Big Brother 11: It's my lucky hat

BEDGATE! Ben looked befuddled when his bed tipped up. I wish my bed did that, it'd be handy in the morning.
OMG Ben to John James: 'you're a lovely person but you're so stupid.' His morning diatribe was the best. Eat that, John James. Suck it up, idiot box. I would like to have heard the whole hour of that argument.
Questions: Would you give up your personal items for tobacco? Would Dave give up his Bibley? And does Shabby have to always be such an arsehole?
Shabby telling other people to give up their stuff, but she's not giving up her hat? JESUS. She's such a dickwad.
Shabby looks bedraggled. She is projecting all over the shop. She has so little self-awareness it's mind-boggling. John James and Shabby: so misunderstood.
Shabby would rather give up her photos (ie. her FAMILY AND FRIENDS) than her hat. Oh, God.
Big Brother, I DARE YOU to burn the housemates items on a bonfire and show it on a big screen (including Shabby's family photos as she doesn't care about them anyway).
I'm glad Shabby is suffering over the stupid fucking hat, just like they made Sunshine suffer over the crisps.
They should KICK SHABBY OUT for the way she behaved in the 'nest'. That level of aggression is unacceptable. I would feel totally unnerved around her. 'Having a benny'- LOL. Bring back Nikki Grahame, at least she was an amusing spoilt little brat.
Shabby's lucky hat isn't working out so well for her, now, is it? She's fucking UNHINGED. Which family member's photo did she screw up?
I don't think I've seen someone make such a prick of themselves on Big Brother for years! It really is spectacular. I hope Keever watches back Shabby calling her a bitch and saying she was basically a tease.
Josie: 'whenever I feel a bit low, I always think of that woman who got her face ripped off by a chimpanzee'. I DARE you to say that to Shabby right now. I double dare you. Me and my best friend are always going on about that chimpanzee. The reason he did it was because the woman had had a haircut and he didn't recognise her! Haha. I recommend the 999 call. It's a horror show.
LOL to Ife coming out and celebrating the tobacco! Shabby soon crawled back round. Can you imagine the atmosphere Shabby is creating in there? She's a fucking MONSTER!
I liked the red herring about Shabby winning the task. Thank fuck she didn't. She needs to leave before she's fucking stretchered out.
Ooh Keever. Bad loser. Shabby was happy Keever was up. I fucking pray Shabby and Keever do go together, the nasty fucking pair. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Keever is probably desperate to leave and see her boyfriend.
Dave is SO insincere. He's not gutted in the slightest. Keever was rude to him, though.
I can see why Shabby is attached to that hat. Her hair is shit. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with my fringe looking like that. The answer is simple: wash it.
John James in a wheelchair? Shame no one's broken his legs.
'What have I done?' Shabby laments. Where to start? When John James is your best ally you know you're so far up shit street you're blocking the toilet.

Big Brother 11: The famine of intellectual nourishment

Shabby sleeps in the kohl! But not the bowler. Ife's slagging Shabby. But who can blame her?
Mario, quit with the Bennuendo. It's becoming painful. Ben ignores it beautifully.
Oh, Sunshine, rallying against the world. Stop justifying your lifestyle choices.
Nathan wants to be a porn star. Ben, hand him the razor; off with the body hair, starting with the monobrow. Who would want to attach a string to that fucking ape?
Why is Josie always clad solely in a towel? Why is she so down on herself? Are these two things connected? She doesn't 'make the best of herself' as my mum would say.
Ben wants a morsel from Nathan. I want Nathan to fuck off. Corin nominating Mario! Nooooooo. I've STILL not seen him strip. BB are censoring him!
Quite a mixed bag of nominations this week. Surprised Keever didn't go for Ben again.
IFE YOU MADE YOUR BED ABOUT THE CRISPS, STFU.
John James nominating Ben! What bullshit. Boo. Backstabber.
Josie. Tiresome. You're not nominating Sunshine over crisps, come on now. It's cos she's competition.
Ooh Mario using the word 'mercurial'. Fancy! Shabby, man. You're a donkey. Can't believe she didn't nominate Ben though. Steve voted for the right people!
Sunshine: ironically, the very definition of dour.
Mario believes in karma. No wonder Ben got bored of the conversation. Loved Ben's reaction!
Is Shabby telling Keever off for being nice to people? Fuck me, she's so pathetic. I was more mature at thirteen years old. Shabby's argument went like this: 'you're being too nice to people... you're being spiteful.' Well, which is it?
BAD atmosphere in that house today. Which equals good TV.
I like it when they give them non-alcoholic beer and don't tell them. It's mean but funny.
Oooooh John pulled out the 'love you like a sister' line. Mario is worse than Graham Norton for his crassness.
Aw, Steve needs to win to get some new legs. Don't put robo-Steve back in the cupboard.
John James on the Bible: 'how can you read that shit, it doesn't even make sense! I could have wrote it better than that.' They should put that on the back. That drunk thing really makes my skin crawl. 'High on the holy ghost' indeed. Get him out this week. He's a homophobe and a fantasist.
Don't antagonise the John James! You'll be in his firing line next. And you WON'T LIKE IT. He didn't come out of a lemon tree. Whatever that means.
PS. Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Now you wouldn't hear THAT come out of Ben's mouth.

Big Brother 11: Fraggle Cock

Looks like Big Brother spent a couple of quid on puppets. Should have spent a couple more on decent housemates. WTF is the Zig and Zag thing about? They are about as culturally relevant as Keith Lemon (and no doubt have the same agent).
Josie's got a good edit on her puppet, I think. Urgh, I'm so over the football thing now. Why is Mario's puppet still a mole?! Steve has a disabled puppet. Tasteful.
I like Sunshine's 'crappy dress'. Her puppet is ugly though. STOP SINGING GAGA.
I didn't like Steve fondling Corin's puppet boobs! SEEDY behaviour, haha.
John James's puppet looks more intelligent than him. I was laughing at the puppets, even though it was just one joke over and over. I want them to have a proper stand-up row. God, are they STILL going on about crispsvegangate?
They should have done Ben's puppet with his little cake shorts on. His bouffant is the wrong shade.
I'm looking forward to the Josie/Sunshine/Littlejohn love triangle coming to fruition. He's playing them both a good 'un. It's interesting that he's attracted to two women who are (physically only) a bit less attractive to him. I could see him being a feeder.
Shabby's a bin raider! Lush. Those Waitrose bins are fantastic, aren't they?
I like the fact Mario and Sunshine's discussion took place inside the wardrobe. You could have it off in there! Are they talking through the puppets in that wardrobe? We need an independent enquiry.
I was trying to think of a pun along the lines of 'Three Lions, a bitch and a wardrobe' for my title, but it was just too laboured. So I gave up.
So they can go in the pool and not use the puppets? You never really see them in the pool this year, do you? I'd be in there like a shot on a hot day.
I love the fact Ben, Shabby and Keever aren't watching the football! Even I would watch the football if I was in there. It's 90 minutes. I'd watch absolutely ANYTHING if I'd had no TV for a month. Still, respect. Haha, even more of them aren't watching it! Hilarious. Damn those lions.
I liked Ife trying to boost Josie's confidence. She shouldn't be made to feel bad about herself because she doesn't conform to some 'standard' of beauty. She is pretty.
Ben on blue eyeshadow: 'you associate it with girls in WHSmith.' What?! LOL.
Josie's crush on John James will be her undoing; and they are both in there long enough for it to unravel BADLY.
Mario and Ben having a squabble about UFOs! Silly.
Ben's barnet is DEFYING GRAVITY. Check out his dressing gown. I liked him asking Steve questions because it was his birthday, it was a nice touch. They all really respect Steve, you can just tell, and I don't think it's fake.
Seriously, is Ben slagging Mario off? Fucking hell, there's biting the hand that feeds you and ripping the fucker off. He can't HELP BITCHING. 'I thought there'd be more reception rooms'. WTF. Ben wants to do a jigsaw. I love it.
Footnote. I did 'Without Me' by Eminem on karaoke first up stone cold sober at a work do once. It was nothing short of heroic.

Big Brother 11: Penalty crisp-off

I saw Ben talking about Coronation Street on the live feed! He said he liked Janice. LOL. Bet he likes her horse fleece.
Oh, Dave, it's not the Lord that saved Govan. It's the Ben fans. Stompy Shabby.
This crisp thing is a total farce. Ife, you volunteered to go out and ask Sunshine! Now you're moaning about it. Moron. Keever and Shabby don't want you in their gang any more so stop sucking up.
Sunshine only likes crisps and bread. Sounds like me! Remember the bag of crisps the gave to greedy Mo once? It was like a BINBAG. *drool*
We don't like external disembodied hands appearing in the diary room! NO contact from the outside world. That included those encased in rubber gloves. Stop diluting the brand!
I can't stand the way Keever and Shabby are acting but Sunshine is such a martyr. I don't like either side, so it's hard to become emotionally invested.
Typical Shabby, trying to duck out of crispgate. I'm glad Sunshine stuck up for herself. Does Nathan ever say anything comprehensible? 'Spoilt bitch!' Nice. Thick cunt.
THEY ARE CALLED CRISPS NOT CHIPS, Nathan, you're not from fucking LA, you shaved chimp.
Argh, I wish they'd shut up about this now. LOL to BB giving them crisps for lunch.
Nathan. Typical football fan wanker. Can't wait to see him cry when we lose. This is the first time I've seen him animated about anything.
That German national anthem sounds like a right old din. That was funny when they sang the national anthem and it filmed them from underneath! Chin cam. Even John James was singing along.
That penalty shoot out looks hard! It was funny, though. Who's that host in Germany? Where's our host? They might be happy now, but they won't be when they watch it.
Shabby calling Keever a viper! OMG Keever grinning about the 'sexual tension' remark! She DOES lead Shabby on.
Nice shorts, Mario. Him and Ben are meant to be, shorts-wise.
I am always amazed out how touchy feely people are in that house, but particularly Dave, Ben, Mario and John James. They are ALL OVER each other. Honestly, I'd rather stab my friends in the eye than have physical contact with them. I'm totally frigid in that direction.
There doesn't seem to be strong mum and dad figure in the house this year. Steve is not really a daddy, in that he's quite laid back and doesn't impose himself on others. I like it better when someone isn't running the joint.
What is going on with John James and Josie? Who knows. But I suspect nothing. He seems as friendly with Sunshine as he is with her.
I watched this whole Shabby/Keever heart to heart on the live feed. I was fairly unmoved by it. It was quite funny when Dave popped up and they didn't know he was in the nest.
Shabby holding out the olive branch to Dave? Well, it is nominations tomorrow. Cynical, moi?

Big Brother 11: Absolute bloody bastards

Josie and Ife calling Ben sneaky right in front of Govan's face. Rude!
You don't see much of Steve but he just seems utterly normal (which makes him a bit of a boring housemate). He's very straight down the middle.
Sunshine is a bit gutsy for going round the world alone (and not just 'for a girl', as John said). I want to like Sunshine but she's just so humourless I find it difficult.
John James on politics: 'unless it's affecting me I couldn't care less'. He's the sort of person who's proud they've never read a book. It's not admirable to be ignorant (but it explains a lot). What a drongo.
Govan is not scared to face the outside world, he lies, his foot desperately tapping.
Human sponges task is not possible. It's just an excuse for Shabby and Keever to have cud. And they wonder why no one is supporting them doing the task. Because you've isolated yourself! Josie knew to do a dive bomb into the pool to get out the water but didn't bother telling them! Hehe.
Is Nathan growing a handlebar moustache? That's the most interesting thing he's done in the house.
Electrolytes angst. Don't use long words like that around John James, Sunshine. You'll short circuit his tiny mind.
I like crisps as much as the next person but Shabby, Nathan and Keever coveting them was just nasty. They (both BB and the other housemates) are victimising Sunshine over her diet.
THAT'S what I'm on about, Shabby. Bye bye Govan. Josie is acting like Govan had some sort of right to stay. The public decide, not you.
Monk weirdo! LOL. Shabby and Keever: you have fucked yourselves. Be as stupefied as you like. 'They're going to take us out one by one'- yes, exactly like you were planning to do to them, except there's safety in numbers, and you two were too stupid to work out that one plus one equals not enough.
Josie is getting on my wick, telling people what to do to 'look like a good person'. I'm on the side of the crisp sandwich eaters. Josie is being a cunt. I didn't realise what a nasty bitch you were. Ahh, it all makes sense now. It's because Sunshine was in bed with John James all afternoon. Hence the claws have come out. It's nothing to do with food. I'd shove that crisp sandwich up Keever's bum crack.
Love Ben's politician speech. He is 'humbled' by our support. Don't compare yourself to Margaret Thatcher, Ben! You aint out of the woods yet.

Big Brother 11: Wake me up before you Govan

Dave is really creepy. In reality, I'd like to see him go over Govan, but the momentum seems to be behind Govan and I want to save Ben.
If they cut off my hot water I just wouldn't have a shower. Simple.
Is this a highlight, Mario and Ben playing word association games? Dear lord.
Why are people so antagonistic towards vegans (and vegetarians?) Shouldn't it be meat eaters who have to justify themselves, not the other way around? I think people are so offended by people being ethical because it makes them feel guilty.
Mario is a sexy scientist. Uh oh, Ben's ducking out of the task. This doesn't bode well. I'd like to stick John James to that tape you use to catch flies and leave him there.
What IS this 'rock-ET' Shabby speaks of? That's not how they talk in Milton Keynes.
Govan sitting shit-stirring saying he'd vote out Ben or Mario. What would you vote out Mario for, I've never heard him say a bad word about anyone!
So John and Mario can both suck themselves off. Bollocks.
SHUT UP GOVAN. ARGH. Do any kind words ever leave his lips?
Corin's thicko act is so past its sell-by date it's going mouldy.
I agree with John James about Sunshine's name. If she likes it that much she should be proud to have it on her medical certificate. John James is just going on for no reason, though. But that's his only setting. He just needs one girl or other to antagonise.
Oh God, I'm really scared Ben is going to go. Please don't make it so. Dave WANTS to go! I wish he would.
Ben looks like he's BRICKING IT. Yes, Ben is safe.
EVERYONE in that room thought Ben was going. They look GUTTED! It should have been you, Shabby.
Govan MINCED down those stairs. I don't even hate Govan that much. But I love upsetting the house. Ben has been fucking pilloried this week. Fuck that house.
72% of the vote! Out of four! Cool, I think Ben is more popular than we thought.
'He's a bit stupid and he shitstirs' should be Govan's epitaph.
Govan looked rightly embarrassed when shown his bitch fest. I think he's actually alright, he's just a bit naughty. He should have just bitten the bullet and come out of the closet yesterday.
Interesting Govan said Big Brother was laughing at him in the diary room! LOL.
I thought Govan came off quite well in his interview, he seemed quite affable.
Oh god, why haven't they cut this awful bit at the end where people call in! It sucks.
Govan looks beleaguered. Aw, to Josie crying in the bathroom. I never even knew they were that close!
I wish they still showed them their best bits at the end, it's a really feel good thing that they've ruined. Amongst other things. Ben FTW.

Documentary: Kerry and Me

A documentary about Kerry Katona; well it can't be anything worse than what I saw on that MTV show. Even Jeremy Kyle would have turned his nose up. Come on, let's just pick, pick, pick at the carcass.
I like the Jon Ronson styling. Mrs Jon Ronson, without the gravitas. Urgh, Mark Croft. Please let me never lay eyes on him again.
Kerry Katona can resign; she simply needs to move to another country. Believe me, no one would be interested. Scratching, gurning. Good times.
He stitched her up, I'm sure of it. He's a nasty bastard. I'm really glad she escaped his grip.
LOL I like the Mark and Kerry commemorative plate that was in Heat magazine, we had a good guffaw at that at the time. Kerry's house is disgusting, inside and out. The furniture, the fixtures and fittings. It's all just really tasteless.
Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem can fuck off as well. They couldn't give a shit about those kids, or they wouldn't stay on the opposite side of the world.
Wouldn't one 'life coach' do if she's trying to save money? She's never read her own life story! Surely you'd remember it at least?
Looks like Kerry Katona got out of the marriage just before she had to strip off on top of a fruit machine.
If I was Kerry Katona I would look at my mother and be very, very afraid.
So she basically dumped Mark for her career. I don't blame her. She should have done it years before. He is scum.
Mark: 'never anything's been proven about me cheating.' That's not how an innocent person talks. An innocent person says, 'I didn't do anything.'
Poor kiddywinks. They don't even have those Iceland prawn rings to fall back on now. The cruel truth is, those kids look like council house kids, and that house is just one giant council house. And I don't say that from an air of superiority; we're all dragged up in one way or another.
Having said that, that section where they were getting the kids ready for school and they played music over the top, they were just basically calling them yokels. Lovely.
What's Mark going to do with his fruit machines now? Just add another K to the KK. That's about the level of good publicity they'll have.
I'm not surprised Kerry Katona dumped Mrs Ronson. She wasn't even getting paid for that! She's gonna be the new Jordan now. I don't blame her for moving away from that man, he's revolting.
Ha to Kerry coming out looking all chic and ignoring the crew. Still, the documentary wasn't that much of a hatchet job. I saw a lot worse on MTV. Generally, this show was grim. Not very good, and just the drubbings from the reality show floor. I feel dirty.

Big Brother 11: I'm not of a lego mind

Backwards day! That's apt, because half the house is backwards. Did they actually EAT a curry for breakfast? Vom.
God, tasks are so dull, even backwards. What's the point, they know they passed anyway.
A lot of them seem to quite like Sunshine, but I'm not sure why. Maybe she's like a little sister type. They can pull her pigtails.
Josie; 'Mario's getting better looking by the day'. I agree. I liked her seagull story! She's got a good way of telling a story. Seagulls are a menace.
Ben is SO camp. He's such good value, I'd be gutted if he left. How does John James know about Tescos? Do they have one down Yabbie Creek?
Why is John James being all sensitive and caring with Sunshine. It's making me uneasy!
Oh, Dave. You're really boring. Even your controversy is tedious.
Wow, this lot really talk about nominations a LOT. Keever is getting on my wick now. She's just like a big pasty giggling snoozefest.
Oh god, we're onto best mate and SECOND best mate bullshit with Shabby now. Pathetic. This is tragic.
Why isn't equality for all possible? Because people like Ben exist. It's easy to believe in 'an elite' managing things when you are one of the elite. John raised a very good question 'so do you believe there should be a top dog in the house?' and Ben admitted not. Like, there goes your theory. John plays on being stupid a bit, and it works quite well for him.
Did Ben say he wasn't of a 'lego mind'?
I'm glad they're getting bollocked for discussing nominations. I'm getting sick of it.
Nathan seems like a wholly unpleasant individual, with allegiances to no one but himself. Is he going to tell Steve not to bitch? Is he FUCK.
Shabby's going to stay silent all day long. I'd sponsor that.
Ben is CONSTANTLY apologising! No wonder he wants that society with him in charge. He's not playing games any more than anyone else. Why aren't they ripping it out of Shabby or Govan?
My boyfriend just said 'John James basically has his own set of rules that don't apply to anything or anyone else in the world' and they don't apply to him either. Mentalz.
I can see Ben being a politician. I love the fact he wants to keep the hot water thing to himself. Normally they're so desperate to take the rap and seem whiter than white.
Ife is separating herself from Keever and Shabby. Shabby and Keever are crazy to isolate themselves to a group of two; it's so easy to nominate a group of two. Don't they understand how Big Brother works?
I liked the end when they woke them all up. Heh. SAVE BEN!

Big Brother 11: Monkeys are hideous

Aw, Mario liked the new side to Shabby. That's the IMAGINARY side that Big Brother forced her into. I like that imaginary side of her, too.
Nice to see Keever talking to Mario when Shabby's back's turned.
What has Nathan got going for him except that monobrow?
I liked the Tree's pronunciation of Keever's name. You can't call the tree of temptation 'gross'. BEWARE THE TREE. Shabby had a severe sense of humour failure.
Mario is trying to outrun death! Good luck with that.
Shabby stop hating on the tree! I'd swap you for the tree any fucking day.
How can Ben call monkeys hideous! 'They're like ill-trained people.' Send them to finishing school. Sunshine is pro-monkey.
Keever was wearing that t-shirt yesterday. Mario is looking kinda cute today. Sunshine is really fucking irritating.
Keever's punishment wasn't that bad, and she was eating something. It's not as bad as when they made Basshunter listen to his own song seven thousand times whilst filing Lady Sovereign away in a drawer. I could listen to Ben talk all day long. Well, half a day. I don't think Keever understands the meaning of the word 'punishment'.
They've nicked this 'getting yourself off the nomination hook' thing right off of BBUSA. (Or 'the power of veto, as they call it) I kinda like it though.
Ooh Shabby pushed a table over! It's like Brian Molko at the Kerrang awards all over again. RAWKNROLL. Shouldn't she get in trouble for that? B.E. A.G.G.R.E.S.S.I.V.E.
Keever is going to come out of that task room and kill Ben with her BARE HANDS. I don't think she can take a joke.
GOVAN AND SHABBY DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS! Big Brother; do you need your ears and eyes syringing? This is bullshit.
This task is chav-friendly! Posh people don't know how to use a scooter! What hope does Ben have? Dramatic scenes!
This is a FUCKING DISASTER that Shabby won! A DISASTER. ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH. I knew this already in fact I read on digital spy that Shabby OWNS A SCOOTER. This is bollocks. I don't want to put up with another week of her DRIVEL! I AM SICK OF THE SIGHT OF HER. Having said that, I was sick of the sight of her from the first second I clapped eyes on her.
BEHOLD MARIO'S RAGE! Listen to his sub irish/american accent. You won't like him when he's mildly narked. Aw, it's sad seeing him cry. My Shabby hate is unbridled.
Keever's punishment was limp. They should have booted her out on the ear.
They are discussing nominations. AGAIN.
Nathan is the Vinnie Jones of this year, I see. LOL to Ife saying she was bored of the conversations with Shabby and Keever. My respect for her just went up by at least 10%.
Ife, tell Shabby she's a spoilt little cunt. You could win the show. I don't think Ife is used to confrontation. And that's fair enough. She was brave to separate herself from that a bit.
Govan, you're your OWN traitor in the midst. You hung yourself, chicken. Being in love is EXACTLY about losing any sense of right and wrong, Govan. I hope you discover that one day, when you learn to accept yourself (for heaven's sake).
Tales from high society, by Ben. Apparently Gloria Hunniford is 'just as good' as Joan Collins. God, does Sunshine EVER shut up about Lady Gaga?
Dave is drunk on LOVE! Funny that, because everyone hates him.
VOTE GOVAN OUT. If Ben goes, Exitainment productions could go into administration.

Big Brother 11: 'What fucking hope have we got?'

I watched yesterday's live feed (well, a soupçon) and John did apologise to him, not that they showed it. Ben is really getting his knickers in a twist. Did Mario once have a personality? Where did it go? I think he left it in the mole hole.
HOLD ON. John would do pants adverts when he leaves? 'You've got to take any opportunity'... didn't Rachael say the EXACT SAME THING and got bellowed into eviction? The hypocrisy is startling.
No shit John James has got low self-esteem. Aw, he got picked on by mean girls at school. I'm going to start calling him Little-John, which works as two separate insults in one. Josie looked pleased with herself; like she'd cracked the rubix-cube enigma of John.
Ooh noms and I don't know who's up. It's gotta be Ben. He's in serious trubs this week. I'm surprised they even let him vote he's been talking so much shit about nominations. I've not seen Mario streaking! I'd like to.
Surely Ben, Govan and Shabby up? They're the biggest shitstirrers in the house. Ben vs Shabby would be sweet.
Nathan nominated Sunshine for being a vegan. Mean. And Ben for being posh, let's be honest.
Sunshine might as well have thrown her votes into the fire.
NO NOMINATIONS FOR JOHN JAMES! Not one! He can literally do whatever he pleases and no one minds. Aw, it's just little John, throwing his toys out of the pram. NO HE IS A PSYCHO.
LOL at the tree calling her Scabby. Ha, that's a brilliant task making Shabby suck up to Ben. So she's going to sell out her principles, yeah? Anarchy. What a bell-end.
Poor Ben giving it the 'woe is me' speech in the face of Shabby's bullshit. Ha, Shabby doing the thousand-yard stare whilst Ben goes on and on. Classic. Ben being led up the garden path... still, this could help his cause.
Smoking is more important than being a vegan! Haha. Priorities.
Poor BEN! He's a sweetie really. Do you think Shabby was counting to 60 when she was doing that hug?
I love the fact that one of Shabby's compliments to Ben was that Ben 'was an excellent dick'. She actually did really well on the compliment front. Not being able to admit that will KILL HER. And Keever is pleased with Shabby for making the effort with Ben! Delicious taskage.
Wow that dinner date was really awkward at first! Poor Keever. Poor Keever's boyfriend. Poor us having to watch it. Is Keever pissed now and succumbing to Shabby's charms? Goodness. I reckon I would twig after that that Shabby had been acting all day. Or is Shabby's personality so superficial that they would buy she would just turn like that?
Garlic tiger prawns and coffee cheese cake. Excuse me whilst I vomit into my satchel.
Cry, Shabby, cry into your bowler hat. I want to see her eyeliner run.
God, Keever sounds so Irish when she's drunk! I kind of agree with Shabby that I think Keever IS interested now. Weird tension. Interesting.
Shabby: 'Lesbians have feelings too'! Keever isn't straight though, she's bi. I think Keever is trying to be kind, if anything. I hope she's not keeping her options open. Surely not?
Shabby's in shit with the tree! That end bit was funny. She's in trubs. There's only one thing for it; send Shabby home. Or Dave. Or Govan. Just not Ben.

Big Brother 11: Crisps come from an animal

I realised today that I'm not actually digging this big brother either. There's none of the personalities of last year (Freddie, Marcus) and too many non-entities. Nathan, Ife, Dave, Steve; would you notice if they evaporated over night? The only think I saw of any interest on live feed was when Steve announced what his kids were called: Pinky Precious (sounds like one of jordan's), Tiger, Chico and Ike. Sweet.
Govan wants to leave. There's the door, m'dear. He's gone into a hole made of his own bullshit. Aw, he's too scared to admit he's gay. Just admit it, we might like you more and stop seeing you as just a little tittle-tattle.
I can't decide who's haircut I like more, Govan's or Ife's. There's only one way to find out. FIGHT! Hmm, if that's as good as the jokes are getting, might as well quit whilst we're ahead.
Here's my names for the groups: 'the misogynist pricks', 'the boring cunts' and 'the thick wankers.' The only people I barely like are Ben, Mario, Corin and Josie and the latter three are fundamentally boring.
Crisps come from an animal? Quick, someone tell Morrissey.
Beware anyone who starts a sentence with 'I'm the type of person..' They're right up there with 'I'm not being funny, but..'
Govan fears the 'black community'. Don't worry, the white community hates you too. And the orange community. I actually felt for him a little then; he's so in denial. Let's be honest, no straight person is ever ambiguous about their sexuality. It's as simple as that. That was the most 'real' he'd seemed the whole time, he seemed almost human.
It's funny that during that whole conversation that Govan forgot Corin was in a same-sex relationship. She's a very straight-forward person. I think you'd appreciate having her in the house as a friendly ear.
Oh is Josie next in the firing line for John James' small dick complex? You know where the door is too, JJ. Just keep digging and eventually you'll end up in Australia, I saw it in a cartoon.
Can John James escape nomination this week? Rex survived by whipping up a reign of terror. Is the house pushing his buttons? It's not his fault, the house was asking for it.
JOSIE FTW. SHUT UP. Exactly! What is he even going on about anyway? Jog on! Lol. She's probably your best friend in the house. Fake packing of bags is so lame, but we've all done it.
Aw he's got a headache, poor little lamb. TWAT. TWAT. TWAT. I wish one of the blokes in that house would stand up and tell him he's out of order, because he doesn't listen to women. Come on Nathan, show us what a man you are.
Thank God for Josie! He was cracking when she said she wouldn't stand for it, he visibly blanched. He didn't know how to deal with it when someone stood up to him. That's all it takes, girls! That's all it takes to stick one to little nasty men like that, just stand up and say 'that's not OK'. I wish women knew that; you don't have to stand for that shit, you don't have to pussyfoot round people like that. Just say no and they are deflated.
Aw and now he's crying like a little bitch. What a fucking baby. Bullying didn't work, so he crumbled. Not since Nasty Nick bawled under the covers has someone else's misery filled me with such joy. He is so transparent. Argh! Rage.
Ugh I really don't want to think about Shabby cracking one off, if that's even physically possible.
Ben is treading a fine line with the nomination talk; he's lording it over Mario like some evil king. He's making his enemies too obvious. Sausage roll gate! Formal dinners and functions! Normal rules don't apply when jelly is served, apparently.
Nathan's one line for the night: 'I was a bit scared' when Shabby went 'boo'. I hope those 70 people who didn't get in are impressed with that. It's more than Ife got tonight.
Shabby has such an ANNOYING turn of phrase. Ooh, see Keever getting jealous at the thought of Sunshine's boobies.
John James is a hoodie menace! EJECT him. Pack up your old kit bag and skidaddle. Another argument and I don't have a CLUE what's going on. Good editing.
Eek I don't like the plotting against Ben! Ben could go if he's up and I wouldn't like that. That was Govan and John plotting, not anyone else. John has dropped Ben in it.
Shabby vs Ben! Ding ding! Ben DOES hate Shabby. But she is a total wanker. It's funny when people go 'you're 30 years old!' as if you're different at 24 to 30, like you're suddenly an adult. Dur.
Aw, Mario trying to save Ben's skin. Cute.
John you have fucked up more than once today. OMG, Shabby is such an arsehole. John is being super quiet right now.
Shabby you're such a boring cliche, you sicken me. Ben is a shitstirrer, but so what, at least he's interesting.
Ben didn't look weak and pathetic. Shabby looked pathetic. The Dave, Mario, Ben love-triangle is mildly disturbing.
Housemates! Here's a tip: try not to have arguments just before nominations. You might survive longer.

Big Brother 11: Corin-ocho flow

Hmm, 15 minutes in and I've not written a word. That's not a good sign. We don't even have John James's psychotic Rachael baiting to suffer through any more. Ugh; I can't believe Dave is getting away with that Bible shit. Rubbish. Pest control? He's a fucking pest. God is so much fun! Yeah, fire and brimstone... LOL. Ooh, Nathan speaks. Seriously, what is the point in him?
I don't like them getting to watch bits of BBLB. Haven't they suffered enough? This candle task is dull as fuck.
Ben is like a cut-price Richard Kay. I don't like these weird people being in the diary room. They are supposed to be cut off from the outside world. Dur.
Josie: 'do your friend put their car keys in a fruit bowl?' What programmes has she been watching?! Ben: 'No, I don't have a car.'
No wonder John James is so angry, he's probably still grieving. Still, no need to be such a tool about it.
Shabby is being an idiot about this Keever thing. Keever is in a happy relationship. Shabby has no right to put her on the spot like that, she should just accept the way things are. I don't want to think about Shabby on heat.
Good advert for Steve's wheelchair basketball club.
They seems a bit young for singing the Raggydolls theme tune, it's more my era.
Aw, I liked seeing them all happy dancing to Erasure.
Keever and Shabby extolling their obscure record collections. The Knife? It's not exactly Anal Cunt, is it. Shabby's music taste was too obscure to play into the house, so she picked something more popular. What a hero.
Keever: 'we're like sisters'. Yeah, scissor sisters. Ah, this is proper cringe! I could just die right now. It's like 'it's not you, it's me' all over again. This is proper embarrassing. Awkward.
Keever knows exactly what's going on, I think. It was good of her to say nothing would change. I wouldn't sleep in a bed with someone who fancied me, it's too weird, and cruel on Shabby, really.

Big Brother 11: Get someone out

Ooh a little tipsy so forgive me for my bad spelling/ misguided loyalties.
Steve is a dullard! He doesn't interest me in the slightest. Shabby is such a dickwad. I hate the fact she thinks she's popular. She's as popular as herpes. She is so Milton Keynes. A boring cunt trying to be different.
Steve's computer knee is on the blink. He needs to charge it up! Try Duracell.
Josie: 'you've got a lot of respect for women'. to John James. Riiiiiight.
Nathan's one line for tonight: 'I'll sleep with anyone, me.'
VUVUZELA. If you like the world cup, I hate you.
Ben needs to watch himself, he's rubbing the laydeez up the wrong way. Sunshine is being a little rat. Po-faced. Ben's apology was completely disingenuous. But I don't blame him. I wish Sunshine OR Shabby had gone over Rachael.
Aw, poor John James, he's so pig thick he thinks Ben and Sunshine are geniuses.
Did Shabby just say you can't experience real emotions in the real world, just in the Big Brother house?
Is Ben really straightening that mop? I can't wait to see what it looks like after a few weeks, especially now they've kicked out the one hairdresser in there. (If he doesn't get the booty)
Rachael didn't get badly booed. Get someone out! Bullshit. Why would anyone chant that? Come on! Sunshine aint that dense.
Mario's shirt is cool! God, Sunshine demands SO much attention. It's desperate.
Can Corin get any brighter? She's virtually glowing.
Wow, tonight was a really boring episode. And I was drunk.

Big Brother 11: Psst! Eviction (Like blogging a shipwreck)

The BB house looks good all lit up like that. Why do we have to have a constant recap? It's like we've got collective amnesia. I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ONE WEEK AGO. Thanks BB.
The most vicious animal on the planet is a shetland pony! I think I'll take my chances with that over a grizzly bear. Hermaphrodite hens! Horses watching TV! Josie is like Chris Packham with a tan. She just made me laugh three times in a row. Not bad.
25 minutes in and there's been THREE adverts. Stop telling me what's coming up and just let me watch something, FFS.
I'd like to chuck rubbish over John James. It's PATHETIC that Racheal still fancies him after the way he's behaved towards her. She must have serious daddy issues.
Ife is a thicko! I bet John James knows all about Skippy the bush kangaroo, the dag.
This is the fourth advert in 34 minutes. There's been an advert every six minutes. Glad I'm not watching live.
John always seems to pick on Fiancee when she's washing her hair or just gone to bed, so she looks a bit minky. WHY IS HE SHOUTING AT HER ALL THE TIME! God, I'd certainly like to date John James and be verbally abused by him. What a catch! I notice they only show her crying after the phonelines close.
Why won't someone stand up to him? Why won't someone say 'you're not being fair'? How can anyone's tactic be to fence-sit in there? The heroes of the house are always the ones who stand up for what's right. Have they never watched this show? Big Brother, give him some stick! He's LIVID! What is his problem? She hasn't actually done anything! Even if she was doing 'the look' 24/7 she wouldn't deserve that. BB should be telling him off a lot more, not pandering to his twaddle.
I like Corin. Her lies were all bizarre. Colonic irrigation! All her lies are just variations on a theme, but they're cute.
I'm really torn on who I want evicted. I'd like to see more of all of them, really. I guess Shabby is the ideal, as she's fairly 2 dimensional. If Rachael goes, John James will feel vindicated. But there's definitely some mileage in Sunshine yet.
Haha, how could Corin be pregnant, isn't she a lesbian! That's a great lie. Respect to her.
I like Rachael's hair frizzy, it looks nice. That was the quickest make-up hug in history. I think she's some sort of masochist.
My boyfriend is hating on BB! Boooooooooooo! He said it's like blogging a shipwreck. Sob.
Ooh they are letting them hear the baying crowd again! They aren't chanting 'get someone out' you idiots, they were chanting 'get SUNSHINE out'! Aw, poor Racheal. She didn't really deserve that, especially since she wasn't even up for nomination this week. She didn't even get booed, or was the music just covering up the boos?
Rachael looks lovely with straight hair.
That VT was harsh! They shouldn't have shown him saying he fucking hated her, it was cruel.
Ooh, it's like BB USA with the goodbye messages! The one from John James must stick in the craw.
WTF is this end bit all about?! Making them listen to messageboard comments about them! This is as bad as when they had the 'panel' discussing them! Someone rang up and moaned about Rachael's skimpy clothing upsetting her grandchildren! ALL those comments were nasty. Haters, women haters of all varieties! Divine. Scrap that section, please. I don't want to hear from the great British arseholes.
Racheal was dignified to the end. I would have stuck it to John James old skool style.
Bye Rachael. I guess it's straight down to Nuts. Sigh.

Big Brother 11: You got the look

Had a little sift through the live feed last night and fast forwarded any time Govan or Shabby was on. It works fairly well. I wish Mario, Ben, Sunshine, Nathan, Steve and Dave stayed up a bit later. Keever and Ife's conversational topics are somewhat lightweight.
John James has got ripped jeans on. They're probably fashionable in Australia. God, the look, the look, the look! STFU. If you don't like me, don't look at me. Personally, I'd rather have gum on my shoes than John James in my house. 'At the end of the day.. I don't really care. She's ugly.' Classic schoolboy bullying tactics. Why does John James fancy Corin? He must be used to those leathery faces because of all the sunshine down under, mate. She looks like the scrapings off of David Dickinson's vanity table.
LAMINATOR. Begone. John James gave him a look like he was a piece of shit. Oh, he is.
Eww, Rachael being so vile to Ben. Ben is worth 75 of her. It's sad seeing Mario pawing at Ben and Ben pawing at Rachael. Mcdaddy swerve-on! Ben just pretended not to notice the implications of that conversation. Saved by the bogey.
Sunshine looks kinda cute today. Her lipstick is good. I think I'm in love with Ben a bit. He's got a very strange face but he's just so dignified. Marylebone indeed.
Racheal (sorry, FIANCEE) DOES actually have that look on her face all the time, like she's above it all. But even so. You'd have thought she'd murdered Stefan Dennis and hung him off the Sydney Harbour bridge the way John James is going on.
Why don't they ever show Steve or Nathan?! It's rubbish. I probably don't like them, but I'd like some more evidence to go on.
Oh god, not eating tasks. BB is meant to be the trendsetter of reality shows; not leeching off stale I'm a Celebrity ideas.
Josie is kind of cool, I think she's slowly turning into a class act. She never gets involved in the bitching. I think she's cute, too. It's not her fault she's pear-shaped. Her being sick in that bucket was funny (especially after I just called her classy).
Fiancee; you've got zero chance of changing John's opinion of you. Plus, why fancy someone just because they are good looking? His personality is loathsome.
WHAT ABOUT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE JOHN JAMES YOU REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY OF A MAN?
You should be glad he leaves the room when you walk in, Rachael. He's a nasty, poisonous bastard. I'd go up to him and tell him to go fuck himself.
That sucks when you're slagging someone off who's in the same room. We've all done it.
Shabby in Nuts with her tits out! Let's guess the headline. 'Not too Shabby?' Lordy. How DARE John James get angry about that, it's none of his fucking business. He is unnerving, he should be on a warning. He puts me on edge.
Good on Corin for speaking out. Don't fucking apologise to him. Shabby: 'I hope someone's speaking out';- why don't you go and fucking speak out? It could save your contrived little arse.
It's a bit rich John James telling people how to make money when he's living off a fucking inheritance. It's none of his business what reason people are in there for, what they do to make money, what they do with their own bodies. Have you ever seen John James have a go at a man in the house? Noooooo! Just the women! Woman-hating misogynistic cunt. Why is he so angry at everything? Did he get his ickle heart broken once? Boo hoo! Tosser. He doesn't want a blowjob in case it degrades you, he'd prefer you slit your wrists to get away from his instead.
Come on Nathan! Get your one line in: 'you've got feelings and stuff'. Brilliant.
Uh oh! Ben- all boys together! The fumble cats. Washer women indeed! Don't back someone up just because he's got a penis. OMG sexism united. And lesbianist too. Feminism is not a dirty word! They were just standing up for their friends. He called Shabby volatile- what does he think John James is? Timid? Mario trying to turn Ben gay at the end of that conversation was funny; it just might work after several weeks. I still love Ben, only slightly less than I used to.
John James: 'guys are different, they just don't bitch.' ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! *speechless*
There's so many people in the wrong here, I barely know where to start. Evict them ALL!

Big Brother 11: Hickory Dickory Cock

Nominations announced. Shabby, dear, it's not all about you. If you can't be bothered to save yourself; there's the door.
Ooh, who will be saved? Who will go on the block instead? There's only one way to find out.
CHEESE task. Is the prize a date with Alex James? Or a sculpture of Alex James, made of cheese. Either would be fab. Bored of this task now. Let's have some action.
Dave is off the block. Great, some more homophobic banter to come. Ooh, he has to pick the person to go up. How to make friends and influence people. GOVAN GOVAN GOVAN! Do it, you fucking coward.
Ooh, he picked Rachael! Harsh. What a wasted opportunity. He should have picked Govan. He'd have been a hero. I don't think he dared. Women hate. Vagina hate. You could have said no if you wanted to. You could have walked away... couldn't you. He should have put Steve up. As they say on BB USA; you got a target on your back now.
I know why Shabby's carping about the noms, because she knows she will go over Fiancee. I want the bitch clique to get picked off one by one. Their late night baths are boring. More Ben and Mario, please.
Govan, you survived that by the skin of your teeth! You could at least be gracious, you little troll.
Urgh, Shabby is such a prat. Ben does have a knack for insulting people but they definitely deserve it. Shabby's having a tantrum! That's decided. I'm going to vote her out. I'm done with her bullshit.
OMG did Dave just claim he cured someone's cancer? Crikey.
Ben, stop apologising to that dickhead. 'I'm often accused of being a ham'. Hehe.
Dave's punishment wasn't exactly major, was it? Favouritism. He read that speech in a very sombre tone.
I noticed Fiancee pulls the exact same confused face as John James. that must be why he likes/hates her so much. I think the problem with her is that in real life people are obviously crawling up her arse 24/7, yet in that house no one respects her. (Ah, she just admitted what I just said two seconds later!) I don't like her little girl act either; I find it very cloying.
John James's attitude STINKS. The way he acts and the games he plays is the kind of stuff you think when you're 15. He's not exactly the Pick Up Artist. He goes on and on and on and on. He talks so much about how he knows himself; he doesn't know shit.
Corin acts like her sun-damaged skin is a shock to her. She must have sat on those sunbeds.
OMG what is up John James's arse. He has got ISHHUUUES. Someone must have given him a dirty look at a sensitive time in his life and it's left a mental scar. It's not that he doesn't like you, Rachael, it's just that he fucking hates you/ wants to fuck you.
Some people just naturally look snooty half the time. I've known loads of people with that habit. FACE POLICE. Don't tell him you fancy him. He's an idiot. Her apologising to him made me cringe. He's rude, aggressive, ignorant.
Oh, and you've got a wedgie.

Big Brother 11: First blood

I saw them get called for nominations on the live feed and Shabby actually cheered. Let's see if she'll be cheering afterwards (clue: she won't).
Mario is in the closet. Bless. Corin does look sun-damaged (ie. 40). She seems quite nice, though.
Verruca talk! Are they trying to evoke the spirit of Jade? Sunshine isn't exactly going to have the streets lined with chavs when she drops dead. I don't think David Cameron would give a word of appreciation either.
Sunshine is really abrupt! Can't she take a joke? She's so fucking po-faced, dreary, joyless. Woah, check out Ben's hair. That is a fantastic comb-over. It reminds me of Rex's ice-cream do. STOP WHINING, SUNSHINE.
I watched a bunch of live feed today as I was off work and it was just hours and hours of Govan shit-stirring. I really don't want to hear his voice any more. Big Brother should tape up his gob for a task. I do agree with him that Sunshine acts hard done by. Still, I think I'd rather be stuck in a lift with Sunshine than him.
I see Big Brother is giving them the washing tablets I've got; £1.25 from Somerfield. Score.
I seriously think John James fancies Josie. He goes a bit coy around her. I think she thinks he's out of her league.
Govan spouts bullshit at about 15 words per second. I'm just mentally switching off now.
Mario wringing his hands whilst perving over Ben is slightly disturbing. Nathan just said his one line per show.
Dave; oh dear oh dear. If your opinion is against same sex marriage, then fucking spit out what your problem is. Don't backtrack and shy away saying it's controversial whilst sitting next to Mario. Arsehole. You've got about as much chance of winning this as I have.
Nominations! At last. Finally we get to see where the loyalties lie. Ben's cake shorts rule, btw. Ooh, they are counting the nominations for us. Normally I have to try and work it out. It's like Deal or No Deal when they put up the past offers. I don't blame Ben for nomming Sunshine over Verruca Gate #2. Keever's nominations seemed pretty agreeable. Corin's voice made me glad she's generally not getting shown. I'm surprised Dave didn't nominate Mario for being a fag.
Ife nominating Steve; a waste of a vote. But why did she vote him? She was being coy. I reckon she don't want to look at his metal legs no more.
John James either HATES Fiancee or is in love with her, he was sticking it to her so bad last night. He's got some serious issues with women.
Josie nominated Dave for being a homophobe. Good. I like Josie more lately.
Nathan nominated Ben! Classist. I'm not surprised he doesn't give a shit about you, you look like a (half) shaved chimp.
Wow, these nominations are endless. Shabby is wack. Whack. Wack. Whatever. Shabby, man, she's such an urchin. She blows my mind with her maverick ways. LOL to Steve calling her fake. Correct.
I wonder who will go home this week? I think it might be Shabby. I could imagine her inspiring more motivation in voters than Sunshine.
Onion gate. It really does makes me want to cry. Ben discussing 'dobbing' was hilarious. The way he talks is so great.
Govan: 'can I just finish?' NO! STFU! Vicky Pollard on speed is not an acceptable role model. He's such a prink. He gets off on confrontation. When John James started bitching about Fiancee on the live feed, Govan was virtually jumping up and down with joy. Wrong 'un. Please stop giving him such a long edit, he's really off-putting.
Argh look at Sunshine's FACE. Listen to her voice! WHINE WHINE WHINE. SHUT UP.
Ah, here's the short version of what I saw. John hates Fiancee because she's not into him! Simple. She wouldn't inspire so much rage otherwise. He's deeply misogynistic. I'm scared Josie is going to end up with her heart broken.
OK, here's my plan: let's take Govan and Sunshine down to the river, tape them together, put them in a bag, and see if they float. They don't? Whoops.

Big Brother 11: Watch out for cornflakes

My boyf is already bored of BB. Appreciate it! It's our last one. I do agree though that the engineering of storylines so early on is tiring. I wish they'd let them bed in a bit.
Mario does seem to like Sunshiiiiiiiine. Why?
Apparently John James is favourite to win! WTF.
They didn't put Steve in because he snores, folks. That's just an added bonus.
I want to see Mario's clown painting. It sounds DEEP, dude. You can't stop growing old, Mario. Brian Molko taught us that.
Steve! Blew him up and then set a dog on him. Glorious war. Ben: 'your mother must have just been beside herself.' LOL. Why has Ben got his tongue so far up Steve's arse? I think it's a bit patronising. What choice does he have but to live and go on with life?
I don't think I've ever seen any of those girls speak to Sunshine. I have heard them say shit about her late into the night though. It's weird that the girls are the ones staying up this year. I don't think I've ever seen that before.
I'd rather be Lady Gargoyle than Fiancee. Fiancee is always spewing bile, backed up by her little impy henchman. That's Govan and Shabby both talked about nominations so far.
Corin and Nathan are flying so far under the radar, they're burrowing underground.
Ben liasing with the common people! Discussing sandwiches and Corrie. I like it.
I can feel a Shabby strop coming on! She's gonna Veruca Salt you up. Do you not understand English, Shabby? You broke the rules. Now if you don't like it, you know where the door is.
I'm surprised the It girls (Fiancee, Ife & Keeva) put up with Shabby 'what can I say, I get a lot of poontang' and her bullshit. She's one spoilt cunt. Go sit on the naughty step. Imagine if Shabby had her legs blown off? No, let's imagine her having her head blown off. It's more fun.
OMG Is Fiancee serious? She fancies Nathan? He looks like a shrivelled up Noel Gallagher (who looks like a shrivelled up Liam Gallagher). With a bit of Jack Branning icing. Blergh. Behold him lying starfish-style in the garden, his hairy chest exposed. Yuck.
Shabby: 'I'm such a fucking bell-end'. A fitting epitaph, I'm sure you'll agree. She's writing this blog for me. She didn't confess that essentially she fingered Steve. Her confession was very self-serving.
Why is John always frowning? Oh, because he's thick as pig shit.
Why do they need to wear the safety glasses for the brain freeze task? Just to make them look silly! I thought Nathan might win it. He looks competitive.
When is Dave going to start speaking in tongues? Before or after his eviction?
Govan reminds me of Gok Wan; 100% insincere. Fiancee is just a spiteful dullard.
Ben; here's why Shabby won't speak to you; you're too common for her! Not rich enough!
Are those diary room wings made out of Fiancee's hair extensions? Acrylic afternoons indeed.
Is John James chatting up Josie? I thought he just stood and waiting for the Sheilas to come to him. Do you think he's going to get to touch up his highlights in the house?
That's so cruel that BB won't give them earplugs! I would smother Steve in his sleep. I couldn't sleep in that room. They must be barred from the nest too.
My boyfriend has decided Govan talks like Vicky Pollard. He certainly talks enough bullshit.
Right, I'm off to get intoxicated on the holy ghost.

Big Brother 11: John James, so dumb they named him twice

Obviously we already know Mario passed the task; and it would have been mental torture to throw him out after all that. Still, I've seen bigger miscarriages of justice on BB.
Here's the problem with Sunshine. She doesn't 'know herself', as Ashleeeeen used to say. Her personality is contrived, therefore you can't relate to her.
Nathan has only said one line in four days, and they got subtitled. I see why they're not showing much of him, he needs his own full-time translator.
Steve's snoring is grotesque. It's a good reason to nominate him without seeming like an arse though.
Ben has dabbled with blokes! Aw he doesn't fancy Mario, though. Sob. How could he like Fiancee more? She's a zzz factory.
I watched a bit of this quiz task on the live feed and Mario was actually replying back to the tree. It was so obvious! Mario is hamming it up too much. He needs to work on his faux-crying.
John James is so desperate to win its unreal, cobber. So much of what he says is unbridled bullshit.
Is Sunshine wearing that outfit/ lipstick for a joke?
I don't think I'd like to eat anything John cooked. He doesn't even know how to grate cheese. I don't think Mario could even fuck it up more, that pizza looks so gross. Mario's messing up of the task was fun; at least he got to trash something at last. I would have wrecked the joint.
It was quite a lark seeing John James get screwed. 'I don't eat cooking!' He's a gold-plated div. I think he might be inspired casting.
PIZZA RESISTANCE! Nice.
Mario: 'I wouldn't go in there because I've just had a big shit.' Class.
John laughing at the mess in the kitchen was good. I warmed to him then. The others still eating the dregs! Desperate.
Mario swore on Steve's life! Just as deadly as a roadside bomb. Sunshine is always trying to out him. I wish she'd wrap up.
This mole task thing ended up with people just voting for who they wanted to get evicted. Which was bad news for Sunshine. Unless they all just copied each other. But good news for Mario. Hurrah.
Why DID everyone vote Sunshine? Just because she's annoying, I guess. If I was in that house I'd be sure to vote for her first nominations, in the assurance I would survive the cut.
Sunshine is too earnest. I haven't got the measure of Govan yet but I think he might be a shit-stirrer.
Nice to see Mario out of the mole hole. He needs to get over the Ben thing though.
Shabby and Govan's conversation might as well have been subtitled with 'vote Sunshine out'. Subtle it wasn't.

Big Brother 11: Pure slamming

I watched some more live feed tonight and saw Mario going through murders carrying out his tasks! It's really mental torture for him. Naughty BB.
Sunshine, stop grilling Mario, you arsehole. I feel so sorry for him. He looks shattered, pasty, sad... it's just not fair.
Task: they didn't look like they were putting their clothes on very fast to me. I'd have been quicker.
Mario giving Ben a sly pat. Aw. He's born to lose at the moment. No love for the mole.
Look at John James, with his diamanté earrings glinting in the sun. Why would you say on TV you're a 30-second man? Pure slamming! Lovely.
Not many girls in Australia like giving blowjobs, or just to the 30-second man? He finds it demeaning! His personality is demeaning. I couldn't work out if he was serious or not.
OMG they've permitted Dave access to the Bible! This is bullshit. If he can get 'possessed' by God, why does he need to read it? Boo to religion.
Dave, you might as well say 'what goes around comes around'; it's quicker.
Handwash-gate. Zzz. Fiancee getting bugged by Sunshine; inevitable.
Mario's 'poker face' whilst stealing those fags was one of pure panic.
'Mario, show me how to use the toilet'- fuck off Sunshine. 'Why were you in your room?' Is he not allowed to go in his own room now? Maybe he wanted to get away from your Lady Gargoyle mush.
Shabby's idea of winding the other housemates up seems deranged, given she's in a popularity contest. Still, good news for Mario.

Big Brother 11: Big-titted pig

Previously on Exitainment! I only like Mario. End.
Looking at Corin, Ife, Steve, Dave and John makes me want to lose the will to live.
Look at Ben in his silk gown! He's working those wings. I do still like Ben, too. But as a character, not a friend.
Why has Fiancee got comedy glasses on? Sunshine is grating a bit. Cloudy, more like.
Who's cooking the food on that table in the sky? I don't think I'd want to eat up there. I'd feel unsettled.
That task was hard! The phrases were stupid. Word association: Spice girls... prostitutes.. hookers. I could say more, but I'm a feminist. Ha.
Shopping list. 'Let's do the alcohol first.' I see.
Fiancee doesn't know the difference between being a beautician and a vegan. You don't get a packet of fake nails for every pack of tofu Sunshine eats. Not exactly very understanding to others beliefs.
If there was a woman in there with 8 kids by various different fathers; woe betide! Steve is just a massive chav.
Fiancee is getting on my wick. Thanks for giving Shabby your seal of approval 'despite how she looks'. Never mind she's a massive cunt. As are you.
Nathan is getting the Hira edit. I'm guessing he's just a dullard. I see he's just calling Mario 'mole.' Let's just call him 'eyebrow'. Govan is straight? No fucking way. Not possible.
Hair straightener-gate could not have been more dull. Fiancee is vapid.
Shabby and Ife are in the kitchen. Where's Dodgy?
'Let's get fucked on carbs and potatoes'! That's pretty much my motto.
The Tree of Temptation has got a bit of Charlie Brooker about him. Poor Mario! He can't even get a good night's sleep.
Why does everyone look so stooped in that diary room chair?! Sit up straight.
STEVE! Nice snoring. Big-titted pig indeed.
Aw Mario has little boy pants on. Cute. I think I'm falling for him. Squeaky door! Come on, chicken, you can do it.
I don't like that brand of bread Mario is putting in the pool! DROWN IT. This is tense. MARIO you're my hero. HE MUST STAY.

Big Brother 11: Holes dug by little moles

I like the way they're whizzing through what happened yesterday. Keep it snappy. I picked through the live feed last night and saw Ife and Caoimhe (I need to think of a nickname for her fast) slagging off Sunshine, saying she doesn't look like Lady Gaga. Yes she does. A Gaga/Kate Walsh hybrid. I also learnt that Ben was Raef from The Apprentice's butler on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Fame, fame, fatal fame.
Fiancee has been hit on twice already. It's hard being good-looking.
John James is annoying in every way; the voice, the highlights, the attitude. Rack off. He's my odds-on favourite to say something racist.
Ben is still giving good value for money; 'If you were French or German we may have a problem'. I just like hearing him talk, he's so gloriously posh.
I could see Josie and monobrow dude getting it on. They're on about the same social scale.
Did Steve just say he had a 'computer knee'? Like Plankton's computer wife in Spongebob Squarepants.
The mole hole is kind of cool. At least he'll get a good night's sleep in there. Mario is so desperate to be in there it hurts. But I really respected him on the live feed last night; the boy's got guts. It's scary to think he's only in there by chance, as he seems so much more intriguing than... er, all the others.
Steve is getting on my wick already. He's going to be the old Mario/ Carole/ Vinnie Jones of the group who no one will want to throw out because of his disability.
Dave is going to be BAD. Dave and Steve are going to be a force (of cunts) to be reckoned with.
Sunshine... medical... tinkerbell... fairy dust. OK.
Corin. Common. Ooh, dead husband and now with a girl. Quite interesting.
Let's guess what Shabby's real name is. Tabitha? Veronica? Philomena?
Aw, Mario had his heart ripped out at Christmas! Perhaps someone thought it was a pressie.
Josie. Why are you there?
Fiancee saying she's not stupid. Defensive!
Ben: it's easy to not work the 9-5 when your parents live in a castle.
JohnJames: PRICK.
I liked the way Mario went for the task so quick, he was straight into those drawers, no messing about.
Ben is seriously paranoid about being booed. He needs to get a grip. And put some trousers on.
OMG Mario is gay! I never knew. I had considered it but my gaydar is fucked. There's his heart dashed against the rocks once more. Ben looked offended, rather unfairly. He's uber-camp.
Mario wrote SO MANY things on that ball. His handwriting was absolutely meticulous. The things he wrote were really clever. It's such a relief to have someone with a brain in the house.
Mario: 'what am I going to do as a mole? Dig up the garden?' LOL. The mole nose looks like a penis. It's unnerving.
Mario's throwing was brilliant- that's like me trying to get a balled-up crisp packet in the bin. Go Mario! Crawl, crawl, crawl!
They didn't even show Ife take her wig off so you might think she shaved her head and no one mentioned it.
So they didn't show the bitching. Obviously doesn't fit into the agenda yet. But it will, and it must.
Woah look at tomorrow's task! Looks like they spent a couple of quid at last. Well done, BB. Just starve them and spend the money on electric shocks.

Big Brother 11: Launch Night (before your very eyes)

I was 19 years old when Big Brother first started; almost a child. My twenties just finished, and aptly, Big Brother is folding now, too. It's time to move onto adult things. It's time to grow up.
Ha, fuck that! I read an interview in Heat where Davina said 'never say never' about moving to a different channel to present BB, which made me feel oddly hopeful. Five must be scouting for it. They aren't afraid to churn out a tired old formula; they show Home and Away every day.
So here it is, our last stand. Let's meet our new friends and enemies. I am watching this on the PLUS ONE! Unacceptable, I know.
What's all this about 80 people or so waiting to be picked? Doesn't that guarantee a few duds? Couldn't they pick 12 decent people themselves?
It's weird seeing the house in daylight! BB launches should take place under the cover of darkness.
Ooh the house looks really nice. I like the swirliness of the walls and the bedroom looks really plush. ZOLTAR. PARROT. Ooh, look at the whirlpool and the nest. The nest looks super comfy. They've spent a few quid on it this year. Why have they made the tree of temptation into a chest of drawers, but they are still calling it the tree of temptation? They should call it the chest of coercion. The diary room chair is pretty but too small. I prefer the ones where they can have a pile up in it.
1st in. Josie. Mrs. Justin Lee Collins. 25? She looks frumpy. She looks like she's wearing her mum's dress. I said to my boyfriend 'is that dress unflattering or has she got a huge arse?' and he said 'both'.
2nd. Steve, one of those soldiers the BB producers mawkishly recruited. Looks like England fan. Did he just say he had eight kids? 'What you see is what you get'. Well, in that case, can I have my money back? He's just Mario with a limp.
I don't understand this format. Is the live crowd not being shown the footage of the housemates going in (because the new housemates aren't allowed to see it?) I'd feel pretty jibbed if I'd gone down for that.
I don't get this 81 people thing at all. If they're already chosen, what's the point? There better be a twist, but BB just probably just got confused. I HATE the fact they all know each other, it's not 'quite nice'; Davina. it's rubbish. The whole point is WE watch them getting to know each other, idiot. The producers still don't fucking know their arse from their elbow.
Ben. 'Welcome to my lair'. AT LAST a good housemate. DOSS PAD. Mannequins! Is he 4 realz? He's got to be gay. 'Some sort of prison designed by Boy George'! Boy George has had the inspiration, anyway. My boyfriend said 'he obviously had that written down weeks ago'. Who cares? I LIKE BEN. BEN FTW. Mind you, his competition is dreadful so far.
Next: Rachael. I said 'Fiona Lewis' and my boyfriend said 'Feyonce' so I'll leave you to work that one out. She just seems like a dullard.
That fairground music does not have the required gravitas. Next in Nathan. Jack Branning on the Slim Fast diet. A lad's lad. I look forward to him missing the World Cup. Are we going to get anyone good looking in there?
Ad break! Cheryl Cole and that lipgloss advert. There's not a lip gloss on the planet you could bite on your lips and not come away with it on your teeth, you lying harpy. I recognise all this advert music, that car music and that hair gel advert. Peculiar.
The house isn't in the same place as normal, is it? I see trees, I see grass.
Next: Dave. Oh God, not more Christians. Heavenly intoxication and bliss bashes; sounds like a gay hardcore night. BOO to the God botherer.
Caohme. (I think I misspelt this) She looks cool in her sunglasses. Urgh, I don't like these names I can't spell and that you pronounce differently. She seems like more of a normal person and not an airhead. She's quite attractive.
Govan. Gay? I liked the way he said 'funny'. He seems quite sweet but I think he could go either way; he'll either be dead cool or a total nightmare.
I like the carpet. I like all the house. The Davina wallpaper is a nice touch, too. Shame about the housemates.
Shabby is in next. I thought she was a bloke. She's a Kitten type. I preferred her when I thought she was a boy. She's a lesbian. SHOCKING. (as Dr Drew would say). Oh God, I'm getting shades of Shabnam. And that's not a good thing. Just pure fakery.
Next: Ife! My friend saw someone with a bag that was masquerading as Miffy the bunny rabbit and called it 'Iffy'. That's a good joke. I wonder who she's not going to get on with. FIANCEE, is my bet. Borin'. Ben looked how I felt.
John. Looks like a boil-in-the-bag boyband member. Australian. Does he like Neighbours? His clothes look BRAND NEW. Zzzz.
Sunshiiiiiiiiiine! She looks like Lady Gaga crossed with Kate Walsh. Beware the person who says they like having intellectual conversations. She was trying overly hard to be kooky but there's something I like about her. It was weird the way she just sat down and shook hands with people, like she didn't know where to put herself.
Corin is next. FJORDAN. Corin/Fjordan is really ORANGE. I couldn't hear anything she said because they obviously fucked up the mikes and all you could hear was Davina going 'does anyone have a tissue?' Corin could have said she was a child molester for all I know.
Adverts. IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT! God this football thing is INTERMINABLE. DROP DEAD ALL WHO SAIL IN IT!
Last time they picked a housemate at random we got that dreary old cunt Suzie, so not holding out much hope for this wildcard. Mini Mario! He looks very happy at least. I like him, he looks geeky and green. Mario can't read! Aw, I want to see his entrance video.
There was literally an advert break about 10 seconds ago. GUESS WHAT CUNTS NOT EVERYONE LIKES FOOTBALL! DIE. Oh and now for a perfume ad. That's OK then. I don't think I want to smell like Fergie. The smell of the crack den! YUM.
The first night tasks really suck shit. Davina's jokes are dreadful. It feels arduous. Yet still we cling.
I don't think the people they've chosen are as good as last year. We just have to hope the interesting people don't get binned first. Stay tuned.

Soap and Ammo: Lord, have Mercy

Typical Corrie; normally the storylines revolve around Ken's tawdry affairs and Norris selling penny sweets; the minute they go all Die Hard, some inadequate goes garrity with a sniper rifle in Cumbria. Result: no Corrie for almost a week. Presumably, the grieving friends and family won't be offended this week. Unless they watch Eastenders.
It is a joy to see Tony's boggle-eye back on the cobbles; even if he is hamming it up somewhat. I like Carla giving it back to him ('under-endowed'!); Carla is one of the best soap characters ever; glamorous, cool, sexy. Why IS she going out with that bin man? It makes less than no sense. How can they keep Tony in the show as a escaped murderer? They can't, can they? He's coming out of that factory in a body bag. Sob.
Oh, and a word on the new credits. Boo. Change the theme tune! Put a drum machine on it.
Gail's trial! Burn the witch. Only Corrie could be so bombastic as to run two such big storylines together; if Eastenders give you a well-written, exciting storyline, they make you eat up a big pile of Heather doing karaoke in between.
Hayley is taking being a hostage extremely well. I'd be gibbering. This siege is not very scary so far. It's like a comedy siege. Ooh, the accomplice just bought it. I take it all back. I HAVE been affected by this storyline.
Talking of which, onto Eastenders. Which storyline have you enjoyed most recently? Ben's personality transplant? The thought of Pat and Peggy's having sex with the same bloke? Liam's maths homework? Fatboy and friends enjoying a sojourn to the countryside? I know, the fun never starts!
This new Zoe Lucker character is good, isn't it! Very well rounded. Mind her handbag, Max. Wow, that romp lasted the same amount of time it too Minty to fit three cliches into one sentence.
I heard they are replacing Lucy Beale with a new actress. My boyfriend will be disappointed, as he fancies the current one. I wish they'd replace the following characters: Lucas & family (including Denise's 'zany' sister), Janine & co, all the Slaters, all the new young ones (except Fatboy), Heather, Minty, wheelchair kid (your mum left, why don't you fuck off), Carol Jackson, Liam Butcher/Jackson, Owen's mum (see wheelchair kid reasoning but replace 'mum' with 'son'), Danny Mitchell, Danny Mitchell's mum. What I'd replace them with? A Syed and Christian year-long special in which they go to Lesbos and live happily ever after.
What the fuck is this Mercy character and her offensive stereotype of an aunt all about? I feel like I've missed something, but actually they just never bothered to write it. Even if they had, I'd rather watch Hamster-girl sing me through the latest Glee covers albums.
I want to see Bianca's Forever Friends nightie. Apparently they are re-writing the Lucas storyline because it's so controversial in light of the massacre. They can barely write something the first time around; I dread to think what the alternate version will be.
Theoretically, this Eastenders lasts the same amount of minutes as Coronation Street, so why does it feel three times as long?
Oh god, please don't stay Mercy. You're fucking useless.
Back to Corrie! Transphobia from Tony! Leave Hayley alone, you monster. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria. Please kill Maria.
Look at that casual sexism from the Boyzone twat! First trannies, now women. Who's next?
Don't hit Carla, you brute. You'll ruin her hair. I feel I was a little unfair on Eastenders. There are a few characters Tony could happily off for me tonight: Julie, Sean, bin man, Kevin, Kevin's dad, Molly's aunt, Sally, Rosie, Rosie's sister, Maria, Rita, Norris's girlfriend, Emily Bishop, all Windasses, Boyzone dude, Tyrone, Gail, Audrey, Audrey's gigolo, Jason, Chesney, Ashley & Claire & their kids, Jack Duckworth, Jack Duckworth's sugar mum, Liz; I could go on.
This Corrie has been a bit scarier (and more violent) than the first.
How could Tony say Maria was a better lay than Carla? Maria is one step up from an amoeba. It doesn't ring true. Kirk is sexier than her.
Why did Nicky Platt go from trying to avoid that hairdresser to her virtually living there? It seems like they forgot to write the bit after the first date. Storyline fail. I honestly don't miss this this show, so it can't just be me.
TONY. Don't toast the knicker factory. Think of the fumes from all that polyester. Think of the ozone layer. BANG.

Junior Apprentice (curated by Brian Betonde)

A day late again thanks to my freeview being spannered. What with Corrie being cancelled due to shoot-em-up horrors, and Eastenders peculiarly deciding to focus on Pat and Peggy's sex life and Liam's maths homework, TV has been a pretty barren place. 'This res-oom-ey don't add up!' They should have glossed over that one, not put it in the re-cap. WHY did Adam have to go because he was ill? I don't get it. There's more to that than meets the eye.
What was the connection between the David Beckham football academy and art? I've not a clue. I hate that guy Tim, the farmer dude with his straightened hair. I think he fancies that blonde girl, the Not-Zoe. His attitude to the artists stank. At least pretend to give a shit if you don't want to herd sheep all your life. They were both well trying to get rid of the dowdy little Kirsty.
What a surprise that Zoe's parents are both 'professional artists'! Indulged. Poor Emma (ie. Tina from Corrie before the Prozac kicked in) having to manage her.
Tim is useless! He think he's so much better than the others and he just came off like a kiss-ass.
Kirsty was at least spectacularly hopeless with the artist.
Tim is such a sexist prick! He ought to put the hair straighteners down and stick them up his arse.
Oops I stopped paying attention for the actual task because I got all aerated about finding misspelt tagged pictures of my school days on Facebook. Thank you slack Facebook privacy settings.
SACK TIM. I don't know what he's done wrong, but it must have been something. There; used 'eloquent' incorrectly in a sentence.
Not-Zoe went. Boo. I didn't pay attention but I don't think she deserved to go. I was gripped by this the first couple of weeks and now I'm indifferent. Davina; we need you.