The X Factor: RIP Bellamy

Bon Jovi! Bad medicine is what I need. My mum will be enjoying this. Let's take bets on if John's hair is real or not. I think it's about as real as Brian Molko's. In fact their band logo looks a bit like the Placebo wings.
I'm trying to think of something more embarrassing that this but can't.
Richie Sambora/ Johnny Marr- I can't tell them apart.
Has Richie Sambora got a Halloween mask on? WTF has he pumped into his face! JBJ still looks good for his age, though. I used to LURVE him when I was 11.
Ugh, the return of the space cowboy. Just what nobody wanted. My favourite all time Jamiroqui moment was when he got headbutted by that photographer. Happy days. He's like the bastard son of Aphex Twin and the Cat in the Hat. Just fuck off. I mean, who likes this kind of music? If you find a fan of his do them a favour and break their neck gently in their sleep.
'I've had reservations about coming on the show'- what a cocky arsehole. It's not like you have any credibility to lose. He's not fit to do backing dancing for Cheryl Cole.
Rihanna. Couldn't be arsed to go to her 'best friend's' wedding, but time to mime on the X Factor. I hope I can one day have a friendship that strong.
Rihanna's got all shit dancey beats all over her songs like Katy Perry now. Actually she's not miming. I can't tell you how I noticed that.
She does look good though. I like her look generally, she's all mismatched. I'm not even gonna comment on that 'food fight'.
Boo- don't want Katie in the bottom two- want it to be Treyc! What is Katie wearing? Will she ever sort her hair out? You decide.
Belle Amie should go on the basis of how they sung last night, they were DIRE.
Oh an advert for a Bon Jovi gig. What a coincidence!
That blonde one in Belle Amie looks like their mum. I like the red haired one. This chorus is screechy. Can we get rid of them now?
Katie's singing was ten billion times better than Belle Amie's. End of story.
Deadlock! Let's see if Belle Amie are less popular than Katie. YES! LOL. Katie was better!
DEADLOCK FTW.

The Axe Factor - Haunted by you

I'm meant to be at a Halloween party dressed as half of Jedward tonight but I'm still not fully well. So someone else is being John. Or Edward. I'm as interchangeable as they are. Mind you, at the same party last year I drank two bottles of cheap champagne and hurled in the bath, so maybe it's for the best.
I can't really be arsed with Halloween. What's the point? You don't get presents or a day off. I like my holidays self-indulgent.
Liking Simon's fangs! Sexy times. Why aren't Cheryl and Dannii done up goth-style?
Mary has borrowed Alfie's moon for the night. Could it be magic? No.
Aiden 2nd! What is there to look forward to after that? Ooh the guyliner. The clock going backwards. He's not looking up today. I think he's compelling every time he's on that stage. Kept expecting the dancers to move though!
Now Aiden knows how it feels when MEN go 'smile love!' patronisingly to women on the street. Sucks, doesn't it.
Belle Amie sound badly out of tune tonight. Woo! This song isn't spooky. WTF is Simon on?! They were completely out of tune.
Rebecca is doing Chris Isaacs. How is this scary? Is it cos it has the word 'wicked' in it? Should have done Jungle is Massive instead. I like her lipstick. Oh the old 'world class' comment.
Treyc. Take That again- so I guess she can't blame the song if she goes out. I'm not sure if I hate could it be magic more than relight my fire. Don't talk back to Dannii, minion.
Matt is doing Bleeding Love. I've got an indie cover of it, I can't remember who it's by, though. He sounds like he's spluttering all over that mic. Perhaps he's adding in a bit of beatbox. Dannii is being quite fiesty tonight.
Louis still can't get Wagner's name right. This is the song the judges come onto at the start! What's it going to turn into? Bat out of hell! Lawks. Don't save us from those flames.
Paige! I just don't like his voice. I actually like Back to Black but he didn't do it justice whatsoever. I see Dannii is modelling herself on Dr Foster from Lie to Me in the VT clips this week. Well done if you got this reference at home (as Richard would say on Pointless).
The Daily Mail interviewed Katie's mum this week and titled the article something like 'Why does everyone hate Katie Weasel?' NICE! Honestly, as if going through Cherie Blair's bins wasn't enough.
Well Katie looks good but I have no idea what this song is. Woo! Her beehive has got it's own co-ordinates this week. I like her make-up, it's cool. I've always liked her. Being obnoxious and different isn't a bad thing.
Being One Direction is. TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES. Wow, this song is a tune. Their make up is a bit duff but I fancy some red mascara. Liking the drum machine. This is actually ace. That shouldn't have worked... but it did. The dark-haired one is a fittie.
OMFG I am psychic! I guessed Cher was going to do this song! I used to have this on tape. How did I guess that?! It must have been the moon in the video. My boyfriend is totally unimpressed I just guessed this out of about a trillion songs.
She sounds a little shaky but not too bad. I think she's proved her mettle. Cher's gone Kate Bush. I like her eyeshadow and her goth nightie, it's cute. She's gone for the full Tim Burton this week. Used to love this song so much. The rest of the album was duff, though.
Simon, it's not a 'season', it's a 'series', dear. That was NOT better than Aiden. Sowwee.
Belle Amie or Wagner to go tomorrow. Right; I'm off on my broomstick.

The Apprentice: Karmically, they will be retributed

Yes, I am still watching, but barely. It's funny how this show is 'must see' TV for so many, it's more like musty TV to me. Did I really just start my blog like that?! God help us.
Some interesting products for them to sell this week; mostly a variety of torture equipment (who would buy something to stop you slouching, except in some Victorian horror movie?) Also, a babygro that changes colour to tell you when your baby is dying. Marvellous.
Does that Baggs guy really speak like that? He puts the 'o' into odious.
That blonde girl with the glasses is so annoying. She talks like a teenage girl at a bus stop. I'm half expecting her to start kissing her teeth and threatening to put a cap in Lord Sugar's ass.
I kind of wanted team Knobjockey to say 'I'll just demonstrate the babyglow by sticking this baby in the oven'.
That woman in the baby shop was a CUNT! 'I'll just have to stop you there...' I'd like to stop you there with a fist in your gob. I can't stand people who speak like that. What is wrong with people? What planet are people on!
Why is everyone putting so much make up on in the back of those cars? They're trowelling it on!
Shopkeeper: 'it's very masculeene!' That's how gay people say 'masculine'. That Paloma gets on my wick a bit. I can't believe they're having a row on his doorstep when they're trying to sell him something.
I like Jamie. I didn't even realise he was team leader because he wasn't bellowing at everyone like a twat. He has got some animal analogies, though. 'Two birds with one stone... horse had bolted...' Better hope he doesn't end up dead as a dodo.
Wow they all did really well this week! So are they still going to get a bollocking? Is Alan going to send Vicky Pollard packing?
What is a cashastrophe? Jamie is becoming a stuttering mess.
Whoever fucked up with the showerheads should go, in my opinion.
A one-word sentence is just a word, really. Honestly all I do during The Apprentice is spot cliches, correct grammar and pray for the ending! 'Walking on eggshells, fireworks, machine guns.' I fucking wish!
Is that guy really 21? Fuck me. He looks 40.
Aw, I'm sad he fired Rude Girl. 'Ganging up on me.. horrible people.' oh god, don't play the damsel in distress card, not after all that attitude. BRRRRRRAP!

The X Factor: aint no black in the union jack

Hi how are you? I'm still ill and miserable. And I don't think this is going to help.
Group song! 'He's an Xbox and I'm more Atari?' WTF is this song. I'm so out of touch. Yet I'm so glad to be out of touch.
Buble! Morrissey's not a fan. I'm not a fan of the music, but he comes across well in interviews. I don't think he takes it very seriously. I'm still fast forwarding this section.
I watched the Piers and Cheryl interview today. She seemed miserable as sin, but I guess she's had a bad year. Still, there's just something very sour about her generally. I did feel a bit sorry for her though, which I guess was the required emotional reaction.
So is she miming? Unless she's been gargling anti-freeze I'd say so. That robot voice don't come natural. Looks like she forgot to put her trousers on. She should have forgotten the jacket too, it's gross. This song doesn't have a tune. Her legs look cute, though.
Dermot: 'even Louis was having a little look'. What CAN he mean?
Now for the results. Aiden and Wagner through; cool. And Katie! Interesting. Glad Belle Amie weren't in the bottom as well.
An all-black bottom three! Well, what do you know. I wasn't expecting that result.
It's time for John to go. He doesn't interest me and Treyc is clearly the better singer. Still, he seems like a nice guy. But who wants a nice guy in the competition? I want trembling, theatrics, bad rapping. Plus he's got another bad suit on.
He sounds off singing this Kelly Clarkson song. It's like he's drunk at the karaoke.
It's clear no matter how well Treyc sings, people just can't warm to her. So I'd rethink the 'rock chick' thing, Cheryl.
OMG what the hell is this Treyc is singing? Awful. She should stay in, but only just.
Bye John. He took it well. Enjoy watching Wagner pant his way through more silly songs. I know I will.
Note to Dannii: I'm giving you one more week to sort out your dishwater hair or the baby gets it.

The X Factor: These are the things I could do without

Soz I didn't blog The Apprentice this week, I was a bit ill. Thought it was a bit duff anyway- the tasks are less imaginative than Big Brother.
Hopefully this blog won't disappear into cyberspace like X Factor blogs past.
My boyfriend has skulked off to bed because he doesn't want to watch it. I predict he'll be back within 20 mins. Time starts now.
I declare all songs tonight should have a Harry Hill style ending. Coffee and TV!
Paije on first. Oh Paige. Why are you still there when Diva Fever and Nicolo aren't? Damn that wild card. Having said that, this is the best song Paije has done. Having said THAT, that's not saying much. He looks like he picked up his outfit at the local jumble sale. He's spent two quid, but it was 50p to get in.
Oh yeah, his nan died, didn't she? Can I get a sympathy vote?
Oh, now John. Great they're getting all the exciting acts out the way first. His hair looks cool, but lawks, the dry ice? That jacket is rough, too. This song blows.
Ey up, what are those dancers doing? Oh my boyfriend just emerged. He's not happy! Clearly not a John fan. I don't think he's missed enough to truly enjoy the rest.
Louis is such a hateful little cunt, isn't he? Horrible little man. Mind you, Cheryl and Dannii are both cold, too. It's just an all-round arsefest. At least Cheryl looks good. I like the sugar pink.
Is Rebecca wearing a Cheryl wig? That dress is peculiar, like she's got a ledge in it. Red hair, red lips, pink dress, it's all a bit much. I'd lose the lipstick at least. What is this song? I wish people would do some songs I know.
Boyfriend is sulking. He just said, 'is it drudgery week?'
Ooh, Simon taking a pop at Elton John. Put your handbags down, ladies.
My boyfriend's verdict on Cher: 'she looks like a cunt.' I think she looks like Tina from Corrie, but with massive eyes. Like a bug version.
Danni's looks like she's come as Dr. Foster from Lie to Me tonight. I'm rather obsessed with Lie to Me right now. It's the new Medium.
I wish Cher was doing Then Jerico instead of Tears for Fears. Is it another mash up? Is she in fancy dress? I think the make-up artist has got a bit excited tonight, like they've been given access to some colours they've never seen before. As usual Cher's a din, but it's a lot more interesting than Paije or John.
Matt. The man. The hat. The legend. Card-ell, Dermot? Card-AL. It's like Paul Burrell all over again. Britney! Don't do a Darius, dude. Oh no, Darius actually made this fun and exciting. This is just 98% dirge. Ah, Darius. Darius Danesh. Darius Campbell. Either way, he's a dreamboat. Matt is not. I think Simon's idea of 'incredible' and 'genius' are different to mine; ie. mental.
OMG Dermot just dissed Darius. FU Dermot.
Boyfriend thinks this band is called 'One true direction'. Nearly. He's cheered up a bit now. I think he's looking forward to Wagner, and he's trying to guess what Aiden might sing. This means he's into it.
One Direction are like the Slick man, they always deliver. What song is this?! I do fancy one of them, the one with the long eyelashes and the black hair. Don't tell anyone. Urgh that foetus one just winked.
Louis: 'it's like five Justin Beiber's'. Don't have nightmares!
They've mentioned Topshop about 12 million times tonight. TOPSHOP. Send me a cardie.
Treyc. I don't think anyone was screaming for her at Topshop. Well, unless she left a tag on something.
Why have they done her up like Brandon Flowers? This song is awful. She's murdering it. Do you think that guitar's plugged in?
I wish they'd STFU about Elton. He's NOT WATCHING. He's ordering David Furnish around his gigantic mansion.
You can't just 'become' a rock chick, Cheryl. It's not like Courtney Love was a choir girl and then stuck on some red lipstick and started growling.
Mary's out of ideas already. Zzzz. She should do Common People. 'I took her to the supermarket..' I'd like to see her in the bottom three tomorrow, give her a jolt.
Aiden. Oh, Aiden. Is he doing Diamonds are Forever? I only know that because I've got the Arctic Monkeys doing it at Glastonbury on my Itunes.
I like it when he goes all trembly and cross-eyed. His hair looks fucking cool. Move over R-Pattz, there's a new kid in town.
Louis likes Shirley Bassey. In other news, Simon's hair is flat.
You could tell Aiden didn't agree with what Cheryl said. Don't invoke the name of Kanye, Chezza. He's no role model.
Ooh, Dannii did nick the idea from the Arctic Monkeys. At least she admitted it.
I like this song than Belle Amie are doing. I thought their voices sounded quite good, actually. I like their blue mascara, too. Dannii is slagging their styling, but she's wearing the same thing.
Dermot clearly hates Louis! I love it.
Oh my fucking GOD LOUIS HIS NAME IS PRONOUNCED VAGNER, NOT WAGNER. And he says Simon doesn't care about his acts. If I was Wagner, I'd just call Louis Lewis from now on until he gets it.
I was singing Spice Up Your Life in the bath the other day. It is in the top five Spice Girl songs, I'd say. He's completely out of time as usual. Medley! He's shaking! Living la vida loca is obviously a tune as well. it wasn't exactly seamlessly blended in.
Wagner looks under pressure. I think I could sing better than this. Wagner hates the Spice Girls! He is Louis's puppet.
It said in Heat that Katie had her own American reality series! Sweet. I hate the Jungle Book. My boyfriend just said: 'I feel isolated from society at times like this.' Oh, I thought we'd progressed!
Do you think it would be humanly possible to get a comb through Katie's hair? I say no. I don't get the 50s jungle book thing. Her and Wagner in the bottom two, I reckon. Wow, I can't believe she's getting such good comments. The only way that would have worked is to have gone all drum n bass in the middle.
It's OVER. Now what? I'm not allowed to watch Xtra Factor. Gonna get locked back in my cupboard without any dins. If I'm not out by tomorrow, send food parcels.

The X Factor: The Death of Diva Fever

So again last night I spent two hours of my life (as I was getting ready to go out, no less) writing a few hundred words (of complete shit, admittedly) and BLOGGER went 'oops, we can't process that request'. WTF? Is it just X Factor blogs? Is it my netbook? Am I cursed? Are my blogs getting so bad they need to be vetoed before they even hit the page? Either way, Blogger, you're a cunt.
So, this is Sunday's blog, not Saturdays as advertised.
So, brief thoughts from last night: Cheryl looked great. Storm was on first (death box) and sang flat but thanks to the judges being deaf from all the crowd noise they failed to notice. Treyc has got a good voice, yet she gets on my nerves. She's got this Myleene Klass smug thing about her where you just want to slap her, but can't put your finger on the reason why. Yet when I hear her accent I like her a bit more. Dermot night: 'that was amazing.' Treyc: 'I know.' Enough said.
The others in brief: Cher: puppety. There in something inherently hateful about her, but I still kind of like her. Katie: mouse ears. Wagner: very classy the way he replied to that question about Mary. Rebecca: much better, looked stunning and I liked her song. One Direction! Let's hope it's home. Mary: good song, and good singer, but she's not for me. John: who? Diva Fever did a song with virtually no lyrics, which is a good move. They should have done Wham! Matt: gives me the creeps and looks like he's shitting himself when he sings.
I didn't like them being nasty to Aiden! Admittedly he was singing a song 'everybody knows' that we'd never heard of, but I like his spazz attacks and flat bits. That's what makes a real singer, not a fucking Joe Mcelderry.
I think Simon Cowell was on the over-excitable pills last night as he called Rebecca 'genius' and One Direction the best band in Britain right now. What, better than the Kaiser Chiefs?
Also what was with the 'heroes' theme?! I had never heard of half those songs, or people.
RESULTS show! Ironically, my hair looks exactly like Katie's today. But with zero effort!
Medley! I thought that Lady Gaga song was quite good actually, they did quite a good job! Shit I've never thought that about one of those bits- ever!
I have never heard a Diane Vickers song. I don't think I live on the same universe as everyone else. Ugh this song sounds horrible! It doesn't have a tune. It just sounds like someone's got Karen O stuck under the lawnmower. It felt like watching a kid play at being a popstar. And I hate to say it, because she's beautiful, but she was pushing it having that much of those legs out.
OMG Katie Perry is off! Maybe some starts should mime after all. Why do all her songs have this really dreadful 90s trace sound behind them? She is almost proudly rubbish. The thought of Morrissey having to pander to this dullard makes me want to punch Russell Brand in the face, and I love Russell Brand.
'Boom boom boom even brighter than the moon...' just get me the fucking gun, now.
Glad to see Katie straight through. How are all Louis's act surviving?!
Diva Fever, Storm and Belle Amie in the bottom three. Storm looks livid! Put that old dog down. Storm; face it, NO ONE LIKES YOU. What a 'trier' essentially means, 'what a failure'.
Wow Diva Fever went down fighting! That was the most gloriously gay thing I've ever seen! I love I Will Survive! Wow, that was amazing.
Belle Amie look like they're being dragged out to face the firing squad. Put on a brave face; the show must go on.
Aw can't believe Diva Fever went out in a clean SWEEP! Cruel! Just as I realised I think I fancied one of them. Odd, I know.
Yet still we have to suffer through John, One Direction... funny old world.

Review: Harry Hill! TV Burp recording at BBC Television Centre

Last night I went to a recording of Harry Hill’s amazing TV Burp. I was a bit worried it would ‘ruin the magic’ but if anything, I was even more impressed with him.
We were kept waiting a fair old while; we started queuing about an hour before the doors opened at 5.45 and we didn’t get into the studio until 7.10. They did give us free beer in the foyer though- blergh. The BBC building is like some relic from the 60s, it’s so weird, it’s like an old school or something.
The set looked really good in ‘the flesh’ not disappointing at all. The warm-up man left a bit to be desired (as always)- it was end of the pier stuff with him laughing uproariously at his own jokes. Mind you, have you EVER seen a good warm up man at a TV recording? I have not.
Harry came out ‘in character’ and had some lols with the crowd. The show is filmed ‘as live’ but about 20 minutes longer so you watch all the clips and everything just like you would at home. It’s all set up so you can see really well- it’s the same studio where I saw Jonathan Ross and Ponderland, I think.
*Warning- some of this section might ruin Saturday night’s show for you*
It was a really funny show. I really liked the stuff about The Cube or ‘the rectangular cuboid’ (!) and Christine Bleakley even put in an appearance. My god, she’s like a giant! She looked ten foot tall. The chimp thing was hilarious and the African guy with the mad eyes was good. They had to reshoot the ‘FIGHT’ bit three times! There’s a really funny bit with Alan Sugar that they had to reshoot, too.
It was weird seeing clips of Eastenders that even we hadn’t seen yet. Eastenders are blatantly trying to get on Harry Hill at the moment- remember when they wouldn’t even give him clips from the show and he had to do court drawings?! How times have changed.
There were untold other funny things; his pronunciation of ‘Calypso’, the silly song he did about people he went to school with (which he did in one take- impressive when you see it), X Factor, and that ridiculous Eddie Stobart show. We didn’t get to see the knitted character in person but I have a knitted character at home, so that’s OK.
It was weird seeing what he does whilst the clips are on, he’s kind of gurning and twitching, he doesn’t come out of the zone for a minute.
One bit that was a bit weird was that the song at the end where he has a guest on was NOT live! It had already been filmed and they just showed it on a screen! So that didn’t feel right.
The strangest bit was at the end where they had to do some ‘redos’ as we used to call them at the plastic surgeons. They brought out the script for him and he sat there listening to headphones and marking it up for about 15 minutes. I thought it was weird he didn’t do that bit off-stage, as it didn’t feel right seeing him all serious like that after everything.
To make us laugh at bits we’d already laughed at before, he told new jokes just before he shot them, there was one about his Tamogotchi getting raped and another about his granddad being mad for heroin! Not the sort of thing you get at teatime on ITV. So it was nice to see those off the cuff bits- he sang a bit of Moz, too. He also joked about You’ve Been Framed and called it ‘money for old rope’. Quite!
We snuck off a tiny bit before the end because we were starving and it was all stuff we’d seen, so we were a bit naughty. Rebels!
All in all, it was a fantastic night, and I’ll be interested to see what they cut out and what they leave in. I’d definitely recommend going to TV shows as a free night out- you just have to queue up early, as I learnt long ago. I never did get to see Most Haunted Live (thankfully).

The Apprentice: There was literally two heads on me

'I'm sure you'll agree our thoughts our with him' says Alan of the contestant who had to leave because his brother got blown up in Afghanistan. Silence. They're probably busy hoping there won't be an eviction- sorry, sacking- this week.
Now, lets see how Sure for Men and Lynx Africa do this week.
Beach product ideas: a long hand that applies suncream! A towel with a compartment in! How about sand-proof shoes? The blonde team leader Stella is a bit sour and as red as her lipstick.
I wish I could pull faces like the girls are at my team meetings when other people spoke.
What is the purpose of the little dots on to of the u's in Cuuli? NOTHING.
The other team can't think of an idea. Their team leader Laura is quite strange looking- she's like a Russian assassin. Karren (the new Margaret) looks worn out. She's either got a mega hangover, or she's forgotten her Touch D'Eclat. They came up with a book stand for the beach. Hmm.
LOL to the blokes trying to get their team leader to model a bikini. OMG she's going to go MAD. They've bought her a 'classy' bikini even after she said no. Watching blokes shop for girls makes me weep a little.
OMG she agreed to do it! Is she mad? No, just vain.
I actually like the Cuuli! I always want a pillow when I'm sunbathing (in the park, not on the beach, admittedly).
I like Jamie! Is he gay? I thought he was a wide-boy last week but that champagne comment was quite camp.
Honestly, the way Stella speaks to people is DRAINING.
Note to contestants: 'I can sell ice to the Eskimos' is not only cliched, but racist.
'As a project manager, I should have right of speech'. You don't even have right of a basic grasp of English!
How did they guess her size for that bikini anyway? She doesn't look very sexy on that picture. She looks like a less-happy corpse.
It doesn't look comfortable to sit reading the book on that stand. Plus your suntan would get messed up.
Honestly, this Cuuli presentation blows. I could do better than that.
What's the black girl Joanna's problem? She should be on Big Brother, not The Apprentice. Check out her earrings! The girl's are getting on brilliantly, I must say.
What is 'comfortability'? It sounds like Roseability by Idlewild.
Boardroom! Kick out anyone who doesn't have brilliant blue eyes, I say. Go Hitler on them, Lord Sugar-tits.
The treat is to go to a golf club! Woo hoo. Can women even get in? That's not so much a treat as a threat.
Alan dismissing the laydeez for fighting. I'm surprised he doesn't get Karren and Nick raising their handbags ala Vic and Bob.
Karren: 'you're representing business women, one of which I am.' That's not ENGLISH. You're representing illiteracy.
Joy, your shirt doesn't fit, dude. Next time, instead of 'oh, man' try saying thanks for the opportunity.
OMG neither of them even gave her a cuddle goodbye. Heartless.
Whose responsible? You fucking are. Doesn't Lord Sugar own The Holy Bible?

Josie & John James: What happened next?

Why is this show on Five? The plot thickens.
Their flat looks like a hotel. Who's paying for that fucker? FIVE, methinks. That flat is horrible, I can't stand those riverside blocks. Look at the Thames! Witness the slurry. Beautiful.
Look at those curtains! That flat is sooooo bland. That's a flat to take an overdose in.
I would go MAD if Josie drew a moustache on Morrissey.
Good to see the crab eyes shifting around on the goggle box again. John James and Josie's fans look BRILLIANT. Imagine having to be nice to those people!
LOL Josie's doing a fitness video! All those things she said she'd never do. I wonder how it feels to sell out. I wonder what Rachael think of it all. And what if those 15 minutes of fame last longer, and those photo opportunities just become your life? Sad really. She must miss that farm.
Nice to see John in his rightful place, by the rock pool.
I wonder why people have criticised you about the magazine deals; because of the fuss YOU TWO BOTH MADE ABOUT THEM! DUR. Yeah, probably anyone would take the money. BUT they'd admit it beforehand!
Why SHOULD Josie lose weight anyway? For him? For us? For money? Either way it sucks.
I like her sunglasses. I agree people are born athletic or lazy. Fit people don't understand that.
Are they watching bullfighting? Delightful.
Obviously no one wants Josie hanging round those nightclubs. Especially not those rabid laydeez.
What's Josie going to call her perfume? Eau de Crab? Showmance?
What kind of nightclubs have 'PA's anyway? It looks like a special kind of hell.
Wow, why ARE all their fans so ugly? Like proper mongs. Yeah, thanks for your life story, loser. Imagine if Josie was your IDOL?! It's CREEPY! I want to see someone with a John James & Josie tattoo.
Deck-gate! John complaining about his soulless PAs. It's better than working on a building site, innit.
John's looking for his fan mail. Perhaps it's fallen down the back of the sofa.
Nice- I liked Josie dropping in the cost of the decks. I'd so do that.
I wonder what sort of tunes he's going to spin?
I feel like I'm a part of this relationship and I don't want to be. I hope this show finishes soon. It's been a few MONTHS since she's seen her sisters? WTF.
God, if I had to get to know that many family members I'd curl up and die inside. I'd run for my life.
Why is John James not spinning the decks at this lame party? Maybe they're already rotting on a shelf at the back of Cash Converters in Acton. This is the worst party on the planet! And then Shabby turns up.
Narrated by Tracy-Ann Oberman! LOL.
I feel empty inside.

The X Factor: Just Dance (off)

Not sure I'm going to get much blog mileage out of this results show but I'll give it a bash. I predict the show will be 10% content, 90% padding. My blog will mirror this exactly.
Hope Nicolo survives this week anyway. I think he got a bit shafted.
Oh god, I hate the bits where they all sing, it's so cheesy. It works on American Idol but not here.
Isn't it past One Direction's bedtime? There's too many contestants, I can't work out who's who. We need to do some serious culling. Oh god, they're even flogging the group song, how tragic.
I don't like Dannii's dishwater hair colour. She looks rubbish. UGH Usher. The only good thing he's ever done is The Faculty. I genuinely couldn't name a song of his. I can't even slag off his performance because for health and safety reasons I was forced to fast-forward through it. I mean, do we really need a black Justin Timberlake? The white one is odious enough. Eww, look at Usher's facial fuzz.
God, I've heard people say 'there's something about Mary' about FIFTEEN BILLION TIMES already. STOP IT.
Wow, Joe McElderry! Has he got his teeth fixed yet? Even gay he manages to be utterly bland. I don't believe he's ever had a cock in his mouth. Mind you, I suppose there is a vacant slot for a new Stephen Gately (RIP).
Is he MIMING?! Fack me. God it's like Ray Quinn resurrected. This song is kinda catchy though, LOL!
Aww cute when Dermot picked him up. LIVING THE DREAM. Yes. My boyfriend had a dream last night he shoved his long-deceased cat into a thermos flask because it was talking to him, so living that dream isn't always so desirable. THINK ON MCELDERRY.
RESULTS! Already? That actually felt like a manageable amount of flim flam.
NOOOOO I don't want Katie or Nicolo to go! Sad face.
As I predicted. Nicolo got shafted. He looks handsome tonight. He looks shocked. I think he's got a good voice, people just don't like him. I guess he doesn't help himself with that attitude.
OMG FYD are shit! Please send them home, not Katie. She can really sing. They look like they've got their school uniform on. Go home, Penfold. Wow they are spectacularly ugly for a boyband.
Katie's nails look nice. Don't let her down... please don't stop the music... what can they be trying to say!?
Dermot looks like he really cares, doesn't he? He does a good job.
Yay, so glad Katie survived. She's more interesting than FYD and their scarves. Oh yeah, they opened the show yesterday! Well, they clearly weren't valued then. They got the death box!
Now let's just sit for a minute and contemplate that Wagner got more votes than Katie and Nicolo. Bon(go)kers!

The X Factor: Simon's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Harry Hill has put me in a good mood, so looking forward to getting stuck into some X Factor. I'm half an hour behind so can fast forward the adverts too! Win-win!
Gamu gate! Zzz. I honestly couldn't care less. I like Katie! Gamu had a good voice, but no X Factor for me.
WILD CARDS. Please put Diva Fever back in! Not fussed about anyone else.
Is Louis seriously putting that dude through?! Fuck me. Should have been EARS dude.
Yeah it is Diva Fever! LOLS. So pleased. Do you think they were expecting Simon, or do they wear a lot of glittery eyeliner during the day? (it could be either TBH)
Cheryl still aint putting Gamu through. She's putting that smuggard through instead. Oh well, at least she's black.
Fuck me, sixteen to get through now, this is going to be one LOOOOOOOONG night. So glad my dinner's nearly ready. Cheryl looks day-glo orange. She looks like she's got that toasted skin problem I read about this week.
OMG Diva Fever's suits! Lordy.
Ah, so they're nicking that songs available to download on Itunes idea off of Must Be the Music. I SEE. They should nick Dizzee Rascal as a judge too; he's amazing! He's worth about 40 billion of Cheryl and would be 40 billion times cheaper.
FYD- what does that stand for? Fuck, you're dreadful? The lead singer looks like Penfold. On first, so they're fucked anyway. UGH this is shit. I hope they're ejecting three acts tonight. They'll need to.
Matt lives with his parents... lame. You shouldn't start receeding before you leave home, should you? I wish he'd take that stupid fucking hat off. Coldplays. But it's not Coldplay. I'm confused. Why is he wearing job interview clothes, but with that hat? He's really strange, I don't know what to make of that performance.
John also lives with his mum. God, he's so boring I could cry. I'm praying he goes bang when he sings his song too. POP!
God, this is even worse than I imagined. Truly AWFUL.
I can see right up Dannii's nose. Simon's saying he looks great?! He looks AWFUL. That was soooo cheesy. I can't believe they were so kind to him. Genu-whine!
I like Rebecca. She was pick to win, but as the public are so doggedly racist, who knows? Ooh, she's looking up. Another dated, boring old song. What IS this? What's she wearing too? Where's her cool retro style gone? Gah.
The imperfect Storm! Just pass me the bin to be sick in, dear. What a tragic little man with his wrinkles and pink hair, face etched with desperation. Revolting isn't the word.
I hope Storm does end up on a stretcher. He should do Life is a Pigsty and then they can really lay on the rain effects.
UGH the glitter. Glitter makes me think of nice people like Patrick Wolf and Brian Molko. I can see why the dancers are wearing masks over their faces. I'd be ashamed, too. We built this shitty on rock and roll! Storm is about as relevant as Menswear. No, less relevant. My mum's dog is called Storm. You give my mum's dog a bad name.
Belle amie. They're cute. I've never heard of any of these songs! They look shaky but they just need more time, I think. The blond one looks ten years older than the others. The little black one is cute, and the one with the short hair. I agree with Cheryl's advice. Hope they stay in.
Ooh my dinner is ready. Yummy!
LOL, when I write 'Cher' in my tags, Cheryl Cole comes up. Irony! I like her big eyes and boniness, she's like a Tim Burton character. Her gurning is cool, too. I thought her performance was shaky, to say the least. Definitely not in keeping with what the judges said.
DIVA FEVER! Well, none of the judges mentioned the singing, did they? I don't think the other one sang AT ALL! It's like he just wandered onto the stage for a muck about. They're fun though, they're the gay Jedward, and that can only be a good thing.
Paije is boring, and he was out of tune.
Katie! Not bloody Queen again. WTF is she wearing? She looks like she's under the blowdryer. Why is she so far back? I keep expecting her to do something. I like her voice though. My boyfriend just said 'is Brian May going to come out?' Let's hope not.
FUCK YOU LOUIS. Katie-hatey. Katie is cool. She's annoying, but good. Simon likes her. Who is this 'new wave' of artists Cheryl is speaking of? Clearly she has no clue.
Next up is Groo-bo (Mary). Just when you think you couldn't care any less. She reminds me of that thing out of the little mermaid. My god, they're mad for it!
Nicolo. I like him, he's got a great voice! Lady Gargoyles. OMG what have they done to him! I've got some sunglasses like that from Primark. They were £2. The slick hair is gross, too.
My boyfriend just said 'why isn't he dancing?' God, this is awful! Why is this happening? I hope I just dreamt that. Disturbingly bad.
One Direction (there's nowhere to go but down) make me feel ancient! They look like foetuses. Coldplay again! Chris Martin must be on some deal with these fuckers.
OMG the blond one is so cheesy. Wow, that was a new low in rubbishness. That yodelling bit was like some cats getting thrown off a mountain and into a blender.
I wish someone would put a muzzle on the fucking crowd- it's like being stuck on a tube with a bunch of marauding football supporters.
This Wagner thing is a fucking joke. Where's Justin?!
WTF is that in the background? Bongos! OMG Ricky Martin/ Love shack medley! That was actually amusing.
Honestly, Aiden is the only thing keeping me going through this two and a half hour slog. Well, that and my dinner.
FITFITFITFITFITFITFITFIT. Mad world! Ooh he looks like he's going to stab someone. Theatrics!
He's shaking! I want to go into Aiden's forest. I could look at him all day long. I just said I liked everything about him and my boyfriend said 'what, even the name Grimshaw?' R-Pattz comparisons! Aiden is way fitter than R-Pattz. I feel dizzy. Shame I look about the same age as his mum.
Treyc! She's annoying me even in her video before.
Why have they done her up like Kat Slater? No, auntie Kim! Eh heh. I thought she was quite good actually. She still gets on my wick, through.
Two out tomorrow! Super. I'm off to move around a bit so I don't get DVT.

The Apprentice: Bangers and Gash

Everything I touch turns to sold!
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.

The X Factor: Results (no) show

Two and a half hours I spent writing an X Factor blog yesterday, only to get an 'oops blogger is fucked' message and for my blog to disappear into the ether. I didn't even think that was possible! I've been blogging on here for years now and it's never happened. GRRS.
So to do the catch up version of my blog: Aiden Grimshaw is fit, and Dannii better put him through. What's up with Sharon's face? The over 28s should be renamed the over 45s. They are HOPELESS. Some of the groups are OK. Will.i.am is a tool, and Cher will go through regardless of any cold.
Now on with tonight. How can this be an hour long? Flim flam! Music! Mentions of 'still to come'. An advert after NOTHING happened!
The BOYZ. Oh Dannii. Don't let me down. Did Aiden have an undercut before? I don't remember. Oh god, he's first! Goodbye nails.
YAY Aiden got through. He's a dreamboat! He's way too young for me, but anyway. They don't show the loser ringing up their parents crying, do they? Shame. Be nice to have Dermot give you a cud either way, wouldn't it.
Hope Nicolo gets through. Don't mind who else.
The next two Dannii didn't put through because they are too ugly. Sorry; but it's true.
Sad for the little bulldog-looking one. Oh I know who's going to go through next, painter/decorator dude. Quite happy with the boys actually. Not bad at all.
Over 28s. Storm Lee makes my skin crawl; he's just got this creepy sex-pest vibe about him. He stinks of desperation. There's not one decent person in that category. The new Su-Bo murdered Coldplay.
Yuli looks like a character Matt Lucas is playing. What's the deal with her earrings? I thought she might get through, actually.
That John guy BORES ME TO TEARS. He will get nowhere in that competition. At least we have someone to vote out next week though. It's a bit unfair; that Marlon guy they shoved in the boys category was loads better than him.
Justin Vanderhyde! Jim Henson would pay good money for special effects like his face. The ears alone are pretty special. He's a spectacle!
UGH Storm. Let's all collectively pray for sunshine. I'd have preferred Justin, at least his face is entertaining.
Groo-bo will be the next through. NOT INTERESTED. This category BLOWS.
Groups! DIVA FEVER FTW. Who has the worst name, Princes and Rogues or Husstle? FIGHT.
Simon's neck looks all weird and tight.
FUCK TWEM. Vote Diva fever! BOO, don't like the way they set up the Diva Fever thing! Was sure they were going through.
Bell Amie were quite good I thought. Ooh Simon put through the group he manufactured!!! FIX! Husstle must be FUMING.
They never show this Princes and Rogues lot so I guess they're not going through. Plus they look a bit 'wacky'. Simon will prefer the sea urchins he put together instead. And it was so.
The girls. Rebecca is the best of the girls by a mile so she's guaranteed a place. I hope the blond indie chick goes through, but I'm guessing Gamu might instead. I'm sure Cher will still make it.
OMG look at Rebecca's ring! AMAZING! That's cool as fuck. I like her a lot.
I want Katie to go through, but I like Keri as well actually. Ooh tough decisions.
'You don't connect with the audience... you're not ready yet...' it all just means 'you're too ugly'.
Yay she put Katie through over Gamu! LOL.
What's Cher come as? Hilary Clinton? That's is a mum's lipstick shade if ever I've seen one. Cher was jammy to get through. She only got through because she's a mini-Cheryl! But hey.
Treyc did look a bit smug when Cheryl was talking to her, she didn't even look worried.
I like all Cheryl's choices too! There's been no disappointment for me this year! Yays.
Exiting seeing them all spruced up at the end. Except Storm Lee (vomit).