Big Brother 2013: I wake up to this every day

Get Jemima out! She's not got one redeeming feature. Her voice alone should be a criminal offence. I voted four times, ha. Ooh the eye looks quite good in HD.
Dexter looks worn out! I'm not sure I like Emma's monochrome sack either.
Is Daley really asking Barry Styles if he'd do a magazine deal with Jemima? Ooh, Dexter is chiming in with his PR advice. Hilarious!
Jemima, you're too old for plaits. I'm too old for plaits at 33. You're definitely too old. The cowboy hat is not helping, either.
Dexter is telling Dan and Hazel that he dressed up for men in stockings on a webcam! What is wrong with this man? Dan: 'did you have a wank?' Dexter says, he's not bisexual, 'he's not arsed'.
Any straight man who says if 'Ryan Gosling walked in' isn't straight! I agree with what mystery twin said, 'do men make you turned on'? Dexter is 'fairly straight.' I love it! I want to see Dexter in his stockings. Notice Daley went 'urgh'! Homophobe!
Not another 'save me' speech. Aw, Dexter's speech was quite touching. I think he's quite lovely. He's silly, but lovely.
The mum and daughter are wearing matching peach. Coordinated!
Note to producers: Don't make Sophie read from cards again. Hide and seek! I've never seen inside the store room before. The store room takes centre stage in BBUS! Why is there no food in the store room? 500 bananas would liven things up.
Whenever those twins are funny, it's unintentional. See all the dirty pants hanging by the vegetable patch?! Yuck. That task was way lame. Is that the best they can do on a Friday night? Doesn't matter how much dramatic music you put on hide and seek, it's still hide and seek.
Jemima is wearing a chefs top and knee high socks! What is she thinking? Big Brother should really have done humanity a favour and shredded her suitcase. Her clothes are disgusting.
Hazel's business is selling photos of herself. Must be so fulfilling! 
Look at the the way Dexter sits in that chair; like a praying mantis.
Ooh, fat gate! It IS kind of annoying when skinny people say they're fat, but Charlie just means it relative to herself. It does feel insulting when skinny people say it, but they don't mean it rudely, I think.
Wolfy busted out the 'I'm not being funny!' It's your fault if you're fat, Wolfy, and I thought she was doing it for the big girls?
Look at Wolfy's sexy boxer shorts! Don't tell people what to say. And put that belly away. You DID THAT TO YOURSELF. I'm fat too, I would NEVER act self pityingly about it. She shoved the food in my mouth. It's not like she woke up one morning fat, it's a gradual process. Don't have a go at other people. I really hope Wolfy goes next week. I'd love to see her face.
Gina's got an eating disorder and she would never tell anyone about it. Except then.
I quite like the way Dexter dresses in his little suits with his handkerchiefs. 
Wolfy: camo and tartan do not go together. Wolfy; YOU'RE the one who's insecure! Wolfy is desperately looking for a reason to nominate Charlie. It's a JOKE that she's saying she's not insecure. Do people have to run options before this bitch before they can even speak? FUCK OFF! I wish everyone would just stop humouring Wolfy. She needs telling.
Where's Dan, he should be sorting this situation out! Enter stage left. Aw, Dan's not centre of attention, he's mad. His arms are flapping about.
I HATE people who can't accept accept an apology either, that's like making someone sweat overnight. I hate Wolfy!
Sam's having a good old root up his nose! Groo.
Dexter is telling his only friend in the house that he's 'a bit contrived'. I think Dexter is trying to be honest, but he's just socially a mess. But it's true that Dan DOES think that about Callum!
What's up with Daley? What is this thing he wants to say? Fucking say it already! Why did he grab Hazel's head like that? What's going on? We need some production inside Daley's head.
LOL Jemima's doing a desperate last minute shag attempt! Winky says no. Jackie does not look impressed.
Callum's gameplan has been revealed! It's true, you can't be that nice, it's not possible. 'Relationship-based bridges. Is there a way I can leave tomorrow! I've got a a business brain.' That's the most interesting thing he's ever said! Ha, that was Dexterish in it's ridiculousness. Callum IS not what he says in the tin. I want to know who he really is.
Why are Hazel and Charlie pretending to like each other? We know they don't. United against a common enemy; ugly people.
It's GOT TO BE Jemima. Your fate is sealed. Get to fuck. Aw, Dexter is proper blubbing. Too cute. Jemima's eviction dress is actually reasonably nice for her. That blinking picture of her is too creepy.
Jemima - still deluded: 'most of the housemates thought I was going to stay tonight.' That's what they said to you. Leave Dexter alone! Off, off, off! Ha. Emma should tell the crowd to STFU.
Jemima: 'Gina was least enjoying it the most.' That's almost English.
Emma telling Jemima that Gina is loved by the public, ha. Dan vs Jemima: he must be smiling tonight.
Jemima wasn't able to show her 'funny, witty, entertaining' side. Ha!
I thought Emma was quite cold with Jemima! She was annoying but she didn't deserve that much stink eye.
Thank God, we'll never have to see Jemima and Sam consummate their relationship. All hail King Dexter! 
Ooh, has Emma got red shorts on? Kinky! Podcast in a bit. Night!

Big Brother 2013: This whole place is a pile of wank

Hello, Big Brother family. Here we are, clinging on for dear life whilst everyone around us wonders why we're still bothering. But they don't know what we know. We will take any old shit they throw at us and we will enjoy it!
Dexter's bedhead - mmm mmm! My boyfriend is asking me who I'd sleep with out of this and that housemate. The answer is pretty much Dexter against everyone. He hates this task.
Callum is 'drawn to Charlie'. He's combing her hair! Is that a friend thing or a romantic thing? Neither, really.
Twin(s) moaning about food! Well, I never. Who cast these dullards in the house? They have NOTHING about them! Argggghhhhhh!
Wolfy's lesbianism called into question by Detective Dan! Get your story straight, Wolfy! Talking to insects: fine. Underage sex: hell, no. Dan is an idiot; girls do go out and have sex at 14! Plenty of places serve drinks to younger girls all over the country. Dan is barking up the wrong tree here. Just because HE wasn't shagging around at 14, a lot of people ARE. He didn't even come out until he was x age, did he? See, Gina got served at 14! I think Dan is just bored and looking for something to do and it's just in his nature to pick at things endlessly.
It aint all bad in quarantine, they've got Loreal products.
Hair shaving! Always a winner. This is cruel. Why are they torturing the contestants this year?! I mean, I'm all for it in a way, but can't it be ones of my choosing?!
At least we'll be able to tell the twins apart now! One's got a shaved head and his bum crack out. The other is fatter. LOL, at last we're seeing some teeth from Jack! That was the first time the twins interested me; when I could see them as two individuals.
Ha, Jackie's bottled it! Who can blame her? I feel like she's going to walk at this rate. I hope they let the others out soon, it would be funny after the head shaving nonsense!
Big Brother is making an old lady cry. Nice.
Jemima couldn't have her head shaved 'in her business.' What business is that?
Callum is wearing some grotesque shorts that look like something my brother would have worn in the 90s.
My boyfriend is moaning that the task is going on too long. They do always milk them a bit too much. It's because they've spent on the props and they want to get their money's worth.
Get the meat! The twins need their meat sweats. They look like they're going dead slow on this task. 'Don't you dare drop the ice cream.' How come Dan gets to pick what food they get? It'll be all donuts and bacon.
Gina - the lager lout! They're singling her out; it could be a racist incident. Lager, lager, lager! I like it when Gina acts like a spoilt princess. 'You can piss off'. I like Big Brother telling her to sit back down!
Ha, Gina is calling for her lawyer. Better call Saul. It's like the Playboy twins or Heidi and Spencer are back in the house! I like it when people act like prima donnas and throw their weight around. 
Gina, don't tell them you're not going to get the shopping because of you. The twins are going to stick you in that jail yourself. The first interesting thing Daley has said is his suggestion to 'round Gina up like a sheep.'
God, is it not bad enough Gina has to go to jail but she has to wear Wolfy's poncho, too? I bet it stinks! Gina: 'I don't need to eat.' Ha.
Oh, Dexter, stop crawling to BB, it doesn't suit you.
I'm glad Gina is safe. She looked so shocked when she was saved. Dexter and Jemima looked sick!
I wish Jemima would piss off. Hopefully she will tomorrow. The sound of her voice is like nails down 5,000 blackboards.
Gina's got Callum's seal of approval: 'you're a good person.' Thanks for that! She was funny in the Diary Room. She has got a real soft side. Gina's team Dexter, too! Give sleaze a chance: save Dexter. Send Jemima and her knee high socks packing.

Big Brother 2013: Zombie nation

So they've axed live feed! Thanks for your crumb. What arseholes. They never planned to keep it going in the first place, they just wanted to blame us for it not existing anymore. Well perhaps if you'd promoted it and put it on a decent channel, people will have watched it, you mutants.
ZOMBIES. Dead set. I hope Charlie Brooker is getting a payoff. The zombies look quite good but there's only about three of them. Ah, my boyfriend said it's cos The Walking Dead is on soon. Tie in!
'There's zombies in the house.' Insert joke here.
AJ is doing the link! Has Emma been eaten? This is quite a good task. They should do Rylan up like a zombie. He'd be able to eat people effectively with those teeth.
Only six gas masks? Have they ever heard of ladies first? That's the only time when I'd gladly welcome sexism: on the Titanic.
How did Gina not get a gas mask? Why is everyone on the block in the bad area? Sophie: 'Are we just going to be sitting here all day?' What else did you have planned?
My boyfriend is moaning that there's no point to this task and that it's all filler. Isn't it just to humiliate the women and take their make up off them? I feel sorry for Gina without her warrior paint on. OMG, she's doing the task! They are trying to keep her in, aren't they? Gina's face was a picture! I'd have just said NO. I reckon it's not what they said in the blender. It's probably just something else.
She's a good sport! I wouldn't have done that. This is horrible, they are TORTURING HER! I think Gina knows this will keep her in the house. She wouldn't do it if she wasn't up for noms. 'Think of it as Galaxy Cookie Crumble.'
I can't BELIEVE she's doing it. I'm very impressed with her. Maybe Gina was worth keeping in after all? Maybe she'll become a different person? Maybe she'll have a JOURNEY™?.
Gina is reapplying her warpaint. Charlie and Callum are enjoying time without her mother. Barely a peep out of Dan and Dexter tonight!
I hate those idiot twins; they've not give a hundredth of the entertainment of Dexter, and there's two of them. I keep hearing they're funny; they've not made me crack a smile once.
Ha, next they will torture Dan. Callum is pulling an 'I'm only following orders' face. Hazel looks quite pleased at the prospect of frightening Dan.
It's actually hilarious watching Dan get tortured. Hazel did some good acting there. Callum is actressing well, too. That was brilliant! I love to hate Dan, but he's a great character. I don't want him out.
Dan is wearing some ridiculous pedal pushers and a gross cardigan. He looked better in the bin bag.
OMG I was just complaining about Dan's stupid hair and my boyfriend said he thinks it looks alright! WTF? It does NOT look alright. It looks RIDICULOUS.
God, do those twins ever stop going on about meat?! I'd kick those twins, Sophie and Daley out in a heartbeat.
I wish Wolfy was infected. Talking to the animals and wants to eat meat? What a fucking hypocrite. I wish someone would call her out on that.
They shouldn't make an old lady crawl through a tube. It doesn't seem right. I hope there's some some ventilation in that biohazard smoking cube. Jackie can't hack it! She'd be shit in a zombie apocalypse. I think she's having a crack up.
Ooh are Charlie and Callum going to get it on now mum's out of the way? Quick, get the towels ready.
I've (tried to) sleep under foil before, on a crate at a festival when someone stole my tent. It was shit. Jackie's got a bad back, so they shouldn't really do that to her.
Ooh, they're crossing to the house to save someone! I haven't voted yet. Ooh, there's Emma Willis. She did survive the zombie apocalypse after all.
SAVE DEXTER. I want to see Dan's face. Wow, Gina was saved! Cool, Dexter should be safe against Jemima for sure.
Oh God, they're making them do save me speeches. Oh, even better, it's why the public should evict the other person over you. Ooh he didn't bag her! He just did a speech about himself. It's all about Dexter, baby. But that was a classy speech.
Jemima went for 'you haven't seen the best of me yet' speech! And she was nasty to Dexter. Bitch. I'm going to ring up to evict her right now. Look at the way everyone just ignored Dexter after, except Jackie. I hate them!
Aw, at least Gina said 'I hope you don't go' to him. I don't think it's that Dexter creeps, he's just socially awkward. The others are just cunts. Yes, I said THE C WORD. If you don't like it, go write to Points of View. The end.

Big Brother 2013: I'm sure the public are going to love me

Looks like Gina and Dexter are back on form tonight, which is a relief after a few days of them fitting in and making friends. Boring!
Jack and Joe shower times: SEXY! Oh, STFU Wolfy. I hear that bee said you're a cunt. How about that?
Has Dexter been swapped for an evil twin? How would we tell?
Idiot twin having a go at Dexter; be quiet. That sounded like a threat to me! Dipshit. I like Dexter's glasses and his hair today. He's just changed his hair and now they think he's fucking Clark Kent or something. No wonder Superman got away with it for all these years if people are that unobservant.
I feel like Sam needs a friend his own age in there; like his own mental age.
I HATE Hazel now. I hate her platonic cuddlemance with Dan. I hate her lording it over everyone in the house. I just think she's a cow. That's it. Her and Dan are on my shitlist.
Ha, I like the fact Dexter is playing up to this twin bullshit. At least he's getting some attention, hey? I heart Dexter so much. I hope Jemima goes this week.
I have that matt and messy Loreal spray, product placement fans, and it not only doesn't work, it smells horrible. Stick that on your Weetabix.
Ha, Dan is getting a haircut even stupider than his current haircut. Quite a feat.
Aw, Callum is showing his sensitive side. He fancies Charlie! Well, I never. He thinks she's out of his league. I don't think so, I think they're quite well matched. His leg is going like the clappers.
Oh dear, Hazel's boyfriend took his own life. Grim. Uh oh, Charlie, that was WAY out of line asking his Hazel's boyfriend killed himself because of her. She can be pretty blunt at times. She should have said sorry immediately after that.
I hate the camera angles in that tree house! I know it's meant to be awkward for them, but it makes it awkward to watch for us, too.
I hate to say it, but Hazel is really going to milk this. Eek, even Charlie's apology seemed insincere. I wonder if it's drugs that make you sometimes very blunt - like your brain somehow isn't wired up right, because Hazel is right, it doesn't seem like something Charlie would say.
Noms! Gina: 'Oh, her.' about Jemima. Dismissed! How does Dexter know it's vote to evict?
Gina's gonna go Hulk style! 'You don't pay my bills. I don't owe you anything.' Who's going to explain to her that's not how friendship works? Friendship isn't currency, no matter what Beyonce tells you. Aw, Gina thought she'd been accepted and hadn't. Haha, she'd 'pretended to try and like them.' She's done her best! This is proper good diary room sulk. 'They're just all cocksuckers.' Enough said.
I don't think I've ever heard more famous last words than 'I'm sure the public out there are going to love me.' Not with those sartorial choices, Jemima.
I like the idea of Gina and Dexter teaming up in an alliance. The rich crowd! Sometimes Gina seems quite sweet and innocent; you get glimpses of it on occasion when she smiles.
Dexter: 'show yourself!' The new 'know yourself!' Move over, Ashleeeeeen. Dexter has promised to 'tear some people open.' I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh Hazel. Shut up. It's a terrible tragedy, but don't go on. Ooooh, Jemima is having a go at Charlie to Jackie! A smack in the mouth could be coming your way, Jemima. Oh shut up, Jemima, I can't stand people who go 'you don't know what I've been through.' No, I don't know, and I don't care. Fuck off. It's not a hardship competition. Everyone's been through shit. It's not about you this time.
OMG - Jemima 'my daughter died in front of me.... and I had to resuscitate her.' So she didn't die then! Get this bitch out, that is completely out of order. Why is Jemima being so cold-hearted? I hate her now. She's being a proper cunt. A mother can't protect her daughter? WTF? This is soooo awkward. Ahh, Dan is calming the situation down. That's a relief. Oink!
Gina is rapping in the kitchen. Keep her in! Sophie's probably 'cushty' because she's flying so far under the radar she's virtually doing the limbo. Yap, yap, yap. Shut it.
Dexter has realised no one likes him in the house. It's OK, cos I think he's quite well liked outside. I agree that finding two friends out of ten is a good deal. Those ten people are dicks. 'I've come in here to 'de-arsehole myself'. Brilliant. He's soundbite heaven.
Charlie, don't apologise for your mum sticking up for you. Your mum sticking up for you is one of the greatest things you can have in life.
Jemima is looking for a row. I wish she would just shut up and leave. Quickly. Doesn't she know you're meant to keep your mouth shut if you're up for nomination? Dan is seething. Jemima is 'me, me, me, me.' Trouble is, no one is interested in her.
'AS A MOTHER!' The worst crime in history. Dan is actually right here, but I think he just fancies an argument, too. He's right though, Jemima was out of order to Jackie.
Jemima is dressed like a bellydancer. Ha, Dan is correct, 'you said your daughter died and she didn't die.'  And I like his jumper.
YOU WEREN'T THERE, DAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE! She DID put it too dramatically. He's spot on. Jemima, yes you did over-exaggerate. Dan is saying EVERYTHING I would say if I was in that house. I'm glad he lost his temper with her. Could Dan be getting back into my good books!? Ooh, and he even made a reference to fencesitters! I like it when I flip flop on a housemate. It makes it more interesting. Normally I just flop them out of favour and that's it. But I think I could be back and forth with Dan. Interesting!

Big Brother 2013: Nominations - first blood

Everyone's looking like a painting on HD tonight. Or is that just the opening credits being arty? It looks like everyone's been in Vincent Van Gogh's photo booth!
Nominations! Ooh, they're bringing out the wub wubs. This means business. It's so OBVIOUS Dexter's going to be up, and he's probably going to go. Waa!
I've got something to teach you, Wolfy, physical violence. Hazel's duck mouth is starting to get on my nerves, and it's directly proportionate to her being a bitch. She's quite subtle with it, but she's definitely a bitch. I prefer my bitches more forthright.
Nominations! Vote smart, Dexter. Look at the way he's sitting, like a tiny overlord. Dan - yes. The twins?! A completely pointless vote. Sadly we're stuck with them for weeks yet.
Ooh, Dan voted for Dexter and Wolfy. I'd love to see Wolfy up, because she'll sulk like hell.
Hazel is so rude to Dexter. She treats him like something on the bottom of her shoe.
Wolfy nominated Dexter and Jemima. Hazel nominated Gina and Dexter. Apparently Dexter, like Coleen Nolan, goes from group to group mixing. Votes quite split so far. Except all the ones for Dexter, of course.
Wolfy: 'I spoke to a bee earlier. It told me to expect the unexpected.' Gina: 'Really?'
Daley nominated Gina because she didn't like his own brand clothes. He also nominated Jemima. No Dexter? Yay. Interesting to see what he's thinking, at last.
Callum nominated Jemima and Gina as well. I think Callum could win it at this point. He's just a lovely guy. Yes, a little on the dull side. But a really nice guy.
I've noticed that Dan's often got this look on his face like that dick from The Wanted, like he's got a bad smell under his nose. Maybe it's the fake tan.
Boo, Sophie's nominating Dexter. A pointless housemate nominating an interesting housemate. And Gina. Looks like Gina will be up, too.
Oh no, Sam's nominating Dexter, too. And Gina. I don't mind Sam so much, lately. I think he's just naive and a bit out of his depth.
Gina: 'potatoes are filthy.' They grow in the ground, FFS. Slap some make up on it, it'll be fine.
Charlie nominated Jemima for being an old perv and Dexter - aw. My boyfriend thinks Dexter might have the Freddie factor. I think he might have an uphill struggle on his hands.
Twins nominated Dexter and Gina. Gina got a lot more votes than I thought she would. I think the others see her as quite superior. I must confess, I know fuck all about her.
Jemima nommed Dexter and Gina, too. I thought Jemima would get more votes, to be honest.
Jackie nominated Gina and Dexter. There's a pattern here.
Gina nominated Jeramiah (sorry, Jemima) and Dexter. Oh, they're putting the top three up for the public vote. I prefer than to just two actually. Can Dexter survive, though? It looks unlikely.
Big Brother jail. Throw away the key. Gina saying she feels sorry for Dexter, and then Wolfy going 'that's how he worms his way in.' How nasty! Gina, don't worry about nominating Dexter, he would have been up ten times over, anyway. I hope Jemima goes over Gina this week.
I think Hazel has got the hots for Dan a bit, I heard her on the live feed calling Dan her 'house boyfriend' and they're all over each other. I wouldn't be happy about it if I was her significant other.
OMG Dan is having a go at Callum! What a cunt. You really can't say anything bad about Callum. I think this is because Callum stuck up for Dexter - he DIDN'T sit on the fence, contrary to what Dan said. It was impossible to judge the proximity of Callum to Dan there, but I wish he had heard. Dan is such a scrotum, he really is. You can't win with this dude; too nice, too this, too that.
That's cruel they told them the number of nominations. Quite unfair on Dexter. I quite like his Clark Kent look. Gina looked a bit upset, too. Also, it's obvious who didn't vote for Dexter when they say he got ten noms. Haha, that was a proper good silence. I like a bit of silence in the BB house, it's so rare. Weird ending, though.

Big Brother 2013: Big Brother's little brain

Wow, Dan actually looks much more attractive with wet hair, ie. without it all brushed up like a hedgehog. Underneath all the smarm and ego, I think there's a nice, attractive man waiting to get out. Unfortunately, I think we're going to be kept waiting. Is Dan 33? He looks older. I'm 33! I must be old, too.
Anyone else tired of all these suspicions? It makes for quite a boring show, in my opinion. He's a mole, she's a mole, everyone's a mole, mole. Can we talk about something else?! It would do my head in if everyone in the house was going on like that. It's doing my head in just watching it.
I think I prefer Sophie when she doesn't speak. Where do they find these boring people? Just thinking about my circle of friends, I can think of about ten of them who would make better housemates.
Jemima's in the kitchen stirring her cauldron - sorry, saucepan.
I like Callum and Charlie! I could see them having an old school style Big Brother romance. I hope one isn't keener than the other, that's always sad. 
This memory task is like a BBUS task. What, it's all just red herrings? Boring! Oh it's really a task telling them what others have said about them. Not another shitstirring task! BB really has got it's wooden spoon out this year.
Why is everyone slagging Dexter? Leave him alone! Come on, Dexter hasn't got a girlfriend. Ha, does anyone believe Dexter was a strip club manager?! I doubt if Dexter can manage his own laundry basket. He's still 10 times more entertaining than anyone in that house, though.
Being a socialite is not a job! That's just going to parties. How has Gina got 125,000 followers on Twitter? Did she pay for them?
Dexter, stop being creepy to Hazel. She's not interested. Daley, you don't lead from the back, you're just a bit unusual.
Brain task. No expense spared on the costumes here: swimming caps with brains stuck on top. Must have cost all of £9.99.
Why is Dexter wearing make up?! I'm glad Wolfy got called out on her shitstirring about Dexter. Ha, Dexter looks pissy. I'm glad Wolfy is getting a bit of stick, too. I'm fed up with everyone kissing her butt.
More hate for Dexter! This is kind of cruel. A snake?! Sssssssss. I hate this ganging up. Dexter's hiding under a blankie. I wonder if anyone will go see if he's alright? Probably not.
Dan mentioning 'floaters'! Grab a lifevest, etc. I think Hazel was trying not to laugh in Dexter's face when he said they enjoyed 'a bit of a flirt'.
Dan got off lightly with the Wolfy/mole thing. It was him that said that first! Dan: 'people are scared to say.' Why don't you go say it to Wolfy's face, big man? I notice Jackie isn't saying it outright to him, either.
LOL to Sam telling Jackie he fancies Charlie. What an idiot.
Jemima: knee high socks. Really? Weren't you commenting on others clothes recently? Is Dexter coming onto her now? Ew, Dexter is saying he's a freak in bed and Jemima IS laughing in his face. I think everyone in that house is going to nominate him and it's a shame!
I hate Hazel and Dan bitching, they really think their shit doesn't stink. Charlie is so inoffensive; really unnecessary to say anything bad about her.
Wolfy, why would people think you're a freak? Is it TALKING TO INSECTS? You're an IDIOT. 'I'm crazy, me!' No, you're not. You're a cliche. I think Dexter is doing a bit of vote grabbing/ damage limitation here. Wolfy, Dexter is upset because of something YOU said. You're upset about something someone else said. Get over yourself. 
Oh God, I hate almost everyone in the house, and the people I don't hate are boring. Who can I get behind? Dexter aint gonna last two weeks. Bugger.

Big Brother 2013: Mole-anoia

So, are the secrets and lies done? Is that really it? I'm thrilled to see the back of Michael and people going 'Sallie didn't get it' aren't getting it, in my opinion. Sallie got it from Day 1, and although Michael's decisions weren't his own, they still affected her game and hurt people. Anyway; she's a loss, and watching live feed, I'm anxious that everyone's getting on too well. Let's hope some more secrets and lies are en route.
So for the first time I'm watching Big Brother in HD because the Sky man came and wiggled my HDMI cable. Now I can see Hazel's boobs, Gina's three foot of foundation and Dan's bog brush hair with crystal clear clarity. My eyes!
I'm so OVER Wolfy's Dr Doolittle act but I'm more over people agreeing with her that a wasp, or spider talked to her. Are you INSANE? Wolfy, sorry to interrupt you behaving like someone who's BARKING MAD. I have a feeling I'm going to get sick of Wolfy pretty quickly, and it's obvious she's going to be in until the end, especially with all this 'doing it for the girls' BS.
I could never say 'no' to someone who was trying to make up with me, I struggle to hold a grudge for more than five minutes. Wolfy is not showing her best side here, and I'm not talking about her looks.
Misery Twin describing the preamble to being on Big Brother as 'aggro'. Well, don't let us keep you, Humpty.
Is Sam singing Linkin Park?
Sallie to Michael: 'you're either an alright actor or a really nasty person.' I think he's both, actually. Even this bickering seems contrived.
HD just seems to make the housemates look a bit grainy! Aw, Sallie's got her sideboob out again. RIP sideboob. I'm still pissy that she's gone. Gina better prove herself to be a decent housemate. I also think it's a testament to Sallie that most of her housemates seemed to genuinely like her and were sorry to see her go. But still, Wolfy, get a grip. You've only known her a week. Wolfy is really on my shitlist right now. I don't think she can really step into Sallie's drama queen shoes. LOL to Gina smirking at Wolfy's pathetic theatrics. I think I'd be smirking, too. Oh, STFU Wolfy.
Interesting to look at the reactions to Michael the mole again. Dan: as expected. Some looked sad. Some looked impressed. Callum, Charlie and the twins were classy about it. I love Gina's awkward comforting of Wolfy! Hilarious. Wolfy, it's not all about you. Say goodbye or something.
Dan's counselling service is great; he'll follow you into the toilet for some wise words whether you like it or not. I'm not sure if that's a cop thing or a gay thing; George Michael's video has confused me.
I really wanted to see Sallie's clothes, and now they give them their suitcases back when she's gone! Oh well, Dexter better have some ridiculous clothes I can laugh at. 
Dan: 'I knew this, that and the other.' How did you know all those things, Dan? Was it because a spider told you? Ha, Dan thinks Wolfy's an actor, too. She's going to get upset!
If Sophie and Daley got snatched from their beds tonight, would you even notice? You can't even call them floaters; they're like fucking anchors.
Ha, Jackie and Callum think Dan is a mole too! Mole-anoia. Dexter is my favourite person in the house by a mile, which is the absolute kiss of death for him.
Yes Dan, why did you give up your illustrious career to go in the BB house? He's no Rav Wilding.
What the fuck IS this rap Jackie is singing? Is this a thing? Why isn't Charlie dying of embarrassment? If that was my mum, I'd stand up and physically restrain her. My mum doesn't tend to rap when she has a drink though, she just gets surly.
The only things I've seen Daley do in that house are fart, eat some soup and cry, moan that he wants to go home, and then rub cream on his bum. He's hardly the new Nasty Nick, is he? What sort of strategy is this? What sort of man uses body lotion, anyway? Even I can't be bothered.
Dan's doing some damage control with Jemima; I think his spidey senses are reminding him that nominations are coming up. Jemima's no fool though; she'll see right through him. 
Gina's beach ball boobs are really beyond a joke. So, she wants to go anyway!
Bullshit alert: Dexter's mouth is moving. Oh, dear, he's admitting he slept with prostitutes. I thought he WAS  a prostitute? This guy can't even get his own story straight. Oh dear, he dropped the 'bird' bomb. Dexter and Daley are both insecure bags of slop (to quote Dan Savage).
Ha, Dan is doing damage control with Dexter, too. Why is Gina jiggling up and down? Ha, oh God, Dexter describing himself as 'deep'. Never a good sign.
Haha, Dexter 'is a little bit metrosexual'. Ah, it all becomes clear! Is that what we're calling bi these days? 'If I was gay I'd go for someone like Dan.' Ha! That's not something straight people even think. OK, I'm beginning to get it now. Dexter is hiding a lot more than just insecurities. Aw, that was too cute when Dan ruffled his hair. That might have just saved Dexter from being nominated by Dan this week, as I think Dan might rather like the idea of someone fancying him in there.
Gina and Wolfy: the most unlikely friends in history. Do you think they'd let Wolfy in the Savoy?
One of the twins looks skinnier than the other now. Must be the Weetabix diet. Ah, it must be the gay one as he knew about theatre (that's me on a formal warning from Big Brother). OK, I find them instantly more interesting now I can tell them apart. Still, not that interesting.
That's it! Noms tomorrow. 

Big Brother 2013: That moth told me about that twist

Why, hello! I have moved house. It's been a fucking nightmare and I have one cat hiding behind the sofa, but apart from that we're sitting pretty. Big Brother has been great! I have even changed my mind about someone already (Dan). I like changing my mind about things! I have half changed my mind about wanting Gina to go, too. I like Sallie but she really is one note, yap, yap, yap, mouse, cheese, snake. Gina seems to have a sweet side under the mask. But I'm fairly sure she's going to go. It's a shame to lose either. 
I'm thrilled Michael is going tonight; he got found out TIME ago. The people's pillock. The people's prick. 
Emma looks SO skinny at the moment! Her shoulders are so narrow. She looks like a little boy in that suit.  I hope she's OK.
LOL to the sign saying 'hey doc you couch potato' - amazing! His podcast is getting proper famous - good on him. Listen to the Couch Potatoes radio podcast if you're a BB fan, it's fab.
I like Callum now! He is boring, but I don't mind. I think he's a decent bloke - he would be good to have in your corner. He doesn't just blindly agree with a group, and I think he secretly hates Dan, which is a bonus.Oh, Dan, I really liked you. But you're such a smarm bucket! And that hair is unforgivable. We're though. 
£80 a night for the Savoy... this isn't helping Gina. I don't really like Hazel, I find her quite stuck up. Her and Dan are always slagging off Sallie behind her back.
WEETABIX advertising. Some casual product placement here. Weetabix is absolutely disgusting. It tastes like cardboard.
Why has Dan got pedal pushers on? Is he a middle aged man? Aw, Dexter walked in the room and EVERYONE left. Boo.
Why are Gina and Sallie wearing the same outfit? Another shit stirring task! Who's ugliest/ prettiest etc? It's the oldest trick in the Big Brother book. That's hilarious that Michael had to choose Dan as sexiest (the public really voted)! Aw, Wolfy, least attractive. I'd say the mum myself. I'd be proud to be voted 'most annoying'.
Jemima is sooooo Vinnie Jones. She's trying to RULE the kitchen. She will be up soon.
Wolfy has been named ugliest and smelliest. Ha. That's what happens when you've got a dreadlock. Don't worry, Wolfy, it's not what Michael thinks, it's just what the whole of the nation thinks. Michael's going to have to be removed for his own safety at this rate. Never mind, Wolfy, at least you're the most unique, right?
Michael is LAUGHING again about making people cry! What a lovely person! What a great guy! KNOB.
Oh Wolfy, save the speeches for the final. Imagine if Wolfy won and then became super slim like Josie? Would she be doing it for the overweight girls then? The girl we vote to win is never the same girl a year later.
Dan vs Jemima! Ding ding. See how he's hovering over her; threatening! Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly like Jemima but I swear Dan thinks he owns the place. He's going to be insufferable when he finds out he was right about Michael. Him and Sallie are both of the 'say it to your face' ie. 'I can be as rude as I fucking like' school of thought. Sometimes it's better to NOT say things to people's face. Sometimes it's better to just shut your fucking mouth. I tell you the problem with Dan: he can't see his own flaws.
'Who goes - it's up to you'. Not as catchy as 'you decide', is it?
That party looks LAME! I've had better office parties.
Does that Sophie ever speak? You have to work hard to be that dull. LOL to Charlie calling Gina an escort! Hahahaha - foot in it! I don't think she meant it maliciously. I like Charlie, actually.
Dan, put some clothes on FFS. I'm sick of seeing you in you in your pants.
Michael has had the BEST day making a young woman cry. What a hero. I can't wait for him to leave either.
'Your fate is sealed.' Strong words. OMG they did evict Sallie! I'm shocked. I wasn't expecting that. This is rubbish, they should have kicked Michael out first, Sallie would have enjoyed that moment - not fair she got denied that moment. Sallie, I'll miss you peeking over your shoulder coquettishly. I would have preferred Gina to go. But I didn't vote so it's partly my fault. I'm sad she's gone when there's so many boring people in that house. I feel a bit deflated. Did she ever even get her suitcase? Can she have it back now?
Shut up, booing idiotic crowd. LOL to Sallie shouting, 'Shut the fuck up!' at the crowd. 'You've been waiting since four to get in here, get a grip.' Brilliant, about time someone gave it back to that crowd. I would have told them that, too. So obvious that someone like her would go out first, a mouthy woman. No one can take it.
At least Dan will have a chunk out of him, losing his sidekick. I'd love to see him up next week. Sallie going 'shut the fuck up' to Emma Willis. Haha. Some people just talk like that. No offense is intended.
Michael times. Acting! DAN IS GLOATING! Did Wolfy just say 'my mum told me about that twist'? WTF? On reflection after rewinding, she said. 'that moth told me about that twist.' Now that makes a LOT more sense. The Mothman Prophecies! Speechless.
You can stop acting now, Michael. Nervous drink! Wolfy's got Sallie's earrings on. Aw, that was sad that Wolfy never said goodbye to him. I think I would be hurt by him. Even though he's an actor, I'd still feel lied to, especially if I considered him a friend.
Micheal should be getting boos! Set Sallie on him. Stop gnawing Emma's wrist. LOL they're sitting him next to Sallie. Brilliant! 'I don't think it's Hollywood for you, babe, more like Towie.' Line of the season, after the moths.
Michael's body language! I want Sallie to lamp him! Michael's twitching. I love it, Michael wasn't expecting Sallie to be sitting in on his interview. He's an actor - Sallie: 'not a very good one.' This is the funniest eviction interview ever.
Are there more secrets and lies than just Michael FFS? We need more than just this, surely? So what if Dan's a detective, Sallie sussed this prick FIRST! Sallie is a legend. This has sealed her place in the annals of BB history. Michael saying he didn't care about shredding Wolfy's prom dress - cruel!
Sallie: 'Is it vote to evict? Well no wonder I went then.' HA! I love her swearing, it's real.  She's a normal person.
Michael: 'Wolfy is a lovely girl.' Sallie: 'She doesn't like you. I don't think she ever will.' Ha!  I thought Emma was being a bit stuck up towards Sallie. Sallie is a good character. She's naturally funny and she's a loss as a housemate. Michael: not so much. Best eviction interview(s) ever? I think so. Next week the battle lines will be drawn. I think there could be a few up. Just ask the moth.

Big Brother 2013: I'd rather starve than eat your cooking

Hey! Oh the live feed Dexter was wearing a pork pie hat and describing himself as a 'PUA' (pick up artist). I think at least a few of them got their clothes back. Phew. I really thought they'd been shredded. Not. (Yes, i said not.)
Power animals. Talking to the birds. Shut up. I've warmed to Wolfy a bit though. She's nowhere NEAR as bad as Becky. I don't like Sophie. She's too much like Josie and she's not a strong enough character. I'll be open-minded, but at the moment I'm blah on her.
I thought Gina had turned over a new leaf when I saw her proudly washing up glasses, until I realised it was one glass, for herself. You go, girl! This girl is a piece of work. I honestly can't stand her. Another person I can't stand: Michael. Smug, remote, not real. I hate his ears as well. I hate his looks to camera. You're not Harry Hill. You're not even Alex Sibley.
I like Dan! He really reminds me of someone but I don't know who. He's sharp as well, you can tell he's a detective, because he's well onto Michael. I think he could easily win it. People should listen to Dan. He's not a detective for nothing.
Oh, I thought they were showing the nominations earlier, but it's just Michael slagging the others off. The housemates aren't stupid: actually. In fact, I actually like the housemates this year. I like watching them!
As if Michael would sit in the DR and slag EVERYONE off. It's bullshit. No one would do that, like go through every person in the house (well, except Topaz in BB Canada). Also, Michael can't act. 'An Oscar winning actor'. Please!
I think the Gina/ Jemima argument was a bit stupid; Jemima was just stating her preference. She wasn't being racist, in my opinion. Insensitive, maybe. I actually kind of like Jemima. I do think Gina was shit-stirring a bit. I think she saw an opportunity and took it. 'I feel like I've just experienced racism.' What has Jemima saying that got to do with you?
'You probably wouldn't go for a white guy' is a stupid thing for Jemima to say, though. Gina is SPOILING for a fight. I'd be furious if someone called me a racist.
Gina, if you're fighting with everyone, the problem is you, not everyone else. 'I'd rather starve than eat your cooking, it looks rubbish' was quite a funny line, though.
Everyone's faces when the two of them were going at it was funny. Fence sitters, look in the other direction!
Gina: 'is that a threat?' She's the sort of person who winds someone up and just watches them go.
Are they SERIOUSLY giving Jemima a warning for STATING HER SEXUAL PREFERENCE? You gotta be kidding me. 'Big Brother does not tolerate your opinion about who you want to sleep with. Sleep with EVERYONE. Be all inclusive.' Honestly. That is SOME JOKE. Conor is sitting somewhere, epilating his legs and cackling.
Uh oh, the mum can't keep a secret! PUNISH HER.
Live nominations time! ACTING! Why is three nominations, not two? Three is better, though.
Michael has nommed Gina, Dexter and Sallie, predictably. The three biggest characters in the house. LOL to Sallie calling him a dickhead.
Did Michael just tell Sallie to fuck off? Ha. Oh God, he's trying to squeeze a tear out, but he can't do it, just like Obama after Sandy Hook. Just dab your eyes a bit, it worked for him.
I really don't want Dexter and Sallie to go! I'd LOVE to see the back of the odious Gina. I knew the public couldn't be trusted with that decision. The public cannot be trusted with any vote!
Sallie is not helping herself by kicking off. Oh they actually mentioned the live feed at the end! Well done idiots! People might actually watch it now! No one even knows it's fucking on.
A word to the sponsors: I want the chairs that are in the BB house! I looked on Very and you can buy all the cushions and all this other shit, but not the couches! Boo. I think it's cos they're designer and not from Very.
Ooh, btw, I will be blogging and podcasting tomorrow (I hope!) but it will be late as we're going to the cinema! I know, cultured! We aint going to see Superman or any of that shit either! I'm going to lament over Ethan Hawke's gradually crumbling looks and imaginary romance with Julie Delpy. Sw.

Big Brother 2013: Just shut up

Incidentals: I have hair envy at the woman on the Super Casino advert. Iain Lee was pretty good on BOTS. Rylan's show was quite good also today; more Little Brother than BOTS.
Gina should stop putting make up on because it looks like a mask. No person under 30 needs to wear foundation, in my opinion. I don't know how old she is, but it makes her look old. Her hair is ridiculous too. Mind you, there's a lot of bad, ratty hair in that house (Sallie). All I ever see of Gina is her sitting in the bed, stony-faced, not speaking to anyone.
I love Wolfy laughing at Gina and Sallie pointlessly rowing in the morning. It all seems so staged. I just don't buy any of it. I think I like Dan, they gay cop. He seems like a calming influence.
I like Wolfy and Sallie's friendship. Sallie actually seems to get along with a lot of people in that house. I like Sallie in a lot of ways. She's a rough diamond! Don't get me wrong, she's a tosser as well, but you can't accuse her of being one-dimensional. Mum, whatever your name is, Sallie is not picking on Gina.
Why is Jemina saying what 'attached girls' should wear? I didn't realise there was a separate dress code for single and attached girls! Can I see what's on the list of what I can wear? What a dick. I used to go out in my nightie all the time. Women should NOT BE DICTATING WHAT OTHER WOMEN WEAR. It makes me furious.
Gina is 24!!!! Fucking hell. It's a hard life being a lady of leisure, isn't it? She looks late thirties. Just goes to show what being a sourpuss can do to your face.Typing in your pin number is very ageing.
Sam gives me the creeps. Can we say 'inappropriate'?
Unidentified twin suggesting there's tramps near where Gina lives and suggesting she goes to Kings Cross station to Burger King! Ha.
Callum speaks! It does feel like they've put him in as the anti-Conor, doesn't it? He's like the opposite of an alpha male.
Gina is gross calling Sallie 'trash and garbage.' What makes you worth anything? A few of mummy and daddy's notes in your back pocket? She's just rotten.
Mole talk! Michael is getting on my wick so bad. I just can't be bothered with his bullshit! I'd rather we had another regular housemate. When he talks on the live feed I can't be bothered to listen, because I don't know what's real and what's not. He was talking about his sister earlier. Does he even have a sister? Why should I care about his made up stories?
I saw Sallie being tempted by these stupid sweets on the live feed and it was so obvious that she was going to eat them. If you put a button in there and a sign up saying 'don't push the button' she would push the button, it's just in her nature. She reminds me of Rebeckah from a couple of years back, but she's a bit nicer.
They're obviously not convinced their clothes have been shredded, as they keep going on about getting them  back. I want to see their clothes! I want to see Sallie's Suicide-Girls-by-Primark range and Dexter's other blingy pimp shoes. It's boring seeing them slob round in Michael's hoodies.
I saw a bit of this task on live feed too, it was alright but nothing thrilling.
Fucking hell, man, Dexter is worse than Grant Bovey for going on about money. I like Sallie and Gina having sly digs at each other during this task. Has Gina got anything about her other than money? She's got a rock where her heart should be. Twin: 'she could be a man.'
They should have picked 'I don't like fat people' for Michael's secret! It would have been funnier. Michael is 'not in there to make friends'. Even if he warms to people, he won't actually LIKE them. Oh, no, he's just acting! It's just a job. He's only following orders. Knob.
The misery twins moaning again. They're hungry, bored, tired, paranoid, waiting to be evicted. They make the outsiders from last year look like Tom and Alex doing the Macerena.
Ad break. Unorthodox Jukebox, lol. Well done, Bruno. Top marks for douchy album titles.
Even I'm shocked that Wolfy's rent is £260 a month! Where does she live?! Gina so shocked that anyone can be poor and happy. Wolfy seems a lot happier than you, Gina. I kind of feel sorry for super rich people because they're so scared of being poor; it terrifies them. When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. Gina, Wolfy doesn't want to go shopping with you. Nothing will fit her in Chanel. She's happy with who she is, you should try it.
Sallie and Jemina: joined together by a hatred of Gina. A common enemy to bond against.
Daughter describing Michael as Mr Tumnus. Snigger. I don't buy Gina's tears for poor little Wolfy. Damage control!
No BOTS? 
Sorry I've not done a podcast, by the way, if you listen to it, my boyfriend has been working, so it's a bit sucky. We're going to try and do one late Tuesday night, but we're moving house on Wednesday so we'll see how that pans out. We'll be back to being more regular soon, I hope!

Big Brother 2013: 'Are they your own eyes?'

Hello! Here's hoping for a recap under five minutes tonight. I haven't seen the live feed today because I was watching The Voice, although in retrospect, I'd have been better off with this lot of pretentious, self-obsessed show offs instead.
OMG! Gina hit Sallie. I mean, it wasn't much of a hit, but it was contact. I wouldn't like that in there. I don't like people touching me full stop, let alone with aggression. How can they be arguing so soon?! That was the same night Gina went in, right? Seriously, how can anyone wind you up that quickly?!
Wolfy in the shower! Sallie's backhanded compliment to Sophie who was worried about going in the shower: 'Doesn't matter what you look like, babe.' She looks just fine!
Jemina and Barry Styles is the most cringeworthy 'showmance' ever. I can't even look at them, it makes me heave.
Oh, Michael, don't talk to camera, you're hammy enough as it is.
Jemima's job website sounds classy. I think the crux of that conversation is, she's a hairdresser.
Fire in the kitchen! Health and safety. Call Mario. Tweedledum and Tweedledee need feeding. Do these two ever stop moaning? Oh, now they want peace and quiet. They're obsessed with how they're being perceived. The worst type of housemate is a self-conscious misery guts. You'll regret carping your way though the weeks when you get out, but not as much as I'll resent having to watch you. 
Ha, Sophie doesn't like Sallie. Not surprising. It would be like befriending a venus flytrap.
New housemates are in (again) now. They seem to be keeping the recap reasonably snappy. I think things are definitely better on the production side this year (except BOTS). Not much of a task when we decided not to shred the new housemates cases. Barely worth the recap, really. ACTING, Michael!
Sallie's quite sharp really, telling them to move away from the couch or Michael would know they'd been watching them. Having someone's mum in there is a bit of a downer, if you ask me. I'd evict her asap.
Dexter's Tuco shoes crack me up. PIMP DADDY.
OMG Gina is sooooo rude. I love the fact no one was replying to her. What a spoilt bitch. You know where the door is. Well, there's a lot of doors, but if you get someone to assist you, you can probably locate the one marked 'exit'.
Tonight's best chat up line: 'are they your own eyes?' Oh, Dexter. I soooo don't want him to get evicted. I think he's the most interesting housemate; him and Sallie, just for the egos. LOL Dexter has a 'hall pass from his girlfriend.' THAT'S now the best chat up line of the night. I don't like Michael making fun of him, though. It's too easy! I don't like Michael's personality. I know he's acting, but he reminds me of that snarky dude off Conspiracy Road Trip. 
Sallie to Hazel: 'have you been out with anyone famous'? Let's get down to business, hey?
Oh God, Gina is unbearable. She can't be 4 real. No one could be that stuck up. I think she could be the biggest cunt of all time on Big Brother. How is that humanly possible - just think about some of the contenders for a minute!
Sam: 'you came down with your fucking tits'. OMG the way he speaks to women! He has NO MANNERS. Someone needs to get him in line before he gets a slap in the face or thrown out. 
Why would people think you're stuck up, Gina?! You seem so down to earth!
Where's the camera on this fight?! Where's the decent camera angles? How did it even start? Editing!
'Your cheap Primark shoes!' LOL. Do these two know each other or not? Why would there be that much beef on the first night? I don't get it. I feel like we're missing a piece of the puzzle. Why is Gina calling Sallie a tart? She didn't even see the launch night sideboob?
At least this means Gina will be evicted on Friday and not Dexter. You weren't 'shoved into a house' - you signed up! 'Lots of weirdos' it's BIG BROTHER. 13 years of it, we've had, where have you BEEN?! Honestly. Look, seriously, I'll help you find the door. Just fuck off.
Pretty good for a third show, no? Normally at this point I'm still working out names!

Big Brother 2013: Launch Night: 'I'm London's most notorious sugar daddy'

Hiya! So I just watched two hours of live feed. Quite good actually, comforting, like an old pair of slippers. I didn't learn a great deal, except the twins have expressions like they've just been told their family have been in a car wreck, and Sam likes girls on bikes with baskets on the front. Still, it's more than I would have known without those crumbs. Mmm, crumbs! Nom nom nom. Honestly, the twins are doing a thousand yard stare and gnawing on their nails. I don't know what's up with them but they have the faces of men off to the gallows.
So, onto tonight. I'm wondering if Michael is going to get Stockholm syndrome and start falling for his housemates? It would be good to see him go on some sort of emotional 'journey' (Dermot™). Are they really calling him 'the people's puppet'? That's so lame.The people's muppet more like. Puppet. Poppets. It's just too much.
I like those round orange chairs, I want one of those. LOL Dexter will buy everyone new stuff (of his choosing). He will buy everyone's friendship with 'male Louboutins'.Dexter: 'I'm London's most notorious sugar daddy. The press hate me.' The press wrote one story about you! No one knows who you are. Stop being a dick. No, don't actually. Be an enormous dick. It's entertaining.
Wolfy is getting on my wick, too. Sam is flirting with Jemima! 'You make my winky expand' is not much of a chat up line. Sam talks just like Glyn. I wonder if he knows how to cook an egg? All will be revealed.
Dexter: 'people shouldn't discriminate against me.' Why, because you're a knob? One thing you can't buy is respect. Unless you're a gangster.
LOL to Sallie going in the DR and slagging off Jemima and Callum already! 'Dexter's a cock.' Ha!
Ha to Dexter trying to sprawl in the Diary Room chair like an insouciant Jeremy Kyle guest. Dexter: you should be grateful Sallie knows about you AT ALL! I can't believe he's arguing with Sallie on the first night. Bad strategy! Weak gameplay.
Good to see Michael as himself. 'ACTING.' You should try it. Oh God, they're not going to make him a real housemate, are they? That would be rubbish.
Jemima is drunk. Barry Styles is picking his nose. Are these two gonna get off? Groo. OMG she tried to kiss him and he backed off. That is SAD. I wouldn't touch a 23 year old with a barge pole. Desperate!
I like the furry purple bench. I can't believe everyone's bitching so much already. I find that uniquely British.
Why is Sallie bothered if Sam gets off with Jemima? It's none of her business! Dexter, the onesie look isn't for you. Thought you were going to have a light then fuck off? Sallie is chief shit stirrer.
New housemates! Oh, a black person. Well done, Big Brother! Gina has an allowance of 10K a month and can't survive on it. Oh dear. Gina, meet Dexter. Rich people are so boring! Bragging about labels and stuff. It really is dull. People shouting 'off' at her, I wondered where all the animals in the crowd were. Maybe they kept them there since last night.
Sallie is going to be thrilled to be knocked off top dog perch. Watch your back, Gina! I think Gina can handle herself, though.
I almost thought Dan was good looking then, then I heard he was a police officer, then I saw his hairline. He's a gay dad. He's got it all going on. All bases covered. It looks like Dan's had a mid season buzzcut already, and that's his going in hair. How does that work?
Not another glamour girl! God. Sallie's head will explode. I thought we were getting smart older housemates this year? This a cookie cutter type housemate. She's like brunette Barbie. Callum's eyes just fell out of his head.
Last night's housemates already look jaded in yesterday's clothes, ha. How quickly you become old news.
Next up is Daley, a part time boxer. He looks quite attractive, but I don't like sporty types. The girls will be after him, no doubt. I don't think you can be crazy AND normal as he professed. They are the opposite of each other. I could see him winning it. He's 'going with the flow'. I hope that flow isn't leading down the rapids. 'Not religious but spiritual'. Oh, fuck off.
Now it's getting interesting though, wondering how all these personalities will mix together.
OK, last housemate. Oh, a mother and daughter! As one housemate. That's weird. Posh. Annoying. I'm not sure how I feel about mothers and daughters in there. Wasn't the last mother and daughter in there Jade and her mum? That didn't end well. That Beyonce song makes me want to punch my own face in. OH, they're not one housemate, they're two! Why? Why can't the twins be individual as well? I don't get it.
Sallie must be upset that everyone coming in today missed her sideboob last night. Sallie's like a Jasmine character a bit, like a tragic child who just needs counselling and instead gets tattoos and has a massive attitude.
Oh God, time for Michael to overact again. So will he shred housemates suitcases for a pizza? Shredder. Pizzas. It's like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What, WE voted to not shred the new hms suitcases? I didn't vote for that!
So they're telling them that Michael is immune and he chooses the first three up for eviction. So is that true? I guess WE choose, right? I don't think I trust US to choose!
LOL to Emma nearly saying 'Channel 4'. Whoops! All in all, lots of fun. Except I had no wine and I watched it alone, surrounded by cardboard boxes. But that's not Endemol's fault. Is it?

Big Brother 2013: Secrets and Lies

What series is it? I never have a clue. For the amount of different Big Brothers' I watch, my knowledge of the finer details are quite poor. Anyway, this is the first UK series that Emma Willis is presenting, something which is upsetting my boyfriend, an avid Brian Dowling fan. I personally think Emma will do a decent job and I quite like her.
On the face of it, things could be good this time round. There's a new producer, quite a radically different house, live feed (two hours, but you know, it's better than a smack in the face). Rylan also said on The Wright Stuff that the contestants were going to be older, which probably means there are two or three oldies. There's a psych show. All pointing towards a good show, right? So why is this 'launch night split over two shows' making me twitch? I've got a funny feeling it's going to be boys and girls in two different houses like on the Australian show, which we know didn't work from Ziggy's year. I don't like first night twists, I just want to see them interact, but I know that ship has long sailed. Waa waa waa, back in the day. I know. I'm old.
Sponsored by Super Casino! The class goes up and up. 
Here we go! Emma looks good. I like her dress and shoes. Her arms look muscly! And she's a fan of the show. She is a bit 'only following orders' but that's OK.
The house looks cool! Look at the doors. It looks like they've spent a few quid on it for once. It's quirky, like a Teletubbies house. The house looks massive! I like the furnishings! I don't like the Diary Room chair, though. It doesn't look comfy. Nice to see round the house though (briefly). 
First in are Jack and Joe (Jedward after too many carveries). They don't look 18. They look about 40. What's with those jumpers? Are they one housemate or two? I hate these joint housemates. They are individuals even if they're twins. They laugh like a pair of hyenas.
Next up is Sallie, a firebreathing glamour model. She's got loads of tattoos so that's a bit different from the usual glamour girls. She's more Jodie Marsh than Jordan. Likes beanie hats. Why? DAPPY. OMG look at her outfit! I think she forgot to put her top on. I'd be nervous about hugging her! You'd get done for sexual assault. I'm surprised she didn't get booed more for being so comfortable with herself. I think she might be alright. At least interesting.
Jemima runs a golddiggers website. She looks ropey. Her highlights wouldn't be out of place on a Judge Judy guest. An SJP lookalike! That's nothing to boast about. She could be entertaining, though.
They're drinking out of jam jars. They're taking this eco thing seriously.
Michael is 'a little bit crazy'. He described himself as 'a little bit cute.' I beg to differ. He looks like a frog. Says he has a gameplan. Unless I see it drawn in crayon I'm not interested.
OMG Michael is a MOLE! A real mole! Cool. We've been waiting for that one for a while. I wouldn't like him to stay the whole time though. What if he wins it?
I like the tree house and the garden. WHERE'S THE CHICKENS? Bring back Marjorie! Definitely showing my age now.
Callum is 'laid back with a sharp edge.' Like a razor on the side of the bathtub. He didn't get a Twitter quote come up so I can only presume he's too stupid to use Twitter. This is my idea of hell in a man. Right there. He's a great interviewee! Emma looked at him like 'you freak.' He reminds me of Conor. He reminds me of someone else too, but I can't place it. Callum's favourite 'artist' of all time is Will Smith. What?
Wolfy is up next. Peter Kaye in lesbian form. She's a hippy. She's barefoot and crying. Oh dear. She used the word 'birds' to describe women. Ugh. Do lesbians really do that? If so, we've got no hope as women. Oh no, apparently she meant actual birds. Sorry, Wolfy. She doesn't drink. Always suspicious. She reminds me of Becky from last year, and that's NOOOOOOO good thing. 'Come on, you bastards' was her high point. 
Sam. A Welsh Harry Styles. I can't understand what he's saying! Give him some subtitles FFS. Is he deaf? Oops. 'You make my winky expand'. Ugh! 23, he looks about 12. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE. Oh shit, he really is deaf. Apologies. He still needs subtitles, though.
Sophie: 'people fink that I'm fick.' I wonder why? 'But I'm quite clever actually.' We'll see. She's dressed like a mermaid. Her voice is enough to make you want to punch yourself in the face. Two people within the space of two minutes have described her as gorgeous now. If you say so. I'm so over thick people on BB.
Ad break. Neighbours: the eclipse. That sounds good, ha.
Yeah Dexter looks good, Kenneth Tong the return! Spent £121K in a bar. 28?! He looks about five. He's gonna be an ALMIGHTY douche. He's going to be a great housemate. When he told Emma he had a 'kind heart' I was disappointed. He's got his Butlins coat on! Did he say 'is that legal?' to Sallie's outfit?
How did Michael know where the DR was? PLANT! So does he act in the Diary Room, too? Maybe he's not even Irish. Get him to say 'three' then we'll figure it out.
ACTING! It would be hard to act all the time. As he's finding already. LOL someone just called him a cunt. NO ONE would go in there on the first night and shred all the other housemates clothes: no one. You'd be out on your ear in ten seconds. This 'twist' could fall apart any second.
I hate people who say 'borrowed you' when they mean LEANT, Sallie. It's LEANT, Sallie. Or is it lent?It's underling leant. Either way, it's not 'borrowed you'. EITHER WAY.
Fucking hell man, we could have got a warning for 'My face is eating me alive.' C5 has so turned into C4. They've nicked all their best shows.
It's bollocks that they're shredding all their clothes. It's just empty suitcases. Dexter looks like Rodrigo from a distance. A long distance, as Rodrigo is cute. Let's throw Callum in the shredder to check it's working. There's no WAY their clothes are in there. What if people have got contact lenses and stuff like that? I wouldn't cuddle Michael, I'd be fuming! I'd be wearing his clothes for the rest of the season. Even if they didn't fit.
In a way I think it's good splitting the launch show as sometimes it can be tedious. I wonder if there'll be another mole tomorrow? The only reason I'm pissy about it is because my boyfriend is working tomorrow so we can't watch it together, I know, heartbreaking, get your tiny violin out.
Right we're gonna do a podcast. I did enjoy it, you know! I like Emma! There will be blood. Ooh I just saw 5 mins of BOTS. I didn't expect AJ to speak like that, like Tess Daly. Rylan looks like he's struggling to keep his teeth in, bless him. I miss Jamie East! I never thought you'd hear me say that.

The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!