It feels like about three months ago that the last America's next top model ended. In fact, I'm sure it WAS three months ago. I feel like i've watched six series in about a year. Is Tyra a workaholic? Should they rename the show America's Next Top Model (for five seconds)?
Now Tyra is back with another line up of walking skeletons and as usual we settle down to watch and say 'Urgh! She's ugly!' about 45 times. There MUST be some better looking people in the whole of the USA. Where do they GET these people? I can't decide who's the ugliest, the freakish asian girl (after three weeks of looking at Shilpa, she is just unacceptable) or the twins who look like a pair of rednecks. Seriously, have any of these 'models' even been laid? If so, how?
I'm not saying there aren't some good bodies there. These women's legs are so different looking to mine theirs may as well be slivers of moonbeam and mine buckets full of sludge. It's a different stratosphere of legginess and skinnyness.
So far I like the cute alternative one with short hair. She'll no doubt get kicked out quick sharp cos the ones I like aways do.
About halfway through the show I panicked and suddenly thought, 'Where's Nigel?' We need his English sense of reserve and reason. I hope he shows up in the next show or we're stuck with Tyra's ever growing sixhead, 'Miss' J's Pocahontas schtick and that gay guy with the silver hair whom I always think should be on Queer Eye. I take it Twiggy's fucked off back to Marks and Spencers as well.
I like the bits where they cut off all their hair and make them even uglier. Isn't it weird though, how the most distorted face can take the coolest pictures? Very handy that!
Monday, 29 January 2007
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Kindness is a Strength
Six people was a lot to whip out in one night. First two, Jack and Danielle were no suprise: Jack's realisation that they were hated as he walked downstairs was the most astute he's been in three weeks. Danielle did not get the lynching I expected, either by the crowd or Davina. Jo had a much harder time, and had to face it alone. Danielle tittered her way through the clips of her abusing Shilpa. Still: just wait till she gets home and finds her stuff dumped on Teddy Sherringham's lawn- that's enough punishment for one day, I suppose.
Ian was thrilled to come fourth, and it was begrudgingly cute to watch him brimming over with excitement that the public loved him (or at least didn't hate him as much as the others).
So we were left with an all-star non-English final. Dirk came third- so that was my 50p down the drain. He gave good interview as I knew he would and did look slightly disappointed to come third.
So then, the proof we're not racist, and we hate our own as much as everyone else, we had a non-white top two. And Shilpa was STILL getting booed! Are Channel 4 so stupid that they don't realise this looks slightly wrong? They should have taken out the errant booers and shot them in the face or something. That's how I'd deal with it.
Jermaine expected to win, I suspect, but I was glad he didn't. Words of wisdom are fine, but he dished out more cliches than an Eastenders script. Still, he was fairly accurate most of the time, and was a genuinely lovely guy, whom I fully expected to hate on Day One. Which leads me to wondering... am I wrong about Michael Jackson? Let's not even go down that road, it's too scary...
And then there was one. Shilpa looked genuinely hurt when she saw the others abusing her on the clips. Her forgiveness of Jade and 'not wanting to cause trouble' was lovely: YOU didn't cause trouble, Shilpa, other people did.
So in the end, the top three were all successful people, all decent people, all kind people. What did Britain have to offer? A couple of people who were happy to walk by on the other side as someone got hurt, a group of people who hated someone because she was different to them, and three eccentrics who (quite wisely) buggered off before the going got really tough. Leo provided the truest comedy, and we could have done with a lot more of it.
So what will Big Brother in the summer be like? Will we get a sanitised, Cameron-esque line up? What's more likely is that the producers will push it even more, probably hoping to have the first death/ pregnancy/ stabbing on the show.
Personally, I'd like a return to more normal characters, but not boring ones. People with brains even, and diverse interests, rather than the usual page-three girl offerings. I'd also like to see a vote to save instead of a vote to evict, so we can kick out the dead wood early.
I'd like to see Big Brother NOT meddling with nominations, NOT being evil, NOT giving us stupid twists, NOT letting people back in the house once they've left. Let us feel in control again, and then we can be to blame if it ends up a crap show.
At least it will be ours again. Because I'd hate to see it cancelled. It's still the best thing on telly.
Ian was thrilled to come fourth, and it was begrudgingly cute to watch him brimming over with excitement that the public loved him (or at least didn't hate him as much as the others).
So we were left with an all-star non-English final. Dirk came third- so that was my 50p down the drain. He gave good interview as I knew he would and did look slightly disappointed to come third.
So then, the proof we're not racist, and we hate our own as much as everyone else, we had a non-white top two. And Shilpa was STILL getting booed! Are Channel 4 so stupid that they don't realise this looks slightly wrong? They should have taken out the errant booers and shot them in the face or something. That's how I'd deal with it.
Jermaine expected to win, I suspect, but I was glad he didn't. Words of wisdom are fine, but he dished out more cliches than an Eastenders script. Still, he was fairly accurate most of the time, and was a genuinely lovely guy, whom I fully expected to hate on Day One. Which leads me to wondering... am I wrong about Michael Jackson? Let's not even go down that road, it's too scary...
And then there was one. Shilpa looked genuinely hurt when she saw the others abusing her on the clips. Her forgiveness of Jade and 'not wanting to cause trouble' was lovely: YOU didn't cause trouble, Shilpa, other people did.
So in the end, the top three were all successful people, all decent people, all kind people. What did Britain have to offer? A couple of people who were happy to walk by on the other side as someone got hurt, a group of people who hated someone because she was different to them, and three eccentrics who (quite wisely) buggered off before the going got really tough. Leo provided the truest comedy, and we could have done with a lot more of it.
So what will Big Brother in the summer be like? Will we get a sanitised, Cameron-esque line up? What's more likely is that the producers will push it even more, probably hoping to have the first death/ pregnancy/ stabbing on the show.
Personally, I'd like a return to more normal characters, but not boring ones. People with brains even, and diverse interests, rather than the usual page-three girl offerings. I'd also like to see a vote to save instead of a vote to evict, so we can kick out the dead wood early.
I'd like to see Big Brother NOT meddling with nominations, NOT being evil, NOT giving us stupid twists, NOT letting people back in the house once they've left. Let us feel in control again, and then we can be to blame if it ends up a crap show.
At least it will be ours again. Because I'd hate to see it cancelled. It's still the best thing on telly.
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Final Eve
Big Brother should have ended on Friday really. These last two days feel like no mans land. Danielle was crying for herself? No kidding. She even admitted it. Jack's hugging of her looked more authentic than of Jade, but then she always did seem a bit frosty towards him.
Dirk looked happy to stay and even admitted it would be 'kinda cool' to win it. He's done more than Jermaine and Shilpa, who have played it well but safe.
Tomorrow should be interesting. How will they cram in SIX interviews? Jack's will only take 30 seconds admittedly. They didn't even show his wank on the highlights!
Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer... oh, it's all very tiring and slightly inconsequential. Hey ho.
Dirk looked happy to stay and even admitted it would be 'kinda cool' to win it. He's done more than Jermaine and Shilpa, who have played it well but safe.
Tomorrow should be interesting. How will they cram in SIX interviews? Jack's will only take 30 seconds admittedly. They didn't even show his wank on the highlights!
Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer... oh, it's all very tiring and slightly inconsequential. Hey ho.
Friday, 26 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The Good That Won't Come Out
The British public, populated by chavs and oiks as it is, did the right thing. Despite Cleo's heartbreaking Kenny story (actually, that WAS quite sad) Dirk so determinedly catching a big fish in the relative dryness BB living room swung it for him. Danielle's realisation that her 'best friends' were the unpopular crowd was classic. You're next, honey! I shall point an old school style lottery finger at you and waggle it hard.
How weird would it have been if Jo and DIRK had left to a gaggle of boos? How unfair! Sure Jo needed a bodyguard but that would have been unusual viewing indeed.
Davina's interviews went back to their usual lame territory tonight: Jo's was too short and was like a surly teen being ticked off by a ineffectual cover teacher. She didn't look or say sorry. And why should she? She hadn't been coached by Jade's PR man.
Cleo should have been taken to task a LOT more. Her victimisation of Dirk was gross. Showing her the bit where he dissed her saggy cleavage was a low blow though. Low, but enjoyable. I guess watching clips of her comedy characters dying on their arses one by one was punishment enough. Saying she wanted Jack or Danielle to win and for Davina to say 'Wait until you read the papers!' was silly: like that's gonna change her mind if three weeks locked in a house with them didn't. Dur.
OK: only one more heartfelt aren't-you-naughty style interview to go, then we can get on with crowning the top three, all of whom won't be English, and probably will run away from England as fast as their lickle legs will carry 'em.
And who could resent them for that?
How weird would it have been if Jo and DIRK had left to a gaggle of boos? How unfair! Sure Jo needed a bodyguard but that would have been unusual viewing indeed.
Davina's interviews went back to their usual lame territory tonight: Jo's was too short and was like a surly teen being ticked off by a ineffectual cover teacher. She didn't look or say sorry. And why should she? She hadn't been coached by Jade's PR man.
Cleo should have been taken to task a LOT more. Her victimisation of Dirk was gross. Showing her the bit where he dissed her saggy cleavage was a low blow though. Low, but enjoyable. I guess watching clips of her comedy characters dying on their arses one by one was punishment enough. Saying she wanted Jack or Danielle to win and for Davina to say 'Wait until you read the papers!' was silly: like that's gonna change her mind if three weeks locked in a house with them didn't. Dur.
OK: only one more heartfelt aren't-you-naughty style interview to go, then we can get on with crowning the top three, all of whom won't be English, and probably will run away from England as fast as their lickle legs will carry 'em.
And who could resent them for that?
Thursday, 25 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Snow Jo-ke
I have found myself really wanting to like Jo, or see a redeeming feature in her at least, but her bullying and insulting of Dirk, a man whom I find it facinating to listen to, unlike her, is just too much. What HAS she got against him? He's grumpy. So's she. He smokes. So does she. The main difference is; he's kind and funny and she's hard-faced and cruel. Her 'fuck off' to Shilpa with the snow was like stamping on a kitten or telling a five year old Christmas is cancelled. What a card. Seriously, in what way does she think that is endearing? You wanna go home Jo? You might not want to come Friday. Feeling a bit uneasy? I know why!
Dirk explaining 'ingenuity' to Danielle was funny. Yes I am ashamed that he sees British girls as illiterate, common and talentless. It's a real shame. But it's Big Brother, not University Challenge. It's not so much a cross-section of society as the dregs from the gutter. Hey ho.
Cleo continues to be cruel and Danielle just spoilt, which is not cute or funny in any way.
Jack gormlessly beating up the ice sculpture just about summed things up. Something pretty: let's shit on it. Dirk looking sadly at the crumbling remains is probably how a lot of people are gonna feel by the weekend.
Dirk explaining 'ingenuity' to Danielle was funny. Yes I am ashamed that he sees British girls as illiterate, common and talentless. It's a real shame. But it's Big Brother, not University Challenge. It's not so much a cross-section of society as the dregs from the gutter. Hey ho.
Cleo continues to be cruel and Danielle just spoilt, which is not cute or funny in any way.
Jack gormlessly beating up the ice sculpture just about summed things up. Something pretty: let's shit on it. Dirk looking sadly at the crumbling remains is probably how a lot of people are gonna feel by the weekend.
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Ian's £10 donation to Charity
Why is the last mile the hardest mile? People are making bad choices at the last minute. Shilpa nominated Dirk instead of her real enemies. Ian inexplicably got votes BEFORE his £10 to charity stunt. There's altruistic and just plain whack.
On the other end of the cunt-scale we have Jo who enjoys taunting Dirk. Not a good thing to admit at this stage of proceedings. I can't even remember who's up for eviction; a variety of people whom Big Brother have decreed suitable, some goodies, some baddies. Jack 'what does unappealing mean?' (answer, your girlfriend) and Danielle 'I washed up once two weeks ago.' have both got golden tickets to the final. How can this be just? It aint.
We saw another side to Jermaine tonight, a side determined to get his showgirl shoes. The intensity in his eyes was real. And why not? Did Dirk deliberately fuck it up for Jo? I'd say so.
CAN Dirk win despite his depression now Shilpa's teflon is flaking at the edges? Will Jermaine take the cup home to Jermajesty? Or will Ian, whom despite impressive fence-sitting skills still managed to get up people's noses, sneak away with it?
Stay tuned to find aht!
On the other end of the cunt-scale we have Jo who enjoys taunting Dirk. Not a good thing to admit at this stage of proceedings. I can't even remember who's up for eviction; a variety of people whom Big Brother have decreed suitable, some goodies, some baddies. Jack 'what does unappealing mean?' (answer, your girlfriend) and Danielle 'I washed up once two weeks ago.' have both got golden tickets to the final. How can this be just? It aint.
We saw another side to Jermaine tonight, a side determined to get his showgirl shoes. The intensity in his eyes was real. And why not? Did Dirk deliberately fuck it up for Jo? I'd say so.
CAN Dirk win despite his depression now Shilpa's teflon is flaking at the edges? Will Jermaine take the cup home to Jermajesty? Or will Ian, whom despite impressive fence-sitting skills still managed to get up people's noses, sneak away with it?
Stay tuned to find aht!
Bright Eyes- The Four Winds EP
Not out until March, this has already leaked onto some bitchy little website my boyfriend goes on. Normally I'm not one to download things before they come out (I'm a bit anal like that) but March?! I'm not waiting that long.
So I downloaded it. And yes, I shall purchase, because I purchase every scrap Conor (or Mozza) throws out there. Other people have to prove their mettle. These don't.
1. Four Winds.
I had already heard Four Winds, I have a live version from the Bonnaroo festival. I have also heard a song off the new album 'Soul Singer in a Session band' which is very much of this ilk. The country-folk ilk. Which is OK.
Listen: I'm Wide Awake It's Morning has three of my very favourite songs on it; We Are Nowhere, Old Soul Song and Road to Joy. They are moving and gorgeous. But Digital Ash has SEVEN of my favourite songs on it. Digital Ash is an amazing album: not the electronic beepy, unlistenable techno direction people would lie to you about. The strings on 'I Believe in Symmetry' are unbelievable. This album had more soul than any Bright Eyes album. Truly, the lyrics mean everything to me, and the tunes are just beautiful. It doesn't need a harmonica. True it didn't need the baby crying sound effects, but you know what he's like. He likes to subvert a little.
Anyhoo, I digress. Four Winds is 'Wide Awake' territory. Un-subverting. Conor seems to have embraced his country side, which is a shame as he'll be OLD for a long time! He can sit on a bale of hay when he's fifty! Conor, you're the same age as me. I want more songs about childhood memories, drugs, broken hearts, parties, cars, dead relatives. I don't like trumpets. I do like folky stuff. I like some folky stuff. But I prefer beats. I prefer ROCK if anything. Nothing beats a Conor out-of-tune scream. See: A Line Allows Progress... See: No Lies, Just Love. Do MANIC DEPRESSION. Do raw anger. Don't do sitting on your rocking chair in your porch. Or not as much, anyway. Please...?
Actually, I quite like Four Winds. It's quite catchy. But it doesn't MEAN much. I sat salivating downloading this EP because Conor MEANS everything. He is bigger than an entire genre of music. He means as much as Morrissey to me and my boyfriend. He held together a large part of our relationship. We love him. Whatever he does, we'll love him.
2. Reinvent the Wheel
Perhaps I'll actually review this track rather than just rambling uncontrollably about his back catalogue and my relationship. This is my favourite song off the EP and even this has a fucking harmonica in it. Don't hate on me, I like Rilo Kiley! I like folky stuff. But Christ. I get the idea.
However, this song is also very poppy, almost a bit 80s in feel in parts. The lyrics seem to have some meaning. I can see this being a big grower. Thank God! A good Bright Eyes song is like a best friend, you know you can turn to it again and again. It means something. It's continuously relevant. That's what I hope about this song. Although it's a bit short!
3. Smoke Without Fire
This sounds like Conor doing an impression of some old cowboy. Conor is not an old cowboy. He's a precocious, slightly jug-eared indie boy. Therefore I can't believe in it. I also hate all of his guest singers. All of them! I won't be swayed. Next!
4. Stray Dog Freedom
'Let's have a nice clean cut. Like a bag we buy and divvy up'. Perhaps an idea not to nick lyrics from songs that are better than this one for the title. Because I just start thinking about how good that song is, and I can't think about anything else. The guitar in this song is just AWFUL. I call it a 'wank guitar'. My boyfriend called it a '70s guitar'. I could tell he was none too impressed either. God that guitar is really bad. This song is really long as well. Why go backwards? Go forwards, Conor! No really. GO.
5. Cartoon Blues
Aha... I think we may have another grower on our hands. This is fast-paced, reminding me a little of 'The Calendar Hung itself...' I wasn't sure at first but I've listened to it three times now and it's getting warmer... do i like the weird robot/child/cartoon voice backing vocals? Yeah why not. At least it's not an effing harmonica.
6. Tourist Trap
This is one of those dreary Bright Eyes songs that my boyfriend likes, the ones that sound more like Death Cab For Cutie. What is the most overrated Bright Eyes song of all time? First day of My Life, of course. It's too easy. Just work for it a little more. He's going on about dogs again. What is it with the dogs? Who cares! he's chewing a bit of straw again. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
So how dare I complain? Six tracks, two months early, great quality. I will complain because it is my human right! And I am a bitch!
I love it really. I will play all these tracks until my last.fm explodes.
I can't hide it. I love Bright Eyes. I'd listen to him read a shopping list if he did it in a cute little whiny voice. I can't wait for the album. I can't wait to see them live again. This is a good year. Just give me one little track with beats, Conor! Go hang out with The Faint or something. Please?
So I downloaded it. And yes, I shall purchase, because I purchase every scrap Conor (or Mozza) throws out there. Other people have to prove their mettle. These don't.
1. Four Winds.
I had already heard Four Winds, I have a live version from the Bonnaroo festival. I have also heard a song off the new album 'Soul Singer in a Session band' which is very much of this ilk. The country-folk ilk. Which is OK.
Listen: I'm Wide Awake It's Morning has three of my very favourite songs on it; We Are Nowhere, Old Soul Song and Road to Joy. They are moving and gorgeous. But Digital Ash has SEVEN of my favourite songs on it. Digital Ash is an amazing album: not the electronic beepy, unlistenable techno direction people would lie to you about. The strings on 'I Believe in Symmetry' are unbelievable. This album had more soul than any Bright Eyes album. Truly, the lyrics mean everything to me, and the tunes are just beautiful. It doesn't need a harmonica. True it didn't need the baby crying sound effects, but you know what he's like. He likes to subvert a little.
Anyhoo, I digress. Four Winds is 'Wide Awake' territory. Un-subverting. Conor seems to have embraced his country side, which is a shame as he'll be OLD for a long time! He can sit on a bale of hay when he's fifty! Conor, you're the same age as me. I want more songs about childhood memories, drugs, broken hearts, parties, cars, dead relatives. I don't like trumpets. I do like folky stuff. I like some folky stuff. But I prefer beats. I prefer ROCK if anything. Nothing beats a Conor out-of-tune scream. See: A Line Allows Progress... See: No Lies, Just Love. Do MANIC DEPRESSION. Do raw anger. Don't do sitting on your rocking chair in your porch. Or not as much, anyway. Please...?
Actually, I quite like Four Winds. It's quite catchy. But it doesn't MEAN much. I sat salivating downloading this EP because Conor MEANS everything. He is bigger than an entire genre of music. He means as much as Morrissey to me and my boyfriend. He held together a large part of our relationship. We love him. Whatever he does, we'll love him.
2. Reinvent the Wheel
Perhaps I'll actually review this track rather than just rambling uncontrollably about his back catalogue and my relationship. This is my favourite song off the EP and even this has a fucking harmonica in it. Don't hate on me, I like Rilo Kiley! I like folky stuff. But Christ. I get the idea.
However, this song is also very poppy, almost a bit 80s in feel in parts. The lyrics seem to have some meaning. I can see this being a big grower. Thank God! A good Bright Eyes song is like a best friend, you know you can turn to it again and again. It means something. It's continuously relevant. That's what I hope about this song. Although it's a bit short!
3. Smoke Without Fire
This sounds like Conor doing an impression of some old cowboy. Conor is not an old cowboy. He's a precocious, slightly jug-eared indie boy. Therefore I can't believe in it. I also hate all of his guest singers. All of them! I won't be swayed. Next!
4. Stray Dog Freedom
'Let's have a nice clean cut. Like a bag we buy and divvy up'. Perhaps an idea not to nick lyrics from songs that are better than this one for the title. Because I just start thinking about how good that song is, and I can't think about anything else. The guitar in this song is just AWFUL. I call it a 'wank guitar'. My boyfriend called it a '70s guitar'. I could tell he was none too impressed either. God that guitar is really bad. This song is really long as well. Why go backwards? Go forwards, Conor! No really. GO.
5. Cartoon Blues
Aha... I think we may have another grower on our hands. This is fast-paced, reminding me a little of 'The Calendar Hung itself...' I wasn't sure at first but I've listened to it three times now and it's getting warmer... do i like the weird robot/child/cartoon voice backing vocals? Yeah why not. At least it's not an effing harmonica.
6. Tourist Trap
This is one of those dreary Bright Eyes songs that my boyfriend likes, the ones that sound more like Death Cab For Cutie. What is the most overrated Bright Eyes song of all time? First day of My Life, of course. It's too easy. Just work for it a little more. He's going on about dogs again. What is it with the dogs? Who cares! he's chewing a bit of straw again. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
So how dare I complain? Six tracks, two months early, great quality. I will complain because it is my human right! And I am a bitch!
I love it really. I will play all these tracks until my last.fm explodes.
I can't hide it. I love Bright Eyes. I'd listen to him read a shopping list if he did it in a cute little whiny voice. I can't wait for the album. I can't wait to see them live again. This is a good year. Just give me one little track with beats, Conor! Go hang out with The Faint or something. Please?
Tuesday, 23 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: I Don't Feel Like Dancing
OK, there is officially nothing to write about Big Brother now. The tasks are so anodyne and designed to keep the peace, they almost have the opposite effect.
Everyone is tied to their own role. Dirk stays grumpy. Jo stays bitter, engulfed in toxic smoke. Danielle remains a spoilt little madam. Jack makes planks look like feasible romantic options. Cleo scrunches up her hair. Ian teaches the others a few dance steps and worries he's being a bit dominating. Shilpa is the only person waivering: walking a fine line between respectable public image and the temptation of being tainted by a British 18-30 holiday.
There's no romance, no violence, almost no humour. The stars are being dulled by the grot. Dirk and Jermaine are having such a bad time, it's painful to watch. It's like they took a wrong turn at the old folks home and fell into a TV studio in Elstree. Where is the A Team dazzle? The Jackson weirdness? Having said that, they're my favourites. Which says something else, something weird and tragic.
Will they kick out some people tomorrow? Does anyone care?
Everyone is tied to their own role. Dirk stays grumpy. Jo stays bitter, engulfed in toxic smoke. Danielle remains a spoilt little madam. Jack makes planks look like feasible romantic options. Cleo scrunches up her hair. Ian teaches the others a few dance steps and worries he's being a bit dominating. Shilpa is the only person waivering: walking a fine line between respectable public image and the temptation of being tainted by a British 18-30 holiday.
There's no romance, no violence, almost no humour. The stars are being dulled by the grot. Dirk and Jermaine are having such a bad time, it's painful to watch. It's like they took a wrong turn at the old folks home and fell into a TV studio in Elstree. Where is the A Team dazzle? The Jackson weirdness? Having said that, they're my favourites. Which says something else, something weird and tragic.
Will they kick out some people tomorrow? Does anyone care?
Wii: The Latest
So we've had the Wii for a couple of months now... and I still haven't tired of making minature representations of friends and family alike (as well as Hitler, Conor Oberst, Morrissey etc). In fact I prefer dealing with my friends on this level; choosing their favourite colour, mulling over the exact shade of their hair, wondering how tall they are in proportion to Jesus. The only Mii I can't get right is myself: I just can't make it look like me. I tried making a less cartoony, uglier one, and my boyfriend said it was just wrong wrong wrong. So I dunno. Maybe I jus cannot be represented through ovals, funny lips and jaggedy haircuts. Maybe I'm just SPECIAL!
Sport is cool, of course, truly groundbreaking: the tennis is amazing but I'm crap at it. Bowling is too easy. Golf is the best.
On the games front, they're a bit slow on releasing them, aint they? I want a good proper golf game! I hate gold in real life, but gold on the computer is mellow. I want Wii aerobics! That sort of thing. I want Mario Kart but with decent steering. Is this possible?
Raymans Raving Rabbits was kind of a let down, except the game where you draw round the food, or make the rabbits play a funny tune you have to memorise. I like those two. but is this worth £39??? Not of my money!
The Wii controls are of course, supremely cool. We have Wario Ware: Smooth Moves now, and all the different ways of controlling it are super cool, but it does rather take away the POINT of Wario Ware, which was not knowing what the FUCK was going on and just winging it for two seconds. I like the dancing boss level. I like the darts.
We have Monkey Ball and the only thing we play on it is the darts! I fucking HATE the concept of Monkey Ball, wiggling round these stupid, infuriating levels. Just fuck off. The darts though? Genius.
Perhaps most tellingly (and embarrassingly) my favourite Wii game is one of the games on the Play disc that you get with the spare remote. I don't even know what it's called, but basically you have to look for lookalike Miis on levels that get harder and harder. My brain is good at this, and I can kick my boyfriends arse. Also, I think it's a good work out for your mental faculties. I like spotting three Simon Cowells on the escalator, or four Eminems in the swimming pool. It appeals to me.
But yeah. Bring out some new games, Mario. I know you run the show. The technology is amazing, so bring it on. We're waiting!
Sport is cool, of course, truly groundbreaking: the tennis is amazing but I'm crap at it. Bowling is too easy. Golf is the best.
On the games front, they're a bit slow on releasing them, aint they? I want a good proper golf game! I hate gold in real life, but gold on the computer is mellow. I want Wii aerobics! That sort of thing. I want Mario Kart but with decent steering. Is this possible?
Raymans Raving Rabbits was kind of a let down, except the game where you draw round the food, or make the rabbits play a funny tune you have to memorise. I like those two. but is this worth £39??? Not of my money!
The Wii controls are of course, supremely cool. We have Wario Ware: Smooth Moves now, and all the different ways of controlling it are super cool, but it does rather take away the POINT of Wario Ware, which was not knowing what the FUCK was going on and just winging it for two seconds. I like the dancing boss level. I like the darts.
We have Monkey Ball and the only thing we play on it is the darts! I fucking HATE the concept of Monkey Ball, wiggling round these stupid, infuriating levels. Just fuck off. The darts though? Genius.
Perhaps most tellingly (and embarrassingly) my favourite Wii game is one of the games on the Play disc that you get with the spare remote. I don't even know what it's called, but basically you have to look for lookalike Miis on levels that get harder and harder. My brain is good at this, and I can kick my boyfriends arse. Also, I think it's a good work out for your mental faculties. I like spotting three Simon Cowells on the escalator, or four Eminems in the swimming pool. It appeals to me.
But yeah. Bring out some new games, Mario. I know you run the show. The technology is amazing, so bring it on. We're waiting!
Daytime TV: Unemployment equals Depression
I have been off work sick for almost a week with a cold that I eventually realised was tonsillitus. I have to go back to work tomorrow, despite the fact I still feel like death. And still I'm almost glad to go! Daytime TV is DEPRESSING. It's not just a little bit depressing, its harrowing.
If I was unemployed, I'd probably have topped myself by now. Either that or got heavily into heroin.
Celebrity Big Brother live is a gentle way to start the day. This works quite well, as a quiet wallpaper for the mind (now Gobby's gone), interspersed with too-loud adverts on E4. This is OK for an hour or two, whilst you try and have a little sleep and not look at the mess of dirty tissues and medicine packets that is building up around your ears. But then they did nominations, which is pretty boring when you can't actually see them. I wish they'd show the diary room on the live feed, that would be sweet.
Today I also watched The Wright Stuff. I once was in the audience for The Wright Stuff- not a choice exactly, but because I work for a charity and it was to promote our cause. We all sat in the audience wearing our promotional T-shirts, praying the camera wouldn't land on us. The set for the Wright Stuff is like something from the 70s version of Willy Wonka: everything is radioactive orange, including Matthew Wright's face. He is the colour of an Oompa-Loompa. His mannerisms are all over-the-top, yet he comes across as slightly more normal when you just watch him from the safety your sick bed.
Today he had Jade on, who began by doing that trembly-lip I'm-so-sorry thing she's perfected over the past few days and finished, backed up by Wright and a belligerent George Galloway, virtually threatening to beat up the callers round the back of the bikesheds. Mysterious television indeed. I normally like Matthew Wright in a hand-wringing gobliny sort of a way but now, hmm. Not so sure. Galloway's argument was Jade can't be racist, cos her grand-dad is black. That's me convinced!
After this and another antibiotic, I switched over to Loose Women. This isn't so much feminist viewing, as bimbo-propoganda. A bunch of women your mum would find wet discussing near death experiences, friendship and... um... oh I dunno I stopped watching about ten minutes in. I quite like the gobby hamster-faced one who always goes on about the fact she used to be married to Chris Evans and she hates children (and most other women). But the one who used to be married to Shane Ritchie is just dartboard material. And what happened to the Scottish one? She was a sour old thing indeed.
All in all, they make Judy (of Richard and Judy fame) look like... well I would say Germaine Greer, but she was quite a wet blanket as well in the end, so I'll say Janet Street-Porter, who has been racially abusing her neighbours (allegedly!) in a topical fashion this week.
From Loose Women, I flicked between Trisha on Five Life and Jezza on... I dunno, ITV2?
Jezza had a wife-beating guest on. The battered wife said 'I really know how to push his buttons.' Try not pushing the 'hit me hard' one then. I know how to push a button too: away from your soul-suckage TV.
Really, the only thing worth watching in the daytime is Deal or No Deal, which I Sky Plus anyway and save for the evening. A happy little sparkling bit of hope amongst all the doom and gloom, a Noel-shaped diamond in the rough.
Back to work then. Cough cough.
If I was unemployed, I'd probably have topped myself by now. Either that or got heavily into heroin.
Celebrity Big Brother live is a gentle way to start the day. This works quite well, as a quiet wallpaper for the mind (now Gobby's gone), interspersed with too-loud adverts on E4. This is OK for an hour or two, whilst you try and have a little sleep and not look at the mess of dirty tissues and medicine packets that is building up around your ears. But then they did nominations, which is pretty boring when you can't actually see them. I wish they'd show the diary room on the live feed, that would be sweet.
Today I also watched The Wright Stuff. I once was in the audience for The Wright Stuff- not a choice exactly, but because I work for a charity and it was to promote our cause. We all sat in the audience wearing our promotional T-shirts, praying the camera wouldn't land on us. The set for the Wright Stuff is like something from the 70s version of Willy Wonka: everything is radioactive orange, including Matthew Wright's face. He is the colour of an Oompa-Loompa. His mannerisms are all over-the-top, yet he comes across as slightly more normal when you just watch him from the safety your sick bed.
Today he had Jade on, who began by doing that trembly-lip I'm-so-sorry thing she's perfected over the past few days and finished, backed up by Wright and a belligerent George Galloway, virtually threatening to beat up the callers round the back of the bikesheds. Mysterious television indeed. I normally like Matthew Wright in a hand-wringing gobliny sort of a way but now, hmm. Not so sure. Galloway's argument was Jade can't be racist, cos her grand-dad is black. That's me convinced!
After this and another antibiotic, I switched over to Loose Women. This isn't so much feminist viewing, as bimbo-propoganda. A bunch of women your mum would find wet discussing near death experiences, friendship and... um... oh I dunno I stopped watching about ten minutes in. I quite like the gobby hamster-faced one who always goes on about the fact she used to be married to Chris Evans and she hates children (and most other women). But the one who used to be married to Shane Ritchie is just dartboard material. And what happened to the Scottish one? She was a sour old thing indeed.
All in all, they make Judy (of Richard and Judy fame) look like... well I would say Germaine Greer, but she was quite a wet blanket as well in the end, so I'll say Janet Street-Porter, who has been racially abusing her neighbours (allegedly!) in a topical fashion this week.
From Loose Women, I flicked between Trisha on Five Life and Jezza on... I dunno, ITV2?
Jezza had a wife-beating guest on. The battered wife said 'I really know how to push his buttons.' Try not pushing the 'hit me hard' one then. I know how to push a button too: away from your soul-suckage TV.
Really, the only thing worth watching in the daytime is Deal or No Deal, which I Sky Plus anyway and save for the evening. A happy little sparkling bit of hope amongst all the doom and gloom, a Noel-shaped diamond in the rough.
Back to work then. Cough cough.
Monday, 22 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Laugh or no Laugh?
The last person who referred to themselves in the third person in the Big Brother house was a strange egomaniac who couldn't deal with the harsh realities of life such as pant-washing (Leo). Now we have Cleo, who cannot deal with... um, anything. She is a comedienne who's not funny. Where does she go from here? Away, I hope.
I'll tell you one thing though, when Jack provides a bigger belly laugh than your 'comedy characters': god help you! Although how can anyone compete with Jack's tiny comical penis? I like skinny male bodies when they are clothed but that was really something else. Would he have got away with that if Jade had still been in the house? I suspect not.
The decline of Dirk is depressing as he's the funniest and most intelligent person in the house. Can he still win it? I'd like to think so, but he just seems so sad. Hopefully Shilpa and Jermaine will keep looking after him and keeping him sane.
When can we boot some more people out? I'd like to see the back of Jo and Danielle quick smart. If they kept me awake when I was trying to sleep I'd poison the fuckers.
But that's just me.
I'll tell you one thing though, when Jack provides a bigger belly laugh than your 'comedy characters': god help you! Although how can anyone compete with Jack's tiny comical penis? I like skinny male bodies when they are clothed but that was really something else. Would he have got away with that if Jade had still been in the house? I suspect not.
The decline of Dirk is depressing as he's the funniest and most intelligent person in the house. Can he still win it? I'd like to think so, but he just seems so sad. Hopefully Shilpa and Jermaine will keep looking after him and keeping him sane.
When can we boot some more people out? I'd like to see the back of Jo and Danielle quick smart. If they kept me awake when I was trying to sleep I'd poison the fuckers.
But that's just me.
Sunday, 21 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: (Not) A Good Soul
So finally I get to write about something other than you know what. And what do we get instead? More of you know what! OK so Jade has gone blubbering off to the News of the World to contradict herself about whether she's a racist or not. But still tensions remain.
'If you think peace is a common goal, it goes to show how little you know...' a wise Mancunian once sang, and he was right.
One victim/perpetrator down and another one of each grows back in its place. It's depressing how predictable it all is.
It took me around half an hour to even work out what was going on in tonights Big Brother. Why was Cleo even annoyed Dirk made a joke about porn? Jo and Danielle are grown women, they can tell him to stop if they think he's over-stepped the line.
Instead I rather suspect it was his affectionate groping of Shilpa that really got Cleo's goat and the porn thing was an excuse as lame as her non-comedy character. How dare she go in the diary room and say he has no sense of humour. She has never made me laugh ONCE. Frightened, yes. Angry, certainly. She went from frozen-faced fence-sitter to sexually-aggressive harridan and did nothing useful in between. The thing about him being close to cracking, like that was a good thing, was also deeply mysterious. Is the Big Brother house in topsy-turvy land? Is cruelty considered genius there? Or are they all just a fucked-up, out-of-touch wankers who will be weeping and repenting on the front of Closer/ Tabloids/ BBLB before we know it?
'I'm sure he thinks we all fancy him,' Cleo said, revealing what we already know... that she DOES fancy him, and is so desperate for his attention that she's decided to victimise him instead.
'She's a good soul,' said Shilpa, about as off the money with her character assessments as her chicken cooking. 'No she's not.' Dirk said, with more honesty than five series of Big Brother contestants put together. Jo and Danielle continued to prove themselves cruel as fuck, so it wasn't Jade stirring them up after all. They were nasty little bastards anyway. Good, I don't want people to forget.
Dirk: cheer up. We love ya still. It will all be over... soon.
'If you think peace is a common goal, it goes to show how little you know...' a wise Mancunian once sang, and he was right.
One victim/perpetrator down and another one of each grows back in its place. It's depressing how predictable it all is.
It took me around half an hour to even work out what was going on in tonights Big Brother. Why was Cleo even annoyed Dirk made a joke about porn? Jo and Danielle are grown women, they can tell him to stop if they think he's over-stepped the line.
Instead I rather suspect it was his affectionate groping of Shilpa that really got Cleo's goat and the porn thing was an excuse as lame as her non-comedy character. How dare she go in the diary room and say he has no sense of humour. She has never made me laugh ONCE. Frightened, yes. Angry, certainly. She went from frozen-faced fence-sitter to sexually-aggressive harridan and did nothing useful in between. The thing about him being close to cracking, like that was a good thing, was also deeply mysterious. Is the Big Brother house in topsy-turvy land? Is cruelty considered genius there? Or are they all just a fucked-up, out-of-touch wankers who will be weeping and repenting on the front of Closer/ Tabloids/ BBLB before we know it?
'I'm sure he thinks we all fancy him,' Cleo said, revealing what we already know... that she DOES fancy him, and is so desperate for his attention that she's decided to victimise him instead.
'She's a good soul,' said Shilpa, about as off the money with her character assessments as her chicken cooking. 'No she's not.' Dirk said, with more honesty than five series of Big Brother contestants put together. Jo and Danielle continued to prove themselves cruel as fuck, so it wasn't Jade stirring them up after all. They were nasty little bastards anyway. Good, I don't want people to forget.
Dirk: cheer up. We love ya still. It will all be over... soon.
Saturday, 20 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Lowlights
Saturday night showings of Big Brother are always something of an anti-climax. With the eviction over, they show a lot of stuff you've already seen, and a lot of other stuff that already feels miles out of date. The Saturday night live task used to liven things up a little, but I think I may be showing my age here.
So was Jack the Plank upset that Gobby had gone? It was hard to tell from his facial expression, as it has remained unchanged since day one. Danielle and Jo were upset, but only for their own skins, as it is becoming ever more obvious who's side the public are on. Did I feel sorry for Jade? Of course not. She'll rise from the ashes, because however stupid and coarse she is, there's aways someone stupider and coarser who will want to be her.
Shilpa continues to grow in strength like an impossibly good-looking cartoon character, air-brushed to perfection. Her shit is probably made of gold. What hope do the others have up against her? Cleo's death mask is definitely cracking.
Where do we go from here? Household harmony? Will we be missing Jade by Tuesday? Surely not.
So was Jack the Plank upset that Gobby had gone? It was hard to tell from his facial expression, as it has remained unchanged since day one. Danielle and Jo were upset, but only for their own skins, as it is becoming ever more obvious who's side the public are on. Did I feel sorry for Jade? Of course not. She'll rise from the ashes, because however stupid and coarse she is, there's aways someone stupider and coarser who will want to be her.
Shilpa continues to grow in strength like an impossibly good-looking cartoon character, air-brushed to perfection. Her shit is probably made of gold. What hope do the others have up against her? Cleo's death mask is definitely cracking.
Where do we go from here? Household harmony? Will we be missing Jade by Tuesday? Surely not.
Friday, 19 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
Well, what do you know? Davina handled that interview... wait for it... well! Wonders will never cease! She actually gave Jade a hard time! Hurrah!She mentioned the bullying as well as the racism and said 'you only apologised after Big Brother told you to'. Haha!
All the making up stuff on the highlights was clearly engineered and not worth mentioning. We're not THAT stupid, Big Bro.
Personally I feel cheated there was no baying mob, but I guess it could have got out of control. Jade just talked rubbish to try and wiggle out of it, but she did look quite devastated. I'm sure she was only worried for her own skin though. I sincerely hope her career goes down the pan but I'm sure she'll make a few more squid out of it yet. I think she's ignorant rather than truly racist, and lets not forget her hench-women. I hope they get an equal grilling when they leave. I will never forgive them for the laughter when Jade was ripping a strip of Shilpa. Supreme cowardice.
So will Jack the Plank come out of his shell now she's gone? Don't count on it. Let's hope he tries to cop off with Danielle or something. Anything!
Can we get back to normal Big Brother stuff now?
PS. We are watching BBBM and my boyfriend just said 'I think Carole Malone is quite attractive. She has nice eyes.'
:-0
All the making up stuff on the highlights was clearly engineered and not worth mentioning. We're not THAT stupid, Big Bro.
Personally I feel cheated there was no baying mob, but I guess it could have got out of control. Jade just talked rubbish to try and wiggle out of it, but she did look quite devastated. I'm sure she was only worried for her own skin though. I sincerely hope her career goes down the pan but I'm sure she'll make a few more squid out of it yet. I think she's ignorant rather than truly racist, and lets not forget her hench-women. I hope they get an equal grilling when they leave. I will never forgive them for the laughter when Jade was ripping a strip of Shilpa. Supreme cowardice.
So will Jack the Plank come out of his shell now she's gone? Don't count on it. Let's hope he tries to cop off with Danielle or something. Anything!
Can we get back to normal Big Brother stuff now?
PS. We are watching BBBM and my boyfriend just said 'I think Carole Malone is quite attractive. She has nice eyes.'
:-0
Thursday, 18 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Good Vs Evil
This has become less a blog about a TV show and more a political commentary. Which I really can't be arsed with as I have a head cold. But anyway. I watched the statement by the C4 grubby guy today saying 'let the public decide between Jade and Shilpa.' So they're taking cash from us rather than doing what they should have done a week ago? Carphone Warehouse have stopped sponsoring Big Brother. The Perfume Shop has stopped selling Jade's perfume.
The majority of this is down to the producers. If they'd showed clips of the racism to Shilpa, it would have stopped. If they'd chucked the perpertrators out three days ago, it would have stopped. If Cleo, Dirk, Jermaine or H/Ian had stood up and just said 'stop': it would have stopped.
Instead Big Brother has hinted on the sly that trouble may be afoot for the three bitches so they are furiously back-tracking (I wrote back-packing first- not sure why). This cheats us as viewers also: I want to see Jade's face when she comes out to a public lynching. I want to see her go squealing down the street being chased by yokels with pitch-forks and flaming torches.
Jade's 'poppadom' comment is CLEARLY RACIST. If you don't believe it is, go to work tomorrow, find the most senior Asian in the business, and call him/her Mr/Ms Poppadom. It's called gross misconduct. It's vile. It shouldn't be allowed. C4 are saying it's OK.
Earlier this evening I saw a blatantly staged bit of live feed where Jade apologised to Shilpa (after Big Brother told her to). Wow, that's me fooled! Fish my Jade perfume out the bin! Sign me up for a subscription of OK! All is forgiven! For fucks sake! We're not RETARDS!
Or are we? I still can't believe how many Jade-apologists there are out there. It is truly terrifying.
One things for sure, if Jade survives the vote tomorrow, I will stop watching. A vote for Jade is a vote for the BNP. Don't mug yourself, Britain.
The majority of this is down to the producers. If they'd showed clips of the racism to Shilpa, it would have stopped. If they'd chucked the perpertrators out three days ago, it would have stopped. If Cleo, Dirk, Jermaine or H/Ian had stood up and just said 'stop': it would have stopped.
Instead Big Brother has hinted on the sly that trouble may be afoot for the three bitches so they are furiously back-tracking (I wrote back-packing first- not sure why). This cheats us as viewers also: I want to see Jade's face when she comes out to a public lynching. I want to see her go squealing down the street being chased by yokels with pitch-forks and flaming torches.
Jade's 'poppadom' comment is CLEARLY RACIST. If you don't believe it is, go to work tomorrow, find the most senior Asian in the business, and call him/her Mr/Ms Poppadom. It's called gross misconduct. It's vile. It shouldn't be allowed. C4 are saying it's OK.
Earlier this evening I saw a blatantly staged bit of live feed where Jade apologised to Shilpa (after Big Brother told her to). Wow, that's me fooled! Fish my Jade perfume out the bin! Sign me up for a subscription of OK! All is forgiven! For fucks sake! We're not RETARDS!
Or are we? I still can't believe how many Jade-apologists there are out there. It is truly terrifying.
One things for sure, if Jade survives the vote tomorrow, I will stop watching. A vote for Jade is a vote for the BNP. Don't mug yourself, Britain.
Wednesday, 17 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Your Mother Would Be Proud
Well, well. When Big Brother makes people riot in the streets thousands of miles away, you know something big is going down. Someone posted on digital spy today 'Jade starts World War Three'. It could happen yet.
WHY won't Big Brother kick Jade out? What DOES she have to do? Stick Shilpa's head in the oven? Knock out Jermaine Jackson? Say PAKI? Just fucking say it, you disgusting bitch so we can be rid of you.
JUST KICK HER THE FUCK OUT! Big Brother could have stamped on this days ago. Fair enough give her enough rope to hang herself, but she's got enough rope to rock climb to India (or some other ethnic region of her choice).
Tonights episode literally made me shake with anger. My boyfriend who is less sensitive about these things, merely labelled it 'depressing'. Laughs are most certainly not-aplenty in the house.
On top of this misery/heart-attack fest I watched about thirty minutes of this:
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4936469193113672645 tonight, none of which was on the highlights. Truly disturbing viewing. Jade is extremely disturbed. No amount of OK covers can gloss over this extent of damage. She is rotten to the core.
I genuinely cannot think of words harsh enough to describe my hatred for this woman. She is the most horrible, ugly, cretinous, thick, bitter, unpleasant, RACIST, bullying CUNT on the face of this earth. If I saw her in the street, I'd spit on her.
Danielle and Jo are no better. Laughing at a scene which made me feel physically sick will hopefully be their epitaph. What a sick pair. Jack is scum. Cleo is the most pathetic, unsupportive sack-of-shit on earth. Her frozen face offering not one word of encouragement in the face of good vs evil. Shame on her.
Calling in Danielle about her 'Shilpa should go home' comment was too little too late. And the patronising 'have you learnt your lesson?' PLEASE!
Is Big Brother scared of Jade? Everyone else is. Jermaine is. Dirk is. Probably the Tweedy Plank is. This woman is a MOTHER. God HELP US! Come, come nuclear BOMB. Turn your radiators up. Let's melt the fucking ice caps. We're DOOMED!
More than anything, I felt ashamed tonight. Ashamed that Shilpa thinks Jade is ANY reflection on Britain. Britain has a thriving music scene, some great telly, and a few good writers. We have a lot to be proud of. British people are funny, cynical, intelligent. London is the most multi-cultural, open-minded city I know of. I feel proud of that.
Why can't Channel 4 make a stand and kick the four of them out? It would appease so many people. But it's all about the money, isn't it? Never mind the reputation of an entire country, or the sanity of a 31 year old woman.
It's not a 'cultural' thing. It's plain wrong verses right. For fuck's sake. WAKE UP. I'm disgusted by the whole thing. Disgusted, and addicted.
WHY won't Big Brother kick Jade out? What DOES she have to do? Stick Shilpa's head in the oven? Knock out Jermaine Jackson? Say PAKI? Just fucking say it, you disgusting bitch so we can be rid of you.
JUST KICK HER THE FUCK OUT! Big Brother could have stamped on this days ago. Fair enough give her enough rope to hang herself, but she's got enough rope to rock climb to India (or some other ethnic region of her choice).
Tonights episode literally made me shake with anger. My boyfriend who is less sensitive about these things, merely labelled it 'depressing'. Laughs are most certainly not-aplenty in the house.
On top of this misery/heart-attack fest I watched about thirty minutes of this:
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4936469193113672645 tonight, none of which was on the highlights. Truly disturbing viewing. Jade is extremely disturbed. No amount of OK covers can gloss over this extent of damage. She is rotten to the core.
I genuinely cannot think of words harsh enough to describe my hatred for this woman. She is the most horrible, ugly, cretinous, thick, bitter, unpleasant, RACIST, bullying CUNT on the face of this earth. If I saw her in the street, I'd spit on her.
Danielle and Jo are no better. Laughing at a scene which made me feel physically sick will hopefully be their epitaph. What a sick pair. Jack is scum. Cleo is the most pathetic, unsupportive sack-of-shit on earth. Her frozen face offering not one word of encouragement in the face of good vs evil. Shame on her.
Calling in Danielle about her 'Shilpa should go home' comment was too little too late. And the patronising 'have you learnt your lesson?' PLEASE!
Is Big Brother scared of Jade? Everyone else is. Jermaine is. Dirk is. Probably the Tweedy Plank is. This woman is a MOTHER. God HELP US! Come, come nuclear BOMB. Turn your radiators up. Let's melt the fucking ice caps. We're DOOMED!
More than anything, I felt ashamed tonight. Ashamed that Shilpa thinks Jade is ANY reflection on Britain. Britain has a thriving music scene, some great telly, and a few good writers. We have a lot to be proud of. British people are funny, cynical, intelligent. London is the most multi-cultural, open-minded city I know of. I feel proud of that.
Why can't Channel 4 make a stand and kick the four of them out? It would appease so many people. But it's all about the money, isn't it? Never mind the reputation of an entire country, or the sanity of a 31 year old woman.
It's not a 'cultural' thing. It's plain wrong verses right. For fuck's sake. WAKE UP. I'm disgusted by the whole thing. Disgusted, and addicted.
Tuesday, 16 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Bones
I really pray that BB has got something BIG up his sleeve to punish the three witches. As Big Brother has finally admitted some responsibility for the borderline racism in the house, it needs to sort things out fast. Jermaine has put his finger on it: now if only he'd step up and make his feelings known to the chavalanche.
Tonight the bullying continued. They don't lift a finger then moan when their dinner isn't served on the hour. No idea why Shilpa chucked bones down the loo (she does border on the eccentric at times) but Jack's suggestion she picked them out with her teeth was plain nasty. Danielle's look of death was truly terrifying, bringing back memories of girls who were good at PE at school and now have three babies- haha. Mind you, this girl has to shag an old man for money, so I should take pity really. Her worrying about getting her tits out on the assault course was a bit like Russell Brand worrying that his hair is a little large whilst presenting Big Mouth. Your tits are your bread and butter, darling! Just make sure you keep your fucking mouth shut when you get out of the house, you spiteful little harridan.
Jo: 'everything she does annoys me'. Is that why you have have that Pat-Butcher-alike-ex-con-chewing-a-wasp look on your face from morning to night? She must smell like an ashtray as well.
All in all: they could drop a nuclear bomb on the house at the moment and the atmosphere would probably improve.
Tonight the bullying continued. They don't lift a finger then moan when their dinner isn't served on the hour. No idea why Shilpa chucked bones down the loo (she does border on the eccentric at times) but Jack's suggestion she picked them out with her teeth was plain nasty. Danielle's look of death was truly terrifying, bringing back memories of girls who were good at PE at school and now have three babies- haha. Mind you, this girl has to shag an old man for money, so I should take pity really. Her worrying about getting her tits out on the assault course was a bit like Russell Brand worrying that his hair is a little large whilst presenting Big Mouth. Your tits are your bread and butter, darling! Just make sure you keep your fucking mouth shut when you get out of the house, you spiteful little harridan.
Jo: 'everything she does annoys me'. Is that why you have have that Pat-Butcher-alike-ex-con-chewing-a-wasp look on your face from morning to night? She must smell like an ashtray as well.
All in all: they could drop a nuclear bomb on the house at the moment and the atmosphere would probably improve.
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Bullies and Morons
Big Brother made me furious tonight. Danielle and Jade are beyond moronic, as Jade's diary room eskimo rambling rubbish illustrated nicely. Unfortunately bimbo only works if you're cute. And even if you are cute, like Danielle, a nasty tongue in your mouth can make you look mighty ugly. But what of the fence-sitters? I felt slightly warmer towards Ian tonight as the divide is clearly affecting him, but also disappointed he still won't stick up for what he believes in. I guess he's just that personality type though, and I shouldn't be angry with him just because he's different to me. Cleo is a different kettle of fish: her inability to see the truth is verging on dangerous.
Danielle: I know I've done nothing wrong.
Jade: I'm telling you this to help you.
Jo: Maybe that's why all indian people are skinny (Jo will regret not distancing herself as Ian has).
You are nasty people. I'm ashamed to be a female of the same age. Shilpa is stupid to not know how to cook a chicken, but she has lackeys to do it for her. Why don't the chavs get off their arses and have a go?
What is the excuse for the girls' ignorance? It's just pack mentality. I liked Danielle the first two days. Jade changed everything.
Jack: what's an envrio? What you have fucking remained, mate, despite 19 years on the clock.
Dermot's Big Brother's Big Brain. Another hatchet job on Shilpa. How stupid do they think we are? The answer is, very. The answer is as stupid as Dermot and Davina.
Danielle: I know I've done nothing wrong.
Jade: I'm telling you this to help you.
Jo: Maybe that's why all indian people are skinny (Jo will regret not distancing herself as Ian has).
You are nasty people. I'm ashamed to be a female of the same age. Shilpa is stupid to not know how to cook a chicken, but she has lackeys to do it for her. Why don't the chavs get off their arses and have a go?
What is the excuse for the girls' ignorance? It's just pack mentality. I liked Danielle the first two days. Jade changed everything.
Jack: what's an envrio? What you have fucking remained, mate, despite 19 years on the clock.
Dermot's Big Brother's Big Brain. Another hatchet job on Shilpa. How stupid do they think we are? The answer is, very. The answer is as stupid as Dermot and Davina.
Sunday, 14 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: I Want You Back
So Big Brother decided to inject some fun into proceedings by making the monkeys dance. And it worked. Jack went from skinny-and-good-looking-mainly-mute-yet-possible-racist to anorexic-retard-in-a-bin-liner. His singing was sterling. What an impression he's made on the world, he swears, he wanks, he looks crap in make-up.
I was pleased to see everyone having a laff but as usual Big Brother writes the script. The amount of airtime they gave to the rehearsals and songs showed nothing else happened all day.
And as such I have nothing to write about! Doh!
Although I will say this as an aside: BBLB- the format is much improved, lots of guests and interviews is what we want. Dave Gorman calling Jackiey a borderline racist was right on the money. Dermot: may you go straight to hell for defending her.
I was pleased to see everyone having a laff but as usual Big Brother writes the script. The amount of airtime they gave to the rehearsals and songs showed nothing else happened all day.
And as such I have nothing to write about! Doh!
Although I will say this as an aside: BBLB- the format is much improved, lots of guests and interviews is what we want. Dave Gorman calling Jackiey a borderline racist was right on the money. Dermot: may you go straight to hell for defending her.
Saturday, 13 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Mob Mentality
And so. Tonight's show was so devoid of content they spent 10 minutes of it showing Leo outside arguing with various producers and bouncers. He felt fiddled. So do we.
And it only gets worse. The mob mentality is well and truly in force, and I am not afraid to use the word 'racism' or at the very least, severe predjudice and ignorance. Danielle and Jade's demonising of Shilpa continues. If Shilpa is a 'dog' Danielle and Jade must be dog shit, or maybe dog food at best. How fucking dare Danielle moan at someone for cooking for her? It's like slapping someone for giving you a kiss. And whilst Jo, Ian and Cleo seemed quite happy to laugh along and agree (by not disagreeing) with the 'dog' comment at the time, suprise suprise later on they try and dissosociate themselves with it, being the pathetic, wheedling fence-sitters they are. There is nothing worse than a fence-sitter: I'd rather be Jackiey than a fucking fence-sitter. Get off the fence and make yourselves heard. 'Oh that was bad when Danielle called Shilpa a dog...' Was it? What about when you called her a man cos she was (admittedly ridiculously) bleaching her entire face?
If as I suspect, Dirk and Shilpa are up for the next noms, the show will no longer be worth watching. Dirk, Shilpa and Jermaine are the only ones with any semblance of dignity or intelligence. Cleo, who I had high hopes for, had proved herself completely ineffectual.
The depression of Dirk is how most of the viewers feel, I suspect. Jack wanking off on Jade (as seem on BBBM) didn't even make the highlights.
As Leo so eloquently put it: go fuck yourself. Big Brother.
And it only gets worse. The mob mentality is well and truly in force, and I am not afraid to use the word 'racism' or at the very least, severe predjudice and ignorance. Danielle and Jade's demonising of Shilpa continues. If Shilpa is a 'dog' Danielle and Jade must be dog shit, or maybe dog food at best. How fucking dare Danielle moan at someone for cooking for her? It's like slapping someone for giving you a kiss. And whilst Jo, Ian and Cleo seemed quite happy to laugh along and agree (by not disagreeing) with the 'dog' comment at the time, suprise suprise later on they try and dissosociate themselves with it, being the pathetic, wheedling fence-sitters they are. There is nothing worse than a fence-sitter: I'd rather be Jackiey than a fucking fence-sitter. Get off the fence and make yourselves heard. 'Oh that was bad when Danielle called Shilpa a dog...' Was it? What about when you called her a man cos she was (admittedly ridiculously) bleaching her entire face?
If as I suspect, Dirk and Shilpa are up for the next noms, the show will no longer be worth watching. Dirk, Shilpa and Jermaine are the only ones with any semblance of dignity or intelligence. Cleo, who I had high hopes for, had proved herself completely ineffectual.
The depression of Dirk is how most of the viewers feel, I suspect. Jack wanking off on Jade (as seem on BBBM) didn't even make the highlights.
As Leo so eloquently put it: go fuck yourself. Big Brother.
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Exit Leo
Leo's escape was one of the funniest things I've seen on TV. This angry little man, wrenching a lock off a door and taking on two burly bouncers: genius. Unfortunately for us, this means a Leo-less house. Davina came across as a prize cunt taking the piss out of him, he was a truly entertaining housemate, giving us 90% of the true belly laughs in the house. His snobbery about nominations was amazing as well, what a legend. His loss is going to be enormous, and Big Brother needs to engineer a bit fat shake up to bring anything resembling fun back to the show.
Carole going was a suprise to no one, and I was pleased to see the back of her after her snitching up of Shilpa when she found herself in the nominations firing line. Let's see how loyal she stays to Danielle et al now she has a newspaper editor on her back. I shant hold my breath.
The rise and rise of Jade in the house is disappointing to watch. All the females (bar Shilpa) are grovelling round her like she's the second coming (which she is, I suppose). Her attack on Dirk over the whisky was horrible, and I don't blame him for pouring it out. I'd have poured it over her fat froggy face. I hope she gets a big wake up call when she leaves. Unfortunately, (she shares Davina's agent for fuck's sake!) I don't think she will.
I've watched back the bit about Jack and I can't work out if he said 'paki'. I'd err more towards the side of yes he did, but I can't say for certain. If he did, and BB are letting it slide, shame on them.
Shame on them anyway for fucking everything up. They'd better pull their socks up come summer.
Carole going was a suprise to no one, and I was pleased to see the back of her after her snitching up of Shilpa when she found herself in the nominations firing line. Let's see how loyal she stays to Danielle et al now she has a newspaper editor on her back. I shant hold my breath.
The rise and rise of Jade in the house is disappointing to watch. All the females (bar Shilpa) are grovelling round her like she's the second coming (which she is, I suppose). Her attack on Dirk over the whisky was horrible, and I don't blame him for pouring it out. I'd have poured it over her fat froggy face. I hope she gets a big wake up call when she leaves. Unfortunately, (she shares Davina's agent for fuck's sake!) I don't think she will.
I've watched back the bit about Jack and I can't work out if he said 'paki'. I'd err more towards the side of yes he did, but I can't say for certain. If he did, and BB are letting it slide, shame on them.
Shame on them anyway for fucking everything up. They'd better pull their socks up come summer.
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Letting Go
Dirk made a speech tonight, basically encapsulating the age old cliche 'if you love them, let them go'. It was probably the most profound thing I've ever heard in the Big Brother house. Well either that or Leo talking about having a wank.
So Jackiey left. Everyone over-reacted wonderfully except Dirk who said it like it was: 'she was a mean-spirited woman.' Not only that, she lumbered around the house like Quasimodo. Dirk keeps telling it like it is! No wonder he's up for nomination. I lost respect for Cleo when she harped on about how 'amazing' Jackiey was. 'Please tell us she got some shoes!' No they just threw her out on a gravelly street without so much as her bus fare home, you muppet. Carole was more on the the money when she described her as 'sub-normal'.
Please, please, please don't vote Leo out, people! His ramblings about 'Celebrity' with a capital c are amazing. It was a little cruel when they all walked off when he came to sit down. He's like Gollum in a hoodie and a wig. He's a menace to society. Hurrah!
Rather like Jack, my boyfriend hates Shilpa, but I'm still on the side of poise over chavilry. Why DID Jack say he hated Shilpa? Why DID Jade tell him to shut up? Due to the editing machine, we shall probably never know. But I'm guessing 'cos he fancies her' and 'cos of OK magazine.'
*just went on the messageboards and talk is Jack called Shilpa a 'paki'. Would explain Jade's reaction, I suppose. IF he did, Big Brother: please chuck him out. They've already said casual racism is OK with the championing of Jackiey. Let's not encourage it further.
So Jackiey left. Everyone over-reacted wonderfully except Dirk who said it like it was: 'she was a mean-spirited woman.' Not only that, she lumbered around the house like Quasimodo. Dirk keeps telling it like it is! No wonder he's up for nomination. I lost respect for Cleo when she harped on about how 'amazing' Jackiey was. 'Please tell us she got some shoes!' No they just threw her out on a gravelly street without so much as her bus fare home, you muppet. Carole was more on the the money when she described her as 'sub-normal'.
Please, please, please don't vote Leo out, people! His ramblings about 'Celebrity' with a capital c are amazing. It was a little cruel when they all walked off when he came to sit down. He's like Gollum in a hoodie and a wig. He's a menace to society. Hurrah!
Rather like Jack, my boyfriend hates Shilpa, but I'm still on the side of poise over chavilry. Why DID Jack say he hated Shilpa? Why DID Jade tell him to shut up? Due to the editing machine, we shall probably never know. But I'm guessing 'cos he fancies her' and 'cos of OK magazine.'
*just went on the messageboards and talk is Jack called Shilpa a 'paki'. Would explain Jade's reaction, I suppose. IF he did, Big Brother: please chuck him out. They've already said casual racism is OK with the championing of Jackiey. Let's not encourage it further.
Wednesday, 10 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: White Trash
I don't believe the public voted to save everyone but Jackiey. Even though this is a woman who bought a social etequette book and thought it said 'DON'T' in the tips instead of 'DO'. Every single word, action, social norm, she drove a JCB through, whilst looking like a man at a gurning contest eating Sours. What must she have looked like BEFORE the makeover? Luckily, I can't recall it. Hey ho, I'm glad to see the back of the old bitch, even though it was a really cruel way to do it. No shoes and a scabby back. I did feel for Jade.
Who voted for Jack? Admittedly, he's passable wallpaper, but honestly. Entertainment? I've had more fun watching Heartbeat. Will Jack 'come out of his shell'? I'm not counting on it. But I'm glad he stayed for now.
In other news, it was hilarious when Jermaine very politely called Jackiey white trash 'off the Jerry Springer show'. It was the most reserved insult of all time. I really like Jermaine, he seems very mellow and chilled and he has lovely teeth.
The BB execs are clearly trying to demonise Shilpa, which is depressing. A successful, beautiful actress? Of course, she has to be a manipulative bitch. I must be machevellian to the extreme because I would have knocked Jackiey's teeth out in her shoes. An ignorant, aggressive ex-junkie calling someone 'the Indian' is not something to be cheered, despite what the numbskulls in the Big Brother studio would have you believe. It is wrong. Here's the acid test: who would you rather be stuck in a lift with, Jackiey or Shilpa? If you answered Jackiey, seek help.
Who voted for Jack? Admittedly, he's passable wallpaper, but honestly. Entertainment? I've had more fun watching Heartbeat. Will Jack 'come out of his shell'? I'm not counting on it. But I'm glad he stayed for now.
In other news, it was hilarious when Jermaine very politely called Jackiey white trash 'off the Jerry Springer show'. It was the most reserved insult of all time. I really like Jermaine, he seems very mellow and chilled and he has lovely teeth.
The BB execs are clearly trying to demonise Shilpa, which is depressing. A successful, beautiful actress? Of course, she has to be a manipulative bitch. I must be machevellian to the extreme because I would have knocked Jackiey's teeth out in her shoes. An ignorant, aggressive ex-junkie calling someone 'the Indian' is not something to be cheered, despite what the numbskulls in the Big Brother studio would have you believe. It is wrong. Here's the acid test: who would you rather be stuck in a lift with, Jackiey or Shilpa? If you answered Jackiey, seek help.
Celebrity Big Brother: The Guantanamo Bay Edition
The breakdown of Leo Sayer has been hilarious. From day one when he declared he could 'light up a room' I knew that we were in for trouble. Then all my suspicions were confirmed when he turned out to be a rather unpleasant little man, complaining of the rise of non-entity celebs whilst living in the home of those that created the cult. Comparing the Big Brother experience to being in Guantanamo Bay seems a slight over-exagerration. Next thing you know he'll be crying 'concentration camp' cos he's run out of hairspray.
It also turns out he's extremely crude, talking of being horny, wanking and finally inviting Big Brother to 'look at his dick'. Lovely! His contract must have been water-tight as he sloped out of the room like a little mouse after reading it. He is making the show at the moment though, and long may he stay and be annoyed by EVERYTHING.
I think Big Brother begrudgingly listened to the voices of dissent online as last nights show was quite Goody-free. I really enjoyed the 'romance' (invented and stirred up beautifully by Carol) between Dirk and Shilpa, who are both classy people in a house full of morons and egos. Dirk is very funny and cool, and says it like it is. He's definitely my pick to win.
As for the Goodys, it's a shame Jack will be leaving tonight and not Jackiey. Now there's one person I really would like to send to Guantanamo bay. Seriously, I'd swap her for a genuine terrorist (if there's one there- which I doubt).
It also turns out he's extremely crude, talking of being horny, wanking and finally inviting Big Brother to 'look at his dick'. Lovely! His contract must have been water-tight as he sloped out of the room like a little mouse after reading it. He is making the show at the moment though, and long may he stay and be annoyed by EVERYTHING.
I think Big Brother begrudgingly listened to the voices of dissent online as last nights show was quite Goody-free. I really enjoyed the 'romance' (invented and stirred up beautifully by Carol) between Dirk and Shilpa, who are both classy people in a house full of morons and egos. Dirk is very funny and cool, and says it like it is. He's definitely my pick to win.
As for the Goodys, it's a shame Jack will be leaving tonight and not Jackiey. Now there's one person I really would like to send to Guantanamo bay. Seriously, I'd swap her for a genuine terrorist (if there's one there- which I doubt).
Monday, 8 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Skidaddle
So Ken skidaddled. And who can blame him? Although Jade was actually in the right during that argument, Ken was playing up to it. I do feel sorry for Jade: a mute boyfriend, the mother from hell. Her grandparents were alright though, if completely pointless. I wouldn't care about Morrissey's grandparents, so why should I give a shit about Jade's? It was cute when they were in the diary room though, I bet Jade couldn't have envisaged that three years ago. She's clearly struggling though. She needs some emotional support.
Even so, she's ruined the show, so burn her!
Leo's slating of the older Goodys for being common was horrible; his gameplan is unravelling as fast as his wig. Dirk is proving to be the dark horse, I'd feel comfortable putting a fiver on him if it wasn't for those meddling kids (the Big Brother producers). I also like Cleo, but we haven't really got to know her. We haven't really got to know anyone, thanks to the rubbish task. Apparently BB has lost 4 million viewers. I'm not surprised.
Put them back together. Let the sparks fly.
PS. Are Jade and her boyfriend even shagging? They don't even seem to know each other very well, or like each other. There's no passion, or laughing, or flirting, or arguing, or even conversation.
Pretty boys are alright for a while, but if he's got nothing upstairs, what's the point? I wonder what's in it for him, sitting on telly with three generations of Goodys. Where will he be this time next year? I wouldn't put any money on him joining the clan. In fact, I think he might take his blood money very soon... and run.
Even so, she's ruined the show, so burn her!
Leo's slating of the older Goodys for being common was horrible; his gameplan is unravelling as fast as his wig. Dirk is proving to be the dark horse, I'd feel comfortable putting a fiver on him if it wasn't for those meddling kids (the Big Brother producers). I also like Cleo, but we haven't really got to know her. We haven't really got to know anyone, thanks to the rubbish task. Apparently BB has lost 4 million viewers. I'm not surprised.
Put them back together. Let the sparks fly.
PS. Are Jade and her boyfriend even shagging? They don't even seem to know each other very well, or like each other. There's no passion, or laughing, or flirting, or arguing, or even conversation.
Pretty boys are alright for a while, but if he's got nothing upstairs, what's the point? I wonder what's in it for him, sitting on telly with three generations of Goodys. Where will he be this time next year? I wouldn't put any money on him joining the clan. In fact, I think he might take his blood money very soon... and run.
Sunday, 7 January 2007
The Death of Deal or No Deal
About three months ago I had the radio whilst I was washing up in the kitchen, and on the news someone announced that a contestant had won the £250,000 on Deal or No Deal, my favourite programme. I was VERY annoyed. Having kept this to myself for all this time so I didn't spoil the surprise for my boyfriend, today I got two texts, one from my best mate and one from my mum, saying 'did you watch Deal or no Deal today?' Despite the casual nature of these messages, I knew what this meant.
So, still keeping schtum, I sat down with my boyfriend to watch. It was still very good, entertaining and tense, and the contestant was very brave, but I'm sure it would have been better had I not known. It was cool to see Noel with a tear in his eye.
However, now the gold has been discovered, does this spell the death of Deal? Can there ever be such satisfaction at beating the banker again? Or do Noel and co face the inevitable decline that Millionaire has been wading through for... ooh, about five years?
I hope not. I love Noel and the Deal format. Hopefully next time, I won't know what's going to happen. And I'm still proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut for so long!
So, still keeping schtum, I sat down with my boyfriend to watch. It was still very good, entertaining and tense, and the contestant was very brave, but I'm sure it would have been better had I not known. It was cool to see Noel with a tear in his eye.
However, now the gold has been discovered, does this spell the death of Deal? Can there ever be such satisfaction at beating the banker again? Or do Noel and co face the inevitable decline that Millionaire has been wading through for... ooh, about five years?
I hope not. I love Noel and the Deal format. Hopefully next time, I won't know what's going to happen. And I'm still proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut for so long!
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Oh Mother
Big Brother has well and truly hit the skids. Ken has now walked. Tonights show was a big, unhappy mess. True, it was entertaining at times. But God. Jade's family has taken over the show (except the mute boyfriend, of course). Jade's mum is the scummiest person on Earth, let's be honest. Her non-remembering of Shilpa's name is pathetic. She is agressive and an ugly person. I felt for Jade, who seems reasonably sensible by comparison. Her questioning of Jermaine about Michael was amazingly good TV. To have no social boundaries makes for interesting telly, but bad living conditions. Really, stupidity is reigning in the BB house at the moment, and anyone with an ounce of sense is just being tied up in knots by the shouty Goodys.
Leo Sayer's vow of silence was amusing. Long may it continue. What a knob-end he is.
The divide has made the show miserable to watch. Just put the two groups back together and let Carol/ Jo/ whoever tear a strip off Jackiey. My God, it feels wrong to spell it like that.
Leo Sayer's vow of silence was amusing. Long may it continue. What a knob-end he is.
The divide has made the show miserable to watch. Just put the two groups back together and let Carol/ Jo/ whoever tear a strip off Jackiey. My God, it feels wrong to spell it like that.
Saturday, 6 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Death of Rock n Roll
And so Donny walked, stepping on H's head as he left. Well, near enough. Not wanting to wait on Jade Goody because she's a moron is a good enough reason for me for leaving. However, it's not good for us viewers.
The only story to speak of tonight was the class divide. Shilpa and Jermaine were rightly disgusted with the ignorant Goodys: 'do you live in a shack'- WHAT?! Jade's citing herself as darling of the nation is clearly a set-up, BB made her, and BB will break her again. Can she not see it? Shilpa asking Jack 'what he did' was amusing. Good question.
Leo Sayer not wanting to be a servant as he 'has his pride' was silly. Not with that hair you don't, mate. Did he not see last years Celeb BB? Threatening to walk is pointless now someone actually has. Better get ready to put your money where your mouth is.
Diary Room Uncut was slightly more entertaining. Note to Danielle: if H from Steps thinks you're thick, you must be a first class dunce.
The only story to speak of tonight was the class divide. Shilpa and Jermaine were rightly disgusted with the ignorant Goodys: 'do you live in a shack'- WHAT?! Jade's citing herself as darling of the nation is clearly a set-up, BB made her, and BB will break her again. Can she not see it? Shilpa asking Jack 'what he did' was amusing. Good question.
Leo Sayer not wanting to be a servant as he 'has his pride' was silly. Not with that hair you don't, mate. Did he not see last years Celeb BB? Threatening to walk is pointless now someone actually has. Better get ready to put your money where your mouth is.
Diary Room Uncut was slightly more entertaining. Note to Danielle: if H from Steps thinks you're thick, you must be a first class dunce.
Friday, 5 January 2007
Eastenders: The Mr Byrite Week
Does Mr Byrite even exist anymore? I'm sure it doesn't. Anyway. Only Eastenders could drag out Pauline's funeral for one WHOLE week.
People wearing the same suit AND tie: Martin, Joe, Parklife guy, Gary, Jim, Ian. At least mix it up a little. We have short attention spans, but not that much.
Martin's acting. Nothing can match it. He cries. He shouts. He makes everyone laugh unintentionally. I can just see him in a few years time, our very own Guy Pearce, mixing it up in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan hanging from his arm. In the meantime he has to put up with Sonia. But Sonia too, shall have her day in the USA. She may be the girl to tame Clooney. Time will tell. You read it here first.
People wearing the same suit AND tie: Martin, Joe, Parklife guy, Gary, Jim, Ian. At least mix it up a little. We have short attention spans, but not that much.
Martin's acting. Nothing can match it. He cries. He shouts. He makes everyone laugh unintentionally. I can just see him in a few years time, our very own Guy Pearce, mixing it up in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan hanging from his arm. In the meantime he has to put up with Sonia. But Sonia too, shall have her day in the USA. She may be the girl to tame Clooney. Time will tell. You read it here first.
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The 'Twist'
When is a twist not a twist? When every fucker on earth knew about it a week ago. It's day 3 of Celeb BB. I don't even know all the names yet, and still they insist on yanking the people apart, messing with the budding relationships and generally proving they don't have a fucking CLUE what makes Big Brother successful. What's good about Big Brother? Romance. Fights. What's bad about Big Brother? The time they split in in half.
Just let things develop naturally, goddamit. Fucking IDIOTS.
Davina's mind-boggling excitement like a joke email that says at the top 'This is REALLY funny!' and makes you hate it immediately, says 'ooh, just imagine Jermaine slumming it in here...' then they let the fucking muppet contestants pick who goes in. Not that I even care about that stupid twist anyway. Jermaine's child is called Jermajesty. How the FUCK did they not laugh when he told them that?
So it's half time at the moment and despite almost being forced Clockwork orange stylee by C4 to watch Ugly Betty I'm waiting for Jade and co to meet... Ken, Bollywood, and Mr. Spray-On Hair. That's not a fireworks explosion, that's a wet sparkler. Seriously, shoot the producers. Just get some TV columnists and internet forum members to run the show. It would cause the Earth to shudder on it's axis.
Dear God, please make Jade's stupid boyfriend flirt with Shilpa. I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.
Ooh. Round two.
Well the best bit was Jade unintentionally calling the others 'cold' on the big screen. See, BB, you can't engineer cock-ups like that. BB dropped the ball again by not even letting us see the 'servants' meeting the Goodys. Dur?
I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron. She will put her foot in it and provide some accidental comedy. She will get jealous and rub some of the more stuck-up ones up the wrong way.
A final word: Davina dressing up as Ugly Betty in the ad break. Is there nothing you won't do, woman? Jade has more fucking integrity than this woman. Sack Davina and Dermot. Let Russell do the lot.
Just let things develop naturally, goddamit. Fucking IDIOTS.
Davina's mind-boggling excitement like a joke email that says at the top 'This is REALLY funny!' and makes you hate it immediately, says 'ooh, just imagine Jermaine slumming it in here...' then they let the fucking muppet contestants pick who goes in. Not that I even care about that stupid twist anyway. Jermaine's child is called Jermajesty. How the FUCK did they not laugh when he told them that?
So it's half time at the moment and despite almost being forced Clockwork orange stylee by C4 to watch Ugly Betty I'm waiting for Jade and co to meet... Ken, Bollywood, and Mr. Spray-On Hair. That's not a fireworks explosion, that's a wet sparkler. Seriously, shoot the producers. Just get some TV columnists and internet forum members to run the show. It would cause the Earth to shudder on it's axis.
Dear God, please make Jade's stupid boyfriend flirt with Shilpa. I would LOVE to see Jade's empire fall to bits around her. I bet I'm not the only one.
Ooh. Round two.
Well the best bit was Jade unintentionally calling the others 'cold' on the big screen. See, BB, you can't engineer cock-ups like that. BB dropped the ball again by not even letting us see the 'servants' meeting the Goodys. Dur?
I felt warm to Jade, even though she is a hateful moron. She will put her foot in it and provide some accidental comedy. She will get jealous and rub some of the more stuck-up ones up the wrong way.
A final word: Davina dressing up as Ugly Betty in the ad break. Is there nothing you won't do, woman? Jade has more fucking integrity than this woman. Sack Davina and Dermot. Let Russell do the lot.
The Jeremy Kyle Show: every day... for eternity
I happened to catch a few episodes of the Jeremy Kyle Show before I went back to work and was genuinely appalled. Both the guests and the audience looked like freakish extras, made up to look exageratedly ugly or chavvy. I struggled to believe some of these were real people (and let's be honest, the stories could be made up, but the heroin-rotted teeth of someone who's about 18 and looks 40-odd tell their own story).
I remember Jeremy himself from his 'late night love' days... we could only tune into Virgin radio on the £9.99 plastic fish radio in the bathroom, so we were often stuck listening to him peddling his cliche-ridden, shouty advice whilst trying to have a romantic bath. I often wondered why people continuously called him to be told they were a drunk, or a loose woman, or a bad father.
On TV he looks exactly as you'd expect, King of the Frogs, bog-eyed, frowny brow, still small, still claiming to not be sitting in an 'ivory tower' whilst telling people with hopeless, cashless lives to be more like him. I marvel at how no one can have lamped him before now.
The daytime TV diet of infidelity interspersed with debt, debt and more debt leads to a worthless, grubby feeling, even if you're just on your holidays. For people who get up and sit through Trisha, Jeremy, Ricky, Jerry day after day, there must seem like no future at all, no way out. It's no wonder the wife's best friend or another line looks appealing.
Like it or not, Kyle is no better than a pimp or dealer. He peddles abuse, affairs, anger. Trisha is equally culpable with her faux-caring veneer, her lick of gloss on top of the misery.
You too could borrow £30,000 pounds. There is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Just go kill yourself.
I remember Jeremy himself from his 'late night love' days... we could only tune into Virgin radio on the £9.99 plastic fish radio in the bathroom, so we were often stuck listening to him peddling his cliche-ridden, shouty advice whilst trying to have a romantic bath. I often wondered why people continuously called him to be told they were a drunk, or a loose woman, or a bad father.
On TV he looks exactly as you'd expect, King of the Frogs, bog-eyed, frowny brow, still small, still claiming to not be sitting in an 'ivory tower' whilst telling people with hopeless, cashless lives to be more like him. I marvel at how no one can have lamped him before now.
The daytime TV diet of infidelity interspersed with debt, debt and more debt leads to a worthless, grubby feeling, even if you're just on your holidays. For people who get up and sit through Trisha, Jeremy, Ricky, Jerry day after day, there must seem like no future at all, no way out. It's no wonder the wife's best friend or another line looks appealing.
Like it or not, Kyle is no better than a pimp or dealer. He peddles abuse, affairs, anger. Trisha is equally culpable with her faux-caring veneer, her lick of gloss on top of the misery.
You too could borrow £30,000 pounds. There is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Just go kill yourself.
Thursday, 4 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Gobbing
What is more disgusting? a. Donny gobbing in the jacuzzi? b. Donny using the jacuzzi as an ashtray? or c. Donny sleeping naked next to Leo Sayer?
His passive aggressive drunkeness was by turns hilarious, frightening, bullying and revolting. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's there. I'm glad the others are still kidding themselves everyone is nice and they are one big happy family. I want to see the old folk annoyed. I want to see the bimbos (Danielle & H) humiliated. I want to see them crack!
I would NOT like to be locked in a house with him. I'd kill him. My money is on Carol and him coming to blows first. I think there's a 50/50 chance he'll get booted.
Next time he's bullying the fat old snorer, just think of his bewildered little face when Face was taking the pee out of him.
As a woman who had to sleep on the couch last night because of cold-induced snoring from a loved-one, I sympathise with you, housemates, one and all.
His passive aggressive drunkeness was by turns hilarious, frightening, bullying and revolting. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's there. I'm glad the others are still kidding themselves everyone is nice and they are one big happy family. I want to see the old folk annoyed. I want to see the bimbos (Danielle & H) humiliated. I want to see them crack!
I would NOT like to be locked in a house with him. I'd kill him. My money is on Carol and him coming to blows first. I think there's a 50/50 chance he'll get booted.
Next time he's bullying the fat old snorer, just think of his bewildered little face when Face was taking the pee out of him.
As a woman who had to sleep on the couch last night because of cold-induced snoring from a loved-one, I sympathise with you, housemates, one and all.
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The Entrance
They teased us with The Hoff. They tempted us with Kilroy. They name-dropped that antique-dealer tranny freak like Courtney Love name-drops Mel Gibson and Prince Andrew. They whispered rat-boy Federline's name into our ear-holes. And what did we get instead?
Someone's girlfriend. Someone's brother. The one man in Britain who makes Pete Doherty seem like a decent houseguest. OK, I shouldn't complain about that. He might prove fun if he stops being such a cliche. (have you HEARD the single of his, though? Truly awful.)
But I definitely felt cheated watching BB last night. I felt cheated watching the live feed and seeing Tourette boy chatting with H from Steps (did he REALLY only just come out? I feel like I've known he was gay since I was about 16.) Where's the other indie totty? Or even just any man aged between 20 and 40 who's even midly easy on the eye? The boys have got a few young bits of fluff to ogle. We get A PISSED UP TRAMP! Grrr! Davina, Queen of Chavs, you sold us out.
Even worse, there are too many old folk in there. OK, a journalist may stir things up, especially that Madge/Heather hating old boot. The film director looks fun for a bit, but can you see him doing an obstacle course through chicken guts? Dancing to Jackson 5 hits for an all-night stint? Nah, me neither.
Dunno why I'm fussed: I never like Celeb BB anyway. I much prefer getting to know non-entities. I just don't want to get to know celeb non-entities.
But I WILL! Of course I will. And I'll like it! Eventually.
Someone's girlfriend. Someone's brother. The one man in Britain who makes Pete Doherty seem like a decent houseguest. OK, I shouldn't complain about that. He might prove fun if he stops being such a cliche. (have you HEARD the single of his, though? Truly awful.)
But I definitely felt cheated watching BB last night. I felt cheated watching the live feed and seeing Tourette boy chatting with H from Steps (did he REALLY only just come out? I feel like I've known he was gay since I was about 16.) Where's the other indie totty? Or even just any man aged between 20 and 40 who's even midly easy on the eye? The boys have got a few young bits of fluff to ogle. We get A PISSED UP TRAMP! Grrr! Davina, Queen of Chavs, you sold us out.
Even worse, there are too many old folk in there. OK, a journalist may stir things up, especially that Madge/Heather hating old boot. The film director looks fun for a bit, but can you see him doing an obstacle course through chicken guts? Dancing to Jackson 5 hits for an all-night stint? Nah, me neither.
Dunno why I'm fussed: I never like Celeb BB anyway. I much prefer getting to know non-entities. I just don't want to get to know celeb non-entities.
But I WILL! Of course I will. And I'll like it! Eventually.
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