Big Brother 13: Remember the Reebok pumps?

So I've read about Conor now, and was pleased to see that people were as disgusted with him as me. 1,000 complaints to Ofcom and they still don't listen. My boyfriend said, 'the producers complete misjudged the situation' and he's quite right. I can't even look at Conor on my screen, and any attempt they make to have him being humorous sticks in my craw. It's like putting a clown's nose on Ian Huntley and going 'well it might have happened the way he said it and he loves his mum'. And don't even come to me going 'how can you compare a child killer to a reality TV show contestant' - easily! It's that kind of misogynistic hate speech that tells twisted men who hate women that speaking to women like that is OK. As for their statement saying it was 'out of character' - one, I don't think it is, and two, so if I accidentally beat someone to death but I'd had a bad day so it was 'out of character', is that OK? Not throwing Conor out on his ear has basically said, 'it's fine to talk about women as if they're pieces of meat to be raped and punched.' Nice work, Channel 5!  
Deana has shown her teeth a couple of times now; if she wants to get my vote she's going to have to take it up a notch or 700. Why is she concerned about Becky being fat? Health reasons... kiss my arse. It's got fuck all to do with her. Haha, I knew that annoyed Becky. Becky should bring out a diet book called 'well, you might die tomorrow.' Plus you might as well never read a newspaper, never learn about history, and never get a job. Mightdietomorrowlol!
I quite liked that conversation between Luke A and Becky as it was human and not about 'game'. Reebok pumps! I thought Becky seemed reasonably interested and didn't ask too many silly questions. So much has been made of the 'sides' in the house that it's hard to not see them as a mass of evil or a mass of fencesitters. More scenes like this please, so we can actually decide if we like any of these boring bastards after all.
Why is Lydia talking to people like that! You can't have it both ways; boasting about being in magazines, and then getting touchy about Michelle Heaton. I thought Michelle Heaton was a psychotic cow - ASL clearly has a type (but Lydia is still a step up from that orange Bridezilla).
Arron: 'girls just throw themselves at me.' Grow up, little boy. His pathetic trying to fuck Sara cos there's nothing else going on in the house is the very bottom of the barrel-scrape of showmances - it makes Ashleigh and Luke look like Tom Cruise and Katie... oh.
Ah I could almost shed a tear hearing Lydia go on about the 'DR'. Send her out to BBUSA, she would be the new Janelle or Rachel 'no one comes between me and my man'. That country knows how to appreciate a feisty, ball-busting female.
Why is Arron being so nice to Deana? It's ALMOST like he's been told to. Luckily, she sees right through it. I hope Lydia does come back like a bad penny.
Adam must wonder what on earth is going on, seeing all his friends walk out the door each week.
Conor: 'that's what I wanted.' Do you know what I wanted? You thrown out on your ear, you disgusting ignorant pig-faced unintelligible cunt. Adam's not the gorilla: you are. Conor and Arron make the Jungle Cats look like Hello Kitty and Monkichini.
Scott, your proper response to that punishment should have been 'really sorry you lost the table, guys.' not 'it's only a fucking table'. Rude little oik. Still, at least the boys are pissed off about it.
Conor's looking very annoyed! Let's hope he doesn't have an 'out of character' episode again soon. In actuality an 'out of character' episode for Conor would be stringing a sentence together.
I've seen loads of people speaking to people I never normally see them speaking to tonight; makes you wonder just how much we're missing without live feed.
Oh, Sara, are you really getting that desperate now? Literally you've done NOTHING in that house since you had a crying fit about the Royal Family. Arron is handling himself so beautifully right now. Proper catch, he is - he makes Justin Beiber look grown up.
Arron is saying it in a really stupid way but he's actually right, Scott should have said sorry. I think Scott just said the word 'table' about 500 times. Gay blokes don't care about table football. The end.
Luke: 'Lydia guided us.' Yes, she did. Just the wrong way unfortunately.
The mean girls are now digging Becky's grave. Hope they got a big spade. They're completely right about her, of course.
Oh god, just stop TALKING Shev. It's just words but they aren't interesting. 'We don't know each other in here' - well you've lived there a fucking month with nothing to do, try talking to people, you absolute bell-end.
Looks like there's going to be a few people up for eviction next week as there's so much hatred going in so many different directions. I hate everyone so I don't mind who goes. I'd like to see Conor vs Caroline but I can't see it happening. The idiot nation would still probably save Conor cos he's cute or something, ignoring the fact he's got a hitler haircut and finds rape talk a right laff.
Becky: 'I'm 19.' Oh, boo hoo. I'm 32 and I'm having to watch this crap. There's not one clever, funny or interesting person left in that house, so I just have to sit here, full of bile, for the next few weeks until they ship in some fucking Made in Chelsea rejects, Leandro Penna and Paul Danan. Now that's something to moan about.

Big Brother 13: Here's to rapists and racists

Sup! I'm back from Ibiza, burnt and realising I'm too old for holidays in Ibiza. I missed blogging and my cats!
So I just watched all of this week's BBs in one go: no mean feat.
I'm not in the least bit surprised that Lydia and Deana are up; and Lydia will go tonight. It's sad to see her go under as she's more entertaining than every other one of those people put together. Big Brother has fucked it up so bad this year. I've seen some editorial suicide in my time but this really takes the cake. They are letting the lunatics run the asylum. I hope their viewing figures are going through the floor.
Anyway, rather than just rehashing episodes you've long forgotten, I'm just going to do exactly that, but via my thoughts on each housemate.
Conor: the standout moment of the week was Conor saying he'd like to rape Deana with a hairbrush and knock her out. I sincerely hope there was a huge outrage over this - I was absolutely appalled. I'm disgusted that BB didn't throw him out for it, and there was no sign of him getting a formal warning for that revolting behaviour. The man makes Jay McCray look like Brian Sewell. Seriously; is that acceptable language to use about women? The way the group was treating Deana towards the early part of the week WAS bullying. That epilator thing had undertones of real animosity. Lydia, however, was not being bullied, but I enjoyed her insistence that she was. Even so, Big Brother had the perfect opportunity to put Conor up and right a massive wrong this week. But as usual they sat back and did nothing - pathetic. No, worse than pathetic: damaging. He was 'angry': I suggest he go be angry outside then. Deana still doesn't even know what he said: it should be played to the group. They'd still probably back him, though, revolting bunch that they are. If this man says one more aggressively misogynistic thing, please can he be removed? Or do we really not care anymore?
Caroline: all she does is say cunty things and then say 'sorry'. I hate her guts and can't wait to see her get thrown to the wolves. Her calling Adam a 'gorilla' was disgraceful and she fully deserved her formal warning. But where was Conor's formal warning? I didn't believe either of their 'apologies'. They're both utterly odious - I hope their parents are utterly ashamed with what they've 'raised'.
Ashleigh: the thicko act was embarrassing when Jade did it, ten years later it wears thinner than that dress Ashleeeeeen wore about 6 years ago when they put her in that secret house and she had a mini-meltdown because she had to upset one of three strangers. I actually feel embarrassed for how stupid Ashleigh is, and how insecure she is around Lauren. There's nothing about her; and I think she's starting to realise it herself. It must be terrifying to be so shallow. I pity her. Turning to Conor for help really does indicate serious levels of misjudgement.
Luke S: I'd have love to see him go up this week. Sadly it wasn't to be.
Luke A: His fencesitting is actually becoming criminal. When Deana was pleading to him for help and he told her to leave it, I thought, 'you're just as bad as them.' That quote about sitting back and doing nothing has never rung truer.
Adam: His fencesitting is almost as bad as the outright evil of Caroline and when she called him up on it (when she called him conformist, which is true), he looked visibly irked. I really want him to show his teeth.  If he does, he could win it.
Becky: a waste of air. Her proudly admitting to know nothing about Nazis was an embarrassment to our country, and I have no national pride whatsoever. She's of the 'proud to be thick' generation and everyone who voted her in must be looking at last month's phonebill and sobbing.
Sara: ------------
Lydia: a superb housemate who will be kicked out tonight. Her narcissism, persecution complex, and plotting make for great entertainment. She's so sharp in some ways and so silly in others. She honestly can't understand why people would nominate her. I'll miss her black hoodie, cocoon quilt and darting eyes. I'm glad she got to gunge them fuckers.
Shev: so overdone I don't think she even has a personality anymore, she's just an arm waving and a mouth moving.
Scott: vile. No redeeming features.
Deana: dark echoes of Jade Goody and Shilpa Shetty in her appalling treatment earlier in the week. I neither like or dislike her, I just find her so wishy washy, but she absolutely does not deserve the appalling treatment she gets from the men in that house. The mob mentality was hard to watch.
Lauren: a spineless crybaby, yet perfectly harmless. She neither adds nor takes from the house, yet the amount she winds people up is intriguing. The girls jealousy of her seems weird.
Arron: What a mistake keeping this angry little boy in. He's an embarrassment with a nasty temper and I could see him getting thrown out, too.
All I can think of is the amount of hate there's going to be for people like Caroline when they do finally leave because never has there been such a one-sided house before. BB - please put everyone up so we can vote and have our say. These people can't be trusted to evict the right people.
The task wasn't bad, but I'm fed up of all these eating tasks. It's not I'm a Celebrity. I'd also have had more respect for Lauren/ Lukes if they'd pushed the button and just been selfish for once. Taking it for the team is dull.
Oh sorry I can't really laugh at Conor's japes in the DR since HE THREATENED TO RAPE SOMEONE WITH A HAIRBRUSH AND KNOCK THEM OUT. How can that be overlooked? How? Am I operating in some alternative universe?
Ashleigh has just been WAITING for this opportunity to have a go at Lauren. Lauren is in the right, she did give up more of her fags than others. 'You're not even a proper smoker.' What do you have to do to qualify; is there a special badge, or is it judged on the amount of black phlegm you cough up in a morning? Hey, that could be a task.
Deana is so drippy! How could anyone save her over Lydia? I will never understand this show. Never!
'There's an elephant in the room'. Camera pans to Becky. I'd say it's cruel, but what else is she good for? She's ruined this show in so many ways.
There's no suspense because it's so obvious Lydia will go. I wasn't even up to date enough to vote! What a boring show this will be without Lydia. Losing Benedict and Lydia in two weeks is unrecoverable-from, in my opinion. Big Brother; you should have stepped in. You're going to get the show you deserve; a house-filled with people who don't know chickens come from eggs and talk about women like they're nothing. Oh, and the odd racist. BTW, how come Emily got chucked out for a stupid-but-not-hateful 'ni**a' and Alexandra got chucked out for 'pow pow pow' but grown man Conor doesn't get thrown out for making sexual threats against women? It's shaming, it really is. It makes everything the Daily Mail has ever said about this show look quite near the money.
Are they covering up the boos as Lydia leaves? Lydia looks great as usual. I would rather watch a show with evictees Chris, Benedict and Lydia in than these jokers. I have never felt this much hatred towards contestants in a BB house. I need someone to love in there so much!
Also: fuck off Brian Dowling. He's being really harsh on Lydia. I hope you're going to take Conor to task when he comes out. Lydia has done fuck all; a bit of plotting and scheming and entertaining in a game show; burn the witch! Idiot, Dowling. Your show would be dead without people like her. He should have offered her more support in the face of that crowd. He gets it wrong more often than not these days.
I like the way Lydia is just stoically ignoring the braindead crowd. Meatheads and morons, the lot of them.
I really like Andy Scott Lee! He's a cutie. Brian sounded surprised ASL was sticking with her; they're in a relationship; he'd be a pretty rubbish boyfriend if he was going to dump her over some unfair editing on a TV show. Yes, I'm calling out the editing.
I know who I'd want on my side in a fight; Lydia all the way. She's loyal and smart. The fact she's lambasted for that says nothing about her and everything about the google-eyed drones who watch this show.
Now I'm going to go on Digital Spy/ Twitter and there better be fucking OUTCRY over this whole Conor business. I wondered why they put him in; now we know. To get on the front pages of the paper when he attacks someone. Nice.

Big Brother 13: Chair lifted

If you didn't watch BOTS last night, you missed Luke wiping up his spunk off Ashleigh with what appeared to be his dirty underpants. Delightful! Helen and Paul were too coy to even kiss in there. How ten years changes the landscape.
Chairs gone? At least they'll have a good area of space to dance for Ashleigh's birthday.
Ashleigh: hates Benedict, loves sex on TV. Surely this is what Benedict was advocating! She's got more in common than they think. Except Benedict gets paid. Don't think I'm letting the disgusting Luke off the hook; the way he's using Ashleigh basically as a cum rag is vile. She'll be thrown away as fast, as well.
The ugly (inside) sisters are conspiring. I knew Ashleigh would be gloating about it today. It's horrible when you overhear people having sex. You shouldn't put people through that. Oh it's OK, Ashleigh, you've got the seal of approval from the vacant hags to your face. Just wait and see what they say about you behind your back. 'I could see us having a relationship' says Ashleigh of the throw(up)mance.
There's nothing happening in this episode, is there?
If Shev and Conor are really Ashleigh's BEST FRIENDS I feel sorry for her. Oh, she's only 21. You can forgive her her idiocy a bit. A bit.
I'm finding it really hard to write this blog, you know. I have no enthusiasm for any of these people or anything they do. I need someone to champion; to love. I had to fast forward the bit with Conor and Shev in the DR because they both make me feel physically sick. Honestly, I'd rather watch the football than this shit at the moment, and I HATE FOOTBALL.
Where's Lauren? As predicted, we've not seen ONE FRAME of her tonight. What a fucking pointless waste of time keeping her in. This house needs new blood: badly. And saying that in week 3 is quite worrying.
Ashleigh's dirty blonde hair wasn't nice and her dirty brown hair isn't nice. She looks plain. Lydia's deflated. Luke A's deflated. Adam's nothingy. I feel like Lydia does.
Nominations tell-off again. Lydia's getting MAD. I know how she feels.
I HATE the way Shev talks to people, she's an absolute disgrace. Having a go at people for the 'tone': look at the way she fucking talks to people! She talks to people like they're a piece of crap. She thinks she's always right. At least Lydia is entertaining; Shev is just a mouth, but nothing of interest ever comes out of it.
Lydia having to kowtow to Conor makes me sick. She's worth about 100 of him. He looks like Frankenstein's monster and he's less intelligent.
Shev's got good legs, I'll give her that much. Lauren looks good, too. Good looks don't really make for great entertainment, though, do they?
This is how pissed off I am with BB. I started watching BB late and I honestly just switched it off to watch the PENALTIES in the football. But don't worry; I haven't lost my mind; I haven't watched any other bit of it and I'm rooting for Italy so I don't have to watch loads of football in Ibiza on my holiday which starts tomorrow, ha. I really want to see misogynistic thickos Wayne Rooney or Ashley Cole fuck it up and become national hate figures for something insignificant as opposed to their constant reprehensible behaviour which is apparently a-OK. Which women-hating tosser is up first? Let's see: oh, I don't mind Stephen Gerrard, he actually seems like one of the 'OK' ones, but I thought that about Peter Crouch once. Miss, Rooney, you pug-faced little prick. Oh noes. I don't know who Ashley Young is, but he missed. Our goalie looks about 12. Where's David Seaman? That's the last time I was forced to watch football: about 15 years ago.
YES! Ashley Cole missed. Haha! That's what you get for being a money-loving, women-hating DICK and I can't even STAND Cheryl Cole. Still, she must be thrilled. Commentator: 'the courage of these boys to step up and take a penalty'. Yes, what courage. They get paid £100,000 a week. Don't make me laugh. These idiots are really worth all that cash, aren't they? The sight of John Terry's miserable face is enough to lift even the hardest heart (ie. mine). At least I'm not going to have to see the England flag everywhere in Spain now. Hope they show some Wimbledon instead.
Just turned BB back on and they're shrieking and singing out of tune to Justin Beiber. They don't know how to edit this show anymore, do they? They edit arguments down to a minute, and stuff it with more filler than a Iceland chicken.
I think Ashleigh's going to pull the plug on the Egyptian party. Oh Shev, stop trying to be a saint. We've all seen what you're really like. Why are only Shev and Lauren at her party? Oh Luke A is there, too. Zzzzzzzz.
Mmm, that cake looks nice.
I wish Ashleigh had opened that card and it had a message from her family in saying 'we've disowned you because of your behaviour on TV.' Shev: 'I was raving at 4.' God, she talks some crap.
Oh Ashleigh; is that really your idea of a 'gentleman'? Dear oh dear.
I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to carry on watching, and I've not felt like this in 13 years of Big Brother. I just can't cope with the injustice of Benedict not being there and ten or more others who don't deserve to be there. I'm going away for five days so I won't be blogging until the weekend. I should be looking forward to the BB marathon when I get back, but I'm not: it feels like drudgery. I do this for a laugh and it's not a laugh right now. Can they turn it around? Can you save Lydia, as it's obvious she'll be up? But I don't think all of Justin Beiber's Twitter followers combined could save her, let alone ASL's.
See you next weekend! With sunburn, and possibly alcohol poisoning. Adios... for now!

Big Brother 13: I don't know if Luke's noticed that I despise him

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Big Brother 13: Sorry about the curry.

Ooh it's going to be a tense one tonight! The tide seems to have been turning for Benedict, and it looks more like 50/50. Although I think people are more passionate about saving Benedict than Lauren; and I hope they're not swayed by her tears. I think Benedict could have the Freddie factor. I hope, anyway. Benedict's come with a Lego hat on. The boos and cheers seem quite split for him and Lauren.
I like it when they aren't allowed to talk about nominations, because then they get in trouble when they do, and then BB can fix the voting and put 'baddies' up for eviction. But I do quite like the noms chat, too.
I HATE the way Caroline giggles like a little fucking simpleton whenever she's in trouble. She's got no fucking tact. That's so insensitive laughing like that when you've just hurt someone's feelings. YEAH to Benedict for tearing a strip off her. Caught out!
STFU up, Ashleigh, you absolute scrotum. I can virtually hear the phone ringing off the hook to save Benedict as these spiteful little cunts gang up on him. At least Becky's seen what Caroline's made of now (shit) and hopefully she'll be up next week. LOL at Brian's jokes about Caroline's hair. Why is Lauren talking like a little girl? Grow the fuck up. And do it at home, please. The boo crowd are out in force tonight. Have they got their pitchforks with them?
Lauren's mum: 'they both need to stay!' She's not quite got the hang of this, has she? Brian: I'm not watching it on +1, can you give it a rest? I'm not lobotomised. Even the way Caroline apologises is offensive. If she was a perfume, she'd be called Odious.
Why are they showing all this filler masterclass bullshit when we all know there was a huge ruck in the house yesterday? The producers are soooooo fucking clueless. I watched Benedict's porno today! His face was a picture. Has Caroline ever had sex before? I can only imagine how stuck up she is in bed. She probably does it with her knickers on. Why is Caroline wrinkling her nose at the word 'vagina'? She's like a 5 year old. Scott, don't pretend you've had sex either. I don't think this is really helping Benedict's case as it just makes him seem a bit creepy.
Boo hoo, someone messed with Luke's protein shake. I'm glad they showed that after the votes closed. Arron is SUCH a bad liar. I think Luke's going to turn into the Incredible Hulk.
'No one would want to inflict hatred' says Saint Caroline. She looks like a YETI. LOL they think Deana did it. Benedict, you crafty sod.
The stupid comment Deana made about periods was just a flippant comment. Lydia acted like a fucking banshee nutcases. Why are these people so scared of their own bodily functions, their vaginas, sex? It's actually a sad indictment of the repression of women in this country.
Lydia has gone too far this time, she's being an absolute fucking prick. It's funny when people accuse you of playing 'mind games' when they're actually a psychopath. However, what they didn't show there, but did show on BOTS was Shev also completely overreacting over it too. I'm seriously done with them now - complete knobs. More filler with this model crap. Let's just find out who's out.
Benedict's OUT. I'm fucking livid about this result. I seriously feel like stopping watching, because I can't actually stand anyone in there. Completely the wrong result. At least he admitted about the curry so Deana won't be blamed - nice parting shot.
I liked his chair exit. Would have been better if he'd thrown it onto the crowd, knocked out a couple of numbskulls and and increased the IQ of the nation. So I just looked on Digital Spy in the break and Caroline called Benedict a 'fucking wanker' as he walked out the door. Guess she DID know the word for that after all. I absolutely hate her guts. She's rotten to the core. I can't actually write what I'd like to do to her on here because I'll probably get my blog shut down. ARGH I'm so pissed off. I bet you a million pounds we don't see 5 minutes of Lauren next week. Just wait.
Benedict would have voted Caroline and Ashleigh. FFS we needed him in there. He really shot himself in the foot with that masturbation crap, didn't he. And it pisses me off that they keep going on about it; that's not all he was about. Oh yeah, I forgot Benedict had his vote grabbed off him, too. What a joke. The only person I like in that house now is Adam, and he does NOTHING. Lydia is entertaining but the second she gets put up, she's gone.
Why on earth would they get in trouble because Benedict took the chair? That was one of the coolest eviction exits ever. Fucking little babies, boo hoo, he broke the rules. Why are they so bothered about it? And then Conor THREATENING to hit him at the wrap party! Is that acceptable? OK with that are you Big Brother? Pow pow pow.
Arseholes, the lot of them. This is the earliest EVER that Big Brother has jumped the shark. I don't even feel like blogging anymore. Seriously, fuck every one of you that voted for Lauren. I bet you're the same donkeys who voted for Denise Welch to win. Utter gits.
Toodlepip.

Big Brother 13: We aren't scientists

It's Lydia's birthday! I'm going to count how many times we hear the word birthday after the opening credits. I read today that Caroline is favourite to win. If that's the case, just drive me to Beachy Head and topple me off because humanity is DOOMED.
Does Caroline ever stop whining? Benedict is one one today. He's just letting rip now, as well he might, because he could be leaving on Friday anyway. Might as well have a meltdown.
Birthday count: 16 (including the singing of Happy Birthday - don't they have to pay royalties for that?)
Caroline wants Benedict to go: another reason to vote for for him to stay - rub it in her fucking face.
Caroline bitching about Becky because Becky said 'we're the ugly sisters'. Why not just say, 'speak for yourself?'
I don't think we've seen Lauren once tonight so far. She must be providing top entertainmentz!
Benedict must know this task is a fake - it's obvious that you can't give someone 1,000 volts; even Arron could work that one out. I could see Lydia being in charge of the electric chair, couldn't you? 
I love Benedict reading out these questions. They stopped at 800 volts. I think they'd already be dead by then. I thought the lab rats acting was quite good. Well, you passed the task, but you would have been good little workers in the concentration camps.
You can't really have a go at someone for crying on their birthday: it's a tradition. You're allowed to act like a dick on your birthday and no one can say SHIT! That's the rules.
This is the real reason Caroline doesn't like Becky; because she takes her idiot sidekick Scott off her.
The two Luke's are really having a wrestle for alpha male status. But boofy Luke doesn't even know it's happening. I do think Luke A is threatened by Luke S's hyper-masculinity. But Luke S is just a cartoon character of a man, certainly nothing to aspire to.
Why would a man shave their arms? Why would a woman shave their arms? I think Lydia's come as Cruella De Vil.
Nomination talk revoked! It just makes BB look flaky, which they are. It's too late now, anyway, the damage has been done. Benedict is right to complain, they've shafted him good and proper.
Lydia: 'the whole day they haven't even said happy birthday.' LOL.
Can someone give Becky a mirror? Unless that orange tidemark round her chin is intentional?
Conor seems think Sisquo is a big star! Current references. Lydia's diary room sulk was funny. 'It's practically midnight.'
The Lydia masks is like some Aphex Twin shit. Nice mention of the 'hamburglar' there. Her speech was name-drop central.
Everyone must remember this top ASL hit! Er... no one can even dance to it.
Lydia's phonecall to ASL was like a hostage situation: 'marry me, have kids!' She didn't even let him speak! He didn't sound overly enamoured with her.
Does Arron wear that onesie when he goes to clubs? Does he ever wash it or just give it the Febreeze treatment?
Lauren looks good in that dress. It's not hard to see why the other girls are envious of her, is it?
Another weird ending! It's like they've forgotten how to end the show. You end it on a 'doof doof' like in Eastenders. Dur. If you like my blog and want to give me some virtual love, bung a vote to save Benedict. Between us, I reckon we've got more clout than ASL, right? Come on, together we can control the future-future-future!

Big Brother 13: Lab twats

Lab rat task! Let's rub shampoo in their eyes, please. Pass the electrodes.
'Pick the three most intelligent housemates.' The thickies wont mind, as long as they are voted most beautiful. They didn't pick too badly, actually. Scott looked irked. Benedict is being funny. How can you kick him out? HOW? I still don't believe he'll go. I have FAITH in the British public. Then I remember Denise Welch. Then I sob.
We interrupt this grief for a public service announcement! Scott: maybe people think you're stupid because of the company you keep. An intelligent person wouldn't align themselves with Aunt Sally and Peter Kay's mum, now would they?
Ashleigh will be good at this task as she's already got the genes and the tail. Meal of misfortune! Why are they always having a go at Deana for wanting to be on TV? They're Big Brother contestants! Isn't that the main requirement?
Lydia looks good in those glasses. Luke: not so much. That task wasn't very hard to work out. Lauren: 'I can't swallow bread.' For more of this oratory gold, keep her in.
Lydia's whipped out the birthday card! No not the birthday card, the 'it's my birthday' CARD. It's her birthday tomorrow so everyone do as she says! You can't invoke the birthday card the day before. Mind you, I do, I drag mine out for a good week.
Caroline slagging off her BFF, Becky! I done a sad. The others are moaning about Lydia playing the birthday card. They're bitching about so many people I can't keep track. I can't wait to see those idiots turn on each other. Preferably it will be cannibalism.
Benedict is playing up the cameras. Mind you, who can blame him. He might as well have a stab at it. He's calling out the sheeple. His DR editing comment was spot on, but I laughed so much my cat ran off.
Pizza and pythons. Shev does provide a bit of lightweight comedy, but she's just too fluffy for me. What are her motivations? What's going on in her head? What is her back story? I know NOTHING!
Luke panting during the burlesque task was quite funny. That lady was quite sexy. This isn't what Big Brother is about! Tawdry.
Does Ashleigh actually LIKE Justin Beiber? Is she 12? I find it creepy when grown women like the pop scamp and One Direction. This lookalike is RUBBISH.
Yes, Caroline, you are the token unattractive housemate. As well as the token posh girl, cow and hate figure. Stop going on about a sandwich being manhandled, it makes you sound demented.
What's Lydia's beef with Shev? Fucking hell, Lydia, pick your targets better. Shev isn't aggressive in the slightest, and I've not seen or heard her mention game.You, on the other hand...
Oh Lauren, stop crying, FFS. Do her a favour and evict her! What's the point in her? She's not so much wet blanket, as wet tarpaulin.
What has it got to do with Luke S what Lauren eats and what nutrients she's getting? It's none of your fucking business! Shut your mouth, you bouffant-oon. I can't stand people passing judgement on what other people eat. If it's not affecting you, what business is it of yours what other people shovel in their trap?
Is Ashleigh really going to shag him in there? Is she that desperate? Can't you wait a couple of months? 'Loved up'? You didn't even fancy him a week ago. She wants to see the package because it's all packaging and no substance. Luke S is like an Easter egg with no sweets in the middle: hollow. And she's less than that.
What is this party that Little Lord Fauntleroy has won? It's like some sinister dream.
Conor is quite literally gormless. He has no gorm. I don't want to live in a nation that prefers him over Benedict.
Of COURSE Scott will go along with the group; he's the king of the sheeple! Lydia is loving lording it over them on that task. Deana: acting lessons.
Benedict is doing dirty talk about horses! I want to watch one of his pornos. Links anyone?! He does a better sheep noise than Scott, that's for sure. I like Lydia's crab eyes, she's always scheming, even if she can't quite put the pieces together.
It's quite sad the way Lauren is determined to get in with that nasty gang, when the 'intelligent' gang accepted her anyway. Please don't keep Lauren in! She's such a whiny bitch! She's completely pointless. 
Rat mask sex play! Someone get the arsenic. You're not the one for me, ratty.
Caroline thinks she's got it bad: what about when they stuck Lady Sovereign (where's she these days?) in Basshunter's cabinet drawer and tortured her with his music for an entire evening. That was devilish genius. That was one of the best tasks/ punishments of all time.
Caroline can't bear to be on her own in case she misses out on some 'fun'. Despite all her rage, she is still just a rat in a cage. How can you sleep with the light on like that? I love her being tortured. Next time, dissect her and all who sail in her! Even PETA wouldn't come out to save that toffee-nosed twit.

Big Brother 13: I fucking hate my best mates

Well, I know who's up now and I'm not happy. Obviously I want Lauren to go, but will she? I looked on Digital Spy and there seems to be no support for Benedict. I thought he'd be like a divisive Aaron-from-last-year character, but people either think he's pompous or are annoyed about masturbate-gate. I couldn't really give two fucks about that. I just want someone with half a brain to stay in the house. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, what does Lauren actually offer the house? She cries, she gets bullied (a bit), she cries. She looks rough, then she looks gorgeous. That's about it.
'Who will nominate whom?' Is that grammatically correct?
I feel a bit sorry for drippy Deana, but why wasn't she put up? Why wasn't Becky, Arron, Caroline?
Arron is getting on my LAST NERVE. He's just a penis in sweatwear. I wonder why Deana never smiles or laughs, living in that funbox?
Caroline's leg placement in the DR makes her look like she's got a little pot belly. 'Violated'? Be careful what words you're throwing round there, Jemima, because that's a strong one. Was she just wishing death on Lauren or silence? Just lock Caroline in the Diary Room with a couple of disposable barbeques, do the human race a favour.
LOL to Arron saying Benedict was 10 on the boring scale. The trouble with Benedict is he's too 'teachery' and it gets on people's wick. I thought Arron dealt with it quite well, to an extent.
I LOVE it when Lydia rears up. She's giving it 'nonononononono'. Thanks for giving Arron a chance, Lydia! Enjoying that breakfast, Lydia? Lydia: 'if that's the way you want to play it..' Threats! Charlie Big Potato talk.
Lydia's been around the world and she, she, she has seen more than you, little boy! Oh, I wondered how long it would be before ages were brought into it. 'I'm 23!' Fucking hell man, you're hardly Patrick Moore. Her cage looked duly rattled to me, especially when she had a little cry afterwards.  Do not show weakness, Lydia-bot. Stay strong.
Is it your sister's funeral today, Scott? Enjoying your time in the house? Little git.
Why is DEANA nominating Lauren?! She's in your alliance, you fucking thicko. WEAK gameplay. They are taking themselves out. Idiocy!
Adam, Conor and Shev are the ULTIMATE floaters. They'll be there on final night, mark my words.
If Lauren stays over Benedict it will be such a travesty. She brings nothing to the house. Her nominations were stupid. Go for the big guns, not idiots like Sara, she's nothing! She's not worth a vote.
Ashleigh: 'Benedict talks a lot of shit.' Not as much as you, Splinter. Becky: are you still there? Stop being so bubbly. Her bullshit reasons for nominating Lauren. She might as well have just been honest and gone, 'I've been told to.'
Lauren's got her childhood teddy with her. If that's not enough reason to evict her, then what is?
Luke S's nominations were quite pointless too, his game is all over the place. Do SOMETHING. The trouble with him is he played his cards WAY too early. He was over before he even began. He could still be stringing it out for another month.
Luke vs Luke. Luke on Deana, 'you have to ask her a question and then tell her the answer.' Patronising much? Shev is also nominating her own side, too. Zzz.
Lauren's having a loo cry. Scott either didn't notice or didn't want to notice. Why DO they all hate Lauren so much? Maybe there is some real reason that they're just not showing? How come EVERYONE'S got it in for her? I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of the puzzle. Either that or she's a professional victim. But I feel like it's just bad editing.
Conor: 'whenever the camera's on..' The camera's always on, you chimp. A couple of people are onto Lydia, now. I really wish Deana had been up.
Adam's nominations were good; perhaps he should have twisted some arms to get people to nominate the same way as him?
How can people want to live there with Caroline, Scott, Arron, Sara, Becky etc over Lauren and Benedict? Am I on a different planet? as Jeremy Kyle opines.
Arron: 'I fucking hate my best mates. I'm going to go through life not knowing too much about myself.' What a strange thing to admit, especially to Luke who has obviously fought so hard to realise himself. Arron, pick a personality, for God's sake. Stop being a pranker.
Lauren's got some impressive eyebrows going on. The smaller group are now ripe for the picking. They are going to get destroyed each week, just as happens on BBUSA. Except on BBUSA at least they get a chance to get themselves 'off the block'.  Luke is seething! He's right to. They should have organised their votes better!
Sara is so FAKE! She's such a drama queen. I wish she'd just get hold of herself. Conor is shit stirring! I hate this alliance of Becky, Conor, Luke S, Scott, Sara, Caroline and Ashleigh. I can't stand any of them. What's going on with Luke's hair? He's got a proper bouffant.
ASL will be supporting Benedict! Well that's one vote. Assuming he's got the 33p to call in.
Benedict is doing one of his gurny sermons in the DR. There's always one trying to educate them in there. It never works.
Lydia is doing some strategy talk. She's doing some mega eye rolls. NOW she's strategising. It's too fucking late! There's a hole in your alliance bigger than the Titanic. It's a numbers game, and you're fucked.
Shev is 'devastated' that Lauren is up. If you hadn't VOTED AGAINST YOUR OWN ALLIANCE she wouldn't be. God, I feel like shaking these people. And so does Lydia. She's twitching BAD. It's going to take some brains to turn this one around. Luckily, she's the girl for the job.

Big Brother 13: Ejacul-gate

Oh Christ, are we going to have to talk about ejaculation all day again? This music they're playing over Benedict's DR speech is funny. I think Benedict could be crossing the line from intriguing to creepy. Peeing on yourself doesn't keep you warm! That's like Bear Grylls levels of survival tactic rationale.
Arron has really got a stick up his arse about Deana, hasn't he? Why does she annoy him so much? I think it's because she's inscrutable and he doesn't even know what inscrutable means.
If it's not love... then it's the bomb that will bring us together. Or not. Are they just doing this task so they can play that naff Kylie song (probably her worst in two decades)?
LOL to Caroline saying she wanted the timebomb and then finding out she had to eat a fish eye. Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Just think of it as caviar, you horsey cunt. Boo hoo.'I don't think it was a real fish eye.' Well, what the hell was it? A really rotten gobstopper?
It's quite telling that Arron and Caroline ate Deana's chocolates as they're the biggest dickheads in the house. Who else would take something that belongs to someone else? Looks like Arron is actually bullying Deana now. Are you glad you saved this little twonk over Chris? Are you???Arron is a terrible liar. Lydia; 'two can play that game.' Quite.
I'm really worried that the idiot-contingent in the house is going to get the upper hand this week, especially with Benedict not being able to nominate. Did Benedict call Ashleigh a 'spoilt brat' or a 'spoilt rat'? Never mind.
It's big of Queen Lydia to want to give Arron a chance, isn't it? She's right though, Arron's gotsta go.
How's Adam going to go to the loo with those massive hands? I hope they make Sara use that toothbrush afterwards. Luke: not in the least bit sexy to me. Just dull, dull, dull. I don't even dislike him! How dull can you get?
Benedict wants a 'quiet word with Caroline later'. Always ominous. Oh, grow up, Caroline, you stitched up little idiot. Someone is trying to talk to you like an adult and you're tittering like a 6-year-old who's just seen 'boobies' written upside down in a calculator for the first time. I hate her SOOOOOOO much. Please let her be up this week. Please. Please!
We ARE conditioned to be prudes, and it's something that should be challenged. Put her on a course of 200 Dan Savage podcasts and she'll be sorted. It's almost like Becky and Lydia are PROUD to be repressed. What are you shocked about Lydia? Lydia is trying so hard to be non-sexual and non-threatening and it is so FAKE. If you do nominate Benedict, you'll be more vulnerable than ever, so use your head, Lydia, because the giggling little ninnies are NOT on your side, and nor are the general public, and nor will I be if you don't watch it.
Scott's moment of revelation: 'I look like a sordid creep.' Well, I didn't like to say...
Benedict; listen! Deana says she's offended, so she's offended, you don't get to decide that. Even so, Lydia and Deana are wrong. No one is asking you to be 'part of his message.' You can't control what comes out of his mouth; or out of the end of his dick, actually.
I'll take you to the candy shop! I'll let you lick my lollipop. I don't think I could eat that many sweets without being sick. Like maybe three bags or so but no more.
Benedict strikes back! His drawing attention to the other side of the house was quite good. It's like the nomination timebomb and he is passing it on. I can't really call the nominations because there are so many twats in that house. It could be three or four up this week if people vote smart.
Caroline: 'you mean well.' You patronising, spoilt little madam. I'd really like to punch her in the face, and I don't advocate violence (ha).
They're all running amok in the bedroom! Do you think Lydia talks to ASL like that? Course she does! Arron, way to get nominated, you little div. Sweet dreams!

Big Brother 13: Hip hop hula hoops

Last night Scott consumed much more than he can hold. He looks bleary eyed.
You never usually see Benedict in the Diary Room, do you? Not enough of Benedict, full stop. Uh oh, is Scott plotting against Benedict? Nooooo.
Caroline's dad said an orgy was 'a special cuddle.' Did he say that thing digging into her when she sat on his lap was his pet snake, too?
Scott finds Benedict condescending. That's a bit like him saying he finds Caroline a bit too posh. I like people who go on as if they know everything. Those are the best sort of people. 'Who wants to not be liked?' asks Lydia. Answer: Morrissey.
The way Sara's group constantly say, 'I do like Lauren' suggests otherwise. The are like the mean girls and we all know what happened to the Heathers.
Deana and Conor were quite going for it in the dance-off. Lydia is in her element being judge, but BB are just giving her that role to make her more hated. The faces whilst the dances are going on are the best.
Shev proving not all black people can dance. I think Lydia is just voting for people she wants to come to her party. Benedict is doing some dirty dancing! Lydia is just voting for all the girls! Ashleigh: a rat in wet-look leggings. Adam was pissed off he didn't get through, I think.
Pow pow pow! Alexandria got throw out for that, didn't she? Careful with your gun mimes in that house, people. The odd pellet gun is fine, but you start busting out some Uzi-moves and you'll be out on your ear. My boyfriend said Caroline reminds her of Emily who said the n word and got booted; I personally think Caroline is more loathesome. At least Emily claimed to have discovered indie music. What has Caroline ever done? My boyfriend also said that Luke S is going to float through to the end and he's quite right. But I don't see him winning it. Shev will also float quite a way, I think.
I hope whoever voted Becky into that house is pleased with themselves. She's just useless and looking to target people I like in there.
Conor: 'Arron has my sense of humour.' Yes. Yes, he does.
Benedict needs to watch himself, I think. He could be up for nomination is he's not careful. Is there enough of these people saying they're going to vote for Benedict and Deana to make it count? I tend to think of that group as weaker, but it only takes a couple of defectors and the whole house can turn on a dime (BBUSA speak™).
Nominating someone for ejaculating in the shower is so stupid. The whole point of the shower is that stuff gets washed away. Besides, didn't we go through all that about a decade ago with Alex Sibley?
What are hip hop snacks? Eminems? *deadpan*
Apparently you are allowed to say, 'n*****' in the Big Brother house as long as you're singing along to Kanye West. Pop racism is just FINE.
Haves cannot stand us have-nots. Caroline keeps giving clunking, pointless anecdotes about her childhood that no one's interested in. Caroline is not used to getting what she wants; she's like Veruca Salt having a meltdown. Caroline likes to 'get crunk'. What does that mean? It sounds like a type of drug. I wish she'd fuck off. 'I've not spoke to Luke A in two weeks.' Is it because he's not shallow enough for you? Too many layers?
They are hiding Deana's epilator. Bullies etc. I don't even know what an epilator is. But I do know that a razor will do. Who's choccy is Arron eating? Becky, I'm not sure those stripes are doing you any favours.
God, not another slag off session about Lauren. Why does everyone hate her so much? She's neither here nor there. She does seem like a little bit of an 'easy target'. Ashleigh slagging off Lauren seems a bit like HER insecurity to me. Something about Lauren threatens her. I think it's her looks.
Stop talking with your toothbrushes in your mouth, Scaroline. What a vile pair. Oh well, at least I can't be accused of favouring the poshos this year.
Lydia trying to get Benedict into line! Love it. He's just an exhibitionist, basically. Let's face it; they're all trying to find themselves. It's just some of them are looking in the wrong place (fortune cookie blog ending).

Big Brother 13: Obviously you're a human being

Warning: Big Brother may have recycled ideas, fake romances and tedious arguments. But at least it doesn't have Chris anymore. Actually, that might not be a good thing.
Spot picking; gross when you're doing it to yourself, let alone other people.
The fact Caroline was so excited about cream tea as a prize means she is super posh. I don't even know what 'high tea' is. Isn't it when someone makes you a cup of tea as 'mind sellotape' at 5am in the morning after a big night out? There's obviously nothing happening in the house if BB is having to engineer faux drama like this. Tiresome.
That's my girl, Lydia, complaining about someone touching her feet. NO ONE touches my feet. I would rather go out with a necrophiliac than a foot fetishist. 'Inappropriate': Lydia's got the HR speak going on, she's probably been hanging out with Faye Tozer. Lydia: 'I'm very astute like that.' Astute people don't say such things. Still, I'd rather be in hers and Deana's gang than the boarding school trilogy.
Seriously, if they keep going on about the Queen on BB I'm going to stop watching this shit. When Rodrigo did it, it was cute. This is getting borderline sinister.
I hate seeing Becky gloating about Chris going, because he was ten times more entertaining than her. At least that's who he is; I don't believe we're seeing her real personality. Caroline gloating about him being gone was really unbecoming. Have you heard of tact? I'm glad Lydia went and had a quiet word in her ear. Lydia doesn't sit on the fence, and she's not backward in coming forward. That's why I like her. I can clearly see where the house divides now and I know where my loyalties lie. I also think the numbers are on our side, although I might be wrong. It helps that our side has half a brain, so they can engineer nominations if they're smart.
Why is Lauren all over Arron all of a sudden? Must be the onesie.
Lydia is putting Adam in his place. The trouble is, they never really showed what Adam did, so it just makes Lydia look like a prick. The editing seems a little lopsided. I think she's very wise to tell him where he stands; a lot of girls wouldn't feel confident to do that and it's something to be admired, although she did over-egg it in the DR.
Sniffing the Chris pillow! Yuck. Deana's face when Scott was saying he fancied Arron was hilarious. 'Do you like his personality?' I don't think he could give a shit about his personality, Deana. Scott doesn't like shallow and bitchy gay men *self-hating*.
Did that Daily Star advert just say 'a Sunday paper you can trust?' Surely that breaches trading standards in some way?
Becky passing judgement on Ashleigh; what's it got to do with you, exactly? Put a sock in it. Now they're all having a slag off session in the hot tub.
Conor: 'so you're bisexual?' Benedict: 'no, I'm a human being.' Conor: 'well, obviously you're a human being.' That's the smartest thing he's said in there. Benedict, you're bisexual, deal with it. Conor can't understand this Morrissey-esque ambiguity. Break it down to him in simple terms. Cock or vagina or both, capiche?
Lydia is steering those nominations hard. 'We'll give Arron a week off,' she decrees. Whatever it takes to keep herself of the block. I'd love to see more of those late night chats and plotting. Really hope Becky or Caroline goes this week. Rah! 

Big Brother 13: Bailed out

Strangely, my household is now rooting for Chris to stay. He's so bad he's good; and I'd love to see him think that the public love his chubby little chops and then get a HUGE wake up call. I can't actually bring myself to vote for him though; that's a decision I could end up regretting.
Sometimes I wish Brian Belo was hosting instead. Maybe they could do a job swap just for one week. Not sure what Brian Belo does, though. But I'll always remember that moment he fell of a chair on Celeb Come Dine With Me because he was so appalled that someone said Dannii Minogue was attractive. Classic.
So I heard it was Scott's sister who died. He's either got a heart of stone, she'd had a very long illness and it was for the best, or they weren't close. I hope it's one of the latter. Either way, you think he'd want to go to the funeral? Give his mum a cuddle? Oh I don't know, family situations are weird. But that just feels inherently wrong.
Shopping list times! I'm not surprised to see that chalk in Lydia's hand. 'Did you say 500 bananas?' etc.
Arron to Chris: 'we shouldn't be up.' Democracy says otherwise. Keep Chris in just to annoy horsey cow. What's with all the dip dye hair? Has someone gone crazy with Harry's old food colouring?
I can't stand Lauren but I'm glad they've seen through Becky. Arron thinks he's funnier than Chris! Non. Chris is offering meat and banter. I'll give both a miss, thanks.
Arron's sister's looking a little orange. 'There's loads about Arron nobody knows.' I doubt it. He's got less depth than a shot of vodka. Chris's mum seems to be wearing a dead ostrich.
The public do NOT want to see showmances. Real relationships that build up over time; yes. Showmance; no. One of the best romances (apart from Helen and Paul) was Chantelle and Preston. Even though he was a douche and had a girlfriend, there was something genuinely touching about them falling for each other. It's sad to see what she's become, a mini-Jordan without the humour (I know, as is it could be possible). I miss her straggly blonde hair and day-glo lipstick.
Shopping list gate. They got a luxury budget and they're still not happy. They overspent by £147! LOL. Chris is pissed cos there's no crisps. You can't blame him.
I'm surprised Ashleigh is giving Luke the brush off as I personally think he's way out of her league (not that I believe in leagues, but you know, he appears to be half intelligent). She's a little idiot. I can't stand girls who are only interested in blokes who aren't interested in them and all of that gameplaying bullshit. Fuck that shit.
Caroline: 'she's got the best body in the world, but not better than yours.' Er...
Why is Luke shaving his bits in front of everyone? Groo.
Caroline: 'Ashleigh is overflowing with charisma.' You're overflowing with bullshit. This Ashleigh/ Lauren/ Caroline trilogy is like some boarding school nonsense. It's like Enid Blyton. What if Lauren does like Luke? Ashleigh's already cast him asunder. Why did Lauren tell Ashleigh that she put Luke up for nomination? How long before Luke finds out? I give it 20 minutes.
LOL Chris is from Luton. No wonder he's such a cunt. The only worse place to come from than that is Corby.
See Chris sit down when he got that cheer? Don't sit down too, soon, fatte. Look at him in his cardy. He's getting about 10 times more cheers than Aaron did when he won it. Mad world.
How did they hear about how many followers Aaron has got on Twitter? Was Scott checking that out as he grieved?
Chris's interview was alright. I think he did go a little too soon. But he was bugging. I wanted to use 'Chris pissed-off-urgh-gone' for my title but my boyfriend said it didn't make sense. Anyone? Anyone?
That little taster of live feed at the end is a tease. I miss the off-the-cuff moments. I'm looking forward to BBUSA and The Glass House and unbridled voyeurism. John De Mol knows how to make a reality show. And a quiz show. Ha, Emma Willis just called Chris 'bubbly'. Enough said.

Big Brother 13: The Sara smashing

Sorry I’m late, was doing some market research and they didn’t even have cans of coke or sandwiches, chocolate and crisps like they normally do. They just had water. WTF. This is the recession in action.

Morrissey once sang, ‘hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha’. Not so in the Big Brother house. Long faces all round.Benedict veiny leg cam – ew.

I was surprised to see Luke say he was interested in Ashleigh when his body language screams otherwise. When he said ‘watch this space’ and drummed his fingers that seemed like classic leakage. He’s always peering over her shoulder, too. I think it's just Big Brother brain™ (writing credit to the Irrepressible Dark Horse.)

I don't think Lauren is sexy at all. Adam: 'if it was just a smash.' about hypothetically shagging Sara: charmed, I'm sure. I hope we're not going to have 'hanging out the back of it' talk next, I haven't got the stomach for it.

Sara: 'I'm a Christian.' A Christian and a fucking Royalist; I don't know which is stupider. Benedict speaking the truth; that's another vote against him next week. Religion is a relationship you have with an imaginary being. It's a form of institutionalised insanity and shouldn't be humoured in the 21st century.

I love the fact they ended the task on Scott's mysterious 'loved one' dying so they couldn't even enjoy a good belly laugh. At least he won't be able to read the papers whilst he's out, because no papers write about BB anymore. It's good they didn't show him being told, like they did with Jade getting her death sentence in the Indian BB (tasteful). Chris is showing massive disrespect to a matter they know nothing about by simply stepping into the garden. In other cultures he'd be lynched for that, or at least have his TV taken away.

Scott was back quick. Who died, I want to know? 'A family thing'? WTF, I hate this, 'something big's happened but I'm not telling you what.' Piss off. It's Big Brother. I demand your life on a plate, that's what you signed up for.

I like Caroline's foxy cardigan even though she's probably made it out of fox fur that she's killed in a pack with Tarquin and Julian. Spiffing.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ashleigh and Luke fucked in there. Adam saying he'd have a wank to it! Dirty dog.

Can Chris even read? I don't know why he's looking happy about passing the task, he won't be around to eat that nosh. The slow-mo as Chris took off his shirt was brill. 

Does Adam straighten his hair? Men shouldn't be allowed to use straighteners. Caroline is so fucking rough. I just think she's a nasty person. I'd rather hang out with Chris and Arron than spend a second in her company.

This Chris/ Caroline thing is the very definition of MINT BANTER ie. tedious bullshit and it's going on for way too long. Chris wants to be a millionaire 'in bailiffing'. So he wants to steal a million pounds off other people? He's worse than the coughing Major. 

Big Brother's got the washing machine and the disco balls out! Whoop whoop. Paaaaaaaaarty. That's some groovy dancing going on there.

Scott is a completely unsympathetic character, even in grief. I just remembered, he came out in the house, didn't he? Wonder what his family said about that? They probably took him out of the house to give him a tell off and say they were cutting him out of the will.

Why is Caroline getting so much airtime tonight? I can't stand her! I can just picture her at 50 in the WI, sneering at her neighbours. She's the ghastly one. Having to hang out with the common people, are you? Get to fuck.

Uh oh, has Chris had a drink? He's having a go at Becky for EATING. For reals? You've got MOOBS. Lydia's giving the witches' pot a quick stir. Not enough of Lydia or Benedict in the edit tonight.

The Queen probably DOESN'T poo, because she's not human, she's reptilian. Actually, I'm no Chris Packham, but I think even reptiles poo. Do we have to constantly talk about The Queen? It's tragic.
Ashleigh reminds me of my little sort-of stepsister who's a proper skinny little Essex girl. She's kind of one-dimensional but happy in her own little bubble. Don't worry, Ashleigh, Luke doesn't like you. Is Conor wearing Terry Wagwan's toupee? What exactly does he bring to the house? He's just like a lump of wood. 

What is Ashleigh going on about?! Meltdown. Is it her time of the month (sexist)? I think it's just the house getting to her. This house will drag you down.

OMG just saw Rodrigo's alter-ego on BOTS. The legs! My boyfriend goes, 'isn't this just a cheap way of having the same guest on two nights in a row?' Fair point.

Right, I've got a date with the Land of Nod. Who shall we evict tomorrow? I can't decide. You decide! 

Big Brother 13: Just say LOL

Shev is getting on my nerves a bit now, she's coming off a bit contrived. Saying you hate clowns is like saying you hate hospitals, or like breathing. We've all seen IT. Not exactly a revelation. Did she just get groped by a cuddly toy. Gross. She's playing up to the cameras today.
So the shopping task is no laughing or smirking. I think Adam smirked already. It's a bit cruel not being allowed to laugh because it means you basically can't be happy. I know this because I got told off for my laugh at work once.
Chris is getting clown rage. Lydia doesn't look too happy, either.
Luke S has got can't-laugh-tourettes. I do like Luke. I just don't like the company he keeps.
Good idea to talk about Schindler's List to stop the giggles. It IS a bit of a buzz kill (so i've heard, I can't watch things like that, I cry at pictures of LOL cats).
Arron's toilet roll outfit makes a change from looking at his weedy body. Chris is like a bear with a sore head, a sagging, flabby chest and an inferiority complex. 
Here's a good antidote to laughing; having an argument. Becky: 'I've smelt the coffee.' Gross, isn't it? The smell of coffee is one of the most disgusting smells on the planet. I can't go within 500 meters of a Starbucks.
Anyone would look 'this big' next to Chris. Even Becky. Becky just laughed at him, whoops. Basically Big Brother just makes up whether they've failed or passed at the end. Unless they tell you at the beginning how many fails they're allowed and unless it's about a thousand, they've failed. What a farce. Where's Deal or No Deal's independent adjudicator when you need her?
Becky: 'he's incredugly.' Leave the laboured puns to me! Scott's perving over Arron is another good reason to get rid of Arron. And get rid of Scott next week.
Are they REALLY digging out the electric shock costumes again? Fucking hell, man, they've been recycled more than Sugababes members' heads. Adam and Luke S really can't do it, can they?! They keep having to cover their mouths or bite their fists. Chris. Put a top on, please.
Arron loves the attention of wearing the PVC pants. He's actually being quite a good sport. The problem with this show tonight is that because they can't laugh, I feel we can't laugh. It's a downer.
Why is Arron starting a row when he's wearing that outfit? Why is he telling people what to drink? If anyone needs to be told not to drink it's Sara #godsavethequeen.
I could easily not laugh at comedy. More contact with the outside world. Sigh. I recognise this comedian. I think he might have tried to have sex with my friend, but that might be someone else. It's one of that sort.
I laughed uproariously at 'you're not a well, you're a person.' That's my level. What accent is that? Is this racist or not? This is the strangest stand up ever.
Should be quite easy not to laugh at Keith and Orville. Clapping instead of laughing is really weird; like a Gattaca-esque future. It's like us after the proper microchipping. Moon control!
Arron is going to get thrush from those panties. I can't hear the words 'the joke's on me' without thinking of Stephen Baldwin. Now, HE was a housemate.
Lydia: 'if ASL was here now, he's just be chatting with us normally.' Well, I should think so, he is your boyfriend! What's he going to do, sit there throwing £50 notes around and doing a falsetto?
Does Schindler's List have a 'theme tune'? I have no idea why Arron picked on Deana either.
Why didn't they show Like and Ashleigh's kiss? They've showed people in the toilets before. Maybe one of them was weeing at the same time. That's the ultimate way not to get your BB sex romp showed on TV: do it in the toilet and involve scat.
Adam has got Becky SUSSED. This is going to get back to Becky. Ah, she just walked in at the end.
Why has Luke permanently got his gob open? He's catching flies. I think he could have a situation on his hands with Ashleigh if he's not careful.
Lauren doesn't listen, and Shev isn't real. Deana has shown her teeth a couple of times, but I still find her quite drippy.
Not a sterling show tonight. I'll be a little late blogging tomorrow as I've got to go to dreaded central London to get handed £50 in a sealed envelope. No I'm not a drug dealer, I'm doing a focus group. See you around midnight...

Big Brother 13: Rebel Bell-end

First nominations! As usual I've spoilerised myself with BOTS. But if it's not BOTS it's Digital Spy and if it's not Digital Spy it's a friend on Facebook, so what can you do except stop watching Big Brother because you're now 32 and it's got shoddy production values? Not on your nelly.
Phil Collins wake up music! That's a bit unnecessary.
Chris has got no game. He's got zip strategy. He's got less strategy than the dude on BBUSA one year who had his strategy drawn in crayons on a bit of paper and then got voted out the first week.
I think you'll find it IS all about Lydia, Becky. And rather her than your unfunny Peter Kay schtick. If we do have to have a female version of a male comedian in there, lets have Morgana off Very Important People doing Russell Brand. Much more pleasing to the eye and ear.
Shev thinks Chris would buy you lobster and venison on a date. I think you'd be more likely to get a KFC bucket. Do they think he's got cash or something? He does dogshit jobs and dogshit jobs pay dogshit money. And he eats dogshit food that have made him look like a fat piece of shit, so let's not beat around the bush (I had a KFC tonight, btw, fucking lush).
Deana, stop thinking too much! It's not allowed in there. I don't blame Pastel Luke for nominating Chris; he behaved appallingly to him. Those chairs that Chris and Luke A are sitting on look nice and comfy.
Caroline, YOU look unhygienic. TMI about Chris on the loo. I can't stand this dick. Snooty scarecrow slug. Her, Scott and Becky don't have a braincell between them.
Benedict is such an exhibitionist pretending to have a wank in the bath. He's all talk, though, bet he's got a little one.
Adam nominated Ashleigh for making a mess. He's the Vinnie Jones of the house, but nice.I couldn't be less interested in anything Conor says or does. He's just an accent.
This religious chat is amaze. 'Who did God have sex with?' Fucking dimlo. That's bollocks that no one can be called Jesus, I used to know someone who's real name was Jesus Jones (and he wasn't the singer) so stop talking rot, Conor.
Benedict does this thing with his jaw that reminds me of Morrissey, it's like a combined chin jut/ teeth clench. I think he talks a little like Morrissey, too. I like Benedict calling Scott a 'pompous idiot'. I'm glad he nominated Sara for her royal family nonsense.
Scott did quite a good impression of Benedict. Quite interesting that they hate each other. Could be fun. I hate the way Scott talks; like a Bond villain.
Chris: 'all muscle'? God, I know he's good value because he just talks such crap but I can't help wanting him out. I just can't BEAR him.
Arron has principles? I'm glad Arron is coming unstuck. I never thought he'd be such a big target this early. So Lauren just nominated Luke S because she fancies him. Then she comes out and is all over him. She's flakier than a dandruff ad.
I wish we could have a double eviction this week, Arron: pack up your pastel hoodies and get to fuck! Then they should get someone in to hoof Chris out, like he does people's belongings out of their tiny homes.
These Royal family nominations might just be the stupidest thing I've ever seen on BB. I think Sara might be clinically insane.
Luke is nominating Luke. Yeah, he don't want to be Luke A no more. Oust Luke and he can be King of the Lukes. Bhahaha.
I like whoever called Arron a 'little rascal'. He's a little scamp, isn't he. Look at him do his rubbish Justin Beiber hair before he goes in the DR. HARDCORE, you know the score.
Sara got quite a lot of nominations, really. Arron is not interested in getting to know a FTM transsexual. He's got a fringe to rearrange and pastel hoodies to put on and take off again (leaving enough time for you to admire his youthful torso in between). Don't you get it?
So happy to see two boys up. I'm fed up of all the girls getting the push early.
I like BB fucking with Arron for his staircase 'rebellion'. Lightgate. Arron is the anti-Belinda Carlisle. Leave a light off for me! I couldn't cope with someone controlling my lighting. I'm VERY particular about lighting. I need lighting to my exact requirements at all times. I also need the remote control at all times. I even start messing with the lighting and remote control in other people's houses. Bad guest.
Shev: 'this is involved shit.' Why does she like Chris so much? What's to like? Adam is huffing about the lights. Let there be night!
Arron looks like he's got rouge on. Not blusher; ROUGE. He's SO HAPPY to be nominated. He can go up them stairs legit on Friday. Arron: 'if I stay the public love me.' Hardly. They just hate Chris.
I'm not going to nominate this week. Let the chips fall where they may. Either result is a winner.
AD BREAK: The ironic part of that sexist Yorkie ad is that it is WOMEN who have to carry ten million bags back from the shops, not men. Choco-fail. And that's not sexist of me to say that; it's just plain FACT.
Arron's having a crack up. The only thing I will say in his defence is he is about 12. And boys are immature at that age. Give him five years and wait for his balls to drop and he might be Ok. He's just a typical big-headed teenager right now.
Luke, you creep. Feeling boobs and promising to show someone your one massive ball. What a smoothie.
Why don't they show more BENEDICT? Is that Just for Men shampoo in the shower?
Arron and Chris: you have reaped exactly what you've sewn. Now take it like a MAN. Go eat a fucking Yorkie or something, you pricks.

Big Brother 13: Royal-pissed

I was liking Shev until she said 'embarrassment.com' and then it made me think of A.Burke (never a good thing). Chris is desperately trying to take the heat off him: 'your real personality will come out now and again' - yeah, we noticed that the other night, you frog-voiced fuck.
I'm not sure that Lauren is 'too nice'. I find her quite irritating. She's nicey-nicey but that's something different.
Lydia is stirring that pot up GOOD. I hope she stays in. My boyfriend reckons all the big characters are going to go after each other and we're going to be left with dullards. It's possible.
Is Becky's boring story about unbranded foods really a 'highlight'? If so, we really are screwed.
Arron and Adam are both saying they're not going to be 'sheeple' and nominate with the group. We'll see. Oh no, Adam's told Chris they can talk about noms. Boo.
Interesting that Benedict said Lydia was his favourite housemate. Adam is very popular, which is not surprising. Deana and Becky are an odd couple. Deana gives nothing away; Becky gives it all away. Deana is being weird about finding out about the task. Becky does actually like you, it's not a game. Don't be nasty to her; what could she do? Becky shouldn't apologise for being nice to someone.
I hate Caroline. Her two-person alliance with Scott is going to be vulnerable; two people is not enough to protect you; I've seen it too many times. They need another recruit but they're too odious. I find Scott quite creepy, which is a shame, as normally I can't get enough of a posh gay guy.
Is Becky just ignoring Deana now? If so, that is low. I thought she genuinely did like her. I'd be deflated, too.
Ashleigh's not going to pass herself off as Californian with those gnashers. PS: Anyone can do an American accent; ANYONE.
They don't show enough of Benedict. Although at the exact moment he said, 'Deana was upset cos it was her time of the month.' which was a bit saddening.
Why is Scott having a go at Deana? Not enough attention on him. Maybe Deana is weaker than I thought. Becky is being quite insensitive, I think. She's got what she wanted and it seems like she doesn't give a fuck, now.
Lauren has a canny knack of knowing when people are talking about her and sticking her oar right in. Has she got bat hearing? Whispering under a rug (whilst Lydia's trying to make toast) in the kitchen is pretty pathetic. Why don't they go somewhere private and talk? Where's the love nest/ den?
Becky reminds me of Kat (happy, happy house) in that she tries to come over so loveable, but I suspect she might be rotten inside. Someone like that can easily win it; just look at Denise Welch (no don't, she's probably got her rotten knockers out).
I think Lydia is my favourite. I like the fact she doesn't sit on the fence, she gets indignant all the time, and she stands up for people and herself. She reminds me of Bidisha in a way, in that she just grates on some people, but I can't help wanting to support her.
Deana is not happy with the 'sausage situation'. She seems a bit wet. I think you have to be a bit tougher to survive in that house.
Why is Sara banging on about the Queen being so wonderful? 'She is 86 and still works?' She's also a multi-fucking-millionaire who has been born into privilege and has someone WEAR IN HER SHOES FOR HER and can't even be bothered to SMILE ONCE AT A FOUR DAY PARTY FOR HER. And she's a lizard who drinks babies blood, but that goes without saying. STFU, Sara, you just lost my vote forever. She's either very drunk or insane. It certainly didn't do much for her credibility. Sara and Lauren can both go fuck a duck, to be honest. Toothy turnips and about as reliable as the Big Brother producers.
Lydia is so good in the Diary Room. I'd love to see her go head to head with Michelle Heaton. About 3 people said she was their favourite person in the house. But one false move and she'll be a goner; the public will eat her alive. PS: God fuck the Queen. And football. Goodnight.

Big Brother 13: The hunger gripes

Hungry, Chris? Time for some humble pie. Don't change your 'perspection' of Chris, even though it's clear when he drinks he becomes psychotic. Apart from that he's been such a charming housemate. Just look at all the good things he's done like... er...
Adam seems alright - he seems quite chilled out. Chris is continuing his round of shit-eating. Benedict is talking about his schlong.
I quite like Becky's dress, but she is basically just Peter Kay in a drag. She said 'Deana is funny'. Really? She's no Doug Stanhope. Becky is getting on my wick, I must admit. She's just too OTT.
Lydia: 'I'm astute, I'm quite sharp.' You showed otherwise last week. I hate people who are like 'I'm this, I'm that.' I'LL decide what you're are, thanks.
Chris fingering his armpit, then sniffing his finger was a true delight. I hope he goes to make them all a lovely meal now. Arron's middle name is 'I'm not gonna lie'. He's like fucking Robin Hood stealing that banger for Chris. Sausage surprise!
There's a lot of Fair Isle knit in that house. That onesie is really getting on my nerves. It must stink by now. Ooh, Arron baby, you're so hot in your onesie, let me unzip it and get your sweaty, stinky and probably tiny cock out, I don't think. I'd like to see Arron vs Chris. Let's get some boys out for once.
Lauren seems a bit annoying but I can't quite put my finger on why yet.
I hate it when they talk about noms! Conor and Luke are making an alliance! The pastel hoodie alliance. Lydia is shoehorning her way into their gang. Ruthless! The uneasy alliance.
Now Lydia's doing some eavesdropping! I like her style, she's a playing a shrewd game. Lydia was thrilled when she realised they weren't talking about her. I like Lauren just storming in on the toilet tittle-tattle; that takes balls, I might have sat on it. But I can't work out what this argument's about.
'I was going to nominate her over a sausage.' Confront her? About what? Sausages or stroking someone's hair? I can't make head nor tail of it. Oh fuck me, they ARE still arguing about sausages. What sort of sausages were they? They're probably fucking Tesco value ones. Now if we're talking Walls, then it's a different story. I like the e-numbers that make them that unnatural shade of pink. Oink.
Chris: 'I eat an onion like an apple once a month. It keeps me healthy.' I wish I could look that healthy. Don't pigs on a spit roast have an onion in their mouth? Oh no, it's an apple, isn't it. Oh well, the imagery is still the same.
Lauren's having a crack up. To Adam: 'Can you go and stick up for me?' Can't she stick up for her fucking self? 'The sausage incident' is becoming like the Battle of the Somme. 
I don't like that square toilet. Edges frighten me. How come only half of them know that they can talk about nominations? It's a bit of an unfair playing field. Is Lydia playing both sides? She's playing a dangerous game. I think I prefer her group of Adam, Scott etc to the preening men.
Another non-ending. Sort your editing out, BB. PS: SAUSAGES.