Christmas Top of the Pops 2013

It's that time of the year again - time to be sat in a room and tortured. No, not being in the same vicinity as your family for Christmas, but by facing the onslaught of Christmas TOTP. I've blogged this for the past few years, so I suppose it's a tradition, like having a festive punch up, or puking up. 

With the spectre of Jimmy Saville hanging over the show - and now the reminder of real-life monster Ian Watkins (no, not that one) permeating round Fearne Cotton - we look to Reggie Yates for some wholesome entertainment, ha. Heaven help us. 

First up, John Newman. I don't know who that is. He sounds like he has a mouth full of biscuits. It's like Prof Green, Plan B and James Arthur have been mashed into one person, as if the three of them weren't bad enough (I actually like James Arthur, even though that's not socially acceptable). 

Oh no, I'm not going to know who anyone is, am I? Old age! I curse you. 

My mums boyfriend just came in to discuss Ian Watkins. Fearne Cotton: you are now firmly associated with baby rape. I don't think even she deserves this. 

I have seen Chase and Status on some Glastonbury footage, I think. Is anything new anymore? Everything is referencing or sampling something else. Dear God, I AM OLD. 

Next up: Boyzone. Gately was the only likeable one, really. One looks like a potato. One ruined Corrie. One has tattoos and some quirky eyebrows. One 'nearly got punched in a fight, it's alright.' But is it? 

I don't understand this Rizzle Kicks thing. It sounds like Suggs. It makes me want to smash a cup, too. Is that a trombone? Yegads. 

Who is Tom Odell? Is he for those who find Ed Sheeran a bit perky? 

Ah, here's Jessie J, she'll get things going. Seriously, who are her fans? I've never met one. She's channelling Brian Molko with 'your only friend is your phone.' Except he's good. I would happily watch her burn. BURN! Burn her. 

I'm getting hungry now. My mum's boyfriend is shocked I don't know who this indie band is - Bastille. The frontman looks like Nick Grimshaw. There's too many beards in indie at the moment. I refuse to like any band containing more than one beard. This is not doing anything for me. No amount of confetti can melt my grinch heart. 

The Saturdays look waxy. Have they been reanimated? Does anyone know anything about any of these women? They are like girlband Sims. There's not a personality between five of them. And a couple of bras wouldn't go amiss. People are eating. 

Oh God, not more garage! Is garage back now? I missed who this was but it's another Plan B type, someone looking creepy in a coat, and sounding like Daniel Beddingfield. Is this what we want from a popstar? I didn't ask for this.

Even my mum - who you'd think was the target audience - is appalled by the sight of James Blunt. Imagine being in James Blunt's backing band. I'd rather be Jedward's guitarist. The drummer's got his scarf on, ready to leave. It's like watching Prince William get up to sing a carol at Christmas. 

There's now an argument going on about bread sauce. This is in real life, not on TOTP. 

I'm getting fucked off now. Not more shouty sub-garage, sub-trance, sub-drum-and-bass. This is virtually the same song that was on at the start. I need a wee. There's no pause. I want my dinner. 

Is there no rap or rock in the world anymore? 

Ellie Goulding is so awful she's making me pine for Olly Murs. 

Who are OneRepublic? Is this a man band? Who's the audience for this turkey shit? This band is seedy. 

My mum is upset that McFly haven't been on. I think even I'm upset that McFly haven't been on. That's how bad this has been. 

And number one is... Sam Bailey. Oh well, at least after today I'll never have to hear this song again. Happy Christmas. 

Live: Placebo at Brixton Academy (16 December 2013)

I arose from my pit to go to my annual gig last night (although I think I saw Desaparecidos this year too) and staggered out to Brixton Academy to see Brian and the boys (and girl). I decided on my usual no coat/ no drinks policy to get as close as possible: I didn’t count on pissing down rain and a car going through a puddle at high speed in Brixton soaking us from head to foot. Oh, well. At least any beer splashed on me after this point seemed harmless.

We just caught the end of support act Toy, who looked quite decent, and slinked down the side, so we were one place behind the barrier on the side (my favourite spot). The people around us seemed quite normal. So far, so good.

No dirgy intro vids with Placebo (I’m looking at you, Morrissey), they hit the stage promptly soon after nine, opening with crappy single B3 –‘ passion flower, catherine wheel’, check. Still it was exciting to see our Brian on the stage. I knew the set would be new album heavy which I didn’t mind as I really like the new album but they played such a lot of other songs that it didn’t seem that way. I wanted to hear a mix of brand new or quite old, and I wasn’t disappointed.

 Loud Like Love was the first one they played and ‘breathe, breathe, believe’ sounded epic at this volume (and right by the speakers).

The last album was only touched on with the Gameboy kitsch of For What It’s Worth and later, Speak in Tongues, which was pretty much the right balance (although I did miss Battle for the Sun). Me and my boyfriend exchanged glances when they played Twenty Years as neither of us like it, as it seems to go on for twenty years, but actually the second half of the song is quite good live. I might need to give it another chance. They followed it with the unmatchable Every Me, Every You (the only time a song has ever been ‘reimagined’ live to be better than the original) which really got the energy going. The couple next to me were very enthusiastic!

Too Many Friends was brilliant and made highly ironic by all the camera phone idiots filming it whilst Brian sang the line, ‘when all people do all day, is stare into a phone’. The camera phones, and the size of them, do make me feel a bit old, and the bouncers were like vultures, pouncing on anyone who was filming rather than taking a pic. One particularly annoying girl got hers knocked out of her hand by a bouncer after he’d told her a few times, and it seemed to stop working, which cheered me up immensely, as she’d been bumping into me about five minutes before. Thems the breaks, indeed.

Scene of the Crime was really good (handclaps! Washing machine!) and Rob the Bank is gloriously stupid. A nice surprise was Space Monkey, one of many tracks off Meds to follow (although sadly not Because I Want Youuuuuuuuu-ooooooo). My boyfriend recognised Space Monkey long before I did. I must admit, I still do pine for the toy megaphone. I think a computer does the voice distortion now. Still, better than when he just did it with his own hands one year. Space Monkey and all the fab Meds songs bring back memories of the best Placebo Gig EVER Rock am Ring, with the sunset going down. I think we must have watched that about 20 times. Not that I was there. But I wish I had been. There were some good visuals for Space Monkey going on at Brixton, too. Next they played Blind, which is OK, but I don’t think I can ever get over the lyrics of ‘your eyes forever glued to mine’ – ouch.

It was lovely to hear Meds (was dancing quite a bit by this point) and not at all lovely to hear the terrible Song to Say Goodbye – not helped by a vertically challenged little dick trying to pick a fight with me. ‘Is there space there for a midget?’ No there isn’t, plus I’M a midget. He ended up pushing my boyfriend, which is always delightful. I just love leaving the house and mingling with the human race!

Anyway, this ended up as a bit of a result for me, as my boyfriend moved me in front of him, out of the midget eyeline, and I ended up having a better spot, just in time for the singalong greatness of Special K. The crowd was really going mad by this time, and there was a great atmosphere. By the time the first notes of The Bitter End kicked in, the roof was off. Yeah, I said it! The roof was off. Amazing.

After the encore, they came back and did the slowed down version of Teenage Angst (I’d prefer the normal version) and the epic Running Up That Hill. I love the way Brian sings ‘God’ as ‘Gaaaaaaad’.

The best part though, were the final two songs of Post Blue ‘It’s in the water, baby’ and the unstoppable Infrared. I was amazed they did so much off Meds, and if there’s a better line on record than ‘Someone call the ambulance/ there’s gonna be an accident’ I’d like to hear it. Just a fantastic way to end.

Brian doesn’t say much, but he doesn’t need to, the songs do the talking. He and Stefan have a great rapport with the crowd, and with each other, and looked genuinely happy to be there. And despite a puddle and a self-proclaimed midget threatening to ruin things, the force than is Placebo could not be ruined. Thanks for a good night, Brian. 

The X Factor - Love and heartbreak

The flash vote is shit! Bring back deadlock, dumbasses.
Ugh, this prison officer loves football. So she's a control freak and a misogynist. Notice she mentioned football before her husband as the great love of her life. She looked cute in her wedding pics: must be hard work in those prisons! Surprise, surprise she's singing some boring arse song that you'd rather punch yourself in the face than listen to. I wish they'd make them just do new songs FFS. I'm tired of hearing fucking Whitney, Mariah and all that bollocks. Half the time you could be watching an X Factor from five years ago. My only hope is that as she's on first, people won't vote for her. I'm sure my mum loves her, I'm sure yours does, I personally think she's a boring, plate-faced personality void. No offence, ha! Even Nicole is saying she doesn't like it. Jam-honesty! Louis is pretending like he thought of the 'Screw-bo' joke. He didn't.
Dear God, even Kingsland Road like football?! I thought they were meant to be hipsters. This song is pure cheese. I wish they'd be a bit edgier. And if you believe that all of them are straight - clue, the black one definitely isn't - then you must be mad. I'd say up to three of them are probably gay. The dance routine was fucking awful. Them winking and leering was gross. The only thing that was OK was their singing.
I pretty much missed Nicholas's performance as I find that song so dreary and I was ranting about something on FB. So I missed Sharon's paedo comments. Oh well.
Abi's funereal version of Can't Get You Out of My Head was profoundly depressing. Is there a song on the planet that this bitch won't ruin? Everything about her annoys me; the budget specs, her boring personality and sub-indie schmindy ick music she does. I thought Sharon gave her some great advice. My advice would be, try spending more than £100 on your glasses. It's a worthwhile investment.
I like James Arthur in the audience all awkward. He was someone worth championing last year.
Oh Christ, Shelley is singing Single Ladies, probably one of the most offensive songs on the planet. That lyric 'if you like it then you should have put a ring on it' is both a disservice and insult to women everywhere. But what can you expect from a woman who's main interest in life seems to be seeing how many species she can endanger with her revolting husband? This song is a crime against women. Needless to say, Shelley is no Beyonce. But at least she's not Illuminati.
Oh so Miss Dynamix can't sing because the pregnant one is ill. This will give the misogyny brigade some more grist for their mill. 'She should be at home, waa waa waa'. Shut up.
I wish Sam Callaghan would take a walk... I don't mind where, could be into a canal, or just off a cliff, not bothered, really. He has the charisma of a potato. He has a face like a potato. Except I like potatoes. He just sounded like he was on the loo for the high bit. I don't think he's going to go the distance, I really don't.
I like Tamera. I just don't like this song. But I do think she could win it - she has a talent and stage presence the others don't have. I wish they wouldn't keep changing her look each week, I liked her blonde.
So Luke has been put in a boat this week. When's the water coming to make him fuck off? I'd like to see him and his pathetic hair bobbing off into the distance. Things I know about him: hair. mum. It's not enough to be a popstar, kiddo! You just haven't earned it yet baby. He's got a hanky hanging out of his back pocket. Apparently this means you're gay, and you're saying what type of gay sex you like. I'll leave you to fill in those gaps. I will say that he did appear to be able to carry a tune tonight, which is more than I can say for previous weeks.
Rough Copy have gone a bit cheeseball this week, too. Some interesting clothing going on there, too. I like them, but hope they don't get too watered down. I liked one of them whipping the mic off Dermy.
This backstage bit with Caroline Flack is just boring padding and filler. She's better than this!
If I never have to hear anyone sing 'Beautiful' again, I'd appreciate it. I like Hannah, though. She looks cool and she seems lovely, and she sang with passion. Aw, her comments were cute at the end.
Are Kingsland Road really in the bottom two? What a load of shit. Neither of those groups should be in the bottom two. Hmm. Bad buzz. Bring back deadlock!

The X Factor - the results

I don't think I'm going to be blogging a lot of these results shows. I've just got this feeling that I'm not going to get into X Factor this year. Get Lucky isn't really helping; hearing the original is enough to make me want to vomit. What's with the gyrating?! Make it stop. Bring back the Dermot trouser talk - it's less gratuitous.
Oh God, now we've got to put up with Ellie Goulding and her enormous moon face singing about something insignificant. Did the world request another Sharleen Spiteri when my back was turned? This song is just what I expected; a big pile of nothing. Who are her fans? Really? Even her thighs on show are unexciting. This is music for people who find Ed Sheeran a bit edgy. And she probably got her career bankrolled by her daddy, just like that hobbit.
No deadlock! WTF. Deadlock is the best bit of the results show. That sucks. I wonder why they've got rid of that. Probably because Louis kept fucking it up. That's going to remove quite a bit of suspense, actually.
Cher is on next. No, not Cher Lloyd, 'if I could turn back time' Cher.
The 'flash vote' actually ruins some of the suspense of tonight, too, because we already know one of the people on the block. Why are they meddling with all the suspense?! Leave that suspense where it is. Didn't they also tell us last night that it would be two people in Sharon's group going home, or did I dream that?
So Lorna and Shelley are in the bottom two. I feel sorry for Lorna, I like her! I wish it had been Luke.
I think the problem with Shelley is they've feathered her fringe a bit, and it looked better blunt. No wonder it's knocked her confidence: no one wants a wispy fringe. What's she wearing? Looks like she's going for a job interview. I guess she might be later.
Did Sharon just forget Lorna's name, or was she pausing for dramatic effect? Lorna also has 'work trousers' on, unflattering ones. Lorna is better than Shelley. Case closed.
Why is Sharon drinking out of a teacup, who does she think she is, Lady Gaga? She's abstaining from voting. She's becoming so affected, I've forgotten what her real personality is.
What the fuck! Did they really send Lorna home? She blew Shelley AWAY. I honestly can't believe that. I'm shocked. I thought Louis was just hamming it up when he voted for Shelley. Also, Lorna got more votes than Shelley, shouldn't that be taken into consideration by the judges, what the public want? Boo. Not sure I'm going to carry on blogging X Factor. I don't really care, and I'm not sure anyone else does. Huff!

The X Factor - 80s night

Why, hello there. Oh, God, it's 80s night. I hate the 80s. The only band I like from the 80s are The Smiths and I can't see someone busting out Panic tonight. I'll be happy to take that back if they do.
Is it just me or is Dermot looking a little tired? Maybe he's just getting old, or he's tired of life, or he's tired of X Factor. More likely he's just tired of bouncing from foot to foot like the world's oldest schoolboy.
Sharon Osbourne walked out like she was someone with a walking stick on Jeremy Kyle, pretending they're disabled to get benefits. She's also dressing like an old dear, now, too.
Are they all pointing at Dermot's willy? Is that normal? It's a family show, etc. What sort of person looks at people's crotches anyway? It's creepy!
Hannah's on first: the shit spot. Best sing up, girl. I like her blue eyeshadow and that building behind her. I do not like her outfit. That skirt is vile. I also do not like this song. The only pop song I like from the 80s is Freedom by Wham. Oh, and I like Like a Prayer, but I think that was 90s. I thought that was quite a lacklustre start to the show, to be honest. Her performance was stiff and the song was crap.
I like Nicholas. I do not like Spandau Ballet. I do not like the fact I had to look up how to spell it. And I thought he sounded a bit flat in places. Is Nicole coming onto a fifteen year old? I think she is. Wow.
One of Miss Dynamix is pregnant. The way people were going on about it, you'd think she was disabled. Women have babies and jobs. Get over it. As for their performance, I thought it was a bit flat and their dance moves were a bit 'Jedward', ie. all over the shop. I do like them, though, so I hope they survive.
I really couldn't be less interested in this prison screw. Get your teeth fixed. Power ballads! Somebody shoot me. This episode has been boring as fuck so far. This Sam guy has a squashed face like he's run into a wall. His voice is drowning in backing vocals.
Kingsland Road have at least been entertaining, and appear to be able to sing. I think the 80s suits them - I mean, just look at their normal clothes. I think they could go quite a long way. It's like the X Factor's first hipster boyband.
I kind of missed Shelley as I was rummaging in a cupboard for things to sell on ebay. But I got the general gist.
The inspid Abi is doing Bon Jovi on the piano. Fuck off.
I like Lorna, but I have a feeling people won't vote for her because they're always pushing prison woman instead. Tamera is really good but I don't like this song.
Luke's up next. Does this dude have ANYTHING other than dirty hair. Looking like Worzel Gummage is NOT a route to becoming a popstar. He's singing out of tune as well.
Much as I like her, this bit with Caroline Flack is completely pointless. Isn't this drivel what Xtra Factor is for?
I like Rough Copy but I'm not feeling Phil Collins, to be honest. Nicole seems to think it was shamazing. I think Kingsland were the best of the lot tonight.
Oh, now there's some twist. Oh they're gonna choose the bottom two now. It's two of the overs! Well. Not really a shock.
Considering what a long show that was, this is quite a short blog. I don't know much, but I know that's not a good sign.

The X Factor: Judges 'Ouses (You're welcome edition)

I've wised up tonight and started watching this half an hour late. Bye bye ads!
The groups are going to New York. The girls are going to Antigua. Gary could be bothered to turn up, Nicole couldn't. Gary's got Olly Murs helping him. I miss Olly on the Xtra Factor, and I can't even stand him, but he's MILES funnier that this so-called comedian they've got on. I don't like the new format of Xtra Factor at all, which is a shame as I like Caroline Flack. I think she's very naturally funny (unlike her comedian co-host, ironically). I still Rylan would have been great on Xtra Factor. I do like him on BOTS but I think he would have been even better on Xtra Factor and got less Flack (soz).
Kingsland have been renamed Kingsland Road. Dear Lord, look what they're wearing! I think Queensland might have been more appropriate. One has braces and shorts on. He looks like a small man who would come out of a cuckoo clock. Two others look like they're dressed out of the school lost property box. They're definitely going to go through - I think they could go a long way.
Gary is doing his concentrating face watching this next group, the unfortunately named Brick City. He said they were his favourite so no doubt they're going to do crap. They've 'reimagined' Around the World by Lisa Stansfield. One has ankle high green socks on, and the lady of the group is wearing her dressing gown. Yep, as predicted, 'not much chemistry'. Groups like this with a mixture of boys and girls never get through. They don't have a clear audience.
Nearly all the groups and a god chunk of the girls are black. That makes a change. They'll probably squeeze as many white people through as possible, but there's even a black guy in Kingsland Road (I feel like a twerp even writing that band name). Who knew Gary was so all inclusive? No black people in Take That, were there!
I quite like Rough Copy. One of them always wears a dress and I think they can both sing. I can't remember the other one who had 'visa issues'. I like the fact that they didn't give Dermot the full hug either. Take that, Dermot (sorry).
I don't remember seeing Xyra ever before, so I don;t think that bodes well for them. They've 'reimagined' one and only Phil Collins classic 'In the Air Tonight' so now it doesn't have a tune. Interesting.
Code 4 have also lost a member. Why don't they call themselves Code 3 then! It's like Five all over again. NEVER have a number in your band name, or your Big Brother alliance. Any fool knows that. They are too cheesy for me. The way they ended that song made me want to puke. Olly: 'They gave 110%.' Should have kept the 10% back.
Have they seriously called this new group Miss Dynamix? How do Miss Dynamite and Little Mix feel about this? They are super cute. The blondish one sounds posh! I like the red haired one's voice. It's kind of husky. They are like the black Little Mix but better looking. They have to go through. I want them, Kingsland and Rough Copy to go through myself.
Now for the girls. The girls are the best category by a mile. Nicole Scherzinger is being an annoying show off. Nicole has got Mary J Bilge. At least she has a career, I suppose. She's a different class to Olly Murs but I find her somewhat impenetrable.
Wow, it looks beautiful where they are! Can I go on holiday there?
I like Tamera. I think she's really talented. I like it when people catch their breath between notes. I did prefer her blonde hair, though. Fucking hell, Scherzinger or Blige could have given her a cuddle when she was crying! Cold.
I like Jade! I love her voice and I love her look. I love the fact she has her arms out. She looks so cool compared to how she did when she was on it before. Just goes to show how changing your image can make you look like a completely different person. You can be a big girl and work it in a really individual way or you can be skinny and insipid (Melanie).
Ugh I can't stand this 'quirky' Abi girl. She's not even any good. I could name 500 real indie singers who are better than her. Her voice isn't even as good as toyboy tiger Diana Vickers.
I miss Relley's Cruella Deville hair! I like her, she's lovely. She was really fighting for it. Damn, I like too many of the girls! Nicole has a hard choice.  
Melanie bores the shit out of me. She's such a drip. I really hope she doesn't go through. Oh God, not 'this is my last chance' again. Push her off the pier. I do like that song she sang, and I do think she had a good voice, but I can't connect with her. Mary J seems quite emotional today.
Hannah is up next. I like the way she talks and she looks cool. 'I want to be in places like this'. I don't blame her, it looks like paradise there. Look at that water!
She made Nicole cry so that's a good sign. Ooh, Mary hugged her! That's a good sign, too. 'You're welcome'. So you've said.
I think I want Tamera, Jade and Hannah to go through. But I really like Relley, too. I can't decide! The girls are on a different PLANET to the boys and the overs. It's shame we can't have 5 girls and 1 over. It's criminal to let some of these go for prison officer woman, for example.
OK, so now we find out who Gary's putting through. First up is rag tag brood Kingsland (Road). Well, we know they're going through. Honestly, their clothes clash worse than mine. Charity shop eek.
'What about now, what about today, what about something... something...' Simon Cowell really likes this song, have you noticed? So WHAT about now? What? We'll never know. Oh, Kingsland got through.
Yay, Rough Copy got through! I'm glad, there's something likeable about them. Aw, Gary said he's going to try and get the other one back! That's so lovely! I hope that happens. Aw, sweet. That one crying was so lush. I want to cuddle them.
Hmm, will it be Brick City or Miss Dynamix? Seen as Gary put Miss Dynamix together, and Brick City seemed to be named after a bad session in the lav, the writing appears to be on the (toilet) wall.
I like the blonde one in Miss Dynamix's make up. She reminds me of Tamera! Gary put the three groups through I wanted! Who'd have thunk it?
I wish Abi would shut up about lacking confidence. You're on telly, you must be fairly confident. 'I can't get a no, I can't.' I hope you do.
I love the bow in Jade's hair! Oh no, Nicole dumped her again. That sucks! She BETTER NOT put Abi through instead. I'm going to flip. I don't like this bit where you can't tell who they're talking to. Oh no, Relley got dumped, too. Boo! Nicole is not choosing the people I want. I can't believe she chose Abi out of those three. She was dire. Also: should have worn waterproof mascara. I honestly can't see people picking up the phone for her. I really can't.
Tamera has the most amazing lips! She keeps going on about the bad things she did, I think it was smoking weed, wasn't it? Big deal. All this Nicole hasn't made up her mind bullshit doesn't wash with me. She knows exactly that she's taking Tamera through. It's all actressing!
Put Hannah through! Please don't put dopey Melanie through over her. Hannah has got heart. Melanie is as vacuous as a Disney princess. At least Nicole made the right decision there picking Hannah. I wish she'd put Jade through, though! Grr. It's cruel bringing people back and back and rejecting them again. Like the chairs. No Rylan theatrics this year, more's the pity. Ooh, she mentioned him! Do you think Nicole still talks to Rylan? He says she does, but come on.
Oh God, not this telling the families rigmarole again. I wonder how many people switch off at this point. I'm always amazed how big people's families are. There'd be like two or three people there for me, and only one would be a relation. I'd just get a shrug and a sausage in batter off my mum, my boyfriend and my best mate.
That was cute when Rough Copy were reuinited. I'm such a soppy sod! I need to get a grip. See you at the live shows. Not literally. I'll be sat on my couch as usual. Your weekend ends here.

The X Factor - Judges 'Ouses

Hello, and welcome to judge's 'ouses (always to be said in the style of Rylan Clark). Louis kicked off two of the boys I liked last week and instead picked posh Giles and some fat people. The musical-chairs-of-doom twist was unforgivable, and reassures me that the judges have neither nor soul or ethics. Here's your dream! Oh, no, give it to someone else. Sick fucks.
The girls category seems super strong; I think any of them could go through. As usual the oldies and the groups are a lame duck.
I know everyone hates Sharon, but I like her and her little dog, and she's more than a vast improvement on fun-vacuum drug-fixer Tulisa. 'Oh I don't do drugs, I just arrange for other people to get them.' That must be the most stupid thing I've ever heard, and I've seen her cousin Dappy on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
How Sharon has the gall to say the words 'the most incredible performer and writer' and then cart out the disgusting Robbie Williams is beyond me. He is the most gross, overrated, ugly, revolting piece of shit on the planet, with no redeeming features. I can't even look at him. He makes Gary Barlow look like he has the charm of Aaron Paul.
First up is the dowdy prison officer, giving it all the 'as a mother' bullshit. Spare me. She's so overrated. Her voice is not pleasant to listen to. I'm tired of Whitney. The standard on the US X Factor blows us out of the water. It really does. I've been really enjoying it!
Lorna is cute and has a nice voice. I think she deserves to go through. I bet you they put dowdy prison officer through over her, though. They always make the wrong decisions.
This next woman is 34? I am 33! She looks old enough to be my mother. I thought her audition was piss poor. It's a shame as I like her. I love her hair.
Another one going on about being a mother. And singing Coldplay. Double misery.
Fucking hell, this next one (Andrea) has bought a flute. She's yelping through High and Dry. Jesus, she just squeaked like when you tread on your cat's tail at the end.
This Joseph guy is an entitled prick, and is useless. I can't stand him! The way he was acting during musical fuck-you chairs was pathetic last week. Blah blah I'm broke, blah blah my son, that doesn't entitle you to be a popstar! He bummed a bunch of notes there. He's not even average, he's BELOW average. Pitiful.
Louis has brought someone from Westlife, someone from All Saints... and Sinitta. OK then. Which Appleton is this, Liam Gallagher's ex? All Saints are possibly the most boring girl band that ever existed.
First up from the boys is not-quite-committed-to-his-dreads, thingymebob. I'm so glad I'm too old to go out with boys who wear skinny jeans.
Next up is Sam who has a smug face. Take your bracelets off and grow up. It seemed like he was struggling to me, although he was better than the first one.
Ad chat: Oh Eminem. What has become of you?
Next up is Paul, who replaced the one I liked last week. This guy is the best one yet and he's still meh.
LOL to posh little twonk Giles singing 'You're Beautiful.' Get rid!
Ryan is another fat kid so no doubt there'll be some patronising 'which fat one will they put through' dramatics later. He was crap, too.
I like this one the best who sang 'a thousand years' last week. Why does he look like he's got a permanent black eye? Now someone's going to tell me it's some condition and I'm going to feel guilty. He looks he should be in Eden Lake, terrorising some middle-class people. I really hope they put him through, he's the only one I like. He's moved Barry from Westlife to tears.
OK, here we go. Not in the least bit surprised that as-a-mother-prison-warden got through. Hope they put Lorna through out of the next three. Oh, she is. Thank God. Those other two weren't good enough.
I hope they put the blonde fringey woman through over this knobhead going on as if he's the only man to have ever had a child on the planet. Yes. Sharon made the right choices.
Ad chat: Olly Murs makes me feel sick.
Lol Louis just said 'it's not good news... it's great news!' My boyfriend likes it when they say that. I don't care if Giles or fake dreadlocks or ruddy faced Ryan gets through. I only care about Nicholas! Sorry, Ryan, your left your job for nothing. Bad luck.
Ah, posh Giles got ditched. Boo woo. That means dready is through. I must admit, I prefer him out of the three. Louis's already trying to get him to wash his hair. He'll probably have a skinhead next week.
Oh, yes Louis put Nicholas through. Both fat ones got sent home! Discrimination! I actually think Louis made the right choices. Odd.
Ad chat: Gok. Get to fuck.
Oh now we have to watch them tell their families. Can't we watch the ones who went home and told their families they didn't get through? That would be more interesting. LOL, they ARE showing that, too. Hilarious. But THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Imagine having to be filmed telling your family you've not made it. That's horrid! I'd rather send them an email or something. Even that guy's MUM was entitled! When he said Sharon didn't put him through she goes 'you're joking'. No. He isn't.
Lorna was drinking from the bottle... good on her.
Is this over yet? I'm hungry. Too many adverts. And I don't like Xtra Factor anymore. I want something grim and gritty to watch after this. Ooh, I know, The Killing (US). I like Robocop dude.
See you tomorrow!

Placebo: Loud Like Love

Yes, it’s time for one of my album reviews, one where I go through every song and say what other songs by that artist I think it sounds like, because that’s what I want when I read music reviews, not a load of bluff and bluster and showing off.

So let’s begin. I love the new Placebo album! Not a surprise, you may think, but I was expecting to be disappointed for some reason. I think because Placebo just became this huge obsession and then we kind of cooled on it, I was expecting the decline to go further, but instead I could be just about to reignite my crush. Plus I’m going to see them in December which will be the first gig I’ve been to since Desaparecidos – woo.

Loud Like Love is the title track of the album and is just lovely, jangly guitars, atmosphere, ‘love on an atom, love on a cloud’ but what it’s all building too is the chorus chant of ‘breathe, breathe, breathe, believe’, which is a mantra I can get behind. It’s Placebo at their best, energetic, positive, singalong and catchy. You can’t go wrong unless you’re a total sourpuss.

Scene of the Crime begins with moody handclaps. The song has got a grimy feel to it, and hangs on the hook of the lyric ‘we almost made it, but making it is overrated’ which has a nice ring to it. There’s also a good crunchy dance bit in it (almost wub wubs, but not quite) that reminds me of the English Summer Rain days, and then there’s some Pierrot the Clown style piano. The end is quite theatrical with him just yelping ‘scene of the crime’ which is quite enjoyable. All in all, it feels very much like a Placebo track. Which is what you want, right?

Too Many Friends was the first song I heard from the album and I love it. The lyrics are absolutely ludicrous – ‘My computer thinks I’m gay, I threw that piece of junk away on the Champs-Élysées’ – but isn’t that what we want from Brian (except in Special Needs)? If you can get over the hump of the first verse (and the word ‘communiqué’) it’s actually an excellent song. I love the way it builds up and the chorus is great. Brian Molko moaning about people on their iPhones, you’ve got to love it. The climax of the song is ‘all that people do all day is stare into a phone’. I think he means ‘stare into their phones’ but it’s not the last bit of English he fucks up on this album. I love the ‘I’ll never be there’ lyric at the end, and can happily imagine him singing this live.

The next song is called Hold onto Me. Unfortunately there’s a Courtney Love song called this that’s better – a trap Placebo have fallen into before with their Devil in the Details (Bright Eyes got their first). This is the first partly dreary song on the album. It’s perfectly acceptable, but that’s not what I want from a pop song. I want to be stirred! Instead, it feels a little plodding and whiney. The piece de resistance is some muttering talking part, most of which I can’t make out, but he seems to be talking about some David Icke type shit about ‘the fourth and fifth dimensions’ and ‘this is the bridge to an entirely different energy level’. Ok, then.

Next up is Rob the Bank, which is like a more palatable Trigger Happy (cringe). The lyrics hit a new low here, including ‘rob the bank and pick your nose’ which had my boyfriend howling with laughter. It’s not a bad song, sort of Placebo by numbers, I think, but it is a silly one. There’s a bit of xylophone on it later which is nice for Bloc Party fans.

A Million Little Pieces – no, not just the excellent book that really pissed off Oprah Winfrey – but now a middling song on a Placebo album. Brian sings:  ‘No more glowing in the dark for my heart’ – probably for the best; sounds like a health condition. It’s not a bad song, but I feel it’s got delusions of grandeur; songs about leaving town always do, like someone having an internet strop and threatening to quit Twitter. I do however like the end piano bit where it goes ‘All my dreaming torn in pieces’ – this album has definitely mastered the art of a strong ending for each of the songs.

Exit Wounds has a drum beat that really reminds me of cool-videoed dance song by The Notwist – ‘Pick up the Phone’. This reminds me of the previous song in that it’s quite dark and moody – has Brian had his heart broken recently? This has a chorus that’s telling you it’s epic, but it’s not quite getting me. There’s also some really stinking lyrics here: ‘If I could I would hover as he’s making love to you, making rain as I cry.’ Dearie me. Why doesn’t anyone tell him? Come on Stefan, grow some balls. I do like the different parts to this song, it’s got a weird sound in the middle, and again a strong ending: ‘put me in the ground’, which is reminiscent of one of the best songs of all time; I Know It’s over by The Smiths. If I Know it’s Over is 10, then Exit Wounds is 878,985. But still.

I suspect Purify will be the next single, it just has that single-y feel to it, it kind of reminds me of For What It’s Worth off the last album. I do like it, but it’s like Breathe Underwater or something; it’s just there and energetic, but not grabbing me emotionally.

Begin the end namechecks heroin, and includes the words ‘misconstrue’ and ‘misapprehend’. It kind of reminds me of A Million Little Pieces in that it’s quite moody. I like the line ‘I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried, but there’s nothing you can do to change my mind’ because let’s face it, who’s not been there? My editorial side gets a little antsy after that, as there’s a line that goes, ‘And I don’t enjoy to watch you crumble, and I don’t enjoy to watch you cry.’ Surely he means ‘watching you crumble’? It’s like ‘someone tried to do me ache’ all over again. Brian; why do you do this to me? Apart from that bugging me every time  listen to it, it’s a decent song.

Bosco is the final song on the album, and really one of the best songs, almost the best song, in a way, after Loud Like Love. It’s an anti-ballad, and it had me crying in my car this morning (I was hungover though, and also cried at an advert on the side of a bus). The use of the word ‘happenstance’ is to be appreciated, even though you suspect it’s just to rhyme with ‘circumstance’ that comes next. He also shoehorns in the words ‘partisan’ and ‘belicose’, the second of which I had to look up. What is this, a Will Self book? Incidentally it mean ‘demonstrating aggression and willingness to fight’ which is probably a word I need to know (ahem). But the killer is the ending, just him repeating ‘how I suck you dry’ and it sounding like the saddest thing in the world. It’s another Placebo song with lofty ambitions, but this time it hits them. I want to say mesmerising but that sounds wanky, so I’ll say it’s something like mesmerising.

Finally, if you get the deluxe version of the CD, you get a DVD of some studio recordings of the tracks, which was very enjoyable to watch. Brian has Nancy Boy-era hair and looks very attractive (how does he stay so skinny?) and they seem to have sealed the drummer off in a plastic booth. I do think 10 tracks on an album is a bit tight; 12 even seems low, but at least the quality is good and there’s little filler. The song on the DVD that isn’t on the album is called Pity Party (of one). You can probably tell from the title that’s not going to be a winner. It’s like a less charming In the Cold Light of the Morning, so quite glad that didn’t make it onto the album. On the whole though, pleasantly surprised with the album and looking forward to seeing them in December, especially as the fans are all quite short so you normally get a good view. Win/win! 

Heart-Breaking Bad

I wasn’t first to the Breaking Bad party, but I started watching about a year in, when there was only one series. I remember thinking Walt would be dead by the end of season one. I also remember finding it a bit slow at first, which seems contradictory, but Breaking Bad has always been slow in parts, or maybe certain parts just seemed slow compared to the craziness of the rest of the show. Skyler and co sitting round with the talking pillow is a marked contrast to Walt blowing up Tuco’s ‘office’, for example, and don’t get me started on the bloody ‘Fly’ episode (yes, it’s a metaphor, blah blah). So Breaking Bad has always had light and shade, but the shade has gone virtually to black right now. The first series, in particular, seems cartoonish in its violence, and is full of laughs. The high octane thrills of cooking in the RV, the acid bath fuck up, the van breaking down, and things like Jesse’s answerphone message and Walt Junior’s fundraising website seem very far away. I’m really glad that I rewatched the whole thing up to the halfway point of season 5 before I watched the final 8 episodes, because it would be harder to watch the whole lot without feeling real sadness now, rather than the excited anticipation I had before.
In a way I wish I could ‘unwatch’ the last seven episodes, although the finale was absolutely fantastic. I suppose I wanted the obvious ending of Walt vs Hank – I felt like that’s what we’d been waiting for – that’s what we’d been building up to. For me, some of the final episodes became too far-fetched, and it began with Hank on the toilet. I always wanted him to see Walt in the Heisenberg hat! I also wanted Jesse to have the Trainspotting ending (which he did – in part), not to be psychologically abused. It also felt like the writers were so desperately to tie up loose ends – like Jane and Grey Matter, which both seemed irrelevant, but then the final scene in Gretchen and Elliot’s house was edge-of-seat brilliance.  When the lasers appeared on their chests, I jumped out of my skin. I felt like in the two episodes before the finale the heart of the show was lost –Walt and his family, which includes Jesse. But then I suppose that only served to make the ending more impactful. Still: what a lot to put us through. It was like in the Lion King when they kill Simba’s dad: how do you come back from that? With a machine gun, in this case.
I was still on Walt’s side right up to the Hank stand off in the desert; I know a lot of people had deserted (!) him long before that, but that was the final straw for me personally. I don’t see how Walt could go from warning Saul to never suggest Jesse being killed, to Walt offering Jesse up and telling Jesse he killed Jane in a couple of episodes? It didn't ring true. I felt like they were writing by committee and losing sight of the characters a bit at this point. I know other people feel otherwise, but the heart of the show for me was always the two of them against the world that one couldn’t and wouldn’t ‘run the business’ without the other.
The false ‘confession tape’ also felt out of character, and especially for Skyler: would she really have done that to Hank and Marie? I know she’s gone rogue, but that felt like a step too far. And ordering a hit on Jesse! Similarly, Jesse going to the DEA. Never the DEA! It didn’t feel right; Jesse isn’t a rat. I kept waiting for him to climb out of a window with the confession tape.
Jesse’s realisation that Saul and his cronies stole the ricin was also pure soap opera and a stretch, and Breaking Bad has never felt that way before. There could have been a lot more interesting ways for him to find out about Brock.
The fight between Skyler and Walt with the knife was great and horrible; but Walt’s cry of ‘we’re family!’ was also proper Peggy Mitchell. It felt like real domestic violence in that moment, though. The whole façade fell to pieces.
I also felt cheated out of the scenes where Gomez and Flynn were told about Walt; I know we were short on time by this point, but those type of reactions are what we’ve been waiting for; and if we can waste 30 minutes on Walt hanging out in a cabin, I feel like we could have had those moments. I wanted those moments.
My final criticism – and I’m criticising the show because I love it – is that I also felt like the way Hank was dispatched was just too much to bear for my little heart. It had always been Walt and Skyler, Hank and Marie, and it just felt hopeless once Hank was gone. Also, when Jesse nearly escaped and they bumped off the dozy Andrea: it just felt too cruel, too much to deal with. I remember when Gus and Mike first turned up I thought the show had gone ‘dark’ – but they seem highly likeable in comparison to the horrible Todd and the grating Lydia. I feel like far too much time of the last few episodes have been wasted on these unpleasant characters, when we could have had a good old fashioned cat and mouse game with Hank’s family and Walt’s family – but then again, the way they wrapped it all up at the end was more than I could have asked for.
It was a brilliant touch to bring back Badger and Skinny P (I called it!) and there were so many other glorious bits; Walt’s heart-wrenching goodbye to Holly (I cried), his confession (finally) that he did it for himself ‘I liked it’, the final bit of science with the rotating gun (I’d like to see Mythbusters pick the bones out of that one) and of course; him saving Jesse. That was his fault that Jesse was in that situation in the first place was not lost. But he saved him. So many more nice touches; uncle Jack smoking his final drag, Jesse finally doing Todd (I was praying for a ‘bitch!’) and Lydia getting it with the sweetener. That Walt died in a meth lab ‘the place where he lives’ was poetic justice. And didn’t you think Jesse was going to run him over right at the end? It had great echoes of when Walt ran over the drug dealers. And finally Walt was truthful with Jesse; he wanted Jesse to kill him. And Jesse wasn’t giving him what he wanted. Not this time. Was Jesse happy or just manic as he drove away, and where did he go? I don’t agree with the people saying he went for Brock – Brock has a granny, and Jesse has ruined Brock’s life enough. Jesse must be off somewhere new. The fact he didn’t get the money didn’t matter in the end; the money was too tainted to take to a new life.
Looking back at the unsurpassable Tuco, Hector and his bell, Tuco’s brilliant cousins, the downfall of Ted – it all seems like light-hearted fun compared to the recent series.  And there have been some laughs this series – Saul has been consistent from day one – but the disintegration of the partnership that underpinned the whole show was so hard to watch. They went at it so hard in the final episodes; I swear, I nearly had a heart attack. I was in bits.
I was sure I’d written a blog about Breaking Bad before, and quite disappointed that I hadn’t, as I would have liked to have seen my perspective a season or two in.
And now what do we do with our lives? Breaking Bad is the best drama I’ve ever seen. It has everything; comedy, violence, cool, great characters and actors. I have talked about it more with people than I have any other drama on TV. I have talked about it constantly for weeks. I love it wholeheartedly. I’m sure I’ll watch the lot again, but not for a long time! My heart can’t take it. My boyfriend summed it up best afterwards, as we looked for something fluffy to watch, a cartoon, or a quiz show. He said, ‘Right this wrong.’ But some wrongs have gone too far to be righted. Hank in the desert. Jesse’s soul. In a way, it feels like Walt got off lightly.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Finale

What is this final countdown show? I like them having all the ex housemates there early! This format is weird, though. Why not just do this bit as part of the main show? Well, let's give it a chance.
Woah, see the way Lauren hit the deck there? She's really wobbly! I'm going to give Lauren and Abz one vote to win each, as I don't really mind who wins out of those two.
Dinner speeches! It can never top Spencer Pratt's crying and Heidi demanding wine. I think that was on the live feed too? That was AMAZING. This. is. not.
Ha, they've dug Ron up! LOL to Emma and Sophie sparring with each other. Back when they were 16! What a pair of cunts they must have been when they lived together. Odious pair.
Danielle is just pathetic. Look at those crappy little cubes they're making them sit on. Set budget: zero pence.
Lauren's hair is looking fabulous tonight! Maybe they got makeovers. God, not another dull slideshow. Turgid.
That's a bit sneaky the way the first vote closed before the 'real' show even began. What if you only tuned in at 9? I note the two groups are sitting on different couches. God, Look at Charlotte's eyeshadow. She looks like Joan Collins.
Here's the main live show. Now I've got a confession to make. I'm broke, but going out for my friends birthday tomorrow, so had to conserve my last £30. But I wanted to have a drink whilst I watched this bullshit, so I went out and bought a Iron Bru WKD for a quid from the shop. I'm going to open it now. It's not too bad actually. I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
So I'm guessing it will be Vicky out first? Why are they booing Lauren? She looks cute. Ooh, I hope it's Mario out first. Oh, it is Vicky. OMG are they evicting them two at a time? Fucked up. Mario looked disappointed to be going. Bet he's even more disappointed to be walking out arm in arm with Janice Battersby. It's like getting evicted with your mum. Not sorry in the SLIGHTEST for him! AND it's pissing it down! Haha, the perfect accessories, Janice and a brolly. Sucks to be you, Mario.
Plus, you don't get to hear your own crowd reaction! You're the victim of someone else's boos/ cheers! What a wash out; literally. Make the show longer, or do more mid week evictions, you wallies. This is unacceptable. Have they done this before?
Ha, the tweenies probably didn't get a chance to vote for Mario before the show started. Funnies. Well, I guess it's hard to be popular when you just see women as body parts. I'm glad Courtney got evicted midweek now as she got her own interview!
My boyfriend is really anti umbrellas, so he'd go mad if someone forced him to carry an umbrella just as he got evicted. And to have your picture taken with it! The shame.
Mario: 'There's so much time in there to fink.' That must be hard when you've got no brain.
The crowd are really rowdy tonight! What are they chanting about? They're too distracting.
This joint interview is shit. Everyone deserves their own interview, even people off TOWIE. If BB can't even be bothered to do that, we might as well give up.
Mario doesn't like people speaking behind each other's backs?! Is he being ironic? He's 'not that sort of person'. I don't think Mario knows what sort of person he is. He doesn't KNOW HIMSELF. If only he could read, he could read my blog and find out.
Oh, at least Emma actually called him up on sitting in a gang with Carol, even if she stopped short of saying he was a bitch (which he was). Janice is talking ALL OVER Mario's interview. Ha.
I'm surprised they didn't give them joint best bits. Oh well, Mario, at least you got the wub wubs. That's all you can ask for. That and Wild by Jessie J, if you're Jack and Joe. I don't even think Mario's good looking. He's got a podgy face and a horrible personality. But... at least he's not Kirk Norcross.
Lauren looks SOOOOOO scared. Aw. Those people chanting 'get Lauren out' should be ashamed of herself. She's done nothing bad! She's shaking like a leaf and they're being nasty. I'm gonna ring up for Lauren again. Fuck those cunts. Hold on, it's probably Big Brother staff doing it to make me vote for Lauren.
Ha, Carol is coming out on her own, so gets the full range of booage. She's officially more loathed than Denise Welch and Colleen Nolan. I didn't think that was possible. She looked a bit shocked to go, I thought.
Was there a 'lot of love out there' for Carol? All I heard was boos.
Carol: 'The feeling in the house was that Abz would go before Mario'. The difference is, Abz is a nice person, Carol. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She's rotten.
This is bollocks, Carol 'enjoyed herself' I heard Carol moaning she wanted to leave, I'm sure of it! She moaned NON STOP.
As much as I don't like Charlotte, at least the final three people all have good hearts. Charlotte is playing up to her role, but I don't think she'd do you any wrong. All the nasties: Janice, Carol and Mario went out first, and that's a result.
Carol says about herself that she's 'much nicer than she thought she was.' She must have thought she was a total prick.
Ah, what, Carol's getting wub wubs? Boo!
I see Queen Charlotte can't even be bothered to sit with the other two. Oh, no, Lauren third! How could she compete with their fanbases? She couldn't. She looks pissed off. Hope she doesn't fall down the stairs. Oh the umbrella dude is walking her down. Cute. Lauren is doing a 'I'm working it' face. Aw, bless her.
Lauren was classy in her interview. It felt like she meant it when she said she was happy to be third. Lauren hopes Charlotte or Abz wins it. Who else is there?!
The Lauren and Courtney clips were so sweet. I hope they manage to stay friends. I'd love to see Lauren and Doug hanging out.
Lauren: 'Carol looks like my aunt Jennifer who we don't speak to.' Classic.
Aw, what a shame. But us Big Brother fans are used to this sense of disappointment. And now...
Oh, what, I thought we were going to get the whole thing, but they're breaking it up. I was considering blogging this Celebrity Super Spa but I resent them putting it on in the middle of the Big Brother final, so I'm not going to. I watched a bit of it and it was total shit so I watched Miley Cyrus chatting about smoking spliffs on Alan Carr instead. She seemed much more charming than when she was being 'wholesome'.
I also want to say something about Abz and people comparing him to Sam. Let's clear this up. Sam did nothing except be sexist, tell a couple of childishly amusing jokes and call Dexter a bellend. That was IT, in three months. Abz is quiet, but even in his moments of solitude, he has been consistently entertaining. He's intriguing. He's an enigma. Sam wasn't an enigma. He was ignominious.
And we're back. It's so obvious she's going to win it, because got a zillion Twitter followers. It's not fair, because that shouldn't be why someone wins. What has she done in the house? Pissed herself, flashed her boobs and told someone to suck off a pig. Jade Goody is looking like Princess Di right now.
And we're back. Emma seems incapable of saying the word 'sixth'.
Here we go. At least they're holding hands. Fuck, she won it. Abz is our Dexter. Charlotte is doing a 'Natalie Cassidy giving birth' face. Abz is so magnanimous in defeat. What a trouper.
Abz don't want that brolly. He's in Five! Should have pissed the bed, Abz. You missed a trick there.
Aw, 'my little heart can't take it.' So sweet.
I'm glad Abz said that Lauren should have won it. Charlotte doesn't deserve it. Charlotte deserves shooting.
Abz: 'I've done nothing for the last ten years.' Ha. No. You made a swan apple. His girlfriend is beautiful! He's too cute. He misses his pooches. Abz: 'This chair is incredible.'
Louie shaking under an umbrella looking murderous, and then sticks out his tongue when he sees a camera. Says it all. Ahhhh, Abz is sort of getting wub wubs. Abz deserves wall to wall wub wubs. There's not a person on the planet who could dislike Abz. Even though he talks like THAT.
So. This result makes me want to put a fist through a cake. But if you were in line with popular opinion, wouldn't you hate yourself? Those with taste are doomed to always support the runner up. Otherwise you'd be a One Direction fan.
OMG! What's with the dry ice? Or is something on fire?! LOL. I hope it's Carol McGiffin. Emma couldn't even see Charlotte! Hilarious. Maybe someone let off a grenade. I'm loving seeing all the losers standing in the rain (the celebs, not the crowd).
Charlotte seems to be having a breakdown. The public haven't 'warmed to her', just her idiot fans are in such high numbers she was guaranteed to win it before she even walked in the door.
At least she admits she's not 'ladylike' (the term 'ladylike' is sexist) but I feel like that's part of the act, too. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet little dimwit, like someone you went to primary school with who hadn't learnt to control their bladder yet, who you were embarrassed of. But that's not something that makes a winner. That's someone to pity.
So, quite a fitting end to the worst series of Celebrity Big Brother ever. A dreadful winner for a dreadful series. Truly diabolical.
Did Emma just say into the camera: 'Thanks for coming out tonight in this awful weather.' No worries, you fucking idiot.
Thanks for bearing with the show, and bearing with me. We might do a wrap up podcast? I'll have to see what mood my boyfriend is in when he sees the result! My guess: displeased.
Thanks for reading. I guess the summer ends here. I need to find something else to blog, probably X Factor live shows. But it's soulless compared to BB! Night night, swan apples.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Battle of the blands

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Celebrity Big Brother 2013: If I go and she doesn't, I'm going to kill myself

I just voted to Save Courtney three times. Worth a pound to see the rest of their faces.
Ab giving Louie his belt! Good game move. Collateral, they call it in BBUS.
Carol is doing some blackening of Vicky's name for the hell of it. 'If I go and she doesn't I'm going to kill myself.' Can we get that in writing? Way to get Vicky a zillion votes. I don't even know what they were arguing about. I've forgotten! What's the problem with these two? It's obviously something REALLY important.
Listen to the way Carol SPEAKS to people! OMG. She's got the manners of a fucking pig, it's no wonder she likes Charlotte so much. I would LOVE Carol to go tonight.
Carol announcing 'there's gonna be a row tonight.' Yeah, cos you're starting it! Even if they are editing her badly, she's still being a super sized cunt.
Haha, Janice admitting she's trying to goad Carol. Good! I want to see them go toe to toe. I'm glad Janice isn't scared of her. Why does Carol think she's entitled to stay over anyone else?
Let's face it, BOTH women are acting like a pair of fucking kids. I don't know anyone who acts like this! Seriously, how do they think it's acceptable? Neither of them DARE properly take each other on. They're just bitching behind backs. Sad. And also, not very entertaining at all.
LOL Carol is sleep talking! Slagging someone off in your sleep is BAD strategy. Weak gameplay! Haha, hilarious.
I still don't get why Louie is getting cheered. Everyone else seemed to get booed.
The crowd are chanting 'get Vicky out'! Why! Oh, no, it's Courtney! Bad buzz! Out of all those odious people! What a joke, seriously. I'd be in shock if I was her. Barbie wants her dress back. CAREFUL DOWN THE STAIRS, COURTNEY. STFU Louie. He was in a hurry to get her out. I don't think Mario hugged her but I could be wrong.
I like Courtney! She was like a ray of sunshine in that place. Fuck, only just noticed what Emma is wearing! Is it Goth night?! Seriously, who is styling her this year? And why do they hate her so much? Probably because she's so annoyingly biased.
Aw, I hope Abz looks after Lauren now.
Courtney's shoes look like trotters. I guess she is happy to be out. Who can blame her?
Doug looks like the clown from IT with those balloons. Creepy!
Courtney is a charming interviewee. So cute of her to say she misses Lauren already and she didn't feel smothered by her at all.
Courtney's face when Mario was mentioned! Ha, finger-gate. She was bored, lol. Good excuse. 'I don't remember it'. Also another good excuse.
Why does Emma keep going on about Courtney moaning about wanting to leave? EVERYONE moaned about wanting to leave! Emma couldn't even be bothered to say she was a great housemate. Just 'thanks for your body.' That's not all you are, Courtney. You're not just hair and tits, despite what Mario (and Emma) thinks.
LOVING Louie being out! A great shock. I wish it had been Carol or Mario but it's still a slap in the face for Carol, and definitely a slap in the face for Louie's ego, which let's face it, needs keeping in check.
Hold on, Louie isn't being careful on the stairs! Heed your own advice! Look at the way he turns it on! It's ALL AN ACT! How can you ever take 'camp, spinning Louie' seriously again? We KNOW what he's like now! AND he was getting the biggest cheer in the house. Ha.
Even in Louie's interview Emma is moaning about Courtney wanting to go! What about Louie being a prize prick?! At least Louie admitted he found it hard in there. That was one piece of honesty at least.
That was quite good the way they did two evictions in an hour. Felt kind! It's going to be an even longer slog in the last two days without Courtney. Abz or Lauren FTW. Will be so disappointed if that spoilt gimp Charlotte takes it.
As Morrissey once sang, 'To be finished, would be a relief.'

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Surrounded by ungrateful wankers

Do you think Lauren saw her mum? Well, let's just say they weren't exactly transparent about Rylan's Wembley rehearsals, were they, so nothing would surprise me. Lauren didn't seem to be saying she HADN'T seen her mum last night. This morning however, she's singing a different tune.
Seems like Charlotte is jealous of everyone in that house. No journey? Get to fuck! I'm glad Lauren was quite stern with her.
Why is Big Brother telling Lauren her mum turned up on eviction night, anyway? They shouldn't be telling them ANYTHING! Oh, why do I bother?
Carol and Mario slagging off Vicky. Ugh. I thought she was out of order too, but I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than side with this shower of cunts.
Carol calling Vicky, 'Just nasty'. Yeah, cos that crown belongs to you, Squidward. And you're not sharing it with anyone!
Abz cushion towers and Lauren's pig collecting tales are infinitely more interesting than anything anyone else will ever say in that house, which says it all.
Rylan's in da house! Dear Lord, Danielle and Sophie back in the house, too. Just what we didn't want. What a pair of arseholes.
Flirting is NOT cheating! Courtney's leg is going. I'm glad Louis defended her. Courtney looks mad!
Charlotte has got the right arsehole today. I think it's the 'do you need a talent to be a celebrity' question getting on her nerves. Aw, she's blubbing. I'm glad the house is making her doubt her pathetic facade.
Mario: 'Making people warm to you is the hardest talent you'll ever have.' Yeah. Especially when you're a reptile.
Why is Sophie kissing Carol's arse?
I'm glad Lauren defended Carol over the boyish figure thing. There was no need for Danielle to bring that up again. I'm so glad she left when she did, what a horrid person. How long has Danielle been working on the pirouetting piranha line? Absolutely tragic. What a pathetic display all round from Sophie, Carol, Danielle AND Louie. I've never seen Rylan so subdued. Even his teeth seemed dimmer.
Lauren and Courtney are on their own planet. I love their little world. I hate the way Carol talks to Courtney like she's a child. Even if she did put a stock cube in the kettle.
Oh, Louie wants to win now! Have they told them all to stop carping about wanting to go home? About time. Oh, they ALL want to win now!
It's funny Carol mentions 'atmosphere hoovers' because that's exactly what she is. I never get it when I see her and Louie slagging each other off because I always think they're best of friends. I can't work it out.
I hope all this bullshit doesn't save Janice tomorrow cos I want her to go. But in fact I don't mind who goes except Courtney. And it's a double so we can get two idiots out.
Wow, Carol and Charlotte are SO bitter about Lauren storming to the final. I feel like the editing is a bit skewy because I can't really work out who hates who. But I know one thing. I hate everyone.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Vicky's a stupid gremlin

Squidward: displeased with Spongebob's incessant giggling

Sorry I didn't blog at the weekend, it was a shame really as Vanessa Feltz's takedown of Team Cuntrag was quite delightful. We did do a rather high pitched podcast about the week's events, though, if you're interested. Anyway, on with tonight's show. Looks like it's going to be another shit stirring galore episode.
Mario's face is looking more bloated and puffy by the day. I know NOTHING about this guy from TOWIE, and his 'reputation' and I still know this guy is an enormous prick from a mile away.
Abz is getting involved larking about with Louie. Upping his game! Watch out BB finale.
LOL to Big Brother taping together all he people who hate each other. I couldn't do that all day.
Abz can even Kung Fu kick spatulas into the sink today. Is there nothing this man can't do? Surely they can't really be going loo together? That's an infringement of your privacy. Your arms would hurt like hell, too.
Mario and Courtney stroking each other's hands was VERY dodgy, much more suspect than the dancing, in my opinion. It had shades of Chantelle and Preston about it. It made me feel bad. Fuck him, because he's not interested in her, it's just in his nature to try and fuck anything that moves. I don't know what she's playing at. I think she's just young and gone a bit nuts but she needs to fix up and work out what she really wants because it's fucked up to do that on TV.
Ooh, so they're nominating in pairs. Interesting as they'd normally nominate each other. Louie and Vicky are up first. They nominated Courtney for being 'not that bothered about seeing her husband'. Well... Ha, they're nominating Carol, too. Hilarious.
I can't believe Carol nominated Louie, too. I thought they were BFFs! A severed alliance. Carol agreed to Lauren nominating Mario! She nominated her entire alliance! LOL.
OMG Courtney and Mario lying on the bed and she's got her fingers in her mouth. Lawks. I would be freaking out if I was her husband.
Abz is nominating Courtney! Boo, what about their moth moments? These noms are mental. Wow, can't believe Charlotte agreed to nominating Carol! These alliances are paper thin. The clique has clicked off.
I can't believe Mario wants to nominate Carol for 'bitching whilst she's drunk'. He's sat there bitching with her! He's the biggest hypocrite in that house. He blames others for things HE DOES HIMSELF constantly. What a ginormous tool.
Carol, Courtney, Mario, Vicky and Louie are up! Cool, Lauren and Abz are safe. I'll vote to save Courtney.
They made the right choices about which letters to shred, except Lauren's. Shred, shred, shred. Carol's alliance is in bits! Louie, Carol, Mario and Charlotte seem to hate each other today. I couldn't be happier.
Janice got a shout out from the local dignitaries, the Mayor, and even Edith, lol. Edith FTW. Blub blub blub. Next.
The housemates think Lauren saw her family in the house! Or did she see Dr Ottoman? Probably her mother.
I don't like the way Janice is speaking to people; she's being a patronising old bag. She is kind of right what she's saying to Louie, though, he doesn't seem bothered about anything. I'm glad Louie is actually saying he wanted to hear from his husband. DID Lauren see her family? She didn't react at all when Charlotte said Lauren had seen her mum.
I HATE IT when people say 'let me finish'. That was one of my old boss's favourite psychotic expression. 'LET ME FINISH'. 'I'M NOT BEING FUNNY'. FUCK OFF.
Janice is being a cow to Charlotte. I like the way Charlotte is unfiltered sometimes! 'Stupid fucking cow' - ha. At least she doesn't stand on ceremony.
Janice: 'I'm 45 years old.' This is a more pathetic statement than telling someone to suck a pig off. I'd rather be in there with Charlotte than Janice, because at least Charlotte doesn't kowtow like Janice does. No one deserves respect for being a certain age. Should I respect Robert Mugabe because of his advanced years? Piss off.
Charlotte is not TRYING to be an example for girls who want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She's not trying to be a role model. She's an average girl who got a lucky break and is making the most of it. There's no need to call her a 'fat slag'. I don't like her myself, but who does Janice think she fucking is? She was fat herself for years, so it's totally hypocritical of her to call anyone else fat. What 'university course' has Vicky been on? Is that what we measure people in, fucking GCSEs and degrees? How about if a person is considerate, kind, lovable, likable, loyal, brave? Can we measure people like this instead?
And the million dollar question: what IS the expression Charlotte's boyfriend makes when he ejaculates inside her?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The relationships will stand the test of time

Just watched Breaking Bad! Now gotta watch this crap. Groo. It's a double eviction and I'm not even bothering to watch it live, which says it all. I have a feeling the Americans are gonna get nuked tonight, which is a shame as they're two of the only ones I like.
'At the top of these Very stairs!' That was a good plug, Emma.
I can't believe we're having a discussion about whether or not farting is disgusting. Of course farting is disgusting. It's only acceptable in front of your partner.
I actually saw Bruce being quite pleasant on live feed last night. But let's not get over-excited. I wouldn't mind Janice going tonight. Janice or Louie or Bruce.
How cowardly of Carol to quite Loose Women in her column and not even tell her colleagues. It's embarrassing when people sidle off like that at my work, let alone on TV.
How come Louie is getting the secret task? They're obviously trying to save him. Annoying.
Courtney coming onto Bruce for a fag, lol.
Louie doesn't have to act very hard to have a meltdown. It's just him being his normal self. Sushi rage! I'd be mad if he threw crisps around. Step back from the crisps!
Abz's girlfriend is cute. I don't know who these other people are. TV gold declared. Whenever TV gold is declared, you can guarantee it's TV lead. Dustin's wife: 'call from a mobile phone!' What about a cell phone?
LOL to Janice tidying up. What a sucker. Abz is tidying up, too. Tee hee.
The others are horrified that Louie acted so well. But he looked like he was really crying to me.
Courtney grinding on Mario, oh Lord. Her hair extensions are worse than Gina's. OMG you hypocrite, Mario! 'If that was my wife in here I'd be going mad.' Don't dance with her like that, then, you creep! That's the biggest double standard I've ever seen.
Courtney: 'Weetos!' It's like her and Lauren are in the nursing home.
Mario, you're the person who's cheated on a billion girlfriends, aren't you? She's DANCING, not cheating! That type of dancing is gross, but that's how some girls and boys dance these days (so I've heard).
Why is Louie getting such a big cheer?! This is BS.
I'm not shocked Dustin went on a vote to save. He doesn't deserve to go, but he's the least well known, and he's not doing very much. It's a shame really, as I don't mind watching him. Vote to save is good to get rid of floaters, but the least famous/ well known are also vulnerable.
It's weird when people get cheered when they come out, but are booted early. Dustin must be pleased to go.
Dustin is trying to say what's aired and isn't! How would he know if he hasn't seen the show? I saw him on live feed saying he'd seen the show.
I didn't mind hearing what he said in the interview. He seems like an intelligent person. It's going on a bit, though. How come he gets such a long interview?
2nd eviction. Get Courtney out?! What is this, the anti-American edition? I'm glad Courtney was saved.
OMG Bruce is out! I thought it would be Janice to leave over him. Not sorry to see the back of Bruce, tbh.
LOL they're playing Oasis. Isn't that insensitive to Nicole Appleton? *topical*
I think Bruce could have had a 'journey' but he'd have had to pay Dexter first. I think he was lucky to have Janice in there looking after him. She's probably pleased to have the freedom of him going.
Bruce: 'We didn't have any conflict.' I think they did.
I think Bruce did turn a corner after being angry, but it's not exactly redemption.
Well, that was a great episode if you like hearing boring people moaning about food. Enjoy your evening!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm over it

Why weren't face to face nominations live? Something vaguely interesting happens and they can't be bothered to show it. Figures.
Abz is only a year older than me, I learnt from Heat magazine in the bath earlier *glimpse into my world*. He comes across like he's been through a world war, not a boyband going bust.
Charlotte, please spare me the image of Carol 'sucking her boyfriend's willy'. Some things should not be pictured.
Dustin looks like a man on the edge. When Bruce is comforting you, you're screwed. Poor Screech, he looks tired out. I don't blame him for being over it. I'm over it, too. Dustin's now the same way Abz was when he entered the house. Like a haunted mansion.
Charlotte's psychic act is mildly amusing, but I'm not interested. It's so scripted, especially given the fact they keep mentioning Carol. Do they think we were born yesterday?
Why are they starving the housemates, anyway? I don't really get it. Has the food budget been cut? Waitrose too dear? Shouldn't have fucked things up with Lidl by having Jedward wreck the joint, ha.
This challenge is sponsored by Maximuscle! How can they do a task when they're all starved? Boo woo. I don't care about tasks. But I do advocate more celebrities being put in paperbags. Eyeholes in a paper bag, greatest lay I've ever had, as Brian Molko once said.
Dustin is doing a John McCruick, but instead of silence, he's on hunger strike, and there's no Diet Coke at the end of his rainbow.
I don't really see how Carol putting up Courtney is a 'special power'. Courtney would be up anyway, plus she only got one nomination.
Lauren's boobs are hanging out now! Has she been taking lessons from Courtney?! Bruce wants to stay? WTF. I'd hate to see him if he wants to leave.
I kind of like the way Sophie was with Lauren in the end, there was sort of a bit of humanity between them.
I actually saw Sophie being nice to Dustin, too. She actually listened to him, unlike most people in there, so STFU Carol.
Where's the dick on Carol's face gone? I'm surprised they could afford to pay for a new picture. How come Dustin goes 'I'm so glad you're here, I missed you' to Carol? Gameplanning! This is a blog full of questions.
Carol doesn't look 'lovely', she's just combed her hair. Actually, I don't mind what she's wearing.
I hate Carol's stupid scripted nomination to Courtney. What a load of tosh.
Face to face noms. If I only I cared if one person in that house lived or died. What has Dustin been analysing? All I heard was him moaning about food.
Is Carol immune? Why is no one nominating her?
Why is Bruce nominating Dustin if 'he's a great friend'? Dustin is an easy out face to face.
What sort of reason is it to nominate Lauren that she keeps falling over?
Dustin, Louie isn't 'kind of an arsehole.' He's a MASSIVE arsehole.
Up are Courtney, Abz, Bruce, Dustin, Lauren, Louie and Vicky. I think Dustin could be vulnerable. I don't exactly think there's a hardcore of Screech fans who are going to save him. Do you?
Ah, I get it. Dustin was acting up to get nominated. Fair enough. Every other idiot has done it.
Lauren: 'I can wear flat shoes and I don't have to leave tissues everywhere.' Why don't you try it, then?
Abz is right; Courtney does get a lot of stick. She's not that bad. I hope both of them stay. There's still some Five fans left, right?
Carol shit-stirring about Courtney's husband. Blah. No one wants to see you 'all over' your bloke. Gross.
Oh, so now Dustin's saying he DID lose his cool today. Make your mind up. I thought Bruce was quite good with him, really. I change my mind on everyone in this house every five minutes.
That felt real when Abz and Vicky said they wanted Lauren to win.
It seems like Courtney is being stifled by her husband and she's had a taste of freedom now. That man shouldn't have married her at 16, it's ridiculous. She needs to develop as a human. Still, bit late now.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair

Well, we're both still here (yes, all two of us) so we've obviously got nothing better to do. Shame on us! I'm feeling better though, and you keep ticking my boxes (not a euphemism!) no matter how low I sink, so for that, I'm happy. An eviction, then. With an hour's break in between. Will anyone stick around for the denouement? And can Carol patronisingly explain to us what denouement means?
My boyfriend gave up on yesterday's episode halfway through, and I switched off the live feed immediately as soon as I saw someone (Sophie) moaning to go home. I'm not watching it. If live feed dies, you can rest the blame squarely on Louie Spence's thick head. Done.
I've decided not to vote, even though I want Sophie to stay and Bruce out. If this is the best celebs they can afford, I'm not giving them more money to spend on... what? Fuck 'em! Let the chips fall where they may. I want no part of it.
I don't think even Emma can muster up any enthusiasm for this series anymore. I'd rather go shag one of Busted than deal with this shower of cunts, too.
I cannot BEAR these people in the safe house, or whatever the hell they're calling it today. Courtney is being pathetic, too. She looks alright in the boiler suit.
TOWIE prick: 'All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair.' Well that's two more things than you are, Mario. You're just Carol's little bitch. I actually didn't mind him until two days ago, but his real personality is leaking out all over the place, like an STD.
Ha, pleased to see they're humilating Abz with his Five back catalogue. Is this really want Mr Big wants? He was better off in Sex and the City, sleeping with that horse (I haven't seen that show, so I can't confirm that's what actually happens).
Geordie Shore is right that Courtney is ungrateful about seeing her husband. I can only assume her husband is solely a business arrangement, which is why she doesn't give a shit. Otherwise, wouldn't she still be on a high from it?
Big Brother, recreate Sophie's goth moment, please.
How can you recreate a Corrie moment with Janice and Les and not bring back Janice's horse fleece? I quite liked seeing Janice back in action. She was good in Corrie. Les: not so much.
Bruce does not look happy that the housemates were eating sushi. He probably doesn't like sushi anyway. He probably doesn't know what sushi is. Ha, they're stitching them up as usual. Ooh, showing Mario and Lauren's horrid comments about Courtney was cruel.
Evict Carol! This is all BS anyway. I wish they WOULD evict Carol. I hate it when they pretend to do something cruel but don't. Actually do it!
Carol should be happy to leave, she's always moaning anyway. Poor Screech, Carol has been mean. Mario has been mean, too!
Carol IS vicious. They shouldn't let her wear sunglasses whilst they're nominating her to go. I want to see her face fall (further). She IS hurt, I don't care what she says. Charlotte, don't cry over Carol. She called you a Geordie slag just three nights ago.
So they've pretending to evict Carol and stuck her in a secret room. I'd be glad to have a night on my own if I was Carol.
Oh, Courtney's reasoning makes sense that she thought the others would evict her for boiler suit gate. If that's true.
Louie moaning about people being 'venomous'. Ha.
That was nice of Lauren to say Carol doesn't hate Sophie, because I believe she does.
Courtney, your nipples are hanging out. Lauren is talking crap here; she said loads of shit about Courtney in the secret room! 'Peer pressure' made Lauren say bad things about Courtney. OK then.
I hope when Carol goes back in, she apologises to Charlotte for calling her a slag, as it was disgusting what she said and it's clear Charlotte cares for her. Carol doesn't care about ANYTHING.
Why isn't anyone getting booed?! Have they turned the crowd down?
OMG Lauren got the most votes! What the fuck. I've had enough of her. Even my curiosity about her wardrobe is pretty much through. My boyfriend put a fiver on Lauren to win, you know. Could the prophecy come true?
Oh God, I gotta wait an hour now? Well, I'm going to eat a bin bag full of crisps (ie. a bag of Sensations lemon chicken). I'm not gonna post this in between. That would just be sick, plus no one would read the last bit.
And we're back. I ate my crisps and several chocolate orange eclairs, aka, filling destroyers. I notice the second part is just labelled 'eviction interview' in the planner; that's useful for people searching for Big Brother. Well done.
Let's get on with this so I can go to bed. And if they think I'm staying up for BOTS, they've got another think coming. I've lost the will to live. 11pm is too late on a school night, and I generally stay up late.
Why is Sophie looking so prim? Looks like she's going to a society wedding.
Ahhh Sophie was evicted. She's one of the old people I actually like in that house. And I can't stand her most of the time, ha.
I see from Twitter that AJ spoilt the result. This is why I don't look on Twitter when a show is on I care about. I squint at my @ replies and that's about it. Social media = entertainment ruined.
Sophie doesn't care about being booed and she's happy to win. She was there for 'the experience'? Pull the other one.
Sophie doesn't agree she's bossy. She IS bossy and a know it all. Why is Emma being so hard on Sophie? So what, she's a know it all. I hope Emma is going to be equally hard on Carol, Louie and Bruce, etc. Yeah, as if. Emma can be a right pissy little bitch sometimes, yet she's universally seen as 'sweet'. Well, I think she's sour.
Oh, God, Carol going back in. I'd rather see Carol in the electric chair. Courtney doesn't look too happy. Oh, seriously, are they going to give Carol powers now? Great, that's all we need.
I'm glad Sophie doesn't have to put up with this. Why do I?! So what if Carol gets to nominate one housemate? Courtney would have been up anyway.
I would rather look in the mirror than look at Carol. I'd rather be Les and look in the mirror naked than look at Carol. I am definitely not touching the live feed with a barge pole with her smug face all over it.
You're right, the live feed is boring, Carol. But not as boring as you gloating, you hamster-faced, dried out shrew. As she's made personal attacks on every single person in that house, I'm sure she won't mind me insulting her appearance.
Well, what a load of balls. Can I go bed now?
PS: If you're a fan of our BBUS podcast, sorry there's not been one for a bit. We haven't even covered Aaryn drinking nail polish (a personal highlight - if only it had been a litre bottle). We'll be catching up at the weekend, anyway. Goodnight!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Are the prisoners them or us?

I'm having a bit of a funny week at the moment so do bear with me. Mind you, if you're still bearing with this show, you'll bear with anything, so I've got the right audience here.
LOL to Lauren accusing Abz of nominating her when he didn't! Passive aggressive, much? Has she got him confused with Mario? Abz laughing as she walked away. Why DIDN'T he nominate her, more to the point?! Ha, she also accused Louie. God, I'm glad I'm not inside her head.
How come Lauren gets to go into a secret task room again? She was already in the cult! Well, we thought Chris Fountain was going in, and it looks like The Phantom is in there as 'Mr Big' (isn't that some dude from Sex and the City)?
The housemates giving up their food... yawn. Who cares if Screech hid peanut butter? I'd gladly give up Alpen. Ugh, Alpen. Why is Mario moaning about him? Competition? Why are Carol and Mario getting so upset about the peanut butter with the way they go on all the time? It's peanut butter, it's not champagne.
Lauren's mum is more diplomatic than Carol? That wouldn't be hard. Mr Big is my new favourite housemate. I hope he slaughters the lot of them, starting with Bruce, then Carol, then Louis.
Chicken feet for dinner. Sophie's been in the jungle, she must have eaten a testicle or two there! I can't watch people eating normal food, let alone this crap. This episode has BLOWN so far.
Ha, Courtney has to give up her bunny and her clothes to see her husband. Sounds fair enough. I think they've done this to make Courtney shut up about wanting to go home. Bet she still doesn't shut up. Courtney doesn't look that bad in her boiler suit. They make them wear a humilitard on BBUS. She is shallow. Aw, that was kind of sweet when she saw her husband, even though I thought she was a bit frosty towards him. He seemed pleased to see her at least.
I don't remember Saved by the Bell. Am I missing much?
I think I want Abz to win now?! WTF. I did like Mario but he's been quite snippy tonight. Courtney is too shrill. Lauren is too Misery. I don't like floaters but I hate everyone so much, it's really hard to champion the 'characters'. This is the closest I've ever come to just giving up watching.
Janice is right - watching live feed is a torture. Is Carol really spinning the 'there's starving people in the world' line? Dear me. This is one of the worst episodes of CBB I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I'd like to headbutt that 'broken glass' right now.
Courtney to Abz: 'What part of me made you feel like I was superficial?' Where shall we start? She's being really annoying tonight, which is a shame, as I rather liked her before. But she does think the sum of her parts is a pair of boobs. It's sad.
Why on earth isn't Lauren flushing the toilet after her? Gross. This is the most depressing series of CBB ever. It's like watching Banged up Abroad. Except I enjoy Banged Up Abroad.
I'm this close to throwing in the towel.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Les Miserables

Sorry I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I've not been well and I'm still feeling rough so it's probably going to be a bitchy one. But thought I'd better pull my finger out as this will all be over soon (oh well). I've watched a bit of live feed on Daily Motion and all I see is every single celebrity moaning that they want to go home. First thing I'd do if I was the producer would be to ban people from saying that. It's so boring to listen to. A formal warning for every time you ask to leave, three strikes and you're out with no fee paid. Sophie's moaning on the LF recently was particularly annoying. You're earning thousands to be in there. At least Mario, Charlotte and Lauren want to be there.
I liked the party they had last night, there were some quite good props and Courtney cage dancing and drinking out of her shoe were memorable Big Brother moments. Although she's another culprit for moaning about going home, at least she does have some fun. I think she must win an award for the most scantily clad housemate ever.
Good on Charlotte for confronting the grumpy monster that is Les. 'Foul mouthed little cow' - well, she might be, but at least she's not moaning about wanting to leave all the time. Shut up, Janice, defending his behaviour. Who cares how old he his, he's a horrible, angry man and doesn't deserve respect. They're ALL adults, they all deserve equal respect. Well, mostly.
Mario is one of the only people making me laugh in there at the moment; going 'your boyfriend wants to go clubbing without you' to Carol was a great line.
LOL to Charlotte screaming in the DR and everyone can hear it. Janice basically has to tell Les to check himself. God knows what he'd be like if she wasn't in there - no doubt the red mist would be descending.
Nominations! They're frequent aren't they. Charlotte put up Bruce and Abz cos neither of them can stand her, ha.
Carol nommed Sophie and Bruce. I don't believe Carol is scared of Bruce. I don't think she's scared of anyone.
Why is Abz nominating Courtney for always having her arse out? You would have thought that was a bonus. Courtney's arse is less offensive than Carol's face. He also nominated Sophie for being me, me, me. Can't really argue with that.
Bruce nominated Lauren for being messy! I thought she's been cleaning up?! She's not gonna be happy.
Sophie nommed Courtney and Bruce for 'shouting at a woman.' Is shouting at a man OK?
Lauren nominated Louie and Mario! She fancies him and he won't talk to her. Aw.
Janice: 'There's no one I dislike in here.' REALLY? I have never hated a bunch of housemates for. When two you can just about bear are from TOWIE and Geordie Shore, you're in big trouble. I don't mind Screech but he was mithering bad on the LF about wanting to go home. You're getting paid! It's three weeks. Deal with it.
Dustin nominated Louie and Lauren. I'm surprised he didn't do Courtney and Carol for being so drunk and noisy.
Courtney nominated Carol for farting and not using air freshner! And Charlotte for farting, too! It's 'not classy.' Nor's walking round in a thong. Still, I'd rather deal with her arse cheeks than Carol's.
Courtney got married in that bikini?! LOL.
Bruce is bitterly letting Courtney sit next to him 'until Vicky comes back.'
Mario nommed Bruce - no surprise there, you can tell he's come from an abusive family, he's got that look in his eye and Lauren for spilling her drink!
Janice nommed Courtney for having her arse hanging out and Charlotte for standing up to Bruce.
Louie nominated Bruce for being angry and Sophie for having botox and lying about it, ha.
So, Bruce, Sophie, Courtney, Lauren and Louie are up. I really hope Bruce goes, but I bet it will be Sophie.
They showed the nominations, haha. I hate them all going 'yes' when they're up. It's so fake! Bruce's rigid grin when they showed the noms says it all. I don't think him or Lauren are going to take this lying down.
How can Sophie not KNOW she's bossy?! She's SO bossy.
God, they give them SO much booze in that house. They're proper lushes.
Lauren is 'doing a Mikey' in the bedroom, crying over her family photos. Stop actressing, Lauren! You''re not Miss Haversham, despite the wardrobe.
Sophie doesn't mind people who are hypocrites, even though she is one. Why are the housemates weighing themselves and measuring themselves? It's not the Biggest Loser.
Why isn't Carol up for eviction?! She's so vile! I just don't get it. I really hope her boyfriend leaves her. She's absolutely disgusting in every way.
Louie and Sophie are both as odious as each other. There's no one to champion in that house.
I saw this conversation with Vicky and Sophie on the LF and I thought Vicky was quite patient with her. She IS so me, me, me. But I still like Sophie more than Carol, Bruce and Louie.
Mario is quite patient with Sophie, really. She does whine a lot. But I do sympathise about people squealing in the bedroom. It would drive you mad. I'd scream. I can't even watch the live feed because it's just screeching and wailing. The normal housemates this year were so much more civillised, this lot are animals.
The thing with vote to save is it's not as clear cut who will go. If it was vote to evict it would be pretty tight between Sophie and Bruce, but vote to save? It's anyone's! Personally, I want Bruce and his tomato face out. Right, I'm off to bed. Night night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: We don't, Ron, Ron, Ron

I hope Ron goes tonight! He's deadwood. I'm surprised Louie is getting cheered, he's horrid. I'm glad Courtney's getting cheered. Are they chanting Charlotte? Must be fans of scat.
I hate celebrities saying they don't want to be there. Are they that hard up for celebrities in there?
Sophie is such a bossy cow. I'd tell her to stick it. Why should they tidy up? They're only in there three weeks. I think Sophie is going to stab Lauren. The way she's talking to her is like a woman on the edge.
The task generator machine is funny. Louis is not amused by Les's life story. The fish slapping was quite funny. The other housemates looked disturbed.
Lauren didn't look too impressed with Courtney's singing. Thought she was her BFF? Why did Mario choose Courtney to dance with?!
Lauren blackmailing Courtney to take her to the party was hilarious. Ha, she choose Screech! Funnies.
Look at Courtney's husband! He looks like a hobo. I can see where Lauren got her hair from. Check out her mum! LOL to her saying she's saving for an operation. Sympathy vote! Ron's grandson has got some bad highlights going on. We're waiting to see 'Ron's true side' and him get thrown out of the house. These friends and family are decrepit.
Bruce has got a fish-slap induced headache. Health and safety! Codswallop. That was actually quite funny for this TOWIE gormster.
Courtney telling Lauren she 'did her a favour' by not inviting her to the party. Hehe. It would be a drain having Lauren wrapped round you all the time, she does a wicked line in emotional blackmail. I'd be keen to have some time away from her. Courtney is so polite.
Carol and Louie are soooo bitter. Louis did some quite good one liners, though. I wish they'd say what annoyed them about each other. But that's now how they operate, is it?
Dustin's pumpkin tattoo! Agog. That was hilarious when they were dancing to Taylor Swift and Lauren walked off. Too cruel. Courtney, your nipples are hanging out.
Louis could not be more at odds with his 'persona' if he tried. What a grumpy bastard.
OMG Courtney, put your boobies away! This is like the American Geordie Shore right here. What a mess. Still, I don't resent her for it.
Lauren is doing a Misery on Courtney. My boyfriend said it's like Anthony and Craig and the wetsuit all over again. What pills is Lauren giving Courtney? WTF is a stomach tablet?
Why did Courtney act like she had taken the pills when she didn't? This is weird and creepy. What could these tablets be? Charlotte is actually being quite caring tonight. She's quite patient with Lauren, really.
What is Sophie going on about 'it's illegal'? She should know about illegal drugs! Look at Carol winding the situation up. How is it illegal!?
Sophie DOES think she knows everything. Ha, 'Carol thinks you do.' Carol is lying and shit stirring! What a bitch. Carol did say it! Haha, 'I wasn't winding her up.' That's the biggest joke I've heard.
Lauren is being quite funny in her own nutty way. I like seeing her get mad.
The two safe are Charlotte and Lauren! I want it to be Courtney safe. Haha, Lauren is popular. Love it.
Why is Les shouting at Lauren?! Cos she's hiding in the toilet? I don't blame her. The fish thing wasn't a big deal but I didn't like him shouting like that.
Oh, STFU, Sophie. Just stop talking. Imagine what she was like on the charlie!
Why is Lauren shaky? I think Lauren is always shaky. She's not all there. Bruce shouldn't shout at her like that. Aw, she doesn't see the outside world. Lucky her.
Louie in comforting mode isn't exactly reassuring! Lauren isn't 'used to people'. Lucky her!
Wouldn't it be funny if Louie went? LOL, they're chanting get Sophie out and she's not even up! She's going to be pissed off.
Fuck you, Ron, being happy to go. Don't bother going in there if you hate it so much! Ha, him falling up the stairs was the best thing he did in the house. Ha, then he tried to go out via the Diary Room! What a doddery old sod. I knew all those doors were confusing. At least we've lost two of the most boring housemates first. Good old vote to save. Note to producers: please ask celebrities if they want to be there before they go in, otherwise what's the point spending the money on them? Like, how much did they pay this old sod? I'm glad that Courtney didn't go over this git.
The only thing funny in Ron's interview was calling Carol a 'loose cannon'.
Emma has not got a very good grasp on this interview. Ron has not got a good grasp on the words 'quick fire'. This is painful. As my boyfriend just said, 'he don't want to be there, we don't want him there.'
Ron, you're less popular than Lauren. Deal with it.