Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Final - headache!

I like the sign saying 'Anyone but Speidi.' I don't like the series recap at the beginning, it should be at the end. Is it for people who haven't watched the whole series but want to watch the final? Can't see it somehow.
Here's all the ex-housemates we've grown to love. Oh. God, what a drabble. I only like Lacey.
Urgh, I hate the last minute pleas! I hope Toadie's out first. Spencer's eviction outfit seems to be a coat. Brian is wearing a green velvet jacket. Leprechaun times! I don't like Claire's ringlets, she looks like an overgrown child. Spencer should do the talking, not Heidi, as we learnt on the live feed last night, more of which later.
Here's the order I want them out: Ryan, Claire, Razor, Spontag, Rylan. Toadie's got some strategy there using his speech to say 'vote for Rylan'. That's some toadying right to the end!
There is SO MUCH Rylan backlash right now! But it don't matter, he still got this baby in the bag and I'll be £90 richer tonight.
Spencer: 'acquaintances.' What a grinch. I normally hate these last suppers, but this one was fantabulous. Here's what I learnt from the live feed last night: Spontag are lushes. And Spencer either pulled out the biggest strategy move in the whole of Big Brother, or actually cracked. Either way, it was absolutely AMAZING.
Razor said the 'friends not acquaintances' line as a comeback to Spencer; that adds a bit more context. He wasn't being nice, he was sniping. I loved it when they took an ad break when Toadfish did his speech on the live feed last night. Perfect timing for once.
Interesting to see how they'll cut Spencer's speech. Spencer's 'true heart' does not exist. The word 'cast' in Big Brother is just WRONG. Spencer: 'it's been very difficult for me to be awful.' LIES! OMG how could they cut out the kryptonite line? That was a bad edit of that speech because that was a truly revelatory moment. I love Razor and Rylan bitching after. It WAS a brilliant bit of acting. It even had me fooled for five seconds. But that edit was no reflection of it whatsoever. Big Brother DO want Rylan to win.
RYAN out now, please. Heidi should get someone to straighten that back bit of her hair.
OMG Razor in 5th! How did more people vote for Toadfish than him? I like the sign that says 'Milton Keynes' on tour. MK Ultra!
LOL look at Razor's girlfriend! She looks like a natural beauty. I wanted Razor to come third. Security! Security! Razor on Spontag: 'to be fair they're a bunch of fucking idiots.' I thought they were going to be BFFs for life?
They cut Razor's balls off after the puffa fish incident. We could have probably got more out of him. I wonder how Jim Davidson would have dealt with Speidi? We'll never know! At least we don't have to look at Razor's ballbags anymore. That lovely girlfriend can instead. Sorry, 'beautiful fiancee.'
OMG how did TOADFISH beat Claire? Neighbours must have more viewers than we thought. Or maybe his reverse psychology speech paid off. Toadfish looks stunned. Rylan's sob face, lol. Even Speidi broke out the chilly hugs where they stand a mile away from you and scrub themselves with antibacterial gel afterwards.
We're pontificating that Spencer always wears long sleeves because he's a self-harmer.
Oh, I get what's happening, people are voting for Ryan by accident when trying to vote for Rylan. It's the only explanation. I hope he doesn't win it on that basis.
I like Claire's red lipstick. Claire; you don't have a personality or a talent.
Is there any point Spontag having children... Claire really don't know. God, not the letters task again. I still don't get the fuss about the clapping. And I still want to know what was in Spontag's letter. Claire, shoulda woulda coulda. Whatever. You did NOTHING.
Even Claire don't want to commit to a duet with Rylan. Probably because he sings better than her.
Claire's getting the 'wub wubs' in her highlights. She don't deserve those.
Did Claire do better than H? I think she did. Wasn't he like sixth or something?
Have you ever seen three finalists sit so far apart? I've never seen such a lack a solidarity between the finalists. Shame, really.
My boyfriend said if Spiedi win it will be like when Rage Against the Machine beat Joe McElderry to number one, haha. True dat.
Rylan must be shitting himself that he's going to lose to those two. So am I, I really need that money. I WOULD like to see Rylan's face if Spontag won. And to hear all the booing.
Ryan's interview is going to be the zzzz. Brian's got his brolly up!
Look how far apart Rylan and Speidi are sitting! It's like my old counselling sessions where she sat so far apart from me I stopped going because it freaked me out. Rylan looks heartbroken, bless him! He wanted to be in the final two with Claire from Steps. Heidi, let Spencer speak, you idiot, he's the brains, you're the... er, something.
I don't believe Ryan really came third. It's C5 skullduggery. FIX, lol. Toadie's backing Rylan! He really hates Speidi, doesn't he?
What's this billionaire friends thing? Are Spontag's billionaire friends based in the UK? I thought they didn't have any friends? This is like Natalie Cassidy thinking her fans forgot to vote.
Toadie: RESPECT THE VOWS! Changed his tune, didn't he. PS: stop exercising, you're freaking Claire out. Can't believe they didn't show him saying 'respect the vows' in his highlights. That was hilarious.
HE DID IT! Rylan needs a pillow to cry into. He needs a Scherzinger to wipe his face on. Thank God. Good beat evil. My boyfriend put his finger on it when he said they even ruined his final moment because he had no one to cling to.
Drop Speidi out! Yay! That picture of them is creepy. I hope Speidi lets Spencer speak during this interview. How is Brian going to deal with this pair?! What was the music they played when they left? Spencer on the chants: 'It's not loud enough.' LOL to the sign saying 'run for The Hills.'
Heidi didn't answer that question as to whether they were playing the game. 'Two of the most disgusting housemates ever.' Spencer on being called 'the gruesome twosome.' 'The author of the headlines are brilliant...' haha.
Are the ex-housemates rabble-rousing! Fencesitter unite! About time. Heidi's clapping was taken out of context, ha.
Haha, to Spencer saying 'we knew it was a secret mission the second they said we won a viewer's vote.' Hehe! He's always clicking on the polls. Love it. Spencer unrepentant: 'you try living with them.'
Why can't we see Rylan up close in the background? That's one of my favourite things when the runner up is on. Look at all the other housemates gurning! Fuck you, you provided ZERO entertainment.
Didn't Michael Madsen come second?
WUB WUB! 'Shut up, Toadman!' Show him CRYING at the end! Show them jerking off! Can't believe they didn't show the JERK OFF in the highlights. Worried about the lawyers, methinks.
Aw, nice to see Rylan win in his wispy top and his leather trahsis. I never doubted him. Why aren't they playing Gangnam Style (legal issues).
Dowling, watch your back. Rylan could steal your camp crown! I love Rylan all emoshe. And Brian kissing him on the lips, how cute.
Rylan's paid me back the money I spent on him on X Factor AND Big Brother - yay.
Brian in the house memories! I don't remember Heidi and Spencer saying they were delighted Rylan had won. I don't see Heidi and Spencer standing in the rain with the other housemates. They're probably consulting with their lawyers.
Heidi: 'X Factor reject.' Haha, I never caught her saying that before.
Spencer and Heidi are standing out in the rain! With their umbrellas! I like the way 'made for each other' is both an insult and a compliment.
I LOVED one word to describe Heidi and Spencer: 'headache.' That's Rylan at his best.
LOL to 'Claire Richards: Slave to Food' and 'I get to meet H as well.' Don't count on it.
Things I love about Rylan: how he says 'row', 'house'. He also looked embarrassed about what he said about Heidi and cock. Oh stop moaning about getting stick, Rylan, you got loads of support!
It would have been better if Rylan had got the call from Barlow or Scherzinger! Rylan's mum is 'PRAAD of him'. And do you know what, so am I. 
(PS: where's the fireworks?! It's all gone a bit Crystal Maze with the golden tickets.)
We're gonna do a podcast now. And I'm VERY drunk. Thanks for reading - have a good night.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Pebble-dashed

So in the interests of 'research' I decided to do a quick Hills binge before I have to cancel my Netflix this week. I skipped most of the stuff with Lauren; I don't like her at all, and I can't STAND that Whitney and her weird owl face. I don't like scripted reality shows full stop, if I want to watch bad acting, I'll watch Doctors. Basically, I was only interested in what the deal was with Heidi and Spencer, and now I'm up to season 3, episode 3, it has become abundantly clear. She was totally and utterly brainwashed by him. He cut her off from her friends in classic style, making her think it was her decision, forcing her to move in with him, and then proposing within a year. All massive red flags. She looked sad from day one. And you may say their 'relationship' is more 'equal' now - and maybe it is - but this Heidi is a product of what he did to her, fabricated reality or not. It was sad to watch someone being abused like that. And I'm sure it gets a million times worse. But there you go. I solved that mystery so you didn't have to. You can thank me later.
It's funny looking at how they look physically now after watching all that; I must admit, there was a distinct lack of teacher fleeces on The Hills and Spencer was dressed quite smart. Maybe he gave up on fashion when he got into the New World Order. Or he just got his Stepford wife so he didn't have to bother anymore.
I liked Rylan reliving the highlights of his year; you do never know what's round the corner, and sometimes it's something awful, not just appearances on Daybreak.
We spotted him pop up on Gordon Ramsay this year. He over-egged it with 'if someone was to make a film of my life, what a watch.' You can't say things like that about yourself. Well, you can, but it sounds boastful and hurts your (and my) chances of winning.
Heidi's hair looks straggly and yellow. It's weird seeing them all tanned and young and now they're all deformed and rotten. How you behave does affect your looks - sometimes.
Oh God, Rylan, STFU. 'It's nice being in here with the celebs and not having to mix with the plebs.' (not a direct quote, but the gist) My heart bleeds!
Are Big Brother trying to stitch Rylan up tonight? How come they're suddenly showing him singing all the time? I want to hear Heidi's album! And I heard Spencer has a rap album about info wars. That's entertainment.
Jamie East is in the house! Oooh. Are THESE questions real? Is anything real? Jamie looks weird without his beard. I can see Rylan's ginger roots! Who teamed Rylan and Claire with Spontag?
Toadfish is such a martyr, I can't BEAR IT. Saying Claire's like a lumpy potato is a bit harsh. Even I wouldn't say that.
Spencer does look like an axe-murderer. Heidi looks none too impressed.
Razor is a dirty warthog. Except one with it's balls cut off. I think we could have seen more of that quiz and it could have been harsher.
Spencer to his wife: 'we need to get you on a celebrity stripper show.' WTF! She didn't even respond.
I hate it when people go 'it's me, it's me' when they're waiting for the eviction results. It never is the person who says that.
Ha to Razor laughing that Frankie got evicted before him. That was funny. It was cute when Frankie said, 'I'll see you at the races.' Frankie told great stories? We never heard any! Did you see him on BOTS last night, you couldn't shut the fucker up. Maybe his man was there to meet him.
Toadie doing what he does best; toadying up. 'Well done for getting to the final' to Spontag. I'd be like, get to fuck.
Razor, you patronising prick. Heidi's been called a stripper and thick tonight.
Rylan must realise that people are voting for Spontag for the entertainmentz. We don't have to trust them. We don't even have to like them.
Razor's happy he got some cheers. I like him better than I did before he was on this show, that's for sure, so he's achieved his objective with me, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled about.
Spencer: 'we're moving to England.' Er... do you have to?
Wasn't being on X Factor more fun than being tormented by Speidi, Rylan? And what's with these sexist adverts?
Rylan and Rylan are getting their letters from home now. Shame Razor can't read a letter. Did a small child write 'fucking hell'? Ryan's kid can tell the time? I couldn't tell the time until I was 9. I just pretended I could before that. Heidi was cracking over the letter a bit, even though it underhandedly slated her. Icy pops!
I love Rylan getting all emotional. Even Heidi's properly crying now. Spencer probably programmed her settings wrong this morning. She's cracked. Notice when she got emotional Spencer didn't even notice, and Claire went to comfort her. That was the real Heidi, wasn't it? The Heidi who'll never be a mother; unless Spencer falls off a cliff.
Rylan is pillaging the Big Brother house! I don't blame him, I would, too. Big Brother is mean making him give them back.
Heidi 'styles' Spencer? Must try harder. She should try Rylan style instead.
I have a bad feeling in my heart tonight, and I'm not sure if it's my Hills binge, or the fact I might lose £50, or that I'm watching this alone, or it's nearly over, but I really hate seeing all the nasty comments towards Rylan. People saying he's a bully, or he swears too much, or he's 'too camp' (and we know what that really means). Whatever you think of him, he's harmless. You might find him contrived, or fake. I don't think he is. I think he's just a nice guy. And I don't want those cunts to snatch it from him. Not for me. But for him. And for ENGLAND!!! For Queen and country, give it to our boy from Essex.
See you at the finish line.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Double eviction - deadwood cleared out

Double eviction! Get Speidi out chant from the mob. I just voted to save Rylan and Speidi. I just watched a bit of The Hills before Spencer even joined the show and Heidi was being an arsehole, so that's my research complete. At least she looked like a humanoid, though.
Ooh, the snow looks quite nice. Eastenders would pay the big bucks for that.
Toadie is being a grump about Rylan waking him up in the night. 'I know you're having a ball' means 'I'm not having a ball so STFU.' Spencer sarcastically: 'he's here for the experience.' Haha. Yeah, just like you are. They are ALL THERE for the cheque. I haven't liked Toadfish from day one, he's so sanctimonious. I don't feel sorry for him when he's crying. I don't feel sorry for him when he didn't get his letter. I don't think he's a big man for 'saying it to their face'. I just think he's a moaning old whingebag. I thought he'd be funny, laid back, chilled. He's just a dullard. So I guess that makes him a good actor, because from what I can remember, Toadfish was likeable.
Spencer is stirring the pot. He's got his grey teacher fleece on today. He's playing the game well. Toadie is going from group to group, carping. Haha, Tricia going 'Thanks, Spence.' What a mug! It's him who stopped you getting the letters in the first place. When Spencer's trying to play the nice guy, you know you're in trouble. Check your back for knives.
Ooh, Paula's back! I think Paula and Rylan will make a good team critiquing the others fashion. Spencer's not going to like someone commenting on Heidi's clothes, I saw him nearly punch someone for that on The Hills. Rylan said Spencer was dressed for 'a country walk with the dogs.' Ryan is NOT worse dressed than Spencer. I like Ryan's swallow t-shirt.
I like it on Big Brother US when they have to do a quick shopping spree by putting all the clothes on at once and they have to say how much they like all the different brands. They haven't done that for a while, actually.
Rylan's hair seems to have gone off the boil the past couple of days. I'm liking Tricia's hot pink heels. I like the fact they have to give Spontag champagne to make them participate in a task. Light pink isn't Tricia's colour, I'm afraid. Aw, was quite nice to give mad Paula her moment of glory. She probably did well to get out when she did - Spontag at full throttle would have probably sent her to the nearest crackhouse. Let's face it, we've all considered it.
First eviction! I have NO IDEA who is going. That's unusual. Frankie's always got sweaty armpits. Heidi's waving like the queen. Toadie's shocked to get boos. Ooh, Frankie's out! That's what you get for trying to blend into the furniture. You could have been a really great housemate. He looks thrilled to be leaving, to be honest. Aw, was cute when he jumped on Razor's back. I personally like Frankie better than everyone in that house bar Rylan and Spontag (in their own way).
I like Frankie's furry collar. Oh he's moaning about being bored in the house. Boo woo. How much did you get paid for it? Enough to go have a good evening or two, let's put it that way.
Frankie: 'I kept away from the friction.' No kidding.
Why are they showing Frankie Spontag's highlights? 'Dick-tator' still makes me laugh. Kind of a bad buzz showing Frankie those clips. I was glad Brian dug Frankie out for fencesitting a bit, but I feel a bit sorry for Frankie that he didn't get the cosy experience he was expecting. In another year he could probably have won it, he's a lot nicer than Paddy Doherty, Denise Welch or Ulrika.
Frankie's getting good music for his highlights; Mr. Brightside. Should have been Karma Chameleon. Now you see him, now you don't!
LOL, Frankie wants Razor out next so he can have a drink with him. That's pretty funny. I think he just wants Razor because he's useful for chopping up cocaine.
Is Heidi drunk? She loves Paula and Spencer 'infinitely'. Love isn't about sacrificing things for someone. 'I want to beam you right up into my something.' Goodness me!
Toadie's dancing: amaze. What the hell is this music! Heidi's doing her naughty dancing again.
Stop press, Spencer in the DR alone! Where's Heidi?! In the loo? Oh, hovering outside. Bragging about his sex life. Eww. I wish I was as much of a fun drunk as Heidi. She's frisky after almost a decade of teacher fleeces.
Jenny Powell doing the Health Lottery tonight. Did you know she's a stand up comedian now? That's not even a joke.
Ryan is pissed off he's getting boos. Haha. Hope he's out next. Oh, it's Tricia. Well, that's about a week overdue. Second favourite to win, my arse. She couldn't even win a 'spot the 20th most famous person to ever come out of Heartbeat' competition.
Is Brian saying he wanted her to be more like Denise? Does he mean stripping off? Why is Brian digging everyone out tonight? Bet he doesn't dare dig out Spontag. What's Spencer's eviction outfit going to be? What's the poshest brand of fleece you can buy?
Is Tricia so stupid that she thinks Heidi and Spencer aren't entertaining?
Brian said 'they actually have us gripped watching the show.' But it sounded like he said 'they actually have a script during the show.'
To be fair, Tricia did have a go at Spontag a couple of times, barely, but more than say, Frankie did. Brian: 'why didn't you have a go at them more?' Why didn't you put more interesting housemates in there? Oh god, 'we're mums' - put a sock in it.
I thought Brian was a bit snarky with Tricia. Mind you, if the best she had was her Cilla Black impression, then there's the door, see you later. How much do you think they paid her? I reckon about ten grand.
Two floaters out tonight; where will the ship sail to tomorrow? Whatever happens, you know Captain Rylan's got this in the bag. I fucking hope so anyway. Spontag for second place. The rest can go spin.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: There's no boundaries to being an arsehole

They're having a laugh starting the show with a shot of Rylan screaming 'get me out of this 'ouse!' aren't they? Pisstakers.
Guess what, Toadie, you ARE at work right now, too. You're not sitting in the Big Brother house for fun, are you? You're they're for the cheque, just like them. Get down off your high horse, Frankie needs it back.
Spencer, if they all died in the house, I don't think you'd be invited to the funeral, never fear. Nice of you to put that idea out there, though. Tasteful. Spencer should have 'there are no boundaries to being an arsehole' chiselled into his gravestone.
I don't like that bad feeling Spencer and Heidi create around tasks. I feel sorry for the other housemates having to live in that bad atmosphere. They are ruining the others' experience. Stag and hen parties are against their beliefs. Hen parties are against my beliefs, too. I'd rather drink paint stripper. Spontag should be up on a warning for their insubordinate behaviour. They're coming across like a pair of old trouts.
I like the notion of a 'special gender stereotype busting obstacle course.'
LOL to Rylan: 'who you talking to?' Toadie: 'Your mum.' Rylan: ''Ow is she?' 
Spontag are cutting off their nose to spite their face(s), because when they did take part in tasks, they enjoyed them (you know, apart from the sexist ones). They enjoyed that silly eating one, didn't they?
I would be good at a sweating task, I'm dead sweaty. I used to have to use that special deodorant for your hands when I had an exam at school or my pen would all smudge. TMI? Hey, some people like clammy women. I'm not AS clammy as that now, but you still wouldn't want to shake my hand on a hot day *subtly wipes palms on clothes*
Everyone should have clapped when Spencer and Heidi's bed were removed and seen how they liked it. At least Rylan and Toadie laughed, everyone else cleared the room as fast as if Razor had just taken all his clothes off.
Oh God, someone's touched Spencer's teacher fleeces and Heidi's bras. CONTAMINATION.
I do find it interesting how split people are on Rylan and Heidi and Spencer. Even I flip flop on Spontag, I loved it when they were flipping the bird in the basement but they've just been dour for two days and I'm tired of it. They need to change up their act.
Heidi: 'I wish we did the task.' Ner ner. Spencer likes sleeping on the floor better. 'Dumb and dumber... self saboteurs.' At least he's self-effacing for once. Followed by a good one liner from Rylan about not wanting to get stuck with 'Happy and Happier'.
Aw to Claire and Tricia giving Spontag more cushions for their nest. I'd smother the cunts in their sleep.
Razor is trying to be 'the comedy guy' at the moment. That slot is already taken. I wouldn't drink out of a straw shaped like a penis on principle.
Spencer needs a haircut, a shave and a lobotomy. How can she fancy him? It MUST be mind control.
Ha, I knew they'd get their letters from home anyway! What bullshit.
HA to Heidi going 'God bless you' when Tricia sneezed. When did she get some manners?
The women are getting their letters, the men are not. Solidarity times are over. Aw, Frankie cuddling Toadie was cute. Perhaps we'd care about them more if they'd been shown more.
Oh, Razor gets his letter because he joined the girls. Rylan's got fake tan tear streaks. Why is he dressed as a pilot?
Razor's crying, Toadie's crying, is Spencer crying? Of course fucking not, are you mad? Oh shut up, Razor with your 'grow men cry' disclaimer, aren't you meant to be a girl today?
I don't know what Toadie's so upset about, we all know what his letter from home would have said:  'G'day cobber, we're having a barbie, missing you, you great gala, love Sheila.' Why is he so desperate to hear from Paul Robinson anyway? Don't it make you feel good?
I think Spontag want a drink, don't you? I've never seen two people run to a fridge so fast.
Do you really believe Spontag thought they were going to be separated for days? 'The clap was misinterpreted.' I think it was, actually. Why does Tricia WANT to cuddle them? I'd rather cuddle a rattlesnake.
They have apologised, Toadie, Heidi said 'sorry for everything'. Can't you accept that? Hahahahaha! Frankie 'just drop it.' Oh Frankie, you're a disappointment of a man. Toadie is right to still have beef. Forever beef after the way that pair have behaved. OH, Toadie's got the arsehole cos the girls got their letter, NOT because he's sad about not getting his letter. I wouldn't have been upset that night, I don't think. I think they made their point the day before. He's being a bit grumpy now and it's not very endearing. Mind you, what's new?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Paid to be pricks

Well it's been an eventful day in Big Brother land. There was a fuss on Twitter about Luke A having fake followers (not bothered) and Kaff went on The Wright Stuff and declared Rylan had been leaving the house to rehearse for the X Factor. Now THAT'S a shocker. Obviously this is totally unacceptable, and BB are already trying to wriggle out of it. It makes me sad because the very premise of Big Brother is no contact with the outside world. Remember that? It explains the lack of live feed, though, doesn't it? God knows what they're all doing every night, probably on their mobiles and laptops talking to their agents, if not leaving to go down Waitrose or Sugar Hut. I do feel like it's the final insult to us as viewers, in what has been a very distorted series of Big Brother indeed. As we got snowed in today we decided to do a 'breaking news' podcast on the scandal, check it out here, if you're hard up between now and BOTS.
Spencer's rocking a minty green teacher fleece today, with a khaki green shirt. Ha, Spencer is going to always appreciate 'minorities'. Everyone is against you because since the moment you've walked in that house you've acted like a gigantic penis.
Tricia's finally getting some airtime! So I heard Tricia was favourite to win today. Bullshit. Even if Rylan's votes halved after rehearsal gate, he'd still get twice as many as the others.
Tricia put herself second from the highest in the 'letter from home' task. Apparently you only want to hear from your family if you've got kids. What about if you have a much loved partner? A dying mother? A best friend? Nah, they don't count.
Should have known BB would turn that task on it's head. They should have learnt by now. Spontag already plotting to foil the task, but they look a bit twitchy about it.
Who would send Spencer and Heidi a 'letter from home'? Their agent? Their plastic surgeon (oh no, I think he died). Their Pomeranians? Rylan should dig Spencer and Heidi out about the hand job issue. Put 'em on the backfoot!
It's extra evil that Spontag are going to fuck up this task after Rylan shaves his beard off. Ha, and Spontag are pouring on the blackmail: 'don't let him do it'. I don't think that was 50% of Rylan's facial hair. I'd say it was about 30%. I'd find it hard to sit there and be such a cunt as them all the time. I don't think I could keep it up.
You can see Claire is ready to KILL Spontag. Of course Spencer and Heidi aren't going to split up (for two hours - honestly, you think they'd be sick of each other). Ironically, she NEEDS a restraining order against this bastard. Spontag are actually emotionally abusing their housemates now. I don't like Claire, but that was unnecessary. If they said 'it's only a game' to me, I'd be close to punching them, seriously. I feel like they've crossed the line. They are actually winding me up now, and I've been championing them for weeks.
At least Rylan IS digging them out. I don't blame him for flipping, if I was in that situation, I would go fucking mental, I would flip my lid and be out on my arse.
Thank God this pair aren't having children, because their gene pool is rotten. No you wouldn't do the show if you had kids because YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE KIDS, HEIDI, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING BRAINWASHED. Argh, I don't know why this is bugging me so much. It's really getting my goat. Don't get me wrong, I can't STAND Claire, it's not about that, or kids either, it's just about their lack of basic humanity. Toadie never had a former identity as Ryan so that was hardly a stretch for him to give up for a task. I kind of liked that moment where Rylan and Claire looked at eachother and he said, 'smile'; it was like a real moment of friendship. Spontag are poison, plain and simple. They'll never be happy, they're just damaged as fuck. Is it really funny to upset people like that? And for everyone going 'oh they've been demonised since the beginning' it's because they couldn't even be bothered to get of their 5,000 dollar arses and say hello! They don't even have the basic manners chip.
I will say one thing; Spencer is right in that he didn't pick the order, though he can hardly blame Tricia for putting him last after the past few days. Finally Razor finds his tongue: 'fucking disgraceful.'
I agree with Tricia that none of them should have the letters. Solidarity! Show Spontag what friendship is really about.  UK! UK! UK!
Spencer is 29! Fuck me, he looks rough. Why is he so shiny? You could use his forehead as a make-up mirror.
Frankie's got his knives out again, like when Susan Kennedy in Neighbours used to obsessively clean when she was freaking out about Karl having an affair. Toadie will remember that reference.
Hahaha, my boyfriend loves it when Spencer impersonates the housemates, so he'll enjoy 'if the British public had half a heart.'
I love Rylan in a rage! He's so un-intimidating! He's fab. You go, Rylan, I'm still backing you, all the way, baby.
Toadfish hit the nail on the head when he said 'they're paid to be pricks and they're doing a good job of it.' The most insightful thing he's said in two weeks.
I love the fact Spontag are reading their own letter. 'Their parents must be proud of them.' I imagine their parents have disowned them. Who IS that letter from?! I need to know. What does it say?!
Ooh even Frankie piped up. 'You're not fucking reading mine, that's for sure.' You've really pushed it now, you've riled Frankie! Now you've done it! They already read their stupid letter anyway, so it was a bit of a pitiful protest. 
At last, the fencesitters revolt! Good on 'em! That actually made me feel proud. I actually felt like I cared about my housemates for a minute. Heidi looks embarrassed. I wonder who she would be if she'd never met that evil prick? Probably happy with a kid and not carved up to look like a 50 year old Barbie. Stupid idiot.
Spontag will not be winning this show now. I don't care if it's an act, or what anymore, I just don't want to look at their fucking faces anymore.
Yeah, don't tell Heidi what to do, that's Spencer's job. Spencer, your English accent is worse than your Australian one. If I was Speidi I would crawl under the covers and hide with embarrassment rather than sitting picking my nails like a pair of dicks. I'm still dying for Rylan to call them out about their undercover shuffle! It's the perfect comeback.
Oh shut up, Claire, bleating about your kids. It's like Janine on I'm a Celeb, and I DO hate women whinging about their kids on reality TV. It's a job, you're going to do a job, you signed up for it. Also, Spontag weren't laughing at your kids. They were just laughing about being douches. They have NO sense of decency, haven't you worked that out yet? Yeah they're callous. And they're picking up the pay cheque. As are you.
Even I don't know how I feel after all that. But it's not positive. Now let's see how they try and spin Rylan's song and dance routine on BOTS. Until tomorrow...!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Spiedi is a superpower

How does Claire make a fry up for that many people? Spencer looked like he had a proper plateful. Fried bread? I eat a lot of crap, but I'll never understand that. And with butter on first? That must be like 1000 calories alone.
Rylan was in Love Actually and Harry Potter, but blink and you'll miss him.
This thing about Rylan sending his clothes home to his mum is just storylining. I have a feeling it's going to be this sort of show tonight.
I'm glad to see Spencer is rocking a navy teacher fleece today. Oh, don't build snowmen, it reminds me of Alex Reid: 'Aiiiiiiiiish!'
Oh so they're going to a a 'Barbell media' stunt on Spontag. Would they fall for it? I guess they've never seen it before. Oh OK, so it's a fake webchat and the other housemates are questioning them. The tables are turned!  They've got that dude from BOTS interviewing them. Why would Spontag be so nasty in the interview? I don't believe it for a minute. They've been getting on with everyone! This doesn't ring true. I don't like it one bit.
Rylan is enjoying watching Speidi dig their own grave. But this feels like a total set up.
People on a laptop in the Big Brother house! Whatever next.(Mobile phones?)
Spencer calling people 'intense'! Would Spontag fall for this? This is weird. I think it's unfair on them, as weird as that sounds.
Rylan: 'You aint coming to Essex, you prick.' Don't worry, I don't think he was planning to. LOL, 'I bet you were an arsehole at 16 as well.'
It wasn't 'Toadfish jerk.' It was 'Toadjerk'. Get it right. Ha, 'I think they could be a travelling circus if they wanted to.'
Are Big Brother trying to start a bloodbath again? (yes).
They're back in the house. Frankie is so MEEK! He's sharpening the knives but he's not going to bury one in Heidi's back, more's the pity.
Don't you get it Tricia, the stuff on the task was an act, not the stuff in the house? No, I take that back; it's ALL an act, them in the house, them on the task, all of it.
An indignant and self-righteous Rylan is an annoying Rylan. He looks kind of cool tonight, though.
Ah, here's where they drop the bomb. I don't Rylan's going to sit back and be a wallflower now, do you? Ooh, he looks mad. Heidi's twitching. Rylan's come out with a few good one liners tonight.
Spencer: 'I don't have fun doing anything, actually.' What, not even having sex with your beautiful wife? Oh... I forgot, you don't. Are we going to get a 'sorry' out of Spontag? Nah. Heidi's gone very quiet.
Spencer: 'What's not us is weird.' Er... he's afraid of the 'other'. Learn some contrition!
Why has Rylan got foil on his fingers? Is he trying to stop aliens mind-controlling his fingertips? Frankie looks like he could happily wring some necks. I think the pressure of keeping things inside is getting to him. I wish he'd just pop, just like Razor did the other night.
Spontag, don't you feel in the least bit sorry for upsetting people? Sad.
Rylan, what's this 'I don't row with women' bullshit? Us women can probably take it.
I like the way Rylan pronounces 'row'. Rylan: 'they were made for each other.' They were made BY each other.
America party, yay! Spencer's Big Brother's very own George Bush right now.
This all feels too manufactured for my liking. Ah, they're plugging 'Maxitone' tonight, whatever that might be.
I don't believe Spontag for a minute that they knew. Rylan is doing a 'woe is me' face. Heidi: ;we're Americans. We're reality stars.'
At least Tricia has said SOMETHING at last. It was pretty pathetic, but it was SOMETHING. Look at Frankie crawling away again. What a baby. I CANNOT stand fencesitters. He's worse than a fencesitter; he's a fencehider. I don't think BB quite got the carve up they were looking for there, do you?
WTF is Spencer wittering on about Lady Gaga?
'Drop me out' returns! 'The gaff...': love it. At least Rylan acknowledges its good TV.
The snowmen in the garden are quite cute. Probably Spencer will kick them to death, and not even for a task.
Rylan: 'Hand job.' The funniest two words of the episode. Or is that one word? I loved them peering over and I loved 'she's tossing him off right now' followed by 'drop me out' and Rylan fanning his face like a prim old lady. Oh God. I think my £50 is looking safer by the minute. Amen!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Those girls are no joke

What's this, a whole series recap?  I watched a bit of The Hills on Netflix last night and Spencer looked so different; like almost good looking but not. Like scary but at least suntanned and young. He was being his usual psycho self, though. He must have done some HARD LIVING between now and then. Was sad to see Heidi looking all normal. It's funny how much of an impact one person can have on you. Scary.
They've gone a bit overboard with that fake snow in the Big Brother garden today, haven't they?
Rylan to Heidi: 'what colour's your hair naturally, mousy brown?' Oops.
Rylan boo-wooing about being too famous to shop because of being mobbed. Have you tried shopping online? Nothing worse than celebrities moaning about people coming up to them. You know what you signed up for.
Heidi, you're suitably dressed. Why is she being teacher's pet now? Spencer is NEVER suitably attired; he looks like he dresses out of Primark. Spencer doesn't like Heidi being told what to wear, I saw him start on someone out of The Hills on it.
A hot tub is no place to have a bath. Would be fun to do that in the snow! Obviously not much happened yesterday as we're dwelling on people having a wash for an hour.
Someone said Spontag never do any housework, but Heidi is sweeping! She's a veritable Cinderella. I don't like this new meek Spontag.
How did Heidi and Spencer get to be 'team captains?' Was it after a call to Saul again? I want Spontag tortured!
This is a horrible task. This is more I'm a Celebrity bullcrap as far as I'm concerned. This task is creeping me out. Eww, seagulls. Dinosaur eyes.
Why are they playing the 28 Days Later music leading up to eviction? Is there a zombie apocalypse coming? This dramatic music is quite good, it's making me feel a bit hyper. Is Spencer's granny hoodie his eviction outfit?
Spontag and Rylan looked REALLY shocked when Gillian went!
I like it when Heidi gets drunk and let's her hair down and dances like an idiot. Toadfish's dancing is funny, too. I love seeing people dancing on Big Brother. I would NEVER dance on TV.
Razor blew his 'a list' story of getting into restaurants with tales of getting the 'A1' seat on EasyJet.
Heidi and Spencer: 'the land of the free, the home of the brave exists... nowhere!'
Aw to Heidi going 'amen' to Rylan's passionate plea to be a parent. She's letting her real self show! Careful. Are Christians alright with gay parents? They're not really, are they. But anything for a vote.
What is 'fabricated reality'? That boggles the mind. 
Could Spontag win it? I think they'll come second. It would be a great shock if they won it and quite good fun. Now if only I hadn't put that £50 bet on Rylan.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's from a different universe

No baying mob because of the snow? Oh well. I was sent home from work early today because of the snow, had a nap and dreamt that Heidi walked and Spencer stayed. Can't see that happening but it was interesting, at least. 
Spencer and Heidi are sitting in 'their' corner. Do you think you get the stink eye if you sit on their bit of the sofa? I do. USA! Etc.
Frankie is doing a 'one Mississippi' walk in the garden. He's got his ninja gear on again. He's probably going to go hide behind a plot plant.
There's some 'Sculptress' in the gym. That must be the female Maximuscle.
Tricia 'who's going to pick up the phone and vote?' No one for you.
Spencer is rocking a grey teacher fleece today. When you start wearing teacher fleeces before you're 30, where is there left to go sartorially? I'm glad they said, 'If it's not us, we want him to win' about Rylan. Spencer and Heidi are being persecuted by the seagulls now.
It's a bit duff coming out to no crowd, isn't it? I'd be worried if I lived in Borehamwood, I bet the crime rate is going to rocket tonight.
Brian's putting out the audition advert: I would rather die than be a Big Brother housemate. It's bad enough being famous for something decent and getting hassled, let alone getting hassled for nothing.
I'm not surprised people think Kylie's English, apparently Australia has deserted her. Is Pete Waterman from Pink Floyd? Er, no. WAS Toadie in Neighbours at the same time as Kylie? He's been in it long enough. 
I wonder why they're giving Toadie all this airtime? NEIGHBOURS! When did Razor and Rylan film these angel and devil bits? Of course Toadie's going to go with the angels.Neigh-bours. I can't understand what Rylan's saying. That task was stupid. Filler! It wasn't hard enough.
Brian's jacket is coming undone. No one even told him during the break.
So it's not a double eviction?
I think they are being a bit strict with Spontag and Gillian, that wasn't really noms talk, it was more silly banter. I've heard a million times worse than that go unpunished.
Loving Spencer's pearly king outfit. Are they eating jellied eels? Groo.
Haha, my friend Sarah loves Chas and Dave. That Hell party is a bit too 'red' for me. LOL to Spencer and Heidi singing to Chas and Dave. They should play Snooker Loopy next. That's the end of my Chas and Dave knowledge.
Razor's teaching Toadie and Rylan 'puffa fish' training: I thought he was meant to stop attacking people?
Heidi on first meeting Spencer: 'He's an angel. He's from a different universe. He's so kind.' Is she on drugs? When you're really in love, you don't have to go on about it all the time. You don't have to get married three times. You don't have to prove it.
WTF was going on with Claire and Rylan in the bathroom there?
Spencer giving Spontag career advice. Didn't he 'retire' because he was caught doing a coke? Frankie to Spencer: 'you're so amazingly talented.' As what? Chief troublemaker? What a load of old flannel.
Rylan's dying his ginger beard. Nooooo! I want to see him ginger.
Oh no, Spontag like everyone again now! Boo. Quick, do a task, fuck it up again. Heidi's 'regretful for a lot of the things she's said.' Is this gameplay? Reverse psychology! They'll be cursing them all tomorrow.
Have they told them there's no crowd? They don't seem to be reacting. They're all waving like they're Who Wants to Be a Millionaire contestants.
How is Tricia safe?! Who voted for her? Kathy was on our screens for 20 years as Ian Beale's matriarch. That's weird. Fuck me, Heidi and Spencer actually gave her a kiss goodbye. They are being civil for once!
Aw, Kaff's going out to no crowd. That's what you get for doing NOTHING. You can blame the editing, and I do, but if she'd saying ANYTHING of interest it would have been shown.
Gillian's wrapped in an old throw. At least there was no one there to boo. I don't mind Gillian, she is boring, but she seems like a nice lady. I'm glad she didn't have to deal with the mob.
Don't worry, Gillian, you didn't get on anyone's nerves. You're also not there due to a rule break. But keep reading that autocue, Brian.
Why is she wrapped in that old throw, is her dress busted? How are they going to make this interview interesting?
I don't think Ryan is very popular in that house. Hanging up washing?! What sort of reason is that to future nominate?
Where is the visual evidence of Toadfish 'liking to keep fit'? He doesn't look very ripped to me.
Brian: 'we've seen it all, Gillian.' No, Brian, we haven't.
Gillian revealed Spencer and Heidi 'wouldn't separate for the tasks so things had to be changed.' What IS this?!Who's running this show?
Word association! Is this what it's all come to? Fuck me, these best bits are boring. Worst episode of this CBB yet. Cry bye, baby, cry bye.
We could really have done with a double eviction tonight. Wednesday is not such a good day for it, as I can't drink and stay up late bitching about it.
So it's vote to win now! No more noms. That's so rubbish. Nominations are one of the best bits. A week is too long to have no nominations. But should I really be surprised that BB have fucked it up again? Snow joke. Has anyone even made a snowman yet? Aiiiiiiisssssssh!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: He's no professional Big Brother-er

Dictator task! Is it tasteful to knock over a gold statue like they did with Saddam? I say yes.
I don't mind this anarchy, it's alright. Oh Razor, put it away. It's really gross. Rylan has set Spontag the task of defacing the flag. Will make a change from kissing it.
Toadfish was right with what he said about Spontag in that the public want them to stay but not win , but why does he think he can talk about nominations? Schoolboy error.
I want a poster with me on saying 'do as I say.'
We need subtitles for Frankie's speech! 'Mangestic butterflies'. That was funny when they caught Frankie in a net (like a butterfly!) Behead him! Yay, Toadie and Razor are getting it, too. Spencer kicked Frankie's decapitated statue head, ha. LOL to Spontag's 'prick/loser/dork' flag. I feel a bit sorry for Frankie in a way. He's been set up a bit.
I'm not liking Spencer's green teacher fleece tonight- or is that part of the uniform? How does Spencer know exactly what all the odds are of contestants staying and going? He's like Hollywood's own Paddy Power.
Hold on, Gillian speaks! I can't hear what she's saying, though. Spencer's like a cross between John James and Isaac Stout (Noirin's boyfriend); egomaniac nightmare. I notice Heidi's got flip flops on in the shower; probably scared of veruccas. Spencer can't spell his own wife's name. Nice sentiment, though, better than wiping your bum on someone's pillow.
Ew to Spencer scratching his crotch. I think Lacey said last night, 'all Spencer do is lie in bed and eat crisps.' Sounds alright to me. Do they want to win, do they not want to win!? Do they want to stay or go? They ARE like John James! They said they wanted to leave a minute ago. I don't get it. I think I find Spencer and Heidi's fake affection more baffling than their non affection.
Razor: hand down pants. OMG his snoring is DISGUSTING. He's like a farmyard animal. I can't even cope with the rain on the window at night.
Lacey thinks the public might think Spontag are 'boring'. Spencer: 'she's like a throwaway.' Nice.
God, I hate onesies SO much. They should all be confiscated and burnt at the stake. One day they will be as reviled as the shell suit.
Why do Spontag think they're entitled to be liked when they're so odious to everyone? All they say is poisonous things! I want to stroke the furry walls of that igloo. Hold on, that doesn't sound right. I must admit, Spontag are getting on my nerves a bit. But they're still making me laugh.
They've got that nasty Hovis bread in the house! Where's the Warburtons? I think Rylan is genuinely worried about the eviction. I was glad when he got so much support, it really means the world to him.
Claire's hair is still looking white after all this time in the house. What shampoo is she using to keep her hair that colour? I want it! I'm going to tweet her after the show. Maybe I'll tweet her husband.
Rylan's face when Spontag was saved was funny. 'In no particular order' means 'in the most dramatic order possible.'
You're next out, Tricia. Spencer and Heidi don't have a 'strategy'. They are just gits. I love Rylan's emotion. I wonder if Nicole Scherzinger is watching this?
Rule-break! 'Don't waste it, put it elsewhere.' I like Toadie's t-shirt but not on him. Looks like Razor and Toadfish got what they wanted from that conversation: the girls up. Mission accomplished. Not much of a punishment. Oh Toadie, take responsibility for your actions.
'Shame shame shame, we know your name.' Morrissey has a song about that. Claire's on champagne watch. Beware!
Ha, Spencer calling Toadie a cheat and a rookie. 'They wanted them to leave minutes ago.' He IS the funniest in the house.
Ooh, the Toadfish backlash has begun. Spencer's drinking wine out of a mug. I hope it's not contaminated.
Spontag are PDAing! She's drunk. I wouldn't miss sex after two weeks. I always find it weird when people say that on Big Brother; control yourselves!
Razor can't 'remember' influencing the vote. He's always crawling to the public in the Diary Room.
Toadfish on gay parents: 'first of all being gay is wrong'. They could edit that badly, hahaha. 'Being gay is wrong. Being gay is wrong'. I want to edit that for my podcast! Imagine if you'd turned on then and just heard him say that. Oh Toadie, stop being so PC. Jeff from BBUS wouldn't like you. YOU KNOW!
Spontag are drunk! Telling Kathy she's a 'national treasure.' I think they mean 'fossil.'
Toadie, stop toadying, FFS! Heidi's getting frisky. I think I preferred her frigid. Now she's stroking her own boobs and laughing about Hula Hoops. Haha, she's making a right twat of herself. What flavour Hula Hoops is that, in a purple packet? I'm not familiar with that flavour!
Heidi doesn't want to 'be herself.' Who else is she going to be? She can't cope with someone being nice to her, it's against her gameplan. You could see the wires showing then.
What sort of sex talk is this from Spontag? 'Do you want me to roll onto you?' Eh? Is this secret code? 'Invitation... leg over... you can't move it... keep it there... it's innapropriate, it's stuck, you can't adjust... I'm already locked in deep. I want another one.' Another what? 'Good night my hero.' 'You should drink beers more often.' Goodness me. This is some freaky shit. You never see the night vision anymore, do you? Maybe the celebs have a clause against it. We're gonna do a catch up podcast now just for the hell of it! See you later.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Dick-tator

A bit sad tonight as watching the eviction on my own; it's not as much fun, no vodka and no podcast to do either - boo. Still, it's only Racy Lacey leaving, isn't it? I'm going to vote to save Spontag and Rylan. Ooh, I just found some biscuits. All is not lost. I want some Diet Pepsi and some cheese and onion crisps, though.
Lacey looks HOT. I just voted, sucker that I am. Not for her, though.
Recap, recap, recap. Zzzz. Ooh, Dictator task. We've seen people come unstuck on tasks like this before, namely, Dustin in BBUS, who was liked by everyone, was made house king, acted like a twat, and was promptly evicted. One of the best eviction faces ever. How did Frankie get nominated as dictator? Was he picked at random? Did they nominate him? Can Big Brother be bothered to tell us? This is a bit unfair on Frankie because he's already got little-man syndrome.
I like the dickmobile. Frankie's hat looks warm. I'm fucking freezing.
Heidi likes Spencer in his Nazi uniform! Surprise surprise. Toadie is the perfect choice for a snivelling little lapdog.Lacey, a page 3 girl, is actually getting some cheers. They are making them eat slop: the oldest Big Brother trick in the book.
Did Frankie choose his guards? I thought he would have chosen Rylan, not Toadjerk. I feel like I've not been paying attention, but half the time that's just because of the terrible editing.
Rylan is the leader of the revolution! Yes, destroy the statue. Aiiiissssssssshhh! Should Rylan be allowed around explosives? From the crowds' cheering, it looks like my £50 on Rylan is safe. Phew!
I wish we'd seen Rylan telling Spontag about the task. Kiss Frankie's riding crop. I like it when they have a jail on Big Brother. In Big Brother Australia they have a 'naughty corner' where they make them do ironing and stuff. It's fun.
I wouldn't massage someone's feet for a bazillion quid and if someone even laid one finger on my foot I'd kick their teeth out.
I'm desperately trying to think of a pun on TNT. How does Rylan know about 'viva la revolution'? He HAS read a book! I like the tasks where the task is not what you think it is.
What's with this Patsy Kensit Weight Watchers advert? Patsy Kensit has never been fat. NEVER.
Claire and Lacey have to bug Frankie's phone?! This is like some Breaking Bad/ Walt and Hank stuff.
Heidi was enjoying 'macho man', wasn't she? This task is good because it's integrating Spontag a bit.
I wonder if Frankie will get nominated for being a dictator? He's getting stitched up like a kipper on this phonecall. Heidi and Spencer getting to listen to MORE personal info! He's frightened of Spencer and Heidi! No wonder he went into hiding, a kitchen cupboard chameleon. What about Razor 'puffa' Ruddock? He's pretty scary. Surly, even!
Ugh, I hate shiny sheets. Spencer and Heidi said they liked Frankie at the beginning of this show. Flip flop!
Spencer: 'All dictatorships should be brought down immediately. We're from America. USA!' Where are they from again? I thought they were 9/11 truthers? Don't they think Obama's a dictator? Aren't THEY dictators?! STFU about America. You're on our soil now, and we crown incomprehensible CBB winners like Ulrika Jonnson, Denise Welch and Paddy Doherty. Don't ask me why, but we do. Luckily, we normally get it right in the civilian version.
Aw, Rylan got cheers! Lacey is like a lamb to the slaughter. 'Get Spiedi out'! LOL. Ha, they're safe. I thought they'd been evicted for a minute then. Keep up! Rylan's confidence will be back up now, hopefully not too much.
Lacey is doing Spencer-style face flapping. She's out! Aw, sad to see her go, she was a harmless little thing.
Heidi and Spencer kissed each other but not Lacey as far as I could tell. Charming! USA!
Lacey got cheers, cool. There was nothing to boo about her. She's even dressed up all posh, like she's going to dinner at Downton Abbey. I think she looks lovely. I feel sorry for her, I don't think her OR Sam deserved to go, even if Sam was a douche on BOTS and then said 'my generation aren't interested in the Falklands' on The Wright Stuff. I hope they get Rylan on The Wright Stuff. Him and Matthew Wright can have an orange-off.
The reasons people nominated Lacey were pretty pathetic. She shouldn't have to apologise for swearing and burping. Lacey spoke to her brother?! WTF. We never saw that.
LOL, Rylan and Razor colluding to nominate the girls. Booooooo, as Heidi would say. That's one of the things I miss about the live feed, catching them out running that sort of game. How come everyone is up because of them breaking the rules? That's not fair. It should just be Toadface and Razor up. So now we don't get nom noms?! I don't really get the point of that. Nominations are fun. I think it's Big Brother just trying to line their pockets. But at least it will clear out the deadwood. A double eviction could work.
Toadfish: 'we were just thinking aloud.' Don't think too hard, Toady. You might strain something. Caught out, just eat it. At least Spontag can claim the moral high ground for five minutes. USA! Etc.
PS: Why is BOTS on so late? It's like they actually don't WANT people to watch it. I stay up quite late, and I can't be bothered. Plus it makes the Couch Potatoes podcast way too late. Boooooooooooooooo! Etc. Oh well, I'll listen to it at work tomorrow as usual on my headphones and ignore everyone. That's my kind of internal comms. Good night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Squatters evicted

God, how can it only be Tuesday? This week is dragging bad. Also, a tree surgeon crushed my garden shed to pieces today because the tree I didn't even want cutting down 'fell the wrong way'. TIMBER! Arseholes.
I don't know why people care about snow. I couldn't give a shit! It's cold and 'orrible, as Rylan would say. I hate autumn and soggy wet leaves and I hate winter and de-icing my car. And we have no summer. So THERE.
Spontag are only communicating with nods. John McCruick style! Did they confiscate their Diet Coke. God, I couldn't cope with them creating an atmosphere all the time, I'd snap. It's like growing up in my childhood home all over again. Perhaps they need their blood replacing or something. What IS their problem?
Don't reverse psychology me, Pratt-face. Spencer's talking in riddles now, he's gone a bit Dungeon Master. Turned out he was a wrong 'un, an' all.
LOL to Spencer: 'I think it's fake snow.' Hahahahaha! They can't afford it! They only CGI it on Eastenders and Corrie. It never snowed that hard down my scragbag end of London/Surrey if I'm trying to be posh (the end of the line... the end of the Northern line). It's not fake snow, anyway. Frankie Dettori's friends have just dropped by. Go fill your boots!
Heidi's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Oh stop going on about bacteria, you drainers. You're driving me nuts. I think they need their vitamin injections, or Prozac.
Toadfish is diving bare-chested in the snow! Crazzy Aussies. Isn't he a fun guy? Zzzzzzz.
Heidi: 'I don't want anyone seeing our dogs.' Why, what do you think is going to happen?! Perhaps Rylan is going to suck out the Pomeranian souls by merely admiring them.
So this Big Vendor thing is like the Zingbot, right? Like the Zingbot meets Stephen Hawkins. ZING! Is he going to vend anything of interest? Hopefully Heidi and Spencer's meds. Heidi's weave is looking a little ratty today.
Kathy's never looked happier than listening to other housemates badly sing 'Reach for the stars.' Claire can't hold a note! Rylan can sing better than her.
Do Heidi and Spencer know this is a Steps song? Oh dear, I take back what I said about Rylan's singing. At least Razor's not shy of making a complete idiot of himself.
Spontag aren't eating because of BACTERIA. Tonight Spencer's drinking out the bottle, lol. He's like an old wino. Why is Spencer so outraged that Frankie isn't turning cartwheels that they're not back in the house? They are acting like the worst guests EVER. Frankie wasn't being an arsehole, he was being honest. 'I don't mind' was on the milder end of the spectrum, really.
Spencer doesn't like pickles. What DOES Spencer like? God, Spencer is not even 30. He looks like an old man.
Why would you ask a married couple if you think they're together forever? What companies were spending millions trying to break Spencer up? Was it the Yarn-spinning Association?
I like Heidi and Spencer's policy of just eating crisps and chips.
Spencer thinks Rylan or Claire will go home. Incorrect.
Lacey: 'you two are very sweet.' Eh? Heidi's getting sniffy about Lacey having no clothes on in the shower. You can't see her! Take a chill pill, Heidi. She's SUCH a prude.
I think Tricia is gearing herself up for a fight now, and it will just be any excuse. Shame Lacey's going to go tomorrow, especially as she's winding up Heidi. I wish we could get rid of someone else. Oh well, that's just the way it goes. But sometimes, it goes the other way too. Let the games begin, etc.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Especially after he electrocuted my wife tonight

Marcus Bentley says, 'Following Friday night's argument, Big Brother has decided Heidi and Spencer will sleep in the basement until further notice.' Translation: 'Heidi and Spencer's lawyers have decided they'll sleep in the basement until further notice.' Remember when Big Brother used to have some control over the housemates? Me neither. Heidi and Spencer can say 'jump' to Big Brother and Big Brother will go 'how high?' and probably give them a multipack of toothbrushes, a machine gun and some disgusting American chocolate.
Spontag's flag has fallen down. 'Fix the flag, fix the flag.' Oh, fuck off.
Gratuitious shot of Lacey's side boob? Check. Spencer fanning his face like a nutcase? Check.
How can people still like Claire (from Steps)? As far as I can see, she has no redeeming features. Razor in his pants! ARGH! Claire's losing her appetite? I'm not surprised looking at Razor's bikini line. OMG Razor, shut your fucking legs! Or C5 put a warning up on the screen.
So I know who's up for nomination and I'm not very impressed. Deadwood floats. 
Big Brother to Rylan: 'Anything else you'd like to talk to Big Brother about?' 'Global warming. I don't know what it is.' Aw. I still love Rylan. You can't stop me, and you can't stop him from winning either. Heidi and Spencer's entertainment value will only get them so far. The villains never win.
Spencer just wants to 'tap that booty'? Ewww. I read in the Daily Star (well, saw a link for it) they'd fucked in the basement. BOLLOCKS. I doubt if they've fucked for three years.
Toadfish: not nominations for not tidying up again! Is that the REAL reason you're nominating Spontag? It's not, is it? So stop beating around the bush. You're not in Lassiter's now, laddy. Time to play with the big boys.
Oh God, Tricia is voting for Lacey because she's so untidy. 'I'm forever picking up after her.' Don't then. You're not her mum! Fuck off, you boring old bitch.
Why does everyone hate Lacey now? She's harmless! LOL, Frankie was 'afraid' of Spencer and Heidi when they came back into the house! Is that why he burrowed into a little hole? What a scrotum. Don't be scared, little Frankie. A little toot will sort you out and then you can be as mental and aggressive as Spencer and Razor combined.
Why are Spencer and Heidi constantly drinking mineral water? Kathy don't like rows! Why was she in Eastenders for so long then? Lacey looks cute today in her camo gear and her make up all sexy. I feel sorry for her. Oh stop crying, Gillian! There's nothing worse than a Big Brother crybaby.
I like the fact Marcus is just calling Ryan 'Toadie' on the narration. Rylan: 'do you get on with everyone at Neighbours, any arseholes?' I love it, so blunt. 'Would you ever jump ship to Home and Away if they offered you a load of money?' Toad-jerk: 'Yeah.' Ha! He's probably been fired already, that's why he's hopped over here.
Uh oh, Lacey's talking politics. Fuck. Claire looks stony-faced. Gillian and Tricia are pissed off, too. At least she's got an opinion, even if it's ill-informed. Ha, now they're talking about convicts being shipped to Australia. Toadfish is doing his war dance; stand back. 
Claire's nominating Lacey for being 'crude.' Her name is 'Banghard', FFS. At least she's more interesting than you; mind you, so's er... everyone. Lacey's crumb of kindness has been seen as an allegiance to Heidi and Spencer and has smacked her in the face a bit.
Razor's nominating in his coat. At least he's put some clothes on at last. He looks like he's about tho go for a hike. I love the fact Razor loves Rylan, they're just such an odd couple. Ha, Razor is nominating Lacey for burping and using the 'c' word cos it's not ladylike. It's alright for you though, isn't it, Puff Daddy? Fucking hypocrite! He reminds me of my mum's boyfriend who read my blog and goes 'there's a lot of swearing in it.' Well it's my blog, not my dissertation! I can say whatever the fuck I want in it. Cunts. I nominate anyone who uses the expression 'the 'c' word'. In fact, my boyfriend's friend came round on New Year's Day and called me out for 'using the c word a lot'. How about you don't come into my house and tell me what words to use, hmm? No word offends me, except sexist ones, like 'slag'. 'Cunt' is multipurpose.
Spontag are scoffing on Walkers again! You can't blame them though, Americans don't have good flavours of crisps. They DO have ENORMOUS bags of crisps though, so that's a bonus. You can literally climb inside them, Oh, my boyfriend would go mad at them chomping crisps whilst nominations are announced. As soon as I open a packet of crisps he just gives me a death stare. Chomping crisps noisily is one of life's great pleasures. But not during nominations. They're always chomping crisps on BBUS as well, they're mad for it.
Ryan looks freaky in drag! Rylan is quite good at the make-up though. I feel sorry for Lacey! I think she'll go. Aw. Rylan: 'let's hug it out.' Heidi: 'No.'
It's good that Razor is up for having a bit of make-up on, some men can be so straight about things like that. It's just a giggle, isn't it? It won't make you gay, just a finger up your bum (sorry).
Do you think Rylan will get to put make-up on Spontag? LOL. Heidi to Lacey: 'they don't want you around all young.' Ha! Yeah, stop being so young. Spencer; alliance talk. He's poisoning Lacey's mind good! Drip, drip, drip. Lacey, stop taking advice from Spontag. They are disturbed individuals. Actually, some of what they were saying is quite true. A lot of the oldies are on a downward slope. It's only really Rylan and maybe Lacey who could get something out of the show.
Haha, getting the housemates to add up to a minute, what does that remind you of? 'One Mississippi, two Mississippi...' Bye bye, Luke S. Many lols. I can't BELIEVE they are dragging out those old electric shock suits AGAIN. Those things must have moth holes in by now. And I can't believe Heidi and Spencer are actually wearing them. Frankie and Razor look like Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
What is that vending machine for? Eww, check out Toadie's sweat patches. Groo. It is cruel putting Claire in that orange lycra.
Spencer and Heidi should be FORCED to attend the losers party and drink cheap cider (is there any other kind?) I bet they get their own bottle of wine in the de-basement.
Tricia's coming off a bit 'Tina Malone'. Ha, is Big Brother refusing to let Spontag into the basement?
Oh well done, Spencer, for taking part in a task, what do you want, a lollipop? 'We're not comfortable to be around Ryan since he electrocuted my wife tonight.' I wish he'd electrocuted YOU! She was laughing, FFS, it was a game! These two aren't for real, are they? Richey Manic would have no truck with them. 
Heidi having to hang out with the common people. Rylan: 'turn that frown upside down.' Honestly I'd flip out at them. I don't know how everyone stays so patient. They are absolutely pathetic excuses for humans. No wonder they've got no friends. They're odious. Keep them in!
After a call to their lawyers, Heidi and Spencer were allowed downstairs again, probably to feast on babies blood and Jesus juice. Oh Spontag, stop pretending you're scared of Rylan and Ryan, they're about as scary as Jedward. STFU.
OMG I just saw the start of 'Botched up Bodies!' MY EYES!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I've woke up with the hump

I'm watching Britain's most incompetently-produced show alone tonight, which is sad. However, we solved the not-calling-them-Speidi dilemma last night, by coining the 'Spontag.' I thought of something too, on Spontag's non-kissing policy: they kissed that American flag when they went in the basement! Maybe they only kiss inanimate objects. Heidi did a little kiss in Spencer's direction, but he barely reciprocated. It's not rubbing it in people's faces when you're hiding in the basement. You just don't fancy each other! I've seen Simon Cowell and his girlbeards look more in love.
So what will happen tonight? Will Frankie be camouflaging himself against a tree perhaps, or a furry cushion? Will Razor imitate any other aquatic creatures? It's all to play for; if they ever stop recapping last night.
Why is Razor grovelling to Big Brother again? Come on, big man, it was the best thing you ever did in that house. Don't turn into a pity party.
Claire has basically turned into a wet fish, now. I saw half this shit on BOTS yesterday. Why can't they give us some fresh stuff! They got 24 hours of it. Fucking useless.
I love it when people say 'I've got the hump'. Rylan: 'I'm not worried, I'm nervous.' Isn't that the same thing? I think Rylan underestimates the clout of 'Claire from Steps'. One: no one likes Steps. Two: she's a miserable cow. If it was a head to head, he'd walk it. I like fact they're making them sweat on it, though. Razor: 'I understand. It would be like going up against Lee Ryan from Blue.' Er... what?! Random! Actually, put him in the house, he's renowned for his stupid statements. And Brian Harvey, too.
Spencer on Heidi kicking off: 'you were so awesome.' Aw, how romantic.
Oh Claire, stop going on! Just stand by what you said or shut the fuck up.
How come Spontag get to stay up til 5am and then sleep all morning? Special treatment!
Why is Spencer having a hot flush, is he going through the menopause? My friend thinks Spencer is ill because he always looks sweaty. It's probably because he's always wearing those teacher fleeces. Can't she sort out his clothes for him? She spends a zillion dollars on surgery and she can't buy him a nice shirt, or something? Drop me out. Heidi is clutching one of her 56 toothbrushes. At least because they really want to win now, they won't walk. Spencer: 'don't think I don't relate to zits.' OK, then.
Ha, British contestants get so pissed off when Americans say they want to win. But at least it's honest! Razor on them winning: 'you fucking aint.' We'll see!
Gillian always looks like she's either tired or crying; maybe both. Rylan is so skinny! You can see his ribs. Rylan wears more make-up than I do.
Spencer on Claire: your career with Steps ended ten years ago.' If only! Spencer's face is twice the size of Heidi's. It's a bit rich of him to call Rylan and Claire 'hermits' when they keep bunking up in the basement every five minutes.
Why is Spencer carrying that huge bottle of water round with him? He could use it as a weapon at any time. It's like Paula all over again.
I like the fact that Rylan hangs out with Razor and Frankie. I like Lacey's leopard print dressing gown, too. She's playing a smart game, keeping Heidi sweet. Not as dumb as she pretends, methinks.
Interesting to see Toadfish and Lacey (sort of) strategising. Toadfish NOT agreeing that Spontag are nice people. I guess Lacey doesn't like some of the coven and is seeking a new alliance. I like her better because of that.
I hate these tasks where they try and make girls look dumb. I also hate it when they have outside people in the house, but that goes without saying.
Spencer is eating two packets of crisps during this task. Now, that's the kind of behaviour I can get behind. Is there any particular reason Razor is being waxed?! Or just to get him back in line after his puffa fish impression?
I've noticed Heidi does touch Spencer but he never touches her. Oh, Rylan, put a sock in it. He wouldn't let it lie! Tricia is brave questioning the motives of Spontag. She'll be next on her shitlist. Spontag are still laughing at Rylan's jokes. At least they all had a chat about it again.
Razor's girlfriend is 31! LOL. That's like me going out with a fat old puffa fish. What does she see in him?
What the actual FUCK are Spontag doing in the basement again? That is totally wrong. Did Saul Goodman organise that for them? Is he going to bury Rylan in a ditch for them, too? Are they seriously not going to explain it? Another dick move by Big Brother. Blatant hardballing by Spontag and Big Brother pandering to them; ie. bullshit.
Ooh, Spencer strokes Heidi's back! NEWSFLASH. And now they're back out of the basement again?! WTF. Is that just their little private area? That is sooooooo unfair. If they don't want to sleep with the others they should be made to sleep in the igloo.
Have Spontag's got OCD? What is it with them and bacteria? I think Spencer is dying. They are so weird. Still you've got to love them. Otherwise you're stuck trying to spot Frankie Dettori as he nestles under teacup.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: They're just extras

Ryan's such a drama queen! You've got to love it, though.
How come Spencer and Heidi always get up so early! It's like they want to pack as much evil into the day as humanly possible. Mocking Toadfish for doing lightweight weights, ha.
Heidi: 'You're lucky anyone even wants to put your frog face on TV.' Spencer: 'It's a 'toad'. I think what I like about watching Spencer and Heidi is they say the sort of nasty shit  I say watching it.
Sam came off like a charming tosser on BOTS last night didn't he? It was disgraceful what he said about fingering Lacey before he left. Didn't say a word in the house, then came out and acted like an utter sexist douche. And saying he wanted to 'do sex, drugs and rock and roll.' What is he, 15? He came across as an absolute prick.
Shitstir task again! They're stirring up that pot today, aren't they? Heidi's watching 24 hour live feed and she still can't get Lacey's name right.LOL to their 'they're just extras' speech. Too true!
Ha, Lacey thinks Claire was in S Club 7. No, they were quite good. She's getting her confused with that other fat sourpuss in a dressing gown, Jo O' Meara. Claire's in there for the money, end of story. Unfortunately, she's ruining what very little affection anyone had left for her. Faye Tozier must be writing her P45 as we speak.
Heidi: 'she tried on my SHOES?' They'll have to be sent to landfill now. Germs!
That's really horrible asking Claire about her worst feature. Mean BB! Razor swerved that question well, very gentlemanly. LOL, Rylan calling Tricia a drunk! That task served it's mean-spirited little purpose, didn't it?
Spencer's looking a bit twitchy and squinty today. It's good they got to watch the eviction.
Toadfish: enjoy those happy feelings, they're not going to last long. Bye Sam, you dick. I retract my vote for you yesterday. Vile. Fuck off. There's nothing worse than people who don't want to be in there and just coast around for the money. That's what Claire is trying to do, but she's about to come unstuck.
Why is Frankie telling the girls to 'take their make-up off and put their pyjamas on?' Is he their dad?
Spencer and Heidi didn't shake it up when they went back in there; Rylan did!
Claire should have just apologised IMMEDIATELY. Just hold your hands up, say you've been caught out, and you were out of order. Even if you don't mean it, just say it and not come off like a cock.
Rylan, you DO play up to the cameras! 'Fuck off back to America.' Racist!
'Nice to see you.'
Rylan took the pathetic way out in that argument as well: 'everyone else was doing it.' That's how Hitler rallied the troops, wasn't it?
Spencer to Rylan: 'you can't be a real person.' He's not been to Essex, has he?
Claire's keeping her head down! How does she keep her hair that colour? I wish my hair was that colour. You're right, you should have known better. All of you should have. Now just say 'sorry, we shouldn't have said it and it must have been hard to watch, but you are kind of pricks.'
Gillian washing up fence-sitting! You can tell more by looking at the fence-sitters than the ones kicking off. My boyfriend pointed out that Frankie camoflagued himself under the kitchen worktops. That's good fence-sitting, chameleon fence-sitting. 
Tricia: 'why have you gone for Claire?' Perhaps not one to ask at this point. Spencer and Heidi have a graph of all the different levels of hate towards them. And all the different ways they're going to get them back.
When Heidi said Gillian 'didn't say one word' did she mean about them, or just in general? Could be either. 
Razor and Toadfish think it's all a great laugh, let's see how long that lasts.
Rylan's having an emotional breakdown. Come on Rylan, ramp up the waterworks! All Rylan cares about is how it's affecting his game and how he looks to the public. It's not about him, it's about Spencer and Heidi. Rylan's giving off a big General Zod vibe tonight.
Spencer 'is not kissing Heidi for the benefit of the group.' I don't believe him! He's just spinning it. He said he doesn't even kiss his own mum. Mind you, I don't think I do, either. I do kiss my boyfriend, though. On his birthday.
At least Claire apologised. Toadfish: 'so you do kiss each other?' He wasn't trying to 'lighten the mood', he was being spiteful. He didn't say it in a jokey way at all. I actually find him quite sly and I can barely stand to look at him anymore. He's got an agenda bigger than Spieidi's.
Spencer and Heidi weren't even being nasty when Razor kicked off! He just puffed up like a puffa fish, all aggressive! I think he just wanted a row. Heidi: 'Let's get security in here!' She knows the drill! Hilarious. Kick Razor out, lol. At least he's finally done something worth commenting on.
I wouldn't like Razor coming at me like that, it's quite intimidating. Heidi and Spencer aren't bullying, they're just having their say. They've listened to people slag them off for two days; are they meant to come back in and say nothing?
Rylan enjoyed it when Razor kicked off. Toadfish is lying that he was trying to lighten the moment. Having an opinion is not BULLYING.
Razor going back into the house: 'he won't say nothing, he's shit himself.' THAT'S the Razor I'm waiting to see. Spencer does look a bit cowed.
My boyfriend on the Spontags: 'they're not so much a couple as a military unit.'
What is this rule about 'shouting' on Big Brother? Big Brother is all about shouting. Big Brother should be 50% shouting at all times. Did they give him a warning? His mum will be shocked... I doubt it.
Claire shifting the blame again! What a coward. Just admit you're a bitch. Stop dropping other people in it, you cow. Take responsibility.
Toadfish's apology was even snarky. I can't stand this bloke, he's the most underhand person in the house, and that's saying something.
I'm like Rylan in that I get mad when people won't stick up for me, but the fact is, he started that argument, so why should they?! If he's not learnt that the house will always be 80% fencesitters, he's obviously never seen Big Brother before.
Spencer is concerned about their safety. I LOVE it when Americans start asking to speak to their lawyers. It was like the twins last year. That's not how Big Brother works, Spencer. Now stop being a drama queen, it's like he's trying to outdo Rylan.
'Backtrack, backtrack... it was all said in jest... whatever.' Rylan is doing some serious histrionics here. 'I'd like to forgive and forget... but I don't I think I can.'
Was this next DR entry filmed AFTER the chat with the lawyers? Heidi and Spencer skulking back down to the basement! Are they just going to live there the whole time? They don't even kiss and hug down there, do they. I doubt they even spoon at night.
Big Brother doesn't tolerate violent or threatening behaviour! CONOR CONOR CONOR CONOR! You fucking lying bastards. Or is it only threatened violence against women that's allowed. Knobs. Sort your show out, you mugs.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: No mercy, no surrender, no retreat

Bit peed off about this eviction as I'd rather lose Tricia/ Claire/ Lacey etc than Toadfish or Sam. I think Sam 'has more to give', lol. And although I don't like Toadfish, he's got the potential for more of a kick off than a lot of the others.
Why don't you cook for yourself, Heidi and Spencer?! Then no one will poison you.
Holds up, Rylan. Drop me out. They are all slagging Spencer and Heidi off round the breakfast table! Charming. Booo! Uh oh, Spencer's taking deep breaths. Anger management! He looks MAD.
Uh oh, Sam is calling Spencer boring! This should get him a few votes. Their shit list is three miles long right now! I feel sorry for them, is that wrong.
Why have they got so much soap? Who cares? Heidi hates the sheeple! Those litte pre-filmed clips they have of Heidi and Spencer are hilarious. God, this show would be dead without them.
Toadfish torture! Push the button. Spencer on Toadfish: 'he's like a serial killer.' Pot, kettle, black. Toadfish just said he missed them and they covered him in dogshit, by the looks of things. Thems the breaks.
I wonder how they'll bring Spencer and Heidi back into the house? And ARE they going to kick off? I mean, really? COULD they win it off a sympathy vote? I'm not so sure, because they're not sympathetic characters.
Sorry it's cold outside, Brian. I'm sure you're being paid enough. Brian is saying it's neck and neck. He wasn't saying that last week, so is it? I voted to save Sam, but I'm not THAT bothered.
Heidi looks genuinely sad when she sees people bitch about her, and she looked sad on the live feed last night.
That was a nasty thing of Rylan to say about 'the only cock she's had is a bull's one'. That must be really horrible hearing people say that about you and about her being 'a goer'. I thought that Tricia Penrose was quite nasty, too.
Detective Rylan is on the case! Luckily he's a shit detective, though. Razor's stomach is making me feel sick. Heidi and Spencer 'don't kiss cheeks.'
Basement dwellers: 'No mercy, no surrender, no retreat. We're Americans.' God bless America? What about God save the Queen? Nah, fuck that bitch. Is there a single housemate who didn't slag them off? I don't think so.
I like Sam's hair, he's quite dishy really. I think he's gonna go, though.
Everyone's getting booed! Ah, well. That was a LOOOOOOOOOONG gap Brian did there. The crowd were shouting 'get Ryan out'. I feel like Sam didn't really have a fair chance. All the arseholes in that house and he's leaving. You think he'd be a prime candidate to float to the end. Why are they booing him? It can't be 'trollop gate' as I just made that up.
On that dull as fuck live feed last night Sam said he wanted to go. That live feed thing was just a swiss to make us not want live feed anymore. We're not that stupid.
I don't like Sam's attitude much. I hate people who say they're happy to go. He'll be glad he missed the Spencer and Heidi reunion.
Sam's got leggings on and winklepickers. Who does he think he is, Noel Edmonds? You have to be anorexic to wear skinny jeans like that if you're a man, otherwise you look like a lady.
Sam moaning about the show being boring. That's because of people in the house being boring. I saw Sam's real girlfriend in Heat, she looked like Boy George.
Defensive much in this interview! Fuck off back to your glittering career! If he's saying 'we knew it' about Spencer and Heidi, why were they slagging them off so much.
Sam: 'it's more fun to watch than it is being in there.' Ha!
They could have brought Spencer and Heidi in better. Claire looks mortified! I liked the highlights package, though.
Spencer and Heidi were right about Paula and Sam and how they shouldn't have been voted off. LOL, Spencer and Heidi are getting to choose the nominations. Their nomination for Claire is fair enough, but not Rylan! You can call Rylan a lot of things, but not dull. That should be disallowed. At least the other housemates get to nominate too.
Seriously, are we not going to get to see them go back in? DROP ME AHT. Bare jokes. You SWINES!
Oh we are getting to see them come back in, briefly. Heidi gave them all the pointy finger of death.
Spencer shook a few hands. Heidi took a few names: 'there's no place like home.' I like the fact they refuse to hug anyone. Toadfish looks twitchy.
Ooooooooooh Rylan started that row! He made it all about him immediately. Rylan: 'do you think I'm playing up to the cameras?' Heidi: '100%'.
Spencer's vein is going in his neck. I literally can't BELIEVE they stopped the show there. I cannot actually believe it. It's like stopping fight night 3 seconds in. Honestly, they treat their viewers like scum. If EVER an hour of live feed was needed, it was then. What a fucking joke. DROP ME OUT. Absolutely pathetic. They don't want us to see it live, they want to cut it to pieces and have us feel the way they want us to about it. Sickening. Why couldn't the show have been extended by half an hour?! Argh!!!
Who's going to come out on top there, though, Rylan or Spencer? We knew Rylan would snap at some point. And here it is. I just hope this doesn't end up costing me!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Basement Pratts

For once I don't know who's up for nomination as I've been ill asleep most of the day so have avoided any spoilers. I do like the twist, but it is 'engineering'; it was quite nice when Spencer and Heidi were getting on with the others in a way. And it's obvious people are going to bitch when you're not around anymore. So in a way, the whole thing is a bit of a stitch up. But I guess that's the name of the game now. I liked Heidi's softer side, such as it was (like when she was exchanging gifts with Paula), but let's face it, it's impossible to know who or what Spencer really are and what they really think, so we might as well suck it up and enjoy the drama. In a way it's sad that once again Spencer and Heidi are being ostracised, even for a task. I think it's good for them to integrate with normal humans.
Paula: 'I thought I was going to come into a bunch of plastic people relying on their talent.' No, no talent here. They're wrapping this eviction up early on in the show which gives me some hope that shit kicks off later.
My boyfriend made a good point that if Spencer and Heidi really wanted to leave they'd make them wait overnight, like they always do. God, Heidi's voice! It could make a shy bald Buddhist repent and commit a mass murder. What did Razor mutter under his breath then? And why wasn't it subtitled?
Heidi's doing some good actressing here! You can see why she did so well on The Hills. 'Lacey, why didn't you save me?'
Rylan's onto it! He's not stupid. If he knows what's what, just don't slag off Spencer and Heidi and you win.
So how did they fit that basement up with the starts and stripes and the Pomeranian pics so quickly? It doesn't look that luxury to me. Spencer and Heidi looking at the pictures of their dogs was probably the most honest moment I've ever seen out of them. They actually seemed like real people just for one second.
Rylan: 'there's something going on here, my head hurts.'
Spencer, don't sacrifice anymore of your dignity, for God's sake, there's only 0.0001% of it left.
Rylan telling them to go... whoops! I think he meant that in a nice way, but it's going to be turned on it's head by everyone. Just smash through the door like when John James went running through the camera runs! That was funny. That WAS the fire door that John James went through. Spencer should have kicked it!
LOL to them kissing the America flag. Heidi found it funny when Claire was slagging Spencer off. It was interesting what they said about them not kissing. It's true, they're not very romantic. I can't imagine them having sex in the basement, can you?
Poor Paula's leaving has been rather overshadowed, hasn't it?
Heidi nodded when Sam said 'their life sounded hideous.' Yay, they're turning on Toadfish! He was their champion yesterday. I've never heard Toadfish bitching before! You've got to be a bit more wily, Toadie. We've seen this task a million times. We think Sam knows and is saying 'the right thing', and we think Rylan knows, too. Toadfish is just too stupid to see what's right in front of his nose.
I like the way Heidi just thrust the glass of wine at Spencer. My boyfriend has now gone to get a glass of wine; advertising!
So they're doing live nominations at 1am? Face to face! So who are the easy options to do face to face? They can't put up too many favourites or they'll lose them. I think Lacey's vulnerable and possibly one of the old dears? I hope no one is going to do 'The Situation' shuffle with the cards and cheat.
Toadfish nommed Sam! Strategy! Not a 'housework' vote. Zzzz. I hate that, it's such a cop out vote. Boooooo indeed! Toadfish also nominated Rylan! Then Heidi stuck up for Rylan! Heidi: 'Toadface...Toadjerk.' LOL. What about the vows? Ah the vows was just a public thing, now they're gone he's showing his true Toady colours. Spencer and Heidi are racing towards the final at this rate.
What are these 'singing games'!? Why is everyone nominating Sam? He seems pretty inoffensive.
Tricia nominated Razor for snoring. It's not his fault.
Heidi slagged Razor off and then stuck up for him in the space of about two seconds. Claire's face when Sam nominated her. I like his nominations! Why is Kaff crying her eyes out? Drop me out.
Why is Sam wearing red leggings?
Line of the series so far: 'Shut up, Toadman.' Sam is getting nominated because he's the easy vote! Booo!
Even when Heidi and Spencer kissed and went 'hey sister' they still barely kissed. I feel sorry for Sam now. We think C5 will want Toadfish to stay because they're plugging neighbours, but hopefully the voters will get wise and do the opposite like we did with Aaron (of Aaron and Faye fame) after they bashed him on BOTS night after night.
Toadfish looks upset he's up! I'm surprised there's so much hate for him, so much for 'the funniest guy ever'. Claire's nomination reason for him was: 'even when they gym wasn't open he was exercising and something from my past brings back bad memories.' What the fuck sort of reason is that for nomination someone?! Sorry about that, Claire. Sorry for exercising. Weirdest nomination reason EVER. Psychotic. That would NOT be accepted in the Diary Room.
Don't worry about 'being left at the end' Gillian. Toadfish's exercising is costing him dearly. He doesn't look very fit for someone who's always exercising.  He just looks like a spudhead.
Heidi and Spencer change their minds every two minutes about who they like! Frankie nominated Razor! Brave.
Save Sam! I think he's vulnerable in a head-to-head with Toadie. I'll forgive him for trollop gate.
LOL Toadie, all your toadying didn't pay off. I'm surprised Lacey wasn't up. Sam's suddenly become a lot more interesting because he can form an alliance with Heidi and Spencer.
Spencer: 'shut your little Toadfish mouth and go back Down Under.' This who's real/ who's fake talk is bending my mind. So fake they're real. I fake it so real I am beyond fake. Oh, Heidi and Spencer. I really hope you come second. You're amazing.
The most fun Spencer has had on a reality show is spying on people. Spencer's missing some good shit here that Heidi's watching. Liked Spencer's comment on the kissing, 'what are you Claire, some sort of perv?'
These housemates are thick as shit. Tricia: 'I'm glad they're gone.' Can anyone be this stupid to say that? Has she never watched Big brother before and seen a secret task? Claire: 'no one can be that naive' about Spencer and Heidi. You'd be surprised, Claire, you'd be surprised.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The jetlag defence

Save Spencer and Heidi! I've phoned twice, I think that's my limit. So today my 'research' found that Spencer was touting a sex tape of Heidi and one of those twins Denise Welch sexually assaulted last year when they split up. That's true love, right? It's probably why she got back with him, just to shut him up.
My boyfriend wants Frankie out and thinks people might forget to vote for him. Plus it would serve him right for thinking he's so popular he'll stay in. I'm not so sure, I'm pretty sure Paula's a goner.
Crowd are chanting 'get Paula out'. That will be good for her mental illness. Drop her out!
The thing with Heidi and Spencer is they've threatened shit, but they've not done anything except be a bit frigid and controlling. They were even bigging up Toadfish yesterday. Where's our super villians? Toadfish probably thinks that's gonna win him the show. Which goes to show how little he knows.
Shit-stir task! I love the shit-stir tasks. And Heidi gets to pick on Lacey. Gunge is a bit 80s, though.
Razor on Gillian covered in gunk: 'like her face when she got out of the Range Rover.' Gillian was quite a good sport about that. Razor hasn't bugged me as much as I thought he was going to so far.
Is Paula actually helping out on this task? Or just piously telling Heidi's she's got everything wrong?
What did Paula do in Take That's last video? Make the tea?
'If you said you fell in a ditch, she'd say she fell off a cliff.' Paula: 'I don't even know what that means.' Get a sense of humour, you miserable cow. ALL of them have said similar things about Paula. Negative?! Fucking hell, she should know. Get her out! Paula got a bigger boo after that. She's got her coat on, so she's obviously ready to roll. I wanted to see what dirt they said about Heidi and Spencer in that task.
Vote beg. Will Heidi and Spencer even do it? Rylan: 'say something about horses.' Heidi and Spencer: the jetlag defence. I'm surprised they even bothered. Spencer didn't get a word in edgeways.
Paula looks nice with a bit of slap on.
The first thing out of Sam's mouth this week and he says 'trollop'. Should have kept that mouth shut, you sexist dick.
It's grannies bathtime; mind the gap. Don't worry, I'm an equal opportunities hater; Razor is more grotesque than all of them. Paula is being a bit aggressive with that bottle. Seal off the area.
What is Rylan squirting at people? Crisp and dry?
Gillian's non-blowjob account is about as realistic as Paula's 'swerved to avoid a deer' story.He had pancreatic problems and he undid his trousers? WTF. Lacey: 'so what if you did.' LOL. 'We can't lie, everyone's done it.' Speak for yourself! That made me laugh. I would like to have seen a close up on Heidi's face when she said that.
Yeah let that trollop Sam push the button. Fail, fail, fail! They passed! See Razor's tattoo? 'To dare is to do.'
Can I just make my position on onesies clear? They are vile. They suit no one. They are babygros for adults. We will look back and laugh at all those who ever zipped themselves into one. Not even skinny people look good in them. Here ends the onesie speech.
Paula: 'you're a jockey, what the hell do you know?' What 'career' does Paula have? Tabloid nutcase.
Rylan's hair looks AWFUL. It's too black. I'd like to see his ginger roots.
Spencer in the Diary Room: 'I wouldn't want to hang out with us, either.' Ha. Hold on, what about the jetlag? Have they still got it? Did they change their mind overnight?
Kevin Bacon would be good in CBB. I think he costs a bit too much, though.
What the fuck is with these Neighbours adverts with Toadfish in? It's like brainwashing!
If you're watching on Channel 5 plus 1, go fuck yourself.
Paula's got something for Heidi. Is it the stash? Why is Spencer always wearing teacher fleeces? Heidi is giving Paula a bracelet that's 'divine love from God and everything like that.' Cool. This is like Alcoholics Anonymous or something. It will be a shame to break up this party.
WTF is a karate license? Which colour belt is that? She's quite threatening! Hide the knives.
Frankie on Rylan on X Factor: 'another fucking dickhead putting it on.' Charming! Frankie needs to work on his 'reassurance'. He's really upset him! Ha. Drop me out, Rylan. Pull yourself together.
Notice how Frankie's getting a bad edit now the voting has closed? Skulduggery!
LOL to Razor telling it like it is, 'so you've upset him'. A bit of straight talk doesn't go awry in that house. Rylan: 'it was just a tired cry - I just needed five minutes.' Rylan's looking pasty.
Rylan to Paula: 'you keep me sane.' Enough said.
Natalie Cassidy: get off my screen or I'll get my mascara out. What's going on with her fringe? Honestly, she was on The Wright Stuff this week, too. The only place I want to see Natalie Cassidy is on Very Important People and I think they've cancelled that show (boo). A Natalie Cassidy advert followed by an advert about tackling 'soapscum'. These jokes write themselves.
Brian: 'I'm actually quite excited.' Don't go overboard. 'Get Paula out.' There's nothing wrong with her ears, is there.
Why has she come out in John McCruick's hat? Diet Coke! It is a bit of a shame she's gone considering how much deadwood there is in the house, but I suppose it's to be expected and at least it wasn't the terrible twosome. That was the shortest time before an ad break ever. It's like watching US TV.
Is that Brian's earpiece we can hear? That could be interesting! How does he concentrate with that in his ear? Notice it was all the dullards who voted Paula out.
The crowd shouting 'who are ya?' Charming! Is that it for Paula's interview? That was about three seconds. 'Off, off, off, off!' We're a charming bunch, you can see why Alex Jones hates us all. Why does Paula hate Frankie so much?
Paula looks livid watching her best bits. Start blaming the editing!
This twist is going to be good because everyone's going to be slagging them off when they're in the 'bedsit'. God save the Queen! LOL and they get immunity next week! Hilarious. I'm looking forward to seeing the new basement. What does that house smell like?!
LOL to Spencer dismissing Heidi's strategy. So what was the twist going to be if Spencer and Heidi weren't saved? FIX, etc. Do you think they had a Paula-style basement set up too? No. I think it will the be like the 'crypt'; TV gold, except this WILL be TV gold. Could do with some live feed now!

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: My brain had gone all rubbery

Don't you just love it when your Sky planner misses off the first part of your favourite show? Paula's brain has gone 'all rubbery'. Take that sheepskin hat off, then. Her 'products' do just revolve around sheep shearing, don't they? Somewhere in Wales, there's a field of sheep, shivering. And somewhere just above Wales, there's a spaceship full of sheep, zooming off into the galaxy. Baaaaaaaaaa!
The randomiser machine: is that just Guinevere by a different name? Set of balls number one! I hope there's an independent adjudicator present. I always think that independent adjudicator on Deal or No Deal has the cushiest job ever. She seals boxes. It's just like working for Amazon, but she gets to hang out with Noel Edmonds, too. Win.
Heidi's got a bad mood task face on! How come they didn't get Heidi to pass the item it to a boy and see if Spencer kicked off? I've met girls like Heidi before; insecure bags of slop who think every woman on the planet fancies her boyfriend/ husband, whatever it is. Don't worry, Barbie, no one fancies it! I think Spencer is enjoying the jealousy. Bet he wouldn't want to go mouth to nearly-mouth with Rylan.
Heidi is 'not OK'. Aint that the truth. I hate it when people say 'inappropriate' in the Big Brother house! Nothing is inappropriate in the Big Brother house except racism, all the other isms and violence. Heidi's a bit of a cunt, isn't she? She simpers enough to him, but then takes out all her rage she's holding in on others.
Of course Spencer 'doesn't want to do it'. Is he growing that beard again? Ban the bum fluff! When is he going to have HIS surgery? He fucking needs it. Heidi did a cry-trip. LOL.
Spencer smirking in the DR. 'Big Brother doesn't care about marriages.' Nor do you, haven't you been married three times? What is that red shirt Spencer is wearing? He looks like a fucking elf.
This task is dumb. Are they trying to poison the housemates this year? I'm surprised Heidi and Spencer are doing it. I wouldn't put that pig's tongue in my mouth for a million quid. What is this, I'm a Celebrity? I'm not interested in people eating gross stuff. That's not what Big Brother is about. Who threw up in the sick bag?! That fish is so gross. I would rather die.
LOL Spencer just yacked. Hilarious. Thought they were going to throw this task! I think they were enjoying it. They're quite competitive in a way.
'And no kissing!' cheers the chipmunk. I'd rather my boyfriend snogged Lacey and wore her pants on his head than I had to put a bull's penis in my mouth.
LOL, Razor and Claire are 'thinking about working out.' Like the Chawners! I watched seven of those 'Chawners last chance' shows about Britain's 'fattest family' in a row. I loved their excuses for not exercising: 'It's a bank holiday', 'Peter Andre's show is on.' Then the girls were saying they walked for four hours a day and they were eating 600 calories whilst piling the pounds on. Then one grassed the other up for eating a million scones. The dad was the biggest joke though refusing to work in a florists as he had to work for a woman and it would make him 'look like a poof.' Lovely, lovely people. Actually the girl's are OK, they just need to run for their LIVES. Literally. RUN!
Heidi's 'the happiest she's ever been in her life'. Really?
Rylan, you get what you want, and you never want it again. The great goddess Courtney Love wrote these words and she's not often wrong (well...)
Heidi's got a big butt on her, are those implants? Rylan: 'She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.' Even Toadfish is brighter than that dumb bitch. Imagine if Rylan met Will Self, or even Nicky Campbell. His brain would explode.
I suppose Rylan IS a Brian Belo type, but I loved Brian Belo, and all the hate for him puzzles me. Brian and Samanda were legends. Funny, guileless, dumb as fuck. Entertaining housemates! Why would people moan about entertaining housemates? It's like people who hated Nikki Grahame; or morons, as I like to call them. You couldn't write a character like her. Fair enough when she went back in she played up to her stereotype, but that was Big Brother's fault, not hers. They created that monster. I liked her and Pete's romance. That improbably small girl and large willy. *goes misty eyed*
Anyway, I digress. Paula is hanging out with some pebbles. Fair enough. Makes a change from the coconut.
This is another task that looks dangerously close to kissing. Heidi's got her stony face on. Paula: 'you've got to respect religion, you've got to respect their vows.' FUCK OFF. I don't respect killjoys, it's a just a stupid game. That said, I wouldn't want to lock lips with Razor Ruddock. Paula looks like a puffa fish. She's desperate to stay in, bless her.
LOL to Toadfish sticking up for Heidi and Spencer's 'religion'. Has there ever been a man more aptly named than Toadie? Get him a fucking fence to sit on! What IS their religion? Scientology? They're pretty weird Christians. Having said that, Christians love a tear up, don't they? I think Spencer has brainwashed the housemates as well as Heidi! Careful, they'll all be found dead under blankets come morning after drinking Spencer's 'Jesus Juice'. Except Spencer, of course. He'll be like, 'Did I say the world was going to end? I meant my career...'
Claire is getting the Basshunter/Lady Sovereign in a drawer treatment. Except it's not as funny. You can't recreate those magic moments, like Alex Reid vs the snowman.... aiishhhhhhhh! Where's the Tree of Temptation? In Big Brother Australia they had this cockney fish called Surly who was like the Tree of Temptation, he was lush. I've still not finished watching that show. But goddammit, I will! I'm on the final fortnight, ay. 
They could have at least played a decent Steps song in the torture room. Oh...
Uh oh, stealing food/drink NEVER goes down well. Mind you, there's enough of them sharing it; what have they got, one beer? Rylan: 'Paula wouldn't want to be woken up, even if there was a fire.' It looks like that ship has already sailed, tbh.
Is there an eviction tomorrow?! Bring it on, baby. I'll get the old boot in, you can bring the bull's willy.