Monday, 9 June 2014

Big Brother 2014: If you don't like it, fuck off

Oh no, the blokes in the house haven't got their hands down their trousers already, have they? There was someone in Big Brother Canada who couldn't stop scratching himself, it was the ultimate in gross.
I want to try that Ultimate Blends shampoo - good advertising.
Why did Dexter ever go near this fucking munt? She's worse than Charlie 'yeah yeah yeah' Travers.
I don't know who's up for noms cos I've not looked on my timeline on Twit! I prefer not to know!
Danielle nommed Matthew; typical, my favourite person! And Steven, also a good character, if an enormous penis. I'm surprised she didn't nominate the girls, she seems like that sort. Imagine referring to vaginas as your 'reproductive system'! Sexy times.
Andrew is nominating Danielle right back and getting her name wrong. I love his skinny snarkiness. Ooh and Jale, too. Perfect. LOL is Andrew standing up for Pauline?! I thought he was going to destroy her!
I have to agree with Toya's nomination for Marlon, hands down pants is gross, but Christopher?! Come on now. What he said was spot on. Of ALL the people in the house to nominate, why choose him!
Why isn't EVERYONE nominating Danielle? I do not understand. She's a fun ruiner of the highest order. Ditch her!
Christopher is nominating Danielle, thank God. Probably because she's a homophobe. Oh no, Christopher nominated Matthew. Boo. I keep calling Matthew Andrew. I don't know why.
Helen nominated Jale for eye-roll gate. She also nominated Ashleigh, probably for being young and pretty. I've heard Ashleigh say a few things already, she doesn't seem reserved to me.
Kimberly nommed Tamara for being rude. Fair dos. She also nominated Ash. Good. I'd like to see him sweat. I like Kimberly. She seems sensible.
Pauline and Jale are butting heads already. I hate women who think it's OK for men to eat like pigs but when a woman tries to eat the same amount she gets told off. Pauline was not 'joking', Mark, you lickspittle. He is so far up Pauline's arse I'm surprised his sunglasses aren't getting steamed up.
Marlon nominated Toya, whilst wearing not enough clothes. I'm glad he nominated Mark, though. Although I hate Mark and Marlon pretty much equally.
Winston was in a relationship for ten years! That's a shocker. Maybe he has more depth than we thought? Maybe?!
Chris nommed Tamara. I don't want Tamara to go. He also nominated Winston! What's the fucking point?! Winston is going nowhere.
I really hope Pauline gives the killer nomination to Jale and not Chris, although I still think it's unfair on Jale.
Why is Mark nominating Kimberly? There's so many arseholes in there! I just don't get it. It's not that hard to pronounce Jale if you listen and show someone a bit of respect.
Oh bloody hell, Tamara is nominating Jale, too. And Kimberly! Why isn't anyone nominating Danielle! FFS. Yeah it is dumb for you to say 'do chick peas grow on a bush', Tamara. I thought you were meant to have a high IQ?
DID Jale have a big lunch? Can anyone deny or confirm? It's unfair to call out a fat person for being greedy, it's demeaning, a bit like being called Slugsworth.
Winston's nominations: Marlon (his competition) for being 'too nice'. Ha. Oh at last someone else nominates Danielle. 'Seems a bit miserable at times'?! That's a gross understatement.
Ash nominated Danielle (yes!) and also BBAshleigh for going to bed early. Christ, there's so many people moaning in that house. They've been in there a few days. Get a grip!
Tamara saying Jale 'looks a bit thick' just sounds cruel. Jale nominated Steven and... er, I've written Jale, so that can't be right.
Hmm, Ashleigh nominated Tamara, too. Interesting. Tamara is obviously a bit cliquey. Oh, Ashleigh nominated Winston too. Again; what is the point?!
Steven nominated Jale. And Chris for his VT and the pissing comment! For God's sake. The poor sod. Steven is being pretty camp in the diary room.
Ooh, Danielle, Jale and Tamara up. All women. Big Brother never lets us down, does it? I have noticed everyone talking all over each other, too. It's worse than my podcast.
I like Matthew, he's so awk. Ooh, Toya is sizing up the memory wall. She's a shrewd one.
Chris and Danielle moaning about being there. Yawn.
I hate the way Jale talks. She's so monotone. I wouldn't trust Matthew if I were her. He's probably going to report back to the mother crone.
Uh oh, porno talk. Steven likes gangbangs. Ash and Marlon can't concentrate on threesomes, haha. Poor things. I don't think I would discuss what porn I watch on TV.  It's a bit TMI. But I have no objection to others doing it. Whatever floats your boat, I'm a bit of a prude, but no Danielle.
Plus, Danielle, you're a topless model. That's just a form of sex work, isn't it? PS: You've got the face you deserve. A screw face.
And now for the Big Brother live surprise. Not gonna be much of a surprise as pretty obvious Pauline is going to nominate Jale. Unless she won't be able to, because Jale is already up? Then it will be Chris.
Ooh, dimmed lights, drama.
I like Toya's blue lipstick but can you imagine someone squawking 'I need a piss' at Julie Chen? Have some decorum, woman!
Is Danielle REALLY that surprised about being up for eviction? Talk about no self awareness.
Look how smug Pauline looks about her killer nomination. Jale will stay - no doubt about it. At least say sorry, for fuck's sake, Pauline.You've not got the power anymore!
So the next power housemate will be undercover, like the MVP (most valued player) in BBUS (or like the MVP should have been if it wasn't a fix).
Jale is handling it quite well, I think I'd cry.  Big Brother is being quite tricksy here because this is going to cause major ructions. It's not great either way because I don't like Jale, but I hate what they've done to her too, so I'm forced to back her up. Save Slugsworth! Let's give Pauline a shock.
Ooh, they're arguing! Sweet! I thought Danielle didn't swear?! She just said 'fuck' about 50 times.
Did Pauline just say Danielle and Tamara aren't going anywhere?! THIS IS WHY WE NEED LIVE FEED! What happened in that ad break?! This is exciting!
Helen sounds like she's being a cunt, but she's got a point about Danielle swearing. I can't work out what's going on or who's on who's side! I need a diagram with red string on pinpointing the alliances! Who did Danielle call a slag? I hate the word slag, I hate it so much. It's just hate speech against women as far as I'm concerned and even worse out of other women's mouths, especially people who strip off for a living. Can't we just let each other do whatever we want without propping up the patriarchy?
Helen calling Danielle a 'morbid, miserable ugly bitch.' Weeeeeeelll.
And then it ends. It's like someone switching off a good film. And still we watch. And still we moan.

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