So in the interests of 'research' I decided to do a quick Hills binge before I have to cancel my Netflix this week. I skipped most of the stuff with Lauren; I don't like her at all, and I can't STAND that Whitney and her weird owl face. I don't like scripted reality shows full stop, if I want to watch bad acting, I'll watch Doctors. Basically, I was only interested in what the deal was with Heidi and Spencer, and now I'm up to season 3, episode 3, it has become abundantly clear. She was totally and utterly brainwashed by him. He cut her off from her friends in classic style, making her think it was her decision, forcing her to move in with him, and then proposing within a year. All massive red flags. She looked sad from day one. And you may say their 'relationship' is more 'equal' now - and maybe it is - but this Heidi is a product of what he did to her, fabricated reality or not. It was sad to watch someone being abused like that. And I'm sure it gets a million times worse. But there you go. I solved that mystery so you didn't have to. You can thank me later.
It's funny looking at how they look physically now after watching all that; I must admit, there was a distinct lack of teacher fleeces on The Hills and Spencer was dressed quite smart. Maybe he gave up on fashion when he got into the New World Order. Or he just got his Stepford wife so he didn't have to bother anymore.
I liked Rylan reliving the highlights of his year; you do never know what's round the corner, and sometimes it's something awful, not just appearances on Daybreak.
We spotted him pop up on Gordon Ramsay this year. He over-egged it with 'if someone was to make a film of my life, what a watch.' You can't say things like that about yourself. Well, you can, but it sounds boastful and hurts your (and my) chances of winning.
Heidi's hair looks straggly and yellow. It's weird seeing them all tanned and young and now they're all deformed and rotten. How you behave does affect your looks - sometimes.
Oh God, Rylan, STFU. 'It's nice being in here with the celebs and not having to mix with the plebs.' (not a direct quote, but the gist) My heart bleeds!
Are Big Brother trying to stitch Rylan up tonight? How come they're suddenly showing him singing all the time? I want to hear Heidi's album! And I heard Spencer has a rap album about info wars. That's entertainment.
Jamie East is in the house! Oooh. Are THESE questions real? Is anything real? Jamie looks weird without his beard. I can see Rylan's ginger roots! Who teamed Rylan and Claire with Spontag?
Toadfish is such a martyr, I can't BEAR IT. Saying Claire's like a lumpy potato is a bit harsh. Even I wouldn't say that.
Spencer does look like an axe-murderer. Heidi looks none too impressed.
Razor is a dirty warthog. Except one with it's balls cut off. I think we could have seen more of that quiz and it could have been harsher.
Spencer to his wife: 'we need to get you on a celebrity stripper show.' WTF! She didn't even respond.
I hate it when people go 'it's me, it's me' when they're waiting for the eviction results. It never is the person who says that.
Ha to Razor laughing that Frankie got evicted before him. That was funny. It was cute when Frankie said, 'I'll see you at the races.' Frankie told great stories? We never heard any! Did you see him on BOTS last night, you couldn't shut the fucker up. Maybe his man was there to meet him.
Toadie doing what he does best; toadying up. 'Well done for getting to the final' to Spontag. I'd be like, get to fuck.
Razor, you patronising prick. Heidi's been called a stripper and thick tonight.
Rylan must realise that people are voting for Spontag for the entertainmentz. We don't have to trust them. We don't even have to like them.
Razor's happy he got some cheers. I like him better than I did before he was on this show, that's for sure, so he's achieved his objective with me, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled about.
Spencer: 'we're moving to England.' Er... do you have to?
Wasn't being on X Factor more fun than being tormented by Speidi, Rylan? And what's with these sexist adverts?
Rylan and Rylan are getting their letters from home now. Shame Razor can't read a letter. Did a small child write 'fucking hell'? Ryan's kid can tell the time? I couldn't tell the time until I was 9. I just pretended I could before that. Heidi was cracking over the letter a bit, even though it underhandedly slated her. Icy pops!
I love Rylan getting all emotional. Even Heidi's properly crying now. Spencer probably programmed her settings wrong this morning. She's cracked. Notice when she got emotional Spencer didn't even notice, and Claire went to comfort her. That was the real Heidi, wasn't it? The Heidi who'll never be a mother; unless Spencer falls off a cliff.
Rylan is pillaging the Big Brother house! I don't blame him, I would, too. Big Brother is mean making him give them back.
Heidi 'styles' Spencer? Must try harder. She should try Rylan style instead.
I have a bad feeling in my heart tonight, and I'm not sure if it's my Hills binge, or the fact I might lose £50, or that I'm watching this alone, or it's nearly over, but I really hate seeing all the nasty comments towards Rylan. People saying he's a bully, or he swears too much, or he's 'too camp' (and we know what that really means). Whatever you think of him, he's harmless. You might find him contrived, or fake. I don't think he is. I think he's just a nice guy. And I don't want those cunts to snatch it from him. Not for me. But for him. And for ENGLAND!!! For Queen and country, give it to our boy from Essex.
See you at the finish line.