If this is Heaven, book me a ticket to Hell. The last thing this bitch needs is an ego boost.
Gratuitous nakedness, welcome to Channel 5. Anton and Tashie are having a morning cliche battle. Tashie wins again, for a tiger never changes it's stripes (nearly) and a stranger is just a friend I haven't met. She's a gold-star bullshit merchant.
How dare Pamela Anderson have GOT OLD? Why can't she stay young forever, just like Jackie Stallone or Joan Rivers? Must be the wrong face cream, I guess. Pamela looked thrilled to be cornered by Tashie.
Anton is SUCH a massive prick. I hate his manner with people, he's such a freak. He's about as smooth as a sandpaper-covered cactus.
Anton: 'You've just got to wait for personality to come through.' How long do we have to wait?
Anton and Mark are both post-David Brent embarrassing. I think Anton has the potential to be the biggest house dickhead since Sezar, maybe even beating him. Mark seems so pathetic, it's hard to believe he isn't putting it on. Tashie is almost as bad.
Pamela is anti-chihuahua, methinks. She's sacking them off quick smart. I like Pamela's eyebrows. I think she looks great for 44.
Louise is too embarrassed to say 'farted' in front of Pamela. I like Maisy's eyebrows, too. I don't like her personality, though.
I think Mark thinks he's Pamela's boyfriend or something, he's looking all wounded puppy-like whenever she's not talking to him. At least Aden was a good sport about wearing the swimsuit.
Heaven: 'women are bitchy.' Self-hating on TV. Way to use a platform. Does Louise want to walk already? It's only Day 2! Mind you, who could really blame her? 'There aren't my type of people...' They barely even classify as people!
Anton is sooooo desperate. The way these blokes talk about and to the women is disgusting. It's like they're still behind the bike sheds.
Pamela looks so good in that glittery dress. I didn't expect to, but I like Jay, he seems genuine.
Pamela is getting fed up with Anton. She must be praying for Joe Swash's 'tommy tank' cockney charms right now.
Rebeckah is a deeply conflicted individual. I feel quite sorry for her as she seems to really hate herself. It seems a bit unfair to have her going through such a personal fuckery fest on TV, because the GBP (great British public TM Jeremy Kyle) will NOT understand, they will just stick the slag card on her like she wants them too.
OMG Tashie is driving me mad. I've got a quote for her: 'you say it best when you say nothing at all.' Her and Anton are top class. I've literally gone 'pfffffffffffffffffffftttt' and snorted with laughter about 20,000 times tonight. You can't say it's not entertaining. 'I'm going to have to take a moment to think about that.' Me too!
Aaron is a good character as well, because he clearly thinks he's a cut above it. You're not, kiddo. You're just an attention-seeking arrogant piss pot like all the others. 'This is a game... I'm not here to make friends' is the BIGGEST reality TV cliche OF ALL TIME. Behold.
This is better than the celebrity one already; it's like the fucking funny farm.