Thursday, 3 January 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch show

Well, hello there and happy new year. Tonight's the night! And the best part: no Jim Davidson! That could have been a bit awkward after he called Brian 'a shirtlifter' and worse on another reality show, so I'm sure Brian is feeling smug that old Jim was arrested for sex offences, ironically whilst flying into Heathrow to appear on BB. I hate people who talk of karma, but it does seem quite just. On the other hand, Brian is looking quite botoxed, so not sure he could have frowned at Jim anyway.
Hmm, not sure about this 'theme' stuff - it normally interrupts the flow of things.
First up, Frankie Dettori, jockey and cockhead. Has he got 'little man syndrome'? We'll soon find out. 'One minute of madness.' Yeah, right. Just one line was it? Wasn't that the same excuse Frankie Cocozza gave? Is this the best they could do for the first housemate? We all know sportspeople have no personality.
Christ, look at the crowd, it's like Shaun of the Dead.
Yay, Rylan! Now we're talking. It might be worth putting a few quid on Rylan, you know, who could beat him? He's funny as fuck. I'll never get over his anecdote about being mugged by a fox; just pure poetry. I'm so glad they put him in. Are some people actually booing Rylan? You homophobes. My boyfriend just honestly went 'who's this child' about Frankie Dettori still standing on stage. I think they might get on well.
So Rylan and Frankie get to choose who goes in the basement; well JLC is first up, if he's going in the house. I'm in the basement, you're in the sky, etc.
When Rylan's having to explain a task to someone, you know you're in trouble. The Diary Room chair looks like the Streetcars chair in Corrie, like someone's just chucked an old rug on it.
Morrissey wrote a song about this situation: 'I feel too cold... and then I feel too warm again.' Actually, on second thoughts, this task doesn't seem too bad. So Rylan and Frankie choose out of pairs who gets to live in luxury and who lives in squalor. It depends who they pair them up with, I suppose.
Frankie's strategy is to 'see how the celebrities walk'. Rylan: 'if they're horrible, fuck 'em off.' Sounds like a better strategy.
So Paula Hamilton is up next. She's barely a celebrity. Didn't she drunk drive into a tree recently, and said she was going out to get Lemsip or some shit. 'Boris is a coconut and I speak to him.' WTF. Don't 'summon yourself up', Paula. She's like a poor man's Stephanie Beecham or Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's mum. Lemsip, Beechams, what's next? Send this bitch to the basement. She's got Del Boy's jacket on so she'll be warm in that basement.
Who the fuck is Trisha Penrose? Is this Jim Davidson's replacement? This is a fucking barrel scrape. She needs to put some Spanx on. Some people shouldn't wear body-con dresses (and I'm one of them). She looks like mutton dressed as offal. I don't remember her from Corrie. Good friends with Denise Welch? I wouldn't admit to that, the old lush.
The basement is probably what Paula Hamilton's crack den looks like anyway. 
I love Rylan's turn of phrase: 'this is just muggy.' Big Brother: 'they are both bubbly.' Well, Paula's not that fat. Rylan: 'we're fucking sorry about this.' Say it how it is.
They've got name badges on, I'm sure they don't normally have them, it's like an episode of Deal or No Deal.
At least Paula's jacket will keep her warm. That tap dripping would drive me fucking nuts. She won't be laughing for too long.
What's the betting either Frankie or Rylan have to go to the basement, too?  I think Rylan will nominate himself if it comes to it.
Toadfish times. You can't trust a man who stays in a soap for 18 years, it's like Ken Barlow. He looks skinnier than I remember. That car crash looked good. I hope he doesn't say 'ay' at the end of every sentence like the housemates on Big Brother Australia. I can't imagine him being that interesting. So his name is Ryan Maloney. I'd rather see Toad from Mario Kart or Christopher Maloney in there.
Next up is Gillian Taylforth, also known as Ian Beale's mum, reminiscing about her wonderful rape storyline. What about her wonderful getting caught giving her husband a blowjob in a lay-by storyline? Oh no, that was real life. She looks quite good actually, she obviously has a good surgeon. I used to think she was good in Footballers' Wives. LOL to Frankie calling Gillian 'Kathy'. I'm surprised they sent Toadfish down. I think Frankie just wants to meet Kathy. I could see these two harridans getting on (Gillian and Trisha).
Paula couldn't even be bothered to get up when Toadfish came in. Ha, she thought he was a member of staff. 'I'm an actor'. Can you call yourself an actor when you've played the same role for 18 years?
My boyfriend is whittling about the format but it's no worse than the normal slog of the launch show.
Fucking hell, man someone who was in Corrie when he was 10. Sam Robertson. I've watched Corrie all my life and I don't recognise him. Is he the fill in for Jim Davidson? It's hard to choose, isn't it. Terrible line-up. Really poor. He's not bad looking but I bet he's boring as fuck.
Lacy Banghard. I'm guessing she's a porn star? Just a hunch. She's quite cute, but I find the glamour models so dull. Still, the Playboy twins last year broke the mould by having personalities, and interesting ones at that.
I think Sam fancies himself the most. Brian can't hear what's going on - oh dear. Rylan wants Sam upstairs! Haha, outvoted. Lacy looks pleased as punch. It would probably have been more fun to see her suffer. 'Hi, I'm Lacy Banghard, how do you do?'
So far I have recognised less than half of these people. 12 seems like a bit of a tight number of celebrities too, I'm sure they have more.
Next up is Claire Richards. At least she's famous. She seems like a right moody bitch in all those Steps reality shows. Lets hope she's less of a fence-sitting little sniveling bore than her bandmate H who stood back and watched Shilpa Shetty get racially abused when not moonlighting as Donny Tourette's stepladder. She's my favourite member of Steps though, if it was Lisa Scott-Lee or Faye 'HR' Tozier I couldn't bear to watch. My boyfriend is commenting unkindly on her size, but we've just got a new TV and I think it's making her look a bit squashed. She has got murder gloves on. I like her hair colour. I think she's really pretty.
Neil Razor Ruddock. He's another wife-beater, isn't he? He's definitely a sexist prick. Another fat, gross sportsperson. Just stick him, Gazza and Phil Tuffnell in a blender and we'll be done. We don't need another Vinnie Jones, thanks. Send this cunt to the basement. I knew Rylan would want to meet Claire. LOL, Frankie doesn't like Razor.
It's all women in the house, it's like when they all waited for Ziggy and Brian Belo to arrive. It's like a really rubbish hen party.
Lastly, it's Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know nothing about them except he's a knob and she mutilated herself beyond words. I think these two will actually be good value. Unlike almost everyone else we've seen so far. Why is he wearing that camo gear? I think he's prepared for the basement. Are they counting as one housemate or two? Why had no one done the back of her hair? He's really fucking ugly. I think I'm going to love to hate him. Did Heidi just call Rylan 'a big popstar'?
Ha, Rylan and Frankie sent Heidi and Spencer to the basement together rather than take their place there. I don't bloody blame them! Spencer is mad. Frankie: 'there's plenty of shit coming on the horizon.' Spencer is going to be a great villain, I think. Married three times? Publicity whores!
Rylan on Heidi: 'she seemed half decent, she's had a lot done, but good luck to her.' Ha!
I want to put £50 on Rylan. I'm sure his odds are awful as he's probably the deadest cert since Mad Pete, but really, who could beat him?
No need to play Florence at the end to compound the misery. Depending on how long they're in the basement, it could really make a difference to the outcome, I hope they don't drag it out too much, I hate it when they do that with tasks.
Now where the fuck were Justin Lee Collins and Meatloaf?
This will all be extrapolated on further on our silly podcast, if you care to listen at in an hour or two, you can click on it, just on the right there. *points* Goodnight!

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