Big Brother 2014: Boo it to your face

Well, what a horrible week it's been in the Big Brother house. The reason I haven't blogged every day is because how many different ways can I say I hate these people and the arguing is depressing? It's been  painful to watch.
But is there hope Ash might go tonight? My only mistake is I'm hoping. But Danielle survived against Tamara, and Toya has been given a quiet edit for a day or two, so there is hope. I think the hatred for Helen is strong and whoever in the house said 'guilt by association' was right. Ash could be in big trouble.
I see Ashleigh failed in her mission to stop Danielle wearing 'the eyelashes that make her look like a transvestite' - her words, not mine. I think Danielle looks fine dolled up. It's a relief when any of the girls have their make up on!
Helen reminds me of kids who have free travel on the bus and only have it revoked if they misbehave. Helen HAS the free travel, and still she keeps banging on the driver's booth. So take the fucking Oyster card of her, Big Brother, you baby. Or she's going to stab someone on the top deck. Have I laboured that enough?
Chris giving it the bi-curious storyline! True gaming. You're not 10% gay if you've never even kissed a guy. I think you'd have to at least do a handjob for 10%.
Danielle and Ashleigh: the world's dreariest washer women.
Matthew is getting on my nerves a bit now; he's got some good one liners but I don't like the way he looks down on Helen because she's a 'chav.' Hate Helen because she's Helen, by all means, but stop being so superior. You're coming across as a bit of a douche, frankly.
Setting Steven up to do this words task is quite funny because it's the sort of bullshit he would say. I'd rather he didn't do it while eating an apple, though. And when Winston is dissing you for having never read a book, you know you're a pure dimlo.
Mark is not going to be able to balance being friends with both Helen and Matthew for long.
I can't work out what the crowd are chanting. Must be 'get someone out' again.
Jale is safe. Jale WILL go at some point. Maybe when there's not 40 people on the block. Ooh, Christopher is safe too (again). And Chris! I think Chris is my favourite right now. He's is just 'someone off a course' to quote my boyfriend, but you'd be glad to be in his breakout group. Could probably get him to either do the writing or stand up and explain what your group did, too.
Toya is actually right about Jale being desperate to be liked by Helen. Jale is a total flip-flopper; as is Mark to a lesser extent.
Chris storylining with this bisexual nonsense. Never mind. We've all got to have a 'journey' right?
Ooh good they're showing this 'If Ash went, Helen would crumble' bit. Ash is twitching about it in the Diary Room too! 'I think I'm a nice guy.' Nice guys don't have to tell everyone they're nice guys. People know. You? Not so much, maggot.
Fuck, I just voted to evict Ash again. This Big Brother is getting expensive.
Eyebrow-gate! No shit Mark is a drama queen, Toya, and thank God he's in there, and I never thought I'd say that. Steven is just 'formulating opinions.' We saw Kimberly's boyfriend on BOTS so I don't think Steven's got much hope, bless him.
Uh oh, the crowd are chanting 'get Toya out'. No, don't. Winston is the only person getting a cheer now. Ash is twitching because he wasn't saved first this week. The crowd DO seem super loud tonight. And someone is chanting 'Rooney'!
Ugh, Marlon is safe so it's either Toya or Ash. Please let it be Ash!
Fuck! I can't believe it was Toya. That's £1.50 down the drain. 'Remember what I told you.' Be careful with those words in the Big Brother house. I reckon it was close, you know. Toya did get on my nerves, but she had a lot more to offer than Ash. Why is she getting booed so much? For sticking up for herself? That was a golden opportunity missed there. Total nightmare. One white woman, then two black women in three weeks. Says it all, doesn't it. It's not even fair that Toya was the power housemate and got evicted anyway. Another bullshit twist.
Toya is handling herself very well. She looks good and she's talking sense. Helen IS sucking the fun out of the house. Toya has some annoying affectations; 'conversating' for example, but I enjoyed 'beep is going to hit the fan' and the double thumbs down when she left the house.
Oh God, who's going to get the power now? It's like having leprosy. Oh, girl power. An all girls alliance. It's shameful they have to make all the girls safe just to stop them being evicted one after another. I agree with positive discrimination, it's just a shame it has to be that way. Up the patriarchy. Still, at least Ash or Marlon will go next time. And is Jale safe this week?
So no podcast until Sunday as Billy Bile is hard at work! But then I get to watch Big Brother US so it will be worth the wait! Whoop. Fingers crossed it's not wall to wall cunts like this lot.
Oh yeah, my tweet was in the Daily Star today. Probably the stupidest and least funny tweet I've ever written: I actually disagree with myself in it. So that's something. Still, rather a tweet than my boobs, hey?

Big Brother 2014: Casting you with the same brush

Right everyone calm the fuck down and put your true colours away before we see them. Cos if we see them; God help you! Argh! *puts sunglasses on*
Danielle: 'I don't know why you've put such rude, nasty people in here.' Me either. It's depressing. I can't work out who's aligned to who again this week. Danielle is being quite pathetic, not liking Kim anymore because she's friendly with Helen.
Has Helen got something in her eye? The rotten hag is leaking. She's doing some good victim blaming in the garden. Why has Kimberly aligned with horrid Helen? Oh, cos of Steven. Ugh.
Can't they cancel out Pauline's pass to the final for Helen now she's gone? Please, spare us. Who goes, we decide? Not so much.
Toya is HAPPY about being up for nomination. Pull the other one. Ugh Big Brother is so school yard tonight, girls bitching at each other. Boring. Kimberly is so patient with Danielle. Danielle needs a good shake. Ashleigh is getting as miserable as Danielle.
Another task with a twist - zzz. And another task with gunk! Zzz. And another task with no imagination - standard. Eggs, fish, gunk. Chris looks how I feel.
Winston banging his spoon against a cup like he's in prison is more interesting than what Toya's saying. Danielle on Kim and Steven: 'I don't care.' Why WOULD you care!? You clearly DO care. I don't think Danielle has ever had a boyfriend. I doubt if anyone would book her for a photshoot with Kim because she looks like hell. It looks like she hasn't washed her hair for three weeks.
Dear God, Danielle is being so out of order to Kim, slagging her off to Ashleigh. What a messed up person she is, she needs some hardcore therapy.
Nice to see Danielle letting her (greasy) hair down for once. Braveheart! A fellow homophobe (Mel Gibson, that is).
OMG Steven is so cringeworthy, and I hate that word, but he just IS. Kimberly's face when he kissed her on the cheek was a picture. Ugh, Steven telling her to let go. Maybe she doesn't WANT to let go! She IS cold. But I kind of like that about her.
Ashleigh: 'Why should gay people have to come out?' Er... so people know who they are? It's easy for straight people to say that but most gay people DO have to come out. It's not as easy as it is for her and she shouldn't think it is. It's just lip service.
Is Danielle coming onto Winston with her 'spotless house' talk? Talk about an easy target with Winston. I can't roll my eyes far enough at her one rule for me and women but I'm fairly sure she's making it up, so that makes it easier to listen to.
The pool is quite big this year, isn't it? Wasted on these arseholes. 'Come on, you bastards!' etc. At least they're having a laugh now, except a few miseries in the kitchen, including my favourite, Matthew.
Marlon having a quick grope of Danielle there. I'm surprised she didn't smack him one. 'I could crack that nutcracker.' He's all charm, isn't he?
Hold up, who's in the shower together there? Someone call Pauline! It's Kim, Jale and Chris in there. Filthy fuckers. A threesome!
Toya stop going on about your mum. And is Ashleigh not allowed to have fun cos she's got a boyfriend? She is seriously sour.
I like Kimberly's knitted onesie type thing. I don't like Big Brother at the moment. Also, there's too many people up for eviction again. There's nothing at stake when there's eight people on the block. I want to see an old school style head to head. I suppose there's about as much chance of that as the live feed coming back. Fuck you, Big Brother. We were gonna do a mid-week podcast tonight but we're too depressed - enough said really.

Big Brother 2014: I refuse to live with people like that

So I had a Big Brother blog break over the weekend and everything goes mad. The power couple got 'the power of veto' over three nominations in the house and wisely chose Marlon, Ash and Steven. Who took it REALLY well when they found out! Poor Matthew, talk about beaky in the middle. Toya's yap went into overdrive and he was left shouldering the hate of the bozos. I was pleased that Winston stood up to Toya, but the general sense of entitlement in all quarters in that house is so annoying. Toya is just plain mad and the men are apes. It's a nightmare. Still, those who said she'd be 'calm and fair' in charge must be pleased with how things are going, ha.
Wasn't really a 'secret' veto, was it? How come Chris got to do everything cloak and dagger? Toya is less hurricane and more overcast today. LOL to her calling Marlon 'barbaric.' She's not far off. I LOVED it when Toya called Winston out for peeing over the toilet seat, and her impression of Winston was funny, too. Shame she's so fucking NUTS.
Ash yesterday: 'She should have put the boring cunts up.' She DID. Mark: 'Just because someone's different doesn't make them boring.' That's a man with his eye on the prize. It's not easy to keep all sides sweet as you end up caught in between - I hope he doesn't come unstuck, and yet half hope he does.
Toya: 'I refuse to live with people like that.' Er... there's the door.
I'm glad it's Marlon overhearing things people are saying about his scummy arse this time. Piece of shit. Him, Ash and Steven are pure knobbers. Winston I can still deal with as he's funny, but he could go either way. He's acting like Toya cancelled his nomination, too.
Why is Marlon pretending he's 22 when he's 30? He's thick as shit and immature so I suppose it's a good cover story.
OMG I'm shocked to hear Ashleigh calling Helen a nasty witch! When did this happen?! Helen's getting a good nose-picking edit today. Why is Ashleigh calling Helen a slag? Good editing as usual. No clue what's going on.
Helen would be TOAST if she didn't have the pass to the final. I'm worried we're gonna end up with five or six blokes at the end, though.
Ha, the power housemates can choose someone to save. Brilliant. I'm guessing it's not going to be Ash or Marlon. Suckers. More VTs! I hope they don't go off on one like Pauline - I can't cope with any more urine-related VT bile.
LOL Big Brother have given Toya and Matthew a spy cam into that house. That's a sure fire way to diffuse an argument! *House explodes*
Matthew: 'I reckon the public are desperate to get rid of Helen.' Toya: 'She's got a hard face.' They're not wrong. I like Matthew's sunglasses but his hairy shoulders are making me gag. Matthew could go all the way at this rate, he's twitching but he's somehow getting away with things.
Matthew: 'He looks so fat' about Marlon. Everyone looks fat compared to you! Marlon IS fat, though. I like Toya and Matthew lording it. Keep Toya in, at least she's got a spine. And she laughed when Ash said he wanted to rip her head off!
The audio in that plastic box is awful, I can't hear a word they're saying. Matthew: 'I know you want to save *mumble*'.
Why did Danielle walk off when Jale asked Kimberly about Steven? I think she's jealous that no one fancies her; either that or she's just a another batshit woman in that house.
Toya to Ash: 'I felt intimidated by you.' What bollocks. Toya is the intimidator, not the intimidated. She can stand up for herself more than adequately.
OMG Toya and Matthew saved Steven! Ash looked sour. Should have kept your yap shut, stupid. LOL, Steven then had to choose who to put on the block out of Steven or Toya! That's gratitude for you.
Oh dear, Steven put Toya up. Boo! Look at Ash laughing, the prick. Please vote to evict Marlon! I really want those guys to get a smack in the face. Steven should have put Matthew up as he would have survived.
Look how cocky Marlon is! Ugh, I hate him. Oh dear, Toya's digging her own grave here with her 'own show' talk. Marlon suffers from 'chronic arrogance.' LOL.
Haha, Toya calling Marlon out on Marlicio. Keep Toya in! I love how much she winds Marlon up. Mark the peacemaker. There's no love being in that spot. '22 and works in optics.' He's 30 and works in optics! Whatever that is.
Mark: 'I don't get buses.' What is Mark talking about, why is he angry? 'You don't speak to women like that.' Like what? Great editing again.
Did they not show Toya and Matthew Danielle's same sex marriage comments? And if not, why the fuck not? Why did Toya prefer Danielle acting like a cow on the VT? Toys is pure gold, absolutely mental.
Ash is getting angry again and going super Manc.
Helen vs Toya, ding, ding! Anyone know what this is about, we don't have a clue. I thought Mark was going to go all United Nations and step in again there but he just hid behind a pole and scuttled off again.
Danielle and Ashleigh are like the ugly sisters. They both need a can of dry shampoo and a hot bath.
God, I want to get behind Toya but she don't half go on. She really likes the sound of her own voice.
Helen: 'I find girls sly bitches.' I wonder why? God, what's she yapping about now? Toya: 'I can't save everybody.' Probably not even yourself from eviction this week.

Big Brother 2014: Statementer. Recidivist. Arsehole.

Welcome to the second eviction! Ash too lazy to lift his head up. Perhaps he's got rigor mortis. Christopher getting some cheers. Peculiar. Pauline facing some serious booage. I can't see anyone leaving over her this week.
I can't bear Marlon and it's so obvious he's going to float his way in the end, whilst every girl in there gets evicted.
Why has Ashleigh started hanging out with the witches? Bad game move.
Pauline is backtracking hard but unfortunately it's too late. It was a typical case of HOH-itis (see BBUS) when she got the power trip, and she fucked herself beyond repair. 
OMG the housemates are choosing who the power housemate should be. I vote Matthew. I've seen who the person they chose is on Twitter, but I'm hoping it's a lie. I don't see how it could be true. Why would Big Brother put one of the 'baddies' in charge - or let them be put in charge?!
Ooh, Matthew chose Kim to be the power housemate. Cool. As did Steven. Danielle chose Ashleigh (what's the fucking point)?
Kimberly chose Maaaaaark. I don't think Mark would be good with the power. He's too flaky. He's better off with the bon mots. Mark, stop with the psychic bullshit. Don't you remember what happened to Wolfy last year? Stuff your healing crystals.
Winston looked perturbed in the DR.  He chose Matt! Then Christopher chose Matt! Why is Matt not the power housemate already!
Ooh, Toya chose Chris. Interesting. He's just bloody been it! But he didn't nominate her. So they must be friendly.
I note no one is picking Pauline. Maaaaark picked Toya. Toya 'will be fair'? Er... Toya will be an interminable whinging cunt.
It's sickening to hear girls cheering for Ash after how he referred to women this week. Jale looks nice tonight - she's scrubbed up well. Christopher looks nice, too. Steven looks weird. Everyone getting cheers except Pauline, Marlon and Steven.
The two housemates with the fewest votes were Christopher and Ash. Ash probably got the fewest votes because everyone forgot his boring arse was there.
Marlon's friend says 'he has lots of respect for women.' Sure, if you like being called a slutbucket. He's not exactly a feminist, is he? Pauline's son was quite sweet.
More power housemate votes. Jale voted for Kim. Pauline voted for Toya. Can't Pauline's vote be made void if she leaves?
Winston's hair is looking quite impressive tonight; almost like a 50s style quiff. Did Winston really batter a shark? I bet he just fell over in a gutter.
I still don't get Ash's fascination with Helen. Talk about cuntstruck. LOL Chris chose Danielle. Haha, that was a wasted vote.
Matthew is too weak to lift Mark out of the plant pot. Those skinny wings can't lift a grown man. Mark: 'I'm going deeper.' Yep, he's going deep in the game, alright.
FFS, Toya is the power housemate. What the fuck. It's like when the 'bad' side gets HOH. Well, hopefully Big Brother won't give her any real power. Toya has been described as 'fun' and 'fair'. Are they seeing something we're not?! I feel like they're talking about a different person.
Ashleigh's hair looks nice. Is it real?
Oh God, porn chat with Jale and Danielle. Danielle: 'What is it? Is it just two people going at it?' Come on Danielle, EVERYONE has seen porn. This act is fooling no one. The way she ran off; honestly, she must think we were born yesterday.
Helen is now slut shaming HERSELF. Does Ash not know about Wayne Rooney? I thought everyone knew.
Ash: 'Why did you sleep with someone who was married who's a celebrity?' Good question. I'm surprised that Helen is admitting to Ash that she was on the game. That's quite a hard thing to admit, she almost seemed human then. I wonder what Ash really thinks about that? I wouldn't be surprised if we saw another chat with Marlon about 'slutbuckets' coming up.
Steven is so threatened by Chris! He's always talking about him.
Sweet, the crowd are chanting 'get Helen out' LOL. Good work, guys. Not really much point in saying 'I knew it' Pauline. It didn't take DI Dan to work that one out. She's still giving them orders about the freezer as she goes. Get to fuck, Pauline. What's she carrying?!
I quite liked Pauline's exit actually, she didn't seem to give a fuck about the boos and started dancing.
79.4% voted Pauline out, out of 6 people! Wow. Pauline is not backing down! Oh dear. Get the hint, Pauline. Show a bit of contrition, maybe?! 
Haha, rat in the kitchen. Of COURSE Pauline knew it was Chris. Pauline knows EVERYTHING.
Does the camera man really need to go that close on Pauline's face?! Bloody hell. I feel like the camera's going to go up her nose.
Emma is being FROSTY. Pauline is not having it! Pauline will not be cowed. Emma can't get a word in - she's lost control. Crowd are chanting 'Jale' and 'off'.
Pauline yapping about food, sharing and selfish people. Yawn. She only has three topics of conversation.
Pauline is getting wub wubs on her best bits. She don't deserve the wub wubs. I note Emma didn't say that Pauline was 'a wonderful housemate.'
Oh God, Toya's power. What horrendous thing is she gonna do now? She's got to pick someone to be in power with her. At least she's got some make-up on today. I like all of her lipsticks. Ooh, she chose Matthew! Cool! I heart Matthew. Even so, it puts a bit of a target on him, too.
Shit they have to nominate one person now. They chose Christopher! Poor Christopher. He can't catch a break. NB. Christopher voted for Matt to be the power housemate earlier, something I'm sure he's reconsidering.
So one of the two power housemates will also be up. They're making this up as they're going along, aren't they? Still, as long as Toya walks out the door, let them meddle.
Some live feed would be nice now? Call me crazy. Call me hardcore. I just want to see what happens next! 

Big Brother 2014: Load title sequence. Initiate girl code.

Oh wicked, it it going to be another slut-shaming episode! Brilliant. My fave. Another episode where women tell other women how to behave.No need for the patriarchy; we'll just do it for you.
Ahh... slop. not much to say about that really. Toya apologising to Matthew. Boring.
Another vomit related task. Is this really want viewers want? I can't even watch tasks like this. I just have to look away for five minutes or however long they inflict it on us for. I don't even like watching people eat, let alone vomit. I mean, who DOES like watching people vomit?!
Oh God, Pauline's on about sharing again. At least they're showing her so we can show the old boot the door this week.
Have they passed the farm task? Could we care less? Yes and no. Now let's get on with the arguing.
The toaster isn't as nice this year. They had my toaster last year, and the new one is much uglier. Is Very still doing the furnishings? I get everything from Very. Clothes, my Wii U, my microwave. Sponsor us, would you?!
Oh OK, so Kimberly went in the shower with Winston after the task, and it's quite a big shower! They're both fully clothed. What's the big deal?
They pretty much only show Chris and Maaaaaark in the DR, don't they? They do give the best DR, even if both of them clearly rehearsed most of their lines months before they got in house.
Did Kimberly ask for your opinion, Helen? I'm sure she'll get it anyway. I'd like to 'say it to Toya's face' with a chainsaw. Steven's too good for Kimberly? Steven isn't even too good for Helen.
Bbashleigh finally speaks to accuse Kimberly of 'jumping form group to group' but fails to add 'mixing' (Coleen Nolan and Bet Lynch reference for you there). Yeah, trying to get on with everyone; what an awful trait to have. Is this Toya 'saying it to people's faces' again? No, it's just her bitching behind backs as usual.
The way Helen talks to Jale is grim. As is Ash and Helen cosying up. Neither of them have a kind bone in their bodies. Rotten people.
Jale's happy now she's been accepted by a bunch of people who've relentlessly bullied her for a week. Talk about a short memory. I'd tell them where to go.
Matthew's legs ARE a bit like a baby deer. He's soooo skinny.
Oh it was Toya who started shitstirring about the shower nonsense. Oh Christ, 'girl code.' It makes me furious when this is trotted out, especially by harridans such as Toya and Helen. Helen, where was your girl code to Coleen Rooney, you boot-faced crow? Who are they to decide the rules in the house? Mini Vinnie Jones'?! Oh great, Pauline's getting involved now.
Why is Winston being treated like he's braindead? He was in the shower, too. Not that anything even happened in the shower. I think Helen just wants to start one row a day and she's just filling her quota.
Oh my God, is Helen REALLY bringing this to Kimberly now? Oh and the henchwoman arrives.
Kimberly, please tell Helen to STFU. It's NOT UP TO YOU what Kimberly does. Helen is drunk and acting crazy. She needs tasering.
I kind of like Winston in the glasses. OMG Winston and Marlon laughing about it! Winston should stick up for Kimberly and tell Helen to wind her neck in. Look at Helen, all pleased with herself now she's giving someone a dressing down. Helen is pure evil. She's a proper villain. I can't believe she's a real person.
Winston DOES understand that shower gate was nothing, despite appearances.
Mark and Mathew seem to be quite good friends. I do half like Mark, and half hate him! I'm ready to sway ether way.
Kimberly looks quite lovely tonight. I think these other women are having a go at her because she's aloof and attractive, and they aren't. Well, that was an abrupt ending. EVICT PAULINE! Cut the head off the snake and the rest will crumble. You know it makes sense.

Big Brother 2014: Whoever goes, the problem will remain

Another day, another duff task, no doubt. Ash's 'Degrading? You're on Big Brother' comment would have been good if we didn't know that he degrades women 24/7, the 90s haired little gimp.
LOL to Chris's 'he's nearly a functioning human being but he fell off the factory line' about Christopher. Harsh, but fair.
Toya vs Christopher; ding ding! I do like 'pipe down' as an insult, though. Toya IS a negative person, there's no positive day for this misery guts. I wish she'd put some make up on too; all the women are so dowdy in there. Danielle, Toya, Jale, Ashleigh; not a scrap of foundation between them. As my friend Dawn pointed out; Toya is a BEAUTY BLOGGER. She's not selling her wares very well. And if you think that's sexist, it would be if a man said it, but I spend two minutes a day applying mascara in my car and that's just for the benefit of 100 people at my place of work, so I think I can have an opinion.
Is Kimberly REALLY saying she fancies Steven? Is she short-sighted? Danielle going 'be ladylike' and decreeing Helen and Ash's releationship 'platonic.' She's like the flirt police! Kimberly is worried something is going to happen just because she gets bored, I suspect. Fuck, you'd have to be really fucking bored to contemplate hooking up with that manicured lump.
Farming task. Isn't Christopher a journalist/dairy farmer, lol. He should be good at this task.
Ooh Danielle starting on my Matthew! Leave him alone! Danielle worried about dressing up as an animal affecting her glamour modelling. Yeah because you're always so immaculately turned out, Danielle. Your brand is SCREWED from head to toe, from your miserable grimace to your dreary clothes and yes, unbrushed hair. You look make Waynetta slob look like Gina Rio.
This chicken task isn't even interesting. I wouldn't put an egg in my mouth. I don't like eggs, they frighten me.
I can't really stand Mark but he does make me laugh in the DR - ginger biscuits, indeed.
Jale, it wasn't Chris's 'decision' to be the power housemate. The public voted for him, so get off his case, Slugsworth. Has she finally found someone she thinks she can pick on, rather than everyone picking on her? Then she goes 'I don't like the way you're speaking to me.' I don't like the tone of your monotonous voice.
This meat reclaimation yard of the task is somewhat tasteless, meat is murder, after all. I like the fact that Helen likes Jale now when Jale is being a prick. 'She's not sitting on the fence.' No, she's being a cunt.
I don't get why everyone is being so pissy about this task. I would strangle Toya if I was in there. Strangle her stone dead. Great, they all like Jale now. Brilliant. Marlon did seem to be quiet in there, but what did they think Marlon was going to do, be a great leader? He's a little twat. And now they like Jale because she was rude? The logic in that house is mental.
Chris: 'Whoever goes, the problem will remain.' Big Brother's new tagline! Chris: 'grown men crying.' LOL. 'I find everyone so boring.' How do you think WE feel?!
Does Toya ever smile? Is she depressed? I really don't know what her problem is. It's not like anyone's starting on her, she just seems determined to be furious at all times.
Danielle grassing on what Chris said to her. What a tattletale. Mark: 'Fuck off home then!' I hope Chris doesn't fuck off home. He's one of only two people I like in there.
Some more smooth chat with Steven; this time with added straw.
Pauline is still the lock boot, right? I know she's been keeping her head down, but LEST WE FORGET THE CHICKEN. I'm sure she'll remind us shortly.
Second on my shitlist: Jale, Steven, Ash, Marlon. I'd be happy to see any of them go. Actually, not Steven; he's got some more mileage.
Depressing viewing tonight. Something's gotta give. Something drastic is needed; likeable housemates, maybe? Or a mass gassing? Either or.

Big Brother 2014: Vomit cry wank

This nomination process this week is dragging on longer than the single releases off Morrissey's new album. Just give us the fucking album, not these dribs and drabs.
Oh no, it's just more speculation about the power housemate. Let this end. Matthew talking sense in the Diary Room. I want him to be the power housemate soon. I do like this power housemate twist but it's just going on too long. Five nominations! It's senseless.
Pauline is going on about chicken AGAIN. FFS. Ooh, Helen is getting a warning for bullying Jale. Good. I'm tired of looking at this hatchet-faced piece of shit. Take her pass to the final off her and give it to Jale. I don't even like Jale particularly, but I'd just like to see Helen's hard face crumble.
Winston is so incorrigibly gormless. I'm surprised he can understand a secret mission. Why is Winston making up a story about girls peeing on him and telling it to Danielle, of all people! Marlon: 'Did you do her afterwards?' Marlon is like a 12 year old boy. He seems women as an entirely different species. I hate him.
LOL to Winston's story to Jale about having a vomit cry wank. He did it quite straight faced. Apparently that's 'entirely normal' according to Jale. What the fuck?!
No offence (ha) but look at the state of Danielle. It's like she's trying to look as unappealing as possible, like she's modelling the Benefits Street collection. She's an UNDERWEAR model. Her body is her business. Put a fucking bit of mascara on! I don't get of bed looking that dishevelled, and I'm an absolute slob. I don't get it. Something is off with her. Maybe the model is her promiscuous twin sister? We're overdue a twin twist.
Too many targets in this house, and it's making it WAY too obvious Chris is the power housemate.
Steven is like a doomsday prepper going on endlessly about conspiracies, he's really getting on my nerves.
Why is everyone so OLD looking in this house? How can Steven be in his early 20s and Chris be 33? Chris is younger than me! He looks like a middle aged man.
LOL to Steven going on about his great vocabulary and then not knowing what verbose means. What a douche cake.
Marlon woke up from his nap to a nomination. Good - sexist knob. I am intrigued every time Matthew is on screen. I want to see lots more of his little robin red breast limbs.
LOL to Chris's gameplan falling to pieces as someone yells over the wall that 'Chris has got the power'. It was lucky that Christopher and Jale were out there although I'm not sure they won't say anything. Poor Chris, he's already under so much pressure, the poor sod. Aw, was sad when he said he was frightened.
Steven is always instigating when the mean kids are bitching; he's the new wooden spoon. I don't even know what Christopher and Toya are arguing about. It's boring, though.
That advert where the guy pours a glass of cider over himself is actually getting embarrassing now. Could they only afford the one take?!
Why is Jale being such a dick to Chris? 'I'm not a liar, I'm not a grass.' Well you have to be one or the other. Stop lording it with the one crumb of power you've had in two weeks.
Oh God, Steven is drunk and pulling out some smooth moves. Oh no, he's gone a bit weird and passive aggressive. Steven's agenda is to get in your pants, Kimberly. Ha, I like her saying 'spell it out' and then laughing at him when he DID spell it out. 'Physically, mentally, emotionally.' This is pure David Brent. is she cracking?!
OK so Jale is spilling the beans. Didn't take too long. OK, this has sealed it for me now, I don't like Jale, I just felt sorry for her, this is confirmed. So how did you go from promising not to tell anyone to telling everyone? You've just proved you can't be trusted. Meanwhile, Danielle is swilling round in the bath like a mangy dog on wash day crossed with that thing out of The Ring.
And I realise: I only like Chris and Matthew. 

Big Brother 2014: Sell-by gate

Pauline has been exercising for HOW LONG? And why is she doing it in the loo? And what has Jale done wrong today? Imagine having beef so early in the morning?!
Remember when Toya said she had a different personality depending on which weave she's wearing? Does this mean when she's got no weave on, this is her default setting? If so, put a fucking weave on already. Your normal personality is rotten.
Pauline is insulting Big Brother, now, too? Even henchman Mark isn't impressed. What is with Pauline today? Hide the knives.
I like the double act of Chris and Jale. I think Jale is wise enough to twig that being bullied in the house can only be a good thing for her long game. She just has to deal with it in the meantime.
Ash moaning that there there's no single girls in the house. Marlon: 'Why haven't they put any slut buckets in there?' Ash: 'I'd hate to have a girl who's a bit of a slut.' I am literally agoggles at that conversation. Is that really how some grown men talk? It makes me despair for society and humankind. They are both right on my shit list and never coming off.
Steven: 'I trust the British public.' To not put up Jale. Good luck with that. Has this guy not seen the writing on the wall yet? Tick tick tick, your time is coming, buddy! You don't decide who the big players are.
Step into the CGI cabinet. Why is Chris twitching about Kimberly or Ash? Neither are a threat, and one is a massive prick. He'd have been better off going after tinpot tyrant Toya.
So Chris gets to take Chris, Ash and Kimberly to dinner in the sweat box. Yawn.
I saw Winston on Eastenders earlier, serving up drinks for Sharon Watts. He's the mole, etc! Every time I see his gormless face now, I can't stop thinking about Sharon. He seems totally lost without Tamara, fiddling with some saucepans in the kitchen, when he could be fiddling with that idiot woman. You win some, you lose some.
Look at Ash talking to Kimberly like she's an equal when we all know what he really thinks about women. I will never look at him and Marlon in the same light again. I'm so glad Big Brother showed that.
The levels of paranoia in the house are getting annoying. I can't bear all the inaccurate speculation. 
Kimberly is so far out of Marlon's league it's unbelievable. She's right that Marlon treats her like a piece of meat, but I don't know how she knows that.
Marlon telling Kimberly to 'smile.' Always a winner. I love Kimberly giving it back to him. Oh my God, she HEARD those comments he made! She should complain to Big Brother. It's sexual harassment. He wouldn't even acknowledge what he had said was wrong. That is SO wrong, I feel so upset for her that she had to put up with that.
So Chris has put Ash up for eviction. I'd personally like to vote to evict that sexist twat this week, but I know it would be a wasted vote.
Mark and Pauline are having a row about chicken. Not chicken again. Sell-by date blues.
Oh my God, people on Twitter are actually saying because Kimberly poses nude she's a hypocrite for moaning that Ash and Marlon are talking about her like she's a piece of meat, as if the two are related in any way. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's like when Denise Welch pulled down the PJs of one of those Playboy twins and said 'well you get naked anyway.' It doesn't give someone else the right to strip them naked at any given point. If you think it does, you're crazy.
Ash's nomination sure ruined the party. What a shame. 
LOL the return of Slugsworth. Helen is becoming one of the biggest Big Brother villains of all time. Toya: 'Helen's not a spiteful person at all.' What is Toya smoking? Helen's blood is 100% proof poison. Helen on Jale: 'She looks like Sonia Jackson.' Ouch. A low blow indeed. Still, better than looking like an undertaker. I know who I'd rather be locked in a house with. What a deeply unpleasant episode.
Toya: 'People are intoxicated.' So can people say whatever they like if they're drunk? Is that the rule now? If so, God help you on my next podcast, Toya! God help you!

Big Brother 2014: She's six foot under already

So last night I missed Christopher's meltdown and Chris's secret nomination of him. When Chris went 'Am I nominated?' after Christopher's nomination flashed up, I thought that was inspired. I was surprised Chris nominated Christopher, I consider him to be on 'his side' so Christopher must be hella hard to live with. And Chris said he felt sorry for Christopher, then put him up!
Anyway, onto tonight. Danielle seems to have slipped under the radar again; I think she's wisely keeping her mouth shut.
Toya butt-kissing Pauline HARD. I don't get why her and Steven are SOOOOOO up her arsehole. Even MARK has seen through it! Mark! Matthew has her dead and buried already.
Christopher's having to sit through another person criticising him - Helen! Pauline's theory of why Tamara got evicted doesn't even make sense. Why would people VTE Tamara cos Pauline had beef with Jale?
Pauline, you're right, the vote to evict you is tactical. The power housemate doesn't want to live with you because you're batshit kerazzzzzy.
Kimberly referring to herself as stoic, ha. She's like Robocop when they take his dopamine away. I wish a 'smiling assassin' would take Mark out. With a sniper.
Chris: 'They swallow her bullshit and enjoy it just as much as the dinners.' Nice.I mean, obviously worked on, but nice. Chris is so normal. My boyfriend: 'He's just like someone off a course or something.' 
I can't understand this flirting task, secret mission or not. I'm not feeling the tasks this year. They seem somewhat half-arsed. Why not let us vote on the app for some decent ones?
What's Toya's problem? She's miserable as sin. She's really backed the wrong horses with Pauline and Helen this year. I don't get why Toya and Steven like Pauline so much! Arghhhhhhh!
LOL Chris put Steven up! That was my boyfriend's recommended nom nom. LOL, serves him right, lickspittle that he is. He's not taking it well, is he? He's such a giant bell end. I honestly don't know what his deal with Pauline is. Maybe his mum's dead or something? There's no rhyme or reason as to why he's so far up her crack.
Pauline: 'Jale wants 100K more than she wants self respect.' Where does this even come from? Is something happening that we're not even seeing? I doubt it because they'd show it, like they're showing lip balm wars. How does Jale keep so calm? I would have knocked her block off. Look at the group of Steven, Helen, Toya and Pauline; they look miserable as sin, speculating about who could hate them, but they can't decided because it's EVERYONE.
IT'S NOT UP TO YOU WHO'S UP FOR EVICTION, HELEN, YOU FUCKING HAG. Honestly, I can't put up with much more of this bullying bitch. She's so entitled, I can't bear it. I can't even look at her face anymore.
God, has anyone ever reacted so ridiculously to being nominated than Steven? This guy is the biggest numpty on the planet. You're not gonna get the power, Steven, because you CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH IT. You have BAD JUDGEMENT. And also, the 100K prize money you would blow on fireworks? If your popularity was doled out to you in them, you'd get about half a sparkler, you cunt.

Big Brother 2014: First blood

Hello! I'm a bit late tonight as I was out drinking and I'm a bit maudlin.That's going to make for a good blog/ pod.
LOL, Chris is the power housemate! I can't believe most people voted for him. But isn't it a secret this time? Fuck, if Pauline knew she'd be shitting it.
I like all the pastels in the bedroom. I like the colour scheme better than the housemates.
Pauline vs Jale and Chris sitting watching - interesting considering we now know he's got the power! Pauline: 'I'm not a discusser, I'm a statementer.' You're a cunt.
Pauline calling Jale passive aggressive was interesting. Jale is not passive aggressive at all. Why is Pauline pointing? Aggressive aggressive. 'I'll lock you down.' Prison talk. Lock Pauline down and throw away the key. Jale has the patience of a saint. Considering her VT, she's keeping extremely cool.
Danielle's mum looks amazing! Look at those eyebrows. That's clearly Danielle in a few year's time. That was a rather half-hearted chant of 'Get Danielle out.'
Jale got some cheers. Jale has played a good game this week. 'Get Pauline out.' LOL. Ooh, Tamara's mum got a big boo. She's like a hybrid of Gail Platt/ Debbie McGee.
Mark was so fake when he was talking to Winston it was unbelievable. He was probably thinking about his next back, sack and crack.
LOL, Christopher is finally daring to speak to Pauline. Might as well talk to the wall, she doesn't listen. Still, at least she's opened his yap to the actual person at last. Everything Pauline says about other people is actually about herself. I've not seen someone projecting so much in ages.
I'm not surprised Jale is crying in the face of that antagonistic old bag Pauline. Shit, even Mark is turning against Pauline! If that fucking prick has seen it, Pauline's game is really up.
Can we see something else instead of Pauline running her mouth? Look how depressed everyone looks around that table. She's sucking the fun right out of that house.
What's that PVC chamber Winston and Tamara are in? I've never seen that before. Is it the sweaty box? It looks too hot in there.
Did Winston's clothes shrink in the wash? Square plates at that dinner, I note, a touch a touch of class. This date is so awkward. Look at Winston's teeth? That man is not good looking. He looks completely gormless. She is gross as well. She looks 40, not 23. When Ash went in to tell the others they were kissing it was the most childish thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, Chris is being let loose in the CGI cabinet. LOL to Chris feeling 'deeply uncomfortable' about having the power. He should be grateful! He says he's not going to let us down. I hope he's right.
Pauline is doing some serious victim blaming here. I think Pauline is deranged. She's 100% guaranteed to go next week if Chris puts her up, and I'm sure he will.
Danielle: 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go.' Big Brother cliches 101. Apparently Pauline is 'an inspiration'. For a murder spree.
How can Pauline ignore someone asking to have a word with her? What a bitch. Christopher has gone all red in the face. Jale has got Pauline spot on. LOL Christopher was going to say SORRY to her?! Is he a nut?
LOL the crowd are shouting 'get Pauline out.' and the house can hear it clear as day. Hilarity. I couldn't keep a straight face if I was in there and Pauline got called out.
LOVE Helen calling the eviction crowd LOSERS! She knows how to rally support, doesn't she? OMG what a bitch! It did make me ROFL though, unlike that task. And did Ash say 'on a nice summers day have they got nothing better to do than stand out there?' Who would vote for these people to win after that?
HAHAHAHA I can't believe Tamara went out on a vote to evict! My vote DID count! She looked so shocked too. She was a real victim of circumstance because she wasn't that awful, but she got on the wrong side of the divide. It was a power move by the great British public. I'm so glad we won't have to watch that showmance 'blossom'. Nice work for a bunch of losers, hey?
I find Tamara so uninteresting. I'm so glad she's gone. She didn't do anything bad, but she didn't do ANYTHING. There was nothing to say about her interview.
Ha, Chris is nominating in the toilet. And he nominated Pauline. Class. It's no more than she deserves. Chris is putting his glasses on so he can see Pauline's screwface better when the noms are announced.
Who went 'what?' when it was announced Pauline was up? Yeah, I mean, who could Pauline have upset? They're gonna think it's Jale.
Mark is a bit stupid calling the power housemate a 'nasty gobshite' when he could be the next nomination. I thought Chris did act that quite well, especially the wince as if he thought it might be him.
No shit it's a revenge ting, Pauline. And revenge is SWEET.

Big Brother 2014: I'm not one to just lose my cool

Happppppppppppy! I'd rather be woken up to the sound of a baby crying that aural monstrosity. Pharrell; so much to answer for.
Do you think those tablets have got wifi? I prefered the chalkboard. Less chance of accidentally looking on Twitter or Paddy Power.
Toya and Steven have been designated the positivity police. Give someone a uniform and watch them go mad with power, as Littlejohn says, lol. Freddie's nemesis Bea would have been good at this task. 'Are we going to have a positive or negative day?' Cut to Freddie getting evicted.
How tall is Helen?! She looks twice the size of everyone else in that chair. Oh, is she actually sorry? I doubt it very much. I think she just thinks she should look/act sorry - probably because she's had a tell off. She's right about one thing, though; Danielle doesn't know who she is. But does Helen know who she is? You better know yourself little girl, etc.
Mark is so shallow, yet so annoying. I can't bear him, he's just an eyebrow instead of a personality.
Danielle is not one to just lose her cool. Really?!That must have been 20 years worth of build up.
Tamara is so vacuous. Going on about her fake tits, blah. Makes me ashamed of my own sex.
Dear Big Brother gods, please save us from the electric shock suits. It's getting embarrassing. Is the task team comatose? Kimberly feels no pain. Have they lowered the voltage this year? Shame.
These thin fake smiles during the task are quite amusing. Why did Ash say Kimberly was the most fake when half the people in there have got fake knockers. I hate the way we treat the American housemates. We always alienate them! And they're always cool. Like Stephen Baldwin.
Chris is brave saying anything to contradict Helen slagging off Kimberly. Not sure what's going on with Christopher and Pauline here. I think Christopher has got the hump with a few people. He'd probably make a decent power housemate but I'm worried he'd put up Matthew.
Kimberly was trying to smooth things over last night, Helen, you odious skank.
I'm one hundo percent voting to evict Tamara now. Her side of the house needs slaying. 'Taking it on board' -sorry, that slot is taken, rubber face.
Marlon is a waste of air. He's got no game, in or out of the house.
I don't know why Big Brother feels the need to ape inferior reality shows, ie. I'm a Celeb. The only time it was good was with Marcellas and the chicken livers in BBUS. I'm not even watching this task, let alone commenting on it.
Who chose Danielle and Christopher to go camping? I wasn't paying attention. LOL liking the rain.
Interesting; Christopher doesn't like Helen or Pauline. Good. I'd love to see more of the things he says. I know it's a broken record but I wish we had live feed so I could work out exactly who's on which side.
Why is Toya bagging Christopher? Christopher's not got a gameplan, he's got a brain. He's a sensible person. And quite an interesting one. Why is Toya hitching her apple wagon to Pauline's rickety old ride? The wheels are coming off. At least Jale knows her own mind and sticks to it. Too many flip-floppers/ fencesitters in that house. Too many lazy sunbathers. Time to give them a REAL shock.

Big Brother 2014: I feel like I've let my country down

Tamara: 'I like your hair like that' to Winston. I don't like Winston's hair like anything. It's shocking. Winston seems harmless, though. If Danielle wanted to do something really useful for womankind, she'd tell him off for saying bird. She probably thinks it's endearing, though.
Why does Kimberly like Danielle? I don't get it. Kimberly seems sane. I don't get this whole suitcase thing. I didn't even know they didn't even have their suitcases. Don't care much either. Shred, shred shred.
Danielle doesn't want sex talk 'in the presence of ladies.' Who does she think she is, David Walliams? She needs a parasol to hide under. Pass the smelling salts, m'lady!
I've realised evicting Tamara is the only way to stick it to Helen's crew; they've got the numbers and they need cutting down. Tamara is pretty harmless so far, but imagine the faces. It's worth it for that alone.
More finger blasting talk. I've never heard this expression before Big Brother. It's pretty grim, like someone's stripping wallpaper. Danielle: 'Lads will be lads' but apparently there's different rules for what women can talk about. She's not really helping herself, is she. Every part of me wants to evict her. But I know I'll regret it!
This task is obviously going to be shameful. I wouldn't 'act sexy' cos Big Brother told me to. Fuck, now I sound like Danielle.
Kimberly reminds me of Courtney Stodden moaning about her clothes. Toya is rocking the blue lipstick. I've never seen anyone work blue or black lipstick, hats off.
Pauline is just being cruel lording it over her power. I hope she's up next week. Ooh, we're onto the noms already. Mark and Helen looked upset Tamara was up, so that's a good reason to ditch Tamara. Ugh, Pauline's smug face again! It was bad enough last time.
OK, so Danielle started it with 'maybe it's cos I'm not being a fucking slag.' At least we know now. Oh it was Steven that shitstirred and told the others! Naughty. It's always a guy in the middle doing that and then they walk away all innocent!
Ha, Danielle immediately denying what she said. 'Fuck off you fucking idiot, do you know who you're talking to.' LOL. Helen: 'Get a wash and a hairbrush, you fat bitch.' Charming.
Surely 'I'm going to knock her out' is a threat? Revoke the pass to the finals! We can't put up with this woman until the finals. At least Doolally Danielle is entertaining. Helen is just rough.
Danielle is cracking up in the diary room because she knows her mask has slipped. Danielle wasn't calling Helen a slag specifically, I don't think. I think she was just calling all the sexually active women slags, lol.
How has Danielle got so many friends in the house, I just don't get it? There's nothing likeable about her, she's drab in mind, body and spirit. Are they seeing something we don't? Is it in the edit?
What is Pauline going on about?! She's the wooden spoon and then some. Jale IS actually handling herself well. Pauline is just Vinnie Jones in a dress. Well, jeggings.
I'm glad Chris isn't afraid to be honest about Pauline in the DR. I hope he has the balls to nominate her. There's going to be a serious divide this year and you need to make sure you're on the right side of the crack, fast. And if the wrong person gets the power next, God help us, and God help the viewing figures. Kimberly; good luck trying to get some sense out of that rotten old cunt Helen. I can't bear people who won't accept people's apologies. It takes a lot to apologise. Helen is a gigantic bitch in more ways than one. She is a humourless giraffe. Helen: "I don't want your apology, stick it up your fucking arse.' Danielle's best response to this would have been, 'What, like you did with Wayne Rooney's cock?' But she's too classy (!) for that. Now I've sunk to this level. See what this show does to you?
BBashleigh seems like she might be alright, you know, if she ever gets to fucking speak. I still don't get why her and Kimberly are hanging round with Danielle, she a dead woman walking. The bitchy crowd are going to gang up on them and it's going to be game over, just like what happened to Benedict and Lauren.
I guess BB is going to have to fix who gets the next power, right? Let's hope it's someone with the sense to put Pauline up, and watch her minions disperse.

Big Brother 2014: If you don't like it, fuck off

Oh no, the blokes in the house haven't got their hands down their trousers already, have they? There was someone in Big Brother Canada who couldn't stop scratching himself, it was the ultimate in gross.
I want to try that Ultimate Blends shampoo - good advertising.
Why did Dexter ever go near this fucking munt? She's worse than Charlie 'yeah yeah yeah' Travers.
I don't know who's up for noms cos I've not looked on my timeline on Twit! I prefer not to know!
Danielle nommed Matthew; typical, my favourite person! And Steven, also a good character, if an enormous penis. I'm surprised she didn't nominate the girls, she seems like that sort. Imagine referring to vaginas as your 'reproductive system'! Sexy times.
Andrew is nominating Danielle right back and getting her name wrong. I love his skinny snarkiness. Ooh and Jale, too. Perfect. LOL is Andrew standing up for Pauline?! I thought he was going to destroy her!
I have to agree with Toya's nomination for Marlon, hands down pants is gross, but Christopher?! Come on now. What he said was spot on. Of ALL the people in the house to nominate, why choose him!
Why isn't EVERYONE nominating Danielle? I do not understand. She's a fun ruiner of the highest order. Ditch her!
Christopher is nominating Danielle, thank God. Probably because she's a homophobe. Oh no, Christopher nominated Matthew. Boo. I keep calling Matthew Andrew. I don't know why.
Helen nominated Jale for eye-roll gate. She also nominated Ashleigh, probably for being young and pretty. I've heard Ashleigh say a few things already, she doesn't seem reserved to me.
Kimberly nommed Tamara for being rude. Fair dos. She also nominated Ash. Good. I'd like to see him sweat. I like Kimberly. She seems sensible.
Pauline and Jale are butting heads already. I hate women who think it's OK for men to eat like pigs but when a woman tries to eat the same amount she gets told off. Pauline was not 'joking', Mark, you lickspittle. He is so far up Pauline's arse I'm surprised his sunglasses aren't getting steamed up.
Marlon nominated Toya, whilst wearing not enough clothes. I'm glad he nominated Mark, though. Although I hate Mark and Marlon pretty much equally.
Winston was in a relationship for ten years! That's a shocker. Maybe he has more depth than we thought? Maybe?!
Chris nommed Tamara. I don't want Tamara to go. He also nominated Winston! What's the fucking point?! Winston is going nowhere.
I really hope Pauline gives the killer nomination to Jale and not Chris, although I still think it's unfair on Jale.
Why is Mark nominating Kimberly? There's so many arseholes in there! I just don't get it. It's not that hard to pronounce Jale if you listen and show someone a bit of respect.
Oh bloody hell, Tamara is nominating Jale, too. And Kimberly! Why isn't anyone nominating Danielle! FFS. Yeah it is dumb for you to say 'do chick peas grow on a bush', Tamara. I thought you were meant to have a high IQ?
DID Jale have a big lunch? Can anyone deny or confirm? It's unfair to call out a fat person for being greedy, it's demeaning, a bit like being called Slugsworth.
Winston's nominations: Marlon (his competition) for being 'too nice'. Ha. Oh at last someone else nominates Danielle. 'Seems a bit miserable at times'?! That's a gross understatement.
Ash nominated Danielle (yes!) and also BBAshleigh for going to bed early. Christ, there's so many people moaning in that house. They've been in there a few days. Get a grip!
Tamara saying Jale 'looks a bit thick' just sounds cruel. Jale nominated Steven and... er, I've written Jale, so that can't be right.
Hmm, Ashleigh nominated Tamara, too. Interesting. Tamara is obviously a bit cliquey. Oh, Ashleigh nominated Winston too. Again; what is the point?!
Steven nominated Jale. And Chris for his VT and the pissing comment! For God's sake. The poor sod. Steven is being pretty camp in the diary room.
Ooh, Danielle, Jale and Tamara up. All women. Big Brother never lets us down, does it? I have noticed everyone talking all over each other, too. It's worse than my podcast.
I like Matthew, he's so awk. Ooh, Toya is sizing up the memory wall. She's a shrewd one.
Chris and Danielle moaning about being there. Yawn.
I hate the way Jale talks. She's so monotone. I wouldn't trust Matthew if I were her. He's probably going to report back to the mother crone.
Uh oh, porno talk. Steven likes gangbangs. Ash and Marlon can't concentrate on threesomes, haha. Poor things. I don't think I would discuss what porn I watch on TV.  It's a bit TMI. But I have no objection to others doing it. Whatever floats your boat, I'm a bit of a prude, but no Danielle.
Plus, Danielle, you're a topless model. That's just a form of sex work, isn't it? PS: You've got the face you deserve. A screw face.
And now for the Big Brother live surprise. Not gonna be much of a surprise as pretty obvious Pauline is going to nominate Jale. Unless she won't be able to, because Jale is already up? Then it will be Chris.
Ooh, dimmed lights, drama.
I like Toya's blue lipstick but can you imagine someone squawking 'I need a piss' at Julie Chen? Have some decorum, woman!
Is Danielle REALLY that surprised about being up for eviction? Talk about no self awareness.
Look how smug Pauline looks about her killer nomination. Jale will stay - no doubt about it. At least say sorry, for fuck's sake, Pauline.You've not got the power anymore!
So the next power housemate will be undercover, like the MVP (most valued player) in BBUS (or like the MVP should have been if it wasn't a fix).
Jale is handling it quite well, I think I'd cry.  Big Brother is being quite tricksy here because this is going to cause major ructions. It's not great either way because I don't like Jale, but I hate what they've done to her too, so I'm forced to back her up. Save Slugsworth! Let's give Pauline a shock.
Ooh, they're arguing! Sweet! I thought Danielle didn't swear?! She just said 'fuck' about 50 times.
Did Pauline just say Danielle and Tamara aren't going anywhere?! THIS IS WHY WE NEED LIVE FEED! What happened in that ad break?! This is exciting!
Helen sounds like she's being a cunt, but she's got a point about Danielle swearing. I can't work out what's going on or who's on who's side! I need a diagram with red string on pinpointing the alliances! Who did Danielle call a slag? I hate the word slag, I hate it so much. It's just hate speech against women as far as I'm concerned and even worse out of other women's mouths, especially people who strip off for a living. Can't we just let each other do whatever we want without propping up the patriarchy?
Helen calling Danielle a 'morbid, miserable ugly bitch.' Weeeeeeelll.
And then it ends. It's like someone switching off a good film. And still we watch. And still we moan.

Big Brother 2014: I've got me fanny spray

Can't they show different highlights to the ones they show on BOTS? Surely another ten minutes of things worth happening must have happened in 24 hours. Cheapskates. Lazy fuckers. Also, why can't we have the three measly hours of live feed they gave us online during the worst CBB season ever (the one the bedwetter won)? So stupid. If someone with half a brain ran that show they could make fortunes.
I like Jale's pyjamas; shame she's such a dick. Helen's more than being 'stand offish', Slugsworth, she's coined a nickname for you that you will probably stick longer than 'Halfwit'. God, everyone is moaning already! STFU. Did you want to want to be in the Big Brother house or not?! Suck it up!
Pauline is stirring the pot most literally and metaphorically. Toya is using 'fanny spray' - watch out for thrush there. Someone had a yeast infection on Big Brother Canada; Toya could be next.
God, the first lot are being so nasty about the second lot! You were only in there a day earlier, you'd think they owned the place. Mark: 'There's no one I'm worried about being up against.' Hello Sezar/ Dustin. I hope you're wrong because you're really starting to get on my wick.
Danielle is so CLASSY, with her topless pics, sex chat phonelines and kiss and tells on Dexter. I have no problem with anyone doing topless modelling, but I have a major problem with someone being such a dried up sour-faced hypocrite.
Chris's VT is getting him into more trouble than Callum's! Poor sod. Talk about Lord of the Flies.
Pauline vs Jale is going to be a power struggle, and I've never liked Jale, and I've gone right off Pauline. It's like having two Carole's in the house.
Helen and Mark are also being prize arseholes. My opinions on people have changed so much in a couple of days, who knows what I'll be saying next week. Something equally nasty no doubt.
Why did Pauline choose Danielle to take for lunch? Why has Mark got sunglasses on? Why are Mark and Helen being rewarded twice? I think Christopher does have a point to be honest - Pauline should have chosen differently and also more strategically - ie. to make even more people like her.
I look less slobby than Danielle when I'm hanging out in my living room and she's a lingerie model? She is dog rough, and I wouldn't say that unless she was odious. You think on your second day in the house you'd put your fucking make up on at least. You're on telly! (Sexist)
WHAT CHRIS SAID WAS A JOKE! FFS how thick ARE you people?! Pauline is fucking LORDING it. This is a pure bitch fest.
Winston to Tamara: 'Come in with the Winsmeister' - I think I'd rather get in the bath with Dappy. Together Tamara and Winston they've got too many teeth. They're like velociraptors.
Danielle kiss of death to Jale: 'You're a really nice person.'
I like Toya's turn of phrase: 'You know what really got under my weave.' Pauline has made a big boo boo inviting Helen, Mark and Danielle into that room. She's gonna be up sooner rather than later.
Why aren't people calling Danielle out on her hate speech? They barely even raised an eyebrow. Oh, Marlon and Kimberly actually got up and walked off. Still; they should have said something. An opinion that denies people their civil rights is really worth challenging. Disappointing. Someone tell Christopher!
Oh, it's a classic shitstir task - lining them up in order of most attractive etc. Why is Pauline in control again? OVEREXPOSED!
Mark proud that he doesn't know what manipulative or obnoxious means, the thick twat. Did these people even go to school? Why is Matthew getting such a rum deal in this task?! Boo.
Pauline could throw some of the new housemates a bone, FFS. Why do the three who went to the lunch get to go to a party, too? Oh, to piss people off. I'm surprised she picked Matthew. Maybe she's feeling guilty about the box.
Oh Helen, are you really that STUPID about Chris! Do you not understand SARCASM? You thick piece of shit. Oh dear, so much hate already.
I like Jale's jumper as well. Is Jale my new fashion icon? I didn't like her red dress on launch night, though. I'm not insane.
I love watching people dance, it's the lols. Why has Ash got his sunglasses on at the dinner table? Manners! Douche alert. Matthew wants the power! I want Matthew to have the power.
Oh my God, people are getting DRUNK in the Big Brother house! Danielle: 'I'm not used to all that nonsense.' What, people enjoying themselves? No wonder this bitch has got a face like a wet weekend, she's never had a laugh in her life.
Anyway, a house full of pricks does make for good entertainment. But also high blood pressure. And it's only just begun. God help us.

Big Brother 2014: Launch Show (again)

Evening! I'm going to try and be more positive tonight. Tee hee!
I've decided I like the wanker in the box the best. Let's face it, it's a power move being up there, as everyone has to come out and talk to you, no matter how much he gripes. They should have just picked one of the boxes up in a crane and thrown it over the Borehamwood borders. He's clearly a complete bastard but I love a sarky posho.
Mark: 'I'm not having this.' Fine, don't have the five grand, then. I liked Pauline mimicking him.
Matthew was hardly 'completely excluded', people were talking to him all night.
Pauline to Matthew: 'You'll get over it.' Matthew: 'You will be sorry.' Matthew is not taking it in very good humour.
Winston and Steven sizing up the women like they're prize cattle. This pair are unbearable. They make the metrosexual empty brainboxes of of series' past like Dale, Kris and Luke S look likeable. Hair watch: Steven has a comb over, and who knows what's going on with Winston's head. The amount of plucked male eyebrow in that house is upsetting.
Bidet talk! Very posh.
Andrew: 'People always have bad impressions of me.' Why could that be, I wonder, as he sits there sulking and frowning at everyone, whilst making veiled threats and adding 'just kidding'?
Who does Danielle model for, the Innovations catalogue? She looks like fucking Grotbags. Ugly inside and out.
Tamara looks like a not-much-younger Katie Hopkins in her memory wall pic.
Matthew 'wouldn't even want the power.' OK then.
Who's pissed on the toilet seat!? Christopher! That was a short whodunnit. I suppose it's good he admitted it, but why do that?! Gross. If there's ever poo on the loo seat, he's the prime suspect.
Tamara is finding Danielle and Helen 'monotonous'. It's the first night! Her type is 'good looking and stupid'. Unlucky on both counts in there, then.
LOL to Danielle putting a dampener on Kimberly wanting to get naked. Spoilsport!
Stockbroker talk with Winston and Danielle. High brow. She likes a real 'man's man.' Why the fuck is she talking to this walking douche-monger then?
Steven looking Kimberly up and down as he's talking to her. Ugh. Steven: 'I've been to 190 countries.' Chat up line of the year.
Kimberly: 'I wouldn't say I'm intelligent but I've just finished my Masters.' Way to insult yourself. Guessing people's age! Dangerous.
Pauline is quite shrewd saying she's only got the power for one night. But how long can she get away with that?
OMG Pauline gets to give a new housemate a pass to the BB final! So whoever she picks, we have to put up with them all summer. I hope she doesn't give it to Mark, I'm finding him a bit fake. It's a bit unfair on the second lot as she's not met them. Would it have been better if she'd got to kick one out? Pauline needs to keep Matthew because she could beat him at the end. Strategy! She's bound to give it to someone she's bonded with over the past 24 hours. I trust her decision more than most.
New housemates! Toya. The UK's Ika (BB Canada reference for you there). 'Momma didn't raise no fool.' She's got 'dictatorish' tendencies. I like Toya, she's not going to take any prisoners. She has a 'different personality for each of her weaves.' I hope she takes some of these 'first night' girls down.
Chris is in next. 'I'm going to be a right misery in the house.' Great opening line. Pound shop Dom Joly. He's gonna 'urinate in the kitchen.' Sandy's already done that. He seems like a 'normal person.' Ugh, Chris is creeping up to Emma. I'm glad she gave him the cheek. We're getting Jack and Joe's dad vibes here.
Next in is Ashleigh. Oh no, Northern Irish accent. I can't deal with it. Pretty, though. The other girls (Tamara and Danielle) will hate her.
This lot already seem like a better bunch than last night. Mind you, you could put the Westboro Baptist Church lot in there and they'd probably be more charming than Danielle, Matthew and Steven. They'd have the signs ready made for outside, too.
Is Pauline getting to see the VTs (technical talk) too?
Next in is Marlon. He works 'in optics.' Is that opticians or behind a bar? 'Marlicio'. How can he be straight wearing that studded vest? I can't bear all these metrosexuals. It really signals to me the end of humanity. Men should be hairy and a bit dirty. I would rather go celibate than sleep with a man that uses hairspray, has skinny jeans or plucks his eyebrows.
Next housemate! Ash is a male model. 90s hair. Is that in vogue? He's like Ziggy 2.0. It's not you, it's me. I like the zoom in on the boat shoes. All boat shoes should be incinerated, all in one huge bonfire, tonight. Start gathering them up. Quicker!
Jale is the last house mate in. Oh great, a gobby fat person. She's taking healing crystals into the house. Wolfy times!
Pauline IS getting to see the VTs! Interesting. That's a LOT of power. Minority report times!
Why does Pauline like Ash so much? He was talking just as much smack. I had a suspicion she would pick Helen. It will give her a chance to show that she's more than just someone who slept with Wayne Rooney too. I wonder who her other choice would have been?
I suppose it would be frightening to be given a free pass to the final in a way as you'll never know if you're liked. But then again! She'll have a big target on her back, but it don't matter. She can just treat everyone like shit and they can't evict her! Bhahaha.
Aw that's so cute that Pauline and Helen crying. They are obviously genuine people.
OMG Pauline is going to be able to nominate the same person every week! I'm not sure about that. Unless it's Danielle. I suppose if she nominates a big enough arsehole they will go anyway.
So I guess the moral of the story is: be nice to Pauline. And if you haven't already; be very afraid.

Big Brother 2014 Launch show: Power trip

Hey! I've forgotten how to write a blog. I'm drunk from the get go, which is folly as the only way to go is down. Still, I'll give it a go. I've done it for enough years! A friend of mine is at the launch show. I will be scaling the crowd for his lovely face. Ah, the familiarity of the crowd noise and the theme tune. It's like a comfort blanket.
The power is in our hands! If you say so. Remember once on BBUS when the clue to the question was 'the power is up for grabs?' WE DO. It was hard.
Ooh look at the house, it looks all day glo. I don't look at the pictures early, I prefer to see it on the night. I don't see the point of a toilet that washes you. There's no camera in the loo anyway.  House looks quite good. That was a really short house tour, which is good.
DR chair does look good, I must admit, looks like something from Alton Towers.
Tamara is the first housemate: 'I revel in power and control.' Eh? She's like some cunt from The Apprentice. She doesn't like housewives and men are disposable. She's happy to backstab or be ruthless, lol. Boooooo!
Ugh, BB is telling me what to hashtag. Get to fuck. Tamara is bringing brains and beauty. What about the brawn? 'Hates veggies, animal rights people and the unemployed.' Cut to Swampy entering the house.
What's Emma Willis wearing!? Looks like Julie Chen's cast offs.
Mark is in next. He's a visual merchandiser. Yellow jacket. What? HD brows. LOL. His accent is bugging. Someone went 'whatever' when he walked in. Enough said. He gave Tamara a super fake hug. They both look like a right pair of arseholes.
Next in is Helen. Another wannabe. Oh she fucked Wayne Rooney. Why is she in the normal version, doesn't that make her a 'celeb', ha? I hope they have some normal people. I don't want all these fake people. People aren't booing her that bad. She likes animals! Don't tell Tamara. LOL to her and Tamara wearing virtually the same dress.
Next is Steven. Another Apprentice contestant! I get the power thing but yawn. He's got the car. He's got the house. He's got the ankle swingers. He's got the paperwork. He's got the sunglasses. He's 23 going on 40. A posh Jay Mcray.
One housemate to rule them all! Will it be Danielle? I doubt it. Another businesswoman! Doesn't believe in sex before marriage or same sex marriage. A thick cunt then. And ugly, too. Claims to have the 'moral high ground.' Self proclaimed moral high ground is always dangerous. She's come as a fucking leprechaun. If she had to eat one food forever it would be caviar or lobster. Can't add up to one.
Next is Winston. He's a 'bit more smarter'. Why are they are business people?! Bugging. 'Fit birds' - ugh. This seems like the worst cast in a long time. It's quite nightmarish so far. Alan Sugar would kick these slippery little mugs into touch.
Matthew doesn't like thick people. Unlucky! 'Well everyone has cleaners, don't they?' Loafers. Cardie. Rude to waiters. My favourite! He's actually the most interesting so far. He looks like he could do with a good meal. He's got no arse. I think he wants to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint. He looks really nervous and green.
Next in is Kimberly. Never trust someone who can't spell their own name. American, Playboy model and business brain. What is military theory? She might be a master strategist. Where's the thickos and the geeks?
Christopher seems more normal than the others. Did he say he was a dairy farmer and a journalist, or am I tripping? He hates people who are devoid of personality. I love them. His idols are Madonna and John Snow. Maybe he likes jazzy socks. He reminds me of Aaron.
Pauline is the last housemate of the night aged 49. At least she's different to the others in that she's a rapper and not a faux business twat. She did the crap rap on Shocked by Kylie. That was a bad album.
I don't like Big Brother when there's no one I can get behind, I don't enjoy it (see Big Brother Canada 2).
I don't want to vote for one housemate to have the power but at a push and against the clock, I voted for Christopher. It was him or Matthew.
My TV isn't letting me pause which is annoying, as I have 5% free. What's the deal!
Jazzy P has got the HOH key! She can't understand simple instructions, though. Hold on, who the fuck is Iris? It's like POD on Snog, Marry, Avoid.
Pauline, punish Danielle! I think she'll make the right decision, she seems quite sensible. She's rewarding Mark, I thought she would, she laughed when he spoke. She chose to punish Matthew as he said he was intolerant, and I think she heard that as racist, which is fair enough! I don't like that room she's in, it looks duff, like Knightmare.
They have to step inside two boxes. My boyfriend predicts one as gunk and one as grab a grand. Matthew and Mark are having an eyebrow off! Mark should have to grab the cash. TARGET!
Matthew is getting sent to solitary confinement! He's gotta do a Dan Gheesling and turn it to his advantage. 
So six more housemates tomorrow night. Let's hope we get some nice people, for fuck's sake. These arseholes don't look like they have a sense of humour between them.
Well the twist wasn't too offensive, but wasn't exactly original either. Bring on tomorrow. Unimpressed so far, but that means nothing. See you on Spreaker (I hope!)