Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Butt plugs with horse-tails

I watched a good chunk of the live feed last night and I thought it was fascinating seeing how up on his history Terry Christian was. He held court really comfortably. I was envious of how knowledgable he appeared; I'd kill to know that much about any given subject. I think intelligence is so attractive in people, It excites me if someone uses an impressively long word in the right context. I saw a different side to Coolio; he's rough around the edges but he wants to learn about the world, and that's no bad thing. No doubt he will be portrayed in the same dogged light in the highlights though. And he does himself no favours, let's be honest.
Good to see Mutya lose it a bit tonight; sulking and demanding her 'oinkment'. She's been too quiet so far.
Surprise surprise Tina 'can I just say something' Malone was taking over the shopping list, basically snatching the peanut butter out of Verne's little hands. What's with the hot water obsession, too? Just boil a fucking kettle, you old bag. Her muttering under her breath at Coolio is utterly pathetic; say it to his FACE! You don't DARE. You are all bluff and bluster and NO FUCKING BALLS. Nice try with the false lashes; you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig, right, Obama?
I was shocked when scunt-wearer extraordinaire Ben Adams mentioned butt plugs with horse-tails on. Is he gonna whip out his gimp mask later and give Heaton a glood flogging? (Urgh! Apologies for that image)
Was Ulrika pretending to cry? I couldn't work that out. It was a bit selfish to steal the limelight like that as Lucy got the heave-ho and moaning cos she didn't get kicked out; people spent money kicking Lucy out to save you. I can't stand people harping on about wanting to leave; it's so boring. Stop making it hard for me to defend you, woman! I thought Coolio dealt with her quite nicely.
No sign of the late night chat in the highlights; it doesn't give me much hope of having well-rounded housemates in there in the summer. Obviously arguments about the shopping list are WAY more exciting than Terry Christian's views on slavery and Coolio's plans to make Terry a star in the US and get him a doctorate from Princeton (just on the basis he's watching a lot of the History channel). Boo.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: What a twat

A word on yesterdays show; Is Compton posh? Hehe. I thought Endless Love was very funny, it made me cry with laughter but I think they will hammer it too much now. I was also impressed with the way Lucy stood up to Cuntio who is looking increasingly erratic. I wouldn't last five seconds in there with him. If he tried to 'test my limits' I'd nut the idiot. 'What a twat' is right.
Tonights show; it goes without saying, but Davina is more insufferable than ever. I used to be able to just about bear her, but she seems more inane and condesending as the years go on, clinging to the wreck of the limping show harder than Coolio clinging to Gangsta's Paradise and his patchy, balding cornrows.
Tonight Tina used those immortal words 'I'm not being funny, but...' Still waiting for her to say; 'I'm the kind of person who...', 'fookin' fat bird' and 'I've got a great arse/ fanny/ brain the size of Jupiter.' For such a mouthy 'bird' she sure keeps her trap shut when Coolio starts his wind-up machine. Annoying everyone into leaving is an interesting strategy, and one I've not seen before. I think Coolio is modelling himself on Science circa BB 2004/5? Luckily they aren't arguing so much about food... yet. But I'm sure it'll happen, I can't see La Toya living happily on a quid a day.
Why is Coolio allowed to sexually harrass people in there? That is totally out of order. You think Big Brother would be onto that kind of stuff this year, but clearly harrassment of women isn't a priority for them. I bet you a million pounds right now that he gets booted out of there for something; either punching someone or touching someone the wrong way. Remember I told you!
La Toya needs some practise on the gossiping front. Hiding your mouth like that has the effect of making you look guilty as hell. PS. Friends can be nice.
So Lucy got the boot. She said 'Thank god and she was so happy'.' Yeah I bet. Ulrika seemed to stop crying when it was announced that she was safe. Come on Ulrika, earn your cash.
The interview: Davina was behaving like a dirty old man, berating Lucy for not getting her tits out; it's not like an obligation. Why should she? And then saying 'you basically got chucked out for that.' Nice. Girl power!
I was sickened by Davina saying 'he doesn't really mean it' when Coolio said he was going to elbow Lucy in the face. The point is, he shouldn't be allowed to SAY THAT. You shouldn't be allowed to threaten people or make comments about beating women. Don't make excuses for him.
Davina: 'I want to take Verne home and put him in my pocket.' He's a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN, you patronising prat. Think before you speak, for god's sake. She really should put her brain into gear before she opens her gob.
Will someone take on Cuntio now Lucy's gone? Tina, stand up and show us what you're made of.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ready for a go

Christ, Heaton looked a little ropey without her slap on. She laboured that point about Ben once AGAIN, Coolio said sorry; what more does she want?
Coolio said Tina looked 'hot and ready for a go.' Charming as ever. Tina says, 'A lot of women need to be drunk to be able to fuck without inhibitions.' Speak for yourself, love, not womankind. You seem utterly without inhibition anyway.
After my dietary brainwashing yesterday, it struck me today that Lucy Pinder looks like a young Claire Sweeney. I hope Ulrika stays over her, although she is coming off like a cold fish at the moment. I wish she'd be a bit warmer and funny, as I know she can be.
Terry was liking his king role a lot, but I think a lot of his schtick is tongue-in-cheek and no one really holds it against him. You can get away with a lot if you have a bit of cheeky Northern charm.
I guess Ben from A4 got revenge on the girl who rinsed him on a date by calling her out on TV. I can't bring myself to hate him; but he's really just a better-looking H from Steps, no? There's nothing really going on up there. He just looks like someone I might have gone to school with; I can't get too excited by it.
Latoya in a Jester costume was very, very sinister. I didn't like that at all. And it wasn't helped when she was mentioning ho's. Ho's!!! Does ho's have an apostrophe? I have no idea.
I can't believe Ulrika slapped Terry! How funny. I'm glad they didn't make a big deal of it.
Coolio seemed more bearable today in small doses.
Tommy worrying about being 'portrayed' a certain way with Michelle was pitiful verging on worrying. How does it 'look bad' to have a dance with someone? I'd be fairly comfortable with my boyfriend hugging, giving someone a peck, lying next to someone on their bed and so on. If you are trustworthy; you can't be 'portrayed' a certain way. Because you have integrity. Ah, I see, that's the problem.; they have none.
Ooh did I see a crack in the Ulrika mask during the task? She looked upset. Tina didn't look too fookin' happy either. The reason Terry gave Ulrika for nominating her was lame. He should have just said he was jealous of the money; that was the truth, I believe that now. He made himself look a little silly there.
The fact Tommy brought that thing up again was just him trying to get attention and be sexually threatening when Michelle just sees him as a silly old man. And why was he putting on rubber gloves at the time? The mind boggles. Whichever way you dress it up; he's a creep.
Ulrika; it's kind of boring to hear you're just there to do a job and you're not going to give us any more of yourself. And maybe people WILL keep you in, just to make you suffer. Because we're accommodating like that.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: 2nd Live Show

I can't bear to hear Coolio talking anymore. I can't stick him. Michelle was over-reacting but Coolio is very childish and confrontational. It's weird to hear Michelle Heaton described as 'shy' and not 'drunk' or 'orange'.
It was a bit unfair during the task that Terry didn't get to clarify. It made him look a right chump. I'm not surprised everyone saved puppy-dog Ben. He does seem very NICE. *shudder*
I thought this show was a big let down personally; it wasn't particularly tense. What was the point of Davina even doing it? They should have hoofed someone out immediately.
So that was it.
PS: It suddenly struck me that Mutya looks kind of sexy with all her tattoos and stuff. Is that wrong?

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: 1st Live Show

Oh fucking hell. Tina. Shut up. Stop going on about how 'fookin' good you are in bed, or how you're 'fookin' this or that. I don't want to KNOW. Here's what you are; an obnoxious, loud, arrogant, unpleasant foghorn of a person. You're the kind of person who goes 'no, that's not the kind of person I am' when the evidence of your petty existence is laid out in front of you as if it were a mirror. Do people actually LIKE her? Who? Why? Also, I'm of the entirely medical opinion that if you're going to smoke, you damn well better eat healthy, and if you eat crap all the time (like me) you'd better not smoke. Otherwise you're just a heart attack in waiting. But far be it from me to stop you, love. Wanna light?
Did you get the feeling Terry had to do 3 nominations because Big Brother didn't like his first two? Because I did! The integrity thing was a bit mean; I felt a bit sorry for Terry. I wish he'd put Coolio up.
Big brother translation corner: 'he is a big character' equals 'he's an arsehole.' Against all my previous convictions I'm actually liking Michelle Heaton. I used to absolutely despise her when she wrote that fucking awful column in OK, it used to make my blood boil. But I guess it wasn't her fault she just took the cash. I just don't have the energy to feel angry with her at the moment.
Verne talked very eloquently about Heath Ledger, it was quite moving. La Toya's tale seemed more like a tale, even though I know a lot of it is true. Are you glad you asked, A3 dude?
I liked the fact that the task where they pretended to be each other just enabled them to rip the shit out of each other and be dead sexist. I was wondering if the Coolio orangutan comment was racist, but my boyfriend assured me as a midget Verne gets 2 racist remarks per episode free, so that's OK.
Coolio's deplorable 'you wouldn't knock that off?' comment to Ben about Michelle illustrated exactly what kind of man he is. I think Ben had been hero-worshipping Coolio up until then and it went a bit skewiff at that point. Michelle protested TOO much though; if there's nothing to go on, I'd just tell him where to stick it and leave it at that.
Terry's task backfired somewhat as all the people he chose said lovely things about him! Oops. He chose wisely I think. I think Ben will understand.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I have got a great arse

Ulrika feels like 'a man in drag' and Tina has a 'great arse and a great fanny.' Have I stepped into a parallel universe? What sort of person declares they have a great arse? You'd better be a fucking supermodel if you're going to come out with that shit. 'A body from Baywatch and a face from Crimewatch' isn't funny either. I hate people who quote insipid rubbish like that.

Oddly, I've kind of warmed to La Toya. She seems more genuinely naive than her brother who was on it; often I felt like he was biting his tongue whereas she seems more plausabily innocent.

Mutya's not saying much, is she? The hatred in Terry's eyes for Coolio (who had a threesome when he was 12) was pretty clear. I'd be amazed if he didn't put him up. The only reason Tina hates Coolio is because he's as self-centred as she is, and he takes the focus off her.

Grotbags does look like the thing from Shrek, except the thing from Shrek is more attractive. Haha, and she knew all the lyrics to Gangsta's Paradise. Tragic.

I liked Ulrika's speech. She has the courage of her convictions; and that's admirable. Men have children left, right and centre (and leave them with their various mothers to bring up) and no one bats an eyelid, she's a target purely because she has a fanny.

Mutya sounded flat, but not as flat as Michelle Heaton. She made Chantelle seem like a legitimate girl band member. I could sing better than that. La Toya added to the feel of someone's sister singing into a hairbrush. The A5 fella was beyond parody. Lucy should have just got her boobs out rather than bored us with her kind of, views on politics, kind of. Zzzz. Get rid of her, Terry. Tommy shouty-man was also mega annoying. Be good to get rid of him too, sooner rather than later.

Ah, Terry nominated Lucy. Fair enough I suppose; having boobs isn't really a talent so much as a direct consequence of being female. So will go out of her and Ulrika-ka-ka? Both 'sex-positive' women, so I'm sure both will be equally hated by the throng. And in the meantime, Coolio goes on boasting about his conquests and no one says a word, because hey, that's his birthright.

Sigh.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: I'll wash my nuts in the sink

Yes, finally something to write about!
Urgh; well I was right about Tina, wasn't I? Talking about her fee; crass! What is Terry only got 30K after she said that was a pittance? How uncouth. Talking about her weight; zzz! She's 'anti-fat'? She don't look it. She lost 4 stone already? Shiiiiit. Calling herself a bird; pathetic! I hope she doesn't drag Terry Christian down with her. Even her own daughter said on BBLB she hoped that her mum would 'bite her tongue'.
Could there be a least useful housemate than Tommy? Like Brian Paddick in I'm a Celeb... he sucks the fun out of any given situation. Humour-voids r us. Watching him letch over Lucy wasn't great either.
Haha, Terry saying Coolio had a nightmare about the sales of his last album. Ulrika doesn't seem to like Coolio too much. I'm not sure if I do either.
Tina. 'You give out what you get back.' Oh, the old karma argument. How I love it. I guess Maddy Mcann's parents must have been some school bullies, hey? You dumbasses! Life is a series of random events which may end one day with you being splattered over a pavement, or splattered into a car window, or if you're really lucky, with the death of everyone you've ever known before the gradual rotting of all your bodily organs, including your FACE. So go shove your karma up your fucking arse with the fairies, and the ghosts, and God, and all of those fairytales that keep you warm at night. (soz, I'm in a bad mood; I've got tonsillitis again and spent half the day in casualty- poor me!)
Did Tina mention she'd lost weight? Did she mention she's doing alright for money now? Her and La Toya seemed like they were having a competition about who was the hardest done by, but neither of them were listening to a word the other was saying. So you both married abusive bastards? Did the karma fairy dish out those love matches for you? As a feminist I felt weirdly unmoved. I'll blame it on the Nurofen.
Tina ass-licking La Toya about Michael was as pathetic as it was transparent. I think (hope) Terry is onto her and won't let the Northern comraderie distort his vision. Her swearing is really too much as well; I know I like a bit of it, (in an artistic context- ha!) but I wouldn't f-and-blind in front of La Toya Jackson, because she seems too demure.
Interesting Terry put Ulrika up; I bet the producers are shitting themselves about that one. What is his motivation? I think he finds her a bit stand-offish. Maybe he sees her as competition? Maybe he heard about her pay packet for BB? I will leave my options open on that one.
If I had a choice between the FA Cup and hot water, I'd pick the FA Cup and I hate football, just cos it's something to do. You can wash in cold water! I frequently do in my flat. It's like a lucky dip if I get a hot bath or not. Why does that 'fat bird' (her words not mine) consider her shower so important? She physically repulsive anyway, and it's all to do with her manner, not her body size. Mmm, nice fag stash. Cough cough.
Ulrika's face looks a bit puffy. Why is she always wearing that coat? She was wearing a coat and scarf in bed last night. Oh dear; she might be cracking up already. Not a good sign. Bit disappointed that she's moaning already.
I liked Verne educating Coolio on Cockney rhyming slang. Hold up, what's a spooge? I need educating in reverse. He looked cute on the diary room chair. He seems quite pensive. I wonder what he thinks to everyone?
And that concludes my third blog of the day. I should be bed-ridden more often.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: One arsehole in every group

May I nominate that woman from Shameless? She is doing my nut in and I've only heard her speak twice. VULGAR!
I liked Coolio saying to Verne; 'last time I saw you you were pissed at me.' and he hurt his hip! Intriguing. I reckon they'll come to blows at some point. There's history there.
I didn't like the way that Scottish guy looked at Ulrika when she came in; predatory.
Terry did well to be selfless and go without a bed as it made him head of house and got him his own room. Sweet. I definitely like him the best so far.
La Toya and her platitudes are absolutely teeth-grating. If life is that perfect; why did you deface your mug so much? You're lying! She seems a bit haunted. I can't see her snogging anyone.
Tommy calling Verne 'brother' (and boy!) has echoes of Mario/Mikey. Ulrika ill-advisedly comparing her back problem to Verne's dwarfism was a little... misjudged. Similarly, Terry Christian comparing his level of fame to La Toya's didn't quite go. I think she has problems he couldn't dream of.
All in all quite a slow start to the show; but I'm willing to give it time to cook. Hopefully by this time tomorrow there'll be a murder.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Launch Night

So it's back. Hurrah! Jade couldn't kill it with her mightly, ugly mouth. Davina wearing Pete Burns old coat. Davina's tour of the house; zzzz. Do we care about the tokens? No. Nice throws, though.
La Toya. That other Jackson dude was pretty dull so why would this one be any different? They are so desperate for publicity but have nothing to offer except funny noses and a creepy upbringing. I'd rather see some dumbass page 3 girl in there (which I'm sure will happen). Note: very grating laugh.
Mutya! I reckon she'll be alright. At least she has a personality. Leg tattoos! Why not? I wouldn't fuck with her.
Mini Me makes me feel a bit sick. Isn't he in a porno? He's my least favourite dwarf; I prefer the one in Bad Santa. Got a cheer just cos he's a midget! Special entrance! Aw. I've warmed to him already. Don't patronise him Davina, he's small, not stupid (well he could be stupid, I'll keep my options open).
Tommy. Scottish politician. PVC bondage gear. Only one of these things is interesting, and it's the one that's not true (allegedly). Lucy Pinder. Oh, the dumbass I spoke of. A tory page 3 girl! Double idiot. 2 a-levels?! I take it all back, the girl is a genius.
Why are they all obsessed with reading that card when they come in? Oh, so they don't have to talk to each other, right.
Next, Ben Adams from A5. I'd be more excited if they had a member of Bewitched in there. Curtained charisma void.
Tina from Shameless. Mentioned she was fat twice. Yeah, we can see you, you don't need to announce it. I don't watch it. I'm not that impressed with these celebrities so far. How long before someone describes her as bubbly? Bring on Ulrika-ka-ka-ka!
Next up was Coolio. He looks a bit rough. His eyeballs look a wee bit boggly. I hate to cast aspersions but I'd say there were a few drugs available in the Gangsta's Paradise. Weird mask/ condom type thing on his head.
Michelle Heaton! Everyone's least favourite Liberty X-er. Actually, she was more famous to me for trying to force her boyfriend to marry her via the pages of OK for about 3 years (even dressing up in wedding dresses, I seem to recall- subtle!) When she finally pushed him into it; it lasted about ten minutes. I think she'll be good value; she was knickerless and pissed on celebrity Come Dine With Me and that was a mere 60 minutes. She was the first interesting housemate since Mutya.
Terry Christian is alright. I always kind of liked him. I wonder what he's been doing all this time? He still looks quite young. What are they booing him for? Bring on the zombies to eat the chavs! I predict an early winner.
And finally, Ulrika-ka-ka-ka. Sven-shagger extraordinaire. My mum HATES Ulrika, cos she fancies John Leslie. I think John Leslie is a creepy cunt and I liked Ulrika from Shooting Stars days (that special was good the other night, wasn't it?) She looks kind of skinny and bloated-faced and weird in the clip, but good when she faced the crowd. I think she'll be OK.
And that's it. A crushing disappointment as always, but give it a day or two to settle, and there'll either be a race riot or a fist-fight, fingers crossed.