He's a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN, you patronising prat. Think before you speak, for god's sake. She really should put her brain into gear before she opens her gob.
Will someone take on Cuntio now Lucy's gone? Tina, stand up and show us what you're made of.

Gig: Tommy Reilly at Proud Galleries in Camden

Writing a blog has almost no perks. In my time here I have written squillions of words about Big Brother, Morrissey and crisps, and the most I've got for my troubles is berated by an angry virgin who I slagged off on a reality show, invited to a film thing, and invited to be on Freaky Eaters. Eek!
But last night I actually got invited to something good, so I dug myself out from my sick bed and ventured Camden-wardly. Last week I wrote about Orange Unsigned Act, and my pick to win, Scottish singer-songwriter Tommy Reilly. His PR read my blog and invited me to his gig, so I and JOTV went down to do some networking, darling (this actually involved sitting in a corner, having a migraine, with JOTV playing The Weakest Link on his clapped out old Nokia).
I got a text message alert on route that 'Tommy was having some food'. I felt like a stalker! Let the boy eat!
The Proud Galleries themselves are a peculiar venue, otherwise recognisable as a bit of Camden market (one of the bits that hasn't been razed to the ground). Normally in this area people are selling their old Smurf collection and Beanos, but they've gutted it, put up some nice artwork, and now there's a vast expanse of gig roomage (which had all the romance and atmosphere of an empty barn) and some 'stables' to sit in which are like little VIP rooms with flashy tables. The drinks were VERY cheap. I'm not sure why, but let's not knock it.
Tommy was being herded round various groups by his PR; which is my idea of a living hell, so I felt sorry for him that I was going to be adding to his list of schmoozing to be done. I had my photo taken with him (the less said about that the better). He seemed very disarming and up for a chat with some total strangers who may or may not write something horrible about him, when you can tell it's probably not his ideal evening either. I told him I'd found someone's fake nail stuck to me, but was soon whisked away from us. The next person he spoke to had a huge notepad of questions and JOTV berated me for being unprofessional, so the next time Tommy came in alone, I beckoned him over. I said I had some questions and he very politely took my notepad off me and started reading them (so thank god I didn't write anything offensive).
And here's the interview (I was trying to think of funny Smash Hits-style questions, but failed miserably):
What have you got on your rider? He would have pizza and beer, but he doesn't have one.
Who are your favourite bands? Scottish ones especially Frightened Rabbit (I fancy listening to these). I was pressing him on if he liked Bright Eyes as I think they have a similar sound and he said he had the live album, which is one step up from JOTV who just has the Christmas album (why oh why?!)
What TV do you like? I asked him this one for us! For the good of the blog. He said he liked the Mighty Boosh and Blackadder. He said more, but I wrote nothing down, and I forgot the rest (listen, I'm ill!) I asked him if he liked the X Factor and he said he hated Alexandra's Hallelujah (a popular feeling at present). Finally he was frowning at the last question on my pad, going 'what's that?' My final question was 'What do you think about the great lightbulb revolt?' as I had been mildly amused by reports of old people struggling to read by the harsh, buzzing, stinky light of the new energy efficient lightbulbs. Tommy concluded that he was pro-the new bulbs. I said, 'what if old people don't know how to use them because they get confused easily?' and he said, 'fuck 'em.' Or I might have said this, but he definitely agreed. It's all a bit hazy without a dictaphone. Anyway; that was all clearly very exciting but onto the gig!
Tommy came on at 11. I had a KILLER migraine, so if he could take my mind of that, then I was a fan. I thought his first songs all sounded quite short; but halfway through the set they seemed more fully-formed. I liked the lyrics, 'I dropped my words on the floor, can you pick them up for me?' Again, it's quite abstract and Conor Oberst-like (it reminds me of 'thought the kettle was a train/ thought that Monday was a doorframe' lyric off the solo Conor album).
The second half of the set was really good, he played 'Jackets', 'I Don't Like Coffee' (JOTV's pick) and 'Give me a call' my favourite, because, er, it's the best one. Tommy did really well to hold a pretentious London crowd's attention with just him, a cardigan and a guitar; no band at all. He told me it was his first gig in Camden, and the venue was about the opposite of the sweaty, jostling, fire-hazardy feeling you get squashed up inside the Barfly. But even without that sort of appealing gig-glue, he created his own atmosphere with his lyrics and his voice alone. I really like it when he pushes his voice as far as it can go. I like voices that almost make people wince; because there's truth in it. The kind of truth you don't ever get on X Factor.
It was really good to find myself entirely out of my comfort zone like this; I'm the least schmoozey, fan-ey, wanting-to-go-out-and-meet-people person in the world, so I think it was healthy for me to force myself into that situation. I am really looking forward to Orange Unsigned Act this week, any spare tickets going?! Haha. Maybe this schmoozing's alright after all. Vote Tommy, he is the best raw talent of the bunch. Oh yeah; and here's my super-high quality video evidence of proceedings, enjoy:

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ready for a go

Christ, Heaton looked a little ropey without her slap on. She laboured that point about Ben once AGAIN, Coolio said sorry; what more does she want?
Coolio said Tina looked 'hot and ready for a go.' Charming as ever. Tina says, 'A lot of women need to be drunk to be able to fuck without inhibitions.' Speak for yourself, love, not womankind. You seem utterly without inhibition anyway.
After my dietary brainwashing yesterday, it struck me today that Lucy Pinder looks like a young Claire Sweeney. I hope Ulrika stays over her, although she is coming off like a cold fish at the moment. I wish she'd be a bit warmer and funny, as I know she can be.
Terry was liking his king role a lot, but I think a lot of his schtick is tongue-in-cheek and no one really holds it against him. You can get away with a lot if you have a bit of cheeky Northern charm.
I guess Ben from A4 got revenge on the girl who rinsed him on a date by calling her out on TV. I can't bring myself to hate him; but he's really just a better-looking H from Steps, no? There's nothing really going on up there. He just looks like someone I might have gone to school with; I can't get too excited by it.
Latoya in a Jester costume was very, very sinister. I didn't like that at all. And it wasn't helped when she was mentioning ho's. Ho's!!! Does ho's have an apostrophe? I have no idea.
I can't believe Ulrika slapped Terry! How funny. I'm glad they didn't make a big deal of it.
Coolio seemed more bearable today in small doses.
Tommy worrying about being 'portrayed' a certain way with Michelle was pitiful verging on worrying. How does it 'look bad' to have a dance with someone? I'd be fairly comfortable with my boyfriend hugging, giving someone a peck, lying next to someone on their bed and so on. If you are trustworthy; you can't be 'portrayed' a certain way. Because you have integrity. Ah, I see, that's the problem.; they have none.
Ooh did I see a crack in the Ulrika mask during the task? She looked upset. Tina didn't look too fookin' happy either. The reason Terry gave Ulrika for nominating her was lame. He should have just said he was jealous of the money; that was the truth, I believe that now. He made himself look a little silly there.
The fact Tommy brought that thing up again was just him trying to get attention and be sexually threatening when Michelle just sees him as a silly old man. And why was he putting on rubber gloves at the time? The mind boggles. Whichever way you dress it up; he's a creep.
Ulrika; it's kind of boring to hear you're just there to do a job and you're not going to give us any more of yourself. And maybe people WILL keep you in, just to make you suffer. Because we're accommodating like that.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: 2nd Live Show

I can't bear to hear Coolio talking anymore. I can't stick him. Michelle was over-reacting but Coolio is very childish and confrontational. It's weird to hear Michelle Heaton described as 'shy' and not 'drunk' or 'orange'.
It was a bit unfair during the task that Terry didn't get to clarify. It made him look a right chump. I'm not surprised everyone saved puppy-dog Ben. He does seem very NICE. *shudder*
I thought this show was a big let down personally; it wasn't particularly tense. What was the point of Davina even doing it? They should have hoofed someone out immediately.
So that was it.
PS: It suddenly struck me that Mutya looks kind of sexy with all her tattoos and stuff. Is that wrong?

Claire Sweeney: My Big Fat Diet

I know I'm watching a lot of TV this week but I'm ill, so you know, please excuse me for not having a life. It's pathetic I know, but I'm feverish, so it's this or the Nurofen nightmares.
I don't really get the premise of this programme; Claire Sweeney's 'radical nutritional experiement' in giving up all self control; to eat what she wants, when she wants. Yeah, I do that every single day. It's not that radical. In fact, it's pretty damn easy. Apparently this makes me a 'human dustbin'. Haha. It's too true, actually.
Like most people; I can't stand Claire Sweeney. My mum in particular doesn't like the way she blows a whistle (?!) But hey, let's give her a chance. It's not her fault she's northern and has an annoying face. She seems friendly enough.
She weighed 9 stone 13 pounds at the start of the 'experiement' (she's 5'8). Her body did look very good in a bikini I must say.
There is something extremely patronising about the idea of people (no, let's get this right, women) eating what they want as 'spoiling themselves' or 'being naughty'. I live in a disgraceful manner, and should be an example to no one, but I'd rather be a human fucking dumptruck than the kind of skinny dullard who cries if they eat something more calorific than a polo mint. The idea that being 'indulgent' is such a crime is actually very damaging to the psyche, and especially danaging to women. (As an aside, I read the always offensive colour supplement free with the News of the World this week which was a 'diet special' solely aimed at women and raving about how fabulous various skinny stars looked, the clear message being, you'd better starve yourself too, if you want to be accepted on this planet. No thanks.)
The idea that you have to be monitored by a medical consultant to eat what you want is rubbish; I've eaten nothing but crap my entire life and I have perfectly normal blood pressure and always have done. I've never eaten a vegetable in my life. It's like Morgan Spurlock's doctor saying more that one McDonalds a week is basically going to kill you; I lived on sausage and chips every day from the ages of about 10 to 18 (alright, make that 28). Your body just gets used to it. It's dramatic changes in diet or lifestyle that cause problems. If you've always been a slob, your body just deals with it. The patronising manner of the 'experts' in these shows directly contradicts the evidence of life as we know it. I'm not saying that I'm not going to have health problems in the future, because I'm quite sure I am. But this 'health' message is tacked onto the real agenda, which is body fascism, and is quite a different issue to any genuine concerns about health.
The underlying message is about 'guilt' about eating; I've never felt guilty about eating anything in my life. It's my body. If I'm overweight, it's my fault. But I'm not going to feel guilty about it.
The gratuitous shots of Sweeney eating ice-cream and chips as if she was some strange creature are just alienating for normal people. Her friend said 'she normally stops me from eating too much.' If my friends started telling me what or how much to eat I'd seriously wonder if they'd lost their marbles.
Her alleged 'love handles' and 'pot belly' looked non-existent to me. What kind of message does this give to our anorexic youth? What's the meaning of the show? You'd better fucking starve yourself, or else! That's all it seems to be. A lesson in fear, and an utterly unrealistic one.
She put on nearly a stone in three weeks, but that wouldn't continue. Your weight levels off at some point. I don't put on a stone a month and I eat what I want. I put on a stone every year or so. Once I get a double chin I'll actually do something about it, but my face is maddeningly skinny, so I just pretend the rest of my body doesnt exist! I'm still pretty from the neck up, so that's the main thing.
The bit where she went to LA was abhorrent; as if that's any sort of barometer of sanity. The fact that they want you to be a size 2 or 4 (which is a 4 or a 6) is actually sick. It's pre-pubescent and not possible for the average human with hips and boobs and you know, working kidneys. Claire Sweeney's body looked perfectly normal and attractive. In Hollywood they do not like shapely bodies, they like the more boyish look. Well look at fucking BOYS then. Women have curves!!! Again I did not see the point of this section of the show. Hollywood has unrealistic ideals. This is not a good thing to be stuffing inside women's heads. In fact, it's downright dangerous. The message of the show really seems to be; if you do what you want, and eat what you want, you will be ugly, so you'd better fucking toe the line and starve like a good girl. Her 'friends' came round after she'd put on a stone and a half and said 'I can't even look at you'. I'd say 'well fuck off then, you shallow piece of shit.' What a prick. I'd rather be friends with a tub of Ben and Jerry's than that vain twat.
Does Sweeney even consider that people with REAL weight problems, ie. people who's dress sizes start past the teens must feel listening to her mither on about how fat and disgusting she is? It seems like gross insensitivity.
The moral of the story? Eating too much makes you fat. But hey. I'd rather be Beth Ditto than Gillian McKeith.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: 1st Live Show

Oh fucking hell. Tina. Shut up. Stop going on about how 'fookin' good you are in bed, or how you're 'fookin' this or that. I don't want to KNOW. Here's what you are; an obnoxious, loud, arrogant, unpleasant foghorn of a person. You're the kind of person who goes 'no, that's not the kind of person I am' when the evidence of your petty existence is laid out in front of you as if it were a mirror. Do people actually LIKE her? Who? Why? Also, I'm of the entirely medical opinion that if you're going to smoke, you damn well better eat healthy, and if you eat crap all the time (like me) you'd better not smoke. Otherwise you're just a heart attack in waiting. But far be it from me to stop you, love. Wanna light?
Did you get the feeling Terry had to do 3 nominations because Big Brother didn't like his first two? Because I did! The integrity thing was a bit mean; I felt a bit sorry for Terry. I wish he'd put Coolio up.
Big brother translation corner: 'he is a big character' equals 'he's an arsehole.' Against all my previous convictions I'm actually liking Michelle Heaton. I used to absolutely despise her when she wrote that fucking awful column in OK, it used to make my blood boil. But I guess it wasn't her fault she just took the cash. I just don't have the energy to feel angry with her at the moment.
Verne talked very eloquently about Heath Ledger, it was quite moving. La Toya's tale seemed more like a tale, even though I know a lot of it is true. Are you glad you asked, A3 dude?
I liked the fact that the task where they pretended to be each other just enabled them to rip the shit out of each other and be dead sexist. I was wondering if the Coolio orangutan comment was racist, but my boyfriend assured me as a midget Verne gets 2 racist remarks per episode free, so that's OK.
Coolio's deplorable 'you wouldn't knock that off?' comment to Ben about Michelle illustrated exactly what kind of man he is. I think Ben had been hero-worshipping Coolio up until then and it went a bit skewiff at that point. Michelle protested TOO much though; if there's nothing to go on, I'd just tell him where to stick it and leave it at that.
Terry's task backfired somewhat as all the people he chose said lovely things about him! Oops. He chose wisely I think. I think Ben will understand.

Documentary: Surviving Gazza

Which vulture do you hate the least? That's what it comes down to, isn't it.
Sheryl Gascoigne must have been certifiably insane to take him back. She only needs to look in a mirror to see what has become of a life with that man. She looks hard-faced and drawn, utterly joyless. What was her motivation for taking him back? What was any of their motivation for filming the whole fucking car crash?
He looks like he has a terminal illness; which really, he does. A self-inflicted one.
How funny that Gazza's son hates football. He probably just hates it because he hates his father.
I can't stand drunks; and I remember very well the pictures of Sheryl after he beat the shit out of her. He never deserved a second chance under any circumstances, years later or otherwise.
It was gross to see the way he treated his children. Sheryl was irresponsible even having him in the house, in my opinion, it's too damaging on everyone's psyche. She should not have let him back into her life, she's living in fairlyland if she thinks he'll ever change. I was totally on the youngest kid's side; he had absolutely washed his hands of him and he was absolutely right. Gazza doesn't give a fuck about them, so why waste your energy?
Dear God, let me never find myself sobbing watching my wedding video. Portentious words spoken by Gazza; 'I'm very proud of her for having the guts to marry me, she must be mad.' Quite.
How many times are you going to let someone punch you, let you down, hang up on you? It's sad to be a victim. It's sad he's made his family that. But really; they should have cut their losses long before. I don't believe 'blood is thicker than water'. If people treat you like shit; fuck them. You don't owe anyone anything because you share a last name. It's not right to terrorise your family. The drama just gets tiring after a while. Sheryl is on a guilt trip but she's going to fuck her kids up in the process, especially the little one, because he'll lose respect for her in the end as well.
Her kids should have been more supportive when she finally said enough is enough. If that was my mum I would have begged her never to contact him again. What about HER mental health? He's just a selfish drunk fuck. The problem with people like Gazza (and George Best before him) is that everywhere they go there's some moronic football fan ready to kiss their arse and buy them a drink. But that's still no excuse.
I can't believe the kid rang him up and he went 'who?' Fucking hell. I would have no more gone to Portugal for that intervention than I would have gone on holiday to Afghanistan. And that kid should have been kept out of it entirely. Experiences like that leave their mark.
Let him drink himself to death- just like Best. I'm not sorry. He had everything. The man is an idiot. Fuck him.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I have got a great arse

Ulrika feels like 'a man in drag' and Tina has a 'great arse and a great fanny.' Have I stepped into a parallel universe? What sort of person declares they have a great arse? You'd better be a fucking supermodel if you're going to come out with that shit. 'A body from Baywatch and a face from Crimewatch' isn't funny either. I hate people who quote insipid rubbish like that.

Oddly, I've kind of warmed to La Toya. She seems more genuinely naive than her brother who was on it; often I felt like he was biting his tongue whereas she seems more plausabily innocent.

Mutya's not saying much, is she? The hatred in Terry's eyes for Coolio (who had a threesome when he was 12) was pretty clear. I'd be amazed if he didn't put him up. The only reason Tina hates Coolio is because he's as self-centred as she is, and he takes the focus off her.

Grotbags does look like the thing from Shrek, except the thing from Shrek is more attractive. Haha, and she knew all the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise. Tragic.

I liked Ulrika's speech. She has the courage of her convictions; and that's admirable. Men have children left, right and centre (and leave them with their various mothers to bring up) and no one bats an eyelid, she's a target purely because she has a fanny.

Mutya sounded flat, but not as flat as Michelle Heaton. She made Chantelle seem like a legitimate girl band member. I could sing better than that. La Toya added to the feel of someone's sister singing into a hairbrush. The A5 fella was beyond parody. Lucy should have just got her boobs out rather than bored us with her kind of, views on politics, kind of. Zzzz. Get rid of her, Terry. Tommy shouty-man was also mega annoying. Be good to get rid of him too, sooner rather than later.

Ah, Terry nominated Lucy. Fair enough I suppose; having boobs isn't really a talent so much as a direct consequence of being female. So will go out of her and Ulrika-ka-ka? Both 'sex-positive' women, so I'm sure both will be equally hated by the throng. And in the meantime, Coolio goes on boasting about his conquests and no one says a word, because hey, that's his birthright.

Sigh.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I'll wash my nuts in the sink

Yes, finally something to write about!
Urgh; well I was right about Tina, wasn't I? Talking about her fee; crass! What is Terry only got 30K after she said that was a pittance? How uncouth. Talking about her weight; zzz! She's 'anti-fat'? She don't look it. She lost 4 stone already? Shiiiiit. Calling herself a bird; pathetic! I hope she doesn't drag Terry Christian down with her. Even her own daughter said on BBLB she hoped that her mum would 'bite her tongue'.
Could there be a least useful housemate than Tommy? Like Brian Paddick in I'm a Celeb... he sucks the fun out of any given situation. Humour-voids r us. Watching him letch over Lucy wasn't great either.
Haha, Terry saying Coolio had a nightmare about the sales of his last album. Ulrika doesn't seem to like Coolio too much. I'm not sure if I do either.
Tina. 'You give out what you get back.' Oh, the old karma argument. How I love it. I guess Maddy Mcann's parents must have been some school bullies, hey? You dumbasses! Life is a series of random events which may end one day with you being splattered over a pavement, or splattered into a car window, or if you're really lucky, with the death of everyone you've ever known before the gradual rotting of all your bodily organs, including your FACE. So go shove your karma up your fucking arse with the fairies, and the ghosts, and God, and all of those fairytales that keep you warm at night. (soz, I'm in a bad mood; I've got tonsillitis again and spent half the day in casualty- poor me!)
Did Tina mention she'd lost weight? Did she mention she's doing alright for money now? Her and La Toya seemed like they were having a competition about who was the hardest done by, but neither of them were listening to a word the other was saying. So you both married abusive bastards? Did the karma fairy dish out those love matches for you? As a feminist I felt weirdly unmoved. I'll blame it on the Nurofen.
Tina ass-licking La Toya about Michael was as pathetic as it was transparent. I think (hope) Terry is onto her and won't let the Northern comraderie distort his vision. Her swearing is really too much as well; I know I like a bit of it, (in an artistic context- ha!) but I wouldn't f-and-blind in front of La Toya Jackson, because she seems too demure.
Interesting Terry put Ulrika up; I bet the producers are shitting themselves about that one. What is his motivation? I think he finds her a bit stand-offish. Maybe he sees her as competition? Maybe he heard about her pay packet for BB? I will leave my options open on that one.
If I had a choice between the FA Cup and hot water, I'd pick the FA Cup and I hate football, just cos it's something to do. You can wash in cold water! I frequently do in my flat. It's like a lucky dip if I get a hot bath or not. Why does that 'fat bird' (her words not mine) consider her shower so important? She physically repulsive anyway, and it's all to do with her manner, not her body size. Mmm, nice fag stash. Cough cough.
Ulrika's face looks a bit puffy. Why is she always wearing that coat? She was wearing a coat and scarf in bed last night. Oh dear; she might be cracking up already. Not a good sign. Bit disappointed that she's moaning already.
I liked Verne educating Coolio on Cockney rhyming slang. Hold up, what's a spooge? I need educating in reverse. He looked cute on the diary room chair. He seems quite pensive. I wonder what he thinks to everyone?
And that concludes my third blog of the day. I should be bed-ridden more often.