Big Brother 2011 - Wine whines

The houseguests are not respecting those fixtures and fittings! Tom and Maisy moaning about being fat is rather tiresome. Tom is borderline anorexic.

Pet suckers! How did they fall for that one? Faye probably does treat her pets like that, she treats her men worse.

A science lesson with Heaven and Aden. I think she must have said melanin about seventy-five times then. Lol to Harry and Jay trying to order wine gums and Heaven ordering avocado. Hopefully Heaven won't be around to eat the avocado. What sort of person takes chocolate OFF a shopping list? This show has been quite boring so far.

My friend just pointed out that the show might be suffering from a lack of Rebeckah. She's right. There's barely any tension, just pranks and people talking shit.

If in doubt, force drink down their throats. Then they'll have an argument. Maisy, taking something that doesn't belong to her that she doesn't even want? Never.

Louise looks drunk! How many drinks does she have to have before she succumbs to Jay's 'charms'?

God, there's so much tittle-tattle in that house! Anton is chief shit stirrer. How can he say 'it wasn't me' wearing a hat that said 'wasn't me'. Faye feels victimised. I wish someone would really give her something to moan about. Also, what's she wearing, a leotard and harem pants? Also, why is Faye all chummy with Maisy? Maisy has a boyfriend yet snogged the man Faye fancied, just for a laugh.

Don't be shady over a bit of wine! Faye's sitting in the corner crying. It's not exactly Fight Night is it? Jay would never leave a man behind on the Big Brother battlefield.

Harry to Mark: 'your advice is somewhat unorthodox at times.' Brilliant.

Don't refer to yourself as a 'bird', Louise, it's self-hating.

Faye: 'I'm the most [insert word here] person in the house.' Why have you got a love bit on your neck? How does Faye get away with the way she acts towards everyone? She sucks the oxygen out of a room.

Sorry this blog is shit, but blame C5. Right, I'm off to Amsterdam. Save Aaron and see you Monday.

Big Brother 2011 - Nice one, dickhead

Sad song on the wakey-upey montage today, serious times. Let's all bow our heads.

Does Alex SERIOUSLY think that's a real gorilla? It's made of fucking acrylic! It's just that dude off those Cadburys adverts dullards like. They've spent a few quid on that cage, why not stick Mark in there?

Also it would be extremely cruel to have a real gorilla in there. They had to take the chickens away after the first year because they couldn't look after them - they couldn't even be trusted with a pot plant. What is 'the end game' they're going on about?

I wonder why Aaron thinks Faye doesn't fancy him when she says things like 'if you do that again I'll elbow you in the face.' Passive aggressive, much?

Phil Collins! They're trying to subliminally sell us Cadburys. This gorilla shit is boring. Should have got a Zingbot instead.

Maisy doesn't give head? That's a sure fire way to make your boyfriend go fuck a prostitute. Plus, how selfish. I like that toothy bitch less every day *sexist*. Oh Anton, you desperate little child. Louise isn't 'wild in bed'- she's just normal, and she's never going to fuck you. Ever. Birthday or leap year or five minutes before the nuclear winter.

I like those cuddly monkeys- want one! They're probably trying to sell us them, too. (Where can I get one?)

I'd go fucking nuts if Harry sprayed that garlic on my bed. R-Pattz would go fucking garrity, also. Bed is a sacred place; not to be fucked with. Oh, they're all doing it. Gross!

Why does Aaron look all golden? And more to the point, is he still leaving? Oh no, he's just leading everyone on again.

Louise is sooooo far out of Jay's league it's untrue. Look at his little side parting today. He looks like a right plank.

Willy willy willy! The greatest song ever written on Big Brother, even better than Aden's raps and (Triple) Spiral's ditties.

Harry's getting a bit overexcited! It's all going to end in tears. There's no Carole or Kerry Katona to get them in line. They need a mummy or daddy to point at the rule book and raise an eyebrow. Oh, Heaven's having a go. Why has Harry turned sick? Be aggressive, be-eee aggressive. Heaven didn't do anything that bad. That's the day to kick off anyway, way after nominations, not the day before (take note, Aaron).

Faye is looking increasingly desperate, and I'm starting to think Aaron will get off with anything. His Mr Innocent act is wearing ever thinner. 'You take a chance if you're given it, and you fall in love with anything' as Roddy Woomble once sang.

Why DID Harry snap? I think they must have cut that a bit strangely, as it didn't seem to make sense.

How often is there a naked man standing in the middle of the room as you have a big row? Well, depends where you live, I suppose.

Big Brother 2011 - Martyr-dumb

Anton. Repeat after me: I am not Slick Vic. I am not Slick Vic. Cos you see... you've got no charm.

Oh Jesus, are we going to have to go through kissgate all day today as well? Maisy is quite heartless, she doesn't give a shit about Aaron, just her shoes.

Tom is taking it a bit far, now. You're not his boyfriend! Seriously, relax. Why aren't they playing the alarm to get Aaron out of bed? I bet they never play the alarm anymore. They only need a couple of hour's footage, so they only need them awake a few hours.

Why does Aaron have to say sorry? He's not in a polygamous relationship with Tom and Faye. Maisy looks like she couldn't give a shit if Aaron lived or died. Aaron is not helping himself either, his martyrdom act is getting a bit hammy.

Anton is talking about the tax-free £100K winnings! Don't clear any space in your bank account, mate, because there's more chance of Jay running the country than you getting your hand on that green.

Maisy, don't go into counselling, you're not exactly warm. Bet you Maisy nominates Aaron! Aaron is making himself such an easy target sulking in bed. They WANT to send you home! Stop inviting them to.
OK, I'll confess, Mark has made me laugh two or three times in the past two days. But let's never speak of it again.

If Aaron doesn't pull himself together he is going to get voted out. OMG Aaron called Tom 'a disgusting person.' Harsh! Oh fucking hell, stop going on about going home. Just walk if you feel like that!

This is getting really fucking boring now. Tom, you owe Aaron an apology for saying you were gonna smack him in the face.

Nom noms! I know who's up (thanks, Digital Spy). Good nominations, Alex, voting for Anton and Aden. My thoughts exactly.

Anton voted for Aaron out of JEALOUSY! You got beat. Accept it. Aden voting for Heaven? Shocker!

Faye, what did you have for breakfast? Sour grapes? You nagging old shrew! I pity the man you finally ensnare.

Hmm, I wonder why Maisy doesn't like Louise? Is it because she's stunning? I wonder. Maisy was lucky not to be up this week. I'd like to have seen her shown the door.

Interesting that everyone says Aden's changed. Mark's nominations might as well have been scripted.

Interesting no one nominated Harry! He's well under the radar now. Floaters (don't) grab a life-vest.

All Maisy cares about is being desired, and she doesn't care who she hurts along the way. She's about as sensitive as a Coke can.

I don't know why Aaron is bothering to appease Faye. I'd drown her in the pool if I was in there.

Is ANYTHING ELSE going to happen in this episode? FFS. Can we have a bit of comedy or a task or something? Anything?

Faye: 'I want you to stay, I don't want you to go.' Why did you nominate him then? Also, what is that jumper Aaron is wearing?

That hug between Aaron and Maisy was super uncomfy. They SHOULD have had sex for all the grief it caused!

I thought Aaron was quite cold with Tom at the end. I think he is a bit of a emotional headfucker, like Rebeckah (I wrote it again!) in a way. But still, save him! Let's show Heaven the door this week. Negative energy! I should coco.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm not a bed hopping sex fiend

Oh readers, I was relying on you, and you let me down. Turned my back on you and you voted out Rebeckah. I hope you're enjoying Aden sobbing and doing mournful raps and Heaven with a newly pumped-up ego, talking about herself in the third person. I hope you're proud of yourselves!

I was glad Rebeckah didn't apologise for her behaviour, and her goodbye video was inspired. 'The rest of you pale into insignificance' - brilliant. On the bright side, I don't have to spell 'Rebeckah' like that ever again.

I did make some vague notes about the catch up episodes, but I lost most of them. From yesterday's, the main things were: what'a all the fuss about a man weeing sitting down? If Faye is that icked out by that she must be really fucking boring in bed, as well as being a dull-as-fuck housemate. Same for the wanking competition, clearly just a bit of fun, yet Alex saw fit to call it 'inappropriate'. Inappropriate? In the Big Brother house? It's like a fucking nunnery in there.

The only other thing of note was I wanted to say something about how interchangable all the romances seem. It's like anyone will get off with anyone. I liked the little exchange between Tom and Aaron yesterday; that seemed like where the genuine feelings were to me.

I also want to say: Anton is probably the biggest prick to ever walk through the Big Brother doors. Ever. EVER. Just consider that.

My boyfriend just said they should have thermal imaging in the bedroom so we can see exactly what goes on under the covers. Take note, BB.

I like Aaron, and the way he's just bumbling through this situation. Maisy gave it to him on the plate and he couldn't say no. He doesn't fancy Maisy. He doesn't really like Faye. He used to like Louise!

I don't think Faye even likes Aaron. She just wants something to cling onto. The relationships in that house are last less long than my diet plans.

Everything Faye says I disagree with. She's a dour, fun-hating, narrow-minded bore who only got in because of that body, which she's covered up every day since. Put that nice dress on again or just fuck off, because you're a waste of airtime.

God, what is such a big deal about having a cheeky snog? No one is committed to anyone on that house! it's Big Brother: get naked and run around and snog everyone! What else are you in there for?

Harry: 'that fox in London that ate that child' - is he working for the Daily Mail? *insert picture of angry fox snarling here*

All Anton ever talks about is rating the girls on a sliding scale! He's gross. He's like a 15 year old 'fingers in all the pies, literally'. Intelligent? He's barely sentient. Heaven's crab eyes rolling when Anton dished the dirt about Aaron and Maisy. Classic.

At least Tom was honest that he was jealous not like all that Kerry Katona/ Lucien bullshit. I prefer it straight up.

Loved them ripping Aaron about Maisy's age. Honestly, they've got too much time on their hands in that house. The tiniest of incidents has been blown out of all proportion. Look at them all peeking round the door! Have they never seen anyone have a snog before? Fucking hell, I've got less grief over snogging someone whilst IN a relationship before. If Aaron properly got it on with Tom they'd have to send in the smelling salts.

Maisy has been cleaning her teeth for about three hours so far. It's really not becoming of Maisy to lie about this bullshit. It's a SNOG! Just go 'yeah, I snogged him. I'm single. What of it?' End of discussion.

OMG Faye what rights do you have to Aaron?! NONE! You got out of that bed and said 'spoon Maisy.' You got what you wanted! Who the fuck is she to say shit about his son? Fuck her, man. Fucking bitch. Yeah, you don't know him, you're not his fucking girlfriend so just shut your mouth.

Why is everyone having a go at Aaron and not Maisy? Is she a member of victim club now, too?My boyfriend thinks it's because they're giving them so much booze in the house they've all gone mentals. I think they're just all mentals.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm a 19 year old boy! *blub*

Two blogs in a row? My fingers hurt. I also write all day for my job. No wonder I'm so fat. Mind you, get your money's worth out of me, as there'll be no BB blogs Friday and Saturday. I'm going to a conference (whoop!) so I'm going to miss the Rebeckah/ Heaven eviction! Nooooo. I promise to do a big catch up on Sunday or Mon at the latest, if I'm half dead on Sun, which I might be after lots of smiling and running about. Come on, wait for me. It's not like I'm on death row.

I like Tom's policy on 'barber shop banter'. Anyone who likes talking to their hairdresser or enjoys going to the hairdresser is a freak. I don't blame him for not getting his hair cut off. In BBUSA Muslim heartthrob Kaysar had to shave his head for a task and I didn't fancy him anymore. It ruined the next next few... well days, before he got voted out (again).

I don't blame Faye for not getting that tattoo either. I reckon Jay would have done it, though.

I like Alex and Tom's relationship. Why does Rebeckah talk in such an enunciated way? It's like she's talking to a toddler.

LOL to Alex 'I didn't change my quilt for seven months, but I febreezed it.' Just as good!

Aden has actually got a bit of a problem now, hasn't he, it's gone from cute, puppy love to a bit obsessive. Rebecca is ENJOYING his pain! Man, she is evil.

I know BB wants Rebeckah to stay this week, but killing Heaven via bungee jump isn't on. I've done a lot of stupid things in my time, but you wouldn't catch me doing that fucker, It should be illegal in my opinion. Either way, Heaven gets a good edit out of it.

What is that willy willy willy song they do? I heard them sing a pussy pussy pussy one once so at least they're equal opportunities. Mind you, that's not getting as much airtime.

Ooh Aden is getting foot rub rage. You're NOT HER BOYFRIEND, Aden. You could be a stalker, though. Aden's not letting it get to him. He's all good. Yeah, right.

Aden on Maisy: 'trust me if I wanted to, I could get Maisy.' Not in this lifetime, kiddo. God, he sounds like such a prick when he's talking to Anton. He's like a different person.

I like the evilness of BB threatening to show the nominations. They should have gone for it, that would have been AMAZING TV.

I like Tom's haircut. This envelope is going to have '1' written on it, isn't it? Ah, they passed! Boo.

Aden is being SUCH a muppet. He's REALLY immature. Maisy is crying because Aden said she had a spot. Spotgate! LOL. Get a grip, Maisy. Was that Aden 'putting the moves' on Maisy. yeah she's going to be in bed with him before you know it with chat up lines like that.

Rebeckah is thrilled that Maisy is upset. Ha, Maisy fancies him, says Rebeckah. She can't fucking stand him.

Harry and Jay's clothes swap was quite funny, I would have liked to have seen that in the Diary Room.

How does Maisy get her hair like that? I want her hair. If we had live feed we could unravel this mystery.Is the camera zooming in on Maisy like that so we can see her spots?

She looked like she was going to laugh when Aden started blubbing. Then she looked like she was going to fall asleep. I think she's pissed. I think they're both pissed.

Aden doesn't care about Rebeckah's past? That's big of him. Was she asking for his approval? God, he's making such a dick of himself.

What's got up Faye's nose? I can't STAND her. Talk about flying off the handle for no reason. I like Tom! Aw to Alex counselling him. Fight! Fight! Fight! How much have they had to drink? Heaven is being stupid. OMG Rebeckah you're NOT A COUNSELLOR! STOP SAYING IT! You give Samaritans a bad name.

On an unrelated note, see you at the end of the weekend. Vote to save Rebeckah! Do it on FB, it's only 7p. Miss you.

The X Factor USA

How shall I start this blog? With a glib comment about how Cheryl's probably watching Watchdog instead? With a comment about Simon's frozen mush? Or with a statement about what my cats have been up to today? All this and MORE!

I kind of missed Simon's'this is the best/worst thing I've ever seen this season/ in my life/ since last week' bullshit.

Ah, there's Steve Jones. Pretending not to have a Welsh accent. I hope he can pretend not to be a massive prick, also. But I wouldn't bet on it. Why is he in that truck?

Who is LA Reid? I prefer Alex Reid. I also prefer Randy, if we're picking between black bald talent show judges with glasses. Joining them for the LA auditions is Cheryl Cole. Yes, she's just popping by. Coo-ee!

Oh they're doing the live auditions ala BGT. I hate live auditions. I prefer the private thrills.

Steve Jones is bellowing in an accent that is not his own. No sign of him since the truck times, though.

You get five million dollars for winning this show? I can't stand children on these sorts of shows usually but that first girl was REALLY good. Aw, look at Chezza, all wide eyed. They let her down, you know. I can't stand her, but she's still worth 150 Scherzingers.

Paula is looking a bit 'slidey faced'. She doesn't appear drunk - yet. Why does Simon have to have one special little friend at a time? It's a bit childish, isn't it. I don't like the way he's alienating Cheryl. It's hurtful and pathetic. Let's be honest, he's a bit emotionally retarded, isn't he? And look at what he did to Louis! Never forget (as Gary well knows).

I like this effeminate character. Has he got painted clothes on? I like this old couple, too, they're mental.

Steve Jones. Where are you? LA Reid has said absolutely nothing of interest. Who IS he?

LOL to 'it was like you were singing, and she swallowed poison.' Tulisa doesn't come out with that sort of shit. A note on the UK X Factor: I've stopped watching it. Kelly Rowland is one percent less entertaining than a balloon with a smiley face painted on it. Tulisa doesn't even have the attitude we were promised, she's just dull. And I could see Gary Barlow doing the voiceover for Dignitas adverts, should the clinics ever take off in the UK. Just imagine him now, saying 'The place to go to die peacefully.' I'd go.

I've seen Katy Perry sing Firework worse that that blonde girl did.

Ah, Cheryl's sitting by Simon today. Does she get to wear a special badge or something? The X Factor panel is like a Super Sweet 16 party, except it's Super Sweet nearly 60s.

I like the obnoxious girl in the red hotpants. The quality of auditions have been quite good so far. Simon trying to browbeat LA Reid into changing his opinion about her. Doesn't he want judges to have differing opinions? This alleged 'chemistry' between him and Simon is nowhere to be seen.

That downtrodden woman was good, but she was a bit out of tune in parts. That's twice LA Reid has said about the hair standing up on the back of his neck. Is that the new 'proper little popstar' or 'you have the likeability factor'?

And then Cheryl was gone, replaced by that useless nicey-nicey but rip-off-the-mask and she's festering underneath Nicole I-am-31-honestly Scherzinger. If she ever had an interesting point to make I'd get such a shock, I'd probably jump in the ocean. Any single member of Girls Aloud would have been better. Yeah, even Nadine, with THAT accent.

I like the fact one audition actually made Paula throw up. Is that water in your bottle, Paula? I still don't know what that guy did cos I wasn't paying attention.

On the UK X Factor if you say 'I watch children' you'd get arrested.

What did you get for your birthday, Nicole? Was it to trample on someone else's dreams and steal their job? Heartless waxy old witch.

Band: 'The Answer'. Is that like 'The Reason'? If they are the answer, what's the question? I think it's 'Are they as good as Jedward?' and we KNOW the answer. Got her lipstick on, dadadadada.

Oh, btw, I finally saw Steve Jones about 59 minutes in. He has none of the warmth and craggy charm of Dermot and his rollnecks. He's like a Just For Men advert come to life.

I like this guy who's 70 days clean out of rehab. Wait until they get him singing Unchained Melody instead of his own song. The auditions have been much better than ours. Mind you, they have a much bigger pool of talent to choose from.

LA Reid likes it! He reminds me of someone but I haven't worked out who yet. I bet the hairs on the back of his neck are standing up now. Coldplay! This is your cue to cry. Aw, that was cute. They got me! Lucky he was good, hey? Otherwise, that could have been some serious car crash TV.

US Xfactory (thanks for that one, Moz) verdict? So far, much better than ours. But not as good as The Voice. Stalemate!

Big Brother 2011 - I know exactly which cake I'm going for

How's your day been? I started mine by crashing my car. I'd like to say it got better; it didn't. Perhaps BB can cheer me up? This yes/no game looks like it might have potential.

I liked Alex going 'I know exactly which cake I'm going for'. My kinda girl.

Harry's 'I voted for her twice' is one of the best lines in Big Brother this series. The po faces! Can't they take a joke?

Jay has got tattoos on his KNEES! Ouchy.

What is Faye upset about? Is it because she's a boring bastard? Alex's spray tan task was quite funny. I like Alex! I think she'll like being orange. I've seen people look more orange in Heat magazine. I love Harry laughing at it. I like Harry loads these days! If only he wasn't a bloodthirsty toff.

My cat just unplugged the telly. Thanks!

Aaron, I don't think your little boy is going to want a manky old cake you've frozen. Don't get excited about it. Christ, if Jedward were in there you'd have something to complain about. Why aren't BB showing us the instigators? Oh, it was Maisy. Cakegate! I don't think Aaron is accepting this apology. I don't think Maisy could give a shit, to be honest. Why is she groping her own bosoms? There's not much there to speak of. I do like her hair, though. I wonder how she gets it like that.

I love the fact they gave Anton a bright orange electric shock task outfit. What? I hear you ask, they're wheeling out that old electric shock task again? Yes. Yes, they are.

I've realised who Maisy reminds me of. She's just Peaches "spoilt shit" Geldof, isn't she? Like we needed another one!

Oh, I've gone off Harry now he didn't do that task. Cop out! Foxhunting scum. Not risking your reputation? You're on Big Brother, you knob! Punish him!

Why did Rebeckah choose Mark for that task? She should have chosen Harry as it would have been more realistic after he said no. I liked it when she said 'oops' and did an evil cackle. She's brilliantly bad.

Aaron: 'he's in there and he's wearing mainly orange.' Mmm, who could that be? I'd much rather see Aaron get with Louise than Faye.

When is BB going to fix it for Rebeckah to stay? They cannot afford to lose her now! Sort it aht.

Big Brother 2011 - Who's gonna lie when there's a house full of cameras?

Chicks before dicks! OMG I take it all back. I bet in an earlier blog we'd hear 'bros before hos' now I'm hearing chicks before dicks! To all men: I apologise. I've never even HEARD of the phrase 'chicks before dicks'. Sexist in BOTH directions! Genius.

Rebeckah, you DID say Heaven was eating the biscuits. Rebeckah was the FIRST to eat a biscuit. You're taking the mick. Having said that I can't believe we're still talking about biscuits a week later. Is this what my life is for?

Come on, Jay, call Rebeckah out! Come on! 'I can't remember.' What a cop out. She's got them well trained, hasn't she? Rebeckah is lying to Jay's FACE. I respect him for covering for her in a way, but she is a disgrace to put him in that position. OK, I'm fed up with this, now. Next!

The only person putting you in a viscous cycle of bad men is YOURSELF, Rebeckah. I can't stand women who are like 'all men are bastards' or 'I like bad boys'. With that attitude you get everything you deserve, you really do.

She loves Aden, now? Oh come, come. Get a grip. Ah, I've just twigged, it's NOMINATIONS today! No wonder they're doing a quick patch-up job. Bet you a MILLION QUID Heaven and Rebeckah still nominate each other after making up. A million!

Everything's bless, yeah? Yeah. It's all good.

Nom noms! It's so easy for everyone to nominate Heaven and Rebeckah this week. They got a big target on their back! LOL to Aden nominating Tom for having a go at Rebeckah. My hero.

Bad energy in that DR today. They get through these nominations quick, don't they. Anton's noms are so contrived! Contrived, contrived, contrived. Who's more contrived out of Anton and Mark? It's hard to say, they are both acting their little socks off.

Faye is getting on my nerves! I don't like nominating! I don't like this! I don't like that! Piss off, then, dullard.

Maisy is getting a few votes! I've not really seen much of Maisy, so can't get the measure of her. I'm fairly sure she's a dick, though.

Heaven didn't nominate Rebeckah! You got played, m'dear. Jay isn't the instigator, there. Nice work, Rebeckah.

OMG Maisy is nearly up! Yay, I'd like to see Maisy go. I don't want Heaven or Rebeckah to go now, really. Not this week.

Bless Jay, he's quite an innocent thing, really. Maisy's nominations completely at odds with the rest of the house, I love it.

Rebeckah nominating Jay for 'causing trouble'. Hilarious. Oh, Rebeckah, please watch the tapes when you get out and realise why you got the worst booing in Big Brother history, because it's going to happen. You need to take a good hard look at yourself, and get some therapy fast.

Ha, Rebeckah is no fool, she still nominated Heaven. Perfect!

Heaven vs Rebeckah! This is going to be a good one. Aaron received NO nominations this week? He turned that round pretty well. Anton received no nominations?! WHY!? Describing women as 'loose' or 'respectful'- what a highly DISRESPECTFUL categorisation, if I may say so.

I didn't like Faye and Tom teasing Aaron. Go back to Louise again! Why is Faye digging him out? He wasn't even interested in her a few days ago.

LOL check out the body language when Faye asked Aaron if he was bi! His leg started going like the fucking clappers! 'Never say never' equals 'I'm bi.' In fact bi's are generally quite straight up, I'm calling closet case.

I think a woman being bi and a man being bi is a bit different, as a man has to make more of a commitment to be bi, plus socially it's less 'acceptable' and you MUST BE GAY (oh hold on, I just made that generalisation!). It's quite easy for a woman to to snog another woman with no feelings involved and no eyebrows raised. Either way, I'd rather see Aaron and Tom in bed than Aaron and Faye, so get on with it.

I wouldn't say you're unpopular, Rebeckah, but if Hitler was on the block with you, I still couldn't call the eviction percentages. She's got a defence mechanism in place of a personality.

LOL to Harry calling Heaven's nominations 'idiotic'. Er, Heaven, you're not meant to tell people who you nominated.

I really want Heaven to go over Rebeckah as literally half my blog will disappear is Rebeckah's not in there (and 80% of my titles). Save Rebeckah! Can you really be bothered to vote to save Heaven? Come on, let's stick it to her and her positive energy! Let the evilness remain!

Documentary: Becoming Chaz

I was really interested in this documentary, about Chaz Bono, Cher's former daughter, now her son after a sex change. I think being born in the wrong body must be one of the most traumatic things that anyone could ever go through. Everything 'normal people' take for granted has to be earned or battled for.

OMG their cats have no hair. Cats with no hair are frightening. Why is that cat's skin all saggy. Oh god, no. That's not right. Transgender issues I can cope with, but not naked cats. I like their chihuahuas, though.

In other news, Chaz's girlfriend looks very petite and pretty, which I'm sure will be a shock to some. So they started going out when he was still Chastity. That is quite a big thing for a relationship to go thtough, I'm not sure I could hack it. But who knows until that situation arose?

Chaz doesn't look a thing like Sonny or Cher, as far as I can see. Was he adopted?

It was interesting seeing the chronological photos. It's weird enough just seeing your old hairstyles and fashion disasters, imagine seeing yourself go from one sex to the other over the years.

Chaz's grandma looks like Audrey Roberts. She has the EXACT same hair.

I'm not sure Cher is too happy with this transition. Mind you, it's hard to tell with her face. She could be thrilled, we'd never really know, would we? One thing's for certain, she's never in the same room with Chaz at any point. And she didn't pay for the surgery, his sponsor (whatever that is) did. Oh, and she's still calling him 'she'. I think that's OK for a period of time (it must be hard for parents to adjust) but after a few months it becomes a matter of respect to use the new pronoun. Why is Cher worried about the publicity? It's not like people don't know. Everyone knows!

Stop calling him SHE! God, if she can't get it right, it doesn't set a good example to pig-ignorant far-right Americans who hate anyway. I think that's really important.

I did feel sorry for Cher when she said she'd miss hearing Chastity's voice. It is like a small death for a parent and you do need to grieve, I guess. It's a death of a type of dream, I suppose. But Chaz is still there! He is still the same person inside. I don't think my mum could hack it, either. It kind of is a generational thing, too. But is that an excuse? Is a generation gap an excuse for bigoted behaviour?

I understand why Jenny his partner is upset, anyway. Five years is a long time to go out with someone and to have them become more aggressive and change personality must be hard. The gain for them is a cost for you. Also, you have to change your sexual identity if you're a lesbian and your partner becomes a man. It's a lot to ask of anyone. It's a true test of love.

At least Cher did make a bit of an effort on Letterman. I do feel for her. I mean, parents get bent out of shape about shit like not having grandkids. If their expectations are for you to be a certain way, that's their beef, but you have to understand a little bit.

I liked Cher's little analogy that if she woke up in a man's body tomorrow she'd be like 'get me out of here'. Not sure I like her gold snakeskin jacket, though. Call PETA!

Big Brother 2011 - You deserve a man who stalks you

Wow, they're finally onto Rebeckah! Took them long enough. These idiots would probably keep Mugabe in the house if he made a decent cup of coffee.

Rebeckah: 'I believe in tarot, I believe in voodoo.' Wow, you're thicker than I thought. I actually gave her a bit more credit than that.

Just had to have some tell off times with my cat who is clinging precariously onto my handbag on the back of the door. Honestly, it's like a full time job looking after kittens. How do people have babies? WHY?

Heaven's coded conversation and Aden going 'I think I get what you're trying to say.' No flies on him, are there? Which branch of Mensa is he with again?

Jay's ideas for a task were great. He's a very base individual indeed. He's just grunting round for his next sandwich or shag. I don't know why he even bothers with vocabulary or haircuts.

The Big Brother voice that was talking to Faye sounded like some cockney sparrow. I liked Faye's tactics for dissing people, she set it up quite intelligently. Although I don't think 'that's really put me off you' is really a diss. 'You fucking dickhead' was more like it. She should have switched it up a bit more.

Faye likes Jay! I thought she liked Aaron. Jay stuck a cucumber up someone's fanny. How could you get one up there?! I don't want to go down this thought path any longer. Turn back before it's too late!

Oh, Faye, take Jay on the date, he's starving, FFS. I don't like her personality. I just can't warm to her, she's quite dour and humourless.

Ironic that she didn't choose Jay because he fancies Louise, because Aaron fancies Louise even more. Mind you, even I fancy Louise.

I'd believe that Aaron was going to dress up stupid for the date if they hadn't already shown him on the date looking OK. Faye's put her make-up on with a shovel. I can't decide which bit is more horrendous between the two-tone eyeshadow and the drawn on eyebrows.

At least Aaron can prove he likes laydeez now, and not cock. But we know he likes cock, really!

Imagine someone on a date going 'do you want me to pretend to be Louise for a bit?'

Aaron: 'she's the world.' What a cheesy motherfucker. He was mooning over Louise yesterday and Tom the day before. Mr Fickle!

Listen to the way Jay talks about women: 'Wants looking after... sweet and innocent... marriage material.' Madonna/ whore complex much? The way Anton talks about women is as if they're sub-human. but at least you kn

I didn't even notice at the time how much Rebeckah shitstirred that 'Heaven's eating everything' row. It was her that instigated eating the biscuits!

LOL to Aden dropping Heaven in it. Rebeckah: 'I won't bring it up.' How long before she brings it up? Also, Aden was quite encouraging when Heaven said that to him.

BEDGATE. It's gonna kick off. 'I don't want any negative vibrations.' followed by 'Are you fucking crackers?' is my favourite bit of dialogue in BB so far. I have to say I would have dealt with that situation in exactly the same way Rebeckah did, just come out all guns blazing. You can see how much Tom hates Rebeckah now. She's making his skin crawl. Aden getting involved is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Put him back in front of his Xbox with a rusk.

I can't stand Rebeckah OR Heaven. I'd stab the pair of them to death within a week.It's like picking sides between Margaret Thatcher and Fiona Phillips.

It's not 'bullying', Rebeckah. You are an emotionally abusive cuntrag, though. This fight would have been good to watch on the live feed! More swearing please.

I like Tom's accent now, and his dry way of getting involved. He's growing on me more and more.

It's deffo going to be Rebeckah vs Heaven this week. I can't wait!

Big Brother 2011 - They mightn't be giants

Tell off times! They've been gathered on the sofa for a damn good telling off. Mattress abuse will not be stood for. Respect the mattress at all times. It's in the rule book.

If I was in there I wouldn't really care less about having no hot water or no hairdryers. Even no alcohol I could deal with for a couple of weeks. Ah, I see. It's just an excuse to show people naked in the shower.

Heaven is on planet bullshit merchant talking about giants from other planets. Harry: 'did you get this from Waterstones or a more specialist shop?'

Popcorn chicken! Did I get the joke? I get bored of popcorn after a couple of fistfuls. I think this is an endurance task but I can't really tell as they don't explain it properly.

This is quite a dull highlights episode. My cat chewing and kicking the shit out of the rolled-up rug is more entertaining.

What do they win if they pass this task? As usual we don't know, so we can't invest in it. Well done Big Brother!

Seems like they're constantly asleep in that house. No wonder BB isn't giving us live feed.

All these pranks and trashing the house is all quite juvenile. It's entertaining to a point but there's way to much of it and I feel it's to detriment of any intellectual conversation that might be happening in the house (!) You and I both know it will all end in tears.

My cat has torn a whole in the bottom of the sofa and is now thudding around inside it. Stick a camera in there, it'll probably be better value.

I'm glad Heaven is onto Rebeckah. I'd like to see a Heaven vs Rebeckah eviction. This task is gross. They're allowed toilet breaks? Rubbish. Make 'em suffer.

Harry won immunity. I don't think he would have been up this week anyway. What a boring eposide! My boyfriend just said 'what on earth did you find to write about?' My cats, mainly.

Big Brother 2011 - At what point can you see my testicles when I bend over?

What self-respecting contact lens wearer needs to look in the mirror to put them in? You do that the first week. After that, you sort of work out where your eye is.If you haven't, I wouldn't go claiming to have a supersized IQ.

Have these housemates never heard of bisexuals? My boyfriend on Aaron's internalised homophobia: 'If you play with those things, you have to be prepared to get dirt on your hands.' And my boyfriend knows about these things!

He's right, though, you can't really go to bed cuddling a guy on TV and then complain when people question your sexuality. And Aaron comparing cuddling Tom to cuddling his kid is a mildly disturbing red herring. This is going to become interesting. Aaron is becoming a must-watch character. Him and Rebeckah could pretty much keep the show afloat on their own on their almighty neurosis boat.

Alex and Aaron's discussion on music was hilarious. That was a quality five minutes of TV. Brilliantly baffling. 'What is N Dubz?'

I like Alex! I like her car crash make-up, and her personality. She's just rough and ready. She's my pick to win, but realistically, I think Jay will.

Why is Mark always so crass? I actually find him quite creepy. He's probably going to touch someone up inappropriately sooner or later. You heard it here first.

Why are they playing Scott and Charlene's wedding song? Showing your age there, Big Brother.

So if you have a sulk in there nowadays, Big Brother gives you a photo of your baby? Sounded like they were counselling him in there! I remember the days when Big Brother was impartial and authoritative. THIS COUNTRY HAS GONE TO THE DOGS. Pull yourself together, Aaron, you big sap. And Big Brother, pull your socks up.

How come they've still got access to Pammy's room? Honestly, they're living the life of Riley in there. I'm surprised they don't send in prostitutes carrying profiteroles and pizza for them.

Heaven and Tashie's positive energy rain dance was fabulous. That's where positive energy gets you. Very disappointed. You're better off listening to Morrissey and staring out the window.

Oh no, they're playing Adele over Tashie's eviction. We can only take so much. Fetch the razorblades.

OMG Rebeckah, fuck you. It's not Harry's fault Tashie got evicted, it's Tashie and her non-stop positive energy, card shop cliche BS. Rebeckah is a disgrace to humanity, she really is. She's a viscous, nasty, mealy-mouthed piece of shit and I don't say that lightly. She's so awful, I kind of wanted to like and defend her, but I can't justify it. I can't believe how much leeway the other housemates give her in that house. Kudos to Tom for telling her to STFU.

Anton digging Tashie out when her grave isn't even cold. Nasty man. WTF is this music they're playing in the house. OMG I feel SO OLD.

Aden's rap was the lols. I used to hate Tom but he's growing on me a bit. He seems quite reasoned at times. Mark is 100% playing for the cameras fake, and I've got no time for it. Aden is just like a desperate little puppy. He's going to look back on his time in the house and die of shame.

What's with Faye and Aaron? I don't like her. I've seen no signs of life. Plus he loves Louise. She's proper pissed - that's going to be embarrassing in the morning.

I like the fact there's no Carol/Vinnie Jones in there insisting on putting the lights out and telling them all off. LOL to them lobbing the mattress in the swimming pool. Eat that, Jedward.

Big Brother 2011 - You're not the one for me, Tashie

So will Tashie go tonight? Or will the vote to save pay off?

I never knew what those bits on top of the toaster were for, either. Is that what a private school education gets you?

Can't Harry get those gnashers sorted out with some of his milkshake spoils? Imagine them looming up at you for a snog. Have you seen that film Teeth?

Shopping list: 100 cans of lager and 100 cans of cider. That's the way to do it!

Aaron pining over Louise is fairly boring. She's not biting!

Tashie's boyfriend looks quite normal. Strange.

I'm not surprised no one noticed Alex walking round because no one even speaks to her. I'm just agog someone really did borrow her lipstick, even I wouldn't touch that colour (alright, I would). She's not stupid though; pretending to look for something is a good ruse.

Heaven biscuit gate! Stop scoffing! Check her bed for crumbs. Faye: 'we think you're a nice person but we don't want you to start making enemies in the house.' Veiled threat much? I don't like Faye. She's got nothing going for her except that body, she's a personality dearth. Woman cannot trade on body alone.

Heaven is being a nutter. Odd one out? You'd have to be completely sane to be the odd one out in that place. Rebeckah giving advice on how to come across. It's like getting PR advice from Rose West. No, worse, Heather Mills.

I like Aaron's dissing of Rebeckah. She's just an opinion in place of a personality.

My God. Have they never seen two boys kiss before? I've never heard such a ruckus. They should go down Popstarz, get a real shock.

LOL Tashie looked so shocked to be going. How could the public not LOVE her? She's such a GENUINE person! It's a shame really, as she definitely had a lot more mileage in her. I'd have much rather seen Heaven go this week. I'm not sure Tashie is going to be able to cope with the rejection. Quick, Tashie, call Samaritans, but do it whilst Rebeckah is still in the house, just in case you get her on the phone.

Shit this blog is more threadbare than Faye's personality, so I'd better post this and the eviction interview together. That's interesting, they weren't having two shows for eviction on the celeb version.

Time passes. I do not watch The Batchelor. I feed the cats. I watch a bit of Claire Richards: Slave to Food (note: that Steps reuinion show looks like it could be worth a blog). I like her body. I don't think she looks bad. This obsession with her having to look a certain way is subjugating. She's pretty and cute and fine as she is. Imagine this show but with a man in it, instead of her. Unthinkable. I make another vodka. And we're back!

Am I starting to like Aaron? That can't be right. Oh well, the arrogance of being saved from eviction will put pay to that. Louise has got THAT hat on again.

Ta-ra Tashie. First out. You know who Maisy reminds me of? That Emily idiot who thought it was a good idea to use the N word in the house. But without liking indie music.

Aw, poor Tashie. How could you keep booing when she looks so sad? I like her glittery shoes. Her figure looks good, too. At least being brainless means you can spend a lot of time at the gym without getting bored and wanting to go do something intellectual instead (the best excuse EVER for being fat, I think you'll agree).

Does Brian go 'it's all panto' like Davina used to or has he got his own little spiel? I want to make a comment about Tashie's nose, but you can't help what your nose looks like. Except she had a nose job. Bullying... dodgy nose jobs... it's like Jodie Marsh all over again.

Did Aaron snog Tom to stay in? That didn't get my vote.

Tashie telling us what we'll see in the edit tomorrow. You don't control the edit! You can barely control your own thought pattern.

Where did your 'positive energy' get you tonight, Tashie? A seat next to Nikki Grahame/ Victor/ Pete burns on BOTS.

'I wasn't in the house long enough for you to see all my Disney characters.' That was one close shave.

I hope Tashie watches the whole show back and thinks 'how embarrassing' because it will help her become a more well-rounded person. That was a bit mean saying they didn't give Pammy her number.

it's not romantic for your boyfriend to say 'if you fall in love with someone in the house, I'll be happy for you'. It means he's trying to bin you.

The biggest gain tonight is the hit to Maisy's group of harridans.

LOL they are doing a parting message, like in BBUSA, but in BBUSA the parting message is from the other housemates to the evicted one, saying FU.

Mark will NEVER win this show. NEVER! God, this message is interminable. Next time, just send a postcard to PO Box I-don't-give-a-fuck. Night night!

Big Brother 2011 - I know that from flipping Krispy Kremes

Sorry I'm late, I've been trekking across London tonight. Fuck London, man. I hate you, London. I nearly murdered someone on the tube, I'm so out of practice, my patience-o-meter was at zero. I want Big Brother and kitten times. The outside world is not for me.

Oh, Rebeckah, your cruelty is unbecoming. That hug shows it will be bros before hos all the way, and don't think they wont utter those fateful words at some point.

Mark's lettuce/cucumber/knobbing story is so contrived. It's like he's got them all written on a card along with the dates he's going to scratch them off.

Haha, Rebeckah has got Aden apologising to her! That girl has got some game. 'I'm doing it as much for you'. She's a piece of work! Nice boxer shorts, Aden. He's got the whole package, hasn't he?

Is Aaron cooking up a showmance with Louise? Rebeckah accusing Aaron of 'winding all the girls up'. Hilarious! 'I think Mark's going to win'- shows how out of touch they are.

Rebeckah; working for Samaritans does not make you a counsellor. Samaritans listen. They don't give advice and they definitely don't judge. She scares me. She's a reputational risk!

I'm surprised the other girls aren't judging Rebeckah more. Maybe they are and they're cutting it out. I think Rebeckah might be madder than Bea. Madder than Bea! Who'd have thought it possible?

I thought Carpe Diem might be 'that's life' as well. But my education didn't cost as much as Harry's.

Jay struggling to name is own country's Prime Minister. Doesn't it make you proud?

It's not really that that bad getting gunged when you have a swimming cap and goggles on.

I know who wrote Bleak House. I got that right on Pointless the other day cos I had to read it at school. I can't remember a word of it, but if you forced me at knifepoint, I bet I could remember at least 10 Big Brother contestants name's from each series. What does that tell you?

Tidy up tell-off times. I wish Harry wasn't so grotesque to look at. I'm sure I'd be more forgiving about the animal cruelty. I'm definitely worried that the 'brains' are going to get voted out early and we're going to be left with Heaven, Tashie and Anton braying at each other.

I think Aden is trying to have sex with you, Rebeckah. You're just not letting him.

Jay fancies Louise! I don't think the feeling is mutual. The way Jay talks about women is as if they're subhuman. Mind you, he's not much evolved from Mr Potato Head himself.

I don't get this thing about the beds. But it's been a long day. I'm off to Nod. G'night.

Big Brother 2011 - Is it?

I'm a bit pissed off cos I watched Bit On the Side last night and now I know who's up for nomination. Spoilerised myself good. Won't do that again.

Are they waking up to Fool's Gold? Well, makes a change from The Saturdays.

Look at Louise flossing her teeth. Do you know ANYONE who regularly flosses their teeth? I can barely be fucked to brush mine. But that's English people for you. It's not just me, is it? Shit.

Do you want to look at my knob? No, not really. This conversation is super weird. Is that what men talk about in the showers? Makes me pine for Jedward in the bath.

You can say 'describing words'. And I'm a writer, so that will be the last word on the matter.

Why is Anton so thick when he went to private school? What did he learn there exactly? His mum should ask for her money back. Name and shame the school!

It's weird that the three most irritating people are immune from eviction but good for the show.

Aden 'when I lost my cape Tom wasn't there and it hurt my feelings.' Fucking hell, man. Think about what you just said. What a sad sack.

What DOES Alex do? Doesn't she work in McDonalds? Anton: 'this is not fakeality TV.' Wanna bet? You've been practicing that soundbite since before your auditions, I suspect. Anton nominating the other men. Did he not learn the difference between 'wary' and 'weary' at private school?

Faye looks dowdy today. I've not seen much of her personality yet. I hope she's got one.

Yay to Jay nominating Harry for hunting. Eat what you kill! Eat.Kill. Eat. Kill. Murder! (tm. Moz)

I think I hate the Wolfpack and like Louise and Aaron and that side. Even though I don't really like them, I don't want them to be taken out by the inane side. Support your local underdog.

Mark is getting a couple of nominations. People are seeing through his Mr Bean act a bit. I liked his nomination of Anton for eating a boiled egg, though. His other nomination seemed contrived.

Even though I agreed with Rebeckah's nomination of Harry, the way she did it was so annoying. And how can Aaron make you feel like a piece of shit? Just fuck him off. It's all your shit, Rebeckah, no one else's. She's got more baggage than a handbag museum.

Tashie: 'Harry's comments have made me feel uncomfortable about being a woman.' Christ!

I'm glad Harry got nominated for foxhunting, though, serves him right. But you can't even foxhunt no more! I do think it was a bit of a cop out vote, though. I like Aaron as a character. I don't want him to go. I'm glad Alex isn't up but I wish Anton was up.

Fish finger gate! Tashie is such a drama queen! I wish she'd get a grip. I kind of want her to leave this week, but she is entertaining, so it's a quandary. I'm not sure I can stick her in the long term, though. I'm not really sure what Heaven did to her (nothing, I suspect). I don't think she did anything. I can see why Tashie got bullied at school. You don't have to answer to anyone, you idiot! Stop being such a prick!

Aw, Tom's granddad died. That sucks. I'm glad they didn't show him getting told, that would have been too exploitative. I'm glad they let him speak to his mum and dad, too. What, he can go funeral?! Not sure about that. I don't think that should be allowed, that could change the game completely. He should walk if he wants to do that. Of course, the flexi rules on contact with the outside world leave them wide open to that sort of stuff. In the old days it would have mattered because people could tell him who's favourite. But I suppose, who really cares anymore? It shouldn't be that way, though. Heaven's over the top crying was really ridiculous. It's not your bereavement, love.

Rebeckah: 'you've gone weird' to Aden, she says, going weird. She has no interest in Mark whatsoever, she's just playing him and Aden. It's working a treat, though.

Ha, Tashie actually looked shocked she was up for eviction. How could she look shocked, the way she goes on? LOL to her proper blubbing. She's lucky it's not a vote to evict or she'd be Jedward's toast tower.

Tashie is going to think of it like everyone voted for everyone. Yeah, everyone voted for everyone, but you got more than everyone else. That's how it works.

Tashie can see herself unpacking. Let's make that fantasy die! Yes, the moon is crying for you, Tashie. It's crying because someone like you actually exists. Fucking hell, does she ever put a sock in it?

Rebeckah's antics are so transparent, it's barely worth talking about. My fingers can't be bothered to rise to it!

I always thought I'd like the vote to save, but it's not been good so far. Look, if you can afford it (it's 7p on facebook, ffs, you aint that poor), just vote to save Harry and Aaron, and it's like voting to evict Tashie. I know it's a bit galling having to vote for a foxhunter, but I think if the 'wolfpack' alliance really takes hold, we're in for a hellish summer. Summer! LOL.

Big Brother 2011 - Cuddles denied.

Is Pamela still in there? Anyone know how much she got paid? I wanna know!
Rebeckah needs some therapy. It said on OKTV she's a Samaritan. I'm not sure I'd want her talking me down off the ledge. She is mixed messages and then some.
Too many 'A' names in this house. So they've invented a gang called 'the wolfpack'. That's what Patrick Wolf fans are called. I don't think there are any Patrick Wolf fans in that house. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't see the Magic Position playing as they exit stage left across the Big Brother eye. Much less The Childcatcher. But I digress.
This episode has been quite juvenile and boring so far. I don't like the male/female divide in the house, either. 'Maisy gets sarcasm and dry humour' - well, hold the fucking front page! Girls understand fings!
Does Rebeckah's children's dance school 'even things out'? It doesn't even out her psychotic tenancies, does it? I can see the hysterical Daily Mail headline now; 'Big Brother stripper teaches kids to pole dance'.
Also, my mum's boyfriend read my blog again yesterday and complained about the swearing. To (sort of mis)quote Bright Eyes: 'I do not read the reviews. I am not singing for you.' This is my turf! Get off my land if you don't like it, Dave! :)
I'm glad Rebeckah got the swimsuit cos she's an interesting character and if she was up she'd be out faster that you could say girls-are-not-going-to-get-her-one-bit.
Aden was quite miffy-ied about the whole swimsuit carry-on, wasn't he. I suppose you would after you'd been wearing it for two days. I don't think I've ever seen such bad sportsmanship in that house. Normally people are 'I don't want to nominate' or 'I don't mind if I go' but people are clinging onto those swimsuits as if they were tickets to Sugar Hut (!) I think they realise that the odious quotient is super high in that house and when they are up for the chop they are all as likely to go as each other.
Sorry, I haven't written as much of this blog as I'd like because my cat decided to sit on my chest and almost smother me. I swear, he's tripled in size in the past two weeks.
What did I miss? Oh, Pamela is off. She did have a room after all. So they say. They could have knocked that up in a couple of hours.
Anton and Aaron both like BB being nasty. Remember that, Big Brother. Crack down on the pair of them.
Oh, Rebeckah. I want to defend you, but you're making it. very. difficult. She's actually quite cruel. I know what Dan Savage would say. If all your relationships have been a car crash, the one consistent factor in those relationships is YOU, not the other people. Think on, young lady.

Big Brother 2011 - Tonight we got to get on the floor

Why can't we see inside Pamela's suite? Because she's in a fucking hotel, that's why. And who can blame her? They're a bunch of absolute drongos. The men in particular are bringing new meaning to the word 'gorm'. And the women are all totally deluded. Except maybe Faye and Louise.
Why WOULD you shower with someone else? I don't even like showering on my own. I don't think I've even seen a single person talk to Alex yet.
Louise is really grumpy. This pseudo-feminist conversation is making my teeth itch, to quote Cruella off Dragon's Den.
I saw Pamela on OKTV talking about having appeared on Big Brother India and meeting such intelligent wordly people who'd travelled to so many different countries. Enjoy Elstree!
Tashie, Tashie, Tashie. She's like Makosi meets Shabnam meets Shabaz.
Maisy is like poor little rich girl, me, me, me. It's all about her, and she hasn't got that much to offer, except her horsey charms. She's obviously used to being top dog but in that house, she's not even top frog.
I like the way Pamela is in the house. She seems totally detached from it, like she's from a different planet, which I guess she is.
Tom's body! I mean, normally I like skinny men, but please. He's not only pigeon chested but pigeon-brained. He's like a little weasel.
There are so many different examples of ways to fry your hair with peroxide in that house. It's making me want to dye my hair red as an antidote.
I doubt Aden can even spell 'therapist'. I like Maisy's hair, actually. I don't find her as repulsive as I did the first night, except for her personality, obviously.
I think Anton is putting on that crap in the DR. He's not really like that. He CAN'T be. Can he?
Rebeckah having a go at Aaron for reminding her of her ex. That's like having a go at someone for what they do in a dream. Rebeckah is a psycho, but that makes her interesting. I don't think her opinion of men is going to be improved by the offerings in that house.
This party looks like hell on earth. Maisy is so OTT and entitled. She's worse than Harry, and he kills animals for the lols.
That Jennifer Lopez song is the stupidest thing ever. Bloody catchy, though. My cat loves it.
Rebeckah: 'your version of cheating and mine are very different.' I'm sure! She's literally judge, jury and executioner. What sort of impression does she think she's giving off? Mind you, she did miss his 'banged a lot of Welsh chicks' speech. I wonder what he'll say after he gets his own way with her?
Tom: would you want a bisexual dad? What difference does it make, you don't fuck your dad. His sex life is none of your biz. Tom doesn't 'know himself' TM.
Aaron's parenting class: 'you can't just leave a baby on the side.' My kitten got stuck in the bath yesterday, so I know how he feels.
Eww, Aden touching Rebecca's feet. If he touched my feet, I'd kick him in the face. Oh, the gold shorts, the glasses, the baseball cap. Aden is really bringing sexy back right now. Whatever happens in that bed, it can only end in disaster, misery, and possibly a murder. Bring it!

Big Brother 2011 - I'm at my sexual peak

If this is Heaven, book me a ticket to Hell. The last thing this bitch needs is an ego boost.
Gratuitous nakedness, welcome to Channel 5. Anton and Tashie are having a morning cliche battle. Tashie wins again, for a tiger never changes it's stripes (nearly) and a stranger is just a friend I haven't met. She's a gold-star bullshit merchant.
How dare Pamela Anderson have GOT OLD? Why can't she stay young forever, just like Jackie Stallone or Joan Rivers? Must be the wrong face cream, I guess. Pamela looked thrilled to be cornered by Tashie.
Anton is SUCH a massive prick. I hate his manner with people, he's such a freak. He's about as smooth as a sandpaper-covered cactus.
Anton: 'You've just got to wait for personality to come through.' How long do we have to wait?
Anton and Mark are both post-David Brent embarrassing. I think Anton has the potential to be the biggest house dickhead since Sezar, maybe even beating him. Mark seems so pathetic, it's hard to believe he isn't putting it on. Tashie is almost as bad.
Pamela is anti-chihuahua, methinks. She's sacking them off quick smart. I like Pamela's eyebrows. I think she looks great for 44.
Louise is too embarrassed to say 'farted' in front of Pamela. I like Maisy's eyebrows, too. I don't like her personality, though.
I think Mark thinks he's Pamela's boyfriend or something, he's looking all wounded puppy-like whenever she's not talking to him. At least Aden was a good sport about wearing the swimsuit.
Heaven: 'women are bitchy.' Self-hating on TV. Way to use a platform. Does Louise want to walk already? It's only Day 2! Mind you, who could really blame her? 'There aren't my type of people...' They barely even classify as people!
Anton is sooooo desperate. The way these blokes talk about and to the women is disgusting. It's like they're still behind the bike sheds.
Pamela looks so good in that glittery dress. I didn't expect to, but I like Jay, he seems genuine.
Pamela is getting fed up with Anton. She must be praying for Joe Swash's 'tommy tank' cockney charms right now.
Rebeckah is a deeply conflicted individual. I feel quite sorry for her as she seems to really hate herself. It seems a bit unfair to have her going through such a personal fuckery fest on TV, because the GBP (great British public TM Jeremy Kyle) will NOT understand, they will just stick the slag card on her like she wants them too.
OMG Tashie is driving me mad. I've got a quote for her: 'you say it best when you say nothing at all.' Her and Anton are top class. I've literally gone 'pfffffffffffffffffffftttt' and snorted with laughter about 20,000 times tonight. You can't say it's not entertaining. 'I'm going to have to take a moment to think about that.' Me too!
Aaron is a good character as well, because he clearly thinks he's a cut above it. You're not, kiddo. You're just an attention-seeking arrogant piss pot like all the others. 'This is a game... I'm not here to make friends' is the BIGGEST reality TV cliche OF ALL TIME. Behold.
This is better than the celebrity one already; it's like the fucking funny farm.

Big Brother 2011 - You just haven't Aden it yet baby

Why am I being forced to listen to the Saturdays on an almost constant loop? Recap recap recap. This is going to be going on for weeks. But now we get Pammy's view on matters.
LOL to Pamela going 'oh my god' and pulling a face when Alex came in.
Housemates - dont worry too much about people watching you in the house- they probably aren't.
Mark to Pamela; I used to think about you a lot when I was younger.' Then he said he used to masturbate over her when she was standing right next to him. How absolutely vile. I've seen monkey's with better social skills. He's going to literally say every thing that comes into his head and it could make for absolute car crash viewing.
So the first move to divide and conquer is the VIP area. Pamela picked out the gorgeous girls and that little shit Tom. Let the bitching commence. Don't think much to Pamela's choices of party mates.
'Pamela is a bit disappointing... is she about 60?' How cruel. At least she's done something with her life. Even if latterly it involved Joe Swash and a panto in Wimbledon.
I like the way every time a man sits talking to Rebeckah she looks like she's chewing on a shit sandwich. 'I don't like men.' 'What, you a lesbian?' LOL. She's making friends for life right here.
Is the golden swimsuit like the golden power of veto? Heaven is the last person I want to win immunity right now, bugging.
Things not to say to people on the first night of knowing them: 'I do watersports.' He seemed really stuck up about the whole thing! I like her honestly. But he didn't. As soon as someone said 'that's out there' to some kinky thing like that, I'd just think 'boring in bed.' At least she gave it a go! Anyone sneering at that, I just think, what, you never done something for someone else ever? Stepped outside of your comfort zone? What a boring life. NB. I have never done watersports, but on the kink scale, I'd put just after foot fetishists.
Did that Daily Star advert really just say 'the daily paper you can trust?' WOW.
Tashie is clearly a bit mentalz. I like the incongruity of her and Geordie dude.
I can't work out what went on during that conversation with Anton and Aden. Is Aden going out with a 49 year old?
I like those light up chairs. I would pick the bed furthest from the door.
This North/ South divide is hilarious. It's like two thickos showing their willies off. Aden, I thought you were meant to be intelligent. 'If you don't understand what I'm saying'- well, it's not exactly like struggling through a Will Self book, is it? I can get the idea for the basic grunts coming from you. And then he went on to brag about 'how many birds he's banged'. Oh, you've got a lot to learn, kiddo. Thank god I wasn't on TV at 19.
OMG 'she can also be your girlfriend for the right price'. No wonder she hates men.
No, she's definitely not here for the experience. She here for the money, money, money. Again, at least she's honest. I get the feeling Anton still wants a bit of her, but he's going to make her pay for it now, because she's a sexual woman, and of course that should be stamped out and destroyed.
Mark: 'I cry after I have wank.' I wonder what he does after he has sex, although I suspect that's never happened.
You know what bless means, yeah? YES I CAN WORK IT OUT, it's not like cracking the fucking Davinci Code. This is the second time in an episode I'm being patronised by a retard.
'Give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves' says Rebekah complaining about Maisy doing a handstand and 'attention seeking and cheapening herself'. That's Rebekah, the stripper at Spearmint Rhino. God, talk about all sisters together, hey? What a fucking hypocrite. if you're going to do that sort of work, you need to own it and be proud of it. Self-hating about it just leads to the external hate she's projecting. That whole Robin Hood BS is like some line she's reciting like a prayer. I would have thought her of all people would be standing up for the sisterhood. Or maybe she just hates everyone, including herself.
Aden is going to be TV gold. The level of idiocy pouring from his gob is almost unreal. Creepy, braggy, stupid, cliched... he's got it all under his hat. He looks and talks like he's about 14.
I think I might like Alex. I kind of feel sorry for her in there a bit. If she keeps her head down and her nose clean... could she win it? I've seen stranger things happen. I've seen that tree of smoke.

Big Brother 2011 - Please stop hunting

I admitted I wrote a Big Brother blog at work today! It's somewhere on the embarrassment scale between admitting you're a flasher or that you like Katy Perry. Think I got away with it, though.
Here we go again! It seems really weird having the 'normal' Big Brother right after the Celeb Big Brother. But then a lot of things are weird about Big Brother these days. I think I'd like all this 'social media/ digital age' flannel a lot easier to swallow if any of their social media was actually decent, but it's scraped up,badly spelt and irregular. No jokes about my blog, please.
What riff raff are they going to put in there with Joe Swash lover Pamela Anderson?
Disclaimer: first night opinions are subject to change.
Mark, this first bloke doesn't seem too annoying, which is weird, I was expecting someone horrific first in. I think he's going to be alright. Kind of cheeky chappy but not too irritating. Shades of Maxwell? Does 'I love animals' get you through the audition process lately? Crazy.
Maisy is next. She's got big hair but a bit ugly. The first old housemate she made me think of is Horseface Grace. That's not a good thing. Actually, she looks better in the flesh next to Brian. She's still coming off as a bit of a cock, though.
I like Mark going on about the 'bath shaped like an egg'. That's not such a weird thing for a bath to be shaped like. A bath shaped like a octopus might be something to shout about.
Do you think Pammy could really give a fuck about any of this shower of cunts?
Aaron seems like your common or garden dick. Looks like Peter Slouch. He aint no Rex!
These housemates are better than I thought they were going to be so far. Thought it was going to be a bunch of harpies. I mean, they're odious, but interesting. The worst thing is a bunch of vacuous housemates. I can cope with pricks.
I like Mark cuddling people and bothering them with petty problems as they walk in.
Heaven is a good name. I think she's going to be a character (ie. annoying). Never ill? Please get a cold. Or even just the sniffles.
I just tweeted 'Heaven must be missing an arsehole.' I should have saved that for a blog title! Muggins.
Tom looks like every curly haired little indie shit I've ever worked with. I don't like that accent. Bisexual! Oh no. 'They're even worse that the gays' t.m. my mum's boyfriend. He looks NOTHING like Mica except he has curly hair. Has he got underpants on? He's like Donny Tourette without the hit record. Oh...
Lizard times! Tashie likes quotes. I don't. She looks like Tulisa a bit. She's taking in a roll of cling film. Is she a drug dealer? Could come in useful.
Aden is quite cute. I like smart boys who talk a bit chavvy, there's something sexy in the incongruity. Plan C!
Mark; 'do you want a cuddle? Let's go.' I'd cling to him in the house, just because he's more socially awkward than me.
Alex. I recognise this old boot off Snog Marry Avoid. She's pretty rough. That is a LOT of make up she's got on. Brian checking his cards for her name, lol. Aw, she seemed quite sweet when she was talking to Brian.
I like Pamela Anderson, too. She's proper hardcore animal rights, remember that pciture of her and Moz with the turkey? OK, maybe that picture didn't exist but they deffo had dinner together. And she's mental, too.
Harry. Posho. I don't mind a bit of posh. It's not people's fault if they're born rich or poor. HUNTING? I take it back. Pamela might evict Harry if she gets the chance cos she's PETA poster girl and vegan.
Rebeckah. Yay, a man hating stripper. I like her toilet roll holder dress.
Anton. A posh gangster? He's going to chum up with Aden, I guess. Winning! He's the least interesting to me so far, and he's still reasonably interesting.
Poor Alex looks like Grotbags in a blonde wig. Christ, we must be nearly there now. I'm exhausted!
Faye seems alright. She has got a good body. I think my boyfriend might fancy her, not sure. Cameraman zooming in on her butt! Nice. Did someone just say 'you look lovely' and she went 'I know'?
Oh no, a Geordie. Could do without that. He's wearing one of those JLS 'deep V' T shirts. I think they should have stopped after Faye. The last thing we need is another Charlie doing it for his mum. 'Alreet' really gets on my wick, too.
Final contestant- Louise. Wow, she's beautiful. There's a lot of good looking girls in there this year! It's unfair that some people are blessed with those sort of genes, really, isn't it? She seems quite down to earth too. Christ, what's that hat she's got on? And that skirt! Mental. I'd be quite intimidated by her, she's really gorgeous. I wouldn't want to stand next to her in a humilitard (that's a reference for the two BBUSA viewers who read my blog).
Has Pamela Anderson got bruises all over her arm? My heart soared when she said 'please stop hunting' to Harry. Just brilliant, touching, heartfelt. I really like Pamela Anderson. She just seems really cool. She is looking a bit haggard now, but so she should, she's had years of hard living. Good on her.
Well, I have to say the contestants were a LOT better than I thought they were going to be. Maybe they can pull this off after all. Now if only we could properly enjoy it with live feed, as God intended. Mwah!
It's going to be a long... AUTUMN! No sunbathing for these chumps.

Celebrity Big Brother - Monozygotic for the people

How are they going to kick out seven people in two hours? Briefly, obviously. Kerry looks very nervous, she obviously thinks she's in with a shot. The difference is, in the jungle she was down to earth and without guile. Now she's calculating, contrived and washed-up. Still, the thicko public will still throw her a few pity votes.
The only way Bobby would win best housemate is via an eniminiminimo situation. His personality is a bit eniminiminimo, too.
Paddy seems so genuine in the DR. But I STILL don't fully buy it. I'd like him to come second, though. My ideal finish would be Jedward, Paddy, Amy, Bobby, Darryn, Kerry, Lucien, but really Amy, Bobby, Darryn and Lucien are fairly interchangeable on my scale of could-give-a-shit. They're all just whatevs. Hope the real show isn't going to have me feeling like that. I need someone to champion! Jedward don't feel like a housemate, really, they're more like a performance art project.
Seven is too many people to have in the final. I can't keep up my interest seven times. Bobby out first. Bobby should have been out long ago.
Oh, look at him all handsome at the top of the stairs. He could have been great. Lol to 'I just want to make you sweat' song. They should play that line 'I drank your sweat like it was wine' from the Bright Eyes song 'A poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction' (now that's a song title). It's a proper whinefest, too, so very appropriate.
Where do the scrape up those cretins to cheer in the studio?
Ooh, Brian calling Bobby out, that was brave to say people were '100% disgusted' with sweatgate, because that's not exactly true. I wasn't that fussed.
What is it with Bobby and Jedward? Get off their coattails! He didn't seem that taken about about sweatgate and was fairly unapologetic. Mind you, they didn't prime him to be contrite like they did with Jade over Shettygate. Sweatgate is hardly taking over the world with it's controversy. It was one sweaty cunt annoying another sweaty cunt. I can see that every night of the week on this show.
Please let it be Lucien next! I would die laughing. Jedward are done up like Scooch. I want to see Amy go soon, too.
Ah, it's Darryn, looking every inch the cuntatoo. Brian is doing good! Must be a head fuck for him hosting this live final. He's normally winning it!
I think Brian is more upset about sweatgate than Darryn. Darryn was all about keeping the house happy. Really? Didn't feel like it when Tara Reid was in there, you neon numpty.
Brian touched the abs! They looked squidgy. Vom. LOL, he owns part of the abs company. I wonder if Abs from Five is involved?
LOl Darryn actually thinks people think he's the man. He's doing to get a shock in a few days. Was sweatgate not in his best bits? Opportunity missed.
Amy gets no cheers or boos when her name is mentioned, just a wall of silence. Quite apt, really.
Everyone looks so nervous except Jedward. SO glad Lucien went before Amy. The nation has spoken. Get your coat. And why has he got a scarf on? LOL to them playing Womaniser. Good. Eat it! Do you know what, this show's not all bad. There's been a few well timed digs so far.
Jedward spitting on their fingers and smoothing each other's eyebrows. I could just die of happiness. Love like that, you and I can never understand it. That is love that comes from being born from one single egg. It's mind-blowing. I'm deadly serious. Twins are amazing.
My friend just texted to say 'Lucien needs to be brought to account, like the Hague enquiry.' Come on, Brian, don't let us down.
What has Laviscunt got to be worried about? Except his appalling behaviour, of course. Why is Brian pandering to him? Mad.
Oh Lucien, stop blaming Tara for voting for Darryn. You got your own mind, don't you? His fancying of Amy is just sheep-style as well. She's a 'pin up' so I must fancy her. Zzz.
Well at least we know who Lucien Laviscount is now. And we know he's a gigantic knob. (I wont) see you on Casualty.
Aw, Jedward are holding hands. I love them soooo much.
I like Amy's gold dress, she looks nice. I'd still like to see her fall down the stairs though. Is that wrong? How do you wash a dress made of metally stuff? Or do you just bin it?
I'm glad Amy didn't get booed. Why is Brian calling her 'love'? Amy looks like she's put her eyeliner on as lipliner by mistake. Why didn't Lucien and Kerry get together? Because of you, that's why! I like her hair colour. I want to go orange.
'This is Brian.' 'This is Jedward.' That doesn't get old, somehow. Jedward just got some booage! Noooo.
WTF!!! OMG Jedward are 3rd? You have got to be kidding me. WHAT?! Jedward MADE that show. Out before Katona and Paddy! WHY are they getting booed??? This is a fucking joke. They even did uncordinated poses coming out of the doors. It reminded me of X Factor. As Jedward came sliding down the banister...
This is really shocking. There's no way Jedward should be third. There was no show without Jedward! What have Kerry or Paddy DONE?!
Here's some things Jedward did: had a ridiculous bath. Made a toast tower. Ramraided Lidl. Gave Amy a wedgie. Here are some things Kerry and Paddy did:
Like literally everyone I know loves Jedward! I've understood about two sentences out of Paddy's mouth.
Brian going 'and that's not all...' like Dan Savage makes me lol. How come Jedward were getting such big cheers at the start and then boos at the end! Something is amiss!
I think when Jedward speak really fast, it's because they're a bit nervous.
Jedward: 'we're like an injection of ecstasy.' I want Jedward to inject me with ecstasy. And then fuck off, quick. I don't think they even realise ecstasy is a drug. They think Haribo is ecstasy.
I like Jedward with flat hair. I like that song that goes 'this place about to blow.' I bet you can get a wicked dance remix of it. Washing machines ahoy!
Jedward make me feel proper happy. The fact they didn't win is a NATIONAL DISGRACE. We should be ASHAMED it's worse than the riots!
Hope it's Paddy, not Kerry. But as she's OK's bitch, it's probably a fix.
Paddy! His joy at winning was great. Very glad it was him and not her! Bet his mammy is pleased. Kerry did look genuinely happy for him, too.
Kerry is having a hypo. She's proper shaking!
You can't put that much wrong, right, Kerry. What's going on with Kerry's hair? It looks crispy, like she's had some sort of sexual accident.
I guess God really was on Paddy's side. Either that or Danny Dyer's got a hell of a phone bill.
Paddy's happiness is quite touching. He thought Jedward was going to win? So did we!
I don't think Brian can understand a word Paddy is saying.
Brian: five million people are NOT watching this show.
Aw to Brian and Paddy both having a cry. Cute. Was nice seeing him cuddle his wife, you can tell they really love each other. 'I want a priest and a doctor' lol.
To sum up, I think my friend Dawn said it better than I ever could: 'So an ex junkie multi-ma and a mysogynistic law breaking pugilist are better than symbiotic, odd, gold-dust twins? Britain disgusts me!'
Oh, mammy. What does he win? I still don't know.
Pamela Anderson! Now she turns up. You're about three weeks too late, for fuck's sake. Weird.
Note for BB's 'social media' experiment: you're still not trending on Twitter. It's the final. Go figure. Bring back the live feed, you fucking idiots.
Does this REALLY start all over again tomorrow? To quote Katona, fuck a duck. Give me a day off, won't you. I've got a busy social life!*
*I haven't.

Celebrity Big Brother - The Dull Monty

Do Jedward have friends? Do they even like their own brother? Have they even kissed a girl? I want to know these things.
Kerry is 31. I am 31. Can I imagine having four kids? No. Would I get off with a 19 year old? If I was single I would. Why not?
To be fair, the only time Amy WAS all over Lucien was when she was pissed out of her head. If you sleep with a very drunk girl, the law says she can't consent and it's technically rape. So her snogging him when she was out of her tree, is hardly an indication of undying romance, just severely impaired judgement, which he was happy to take advantage of.
Is Kerry embarrassed of the things she's done in the house, or out of it? Hard to say. This is an Oscar winning performance here in the DR. You're going to have to kill Jedward first, kiddo. What's the prize on this show anyway? Another thing I don't know. I'll add it to the list.
Why is Jedward doing Big Brother's voice in a German accent? A dig at Lucien. Nice.
Paddy, stop hating on the Haribo and talking about your mummy.
I didn't pay attention to the task because I was looking at cat trees. Darryn bragging about the women he's allegedly bedded. Gross.
Jedward in hotpants was quite sexy. I like his thighs. Even my boyfriend fancies Jedward now. It's pretty much compulsory on the current reality TV curriculum.
Big Brother should not kowtow to demands to play music into the house.
Kerry does look better now she's not totally clad in knitwear. Interesting how Amy reacts when Kerry dolls up, and it's not just fantasy, she does get competitive. She's a bit of a spoilt brat, really. That strip was whack, I preferred Jedward's one.
Just some retrospective filler at the end. Come on now, it's hardly been a legacy year. This aint the dream factory, more like the snooze shoebox.
VOTE JEDWARD. And if you vote for Lucien or Bobby I'm gonna come round there and stamp on your fingers. And your phone. And your BABIES! You have been told.

Celebrity Big Brother - Rejection is one thing...

Still can't believe the girlband lost that task. But can believe even less we're still on this fucking task. Get a new idea already.
What's with the band getting to share their cooked breakfast with the 'have nots'. Surely that defeats the object. Where are the BOUNDARIES! Get the rulebook out, for Christ's sake.
Talking of Christ, why has Paddy got such a dislike for Amy? What about the appalling way Lucien treated Kerry? Paddy is quite sexist. I suppose I have to just eat it up and go 'well, it's his culture.' Fuck that.
Jedward have only got a couple of thousand hardcore fans? I thought they'd have a few more than that. Mind you, depends what hardcore means, I suppose. Jedward's number one fan must be pleased she got a mention. Darryn looked jealous, I think he's got a taste for the boyband life.
It looks kind of fun sleeping in the garden. I think they're having more fun than the indoor peeps.
I didn't like the way Paddy was talking about his wife, either.
Edward: 'I'm wondering what John is thinking?' Aw that's cute. He doesn't like having to think about other people's feelings. Yeah, weird other people! Sod them! That was the sweetest thing ever. So he uses John as a barrier. Is he the weaker twin? I wish I had a bit longer to find out now they're actually giving them their own edit. I like Edward best now! John must be the cocky one, or maybe it's just this task making him seem that way. Are we going to see all those autographs on ebay now? They're just flogging their CD again, aren't they?
Amy has made Edward look like Patrick Wolf after a bender. Hope he throws a mic stand at Darryn next.
Amy just realised she's an adult at 23. Sad, isn't it?
Can you imagine all this misogynistic banter uncut on live feed? I bet it's a shocker to listen to. Bobby, why are you still there? You're like plankton, but with a bit of a personality problem, like Plankton in Spongebob Squarepants, then.
They never used to give them spirits to drink in Big Brother. Irresponsible C5. Lucien giving Amy the brush off whilst trying to get a straw into his hateful gob. LOL at her 'don't worry, I'll be drunk in a minute'. Best mates? Ouch.
Lucien looked proper miffed. Rejection is one thing, but rejection from a fool is cruel. It's got to hurt his precious little ego. The little shit was proper seething when Bobby said he was only 19. You could tell Kerry recognised the signs off 'angry little man about to pop' as she looked wary.
If Jedward did that shit with the M&Ms there'd be hell to pay!
Was nice when Paddy was saying he could let his guard down in the BB house. I think my guard would be right up on TV, personally. Was cute that he was happy people were shouting his name. I'm really torn on him, because I think he is a decent bloke, but I just don't agree with a lot of his views. A leopard can't change it's colours. Unless you paint it.
Lucien: 'you've made me feel like a muppet'. Is it that gross jumper you're wearing? I like the way Amy just ignored him. Why shouldn't Amy flirt with him? Lucien flirts with Kerry non-stop. SUCH double standards. Breathtaking levels of double standards.
Lucien's got his Big Brother brain on (t.m. the Irrepressible Dark Horse). It's so rich him having a go at Amy for leading him on when he's been doing nothing but lead people on in that house. Kerry just buried her feelings, he wants to hang his dirty laundry all over the Big Brother garden. Well, that's his choice. Be a man about it! (There, that's sexist)
At the same time, Amy is manipulative. She knows full well what she's doing. But they're both as bad as each other. Amy says they're being watched by 8 million people. Who's going to tell her?
Lucien fancies Amy because people 'put things in his head'. No. he just thinks he's SUPPOSED to fancy her. I don't think he even fancied her!
Bobby castigating Amy for mixed signals. WHAT ABOUT LUCIEN'S MIXED SIGNALS? Oh, but he's 19, he's a player. HE'S A MAN.
Lucien, Disneyland Paris is better than Disneyland Florida. I've been to both.
Is Amy going to sleep with false eyelashes on? Prick tease! *irony*
You know, sometimes someone gets off with someone and then realises they don't fancy them. That's life. Maybe he's a really shit kisser. Maybe he's got really bad breath? Or (more likely) maybe she just wants some orange Neanderthal man. I'm sure Alex Ried will be available in six months or so. Can we all move on now?

Celebrity Big Brother - Blowjob jaw

Amy being talked about as if she's a piece of meat, as usual. Kerry chatting about her boring mother, as usual. Paddy mumbling incoherently as usual. What you gonna do about it hard man? Come round and bore me to death? Ah, then he just said 'oh mammy' and it made me laugh. Forgiven!
Amy spends three hours getting ready? Why does she look such a dog's dinner, then? God, can there be anything sadder than women subjugating themselves like this? Don't get me wrong, I wear make up. I spend approximately 3 minutes putting it on. I spend about five seconds combing my hair. I don't get what all the rollers are about. Her hair is straight!
Oh God, and she wants a baby as well. What has she got to pass onto a baby? No, really, what wisdom has she got to impart? Why do stupid people always want babies? It can't be good for humanity. She IS a bug. I once watched a TV show called 'Help, I'm no bigger than a bug'. It was quite disappointing.
Jedward seem a bit lost without Tara. They look like they've got lipstick on today. I want to read some Jedward slash fiction. No, it's not slash fiction, is it? What's the porno one called? Oh my God, what am I saying? Look what you've driven me to!
God, not more of this tragic task. Haven't we suffered enough? John/ Jedward drool. You'd probably get a few quid for that if you sold it on ebay. I can't believe he can keep still for that long. Lucien looks like a serene mermaid. Now this is endurance!
I just searched for topless pictures of Jedward. Found some quite good ones. Now, appropriately enough, John has got blowjob jaw. No one wants that.
Kerry Katona: 'really famous in Asia'. Well, so are Shampoo, so it doesn't mean much. I wonder what Shampoo look like now. I bet they're still pretty cool.
All this shrieking in the groupie bit is getting on my nerves. It feels like nothing happened tonight. It feels like the course has been run.
OMG Sam Pepper and Shabby on BOTS. Fetch my 'bad attitude' spray. Now, go to your room.

Celebrity Big Brother - Nomance

I am really shocked that they are going on about Lucien and Amy in front of Kerry. I thought Amy would be too embarrassed. Kerry is well within her rights to be annoyed, I think. Lucien is a total PLAYA. I think he has behaved disgustingly. And you can say he's a free agent or whatever, but it's HIM who created that situation and trampled on people's feelings, and I don't like that.
Bobby on Amy and Lucien: WTF does 'you properly popped in' mean? Honestly, the way they go on about women is gross. So did they snog or what?!
Did I just hear Jedward slag someone off?! Shock. I want to see them show their teeth a bit. Am I going to have to hear about this Amycien shit all day. Kerry's fake humour over the whole situation is so transparent. I wouldn't even pretend to be OK with it.
It's nice seeing Jedward separated. I fee like Big Brother has done us a disservice this year by not letting us get to know them individually. I feel quite embarrassed that I still can't tell them apart.
Is Darryn short? He seems to have short man syndrome. Talk about a frustrated z-lister. This highlights episode has been quite duff so far.
It's not hard to learn the lyrics to one Take That song. I liked John's body popping. Darryn's cod piece looked quite... empty.
I wish I could just see them sitting round having a chat. So tired of having these tasks foisted upon me like some unwanted STD.
The girl band was a lot better than the boy band, though. Hard to believe Kerry and Edward were/ are professional singers. They are showing about 15 minutes too much of this task. have they really got no other footage?
Darryn covered in baby oil? Fetch me my matches. Do they leave Jedward alone cooking? I wouldn't trust Jedward to make a cheese sandwich.
My God, this episode has been SO BORING. It's actually been painful to watch. This nomance is useless. Jedward eating a frozen banana is much more riveting.
Amy is actually quite manipulative. She's put pay to Kerry and Lucien and now walking away like 'what did I do?' She looked irked when Kerry said he was a baby.
Do you think Darryn has ever had a lasting relationship with a woman? He has no respect for or understanding of women.
I don't think I've ever been less interested in a BB showmance. Amy Childs and her idea of what's sexy or fanciable is just empty and tragic, pouting into the mirror with her straggly hair and mask of make up. Lucien wants what he can't get, until he gets it. It's just empty.
I kind of like Kerry's dowdy hairband and the way she's just sitting around in her pyjamas. She seems quite unaffected by it all.
Really bad highlights show, and a bad omen if they're going to focus on this sort of shit in the highlights. Please, someone, stop the rot!

Film: Attack the Block

Wow, what a disappointment. I've been waiting to watch this film all year, and really had to twist my boyfriend's arm as he hates Nick Frost. As it is, Nick Frost isn't in it that much. And he's not even part of the problem.
I can't understand how this film got so many good reviews. Where do I start listing the things that were wrong with it? How about with the two dimensional female 'character' who we're meant to believe lives on a council estate, even though she talks like she's the romantic lead in a Richard Curtis film. She's meant to be a nurse, she talks like Pippa fucking Middleton (not that you ever hear that cunt talk - except out of her arse). She has no personality whatsoever; she's just fucking wet. It's really, really disappointing. Aren't we a bit beyond that kind of characterisation for women now? I suppose I should count myself lucky there's even a girl in it. They could have had someone really quirky or cool in it and made you really get behind them.
It is kind of annoying that we're expected to be on the side of this imbecilic group of chavs who talk like posh white people think chavs talk. 'Allow it'? It really is bare mockeries. Why are there no girls in the gang? The girlfriends of the gang are barely featured, and are sitting in a pink room when it does cut to them. Fucking hell.
Some of the gang are quite good actors, and seem almost realistic, and the main gang has some quirky characters at least, but I just didn't really like them. But Nick Frost is impotent, the posh student bloke is just cliched, and the police all talk like... well, like police talk in films, but not in real life.
I didn't think the script was much good either, it wasn't funny, or scary enough. In fact it made me think of Misfits, and how witty and intelligently written it is, and how non-patronisingly it treats youth culture. And also a lesson in how important it is to really love and care for your characters. Look at the way Kelly in Misfits is written compared to the female in this film. I was personally hoping she'd die.
The aliens themselves make the langoliers look progressively animated. It's literally a dude in a gorilla suit with some glow in the dark fangs on. Very disappointing.
This film has got to be one of the biggest anti-climaxes of the year. There's really no excuse. I love Adam and Joe so much, and with Joe Cornish's blatant film snobbery, I expected this to be top quality. I know I'm fussy, but this just didn't do it for me. I like films set in London, and films on a budget, but I think the characters just weren't up to scratch.
Super 8 was also a major disappointment. I need a decent alien movie in my life, fast.

Celebrity Big Brother - Lucien, leave it out (!)

We actually went to Lidl today, so who's to say advertising doesn't work? Instead of seeing Jedward going wild in the aisles, there were the dregs of society shuffling around like zombies. And that was just me and my boyfriend (this is the sort of joke Ian Hyland used to get paid for writing). My favourite bit of Lidl is the section where they have what I like to call 'odds and sods'. Who hasn't been tempted by that crap? I nearly came home with a cat activity centre but bought some Prosecco and a giant bag of marshmallows. I haven't tried the Prosecco yet, but the champagne in there has never let me down.
Anyway, enough about Lidl. I like the fact they've got a zillion bananas but no loo roll. Just use Darryn's dressing gown. At least they won't run short of tryptophan.
I can't believe Tara's gone. That house is packed full of cunts.
Darryn is incenced by the Trolli jelly hamburgers. He should be glad they didn't get any meat. They did try and get bread. At least they've got white Magnums.
I approve of Jedward in their pants. I like that pre-pubescent look (over 18s- I'm not a pervert).
Pejazzle?! I've heard it all now. I'm not sure I want to see all the housemates inner thighs. I liked Amy's stupid dog, he was mega cute. I wouldn't tongue a dog, personally, though.
Were Jedward checking Tara out in her bikini? I couldn't tell. Are they going to write a song called 'Vajazzle' to rival Peter Andre's Insania? Shouldn't vajazzle be spelt 'vagazzle'? Not as sexy that way, is it.
I can confirm every man's fantasy is NOT to vajazzle Amy Childs. Although it might be Darryn's by the look on his slobbery old face.
I still don't get how Tara left. It makes no sense.
Paddy going crazy with the champs! I'd be annoyed, I'd want to drink it. I wonder if it is the Lidl one?
Bobby talks so much trash. So annoyed he's still there. are we that gullible?
I wish I could be in Darryn's '4 real crew'. That's gotta be the hottest ticket in town.
I like Amy's dress, it shows off her figure well. Her hair is a bit straggly, though. Have Kerry and Lucien gone for a snog in the loo? I hate the way he's strutting around, flitting from girl to girl, he just gets on my wick.
Lucien: 'bad vibes'. He's the only one putting out bad vibes. Amy telling Darryn not to go to bed was very telling. She doesn't want to be left on her own with him.
Lucien is SUCH a player! Glad Amy called him out. It rather took the shine off when she went and laid in his lap, though. She's not the kind of girl you want as a best friend.
This is sooo childish. I don't think she fancies him at all. I hope they are all really drunk, because that's the only way any of this is forgivable.
WTF is going on? This is either edited badly or just a mess. Kerry is going to find all those pink crystals stuck to Lucien and it's going to be a dead give away. God, this 'showmance' makes Chanel and Ziggy look like love's young dream (I'm showing my age there).
I felt like that whole thing in the bedroom was just a performance put on for Kerry's benefit. I think the thing with Amy is she doesn't fancy Lucien but she wants to prove she's top dog in the house. She's that sort of girl. Lucien is just behaving like a 16-year-old at a school disco. Well, it's time his mummy came and picked him up.
This could win it for Kerry, because the way he's been leading her on is cruel. But really, she should know better.
PS: I wonder if Jedward could feel it if someone put a pea under their mattress?

Celebrity Big Brother - (Don't) get the meat

Whassup? The cats are running up and down the hallway, I've got a can of diet Pepsi on the go, let's get ready to rock and roll.
I voted to save Tara, yes, actually rang up and voted for the first time, because I'd hate to see her go over some of those other arseholes.
If even Amy has twigged Kerry and Lucien fancy each other, it must be true. I think 'they deserve each other' might be about right, but not for the reason she thinks.
Shopping task! They're finally getting them to do a bit of endurance! In BBUSA they make them hang off a hook for 48 hours to see who wants it most. I can't see that happening here. Wimps! Paddy, I thought you were meant to be a hardman?
I think Darryn or Bobby might go tonight. I mean, who would ring to save them? I doubt if their own mothers would bother jotting down the number. If they have writing implements in the house.
LOl to Kerry's screw face when Lucien was checking out Amy. He's what's known as a cunt tease. Oh, no, I forgot, that phrase DOESN'T EXIST because we live in a patriarchy.
Jedward vs Kerry and Bobby, or Kobby, as I like to call them. Jedward: 'you're going down, further down.' I can't see that one catching on.
LOL at Jedward being sent out to do the shopping (except the contact with the outside world, obv). I see it like the Common People vid. But with more crashing. Fuck me, Jedward probably don't even know who Pulp are.
Ha, Jedward can get their revenge for Darryn being the Tell Off Man whilst he was doing the shopping list. Paddy asked for shoe polish?! Is that really his top priority?
LIDL! LOL. Hope they don't want anything in particular, except Polish chocolate.
Get the bread! No, get the MEAT. *vom* Urgh, Lidl's meat is fucking rank. I couldn't eat that. I like the fact one is just issuing orders with a megaphone rather than helping.Lidl bread is horrid. The only thing I ever used to buy from Lidl was their £12.99 champagne. It was ace. But then they put it up to £15 and that was the end of that. Plus they always ID you in there. It's boring. I'm 31, ffs.
LOL to Jedward waking people up at 3am to tell them they didn't get any biscuits. Hilarious. They got some good sweets. They do have excellent sweets in Lidl. I like the giant pack of cola bottles they do.
Darryn is safe! WTF. Why? Lucien! Urgh! Tara better not go. WTF! She did! Why? This vote to save is bullshit. I always thought it would be good. But it ISNT. I'm quite mad now. This is entirely the wrong result. I never thought I'd say this, but if the 'normal' BB goes like this (ie. unfairly) I'm not even going to bother with it. Yes, I did just say that. C5 have driven me to it! Something is rotten. And I don't think this would have happened if we had live feed. I hate being out of touch with the BB audience. It makes me feel out of sorts. Well done, viewers, you just evicted the nicest person in the house.
The truth is, the only good thing about this Big Brother is Jedward. On launch night my phone was buzzing with texts. Launch night I watched it twice, once repeated when my boyfriend got in. Now: there's silence. My boyfriend said he aint going to watch it tonight. No one cares. It's a shame. Didn't we almost have it all.
Tara: 'It can get clicky in the house.' And that's just Kerry Katona's knees. (sorry)
I don't like them setting up Tara as this paranoid/ game player etc. So what? That's the whole point!
LOL to her having a go at Brian, that was pretty funny. Ooh, she looks mad. I don't know why she's so mad. She wasn't stitched up, she did go on like that. She was also pretty cool when she wanted to be. Her being annoyed is entertaining.
Wow, I actually don't like one person in that house, except Jedward, and they're not really a person, more of an invention. Paddy, OK, decent guy, but something bad lurking underneath and boring housemate. Amy: nothing between the ears. Bobby: no heart. Lucien: no spine. Kerry: no integrity. Darryn: just no.
I've got a sinking feeling! This isn't how it should be. My friend said she misses the human decency and boredom. It's true, we're not allowed to breathe for a minute. We have to be 'entertained', told how to feel. Please, C5, have a rethink. If you have the equipment to think it with.
PS: They put Million Pound Plop on at the same time as BB! I'd love to see the viewing figures.