Christmas Viewing/ Watching/ Reading (but not eating)

Well as usual, TV was pretty crap, but that should be of little surprise. I haven't watched what was probably he best thing on TV Harry Hill's TV Burp because it clashed with Eastenders. I have sky plussed it though and will watch it later tonight. I'm sure it was the best thing on.
So was Eastenders worth watching instead? Well, finally, for two episodes, it was. After the longest build-up in history, the Max/Stacey affair was finally revealed. Having them all discover it at once via the DVD was genius. It's a shame the child who plays Lauren couldn't act. She was unable to show emotion on her face, and was completely out-acted by her little sister, the annoying one with the guinea pigs, who normally breaks into song every five minutes. Luckily, everyone else involved acted pretty well for once and the fall out was all exactly what I wanted to see as a viewer, although perhaps not on Christmas day (slit wrist with your turkey?)
Will Bradley take Stacey back? Probably! Bless him. Max proved himself to be as evil and selfish as expected. Boo! Unfortunately yesterday we were back to all the usual dross, with Parklife, Stephen (Didn't Go To) Acting School Beale, and Ronnie and Roxy (with her My Little Pony hair and frowny forehead). Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Give Phil Mitchell a new year drink, for fuck's sake.
Coronation Street wasn't quite as good as Eastenders, but I enjoyed the whole christmas present mix up and a good old festive beating. The question is, would ANYONE put up with Rosie's personality, no matter how good looking she is?
Deal or No Deal is normally pretty good over Xmas but instead of doubling the money, they decided to ruin Christmas by making it a charity thing. Zzzzzzzzz! I don't want to hear your sob story at Christmas. It's too depressing if they're dying and then they lose. It's just cruel! I was quite disappointed. No doubt they couldn't afford to double the money now they aren't rinsing it out of us via the phone-in competition.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoyed Love Actually again, but perhaps inspired by this my mum made me watch Serendipity which was fucking awful! How unlikeable are Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack in it? I wanted to punch the pair of them. Just the word 'serendipity' makes me want to crush my own fingers with a a hammer rather than ever hear it again. Piss off. I was rooting for their girlfriends and boyfriends in it, as the leads were a selfish, smug pair of twats.
Just about the only other decent thing on at Xmas was Extras, which was the final ever episode. Quite an odd one this, as I watched it early with my boyfriend (we downloaded the US version as it was on earlier). Apart from some very strange American references in it (Kramer and Ryan Seacrest instead of Jade Goody and Same Difference- I mean, do Americans pander to us like this? I don't think so) I really, really enjoyed it. It's not laugh out loud funny, but Ricky Gervais' social (and emotional) commentary is always spot on. The cameos are alright, but they don't make it. I loved the Big Brother stuff, of course. I watched this again at my mums when it was on BBC1 and it went down like a dodgy mince pie. No one laughed once except me and everyone complained that it was boring and not funny. So I think it will probably split opinion and get slated in some parts. But Ricky is still the best.
Oh and further to them making the references more American in it- what's the point when half the jokes are around 'Barry off Eastenders', Dean Gaffney and the Carphone Warehouse? I find it quite patronising.
Oh, I also watched I Am Legend over the Christmas period and it was very enjoyable, up until the point... oh, I'd better not ruin it, should I? But yeah, you'll know what I mean. Is it a zombie overload in moviedom yet? Or do we still like them? I think I still like them a little, and Will Smith is OK, despite the ears.
Oh and I read a book over Christmas that my best mate lent me, which is the first book I've finished in fucking yonks. I've been reading Morrissey: The Albums for 6 months. But I read and finished The Illumination of Merton Browne, by Justin Shaw, which was a tale of a chav who liked to read (a lot) and is somehow incredibly loveable despite him being up to all sorts. It's very easy to read, which is lucky, because I'm lazy. It would make a good film, probably, which is what my mum always says about my stories. So yeah. Read that.

Review: Patrick Wolf Live at Shepherds Bush Empire

Oh yes. The last time I was in Shepherds Bush empire it was to see my OTHER gorgeous jug-eared songwriting-genius Conor Oberst. But tonight it was our very own Patrick Wolf, doing a homecoming/ Christmas gig after a year which saw him splashed over just about everything and probably physically exhausted. We arrived very early (about 6.40) and already the queue was enormous. We were quite surprised, we thought the Bright Eyes turn-out would have been better (I don't know why, I always think Patrick Wolf is quite cult, but I guess he's not anymore).
As is par for the course for the gigs we go to, the queue consisted mainly of 16 year old girls so we felt very old. Still, it's not enough to make me start liking something shit so I'll grin and bear it.
We queued for YONKS and eventually got in, standing, about three rows back from the front. We were quite lucky at first because we seemed to have 25 girl midgets standing in front of us. The atmosphere appeared to be one of serenity, with them administering glittery dandruff on each other and blowing bubbles. It was like Spongebob and Patrick's wet dream. I though we were in for a quiet, relaxing night. But not so.
For the first half hour Patrick performed an acoustic set, which was lovely. He looked AMAZING (see our photo!) and had a fabulous blackbird in his hair like a hat. I also like to wear a bird in my hair at Christmas, so I'm clearly on the ball.
I was a bit annoyed at first because a lot of people were joking and talking through the first song which was pretty annoying, but they actually stopped after that. Some of the songs I didn't know, but I love hearing new stuff from him live and hearing him play the piano. He also played Wolf Song and The Marriage and Bishi came on looking very cool.
It was in between this mellow set and his main set that the trouble started, with the crowd becoming really busy and lots of people pushing forwards. I really didn't think people would be that rowdy at Wolfy, it was a lot mellower at Bright Eyes. Unfortunately I suffer from claustrophobia in crowds, and it was getting a bit TOO crowded for me (we were very central). I literally couldn't move my arms or legs and certainly couldn't dance. The moronic girls behind singing fucking Disney songs didn't help (yeah bah humbug, I'm old, just pipe down).
Anyway, Patrick came back on and did Overture. This was the end of my time at the front, as the guy behind me's double whammy of virtually sticking his dick in my back whilst tunelessly bellowing in my ear was enough for me. I came to hear Patrick sing, not this spotty twonk (it's hard to believe people like this could be Patrick Wolf fans). But if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's if someone is annoying you at a gig, move. They are the only thing you'll remember otherwise. Not everyone is an inconsiderate prick.
I left my boyfriend behind and I worked my way backwards a bit, to the bar on the right hand side, which actually wasn't that far back. Here I treated myself to a double vodka and lemonade, breaking my usual no drink rule (I have a weak bladder!) I was great by the bar, I could still see a lot and I could dance. The best part was Patrick threw himself into the crowd and ended up right next to me! He seemed to have lost his shoes. I was reminded of the 'all crowd surfers will be removed sign' but I don't think it applied to Patrick as he is half-elf and can do what the fuck he likes.
Setlist highlights: Bluebells, Get Lost, The Lighthouse, Tristan, the Libertine. Also the two new songs Vulture and Hard Times sounded absolutely amazing. I can't wait to hear the studio versions.
Another great moment was when Patrick crawled up the speakers on the opposite side to me and was singing Bloodbeat and dropped in a bit of 'Bleeding Love' by Leona and 'Gimme More' by Britney. Patrick is such a diva! He also sported a very Who-ville style quiff when he came back on.
Before the encore I spotted my boyfriend again and went back into the thick of it (but not quite so near the front- whoever thought I'd be pushed out of a Patrick Wolf moshpit?) Patrick seemed somewhat tiddly when he returned and was dressed as a giant Santa Claus/ snowball/ bauble. God bless him. He did a flawless version of Accident and Emergency and then a fantastic Boy Like Me (two dogs, two cats, a big kitchen and a welcome mat!). It was great because we were closer but there was still room to dance, and a really good atmosphere, unlike earlier when people were being knobs.
The finale of The Magic Position was brilliant, I loved the snow! The Magic Position is still the happiest song ever. The best lyrics. Patrick definitely seemed half-cut at the end, ramblingly introducing his band members and discussing the merits of the chicken shops of Shepherds Bush before going off to a couple of lines from 'Rocking Around the Christmas tree'. I would have loved one more song, but that's only because I'm greedy. He didn't play the piano so much and I love some of the piano-led ones like The Stars. But all in all, fabulous.
Any grumbles about the gig were to do with the crowd, not the Wolf. He is truly unique and very special, with a fantastic voice, incredibly versatile and puts on a very different, yet exciting show every time I see him. We are lucky to have him. It was a glittery, sparkling start to Christmas.

Film Review: Enchanted

Forgive me for not blogging much lately but I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Still, as most of my favourite activities involve my right hand (writing, internet and playing on the Wii, you pervert!) I'll soldier on briefly.
I thought the trailer for Enchanted looked like good fun. Weirder, Tookey (of Daily Mail fame), the only film-hating film critic on earth, gave it five so I was further intrigued, as normally he dishes out turkeys like he's Bernard Matthews.
I was a little worried at first, as I didn't find the cartoon bit at the start funny enough- self referential yes, but the Frankenstein's monster assortment of cutesy animals wasn't enough to whet my appetite. I also thought it might be a bit too twee for the men in the audience (sexist!)
I thought the film really kicked in when Giselle called on the rats and cockroaches to clean the house; that was a nice twist on the old Disney cliche. I thought the female lead Amy Adams was very good, and looked beautiful. I liked her line in princess dresses too, she looked worse when they did her up like a 'human'. I also liked the ridiculous dance routine in the park, and the general culture clash. I did not like the witch OR the chipmunk.
The ending was far too obvious- I know it's Disney, but they could have mixed it up a bit. Despite the token attempt at role reversal at the end, I thought this movie was as staunchly anti-feminist as any other Disney film. The moral of the story seemed to be behave, tidy up and get along with kids and you'll be happy.
Boo! They should have had her becoming a smoking, drinking harpie. New York should have broken her! Hmm, anyway. This is a good way to kill a couple of hours over Christmas but you'll learn nothing.

X Factor Finale: Leon!

I'm not going to gloat because I think Leon did pretty dire, however we jumped around the room like loonies when he won (as my boyfriend had a tenner on him... and won £140!) So I'm getting taken out tomorrow night! (well, to the Odeon and to KFC)
I'm glad the underdog won... I never liked Rhydian. Leon cruised through on his good looks n manky teeth. Good luck to him. Rhydian looked OK about it. I did think Leon sung the final song better and Rhydian will get a good job anyway. it could have been back to the shoe shop for Leon without this win. As for 'such nice people' Same Difference: I'm sure they'll get singing jobs, one way or another.
On Xtra Factor Rhydian looked proper gutted which warmed my heart. He couldn't even pretend to be happy for Leon(a). I guess it just goes to show that you need to be likeable as well as professional. Leon was 3rd favourite to win at the start of the night.
Anyway- I'm super hammered. Fearne needs to cut her fringe. Much love to Mr Blister. This is what happens when you support Arsenal. ;-)

X Factor: The Final (Like Rabbits Caught in the Highlights)

Ok I'm smashed because I've been playing my own X Factor drinking game (at the last minute we added in any cliche which proved deadly). But here's the news anyway:
It was a rubbish final. SD 1st song: strange child elf... the chritmas tree lights didn't go on when they were meant to. Louis decided to shuffle some papers. What papers were they? I have no idea. Altogether cheesy as fuck. But good news, there was more than 10 people on stage with Same Difference for each song. Distraction! (And drinks)
Leon 'dark horse' sang White Christmas, which was rubbish- he should have sang Last Christmas instead. He would have smouldered. Bland bland bland. Boo.
Rhydian's super white Nazi-youth (white angel) hair looked good. The first song was shit. I hoped he'd stand up with dirty knees after he knelt on the floor. And he dragged out the children's choir! Gimmick. They lit him as if he was Jesus. God damn.
Did you notice the roving reporters? Rhydian gets Myleene (not Welsh but quite well liked). SD get Jade Goody's ex. And Leon gets some cunt I used to go to school with! What the fuck? How unfair.
The next round saw the acts 'dueting' with some stars. SD got Jason Donavan, looking like a bug-eyed, Asda-brand Christian Slater. It was absolutely dreadful. I wish the judges could have commented and vomited all over it. Rhydian didn't fare much better. That woman sounded like she was gargling a boxful of frogs. 'So much charisma' WHERE??? Where is it fucking hiding? I can't see it.
Whilst watching Leon and Kylie, the Smiths lyric 'And death for no reason is murder' rattled around in my head. Kylie looked like she was wearing a lacy 'body' from dahn the market. Her face looked fucking melted. I once counted 50 Kylie posters on my wall when I was 9 years old, so I feel qualified to judge, and now when i see her I think, 'just go have children if you want them so much. Cos soon you'll be too old and all the sequins in the world won't be the same.' (Don't get me wrong, I hate children, but she's always bleating about wanting them. Seems to me she's more addicted to botox. Even Dannii's fitter than her these days.)
The 'auditonees' (read 'Losers') medley was just plain cruel. I hope that fat one tops herself tonight and the relatives sue Simon for all he's got.
And so finally. SD did High School Musical. Is it wrong to say I quite like that song? I enjoed Louis saying the looked 'like rabbits caught in the highlights'. He should know, the squinty little shit. Leon was just dreadful- he should have done the Westlife one. As it was, he sang (and I quote) 'the three blandest songs on the planet',
Rhydian was on last- well, what a surprise! After they lit him like the second coming earlier, it was obvious they were going to favour him to the end. he came on with his bow-tie unbuttoned like he'd just stood up to sing at a wedding. You should have doen Phantom, Rhydian! Or Freddie! Where was the glitter???
Anyway. Let's await the vote. And weep.

The End of The World Cult

This show was about the Strong City cult in New Mexico run by self-appinted messiah Michael Travesser (aka Wayne Bent).
'I have some news. The world will end on the 31st October 2007. Oh shit, that's been and gone. I guess I'm not the Messiah after all.' You think then the cult members would pack up and leave. But I guess they just pick a new date.
How do you convince someone to let you sleep with their wife? It's quite a trick. 'God wants this and God wants that.' Oh, Ok then. Here, take all my money, fuck my wife, abuse my child.
I'd like to call these people stupid, but it's something worse than that. Everyone in this show looked utterly lobotomised, waiting for death. No one smiled. How do you get people into that state? Were they once sentient? There was something other-wordly about them. How mentally beaten do you have to be to give over your children?
Michael told the children that then needed to be 'naked in front of God' so they agreed. Then he decided to hold them whilst this happened. This really is sophisticated child abuse, when the victim is implicit, when the victim thinks you're Jesus. God told him to lie down with seven naked virgins. The only mind-boggling thing is he admitted it on TV, and compared himself to a doctor. 'Doctors put their hands in women and think about sex.' Not if they do it 12 times a day. They are probably thinking about what's for dinner.
What sort of documentary did Michael think would be made about him? Did he think the film maker would agree with him when society didn't? Did he REALLY think it was the end of the world, and wanted to document his journey before then? But what would anyone care if we were all obliterated? I just don't get that part.
Then Michael's son Jeff admitted that 'God came down and forced Michael' to consumate with Jeff's wife. It was a terrible, strange act of God. He was astonished and so was Michael. Not half as astonished as Jeff's wife I bet. For fuck's sake. Wake up. His son couldn't even look up as this was discussed. Utterly depressing.
It was also terrifying that the children who's parents had come to collect them eventually ran back to Michael. He said he had sacrificed his life for them. Actually, they had just sacrificed their personalities.
So life didn't end on October 31st after all. Instead they just walked outside shouting 'liberty'. Oh well. At least they didn't top themselves. I think that's an 'at least'. Or is living for them somehow worse?
PS. Michael set a new date for the end of the world- and it is today. So if you thought the most exciting part of the night was going to be the X factor final, you may have a shock in store. Then again...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

I wrote this for my mate at the Rhydian fan site but I want my mates to get trashed too! Enjoy...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

Your drink of choice, but I suggest measures of one shot or one glass of wine, or one
pint of beer... warning, you will be absolutely HAMMERED by the end of this.

You must down your drink in one for any mention of...

'a journey...'
'you've come such a long way'
'that was a very safe performance'
'you'd better do better with your second song'
'the voting is really close'
'I think you're at risk'
'fabulous!'
'nailed it'
'owned the stage'
Simon saying any of the following...
'karaoke'
'cabaret'
'wedding'
'hotel'
'world class'
'100%'- one shot
'110%' two shots
'150%'- three shots
'a million/ billion/ trillion percent'- four shots- god help you.

Bonus drinks...

Any of the judges or contestants crying
Dermot crying
Simon alluding to Louis being gay
Louis alluding to Simon being gay
Dannii making an inappropriate whooping sound
Sharon mentioning her kids/ Ozzy
Kelly Osbourne in the audience
Louis dissing Dannii's pop career
Simon winking
Louis squinting
Louis mentioning Westlife
Simon stands up to applaud someone's act
Sharon dances to someone's act
Any past contestants spotted in audience
Any mention of Leona Lewis or Shayne Ward
Any of the judges commenting on the other's plastic surgery/ hair/ teeth
The acts being forced to perform a medley
Louis saying either Beverley or Niki should be in the final
Sharon saying 'I'm impartial'
Any mention of dead relatives/ poverty/ illness/ the awful jobs they will have to go back to

Specialist contestant section:

Leon
If he wears a waistcoat
Any mention of Michael Buble
If he clasps his hands together in prayer
If he mentions how he has to do it for his mum
If he shakes

Rhydian
If he wears something glittery
If they play 'Phantom of the Opera' music to introduce him
Any mention of Wales
Any judge saying 'we're looking at the winner'
If he does an overlong plea for votes and Dermot has to interrupt him

Same Difference
If they look longingly into each others eyes
If there are more than 10 other people on stage with them (distraction technique!)
Louis shaking his head in disgust whilst they are on
Louis saying anything about Butlins
Any mention of bullying
Any shots of their local working men's club

Disclaimer: I cannot be held accountable for any liver failure as a result of the drinking game.

The Secret (Asian) Millionaire

Oh yes. The only decent thing on TV at the moment. Hankies at the ready. Today followed Mo Chaudry who owns some water parks in Britain and has 60 million pounds. His parents moved from Pakistan when he was a child and he has basically disowned his Pakistani roots and married a white woman. He even looked quite white, really, with bluish eyes. Not that I'm accusing him of a Jacko style cover-up. He went to stay in 'the curry mile' in Leeds with the cover story that he was 'reconnecting with his Asian roots'. Which of course is what he ended up doing. I was surprised he admitted to being prejudiced about his own community. Not something you hear that often.
The millionaires always go and stay in some flat that looks like the kind of flat that I'd live in and go 'ERGH!' Hey ho. He then went and got a job as an assistant at a gym. He also helped out at the local radio station and someone rang up and abused him for marrying a non-Muslim. Charming.
One thing that annoys me about these millionaires is they are always like 'I did it, so why can't you?' Don't they understand you have to have a hell of a lot of luck to become a successful business person? Fair enough, they've grafted, but it's not like everyone could do it, or everyone would, wouldn't they? Some people don't know how. Some people have other hopes and dreams. it's not that simple.
There was something less heartwarming about this weeks show than normal. The causes didn't seem as worthy. The shop radio guy- like I care. He only trusted you cos you had a fuck-off camera with you. Aw- the 'brothers' comment nearly made me crack though. I wish white people had some sense of solidarity or community. Or do I? I don't know.
I felt like Winston (the gym guy) and his girlfriend were almost begging for money from Mo, something people never normally do. Had they sussed him? But I did cry at the final hurdle when Winston cried. He was speechless.
You got me. You always do. Next week I want to cry from about halfway through though.

Sex In The Noughties: The Sex Blog Girls

God, it is an offense to the eye and mind to write the word 'noughties'. Have you ever heard this decade described by a human and not written by a journalist as that? No, because it sounds ridiculous. This is a faceless decade, and the sooner we're in the tens, the better. Hold on, the tens sounds shit, too.
Anyway, I digress. I decided to watch this programme about girls who like to write about their sex lives in their blogs. As you may have noticed, my blog isn't about the intimate details of my love life, and for that, you should be truly thankful. The show featured Zoe Margolis (pseudonym Abby Lee), the writer of the infamous 'Girl with a one track mind' blog. If I have a one track mind, it's for crappy TV. I can't really relate to these sex-obsessed women, and I feel kind of prudish about the whole subject, to be honest. I can't say I ever check out bloke's packages. Ever. I just see if they've got nice eyes. God, I'm boring.
Sex is a feminist issue for women though; and Zoe is right: women should be allowed to talk about their sex lives on the exact same playing field as men. Women should be able to have sex if they want and not be labelled a slut, whore or slapper. It is one of the most obvious differences between men and women that there is no male word for slut, and if there is, then it's something to be proud of, a player, a cad. Why don't women get a slap on the back for the phone numbers they pick up of a night, rather than whispered about?
Personally, I find neither men nor women shagging around indiscriminately interesting or entertaining. I'm too squeamish to read about it. I've never gossiped with my friends about sex. I couldn't even watch Sex in the City. I think I am a stereotypical uptight English person. I think sex is between two people and that's it (how conservative am I?!) But I defend to the death womens RIGHT to talk about whatever they want and to not be judged (even if it makes me cringe).
Jessica Cutler was an American anonymous sex blogger, sleeping with six guys. Her work found out who she was and sacked her! Why!? What has it got to do with her job? It's just because they don't like women, especially not sexually adventurous ones.
On the back of this, journalists back home tried to trace 'Abby Lee' and also the prostitue sex blogger Belle De Jour. To show them up, basically, because they are naughty woman who shouldn't be talking about sex (just taking it).
I really liked the aspect of sex blogging involving taking back the power from women's magazines, and the fact that the things individual women are into are not the things we are told to like. How often to women's magazines talk about men and women being either dominant or submissive in bed? It's always just ridiculous, unworkable techniques and recycled ideas from the 60s. I like the freedom of expression and not towing the party line.
It was really interesting that Zoe's book got published and none of her family even knew about it. What a secret! There is something extremely sick and masochistic about the tabloids 'unmasking' her. If they treated women as humans in the first place, perhaps she wouldn't have had to publish the book anonymously. It was not in the public interest to out her. They are just cunts. I felt sorry for her that she couldn't write about it anymore. It must have been very liberating.
I wish an agent would spot my blog and give me a book deal. But I'm nowhere near kinky enough!

America's Next Top Model

This is for Andy and Kellie, as at least I know they've been watching it.
So it's the penultimate week. The girls left are Dionne (pretty vacant), Renee(demonic Zoe Ball lookalike), Jaslene (horse-faced borderline drag-queen whom they almost never show- so she aint going to win it) and my favourite Natasha, (pillow-lipped mail order Russian bride). The others hate Natasha because she's better looking than them, and has no inhibitions. Oh, and because she's foreign. It's ugly when people gang up and Natasha took it very well. Personally, I just want to see what Natasha's husband looks like.
I hate Renee because she has no soul. She has already dragged up being poverty-stricken and being abused to garner sympathy. Did you see her grasping for the jewels when she won the challenge? She has no heart. Dionne- the lights are on but nobody's home. And Jaslene is like an annoying caricature.
Today they were in Australia so they did some Aborigine crap. I found it rather tedious. Perhaps they should have dressed up as kangaroos instead. Natasha was ill so she did crap on the shoot, but Jay was trying to help her so he must like her too.
Tyra wasn't in it nearly enough this week. We need her for the comedy factor. She looked really normal too. What a let down. I like it when she's a complete schizo. She did gurn a bit though, so you do get your money's worth somehow.
I was happy at the end! Tyra messed with them. You could see it coming. Fuck you, bitches.
Natasha to win! Sod America. She's ace.

X Factor: The Semi-Final

To entertain myself this week I decided to cliche spot. Sadly for me, we only got 'the gloves are off', 'dark horse', 'hairs on the back of my neck stood up' (twice), and 'nailed it' 7000 times. Simon's normally good for a 'thousand percent' or two, so shame on him.
Dannii looks alternately gorgeous and awful every other week, and unfortunately for her she was having a wiggy Afghan week. Niki performed one dreary song and one which made Louis nod his head like a little puppy. I like it when he does that.
Leon sang two interminable jazz numbers, shaking like an abused kitten in his dad's suit for the first song. I really wanted him to say 'I've wanted to meet Michael Buble my whole life'. Leon wore leather trousers for his second number, which looked horrible and you couldn't even see his knob. Boo. Simon was right that he didn't connect with the audience. He looked like he was going to death row, and was lucky to survive, in my opinion. Sort it aht, Leon. We're relying on you in this house to eat next week.
Dannii missed a trick by not getting Grhydian to sing 'Like a Virgin'! That would have brought the fucking house down. He had a little quiff tonight instead of the full Bart Simpson. I wish Grhydian was still ginge. I like gingers. I thought he was going to do the Nazi salute at any given moment. Simon stood up, so it must have been good, but we weren't feeling it in Roseland. I think my boyfriend summed it up best with the comment, 'If I wasn't sure Simon was gay before the series began, I'm fucking positive now.'
'The Same Difference' as Michael Buble called them (and it's a much better name) sang one of Simon's favourite gay anthems for the first song. One of the dancers had a Same Difference tattoo! So at least the have one fan for life (or until he has a bath). For their second song, the bullied (get over it) Same Difference sang a racist anthem by S Club 'go back to your own country' 7. See the way they stared into each others eyes when they sang 'you'll always be my baby'? VOMIT. They are deffo fucking. On the plus side, they sang better than normal and I was quite moved by the sobbing (which definitely kept them in).
So. That was it. I was glad Niki went 'back to serving beans next week'. See ya!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Coming Out

You may have noticed I stopped writing about I'm a Celebrity, because I got proper bored with it. Janice should have won, although Biggins was a legend eating the testicles. But Janice's fake crying as a vote winner for me.
I thought this show would be awful but it was actually quite interesting watching what all the parters got up to whilst the anti-celebs frolicked in the jungle. The whole Marc Bannermann thing looked like more of a farce than ever: his girlfriend looked non-plussed and it all looked SO staged. When he was watching it on telly going 'oh god...' You were THERE! You DID IT. Div.
John Burton Race's partner was a bitch. Katie Hopkins' partner looked too good for her (although not much) and called her 'gorgeous'. Lynne's partner seemed like a drip. Lynne was more of a cunt than ever out of the jungle, courting the paparazzi and slagging Rodney in front of his daughter. Then kissing his arse when he came out! What an embarrassment.
Did I need to see John in the bath? No.
Anna Ryder-Richardson, wake up! You ARE DULL AND BORING! Do you need Katie Hopkins to tell you this? Hollyoaks Mute came out and went 'want chocolate!' Dur-brain. Sink back into obscurity, chav. You have less personality than Anna Ryder Richardson.
I couldn't bear to watch that bit again where Cerys looked over her shoulder for Marc. That was a proper cringefest. It sucked he didn't show. What a prick. Total humilation on TV. I can't believe she sold her story either. I could have wept reading it, it was so embarrassing. Let Chantelle and Preston be your warning! And not just in matters of the heart.

X Factor: 'I thought the eyes were great'

Two songs each tonight so twice the pain. The show kicked off with Rhydian, who our house-guest described quite accurately as 'that Swedish-looking freaky little gnome thing'. I think the dancers were wearing sunglasses so they didn't have to look at him. His suit was OK though. He did his usual singing. He'd be good in the theatre but I'm not interested in him as a pop singer.
Hope managed to achieve the almost impossible task of singing worse than the Spice Girls. I don't like it when they put the leery one up front- stick to the skunk one.
Niki did 'turn around Bright Eyes.' Wind machine! She was wearing a tent. I just turn off my brain when she's on. She's unlikeable.
Leon did Queen too- yawn. Was it an AIDS theme his week? He did his stupid puppet thing again, I can't even watch. And a waistcoat too! Horrific. Lucky he's still cute. His future will be one crap swing album, then onto the obscurity bus. Blah.
Same Difference wisely made the girl not sing much. The brother can sing. When the doors opened behind them I thought they were sending the firing squad in but sadly, it was a bunch of gap-toothed kids. Puke.
Second song: Queen again! I thought Hope did much better. Even the tranny one sang in tune. I thought it was good fun. Much better than Five's version, haha. I do hate that fucking song though.
Leon's second song was much better. I like it when he stares moodily down the camera lens. He does have something in his eyes that Rhydian doesn't have; it's called sex appeal.
Same Difference sent the fear of God through me by mentioning the words 'family disco'. I like Wham but they did murder it somewhat. Niki did Sting! Don't tell anyone but I like that song. She sang it alright actually. Simon was wrong. Shame on Louis for digging up the dead dad. Poor show.
Rhydian finished the show by singing another song with no tune. Outstanding? I don't GET IT. He has the cold dead eyes of a snake. He says nothing to me about my life. He also looks angry when people criticise him. Take it on the chin, Welsh boy! 'I love all British people'. I don't!
It's a shame Hope went. I quite like them! Oh well, they should have worn their underwear again.

The Secret (Gay) Millionaire

Today's secret millionaire was Terry who made his money from gay clubs and Mr Gay UK. And what a lot of money; he lived with his husband in a great fuck-off castle with a swimming pool. He went to work in a care home in Penzance, which was as grim as can be. That's my worst nightmare of a job, I'd really like to pretend old people don't exist, if possible. If I start to think about the full horror of what the future holds for all of us (if we don't die young, which isn't a particularly appealing alternative) I'd get badly depressed. So he helped out wiping old people's butts for £5.35 an hour. Poor fuckers. The thought of my mum becoming infantalised like that is truly the most terrifying thing I can think of.
He couldn't hack it though so went to work in the chippy instead. Mmm, chips. They looked quite tasty. Good move.
There was the usual 'this is how the peasants live' debate over bread prices (I wouldn't pay a pound for a loaf myself- unless I had to!)
The lovely old couple he befriended with the daughter in the wheelchair was heartbreaking. They were such a close couple. I honestly can't cope with the tragedy. I'm too sensitive. I honestly don't know how I will cope with all of the tragedy that inevitably lies ahead in life. I'm too weak! I just want to bury my head in the sand about it all.
I'm struck in this programme every week how friendly people are! I know there's a camera there but still, there does seem such a lot of genuine people out there. You don't meet people like that too much in London. They are more likely to call you an animal on the tube for asking them to move up an inch.

NME: You stupid fucking fucking fucking fuckers

Dear NME:
I wholeheartedly hope your magazine folds on the back of this imaginary 'scandal' involving Morrissey. Morrissey has a LOT of fans, I've never heard ANYONE declare themselves a fan of the NME. The NME is part of our indie heritage but that's all it is. It ceased to be relevant when I was about 16.
Morrissey is far, far too intelligent to be a racist, and you insinuating he is, or even mentioning him in the same sentence as the BNP sickens me to the core. Are you thick or something? Should we not shut the metaphorical 'gates' to Britain at some point, when you can't get a doctor, or you're collapsing on the tube because it's too fucking crammed? I live in London and I have had to change my hours at work because I can't travel at rush hour. I have claustrophobia. There ARE too many people in England, it's a fact. We are a small island. There are only so many people who can live here, that's simple logistics. Did you not look at it that way? Or did you just not want to? It's NOTHING to do with racism. Perhaps people should stop giving birth too. That might help.
Morrissey romanticises the England of his youth, but what is wrong with that? He loves England. He has a Coronation Street view of England. Good luck to him. Those are his influences. You can't take that from him. You can't take anything from him, because he's seen it all.
Dragging up old song lyrics to pad out the article is an act of desperation. He has started very clearly a million and one times that National Front Disco is a STORY. He also pointed out once that Eminem can write stories about throttling his wife and is revered yet Morrissey can't write lyrics about the National Front. Do the lyrics 'we've lost our boy' mean nothing to you? How can Morrissey mean nothing to you when he is the greatest lyricist of our generation? You owe him more respect.
To say at the time of the Love Music Hate Racism campaign there is 'no room for grey areas' is an extreme form of censorship. What NME means is, agree with us, or pay for it. That sounds a LOT like the BNP. The po-faced questioning style is just embarrassing. It's Morrissey! How dare you, frankly.
Well I hope you sold a couple more copies of your shitty, paper-thin comic. But you sold out a national treasure. Go suck Kate Nash's arse. Go give Lethal Bizzle a blow job. HE'S FUCKING SHIT! I never knew HOW shit until got NME TV last week and you keep playing his fucking moronic video! Am I allowed to say that? Am I racist?! Is that a grey area? You stupid fuckers. Seriously, die. Don't preach to me how not to be racist. I have a brain. I'm not a fucking moronic sheep. Your readers aren't halfwits, they don't need to be told what to think.
It makes me laugh that when Morrissey came back from his hiatus it was literally like the second coming. And now this.
It angers me because I care about Morrissey. And I don't want him to be demonised or destroyed, or demorolised. But he just sold out 7 nights at the Roundhouse. And you will never, ever stop us loving him. And you can never make people love you, like we love him. Start packing up your desks. I'm sure it won't be long now.

The Killers: Sawdust

Er, I'm two weeks too late with this, but I was quite annoyed that the NME only gave this album 6 out of 10 (and I always read the NME two weeks late). Despite a dodgy middle section, for a B-sides album it deserves a LOT more credit. Plus all the songs they said were the good ones were the rubbish ones. Grr! I was also annoyed by their holding up of Oasis as the master of the B-side album. Yawn. Get over it.
I had most of these songs already, but I am quite a big Killers fan so I have hunted them down over the past year or three. Tranquillize has obviously not been on the scene long, and whilst committing the dual crimes of having Lou Reed guesting AND incorporating a children's choir, it still manages to get stuck in your head like a crowbar. Shadowplay is a brilliant cover. I like Joy Division music but can't stand his voice so this cover was ideal for me. I really enjoyed it when they played this at the Wembley Arena gig earlier this year too (was that this year? I think it was). All the Pretty Faces I already had but it's still an album-worthy B-side. Leave The Bourbon on The Shelf I hadn't heard but it had a good sing-a-long chorus.
The best 'new' track on the album for me was Sweet Talk, I really liked the keyboards. I don't even know where this track is from? Really good though. Under The Gun I've had for as long as I had Hot Fuss, although this is a different mix. It's amazingly catchy and still reminds me of many hours playing Mario Golf. The Killers and Mario Golf will be forever entwined in my mind. I won't make a joke about moustaches... I'll leave that to the NME (although he should shave it off cos he looks like a prick, obviously).
I don't like Where The White Boys Dance much, it's a bit dirgy. And I already have it on Sam's Town, which was only this year (I think- God, I've got Alzheimer's) so I don't need it again. Show Me How goes for the Bright Eyes technique of having such an annoying intro to a song that it makes you want to turn it off. The song doesn't do much to redeem itself after that either. I think Move Away was on the Spiderman soundtrack or something... it's Brandon trying to be Bono. Just skip it and pretend it never happened.
Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll... everyone already has. Probably not needed on this album. Who Let You Go, another from my Mario Golf period. I love it. As good as anything on Hot Fuss (well except you know, the biggies). The Ballad of Michael Valentine, again, another strong B-side. I wasn't too keen on Ruby, Don't take Your Love to Town, but I don't like covers much. Even the Killers cover of Morrissey's Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself is lacklustre, and that's one of my top Moz songs of all time. Not sure why that's not on this album, but probably for that very reason.
Daddy's Eyes is good, but reminds me of All the Pretty Faces. The stripped-down version of Sam's Town sounds really different. I like alternative versions. Romeo and Juliet: I hate the original but this version is OK. Change Your Mind: absolutely brilliant. I've had this one for as long as I've had all the oldies too. I think it's one of my favourite Killers songs ever.
And finally the Jacques Lucont Thin White Duke dance mix of Mr Brightside. Probably in my top five dance mixes of all time, and that includes the Arctic Monkey's When the Sun Goes Down (Fake ID's Scummy Mix) and the fantastic Eminem/Morrissey mash-up 'This Charming Booty'. It really takes you on a journey. A very uplifting one!
So yeah. I'd give this an 8 even with all the filler in the middle, because the good is very, very good indeed.
The NME says, it's really easy to dislike The Killers. Well it's par for the course for any self-respecting indie kid (or granny, as I am) to hate the NME. And it's because of reviews like that, and then they'll give Natasha Beddingfield an 8 or summat. So fuck them.

Deal with the Devil... well, Rhydian

You may have noticed and admired my fancy new header (or you might think it's shit- if so, booo!) Anyway, it was made for me by the writer of this nutty Rhydian fan site and am now writing some X Factor style babble for him. I'm like a guest columnist and my posts are called X Factor eXecration (that large X was NOT my idea). The X Factor is nearly over so we may as well milk it all we can, as the jungle is boring and there's nothing else on.
But he's trying to make me turn to the dark side and like Rhydian!!! It will never happen. Just looking up his nose on that banner freaks me out every time.
Leon is my man. Cute little pocket-sized, bandy-legged, manky-teethed Leon. Forever!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - All Filler

Well now most of the 'big personalities' (i.e. shit stirrers) have gone they are desperately padding out the show. Let's show them talking about life in camp! Lets show them sweeping up! Zzzzzz.
How many more times do we need to hear about Mark and Cerys' romance? Bloody hell. Ship him back in or shut up about it. YAWN. In light of him just being revealed as a (possible?) wife beater the wedding talk was a bit galling.
I quite enjoyed the ghost train task with J and Gemma competing for the most monotone accent... I mean, for the stars. I liked her getting a bunch of sludge in her lap. Bless her moaning about the evil British press. Well if you will have blow up boobs and no personality, what else are they gonna write about, m'dear?
I felt sorry for Janice tonight! Anna Ryder-blah-blah-blah has got a cheek calling Janice an OAP, she's about her age. I was pleased she went because they were all getting way too smug and comfy. She had done nothing to deserve being there on the last day, so good riddance. Janice needs someone to bounce off! Janice to win.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - It Must Be Love

Why was everyone picking on Janice today? Anyone would have thought Lynne was a defenceless puppy by the way they were going on about her. She was a prize cunt, the very worst kind of person, one who doesn't practise what they preach. I wasn't slightly sorry to see the back of the sanctimonious old boot. Fair enough Janice and Rodney were pretty childish not saying goodbye but I understood why they did it.
Mark's (Marc? I'm sure it was Mark!) letter to Cerys was quite sweet but they over egged it somewhat, unless they are going to bring him back in, what do I care? I take it he's dumped the girlfriend. If I was Cerys I'd be very wary of him. I like Cerys, she seems very calm and thoughtful. I hope she doesn't get stung by the whole sorry mess. But it's true: you can't help who you fall for sometimes. That's why there are so many broken-hearted, divorced people in the world. Oh yeah, and well done to Cerys for standing up to Rodney. He almost seemed to listen!
I was surprised to see John go, I quite liked him in a way, even though he was a full-on bear with a sore head. When will the Hollyoaks Mute be defeated? She is a robot! Her heart is made of ice! I like Biggins, even though he is quite smutty. I like J. Ryder-Richardson's alright. The camp is going to be a dullard-fest before we know it. Ant and Dec are pretty funny though.

X Factor: Dead Dad returns!

Here we go again. I thought Beverley was very shrill. It didn't do it for me at all. Too shrieky. Same Difference did alright I thought; super cheesy but in tune mostly. He is a lot better than her. She needs to stop gurning. But apart from that, they are troupers. Their family seemed a bit touchy feely. I'm not really into all that.
Niki rolled out the dead dad again! Wrong! She sang the sort of ballad my mum used to play in the car. Her voice is good, there's just something unlikable about her (mainly self-pity). There is also something awkward about her when she performs.
I was pleased they played the Phantom of the Opera music again when they introduced Rhydian. I thought they'd stopped ripping the shit out of him when they didn't play it last week. Rhydian was back in full-on serial killer mode this week, shifty eyed and looking like he'd had a run in with an angry orange. The song he sang was dreadful, it had no tune at all. God knows why Dannii was crying I can only presume she was drunk or on her period. Hope were patchy but passionate. The other ones didnt sing a word, but the main girl did well and looked better now she's a reformed skunk.
I was disappointed Leon did swing. I hate swing! Still, on the plus side his hair has grown, and he didn't dance this week, so he looked HOT. Hurrah! He was in full on mini-josh-hartnett-with-manky-teeth mode, which works for me.
I enjoyed the end when Beverley went. I was glad Hope stayed as they are more interesting and I enjoyed Simon's gloating. Fuck you, Louis! You've only got Dead Dad now and you know she's no match for the angry orange.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - 'I'm Not Used to This!'

Lynne displayed arch manipulation skills tonight. She actually made me scream she was so infuriating. She would argue black was white, but only after giving you a fat guilt trip first. John was cruel to her, but she milked it, big time. Why does she always start on Janice too? Janice didn't really do anything! Janice means well. Lynne is inherently cuntish. I knew when John apologised there'd be another row. His apology was crap but Lynne was very ungracious, then went running telling tales to camp.
The task wasn't THAT bad I don't think. The bickering between Janice and Lynn was hilarious. 'I wish I had my camera- that's a great Christmas card'. Fucking genius. I liked her pretending to snog Dec too. Lynn seemed to be enjoying sucking on some shrimp. I wonder if the shrimp enjoyed it? At least it shut her up. Janice was the most unsupportive team mate ever, But I loved it! I loved them describing what they hated about each other afterwards; it sounded like they were describing themselves.
Observation: Katie Hopkins talks like a little girl. She needs to unleash her inner bitch. I enjoyed the fly gangbang. God I'd go mad there! Proper horrible!
It really bugged me when Rodney was like 'Cerys should leave' cos of the Beppe brother love. It aint her fault! It's HIS FAULT. He is the one with a girlfriend. Cerys hasn't really done anything. Mark's girlfriend's impassioned speech didn't really move me. She didn't seem to care enough, somehow.
It was a major cock-up that Mark went. That was a major storyline and now the romance probably won't get started. Aw! Killjoys. Now all we've got to put up with is arguing. Grr! How can anyone have voted to save Hollyoaks Mute over him?
Still, it will give Rodney some food for thought. Feminazis unite!
Mark's interview was a lesson in hole digging! DIG DIG DIG. It felt very real though. He wasn't a politician, he was quite honest. I felt sorry for him! Scurry back to London, Beppe's bro. Your clothes are on the lawn. Nice!

The Secret Millionaire

I was a bit disappointed with The Secret Millionaire last week. The guy was a bit annoying, even if he did restore Morrissey's favourite Salford Lad's Club.
This week featured a 26 year old self-made multi-millionaire called Ben. Great. make me feel good about earning a pittance. He was quite posh though, so I think daddy probably gave him a bung somewhere along the line. Still, not wanting to be an inverted snob, I gave him a chance. He lives in Mayfair but went to Hackney to try and get shot... er, help. 32 people were murdered there last year. Woo hoo!
Ben volunteered at a youth club. Ben was a crap liar. Some young chav asked him what he did for a living and he nearly cracked! The youth of Hackney didn't seem too bad really. They just needed a cuddle, like David Cameron said. And he just needs a face transplant. But I digress!
Hold up! About halfway through I noticed Ben suddenly had a black eye! He didn't have a black eye at the start! How did this happen? Why no explanation? I guess whoever did that aint going to be getting a windfall. Haha!
It was really wonderful when he gave the youth centre 20K and the guy just broke down in tears and hugged him. That guy worked for free just to support the kids who went there. He gave 10K to a guy who wanted to be a fashion designer. It was lovely when he visited the family as they seemed so close and such lovely people and he offered to pay for their wedding! I don't think the bloke wanted to get married! Still, they'd been together for twenty years.
He didn't just give the cash and fuck off: he stayed involved in the community too.
All in all: feel-good factor equals ten. Posh people are nice! Yay!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Feminazi

Woo! I want to be formally known as a feminazi from now on. So tonight. Janice and J did well on their trial, therefore it was boring. John woke everyone up at 4.15 by lighting a fire and bashing about (I'd have chucked him in the fire). He was spoiling for a fight and found one in Lynne. You could tell she wanted to lose her rag but was trying hard to rise above it. I loved the fact she was seething! Keep needling her. You can break her yet.
She's right though, John and Rodney have no respect for women, so I wasn't too upset to see Rodney sprain his knee. Still, he got to spend the night in hospital, so it wasnt all bad. It's a sad state of affairs when going to hospital is your best option though. The others should start injuring themselves for fun! Hospital food! Yummy.
Beppe's brother seemed to be paying homage to Beppe with his raggedy goatee. The bite mark set it off nicely. Cerys didn't seem to agree with Anna that she and Mark were just 'good good good friends'. She seemed to be thinking something else entirely.
The British public stupidly chose Janice for the trial again- she won't eat that crap! It will be interesting to see how Lynne does after the 'I would have done the eating one' comment. Serve her up a big portion!

Dispatches: Mark Thomas on Coca-Cola

Or... Mark Thomas on Coke. Mark Thomas always reminds me of James Dean Bradfield. I think it's the heavy-handed political bent. Still, I like it. So, Coca-Cola did used to have cocaine in it. Coca-cola sponsored the Nazis (until they defected to Fanta!) Coca-cola is racist. Coca-Cola is nicking poor people's water in India.
The middle part of the show went over my head (mainly because I was writing my 'Celebrity..' blog), but involved Columbia, the bottling plant and dead people. Basically Coke don't care about the workers, they only care about money. Well, well.
They showed the sugar fields and a ten year old boy working in El Salvador. That is quite shocking. They really don't care, do they? The reason kids are working is because the wages are so crap. They could stop that happening. Instead they are polluting the water.
Next Mark looked at the health implications of drinking coke, not just from the sugar but the caffeine, especially for children. And then he got his brain scanned and realised he secretly loved coke. Doh!
I enjoyed the part about people on death rows asking for Coca-Cola for their final meal. I wonder if you're allowed booze with your last meal?
Anyway, I think my boyfriend summed it up by saying 'this programme makes me want a Coke' and then he left the room saying, 'I get it, Coke is bad.'
They are all bad, all these big boys, the are all the lizards. And we remain the mindless Coke drinking sheep. Baa!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Oh, Man!

Another good show tonight. Lynne was very brave during the trial, then ruined it all horribly by being so sanctimonious about it. Well done to John for calling her out. She also let herself down in the egg timer task by falling for Rodney's 'it takes a big person to step down' speech. No it doesn't! Fight to the death. What sort of feminist are you? 'I know it means more to you to win...' Why, because he's a sexist? Sigh!
Beppe's brother and Cerys romance is quite shocking really, considering he's got a girlfriend. I wouldn't trust someone who falls in love that fast in a gazillion years. I don't know what she sees in him, he's so slimy. She does look genuinely worried about her obvious feelings for him. It must be horrendous worrying about the public perception of events. But she's not to blame, he is! She's single. His girlfriend might be huffing and puffing about Cerys, but open your eyes, love. Your man is a RAT.
They will definitely have a snog soon. We might not get to see it though. I have a feeling it will be done under cover. John stirred it up a bit too by saying it looked like it was 'meant to be'. It's just lust! It's just Stockholm Syndrome! It'll probably be Janice and Biggins next.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Trouble Ahead

Not much to say about tonight except, what with men being so superior to women (especially physically, of course) I was surprised to see Rodney being completely humiliated in that challenge. By Janice. Ha! Brilliant.
Beppe's brother embarrassed himself by saying Cerys had a beautiful voice (she doesn't) and then 'we need to talk' to J, as if it was some state secret that he had the hots for the horse-faced Welsh woman. I hope his girlfriend is plotting a bad-arse revenge.
I quite enjoyed the van task, I like things where people are forced to make conversation and stick things out. Hollyoaks Mute claimed she was cold in relationships. Not exactly a surprise. She hasn't got the most winning TV personality, has she? I don't think anyone can be bothered to fancy her. Kate Hopkins has been disappointingly un-bitchy. Now I actually don't mind her. I'm liking Biggins too.
So happy Lynne has to do the next task. Hope she gets stuck down the tunnel. Permanently.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'He's an old prick'

I love the mix of people in Celeb this year, in that for the post part, they are such a bunch of cunts it's hard to choose who you hate the most. Lynn and Rodney are in joint first place for me. Lynn's passive-agressive martyrdom or Rodney's boorish sexism? It's a toughie.
John started off the day by shouting at people to be nice to each other. Fab. Then he did a bizarre rap and Rodney said 'you've lost votes, thats what black people do.' (a very dubious comment!) Lynn said you're not allowed to say 'black', you have to say Afro-Carribean. Stupid bitch. Even so, I give it two days before Rodney gets kicked out, Jim Davidson stylee. He's a thick bully.
Loved the ostrich task- Lynn was super annoying (just shut up!), Janice gave her what for. Very funny.
The rest of the show was pretty dull: can you imagine how boring it will be at the end when it's Beppe's brother, Cerys, J and Hollyoaks Mute?
Ps. Kangaroos are not rodents. They are marsupials.

X Factor: Mum at a Wedding

Disco week! I hate disco, naturally. They are always harping on about the acts being modern, then they set them themes like country music, or heavy metal week (actually, that would be amusing) then moan at them for not being contemporary.
Leon did better, but looked like a child. White trousers are never good. Niki- sang better than last week. Beverley looked awful and I thought she was crap. Rhydian- awful. Hope- out of tune and horrible outfits. Alisha: her voice isn't good enough! I quite like Young Hearts but she murdered it. Same Difference: as the name says. Shrug.
Louis is a dick. Dannii seemed to have a mild form of retardation that made her make stupid comments really loudly, followed by a 'woo!'
I wasn't sad to see Alisha go (except a little for Sharon). She should have gone a long time ago. It annoys me when they take ages to vote. Just fucking say a name, you dicks.
Next week: Motown classics! Pass the knife.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Men and Women

It's taken me a while to write this as I was suffering from the after effects of too much vodka at the Morrissey night. But how could I let Rodney Marsh's comments pass without comment?
His ludicrous argument that men and women aren't equal because 'women haven't invented anything' is dim in the extreme. But actually, you're right, Rodney, men and women AREN'T equal. Women don't start wars. Women rarely rape and murder. Women rarely sexually abuse children. So you can keep your toaster, or your lightbulb or whatever you invented: I'd rather be of the sex who lives in peace. I'd rather be non-threatening.
Men and women AREN'T equal: men can't give birth, so without women, the human race would be history. So in fact women are superior. But men and women SHOULD be treated equally. That is what feminism is, fighting for those rights. Rodney clearly has no respect for women, and the women in the camp let themselves down by not taking him to task for his out-dated views. The viewing public also missed the opportunity to stick it to him by voting for him to do the trial.
'I wouldn't fly on a plane with two women pilots': for God's sake! I cant believe people still say things like that. 'Women have no sense of humour'- Janice Dickinson has made me laugh repeatedly on the show. Rodney: not once.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Bring Back Gaffney!

Beppe's brother: dirty dog! If I was his girlfriend I'd cut his dick off. That putting his arm round her thing had echoes of Chantelle and Preston and we know how THAT ended up. Run Cerys! He's s sleaze. She didn't look happy when he was comforting Katie. If they are flirting this much on day three, I wouldn't trust him let lose in a nightclub. No wonder someone bit his face.
Katie did very well in the task, she's one hard arse. I found it very frightening, the music alone freaked me! Proper horror movie.
Arch feminist Lynn decided to sleep in the treehouse with king chauvinist Rodney. She proved that she wanted to make the world equal by propping her fat arse against a branch and watching him build the steps to the treehouse. She further added to the feminist's cause by saying she felt 'protected and safe'. You go, girlfriend!
REAL feminist ball-breaker Janice continued to get a raw deal from the camp. I liked her delusion that we were voting her for the tasks because 'she was the most famous'.
I was glad everyone started to hate Lynn! Good! Too many cooks spoil the broth. Victor Meldrew chef is damn rude. I'd smack him one. They are a loathsome bunch! Janice to win! Stop voting for her to do the trials, you thick fuckers! She's shit at them! Biggins did alright. She was brave/annoying in the face of torture. Bet she wished she'd felt up the rats instead.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- 'You're gay'

Well Janice obviously wasn't the right choice for the eating task. Lynn could have done it easily, as she pointed out- and from appearances she clearly has a long history of shovelling a mountain of crap into her gob. Fucking smug bitch. I really want to punch her. She has really brought out quite a violent streak in me- I wish they'd let her go in the glass coffin. Then they'd dropped it. I'm quite liking Katie from The Apprentice in comparison. Even though she's got a bright red nose.
The eating thing was funny: I enjoyed Janice saying 'you're gay' as John was eating crocodile penis, and him replying 'give us a kiss.' He seemed to take a bit of a shine to Janice, didn't he? Needless to say, I wouldn't eat any of that stuff. Just the thought of it fermenting in your stomach is the stuff of nightmares.
I like Janice's banter with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show, unlike all that other dross they do.
That J guy seems alright, but he looks very thin and tired, he's starting to resemble a victim of famine. I quite like his deadpan accent. And finally a man who won a task and didn't go 'I got beaten by a girl!' like some sort of Neanderthal prick.
I don't like Beppe's brother, he's a knob-end. He seemed to be having an orgasm over eating a pig. I don't like football dude- he's a sexist twat. Chef guy is OK. Cerys seems quite nice. Gemma: try speaking.
PS: Why does everyone like coffee so much? Just the smell of it makes me gag. I wouldn't even hold hands with a wombat for it.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'I grew up in a swamp'

I hate this programme but I always watch a couple of them (and it was worth it for Dean Gaffney last year! Proper wet yourself funny) I can't believe it's been a year since this was last on. I'll be retired before I know it.
So the line up is utter shit, except for Janice Dickinson, who is absolutely amazing. She really reminds me of Courtney Love in that she's utterly mad, funny (great one liners) and doesn't give a fuck. Malcolm McClaren was rude to slam the door in her face; she wasn't even mean to him! I have no clue who the fat woman was who claimed to be his friend, but he didn't even open the door to her, so I'm guessing they aren't in each others top friends on facebook. Oh she's called Lynn. Well she has really rubbed me up the wrong way actually. Who ARE you? Don't fuck with Janice, you boot faced old harridan! Janice is ace. Lynn is a shit stirrer and she will try and put it on Janice, mark my words. In the meantime, everyone else will sit on the fence. YAWN.
Who else is in there? Bloke from 5. Some plain person who's meant to be sexy off Hollyoaks. Some old men. An interior designer. Beppe's brother (did someone bite his face?) Cerys 'Road Rage' Matthews.
So then they made them bungee jump out of a plane. How can bungee jumping out of a plane be legal? People die doing that stuff! I wouldn't do it for a million pounds. I don't want to die by having my head smashed to pieces. People are insane.
Fair play to Janice for volunteering to do the trial, but what was the problem with eels? Fish guts is way worse. It was well funny when they span them round on that wheel and Janice was shrieking.
Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show. I like the way they've cunningly devised a way to get more cash out of the phonelines by splitting the teams up too. KERCHING!

Corrie/ Enders Sandwich

If Corrie's the bread, it's Warburtons, and if Eastenders is the meat, it's Spam! Spam, spam, spam.
Corrie was quite funny, with Rosie in full on porno mode. Did they deliberately dress Dev-daughter and her friend in dowdy grey in comparison to Rosie's 50s hussy look? Rosie needs to lose that caked on fake tan though, it's disgusting! Bring back the goth! You can do sexy goth. Sexy goth works! Ooh, someone even mentioned she used to be a goth too! I'm glad she didn't deny her goth roots. I bet she still listens to Cradle of Filth on the sly.
In Eastendersville we were tortured by the jointly-shit hairdo and acting combination of Stephen. Not too sure why Pat is defending psycho-boy- 'he's your family, you can't wash your hands of him'- um, I'd say shooting your wife was a pretty good reason to bump someone from the Christmas Card list.
The whole Jase thing is beyond me: why do Dawn and Roxy fancy him when he looks like a tramp who found a rank paisley shirt in a skip? Why was Dawn wearing her underwear out? What's happening with the mob? I don't know, I don't care. It's not exactly The Sopranos is it? It's not exactly mini-Den is it? Why did they kill mini-Den? Bring him back from the dead Harold Bishop stylee!
I wish they'd restore Pauline's old house to it's grotty grey glory. It just looks too generic now. I forget it's even the same place.
Why are the non-scary gangsters going to do over the Vic? What's that got to do with Jase? I wish I'd paid more attention now. Well, not really. Cos it's SHIT!
And onto Corrie again. Michelle seems to have been using the same nuclear shade of foundation as Rosie: 'Jodie Marsh 101'. Step away from the orange! Pale is beautiful.
Jason's wedding speech: 'it's not the sea lions fault: he's only human.' WHAT??? That makes NO sense. Kill the writers!
Do I care about the ugly family who run the kebab shop? NO! Nor does anyone!
Yeah. The second half was pretty disappointing. Maybe it was Sunblest after all.

Vain Men

As I'd already seen the Location, Location, Location's I'd taped tonight, I had to find some other brainless TV to watch when I slumped home from work. So I found this little gem on my Sky Plus 'Anytime TV' which means you can watch it too, if you have sky plus and feel so inclined.
Personally I can't think of anything worse than vain men. Even moisturising is unacceptable to me in a partner, so you can forget about shaving legs or getting a manicure like in this programme. The first guy was from Northampton, my home turf! Typical Shoe Town twattishness. He said 'we're just catching up with women.' It's not something worth catching up with though, is it? Vanity isn't an accolade. It's a curse.
Also, was it a coincidence that half of these vain men were going bald, so they went to the gym and got a spray tan to compensate. Well, let me break it to you, it doesn't! Just accept what nature dishes out gracefully. Don't get your balls sugared! Urgh! Did I really need to see the back, sack and crack wax too? URGH!!! I was literally agog. They filmed right up his crack! It's humiliating! he looked like he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. Honestly. Just be hairy! You're a MAN! (For the record, I don't think women should humiliate themselves in the name of vanity either; most beauty treatments of that kind can be done in the privacy of your own home- but then I'm very shy about those sorts of things.)
I like dirty, scruffy men. I like geeky, skinny men who don't know what mascara is, and use bubble bath instead of shampoo by accident. I don't like muscles. I look at a six pack and just think of all the hours that person must be in the gym. I look at muscles and just think 'they must be thick'. I'd rather go out with someone a bit chubby than muscly. A man counting calories bores me rigid. It's such a turn off. Vanity smacks of being insecure, and insecurity in a man is not attractive. Men should be confident or nonchalant. Not needy.
I don't like men who sit in the bath for an hour preening (unless they are reading something). I don't even like men who use products in their hair. Mind you, my boyfriend doesn't even wash his hair, which is possibly too much the other way.
Men should look like men. Men shouldn't care what they look like. The whole vanity market is just a money-spinning ploy to make men as neurotic as women.
Run, men! Run for your lives. Stay grubby and hairy.

The Secret Millionaire

I loved this programme when it was on last year: I found it genuinely heart-warming. My boyfriend says there is something a bit distasteful about this rich person deeming who is worthy of help: but I say fuck it, they don't have to help ANYONE, (and I'm sure many millionaires don't) so good on them.
Gill Fielding went from being poor to having fifteen million as a 'wealth creator'- sounds pretty good. She went back to the East End of London where she grew up and pretended she was making a documentary about that area, whilst looking for likely anti-victims to give a wedge of cash to.
It was a bit of cringeworthy when she was in the shop going 'It's fun not to have money! How much is a pint of milk?'. But I liked her direct style of getting a job in a cafe then asking all the customers 'are you managing financially?' They weird part was, they all went 'yes' which showed that even poor people are proud. Good on them.
Jill got involved with a woman who helps deprived families and a local ailing theatre school. I really am amazed by people who genuinely go out of their way to do good for others, and seek no thanks for it. You don't think people like that exist anymore. But they do, and most don't get visited by a secret millionaire. They just go on slaving.
I was shocked when Gill said she spent £20,000 a month on 'knick-knackery'. Wowee, those must be some knick-knacks. There must be such a fear of being poor though, once you're rich.
I just cried solidly for the last half hour of the show. I'm such a baby. It's just so rare to see something on TV which actually acknowledges and rewards kindness. It reminds me of Faking It in a way, as that was also inspirational TV as opposed to the lowest common denominator of cruelty.
She was very generous too, sometimes I've seen them only give people ten grand or something, but she put £80,000 deposits on houses for people! And she sent a kid to stage school for five years. Good on her. Proper good stuff. Watch the rest of the series!

X Factor: 'Eating Caviar with Salad Cream'

Here we go again! Your saturday night time suckage starts here. Strap yourself in and pour yourself a large drink (or better still, sky plus it and start watching it an hour or two in- then you can forwards through Shayne Ward and the ads).
Niki was out of time- only Foghorn Dannii spotted it. I was disappointed Simon said Niki was good; she was shit. Dannii looked very good tonight I must say- very sexy dress. She's still got the wonk though; shame. I am liking Dannii a lot more than I used to, she does stand up for herself. Louis is more annoying than ever this year, but I like the banter with Simon. Simon owns him, of course.
I thought Same Difference had their best week yet, the set was kind of creepy but they were less shrill and shrieky than normal. Andy No Balls sounded like he was under water, and managed to sing a Snow Patrol song more out of tune than Gary Lightbody. Rock anthem? Not in my house. Bless him in his little 'rock' T-shirt. Beverley was a zillion times better than Niki and in no way deserved to be in the bottom two... hmm, now why could she be? Because of racist Britain, of course! Disappointing.
I thought Hope were quite good, they weren't under-dressed and I thought they sang well. Leon was AWFUL, again. Dancing in the Moonlight is horrific. Please stop him dancing, it makes me not fancy him anymore. I'm not even going to comment on the 'woo!'s or the waving. SHUDDER. His waistcoat was also unnecessary. Alisha had a bland song but I thought it was her best week. Rhydian has a face only his mother could love but he seemed a lot more humble this week and I liked him more for it (it's probably an act! I'm easily fooled).
It was HEARTBREAKING when Andy went out; he took it soooo badly. His lip quiver was too much to bear. I can't stand seeing men cry, especially not such a pretty one. Dermot didn't know where to look.
The Xtra factor was HILARIOUS afterwards, it was like someone had told Leon Andy had cancer; his little red-rimmed eyes and hands praying to some God to please, make it right.
Also, don't tell anyone, but against my better judgement I've also started quite liking Fearne on the Xtra Factor. Shhh!

Film Review: Ratatouille

We went to out for a bit of high culture tonight as it's Orange Wednesdays (ie. cheapo night). Always a fan of fascist, sexist Disney, nothing really touches Finding Nemoid. Rats and cookery aren't exactly my two favourite subjects and I was slightly concerned that the rat was going to be a little smart arse, but he wasn't too bad. I was also a bit alarmed at the grannies use of firearms within the first ten minutes (god bless America); it seemed a slighty excessive pest control method. I was also a bit bemused that the film was set in Paris but the rats had American accents (and they could speak! What the fuck?) Typically there was an English baddie. Boo!
The animation was pretty damn good, but the humans just seemed creepy, considering they got quite a lot of air time. I enjoyed the ghostly chef and the fact he admitted he was a figment of Remy's (the rat) imagination. I found the whole controlling the chef by his hair thing slightly strange but I went along with it. There were also a couple of risque jokes thrown in for the 'oldies' (puke).
All in all, it was an enjoyable film, not boring at all, and with a couple of laughs, but not dazzlingly beautiful or charming (as Nemo was).
The 'moral of the story' (puke again) seemed to be that it's OK if there's a rat in your kitchen, in fact, let it knock up a meal for you. Bizarreness.

X Factor: Big Band Week

God, I hate big bands. Big bands make me think of son of Chucky, Ray Quinn, Westlife and Robbie 'Facial Landslide' Williams (in that order: I have a short attention span). So Big Band week coupled with the fact X Factor is staggering along wounded equals a sullen me.
But it was worse than I thought. Bad luck to all the rubber-neckers who tuned in to see Emily aka 'Shiverz' getting the boot, as she wasn't even mentioned! Is that a good example to people, X Factor producers, if something bad happens, just ignore it and pretend the person never existed? They could have a least said 'Emily had to leave due to personal reasons'. Don't we deserve that much? If you hadn't even seen the news you'd just be left thinking you'd lost a little piece of your mind somewhere. They should have showed the happy slap video. It was more entertaining than anything they had to offer.
So onto the singing. Absolutely awful. The songs were ear-assaultingly bad. Leon still looked scared. The Stepford siblings shrieked and gurned through S Club 7, which I was unaware was a big band classic. Hope prostituted themselves once again. Niki's back flab tried to escape out of her dress. Alisha had one eye on dip and one on dazzle. Andy was the singing equivalent of being forced to watch Heartbeat. Brian Friedman's 'choreography' is part of the problem, just let them stand there and sing for fuck's sake, they're not Michael Jackson, they are dinner ladies and teachers with dead relatives who were bullied at school dammit (oh, get over it).
And so Futureproof were binned. Back to the supermarket. Back to being bullied. Back to the heartbreak and the grief. Back to trying to fill the void of your pathetic little lives.
Oh well, at least you can watch X Factor next week and suffer like the rest of us poor bastards.

Eastenders: Ginger Wedding Horror

Another day, another miserable bride. I didn't like Stacey's dress either. It was too tight. She had that awful granny hairdo like Sarah from Corrie. The dressed-up Winehouse.
Bradley: 'She's too good for me. I can't believe my luck. the most beautiful girl in the Square' (well, next to Heather and that's about it). Has he been looking at the same hamster-faced Stacey as me for the past year or two? She hasn't smiled once, not even 'in the delight and tenderness of sexual union' (er... what sort of marriage vows are they?) with Max.
It was quite a tense Eastenders: well for the first 15 minutes or so. So it should be though, they've been building this storyline up for literally YEARS. There was still a fair bit of dross and filler.
Sean is hot, even though he looks like a maniac teddy bear. I definitely have a soft spot for gingers. Stacey's mum needs shooting.
I liked it when Stacey ran off into the little room and all her ginger men crowded in after her. 'She's hysterical.' said Max. But she wasn't. Max, you rat! I liked it when he said sorry. There was a continuity error when he unzipped Stacey's dress then it was zipped again. Also, 'I'm going to get changed in the car'. What!?
The question is this: why did Lauren leave a video camera taping in her mum and dad's BEDROOM? That's a bit weird isn't it? And also, was that the longest videotape EVER?
Still it drags on. Still we watch.

Corrie: Sarah's Wedding/ David's Dunking

I LOVED the revival of the Wannadies You and Me song as David drove his car into the canal. Ahhh- it takes me back to the good old Richard Hillman days. Do you think David kept that tape after Richard drove it into the canal last time? Do you think it was dredged back up with Hillman's body?
I also LOVED also Sarah's determination to marry at whatever cost! As the owner of several wayward family members, I can fully understand her ripping up David's suicide note and getting on with things! You go, girl! Don't let the bastards drag you down. Love will find a way.
I thought Sarah had on slightly too much eyeliner for a white wedding; I know it's halloween but it was a bit goth. Her hair looked awful too. Maria looked miles better.
Jason was well out of order not doing a speech! Fuck David! He's the spawn of Satan.
Gail's spaced out crying was terrifying. She is part human, part ET. What sick womb could produce Sneddon-faced David and the doll-pretty Sarah? Oh I forgot, it's not real.
Oh my God, I can't believe Gail's reaction when David turned up! Sarah was right to go mental! I'd fucking kick the shit out of that rat-faced little cunt. I'd disown the fucking lot of them if I was Sarah.
Satan is back in the fold! Gullible fools!

6ixth Sense with Colin Fry

It is offensive to the eye and mind to even write 'sixth' like that, but what can you do? I'm only copying it!
Having recently read Derren Brown's Trick of the Mind, I thought I'd take a quick peek at this show which I haven't watched in years. First off, the theme music makes me want to vomit. Secondly, Colin Fry talks in a little baby voice to you. He should just wear a badge saying 'trust me!' as he makes his sweeping generalisations until someone gullible bites.
There is something enduringly creepy about Colin Fry, his little weaselly face silently pleads to be punched. He looks like he's about to sell you a cut-and-shut car. And in many ways, he is. Except it's a lie about your dead child, which is probably worse.
I used to go out with a avid fan of Most Haunted and I have read up on my Fortean Times (oh, how I miss it), so I am also aware of Colin Fry's dubious history (see: the floating trumpet incident where he was caught waving it round in his hand whilst pretending it was moving paranormally in the dark). Apparently you can't get struck off from being a psychic though. Shame.
There is something grotesque about watching him grope for information, and when the grieving relative has to confirm how accurate it is at the end, it looks as if they may have a gun to their head. It is also offensive when the person says 'there is no way he could have known that' because they actually believe that, and Derren has proved again and again that it can be faked.
I wish people would research their wishy-washy theories a bit more, not because I want to kill magic (I totally believe in aliens) but just because their arguments for the defense are so crap and i get frustrated arguing with them.
I love the disclaimer at the end of the show: this is an entertainment programme and the content should not be construed as advice, counselling, suggestions, or fact. But moments before I heard Colin Fry's psychic buddy saying 'tell her not to go to the graveyard when it's cold or raining.' That sounds like a suggestion to me. Perhaps the disclaimer would be more truthful if it said, 'this is fiction'.

Pushing Daisies

Another download off the internet: this American TV show about a guy who can bring people back to life, but if he touches them again, he kills them. I normally avoid American TV shows like the plague (except Medium and Curb) but thought this one had a Medium style feel about it.
The sets were really cool on this programme, it looked like a cross between a Dr. Seuss/ Tim Burton film and was shot beautifully. No expense was spared. The characters were good fun, and I was surprised to see Anna Friel turn up in it. I normally can't be doing with her, but she looked stunning in this and her American accent wasn't half bad (her teeth were a bit too white for my liking though). The main guy in it was a bit like a young George Clooney (if you like that sort of thing) and he had a comedy black sidekick (how unusual!)
The storyline was cute and a bit different, with the main dude (the pie man) saving his childhood friend Anna Friel from death, but as a result he can't kiss or hug her ever or he will kill her again. It's quite an unusual twist. Some of the dialogue was a bit clunky, but on the whole, it's worth a look, as it's bound to come on TV over here eventually.
The weirdest part of the whole shebang was the story seemed to be narrated by that E4/ Little Britain voiceover guy. I swear he's everywhere at the moment. I half expect him to pop up and narrate my journey to work.

X Factor- 2nd Week

The Sharon drama wasn't worth acknowledging, as if anyone seriously thought she wouldn't be back. Dermot appeared to have had his eyebrows shaved off. Dannii looked quite nice except from her melted nose.
First up was Hope, whom Simon had decreed would destroy feminism via their underwear for the sake of cheap entertainment. Why? Their voices are alright. Why make a 16 year old cavort around in her undies on telly? Of course, I know why. Still: lowest common denominator. Plus, a couple of them are dead ropey.
Leon looked wooden and scared stiff. Still, I love his manky teeth and little legs and I thought his voice was strong (which no one even commented on). He just needs a confidence boost. Louis acted like a little toad, shamelessly plugging Cuntlife.
Beverley had her make-up done by Barbie but sang well. Alisha said she came as 'the black Minnie Mouse' (is the usual Minnie Mouse white?) She was still uninspiring, bring back Mingberley!
The creepy gurning siblings were holding hands! Yuck! She is a worse singer than him. They are like a couple of nodding dogs waiting for a bone. Louis was cruel to them though: he doesn't like camp? Could have fooled me.
Rhydian was world class: a world class cunt.
Emily was lucky to escape the chop again, and had clearly been styled by the person who used to be let loose on Kate Thornton. They are trying to make her look like a child with all the stupid badges and that but she just ends up looking fugging stupid. Get rid!
Futureproof: good voices, strange faces. Andy- not exactly John Travolta. He's too stoned-looking to do that crazy dancing. He just looked like he'd been in a minor electrocution incident.
Dead Dad was good, and as she didn't mention her dead dad for the first time EVER, I will call her Niki again. Only on a trial basis, mind.
Daniel DeNickyClarke was pretty awful, but his song was utterly shit. Still, I don't feel sorry for him. He was up his own arse. Still think Alisha should have gone; oh well, there's always next week. I'm feeling bored already.

Kristeen Young kicked off Morrissey Tour

I was very disappointed to read about Kristeen Young being kicked off the Moz tour for saying 'Morrissey gives good head... I mean, cunnilingus.' For fucks sake! So what?
I haven't read any of the comments on Morrissey Solo because I know they will aggravate me. Because everyone has hated her for the entire tour, but they've hated her mainly because Morrissey loved her (and because she's a woman).
I didn't like her music, but I liked her style and I liked the way Morrissey was so passionate about her, and I liked the fact she was different. For him to fire her for a flippant comment makes me feel simultaneously let down yet unsurprised with him. I know he protects him privacy fiercely but can't he take a joke? He dishes it out left right and centre (beautifully, of course, see his comment about Judy Finnigan being Richard Madeley's mum, for example). If she had said something deliberately hurtful or rude I'd say fine, but it sounds to me like it was just a glib comment.
It's not just that either. If she had been just some band that Morrissey had as a support, then it would seem less unkind. But he has bigged Kristeen up so much. I have heard him talk about her in the most gushing terms, as if he absolutely adored her. Is he so unforgiving? Of course I know he is unforgiving, but usually with good reason.
Also, check out how stiffly the NME reported this: 'Although she does not confirm what she said onstage, internet reports say that it directly relates to Morrissey in a sexual manner.' That's a little coy isn't it? Don't pussyfoot around for fuck's sake, you nearly ran him out of the country a while back. She mentioned SEX! And?
I wonder which part Morrissey was most offended by: the head or the cunnilingus? He really needs to lighten up. It hurts me to challenge him, because he truly is my idol, but he is SO flawed. I love his flaws but this is just ridiculous.
Doubting Morrissey makes me doubt myself. And I don't like it. But I'm not one of these Morrissey fans who will blindly defend him: I know what he is like. I still love him.
Kristeen: at least you had a good run with him. Don't forget the good stuff. He is a fucked-up bunny. But he's brilliant. Brilliant but a little bit evil.

Panorama- Kidnapped: The Alan Johnston Story

Another wild Friday night for me watching this interview, not even on TV, but on the BBC website. Alan Johnston is an incredibly calm, strong and intelligent man. He is to be admired.
He was kidnapped for 114 days with just a plastic chair for company. It was the little details about his story that made it interesting: the fact he was kidnapped with no glasses on, for example; that would be my worst nightmare. But maybe it would be more bearable for such horrific things to be blurry, fuzzy round the edges.
The kidnappers did allow him out of the room occasionally. Hearing he was dead on the radio, seeing his dad appealing for him on TV; watching a football match; what were the chances that he would get the chance to see or hear these things? They must have been life affirming experiences.
The moment when he was released was incredibly moving: just that word 'free' had such resonance. How must he have felt with those cameras flashing in his face, surrounded by guns? What an amazing sight. How wonderful to have some good news for once.
I hope he means it when he says he won't put himself in danger again!
Right. Now I'm gonna go watch Jordan and Peter.

Eastenders: Once you start lying, keep lying

After the recent excitement of Ian's beard Eastenders hit a new low last week, followed by tonight's half hour of torture (lessened by my trusty Sky Plus).
Last week over-actors anonymous failed to sign up Roxy (and her nylon hair), Billy and the new post-obsessed family leaving us to cringe through a lot of interminable dialogue about nothing. This new asian family really are dreadful, not one personality between four of them. I mean, why? She's a nagging harpy. Plus she looks old enough to be his mum.
Bradley's (new, so I'm told) mum seems to have one eyebrow permanently stapled into the surprised position. She is also unpleasant to watch, as is chav child's dad (what happened to Bert? please don't come back). His storyline (whatever it is) is uninteresting. So uninteresting I fast forwarded it all.
Where the hell has Phil gone??? Come back! Sort it aht! Where's Ben? Did they lock him in a cupboard? Hopefully he'll come back hot.
Patrick- don't care. Fat girl- don't care. Call that a cliff-hanger??? Fuck me. Dig up Dennis. Please!
One good thing: I liked Sean Slaters advice to Peggy: 'Once you start lying, keep lying.' You don't get that sort of insight from a fortune-cookie.

Stereophonics: Pull the Pin

In the name of journalism (well, bloggerism) I just listened to the new Stereophonics album so you don't have to. Well, I listened to the first 30 seconds of each song, does that count? Don't be fooled by the cliched but quite jaunty cover: you aren't going to get a big lipsticky kiss, you're gonna get your soul sapped.
It still makes me sad, just because I LOVED their debut album so much. Local Boy In a Photograph can still make me cry if it's a bad day. A Thousand Trees was an amazing, singalong debut single. Performance and Cocktails was also a great pop album. I wish Kelly Jones had died shortly after that, and then I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed if the Stereophonics show up on my last.fm. I recall one heady night with my flatmate smashing up the JEEP CD with a hammer. Oh, the days before downloading. We meant to post it back to them, but it wasn't really worth the stamp.
It makes me genuinely sad that Kelly Jones is such a cunt. He has the best eyebrows. It also makes me sad that he used to have such a cool voice but now he just sounds like a whiny, petulant, droney numbskull over some horrible guitars. Worse: he's now going all 'political' (i.e. sweeping statements that any Sun reader could put more eloquently).
The songs range from dirgy rock to dirgy tuneless ballad-y one. That's your lot. There is so little to differentiate them. I tried, honest. Oh, OK, 'I could lose ya' included the words 'you could go down on me in a theatre' last used by Alanis Morissette, another famous cunt. Absolutely awful.
I cannot believe this band still has fans, I really can't. It doesn't deserve them. Now I have to go listen to something else, quick. It's the aural equivalent of getting touched up on the tube.

Film Review: Premonition

Being away for the weekend you end up watching films you wouldn't normally watch and so I found myself with my mum and her partner watching Premonition with Sandra Bullock. I've always quite liked Sandra Bullock but lets face it, she's not exactly in very exciting films and she's not exactly an Oscar-winning talent either. But hey ho. Apparently the trailer looked good.
The plot was basically that Sandra Bullock and Dannii Monogue's ex-husband lived out in the woods, eating squirrels. She dreamt that her husband was going to die and had to decide whether to let him or not (as he was a bit of an arse). For a schlocky thriller it sure was a confusing film for the first 45 minutes. It was kind of like Groundhog Day mixed with Memento. When it finally fell into place, it did make sense but until then it was like 'oh is she going to wake up and it's all a dream' as in all the very worst stories you wrote when you were a kid.
Sandra Bullock's acting ranged from slightly frowning to really frowning. The story was kind of ridiculous, but I guess it's good they didn't go for the obvious ending.
All in all not the worst way to kill a Saturday afternoon, but it added nothing to my life.
(They liked it though)

X Factor: First Live Show- 'Like Eating Water for Dinner'

And so the X Factor finals begin. Dermot looked quite hot, even with a slightly Hitler-esque side parting. First on was Kimberley, looking like Marylin Monroe after 10 pints. Simon appeared to be having a hot flush for the first quarter of an hour of the show; either that or he'd hoovered up a sackful of cocaine before the opening credits. Next was Andy, who had clearly been practising smouldering in front of a mirror, but was let down by his comedy eyebrow movements and helmet hair. Futureproof had on their future-proof jackets, but failed to dazzle. Beverley had on a wig. Leon was absoloutely dreadful, like a manic puppet but still looked hot as hell. Emily looked like she'd been dressed in the dark by Kelly Osbourne. Also, cheer the fuck up!
Same Difference: does the world need another Steps? This is a rhetorical question. They're a pair of gonks, aren't they? Dead-dad surprised me by being the best of the night but still managed to shoehorn her dead dad into conversation three times in one thirty second intro clip. Alisha was dullsville, but I didn't think Daniel aka Clicky Nark was as bad as they said, despite having the cold dead eyes of a fish.
I was hoping people had left the thorns in the roses they chucked at Rhydian.
(No) Hope were alright vocally, except they look like a bunch of town centre bacardi-breezer swilling hussies.
Sharon is still the best of the judges, Louis is a weasel, Dannii is pointless, and Simon rocks, coke-binge or not.
It was a travesty Kimberley went, she was fun if nothing else. Alisha is kinda boring. I enjoyed Kimberley going 'oh fuck' after her performance and Sharon stomping off in a huff. Bring on the drama!

Trisha Goddard: Owls are ruining my life!

I'm going away this weekend (to me ma's!) so I had today off, and oh, what a treat daytime TV is. Trisha has given up talking to rabid chavs and now takes on more 'serious issues'. A woman who is scared of owls! She can't go outside at night because of it! Seriously, when was the last time you saw an owl? I went to London Zoo and I still never fucking saw one.
People give her owl ornaments to frighten her. I love owls! Send them to me!
Then that sadistic bitch Trisha played an owl hooting into the studio which made the poor woman cry.
The woman also apparently 'lived in the woods'. Who lives in the woods (except Moon Face)? No one does! This is pure stupidness.
Then after a few minutes of 'brain re-wiring' (i.e. bullshit) Bob's your uncle, and by the end of the show she was fellating an owl on stage.
Trisha, you truly are an angel from heaven.

Dispatches- Abortion: What we need to Know

Well, this programme nailed it's colours to the mast pretty early on with it's opening statement. It was an extremely biased piece of programming from start to finish.
Who is the 'we' that needs to know? Women? Or just people who want to tell women what to do?
It was gross even having a woman narrating it, women don't normally get to narrate serious documentaries, of course. It's just a piece of emotive trickery.
Foetal pain, spine and skulls being crushed all sounds horrific. But what is the Ialternative? Really, what is it? Do we put unborn children before sentient women? Is a woman's biological ability to breed more important than their mental health? Is this the dark ages?
I felt sick with anger the shots of the digital images of the foetus in the womb because that is something amazing and beautiful being used as propaganda against women. The whole 'pain' aspect is completely irrelevant to me: the same people who oppose abortion don't care about killing a cow to make a burger, they feel pain too. But the right of the HUMAN is seen as priority. Why not in this case? The foetus is UNBORN. The woman is the human. Can't we show her compassion?
The fact is, women only have very late abortions for the most horrific of reasons. It's not done casually at this stage, and it's only 1% of the abortion statistics. These women shouldn't be demonised, or made to feel guilty. Those women must go through hell.
They don't need some squirrel-faced Christian do-gooder MAN judging them. It's 'barbaric' (to use his words) to force women to give birth to babies they don't want. Who's going to bring the baby up? The woman will be written off as a single mother and therefore scum. Or if she gives it to the state, then god help it. But they don't think up to this point do they? It's all just dogmatically focused on this foetus.
The documentary stopped even pretending to be scientific halfway though and just went for full on emotive claptrap. I'd like to punch those people outside the Marie Stopes clinic, telling me what the 'bottom line' is. No, here's the bottom line:
If I was pregnant, and there was no abortion (which is where all this is heading, make no mistake, this is using science by stealth to erode women's rights) I wouldn't go get a backstreet abortion, I'd jump off a cliff. There. I get the final say. It's my body. I'm not an incubator. End of story. Bottom line. My life. My body.
interviewing a 16 year old who decided to keep her baby: well good for her! When her baby is 16, she'll be 32. What education will she have? How many books has she read, places has she seen? What does a 16 year old have to teach a child? Which is the greater tragedy?
Worse than that was the footage they showed of abortions which made me feel physically sick. Proper horror movie stuff. Was that supposed to sway me? It just made me feel more certain that I'm right that the pro-life side has to be so vulgar.
One in three women will have an abortion at some point. There will always be stupid kids who take it lightly, but most women don't, and most do not need to be made to feel any guiltier than they already do.
I really hate it too when they speak to women who've had abortions and regretted it. Because there are many, many more who don't look back. And how dare you try and take away our rights, something that you made use of? It was your decision.
I think I only heard the word 'woman' mentioned about twice in this whole programme.
PS. I implore you all to read this article for what we REALLY need to know about abortion; it's so well written, and really admirable, I just found it to be a revelation: http://www.thefword.org.uk/features/2007/10/abortion_still