Friday, 28 June 2013

Big Brother 2013: I wake up to this every day

Get Jemima out! She's not got one redeeming feature. Her voice alone should be a criminal offence. I voted four times, ha. Ooh the eye looks quite good in HD.
Dexter looks worn out! I'm not sure I like Emma's monochrome sack either.
Is Daley really asking Barry Styles if he'd do a magazine deal with Jemima? Ooh, Dexter is chiming in with his PR advice. Hilarious!
Jemima, you're too old for plaits. I'm too old for plaits at 33. You're definitely too old. The cowboy hat is not helping, either.
Dexter is telling Dan and Hazel that he dressed up for men in stockings on a webcam! What is wrong with this man? Dan: 'did you have a wank?' Dexter says, he's not bisexual, 'he's not arsed'.
Any straight man who says if 'Ryan Gosling walked in' isn't straight! I agree with what mystery twin said, 'do men make you turned on'? Dexter is 'fairly straight.' I love it! I want to see Dexter in his stockings. Notice Daley went 'urgh'! Homophobe!
Not another 'save me' speech. Aw, Dexter's speech was quite touching. I think he's quite lovely. He's silly, but lovely.
The mum and daughter are wearing matching peach. Coordinated!
Note to producers: Don't make Sophie read from cards again. Hide and seek! I've never seen inside the store room before. The store room takes centre stage in BBUS! Why is there no food in the store room? 500 bananas would liven things up.
Whenever those twins are funny, it's unintentional. See all the dirty pants hanging by the vegetable patch?! Yuck. That task was way lame. Is that the best they can do on a Friday night? Doesn't matter how much dramatic music you put on hide and seek, it's still hide and seek.
Jemima is wearing a chefs top and knee high socks! What is she thinking? Big Brother should really have done humanity a favour and shredded her suitcase. Her clothes are disgusting.
Hazel's business is selling photos of herself. Must be so fulfilling! 
Look at the the way Dexter sits in that chair; like a praying mantis.
Ooh, fat gate! It IS kind of annoying when skinny people say they're fat, but Charlie just means it relative to herself. It does feel insulting when skinny people say it, but they don't mean it rudely, I think.
Wolfy busted out the 'I'm not being funny!' It's your fault if you're fat, Wolfy, and I thought she was doing it for the big girls?
Look at Wolfy's sexy boxer shorts! Don't tell people what to say. And put that belly away. You DID THAT TO YOURSELF. I'm fat too, I would NEVER act self pityingly about it. She shoved the food in my mouth. It's not like she woke up one morning fat, it's a gradual process. Don't have a go at other people. I really hope Wolfy goes next week. I'd love to see her face.
Gina's got an eating disorder and she would never tell anyone about it. Except then.
I quite like the way Dexter dresses in his little suits with his handkerchiefs. 
Wolfy: camo and tartan do not go together. Wolfy; YOU'RE the one who's insecure! Wolfy is desperately looking for a reason to nominate Charlie. It's a JOKE that she's saying she's not insecure. Do people have to run options before this bitch before they can even speak? FUCK OFF! I wish everyone would just stop humouring Wolfy. She needs telling.
Where's Dan, he should be sorting this situation out! Enter stage left. Aw, Dan's not centre of attention, he's mad. His arms are flapping about.
I HATE people who can't accept accept an apology either, that's like making someone sweat overnight. I hate Wolfy!
Sam's having a good old root up his nose! Groo.
Dexter is telling his only friend in the house that he's 'a bit contrived'. I think Dexter is trying to be honest, but he's just socially a mess. But it's true that Dan DOES think that about Callum!
What's up with Daley? What is this thing he wants to say? Fucking say it already! Why did he grab Hazel's head like that? What's going on? We need some production inside Daley's head.
LOL Jemima's doing a desperate last minute shag attempt! Winky says no. Jackie does not look impressed.
Callum's gameplan has been revealed! It's true, you can't be that nice, it's not possible. 'Relationship-based bridges. Is there a way I can leave tomorrow! I've got a a business brain.' That's the most interesting thing he's ever said! Ha, that was Dexterish in it's ridiculousness. Callum IS not what he says in the tin. I want to know who he really is.
Why are Hazel and Charlie pretending to like each other? We know they don't. United against a common enemy; ugly people.
It's GOT TO BE Jemima. Your fate is sealed. Get to fuck. Aw, Dexter is proper blubbing. Too cute. Jemima's eviction dress is actually reasonably nice for her. That blinking picture of her is too creepy.
Jemima - still deluded: 'most of the housemates thought I was going to stay tonight.' That's what they said to you. Leave Dexter alone! Off, off, off! Ha. Emma should tell the crowd to STFU.
Jemima: 'Gina was least enjoying it the most.' That's almost English.
Emma telling Jemima that Gina is loved by the public, ha. Dan vs Jemima: he must be smiling tonight.
Jemima wasn't able to show her 'funny, witty, entertaining' side. Ha!
I thought Emma was quite cold with Jemima! She was annoying but she didn't deserve that much stink eye.
Thank God, we'll never have to see Jemima and Sam consummate their relationship. All hail King Dexter! 
Ooh, has Emma got red shorts on? Kinky! Podcast in a bit. Night!

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