From the cheapy, America's-Next-Top-Model-put-in-a-mixer theme tune you know you're in for trouble. The na-na-na's are there like a bad Kaiser Chief single (is there any other kind?) and it spells wrong, wrong, wrong.
And the source of this wrongness is compounded, of course, by no Tyra. Tyra is Queen of the Fucksticks, but she makes ANTM. From her scary eyes, to her ever-bulging bingo-wings, to her insincere advice, you know exactly what you're getting. Here, you're in No Man's Land. It's like a parallel (cut-price) universe. The new Tyra is bland. I don't even know what her name is. I don't want to know. She's got less character than Twiggy.
The contestants are pretty boring. Even the bitchy one isn't anywhere near bitchy enough. The ugly one's not ugly enough. Some of them look like farmers. I like the one with the big hair but I hate myself for even having a favourite.
There are also some weird people on the panel. There's some woman, I don't fucking know who she is, some ancient model, but she looks like a drag queen, and not like Tyra looks like a drag queen. She looks like she may actually have an Adam's apple. She has the biggest lips I've ever seen and for some reason paints them bright pink or red. But she's no Janice Dickinson. She's more like Miss J. There's also another guy who looks like a burns victim. And some old woman. Blah.
And no Nigel, of course! I like Nigel. He's British and reserved and is a good anchor in the midst of all that campness and pomposity. It's rubbish without Nigel.
The weirdest part is that Jay, the dude with the white blonde hair, IS in this series (sporadically), on the panel. It's like he's killed Tyra, Nigel, Miss J and Twiggy and set up this new cult in Canada. It's very unsettling.
I think the prize is to be like the face of Jif, or Cif, or whatever it's called these days. Come back Tyra. All is forgiven.
PS. I'm not Canadianist. Britain's Next Top Model was ten times worse and looked like it was filmed on a set made of tin foil. Let's just leave this whole thing to the experts.