Five: The Bachelor

What a night for Channel 5. I mean who wouldn't want to snog Gavin Henson's giant orange face that looks like it's been painted on the front of a shovel? Surely it's every woman's dream.
As it happens, the women didn't even know it was Gavin they were signing up to... gold dig. Let's hope they like orange shovels. Welsh ones.
I wonder if Charlotte Church is watching this, crying. Oh no, she's too busy fucking her new boyfriend behind a bush and getting caught with her knickers round her ankles. At least she looks like she has a laugh, though. This prick looks like his favourite hobby is masturbating into a mirror.
It comes as scant surprise that Henson has a personality vacuum. He must be desperate to be doing this show. How much are they paying him? Surely he doesn't need the money. The voice of an angel must have given him a few quid to send him on his way. I'm sure he doesn't have any trouble getting women interested in him, I mean women will put up with a lot for money. What is in it for him to do this show?!
WTF he has 25 women to choose from? This is worse than Take Me Out. You and me... equality!
Imagine being the last out of the cab as he's stood there meeting 24 girls before you. I'd just be like 'you must be bored shitless!'
LOL at that girl making him give her a twirl. Smooth.
You haven't been scouring the country for a man for 23 years, Laura. Unless you came out of the womb checking out the doctor. If so, gross.
What is with this girl telling him to carry her up the stairs? What a weirdo! He should have told her to fuck off.
The middle section was pretty much just your standard Joe Millionaire fayre. Except Joe Millionaire (the original USA one) was a hottie.
OMG I can't believe he picked that Laura at the end. She was utterly odious to the core. I think the producers told him to pick that cuntrag. You can't keep a personality like that at bay with a cheeky Vimto.
Next week. More sexism. Enjoy.

Over the Rainbow

I am watching this under duress just because Christian from Eastenders is in it. I don't know why, as it's going to make me hate Christian, playing a sub-par John Barrowman. I hate musicals, but The Wizard of Oz is kind of cool. Still, this show is bound to suck the life out of it. I hate that arsehole out of Any Dream Will Do, too. I never saw the Sound of Music or Oliver one, thank fuck.
I saw Charlotte Church on JRo a week or two ago and didn't think much to her, I kind of want to like her, but she's a bit frosty or something.
OMG those credits were scary.
Why is Graham Norton wearing Frank Butcher's coat? Put him back in the studio, he looks war-torn without an inch of foundation.
How long before Christian makes a joke about being a 'friend of Dorothy'?
This audition process sucks- couldn't Christian be bothered to show up? Too busy swanning round the E20. Who is this old dude? 'You could be Dorothy'. My boyfriend just said it reminded him of the K Factor in Harry Hill. The truth is, it's not that entertaining.
Sheila Hancock looks like a skeleton. This show is edited worse than Fame Academy. And at least that had Ainslie. The BBC are no good at reality shows! They are too scared to flash the cash on decent judges or lighting.
I'm not sure I can bear another one of these tomorrow. Christian or no Christian. Throw in Syed and we might be talking.