Christmas Top of the Pops 2012

I'm blogging this on my phone so if it disappears halfway though, I wouldn't be surprised. I have got my netbook but my dinner's nearly ready so have to be ready to bust a move. I've already got the stink eye for eating a crisp sandwich too near dinner time.
Ah they've dug up reggie and fearne again. Delightful. Makes me pine for Jonathan King.
Example has got a face like a jug-eared child blowing up a balloon.
What is the difference between Example and Professor Green? They both look like chubby-faced little oiks you used to go to school with. Maybe I'm too old. But I suspect it's just rubbish, isn't it? Read all about it. No ta.
Will Young. That's some groovy dancing he's doing there. He looks like he's had a heavy night on whatever posh people drink.
Olly Murs looks fat but I think it might be my mum's huge telly. Is he not doing the one about the crab?
Ed Sheeran now. Nice jumper. There's not been a woman on yet. This is worse than Matt Cardie.
The Wanted. Do not want. Sexists.
Jessie J. Go away. Rubbish songs, odious personality. Dressed like a Christmas decoration. That plaster cast was the height of her career, it really was.
Didn't chewing over notes like that go out of fashion in the 90s?
Noah and the Whale. I guess that's the indie box ticked. Nothing for me this year, obviously. My mum is unimpressed with both Noah, the whale and Jessie J. She also predicted 'people will get sick of her soon.' Soon?
Even Pixie Lott has got out the washing machine for her song. Honestly 90s dance culture has been pillaged thoroughly this year. Darude, you were ahead of your time.
The only good thing I can say about this TOTP is they haven't repeatedly told up what's coming up for once. Probably because they're too embarrassed.
I don't know who The Vaccines are but my mums boyfriend said 'they sound like a group you see in a pub' and I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
Adele is beautiful. But she's not for me.
I missed who this band is. They're like a mini so solid crew. Probably the worst thing so far and that's saying something.
On an unrelated topic my mum just said 'I'm not homophobic. Some of my best friends are gay.'
Jimmy Saville: RIP.
My mum's boyfriend seems to think Little Mix are called Pick n Mix. If only. He is now saying one of them looks like a pig. It's not her fault what she looks like and I think she's cute anyway. Cannon bollocks! Little muffins!
Military wives. Are there no military husbands? Fuck the war. All of 'em.
My dins still not ready. But that's good cos I got to do my blog. Happy Christmas. I haven't even started drinking yet.

X Factor USA: Just one last word.

Thought I better blog this as I didn't even bother to blog the UK X Factor results. It must be a big night as Steve's got a dickie bow on. That's certainly adding a sense of gravitas to the evening.
God, looking at the final 12, what a shower of uselessness. I quite liked that Glee rip-off group who went the first week. Lakota Rain or whatever they're called should be drowned in a bag. I'd like to see the petulant Drew and the precocious Rachel Crowe never again, please. Astro has more talent in his little arrogant finger than all of them put together, and he's a little tosser.
Paula's talking turkey as usual. God, I really hope that Melanie Amaro doesn't win. She just rubs me up the wrong way. Oh they're doing festive numbers first. Great. All I Want for Christmas is You is a good one, though.
Everything that comes out of Steve Jones's mouth sounds laced with insincerity. I mean, it's obvious Dermot doesn't like pop music, but at least he sounds warm to the acts after they sing.
Chris is just about getting away with singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Uh. Yeah. Uh huh. Aw, Chris's messages from his family were sweet. He could win on goodwill and a killer sob story alone.
I've been supporting Josh all the way through but his song choices lately have been quite duff. He's got the voice, but I'm finding him quite boring. Does he have the X Factor? Also his tears didn't look as sincere as Chris's. I think he had to force them out!
Justin Beiber makes me want to quite a Morrissey lyric: 'when will you die? When will you die? When will you die?' Luckily I'm watching this about an hour behind so I don't have to listen to this turkey. Oh, fuck off Drew. Your attitude absolutely stunk and I'm glad you got the boot.
Oh no, Chris Rene in third place! Boo. Josh better win, now. I can't stand to see Melanie win it. Probably didn't help that Chris's mentor LA said Melanie did a 50 million dollar performance last night. Uh oh, Steve's losing control of his contestants. Pull it together, boyo.
Leona's on. Why isn't she doing Nine Inch Nails? Why is she always covering indie songs, anyway? She definitely sings Run better that Gary Lightbody. I can't even write the name 'Gary Lightbody' without laughing. He's the only man in pop that makes Chris Martin look well groomed.
Simon's face when Paula is prattling on is hilarious, it's like he's humouring some old dear.
50 Cent is championing women's rights as usual, I see. I bet he's got a big sign with his name on like that in his house. But as my mum said once, hasn't he got lovely teeth? LOL, can't believe he's still rolling out 'it's yer birthday'- why isn't he singing the line about giving you some X if you're into taking drugs? Huh? Astro is out-rapping 50 Cent. Shame.
Something bad has happened. I've caught up with my recording and now I'm having to watch Neo and Pitbull and I'm quite upset about it. Luckily, I'm about to drink some champagne, which should take the edge off. Got any 'X' going spare, Fiddy? Let's make this a proper on-Puff-Daddy's-boat affair.
Where's the winner's single? Aren't they going to do a sing off? They're doing a duet of Heroes. Please tell me David Bowie isn't going to get involved. LOL the doors opened behind them but no one was there. Maybe he got tied up at the Goblin City. That was an anti-climax and a half.
Melanie got it! That's a shame, she has got a good voice, but she doesn't do it for me. It was quite rude the way she just ignored Steve at the end, too.That's the final nail in his coffin, anyway. 'Just one last word, Melanie.... just one last word.' It's the new 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges.'
Is this the winner's song? No one knows, cos no one's told us! Well done, suckers.
I really hate this song. I'm going to get drunk. Ta-ra! See you on the next plane home, Steve. I hear Take it or Leave It is looking for a new host. If not, Toby Anstis probably needs a break from TV Scrabble.

X Factor USA: The final

And another ending begins. So what have I learnt this series? Steve Jones's charmless confidence is amusing when he's under pressure. Look closely and you can see the panic in his eyes as he peeks at that little card and forces himself to cuddle a crying child. LA Reid doing a strange dance to a strobey/washing machine song one week and looking like he was in the electric chair (someone must have done a gif of it). Nicola Scherzinger curling up like a woodlouse when she had to actually make a decision. Paula Abdul is pretty useless as a judge when she's not off her face. Simon lacks someone to spar with, and it sucks a lot of the humour out of the show.
And what a weird final three we're left with. Josh should clearly win. Chris is loveable but not sure how he made it to the final three (although one of the best first auditions I've ever seen). I can't warm to Melanie, I find her singing all old fashioned, and I'm still annoyed she was putting on a posh accent and now she's talking in her 'real' accent. It's like Will Young coming out of the closet straight after he won Pop Idol. Just be honest, why don't you, we can deal with it.
I doubt a person on the planet could annoy me as much as Nicole Scherzinger does. The shit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to scream - energy, positive attitudes, God. You wrote a song (sorry, didn't write, SANG) a song that pitted girls against one another and set them up as enemies, just something that's after your boyfriend and to call uglier than you. So don't ever try and talk to me about positivity, when you made your dirty coin on sexualising young girls, selling them an unobtainable and damaging image to aspire to and pitting them against one another. Her complete insincerity, her fake poor-little-me face, her wishy-washy opinions and when she does her preacher man voice followed by her simpering little girl act - the whole thing is just one big performance, and at the heart of it is something rotten, something dead inside. Honestly, Cheryl Cole is worth 100 of her, and she's my fourth favourite member of Girls Aloud. At least she's a real person, not a humanoid, like Scherbot2000.
WTF is this tuneless old dirge Josh is singing. Ahhhh.... Alanis Morrissette, that explains it. Time for a new haircut, horsey. I hope he's not going to lose because of this whiny bitch.
OMG they're making Chris Rene sing with Avril Lavinge. Call the exterminator, load the traps. Poor Chris, he must be so embarrassed. There's your streed cred gone out the window. Avril outsung him totally, I don't think he got a note in tune.
Has Melanie Amaro had a boob job? LOL just when you think it couldn't get any worse, we get R Kelly. Put him back in the fucking closet. Is he even allowed on TV these days? I'm glad no more acts are in the competition, we'd probably see Astro vs Gary Glitter or Drew getting a beat down from Chris Brown. Very tasteful, Simon, finger on the pulse as ever.
LA Reid on I Believe I Can Fly; 'that is one of the most important songs written in the past 50 years.' LOL. Yeah right up there with 'Get Away' by Lenny Kravitz and 'Life' by Des'ree.
What a fucking barrel scrape for celebs. Seriously, was Rhianna or Buble not available *snort*?
Why are they so up Michael Jackson's arse on this show, too? I think Blanket's face said it all a couple of shows ago. *roll eyes, pass the jesus juice*
Melanie is sooooo old fashioned. Have you ever seen her smile? She bores the hell out of me. I know Chris can't sing but at least he's unique and sparky.
I like Chris's original song. I'd like to see him win it in a way. I'd like to see the look on his face. I love it when they cut to LA Reid dancing or singing! It's so incongruous with his tough talk.
Also, are you seriously telling me Simon is coming back to judge Britan's Got Talent (ie. let's mock some mentals) but won't come back to do our X Factor? If it's a scheduling thing, just move ours, we don't get the Christmas Number 1 anymore anyway. That just goes to some 'wives' (aren't there any military husbands?). I digress.
Until tomorrow.

X Factor: The final

So obviously I've still been watching X Factor, even though it's fairly turgid (as is the US version). I like Marcus, Little Mix and Amelia. I don't like Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, or Tulisa.
I don't know who I want to win, really. Little Mix are fun and Amelia has the best voice, but I've always liked Marcus, too, although the songs they keep making him do are interminable. It makes it a bit boring when you don't really care who wins, I want a Rhydian character to despise and hiss at.
I know one thing, Dermot seems to be having a lot more fun on the UK one than Steve 'crab eyes' Jones ever does o'er the sea.
I'd be a bit disappointed to find out I was duetting with Kelly Rowland and not, say, Lady Gaga or whoever they usually have on.
How many times tonight are we going to hear 'it would be great for a girl group to win it' and 'Amelia is the comeback kid'.
Does it favour Marcus if they all sing a Take That song at the start? It looks like they haven't bothered doing Amelia's hair.
Gary Barlow has been the particular bugbear of the series, pissing all over everything with his dour, pinched little face and a voice Jordan would consider monotone. Oh, look at Gary winning over Marcus's gran. I'll just forget about all the dirty tricks he's pulled this season, such as calling Amelia 'shouty' when she's a much better singer than Marcus.
Marcus sounds out of tune doing Outkast. At least he's doing something different, I suppose, but I've hated every song he's done since 'Smooth Like Jagger' and I only like that because it makes me laugh. Stop going 'woo', Marcus. I feel like I'm watching CDUK.
I'm thrillled that little runt Jeff Brazier isn't doing the outside broadcasts this year. I don't like Olly Murs, but I think Caroline Flack is good, she's quite natural.
When Tulisa goes 'it's my little muffins, little mix' it makes me cringe. Little Mix visited four people's home towns, so that's four times the votes, right? Little fix, lol!
Little Mix sang loads better than Marcus. I thought they were quite entertaining. I think I'd quite like to see them win it. They're like Manga girls.
I bet Kelly Rowland has never been in a house as small as Amelia's. She probably keeps her dog in a similar square-footage.
I wish Amelia would stop wearing that baby pink coat with her baby pink hair. Enough with the baby pink!
Oh, god, now she's come out in a vile baby pink dress! I think the stylist is in cahoots with Gary Barlow. I hate this song so much. Little Mix FTW, it's decided. She should have done a good power ballad.
Every time I see JLS I always think about that one going 'merry Christmas' which they took the mick out of on TV Burp. JLS outsung One Direction by a mile. My boyfriend says the One Direction lyrics sound like a 'paedo trying to court a four year old'. Mash up! Those two songs go together like Pat Sharpe and tact.
Marcus's baby pictures were cute. What's this song him and GBar are signing? Turgid times! Should have done Flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood, flood. It's not exactly Matt Cardie trying to hump Rhianna, is it? I honestly think Marcus has blown it.
Tulisa looks like a grandma up there with Little Mix. Her outfit is all wrong, she looks like Cruella. I think it was a bit too po-faced. I think they should have gone a bit more fluffy - they should have sung the Spice Girls or something.
Kelly's song choices are so, so, so out of touch. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit surprised if Amelia went home tonight. All those duets were whack, actually.
Why is Leona Lewis singing Nine Inch Nails? She should do 'I want to fuck you like an animal' instead. 'I want to feel you from the inside out.. you bring me close to God' etc. Every song Leona Lewis covers is the same from Run to this, it's just one big build up, just a big vocal show-off. She's got the voice though. But can she write a song? Hair-watch: I prefered hers curly.
Buble! The flukiest man in pop. How did he get so famous, all does is covers. And he's looking a bit porky. I do like him though! Not his music, but he seems like someone you could take home to meet your mum.
WTF is the point in saying 'good luck to everyone'? You might as well say 'good luck to none of you!'
Amelia is gone. It feels like the right result in a way. I kind of think Marcus is going to win. He seems hugely popular. Amelia took it well - I suppose she's used to it!
The cutest final two ever! They look like they should be made into dolls and given away with Happy meals. Marcus is the same height as Little Mix, too.
I just want to mention Steve 'I'm going to have to hurry you, judges' Jones once more before I go. Simon must look at Dermot's easy charm and gran-friendly humour and weep. See you tomorrow.

The Walking Died

The Walking Dead has been so spectacularly shit this season, that I almost don't know where to start. To be fair, after the first couple of episodes of the first series, it began to look a little shaky, but this season has just meandered in circles like a confused zombie locked in that bloody hayloft.
The blame has to lie in the characters, who are all resolutely duff. So duff, we had a competition to try and remember one person's name in it except Rick two episodes ago, and could not. We're still calling the Asian dude Eric. I didn't even know what Rick's wife was called. I still can't name his partner. This is totally unnaceptable after a series and a half. And why don't we know what the characters are called? because we don't give a shit about any of them. Did you really care when redneck dude got shot? No, he has no redeeming features. Do you care about that missing child (will she ever fucking turn up, she's been missing longer than Madeleine McCann). Worse was the saga of Rick's kid getting shot - I don't care! Honestly, I felt like I was giving the little bastard blood myself for all the entertainment he sucked out of the show. I hate the blonde woman with the dead sister beyond words. I hate the old interfering dude more. I quite like Rick's partner but only recently since he did over that fat bloke.
I feel like there's been about three zombies in this whole series. You're literally just sitting there waiting for the zombies and they never come. I'm praying for someone to get their head ripped off. Anyone.
Everyone who lives on that farm is a cunt, especially Dr. Sanctimonious. I'm praying Rick is going to take him out at some point, but by the time it happens, I won't care anymore, because it will probably be season 18. The storylines move so slow, and there's tons of interminable chat where nothing happens, or they practice shooting their guns (shouldn't they be saving ammo?) and you find out nothing new about anyone, nothing to make you care about them, but just pray for them to get killed. Kill them all! The token black guy who cut himself so ridiculously unrealistically on a car (wouldn't he have pulled away?) The shaven headed abused woman. Rick's skinny, annoying wife. Anyone! Just someone die, please.
Annoyingly, there are some little kernels of interesting storylines like the affair, and that black English guy who was in the 1st episode of Season 1. When will he come back? I actually liked him. I kept expecting the guy who has his hand off to turn up but he never did (except in a rubbishy flashback). It feels like they've forgotten to write half the storylines. It's like Lost, which I gave up on a lot sooner.
I was shocked when something actually happened with the affair storyline last week, but it just felt like too little, too late. I don't see how they can pull this series back now. My boyfriend is threatening not to watch it anymore. I think I'm only still watching it cos there's nothing on at the moment (hence why my blog is quiet, but it will pick up, I promise).
The worst episode was when that stupid thing was stuck down the well. That was the ONLY zombie in that episode. There was one funny line in that one, but on the whole, the show is entirely humourless. I don't CARE about anyone! I want to care. Please make me care.
They had a flashback to helicopters going over and the city getting bombed at one point last episode and I thought 'THAT'S the show I want to watch' not a bunch of arseholes in tents moaning about the environment. *insert St Paul's joke here*
Also, why do they keep going back to that chemist with a shopping list? Just take a fucking binbag and clear it out, you idiots. You'll have all the cod liver oil you'll ever need and you won't risk getting your arm ripped off.
And take that fucking Sheriff hat off, Rick, you look like a douche. What sort of person wears their work uniform AFTER the apocalypse? It's INSANE. Ace accent, though. In fact, you're the only good thing in it.

@damebrianmolko: a Twitter war

A couple of years ago my boyfriend and I were unhealthily obsessed with Placebo, to the point where our friends almost had to stage an intervention. We’d watch five or six concerts on my laptop in a row, and extol the virtues of Brian’s megaphone, boots, jacket, various hairstyles, clunky lyrics, the way he smoked a fag, his ridiculous pretentiousness: everything he did was entertaining and a thrill.
Meds-era concert Rock Am Ring was our zenith: everything was perfect about that gig, with the sunset going down, and the most amazing set list. We must have watched it forty times. We bored people rigid as everyone else on the planet went off Placebo in about 1996. We had too, but this second flush of love felt all the more real. It was also at a time when our relationship was still a bit of a novelty, so I think the two feelings intertwined.
I had the idea of setting up a Placebo-themed Twitter account because Placebo lyrics were bouncing round my brain so much. My boyfriend thought of the name @damebrianmolko and we both planned to tweet together. I think my boyfriend only did one in the end, but it was still a cool idea and I ran with it. If you read the tweets from the start it was a real labour of love, with some references that only the most geekiest of Placebo fans would get. I enjoyed doing it, but as my crush on Placebo faded a bit, my tweets also slowed down.
The tweets were silly and cheeky. I even did some in French which must have made zero sense. My intro was: London, Paris, Belgium. Singer, writer, sodomite.
Here’s a few sample tweets:
‘Wondering what songs to 'reimagine' later; I might write some new lyrics for Pure Morning, and then put a bit of trumpet on it.’
‘Steve Hewitt got my toy megaphone I used to use on Infra-Red as part of the divorce settlement. Instead I squawk thru my hands. Just as good.’
‘I put Stefan's silver suit on a hot wash when he was out. Now it fits me! He's gotta learn, I'm the frontman, I wear the silly clothes.’
‘Spite and Malice gets some stick, but Dr. Dre was doing the rap originally. Had to pull out because his nan was poorly. These things happen.’
‘Not quite sure how to tell Fiona that there won't be any violin on the new album. We're going to scrape a knife over a dustbin lid instead.’
‘Steve 2 hasn't called for a bit- hope he hasn't gone back to the Backstreet Boys.’
‘Going to a Halloween party as Kat Slater tomorrow. Have to tone down the eyeshadow a bit.’
Now, do they sound like something the REAL Brian Molko might write? Would the real Brian Molko really call himself DAME Brian Molko, for God’s sake? It’s an obvious pisstake. And if the REAL Brian Molko was on Twitter wouldn’t he have a tick by his name? And wouldn’t he be going on about jet lag and coffee and musical influences like he does in those interminable documentaries they release once per annum? I mean, come on, MY tweets were funny.
Apparently not, according to River Management (Placebo’s record company) and Placebo World (allegedly Placebo’s fan club, but also Placebo’s record company, as I got exactly the same message from both of them). They didn’t bother with any niceties, they simply sent me a DM saying: ‘you have been warned once to remove this account. get it done right now.’
Even reading that message again now makes my blood actually boil (yes, actually!) One: they’d never messaged me before in my life. Two: who the fuck do they think they are?! Twitters OWN POLICY states you can have spoof accounts: mine was barely even a spoof. Their behaviour, high-handedness and complete lack of respect for their own fans just really got my goat. Read those tweets again. Read this one: ‘When you get the Brixton DVD, you'll see the role of Stefan is being played by a stunt double, as it was his aunt's 60th birthday that night.’ Are they really hurtful? Are they really damaging Brian’s image, such as it is? Is anyone really fooled? Come on, now.
Never once were my tweets nasty or insulting (there was one about Brian having a zit once, but I didn’t even write that one, and that was as nasty as it got!) Never once did I ‘pretend to be Brian Molko’. If the odd foreign person asked me if I was, I said no.
The annoying part is you can’t even reply to those direct messages, so I messaged them openly on Twitter. Here are some of the replies I got back from the protectors-of-the-fans-and-image at @rivermanmgt and @placeboworld: ‘Plenty of people think it's real, you are a fake pretending to be Brian Molko?? Please delete your fake account.’ ‘you are a very sad and disturbed human being pretending to be Brian Molko. Lying to a lot of people is hardly 'fun'.’
They also hysterically tweeted: ‘DAMEBRIANMOLKO is a FAKE account, please do NOT follow this account. it IS 100% NOT BRIAN MOLKO.’ Note the capital letters for the hard of thinking.
One of my tweets said: ‘My beer can co-star in the Meds video became a good friend for a while, but things soured. Know your place, beery. In the recycling bin.’ And people think that’s real? And I’M the one who’s disturbed? Seriously, now I understand why when I used to read the NME in the 90s they had to put an asterisk after the end of sentences and go *this is a joke – it’s for thickos! I’m seriously considering sending out a few hundred emails out from a bank in Uganda and a dodgy hotmail address saying you’ve won 12 million on the lottery, all you have to do is wire me 100 grand, because people REALLY ARE THAT THICK. I’m astounded. I surround myself with sentient people, so to be face to face with such humourless, po-faced boneheaded denseness is actually quite shocking. It stunned me. Do they think that fake Cheryl Cole and that dead Princess Diana are real, too? Does dead Diana need a disclaimer for the mentally ill? Should we all write as if we’re writing for people with the mental age of three at all times, just in case someone gets an ickle bit confused? Put down that pen, next literary genius! *~*Eyelinergrrl*~* in Istanbul doesn't understand words of more than one syllable!
I don’t write for thickos, they’re not in my remit. I assume anyone who reads my blog to have a basic level of understanding of the written word, humour and an acceptance of stupid references. I thought Twitter was the same. Apparently not.
I got lots of supportive messages and tweets when I outed River Management and Placebo World as the humourless old crones they are, as well as a few cry-baby tweets from mental people saying ‘I thought you were real’. Yes, they thought this tweet was real: ‘Angelic fruitcakes are two for one in Asda all week’. Someone believed the actual Brian Molko was saying this. That Brian Molko was selling angelic fruitcakes (something that doesn’t even exist, need I remind you, and I think I DO need) in a cut-price supermarket. And that’s MY FAULT! Would it be MY FAULT if they thought the earth was flat, too, or if they accidentally drove their car off a cliff, because they were too dim-witted to work out where the brake was?
I think @TiaraBarbie summed it up best when she said to @RIVERMANMGT ‘well then plenty of people, including yourselves, are a bit thick. Treat your main bands fans better, seriously.’
No one could have written the tweets I did without encyclopaedic knowledge, and therefore love of, Placebo. Someone taking the piss would have had plenty of cannon fodder for a hateful Brian Molko character, (some of my friends have said things about Brian Molko that would make River Management’s eyes bleed) but I never did that. I’ve always defended Brian, no matter how humourless and silly he was. I’ll even defend those ‘think of me stuck in my chair that has four wheels’ lyrics if you really want me to, because they’ve given me enough laughs (although that was what made me go off Placebo for about four years). My Twitter account was tongue-in-cheek, fun, silly, whimsical. My Brian Molko was watching X Factor and Eastenders and tweeting about the Brian Molko museum in Belgium, FFS. Perhaps I should have mentioned the 100 foot Brian Molko effigy in France that is traditionally burnt over Halloween*
*this is a joke. They’d never burn that effigy in France, they love him over there.
Anyway. Placebo World and River Management have won. They’ve sucked the fun out of poor damebrianmolko. And they’ve cost the REAL Brian Molko money so far, because I didn’t buy the Brixton DVD as I was planning, because I refuse to line their pockets after they were so needlessly nasty to me. Instead I took a free month’s trial of Love Film and watched the live show and the documentary. Personally, I want my money back on the documentary, and as I said, I didn’t pay for it. But I enjoyed the gig. I enjoy Placebo’s music and although we haven’t watched Rock am Ring for a year or so, I know one day we’ll watch it again and moon over the decent version of Because I Want You (before it got reimagined) and we’ll coo over Infra-Red, and we’ll complain about Song to Say Goodbye. Because that’s what real fans do. They don’t blindly follow their idols, they know their idols faults, and they love that about them, too, and they make jokes about them, and talk about them. I know one day we’ll bust out Gurtenfest and dance to English Summer Rain and wish he moved around like that these days, and admire his mullet. But it won’t be the same. That crush is over, and River Management tore up the photos.
What a short-sighted, narrow-minded way to treat your biggest fans. It often amazes me how companies and organisations get things so wrong on social media, and end up alienating their target ‘market’. Well this is a prime example. I’ve probably given Placebo about £500 over the years on CDs and gig tickets, but I won’t be giving them any more. I wont be giving River Management any more, anyway. But I still love Placebo. Only slightly less than I used to.
And I’m not going to delete damebrianmolko. Because they really want me to, and I’m not going to give them the satisfaction. Besides, he might have something else to say, yet…
Anyway. It was started with love, and generally met with love until the bouncers got involved. As Brian himself said, 'the world is run by lying, balding know-it-alls.' Probably after he came out of a meeting with River Management.

Big Brother 2011 - The Final: Get the pirate cheese ready!

So here we are. Soon my blog will be discussing more intellectual matters. Gone will be all the shit, piss and swearing and in it's place I'll be chatting shit about The Andrew Marr show, Songs of Praise and Newsnight. Oh, alright then. I'll be moaning about sexism and talking about other shitty TV.

I like seeing the ex housemates. Fucking hell, Heaven looks like crap. Where's Rebeckah? Are you fucking crackers etc. Is Harry really 23? He looks like Tim Henman's dad again tonight. I'm sure someone else is missing. Oh yeah, Mark. And Pammie. Oh and Jem! What a shame. I wonder why Jem couldn't show her face- don't want to see Aaron walk out with that 50K, that's why.

Louise was definitely thinking she was going last night, you don't wear a dress like that for no reason.

Has Alex got Michael Jackson's 'skin disease', her tan is looking seriously patchy.

Imagine if I won and went out to boos, says Aaron. Just imagine!

I feel like BOTS has took the shine off some of these highlight clips. I love the split cam! Why have they never done that before? Louise has got the same dress on again, dirty bitch. She must have been sweating yesterday. That dress is a bit ott.

Louise looks nervous! Why is she walking so slowly down those stairs? Get on with it, get the fuck out of my sight.

Louise alluding to being normal: check. She looks so nervous! I'm glad Brian mentioned when she said they had no chemistry, well sort of mentioned it. Louise: 'I love Anton!': finger on the public pulse as usual, me. Great taste she's got. Change your taste in men!

'Jay's so normal': he's not normal! He's a freak. OMG 'he wiped his arse today and showed me his shit on the bog roll.' Romeo, romeo, where for art thou Romeo! That actually shocked me. I think her brain is malfunctioning.

Here's Louise's personality in two words. Normal. Shit. The end.

Honestly, if Jay wins I'm leaving the universe.

Third place. This will be the clincher. No boos for Jay. How pathetic. OMG it's Alex! That split screen was really good when Alex went. Aaron's face was brill. NOW we have a battle on our hands. This is a fight to the death.

Alex is like Jedward coming out third! I'm not that shocked because who would really ring and vote for Alex? The Jay and Aaron fight is real! They both look quite smug now.

I can't understand what Alex is saying. How did Jay ever get to be 2nd? It's like that douche from the Jungle Cats all over again. Don't let the wolfpack win!

Tonight we got to get on the floor! Alex is getting jibbed on her highlights. Loving her fake tan hands. She's a fashion kamikaze. Still, keep away from Jenny Frost (again). Avoid it! Has Alex

got her £500K shoes on? She's probably got her Primarni ones on instead. Her interview was short!

Love Aaron and Jay holding hands. Too cute. Look at Jay's misguided trousers. Where does he get his clothes from, Mr Byrite? Why did Aaron say 'get the pirate cheese' ready when Jay walked out the door? We rewound it three times and I'll still none the wiser. I couldn't stop laughing! Prepare the Lego room!

Did you hear him whimper as Jay walked out the door. Too funny.

Jay seems on the hoof in this interview. He seemed reticent about saying he loved Louise, too. I don't think he can cope with this pressure. He's just a normal lad, blah blah blah. Does Jay live with his mum?

Oh Jay. You went in a hottie, and came out a nottie. Disco down. Now let's watch Brian eat it. I'd LOVE to know what the percentages were. I bet Aaron stormed it. I bet Jem is at home stirring her witches pot and moaning.

Aaron's having a cuppa in the background. I love seeing the winner in the background through the runner-up interview, it's lovely.

Boooooooooooooooo! Aaron is getting booed to fuck. Brian didn't pick Jay up on any of his bullshit. They are drowning out the boos with 12 zillion fireworks. I like the fact they just gave him the briefcase of cash. They'll probably make him take it on the tube later.

Brian's faux friendliness is galling. Aaron looks quite hot, I think. I wish he'd give it up with all that crikey/crumbs crap.

Aaron deserved to win after putting up with the mountain of crap he had to deal with in that house, even that of his own making.

Brian's digging Aaron out about Faye! He didn't dig Jay out about being an unhygienic animal.

Aaron has been quite quiet in the interview. It was quite a short interview, I felt.

I don't have a feelgood feeling in my stomach after this BB. There was a lot of bad feeling in that final show and Aaron's interview was really short. I usually feel all wrung out and emotional at the end, but I just feel nothing! Nothing.

Boooooooooo! I'm surprised someone don't shoot him at the end. Brian: 'it's just panto'. Many LOLs. Seriously, start watching this show again, folks. I feel like I'm shouting at the wall here.

Big Brother 2011 - I saw her at auditions and thought 'for fuck's sake'

Will there be a shocker tonight, or will it be Louise or Tom as predicted? I'd LOVE it to be Jay, just to see his thick little face drop.

Brian looks fat again! You really can barely tell him and Eamonn Holmes apart these days. It's hard to say which one's insulting rape victims and which one is too busy championing fridge shits. Every since Louise said she bought her teeth, I've been thinking how unnaturally large they look. It's like Brandon Flowers all over again. But I'd never noticed before she mentioned it! Aaron looks like he's got make-up on.

Jay is obsessed with Aaron! 'Why isn't he working for MI.... whatever?' You were nearly there, Jay. So nearly there. A bit like in the final.

Louise is a dirty bugger, even I have a bath every day and I'm a lazy cunt. Louise's mum! Where did Louise get her looks from. (Sorry, a bit mean) Why is Aaron getting booed so bad? It's just more fuel for the Facebook voters!

Alex's thicko act is wearing a bit thin on me tonight. I don't know why because she doesn't normally get on my nerves. My boyfriend thinks perhaps she's believing her own hype from something she's seen on BOTS or something. Louise, what sort of idiot 'sets out to be myself'? That's just called waking up in the morning.

LOL to Aaron correcting Jay's grammar on 'your my hero'. There's a few more votes for him. That won him a round of applause in virginmary manor.

Jesus, it aint that hard to open a bottle of champs. Or bucks fizz, as the case may be. Thought Alex didn't drink? Fuck those people who don't drink. They're either right boring bastards of they've had to stop because they've knocked someone's teeth out. Either way, not a good thing.

Brian: 'really good crowd tonight' - yes, shipped right down from Newcastle!

BOTS was quite good yesterday, especially Aaron's mental friend sarcastically slagging off Aaron. Misjudged! Aaron knew it was BOTS immediately! He's even talking 'VT's! It is morally wrong to show them BOTS, though. But it was a very entertaining episode.

Alex and Tom outed! Accidental smooch! Aaron knows about those, doesn't he? I liked it when Tom said it was on purpose.

Alex's roots are a NIGHTMARE! The dreaded stripe. I can even see a dark bit they've missed underneath. I'd cry if they fucked my hair up like that. She should ask for her money back. Oh. That's my worst nightmare when I get my roots done, so my hairdresser leaves the bleach on for an hour. Itchy but effective.

Oh, no, Tom evicted. Sad face. I like Tom's little outfit, he looks like Mr Tumnus. Loved him saying 'win it for me, Alex' when he left. The security guard isn't helping him as well as he did Faye! I liked it when he escorted Faye down and she looked all happy, it was cute.

Anyone would think Tom was being dragged off to the gallows the way Alex is acting. Loving Tom saying 'safe' to the crowd. I haven't heard that in about 15 years. Him and Alex's highlights were cute. Pressing the diary room button and running away was funny.

Tom was great in his interview. I thought he was hilarious. God, I thought he was such a twat when he went in but he's actually a decent, silly guy.

Is it up to us who wins? Is it really, Brian? Is it really? If you want to make Brian squirm tomorrow, vote Aaron FTW. You know it makes sense. Alex has already won in some ways. And Jay and Louise can both go shit in a bucket. See you tomorrow!

Big Brother 2011 - Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore

I've never seen such an argumentative last week! And for that we must be grateful. The last week is normally boring. We've got sex, flirtations, strops, rows. It's been quite a good series really, despite it's production faults, live feed lack, biased BOTS and so on. Actually, BOTS has been quite enjoyable, too. I like Holy Moly dude now, Victor's been pretty good, and there have been some other cool maverick guests ie. Pete Burns and Lauren Harries.

I don't actually think Jay and Louise were 'sly', but I do think they bought the present for the cameras. I can't believe people are threatening to leave in the final week, it's ace!

Jay looks so rough compared to when he went in the house! He actually looks quite handsome in those old videos before he went in, if you can believe I'm saying that. LOL Aaron has spoken for a nation and mentioned price-tag gate. That's going to get back to Louise quick smart.

Aaron is one of those obsessive tea makers, isn't he? I had a boyfriend like that once. It didn't last.

Go on Louise, string a sentence together, put up a fight. Go on, I dare you. Tom looks like wants to disappear. Jay: 'I'm not going to shake your hand.' Aaron: 'do you think I want that?'

Jay: 'what you see is what you get'. Can I have a refund, then?

Oh Jay. You kept yourself together quite well so far. You're really fucking yourself right up the arse right now. Aaron does seem a bit beleaguered. Maybe he just needed telling. Is he listening?! I think he's listening. What is a 'radge'?

I'm not sure I like it when they get makeovers before they leave, I kind of like it when they walk out all fat, bursting out of their eviction dress with five inches of black roots. It tells a story!

Louise isn't going to talk about Aaron anymore because he's fucking up their game bad. Happy, happy house!

My boyfriend said Aaron looks like an old queen getting his pubes waxed. What is Aaron thinking! Waxing is the work of the devil. I tried waxing my legs once and it made me cry. Never again. Are Aaron's pubes ginger or is that the wax?!

Why would you bother threading your armpits? Haven't you heard of a disposable razor? It's painless!

I like Jay's make-up sentence: 'how's your dick?' Aaron looks like a refugee stumbling around. Why is Jay still bothering? I'd tell Aaron to stick it up his arse. My boyfriend just said 'That cunt does not give an inch.' about Aaron and he's right! Jay said sorry and Aaron didn't! Haha, those principles are a get out clause for anything, aren't they? I must get some!

I hate Lee Stafford! Obv. Would you trust a man with that hairdo? I am looking forward to the makeovers, despite myself. Aaron's hair looks the same! No, actually a little worse.

I'm not sure about that fringe on Louise. I LOVE fringes, and I think they suit almost everyone, but I don't know if it's for her. I like Alex's blonde but not sure about the curls, they're a bit dated, like Josie when she got her makeover after BB and they made her look bloody awful.

Not a good sign when your boyfriend goes about your hair: 'Do you like it?'

LOL to the photographer forcing Aaron and Jay to cuddle. I want that OK magazine, haha. Kerching!

Aw that's too cute Tom telling Alex she looks nice. Jay is 'coming to terms with Louise's new look'. LOL. 'Cute': another not good word from your boyfriend.

Jay on Louise's arse: 'you could eat your dinner off it.' Ha. I'm sure he will.

I like Alex's leopard print cardigan! Where's that from? What's Tom having a strop about? Being generic? He should enjoy those questions while they last, no one will be interested when he's out. I liked the way Big Brother dismissed him from the DR.

WTF is up with Tom? Is he after some airtime? Is it because he's taking being a housemate for granted? Aaron and Jay both look twitchy as Tom steals the limelight.

Eek this Diary Room strop is hilarious! 'Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore' brilliant, it's like he and Big Brother are having a marital. Big Brother shouldn't laugh and joke with Tom! Boo. Big Brother should be formal! Tom IS shallow, cheered up by a pop song. BB was right about you all along. Tom IS vapid, but I like him.

I don't think Aaron should stir up that Alex and Tom pot so close to the end. My boyfriend just said 'Did Aaron say 'Tom is like Dappy and Justin Beiber rolled into one' to his face?'

Alex's roots look yellow under her ponytail. Remind me not to go to Lee Stafford. I prefer Headlites on Holloway Road, they do my bleach job just right and just white!

What's that sparkly flat cap Jay's got on? He looks like an absolute tool. I prefer Aaron's Noel Edmonds beard. Jay is actually giving Aaron good advice if only Aaron would listen.

Aaron's 'cancelling each other out' comment was interesting. He has been thinking, hasn't he? I reckon that spiteful git would be pleased to cancel Jay out. But I still like Aaron, I can't help it.

Tom saying 'you're so pretty' was slightly 'cancelled out' by 'you're pretty to me anyway' but it still made me blub. The way they look at each other is like no look I've ever seen between Faye and Aaron or Louise and Jay.

PS: my favourite Digital Spy thread of the day: 'Do you think Louise looks happy with her scat-obsessed thug?' Props.

Big Brother 2011 - I'll just sit wet *sniffle*

Louise goes to bed with a full face of make-up I see. She's probably one of those girls who gets up eight hours early so her boyfriend never sees her without her make-up on.

When they mentioned a rule break I thought they were going to tell Jay off for threatening Aaron with violence, but no.

Why are they playing Aphex Twin over the Aaron and Jay 'tension' ie. them both starting into the distance? Is Jay allowed to say he'll 'kick the life out of someone' in the DR? Apparently so.

Jay's list of fun: 'kick someone's head in. Shit in a kettle. Chew someone's head off.' The end. How does one shit in a kettle? Do they go down the spout? Remind me not to accept a cup of tea round Jay's manor.

Jay's Wolfpack stripes are showing! Why doesn't he go have one of his sauna chats with Aaron about marine biology? Oh, I know. He's exhausted all his material.

How much does Tom eat? His arms look about as wide as my fingers.

How many times can Aaron 'lose all respect' for someone? Once it's gone, it's gone.

Aaron lied on his audition tape! Kick him out. Quick. 'Sell my soul'?! What about his precious principles! Turncoat.

I can kind of understand Aaron getting annoyed with the inane chat. But what the fuck did he expect on Big Brother?

Oh BB is finally giving Jay a tell off! Well done, BB. Jay: 'my behaviour is not acceptable here.' It's not acceptable anywhere, you fucking animal. Grotesque thuggy, disgusting pig with a little fawning limpet girlfriend.

I reckon it's Anton and Aden in those clown suits. Balloooooooooooons! That task was a bit borin'.

Smoking truce!

Bloody hell, Tom and Alex were born in the 90s. I am ancient!

I liked those mayhem highlights, especially Jay picking up Tom and throwing him, that was quite funny. Louise sleeping doesn't seem so interesting. Chuck that boring bitch out.

Jay's boot camp! I like Aaron pretending to sulk and then laughing. He's such a spoilsport! Plus he was wearing that t-shirt yesterday.

Aaron is not going to have 'orders barked at him by that chump'. '5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, fucking run round again.' Lol. Get that man a fitness video. Jay should come in and start shouting at Aaron and force him to do sit ups.

Alex should get Aaron to wipe her bum. Indignity task!

I wondered what Jay was doing when he was barging into the bedroom door like a particularly thick bull. The man's an idiot. It's like him and Aaron are having a competition to see who can wreck their game the most effectively at the final hurdle.

Where did Jay get that towel from?! At least he ate before he went for his cry. He can't go and cry under the covers like Nasty Nick cos they won't let him in the bedroom. Instead he's gotta have a little cry under the hand towel.

Oh Big Brother, let Jay have his blub in peace. Jay looks like the woman who has her face ripped off by a chimp with that towel over his head.

I bet Louise doesn't like men who cry. Too soft, innit, Big Brother!

Why is Big Brother still keeping the bedroom locked like a bastard? Jay should just stay in there. Why doesn't he just get a duvet cover and lie outside?

OMG Jay's favourite song is AWFUL. That makes me want to vomit! LOL is he going to batter Aaron for dancing to his song? Aaron's dancing is super. It's rubbish when you hear a song you like when you're out and in a bad mood. It makes the pain worse! But not as bad as those saxophones in that song.

Tom's silent disco was quite amusing. They were probably playing the Macarena again.

Jay's crying disclaimer: normally he'd do anger, but he's being forced to do emotion thanks to Ofcom. At least that's what he'll tell his mates.

Big Brother 2011 - 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid.

How does Louise know the moves to the macarena, too? Is there some class I missed at school? I think Aaron missed it, too.

Oooooooh Louise is pissed off about Jay fucking a 'ladyboy'. It's not just Aaron who walks on that wild side, is it? Plus he said he did it by accident at first and then went out to do it 'because his mates did it.' He's cultured like that, isn't he?

Aaron is in macer-paina (sorry). They've already done this macarena shit! Zzzz.

Is Aaron deliberately trying to come across as the biggest shit on the planet this week? I wouldn't want a bag that cost £2,000. Jay: 'what's it made of?' Why is Aaron throwing a strop about this money when he's only got £990?!

They are only trying to get them to spend this money so there's a row about the 10K each.

Where's the Argos catalogue? I like Tom's hair longer. I think he knows there's a present in the offing. I like that red dress Louise has got on today. Jay is anxious about that cash! He doesn't feel happy! He's got his eye on that bigger prize.

I'd rather not have a cake than eat those ingredients raw. Powder gob!

I wouldn't like to be wrapped up as a present. Claustrophobia times. What's the catch with this present task? I don't get it.

Louise: 'we've spent £500 each on your presents'. Mercenary bitch! I'd rather you hadn't bothered. I can't believe she said that! OMG she said it again. You can see Aaron is about to explode. He's accepting those thanks, though.

Aaron: bad feeling harbinger. He's clip-clopping across that kitchen like a troll o'er a bridge. 'It makes you look really bad.' I can't believe he said that. If he said that to me, I'd go fucking mental at him. I'd rip his fucking head off. He is really pushing his luck.

Jay is stewing. But I can't blame him! I would have strangled Aaron to death by now. Birthday guilt trip! Who IS in the right? Who's side am I on? No one's!

If Louise really just buying that present out of the kindness of her heart why does she keep going it's 500 quid! 500 quid! Yes 500 fucking quid, we get it.

Alex looks like a fairy under the Christmas tree. They are nice shoes, though. How much are they again, Louise?

Aaron's come to wish you a unhappy birthday! I like the way they've got all the lights strobing, very nice. I've not noticed that before. Is Aaron eating a sausage on a stick?

I think Aaron is actually trying to get Jay to punch him. That's my theory.

I don't like Louise and Jay making snide remarks at Jay. Just come out and say 'you're wrong, I don't agree with you.' Get it over with.

Louise is coming off particularly stupid and shallow tonight. Jay: 'hand on heart I will not say a word to Aaron for the duration.' I've heard him say that before! How long before he speaks to him? I give him five minutes.

Jay stop bitching like a little gorm and go have it out with Aaron. Oh you can't because you'll punch him.

I'm sure Tom and Alex don't mind being 'used' when they get loot out of it. Aaron is like judge, jury and executioner. He should be the new Judge Judy.

I don't like strangers being referred to as 'randoms'. It's snobbery!

Oh Aaron. Your kamikaze gameplay continues. And still I sort of want to vote for you. And I don't know why...

Big Brother 2011 - I miss Jeremy Kyle so much

Who's buying Jay's friendliness towards Aaron? Not I! Mind you, at least he pretends. They should have played 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' into the house this morning, Aaron would have appreciated that.

Aaron is irked the winner isn't getting the full 100K. I wonder why. Mind you, I suppose you would be in a way. Aaron is being a bit mean saying they're all putting on a performance. Because he is, too.

I haven't seen much of Louise's 'rebel without a cause' act. Where's that in the highlights show?

If they're going to do a bit of fashion filler, they need to do a full five minutes on Aaron's fleece. Tom has the best dress sense. I like what Alex wears as well. Jay dresses like a Ken doll trying to be a bit edgy. Anything's better than Faye in her beige towel.

There's Aaron's teacher fleece in the sauna! Quick, throw it on the hot coals whilst he's not looking.

Louise is doing her Miss World speech: 'as a model I don't get to help people.' Oh STFU. Alex works in McDonalds and you're moaning about being a model. You're not in Big Brother to save the whale so stop bullshitting.

I'm glad Aaron didn't hear Alex and Louise eulogising Jeremy Kyle and Louis Walsh or steam might have been coming out of his ears.

Seriously, Aaron thinks he's entitled to that fucking 100k. But he's not stupid. He's not going to take any big prize. He'll be on the tenner, mark my words.

Where's the independant adjudicator? I don't trust Jay's lottery balls. I prefer set of balls number 6 and Guinevere, myself.

It's true that if Alex has the mega bucks, she can probably be trusted to split it honestly. I think if Aaron had got them it would have been bad gameplay, bad luck, bad everything. It could hurt Alex having the £30K.

I preferred the Barbie talk to the David Cameron talk. Jay doesn't like football!? He just went up in my estimation, I thought he was a classic football thug.

Tom is twitching about Alex having that 30 grand. Surely Big Brother isn't going to let them get away with that splitting it skullduggery.

Is Aaron retarded? Of course Big Brother isn't going to sort out giving you ten grand each, Big Brother shouldn't even ALLOW you to do ten grand each.

Tom's been quite amusing tonight, I've quite enjoyed his one-liners.

I wouldn't let ANYONE suck my toe, or suck ANYONE'S toe. Jay smirking at Tom's body; I'd rather fuck Tom than Jay. Aaron has the best body, actually, I think it's quite nice, and I liked his pants, too. Good on him gyrating on Tom; do you think he would have done that if Faye was there? I bet not!

Tom and Alex's conversation was interesting: they're both skirting round the issue. Tom seems to have got it sussed, he's not going to do well. It will be him or Louise out next.

Louise is coming on a bit strong! Hold the vicar. It's just sexual frustration.

Tom to Aaron: 'you're such a glum bastard.' True.

Big Brother 2011 - Swear down now on your mother's life

I thought Faye handled herself very well last night in the face of Brian's pathetic spitefulness. I liked it when she said she still loved him despite extreme provocation. In a way it's sad to see Faye go but I don't know why because I couldn't stand her. I suppose it's because it's a victory for Jay's team, isn't it?
Alex drinking full fat coke in bed for breakfast! Yum. My friend Kellie is here and she said (rather belatedly) 'it was sad to see Mark go.' No it wasn't!
Do you think Aaron is going to be wearing that fleece on final night?
I wish I had never had to see Louise in the diary room again, she's such a drip. I notice Aaron has to be forced to say 'I love you' back to Faye.
I'm so tired of Jay and Louise. So, so tired. A week of this is going to be depressing. It's hard to write this blog because my friends are talking too much. And also because it's all filler.
I think Louise just made a vulgar comment about Aaron going down on Faye. Yucks.
I don't like Faye's roman necklace, and I don't like her failed prayer to God.
Louise had bad controller's leg before she got evicted. I do admire Faye's eyebrows.
Alex: 'Faye is free-spirited.' No. DOES Aaron love Faye? I think he does in his own weird way.
The money-splitting convo: would YOU trust Aaron? At least he can do the sums, but after votegate who could trust him? Plus notice he said the winner gets the 50K plus the 10K hehe.
Will money tear them apart? Maybe, they're not that close anyway. Big Brother isn't going to let them split it between them like that anyway.
Jay: 'I'm not wired up right.' True. One week to go.

Big Brother 2011 - How mean is your spouse?

What is this song they're all dancing to? Z-Sync? Aaron is being super camp today. I reckon he had that child in quick so he can come out in his mid-thirties. I don't think I could go out with someone with the music taste of a 12-year-old girl.

Kim Woodburn is in the house! Should have sent Lauren Harries in instead.

I liked Alex's reaction to drinking the 'virgin mary' (non-alcoholic bloody mary). I'd go 'eww' too. I'm desperately trying to think of a virgin mary pun on my name. Spill-over virgin mary? Low-lit virgin mary? Up-turned virgin mary? Oh dear, as Aaron would say.

Those bucking bronco things look like they'd give you a cheap thrill if you were a girl. Yet at the same time, this task is anti-erotic.

Faye and Louise's sex talk was funny. 'Can you imagine Aaron at it?' 'No,' says his girlfriend.

Jay should have cling-filmed both legs at once. He probably gets off on that sort of stuff.

Aaron's faith in Faye: 'she'd take her top off for the right money.' Niiiiiiiiiiice. Mind you, how can we believe anything anyone says after John Crab 'magazine deal' Eyes James betrayed us all. by selling his soul to OK for a set of decks and a roll around with Josie.

Health and safety, Louise has banged her leg on a shelf. LOL to them deliberately rolling in the paint. If Aaron did that he'd be crucified. My eye would definitely be on the food for a week, not the transient thrills of a roll in some blue paint.

I quite like the skirts the ladies are wearing, they're quite demure. Aaron and Alex were quite fun in that task.

Tom: 'say hello to Aggie!' to Kim. I don't think they speak any more. Not sure where I read that, probably in the Daily Mail.

I like watching Faye pretending to be friendly to Louise and Louise pretending she likes Faye when they've been nominating other for weeks.

Tom looks like Where's Wally today. I didn't realise that smoking area was undercover - they've got all the mod cons, haven't they?

If this is the happiest Faye has been in her life, she must have had an awful life. So much for that wonderful friends and family, hey?

Jay saying 'you're my little princess' is creepy! He'll be giving it 'call me daddy' in a week's time.

Sorry my blog is duff, it's because we're coming to the end of days! BB needs to stir it up, quick.

Btw, I might miss the eviction tomorrow. But then Faye and Louise are hardly the big guns. I'll be here at some point over the weekend, probably when we're being force-fed thirty minutes of highlights.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm getting a semi

Please excuse me, I'm delirious and my computer aint much better.

Tom's tea frost! Perhaps a pash with Aaron would cheer him up. Jay's relationship advice isn't really worth the paper it's crayoned on. I think I'd rather have Aaron blowing hot and cold on me.

My boyfriend has Aaron's pyjama bottoms on. And it's not like an accident, he bought them from TKMaxx this week.

Yay, bring on Aaron and Jay's intellectual conversation. Sauna chat! Stephen Hawking - check. They should have shown that bit they showed on BOTS about the universe being in the shape of a horseshoe, that was much better. This cake-baking stuff is zzzz.

Jay mentioning shit - check! Is anything going to happen this episode? Ah, bad feelings about the couples task, good. Aaron and Alex's portrayal of Jay and Louise didn't mention shit! Fail.

I like the way Jay dropped his rap onto the next line like Eminem and his window pane/pain.

Louise: 'I love your little weird hands.' about Aaron. Cut to Aaron. Not a real smile. The Aaron/ Faye/ Maisy triangle was quite accurate. Tom's got the fleece on!

Aaron looks livid! 'I like to dress up in women's underwear' LOL. I can see some silent treatment coming on. You can't say Aaron doesn't provide the entertainment. His face says it all.

Aaron: 'Tom's insinuating I'm a paedophile.' Hardly. I wish Faye would just tell him to grow up and stop pandering to him.

Aaron: 'is this what you're wearing today?' WTF? The only reason you would ever say that is a negative reason. Clothes-gate!

'I'm falling in love with you. Aaron.' Only Faye could say that like 'I'm going for my STD results.'

Faye and Aaron are even arguing about dancing to A Million Love Songs!

I hope Tom and Alex do make it to Disney. Alex looked sick at the thought of Tom's willy! It's nice to watch someone have 'the best time ever'. It's not often you can pinpoint the best times ever until long after. And even then... you might not remember them.

Big Brother 2011 - Dappy is beautiful. Discuss.

This blog is a race against time before my computer breaks, I might have to finish it off on my phone. Two seconds in and Louise has mentioned the toilet! Shocker. She admits she knew what she was doing about the nominations. Will someone tell a very biased Brian Dowling and Jeff Brazier?

Why is Jay crawling up Aaron's arse? Oh, I know, that suitcase 'blu-tacked' to the wall. I'd like to see them blue tack 100K to the wall. I'd like to see Jay do it.

Let's get this straight right now, Louise is no saint, no sacrificial lamb. She voted for Faye as revenge for Aaron putting her up. Let's not pretend any different.

Another trite romantic gesture from Jay! Marriage material? He's not even one night stand material. 'I'm a good drawer!' He's no Rolf Harris.

Why is Faye doing a Northern Irish for Brian?

Aaron is 'being made to feel like he's done something wrong' LOL - just like Vincent Tabak. Aaron just admitted he liked Alex better than Faye. Well, who can blame him? But even Faye's not speaking to him now!

Those egg puns were getting on my nerves. I wouldn't like to eat my dinner in the DR with a camera in my face, it would put me off.

What sane person says their ideal man is Dappy? And he's beautiful?! Alex. You need a stronger prescription, glasses and meds-wise.

Aaron does hold an impressive grudge. I'm so crap at grudge holding! I had to call the police on one of my friends once and I still made up with them later. I'm lame at having enemies. Oh, actually, I can hold grudges with my family quite decently, scratch that.

As IF Aaron is going to go with Faye when he's out in the world! She's the 'best of a bad bunch' (in his eyes). And she's not even that!

Jay trying to win round of Aaron: 'you look like you've just been dug up.' Jay is being quite sweet 'politics is interesting'. Jay's the new Brian Cox. Jay is playing the game, but he's playing smart at the moment, smarter than Aaron. He could win it right now, but two weeks is a long time in that house.

Faye is right, who sits in front of their girlfriend and says 'I've got nothing in common with people in here.' You'd just be like 'what the fuck?' She just sits there sour, though, why doesn't she confront him? And I don't mean whining, I mean screaming! Are you glad you kept her in instead of Harry? Are you? Are you?!

I know what sort of films Jay can do, x-rated ones with Louise. Give it six months.

That Jay vs Aaron moon/ deep blue sea debate better be on the fucking highlights tomorrow. I need a good laugh.

Big Brother 2011 - And if the devil is six, then Aaron is seven

I just noticed that I never had Alex as a tag on my blog! WTF. So sorry, Alex. Especially as you're probably going to win it. And you're ace.

We were laughing when we saw Faye talking to Jay as you never see them talking. Then my boyfriend said 'imagine what Faye's mum would think if she was going out with Jay!' Fresh pillowcases, anyone? Aaron looks like Aled Jones in comparison.

Louise: 'my family's waiting for me.' ARE they? They told you to behave yourself BEFORE he said he was going to 'fuck you so hard your kidneys' were going to come out of your arsehole'. Not that that is really your fault. Except it is, because you fancy the disgusting pig! Honestly, put a pig in a vest and I'd rather fuck it than him. At least it would have manners.

Faye can't cook an egg. Get Glynn in to show her how it's done. Ahh ooh, ahh ooh. *this reference is for old people*

Jay pissing in the pool! Is there no beginning to his decorum? Can you imagine if a woman went on the way he did, talking about rimming, peeing in the pool and shitting off a cliff (Louise's name is Cliffe, incidentally - insert Sun-style pun here). He's worse than the book Wetlands, which describes all bodily functions in such graphic detail I had to give up on it halfway through.

Louise looks good as a witch.

Aaron IS the brains of the operation. I couldn't have worked out how to do the nominations so quickly. It's a bit boring them trying to fix it, though. Tom looks good as a skeleton, too. He's got heroin chic. Jay can't feel the electric shocks because he's such a meathead. I can't tell if these nominations are real now, but I know they're gonna fuck it up.

Notice they've made Aaron the devil! Editing! I liked Jay nominating Faye for her nighttime moaning at Aaron virtually word for word.

Aaron has fucked the 'two votes each' system! Love it. Underhand. Is he pretending he did it accidentally? He IS a gameplanner! He IS the devil! I like it.

Louise looks mad as hell as the witch. She enjoyed nominating Aaron. I LOVED her nominating Faye, too! Revenge. Her reasons for nominating we're spot on!

Uh oh, Aaron is going to get it in the NECK! The rivalries are back on. Faye's going to shit! Ah, if Louise had voted for Tom everyone would have been up!

Aaron admits he know exactly what he was doing! That's unfair, that shouldn't have been his decision to make. Even Louise knew he did it on purpose.

Aaron is playing a VERY dangerous game. But he's ALWAYS played a dangerous game. I really want Faye to go this week! And for Aaron to have the blood on his hands.

Interesting to see Tom covering for Aaron. But so he should, Aaron saved his arse. But Aaron is right, Tom and Alex doesn't to be up. No one could bring themselves to nominate Alex and Tom.

Aaron is shifting the blame onto Louise quite effectively. I admire his chutzpah.

Louise HASN'T sacrificed herself, she was after Faye because she was pissed off with Aaron, plus she couldn't work out the maths.

This could be good for Louise going up against a grumpy Faye. I bet Jem and the harridan mum are throwing things against the TV right now! Eat that!

Aaron, you shouldn't have voted for who you wanted to after telling everyone else something else. That's not an even playing field. He doesn't decide who goes in the final. Why isn't Jay kicking off?

Go on Louise, play the sympathy card HARD. This will be the end of Faye and Aaron. 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go'! Ding ding! Let's evict that miserable cow Faye, and teach Aaron about who gets to be in that prestigious final.

Why is Tom saying 'I hate Aaron' now? I'm confused!

Yes Aaron, you DO need to explain yourself in that DR chair. It was YOU who suggested the split vote! Him talking principles is hilarious! He'll sell them for anything cashable...

OMG everyone hates Aaron now. It would have been the chivalrous thing to do for them all to split the vote. Aaron was underhand, not principled. He should have pretended he fluffed it, at least.

Aaron is worried Alex will go! He might get a big shock on final night when she beats him. Aaron does NOT love Faye if he says he'd give Alex that free pass over her. If he said that to me and I was his alleged girlfriend I'd go fucking MENTAL. I'd rip his fucking head off. For once in her life she's got every right to be pissed off. Although let's not forget, she's put him up before. He doesn't give a shit, he really doesn't.

Oh Aaron. Jeff Brazier is going to be so mad at you, whilst Jenny Frost leers and twitches by his side on OKTV like a melting ventriloquist's dummy.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You play the game kamikaze style. I love you one minute and hate you the next. But I like it! I like all my ambivalent feelings. That's entertainment. Aaron FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - R&B's atrocious

Sorry I missed you last night, I was off at a party (shocker). It was touching to see how upset everyone was about Harry going, especially Alex. I love the fact Tom and Alex snog but don't mention it to each other or anyone else, it's very cool.

Jay drinking beer and belching was so gross. I think Louise is going to be so mortified in 6 months when they've split up and she looks back and sees her simpering by his side as he acts like a complete fucking animal. It was nice to see Aaron and Jay having a hug last night, though.

I love the description of Alex and Tom's conversations: 'what's your favourite tooth? What's your favourite toe?' It's a wonderful thing to behold.

Aaron's tattoo of a skull with a top hat on is sooooo naff. It suggests a severe lack of judgement.

I certainly hope Jay doesn't kill himself on his self imposed sauna task! Sauna's are so gross, I can't stand going in them, it's not natural.

Love Aaron picking Jay up on calling women 'birds'.

The secret mission is quite funny. Tom was quite a good choice for that task. Oh well, at least he got out of doing the cleaning.

This chipmunk task is like the club singer round in Shooting Stars. Nice to see Faye laughing and enjoying herself. Makes a bloody change. Jay singing Love Machine was also amusing just because it's quite incongruous. Dancing in the Moonlight is so perfect for Aaron to sing, that's probably playing in his car full time as he drives round Surrey or wherever he's from.

Aaron is going for the full Morrissey's 'reggae is vile' quote with 'r&b's atrocious'. He's right though, isn't he? Britpop and boy bands would have been much more pleasant. I wouldn't even sit in the same room that (most) r&b was playing. But you know Big Brother will try and spin this to 'Aaron's a racist' even though he's right, the music is rubbish and sexist. I'd be really disappointed if I could have had a bit of Moz and instead they played Neyo, or some shit. I like Aaron's 'cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-face' policy, I'm big on that, too. And I don't like Indian food, either! Look, I'm not a racist *points at Aaron*.

I've never seen Jay wear his winter babygro before. It's nice to hear Jay and Louise talking mushy in a way, because it reminds me of that early bit of a relationship when you can't think of anything else except this all-consuming passion. Nice feelings! Just with less farting.

Aaron is definitely playing up to the cameras tonight! Little bastard dancing in the loo on his own. He is so acting up. He's treading a fine line, that one.

They've all got onesies on! When did this happen? Who's sponsoring them!?

Big Brother 2011 - You're the one for me, Harry

I'm watching this an hour late so maybe you already know who's gone but maybe not. It is quite an exciting eviction this week! I don't really want any of them to go in a way, which sounds wrong. I hope it's Faye, Faye or Jay.

Faye's got a nice bum, I'd rather look at that than her face. Aaron is being quite camp today. I like that jumper Faye's got on. How can they still be wearing clothes I haven't seen them wear yet?

Tom looks like he's got new clothes on, too. I think Tom got quite lucky this year in a way, that the big characters took the heat off him, because in another year I think he would have been more of a target, even though I really like him.

Faye's mum is a stony-faced old bitch. They're booing her! Lol. GET FAYE OUT. I like Aaron's brother's coat.

Who's that standing behind Harry's girlfriend? He looks like he's out on license. Jay's mum's hat looks like Harry might want to shoot it once he gets out.

Boxing ring! Ugh I had to stop watching Eastenders due to that fucking boxing ring, it's following me round.

Faye's wrestling name is so crap. Are they doing this task to get her votes? I wouldn't like people touching my feet. Harry is the least sexy wrestler ever. It's quite a good task, really. Faye's got a cob on about the wrestling. Makes a change. Defeated by the ankle-biter.

Faye-in-a-box is actually smiling since the sister of doom went!

Aaron's dancing is good! I like it. I can impersonate the signature dance move of most of my close friends. I like Tom and Alex hiding behind the barbecue, they are too cute.

I want Jay to go now, Faye and Aaron are being bearable tonight. Yes, bearable!

They don't bother putting punctuation on Jay's subtitles, because let's face it, he wouldn't.

Aaron: 'I love you.' Faye: *insert negative comment here*. She's right though, he doesn't love her. What about that Range Rover?! They've mounted the cash in a briefcase! Anton would like that.

At least Jay has the good grace to say thanks for those votes, unlike Aaron. Argh, I keep liking Jay again! Boo.

Oh no, I'm so gutted Harry went. I knew I should have chucked him another vote. How could Faye be more popular than him? I lay this squarely on the shoulders of Jem. Aw to Aaron and Faye crying. Oh Alex is howling!

Harry shouldn't have gone out like that. Common People! Harry should have been in the final. Fuck those tactical votes.

My boyfriend just said if Paddy can win it, Jay can win it, and he's right.

Couldn't Harry's parents have afforded a brace for him when he was younger? I can't honestly believe Harry is sitting there right now. It's so rubbish.

LOL to Aaron sobbing like a baby in the background. 'Jay is the horse with three legs' lol. Fuck off Brian, what are you, an honorary member of the Wolfpack? I don't think they let gay people in.

I liked Harry's rows. He was passionate about not very much. Harry will always be remembered for 'I'm sorry, Harry, did you say FIVE HUNDRED bananas?' Is Brian SERIOUSLY having a go at Harry about that? Pathetic. I'm losing faith in Dowling more and more every week, he's picking people up on pointless shit whilst glossing over genuine sexism and other bad crap.

Alex's sad face in the background was cute. Harry's leaving message was sweet. Harry looked emotional! I'm glad he said Alex was his favourite. I will miss Harry.

That house is a much poorer place without him. Six showmances and no posh boy. Boo. Mind you, this is a great British public (t.m. Jeremy Kyle) who voted for Kerry Katona over the immense Jedward. You anger me!

I think it must be between Aaron and Alex to win. And as lovely as Alex is, she's still sort of a floater. It feels like Aaron's worked for it a bit. Mind you, a LOT can happen in two weeks. A lot.

Bye, Harry. Go shoot something. And make it Faye's mum.

Big Brother 2011 - It's been absolutely fantastic

Sorry I'm late, we went to Tesco and it dragged on a lot, but not as long as the Faye and Aaron saga (correct word).

God, is Jem still there? Let's wrap this shit up and move on. She's a piece of work and she doesn't deserve the oxygen, much less the airtime.

What is that bit they're showing with Aaron and Faye arguing last night? We never saw that! What were they arguing about, was it the Range Rover? Another big gap they're not bothering to show us, instead showing us Jem threatening to leave 70 billion times. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I think Aaron is being a bit unfair to Aaron; a lot of young girls go 'I want x kids and this house' and all that bullshit. It doesn't mean anything, it's just idle chat.

My Sky TV just died then and we were just going to make up what happened in the rest of the episode but we resurrected it somehow. I sort of wish I hadn't as it's 24/7 Jem. Just proves what a selfish bitch she is to go even knowing that it put Faye at risk. I actually cared about that yesterday, but I don't today, because this story has been done to death. Once I've seen someone on BOTS I'm not really interested in what happened in the house because it's old news.

Glad Alex and Tom are still getting on. I wish they showed a lot more of the humour in the house.

Faye can't even bear his own company when he's having a poo!

Doesn't Faye get hat hair when she wears those stupid hats? I've got a hat a bit like that (despite calling it stupid) and it makes my fringe go mental.

Jem talking to camera. Jem talking at all. Just go away. God, this Big Brother is dire. Is she going to pack her own bag or just order someone else to do it for her like Mark did?

It's a bit late for the motivation speeches, Jem, after you've been in there and broken her. She's a manipulative motherfucker.

I'm so glad they didn't just put Harry and Aaron up, that would have sucked so bad. It does feel like the 'big guns' are up now, and I sincerely hope Faye goes. I'm really worried that Harry might be a bit vulnerable now.

If that's Jem's idea of an 'absolutely fantastic' time I'd hate to see her having an emotional breakdown. She doesn't deserve 'best bits'. She came, she made Faye cry, she left. She could have just stayed one more day, she would have been evicted anyway.

I couldn't drink that cinnamon shot! Yuck, look at all that powder! Ick.

I wonder what they're going to play at this rave, I hope it's Darude and Zombie Nation. It's like a 90s rave every night round my friend Adam's house, musically. So who do we reckon are the real pillheads? I reckon Jay, Aaron and Tom. Faye would be anti (obviously). I don't think Alex needs it.

You never see them in the pool, do you? Because it's October, I guess!

Who designs the McDonalds uniforms? Hamburglar or Jasper Conran? Could be either. What 'dirty' tunes did they play? Bass in the place? Josh Wink? Sonique? Born Slippy? Not fucking FAITHLESS, surely? Glow stick it up your arse!

Big Brother 2011 - U r a knob

Sorry I'm late, I was trying to kick start my piece-of-shit laptop into life, by wiggling the wire to make it try and switch on. I'm a hairline crack away from electronic meltdown plus my netbook is fucked, plus my computer monitor is broken. I also spent half an hour dangling a coat hanger down the back of my fireplace tonight trying to save a tenner that fluttered through a crack, so you could say I'm on my uppers. It's been a bit of a shit day.

Now, which great philosopher once said, 'It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn a thousand trees!' That's right, little Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, who Aaron is turning to in his hour of need. It's more like Will Young's 'Leave right now' in that hell-house at the moment. At what point would you say the Stereophonics went down the dumper? Mr Writer would be the obvious answer, but let's face it, there were big problems from album 2 onwards. Still, an undeniable debut.

I don't blame Alex for lying about snogging Tom. Who in their right mind would jump on that showmance train? I HATE the way Faye deals with Aaron! 'What, with Maisy?' What is her problem?!

I can see Jay in his Del Boy outfit full time in a few years time. Having said that, I thought he was being quite kind to Aaron earlier when he was having one of his turns. Ten minute segments indeed. I have to take this show in ten minute segments. But I'm only allowed the amount specified by Big Brother.

LOL to them favouring a ten-year-old's general knowledge over Faye. She's gonna be a right mardy cow. I was shit at that general knowledge quiz, too. I only got 4. That kid was kind of stupid. They should have got a brainbox in to humiliate her.

Harry, you'll never look foxy, fox outfit or not. Hope they tear him to bits at the end. Harry was gleeful as a fox. I wish they'd teach him a proper lesson about hunting; like lock him in a task room and get PETA or Morrissey to talk some sense into him, with diagrams, and Harry's girlfriend as a hostage. Now THAT'S a task.

I wonder if that bookies smells like a bookies. Bet it don't. That smell cannot be replicated.

Aaron is so camp singing High School Musical. Nice to see him smiling, though. I wish Big Brother would be nicer to them sometimes.

Eww, Harry's sweaty bum! Gross.

Jem wants to leave so Faye can have fun! Hilarious. She's right though, it is more fun without Jem. Yes, she should leave them to it. Jem: 'it's all about Faye.' Because you're obsessed with her! This leaving conversation is interminable, I've heard it like a million times! Just show her leaving and let's get on with our lives.

Jay doesn't need someone to feed his energy, he needs someone to feed his idiotic ego. I can't relate to people who are upset that they can't exercise or socialise. I could exist quite happily in one room for a month, doing nothing and seeing no one.

Why should Aaron try and change Faye's mum's perception of him? Faye's mum should go fuck herself. She should have drowned her miserable daughters at birth and saved us all a headache.

Faye wants three kids OR a Range Rover. Aaron is going to give her a telling off in the DR now. Aaron, watch your mouth, what will Faye's mum say? Why doesn't he have that conversation with Faye?

Faye and Aaron: over because of a fictional Range Rover. God help us!

Big Brother 2011 - She spreads her legs for anyone

Obviously I know about the nominations FIX. There's no doubt it's an entertaining twist, but I'm not very happy with the result. I DO think Aaron is being picked on by Big Brother. If it had been Aaron and Harry up I would have been super livid. As it is, it feels like a fix to keep Jay in.

I find Tom a lot more attractive than I used to. I think he's feeling the same way about Alex!

I agree with what Harry and Aaron said about Jem. Did he say she's so not 'real' or 'regal'? Hard to tell with Harry.

Aaron has a room dedicated to Lego. Eek. I like hearing the inane conversations they never show in the highlights. Not-radamaus! Nearly, Jay.

Aaron's worried little face during these nominations was a sight to behold. 'Imagine if your mum nominates me.' Jem: 'that would be so amazing.' Nice. Classy lady.

Alex's mum's nominations were spot on! The sisters arguing IS tedious! It's interesting to see if the friends and family nominate people THEY want to nominate, or who they think the person in the house would want them to nominate.

I think Faye's mum is thick as shit for nomination Harry and Aaron - Faye's ALLIES. Idiot. It's also very cruel to Faye. I think it's appalling. Fuck Jem going 'I'm proud of her.' It's emotional blackmail and it's horrid; my mum would never do that to me. Give Faye some autonomy, ffs. No wonder she's so miserable with all these women trying to run her life for her.

Harry's girlfriend gave very polite nominations! Aaron is doing a thousand-yard stare right now. Bad buzz.

Jay's mum is talking turkey about Aaron. What IS his gameplan!? Him and tray BOTH treat each other bad. I'm glad she nominated Faye, though.

Jem is a disgrace! I hated her reaction to her boyfriend's nominations. Aaron is SEETHING.

Louise's mum having a dig at Louise to 'be good'. We know what that means, don't we? Poor Aaron. I don't think he deserves this. He can be a prick, but he doesn't deserve this much demonisation.

I liked Tom saying his mum's nomination was a bad choice. Aaron DOES create a negative vibe, but so DOES FAYE! Why is Faye getting away with EVERYTHING?!

Aaron has to remember that the public have given him the most votes to save a million times over so he'd be NUTS to walk. If I was Faye now I'd go hug Aaron. If she loves him she should go reassure him. She doesn't give a fuck about him!

Fuck off talking about what you saw outside, Jem, you're not allowed to talk about it! Get her out. She's a fucking bitch.

It is SOOOOO unfair the way they are talking about Aaron; is everyone else whiter than white? I think the parents are COLLUDING to get Aaron out because he's so popular. It's a fucking fix.

Faye, why don't you follow your heart and stop listening to everyone else. You can't can you, because you DON'T HAVE THE SPINE.

I hate the thought that Faye will be in the final, because she's absolutely horrible. She's a horrible person. Aaron is misguided, but he's NOT HORRIBLE. He's not a bad person. This is a conspiracy. If I was Faye I'd be saying, 'I'm so sorry my mum and my sister are complete heartless arseholes.' She says NOTHING!

Big Brother IS portraying Aaron in a bad light. He's a moody bugger, but he's intelligent, and he's a nice guy.

I hope Faye's mum is happy that she's made Faye too scared to go home, now. Faye: you can always bunk up in Aaron's Lego room. FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Who wants to let their HEAD rule their HEART? Rubbish!

Meanwhile Aaron is saying he's falling in love with her. Why? Who knows. I don't think she's got one redeeming feature.

Harry's right: trust your OWN instinct, not these fucked-up family members with an agenda.

Jem has come to the Diary Room TO GLOAT. It's not your decision to decide who's right for someone else. It's YOU with the negative attitude. I don't think I've ever seen a smile on her face. I'm gonna spend a quid evicting that gristly old nagging shrew this week. A quid!

Faye you are so pathetic dumping Aaron because your mum told you to. You going to jump off a cliff cos your mum told you to? Faye, in the words of Sheryl Crow, If it makes you happy... it can't be that bad. Oh.

I don't BLAME Aaron for wanting to leave after what they've done to him. They've stitched him up good and proper. Faye, don't let him go. Not in his teacher's fleece.

Big Brother, I hope you are happy, you awful, awful people. You've destroyed this show in so many different ways and now you're probably driving Aaron to suicide. I hope he tops himself in the kitchen and sinks your horrible little freakshow FOREVER!

Big Brother 2011 - Snog and grind

I'm surprised Faye defended Jay and Louise's under-cover antics when she's so worried about what people think. Maybe she thinks it takes the heat off her and Aaron's so-called relationship.

Sauna sex chat! Gross.

Louise and Jay having a snog and a grind! Gross. I guess that 'chemistry' kicked in (ie. desperation). I'm so bored of these 'romances'. Nomances!

Aaron calling Jem awkward. He can talk! They're both total oddballs.

Harry: 'my friends are prim and proper'. Why is he being a dick to Alex? Alex dealt with him nicely. She's quite funny.

I'm not even going to mention them bringing in people from the outside world for tasks any more, that ship has well and truly sailed. Grrrrrrr.

Tom was the best in that task. How come Louise gets a grotty fat man? Jay: 'she's got some tits on her.' VILE.

That conversation between Faye and Louise was very loaded. Especially considering they don't like each other. What's the point in whispering 'starting to fall for him'? Faye is sooooo uptight!

Harry is being SOOOOO rude to Alex! It is kind of funny, though. Why does he think he's too good for her! Who cares what mummy honeybunch thinks? Filler!

Aaron is feeling 35% love for Faye. is the other 65% unbridled hate? The coded conversations are so transparent.

Harry and Aaron are having a very dangerous conversation! They are always skirting around nomination chat.

What the hell is going on with Tom and Alex? I hope they don't snog because it will ruin a good friendship. It's kind of cute, though. I think they're just getting desperate. Either way; they're the most genuine couple in the house.

Big Brother 2011 - What will our friends and family say?

I wasn't even going to bother to write this blog today cos I thought if the producers are going to treat me like a cunt, why should I bother publicising their rotten little show? But then I saw they were showing the audition tapes and changed my mind - turncoat!

I think the problem with Aaron and Faye is that they fancy each other but they don't like each other. Jem is always 'what will our friends and family think' - who knows, maybe one person might think one thing, one person might think another, rather than being one homogeonous lump of judgement! Ever considered that?

The way Jem is eating her breakfast is making me feel physically sick and the fact she's eating it in bed isn't helping.

Did Jay just said 'I didn't ride her' about having sex with someone? Women aren't fucking horses! What a loathsome man. How can Louise sit there giggling, dead-eyed and pretend she fancies that, when she doesn't, and if she does, she needs to change her medication.

Oh Faye, just fucking leave already you immature, manipulative, pathetic little parasite. Affecting your Big Brother experience? Your affecting my Big Brother experience with your dreary drab face, your whinging monotone voice and your cold unpleasant sister. Why don't you both just fuck off?

Rowing task. What is this music they're playing over the top of it, I feel like I'm stucking a Nintendo game (window pane). Four hours rowing!

Aaron telling Louise and Jay he took his wife's name when they got married (well, went double-barrelled) and Louise went 'I've never heard of that before.' WTF! I am literally agog. Just how thick is this bitch? Then she goes 'I won't change my name then' and caveman Jay goes 'yeah you will.' Yeah and put his fucking tea on and do his washing whilst you're at it, and no you're not going out with your friends and why have you got all that make up on? *puts head in hands* *gnashes teeth*

That has probably shocked me more than anything I've seen this series. Go on Louise, 'spit out' those babies, be a good girl. Do you think she's ever even heard of feminism? Do you think she's ever even had a boyfriend make her a cup of tea or give her more than three minutes foreplay? She probably thinks it's Christmas when she gets oral sex or allowed out for the night, she's so fucking subservient.

Sorry, I'm in quite a bad news tonight, so I'm on a bit of a bile roll. The problem is, there's almost no one to champion in the house.

'I could still do the task, I just can't be bothered etc'. Clearly. I'm just waiting for Jay to get upset about being beaten by a girl. It must be hard to do that for eight hours. I wouldn't last eight fucking minutes. I love Alex! She was determined.

Aaron shaking his head when Faye's video was showing is a bit rich considering he slagged off 'gobby women' and called himself a womaniser. I don't think Aaron and Faye can really have a go at each other about the audition videos, as they both came across as absolute cocks. That won't stop them, though, obviously.

Aaron is stewing on something! How can he say he's a ladies man if he's not had sex in seven years! I smell bullshit. I know they lie on their vids, but he is too shady.

What ARE Jay and Louise doing under those covers? Not hiding from their brothers, that's for sure!

Jem moaning about wanting to leave is a bit ungrateful after the public voted to save her. Just leave if you want to leave and stop hanging it over people's heads. Piss off and take your comedy hats with you!

What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? So Jem is going to leave because Faye's smoking? Chuck her in the pool. Fucking hell, the emotional blackmail going on right there! Families, hey! That unconditional love knows no bounds. That blood really is thicker than water - really, really thick. Do we have to watch quite so much of this? It's boring as fuck.

Jem 'I don't think I should stay for the people who voted.' I'm glad I didn't vote for that cunt. Ungrateful bitch.

If you really want to go and they're giving you that 'go sleep on it' shit I'd just start banging my head against the wall, it's not a fucking prison. I'm always looking to make my exit in any given situation. Or just go spit on someone. Or call them dish out some race hate. That seems to have worked in the past. Oh no, they can't do that, they've voted out all the black people. And almost all the women. Jay McCaveman and his limpet girlfriend FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - Re-issue, repackage

Anton eviction: two highlights. One: Jem's face when she was saved. Two: Jay's face directly after. Twitchy isn't the word. Imagine being less popular than some hard-faced adjunct who's only been in there two weeks. Now that's the public really sending a strong message. I would have loved to have seen him go instead of Anton. The fact that Jay thought the public would be enthralled by all their crypt claptrap says a lot about his taste in entertainment.

Anton was good in his interview, and left a classy goodbye speech. Brian let himself down a bit by crawling up his arse. Besides, I don't think sexism was Anton's defining feature. It was being an enormous prick.

Villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain bye.

What is this week long catch up for? Stop pandering to 'casual viewers'. There are no 'casual viewers'. But you're in danger of making your regular viewers casual.

OMG I literally can't believe that this has been all recap so far. WTF am I supposed to write my blog about? They are taking us for absolute cunts. As if it's not embarrassing enough admitting to people that you still watch Big Brother, about five years after everyone else did, now they are taking us for complete mugs, too. I'm actually appalled. If I miss a TV show, I don't expect that next time I tune in everyone else who did watch it should have to sit through someone patronisingly telling me what I missed. I just catch the fuck up. It's not exactly The Wire, is it?

My boyfriend just said they give us so little anyway, and to take more away is just unfair. It's true, it's like they're picking on us! Where's the logic?

In that insulting recap, I hadn't actually seen Tom getting Harry's letter, or Faye pathetically going 'I really like you' to Aaron.

Jay is devastated, yeah, devastated that he got beats by Jem.

Faye's drunk and being a dick again. Another row! Boo. Go hide under your covers again, Aaron.

Are they or aren't they allowed to talk about nominations now? Who knows.

Jem: 'At some point tomorrow I'd like to have a chat with you.' Scary! Aaron shouldn't say those bridges are burnt- if you love someone you make an effort with their family. It's your duty, no matter how awful they might be, and Jem did offer to talk to him about it, albeit in a threatening way. That proves to me that Aaron doesn't care one jot about Faye.

Why has Faye got some hat from Downton Abbey hat on? Why when Faye says 'I really like you' does it sound like a threat?I just glaze over when Louise and Jay are on.

Eww to Jay staring in the mirror while cuddling Louise; gross. And were they shagging at the end? The thing is... I just don't care anymore. A new low in the BB legacy tonight.

Big Brother 2011 - I don't want to see a ghost, rather have a piece of toast

I'm a bit fed up cos I missed the first 10 minutes and I hate watching things late. I normally just refuse to watch them at all because I'm cut-off-your-nose-to-spite-my-face like that. I like Alex's zombie look, this is making me want to watch the Walking Dead. The make-up is quite decent.

Faye looked like she had a wet bum in the DR. Aaron is aroused by the zombie look! Anton and Jay are enjoying a good eyeful, too. I think Anton is so gutted that he never got off with anyone in that house, it's poisoned him.

'A full effort!' Aaron is like a virtual Shakespeare. It's like deja vu with him and Faye, are they/ aren't they/ who cares.

This film premier looks like a star-studded event. Angelina? Cruise? Shia LaBeouf, even? No, it's Lucien Laviscount and Bobby Sable. Alex Reid aint even there.

I just texted my friend to find out what happened in the first 10 mins and she said she was napping. How can you nap through the crypt twist, this TV bronze?

I hope Paranormal Activity 3 is better than 1 which just involved a creaking door and a couple so interminable you were praying for them to die, and quickly.

Alex looks good as a zombie. She's pissing me off being so scared of nothing, though. She's losing brownie points here.

Jay and Anton are trashing the garden. They are getting Evil Dick heavy metal music like they play in BBUSA when someone goes crazy. A cushion in a tree? They'll know Jay is the culprit.

Aaron is going to go bananas about that mess. Hope he enjoyed that creaky door 3.

What a load of non-seance! I'm ouija bored. No, I'm not really, I just wanted to use some bad puns. They should have played Ouija Board by Morrissey over this bit.

LOL to how unshocked they all looked when Anton and Jay popped up. Thought Jay and Anton were going to 'play it ghoul'?

Smart move by Anton to put Jem up. It's who do you think you can beat, isn't it? 'Faye and Anton just got together'? Rilly?

I HATE Jay and Anton lording it over everyone, it's gross. Jay alluding to something and then not saying what is pathetic. How can Jem trust Jay? Him and Anton just put her up! Why would Faye and Jem believe what Jay said, anyway?

How dare Harry be 'energetic and excited' in the DR!? Evict him immediately. Aaron: 'I don't know what to believe.' Believe your friend.

Jay: 'Faye needs to pipe down a bit'. You can fucking talk, you absolute prick. I'd love to see this cunt go out this week.

Anton's behaviour is giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. Louise, you are thick if you're believing this bullshit. I hate this hatchet job they are doing on Harry, it's so unfair. Just don't FALL FOR IT!

Why is Faye digging Aaron out about Jem? Shouldn't she trust her OWN BOYFRIEND? God, this lot deserve each other, they really do. Save Harry!

PS: I'm off out tomorrow night (shocking stuff) so there may not be a blog. See you at the weekend, zombinos.

Big Brother 2011 - Own ghoul

I like the twist, I mean, not the people getting an unfair advantage, but the idea of the crypt, anyway. And the outfits. I don't really like not knowing what's going on, or Anton or Jay getting special privileges or power. They got a fried breakfast, ffs! And they're the most hated people in the house. That's just not cricket, honeybunch.

Aaron and Harry should be a bit savvy, though, and consider the fact that Anton and Jay could be watching.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, don't we, Sree?

Every time Louise comes to the DR I lose the will to live. She don't half prattle on.

So can they see the Diary Room or not? I heard they can, which isn't right. And they got live feed and we don't! This is BS.

There's blood coming out of the shower! Well that's a convenient excuse to perv on Louise, Harry.

Anton looks like the Emperor from Star Wars in his ghoulie garb. I think I kind of like it.

Get that miserable bitch Faye, next! Bury her alive.

Interesting to see Anton watch Aaron sympathising with him in the sauna. Jay on the live feed: 'This is like watching paint dry.' Ungrateful!

I hate the way Faye tries to manipulate Aaron. She's constantly trying to trip him up. They really are both as bad as each other. I think what Jem said in the DR was a fair cop, to be honest.

I think Anton is getting a bit carried away with his cape, he's like a machiavellian muppet.

Aaron... you've actually thought about sleeping with your 'girlfriend'! PERVERT! The way she reacts to things is fucking pathetic. I don't think Aaron creates dramas to get air time. I just think him and Faye are completely incompatible.

Uh oh, I don't like Anton and Jay plotting against Aaron. They have a totally unfair advantage. Anton is plotting a very dastardly plan!

OMG they are showing them the Diary Room! A bond of trust has been abused... something of value... has been lost. Do they care nothing for traditions? Honestly, I find that quite shocking. You could say something highly personal in there. It kind of backfired, too, because Aaron was saying nice things about Jay and Anton.

Quite telling that Jay's biggest insult for someone is to call them a 'girl'. Those bodies in the hall are scary!

I think Alex is overdoing the histrionics a bit. Even she twigged the chihuahua story wasn't true. I want to know what little monster they do have in that cage. I think Alex would rather see Tinkerbell than Tashie. I definitely would.

Jem always says she doesn't know Aaron. But she lives with him!

Harry's not dressed as Tim Henman's dad today. He's dressed more like he found some things in a lost property box. Anton is pan-faced at Harry's DR lols.

My boyfriend just said they should show the house what idiot 1 and 2 have been doing in the crypt. But will they? They need to do something to even the score.

I hope Anton NEVER makes it back into that house. And I hope they evict the cunt in that outfit.

Now, please excuse me, I've just got to take a call on my crypt phone.