Big Brother 2011 - And if the devil is six, then Aaron is seven

I just noticed that I never had Alex as a tag on my blog! WTF. So sorry, Alex. Especially as you're probably going to win it. And you're ace.

We were laughing when we saw Faye talking to Jay as you never see them talking. Then my boyfriend said 'imagine what Faye's mum would think if she was going out with Jay!' Fresh pillowcases, anyone? Aaron looks like Aled Jones in comparison.

Louise: 'my family's waiting for me.' ARE they? They told you to behave yourself BEFORE he said he was going to 'fuck you so hard your kidneys' were going to come out of your arsehole'. Not that that is really your fault. Except it is, because you fancy the disgusting pig! Honestly, put a pig in a vest and I'd rather fuck it than him. At least it would have manners.

Faye can't cook an egg. Get Glynn in to show her how it's done. Ahh ooh, ahh ooh. *this reference is for old people*

Jay pissing in the pool! Is there no beginning to his decorum? Can you imagine if a woman went on the way he did, talking about rimming, peeing in the pool and shitting off a cliff (Louise's name is Cliffe, incidentally - insert Sun-style pun here). He's worse than the book Wetlands, which describes all bodily functions in such graphic detail I had to give up on it halfway through.

Louise looks good as a witch.

Aaron IS the brains of the operation. I couldn't have worked out how to do the nominations so quickly. It's a bit boring them trying to fix it, though. Tom looks good as a skeleton, too. He's got heroin chic. Jay can't feel the electric shocks because he's such a meathead. I can't tell if these nominations are real now, but I know they're gonna fuck it up.

Notice they've made Aaron the devil! Editing! I liked Jay nominating Faye for her nighttime moaning at Aaron virtually word for word.

Aaron has fucked the 'two votes each' system! Love it. Underhand. Is he pretending he did it accidentally? He IS a gameplanner! He IS the devil! I like it.

Louise looks mad as hell as the witch. She enjoyed nominating Aaron. I LOVED her nominating Faye, too! Revenge. Her reasons for nominating we're spot on!

Uh oh, Aaron is going to get it in the NECK! The rivalries are back on. Faye's going to shit! Ah, if Louise had voted for Tom everyone would have been up!

Aaron admits he know exactly what he was doing! That's unfair, that shouldn't have been his decision to make. Even Louise knew he did it on purpose.

Aaron is playing a VERY dangerous game. But he's ALWAYS played a dangerous game. I really want Faye to go this week! And for Aaron to have the blood on his hands.

Interesting to see Tom covering for Aaron. But so he should, Aaron saved his arse. But Aaron is right, Tom and Alex doesn't to be up. No one could bring themselves to nominate Alex and Tom.

Aaron is shifting the blame onto Louise quite effectively. I admire his chutzpah.

Louise HASN'T sacrificed herself, she was after Faye because she was pissed off with Aaron, plus she couldn't work out the maths.

This could be good for Louise going up against a grumpy Faye. I bet Jem and the harridan mum are throwing things against the TV right now! Eat that!

Aaron, you shouldn't have voted for who you wanted to after telling everyone else something else. That's not an even playing field. He doesn't decide who goes in the final. Why isn't Jay kicking off?

Go on Louise, play the sympathy card HARD. This will be the end of Faye and Aaron. 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go'! Ding ding! Let's evict that miserable cow Faye, and teach Aaron about who gets to be in that prestigious final.

Why is Tom saying 'I hate Aaron' now? I'm confused!

Yes Aaron, you DO need to explain yourself in that DR chair. It was YOU who suggested the split vote! Him talking principles is hilarious! He'll sell them for anything cashable...

OMG everyone hates Aaron now. It would have been the chivalrous thing to do for them all to split the vote. Aaron was underhand, not principled. He should have pretended he fluffed it, at least.

Aaron is worried Alex will go! He might get a big shock on final night when she beats him. Aaron does NOT love Faye if he says he'd give Alex that free pass over her. If he said that to me and I was his alleged girlfriend I'd go fucking MENTAL. I'd rip his fucking head off. For once in her life she's got every right to be pissed off. Although let's not forget, she's put him up before. He doesn't give a shit, he really doesn't.

Oh Aaron. Jeff Brazier is going to be so mad at you, whilst Jenny Frost leers and twitches by his side on OKTV like a melting ventriloquist's dummy.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You play the game kamikaze style. I love you one minute and hate you the next. But I like it! I like all my ambivalent feelings. That's entertainment. Aaron FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - R&B's atrocious

Sorry I missed you last night, I was off at a party (shocker). It was touching to see how upset everyone was about Harry going, especially Alex. I love the fact Tom and Alex snog but don't mention it to each other or anyone else, it's very cool.

Jay drinking beer and belching was so gross. I think Louise is going to be so mortified in 6 months when they've split up and she looks back and sees her simpering by his side as he acts like a complete fucking animal. It was nice to see Aaron and Jay having a hug last night, though.

I love the description of Alex and Tom's conversations: 'what's your favourite tooth? What's your favourite toe?' It's a wonderful thing to behold.

Aaron's tattoo of a skull with a top hat on is sooooo naff. It suggests a severe lack of judgement.

I certainly hope Jay doesn't kill himself on his self imposed sauna task! Sauna's are so gross, I can't stand going in them, it's not natural.

Love Aaron picking Jay up on calling women 'birds'.

The secret mission is quite funny. Tom was quite a good choice for that task. Oh well, at least he got out of doing the cleaning.

This chipmunk task is like the club singer round in Shooting Stars. Nice to see Faye laughing and enjoying herself. Makes a bloody change. Jay singing Love Machine was also amusing just because it's quite incongruous. Dancing in the Moonlight is so perfect for Aaron to sing, that's probably playing in his car full time as he drives round Surrey or wherever he's from.

Aaron is going for the full Morrissey's 'reggae is vile' quote with 'r&b's atrocious'. He's right though, isn't he? Britpop and boy bands would have been much more pleasant. I wouldn't even sit in the same room that (most) r&b was playing. But you know Big Brother will try and spin this to 'Aaron's a racist' even though he's right, the music is rubbish and sexist. I'd be really disappointed if I could have had a bit of Moz and instead they played Neyo, or some shit. I like Aaron's 'cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-face' policy, I'm big on that, too. And I don't like Indian food, either! Look, I'm not a racist *points at Aaron*.

I've never seen Jay wear his winter babygro before. It's nice to hear Jay and Louise talking mushy in a way, because it reminds me of that early bit of a relationship when you can't think of anything else except this all-consuming passion. Nice feelings! Just with less farting.

Aaron is definitely playing up to the cameras tonight! Little bastard dancing in the loo on his own. He is so acting up. He's treading a fine line, that one.

They've all got onesies on! When did this happen? Who's sponsoring them!?

Big Brother 2011 - You're the one for me, Harry

I'm watching this an hour late so maybe you already know who's gone but maybe not. It is quite an exciting eviction this week! I don't really want any of them to go in a way, which sounds wrong. I hope it's Faye, Faye or Jay.

Faye's got a nice bum, I'd rather look at that than her face. Aaron is being quite camp today. I like that jumper Faye's got on. How can they still be wearing clothes I haven't seen them wear yet?

Tom looks like he's got new clothes on, too. I think Tom got quite lucky this year in a way, that the big characters took the heat off him, because in another year I think he would have been more of a target, even though I really like him.

Faye's mum is a stony-faced old bitch. They're booing her! Lol. GET FAYE OUT. I like Aaron's brother's coat.

Who's that standing behind Harry's girlfriend? He looks like he's out on license. Jay's mum's hat looks like Harry might want to shoot it once he gets out.

Boxing ring! Ugh I had to stop watching Eastenders due to that fucking boxing ring, it's following me round.

Faye's wrestling name is so crap. Are they doing this task to get her votes? I wouldn't like people touching my feet. Harry is the least sexy wrestler ever. It's quite a good task, really. Faye's got a cob on about the wrestling. Makes a change. Defeated by the ankle-biter.

Faye-in-a-box is actually smiling since the sister of doom went!

Aaron's dancing is good! I like it. I can impersonate the signature dance move of most of my close friends. I like Tom and Alex hiding behind the barbecue, they are too cute.

I want Jay to go now, Faye and Aaron are being bearable tonight. Yes, bearable!

They don't bother putting punctuation on Jay's subtitles, because let's face it, he wouldn't.

Aaron: 'I love you.' Faye: *insert negative comment here*. She's right though, he doesn't love her. What about that Range Rover?! They've mounted the cash in a briefcase! Anton would like that.

At least Jay has the good grace to say thanks for those votes, unlike Aaron. Argh, I keep liking Jay again! Boo.

Oh no, I'm so gutted Harry went. I knew I should have chucked him another vote. How could Faye be more popular than him? I lay this squarely on the shoulders of Jem. Aw to Aaron and Faye crying. Oh Alex is howling!

Harry shouldn't have gone out like that. Common People! Harry should have been in the final. Fuck those tactical votes.

My boyfriend just said if Paddy can win it, Jay can win it, and he's right.

Couldn't Harry's parents have afforded a brace for him when he was younger? I can't honestly believe Harry is sitting there right now. It's so rubbish.

LOL to Aaron sobbing like a baby in the background. 'Jay is the horse with three legs' lol. Fuck off Brian, what are you, an honorary member of the Wolfpack? I don't think they let gay people in.

I liked Harry's rows. He was passionate about not very much. Harry will always be remembered for 'I'm sorry, Harry, did you say FIVE HUNDRED bananas?' Is Brian SERIOUSLY having a go at Harry about that? Pathetic. I'm losing faith in Dowling more and more every week, he's picking people up on pointless shit whilst glossing over genuine sexism and other bad crap.

Alex's sad face in the background was cute. Harry's leaving message was sweet. Harry looked emotional! I'm glad he said Alex was his favourite. I will miss Harry.

That house is a much poorer place without him. Six showmances and no posh boy. Boo. Mind you, this is a great British public (t.m. Jeremy Kyle) who voted for Kerry Katona over the immense Jedward. You anger me!

I think it must be between Aaron and Alex to win. And as lovely as Alex is, she's still sort of a floater. It feels like Aaron's worked for it a bit. Mind you, a LOT can happen in two weeks. A lot.

Bye, Harry. Go shoot something. And make it Faye's mum.

Big Brother 2011 - It's been absolutely fantastic

Sorry I'm late, we went to Tesco and it dragged on a lot, but not as long as the Faye and Aaron saga (correct word).

God, is Jem still there? Let's wrap this shit up and move on. She's a piece of work and she doesn't deserve the oxygen, much less the airtime.

What is that bit they're showing with Aaron and Faye arguing last night? We never saw that! What were they arguing about, was it the Range Rover? Another big gap they're not bothering to show us, instead showing us Jem threatening to leave 70 billion times. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I think Aaron is being a bit unfair to Aaron; a lot of young girls go 'I want x kids and this house' and all that bullshit. It doesn't mean anything, it's just idle chat.

My Sky TV just died then and we were just going to make up what happened in the rest of the episode but we resurrected it somehow. I sort of wish I hadn't as it's 24/7 Jem. Just proves what a selfish bitch she is to go even knowing that it put Faye at risk. I actually cared about that yesterday, but I don't today, because this story has been done to death. Once I've seen someone on BOTS I'm not really interested in what happened in the house because it's old news.

Glad Alex and Tom are still getting on. I wish they showed a lot more of the humour in the house.

Faye can't even bear his own company when he's having a poo!

Doesn't Faye get hat hair when she wears those stupid hats? I've got a hat a bit like that (despite calling it stupid) and it makes my fringe go mental.

Jem talking to camera. Jem talking at all. Just go away. God, this Big Brother is dire. Is she going to pack her own bag or just order someone else to do it for her like Mark did?

It's a bit late for the motivation speeches, Jem, after you've been in there and broken her. She's a manipulative motherfucker.

I'm so glad they didn't just put Harry and Aaron up, that would have sucked so bad. It does feel like the 'big guns' are up now, and I sincerely hope Faye goes. I'm really worried that Harry might be a bit vulnerable now.

If that's Jem's idea of an 'absolutely fantastic' time I'd hate to see her having an emotional breakdown. She doesn't deserve 'best bits'. She came, she made Faye cry, she left. She could have just stayed one more day, she would have been evicted anyway.

I couldn't drink that cinnamon shot! Yuck, look at all that powder! Ick.

I wonder what they're going to play at this rave, I hope it's Darude and Zombie Nation. It's like a 90s rave every night round my friend Adam's house, musically. So who do we reckon are the real pillheads? I reckon Jay, Aaron and Tom. Faye would be anti (obviously). I don't think Alex needs it.

You never see them in the pool, do you? Because it's October, I guess!

Who designs the McDonalds uniforms? Hamburglar or Jasper Conran? Could be either. What 'dirty' tunes did they play? Bass in the place? Josh Wink? Sonique? Born Slippy? Not fucking FAITHLESS, surely? Glow stick it up your arse!

Big Brother 2011 - U r a knob

Sorry I'm late, I was trying to kick start my piece-of-shit laptop into life, by wiggling the wire to make it try and switch on. I'm a hairline crack away from electronic meltdown plus my netbook is fucked, plus my computer monitor is broken. I also spent half an hour dangling a coat hanger down the back of my fireplace tonight trying to save a tenner that fluttered through a crack, so you could say I'm on my uppers. It's been a bit of a shit day.

Now, which great philosopher once said, 'It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn a thousand trees!' That's right, little Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, who Aaron is turning to in his hour of need. It's more like Will Young's 'Leave right now' in that hell-house at the moment. At what point would you say the Stereophonics went down the dumper? Mr Writer would be the obvious answer, but let's face it, there were big problems from album 2 onwards. Still, an undeniable debut.

I don't blame Alex for lying about snogging Tom. Who in their right mind would jump on that showmance train? I HATE the way Faye deals with Aaron! 'What, with Maisy?' What is her problem?!

I can see Jay in his Del Boy outfit full time in a few years time. Having said that, I thought he was being quite kind to Aaron earlier when he was having one of his turns. Ten minute segments indeed. I have to take this show in ten minute segments. But I'm only allowed the amount specified by Big Brother.

LOL to them favouring a ten-year-old's general knowledge over Faye. She's gonna be a right mardy cow. I was shit at that general knowledge quiz, too. I only got 4. That kid was kind of stupid. They should have got a brainbox in to humiliate her.

Harry, you'll never look foxy, fox outfit or not. Hope they tear him to bits at the end. Harry was gleeful as a fox. I wish they'd teach him a proper lesson about hunting; like lock him in a task room and get PETA or Morrissey to talk some sense into him, with diagrams, and Harry's girlfriend as a hostage. Now THAT'S a task.

I wonder if that bookies smells like a bookies. Bet it don't. That smell cannot be replicated.

Aaron is so camp singing High School Musical. Nice to see him smiling, though. I wish Big Brother would be nicer to them sometimes.

Eww, Harry's sweaty bum! Gross.

Jem wants to leave so Faye can have fun! Hilarious. She's right though, it is more fun without Jem. Yes, she should leave them to it. Jem: 'it's all about Faye.' Because you're obsessed with her! This leaving conversation is interminable, I've heard it like a million times! Just show her leaving and let's get on with our lives.

Jay doesn't need someone to feed his energy, he needs someone to feed his idiotic ego. I can't relate to people who are upset that they can't exercise or socialise. I could exist quite happily in one room for a month, doing nothing and seeing no one.

Why should Aaron try and change Faye's mum's perception of him? Faye's mum should go fuck herself. She should have drowned her miserable daughters at birth and saved us all a headache.

Faye wants three kids OR a Range Rover. Aaron is going to give her a telling off in the DR now. Aaron, watch your mouth, what will Faye's mum say? Why doesn't he have that conversation with Faye?

Faye and Aaron: over because of a fictional Range Rover. God help us!

Big Brother 2011 - She spreads her legs for anyone

Obviously I know about the nominations FIX. There's no doubt it's an entertaining twist, but I'm not very happy with the result. I DO think Aaron is being picked on by Big Brother. If it had been Aaron and Harry up I would have been super livid. As it is, it feels like a fix to keep Jay in.

I find Tom a lot more attractive than I used to. I think he's feeling the same way about Alex!

I agree with what Harry and Aaron said about Jem. Did he say she's so not 'real' or 'regal'? Hard to tell with Harry.

Aaron has a room dedicated to Lego. Eek. I like hearing the inane conversations they never show in the highlights. Not-radamaus! Nearly, Jay.

Aaron's worried little face during these nominations was a sight to behold. 'Imagine if your mum nominates me.' Jem: 'that would be so amazing.' Nice. Classy lady.

Alex's mum's nominations were spot on! The sisters arguing IS tedious! It's interesting to see if the friends and family nominate people THEY want to nominate, or who they think the person in the house would want them to nominate.

I think Faye's mum is thick as shit for nomination Harry and Aaron - Faye's ALLIES. Idiot. It's also very cruel to Faye. I think it's appalling. Fuck Jem going 'I'm proud of her.' It's emotional blackmail and it's horrid; my mum would never do that to me. Give Faye some autonomy, ffs. No wonder she's so miserable with all these women trying to run her life for her.

Harry's girlfriend gave very polite nominations! Aaron is doing a thousand-yard stare right now. Bad buzz.

Jay's mum is talking turkey about Aaron. What IS his gameplan!? Him and tray BOTH treat each other bad. I'm glad she nominated Faye, though.

Jem is a disgrace! I hated her reaction to her boyfriend's nominations. Aaron is SEETHING.

Louise's mum having a dig at Louise to 'be good'. We know what that means, don't we? Poor Aaron. I don't think he deserves this. He can be a prick, but he doesn't deserve this much demonisation.

I liked Tom saying his mum's nomination was a bad choice. Aaron DOES create a negative vibe, but so DOES FAYE! Why is Faye getting away with EVERYTHING?!

Aaron has to remember that the public have given him the most votes to save a million times over so he'd be NUTS to walk. If I was Faye now I'd go hug Aaron. If she loves him she should go reassure him. She doesn't give a fuck about him!

Fuck off talking about what you saw outside, Jem, you're not allowed to talk about it! Get her out. She's a fucking bitch.

It is SOOOOO unfair the way they are talking about Aaron; is everyone else whiter than white? I think the parents are COLLUDING to get Aaron out because he's so popular. It's a fucking fix.

Faye, why don't you follow your heart and stop listening to everyone else. You can't can you, because you DON'T HAVE THE SPINE.

I hate the thought that Faye will be in the final, because she's absolutely horrible. She's a horrible person. Aaron is misguided, but he's NOT HORRIBLE. He's not a bad person. This is a conspiracy. If I was Faye I'd be saying, 'I'm so sorry my mum and my sister are complete heartless arseholes.' She says NOTHING!

Big Brother IS portraying Aaron in a bad light. He's a moody bugger, but he's intelligent, and he's a nice guy.

I hope Faye's mum is happy that she's made Faye too scared to go home, now. Faye: you can always bunk up in Aaron's Lego room. FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Who wants to let their HEAD rule their HEART? Rubbish!

Meanwhile Aaron is saying he's falling in love with her. Why? Who knows. I don't think she's got one redeeming feature.

Harry's right: trust your OWN instinct, not these fucked-up family members with an agenda.

Jem has come to the Diary Room TO GLOAT. It's not your decision to decide who's right for someone else. It's YOU with the negative attitude. I don't think I've ever seen a smile on her face. I'm gonna spend a quid evicting that gristly old nagging shrew this week. A quid!

Faye you are so pathetic dumping Aaron because your mum told you to. You going to jump off a cliff cos your mum told you to? Faye, in the words of Sheryl Crow, If it makes you happy... it can't be that bad. Oh.

I don't BLAME Aaron for wanting to leave after what they've done to him. They've stitched him up good and proper. Faye, don't let him go. Not in his teacher's fleece.

Big Brother, I hope you are happy, you awful, awful people. You've destroyed this show in so many different ways and now you're probably driving Aaron to suicide. I hope he tops himself in the kitchen and sinks your horrible little freakshow FOREVER!

Big Brother 2011 - Snog and grind

I'm surprised Faye defended Jay and Louise's under-cover antics when she's so worried about what people think. Maybe she thinks it takes the heat off her and Aaron's so-called relationship.

Sauna sex chat! Gross.

Louise and Jay having a snog and a grind! Gross. I guess that 'chemistry' kicked in (ie. desperation). I'm so bored of these 'romances'. Nomances!

Aaron calling Jem awkward. He can talk! They're both total oddballs.

Harry: 'my friends are prim and proper'. Why is he being a dick to Alex? Alex dealt with him nicely. She's quite funny.

I'm not even going to mention them bringing in people from the outside world for tasks any more, that ship has well and truly sailed. Grrrrrrr.

Tom was the best in that task. How come Louise gets a grotty fat man? Jay: 'she's got some tits on her.' VILE.

That conversation between Faye and Louise was very loaded. Especially considering they don't like each other. What's the point in whispering 'starting to fall for him'? Faye is sooooo uptight!

Harry is being SOOOOO rude to Alex! It is kind of funny, though. Why does he think he's too good for her! Who cares what mummy honeybunch thinks? Filler!

Aaron is feeling 35% love for Faye. is the other 65% unbridled hate? The coded conversations are so transparent.

Harry and Aaron are having a very dangerous conversation! They are always skirting around nomination chat.

What the hell is going on with Tom and Alex? I hope they don't snog because it will ruin a good friendship. It's kind of cute, though. I think they're just getting desperate. Either way; they're the most genuine couple in the house.

Big Brother 2011 - What will our friends and family say?

I wasn't even going to bother to write this blog today cos I thought if the producers are going to treat me like a cunt, why should I bother publicising their rotten little show? But then I saw they were showing the audition tapes and changed my mind - turncoat!

I think the problem with Aaron and Faye is that they fancy each other but they don't like each other. Jem is always 'what will our friends and family think' - who knows, maybe one person might think one thing, one person might think another, rather than being one homogeonous lump of judgement! Ever considered that?

The way Jem is eating her breakfast is making me feel physically sick and the fact she's eating it in bed isn't helping.

Did Jay just said 'I didn't ride her' about having sex with someone? Women aren't fucking horses! What a loathsome man. How can Louise sit there giggling, dead-eyed and pretend she fancies that, when she doesn't, and if she does, she needs to change her medication.

Oh Faye, just fucking leave already you immature, manipulative, pathetic little parasite. Affecting your Big Brother experience? Your affecting my Big Brother experience with your dreary drab face, your whinging monotone voice and your cold unpleasant sister. Why don't you both just fuck off?

Rowing task. What is this music they're playing over the top of it, I feel like I'm stucking a Nintendo game (window pane). Four hours rowing!

Aaron telling Louise and Jay he took his wife's name when they got married (well, went double-barrelled) and Louise went 'I've never heard of that before.' WTF! I am literally agog. Just how thick is this bitch? Then she goes 'I won't change my name then' and caveman Jay goes 'yeah you will.' Yeah and put his fucking tea on and do his washing whilst you're at it, and no you're not going out with your friends and why have you got all that make up on? *puts head in hands* *gnashes teeth*

That has probably shocked me more than anything I've seen this series. Go on Louise, 'spit out' those babies, be a good girl. Do you think she's ever even heard of feminism? Do you think she's ever even had a boyfriend make her a cup of tea or give her more than three minutes foreplay? She probably thinks it's Christmas when she gets oral sex or allowed out for the night, she's so fucking subservient.

Sorry, I'm in quite a bad news tonight, so I'm on a bit of a bile roll. The problem is, there's almost no one to champion in the house.

'I could still do the task, I just can't be bothered etc'. Clearly. I'm just waiting for Jay to get upset about being beaten by a girl. It must be hard to do that for eight hours. I wouldn't last eight fucking minutes. I love Alex! She was determined.

Aaron shaking his head when Faye's video was showing is a bit rich considering he slagged off 'gobby women' and called himself a womaniser. I don't think Aaron and Faye can really have a go at each other about the audition videos, as they both came across as absolute cocks. That won't stop them, though, obviously.

Aaron is stewing on something! How can he say he's a ladies man if he's not had sex in seven years! I smell bullshit. I know they lie on their vids, but he is too shady.

What ARE Jay and Louise doing under those covers? Not hiding from their brothers, that's for sure!

Jem moaning about wanting to leave is a bit ungrateful after the public voted to save her. Just leave if you want to leave and stop hanging it over people's heads. Piss off and take your comedy hats with you!

What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? What will our friends and family say? So Jem is going to leave because Faye's smoking? Chuck her in the pool. Fucking hell, the emotional blackmail going on right there! Families, hey! That unconditional love knows no bounds. That blood really is thicker than water - really, really thick. Do we have to watch quite so much of this? It's boring as fuck.

Jem 'I don't think I should stay for the people who voted.' I'm glad I didn't vote for that cunt. Ungrateful bitch.

If you really want to go and they're giving you that 'go sleep on it' shit I'd just start banging my head against the wall, it's not a fucking prison. I'm always looking to make my exit in any given situation. Or just go spit on someone. Or call them dish out some race hate. That seems to have worked in the past. Oh no, they can't do that, they've voted out all the black people. And almost all the women. Jay McCaveman and his limpet girlfriend FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - Re-issue, repackage

Anton eviction: two highlights. One: Jem's face when she was saved. Two: Jay's face directly after. Twitchy isn't the word. Imagine being less popular than some hard-faced adjunct who's only been in there two weeks. Now that's the public really sending a strong message. I would have loved to have seen him go instead of Anton. The fact that Jay thought the public would be enthralled by all their crypt claptrap says a lot about his taste in entertainment.

Anton was good in his interview, and left a classy goodbye speech. Brian let himself down a bit by crawling up his arse. Besides, I don't think sexism was Anton's defining feature. It was being an enormous prick.

Villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain villain bye.

What is this week long catch up for? Stop pandering to 'casual viewers'. There are no 'casual viewers'. But you're in danger of making your regular viewers casual.

OMG I literally can't believe that this has been all recap so far. WTF am I supposed to write my blog about? They are taking us for absolute cunts. As if it's not embarrassing enough admitting to people that you still watch Big Brother, about five years after everyone else did, now they are taking us for complete mugs, too. I'm actually appalled. If I miss a TV show, I don't expect that next time I tune in everyone else who did watch it should have to sit through someone patronisingly telling me what I missed. I just catch the fuck up. It's not exactly The Wire, is it?

My boyfriend just said they give us so little anyway, and to take more away is just unfair. It's true, it's like they're picking on us! Where's the logic?

In that insulting recap, I hadn't actually seen Tom getting Harry's letter, or Faye pathetically going 'I really like you' to Aaron.

Jay is devastated, yeah, devastated that he got beats by Jem.

Faye's drunk and being a dick again. Another row! Boo. Go hide under your covers again, Aaron.

Are they or aren't they allowed to talk about nominations now? Who knows.

Jem: 'At some point tomorrow I'd like to have a chat with you.' Scary! Aaron shouldn't say those bridges are burnt- if you love someone you make an effort with their family. It's your duty, no matter how awful they might be, and Jem did offer to talk to him about it, albeit in a threatening way. That proves to me that Aaron doesn't care one jot about Faye.

Why has Faye got some hat from Downton Abbey hat on? Why when Faye says 'I really like you' does it sound like a threat?I just glaze over when Louise and Jay are on.

Eww to Jay staring in the mirror while cuddling Louise; gross. And were they shagging at the end? The thing is... I just don't care anymore. A new low in the BB legacy tonight.

Big Brother 2011 - I don't want to see a ghost, rather have a piece of toast

I'm a bit fed up cos I missed the first 10 minutes and I hate watching things late. I normally just refuse to watch them at all because I'm cut-off-your-nose-to-spite-my-face like that. I like Alex's zombie look, this is making me want to watch the Walking Dead. The make-up is quite decent.

Faye looked like she had a wet bum in the DR. Aaron is aroused by the zombie look! Anton and Jay are enjoying a good eyeful, too. I think Anton is so gutted that he never got off with anyone in that house, it's poisoned him.

'A full effort!' Aaron is like a virtual Shakespeare. It's like deja vu with him and Faye, are they/ aren't they/ who cares.

This film premier looks like a star-studded event. Angelina? Cruise? Shia LaBeouf, even? No, it's Lucien Laviscount and Bobby Sable. Alex Reid aint even there.

I just texted my friend to find out what happened in the first 10 mins and she said she was napping. How can you nap through the crypt twist, this TV bronze?

I hope Paranormal Activity 3 is better than 1 which just involved a creaking door and a couple so interminable you were praying for them to die, and quickly.

Alex looks good as a zombie. She's pissing me off being so scared of nothing, though. She's losing brownie points here.

Jay and Anton are trashing the garden. They are getting Evil Dick heavy metal music like they play in BBUSA when someone goes crazy. A cushion in a tree? They'll know Jay is the culprit.

Aaron is going to go bananas about that mess. Hope he enjoyed that creaky door 3.

What a load of non-seance! I'm ouija bored. No, I'm not really, I just wanted to use some bad puns. They should have played Ouija Board by Morrissey over this bit.

LOL to how unshocked they all looked when Anton and Jay popped up. Thought Jay and Anton were going to 'play it ghoul'?

Smart move by Anton to put Jem up. It's who do you think you can beat, isn't it? 'Faye and Anton just got together'? Rilly?

I HATE Jay and Anton lording it over everyone, it's gross. Jay alluding to something and then not saying what is pathetic. How can Jem trust Jay? Him and Anton just put her up! Why would Faye and Jem believe what Jay said, anyway?

How dare Harry be 'energetic and excited' in the DR!? Evict him immediately. Aaron: 'I don't know what to believe.' Believe your friend.

Jay: 'Faye needs to pipe down a bit'. You can fucking talk, you absolute prick. I'd love to see this cunt go out this week.

Anton's behaviour is giving me a bad feeling in my stomach. Louise, you are thick if you're believing this bullshit. I hate this hatchet job they are doing on Harry, it's so unfair. Just don't FALL FOR IT!

Why is Faye digging Aaron out about Jem? Shouldn't she trust her OWN BOYFRIEND? God, this lot deserve each other, they really do. Save Harry!

PS: I'm off out tomorrow night (shocking stuff) so there may not be a blog. See you at the weekend, zombinos.

Big Brother 2011 - Own ghoul

I like the twist, I mean, not the people getting an unfair advantage, but the idea of the crypt, anyway. And the outfits. I don't really like not knowing what's going on, or Anton or Jay getting special privileges or power. They got a fried breakfast, ffs! And they're the most hated people in the house. That's just not cricket, honeybunch.

Aaron and Harry should be a bit savvy, though, and consider the fact that Anton and Jay could be watching.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, don't we, Sree?

Every time Louise comes to the DR I lose the will to live. She don't half prattle on.

So can they see the Diary Room or not? I heard they can, which isn't right. And they got live feed and we don't! This is BS.

There's blood coming out of the shower! Well that's a convenient excuse to perv on Louise, Harry.

Anton looks like the Emperor from Star Wars in his ghoulie garb. I think I kind of like it.

Get that miserable bitch Faye, next! Bury her alive.

Interesting to see Anton watch Aaron sympathising with him in the sauna. Jay on the live feed: 'This is like watching paint dry.' Ungrateful!

I hate the way Faye tries to manipulate Aaron. She's constantly trying to trip him up. They really are both as bad as each other. I think what Jem said in the DR was a fair cop, to be honest.

I think Anton is getting a bit carried away with his cape, he's like a machiavellian muppet.

Aaron... you've actually thought about sleeping with your 'girlfriend'! PERVERT! The way she reacts to things is fucking pathetic. I don't think Aaron creates dramas to get air time. I just think him and Faye are completely incompatible.

Uh oh, I don't like Anton and Jay plotting against Aaron. They have a totally unfair advantage. Anton is plotting a very dastardly plan!

OMG they are showing them the Diary Room! A bond of trust has been abused... something of value... has been lost. Do they care nothing for traditions? Honestly, I find that quite shocking. You could say something highly personal in there. It kind of backfired, too, because Aaron was saying nice things about Jay and Anton.

Quite telling that Jay's biggest insult for someone is to call them a 'girl'. Those bodies in the hall are scary!

I think Alex is overdoing the histrionics a bit. Even she twigged the chihuahua story wasn't true. I want to know what little monster they do have in that cage. I think Alex would rather see Tinkerbell than Tashie. I definitely would.

Jem always says she doesn't know Aaron. But she lives with him!

Harry's not dressed as Tim Henman's dad today. He's dressed more like he found some things in a lost property box. Anton is pan-faced at Harry's DR lols.

My boyfriend just said they should show the house what idiot 1 and 2 have been doing in the crypt. But will they? They need to do something to even the score.

I hope Anton NEVER makes it back into that house. And I hope they evict the cunt in that outfit.

Now, please excuse me, I've just got to take a call on my crypt phone.

Big Brother 2011 - We've become legends

I've got a friend round who doesn't have a TV and hasn't watched one episode. He's already laughing at 'This house was built on a burial site.' Fact. He also says Marcus is hamming it up since the old days.

No one wants your £110 trainers, Jay.

Louise: 'I love going into a butchers and smelling the meat.' Gross! Butchers smell like death. Murder! Do you know how animals die, Louise?

Look at Aaron's bad taste tattoos. They look like 90s tattoos.

Nominations! Yay. I avoided the result again. Very easy. Anton admits he's got no dignity. Well, we knew that.

Anton's irrelevant nominations! Boo. Play ball, naughty. Ooh, Louise is nominating a man. Weird. Louise is nominating Faye because she wants to have a chat with her. WTF.

Lots of nomination talk today. Crack down, BB! Nice threads, Harry. I'm sure Tim Henman's dad would love them.

I like Anton being nominated by Jem for 'cackling to himself.' A wrestler is intimidated by Jay! He's not punched a pillow in a week now.

OMG Jay doing a poo with the door open! I've seen it all now. Did he say 'I'm coming out'? Strange way to do it! My friend is horrified! I've already appalled him tonight by suggesting dolphins lay eggs, now this. I'm never going to live down my lowbrow lifestyle.

Why is Faye nominating wrapped in that beige towel? Ick.

Interesting Alex nominated Aaron for his mood swings, I'm surprised he didn't get more. I'm thrilled that Anton and Jay are up!

Louise and Jay are pure toilet, with her farts and his poops.

It's been quite a funny BB so far tonight. Tom and Alex's imaginary hair salon. Please let Jay cut his pinkie off. I'd like crisps on tap.

Jay is missing his grandma. No, just her dumplings. Let's see how long this speaking ban lasts.

Even Jay's tomato sauce rantings don't make sense. Plus, they're NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE THINGS.

Jay vs a Pillow 2. The revenge. It's like a bad play. I just said he'd changed his ways! Now he's let us all down again.

I liked Big Brother giving them a taste of their own medicine, cute. Tom; 'I think we should break this silence thing, soon.' I think you already have.

I'm slightly behind on the show and my friend has texted me to say 'this twist is a kick in the groin'. I'm intrigued now. Kick 'em both out! Go eat granny's dumplings.

Jay and Anton deserve to be put in a crypt. Bedsit times! I don't want them to change the noms! I was looking forward to another wolf scalp on my wall this week.

Are they going to get some food in the afterlife? I hate this pair, I don't want them to have that power. It's like a poisoned bedsit! Bedshit! Down at the bottom of the garden/ amongst the birds and the bees/ a little lot of little tossers/ they call the Wolfpack disease! I like their little black outfits, but it's not as good as when Emma's top kept falling down.

Is it going to be Fight Night 2? I hope Jay nuts someone and gets kicked out. I like that crypt, just seal up the doors and leave them in there.

Are they feeding them Halloween sweeties in that crypt? I think they're eating skulls filled with goop and pumpkin bubblegum.

This is a good twist, it's been a particularly good episode tonight. It's just a shame about the two people up for nomination, as it's skewed things in the wrong direction.

'It's been two hours since Jay and Anton went to their graves.' If only. I like those headphones they're wearing.

Don't invoke rule 13, Big Brother. Who do you think you are, Vinnie Jones?

Love Anton and Jay patting their hearts to show the love. But will they be showing the love when they go back in? Who will be wielding the knife ala Victor? Will Tom do a Marco? Who will be shown the door?

Also, isn't it fishy, possibly, that on the first week Aaron isn't up Anton essentially 'throws' the nominations? How would things have been different if Aaron and Anton were in the crypt?

I hope this pans out this week. And don't get me wrong, I hope it's explosive. But I hope the fallout sways in the right direction.

In the meantime, Jay and Anton: I aren't Legend.

Big Brother 2011 - Off the peg

I wouldn't say romance was dead in that house but 'Jay for Loo' allegedly written in blood doesn't really do it for me. Anton: 'I'm either a villian or an antihero.' Tom: 'No, you're just a dick.'

Aaron is going to treat Faye like a princess. Is that the princess with a good work ethic? Yes, like Cinderella, he's going to lock her in a cupboard and make her do some sweeping. Mind you, she deserves it.

I'm sick of Aaron and Faye and I'm sick of Jay and Louise. At least that kiss looked passionate between Aaron and Faye. Louise and Jay are more like doggers. In fact, they probably WILL be doggers when they get out. High class doggers.

LOl to Aaron covering up his snogging by moaning about frosted fucking flakes. Love Harry's acerbic digs!

UH OH! Aaron's not happy about Faye's nipple piercing talk! There's gonna be hell to pay. He's never going to make her cry again? We'll see. He's probably made her cry again before the end of this blog.

What is Louise going on about? I don't think she knows what day of the week is.

Jay 'I never thought I was going to come in here and win Big Brother.' Rubbish! He can make friends in an empty room? Hmm, depends how fussy the room is. Still, nice to see Jay and Aaron chatting (I think).

I'd be wary of Aaron, too, if I was Jem. She should wrestle him to the ground and find out what his intentions are.

That jumper Aaron is wearing! WTF is he thinking, he looks like a school teacher. And what's going on with his beard? It's gone a bit Noel-Edmonds-during-Deal-or-No-Deal-live-week.

These love messages are fucking try hard! Tragic. You can't make someone love you with a straw or tin foil. Some gaffer tape and a chainsaw and we might be talking.

Jay and Louise are actually getting quite creepy now. Did Jay just use the word 'epiphany'? Howway man! Was that it? Bit of a dull one tonight. No, not my blog, the show!

Big Brother's Bit on the Side (BOTS)

I thought I'd do a quick review of BOTS, as I've actually been watching it this series, unlike last series, when it was Big Mouth, but bore no resemblance to the surreal art-house knockabout romp fronted by Russell Brand in our youths, but instead was Davina McCall (remember her?) shrieking and trying to be impartial. Appalling.

I've had my doubts about Emma Willis in the past (shrilllllll!) but she loves Big Brother, and she's easy on the eye, and I think she's been pretty good for this show. She watches it (which is more than Davina or George Lamb - shudder - did) and she has a good sense of humour. The format of the show is generally quite good and easy to watch, and although I can't warm to Alice (what's the point of her?) I went from hating Jamie East to thinking he's pretty funny, and he gets away with saying the most offensive things. They don't try too hard to be funny or surreal, as has been the mistake on this show in the past.

The guests are generally quite good with a few exceptions (how much did they have to pay Linda Lusardi?). Pete Burns, Lauren Harries and Victor have all been extremely good value and entertaining, although you can get a bit sick of anyone after a week.

Victor can somehow get away with being so offensive and sexist, yet still being super funny. I'd say there's slightly too much Josie on it (what is the fascination with her?) but I like it when they dig up ancient housemates like Freddie, Ahmed and Jonty. And it's always a pleasure to see Rodrigo on my screen. But when are they going to dig up the Irrepressible Dark Horse, or did I miss that one?

I think when BB finishes, and BOTS is no more, I'll miss it. But I'd still swap it in seconds for even an hour of live feed. Sort it out, C5. I miss it on those nights I stay up late. Waiting for them to wake up used to be a gentle sort of fun.

PS: a word on OKTV. Fair enough ditching smug Matt, but Kate Walsh is worth a hundred of the sleazy Jenny Frost. And Jeff Brazier is no good, either. Goodbye!

Big Brother 2011 - Frosted flakes food fight fiasco

Imagine waking up to the frosted flake aftermath! I hate the way Aaron stomps around making people feel uncomfortable. I hate people who put their mood onto everyone else.

Tom is soooo right about Aaron, he doesn't know when to stop. 'Mortified'? Get a grip. I'd hate to see how he reacts when something really mad happens. He's worse that Vinnie Jones in a way, because it's all so insidious. I could NOT go out with a moody man; I'd stab him to death within a week. I'd prefer all-out bile to that.

If it's not Frosties, then it's the letter bomb of love that will bring us together. I like these shit-stirring tasks. Jay is reading Anton's letter like a six-year-old reads out their homework. Lucky it didn't have any words over three syllables in it.

I liked the 'Lego bricks' comment. Bit harsh. Willy, willy, willy (revived). I think I'd like to see Aaron go this week, even though I've voted to save him many times. I'm fed up with him. It's just plain rude not listening to people's letters; they are human beings, frosted flakes or otherwise. Nice 'f' alliteration, Marcus Bentley.

He doesn't give a shit about Faye if they're really breaking up over some Frosties. Aaron, you are pissing all the good will the public have for you up the wall.

Harry's gone BOOM! Jay is going to be in the bad books. Damn, I wanted to hear more 'honeybunch' stuff. I would have been more interested in that than any of the others!

Imagine having a mirror straight in front of the toilet! No one wants to look at themselves having a shit. And if it's because there's a camera behind there, that's even worse.

Jay's mum wrote a nice message, quite eloquent to have spawned him. Aw, Alex is so cute speculating what would have been in his letter from home.

I honestly think Aaron should shove that letter from home up his arse. Although I think Faye is enjoying having the moral high ground. I like her jumper, though.

This conversation between Anton and Aaron is cringy. Anton should stay as he is - a prize prat. Going to the final? We'll see!

What was Jay alluding to then? Is he saying he slept with Louise?! A gentleman? I don't think so!

Wow, it's only 10pm. Two extra hours before bed! *eats popcorn*

Big Brother 2011 - Wait until mum sees this

Two blogs on the trot, my laptop is going to cry. Lucky my novel writing has come to a grinding halt lately as I've had some serious techno troubles this week and I could have lost my magnum opus.

I'm looking forward to seeing Anton unravel from all angles tonight.

Showergate! Who DOES shower naked in from of their family? Well, maybe Jedward. Jem is dressed entirely in clothes I own today. Weird.

I think Faye doesn't want Jem to see her naked because she thinks she's out of shape. She's seriously touchy about her body, cos it's all she's got.

Alex is always supporting other people. When does anyone ever support her?

What exactly happened with Louise and Jay? What's the current status? I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of storyline here.

They are pointing out Harry is posh again, in case we've forgotten. They are obviously worried about him becoming a bit too popular. OMG 25 rooms in his house! It shouldn't take that long to count the rooms in your house. Right, it worked, I'm not voting for him. Aw, bootsy baby. Besides, he must still live with his mummy.

As much as I like Aaron it's indicative of the poor quality of housemates that he is winning all the public votes. I HATE it when housemates talk to the cameras, it's the lowest of the low, Big Brother shouldn't show it in my opinion.

Which campus is Jay the big man on? The university of idiots?

Aaron: 'I was a bit of a nincompoop at 19.' LOL. You're now talking to yourself in a garden. Get a grip, man.

Ah, Louise is back in bed with Jay. She must be bored.

I like Alex's pink dress. Aaron and Faye's showmance paid off. My boyfriend noticed that the housemates don't seem to be allowed to get up to hug each other when people get saved. Must be camera angles.

Can't believe Anton wanted to ruin Aden's exit. What a tool. Aden wasn't bothered about going! Lol to the Wolf pack's best bits. I didn't remember Pammy was a member.

Jay: 'he took it like a man'. Aden wasn't getting his limbs blown off in war, ffs. Then Jay started crawling up Aaron's arse. But Aaron still won't bite. Aaron is quite ungracious; be polite like Alex with the gross posh food.

I love the fact Faye and Aaron argue about how to celebrate not being evicted. They are a truly fucked up couple. Tom is right though; Aaron will get so far, but he won't win. It is the Freddie Factor, and it just took Bea to derail that train.

Uh oh, Louise is pissed and saying she fancies Jay again. Jay: 'so why did you say you didn't like us then?' Because SHE WAS SOBER.

Anton, you're not a popular villain. You're an unpopular knob.

I wonder why everyone's getting on? Because Anton and Jay are both on a kiss-ass mission. I like Jem's strawberry hat.

Frosties fight! Imagine finding all those in your pants all week! Aaron is disgusted! People having fun! HEATHENS.

LOl to Alex eating own-brand Frosties out of a shoe. There's one for her best bits. Probably still tasted better than Harry's posh nosh.

Aaron is in shock and awe! Faye's getting involved in the Frosties fight! Dumped again. Aaron is going to get a shock one of these days when his Victor Meldrew runs out of steam and he gets shown the door. And wouldn't it be a turn up for the books if it happened before Anton? Vote wisely this week, housemates.

The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

Big Brother 2011 - Blessed of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrapish

Why is Jay getting cheered? He's a total arsehole. The crowd is full of knobs. If he hears himself getting cheered that will make him even more unbearable. Why is Faye getting cheered, too?

Anton's got his Dustin crown on! Douche.

Anton is plotting. Hopefully he won't be around to make the reign of the wolfpack come true.

Interesting they are pitching it as Aaron vs Anton. It's not quite a two horse race yet.

LOL to Brian flirting with Jem's ridiculously pumped boyfriend.

It took me about seven minutes to work out this game was meant to be Deal or No Deal. I love it when they bust out the kloches. Aden is getting quite a good edit, here. I would have took the phonecall.

Ugh that made me sick to see Jay getting cheered and congratulating himself. Yay, Aaron got the most votes! That's one in the eye for Jay. Aaron's being all humble! They don't normally tell you who got the most votes, interesting.

Why on earth did Aden let Louise cut his hair? Did he not see what she did to Jay? He looks like he's used to posing for mugshots.

Yuck, all that burping is gross. I'm on Aaron's side. I don't burp! Aaron has got the hump because Faye burped at him. My boyfriend is a bit funny about things like that, too, but luckily I don't burp. Aaron is 'scarred by it.' Control freak! Aaron is sooooo prissy.

I am sickened again by Jay getting so roundly cheered! The man is an animal. I can't stand Faye, but I'm glad they said she was safe before him. What's Jem wearing; some sort of hessian hat, a garland and a silver bikini. WTF.

Aaron and Faye are the touchiest couple on the planet! She can't tell when he's joking because he says them with a straight face and she can't hack it. If they're like this after three weeks 'of love' can you imagine what they'd be like after a year? Relationships are supposed to enrich you, ffs.

I might believe Aden was leaving more on Thursday if he wasn't sitting there on Friday night! I remember when John James went crab-eyesing through that very door. Magical moments, they were. Until they put him back in.

I'm so annoyed that Anton is pretending to care that we hate him. He cares a lot. He's just a little boy hiding behind a series of comedy hats. Damn him!

And damn Brian Dowling too, for making me wait an hour to find out what's what. I need to know now!

Love Anton going 'wow' when he realises Aaron and Faye are popular. Aaron shaking his head when Jay did his 'thanks' message was lols. Wolfpack crap. My thoughts exactly.

LOL to Anton surviving. Anton seems grateful for whatever braindead amoeba voted for him. Stop ruining Aden's moment, you prick. Brap! Aden sounds like my cat when he does his telephone noise. My cat makes that noise when he's happy; Aden seem pretty happy, too. Who can blame him?

LOL Anton is crying! I'm fucking thrilled. Are we finally seeing him crack? His friendship with Aden actually seems real. Could this be Anton's turnaround moment? If he does a proper grovel, maybe he could end up winning it. I never thought we would see this moment, when he was begging the crowd to boo him, but he does actually care! I knew it. He'll be cuddling Aaron by the end of the week.

Why DID Aden get such a good reception? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

I liked him being embarrassed at seeing himself blubbing. I hate it when people say 'I love you to pieces'. I have a mental image of being in pieces in a bin bag.

I thought Aden came off quite well in the interview. He seemed a lot perkier than in the house. I thought his skinhead looked alright, too, and I liked his interaction with the crowd.

LOL to him being embarrassed at his own rapping. Genuinity indeed! He took that very well. I actually thought he was cute when he went in. And he said Alex FTW. Yay. And a classy message, too.

Rebecca looked like an absolute state, but she looked really happy, like she actually loved him! Weird. What a strange happy ending. I believe in it more than Aaron and Faye, at least they might have some sexual chemistry. Well, for tonight, at least. Lock up your Travelodge!

Big Brother 2011 - Strop over yet? What about now?

What don't you want to hear about your hair in the morning? 'It doesn't look atrocious.' Still, better than 'it does look atrocious', I guess.

Every computer in my house is broken except this one, which is hanging on by a thread. I have to shut it every ten minutes to stop it overheating. If I have to end up writing a BB blog on my phone I'm going to be super miffy-ied.

Jay's in a grump about food again. It's like Groundhog Day. Groundhog Jay.

Anton: 'if my name's not called on Friday I'm leaving.' Not that old trick! Is he doing reverse psychology in the public? What an intelligent man! Evict it! I really miss the vote to evict this year. We were wrong for wanting the vote to save all that time. Vote to evict was amazing.

Could Aaron win it? Could he?

Aw to them buying Alex hair extensions. £30 is extravagant when they've only got £100 to last them a week. We're budgeting in our house at the mo, and I would call that entirely mental. My Avon stuff came today and now we can't even have a drink tomorrow! We had to buy our cats own brand cat food, ffs. Luckily, they eat anything.

I don't think OK magazine would even be interested in Faye and Aaron, they're so dull as a couple. Is it real, or isn't it? Either way, it's boring. I like Aaron, but she just saps me to death. They should have her droning on a loop to get confessions out of child molesters.

Is snap-on hair nice? I hate all hair extensions. Just grow your hair, you lazy buggers. It only takes two years and it doesnt come off in your soup.

LOL to Aden's house meeting. Loving the dramatic music. I wonder if there was one person in that kitchen not thinking 'what a prick.' Uncivil solutions all round, please. Now Anton is sulking in bed like Aaron normally does.

I LOVED Alex and Tom doing the Macarena 28 times. They are so cute together. How do they know all the dance moves? Do some people just come born with that ability to do the Macarena?

Aaron says the stupidest things. But Faye gets upset very easily. Aw, Aaron is cute. Faye can't take a joke and the sister is worse.

Harry is the funniest person in that house, hands down. I'd love a posho to win it. But can it be done? Save Aaron! Boo Jay. And throw things at Anton. Cheers.

Big Brother 2011 - We've grafted all day fighting Yetis

What's all this echoey recapping? Can we just see some new clips, please.

Alex shouldn't admit to Anton that she nominated him. Have you ever heard an intelligent person say 'because obviously I'm intelligent'? Do you think Einstein walked round extolling his own virtues and wearing a 'Wasn't Me' cap?

Bad atmosphere in that house today. The reason Anton's gone mad is because he's lost control and he's lost it badly. I still don't think he'll go, though. I think it'll be Aden.

Snow theme! What's up with Alex? I don't like things that are 'character building.' My character's built.

Aaron's got mirrors on his ceiling. Is that for wanking? He likes the work ethic of what Disney princess? The way Faye goes 'are you kinky?' is like 'have you got herpes?' No, I just like missionary position only Faye, once a week for the rest of our miserable life! Happy now, dear?

Jay was pretty close on the skiing task! Hehe. BB could be bullshitting about him being under time for all we know. I hope so.

Aaron: 'I bought into the concept of us.' Smooth.

Anton: 'Aaron's just a natural dickhead.' That's rich coming from him! I'm glad Louise stood up to him. I think Anton might stab someone soon. Hope it's Jay.

Beware the yellow snow. Ugh they made her eat cow urine? Surely that's against health and safety? She didn't look too pleased about that. Not sure why she tried it again, though.

I don't really like this task, or any elaborate task like this. I prefer the ones where they pull their personalities to bits, or when they just leave things to happen organically. But they never do that anymore.

I sleep with my contacts in, unlike that willyhole Aden. They just stick to my eyes after. Hardcore!

Who's in the Yeti suit? I reckon Holy Moly dude off BOTS. Brrrrrrrrap!

WTF is up with Anton? I think he's going to start clucking like a chicken in a minute. Spiteful little shit. He did well on that task, though, it looked hard.

Is it me or does Jay look quite sexy when they flash up that photo of him? Weird.

Oh god, not more shopping list gripes. Boring! Jay, you've not 'grafted all day fighting yetis', you went on a ski machine for half an hour.

Aaron: 'well done for climbing Ben Nevis but once again you've made a bit of an idiot of yourself.' True, dat. DOES good beat evil every time? Freddy Krueger says otherwise.

My boyfriend just came up with a title for my blog 'ava-lunch'. Too late!

Big Brother 2011 - Wolf pack (your bags)

Guillemots wake up call! I love Guillemots. Makes a nice change from David Guetta. Oh, God, Louise realised she doesn't connect with Jay whatsoever. She is leading him down the garden path a bit then, and she needs to tell him right now, as it's a bit unfair. This Guillemots song is called 'I don't feel amazing now.' Apt.

I've also never seen her with mascara down her face. Reassuring for us mortals. Look at Jay's boxers! I can see Peter Stringfellow in those babies.

I don't think she should get into bed with someone who she just wants to be friends with. Break it to him, and see if he jumps on Jem. I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, she's actually telling him. That's brave. Not sure he's listening. 'There's no chemistry but I like snogging you.' Mixed messages.

I like Tom's emaciated little body. Is that wrong? Aaron is stirring the pot. Ulterior motive!

I haven't found out the nominations this week. I'm surprised they're not letting Jem nominate! I think her nominations might have counted this week.

I don't like this nomination talk, as it advantages Anton's crew. Faye wants to nominate Louise? What's the point?

Is the osmosis effect 'if you hang around with shit, you'll be shit'? That's not what my science teacher told me. No wonder I only got a C in my GCSE.

Pleeeeeeeaaaase let Anton be up this week! Harry's not that stupid, Anton, you transparent fuck. Anton looks like fucking Zippy today. He looks like you could stick your arm up his neck and use him as a puppet.

Anton needling Harry to find out who he voted for. As if Aaron would vote for Harry! You douche, Anton.

Harry is getting away with banana-gate quite well. Tom looks nice today, I like his hair.

OMG I would kill to see Aden vs Anton. Aaron got the nominations pretty much spot on. Anton is such a TOOL!

Aden is so inconsequential now, he's like a little fucking bug crawling around with a hat on, giggling at Anton's sexism.

Aaron and Harry's patronising Alex corner. She's having none of it.

I'll be very interested to see this eviction. I think people will vote to save Aaron and some meatheads will vote to save Jay. Aden, Anton and Faye are all vulnerable, I think.

If people are booing Jay he'll walk straight out! Bold words. I'm almost tempted to go down there and boo myself.

Anton is sweating about this eviction and I like it. Aaron forgave Faye quickly for nomming him. Harry's clothes are a treat. My boyfriend said he's wearing Ben Duncan's cast-offs. i actually know someone who wears clothes like that in real life, my friend's FIANCE (not yours, Lopez).

Aden, at least Louise told you she nominated you. I wouldn't even waste a vote on you, you're so pointless. He's like those see no evil monkeys, except he's 'speak more bullshit' monkey.

Anton's stirring! Anton is so out of touch with Harry's real feelings it's untrue; even Louise can see through it. Anton is 100% the biggest buffoon to ever walk through those doors.

Aden, you pathetic little weasel, just go and get your heart trampled on by Rebeckah and STFU. I'm sick of the sight of you.

We think Alex can win it. What do you think?

Big Brother 2011 - can you hear me, honeybunch?

I think Louise is just getting caught up in the moment with Jay, but I don't think she really likes him. Mind you, I've been 'persuaded' to like someone before in my time.
Just as Aaron is feeling the 'trust', Big Brother are going to do something really nasty tonight. Mind you, it serves Faye right, she should never have nominated Aaron.
The prizes on that board look good. 'I hope I get the gym session' - wtf! People who are happy about going to the gym are sadistic cunts.
Aden - 'I want a date with Rebeckah'. Really?!
LOL to Jay getting a bunch of bananas, very apt.
OK so Faye hit nominations, so it wasn't really a set up. God, she's such a whinging old bag. Take that woolly hat off, you prat.
Harry won the phone call home on the Deal or No Deal phone. We've seen the crockery ban on BBUSA. They recycle all those ideas! This is quite a good task, though. Decent prizes. They should wheel this out again.
WTF Aden should not be allowed to WRITE in the Big Brother house! Kick him out.
LOL to Jem taking Jay to the gym. Faye took it well, didn't she? How can Aaron find that behaviour attractive? She is odious. She's sulking like a five-year-old who's dropped her lolly.
LOL to Jem slating Faye when she's in the same room! Love it.
Jem: 'if you're up for nomination this week you can go to a gym, can't you?' Brilliant, she just assumes her sister will be evicted.
I wish Faye would go and kill herself, as promised. I thought she wasn't going to watch them train. Their working out is the stupidest thing ever. I like Jay smoking and training. This Big Brother is funny for all the wrong reasons tonight.
WHY does Aaron like Faye? Why, why, why?
We were taking bets on whether Harry would call him mum 'mummy' and he did. AMAZING! I love posh people! Mummy! How could you do it on TV?! They think that's normal!
Oh Jay, you're so romantic. Can't wait to lick your bumhole. Louise's body makes me feel decidedly... wobbly in comparison.
Rebeckah's hair extensions! Mank. I like her bleach job, though. Aden's face when Rebeckah said 'I love you'. Class. Don't worry, Rebeckah Aden is not going to get with another girl because everyone else thinks he's an immature little chimp.
Rebeckah shouldn't be allowed to stir shit about Anton again! Does Tom even like Rebeckah? I think he hates her guts! Bring Rebeckah back in, she's magic as a housemate. I liked Tom with his little dungarees.
At least Faye knows Aaron didn't nominate her now. I love watching them squirm when they show the nominations. Anton was doing mega crab eyes. He actually looked surprised that someone nominated him.
Aaron didn't seem to react to her nominating him. But I think he's going to sit on it and make her suffer. I can see his downward spiral getting it's freak on.
Faye got a LOT of nominations. So now her and Jem are thick as thieves again? Fucking hell, she flip flops more than Nemo trying to get back to the ocean.
How the fuck can Faye sit there and moan about Harry when SHE NOMINATED AARON? She is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. What about what YOU DID, Faye?
Harry and Aaron doing veiled noms chat again! Are they ever gonna get a tell off for that?
I think Big Brother is a bit naughty trying to force Jay and Louise to have sex, especially as she doesn't want to.
Aaron's body language when Faye tried to give him a hug was very telling. All she goes on about is 'me'- 'I feel weird... this has ruined my night.' Can you IMAGINE if Aaron had nominated her? Just imagine it for a minute. Not pretty, is it?
Why doesn't she stop and think about WHY people nominated her. Why doesn't she listen to the reasons?
Are we going to have more lizard tongues now? This flatulence talk is soooo sexy. I HATE silk sheets. We got silky sheets once and they were gross, cold and shiny and I used to slide into to bedside table all the time and knock my glass of water over.
My boyfriend just said 'how long before Jem puts Faye up?'
Spoonies! Talk about doing BB's dirty work for them.

Big Brother 2011 - Toothbrush talk

Recap, recap, recap, it's worse than Watchdog.
'The gag reflex of a trouper' - has she got a medal for that? Hmm, my netbook just died. Now I'm on my laptop that cuts out every 15 minutes. This should be fun. I also have a computer with a bust monitor. Technology isn't on my side this weekend.
Can't believe they coined Alex a 'floater', apparently that term was coined in BBUSA by Rachel. So someone's been watching that.
Aaron ignoring Jay is getting ridiculous now.
I didn't like Jem alluding to Aaron being like a dick in the diary room. That is basically talking about the outside world. Now Faye is giving him a grilling! So unfair. Then she goes on about him 'being a gentleman' in bed, and then goes 'let's not talk about it!' You started it, you arsehole! God, I hate the way she operates.
I wouldn't like Jem coming in and grilling me. She shouldn't make comments about Aaron being a 'player' because theoretically she shouldn't know that. Only she could make 'I'm really looking forward to getting to know you' sound like a threat. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's got about as much warmth as a stalagmite.
Push the button! Don't push the button. The way Faye and Jem talk to each other is almost as appalling as the music they keep playing in the house. Now I understand why they put Jem in; not as a treat, but to drive Faye mad.
Harry's dancing is wicked. I love watching people dance badly.
Liked Anton not falling for Faye's 'joke'. I thought jokes were meant to be funny. If I found out my sister had been grilling my 'boyfriend', I'd be pissed off.
I think I need a translator for Jay tonight, he's talking complete gibberish. Fucking hell, have we got Australians doing the Big Brother voice now? This country really has gone to the dogs! (Just kidding, Angela.)
So did Louise sack Jay off yet, or not? If not, when?
Christ, do we have to hear about Jem's dreams now? Spare me. She sees Aaron as a nocturnal animal in his hole! Lol. Faye and Aaron are in their honeymoon period? If I paid for that honeymoon, I'd be asking for my money back.
Louise, stop being so weak willed! Tell him he's coming on too strong.
Dammit I thought Jem was going to nominate Jay, not befriend him! Yeah, they are similar; big-headed, boneheaded oiks. I hope Jem doesn't nominate Aaron.

Big Brother 2011 - No, you have the Bounty

Can't believe I missed the reptile tongue kissing in my blog yesterday. That was unreal. Do people really kiss like that? Why? Sometimes I miss crucial things cos I'm too busy tip-tapping at my keys!

Aaron is really good at giving people the cold shoulder for ages. I'm rubbish at that! I forgive people quite easily. It's too much of an effort to blank someone.

Louise is not happy with the 'love nest' which might as well be called 'the fuck shack'. Jay has come on too strong and it might be his undoing. Farting in bed is not exactly a winner; I try to hold it in at least until the first 'I love you' has been said.

Anton 'can the public not see he's not liked in the house?' We don't really give a fuck about what you like or don't like. It's who WE LIKE, we decide.

Liked Tom and Alex's Christmas/ Celebrations chat: 'you have the Bounty.' Quite! Alex is coming off very well in this episode.

Well done to Louise for sticking up for Aaron. Anton and Jay pouring poison in her ear!

LOL to Louise not really fancying Jay! Hilarious. Serves him right. Maybe she's onto him a bit. She definitely seems to be distancing herself from the wolfpack.

Jay actually came off better in that garden discussion. Aaron is behaving like a petulant child. Jay was being quite reasonable with him, I thought.

This sister twist can only go one of two ways: either Faye and her sister will team up and busy some balls together, or Jem will drive Faye mad and send her running into the arms of Aaron. They will never be a threesome i.e. working together, I just don't see it.

I could enjoy this sister task! I think they do actually hate each other - lol. I don't want to end up feeling sorry for Faye, though.

Faye's sister has all the charm of Katie Price. I love her coming in and telling Faye off for smoking. Faye should just go 'fuck off'. She's a grown woman, she can do whatever she likes.

Love Alex and Tom trying to guess Jem's age! They were quite generous.

Aaron and Faye hiding from her sister was funny. That sister is a NIGHTMARE!

Aaron is pushing Aden hard here. That situation could go either way, too.

Look at the way Jem is sitting in the DR chair! I've never seen anyone sit in the chair quite like that - completely dominant. She gonna stir some shit up good - now we just have to see which way the wind blows.

Big Brother 2011 - You're his little bitch

One new housemate? Well excuse me if I don't die of excitement. I think we could do with another three, tbh. Anton is sitting round in his dressing gown! Wish they'd evict him like that.

Can't believe Louise and Jay are snogging first thing in the morning. Why are they always so touchy about having sex in the house? I want people who WILL have sex! They're at it like rabbits on the European versions. it's much more cosmopolitan.

Why is Louise announcing that she's snogged Jay and 'she doesn't feel bad'? Why should she feel bad! Honestly, what sort of uptight judge-others society do we live in? OMG that was HILARIOUS that they cut her soppy talk with him SHAVING HIS BUTTHOLE in the Big Brother house. Not in the toilet, but in full public view. Talk about an exhibitionist. I mean, is he likely to get rimmed in the house (not with Louise's prudish attitude towards snogging!)? And why has he got a sock on his knob, is it so his mum and dad can enjoy watching this? Honestly, it's at times like this I have to seriously consider what I'm doing with my life. Jay smells like a real man. Is that of football and beer? OMG I pity the poor camera man in that run. And then he has the audacity to say GO AWAY! He is only DOING it for the attention! Doesn't it HURT to shave your bumhole? If i get Nair in the wrong area, it hurts like fuckery. Surely a razor where the sun don't shine must be painful? I swear, it's a health and safety issue. Mario would be going garrity if he was in that house.

Faye: 'I want you to see the fun side of Faye'. Bit late, now, you dreary div.

Maisy must have been gutted about Faye doing a pre-eviction night snog in a desperate bid to stay in. Let's not forget she nominated Aaron AND didn't speak to him for a whole day.

OMG is Jay seriously clippering Aaron's hair with his ARSE RAZOR? I need a bag to be sick in. The haircut actually looked quite good, amazingly. I guess that's Jay's 'precision' practice for you.

Looks like Harry is going to regret ordering that food colouring. Jay, Aden and Anton are like an inner circle (more butt talk) of twattery. Somehow their prank seems a lot more mean-spirited than Harry's which was just a schoolboy jape.

Did Anton just swear on his mother's life it wasn't him, because it partly was. Aaron is taking it well, as usual, he looks like someone's died. LOL, Anton is stitching Jay up. Anton is a snake! Rebecca was right.

This might have saved Harry from getting put up next week. Aden is seething! He did come off a bit badly there, but it WAS his idea in the first place. Harry has got his just desserts (in a way). But it still seems meaner.

Jay, you lying knob. Banana revenge! LOL to Harry 'you're a liar, you're a fucking dickhead': he's quite bold saying that to Jay. I kind of like Harry when he's angry. It's a bit sexy when a posh person says 'fuck off' for some reason.

Why is Maisy getting booed? What has she done wrong exactly, except be nothingy and well turned out?

Jay fingering Anton! Good. Anton is wrong to swear on his mums life. I like the way Harry shouts and is then a bit sorry afterwards. It wasn't actually Anton's idea, it was Aden's idea.

Harry is disappointed with Anton! Boarding school buddies. Louise 'let's just stay out of it' - yeah, let's not have an opinion, let's just sit here and look pretty. Harry is taking down the supposed 'kids from the street'. Aden was OWNED. He went from Rebecca's little bitch to Jay's little bitch.

LOL to 'if he doesn't like ketchup why did he order 20 bottles?'

Oh God, Aaron's latest DR martyrdom sesh. What's that jumper Aaron has on? He looks like a admittedly handsome geography teacher.

Aden: 'I don't want to come across as slimy.' Harry: 'Just don't come across as a numpty.'

Jay making a little sex palace for Louise is gross. No one wants to emulate Michelle Bass. Not even Michelle Bass.

Jay's passion pit! LOL. I saw them play the Wireless Festival a while back.

Yuck, I like it better when people snog in the dark. Anton: '5 million people are watching'. Yeah, in 2005. It's barely breaking the million mark this series without the live feed.

LOL to Maisy's face when she got booed. Shocker! So Maisy got evicted. That's interesting when Faye has NO redeeming features. Plus I voted to save Maisy 6 times on FB. Louise has got that stupid fucking hat on again.

Hmm, and they're putting someone in who knows Faye? FIIIIIIIIIIX!

I'm pissed off they're putting her sister in. Actually, it would have been better if she'd left and they'd put her sister in.

Louise must be pleased Maisy's going. No more looking at her. I don't like Maisy's outfit tonight. her hair and make up look good, though.

That breakfast biscuit in the ad break is PURE EVIL. EVIL.

Maisy looked genuinely shocked at some of the nominations. Maisy you weren't a 'nice friend' to Faye, you were always rubbing it in her face that you tongued Aaron first. I'm glad Brian had a dig about that, too. I think Brian is wrong, though, Maisy made the first move on Aaron.

Anton is so 'ungenuine'. Yes, he's disingenuous.

I'm glad that Maisy is comfortable in her own skin. That should be applauded. Her voice is super bugging, though.

So for the twist. Replacement housemate roulette! I can tell this is Faye's sister because she has the same Gary Barlow's Dignitas advert accent. Oh, well, if she's going to have a go at Jay I'm all for it.

Faye's sister is 25? She looks about 40. Good camera angle at the top of the stairs there. I don't want Faye to have back up, really. Plus she's got info. Plus I don't believe her when she says she's going to shake things up, Faye's shaken nothing up, and she promised big.

Jen: 'are you angry?' Faye: 'why would I be angry?' Is it because she's stealing your thunder? I don't like Jen already! Hard faced. Booo! Put Rebeckah back in! I miss struggling to spell her name.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm going to kick the life out of every fucking banana

Bothered about Mark! He's done. Next. I seen him on BOTS and OKTV and he was acting like the imbecile he is. Fake, fake, fake. Fuck off. They should play 'I Know It's Over' over all this crying, it's jokes! His parting speech was bullshit, also.

WTF he didn't even pack his own bag? Who does he think he is, Jackie Stallone? He was there all yesterday evening.

Oh Maisy, like hell you don't think it matters about you now. The only thing you care about is you. Harry: voice of reason. COULD Harry win this? Even with the fox hunting under his belt?

Jay: a dream hero/ thug. How romantic.

Faye: 'I'm this sort of person/ I'm that sort of person.' No, you're NOT that sort of person. You'll find out what sort of person you are tomorrow... booooooo!

Why are the men always doing the shopping list (sexist)? 'You'll get what you're given': that's probably what Jay says just before you have sex with him.

Jay: 'I like a good roll about.' No kidding. Louise: 'If you're with someone you'll do anything'. Like what? What is she referring to? I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Ugh, Aden and Anton simultaneously glugging juice from the carton. Anton: 'I'm here to be the cleverest person who's ever played the game.' You're less clever than fucking Dale, who was a shaved chimp, or Bonnie, who couldn't even pronounce her own name.

What's with Harry and the bananas? Is he trying to get nominated?! He's going to get fucking lynched.

God, I hate Aden. He's just so pathetic in every way. Try hard dullard, baby, he doesn't know himself.

I actually feel nervous for Harry right now. I don't think he realises what people can be like. Especially about food. This is pure boarding school behaviour! Harry's gone all red in the face with excitement.

OMG imagine if he hadn't got the tobacco as well. There'd be a fucking murder. I've not seen so many bananas in the Big Brother house since Jedward trollydashed round Lidl.

Uh, oh Jay is unravelling. I can't STAND aggressive men. I can't stand men who throw things or hit things, because the next thing they throw or hit is YOU! Give him a warning!

Notice Anton instigating! He knows this is bad news for Harry and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. I could live on chocolate and bananas very easily. That would be a healthy improvement on my diet.

Jay is going to 'kick the life out of every fucking banana'. Are you going to tell him, or am I? Oh, he really fucked those bananas up good. Proper hard man, he is. I thought apes liked bananas?

Now Maisy is upset that they didn't get alcohol. They're going to get even more pissed if they have alcohol on empty stomachs.

Jay's getting seriously mad. Is he going to shit in the freezer again (which they never showed?) Fuck Jay, I'm really starting to hate him. Why haven't we seen him getting told off for being aggressive? Jokey non-racism is bad, but throwing things is OK?

LOL to the green butter and the blue milk. I think the food colouring was the final tyrannical touch. At least Harry can make them milkshakes. It's not even Frosties they got. It's Frosted Flakes! Own brand anger.

Jay is an aggressive cunt. I can't stand him now. I would personally be scared if someone was punching the shit out of an inanimate object in there, I don't find that acceptable at all, it's threatening. You can say 'oh he's getting his anger out' but I don't want to be anywhere near someone who can contain that much anger. No thanks. Honestly, just give him a club and a caveman outfit and be done with it.

Faye seems to think that's OK. It isn't. Louise thinks it's sexy. Yeah, it's so sexy until you end up with a broken nose or in the morgue as another statistic. Interesting she said he's making her nervous. Satiate his need! Geordie caveman cannot survive without food or fucking!

Jay's happy now he's got a beer in his hand, now. Aaron must not believe his eyes that Louise is so besotted with Jay. I'm totally perplexed by it, but my only conclusion has to be, she's thick as shit. Shame, as I like her.

Jay looks like he's wearing a dress. All that snogging and moaning under the covers is gross! This is Britain! Show some decorum. Nah, not really, go for it, why not? 'It felt natural so i'm going to do it.' says Louise. Faye: take notes.

Big Brother 2011 - Doll (de)parts

'What's meant to be is meant to be.' Almost as duff as 'it is what it is'.

Mark seems quite a tragic figure, really. So why is he really leaving? Was it that he couldn't keep up the act? Perhaps he'd run out of material. It's a shame in a way that we never got to see the 'real' him, but I have an inkling if he'd done the full stretch, we would still never have seen it. Maybe he's just as shallow as Maisy. But him walking says otherwise. Something was going on up there, but who knows what?

I guess the toy factory task is better than doing nothing. Maisy pronounced 'reject bin' as weirdly as Jeremy Kyle pronounces 'lie detector'-with the emphasis in exactly the wrong place.

On Digital Spy today someone said they wanted to 'give their TV screen a good wipe after Jay had been on it' which tickled me. It will never be clean!

The task 'twist' is quite funny. Who will twig first? Let's be honest, probably none of them. Tom's little face as he was stuffing those bears; pure determination.

Why has Jay been given a pen and paper? Besides, I thought he was illiterate. He'll probably try to eat it or fuck it.

Doll part fight! They should play Hole over that montage.

Ad break. I have NEVER watched an episode of Friends and NEVER WILL! Everyone in it is insufferable! And yes, I say that watching Big Brother. I'm bold!

Who made Jay the boss anyway? And put Aden and Anton as his henchmen? Aaron is taking his frustrations out on the dolls. Aden bossing Aaron about was pathetic. I liked Aaron just ignoring him. What's up with Aden? You don't call your workforce 'a fucking wanker' or' a prick'. I still have almost no idea what's going on, another dodgy edit tonight.

'Jack, ace, king, queen, no, no, no, no, no, no,no...' as Morrissey once sang. Followed atrociously by 'aces doing time... jack's are doing fine' by Placebo. I can't think of any more playing card related songs, can you?

Lol to Aaron's 'I think this is about the promotion' when they got called to the office for tell off times. 'Blues brothers' was also pretty funny. I like Harry more every day. Mind you, compared to that house full of tossers, I'd like pretty much anyone. The house needs a serious overhaul as all these conflicting personalities worked well at first, but have basically now run out of steam. Did Jay just say 'disobedience'? That's a long word for a very thick man.

Is Mark leaving because of 'the cameras'? I think he must be dying for a wank. I think 'end of my sell by date' is right, he's phrased it correctly. I think I would have stuck it out in the hope of the 100K. How many times in life are you going to have a one in 12 or less chance of winning that cash?

Anton will be THRILLED that Mark is leaving. I think he knows he's quite popular.

Mark: 'I don't want to be filmed no more.' Everyone: 'what are you on about?' as if that's an alien concept. I know how Mark feels when you feel like your time somewhere is done. He can't even sneak off without saying goodbye, like I do on most nights out. I'd hate everyone going on at me to stay. Once you know you've got to go, you've got to go. I felt like that on a cruise ship on the River Nile once, and called my mum who got me on a plane home the next day (she had cash in those days, ! wonder where it all went!). Sometimes, you'd just got to go. I understand completely.

Tom looked genuinely upset and Aaron did his introverted sit-in-a-corner schtick. Mark: 'it's not you, it's the cameras.' Even Jay is crying! The producers must be quite worried. If the clown leaves the party, what are you left with? It's going to be like a wake. Even when someone they hate goes they get sad.

Aw, Tom and Alex crying in the loo was so cute. Their friendship is so lush. And Aden giving Jay a cuddle! Really sweet.

What? Mark 'can't not be the centre of attention'?! That really is sad. It's nice that everyone is so upset and loves him so much. He has to leave now just to save face! I get the feeling once he makes up his mind, that's it.

Wow, emotions are running high in that house! I hope Mark gets what he wants, whatever it is. And I hope we get what we want: new housemates (and live feed *said in very fast voice to indicate small print*)

Big Brother 2011 - Discrimination station nominations!

I've managed to avoid the nomination results, somehow (well, easily, because no one's watching it). Hate seems quite evenly spread so who knows who would be up this week.

LOL to Mark getting sick of his own act. if he's sick of it, how does he think we feel? Note, anyone self proclaimed 'odd/ weird/ crazy' is normally the most boring motherfucker on the planet. The maddest person I know thinks she's perfectly normal. And she has Fred and Rose tattooed on her toes (she doesn't watch BB so I should get away with this - besides, she's lush).

This Guillemots song has been going through my head all day, and I want to dedicate it to Faye:

'And to those of you who moan your lives through one day to the next, well let them take you next/ can't you live and be thankful you're here, cos it could be you tomorrow next year..' Listen and learn from Fyfe Dangerfield, young lady.

Wow, that was interesting seeing Jay let rip at Aaron (well, behind his back). He's right about Aaron, though. Why is Mark talking through his fingers? Oh, for God's sake, Aaron, Jay didn't mean anything by it. People say fucking stupid things sometimes, but you can normally seperate the race hate from the boneheadedness, unless you DELIBERATELY don't want to. Not that I'm suggesting that (much!) I'm starting to think Faye and Aaron deserve each other, it's like one giant sulking competition. Which Aaron is winning.

Mark, people can still tell you're talking, and people can still hear you. Stop attention seeking. Aaron, you can only win this thing if you get a grip and pull yourself together, you're being a complete freakshow. Remember when he came in the house, all cock of the walk? Look at him now - he's gibbering.

How come they aren't confined to a smoking area this year? Mega bad buzz in the house today. Aaron is going to be SO up for nomination today. 'I can't even LOOK at them at the moment.' It's not the first time I've heard him come out with that melodramatic claptrap. Fucking hell, Aaron, at my writing group alone we've got black people, foreign people (I know, it's London, mad innit), people in wheelchairs, drunks, nutters, psychopaths. If I took offence on behalf of all that lot every day I'd be hospitalised. I hear more offensive things than that in my mother's living room.

Glad Harry nominated Faye. Kick her aht! All female nominations. I guess Harry's not used to being around women.

Fucking hell man, my cat Towie keeps switching my lamp off and on and he's driving me NUTS! Let me enjoy these nominations! Why is Maisy putting talc in her hair. I like her hair. Maybe I should try it.

Aden, you immature little boy. You got a LOT to learn! Yay, Faye's racking up a few votes. LOL she nominated Aaron. Hilarious. 'I really like you' - not much. Faye vs Aaron eviction? I'd pay to see it.

Yay more votes for Faye for her drink dramas. Get her up. Interested Jay didn't nominate Aaron but nominated Mark for 'licking crotch'. Pecking order nominations!

Louise nominates Maisy again for 'watching her'. Yes, more Faye noms! I thought they all loved Faye! They don't, they're just appeasing her grumpy old guts and now it's time to take revenge.

[Aaron going on about] this joke isn't funny anymore! Tom and Alex are flying RIGHT under that radar this week.

Faye overthinks things? Never. LOL Faye's almost got a full house this week. I'm thrilled. I think it will do Faye good to come out and 'know herself' and how she comes across to others.

Anton nominated Maisy? I guess that birthday kiss never happened then. Shocker!

Faye and Maisy up! Wish it wasn't two girls, to be honest. And will Faye even go over Maisy? Maisy is quite odious and completely shallow. I mean, what have we learnt about her in the past few weeks? Fuck all. And the worst part is, they'll ship new women houseguests in, but not men! We need some new male blood, badly!

I like the way Harry and Aaron amuse themselves with Alex, it's quite sweet and reminds me of having older brothers. I don't think for one minute think Alex thinks Willy Wonka is real. She's having them on as much as they're having her on.

Louise: 'I think non-stop, me.' Jay: 'do you normally have one person for cuddles and that?' Is that like a fuck buddy? I can see a solution to this problem. Cuddle each other! Louise: 'do you put mats down when you have a brew?' I love that this is her gold standard of someone with a posh house. Super cute.

Oh, god when Faye and Maisy find out they're up they're going to be even more horrendous than normal. How did Aaron dodge that bullet? Even he's shocked! Aaron, this isn't about you right now. Oh I forgot. Everything is about you, always.

Mark is like a little moping monkey in that bath. Why is Aaron shaking his head? Shouldn't he say 'are you OK?' to Faye?

'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go!' Hilarious, that's a proper BBUSA-ism.

DID Aaron nominate Faye and Maisy? No. He nominated Jay and Anton! Aaron sooo doesn't like it when Tom stands up to him. Why can't everyone just toe the line and run around after him like Mark does, hey?

How does ANTON dodge that bullet every week, too? He's the biggest knob on the planet, the biggest cunt to have EVER walked through those doors, worse than Mario (health and safety, not mole), Vinnie Jones, Sam Pepper, Alex *pow pow pow*, Marco, Anthony Hutton, Charley, Sezar and Tina Malone combined.

I hope Faye goes this week, and I hope she realises that it's not Aaron's fault, it's hers. Yes you snogged someone, so you're a 'hussy'. Who even uses the word 'hussy'? I'm a feminist and I'd rather be called a slag, at least it's honest. But you're not a slag for kissing someone, ffs. In fact, on Channel 5 you're barely a slag if you participate in a spitroast. Just do it with a fucking smile on your face and we won't even mind.

Big Brother 2011 - Unhappy meal

Hello! I'm back from Amsterdam in one piece and won't be going anywhere again for a while, except bed or work.

I quite enjoyed catching up on BB, there were a few funny highlights. Can't believe I missed my chance to use the title 'Heaven sent (home); I'd been sitting on that one for a while. And BOTS played 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' so good on to them. I enjoyed her fall up the stairs, too.

What else? Faye: should have 'what do people think?' tattooed on her forehead. Louise and Jay: stupidly cute. Louise: 'It was so intelligent the way he phrased things with those sweets with love hearts on'. Yes, Louise, we call them Lovehearts. Also, it's not like you can be THAT creative with Lovehearts. You can't say 'howay, give us a fuck, lass' with them, can you (I'm sure he tried)? If Louise is that easily pleased with a packet of sweets, god knows how she'd react to say, a meal or a holiday.

Anton's birthday: Anton got the Dustin edit (in BBUSA Dustin was made 'king of the house' and then became evicted the same week because the power went to his head and he was insufferable and smug). Are BB trying to do the same to Anton (King Cunt-ute)? Wouldn't have to try too hard, really. Prick is as prick does, after all. I'm hoping people will remember his mean-spiritedness and egotism when they sit in the DR on nom-noms day. The trick they played on him with the single was like Rodrigo meets the Queen minus the charm. I don't think he really bought it; but it's not due to his astronomical IQ. It's due to his shit song. I heard Aden thinks Anton's raps lack finesse.

God, it would be brilliant to go out with Faye, wouldn't it, and have her listing all your faults so early in the morning. She's like some girlfriend your best male friend brings round and says how wonderful she is, whilst she sits there sulking and criticising your wallpaper/ music taste/ sexual boundaries. And believe me, your friend will end up married to that miserable sow. I've seen it happen! And even after 20 years of low level mental abuse and soul erosion, he'll still be trying to convince you (and himself!) that she's got a good sense of humour, or she makes a mean roast dinner. But you've been for her roast dinner. And the chicken was all shrivelled. And she's still criticising him and everything he stands for, as they clear up after their surly, sour-faced kids who look and act and treat him just like her.

So Aaron was married before! I never knew that. I like Aaron. I like his pincers and his faux naivety. I like his tolerance of Faye pick-pick-picking at him. He's emotionally manipulative, but he does it in such a way, you can't really call him out on it or he'll just go 'my son is watching!' and run off for a cry.

This hotdog stuff is quite boring, I wish I'd been writing my blog yesterday instead! I had loads of material, honest.

Aaron virtually telling Harry to nominate Tom and Anton was unsubtle. Oh, Maisy, you liar, you made the move on Aaron. Behave, as your dad saw fit to aeroplane over (allegedly).

I'm not surprised at ALL that Faye likes to be dominated in the bedroom, I bet she just lies there, criticising and complaining. I don't think there's ever been a housemate in Big Brother history who promised so much and delivered so little.

Why is Faye cuddling Anton? A bit of context might be nice. LOL to Jay getting into trouble for racism. He's not having a great day, is he? I'm still waiting for Maisy to have her 'yo, my niggas' moment. Give it time.

This coded conversation is brilliant. Aaron's horror! This film 'White Chicks' sounds like a must-not see. Yet that sort of racism gets made into films! And idiots watch it. Just like Big Brother.

Faye is talking to herself now! What is going on? What is up with Aaron? Is he upset about all the racists in the house? Oh come on, Aaron, it's hardly Romper Stomper, isn't it? Oh, it's the disabled comments he's upset about. No it isn't! It's Faye cuddling Anton, isn't it? Probably doesn't help that he's black, either.

Bad edit, tonight, BB. Should have had less hamburger eating and a bit more context of that row, as I couldn't make head nor tail of it. And remember in the final, a vote for Jay is a vote for WHITE POWER! You racist.