Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Desperate Virgins

OK it's not me whose obsessed with virgins, it's Channel 4! I just report the facts. Apparently 96% of people have lost their virginity before 25. I'm suprised it's that high, I really don't think everyone's doing it. Probably some virgins are lying.
This programme was very sad. It followed three virgins, the first was 49, and he got glandular fever from the first girl he ever snogged which paralysed him! WTF? So now he spent his time inviting glamour models to his flat and taking pictures of them for an hour. What right-minded woman would go to a strange mans flat and let him take their picture? You're asking for your head to be cut off. As it was, they were safe with this guy, because he was extremely strange, but a virgin. It was very sad the way all he really wanted was to hug someone. How awful to go for years on end without a hug. I can't even imagine it. He did lose it in the end. To a hooker.
The second guy was 29, had kind of a strange head and made model rockets at the weekend. He wasn't so ugly he could never have sex. I felt ever so sorry for him when he said 'I've tried different friends, different venues, different clothing styles...' Different clothing styles! Like what? Golf wear? Nu Rave? Clothes maketh the man! You can't change your style willy nilly. This is where you're going wrong, mate. Awwww. There must be someone out there to love him. He also had THE Ikea lamp! Of course he did! Get a new lamp, geezer! Didn't think of that, did you? PS. The pictures of jets on your bedroom wall don't exactly scream shag-pad. He didn't lose it. His foreskin was too tight so he had to go to hospital.
The third virgin was a 43 year old woman and was a virgin because of religious reasons but decided she'd had enough of shagging God. And why not? He can be selfish in bed. Instead she decided to sleep with a Chippendale-esque escort. How could she face it? I'd feel like Jabba the Hutt next to him and I'm young (ish). Anyway. She lost it. To a hooker.
It's a shame that the solution to these people's problems seemed to be to pay someone to fuck them. Living without love is worse than living without sex and I felt sad that they'd never experienced that.
In conclusion: have these people never heard of the internet? ANYONE can get laid these days and I mean ANYONE, tonight if they wanted. For free.
Hallelujah.

7 comments:

Catherine said...

Yeah, you're right, I could have gone down the local pub, picked up a complete stanger, taken him home and shagged him. Or done the same via the internet.
But you know what. Tracking down a cute escort (and the Chippendale pic they used wasn't 'my' guy; mine was hotter...), chatting via email, meeting so I could check him out - and finding I clicked with him better than any other blind date I've been on - and then having sex with someone I now consider a friend turned out to be a darn sight better than most people's first time.
And of course I'd prefer to have a 'real' lover and partner. But i also know plenty of people in so-called couples who grin and bear their dead relationship. And in the absence of a good, loving partner, being able to choose a cute, kind, considerate, complimentary gentleman for some sex and tlc on MY terms is a darn sight better than what they've got!
So, it costs - but don't we all, in some way pay for it?
Nice to know that you're concerned for mine and the 2 guys' hearts tho'.
with all good wishes,
Catherine, the 43 yr old ex-virgin (and didn't that provide some emotional relief - and was worth it for that alone).

lightupvirginmary said...

I knew this would happen eventually- that as a critic I'd be found out by someone I comment on- AND I don't even get paid for it! Dammit.
Still, it's kind of exciting.
There ARE plenty of people in awful relationships, horrible relationships and who's to say what's better?
I'm glad you felt fulfilled by it and I'm sure there's love out there for you- good for you for going for it.
I hope there's lots more fun to be had. It's better to lose your virginity in love, of course. But the majority of people aren't lucky enough to have that happen.

Ossian said...

most blokes want virgins. so, whatever.

worse than being a virgin, is never having made love to a virgin.

lightupvirginmary said...

I've deflowered many a virgin. Do male virgins have flowers? ;-)

Catherine said...

Yup. he was one of the best things I ever did.;0)
And I'll be going back for more, to get me up to speed. Seeing him is like having stabilsers on your bicycle 'til you feel ready to go off on your own...
I'd just been the 'good Christian girl' for far too long. It was doing my head in. Thank God I kept my faith and had a great sesh. All the crap and misery that was in my head just disappeared practically instantly.
Brilliant.

With all good wishes,
Catherine
P.S I wouldn't have wanted a fellow virgin. I needed someone who knew exactly what he was doing. He was delicious.

Ossian said...

virgin to virgin must be rare these days. that must be the best, though in On Chesil Beach it is like tantric frustration. also in the last picture show. not in life, not for me anyway.

Ossian said...

If somebody who gets something implanted can still be a virgin, that would explain one of the church's mysteries: A.I. by celestial donor paraclete/dove. Now for the 3-in-1: schizophrenia, a deity with multiple personality disorder. You'd think they could've made one a woman, at least. The father, the son and the eh, not mother, what can we have, oh I don't know, how about the Holy Ghost, that'll do for now.