Now I no longer have Sky I have to get my ANTM fix via torrent (and we're a series behind in the UK, the indignity!) But I'm going to watch it in sync with the Living series and pretend. Don't ruin the magic!
ANTM seems more like groundhog day with each passing series (sorry, CYCLE, Andy!) than X Factor. The only thing that's different is the girls, but the fit their little cliche characters so nicely. They even look the same after a while. I heard there's a new judge but I haven't seen one yet. Jay is the same (silver-haired, insincere smile). Miss J is the same (the least convincing tranny in history). Tyra is the same (attention-seeking psycho). So to pretend it's different they set up some stupid school theme. Hmm, paedo heaven.
So who do we have this year... One with unusually large nostrils. 'A punk, an artist.' Paris Hilton.
Alison is The Bitch. She has Jennifer Connolly eyebrows. One who refers to herself in the Third Person. One who called herself 'crazy'. The Fat One. A tranny. A pretty Polish one. A black Paris Hilton. A girl with no clit and a sewed up labia. Eek. An anaemic tree-hugger. I liked the car one, she was a bit mental. Then they started arguing. And arguing. Oh, God, here we go again.
My pic at the mo is Amy the Mormon. You heard it here last.
Showing posts with label Tyra Banks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tyra Banks. Show all posts
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Monday, 10 December 2007
America's Next Top Model
This is for Andy and Kellie, as at least I know they've been watching it.
So it's the penultimate week. The girls left are Dionne (pretty vacant), Renee(demonic Zoe Ball lookalike), Jaslene (horse-faced borderline drag-queen whom they almost never show- so she aint going to win it) and my favourite Natasha, (pillow-lipped mail order Russian bride). The others hate Natasha because she's better looking than them, and has no inhibitions. Oh, and because she's foreign. It's ugly when people gang up and Natasha took it very well. Personally, I just want to see what Natasha's husband looks like.
I hate Renee because she has no soul. She has already dragged up being poverty-stricken and being abused to garner sympathy. Did you see her grasping for the jewels when she won the challenge? She has no heart. Dionne- the lights are on but nobody's home. And Jaslene is like an annoying caricature.
Today they were in Australia so they did some Aborigine crap. I found it rather tedious. Perhaps they should have dressed up as kangaroos instead. Natasha was ill so she did crap on the shoot, but Jay was trying to help her so he must like her too.
Tyra wasn't in it nearly enough this week. We need her for the comedy factor. She looked really normal too. What a let down. I like it when she's a complete schizo. She did gurn a bit though, so you do get your money's worth somehow.
I was happy at the end! Tyra messed with them. You could see it coming. Fuck you, bitches.
Natasha to win! Sod America. She's ace.
So it's the penultimate week. The girls left are Dionne (pretty vacant), Renee(demonic Zoe Ball lookalike), Jaslene (horse-faced borderline drag-queen whom they almost never show- so she aint going to win it) and my favourite Natasha, (pillow-lipped mail order Russian bride). The others hate Natasha because she's better looking than them, and has no inhibitions. Oh, and because she's foreign. It's ugly when people gang up and Natasha took it very well. Personally, I just want to see what Natasha's husband looks like.
I hate Renee because she has no soul. She has already dragged up being poverty-stricken and being abused to garner sympathy. Did you see her grasping for the jewels when she won the challenge? She has no heart. Dionne- the lights are on but nobody's home. And Jaslene is like an annoying caricature.
Today they were in Australia so they did some Aborigine crap. I found it rather tedious. Perhaps they should have dressed up as kangaroos instead. Natasha was ill so she did crap on the shoot, but Jay was trying to help her so he must like her too.
Tyra wasn't in it nearly enough this week. We need her for the comedy factor. She looked really normal too. What a let down. I like it when she's a complete schizo. She did gurn a bit though, so you do get your money's worth somehow.
I was happy at the end! Tyra messed with them. You could see it coming. Fuck you, bitches.
Natasha to win! Sod America. She's ace.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Canada's Next Top Model (who cares?)
From the cheapy, America's-Next-Top-Model-put-in-a-mixer theme tune you know you're in for trouble. The na-na-na's are there like a bad Kaiser Chief single (is there any other kind?) and it spells wrong, wrong, wrong.
And the source of this wrongness is compounded, of course, by no Tyra. Tyra is Queen of the Fucksticks, but she makes ANTM. From her scary eyes, to her ever-bulging bingo-wings, to her insincere advice, you know exactly what you're getting. Here, you're in No Man's Land. It's like a parallel (cut-price) universe. The new Tyra is bland. I don't even know what her name is. I don't want to know. She's got less character than Twiggy.
The contestants are pretty boring. Even the bitchy one isn't anywhere near bitchy enough. The ugly one's not ugly enough. Some of them look like farmers. I like the one with the big hair but I hate myself for even having a favourite.
There are also some weird people on the panel. There's some woman, I don't fucking know who she is, some ancient model, but she looks like a drag queen, and not like Tyra looks like a drag queen. She looks like she may actually have an Adam's apple. She has the biggest lips I've ever seen and for some reason paints them bright pink or red. But she's no Janice Dickinson. She's more like Miss J. There's also another guy who looks like a burns victim. And some old woman. Blah.
And no Nigel, of course! I like Nigel. He's British and reserved and is a good anchor in the midst of all that campness and pomposity. It's rubbish without Nigel.
The weirdest part is that Jay, the dude with the white blonde hair, IS in this series (sporadically), on the panel. It's like he's killed Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and Twiggy and set up this new cult in Canada. It's very unsettling.
I think the prize is to be like the face of Jif, or Cif, or whatever it's called these days. Come back Tyra. All is forgiven.
PS. I'm not Canadianist. Britain's Next Top Model was ten times worse and looked like it was filmed on a set made of tin foil. Let's just leave this whole thing to the experts.
And the source of this wrongness is compounded, of course, by no Tyra. Tyra is Queen of the Fucksticks, but she makes ANTM. From her scary eyes, to her ever-bulging bingo-wings, to her insincere advice, you know exactly what you're getting. Here, you're in No Man's Land. It's like a parallel (cut-price) universe. The new Tyra is bland. I don't even know what her name is. I don't want to know. She's got less character than Twiggy.
The contestants are pretty boring. Even the bitchy one isn't anywhere near bitchy enough. The ugly one's not ugly enough. Some of them look like farmers. I like the one with the big hair but I hate myself for even having a favourite.
There are also some weird people on the panel. There's some woman, I don't fucking know who she is, some ancient model, but she looks like a drag queen, and not like Tyra looks like a drag queen. She looks like she may actually have an Adam's apple. She has the biggest lips I've ever seen and for some reason paints them bright pink or red. But she's no Janice Dickinson. She's more like Miss J. There's also another guy who looks like a burns victim. And some old woman. Blah.
And no Nigel, of course! I like Nigel. He's British and reserved and is a good anchor in the midst of all that campness and pomposity. It's rubbish without Nigel.
The weirdest part is that Jay, the dude with the white blonde hair, IS in this series (sporadically), on the panel. It's like he's killed Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and Twiggy and set up this new cult in Canada. It's very unsettling.
I think the prize is to be like the face of Jif, or Cif, or whatever it's called these days. Come back Tyra. All is forgiven.
PS. I'm not Canadianist. Britain's Next Top Model was ten times worse and looked like it was filmed on a set made of tin foil. Let's just leave this whole thing to the experts.
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
America's Next Top Model: What's that coming over the hill?
Last week less-than-flattering pictures of Tyra Banks emerging from the water like the Loch Ness Monster were published in various low rent magazines of the variety I read. This was followed up by a bizarre online video of Tyra (presumably on her show) ranting about how 'all women are beautiful, whatever their shape and size'.
Except, of course, if you're a contestant on America's Top Model. You'd better be thin, and you'd better be prepared to get naked/ make a fool of yourself/ hack your hair off. I thought they'd be hacking their hair of this week, but alas, no.
But Nigel was back! Yay. And Twiggy. Hmm, whatever.
'Miss' J looked as bored as Simon Cowell is looking on Seasion 476 of American Idol.
The girls moved into Tyra Towers, a narcissistic delight festooned with billboard-sized posters of Tyra looking airbrushed in a variety of different ways. What a vain bitch.
Later Tyra did some weird thing where she pretended to be a superbitch model (like you're not). Her gurning is getting worse every week. She told the boot-ugly Asian girl that she should learn to love her dark eyes (despite having blue/green contacts in herself).
In the final bit where they boot folk out, Tyra's flab was there for all to see, she's done the Courtney trick of squeezing it all into something very tight, but nothing can hide those bingo wings.
Practice what you preach, Tyra. Or how long will it be before the empire crumbles, and a thousand skinny models go flying?
Except, of course, if you're a contestant on America's Top Model. You'd better be thin, and you'd better be prepared to get naked/ make a fool of yourself/ hack your hair off. I thought they'd be hacking their hair of this week, but alas, no.
But Nigel was back! Yay. And Twiggy. Hmm, whatever.
'Miss' J looked as bored as Simon Cowell is looking on Seasion 476 of American Idol.
The girls moved into Tyra Towers, a narcissistic delight festooned with billboard-sized posters of Tyra looking airbrushed in a variety of different ways. What a vain bitch.
Later Tyra did some weird thing where she pretended to be a superbitch model (like you're not). Her gurning is getting worse every week. She told the boot-ugly Asian girl that she should learn to love her dark eyes (despite having blue/green contacts in herself).
In the final bit where they boot folk out, Tyra's flab was there for all to see, she's done the Courtney trick of squeezing it all into something very tight, but nothing can hide those bingo wings.
Practice what you preach, Tyra. Or how long will it be before the empire crumbles, and a thousand skinny models go flying?
Monday, 29 January 2007
America's Next Top Model: Series 1 Million
It feels like about three months ago that the last America's next top model ended. In fact, I'm sure it WAS three months ago. I feel like i've watched six series in about a year. Is Tyra a workaholic? Should they rename the show America's Next Top Model (for five seconds)?
Now Tyra is back with another line up of walking skeletons and as usual we settle down to watch and say 'Urgh! She's ugly!' about 45 times. There MUST be some better looking people in the whole of the USA. Where do they GET these people? I can't decide who's the ugliest, the freakish asian girl (after three weeks of looking at Shilpa, she is just unacceptable) or the twins who look like a pair of rednecks. Seriously, have any of these 'models' even been laid? If so, how?
I'm not saying there aren't some good bodies there. These women's legs are so different looking to mine theirs may as well be slivers of moonbeam and mine buckets full of sludge. It's a different stratosphere of legginess and skinnyness.
So far I like the cute alternative one with short hair. She'll no doubt get kicked out quick sharp cos the ones I like aways do.
About halfway through the show I panicked and suddenly thought, 'Where's Nigel?' We need his English sense of reserve and reason. I hope he shows up in the next show or we're stuck with Tyra's ever growing sixhead, 'Miss' J's Pocahontas schtick and that gay guy with the silver hair whom I always think should be on Queer Eye. I take it Twiggy's fucked off back to Marks and Spencers as well.
I like the bits where they cut off all their hair and make them even uglier. Isn't it weird though, how the most distorted face can take the coolest pictures? Very handy that!
Now Tyra is back with another line up of walking skeletons and as usual we settle down to watch and say 'Urgh! She's ugly!' about 45 times. There MUST be some better looking people in the whole of the USA. Where do they GET these people? I can't decide who's the ugliest, the freakish asian girl (after three weeks of looking at Shilpa, she is just unacceptable) or the twins who look like a pair of rednecks. Seriously, have any of these 'models' even been laid? If so, how?
I'm not saying there aren't some good bodies there. These women's legs are so different looking to mine theirs may as well be slivers of moonbeam and mine buckets full of sludge. It's a different stratosphere of legginess and skinnyness.
So far I like the cute alternative one with short hair. She'll no doubt get kicked out quick sharp cos the ones I like aways do.
About halfway through the show I panicked and suddenly thought, 'Where's Nigel?' We need his English sense of reserve and reason. I hope he shows up in the next show or we're stuck with Tyra's ever growing sixhead, 'Miss' J's Pocahontas schtick and that gay guy with the silver hair whom I always think should be on Queer Eye. I take it Twiggy's fucked off back to Marks and Spencers as well.
I like the bits where they cut off all their hair and make them even uglier. Isn't it weird though, how the most distorted face can take the coolest pictures? Very handy that!
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