Big Brother 9: She Looks Like Snow White

Luke, I think you're getting her confused with the Wicked Witch! So that's three guys who fancy Princess Manky Teeth now.. I had an unfortunate filling-full trip to the dentist today, so there's hope for me yet.
Mario blaming Jen for Dennis going: class!
Mikey paired people off in a cruel and unusual manner: well done! They should have done that task weeks ago. The housemates are so totally inconsiderate to his disability: except Mario who just wants to put police tape around all the trip hazards. Trip hazards! If Mario says the phrase 'trip hazard' I'll die happy.
What IS that thing with the towel that Lisa and Mario (and now Stuart) do in the garden?
Mario's diary room speech was top dollar. His sincerity floors me. He must truly believe the viewers are as attentive and doe-eyed to his spiel as Lisa. Mohamed: now only has a personality via his hairstyle.
Dale: 'Mikey, you have dreams and stuff?' Yes, he is a human, Dale. I was interested in Mikey talking about his blindness, normally he's just shuffling around forgotten.
Loving Darnell still. Loving his honesty. Aw, he wants to be someone's favourite. Rex and Rex! Haha. It was great what he said about Jen: thank god someone sees through it.
Lisa and Mario are soooo weird, I can't believe they met on Ebay, they seem made for each other. Imagine if they'd never met? They would have been lost, lonely robots. They do seem like 'soul mates' *shudder*.
Watching them eat blindfolded was truly gross. I can't stand watching people eat anyway. Mo was being really strange and OTT.
Rebecca: 'I even wish Alex was still here.' CHRIST! Your judgement is awful, love. 'All the fun people have gone.' What, Dennis and Sylvia? I find the best way to get the party started is to sexually harrass someone then gob in their face, don't you?
Rebecca is SUCH an exhibitionist getting naked! I have a grudging respect for her in a way that she's proud of her body. But she's still supremely irritating.
Beardy Brian Molko and Jen rubbing Dale's nose in it was funny. Keep pushing him and he might lamp someone because he's too inarticulate to argue his case. It's like watching a fly banging it's head against a window. All you need is love! Or nailing.

Big Brother 9: Keep It Really, Really Real

There was something extremely creepy about Jen and Luke's conversation about Rachel's 'dark side' against that backdrop of slightly frantic classical music. Surely it becoming like 'The Waltons' is a good thing for the housemates (if not the viewers?) Don't they WANT to get on?
Luke is becoming increasingly paranoid and spiky, with Team Cunt on his side. I can't stand fence-sitters either as a rule, but Kat and Rachel don't deserve that level of vitriol. I was pleased when Kat challenged him, he's getting completely out of control.
Rebecca is also being very annoying too; now she has what she sees as the cool kids on side she's becoming too big for her boots. But if the doors jammed and everyone on earth died outside the BB house, and they ran out of food and had to eat a housemate, you can guarantee it'd be you first, love. I'd put money on it.
As for the other happy house haters: if Jen was stuck in the house with the Dalai Lama she'd be calling him fake and slagging off his dress sense after five minutes. The 'whole Rachel situation- we can't take anymore of the incessant happiness.' I know, what is Rachel going to do next? Make them a cup of tea? Hang up their washing? FUCKING BITCH!
I enjoyed Rex basically calling Becks fat, because she is being a moron. I like his arrogance! I think his views reflect the views of any sane viewer. I like the fact he doesn't really rise to it, then when he does, he is considered Satan. He cannot win.
Jen: 'stop being happy, be yourself instead.' But by being YOURSELF, Jen, you are a sour-faced, miserable, nasty, uptight, deluded dimwit. So, why not be someone else? Surely anything else would be preferable. Good on Rachel for speaking out, as much as she could.
Rebecca was looking increasingly thick as the show went on and she went into full-on Vicky Pollard mode. She was barking at the moon because she didn't have a leg to stand on, but felt aggrieved anyway and started on Kat. Darnell took her down again in his own inimitable way, until he got mega-mouthed into the ground.
I hope Rex doesn't walk, the producers would be insane to let him. New intelligent blood desperately needed.

Big Brother 9: Aftermath

Best pics ever! Sylvia: 'Dennis was only trying to help.' I often find spitting on someone's face can resolve a sticky situation, don't you? In fact, that was the first trick they taught us in counselling school. Jen and Sylvia crying was absolutely hysterical. Jen thinks she's untouchable now. Little does she know.
Luke: 'The public will kick out Mo tonight, Dennis was just trying to diffuse the situation.' Luke: you hitched your bandwagon to a poisoned star and now you must pay the price, you nasty little shit. My love affair with you is OVER.
Words cannot explain how much I hate Jen, and how keen I am to see her get her comeuppance. How dare she challenge Darnell about what he did. He did so well just not to rise to it at all. How can they just not acknowledge that Mohamed was ASSAULTED? Spitting on someone is common assault. Darnell: 'When we hit the streets we'll see who the vile people are.' Correct. Loved Darnell calling Sylvia and Jen unexciting in front of Dale.
Jen: 'Dennis did whatever came natural.' It's not natural to spit on someone. That takes conscious thought. That would not come naturally EVER to someone of strong moral fibre. And I'm a right rock n' roll rebel and it would never occur to me to do that to my worst enemy.
Loved BB telling Stuart and Dale that Rex had already apologised. Dealt with! Dale: you're thick as shit. I've seen more intelligent Hollyoaks plots (I haven't really... as if I'd watch that bollocks)
Love Mario again now. Except his nominations talk which was exceedingly stupid. When will they learn!!!
Watching Dale in his pink scunt straightening Luke's hair was the antithesis of sexy. I like men hairy, dirty and scruffy. Oh my God, then Dale put on a cravat for the eviction. Awful fashion sense does not take the place of IQ, gormy.
Kat annoyed me telling Rex off for being arrogant. Better arrogant than fake and utterly one-dimensional.
Other thoughts: The song Cookie Love is oddly addictive. Why was Lisa shaving her 'tache? And who enjoyed the chocolate earhole licking more, Becks or Luke?

Big Brother 9: 'Would you do that to a Monet?'

Bloody hell! All that excitement nearly gave me a cardiac arrest. It was loads better than I expected. Syliva's night was stolen somewhat.
I loved Darnell bullshitting Rebecca that he fancies her! Rebecca was wearing my cardie as well. I used to not like that, but now I'll allow it. She didn't look very impressed with his seduction technique.
Fight night! Jennifer's egotism knows no bounds: 'you wouldn't be able to do that in an art gallery.' For fuck's sake Jen, it was a doodle of beardy tosspot Stuart, get the fuck over it, you dopey cow. Grow up! I love hearing Rex speak, he's got a sexy voice and I'm becoming quite partial to his nose. His insincere apology ruled. I love the fact it was all sorted then Dale came in like a caveman. What a prick. I wouldn't mind but Jen was utterly in the wrong, and Stale (Stuart & Dale) just pushed their way in like the thickest kind of retards. Stale is Jen's ideal man! (I'm copyrighting Stale, btw).
Jen- 'I would never put my fingers in his food!' I hate her more than anyone on the planet, genuinely. I'm glad she lost Dennis because of it, it was utterly just. What was with Stuart as well, getting all involved? God, don't upset Princess Manky Teeth. Don't fuck with her 'masterpiece'! Masterpiece!!! She actually SAID THAT. Rex DID apologise. Shut up!
Oh my God, I can't believe what happened. I sincerely hope someone spits in Dennis's face in the street, the evil little cunt. Mohamed and Rex were both completely bullied. It was like ten against two. Where was Mario when you needed him? He didn't risk assess the gob in the face, did he?
Thank GOD Darnell spoke the truth. I literally cannot BELIEVE people were still going on about that fucking painting after Dennis SPIT in Mohamed's face. That was truly horrific. Darnell went up in my estimation a BILLION percent, I loved the fact he was so angry about it, I would have been exactly the same. He was a true hero. It doesn't matter the whys and wherefores. Also, Mohamed did NOT square up to a girl. I HATE DALE! They are just racist as far as I'm concerned. Mohamed did nothing. Stuart, Dale, Jennifer, Rebecca: scum.
They were definitely drunk, but it's no excuse. I was pleased to hear Dennis still had his dignity, there was I thinking he was a rancid, disgusting little troll. Mohamed crying and washing his face was awful, if someone spat in my face I'd feel absolutely violated, and I don't use that word lightly.
All the people in that luxury bedroom are complete spineless wankers for not calling Dennis out on his revolting behaviour. I will not forget. Dennis should have been kicked out then and there. Disgraceful.
Darnell: 'I really thought Becks was going to put out tonight.' Love it.
Sylvia's interview: fairly superfluous to requirements- probably the most interesting part was the live feed at the end: Luke saying 'If they evicted Sylvia none of us have a chance.' And Jen replying 'How could anyone evict that body?' Because, shit-for-brains, it's not Britain's Next Top Model, it's Big Brother and we require either a brain or a serious personality disorder in our winner, and you don't even have a brain cell, or a personality. I'd predict you'd feel intellectually threatened by an amoeba, but actually, you find two of them sexually attractive. Poor you (and them).

Big Brother 9: There Was No Day 14

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to blog this last night but it was too late. I was going to skip it all together but there are things that need to be said! Like, what has Rebecca done to her hair, it looks like a fright wig. I still like her though and I liked her being proud of her arse. Its not like Luke has exactly got a body beautiful, is it?
It was a bit naughty when BB told Luke why it had sent Dennis and Darnell to prison, BB of old would never have done such a thing. Good, though. As it was D&D got away with it, because they are a bit cheeky. I thought they were good fun in the prison, a proper odd couple.
I thought the OK Go dance routine was brilliant, it was a feel-good episode of BB. I can think of several series past where they would not have had the discipline to do that. I loved the ‘Oxfam’ clothes as well, I like it when they indie them up. Stuart looked like a gay sailor. Dale did look smouldering with smoky eyeliner (except when his mouth lolls open like a stroke victim) and I loved Rex in his make up and indie gear. I can’t believe he called it stupid whilst wondering round with that tidal wave hairdo and so-designer-he-looks-like-he-got-it-off-the-market hoodie. Sylvia looked good as an indie chick too.
It was nice to see them all getting on, well until the end. I don’t think Sylvia really had designs on Dale, she was only kidding in her own bizarre way (like the joke with Luke… so funny I forgot to laugh!) Jen is so up her own arse! BB, please play Dale’s ‘If there’s any fanny in there, I’m going to nail it’ video. I’d pay good money to see Jen’s face.

Big Brother 9: Free Mandela (Do Not Pass Go)

Luke! I'm sick of you. Maybe Kat is annoying but maybe she just is nice as well. Maybe Rachel just is too. I like Rex and Mohamed. I'd rather be stuck in prison with them than any of the others. It's every man for themselves in that house.
Poor Mo, he's definitely depressed. I loved Rex's poor attempt at comforting him. Banged up with a crying man. Never good. I can't believe BB kept them in prison that long. Cruel! Battery-farmed housemates.
What modelling agency did Jen go to? Was it a specialist agency for people who were too poor to get braces when they were kids? She looked like that woman off 10 Years Younger in that stupid outfit. If that's sexy God help humankind. Her friendship with Sylvia is so disingenuous that if you breathed on it, it'd crumble.
That was interesting that Rachel said about getting friction burn on her thighs, because Rebecca went in the diary room and moaned about that the other day! I get that too. It's the fat person's curse. But fuck diets, that's what they invented leggings for *eats crispy strips*. They were mean not letting Rebecca do the task. What she lacks in physique, she makes up for in enthusiasm. Mario completely unbiasedly appointed Lisa as the make-up girl. Well if everyone wants to look like a red indian, it was the perfect choice. Love Darnell standing up for Becky. They are the misfits of the house.
Rex vs Dale: Rex made Dale look pathetic, which he is. But fair play to Dale for apologising (and having a sneaky feel of Rex's willy- he's not helping those bi rumours, is he?)
Rachel is SUCH a girl scout. What a fuss she made about that injury. Rebecca's hiding under the bed was funny.
Nominations chat! Stupidio! Dennis is such a dolt. Sylvia: you are going home, and the water thing has been done. See ya.
Tonights 'shut the fuck up' award goes jointly to Mario and Jen- what a pair of cunts. Risk assess my middle finger, Mario.

Big Brother 9: Veins Everywhere

Mario, you are not allowed to say last in, first out! Naughty.
Dale... there's a reason Rex talks to you like you're stupid. I'll give you an hour to work it out. Good luck!
Jennifer is soooo prim. 'Mikey washed his 'area'- can she not even say WILLY? I wish she'd get over it. She's not that saintly.
Query: why does Mikey want the light off at night?
Mohamed and his three breakfasts! I wonder what he had? Why does everyone hate him SO MUCH, he seems harmless. I mean eating too much isn't as offensive as half the things said and done in there. I've got half an idea... *cough* (racists).
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. If only he was in any way likeable. But he's so annoying and unpleasant.
Rachel was right about Luke: he does go from group to group shit-stirring, I spotted that a while back. I like her, I wish they'd show her more. Still a wasted vote though.
Mario and Lisa's excercise sessions are SO weird. It's utterly unnatural to enjoy doing those weird things they do. I was pleased Mario didn't get loads of votes this week though.
Rex slightly hypocritical to vote Sylvia for for flirting when she has a boyfriend, as he did the same thing with Steph. I still like him though. He's my fave (except when he wears that Claire's Accessories style hoodie).
Dale has got a lovely turn of phrase: 'Rex talking with his dick out.' He's obsessed with dick. I loved the fact Rex was lying there. Dale is so thick he doesn't recognise faces now, and he's only got about 15 to remember in there. What a tool.
Loved Darnell tearing a strip off Luke. Luke looked well and truly exposed. He obviously thought the housemates were too thick to see it, so I'm pleased that at least a couple of people are onto him. But he's still good value.
I enjoyed Rex and Mohamed getting sent to jail like the hoodie thugs they are. Hehe.
Sylvia: subtle as a brick. Stuart: he should learn how to say 'NO'. I could probably think of something more boring than Sylvia's whispering campaign, but it doesn't exist on this earth. I literally zoned out for ten minutes. It's like hearing a chav slagging off her boyfriend on her mobile on the bus. Poor Stuart! Why don't I feel sorry for him!
Nice to see the two black people are up. Good old BB. If you're a girl, black, or even mildly mouthy- see ya. Whilst the moronic teens keep Dale in cos he's fit, innit! And then we get stuck with retard Ken and Barbie and fucking CookieCunt for three months.
Things I don't want to look at anymore: Jen's ratty hair extensions.

Big Brother 9: Eye to Eye

Another SHIT edit from the producers, what exactly sparked that row with Mo and Dennis? Who was right, who was wrong? I'll never know. Therefore, I don't care. Like with the Sylvia 'Mo wants us to pretend to be a couple' thing: we never found out if he really said it, so I presume not. Mohamed seems very sad, and Dennis is a twat, that's all I see. Get over yourself Dennis, you demonic little troll. I feel like everyone is just ganging up on Mo very subtly now and he's going to have to shape his afro into devil's horns or a middle finger gesture to fight back. The fake fight was weird, but funny.
Cupgate! Hehe. Did Mikey have his willy in it? Can we view the tape? Bleurgh! Darnell handled that situation beautifully. Jennifer was extremely patronising.
Dale: 'Like panto... people on stage singing and dancing... I don't know what they call that.' Boy genius, so glad he was training to be a teacher.
I love the way Mario and Lisa talk to each other, the dynamic is so different to anything else in the house. It was like they were sizing Stuart up for a threesome.
Forcing them to stare at Beardy Brian Molko for an hour was beautifully cruel. I was impressed with some of their paintings, they were quite nice. Jennifer did have a face like thunder when Sylvia was presenting, I thought BB was making up that storyline but maybe not.
Kat: cookie, cookie, cookie... FUCK OFF. Choke on your fucking cookies, you two-dimensional imbecile.
Custard cream GATE (sick of all the gates now). Again, if BB showed us who took them, we could pick a side and invest some of ourselves in the row. As it was, it's just annoying. Luke was fucking me off too. Why is he having a go at Rachel for being 'nice'. People who are fake nice ARE annoying but Rachel just seems dull nice, like a goody two shoes, but that's OK. I don't think there's a hidden agenda there.
Sylvia vs Stuart in the diary room was cringy. Sylvia is TOO full-on. Her little attention-fest was pathetic. Jennifer dropping the bomb was poetic justice. Judging by the misty-eyed look on Sylvia's face minutes later, she hadn't got the hint.
Mikey's comedy was bloody awful and the opposite of funny, but does everyone have to be so sour and disgusted all the time? They are young people, when did they get so uptight?
Things I don't want to look at anymore: Jen's teeth.

Big Brother 9: Land of Luxury

More petty squabbles about food... dullsville! Jennifer: sour-faced bint. Rex wasn't being territorial about the girls. He was just making conversation. Sylvia: Mikey is blind, not deaf, don't tell him he didn't hear something when he did. It's also not eavesdropping when you overhear something unintentionally.
The only reason Sylvia was down was cos beardy gave her the brush off. Nothing to do with her boyfriend. I was impressed she admitted she didn't actually know herself. How awful, I can't imagine what that must feel like. No wonder she's all over the place. I notice she go back into bed with beardy again though, so the guilt was obviously quite fleeting.
Probably the worst BB so far this series. I felt like Mohamed looked watching it. Oh, but the top trumps with food labels was inspired, I wonder who came up with that?
NB. I am, however, enjoying Diary Room Uncut, they actually show the housemates having fun and larking about on that and you get to see some of the characters they almost never show. I enjoyed Darnell and Dennis swapping clothes especially.

Big Brother 9: Dripping Wet

I felt sorry for Mo tonight. Jennifer's suggestion for him to 'eat vegetarian' showed a complete lack of respect; he's not a vegetarian, he's a Muslim. Rex was being a bit of a div too- megalomaniac.
I hate Sylvia! She's a right troublemaker then pretends to be all innocent. At least Alex unapologetically nailed her colours to the mast. Sylvia was completely rude to Mikey and completely spoiling for a row. Mikey (plus horse) is a complete sour-puss, though. He's sleeping in the day and whining when people are making noise. You're on Big Brother, not in a nursing home.
Rachel permanently has a frown on her face, she's taking the weight of the world on her shoulders. I wish she'd just relax (or grown a fringe).
I know Rex, Mikey and Mario are going to be up next week and Mario will go. I don't want Mario to go! The majority of the group (Sylvia, Dennis, Dale (still not nailed any fanny), Darnell, Jennifer) are UTTER dullards. I don't want to look at them for another two and a half months (although I know I'll have to). I find Luke a little disappointing in group situations at times too. He's fun in the diary room, but a little duplicitous.
Poor Dale, crying because people hate him because he's just too good-looking. My heart is doing a Leona Lewis as we speak. His scunt was ridiculous, it looked like a sari he'd pilfered from somewhere. Also, stop sticking your tongue out. You look utterly gormless.
Stuart- mascara! Mascara and beards do not happy bedfellows make. He looks like Brian Molko with that mascara on. I find him physically repulsive. Dunno what the fuss is about. Had something gone on with him and Sylvia in the auditions? Personally I don't believe a word she says. Maybe she'll start behaving herself now to try and impress the new bloke. I feel sorry for her boyfriend though. Not exactly subtle jumping into the bath with beardy the first night.
Dale: 'The girls are all dripping wet... he's come in to slap a big dick in my face.' Charmed, I'm sure!
Jennifer in the bath rubbing her boobs and flashing her leg... subtle! Then Sylvia in bed with Stuart on the first night! She was giving off mad bunny-boiler vibes! 'I'm going to my bed now... give me a hug.' That was fucked. She just booked herself a one-way ticket home. Good!
I bet he's frightened for his life now. Cool, we need a Michelle Bass/Craig/Antony situation! Public humiliation is the best.

Big Brother 9: Hot Juicy Tea (blergh!)

I'm a day late but here's my verdict on the anti-eviction. Rex 'I've cooked from anything from thousands to four' (never a ready meal for one?) is the new enemy in town: 'I'm just giving them what they want' even though they don't actually want it. I still like him though. Kat- not as stupid as she looks, warning Rex to play it down a little. I suspect he won't listen. Everyone seems to like Kat in the house, good for them, but I think she's a div.
Mario: 'I'd be good at most things in here.' whilst Lisa fawns at his feet. Keep Mario in, he's endlessly entertaining.
I love the fact they overspent on the shopping by £102! Just a slight error: you couldn't get away with that in Tesco.
Rebecca in jail was funny but you shouldn't be allowed to write things in BB *solemnly remembers Nasty Nick and his note passing*. Jail doesn't seem that bad if you can have beer in it.
Straighters! YAWN. Is Sylvia in training as a mini-Alex? I feel increasingly sorry for Mo. And I find it highly unlikely that he asked her to pretend to be a celebrity couple, why didn't they show it? If she made that up, she's proper devious.
Mario and Lisa's voyeristic underwear-clad dancing to 'turn around, Bright Eyes.' (that's what is should be called) was so revolting it almost became good. I honestly felt like I might vomit. I can't even comment on the looking in the mirror/ arse-slapping/ custard-cream horrorfest. Their poor children! They are made for each other though, aren't they, a perfect pairing of cringeworthy vanity.
Alex interview: good, I'd glad she didn't do the whole Jade Goody-bullshit 'I'm so sowwy' card. I wouldn't have bought it if she'd been dabbing her eyes and apologising. You don't get over such severe cuntitis in the space of a couple of days. Davina went pretty easy on her; she was probably scared. Lovely to hear from you Alex, now just fuck off.
Now housemate Stuart. Awful beard, closet gay, 25 going on 40, probably quite obnoxious. Just what we need, a metrosexual scunt (scarf-wearing cunt). At least Dale looked annoyed because Jennifer looked a bit starry-eyed. I wish I could care but it would take a lobotomy.

Big Brother 9: So Solid Strong

Remember I told you! I love the fact that during Alex's tirade, no one even reacted to it in the slightest, except Darnell who thought she meant music hook-ups rather than gangsters. But she was a million percent threatening! Rex is right: the room did go cold when she walked in, nasty cunt. I'm too scared to blog now in case she gets her homies onto me! She's gonna pop a cap in my ass! Eek!
Rebecca's 5am half-asleep singing was pretty funny. Why was Darnell still up then?! Hardcore! I liked what he said about Rebecca seeming like trouble at first. I agree, she seems to have calmed down. I would like to have seen more of Rex singing!
Rachel: would you stand there whilst Alex calls you stupid? Because I wouldn't. Even so, Lisa was wrong to slag off Rachel. 'Obnoxiously nice' said Luke, and 'deluded' said the perfectly sane Mario. I know who I'd rather be stuck in a lift with.
I thought it was weird when Mario didn't want to talk about his kids, it's slightly unnatural. They probably don't like him either.
Kat: now totally fast-forwardable.
Dale: officially duller than the block of wood he smashed. That ridiculous drum roll was funny though. That wood looked like it was born to fall apart.
I loved it when Big Brother read her statement back to Alex, especially 'so solid strong' and 'remember I told you'. Big Brother didn't do context; it just read it as is. 'Isn't that a bit incriminating?' said Alexandra. And the answer was: yes. Bye bye. She wasn't sorry. She was just angry. She never crumbled, did she? No tears for Alex. Just anger. What a sad life. She wasn't born like that. Someone made her that way. I hope they are sorry.
Other thoughts: Luke loved reading that card out. Mario trying to look impassive after he found out he was safe. Michael spelt our P-R-I-C-K. Why?
So that's that. And yes the BB producers are culpable for putting such a damaged person as Alex in. But they stopped caring long ago.

Big Brother 9: Instrumental!

If like me, you peruse the digital spy messageboards for a bit of extracurricular BB goss, you'll know by now Alex has been ejected from the house (for threats to kill!) I'm only sorry she wasn't ejected from the planet, the thick cunt.
'You'll have my friends and family to answer to.' she told Mo. No he won't, you stupid fucker. But YOU'LL have the whole nation to answer to, so good luck, darling. Charley got a slap off someone, Grace got scarred for life, hopefully you'll get an upgrade on the pair of them. You're a disgrace to HUMANITY. I'm glad Mohamed stood up to her, as much as he could. She's actually made him seem quite interesting and a sympathetic character. You cannot argue with her, it's impossible. As if Alex would look up to him under any circumstances.
'How can I intimidate a grown man?' Easily. You're a menace.
Alexandra lying like Cleopatra in the bathroom! Don't awake the beast!
The moral of the story is: wearing a skirt- bad. Threatening to kill- perfectly acceptable. That's OK then.
I liked the Japanese task. I like karaoke and the decor and stuff. They should have made them do a Takeshi's Castle-style obstacle course. I liked Rebecca's stupid singing just because it was a bit of light relief. Even Alex made me laugh. At least they made her look like a dick before she went. PS. You don't sing the word 'instrumental'.
Loved Luke taking the mickey out of Mario's 'massive fanbase'. It was done with such style. But we're stuck with old Mazzer for another week and a half! Hey ho.

Big Brother 9: Paranoid Picnic

Nomination stations! I wish we could have seen them all. Lisa's was funny, 'maybe Jennifer is a bit jealous of me.' It's fairly unlikely, Lisa, you look like Xena the Warrior Princess thirty HARD years later. I was surprised a how FEW people voted Alexandra. Surely she should have had a clean sweep? Luke nominating Mario for patronising Mikey was perfect. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Dale: so thick he needs subtitles. He does have a bit of Jamie Oliver mouth disease, doesn't he? Like, like, like, like, like.
Why was Alex so annoyed about Mo dressing up as a woman? It was only a bit of fun, narky cow. He looked quite nice really. Mo's diary room conversation being broadcast over the loudspeaker was no technical hitch, that's classic BB trying to fuck with them. I half love it, half think it's pure evil. It's Mo's birthday! Give him a break. Him not being able to get his bra off was pure comedy.
Alex's 'we as Muslims' rant was PURE HYPOCRISY. She did not have a leg to stand on. DICKHEAD! Fuck off.
Quote of the night: Mo: 'If I want to cross dress, I will cross dress!' I like him, you know. He's alright. He kept that eyeshadow on a fair while, didn't he? Good on him, nothing wrong with a bit of harmless androgyny.
Alex- burn baby burn! You donkey.
At least it will be a good eviction this week between Alex and Mario. I really wish we could kick the pair of them out tomorrow.

Big Brother 9: Crisps! *excited*

Poor Mohamed, every time he puts food in his mouth, he's treated like a pariah. Alex's bathroom rant was SHAMELESS, can't believe she didn't shut it when Mohamed came in with the towels. She's unstoppable.
Make up horrors: Lisa's brown lipstick. I liked Mario dissing it, it reminds me of every relationship I've ever had. Men don't appreciate a garish lipstick, the fools. Jennifer: went to the Mikey-school of putting mascara on.
Crisp task! Wor-chester sauce! Hehe. Mmm, crisps. I couldn't stop myself eating them! Mario: 'can I just make a suggestion?' equals 'You'd better do this or else.'
Jennifer: crisp hater! If you hate crisps, you hate life. Damn you to hell, you don't deserve to live on this planet. Begone!
Oh dear: Tissue-gate! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Haha that was quite funny when he dropped his tissue in. Gross. Even I may have been deterred at that point. Also, how did Big Brother decide the results of the task? Did they have to relick them? I demand to know.
I can see why Dennis was annoyed at Sylvia, she did sell him out a bit the other night. She could have ingratiated herself with both sides without dragging Dennis's name into it.
Forehead watch: Rachel vs Alex- both giving Mario's buddy Ant McSixhead a run for his money. So what if someone called Rachel Mother Teresa? It's better than being called Satan, innit. It might have helped us as a viewer if they'd actually shown us who'd said it. (I'm guessing Alex)
The table meeting was dull as fuck- Alex: 'I'll say it to your face' equals 'I'm a rude fucker.' Mario cliche generator: 'you need to earn respect.' Zzzzz. They came across like a bunch of pathetic school kids.
So I guess the friendship is over between Sylvia and Alexandra. What a shame. But can Sylvia be redeemed in our eyes? I think it will take time for her to prove herself again.
Quote of the night goes to Luke in the Diary Room: 'if I was going to say something about someone I'd say it in here, behind their back.'
Loved BB thwarting Mario's attempts to get it on, they spoke for a nation in putting a stop to those shenanigans. 'Rocking off to sleep'! Is that what the old folk call it these days? Blergh!

Film Review: Teeth

Two films in one weekend? That's a big commitment if you're me and have the attention span of an idiot. I downloaded Teeth after hearing about it's 'unusual' storyline- namely that of a girl with a vagina that bites bloke's dicks off. Yummy!
So it was part horror/ part comedy. It was quite slow to start I thought (maybe a bit of dick-chomping action to kick off might have been nice) but once things started happening (in the cave!) it picked up. I liked the boyfriend! He was cute. But he got what he deserved! Hehehe. The special effects were pretty good, his severed penis looked extremely realistic (puke!)
I did want to SEE the teeth in the vagina, sick as I am. And why did she peel that sticker off the drawing of the fanny in her science book when she could have just looked at a diagram online?
There was a weird subplot with her brother (stepbrother, I hope) doing girls up the arse because he was scared of fanny (since hers bit his finger when he was little). He was a very unpleasant character, and not in the slightest bit realistic. But there you go. Why was he touching her bits in the first place? I definitely did NOT play tha game when I was a nipper.
It did raise some interesting questions. Why was virtually every bloke she encountered a rapist or sex offender (including her doctor!)? Are all men potential rapists? Was the film written by a radical feminist? It seemed a TAD harsh! But I must admit, it would be pretty cool to bite someone's dick off with your vagina. It is the ultimate self-defence.
Definitely worth a watch if you're not squeamish, if you are, I wouldn't want to be eating when she shags the ugly guy with the long hair. My eyes! That was revolting. I'd have nightmares about that if I was a bloke.
So yeah, vaginas and penises! Cool, if I put loads of sex words in my blog, I get loads more hits! *tags lots of naughty words*

Big Brother 9: Super(emely annoying) Mario

How's that for a pun? Eat that, Sun writers!
Mario! Now officially more infuriating than Alex. His vanity and arrogance know no boands. Why is he trying to manage everyone? I know you do it for a living, you fat-necked fuck. You're not at work now, you're on Big Brother. Relax!
The task was quite tedious. Mario going 'you said it' to Darnell when he'd said pretty much nothing was frustrating. Darnell seemed quite likable and vulnerable tonight.
And poor Mikey, stuck between Lord of the Manor Mario and the frigging triangle. We predicted that one. That waistcoat was uncalled for though, blind or not.
Dunno what Alex was on about with the Rex thing, I think she's mentally ill. Rex is a chef, he probably will criticise your cooking. Apparently Mo is perfectly capable of cooking OK, but hold up, Rebecca wasn't last week. Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E?
What the fuck was Lisa wearing, by the way? She looks like Barbie on steroids. That cap should have been burned in the 80s. And why does she never react to anything? It's driving me nuts.
Mikey pissed me off with what he said about Jennifer. Why is he so obsessed with her not dressing up? He can't see anyway. Plus there's a big difference between a snog and a shag (and Dale and Jennifer haven't even snogged! And so what if they did? It's hardly earth-shattering).
I was impressed with the fact that they were all onto Alex today: they are not such a stupid bunch this year. I liked Mo and Rex going twos up on a fag in the ashtray. Mo knows Alex was just trying to fuck with him and she failed. Good.
Mario vs Alex next week, surely? Come on, housemates. You know you want to.

Film Review: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

I'd been dying to see this as I loved Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies (or Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, as it was called in the US), a film solely about them getting stoned and going to buy a burger. And of course the premise of them escaping from Guantanamo was amusingly offensive, although actually it turned out to be a little confused.
I liked the fact that this film began right where the original ended, despite the fact Kumar looked like he'd put on two stone, and they both looked like they'd aged, well, about two years. The whole bong/ bomb premise was pretty funny, but they weren't actually IN Guantanamo for very long, were they? That security wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I found the detective guy sort of annoying but he was funny at times. The racial stereotypes that were parodied in the film was done cleverly, I enjoyed the basketball playing orthodontist.
There seemed rather more toilet humour in this sequel than the first film, and there is definitely a degree of sexism (the fanny party springs to mind) but they get away with it because they are just utterly likeable anti-heroes. I really liked the scene where they were younger and in the library- Harold looked hot as an emo-kid.
I thought it got slightly over-ridiculous when they went to that redneck's house and he lived in some slickly furnished place, but had a cyclops child in the basement (what?!)
I enjoyed the Doogie Howser unicorn bit, though. The end was ridiculously stupid (George Bush) and made me LONG to go to Amsterdam again!
I must admit, this wasn't as funny as the original film, and seemed directly ripped off from it in places, but really, it was just nice to have them back again.

Big Brother 9: Male, Female, Cats, Dogs, Whatever

BB was kind of annoying tonight. Endless obsessing over minor details. And whilst the real romance in the house was over before it began (Rex and Steph) we have to put up with the dreary courtship of Jennifer and Dale. Rex's girlfriend obviously spent her friday night wisely, speed dialling the number to evict Steph. But it was a shame, as she brought out an interesting side to him, and let's face it, most of the housemates have barely one side between them.
And so we're left with Lisa and Mario. Mario's soundbites for tonight: 'we're very popular people', 'we;ve got a fanbase', 'Ant and Dec better have voted for me', what you see is what you get', 'it's the cat sat on the mat' (what?!) and my favourite, 'the legend continues.' Urgh! Just way too smug. I'm sorry I ever said he was alright. He's not. And Lisa's fixed smile is getting on my nerves. They are in danger of drowning that house, just like Carole, the most controlling mother figure on earth, did last year.
It was interesting that Sylvia sought to distance herself from Alex, but I couldn't work out of she came off looking sensible or two-faced. I'm reserving my judgement. I don't think Alex will be if she finds out though. Sylvia's matchmaking attempt was also pretty ham-fisted.
Jennifer got WAY too much air-time tonight. I can't stand her. She's completely stuck-up and sour, and those ratty hair extensions are just revolting. She's like the world owes her a favour, flouncing off when Dale said he fancied her. It was interesting that the world's most gormless PE teacher said Rex got on his nerves sometimes; he's clearly jealous of Rex's power in the house (and the fact he is an articulate man). Jennifer continued to suck the fun out of anything and everything, with her and Dale's late night chat making Romeo and Juliet look like a fairytale romance.
Just snog him or don't! No one actually gives a fuck except you, you boring old bitch. You're a bit of fanny that he wants to nail. That's about all there is to it, so I wouldn't bother over-thinking it too much. If you want something with a bit more substance, try Luke.

Big Brother 9: Stephanie Evicted

What is Davina wearing? It's rankazoid.
NB. On the live feed today I heard Dale say 'On the sly I fancy indie girls'. Indie girls; you have been warned.
Jennifer: 'When Alex argues, it's funny.' Really? I must have had my funny-bone removed. Jennifer and Dale, this years Ziggy and Chanelle, except more shallow, have less chemistry than Ken and Barbie, and they're also considerably thicker.
Why did Lisa say she was a housemaid? Weird! She sits around with a very smug look on her face at all times, it's kind of annoying. NOTHING phases her.
Dunno why they played the Ting Tings to a bunch of chavs as they obviously didn't know it. Dennis's dance routine made me cringe.
And so Steph got the boot. Typical British public, ditch the pretty girl. I think I would have preferred it to be Mario after all. I mean I'd rather watch Steph snog Dale/Rex than Mario and Lisa rutting. Blergh. And that was a bit of a swizz with Davina doing the result from the studio, so the house couldn't hear the 'get Alex out' chants. Why should Alex get special treatment? She's a twat! Boo.
Aw Steph looked well nice when she came out. Hasn't she got nice teeth? She is stupid though; Mario was JOKING in the diary room about loving her. I quite liked the new studio.
So there's been a rumour on on digital spy that Mario and Lisa aren't a real couple either? And Davina did seem to be labouring on that point tonight a bit? Watch this space. Well, not this one. But the one on your telly.
But all in all... a pretty boring eviction. Bring on Alex. Bring on the baying for blood. Remember I told you!

Coronation Street vs Eastenders (both shit this week)

I know Eastenders was earlier in the week, but certain things need to be said. How can I not comment on the giant picture of HIMSELF that Christian had on the wall of his flat? Brilliantly narcissistic. Who does he think he is, Peter and Jordan combined?
Charlie trying to get with that woman was gross: that woman looked way too old for him, even older than Peggy. Also, when will the get rid of Stacey's mum? She is to my viewing pleasure what Alex is to my enjoyment of Big Brother. A big, fat ANNOYANCE.
Mad May is alright. Dawn's boyfriend makes me feel physically sick, especially when they try and sell him as a hunk. He looks like something you'd find under the bridge.
Also shit: Bradley and his boss/ Chelsea and her coke. Drugs are bad! We get it. And what was with Lucy's boyfriend? I couldn't work out if he was grubby or just very stubbly. Either way, who'd want to shag Lucy Beale? She's the female David Platt.
Which brings us onto Corrie. The writers are clearly drunk. How stupid is the storyline where Steve slept with Becky? Steve is besotted with Michelle, that would never have happened. Plus, do we have to see quite so much of Steve with his shirt off? I've just eaten.
Also, the whole precursor to that with the bookie knob-head in the cellar was a load of old rubbish too. I think the writers have gone on holiday and just left Carla's bloke with the poppy-out eye in charge of the scripts.
Sigh! Still at least we have the real life soap Big Brother to fill the hole.

Big Brother 9: Damaged Goods

Many years ago my best mate and me texted the big brother live feed thing saying the should give the housemates electric shocks in their beds to wake them up when we were bored in the early hours. Today that dream came true!
It was BRILLIANT watching the BB contestants getting zapped (seemingly up the arse) for the task. Are Big Brother actually allowed to electrocute them? Is there a health and safety issue there? Oh who cares, it was hilarious. And how funny that Alex was the first to crack. Remember I told you. Pathetic. Loving Rex. 'Rex is a bully and dictatorish...' Alex is projecting bigger than the fucking IMax screen.
If I was trying to do that task and everyone was sticking their oar in I'd have freaked. No wonder they lost. Too many cooks! I would deffo have shocked them one more time for luck at the end. Morons!
Dale punching the bed... aggressive. Kick him out. I can't stand aggressive men. It's intimidating. He's only aggressive because he's utterly inarticulate. Poor Dale can't stuff his face. Boo hoo.
There's such a bad atmosphere in the house at the mo, it's a bit depressing. I want a bit of fun and silliness, and a bit of romance, like real romance, not that fake shit between Dale and Cheryl Tweenie. All the regional accents are really grating too. (racist!)
Dennis crying in the ashtray whilst Alex barked like a dog must have been a great comfort to him.
Sylvia and Luke reminiscing about food was a moment of lightness. But it was literally one moment.
Alex: please grow up. Someone using your cigarette lighter is not a violation. We can see you're hurting but you can't heal yourself by ripping up everyone else.

Big Brother 9: Cookiegasm

Cookiegasms are gross. Is there crack in those cookies? Kat is uber-annoying. BUT I too like those big, squidgy cookies. Yum. But really, Kat you've had enough cookies.
The editing was poor tonight! I couldn't work out how half the arguments started. They got through the meeting unscathed though which I was surprised at. It made me laugh when Mario was talking about trip hazards. The expression 'trip hazard' pretty much makes my day. He pulled out the old Mikey card again, too! He's shameless.
Now I want to discuss the rules being broken. On launch night Davina clearly said smokers could only smoke in the designated smoking area with their feet inside the ashtray. I have seen them smoking with their feet OUTSIDE the ashtray, and I've witnessed Rex walking off smoking! When are they going to be jailed? BAD Big Brother. Jail them!
Actually, don't jail Rex cos he actually stood up to Alex and called her a hypocrite.
I didn't like that row between Darnell and Jennifer, despite not knowing how it started. I don't like either of them and I especially didn't like him punching the air as if he was going to punch her, there was something threatening about that which made me feel quite uncomfortable.
Dennis: idiot. Mario: idiot. Moaning about two girls in their underwear is a bit rich when he's lying there in his underpants. Dick.
Jennifer- no self worth. She shouldn't be ashamed of that body: she's got a good figure. No one should make her feel bad about it. But how weird that Alex was suddenly kind and sympathetic? I didn't like that! I want my villains black and white please. The grey areas are unsettling.

The Apprentice: Final

'I'm not conflicting against you' sounds like the kind of thing Alex from BB would say. i.e. moronspeak!
So Lee and Claire invented a man's scent called 'Roulette' which was the height of tackiness. Apparently it was for the kind of man who 'waxes his balls'. A masochistic knob-end then. For some reason Lee got confused and thought he was making a porno instead of an advert for the perfume, 'Look into his eyes... you've wanted him for years... feel your lips move towards him'. Christ. I felt like I needed a cold shower after all that. So yeah, basically Lee buggered it up royally.
Helene also folded under the pressure, becoming increasingly grumpy and useless. Alex actually did alright despite appearing confused between what a Duel is and what Dual means. For some reason they didn't show Claire for the first half hour then she came out and said her perfume had 'sensual animal notes'. Eh? That can't be a good thing whatever way you look at it.
Alex should have admitted he didn't design the bottle! It made him sound like a right snake when he ducked out of it. But they STILL should have won the task, people were openly laughing at the roulette product. It's a stitch up! STITCH UP! Sugarlumps wanted Claire to win from the start. I wrote this sentence before she even won because it was so BLATANT.
Oh. Ok then, Lee won but he shouldn't have, he sucked! Back to reverse pterodactyl school for him. Booo. I actually warmed to Claire in the end. But she's still smug as a bug in a rug.

Big Brother 9: Ever-Ready

'You'll never be ready.'
And after knickergate came chipgate. When is Alexandra going to be thrown into the BB prison (or better still thrown out on her ear)? The rage inside me as she ranted on and on- I haven't felt this way since Jade/Charley. I've never seen anything so offensive in my life. I don't know what annoys me more: the fact BB do bugger all about it, or the fact no one dared stand up to her. The men in particular proved themselves to be pathetic, swineless spines and should be ashamed of themselves. This is the face of the kind of person who would look the other way as you got stabbed on the tube. We have a house full of people like that. Alex is the classic school bully and a complete and utter CUNT and one day I hope she learns to read and reads this. I don't care if it's twenty years from now, you'll still be a fucking stupid, boorish, ignorant, ugly, nasty, pathetic piece of shit. The world would genuinely be a better place without you.
So at least we should give Steph a bit of credit for trying, even if she did get called 'thick' and 'simple' for her troubles. Can you imagine if someone called Alex that? Please, just imagine for a minute. The irony is, all they need to to is do it. All they need to do it tell her to go fuck herself and she's lamp them and then be removed. Problem solved.
Other observations: Mario and Lisa (dressed as a stick of rock) in the diary room- gross. What an exhibition. All that was missing was the tripod. Sylvia: has been utterly dragged down by Alex. There's one idiot limpet every year and she's decided it should be her. Shame. Dennis- vile. Dale and Jennifer's love affair: officially less sexy than watching paint dry, although he did manage one entire sentence today (he struggled a bit though). Darnell telling Mikey he wasn't a nice person just because he was blind- hehe.
There definitely aren't enough likeable people in the house... or in the absence of likable, funny would do. I'm almost hating everyone, even Luke. I like Rachel but dear God, please get a grip. All it would take is three of you to stick together and dethrone Alex from her cunt-stump.
i know it's gonna happen someday... but I wish it was sooner rather than later.

Big Brother 9: Disability Chic

Let's get one thing straight. The argument in the kitchen was not about Michael. The only person who dragged him into it was Mario, who is trying to be so PC he's coming off like Richard Madelely patronising a dwarf times a thousand. Mikey must be torn: it's obvious that he must dislike Mario, but Mario helps him around the place so he has to keep him onside. It was awful when he cried: it must be so confusing for him being in that house. It's bad enough when you can see the bloody thing.
And so the wedding, which like all weddings became boring after about ten seconds, but the discussions surrounding it seemed to go on for an eternity. I can't believe Alexandra actually objected; I'd also like to object to her disgusting forehead and face like a slapped arse.
I hope Steph goes: she made bugger all effort in the task. Lisa conducted herself with brilliant dignity, she genunely seemed bemused by it all and I loved it when she grabbed the bouquet. She IS a big girl though, isn't she? As is Rebecca, who had a Goody/Kinga moment in the garden, but it didn't have the shock value of either. The resident fat bird taking off her clothes is almost obligatory now.
On my boring list: Jennifer (so boring it took me ten seconds to remember her name), Mo, Dennis.
On my borderline boring list but might do something interesting: Darnell, Sylvia
On my shit list: Alexandra
On my 'these people are vaguely human' list: Mario, Lisa, Luke, Rex, Rachel
Mikey is a weird one; but his presence in the house does bring out interesting things in people (Rachel for example, is masterfully kind without being patronising), Rex I think I like but I've not seen enough of, and Dale? Is he trying to catch flies with that mouth? You can see his brain clicking into gear about forty years later than anyone else. God help them when they have to do a task, they'll spend a weekend explaining it to him. And for god's sake, don't let him write the shopping list; it'll read: Nuts magazeen, beer, sossiges... and that's before the adding up takes place. Thank God he's not being let loose on our unassuming children.
I think it was quite telling when they found out the results of the task and cheered that their fellow housemates were up for eviction: you don't normally get that on the UK BB, it's normally pussyfooting around and 'oh, it should have been me.'
So yeah, this lot are grasping, selfish bastards, basically. Hurrah!

Big Brother 9: Knickergate

Ok so the wedding twist was alright at first, but it just became all consuming, to the detriment of actually getting to know the housemates individually. I understand why BB wants to engineer storylines, but really the people are the storyline.
Kat- ANNOYING! How can she be one of the favourites? I swear she was putting it on a bit in the diary room.
Poor gormless Dale: You could almost see the birds twittering round his head when Sylvia was talking about escaping from the war. He was probably thinking 'Boobies!' That conversation was WAY over the head of the average Big Brother contestant; Alexandra for example, seemed to think having a sore throat was a human rights issue.
The hen party was horrific. What were they all screaming about? I was praying Rebecca wouldn't strip. Why does Michael shout all the time? I'd need earplugs in that house.
Knickergate was ridiculous: it was a stupid thing to do, but it's a pair of knickers for God's sake, they could only cost about a fiver max. Alexandra was unbelievably horrible: and she's got a daughter? She's a disgrace to humanity. I'm glad Mikey took down her name at the end. She is a piece of work, I think she's actually LESS charmless than last years rent-a-rude-girl Charley. Mikey should not be given special treatment because he's blind if he's being a wanker, but he wasn't really.
I was DESPERATE for someone to stand up for him at the end, but the sheep refused to bite. Rubbish!
Oh Alexandra... you're heading doorwardly ASAP. And not soon enough, you absolute cunt.

Big Brother 9: Stuck To Me Like a Leech

I'm liking Big Brother! Which is good, because normally the first week is quite annoying. I think the twist is really good, and is showing people's personalities up quite well. Mario, for example, seems like a decent, good-humoured guy (even if he does struggle to get the lid off his deodorant). Also, Lisa, who presumably was meant to behave like a deranged harpie has dealt with the whole situation with extremely good grace. In fact, the only person coming out of it badly is the idiotic Steph.
The proposal was brilliant. Lisa: 'I'm so shocked.' I bet! The way Steph and Mario argued in the diary room after it was like they were already a married couple. Steph was acting like a child, Mario dealt with her very well, I enjoyed him taking the mickey. It's not THAT hard to give him a peck on the lips and sleep on the other side of the bed to him. Engaged couples don't normally sleep separately. If they are put up for the chop, which they certainly should be, Steph should definitely go for being a sulky bitch, and basically blowing the story by going 'I don't like him that much.' She only has to lie til Sunday! Having said that, if they think they are actually getting married, and agreeing to it, they are grasping fools.
I was pleased the other housemates were onto them as it proves they do have a braincell between between them, at least. Surely the task is over now though?
Luke is my definite fave: how tiny did he look in that diary room chair? Why does Rebecca want masking tape? 'Maybe it's to put over her mouth.' Oh yes. Give that man a round of applause. You always need one contestant who's good for one liners.
I can't make my mind up on Michael: he's quite amusing, but his accent is proper annoying. Dale and Sylvia: getting cosy?
All in all, a good start to BB. Let's hope they keep it up.

Big Brother 9: Unhumane

I'm doing a blog as I go along! They are the most fun (for me!) but the worst written (no jokes whatsoever) so I apologise.
Complaint. Why do they have to make us watch so much of what happened yesterday. It's OK for watching some of the micro expressions you missed first time around but that's about it. Such as Luke looking pissed off when a gay man entered the house. And Lisa looking fucked off about Steph touching Mario.
It made me cringe so bad when everyone went 'awww' when Michael entered the house. It's kind of sad the way everyone patronised him, but also mildly lovely too, how they tried to work out how to respond to him. Give it a week and they'll be telling him to go fuck himself.
Sylvia interests me, she doesn't look like a Sylvia. She could be cool or evil. I ge a Makosi vibe from her (eek!) Alexandra is particularly annoying and has a horrible face. She's my most hated! Rachel I think could go far and is pretty. Quite liking Rex but lost respect for him when he showed off his glittery hood. I can't stand vain men. Rebecca might have 'corned beef legs' (Nikki Grahame said this on BBLB) bu at least she's not so anorexic she had to have a tube shoved down her throat and made herself infertile, which is presumably preferable in her warped world. Apart from that, Rebecca IS a fucking dick (and she likes The Enemy- zzzzz)
IT'S DARNELL! (and he is the whitest boy alive)
How suspicious is Steph?! I don't like her already. And I wanted to, I really did. Her bullshitting about Mario was quite impressive though. I think I quite like Mario in a way. He was taking care of Mikey loads and it seemed genuine. I don't know why everyone likes Kat so much, she's a bit annoying, but funny as well. But I could go either way on her. (How did she get lost in the Big Brother house? It's not exactly Labyrinth is it?)
Mohamed: 'Is Lisa a woman?' Hahahaha.
I wouldn't want to sleep with a snoring Mario either. Unless it was Super Mario. And even then, I'd rather do Toad. (as if, Toad is totally gay)

Big Brother 9: Launch Night

'We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're Northern, it makes it even worse...' And thus, they stuffed the BB house full of Northerners, foreigners (daily mail alert!) and a couple of people with impediments for good measure. And then the crowd with racists and homophobes. Perfect!
So first things first. The house looked really good, I liked the luxury bedroom and the diary room chair. Davina was the same. And the twist (splitting up the couple and making Mario pretend he was dating Stephanie) was actually good, which was a start. So onto my rash snap judgements all of which are true for today and expire in about 24 hours.
Excuse the capitals, but there doesn't appear to be an option for bold on this wanky old Mac.
MARIO & LISA... Sleazy Sylvester Stallone with big ears. Boobs. Looked like a pair of doggers. I didn't really see the point of them until the twist came in. I thought for one scary moment they were going to put ALL couples in... that would have sucked.
LUKE... Bat ears. Booed back at the crowd which was a good sign. Extra brownie points for saying 'Am I the child?' when the twist was announced. My favourite.
STEPHANIE... generic wannabe WAG type, but I thought she didn't seem toooo bad. Felt a bit sorry for her when she got teamed up with the slimy Mario. And Lisa will obviously hate her, but it's not Stephanie's fault BB is a bitch. My guess at the twist was that they were going to make Luke and Stephanie pretend to be a couple, which I think may have made better TV to be honest.
RACHEL... admitting you're annoying does not mitigate you. She got on my nerves almost instantly. However, later on she was looking out for Michael so I warmed to her a little.
DALE... 'If there's any fanny in there, I'm going to nail it.' Clearly the feminist quote of the night. Redeemed himself slightly by saying 'I'm a PE teacher but I can't stand kids.' Amusing. Annoyingly good-looking, but clearly a twat with little legs and the only person to preen in front of the mirror as he went in. It was so obvious he was sent in there to be Ken to Steph's Barbie.
SYLVIA... Rude girl! Nice dress. Interesting face. Hard to judge but I'm suspecting she's going to fall into the bitchy harpie category.
DENNIS... and here we have your gay cliche for the night! Looked like a Who from Whoville. Pranced into the house to the sound of homophobic booing. Least likely to get along with Dale, I'd hazard a guess.
MICHAEL... welcome to your Pete Bennett style everyman with a heartbreaking affliction. Will he win because he's blind? Not unless he's cool. Mentioned Super Mario Kart, so he's already won my heart.
ALEXANDRA... another black girl with attitude, BB is obviously keen to dig up Charley's bones. But there's only one Charley. And you'll never find a bigger cunt than that. Alexandra got badly booed (racists!) but didn't help by generally pouting like a twat. Most likely to befriend Sylvia and slag off anyone remotely ugly.
REX... Good opener with 'Most people don't like me'. Gay dad! Ginge. Bizarre hair, it was like a little hat or something. It was obvious that he and Dale were going to chum up and wank off about expensive jeans or something. Zzz. Might be an interesting character if they don't go down the 'jungle cats' route, or even worse, the Anthony Hutton route.
MOHAMED... Afro... white trousers... I literally cannot think of anything else to write about him. he left no impression whatsoever.
REBECCA... I said Vicky Pollard before they did, but she was also a bit Beth Ditto-ey. I actually thought she looked quite good in that dress and her entrance was funny, but she had Shabnam written all over her with the screaming. If she doesn't befriend Dennis, I'll eat his stupid little hat.
DARNELL... american albino. He looked paler than me! I like albinos, they are interesting to look at. The jury is out on him, I haven't made up my mind.
JENNIFER... pretty. Obnoxious views. Very thin- how did she ever give birth?
KATHREYA... cookie monster. What an outfit... Pink wedgie and ginger spice's old shoes. I thought it looked like she had a willy when she was going downstairs, so you heard it here first if she turns out to be a geezer. Bet she teams up with Rebecca and Dennis in the 'assorted freaks' section.
And that is pretty much it. I didn't feel let down like I did last year on opening night, and there's quite a good mix of characters. Could have done with a cute guy who wasn't a complete bell-end, but hey... that's life. I think having someone blind in there will be a good barometer to sort the good from the evil and the kind from the exploitative. Surely it will be hard for him to get used to all the different voices, and imagine having to rely on that lot to take you to the toilet.

The Apprentice: Climb the Greasy Pole

Interviews are horrible. if someone asks you to do an impression of a reverse pterodactyl (I didn't know it was spelt like that either) and then moans at you when you do, what are you going to do? I just tend to think the person who asks you is a cunt.
And so, the final five. I thought Lucinda did quite well in the interviews, she kept her cool well, unlike Alex who on finding pouting didn't work, went a bit red and looked like he was going to nut someone. It's not a good idea to get angry with the person interviewing you, Alex. I know it's hard work being beautiful, bless you.
Claire, Claire, Claire. Someone at work dared to claim she 'wasn't smug' the other day. Not SMUG? She's smugger than Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Richard Madeley combined. I was not surprised to learn she used to be a holiday rep, she has that exact patronising insincerity down to a tee.
Lee... I just can't warm to him. He is just your typical Nuts/football/lager-with-the-lads tosspot that I spend my life trying to circumnavigate. Was it bad he lied on his CV? Yes. But I guess thick people have to.
Helene... she probably would work hard at the job. How boring.
Alex came across as a prize grass at the end when he dobbed in Lucinda for being flaky about wanting the job. I was amused when he described himself as a 'partially painted canvas'. What a wanker. Just pout and shut it!
And so in a final twist Alan only sent Lucinda home rather than three of them as promised. There doesn't seem to be much between them... but I suspect Claire will get it. Frankly, by next week I won't give a FUCK because of BIG BRUVVVVVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't bloody wait (until they make a total pig's ear out of it, as always).

Derren Brown: An Evening of Wonders

So for my birthday on Friday night (30 May) for my pressie I was taken to see Derren Brown at the Garrick Theatre. Yes I am obsessed with Derren! I'll be glad to be on his side when he's running the show, believe me.
I went to see his last show as well, back when he was straight. I guess that one was more spectacular in a way, what with him stopping himself breathing and stuff, but this one was just as good, really, in a different way.
One thing I noticed that I didn't notice last time was the massive amounts of nodding Derren was doing, he was like a little nodding dog. He does nod a bit on the TV but this was ridiculous. It's annoying that he's just putting stuff in your head and you don't know why. Annoying, but good.
There seemed to be a hot and cold theme to the night, Derren kept dropping 'warm' and 'cold' into the conversation and sniffing and saying he was ill (yeah, right). Then in the interval it got massively boiling and freezing again. The weird part of all of this was it was never explained, so I can only presume he was just fucking with us. Naughty Derren. I liked it at the end of the show last time I saw him where he showed you how he did some of his tricks, but he didn't give us his secrets this time. Aw.
I won't ruin the show too much, but it was good fun and mind-bending as usual. There was one bit where Derren basically appeared in a monkey suit from nowhere- does he have a twin? I was looking at him on the other side of the stage one second before. The bit where he rang this guys friend was highly amusing (mainly when he made the guy ask his friend what he was wearing and he replied 'trousers, why, what are you wearing?' The trick he did with him was pretty good.
The only bit I didn't like that much was the table tipping because it dragged a bit, but it was impressive when it floated (allegedly!)
The mind reading at the end was particularly ace, I liked the fact that he knew some guy had called him a wanker just from looking at the initials on the envelope. How did he guess one woman had a fear of dressing gowns? How?! One things for sure, psychics are liars. One other thing is for sure, I want to learn cold reading! It's so impressive. Derren is God. He might as well be.
How did Derren have what was going to happen in the show (and what people were wearing) written in a locked box at the top of the stage? The answer is, he couldn't, of course. But he did.
And for that, I salute him. Why are all my idols gay?