Big Brother 2011 - I know that from flipping Krispy Kremes

Sorry I'm late, I've been trekking across London tonight. Fuck London, man. I hate you, London. I nearly murdered someone on the tube, I'm so out of practice, my patience-o-meter was at zero. I want Big Brother and kitten times. The outside world is not for me.

Oh, Rebeckah, your cruelty is unbecoming. That hug shows it will be bros before hos all the way, and don't think they wont utter those fateful words at some point.

Mark's lettuce/cucumber/knobbing story is so contrived. It's like he's got them all written on a card along with the dates he's going to scratch them off.

Haha, Rebeckah has got Aden apologising to her! That girl has got some game. 'I'm doing it as much for you'. She's a piece of work! Nice boxer shorts, Aden. He's got the whole package, hasn't he?

Is Aaron cooking up a showmance with Louise? Rebeckah accusing Aaron of 'winding all the girls up'. Hilarious! 'I think Mark's going to win'- shows how out of touch they are.

Rebeckah; working for Samaritans does not make you a counsellor. Samaritans listen. They don't give advice and they definitely don't judge. She scares me. She's a reputational risk!

I'm surprised the other girls aren't judging Rebeckah more. Maybe they are and they're cutting it out. I think Rebeckah might be madder than Bea. Madder than Bea! Who'd have thought it possible?

I thought Carpe Diem might be 'that's life' as well. But my education didn't cost as much as Harry's.

Jay struggling to name is own country's Prime Minister. Doesn't it make you proud?

It's not really that that bad getting gunged when you have a swimming cap and goggles on.

I know who wrote Bleak House. I got that right on Pointless the other day cos I had to read it at school. I can't remember a word of it, but if you forced me at knifepoint, I bet I could remember at least 10 Big Brother contestants name's from each series. What does that tell you?

Tidy up tell-off times. I wish Harry wasn't so grotesque to look at. I'm sure I'd be more forgiving about the animal cruelty. I'm definitely worried that the 'brains' are going to get voted out early and we're going to be left with Heaven, Tashie and Anton braying at each other.

I think Aden is trying to have sex with you, Rebeckah. You're just not letting him.

Jay fancies Louise! I don't think the feeling is mutual. The way Jay talks about women is as if they're subhuman. Mind you, he's not much evolved from Mr Potato Head himself.

I don't get this thing about the beds. But it's been a long day. I'm off to Nod. G'night.