Top of the Pops

Welcome to the lowlight of your Christmas, my TOTP blog. And I've got James here with me for once to add his own brand of bile. It's really hard to write a blog on a phone so take heed and pity me, for suffering in more ways than one.
I have never heard this Take That song before, but we both agree the brand is not working as a three. Everyone wants a (Jason) Orange in their stocking. Why not get a new member? James Corden seemed up for it on the Gogglebox repeats - sorry, highlights - last night. James says he feels something about the way Gary sings feels patronising. If you're feeling patronised by Gary Barlow in a Christmas jumper, you're probably not at your mental best.
Who the fuck are Gorgon City? Isn't that a brand of cheese? Oh no, that's gorgonzola and Cathedral City. Is this dubstep? James; 'There's a rent a raver down the front.' James is convinced they film this TOTP in July and then just CGI Ben Haenow in at the end.
James: 'When's Florence on?' I think she's reanimating in her oxygen chamber, I've not seen her for at least a year.
Up next, Schmuck. Spelt Sigma. Isn't that some X Factor reject? Oh it's like drum and bass or something. They've half got the washing machine but not quite. Come back Ed Sheeran, all is forgiven. Not really, fuck off.
I'm not mentioning Fearne and Reggie this year as they're beneath contempt.
Next up is The Vamps, a 'youtube sensation'; like Frankie Grande but less likeable. James says they look like they might be playing in a bar in the background in The Knick. If that's not funny, direct your complaints to him as I don't watch it. Jingle Bells is not a valid Christmas cover version. This is endless. There's only one fucking verse to Jingle Bells, you cunts!
Fearne likes Foo Fighters, or her autocue says she does. Well, someone has to. I have never heard any of these songs that have been out this year, thank fuck. Yet still I want to punch Sam Smith in the chops.
James: 'Fresh from making computers, it's Tom O'Dell.' Who's this miserable sod? Bring back the garage. Bring back Pharrell. James says, 'Bring back Jingle Bells.' This is a song for those who started drinking port too early on Christmas and are crying already.
McBusted. My mum's favourite. I had to buy her their CD for Christmas. I'm not even joking. Do you know how that's going to screw up my recommendations on Amazon? Disgusting. This is anti-awesome. We think might have just heard the lyrics 'More range than Brian May.' Still I suppose it's cheaper to smash up a 'air guitar' than a real one not one of the pricks can play anyway. I hope the missing one with the eyebrows is having a lie in.
Next in the aural torture chamber is Coldplay. Who'd have thought the man who wrote the beautiful The Scientist could follow that with literally hundreds of duff, samey s-hits that make you want to consciously uncouple with your own eardrums. Just stop. Stop it now, just like the sex offenders charity. Also, stop wasting paper. That confetti is murders to clear up.
One thing I will say in Fearne and Reggie's defence, they're not incessantly telling me what's coming up next for once. Probably because everyone's turned off in previous years when they did.
Next up is Rixston. Me and James simultaneously: 'who?' James: 'These people all look privately educated. How do people know the words to this song? They must play it to them in the queue.' The singer looks like Shane Ritchie.
Next up, Jeff Probst from Survivor. Oh no, it's Mr Probz. This is the worst yet. I prefer Mr Oizo.This is a new low, even worse than that twit on the piano.
The next person 'had people literally pouring out of his tent at Glastonbury' - yep, running for the nearest Herbal Highs stand, no doubt. George Ezra? Pigeon toed twat. Knock-kneed gnat. I think he just sang a line about Gordon Brown. James is becoming hysterical, and not in a good way. We're praying to be called for dinner right now.
James says there's a lot of 'sub UB40 stuff out at the moment.' Just stop and consider that sentence. Sub UB40. Fuck.
Next up is Ella Henderson. I've not heard this much but it sounds like it's off an advert. Her mouth gets on my nerves. I know that's not her fault, but there it is. James is nodding his head to this one, it's his second favourite after Take That.
My mum has just come in to express her disgust at at Matt Willis. She said 'He takes over the whole band. Talk about ruining a good group.' Hold on, I just bought you their CD, I say. She goes, 'I like to listen to them but I couldn't watch a DVD with them on now. I don't know how Emma Willis puts up with him.' Fair comment, but he had to put up with her misogyny and bias so it's swings and roundabouts. No point trying to explain that to my mum, though.
'Ed Sheeran, your favourite!' I went to James. My mum failed to detect the sarcasm and said 'I knew gingers would have their day.' Ed Sheeran has not even got a nice voice. It sounds whiny. I didn't look up once when he was on. Offensive to all senses.
Who are Clean Bandit? Sounds like Mr Muscle. My mum is not impressed. But she has got a large glass of Baileys. I've not even had a drink yet. God knows I need one.
My mum is looking at the CD cover for her McBusted CD now. I said, 'Sorry, I should have crossed out Matt Willis's face for you' and she goes, 'Dont worry, I can do that', quick as you like, followed by 'He's gross.'
Haenow now. I've heard from a reliable source that he wasn't even a van driver. Honestly. How will the pop lizards try and pull the wool over our eyes next? Why wasn't he there in the studio? Could they not afford the CGI? Poor sod, he'll never get to be on TOTP now. His career will be over by next Christmas.
I asked my mum to sum up that TOTP in one words. She said, crap. On that note, I wish you a merry Christmas, JLS style. Have a good one.

Question Time (Guest starring Russell Brand and Nigel Farage)

Let's get one thing straight. I hate Question Time. At least on the Big Questions they discuss things like 'Do pets go to Heaven?' Question Time is just sallow, pious or middle class people saying something half snarky to Amanda Platell, who I actually saw on Question Time a week or two ago, and she looked botoxed to fuck, like a more masculine David Gest. Bit rich from someone always slating Nicole Kidman/ Kylie's looks, but I digress.
But of course, everyone wants to watch sideshow freaks Nigel Farage (autocorrects to forage, but you know the only thing he's foraging for is his next pint of beer) and Russell Brand, who hasn't mentioned his ballbags in aeons. I miss Russell's ballbags, his trousers and pants, MTV's Dancefloor Chart, his radio show/podcast (obligatory Andrew Sachs wife sad face image here). But I mustn't cling to those old dreams anymore. I have to get on board with the revolution. But isn't this just the David Icke videos I've been watching on YouTube for 15 years, dressed up as something new? I know about the phoney bone of contention. I know about 'look over here'. And every cunt knows about the lizards by now. The lizards are all over the place.
I don't even normally have to look at Farage, as I have the Ukitten Chrome plug in that turns his pterodactyl face into a lovely kitten on my computer. I wish that worked on the TV.
Imagine being the OTHER people on the panel with Brand and Farage. You might as well just send a cardboard cut out, like they do with that 14 year old out of Stereo Kicks (no, not the ketamine one).
Anyway, pay attention, it's the first question from Jonathan King (not really). I couldn't understand the question. I think it was 'Are politicians petty?' but said in a cunty type of a way to try and trip you up.
Russell Brand said something and it wasn't funny and now Farage is saying something serious, too. This is why I don't like Question Time. Start arguing already, motherfuckers. Oh, they did, some womanon the panel (as Nigel Farage would probably refer to her) just started on him.
Oh, a sallow girl is now asking a question, or at least saying words. Ah, she's digging Rusty out for telling people not to vote. She's a plant! As our leader Moz said, 'Each time you vote, you support the process.' Which is a lame lyric, but by no means the worst on that album (see the song Smiler with Knife. Still, Earth is the Loneliest Planet and I'm Not a Man are good; see 'Wolf down T-bone steak. Wolf down cancer of the prostate.' Now THAT'S a lyric.) Are you allowed to just 'make a comment' as sallow girl did and not ask a question? If you want to 'make a comment' go on the Mail Online, bitch.
Russell: 'Give us something to vote for.' Good point. I vote for that dude who was playing Candy Crush in the House of Commons this week. He looked like he was on the baby levels, though. Amateurs.Come talk to me when you're in the 400s.
Haha, the women are turning on RB for being a sexist. Aw. I don't mind when he says love. There's no malice in it. I forgive most misogyny if the person is funny/clever enough. At least he's engaging, unlike all three of the women on this panel.
Why is this woman moaning about Russell having nine million Twitter followers? He's not a role model. He's a former crackhead/ sex addict/ rabble rouser. He doesn't have a duty to say a certain thing. At least he's saying SOMETHING.
Can you imagine queueing up to be in the Question Time audience? I bet the chairs aren't comfy. I'd rather go in the Jeremy Kyle audience, at least the subject matter there is honest (even if the guests are lying... but then what about the 7-10% who are telling the truth and still get a tell off? It's a slippery slope.)
Dude from Babybird seems to be asking a question now. He's digging out Farage for being a multi-millionaire. Who cares how much money people have? Are they decent people or not? In his case, not.
David Dimblebore is querying how the panel is like 'Punch and Judy.' It's because half the panel are cartoon characters and the others are dour women. Where do they get these people from? It's like when they get the drabbest feminists possible on to talk about 'women's issues.' It's self-misogyny.
Blah blah blah. This is why I don't watch Question Time. I get distracted too easily. I'll tell you what programme I like where people have their say. Points of View. Let's face it, I'll never write a blog about Points of View so let's cover it here. My favourite thing about Points of View is when people start their emails 'why oh why.' Someone wrote recently to complain that the weather girl was saying 'it's going to be a lovely day' when it's sunny and 'it's a miserable day' when it's raining. He was livid that human emotions were being attributed to the weather. Some people like rainy days, BBC, just ask Garbage. But they really need to get rid of the new graphics, they're fucked. And bring back the blahdeblah theme tune (nod to Adam and Joe, RIP). Oh and also when they give a real dickhead comment a really stupid accent. I like that. Just kill Jeremy Vine. He might like Morrissey, but he's not one of us. No way. Make Richard Osman present it, that would be fun.
A strangely normal looking woman asks a straight question: 'Is Britain really overcrowded?' What do the Ukittens think? Meow!
Normal looking woman is rolling her eyes at Russell Brand. I've gone off her, now. Russell Brand just said 'farted'. Trust him to lower the tone. Maybe he'll bring out little Paul Scholes soon?
Russell Brand just called Nigel Farage a 'pound shop Enoch Powell' and Nigel looked mad. Russell had been working on that speech. But it did seem to rattle the forager. Give the man a pint of beer, FFS. He's a man of the people.
Some fat guy with a walking stick is now pointing angrily at Russell Brand and urging him to stand for Parliament and stop preaching. RB is looking a bit under the cosh, now. This is actually a fun bit. A woman with blue hair is now screeching that Farage is a racist. I'm waiting for her to be bundled out. Is it always like this? LOL. This isn't politics.
A strangely good looking man in the audience is standing up for Nigel Farage. I have never seen a good looking person in the Question Time audience. Plant!
Russell is right; immigration IS a 'look over here' issue whilst the fat cats get fatter. I do actually agree with him there. The white woman is pretending not to get it and declaring we have very few racists in this country. How the fuck would you know, you entitled bitch? That's like a bloke saying the country isn't sexist. That's easy to say when you're not the one getting beaten, raped, harassed, just like black people are getting arrested disproportionately, are under-represented in all media and a million other things I don't even know and can't even imagine and I'm not even going to pretend I do because I'm not a patronising arsehole. An arsehole, maybe. But not patronising.
A stupid woman is talking about 'immigrants from outside this country'. Where else would they be from? Someone shouted at her to shut up. LOL.
This immigration bit is dragging. What's the point of Question Time? Has it ever changed anything? It's just people disagreeing. It's like 'Do pets go to Heaven?' We will never agree. We can't even agree on if there IS a Heaven.
Oh a question about the NHS. My favourite. The Tories shut down the library where my writing group was held, making the group non existent at the moment. But I still don't want to sit in that audience and shout at someone about it. Because it's just lip service. No one actually cares or is going to do anything about any of it. Then, in a blink of an eye, we're dead.
Someone in the audience is texting. Take that phone off them, it's like Will.i.am on The Voice all over again.
This woman is playing the old 'let me finish' card now. Who does she think she is, James Jordan talking to Gary Busey? We all know how that ended. HONK!
Russell Brand hasn't spoken for at least five minutes. What the fuck is this shit?
The woman in purple on the panel is really going on. If she'd said anything the slightest bit interesting, I'd give her the courtesy of writing her name. But she hasn't. Russell Brand is writing something. I think this is like when Louis Walsh writes stuff on a notepad on the X Factor. I think it's like when you're in a boring meeting and you write 'fuck off' and then you have to disguise it by making it into a garish doodle.
I hate humanity. I want to see Russell and Nigel have a punch up. Why is that woman taking up so much airtime? It's all about the airtime, as Russell should know from his Big Brother days.
There's a boring question about grammar schools now, which Russell is swerving but he's having a dig at Nigel again now; 'He don't have no good ideas', says Russell after saying he got 'a quite good comprehensive education.' Didn't learn about double negatives though, hey? I jest, I like talking like Russell Brand, too. 'Citing, isn't it? It makes life a bit more colourful.
Who cares about grammar schools in Kent? What about ebola? What about something juicy? Snooze! I went to a crappy school in a shithole town and I sit next to someone at work who went to Lancing College which apparently is posh, and he's dumb as a rock. (No offence, if you're reading my blog, which you're obviously not, teehee) I mean he knows Latin, but he's got no common sense. So who gives a shit what school people go to?
Nigel Farage just said 'opportunity' and I thought, 'Opportunity it don't exist, it's the opiate of the populist.' You could probably learn more about politics from the song The Happiest Place on Earth by Desaparecidos than by watching a thousand Question Times. I recommend it.
Sorry for anyone who read my blog expecting me to care about any of the issues discussed. What's that old saying? Whoever you vote for, the Government always get in? I guess Russell's not to far off, after all. Maybe the world is a hologram. Maybe the TV and fluoride are anaesthetising us. But if the fight against it looks like this, count me out. Give me my Candy Crush and my crisps and my vodka and my sleeping pills and as Tell Off Man ie. Mike Ehrmantraut once said, 'Leave me to die in peace.'

The X Factor: Why of the Tiger

You still watching this formulaic old toot? Me too! Well take my hand and let me lead you through a forest of relentless negativity. Let's see how we're going to be patronised and manipulated tonight. What songs will be murdered? What pointless horrible theme will be foisted upon them (and us)? Oh, Saturday night at the movies. Gross. Only marginally better than 'Big Band' (await Michael Buble Christmas album in the adverts). Also, we call them FILMS. Stop trying to sound cool.
First off, I want to complain about the pink and blue logo. They still have the red and black logo at the start, so what's with this pink and blue bullshit? Red and black is strong! Pink and blue is wishy washy. Don't dilute your brand! Don't tell me Simon Cowell doesn't know about the essence of the brand. Red and black. Sort it out. Oh, the X is gold tonight. Yet MORE dilution! Fools.
So this lot of judges. Don't even get me started. I can't even look at Mel B without thinking of her husband killing a duck. She seems to have completely lost her spark, which I guess you would, if you're in a controlling relationship, where your husband bans the woman who sang the song 'Mama' from speaking to her... Mama. Sad. Cheryl Fernandez-V cares so little about her own identity that she would change her name twice (and probably counting). Does SHE not have a brand to think of? I know why she didn't go back to Tweedy, I guess (criminal record, cough) but really, I find it sad that this supposed successful independent popstar thinks so little of herself. If you want to change your name once, fine. Twice is starting to look dumb. Especially if you're tattooing that shit on you. It's quite sad to see. And Simon and Louis are just Simon and Louis. It's like a time warp. But now I'm getting old. And they look the same.
First up is Jake. On first, so they obviously want him out. Is it just me or was Jake 50 times better looking last year? I dunno if it's his hair or what but he is not doing it for me this time. I liked him last year. This song is fucking AWFUL. He sounds off. Is that falsetto? Morrissey would weep! What a boring performance. Terrible start. Simon doesn't even know who's mentoring this dude.
I miss Blonde Electric! There's no fun act. And no, that dude who did Rick Astley last week doesn't count. I tell you who I don't miss, though; Overload.
Only the Young. How the fuck did they survive doing Come on Eileen? Great phone outfit, though. What is it with this hair all the blokes have at the moment, like a big quiff with really short sides? It's hideous. A quiff is cool, like a Morrissey or Lee Ryan quiff (yeah I said it) but not this fucking boufanty nonsense. I'm so glad I'm not looking to fuck anyone new anymore, I'd be sick. The blonde guy looks like Jedward's older brother. Who is voting for Only the Young? Who is their audience? I like the fact they're actually friends, not manufactured. But really, who is there to like in the band? Everyone is strangely sexless. How do they all know each other? Are they fucking? Are they named after that average Brandon Flowers solo record? I need to know more. That performance did nothing for me one way or the other. It literally went in one ear and out the other. But don't get me wrong, I quite like them, lol.
I have no clue why this Jay James guy is there. He's like a poundshop James Blunt. We're trying to get rid of the other one, why do we need another! Please, no more posh pop stars. It's making me want to go all Russell Brand and start ranting nonsensically. The overs category is an actual embarrassment. It's dumb cos they get rid of loads of good boys and girls for these joke or mediocre acts. And he's singing fucking James Bond. Fuck James Bond and fuck this song. You need to be a woman to sing this song. This guy is too weedy for this song. Seriously, who is going to buy his album? Even my mum thinks he's a dick (probably). God, I hate Cheryl. She's a millionaire, gorgeous and newly married to the not-gay-at-all Jean-thingy whatshisface so you think she could crack a fucking smile once in a while. She always looks like someone's waving a wet fish under her nose, the miserable cow. I wouldn't buy any hairspray she advertised, I'd expect it to give me manic depression.
I was annoyed with Simon dissing Andrea last week as it was so transparently storylined as it's so obvious Andrea is going to win. I've not seen someone as good on X Factor since Leona Lewis. It's an insult for Simon to criticise him. Andrea seems so lovely, too. He even looks a bit cute tonight. And he LOVES PUGS. I want to cuddle him. I hate this song he's singing, though. It's such a warble fest. He's singing it well, though. I love the emotion! Simon is such a twat with his donuts comment to him. Simon is being a prick. His analogy was completely lost on Andrea.
Lola's boyfriend is cute! He obviously likes fish. I like Lola, I thought it was weird when she got sent home. I did like Steph as well, though.  Eek, Lola sounds off. Shit. Oh she got good comments anyway. Never mind.
Next is Paul. My mum's favourite. Yawn! I hate Try a Little Tenderness, too. I can't get excited about this guy. I just don't get it. He's not for me. Was fat, now thinner. So what? Mel B thinks he's like a 'white Jay Z.'
I like Lauren Platt, she's cutesy. Loving her glittery eyeshadow, very Barry M. That song was a bit drab though, but her voice was good. I've just realised I've hardly said anything about what the judges are saying. It's because they're not saying anything interesting in the slightest.
Jack is the most pointless person in the competition. Nondescript voice, nondescript face and another hairsprayed quiff. Swap him with Jake and who could really tell the difference? Probably not even their own mothers. This one bores the crap out of me. I find him about as sexually attractive as I do Louis. Oh dear God, a pared down version of Eye of the Tiger. kjfjjrfjiieeeeueuuuuyrryryryiesjsjsjh. Sorry, that was me banging my head on my keyboard. I remember when this song had a tune. What issues is Mel talking about? Probably some problem with the duck killer she brought to work with her. And Mel might read this (ha!) and go, 'So he killed a duck! It was years ago!' But I say, once a duck killer, always a duck killer. Some things can't be erased by the sands of time.
Anyway. I can't get excited about Fleur. I like the letters spelling out her name. Remember Orla who Cheryl kicked out in place of the pathetic Chloe Jasmine? She was so interesting and cool. Fleur is just blah to me. I do like her little raps, and they're not cringe, which they easily could be, but I'm just not feeling her. Her backing vocals sound loud as fuck this week, too! You think they'd get the hint. Lady Marmalade, go away.
Stevi is getting on my nerves. Bring back Wagner! He looks like his face is melting. He can't sing a note. I can't even see the funny side. Louis agrees with me (worrying).
Simon pretending he goes to Harvester. Last time I went to a Harvester I locked myself out the house. Never again.
I've never seen Footloose, but I have seen the film where Kevin Bacon plays a paedo. I think I prefer that. Not sure it had any songs in it, though.
Dermot seems to be twitching about time tonight. He's making me feel on edge. Hold on, no one has done My Heart Will Go On yet. Talking of sinking ships, why is everyone moaning that this 8 piece boy band has 8... well, pieces, because they fucking put 8 of them together! I think they sing well. Fuck me, though, they ALL have that haircut! ALL OF THEM! Is it obligatory to be in a boyband, like when you join the army?  I like the little tattooed one and the kind of ugly one who seems to be the best singer. There's three I would get rid of, though. One with weird teeth, one who looks like a ventriloquist dummy and the youngest one. Then it becomes a bit more interesting. Oh you could also ditch that one in the baggy grey tshirt. No one would miss him. Also, Stereo Kicks is the worst band name since One Direction. Truly, an abomination. DEAR LORD, Let it Be. I HATE Let it Be. I can play it on the keyboard, though. That and Oh When the Saints, obv.
Ben: 'I used to be sitting at home watching on the other side of the TV.' Why not turn it round, then? I look at Ben Haenow and I just see Steve Brookstein. And we need another Steve Brookstein less than we need another James Blunt.
Is that it? Oh can't it go on for another half an hour (no one ever said). Thanks for reading!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Pratt's all, folks

Oh, hiya. You still watching? After the amazing Frenchy has gone? Me, too! What a waste, though. What a great housemate she was. I thought vote to save was meant to kill off the deadwood? I don't understand the voting public anymore, I really don't. I am out of touch with popular opinion, thank fuck.
On the subject of deadwood, anyone voting for Ricci and Lauren should have their fingers removed for their own good. But I see they've got 600K followers and 1.2m followers respectively and my heart sinks. Will someone I enjoy ever win Big Brother again?
Beware the unofficial apps! Makes a change from 'Beware the ides of Nicola T', I suppose (Stephen Baldwin reference for you, there, oldies).
Ooh a house divide! About time. How entitled of Edele to go 'the same amount of people voted for me as Gary'. Fuck off! But don't fuck off as much as Dee. Like a less cute Jabba the Hutt on 20 Superkings a day, barking in Gary's face for no particular reason. Seriously, what have we done to deserve her? And she's third favourite to win? Sign me up to Dignitas, pronto. I'll walk there if I have to.
Audley sticking up for Gary for being 'old' and 'set in his ways'. So what's everyone else's excuse for being such a dick in there?
OMG why are Dee and Lauren talking about Gary when he's sitting right there?! Rude fuckers. I wish they'd both drop dead, to be honest. Rotten people. Make Gary a sandwich! Would it really kill you? It's not like you've got anything better to do in there.
They're evicting someone quickly into the show! James and Kellie picking up some boos. Stephanie getting mixed boos. Bewitched: deathly silent. Haha, James was one of two with the most votes. Hilarity. What wags are voting for him?!
Gary is drinking tea while waiting to find out if he's safe. Better than eating an apple, right?
Ha, Kellie went 'Being the bad guy has paid off.' to James. She's not wrong actually. I must admit, I've been warming to James a little this week, he makes me laugh calling out Kellie and Audley, but I think it's just because everyone else is SO deathly dull. At least James owns being an arsehole. He doesn't pretend he's some salt of the earth bullshit like Fake Dee.
Ah a classic shitstir task. They have to fill in a survey slagging each other off. Good stuff!
James is calling Audley out for the cooking strategy ie. doing a Vinnie Jones. LOL James is trying to pin insulting Audley on George. Funny.
Frenchy was right, George and James ARE ganging up on Audley! Audley declaring George has a drinking problem. Ace.
James being mean about Lauren's drinking! 'Popping tits out by mistake'. But he wouldn't admit to it! Coward.
Sweet, Gary is putting Dee on blast! 'A world of anger'. Gary not admitting to his feedback. See, he DOES know what goes on. I'm glad he called her out. Says a lot that he doesn't dare say it to her directly because she's so rude, though. Mother figure indeed!
I'm tired of James vs Kellie and James vs Audley, to be honest. James just wants a row all the time, and he gets the airtime. 'I have friends and a family who care about me' to Kellie is a low blow, I'm sure she does, too. I think James's strategy is to get either Audley or Kellie to knock him clean out, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind watching that.
Oh, now James is coming clean to Lauren, after the fact. He's basically slut-shaming Lauren, saying she can't get her body out 'in case they edit it' to make him look bad to his wife. Dumb. He's just the morality police, the sex police.
I don't think I've seen Geordie Shore once this episode. Good job keeping him over Frenchy, bitches. Monster fail.
James, you don't need an education to be good at arguing. That's a street skill.
I like Audley calling James out for not standing up and admitting his comments to Lauren. James: 'Are you trying to be more interesting now?' Rude cunt. Arguing and disagreeing with everyone isn't interesting. It's tiring. What is James's problem with Audley? Why is he always needling him? God, I hope Audley doesn't go now, or James will be insufferably smug.
Eviction time! OMG, Stephanie is out. Oh well, I do think we'd seen all were going to get out of her. But another American evicted! What gives? Also, she's more interesting than either Edele or Kellie.
Stephanie is beautiful (before and after surgery) but rotten on the inside. You will never be clean, Stephanie. That dirt is in your black heart. At least James will be pissed off she's gone.
Stephanie saying Gary is really mean! Noooo. We've never seen it. She likes George 'as a friend'. No kidding.
Emma getting off the fence there and calling James out a bit to Stephanie, interesting. She obviously hates him, then.
I don't remember Stephanie saying 'we're sick of seeing your cock and balls' in her nomination to Gary, lol.
Emma: 'Would you like to know a secret?' Is it that you can't deviate from the autocue even when Stephanie's already told you she thinks it's a double? If so, that's not a secret.
Ooh just noticed Edele's dress, it looks rather nice. Can someone get Gary a new coat, please? That one is getting more wear than Kevin Webster's.
Oh, Kellie's out! Can't say I'm sorry. Except it's more grist to James's mill of bolshiness. Oh, nice of James to say she looked amazing, like when he called her babe one time, I thought that was decent of him. Aw, that was sweet, the goodbye with Kellie and Audley. Very classy all round. I like her exit music too, and she does look nice. She was just a bit of a draining housemate but I'll put it down to hormones and having to live with James, it can't be easy. I'm glad Kellie didn't get too badly booed, she's fragile.
Kellie: 'I went into the house drunk.' Fair play. She's raising awareness of the transgender community... is Nadia forgotten so quickly? She was a trailblazer for trans people over a decade ago. Luke A won the show with a dual strategy of smoking and not being Conor. Big Brother is very trans-friendly and always has been (except when Coolio's around), it's actually one place we don't need the education.
Surprise surprise, James is sensitive about being perceived as gay.  Kellie going on about Gary being nasty, too. Why are we not being shown it? Kellie has forgotten what happened yesterday. This interview is DRY. Zzzz.
Ugh, a pro Dee question. Yeah, even Jabba the Hutt was nice to people when he wanted a hit on his bong.
I was glad Kellie said she would have been better going in six months down the road, because I think that was apparent. 
Fuck me, did Edele dodge a bullet there, or what? Gary for the win! He needs the money for a new coat! Do they even get anything for winning?! There must be a bonus or something... or is just the faulty fireworks display and bus fare home? Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Throw me under the Busey

Welcome! It's been a great week for arseholery in the Big Brother house. I read today someone saying 'Why should everyone be judged on how they treat Gary in the house? Can't we concentrate on their other characteristics?' And the answer is: no. Because it tells you all you need to know about someone's character how they treat an old disabled man. I'm not saying Gary is easy to live with. I think Gary is grumpy and self-centred (as well as brilliantly funny and mesmerising). However, when you're shouting at an old man so much your veins are popping out in your neck, or saying an old man is a bad role model for burping when you and your braindead cronies fuck on TV for money, then you make it my problem. Then I'm judging ALL of you, including those just sitting there, saying nothing. Especially you! And how does cheeky Gogglebox George 'aw isn't he sweet?' get away with nominating Gary for being deaf? Audley's nomination of Kellie WAS discrimination. George's nomination of Gary WAS discrimination. Let's not be shy in calling a spade a spade. This is before we even get into James and the way he treats Gary, and the fact that despite constantly condescending him, treating him like he's two and telling him off, James is actually Gary's best friend in the house. I think Gary actually LIKES James. I don't know why, either.
Just a couple of hours of live feed (with adverts) showed you all you needed to know about these contestants, and they are rotten. They only people who didn't nominate Gary are Frenchy and Claire. Bewitched and Dee pretend they're peacemakers, whilst snipping at Gary at the same time. Meanwhile, despite burping, shhing people, interrupting and apparently, stinking, Gary comes across as the most pleasant, forgiving and loyal person in the house. His one liners are bordering on genius. Just looking at him in the background of a scene is more interesting than a whole conversation between Ricci, Lauren, Claire, Dee... should I go on?
Onto tonight's show! George is brave telling James he comes across condescending. James as usual doesn't listen.
I liked James saying to Kellie she shouldn't leave because of Audley. Kellie is such a drama queen. But Kellie has every right to be annoyed about being nominated because she's trangender. 'Audley tolerates me, he doesn't accept me.' I think that's true, you know. I liked Kellie saying, 'you should have talked to me m... woman to man.' That's not an expression people use, is it, 'man to woman'. Men talk to each other MAN TO MAN. Women aren't involved in those chats.
Kellie makes a good point about if she'd said something about Audley being black, or Leslie being gay. But you know what, I think they put Audley in there to set him up for a fall. I think he's dealing with it the best he can. I do believe him when he says 'I'm on your side' to Kellie. He seems like a nice guy, really.
It was brave of Audley to say 'everything I've grown up with I've had to reject.' It takes a lot to admit that everything you've always thought is wrong, but it makes you a better person on the other side of it.
Bless Gary saying he's going to change his ways to George. Doesn't he say that every day though?! Haha! Stay just as you are, Gary. Why does he have to change, but no one else does! He's fine the way he is.
Leslie moaning about being hungry; how did David cope in there! David; remember him? Me either.
Gary is having a laugh with Bewitched. Never washed up! Pull the other one.
Stephanie, you ARE gonna look mean because of the Gary stuff. Because you ARE mean!
Frenchy saying 'shut up bitches' to the booing crowd is class. Ha to the shock of Leslie and Kellie getting booed. Gary's got his sunglasses on. So's Audley. 'Get Kellie out'. Lovely. Kick a girl while she's down!
George is safe 'in no particular order' ie. Gary was saved first. Gary and Audley also safe. Those sunglasses must be deflecting the eviction.
Stephanie: 'Audley told me I need to keep my temper down.' Dee: 'No you don't.' Then Dee has a massive go at him for touching the pizza 'because of Stephanie.' No, because you're Vinnie Jones/ Pauline.
Gary cleaning the kitchen top was cute, if it wasn't for the others all taking the piss out of him as he did it. George gets right on my wick now. 'Doesn't have time' to talk to Gary. He's not even a smoker. (Chris joke there).
Gary and Frenchy - 'I'm a French pussycat.' Meow! Shades of George Galloway here. Frenchy actually talks to him like a fellow human. It's lovely to see.
Oh George, Stephanie isn't going to go out with you. You're not going to get past Spencer. You're not even going to get past your own mum and dad, and your mum's usual response to things is 'aww, isn't she lovely?'
They are trying to show Stephanie 'having fun' dressing up to save her, I guess. George ogling her and then saying: 'Can I have a hessian sack and a cable tie?' Is that a rape joke! Dear Lord. What a loveable cheeky chappie, hey?
Oh, Kellie, stop moaning! You're getting on my nerves. 'Everyone can nominate me'. You're not allowed to say that, are you?
Did you see Stephanie and George staring into each other's eyes when they were waiting for the announcement? It almost looked like the look of love... could believe it if she wasn't a Pratt. She's shrewd!
Leslie got the chop! 'I'm evicted?' Haha, he couldn't believe it. His little bottom lip went out and everything. You GOTTA GO, Leslie! No deciding who's in the final for you. Well unless you vote from home. or the Travelodge. That's warmed my heart, actually. The power housemate twist strikes again! It's always the way. This is a good result.
Leslie is going to take things on board. That's good to know. His clips of him throwing a strop were brilliant! He did have the good grace to look appalled. I think we saw the best/worst of Leslie in those few days.
Emma needs to correct Leslie, he was voted most entertaining BEFORE he started acting the goat.
At least Leslie said he was sorry about Gary, even if he did caveat it with a few things.
Fuck me, Emma actually mentioned the live feed. Astonishing.
No podcast tonight, btw, for those who listen, hopefully it will be this weekend  as Mr. Bile is working. I haven't even see the last two BBUS so I'm really twitching. No spoilers please!
Oh well, off to the scrapheap for you, Leslie. That tenner I put on Gary at 10/1 is looking sweeter every day. Meow! =^‥^=

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: It hurts my heart

Did they rename Big Brother 'Pick on a pensioner' when I wasn't looking? It's not the best, is it? Twice now I've had to rewind incidences of people picking on Gary to get the full horror of it. Not much fun, really.
If Frenchy is 38, I'm 12. She's more like 50. She fancies Ricci and Lauren. There's no accounting for taste, is there, both of them
Why is James bothered about George calling Audley 'Audrey'? What is his problem, as if we don't know! I'm surprised he can cope with Kellie in there. He seems like like people being in strict boxes.
George: 'I'm only good at running if it's to the pub or away from the police.' Love it.
Ugh, shopping task times. Casting couch! I'm surprised they're not doing a shitstirring task first off, they normally do.
I bet Gary Busey goes through a lot of toothpaste. He's got some gnashers on him. Gary drinking the vinegar! Well, he's drank worse, I'm sure. I like the team of Gary and Stephanie. They should team up, not separate! Gary is hilarious. I love the fact they're both going for it! I hope Mark isn't watching. He'll be gagging like hell.
Leslie can't sleep, bless him.
So Kellie is now a lesbian, not a heterosexual male, as Claire said. It IS confusing, though. I don't see why she should spend her life alone.
It is cruel making Lauren and Ricci read this stuff off the autocue, but quite funny, too. I hate that expression 'getting mortal'. It makes me think of that bedwetter who won it. So Ricci has a tiny penis! Doesn't surprise me. Lauren's face is endlessly fascinating.
Lauren saying it's sad that young girls want to be reality TV stars! What?!
Oh, here comes the Gary bashing! They edited the conversation weird so you couldn't really tell what was happening, but from the point we saw, it's just pack mentality. Gary probably 'shh's people because he can't hear unless one person is talking.
David/ Tornado doesn't think he should wait until someone's finished to talk. Er...?
What's Kelly Brook done to deserve this cunt? Seriously! How rude is he? Gary is deaf and you're talking too fast, you chump! I can barely understand what this creep is saying, no wonder Gary can't. Why is Gary having  to apologise to these horrible people? I like the way he went 'I know your limitations' to David, as if to say, 'I know you're a fucking idiot.'
Bewitched looks pissed off in the background. If she opens her mouth she could actually grab a few votes, rather than just sitting there like H from Steps. Dee was frowning, too.
Oh God, here comes James now. A tag team of tossers. I feel sad that Gary doesn't think we have freedom of speech in this country because these twats are bullying him.  'You're not in America!' No, he's a guest in our country! He's a deaf old man. Be polite, you fucking disgrace.
Gary: 'I'm not shhing you people, I'm being interrupted.' Welcome to Big Brother. No one listens.
I love Gary's comebacks. He says really barbed things and they don't even listen. 'It hurts my heart.' Aw.
Then they're all in the kitchen bitching about him. FFS, what a bunch of cunts. I hope they all die, seriously. Have some respect.
OMG even Leslie is having a dig at Gary now. Fucking hell. Is there no solidarity?! The way he just spoke about Gary was horrible. He's a has been? At least he was a WAS at some point! Who are you?! A never was? Little prick. Horrible man. And saying 'he's got to go' is talking about nominations as far as I'm concerned. No, YOU gotta go. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Gary isn't easy to live with. But cut him some slack, please.
Aw, I'm glad Kellie and Claire are backing Gary up. Gary needs someone to talk slowly to him and just give him some time and attention. That's all he needs. He is rude, but he's a deaf old man, FFS.
OMG I just got faith back in Big Brother! They told James off for ostracising Gary. They did it in quite a smart way, too, like not a tell off, but 'can you make sure the other's aren't being idiots' when he's the ringleader of the tormentors. Very shrewd. I'm so glad they did that, I was getting shades of Shilpa Shetty there. I did not like that one bit.
James's response: 'He could be ostracised if he continues to speak to people the way he speaks to them.' How about the way YOU speak to people, you jumped up piece of crap? 'Show respect, care and understanding.' It's sad they have to be told that, isn't it? Really sad. But really amazing that Big Brother actually DID something for once rather than letting us just watch in horror.
Eww, is George sucking Frenchy's toes?! Dear God. Oh and now Lauren talking about her sex life with Mark Wright. Spare me. Hope Tina's not watching.
Leslie's being kept awake at 3am, boo woo. I hope they keep you up all night, Leslie, you nasty little git. Serves you right for picking on a deaf person. Quite ironic, really! Haha. Now Leslie's waking everyone else up by shouting. Irony! I bet Gary's asleep, ner! I'm surprised they let him sleep in the sky pod or whatever it's called. Should pack him off to a hotel, the nasty little shit.
No eviction tomorrow! Please make it vote to save, Big Brother! Gary FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother Redux 2014: You're emotionally bent

Interesting the way Kellie talks about 'Frank' as if he's a separate person, isn't he? I find it fascinating. 'I've won and I've lost.' It's really emotive, but it doesn't feel like an act when she talks about it. Dee seems genuine and warm, too. She seems genuinely interested in what Kellie has to say.
Gary is giving a very heartfelt speech in the Diary Room, saying he loves everyone and his experience was 'set up by the angels'. Let's see how long that lasts. I hate this James guy, he's coming across like a mighty prick.
I wish they'd get a clue that this Duchess thing is not necessary and give it a rest. I find it so boring, when the dynamic is already really interesting, it actually puts a spanner in the works.
I'm not finding the highlights clips very interesting so far, is this the best they've got? Gary in a wig, Audley talking about his childhood, I'm sure it must have been more interesting than this yesterday. Even this crystal meth chat feels quite dull.
They're talking about Gary being mean but I've not seen him being mean. Gary on death: 'Don't expect a tragedy here'. He's the king of the acronym. I like his tall stories and his spiritual nonsense. It beats Mark's tea leaves.
What's the deal with this James guy? Methinks he's after some air time! It wouldn't take a genius to work our who the star of the show is, and it's not his boring arse.
The Duchess crap is finally over. Well done, you fooled two old age pensioners and one loopy French woman. Gary doesn't have a clue what day of the week it is, bless him.
I love the way Kellie talks about her kids! It's really loving. Everyone has treated her really respectfully, too.
Oh here we go. OK, I've watched this twice to make sure I've made sense of what happens. Gary to James: 'You are gay, aren't you?' It's a fairly innocent question, as James is a professional dancer, and a gay friend of mine thought he was gay, too (yes I have gay friends. Just like James does, ha.) James's instant reaction to that was 'fuck off.' Not, 'oh a lot of people say that.' 'Not, no, I'm straight actually.' But 'fuck off.' As if being gay is really offensive. So let's put the next part of the conversation into context. James is so fucking patronising. 'I have gay friends.'
Gary: 'So you're not afraid to get butt-fucked in the air?' Ok, I think Gary WAS joking, but I think he WAS trying to wind James up, too. 
'I've never hit a 70 year old before.' Charming. He didn't like that buttfuck comment, did he, not at ALL! What James said was very threatening.
James: 'I don't mind a cheeky little finger.' OK then. So straight people are allowed to do that, but no butt-fucking?
James: 'When I'm talking, you listen. Look at me when I'm taking to you.'
Gary: 'You do get buttfucked in your imagination.' 
James: 'You should be careful what you say.' That was a direct threat. Gary: 'You should be careful what you take seriously.'
Gary is mental, contradicts himself ALL the time! But I like him. He's the best one. I THINK Gary was joking, he just said it very dryly. Lauren actually defended Gary then, yay: 'that's what Gary's like.' I like Gary saying he couldn't remember what he said, but apologising for it anyway.
It was a good point Gary made when David said 'kiss and make up' James didn't take it seriously, but it was a similar sort of comment.
James is a nasty piece of work, a wrong 'un and a potential closet case. He revealed more about himself in that conversation than Gary ever has.
Buttfucking isn't gay or straight, anyway! Buttfucking is multi-purpose. This apology is hilarious. I love Gary saying 'you're emotionally bent.' There's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse, James. Relax! Gary: 'I didn't know your routine of negativity and restriction.' OMG brilliant! I missed that the first time. Gary is a dry fucker. I'm starting to think he created this whole situation to make James look like a total prick and it worked well. James: 'We don't say things like that in this country.' Don't speak for a country, you twat! Gary can say whatever the fuck he wants (within Big Brother's rules, ha.) Gary is so magnanimous in the face of this super douchery. That whole scene and the bit outside is worth watching twice, it really is.
Not even worth mentioning Ricci and Tornado in the tree house or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't even bear looking at that Ricci's face. These people are amoebas.
Dee thinks Gary is interesting. I like Dee, she seems sound. 'I came in not once, but twice.' I loved it when she said Kellie looked gorgeous and it doesn't take much to sit and listen to someone. Too true.
Why is Stephanie bagging on her fellow American?
Why is James still banging on about James! 'Look at me when I'm talking to you.' No, you're not very interesting AT ALL. This guy is so pompous.
Something sad about Gary saying 'there's a great party atmosphere' while sitting on his own in the garden.
Stephanie: 'Who would you rather have kill you, David or Gary?' Bit of a strange question. That's the Pratt lineage for you.
This rock paper scissors 'game' is making me feel very uneasy. They're trying to wind Gary up and I don't like it. It feels like they're all laughing at him! He's an old man, FFS, let him sleep. I hate these people. Except Gary. And George. And Leslie. And Dee.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: We're all Royal here

Hiya loves! I enjoyed that live feed last night. An hour of Gary Busey going 'what?' and genuinely enjoyable. More please!
Recap times! I like seeing some of the bits you don't get to see but there's just too much we've already seen.
Oh so Dee's task was for the food budget after all. Yawn! David: 'It's not hard to trick Americans' in front of Stephanie. Rude! He's not exactly Stephen Hawkins himself.
So I'm seeing a picture of Gary and Frenchy together and it says they dated for two years; and he didn't even recognise her last night! WTF. That can't be possible, can it? Unless she's had so much plastic surgery, she's unrecognisable. It's possible.
Lauren patronising Gary Busey! Wrong! Gary: 'TEAM: Together everyone acheives more'. Brilliant. That's Celebrity rehab talk for you. George: 'I'm on a show where people watch people on TV.' Gary: 'Wow.' Gogglebox sounds like the most English word ever right now. Go-Go box sounds like a fun nightclub.
Edele on Dee: 'She's 21st in line to the throne.' Gary: 'We're all Royal here.' Gary is going to be king of the one liners. Might as well just forget about the other housemates when Gary's in the house. He's making up for ten housemates.
This twist is totally pointless as well, although Dee is dealing with it very well. She's coming across a lot better than I thought she would.I like Kellie and Dee bonding. 'This isn't the worst thing you've had to go through?' That was quite touching. Dee came across quite caring there. It could be gameplay but I like to think not.
I like Leslie, he's a cutie pie. He likes Mike Tindall, lol. Lying about his age, too! I think Kellie was on to him, though.
I think George is going to give good Diary Room. He's a TV critic, basically, so he should do.
Gary and Dee are cracking me up. I love the fact he says everything's an honour. Gary: 'We're going to have some fun.' Don't talk to Gary about rehab! He's written the book. I love Gary. I admit it. Gary to Dee: 'We're going to build you a throne!' He is amazing. I still don't think it's quite right him being there. But he's TV gold. I'm rubber-necking, but it's still gold, like Stephen Baldwin on steroids.
Claire to Frenchy: 'What are you here for?' Frenchy: 'I like to get naked a lot.'
I can't stand Edele. She comes across really cold. Lauren and Ricci are a waste of space, too. I don't like Emmerdale or Tornado either.
Leslie seems VERY smart, except for the Duchess nonsense. Surely he'd know a Duchess would be posher? 'Not ready to vote Gary out yet.' Give it time!
Lauren is such a fish face. What HAS she done to her face?! She makes Amy Childs look natural. Still, I bet she smells like peppermint. A wet arse? I thought the Geordie Shores were the bedwetters. I guess it's going cross-reality now.
I like Dee, she's quite matter of fact. I think she quite suits that outfit. Frenchy: not impressed by hunting. 'Swans are magnificent.' Bless her. I love the French accent. My boyfriend thinks Frenchy knows it's a task. They all seemed to know each other's names, so I wouldn't be surprised.
James: 'What's your favourite movie you've ever been in?' Gary lists ten different films. The spirit of Patrick Swayze came through him. George: unimpressed. James: trying to say sexist things to shock. Oh dear.
I like the way Frenchy says, 'Douchesssss!' That James guy is a dick.
What has Lauren been drinking! She looks hammered! She's making a smashed final two with George. Lauren: 'I wanna be sober now.' George: 'I wanna be as drunk as you.' I'd rather get off with George than Ricci.
Oh god, not the 'we all get along so great' speech. Gimme a break. Give it two days, they'll be tearing each other's throats out.
James has got 'energy envy' about the youngsters. He's not there to necessarily cause any trouble. Just bore us all to death.
We heard Gary talking about having his own double bed on the live feed last night. Oh dear, he's shushing them. I think he's laughing, though. Imagine those teeth glinting at you in the night. I think anyone who takes on Gary though, does so at their peril. I can see him having a lot of public support. I like all the Americans actually. Not much Stephanie Pratt in that episode, though! Spencer must be fuming.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.

Big Brother 2014: (This series was not) Absolutely fantastic

What's the opposite of 'absolutely fantastic'? Big Brother 2014. It was the series that almost killed my blog; and I blame Helen. No, I don't, I blame the production. Never has more of a mess been made of things, and never have viewers been more insulted. And we saw Conor walk out of there with a bag full of swag. And still that wasn't as much of an insult as this sham of a series. Quite something, isn't it?
This will be the last blog I do about Big Brother 2014, but I'll be back yapping for CBB next week and hoping it's more of a Lee Ryan taps-on affair than a Abz swan-apple yawnathon (no offence to Abz or his lovely swan apple).
If you've been listening to our podcast you'll be in the loop with my feelings on the season, but this week in particular it has felt like Big Brother is determined to edit Ashleigh in a bad light and Helen positively. Do they think we can't see through it? Ashleigh isn't MY winner, but she deserves it a damn sight more than raging nutcase alwaysintheright Helen. Helen has nor redeemed herself. You can't be one way for two months then another for ten minutes and fool people. You just can't.
Christopher was my winner for the past two weeks or so for being generally a sweet soul, but the constant interference even destroyed that for me last night, when Chris spinelessly saved pointless Pav over Chris. The fact ANYONE is still eating up that journey bullshit is CRIMINAL. Pav has barely been to the shops and back. Chris has been living in fear of Helen for two plus months, his only salvation in a packet of Golden Virginia. Let's get the 'journeys' into perspective, and then never say the word journey again.
This is a series so horrendously bad that Ash; a man who cheerfully said 'I'd hate to go out with a girl who's a slut', called a woman a 'maggot' to her face and said 'put some of the water back in the pool' (behind her back) when the same woman (Slugsworth, if you must know) was trying to enjoy herself, is now some sort of hero. Like some kind of potential winner, just because he says 'absolutely fantastic' in a funny voice (admittedly, it is genius). Meanwhile, dumbo Winston got Tamara foisted back on him, and Mark and his LIES spectacularly unravelled, leaving him to hang up his eyebrows on the back of the Diary Room door, a bit like Daley had to do last year with Hazel's salmon pink hoodie.
The series is a MESS. The only thing the shit-for-brains producers have stuck to is doggedly refusing to take Helen's pass of her, despite her temper tantrums, cruelness and general bullying (yeah I said it) and undoubtedly, viewers switching off in droves.
Anyway, tonight's show is just Ashleigh getting stitched up, and Chris cringing. Helen can't even explode with Chris there, they are too mismatched a pairing. It's no good having a secret room unless the people collude. It's not exactly Gina and Dexter, is it?
Helen's keeping her enormous gob shut for once - she's no fool, she's got her eyes on the prize (t.m. Pav's mum, but not quite) and she's not going to blow it now. Well, not until she had a can of whisky, anyway.
So now they're doing a task making Ashleigh and Pav insufferable. The old Dustin treatment, hey! They must think we were BORN YESTERDAY. Yet some people are, and will probably fall for it. Sigh.
I kind of feel sorry for Helen having no one to bitch with in that room. She can't call Ashleigh a cunt to Chris, so she just has to simmer to herself. Quite funny when you think about it. The long and short of this is Chris has got live feed, and not one other thing to do in that room, and even HE can't be bothered to watch it. Are Big Brother trying to make a point or what, lol. Don't worry, I won't start going on about outside contact. 
Hmm, this is quite a boring episode, isn't it, I should have done last night. Watching people watching TV, it's like Gogglebox without the laughs, or Beavis and Butthead without the music videos. Last night had two fake evictions, Iris doing the zingbot voice and Ash as a psychologist. And for all the jokes on Twitter about Helen, that picture DID look like a dick that was split in half!
The fake interview section was quite boring, with Pav saying he wants to earn £10K a month and live in a mansion. I think Chris's questions were the problem. Is it a fact the egg came before the chicken? No it is not. He's like the Richard Dawkins of the chicken/egg conundrum. Chris is being a bit of a party pooper tonight.
Why is Helen crying in the Diary Room? Why isn't she going mad over Ashleigh? Why is Chris always trying to cuddle her? Why oh why oh why.
Now, let's see who looks GENUINELY happy when Chris and Helen return! Ash thinks it's fantastic, but not absolutely fantastic, which just isn't good enough. They all actually look quite happy. Chris is REALLY happy to see other people again! Not exactly fight night, is it?
Ash: 'I thought we'd got rid of them!' and 'what's happening, dragon?' to Helen, lol. Ash has become the king of the one liners. Ash is funnier than Chris, for reals. Shame he's a complete knob, also.
Oh, Helen's going down the sympathy route, rather than down 'put 'em on blast' route. She must think we have short memories, and you know what, she's right. Look how quickly that 'creepy Chris' edit took hold.
Is that Pav's actual necklace, or has he just kept his bling on from the task? Either way, weak gameplay.  Never wear the crown, the HOH robe, or any other regalia. Especially no dictator uniforms.
I'm glad Christopher is feeling guilty for evicting Chris, so he should. You lost my vote, Christmas. As it stands now, Chris is my winner, but I don't really mind who wins out of Chris, Ashleigh or Christopher. If Chris wins, it's a victory for the viewers, as he said what we were thinking (yeah behind people's backs, and so would you, probably). If Christopher wins, it would be a slap in the face to Pauline, Toya and Mark, who made him feel small. If Ashleigh wins, it will drive Helen mad. And that's as good a reason as any. If by some weird reason Ash wins, I wouldn't even begrudge him it. I wouldn't even begrudge Helen as she's at least put the spade work in, in her own sick way. Pav though! That journey! No way, mate. Not on my watch.
Helen, no amount of bitterness towards Ashleigh can win it for you now. So just stop it. Someone on Twitter said to me tonight 'how come when Ashleigh bitches it's OK?' and the answer is, because Ashleigh has not terrorised the house for two months plus. If people think they're in any way similar, they're mad. Ashleigh is a normal girl, Helen has a screw loose. I like certain sides to Helen, but she's a loose cannon and needs a good couple of years of therapy. Ashleigh is perfectly sane and has been quite patient, if anything.
Helen is desperately jealous of Ashleigh, and Ashleigh has the effortless respect of the men in the house. Ash is Helen's 'best friend/sidekick' and he takes the mick out of her all the time. Plus his mum will ground him if he tries to hang out with Helen in the outside world.
Ash just did a toast that included not one but TWO (count them) 'fantastics'. Bit of a waste of wine, though.
So that's it from me! I'm off to Sweden for a wedding at 7am on Friday morning so I'll be avoiding spoilers (can't imagine the Big Brother winner is front page news in Sweden) and catching up when I get back on Sunday.
We WILL be doing a wrap up podcast, so do give us a listen if you like that sort of thing. I do it with my boyfriend James and he's funnier than me, which is annoying. And check out Big Brother US if you love Big Brother in general. It's great fun and we podcast that, too.
See you for Celebrity Big Brother on Monday and thanks for reading. I really appreciate the hardcore gang of us left clinging on, and the bitching on Twitter has been very enjoyable, funny and imaginative, unlike this series of Big Brother. You're all absolutely fantastic.

Big Brother 2014: S.T.E.V.E.N.P.U.S.H.O.F.F

I haven't written a blog since I was called shallow and illiterate - too busy crying. Not really, I've been wondering how they're gonna fix Big Brother next. At least I predicted it in my last blog; we were enjoying the show too much; they had to ruin it again, by putting the favourite up. And the most scary part was, Steven could have been saved from the block with that stupid twist. That could have actually happened. Scary, isn't it?
Why has Zoe got a hunchback? Perhaps she's growing a tail. New housemates got shafted big time by the old housemates this week; they're not gameplanning, they're just boring. I actually feel a bit sorry for them because they're being ostracised for no reason. Helen's dressed like X Factor US era Cheryl Cole.
They are showing Ashleigh saying she doesn't think she's going! Mixers. It's another few quid in the pocket of Bruv, innit.
The old housemates patronising Pav is quite annoying. I wish Winston would get off his case.
I don't think Chris needs tasks that make him look more creepy. And I don't think Zoe gives many 'lob ons'. Mark is more assaulting Christopher than arousing him.
BBUK housemates are not cut out for endurance. Good to see them strategising already, though. Steven: 'I could stay here all night.' Just like his sex sessions. I see the gunge is back. They must have got a job lot off ebay. But the REAL task is... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Get who out? Sounds like Zoe. Yet she had the fewest votes, WTF. I don't get why Pav is getting booed.
Kimberly is Steve's friends and family now. Tragic. Are they chanting 'cheat' at her? I wish Steven's mum would fuck off. That friends and family section went on for aeons.
Why don't Mark and Steven judge the newbies on face value and not on hearsay?
Mark treats Christopher like a piece of shit. He's like a mini Pauline the way he treats Christopher. His game has gone out the window this week.
Steven it's too late for 'journey' talk. Hit the road. Did Zoe really say she was only fit to talk to celebs? Dearie me. And once she was safe, too!
Are the crowd really chanting 'get Pav out'? But it was Steven! Thank god.
He has to have the eye shut during his interview like a proper hate figure. He looks under the cosh. Of course you don't agree with people putting you up, idiot.
No 30 seconds to say goodbye to Kimberly, boo hoo. Steven didn't look embarrassed about ANY of his highlights. Shameless.
Five people have had sex in the Big Brother house? Is the odd number Kinga?
Emma going on at Steven about the sex. Blah. Ooh, she's mentioning him being controlling, good. And the photos. Steven doesn't get it and will never get it. I honestly think he's unhinged.
Ooh, he's put on a few pounds in the house, hasn't he. No ham on toast in his best bits? Poor cow.
Kimberly nearly got smacked on the head with the eye. Their cuddle was so awkward! Steven wants booze, not robo-fanny. I doubt if his mum will leave his side all night, the interfering old bag.
We have the power to protect a housemate? The REAL task will probably be that they get the boot. This is what happens when you lose the trust of your viewers. That and your ratings go the way of Mark's popularity. Night!

Big Brother 2014: Battle of the blands

Run bilious blog.
Hiya! Thought I'd better do a blog NOT on an eviction night for once. I do feel I've dropped the ball with my blog; but then Big Brother have dropped the ball with these housemates, so I guess it's checkmate. Still: I'll soldier on and just pray for a better series next time, or for someone who gives a shit about Big Brother to buy it. Live feeds don't work? Seem to be working in BBUS just fine. Our BB is so cheap and nasty in comparison, it makes me feel grubby. Also, these new housemates are hopeless. Danielle for them was NOT a good swap. Everyone is so odious at this point that Helen and Ash are looking positively charming. How did THAT happen?!
Some other things: I'm fed up with Chris getting singled out in EVERY SINGLE task. Can you remember the last time Helen got stitched up? That someone saw Helen bitching? No, because it's never happened. Maaaaaaark's game is unraveling fast, and the weaker he gets, the stronger and more sane Christopher seems. He's sweet and charming, and you can't say that for anyone else in the house. He's my pick to win right now.
Ashleigh sold Danielle down the river way too fast for my liking, but it's not like Danielle didn't do it to her as well (letting Helen call Ashleigh a bitch) so I'll call that a draw.
So Kimberly was gone for good (not a great shock there) and they give psycho Steve a PHONE CALL. Why, exactly?! Big Brother is about making people SWEAT about the outside world, not reassuring them, and especially not reassuring this entitled prick. He really does get everything he wants, and I can't bear it. I hope he chokes on his ham and toast. Are we missing Kimberly? No, we are not. Still, an interview with her would be nice. Even ejected housemates get an interview. What gets her off the hook? Hospital? She was in the morgue a couple of weeks ago and still looked lively.
Anyway, onto tonight. Battle of the bands! They did this in BBAU and it was really good. The song they sang was really catchy and got stuck in my head. They spend a few quid on their tasks, though, unlike us. They recorded their vocals and everything. Can't see that happening here.
Did Ash and Helen do more under the covers? I don't know and I'm happy not to know. Let's just use our imagination, or not as the case may be. All the 'jokes' on Twitter about her invoicing Ash etc are absolutely pathetic (as opposed to absolutely fantastic) by the way. But we do love to slut shame, don't we. People just cannot resist it. Ash and Helen are well matched; I just don't have much confidence in him to stick by her (even as a friend) once his mum has her say.
Mark not choosing Christopher for his team! What a prick. Mark's treatment of Christopher is really poor. And Christopher's little face, too. Aw.  
So it's Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine vs The Killers. How can people not know how Mr Brightside goes? Animals! Dear God, I hate Zoe. She loves herself SO much! She's super bossy, too. It's like doing karaoke with someone who can actually sing. Annoying. It reminds me of when Rex's girlfriend came in and did Thriller. That's the only thing I can remember about her. Except she was a complete cunt.
Aw, Christopher at the back is too cute. Nice to see Ashleigh with a smile on her face for once, too.
Mark is getting The Killers confused with Bon Jovi, lol. Winston during that song made me cry with laughter. Ashleigh bitching about them was funny, as well. The Killers was clearly more entertaining! Haha, and they won. Hilarity.
Mark getting overruled on inviting Ashleigh to the party. Talk about outvoted. Helen is so bossy! How Ash ever stayed on the block when the boys were up is beyond me with Helen 'alwaysintheright' in his corner.
I don't blame Ashleigh for being annoyed! On Helen: 'She's an absolute tramp.'Weeeeeeelll (refer to my earlier comment).
Christopher pining over Mark; Mark was the weak link in the band if anything. Oh God, Helen's on the cider. God help us.
I like Ashleigh's reaction to being chosen as the power housemate. I voted for Christopher! I'm glad Ashleigh got it, though. Shit though, everyone who's been the power housemate has pretty much left so far. Mind you, it's secret so maybe that will help her. I'd say her acting was so/so when it got announced. Steven: 'I think Pauline's coming back in.' What?! Finger so not on the pulse .
Detective Winston is on the case of the power housemate! He needs the moustache again. Ashleigh seems somewhat drunk for someone who doesn't drink. And Chris is doing a drunk diary room.
Helen fretting about losing her pass. Steven trying to force Ash and Helen into a relationship! Stop! It's not good to be a hash pusher.
ARE Big Brother going to give Ashleigh the power to evict Helen? That would be delicious. So they probably won't.
Helen would give her pass to the final to STEVEN! Argh! Why is she always so rude to Christopher! It's horrible. Her and Mark should be ashamed. I hope Mark doesn't win, purely because of his treatment of Christopher. I'd rather see Winston take it as at least he sticks up for people.
Ashleigh likes having the power, because she likes hatching evil plans. Can she finally finish off what she started with Ash this week? I like it when she's super confident in the diary room. She looks stunning again when she's not carping in the corner. Are we actually going to have a happy week? Happy happy house? Nah, don't be silly. I'm sure they'll think of a way to fuck it right up. Remember Toya was the power housemate and went home? Expect the unexpected. And unwanted. And unfair. Night all!

Big Brother 2014: This is a really nasty bunch of people

Evening! So, three new housemates and all of them pure arseholes. Good work, Big Brother.
So only the two SAVED new housemates get to vote on which original housemate to evict.Save Pav, in that case, as he's the only one talking sense.
OMG Kimberly is ill and has temporarily left the house and is SAFE from eviction. She won't be back. I can't believe Steven allowed her out. What's wrong with her? Pregnant? Getting a change of head? It's weird that she's safe from eviction. That was good timing on her part. Hopefully it increases the chances of Steven leaving.
Chris now likes all the original housemates. I think it's catching as I have warmed towards Helen and Ash this week, which is messed up. Editing!
Does Steven get the joke of 'open up to Steven'? I suspect not. Steven kind of works as a chat show host. Yay, Pav is taking down Steven's firework nonsense. Steven: 'No one came in here for the 100K'. WTF! I didn't understand how Steven could turn 100K of fireworks into 300K. I think because it made no sense.
Zoe telling Ashleigh to 'whip her hair round'. Shut up. Zoe doesn't want to smell Steven 'having a bonk'. Me either.
Biannca is pledging to do a Kinga 2. Fair dos.
Winston: 'You're not going to get the right guy saying I want to ride your cock.' Biannca: 'I don't want the right guy, I just want to sit on your cock.' That's him told.
OMG Biannca is making Danielle crying by calling her a horny devil! Aw, poor Danielle, the whole facade is crumbling. I wish Biannca would shut her giant yap.
OMG an actual advert for fanny spray. Toya, RIP.
Helen gets off the hook in these tasks EVERY TIME. Good on that injunction, hey?
LOL to Dexter's penis size getting dragged through the mud. Danielle is upset cos she's been described as 'horny'. Helen is not helping matters.
Danielle admitted about the topless stuff when Danielle wasn't there! Why is Biannca so bothered if Danielle has had sex or not? Let her be deluded if she wants. Stop trying to drag everyone down to your level, Biannca.
LOL to the sign saying 'Two second Steve #topshagger'. Good work.
Chris = not a Britney fan. 'The others are pretending to have fun'. Ha, they probably are. Chris was spot on, they are a nasty bunch of people and who cares what Danielle has done? So true about Helen's secret as well.
Remember when Danielle was moanging about Helen working out topless?! Now Bianca is rolling round naked. LOL. They're wrapping her in a piece of cardboard. Danielle's not happy.
'Stop touching my face.' How romantic.
Helen and Ash getting off! Took them long enough. Is Kimberly gonna crawl along the floor and bang her head on his bed?
What are the crowd chanting? 'You slept with Steven?' 'Two second Steven?' Shame Kimberly's not there to hear that. Mind you, she already knows.
Noobs eviction! Is Zoe wearing a leather top? She's bold in this heat. Why is Pav getting booed?
Biannca is leaving! That's good as she was too in with Helen. I wasn't sure who would go. Hopefully Pav and Zoe will make a sensible decision.
OMG to Biannca getting her boobs out at the top of the stairs. Emma is not impressed. She's such a prude, ha. Biannca is getting 'who are ya' chanted at her. I can't believe they're interviewing her out there. Poor thing! At least I don't have to type 'Biannca' anymore. Here's your best tits. Let's face it, we'd seen all that Biannca had to offer.
Shit it's the real eviction. The crowd seem keen for Steven to go, right. OMG they evicted Danielle. No way, she shouldn't have gone like that. Totally unfair. Listen to the crowd, you fuckwits. They didn't even give a reason.
Danielle's going all sultry as she's evicted! She's changing back to her old persona! She looks great in that dress. She actually looks sexy!
Damn right it's not fair that Danielle went. It WAS Biannca's decision too, they'd already decided FFS! Glad Danielle has got the hump, she's got every right to be. Danielle giving a politicians answer to the question of the glamour shoots. Good on her. Oh shut up, Emma, stop slut-shaming. Emma Willis could be the new Denise Robertson the way she goes on.
Danielle laughing at the clips of herself swearing - good on her. OMG! Danielle saw 'protection' on the dressing table. Lawks! At least they're using protection. I forgot about that green dress she came in wearing. It was horrid.
Aw, Danielle. You went too soon. But at least it wasn't the first week, and it could have been. Armageddon? Cuntmageddon more like.
Meanwhile, Kimberly boards a flight back to America. Fingers crossed. For her sake.

Album review: Morrissey – World Peace is None of Your Business

Welcome to one of my sporadic album reviews where I go through track by track and say which song of this new album sounds like a song off one of the ’s old albums. Really, what more do you need to know?

I had my first listen to World Peace is None of Your Business yesterday so this is only my second listen, and just like first impressions of Big Brother housemates, all first night/week opinions are subject to change. But it’s a bit boring to review an album a month after you’ve got it, isn’t it? I laughed my arse off on the first listen, this album is funnier than Morrissey’s book.

It made me realise how long it has been between albums, too as Years of Refusal came out when I’d not been with my boyfriend long. We sat in a bedsit in Finsbury Park reading the lyrics when it came out, and laughing at lyrics like ‘it hasn’t!’ and it’s now we’re reading new lyrics nearly six years later. He does like to make us wait.

First up, World Peace is None of Your Business. God, that’s long to write out every time. This was the only song from the album I’d already heard. It starts off with what sounds like a didgeridoo, which is a bit worrying in the current post-Rolf climate. The song reminds me of I will see you in far off places, but I think that might just be the length of the title. It has a kind of Sweetie Pie-esque dreaminess about it in the verses. The lyrics are a bit clunky, but ‘each time you vote you support the process’ is bound to wind people up, which makes it a good lyric. And no, Morrissey didn’t get that idea from Russell Brand. Morrissey virtually gave birth to Russell Brand, so get it the right way round. Always nice to be called ‘a poor little fool’ by Morrissey, too.

Next is Neal Cassady drops dead. Who is Neal Cassady? I don’t know. Some black and white dude according to my Google search. It doesn’t matter, because the crux of this song is the ‘chorus’: ‘everyone has babies, babies full of rabies, rabies full of scabies… get that thing away from me.’ Not forgetting ‘tyke full of gripe.’ He also uses the word ‘nipper’ – I thought that was in the sole domain of Matthew Wright and his panellists on The Wright Stuff. There’s also an Irish sounding bit at the end where just sings no words for a while.

I’m Not a Man has a pointlessly long, almost silent 1.37 second intro… am I listening to a Bright Eyes album or a Morrissey album? This song has a decent level of theatrics and some odd lyrics – ‘beef-a-ronie’?! I can imagine him doing it live. I would plot it on the anthem scale of; not as good as It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore but better than Come Back to Camden. He also does some Chris Martin style ‘woo woo’s. Vegetarians note: there’s some funny lyrics about T-bone steak giving people cancer of the prostate.  I like to think of this song as the antidote to that awful song out at the moment that goes ‘I’m a man, yes I am.’ (That’s a reference for my younger readers.)

I’m not hugely enamoured with Istanbul but my boyfriend liked it. On first listen it made me think of The Father Who Must Be Killed – argh! But it’s not that bad. It’s quite atmospheric, I suppose. I’m not really feeling it – yet!

Earth is the Loneliness Planet of All is the one I’ve almost learnt the lyrics to already; it’s pretty catchy. It has a Spanish-sounding guitar on it and the lyrics are quite mournful. It has quite a good little instrumental bit at the end, too. It should be the next single, if Morrissey’s record label hadn’t pointlessly released almost every album as a download-only single already.

If you’re concerned about the title of Staircase at the University, you’d be right to be. A very strange song about someone throwing themselves down the stairs because of exam pressure. Like, where do you get your ideas, Morrissey, you mad sod? It’s a very jaunty little number for lyrics about someone’s ‘head splitting three ways’. This song kind of reminds me of Mute Witness, in that it has a throwaway, upbeat quality, and you know what? I like Mute Witness.

The Bullfighter Dies sounds like it’s going to be Meat is Murder-style depressing from the title, but is actually another perky one. I like the ‘mad in Madrid’ ‘ill in Seville’ lines. The chorus goes ‘hooray, hooray, the bullfighter dies.’ Who wouldn’t want to sing along to that?

My friend said she’d heard Kiss me a Lot on the radio and ‘it was shit’. I’m just surprised El Moz is getting played on the radio. Besides, it’s better than Let Me Kiss You. But what isn’t? It kind of reminds me of I Like You in that it’s sort of throwaway, but fun.

The first turkey of the album is Smiler with Knife, which is probably one of the worst titles of all time, plus the song has no tune. It plods along, painfully. This is going to be wearing down my skip button.

Kick the Bride Down the Aisle lyrically reminds me of Courtney Love’s new song Wedding Day ‘Break my neck on my wedding day/ She can’t walk but she can crawl’. It’s a funny title although the song is quite misogynistic, but it’s not like we haven’t heard it before from Moz, going as far back as William.. I noticed him doing it in his book as well, writing women off as fat or just lipstick wearers. Like Eminem, Morrissey gets a pass, but let’s not make a habit of it, hey? Why not ‘kick the husband down (or up) the aisle’? Sample lyric: ‘Look at that cow in the field, it knows more than your bride knows now.’ And I’m just pleased he wasn’t saying ‘look at that cow’ to describe the bride. Kristeen Young is also yodelling in the background if you like that sort of thing… I do, but only in short doses. I think I Will Never Marry probably summed up this sentiment a lot more poetically.

Next, unfortunately, is another duff one, but what did you expect from the title – Mountjoy?! Nonsensical lyrics and mentions of ‘man and boy’ – never good. I think ‘droning’ would be a good word to describe this song. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough a title, the next song is called Oboe Concerto. No oboes, please! And no flutes either. This isn’t a great ending to the album.

On the whole, though, three bad songs out of 12 isn’t bad, sometimes it’s only three GOOD songs out of 12. But… there’s no one song that I want to take to my heart and cuddle, either. Still at this point I’m just glad he’s still putting albums out. No, I’m just glad he’s alive.

Luckily, if you got the deluxe version, there’s some more good stuff to come. There’s a high-drama studio version of Scandinavia, which is great to have and true to the live version.

Next is possibly my favourite song of the lot (well done for not putting it on the album proper, Moz!) One of Your Own. It has an almost-underwater piano running behind it and the lyrics, ‘A job half done isn’t done’. Lyrically has that serial killer vibe about it which Moz loves so much. I like the end where he just repeats ‘I have no use for tomorrow.’

Drag the River starts with the sound of the ocean – well it sounds more like the ocean than the river. I’d say it’s quite a standard Morrissey b-side, pretty but not amazing.

Forgive Someone is pretty duff, I must say. Who exactly? Next is Julie in the Weeds, another shocking song title and quite unmemorable except for some interesting sound effects in the middle.

The final song is the hilarious Art Hounds – ‘When you can’t find a table for your fat aunt Mabel you stamp your feet and cry’ – which is brilliant to hear a studio version of, but it’s lacking a bit of the bite of the live version. It sounds a bit slowed down and not as high in the chorus? Also some of the lyrics have changed for the worst, like changing ‘If you cannot stand the real world, take my hand’ to ‘if you cannot stand this fake world take my hand’ which isn’t as good or as cool. You’ve got to love ‘I take 16 pills to send me to sleep and 16 to shake me awake’, though. It takes me back to Something is Squeezing my Skull, which takes us back to Years of Refusal – and where we started.

So that’s it. Funny, silly, dramatic, clever, childish… it’s all there. Now who does that remind you of? 

Big Brother 2014: Come Armageddon come

Nice to have a Morrissey-related title on the day his new album comes out, isn't it? Nicer still to have Armageddon; if only they'd wipe this lot out for real.
So why is tonight's episode only an hour!? Surely we need longer for three new housemates and an eviction. What about the highlights?
Who goes? They decide. Not quite got the same ring to it, has it? I don't trust these lot to make the right decision, that's the problem! They keep fucking it up.
'Mark is feeling regretful.' Five minutes later: 'No regrets.' Mark has 'thrown himself into the full experience.' Well you could have done it on camera and not in a blind spot in the storeroom, spoilsport! Sort your cameras out, Big Brother. Get your angles in order. I like the Mark and Christopher romance. And they know how to get it on DISCREETLY under the covers.
Mark being all cagey around Christopher now and Christopher covering for him, pretending nothing happened. Maybe Mark's parents are really conservative?
I don't even know what Ashleigh and Danielle are getting pissy with each other about. I enjoyed the raft wars yesterday, it was actually quite a fun episode with the focus off psycho Steve and the robot.
Remind me not to tell Ash any secrets, blabbermouth. Aw, Christopher likes Mark 'a little bit.' I think their relationship is so cute and fragile. I don't think either of them know what they want. I think Christopher is right that Mark likes him more than he'd admit. Christopher's Mark impression was startlingly good.
Chris having a little sing to the moon there. It's like Eastenders, isn't it? Only more depressing.
WTF so they nominated yesterday and we don't even get to SEE the nominations! Why aren't they doing it live? Oh I know, so they can fix the result, ie. make it the person with the most nominations as opposed to making the other housemates choose between them if they didn't like that result. I see you, Big Brother! I know your game.
It's got to be Marlon. Please! OMG it was. Thank God. Is he going out with no top on? LOL Marlon is getting evicted naked to no crowd. Hilarity. He seems to be taking it in good humour. I've never seen him so perky. Maybe him pressing that button last week wasn't so bad after all! Byeeeeeeee! Imagine if it HAD been Ashleigh though? I've even warmed to that maggot Ash in the past week. BB was playing with fire there; well, if they hadn't already fixed it beforehand, that is.
Marlon getting interviewed in a dressing gown from Jo O' Meara's autumn collection is quite fitting. It is sad when they don't get the crowd, I think, even if they are an arse. But that's the way it goes sometimes.
Marlon got nominated by everyone, didn't he? Oh, everyone except Danielle and Ashleigh apparently. Feel a bit jibbed that we didn't get to see all the nominations, I would have like to have seen the reasons for Ash, at least.
I don't know why Emma is going Marlon such a hard time about the button pushing thing, because he dug his own grave anyway. He's sitting there in the grossest looking dressing down I've ever seen and everyone in the house will have forgotten his name by midnight. I feel sorry for him really, the sheen really came off. He had no personality, no game, nothing. 
Marlon's best bit was getting evicted in his underpants. And his reaction to the new housemates, lol. Christ, did Emma have to speak to him for so long? Not much time for new housemates, is there? Bollocks.
All housemates up for eviction this week! I hope Steven goes.
LOL Helen's face at the new housemates! Her lips are TIGHT. This is all going TOO FAST. I can't keep up. Couldn't they have made tonight's show an hour and a half? They are showing the VTs, so it's lucky Pauline's not in there.
First in Zoe, a singer from Pop Idol. I don't remember her. She doesn't like lethargic people. You're lucky, Marlon's just gone. She doesn't like people having sex in the house. Well... tough?
Pav. An Asian guy from Essex. Studied psychology so thinks he's the next Dan Gheesling or something, probably.
Bianca is an exotic dancer who fancies Essex boys. She's got some teeth on her. Ooh, she 'says it to your face.' Toya times. God, she talks like Jordan. 'I will be having sex in the house!' Whether any man in there likes it or not. Ha! Love it. Danielle, spare us the fake shock.
The guy seems mildly interesting. The girls look the same. None of them seem like TRUE GAMERS. I want an evil genius in there. I really wish they'd just put some adonis in there that all the girls would drool over. It would be more interesting to see that dynamic and Steven's reaction than this bollocks.
WTF, they are letting these muppets choose who will be evicted this week? That's totally unfair. What if they evict Mark, or Chris or (insert your favourite here). Oh, I know what will happen. They'll take Helen's pass off her midweek and the new housemates will evict her. It's too risky otherwise! Big Brother wouldn't take an entirely pointless risk that would jeopardise the integrity of the show, would they? Hahaha! Of course they would.
It's almost like Big Brother don't WANT our money! Oh, we can boot one of the housemates. Either of the girls will do, then I'll be able to tell them apart. Still, who really gives a fuck about that? I wanted to evict psycho STEVE this week! Fuck you, Big Brother, you old cunt, and fuck Armageddon, too.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel whine.

Big Brother 2014: Wanked all over my face

Intense scenes of sexual intercourse! Dear God. Thanks for the warning. *Switches off show. Ends blog.*
Oh, actually, my friend has a banner in the audience so I'd best stay and try and spot it. Emma looks nice. 
Boos for Marlon, yay. And kind of for Jale. I've voted to evict Jale. COULD she go? Anything is possible. Including another massive disappointment.
Marlon: 'Do I pose a threat to people?' No.
Steven's secret mission... but what the he doesn't know if the real task is... oh, you get the picture.
Ugh, close your legs in the DR, Marlon, you're making me sick. He IS trying to do some gaming, you know. Pitiful, really.
Ah, I did see my friend in the audience! A big banner saying 'keep Ashleigh in' will help with that. Cool! 
Steven going loopy about Kimberly's picture of her ex boyfriend. I like the way Kimberly is kind of laughing at him. I want to see a picture of Kim's boyfriend, too. Actually, I saw some small ones online today and he looked like a cute indie kid. Kim looked carefree and happy in them. Ha, Kimberly saying Steven's reaction of chopping up the photos would be psycho. Steven: 'I feel like someone has wanked all over my face.' Gross. Weird analogy. 'I didn't ask for this' - ha. I can't believe Helen backed him up, that's total madness. Being able to be friends with your exes speaks well of you. Anyone 'chopping up' any photos of any sort is unhinged. I don't think Steven's ever had a girlfriend before. He behaves like a teenager. Or something worse.
Chris is safe. Christopher is safe. Jale and Ashleigh getting booed cos of the patriarchy. Sigh. Still, get Jale out.
Fuck! She cut up the photos! They are Polaroids, too. You can't replace those. He's really done a number on her. She won't forgive herself for that later. Taking advice from HELEN, a known psycho. Kimberly has got some ISSUES. I would never give up my memories for anyone. Steven is psychologically abusive.
Kimberly saying 'I can't show emotion and I'll tell you why when I get out of the house' says to me that might have been abused, so it's no wonder she's flocking to these abusive characters in the house. Very worrying.
Oh God, here comes the graphic bit.
'Love you'. 'No, you don't.' So romantic. Oh my God, the way she said 'I cut up the photos' like a little girl was really creepy. The way Steven holds what his imaginary ex girlfriend did over Kimberly's head is so unfair, too. This is making me sooooo uncomfortable.
Chris: 'I would wait a year for love.' Why wait a year? You're in there so you might as well have a snog and that.
OMG this bit with Steven and Kimberly is so creepy. 'I'll never leave you... unless it was exceptional circumstances.' This is making me feel ill. It's so unpleasant to watch. Urgh and now they're having sex! OMG he has no respect for her or he wouldn't do that in the house. I mean you can do it spooning a bit, but not like that. There's a line. And they were all sweaty! Ugh. So disgusting and I'm pretty OPEN minded. I feel like Danielle now, all indignant. Steven is doing it like he's got something to prove, he's shagging her like he HOPES her ex boyfriend is watching. The man is demented.
Ha, they crowd is chanting 'get Steven out' now. Mega. That will shit him up. OMG they're chanting over Emma reading out the eviction results. The crowd TURNED! You think it would be Kimberly as she's the woman, but no. They're onto him, thank God.
It WAS Jale evicted! I thought we'd done it, you know. There was just a feeling in the air. Bit anti-climatic after all that, lol. I can't enjoy it, I'm too traumatised!
Good on the everyone who evicted Jale though, we can do it when we stick together. Ooh, they're showing all the horrible things Helen said about Jale. Good. That's who you got into bed with. Do you get it now, as you're sitting there? They spelt out very clear for her who the villian was, there. I wonder if she will actually get it. She doesn't seem stupid.
I think Jale's explanation of why she wanted to give Helen a chance was quite fair, that she saw herself in her. Still the wrong decision, though. Emma should have dug her out a bit more about the way she treated Chris. I wonder if Helen will actually care that Jale went in the end?
'Get Steven' 'dirty people' and 'Yes Ashleigh' are now trending on Twitter, haha. Ooh, what did Marlon look like when Jale got evicted? I feel like I need a rewind on that whole part.
OMG Ashleigh moaning about being saved on the bit of live feed at the end. Be grateful FFS. You've got to laugh.
So it's confirmed, three new housemates going in on Monday. God help us. Come, Armageddon, come. I want to see skin falling off, Helen with eight eyes and the Big Brother house reduced to a nuclear wasteland.