Celebrity Big Brother - Boot me out, buttercup

Eviction night. I'm so glad this is on at 9pm tonight. I am so tired and ill, I just couldn't have waited. I feel like Tara Reid in the middle of her delusions today. Darryn isn't really that scary. He is annoying, though.
Could there be a more loathsome couple than Kerry and Lucien? Honestly, they are gross. Bobby was right, after all.
LOL at Pamela playing the charity card. 'At risk teens'? The only at risk teens I know are Dan Savage's text savvy at risk youth. And I don't think they're that popular. I don't care about at risk teens, you're a boring housemate! I wish Sally was still in there.
They are stitching Tara up quite bad with this nominations crap. Darryn and Bobby have both done worse.
Some of those combined names could have been executed a bit better. Pamela and Bobby, Pobby, not Pambob, surely? These tasks are soooo boring. I'm just not bothered. I don't really care who goes, but in a way I hope it's Darryn, because he's gunning for Tara, big time. And she's one of the only decent people in the house. And even she's a bit ropey. But it's annoying that Tara has to mimic Amy, who's a nobody. At least Tara has actually done something with her life other than had a couple of catchphrases and a spray tan.
Darryn is ALWAYS stirring the pot. I can't stand him. I'd love to see his face if he goes. There's nothing worth listening to coming out of his mouth. 'The boss' is right. Just like 'much loved' Carol and Vinnie Jones before him. Long live Alex Reid.
Lucien and Bobby laughing at Pamela saying she nearly died. Nice. This is edited so badly that you can't really tell what is going on. Pamela DOES talk over people, though.
So, Pamela went. I don't like what that might do to Darryn's ego. In a vote to evict, he would have been Jedward's toast tower. What's the point in booing her? She doesn't know what day of the week it is! I'd definitely sit up and take notice if everyone said I didn't listen, though. I'd be horrified if people thought that about me.
I like Pamela getting to choose the noms. If she can give a straight answer. She chose well, for the most part. That was about the only interesting thing that happened the whole time. She was totally swayed by the baying crowd, though. I wish she'd saved Tara. Still don't get the Kerry thing.
Sorry this blog is so gash. I'm dying. I'm going to eat some crumpets, take a zopyclone and hopefully sleep back my sanity. Normal service will be resumed soon.

Celebrity Big Brother - It's rank, let's do this

I'm ill! Yet still I blog. See what I go through for you? Quality cannot be guaranteed.
No hot water. Surely nothing can beat Victor and his sniffles.
I knew Bobby wouldn't like Tara saying he was scared as he's such a 'red blooded male'. God, I hate the way Bobby talks to Tara, he's a disgrace. What a disgusting human being. I feel sorry for Tara. Why are all the men in that house (except Jedward and Paddy) such arseholes?
I think Danny Dyer mis-sold Paddy to us as one of Britain's deadliest men. He's a pussycat.
I like the way Tara talks, the sound of her voice, the way she phrases things. She shouldn't be sad about losing Lucien's friendship, he's completely useless as a human being. She might be nutty but at least she's got heart.
I think they're playing Digitalism over this task. Very hip. Garlic smoothies! No thanks. OMG I hate seeing people barf on TV.
Bobby taking his shirt off to do the task. Put it away. It's funny how someone so handsome can just become vile because of their personality.
Did Jedward really do that to their T-shirts? It looks good! I wanna do mine.
Paddy didn't like that garlic ice-cream much, did he? He's got some funny one liners in him. Is he crying for his mummy? Not so hard!
Darryn's 'not bothered' about his nominations. Just like Siavash was 'all good' after Noreen fucked him over and her prize knobend of a boyfriend turned up. Yeah. It's all good. Paddy looked genuinely upset, first Sally, now Darryn on the block.
WTF is going on with Kerry and Lucien? They're both odious. I don't want to see them getting it on. He's about her level of intelligence, though.
Kerry to Pamela: 'you've misinterpretated what I've said.' You've misinterpreted how to say misinterpreted. How about kicking someone when they're down?
God, these Fright Night actors must be fucking desperate flogging their wares on BB. They look a bloody fright. This is NOT what Big Brother is about. More outside people.
Sick in the bath! I've been there.
I should have known Darryn and Kerry would be stirring the pot whilst the others were having fun. Amy is being a bit of a dick, too. Amy's not that stupid, though, she's onto Lucien.
Why are they all laughing at Paddy? I don't get it. Aw, he misses his wife. He's not even saying sorry to God for swearing. Is he upset about Darryn being up for nomination? Why is he mad about seeing that film? That's not very good PR. I'm surprised they showed it. In BBUSA they FORCE them to enjoy the film and say nice things about it after.
OMG Lucien is selling Tara up the river! Yeah, you are a fucking sheep. Darryn swaying Lucien by telling him not to be swayed. Hilarious. This is an Oscar winning performance by Darryn here. Oh, Lucien. You've hitched your apple wagon to the wrong star, my dear. Tomorrow; you'll find out.

Celebrity Big Brother - Pull yourself together, you're a grown up

What the fuck would we do if Jedward wasn't in the house? Where would the entertainment be? Darren grumbling, Amy's thousand yard stare, Lucien Laviscount's burgeoning hatred of the fairer sex?
Kerry, if you miss your kids so much why don't you just fuck off? No one would miss you.
I think Darryn is right that the booze affected Tara last night. Kerry is mad because her 'I miss my kids' schtick is being ignored. Because we're sick of hearing about it.
I swear, Jedward could entertain themselves in a prison cell.
Kerry - highly sexed? Please, fucking spare us. Lucien is one sexist SOAB. He's got a lot to learn.
Pamela's name dropping is mental. Charles and Diana are brother and sister? I think the Queen might have something to say about that. Oh, she did mean Earl Spencer. Still not the most famous Charles connected to Diana.
Nominations! At last, This is what we've been waiting for. If you don't want to hear Pamela moaning, stop asking her if she's OK, Amy. I totally agree with Amy's reason for nominating of Bobby.
Bobby nominated Pamela for sleep walking! A bit harsh. And I don't believe he's nominating Darryn because of the cooking, do you?
Darryn, Bobby made you drink his own sweat and you're nominating Tara? You cock. I'm surprised he didn't nominate Jedward, either. I think he knows it would be a wasted vote.
Yay, Jedward nominated Lucien! Yes! And Darryn. Their nominations were ace.
Fuck Kerry Katona nominating Tara for 'mood swings'. She can talk!
Jedward don't seem to have much understanding of personal space, do they?
I liked Paddy's nomination of Bobby for toast bribery.
I'm glad Bobby's getting a few noms. I think Pamela needs to take heeds of these nominations. I'd hate to find out I just don't listen.
Jedward as babies was amazing. I was crying with laughter. They have no shame! They are so naive and strange and alien.
All this focus on Pamela/Kerry is sooooo boring. I hope she goes so we can see more Jedward baby action instead.
My boyfriend told me they WERE allowed to talk about nominations! I've heard them talk about nominations at least ten times so far. Tara was telling everyone who to nominate last week. Why are they cracking down today?
And why is Bobby having a go at Tara because HE GOT CAUGHT OUT. That man is such prize-winning cunt. He's a self-obsessed, stuck up prick of the highest order who can't even keep a consistent personality going on for half a day.
Jedward: 'If we want to use big words in conversation we will, but we don't want to waste out time.' Genius.
I wish Lucien Laviscount would drop dead sometime soon as well. I don't care about his feelings or his fauxmance with Kerry.
Yes, I am a bit angry today. I need a lie down.

Celebrity Big Brother - A thank you wagon area

Who the fuck is Bobby to tell Amy how much make-up to wear? I hate that guy so much, it's like some passive aggressive misogynistic I-fancy-you-yet-don't-fancy-you bullshit. Just l
Darryn on his parrot's TV habits: 'He loves anything on the Amazon.'
Kerry's tabloid tales: zzz. Go and get a fucking therapist, for fuck's sake, I'm sick of hearing about it.
I like Jedward's goth look today. Their role plays were the lols. Honestly, the lot of them carry on like 12-year-olds.
I'm annoyed that Marco Pierre White is on this show. More outside world, more flim flam. I just want to see the housemates sitting around and bickering, I don't want all this extraneous taskery. I don't want a fucking cookery lesson. There's enough cookery on TV! How much are they paying this cunt? They should have spent that money on some decent celebs. Marco Pollo indeed! Watching Marco try all these foods. What riveting TV.
Jedward are like naughty little elves mucking up the kitchen. The water going all over the floor was mega. I wonder if they're going to get punished?
Jedward's toast sculpture: 'it's not waste, it's like modern art.'
Lucient Laviscount handily reminding us what a mini-misogynist cunt he is in the making. 'Born that short just to give head'? Gross.
Tara is having some ex-meth head paranoia. She's talking complete mentalist talk right now. Is she drunk? She's gone loco.
Pamela's sleep talk was classic. I love sleep talk. My friends (and Darryn) think she was faking it, but a 'thank you wagon area'. Fuck me.
Tara and Pamela together are a box of bonkers. Does Tara really think Darryn can ruin her career? What career? I still like her, though, she's a good character.

Celebrity Big Brother - I'm not a big fan of William Shakespeare

'What's a flannel?' Bobby is teaching Jedward to shave. Tomorrow, Amy will be teaching them to french kiss.
Amy: 'I get so much make-up sent to me.' Well, still no need to wear it all at once.
Shopping list times! Darryn getting mad at Jedward is just too easy. What are Jedward ordering, Starmix and Transform-a-snacks?
Pamela is sucking all the oxygen out of the room. When will they do the first round of proper nominations? I want to see who Jedward are gunning for.
Jedward prank times! Imagine if Vinnie Jones was in that house, I think he'd have actually stabbed them both to death by now. Loved them torturing Darryn! They've got balls. Poor Darryn, house victim. He has no sense of humour either, he's such a curmudgeon. I really want to show him the door sooner rather than later.
I read in a magazine that Tara, met, got engaged and married her boyfriend all on the same day! That's pretty cool. But it doesn't excuse all her endless psychobabble.
Jedward's bathtime was hilarious, especially one mopping up using his brother. They are so peculiar, I love it.
I thought the secret task was quite funny. Amy looked like she was struggling to read, let alone speak. Amy always has a glazed look on her face like birds are tweeting around her head. But Bobby patronising her was just pathetic, it really is too easy. I feel sorry for her being so thick, it must be rubbish not to be able to understand any fucking thing.
Pamela is getting way too much airtime tonight. Why is she getting a phone call from home? What has she done to deserve it? Wow, that was the most tuneless rendition of happy birthday I've ever heard. That conversation with her daughter was mental, she barely let them speak.
It's quite cute how Paddy liked Sally. It is a shame Sally went.
Tuna and ketchup straight from the can! I swear, Jedward make my eating habits look normal.
Pamela vs Lucien. Like who could we give a shit about less. Pamela would really get in my wick in there. But Darryn is an utter cunt. Honestly, the level of sexism in this house is unutterable. I'm so sick of hearing about 'I'm a man, I'm a real man' and all this fucking bullshit that I've never heard anyone in real life say.
More therapy speak from Pamela! Darryn's got daddy issues? Oh just go home, Pamela. You're not crab eyes. No one will be bothered.
Big Brother still not trending on Twitter, despite the fact Patrick Wolf was trending yesterday! I love Patrick, but his appeal if fairly niche. Must try harder. Live feed, please.

Celebrity Big Brother - This is Big Brother, please swear

We're watching this in HD! Got Sky today. Drinking cheapo champagne too! HIGH LIFE.It actually looks quite good in HD. Crisp!
Intro woman: 'Who goes? let's find out shall we.' That's not the well known catchphrase is it?
Another tedious catch up for the 'casual viewer' who Five cares more about than actual fans. What fucked up logic is that, we want the show to appeal to the casual viewer. So you want the show to appeal to people who don't give a shit about it, whilst alienating people who love it? Er, are you stupid? As Bobby would say, 'fucking boneheads'.
Fuck me, is this show only an hour, and about ten minutes so far have been a catch up. I feel like I'm being slowly lobotomised by C5. At least the eviction interview will be mercilessly brief.
Kerry to the Tin Man: 'Lightening, you'd better be careful.' Actual wit!
Diana tales! Wow I forgot to care in 1996. Darryn jerking off over Diana, nice. This is cutting edge TV! PINKY AND PERKY not Pinky and Percy, you knob end. Stop saying it.
Kerry shut up about your fucking kids, don't use that as currency to get us to keep you. People keep saying she's popular, well, so's chlamydia. Speaking AS A MOTHER. well I'm not a mother. I'm speaking as a SENTIENT HUMAN.
My boyfriend is saying 'Brian knows how to sell a phone number after all those years on the Mint.'
What is this magic trick shit about? More contact with the outside world! I don't know why they don't just give them mobile phones and a hotline to the 3am girls (are they still going?)
I liked Jedward annoying Amy by chopping carrots in a noisy fashion. Hey, at least they're cooking, right?
That task was so badly explained- we didn't have any clue what the rules were so couldn't really get involved. I didn't know it was a shopping task. I didn't know anything. Because I was too busy being told what happened yesterday.
Amy's dancing was a bit like a sexual assault. Is that how people dance? I thought you have to pay for that sort of dancing *sexist*.
I hate Kerry talking about the 'British public' like she's a cut above it.
Why has Brian got trousers six inches too long on?
LOVED the booing for Bobby! What is Kerry wearing, she looks like a fairy on top of the Christmas tree. Interesting Brian told them it was a vote to save. I liked Jedward smirking at Sally going. Wow, they're evicting her quick! They're not fucking about.
That eye at the top of the stage looks good. Shame Sally is going as she's a good character even though she's a cunt.
Indoor interview. Looks like they're in a cockpit. First one out is not that embarrassing, as it wasn't a house vote, but a Kerry vote. Only 1% in it.
I prefer Brian's interview style to Davina's. He's asking quickfire questions but they are quite good questions.
Why isn't Brian telling her Kerry did that tantrum as part of a task! Not sure about that edit at the end, especially showing her picking her nose. Where's John Bercow! He should be there supporting his woman.
Marco Pierre White. Hopefully he's rustle up Jedward some snap, crackle and council pop and fuck off again.
Live feed!

Celebrity Big Brother - It would be lovely to have Paddy behind us, yapping away

My boyfriend is eating something that if you ate it in the Big Brother house you'd rightly be called an animal. Micro chips, hotdog sausages and cheese. I've heard it's Jedward's favourite dins.
Wizzzzzard of Oz task. As all the tasks have been framed around the different personalities, is this task based on Kerry's love of whizz?
I'm surprised Bobby agreed to wear the dress as he's such a poser.
Darryn's mad because they said he hasn't got a heart. Your card is marked, Sally. He's gonna pap you to death. See her check herself out in the mirror in her Dorothy garb. Yes like Dorothy if she's had a chin like a a builder.
Bobby calling Amy thick. Nice. And the boobs comment, too. He's all class, that one.
Darryn is livid! Darryn can't get into his trousers. Should have got lipo instead. He's the main source of bitterness in that house.
Why does Amy look so far away in the DR chair? She looks smaller than Yoda.
Tara: 'it smells like throw up' about some unidentified liquid.
Amy and Darryn are right about Bobby; he does have balls in the DR but not out of it.
Loved Paddy in his dog basket going 'for fuck's sake.'
Oh Darryn, get over it, you idiot. People think you're heartless because you're a superficial prick. Also, Abs from Five called. He wants his six pack back.
I think Bobby has got something with him. What's sweat-gate all about? What's going on in his head? He's mildly psychopathic, I think.
Amy getting tortured was quite amusing. She got the maths question right! Impressive. Amy is like Jesus up on that cross. She is the resurrection of thickery. That section of the show went on for about five minutes too long.
My boyfriend is now getting mad because it's not clear what the task is to win. He wants clear outcomes before he becomes invested in this task! I don't think we every found out.
Sally sounded like Vicky Pollard when she was arguing with Darryn. 'No no no no no no no.' 'All she had to go through to get here...' Yeah, she wore that sheet made of barbed wire. Tirelessly tweeted. Slept with that gross politician so we have heard of her in the first place (now there's feminism in action).
Klosh times! Bankroll times, more like. Darryn is sinking into martyrdom right now.
He should have gone to see the parrot! Isn't it stressful to cart animals around for TV shows? Call Peta. I love Darryn crying in his Tin Man outfit. He's only crying because he didn't get his dins. 'Just enjoy the food!' Yes we'll enjoy it in the face of your emotional blackmail. We'll eat it all up.
Is that parrot still sitting there? For fuck's sake, get him a taxi.
DID Bobby put that in his MOUTH? OMG! He should be thrown out for that. Why is Darryn being so cool about it. He's going to blow. This is the weirdest thing ever. And why did Darryn say 'you pissed in it' as if that was normal? My head is bent right now.
Tara's husband sounded about as mentally stable as she is. Look at Darryn lording it. Oh god, I can see right through him. Except about sweat gate. I'll never understand that as long as I live. Unless he's planning some spectacular revenge.
Sally has had a 'gruelling' day. It's not exactly a trip down the mines, is it?
Oh now Bobby is sorry for what he said about Kerry. His flip flopping is annoying, just pick a fucking personality and stick to it. 'I don't agree with some of the choices you've made.' What fucking business is it of his?
Advert: Kerry Katona is speaking to OK about her meltdown??! Where's she doing that interview, in the diary room? Just about sums it up, doesn't it.

Celebrity Big Brother - Jedward are meditating in a fort they built earlier

Oh fucking hell, they're not regurgitating that electric shock task again, are they? Are we that fresh out of ideas? Every thought of going into a room with a flipchart and someone who cares about the show and thinking of a new one?
Oh it's the waking up montage! Riveting. And who's this person on my screen? Handily they've scrawled it on there for me. 'Kerry'. No, never heard of her.
Flashback! Oh yes, I remember this from yesterday. I'm not braindead. I am being treated like it, though and it's getting boring.
Bobby is so playing up to the cameras, now. I think I preferred him mute. Darryn's a product? That's rich coming from a professional coat hanger.
Have you noticed how close Tara Reid's eyebrows are to her eyes? There's virtually no room for eyeshadow. She's on a name-dropping tip.
I want to go under that blanket Kerry's under. It looks cosy.
Oh God, the 'do you want kids' chat. Oh, it quickly turned to animal talk. That's better. I personally don't think you should have a dog when you're a celebrity and travel all over. It's not fair on them. But I liked Tara crying over her dog, it seemed real.
Jedward's fort was reminiscent of Chicken Stu and Michelle's under the table activities.
I hate people like Amy who just repeat the same illiterate thing over and over again. Darryn is very happy to stoke that fire. He's a curmudgeonly old thing.
Sally 'that looks disgusting if you don't mind me saying so.' Well, I do actually, you rude cunt. Why does everyone hate Pamela so much? She's a bit in her own world, but so what. She's nothing on Jedward. I bet Jedward will like that meal! They like weird food.
God, Sally is so fucking rude. You'd be better off just saying 'you're an idiot' than digging away at her. You can be polite without 'bullshitting'.
How come these celebs don't have to sit in an ashtray to smoke? WTF is up with Tara? She's a wreck! What's she scared of? Pamela's cooking? Darryn's abs?
Jedward's counselling services are probably not going to be in great demand when they leave the house, let's put it that way. But they do have glittery hoodies. If Jedward just sit and go 'you're OK' at you, does that make things OK? I think it might freak me out. Tara you won't work again because you're a dried up old druggie, not cos of BB, you drama queen.
Big Brother has no interest in John and Edward as individuals. It just wants to take the mickey. They look cute in their little outfits. The pink one in particular! That is quite funny, though. I suspect they're not going to do very well.
Ok, I take back what I said about the task, that was funny. That was so sweet when they cuddled at the end. They are such strange little people. I want to pet them.
Bobby and Lucien; what chemistry! What a genuine lifelong friendship.
Kerry wants to eat her children. Is that advised?
Jedward with a billion dollars in their back pocket. What would they spend it on? This conversation reminds me of when Stephen Baldwin was trying to turn Alex Reid into the new James Bond. American optimism.
I like Jedward with their curly quiffs. They are Morrisseyeque. I want to be able to tell Jedward apart. But I can't!
Amy: 'I'm from Essex... it's very orange.' Lucien's never had a girlfriend. You do surprise me, he's such a well-rounded and mature young man. This boy talk is depressing.
I liked watching them get all dressed up for the wedding. Amy's dress was nice! The on the shelf Jedward will probably cry. Amy looks so much like Jordan, it's weird. I want to see her with the make up off. That kiss was hilarious! I imagine it will be much like that on John's real wedding night. With Edward hidden in a suitcase. Why would you need a partner if you get all your emotional needs met from your twin? For sex? I don't think they're that bothered. That girlfriend or girlfriends will only come between them.
This party is the lols. Bobby cornered by a drunk, loud Kerry going on about herself. He can't even be bothered to be polite anymore.
Bobby doing the whole Alex Sibley talking to the mirror thing. Looking down on Kerry because she's common. I can't stand him and his good-looking privilege. OMG him calling her gross! Who does he think he is? She is a fucking mess, but she doesn't need him pointing it out like a dick in the corridor. If he feels that strongly why doesn't he tell her what's what. Because he prefers to do it behind backs like a whiny little baby.
Why did he go in and think he'd fancy Amy? She's obviously beneath him. The lamest thing ever is when the contestants talk to the cameras. In my opinion, they shouldn't even show it.
I really wish Channel 4 still had this show. Getting fed up with Five's antics now. Plus the celebs are useless. Still love it though, ha.

Celebrity Big Brother - I am not a sausage, OK?

Listen, Mr Paparazzi, Jedward don't do dishes, they just get plebs like you to do it for them.
OK the musical interludes are getting on my wick a little now. I didn't mind them at first. It just feels like more flim flam and padding which we can ill afford.
At least Lucien idiotface is admitting he fancies Amy now. More bullying of her to come later, then.
Darryn is like a grumpy old git. I love the fact he's getting so wound up by Jedward as they just swan round looking glamorous.
Gang member cleaning rota time! Yeah Pamela can whip those gang members into shape, but she'll never tame Jedward. Hold on, Jedward were cleaning the windows the other day, after they moved in! They've done their bit.
Sally is 'FINE!' Is it all good? Yes, she's super. I liked her showing her teeth a bit anyway.
How do Jedward get their hair to stay up like that! I like them going to eat their food 'in private in the bedroom' and then tipping it down the loo. Been there, done that like a gazillion times. Should have just left it for the others! Their freaky eating makes me appreciate them even more! I like their little red housecoats. The are completely mental, aren't they?
Darryn. Please. Put. It. Away.
Aw, no one wants to watch Jedward's TV show. It wasn't Jedward's fault the coleslaw fell out of the fridge. Sad face.
Uh oh, Jedward tried to pull Amy's knick knocks off. NOW there's going to be trouble. Darryn and Paddy are way too aggressive. Jedward have got a screw loose, so I don't know if they can even be held responsible for sexual assault. Just like Michael Jackson, hahaha.
Oh well, their TV show must go on. I like the fact they're all like 'they need to learn'. Only ONE of them did it. If one of them does a rape, the other one doesn't get a visit from the Tell Off Man. They are seperate entities (sort of).
Sally is speaking sense about Jedward. Darryn is just looking for an excuse to get rid of them.
Big Brother aren't even telling us which one did it! Oh, it was John. Amy's not worried about the sexual assault, she's worried about her arse looking flabby. This is feminism in action.
Sally, it's not the done thing to say you're looking forward to nominating. Also your juvenile baiting of 'authority' ie. the Daily Mail is absolutely ridiculous. It is so petty and insecure, she's like a teenager refusing to tidy her room. I'm half expecting her to get her nose pierced next.
The pap task was actually quite funny, especially as his photos are so shite. Just goes to show how unobservant people are.
How do you become as thick as Amy Childs? I mean, I know tons of people who were dragged up that have brains, sharp wit and a will to learn. It's child abuse to produce humans that dense.
Tara and Kerry taking the piss out of Pamela was cruel. I don't like that sort of thing- Pamela hasn't even done anything as far as I can see, she's just in la la land a bit, but so is half the house!
I wonder what IS on Jedward's rider? I read Eminem's rider today and it was pretty tame. I bet Jedward have got a block of cocaine and a phone book full of prostitutes on theirs.
LOL to Paddy apologising for calling Jedward a sausage. Class.
Bobby starting on Amy. It's too easy, isn't it? Oh he was mad about them laughing at Pamela, was he? No, it's just an excuse to kick a puppy, methinks. It's true, though, they were being nasty. But he more than made up for it.
Lucien Laviscount giggling as Bobby called Amy an 'it' was the most toadying piece of TV I've seen since Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara hung off Jade's (RIP) racist coattails like she was some high priestess of truth. Witness the look of glee on Lucien's face as Bobby calls a woman 'it'. Bobby is loathsome. But Lucien is a bootlicker. And that's worse.
LOL to Sally encouraging Bobby to be an absolute cunt! What COULD her motive be?! Surely she's not trying to get him slyly evicted before her?
Bobby doesn't like people disrespecting each other? Well calling a woman 'it' is a lot worse than Paddy calling Jedward a sausage.
At least the house is split down the middle now. But who's side am I on? No one's! Why DIDN'T Bobby speak up at the time if it was pissing him off that Pamela was getting bullied? He's just made himself look like a little snivelling prick saying it behind people's backs. Plus the only person he attacked was Amy, the woman, not Paddy, not Darryn. Hmm, I wonder why (not for very long, though).
I like Bobby's peach shirt. Shame he's either proper dull or a proper nasty. Reminds me of when Jack Tweed was in there, and the only words that came out of his mouth in those whole two weeks were 'She's a cunt' (about Shilpa).
It must hurt fat, pug-faced Darryn's heard to see the gorgeous (if horrid) Bobby standing there looking so thin and handsome. 'What you see is what you get'? Is that apart from the plastic pecs?
It's so tragic that Big Brother isn't even trending on Twitter when it's on these days. Twitter was made for shows like this. And you know why no one is interested? No live feed! I want to see Darryn getting more red in the face about Jedward's antics for hours on end. I want to see who goes to bed early. Who stays up bitching all night. I want to see it all!

Celebrity Big Brother - Camel towie

LOL to Jedward smacking everyone in the face first thing in the morning. Rise and shine! They are so going to get the blame for these other 'pranks'.
Jedward washing each other's hair is cute. Do they ALWAYS wear the same thing and have their hair the same? If Jedward used all my shampoo they'd be in trubs. But my shampoo is purple.
Kerry you didn't get fired from Iceland ads because of the News of the World, you got fired for snorting a bucketful of cocaine.
Kerry is invoking Zopyclone! 7mgs. I took that shit every night for a week once (I was ill) and it didn't make me go on This Morning slurring like Phil Mitchell on a bender. It did give me insomnia for three months afterwards though.
I like Jedward's flat hair. They look a bit Patrick Wolf.
Darryn is like a bear with a sore head. I think he's going a bit 'Vinnie Jones'. Redeeming features? None spotted so far. Isn't be a little old for a mohawk and pink hair?
The bedsheet task is apt as it's making me zzz.
Paddy 'a woman should never talk like that' after Amy explained what camel toe was. Well you asked, you fucking sexist pig!
Kerry's tabloid tales are getting a bit old, too, I've already heard them all once!
Your cracks are showing, Lucien, you insecure bag of slop. Stop projecting your mountain of baggage onto others. He's over his emotional baggage allowance, big time. And he's only 19. Imagine when he's 40 and divorced with three kids!
Lucien: 'I don't fancy Amy. I don't fancy Amy. I don't fancy Amy.' Keep telling yourself that. Ah, now he fancies Tara. Yesterday it was Pamela. Tomorrow, probably Kerry.
Look at unknown Jedward's little legs. He looks like a 12 year old. I kind of like that twink look, though. Legal twinks, obviously. Amy's got a soft spot for the Jeds.
These jokes are dreadful! My worst fear ever in a social situation is people start telling jokes because you can't stop them, it just goes on for eternity.
Big Brother memories: remember when they locked Basshunter and Lady Sovereign in a room and made them listen to his shitty tune on a loop and she hid inside a drawer? Good times.
Big Brother's Bit on the Side: Pete Burns. Enough said.

Celebrity Big Brother - Birds and bikinis

Darryn, please keep your six-pack/beer belly under wraps, it's giving me nightmares.
I looked up a photo of Sally Bercow's husband today. He's a funny looking little thing.
I think Darryn is cracking onto Lucien Laviscount. I don't like LL much. He seems to have a strange immature thing going on. I couldn't be less interested in this fauxmance with Pamela/ Amy/ himself.
Tara telling dirty jokes to Jedward! That's like mooning at a kitten.
My boyfriend just said 'not a bad song' about that Will Young track in the adverts.
Lucien is such a boring character. I'm tired of people telling him he's good looking. He's average looking. He's got no personality. He's not even a good actor. I remember him trying to suck up to Kevin Webster, and Kevin had no truck with it. Oh, no.
This has been a really dull highlights show so far. Where's the tree of temptation? Oh it's Mohammed Al Fayed. I object to this contact with the outside world. What, there's loads of people in the garden now! This is bullshit. Stop diluting the brand.
'One Jedward is struggling but the other one's made it!' I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell them apart. I used to be able to tell Samanda apart easily.
My boyfriend is moaning that they're paying Al Fayed money they could be spending on better tasks. What is even at stake in this task anyway? Who wins what? Julie Chen (BBUSA host) would shit all over this. In BBUSA the tasks are more tense than a penalty shootout. Everything matters and their time in the house depends on how they do.
Al Fayed cracking onto Pamela. I kind of like Tara Reid a bit, you know. She's kind of on her own planet and I respect that. She has a gentle sort of way about her.
LOL Darryn's abs are plastic surgery! How embarrassing.
LOL the celebs are going to watch a film in the house! They do that in BBUSA as well and they force them all to say how much they love the film and it's so cheesy. I can't really see it working so well over here.
These advert breaks seem long! Can't believe they're giving Paddy a phonecall from home already! They should have to earn those sort of rights. Can't they give him subtitles? I like the fact he cut his wife off on the phone and got all embarrassed crying on TV. What a freak.
I don't mind these stupid montages they keep doing, I think it's in keeping with with the shiny kind of feel of things.
It's Pinky and Perky, not Pinky and Percy, for fuck's sake, Darryn. Why has Lucien got that hat on?
The way Darryn and Paddy talk about women is disgusting. They are all about show and front and pomp, and nothing is real (not the teeth, nor the six packs).
This Lucien/ Amy thing makes Ziggy and Chanel's relationship look mature. I hate Lucien Laviscount now. He's the type who doesn't go down on girls because it's unhygienic (ie. he's queer).
I can't work out what is going on, and I can't tell if it's bad editing or what. LL is acting like a fucking 12 year old. He's pathetic. He's a little shit-stirring prick. Here's the deal, he fancies Towie, and he thinks she's way out of his league so he's picking on her. It comes to something when Jedward are the most straightforward men in the house.
I think Lucien might have a touch of the 'John James'.
I liked the way John/Edward defended the other one when Paddy pulled his bedsheets on, it was chivalrous. They are like one entity. You can't buy love like that, you have to share a womb for that sort of bond.
Sally got on my nerves going 'please don't slag off Paddy' to Tara when she wasn't. Sally is so far up Paddy's arse it's tragic.
STOP DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS! Where's the rule book? Tara is talking strategy, alliances, the whole hog! OK, maybe not so gentle after all, but interesting.
I'm going to give Lucien Laviscount one more bit of leeway as he's only 19. But is he plays up tomorrow I'm renaming him Lucien Laviscunt. Fair's fair.

Celebrity Big Brother - Lairy liquid

Big Brother is, of course, the doyenne of reality shows. It makes X Factor look like Ooglies. No, not Ooglies, Ooglies is good. Milkshake!
Look at all the mod cons in that house! Giant gym! The living room looks a bit small though, or it's a bad camera angle, I'm not sure.
Jedward using washing up liquid as bubble bath... that would NOT be good for my nether regions. I'd need a bath in Canesten after that.
Five are going a bit heavy on the flashbacks. If people missed it, I say fuck 'em.
Jedward in the bath shouldn't be show either pre or post watershed. It's like some art project.
Amy is going to take Jedward to Sugar Hut! Jodie Marsh will be thrilled. I don't want her to make them into Essex boys. They are fine as they are.
Why are Jedward so dressed up around the house? Don't they just slob around in tracksuit bottoms ever? My boyfriend just said 'aren't they over the luggage allowance?' like they're at Heathrow. I think Jedward have got OCD. Amongst other things.
Paddy doesn't believe in housework! Him and Sally should have their own sitcom. She's so easy to wind up it's unreal. Check out the gnashers on Paddy. He makes Brandon Flower's dentistry look restrained. I like his sunglasses, too.
Lucien Laviscount fancies Amy which is why he's being a little dickhead to her. Mr Paparazzi looks like a fat person with a six pack. That's weird. The word 'banter' really does my fucking nut in. And it makes me think of that horrible Kris thing from Big Brother's past (aka the mightly douche).
Being in a boyband is a good excuse for not having a girlfriend, isn't it? I think they're citing the Cliff Richard defence. Jedward look like they should live in Whoville. They don't need sex. They are above all that shit.
Pamela Hasslehoff looks like Michelle Collins gone wrong, doesn't she? But she can probably do a better Northern accent.
I hope Bobby goes. Sally is a good character. My boyfriend is obsessed with the DR chair looking like the Tennants logo.
Weirdest birthday ever. Did you order Jedward on helium? I feel like I'm on drugs watching this bit. If I actually was on drugs watching it, I think I'd be halfway down the rabbit hole by now.
Jedward; 'we're all breathing the exact same air.' Deep.
Darryn and Paddy are DISCUSSING NOMINATIONS. That Darryn is drunk. Mind you, it is his birthday.
Tara Reid is like some shrivelled up old husk stroking her own nipples. She should be on Celebrity rehab, not this show. She looks like she needs a nice tall glass or water and a big tub of moisturiser.
Get Bobby out. Floaters must die!

X Factor - Replacement judge roulette

It seems weird to have X Factor and Big Brother on at the same time, like reality worlds are colliding. It's like having Easter eggs at Christmas.
'I want to be as big as Adele'- just keep eating, it's not that hard. Oh Dermot, does it stick in your craw, still trading insults with Louis whilst Steve Jones butters up Paula Abdul.
Judge roll call: Kelly Rowland. The most boring girl band member of all time. Tulisa- well at least NDubz have a few catchy tunes. I don't like her being forced to say she's 'gobby'. No man ever gets described as gobby, so I just see labelling women as gobby as telling them to STFU.
Gary Barlow looks skinny. I always fancied him the most out of Take That. I'm not sure about him as a judge though, I think it's just his accent that makes me feel deeply depressed.
The first contestant wants to be famous to sleep with girls. Well, at least he's honest. Bum tats! He's got some guts. He can't sing though, his voice is reedy. Predictably, they're all loving it.
I can imagine Simon taking a shine to this obnoxious yellow haired girl. She's a bit shrieky for my liking though. Oh, and she's an arsehole. Tara Palmer Cuntkinson.
Wow, some 30 year old's are really ageing badly. I don't really like this panel, but I like the lack of Cheryl being Simon's favourite girl, and Dannii getting sidelined. This panel seem to genuinely like each other.
Woah look at that turtle neck Dermot's wearing. Did he nick that out of Deirdre Barlow's closet? And those chinos? He's dressed like he's going to Christian camp.
The sickly Goldie singing copper bell and grabbing her boobs is quite good. She's 50? Fuck me. I was certain she was going to puke up on stage, but alas, no.
Stage school brat doing Your Song. Sorry, I forgot to care. Just like in Dragon's Den they spend too long on each section and it gets boring.
I like this chav who's come to clear his name. I think he's going to need the attitude adjuster again after as he's dire! I think the friends and family are going to shank Dermot.
I kind of like Kelly Rowland's look but not her stick-on fringe. Tulisa has enormous eyes. She's like a ghetto Disney princess. I liked the way she dealt with that guy. And Kelly standing it up and giving it all that too. Riot grrls!
No dogs allowed! LOL to Dermot being the tell off man. 'Watch your mouth- don't call girls that.' I'm glad we've got the four foot eleven Dermot taking charge of things. I think my money would be on Tulisa over him in a fight.
PS: Louis. I think your top up of botox is overdue.

Five: The Bachelor

What a night for Channel 5. I mean who wouldn't want to snog Gavin Henson's giant orange face that looks like it's been painted on the front of a shovel? Surely it's every woman's dream.
As it happens, the women didn't even know it was Gavin they were signing up to... gold dig. Let's hope they like orange shovels. Welsh ones.
I wonder if Charlotte Church is watching this, crying. Oh no, she's too busy fucking her new boyfriend behind a bush and getting caught with her knickers round her ankles. At least she looks like she has a laugh, though. This prick looks like his favourite hobby is masturbating into a mirror.
It comes as scant surprise that Henson has a personality vacuum. He must be desperate to be doing this show. How much are they paying him? Surely he doesn't need the money. The voice of an angel must have given him a few quid to send him on his way. I'm sure he doesn't have any trouble getting women interested in him, I mean women will put up with a lot for money. What is in it for him to do this show?!
WTF he has 25 women to choose from? This is worse than Take Me Out. You and me... equality!
Imagine being the last out of the cab as he's stood there meeting 24 girls before you. I'd just be like 'you must be bored shitless!'
LOL at that girl making him give her a twirl. Smooth.
You haven't been scouring the country for a man for 23 years, Laura. Unless you came out of the womb checking out the doctor. If so, gross.
What is with this girl telling him to carry her up the stairs? What a weirdo! He should have told her to fuck off.
The middle section was pretty much just your standard Joe Millionaire fayre. Except Joe Millionaire (the original USA one) was a hottie.
OMG I can't believe he picked that Laura at the end. She was utterly odious to the core. I think the producers told him to pick that cuntrag. You can't keep a personality like that at bay with a cheeky Vimto.
Next week. More sexism. Enjoy.

Celebrity Big Brother - I would drown them

This useless Twitter live feed they're giving us instead of you know, the real live feed that the producers are watching to give us the shite Twitter feed (wouldn't it be easier to just give us the feed?) is a bit like your boyfriend deciding to stop having sex with you, and just waving his willy at you and going ner-ner-ner-ner-ner every time you walk past him. Imagine if instead of showing Corrie there was just a Corrie feed.
7.43. Norris raises an arch eyebrow. Sophie puts out some tins of beans. Kevin comes stage left wearing that fucking jacket he hasn't replaced despite winning 100K on a scratch card. And now for an advert. Not just as good, is it?
Anyway, I'll get off that soapbox now. Hopefully they'll come round. I need another thing to watch like I need a hole in the head anyway. I'm about two weeks behind on the BBUSA live feed, lol.
Also, I'm desperate to know what Lucien Laviscount is doing. He sounds like something out of Made in Chelsea. Brian actually looks quite handsome again, much better than his The Mint days. My boyfriend fancies Brian Dowling. That's the sort of relationship I'm in.
I'm a bit worried about how much airtime Katona's going to get. I'm just not interested in her.
What is up with Tara's accent? She sounds half Polish! I fancy Bobby! I can't help it. He's a sex bomb. I like the way they're writing their names on the screen (they're meant to be celebrities, surely we should KNOW their names). Amy goes 'I did Towie' which scares me as that's what my kitten is called. He's too young for that sort of thing.
The DR chair does look good, like they've spent a few quid on it.
Welcome pack wars. No one is even noticing Kerry is wigging out. They just expect her to act like that! I thought her divaing was quite good. I like the way she picked Jedward as her target for her divadom as they wouldn't know the difference. I like seeing Jedward forced to interact with people as I suspect it doesn't happen often. Her tantrum was good! I thought she did alright.
My cats are having a tear up dangerously close to my TV aerial. I haven't got an outside aerial so I'm only watching this by a thin thread. Calm down kitties!
Jedward in the DR remind me of Sam and Amanda. Sam and Amanda would be Jedward's perfect match! I'd love to witness that wedding/ celibate marriage.
That's mean when they were all taking the piss of Jedward in the garden! Jedward are a self-sufficient entity. They live in a bubble. I'm surprised they didn't take a double bed together. I bet they dream in unison.
Fuck a duck. Lucien Laviscount (only address him by his FULL title) does fancy Amy. His face fell when Bobby Gorgeous-bollocks arrived. Oh Lucien Laviscount, don't you look just like *insert name of literally any mixed race person here*.
I like this Amy better than Jordan, anyway. Sally admitting she had a drink problem within the first couple of hours. She's an attention seeking missile.
I'm not sure I buy the whole 'she owns the house of commons' BS. That Amy is not without guile. Jedward on the other hand..
As messed up and slurry as Kerry is, she does exude a natural kind of warmth. OMG I can't believe that Bobby guessed Kerry was 36! Doesn't he know anything about manners? She's in better nick than he is, he looks 35.
Sally trying to give Paddy a lesson in... I don't know what, snobbery? was cringeworthy. What's the point?
Jedward album advert! Subtle as a brick.
This punishment for Kerry isn't fair. It makes her look bad and she hasn't even done anything wrong. Does she know the others are watching?! 'I can't do this... oh alright then.'It's like John James going 'I'm not going to get in that crab outfit.' [cut to John James in crab outfit].
Tara Reid and Pamela look like mother and daughter on that couch. Dried up mother and daughter who've been sharing the same box of Nice and Easy in buttercup yellow.
I feel sorry for Katona. I don't really want her, Sally or Bobby to go yet. But Kerry will go.
Brian just said 'the power is in your hands'. On BBUSA they say 'the power is up for grabs' as it's not in the public's hands. It's in the backstabbing racist, homophobic contestants hands, where it should be.
A vote to save at last! Finally the penny drops. Well done C5, you got one thing right. Jedward FTW!
I think I might blog The Bachelor too. I know, what a wild night. I got offered a free Doug Stanhope ticket too, but it was too late to get there! Bugging. Stay tuned.

Celebrity Big Brother on Five

Everyone moaning that Big Brother is back on, you are as tired and predictable as the show you claim to despise (whilst secretly watching it). You CAN avoid Channel five, very easily, as long as you're not a fan of Meerkat Manor, or Home and Away (which curiously run in the same slot, as if they're interchangeable). And it's not like you have to be friends with me and put up with my incessant tweeting, Facebooking and blogging about BB. Go on, go find some highbrow friends. The kind of friends who don't eat Wotsits. Arseholes, I call them!
They didn't keep it down for long, did they? Here it is, Big Brother, sans Davina, with a gross-done-on-the-cheap eye, like something you produce proudly for your GCSEs. Look at those poor sods in the crowd standing in the rain, they were probably smashing up Poundworld at the riots this week. They're doing 90s rave tune 'woo wooing'. Tragic!
Ah, here's Brian. He looks thinner, that Eamonn Holmes jibe obviously got to him (he's mentioned it in every interview since). He looks a bit stiff and sweaty, but he's doing quite well. He'll ease into it, I'm sure.
First up Kerry Katona! She's slurring already. Is there ANYTHING we don't know about Kerry Katona? I know every fucking thing about this boring bitch. And now she looks like she's had her eyebrows stapled to her forehead. Oh, she's got a ballgown on. I quite like her hair. Her tattoo is almost Courtney-esque. She looks like Bridget Neilson. I like her red lippy, and all. Oh, she loves her kids. she just LOVES them kids. Put that fat one on a fucking diet then! Mind you, she's done more for them than that Westlife prick ever did. Now there's a man who knows his Home and Away from his Meerkat Manor.
Next, Tara Reid. I only barely know who she is, and I consider myself fairly au fait with the shit rags. Put it this way, I don't think anyone in the UK is going 'yay, Tara Reid' right now. 'You may know me from American Pie.' Er... no, I don't. She's the Dennis Rodman of this year. Tori Spelling would have been better. I hope she's odious or something.
I'm not missing Davina. I'm not missing Davina. I'm not missing Davina. Brian is too botoxed to gurn.
The house looks really good, by the way, and we've not had to suffer the usual ordeal of being shown round it like we really give a fuck about that. And my cats are asleep! Enjoy the silence. I have cats? I know, they're new. Kittens, in fact!
Next, some gypsy bloke. I think I saw him on Britain's Deadliest Men with Danny Dyer (how can you sleep at night?) It IS hard to sleep under those rooves with Katona et al. ROOFS. Rooves. Roofs. Think about it. It will drive you mad.
I can't understand a word this guy said. Tara is going to struggle. Could there be a more Irish name than Paddy Doherty? They should put Mitch Winehouse in, I reckon. Maybe next year.
Him saying 'lady' every minute isn't going to get annoying, is it? No, not at all, lady. Did he pass the 'psychological test'? I seem to remember him boasting about being a criminal, but he could have just been trying to impress Danny Dyer (fuck abaht). I feel like I saw him on Jeremy Kyle, too, but I think I'm getting my gypsies confused.
TOWIE! Amy Childs. I don't watch Towie, but we called our kitten it. Is she a thicko? Tara's not going to be able to understand her, either. Oh, she's a proud thicko. I hate that sort. Do people like her or not? I'm losing the will to live. It's quite early on to feel like that, isn't it! I'm glad they've kept the old music and Marcus. At least we can rely on these old vantage points.
Tara must feel nervous that they all know each other, or are acting like they do. Must be a headfuck. I can't understand anything Tara is saying! We need subtitles.
Ugh, that paparazzi guy does my head in! Why not put Perez Hilton in there and be done with it? How post modern. That accent is always a killer, too. Paddy is going to either chum up with this dude or kill him.
It's bugging me the way Kerry knows all their names. It used to be a secret who was going in. Amy is saying nice things to everyone but there's no light behind the eyes.
It's weird watching this on my own. It's not right. It should be more of an event! It should launch on a Friday.
This Sally Bercow div is just an attention seeking dullard. Bad combination. At least the Daily Mail will be excited. Jan Moir and Amanda Platell must be sharpening their claws as we speak. Oh and now she mentioned the Mail! Too easy. Oh she's so desperately trying to be a bit 'cool'. She's ripe for a Galloway style humiliation task. I think she's actually going to be a good housemate because she's going to get it so wrong and it's going to be a pleasure to watch.
Next in is Lucien Laviscount! I'm not joking, THAT A list star. What he lacks in star power, he makes up for in ridiculous monikers. Good name, though, really, isn't it. It's Sophie's boyfriend from Coronation Street (who?) Quite. Show me the barrel, and watch me scrape it... he looks about 15.
David Hasslehoff's wife. Pamela Hasslehoff. Not Pamela Anderson. Just as good, hey? What a swizz, man. I'm really not impressed with these 'celebrities' so far. They've spent so much on the house, maybe they should have spent a couple of quid on the bookings. It's a bit unfair to pretend Pammy is going in when she isn't. Not a cool move. This line up blows a bit.
Eh heh, who's this dude? He's good looking, but I still have no clue who he is. He seems a bit too normal for this lot. This guy could win it. Bobby Sable. Bobby Sable. The celebrity. That famous, famous model. Apparently he's a 'red blooded male'. Deffo gay then. Amy was a bit unfriendly to him. Why has he got that big coat on, it's August! 25? That modelling lark must be tough.
It really sucks having no live feed. I'd like to watch how they're all getting on later. Damn you, five, you idiots. Utterly failing to understand the concept.
Jedwards! Definitely my favourite housemate(s). I love Jedward so much. They are like a science experiment. They don't suffer from the human condition of 'emotions'. They are weird robot people. They could actually drive you mad in that place. Except most of them are mad anyway. They are wearing my kitten's blanket. Cute. There's definitely a Towie theme tonight. It looks like they just ripped up Tony the Tiger and stitched him back up wrong.
Wow, what a motley crew of housemates. I don't think I've ever seen such a bedraggled line up. How do Jedward know who Tara Reid is when I barely do?
Jedward are tweeting! But they are in the BB house! Boo! I knew they didn't write those tweets. Illusions, shattered. Next you'll be telling me they don't write their own lyrics. Why are Jedward getting so booed when Lucien fucking Laviscount is in there? Give me strength!
The crowd look bored as fuck. It was better down Currys pocketing the minidiscs, wasn't it?
Kerry looks like a carthorse in that dress. Ooh, what's that slinky corridor. The house is cool. The chair is cool. The housemates are shite.
Kerry don't go trotting off to the Diary room and then going 'fuck a duck' when they give you a task to do (or the DR as we call it in BBUSA).
It will be obvious she's on a task once she throws the tantrum anyway. They're not stupid. Welcome pack! Give it to Vinnie Jones to read. He loves that shit. I don't think anyone can read this year. Except Jedward, obviously. They've got an IQ of 300 each, you know.
NB. My friend Dawn just texted to say 'the best thing about Jedward is one is slightly more self aware and embarrassed than the other. Makes for scintillating viewing.' And if that isn't a reason to watch, what the fuck is?

Big brother USA Season 13 The greatest comeback since Lazarus

Well Big Brother USA has NOT disappointed this year (hope I can say the same for the UK one when it drops on Five next week).
If you're not watching it yet, step away from my blog, and go fucking watch Big Brother USA season 13. Seriously. It will be the best TV decision you've made since Breaking Bad. And you have a whole 12 other seasons to watch, too.
OK, have they gone? Now let's us in the know talk business.
This week in particular saw Rachel crawl back from the dead, and somehow drag Brendon back with her. My friend JOTV doesn't think Brendan would get 1 million votes. Are you joking? Watching that relationship is my main reason for watching it! I can see how it would drive others mad, of course. But I love it. I love seeing the powerplay, and just the cracks and chinks of how relationships are (but particularly theirs!) At least it's real. I'm not even convinced Jess and Jordan fuck. They are more like brother and sister. And Jeff, you homophobic cunt, if you said shit like that in the UK Big Brother you'd be out the door quicker than you can say 'Ignoramus'. I can't believe the others sat round and let him get away with saying that all gays are basically peados. Plus, Dumbledore is a fictional character, but I'm not sure Jeff is aware of this. One day he'll realise that it's only going out with Jordan (who told a story on live feed the other day about shitting her pants on the bus) that makes him look even slightly intelligent. Otherwise he's just a thick patronising prick.
What I will say though, is I liked it when Jordan finally showed her teeth this week and got angry. And who can blame her! I warmed to her a lot more after that.
Some of the most insane gameplay I've ever seen in my life took place this week. Kalia, on a desperate damage limitation exercise, not only cancelled the last two weeks evictions out, but also got one of her own (her former partner, let's not forget) Lawon evicted.
Personally I couldn't be happier that Lawon has gone. He's one of those bodies in there just clogging up the place (yes, Adam, just like you) and doing nothing. His diary room 'antics' are contrived and the only interesting thing he ever said in the house was when he recounted a tale of his granny saying 'if you're going to be gay, be the best damn gay you can be.' Granny seemed to have a lot more sense that Lawon, who decided to take up a kamikaze mission of offering himself up for eviction, with the mistaken believe that 'whoever leaves is coming back in with a magic power'. This was something Lawon basically made up in his head. My boyfriend was so shocked by his stupidity he thinks BB must have paid him off to act that way. But no. Lawon is just 100% moron. Glad he's gone, he was quite literally a waste of a housemate.
So it's always nice to get a 'floater' out, and paticularly nice when they set themselves up for it. I hope Porsche follows soon, an unfriendly robot with boobs, who hasn't done a damn thing for any of her supposed 'allies' in there, and the second it looked like Rachel was drowning virtually pushed her further out to sea. I don't know why they cast her, as she's not attractive, and she has no personality. She makes Danielle look like a nice person.
The person I was most shocked by was probably Danielle, supposedly a mastermind of the game, she did a sheep vote for one of the stupidest decisions ever made in the house. Didn't she learn her lesson on that from her own time in the house? Kalia was so desperate to step out from Danielle's shadow that she turned a great big target-shaped spotlight on both of them. Good work! Go team. They are FUCKED. And JOTV, Danielle doesn't try and influence people's decisions on how to vote? It's her hardballing those (bad) decisions that have got her into the unholy mess she's in now.
So does this mean Rachel will be running with open arms to Kalia and Danielle next week? Does it fuck! Kalia has completely wasted her week as Head of Household (HOH), and now Jeff, Jordan, Rachel and Brendon are going to be kicking some arse. Does Kalia really think she got away with it? After the way Jeff went off at her? She must be either stupid or mental, and I can't tell which, but they are not so much gunning for her as punching in the code on the nuclear bomb.
This has been a dream week in the Big Brother house, when the impossible becomes possible and all the cards fall into the right place. We watched the three episodes basically in a row (as we only get to watch it at weekends) and I can honestly say, my heart was racing the whole way through. This is the most exciting show on TV, the most outrageous drama, just brilliantly crafted for maximum enjoyment. I still have much respect for the way they always do the HOH competition after the eviction interview so you always know who's going to be running the show next week. The whole format is just brilliant, everything we do wrong with our BB, they do right with theirs.
And the cliches are true! This game does turn on a dime. Rachel looked defeated, but she's back. Rachel is my favourite person in there by a country mile, she's gorgeous, quirky, funny, honest, crazy, fucked up, childish, utterly flawed. And she just feels real to me. She really doesn't understand why others don't like her. But I do. Because they don't dare to be as brave as her. They haven't got the personality to get away with the shit she does. Rachel is like a fly in their ear they can't get rid of, and she wins competitions, and she will win again soon, and then THEY WILL PAY.
I just hope that wedding to Brendan doesn't crush her Vegas spirit. He's already dowdified her a bit, I want her with her full on cats-eyes makeup and the red extensions, kicking arse. She's an amazing player. And she still won't win it. Why?
Because once the 'veterans' are done taking out Kalia and Danielle (and vice versa), you do know who will be sitting there pretty at the end, don't you?
ADAM. Adam who has brought nothing to the show except a dearth of a personality wrapped in a cliche (he hasn't even got that gross beard anymore as a talking point).
Unless, unless.
I really could see Shelley winning this game. She is one sneaky motherfucker, and I know they're onto her playing both sides, but I think by the time they get round to doing something about it, it might be too late. She's played a blinding, cunning, trixy little bitch of a game and I salute her for that.
This week felt like a turning point. I think we're in for a mad ride from here on...

Morrissey at Brixton Academy 2011

Sorry for the break in service, I've been moving house and changing jobs. But with Big Brother season just around the corner, you can be sure that there will be plenty more rubbish for you to read right here. But first; Morrissey.
If you think there’s been a dent in Morrissey’s popularity lately, you couldn’t be more wrong. I have never seen Brixton Academy so heaving, and I’ve been there for lots of different gigs, including Placebo, who I always figure are more popular. There was barely any breathing room so full was the room of fat sweaty men and the odd fat sweaty woman (me included). We arrived just before 9 (was Kristeen any good?) and he came on pretty much straight away (still saw some of that tired old video he’s still wheeling out, though- I mean, does he really think it’s anything other than torture to watch? I’d rather watch the abattoir vid).
The perfect analogy for the night? Only at Morrissey do you get a boy’s toilet queue that’s longer than a girl’s toilet queue. There seemed to be four blokes for every woman in there, I’ve never seen it so man-heavy.
I might get the order of some of the songs wrong here. He came onto I Want the One I Can’t Have, followed by Irish Blood English Heart (everyone in the room sang along). We noticed there was an England flag stuck to the ceiling but I wasn’t sure if that was deliberate or not, my boyfriend says yes. We were a bit grumpy when we first went in, but Moz always cheers me up (ironically!) and you could soon forget about all the idiots and just be at one with the Moz. He did You Have Killed Me quite early, which I find a it plodding, but my boyfriend likes it.
We had quite a good spot a first but more and more people piled in and it got a bit sardine-like. Ouija Board was AMAZING, they did a really cool version of it, either the guitar or the keyboards sounded really good on it (but no STEPHEN bit… sob- he did a yelp instead). Alma Matters was also really excellent. I love hearing him do stuff from that era.
He did a few duff songs- Black Cloud should surely have been put to bed by now. Scandinavia (a new song) sounded pretty dreary. I like the other new songs though, People are the same everywhere, and Action is my middle name.
The guy in front of us was on Facebook ‘At Brixton Academy with Laura’- why not try watching Morrissey then, you cretin.
Moz made a few comments but nothing outrageous, ‘As if David Cameron has ever been to Tottenham’ and saying Prince Charles and ‘Camel’ (oh dear- it’s nearly as bad as the Royal ‘dreading’) came face to face with the British public at last’ during the student protests last year (yes, very current, Moz). This got a big cheer.
He did Speedway which was for a long time my favourite Morrissey song, and once I saw it (I think it was at Brixton, too) and it was one of the best moments of my life but this time it was marred slightly by some idiot woman’s gross white handbag sticking in my back. After that he played that bloody song about George Alagiah- also rubbish!
we moved back a bit then as we were getting proper crushed and got a drink. He did an amazing mid-section with I Know it’s Over (I’ve dreamed of that moment) and even though I was basically at the back then, I just focussed on him, and it nearly made me cry. His voice sounded so good on it. That song is probably my favourite Smiths song, and it was a real privilege to hear it live, as I never thought I would. He followed this with Every Day is Like Sunday (we had a dance in the bar) and There is a Light… I mean that’s a pretty strong three in a row. He then followed that with Throwing My Arms around Paris (zzz). Meat is Murder actually sounded pretty good, and I couldn’t see the abattoir vid from where I was, which I’m grateful for.
He also did a song called Art Hounds which was quite good and he spelt out the title for us 'hounds as in hounds of the baskervilles' like he was an OAP calling the gas board. There was also another fight in front of us, I think I attract absolute morons everywhere I go. This guy was psised off his face.
There must be more songs I’m missing. There was This No Charming Man (good) and no The Loop (thank fuck) but he finished with First of the Gang… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Could there be a more predictable and boring ending… come on Moz. I’d rather hear Last Night I dreamt…
On the whole though, a really good gig, slap bang in the middle of my Morrissey experiences. I was trying to work out how many times I’ve seen Morrissey now, and I think it must be something between 20 and 30. Nothing could ever top the glory of being down the front at ‘Who put the M into Manchester’ or seeing him at such close quarters in Yarmouth but it’s always nice to see the old fella, and show him that his real fans do really love him, no matter what, and forever.
He’s been getting a hard time lately, but I hope he knows (and he does) that Morrissey Solo is has about as much relevance to what being a Morrissey fan as I have to being a Robbie Williams fan. Solo means nothing and is nothing, and the only good thing it ever did was introduce me to the love of my life. The rest of it should be drowned in the nearest river, because what they’ll never understand is that Morrissey is about the man, and the man is in the songs. And songs like that you don’t ever turn your back on. And thank god we do have popstars who can say things that aren’t acceptable, or part of the status quo, because we need it. And anything he’s ever said to shock has always been considered. Every ‘controversy’ has been designed, because he’s not stupid. And men like him come along once or twice a lifetime, so you’d better hang onto him. Because you know as well as I if he dropped down dead tomorrow you’d be on the bandwagon quicker than I could say ‘Johnny Marr’.
PS: Brixton is a hellhole, even more noticeably so now I live almost outside London.