Christmas Top of the Pops 2010

I did this last year, so that makes this a tradition now, right? And I'm not blogging the Christmas soaps. Hopefully I'll be too drunk to. What does Reggie Yates do the rest of the year, I wonder? Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstal's let himself go, too.
Cee Lo Green. Who's he? Isn't he that Gnarls Barkley guy? I've never heard this song before in my life, and there's nothing funny to say about it. Hold on, he just said 'Xbox or Atari'. I got an XBox for Christmas. Woo.
I don't know who Ellie Goulding is. But I know she does an Elton John song. She's gurning a bit. She looks a bit blokey, like she should be in an unfunny BBC sitcom or something. I think I prefer Diane Vickers, and I can't stand Diane Vickers. My mum's verdict: 'she's average looking, an average singer, yet she's doing brilliant. I don't get it.'
Jason Derulo. Who's that? Oh my God, I don't know any of these people. I am out of touch. Thank fuck. It's like (Fl)Usher. Mum's comment: 'he's trying to fill Michael Jackson's gap.' Oo-er. These lasers make me think something good should be happening. But it isn't.
Katy Perry can't sing Firework, which is unfortunate. Half the song is too low, half is too high. The result is a struggle. Plus this song sucks shit. She's doing that thing where you give the mic to the crowd because you can't sing a note. Courtney did that a lot when I saw her this year (but Courtney's allowed).
Olly Murs. Do we really need a new UB40? Who decided on this cod-reggae direction for him? It's not even the one about the crab. Do-be-do-be-do-bop. Fuck off.
STOP TELLING ME WHAT'S COMING UP, IT MAKES ME WANT TO TURN OFF. Who is Eliza Dolittle? Is it Martine Mcutcheon? OMFG this song is so annoying. Double Bass on stage equals The Loop equals time to go to the bar. Every sane Morrissey fan knows that. I don't think a bikini is suitable attire for Christmas day. Eliza looks like Lady Sov. Tweet tweet tweet- buzz off.
Scouting for Girls. Best remembered for being on a documentary moaning about illegal downloading of their turgid music. I think the aviator jacket is out of fashion already. If it wasn't, it is now. This is the worst thing that's been on so far, and it's had some stiff competition.
Oh god, not this fucking Flood song again. Take That. They've been everywhere this year; the country's been riddled with their floodfloodfloodfloodfloodflood. My mum just came and made a sarcastic comment about Robbie Williams because she knows how much I want to stove his face in with an iron. I wish there had been 'more of them than us' and they'd got a proper beating that put them in traction for a few months.
Tinie Tempah. He's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. He's just got this one song, innit. Should have kept Matt Cardle's trousers at his aunt's house, too. Not just as good as Dizzie Rascal. Is that Johnny Marr on the guitar? I wouldn't put anything past that old cunt. We like the cup of tea drum skin, that's about it.
JLS. Don't like them since that one dumped her out of The Saturdays. She was The One! how can we trust another word out of their lying little mouths? This song is dreary, too. No, this song is insipid. It's a shame my mum's buggered off as I'm sure she'd have a few words to say about it.
Plan B. Have you ever seen him in the same room as Graham from Corrie? Have you? Have you? He has a lady's voice. This is the best song so far, and I don't actually like it. Where is the rock and indie this Christmas? Graham does scrub up nice, though. Perhaps he's due in court.
Coldplay. I don't mind this song but I prefer the Killers Christmas song, which in turn is not as good as 'A Great Big Sled'. He's still waiting for the snow to fall. Are him and Gwinnie in the Caribbean, we're awash with the fucking stuff. I watched Sliding Doors the other night, was quite good, except John Hannah has a face like a chewed lightbulb. Still, Chris Martin isn't much better. Should have stuck with Brad.
Chris Martin is looking a bit like Frankie Boyle today. Hope he does a racist joke at the end of this song. Just for the look on Apple's face. Kevin Webster is in the audience and seems to be enjoying himself- well, he's had a tough year.
And to top it all off, Matt Cardie hasn't even bothered to show up. Probably because he hadn't won when they filmed it. By next year, he'll be but a memory.
I hope my dinner is ready now, because I'm due a drink. Have a good one... now turn over quick, The Queen's on.

Book: You Can Stick It

I got an amazing early Christmas present today, the You Can Stick It book by P.K. Munroe. I was already a fan of the blog, and the book sounded good, but is even better in the flesh. It bills itself as 'a sticker book for grown ups'. I actually have an adult colouring-in book too, so it will go quite nicely with that.
I've always had an unhealthy obsession with stickers; when I was a kid both mine and my brothers' bedroom doors were covered in them, and even now I have a special box full of stickers and notepaper; and I still use them pretty regularly despite the digital age. My best friend and I went through a 'googly-eye' phase once where we put googly eyes on absolutely everything on the house from remote controls to lightswitches. Then I saw the cartoon Ooglies, which was pretty much that, but animated.
The most recent stickers that got my heart racing were the feminist 'you are normal, this is not' ones stuck on plastic surgery posters on the tube, and the fact that a simple sticker can put you in a good mood for a day is pretty inspiring. I made up some of my own stickers to use myself, but since then I've hardly seen any sexist posters, so I think they must be getting stickered and then removed pretty regularly. Politics on a sticker is so simple, but so straightforward, I love it.
You Can Stick It is a dream for the naughty stickerer (not a word). Each page is a sheet of stickers you can actually use, and they are really good quality and really funny. Which leaves you in a dilemma, because should you use them, or keep the book pristine?! I want to use mine and go on a stickering rampage! The publishers of this book could get in trouble if it really takes off, but that would be fun.
There's all sorts of different categories of stickers, from ones to go on the front of books: 'not read by Richard and Judy', cash machines 'read PIN clearly into the microphone', and food labels: 'nick one, get one free'. There's also bumper stickers, road signs and train stickers: 'quiet zone- except you of course'.
Probably my favourite ones are ones to go on CDs: 'pointlessly remastered', 'difficult second album' and 'live album, goes on forever'. Also DVD ones: 'here's 2 hours you won't get back' and 'includes that bloke you saw in that other thing'.
This book is lush. The price is good too; £12.99, considering a sheet of stickers with some stars or fairies on costs a quid, and you get tons in here. I think it would make an excellent Christmas present- what, I'm too late? There's Christmas stickers in it, too, and I like the happy birthday one that says 'special petrol station gift'.
Wow, I haven't reviewed a book in about six months! Exciting. This is my kind of book; one with bright colours and not too many words. Stickers rule!

The Apprentice: When I hit the bottle

I couldn't be less interested in a final that contains Stella and Chris, but obviously Stella to win, because Chris is a snotty-nosed little prick. Still, Lord Sugar has thrown us some curveballs this season, so anything could happen. Except something interesting.
Why do they do that thing where they pick the team like at school! Cruel. I was always second-last to be picked (luckily there was a fat girl with a limp who suffered the final indignity).
Alcohol task! My boyfriend just suggested 'red bull, vodka and tequila and stick in in a great big can'.
Blue bourbon. Blue is gay? No, pink is gay. 'I don't like carrying around drinks that are brightly coloured.' Oh, how macho of you.
Honey and spice drink should be called 'Buzzing'. WHERE IS BAGGSY? Can't believe he's not on it. ANGRY.
Urban bourbon. Apparently a 'genius' suggestion. My friend has suggested 'turban bourbon' instead. Not sure why. We think the bottle should be in the shape of a shopping trolley, a gun or a skyscraper.
I didn't know blokes were so touchy about the colour of the drink they drink. Drinkist! Is Liz sabotaging Chris? Good! URBON!
Immoderate drinking! What's that, getting sloshed? Buzzkill.
Why are they always trying to make their adverts like soft porn? No sex! No smoking! Man, why are they trying to fence him in like that? Wankers. Just let Chris make that advert a big drug orgy.
LOL to the Prism bottle! It looks like deodorant. Should have thought inside that box instead. It looks like robot deodorant from 80s sci-fi film.
They didn't even seem to taste either of them- is it all about how it looks? Oh no, that guy just tasted it and didn't look too impressed.
I think they should rename Prism 'Jizzum'. That advert for Urbon was the lolz.
Stella's voice is like nails down a blackboard. She's still got more charm than Chris could ever dream of. And she's got none.
The new Apprentice's job will be to invent something to taste over the phone. It'd save pizza delivery drivers going out in the snow, anyway.
Here's how the new apprentice should be decided. Stella and Chris should go outside, down their own bottles, and see who's the last one standing. I think that would be a fair fight.
Chris always sounds like he's about to go 'it's not fair!' Stell, you're hired. Chris: 'It's not fair!' Go tidy your room, Chris.
I'm not watching that bit after presented by sub-Adrian Chiles. You can't make me! Goodbye.

The Apprentice: You're full of shit

Interviews. I don't like this round, I want to kick those interviewers in the head. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Oh fuck off Margaret, you pompous old crone. I don't mind the nipple joke, it's pretty stupid, but it got him on the show, so shut it.
Baggsy; 'we're all young once'. Isn't he 21? I know it's easy to forget.
Did Joanna not know the name of Amstrad? Hehe. Oh, dear. Chris was held in revered respect... at his school! Bless.
OMG did that guy just say 'ice to Eskimos'? Fuck off.
I just got the word 'drivel' on Scrabble as Baggs was speaking. I must stand up for him, though! He IS a brand. He is now, anyway. Don't like this guy being mean to him.
This whole thing is making me cringe. No interviewer makes you feel like this; and if they did, you'd never want to work there in the first place.
Why is Margaret up Joanna's arse? Joanne has a bad attitude. I'll never forget the way she spoke to Jamie (mind you, I think it was only last week).
Alan Sugar SHOULD say thank you to his staff, the curmudgeonly old grinch.
Oooh Karrrrrrren didn't like it when beardy dude said 'even YOU could get that licence.' Sexist!
LOL to Alan saying Stuart is full of shit. Has he only just noticed? Pining over Liz now! It's a bit late. You should be annoyed with yourself, Sugar-tits. Liz was a worthy winner.
OMG! He fired Baggsy just like that. Hardcore! Don't lie to Tiggy. That was much better than normal, because there's normally a really dull build-up. That felt like a genuine shock.
Wow, two more are going today, too! Cool.
Jamie does talk such a lot of crap. I think Stella's going to win, now.
Aw. Was quite sad when Joanna went. He didn't even point the finger at her. I think Stella's going to win EVEN MORE now Jamie's gone. Chris is too posh.
Ha, Alan said 'well done' for getting to the final! In your face, sucker!

The X Factor: In this Matt-rix

What is the X Factor without Cher? Bland.
I like the way the contestants are posing like they're a character to pick in a beat-em-up computer game.
Why is Robbie Williams on my screen two nights in a row? Unacceptable. I didn't know they ever gave lisping Howard Donald a line in Take That songs. Jason Orange always looks the coolest one. Mark Owen can fuck off, the little rat. I don't care if he did win Celeb Big Brother.
Matt: 'do you ever feel like a plastic bag?' WTF. What the hell are these fucking songs? Oh it's Firework! LOL. He's singing it better than Katy Perry did. Shame he looks like half a banana. This song strikes me as quite hard to sing. Why do they give Matt totally unsuitable songs like this to sing? Why don't they give him The Killers or something.
Louis to Matt: 'you've been paying your dues for 17 years.' What, since he was 10? Matt was on first I notice, maybe Simon is really keen for One Direction to get it.
Where are the Christmas songs? Where are the winner's singles? Something doesn't feel right this week. Also, all the songs are by people who've been on the show, or judged on the show. Boo.
Why has Tina from Corrie got so much make-up on? She looks radioactive.
Rebecca's doing the Eurythmics. Great. So current. Rebecca looks like an elegant statue. I would love for her to beat Matt. I don't think it's gonna happen, though.
This bit where they get the auditionees to sing is dire. It;s also a bit unsettling to see that young prostitute in her pants as part of family entertainment.
Shiiiiiit they are dragging this out. LOL One Direction are out! That'll stop that screaming. Rebecca FTW.
Rebecca got through even with the Christina kiss of death. Nice one.
One Direction look like sad puppies being led off to slaughter. I think they talked them up too much. I want to see the room of One Direction fans all looking despondent.
Matt's winner's song: 'a broken fairytale'- yeah, for One Direction. This song is fucking awful. Rebecca could win it if she has a better song. Oh just fuck off Matt, you sweaty old creep. OMG that song blows so bad. What were they thinking? I had learnt all the words by the third chorus, though.
Rebecca's song is better than Matt's but it's still pretty dreary. Oh God, I so hope she gets it.
My boyfriend just saw Christina Aguilera for the first time and went 'Fuck, what happened?'
Take That: haven't we already heard this dirge before?
Ugh, Matt won it. I give it six months before he's slagging off Simon Cowell and going back to his band.
I'm glad Dannii's happy, I like Dannii. But that's about it. I feel empty. EMPTY.

The X Factor: Tonight's going to be a good night (dependant on the ITV player)

Well I've missed the first half an hour of X Factor because my BT vision box just didn't bother to tape it. Thanks! So glad I've wasted weeks on this show only for that to happen.
I've got it working again just in time for One Direction. Lucky, lucky me. They are doing Elton John. Flat. Get the message. Elton doesn't like you.
Fuck this, I'm going to watch the whole thing later; I'm not feeling it halfway through. *time passes* OK, it's just come on ITV player at 10pm. THANKS. I only have to do 30 mins on interwebs, the rest I've got recorded.
WTF the ITV player is starting at the exact point my BT vision box started recording! Did the first part of X Factor disappear into the ether? This is really getting on my fucking nerves. Incidentally, the ITV player is the least intuitive website on the WHOLE ENTIRE PLANET. I think it's got mental problems.
Fuck it then, let's just go with what I've got.
WTF is going on with Cheryl's hair?! She looks like she's just got out the bath. Oh, now it's snowing. Lovely.
Here's how the odds should be: Cher FTW, Rebecca, One Direction, Matt. Here's how the odds are: Matt, One Direction, Rebecca, Cher. See the discrepancy? Boo.
One Direction's mum looks about 20. I don't tend to gaze adoringly into my mother's eyes and say I love you, but maybe I'm just uptight.
The other boys One Direction went to school with must be livid. I bet they were a right bunch of ninnies, especially that blonde one.
Oh I've only missed Matt and Rebecca. I thought I might have missed Cher.
What is Tina from Corrie doing? She looks like she's fallen face-first into the MAC counter.
Oh god, I think I've got the first bit going again now. Are you enjoying this blog? I'm certainly enjoying writing it. *pours another drink* Come on, stay a while, suffer with me.
Matt and Rebecca better be on fucking high wires at this rate.
OK, I'm there, back at the beginning. Everything is right with the world. Voiceover man comforts me. That and the Cava.
Ah... Diva Fever. Memories.
By the way, I know who the duets are, despite trying to avoid it. Was Will.i.am going to duet with Mary if she went through instead? #itsnotafix (ooh, crossover joke)
I feel a bit hungry now, I've waited for so long. I need some hard drugs. Also, the picture quality on this ITV player blows.
Group song. AIDEN! Ahh... his quiff is getting Jedward-esque. Wagner, get us some dope will ya? I don't even smoke it, but I'd do some crack with Phil Mitchell right now if it got me through the next 90 minutes.
Cher is doing a rap about musical chairs. GANGSTA. Matt's out of tune. Uh, this song is reminding me of that Black Eyed Peas atrocity last week. #itshouldneverhavehappened (sorry, I'll stop doing that now)
God, did I really wait three hours for this fucking racket? I think I'll go back to watching people biting their toenails on BBC3. Is it really up to us this week, Dermot? Is it?
I think the fact that Matt Cardle's hat is so popular speaks volumes about the extent of his charisma. Oh, and the fact he's doing Dido.
I can't even fast forward this shit. The imaginatively-named ITV player is 'buffering' a few times already. It's like it's the early 90s all over again.
Judges: Oh Matt, you're so amazing, you're wonderful, the sun shines out of your behind. NO you're a fucking dullard. Go away.
I can hear Stacey Solomon but I can't see her. Nevermind.
Ah, look at Princess Cheryl having a cup of tea in Rebecca's council house. I hope they put down the appropriately-coloured carpet.
Rebecca is being spun round on a giant black cake. Why? Ask Brian Friedman. I don't know what this song is. I like Rebecca, but the style of music just sends me to sleep.
OMG Louis and Cheryl say the same fucking thing every week. 'Likeability factor... you deserve to be there...' Just stick a robot there to say this shit. It'd be more human.
Rebecca's best friend looks just like her! Spooky. I respect that in a friend. All friends should dress the same, it's your little gang.
Ahhh back to my TV and the fast forward button now. Thank fuck. It's not fair, I wouldn't be this drunk if it was 7.30 right now.
Cher. I bet Cheryl was pissed off having to go to two council estates. Aw, bless Cher's brother.
Cher's got her pyjamas on. So have I. WTF is this song? It appears to be about a rubber dolly. Is that a euphemism? Get your freak ON! She should have done that one about doing E, I used to like that one.
This is all over the place and it's still seven billion times more interesting than Matt and Rebecca combined. She feels real. Which is why she won't win.
My computer is mad with me cos I won't plug the battery in. I won't plug that battery in until the bitter end, so nag all you want!
Duets! Matt Cardle and Rhianna! Yeah they seem like they'd go well together... right? Hopefully he's going to do the Eminem rap Cher did last week. Matt's got Dermot's suit on. He looks like he's just shuffled by from parents' evening. Ugh, what is this song? It's like someone's getting murdered.
Rhianna needs to sort that barnet out. Incidentally, I saw an interview with Rhianna recently, and she really was as thick as pigshit. Does she require flames wherever she goes? Matt looks completely out of his depth. Hope he catches fire. Why is he in that fucking suit? It looks highly flammable! Should have gone for the vest again, that was just weird. Matt should have duetted with someone indie. They are making him into something he's not. Perhaps that cunt from the Kooks might have been available.
Rebecca and Xtina also don't go together in the slightest. It's like they're willing her to lose. Rebecca has too much hair tonight. I like her little cape, though.
Christina is looking... busty! I'm sure people will be slagging her off for not looking anorexic as all female popstars should, but she looks good. Her hair's gone haywire. She is just singing AT Rebecca. Rebecca looks like she wants to curtsey.
UGH One Direction are performing with Robbie Williams. Haven't I suffered enough tonight. Their little coloured suits looks silly.
I hate this fucking song, too. Didididididididi is basically how it goes. Robbie looks like he could be their grandfather. Aw bless, they were completely out of tune then. Oh what an 'honour' it is to sing with Robbie. I wish Robbie would DROP FUCKING DEAD.
Oh lawks, what song are Cher and Will gonna murder? I hope it's My Humps. Cher rapping to this Black Eyed Peas song reminds me of when I do Eminem on the karaoke, but I only know the first verse of any given song.
Eh heh! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good, good night! This song makes me laugh. This is the perkiest I've felt all night. His necklace is rather smashing, too. He must be hot in that coat.
Fuck me, is Rhianna hawking more of her wares on this show? Wow, look at those earrings. They're cool. I'm a fan of ginormous earrings. Is she gonna whip her dressing gown off? OMG she's just got her undies on. Is that appropriate for a family show? What would Widdecombe say?
I like her body (Rhianna's, not Widdecombe). This song is poo poo, though. This dance she's doing is borderline obscene.
Ooh, Xtina's back too. Let's hope she's got some clothes on. Oh. This dance is reminding me of Courtney after a few whiskies. They should rename the show the 'objectification factor'. This song is awful. I like her chewy-looking hair though, actually.
I like it when popstars go a bit fat, too. I think it shows their humanity.
I'm getting so fucking bored with this show now. I think this performance is 0.2% less sexy than Matt Cardle in that vest.
Talking of X Factor, I saw Alexandra Burke being interviewed on TV this week. She is one boring bastard. How the fuck did she win it?
Results! They're kicking one out. Hope it's not Cher. *sadface*
Ick, Matt's still got that suit on. Dermot: 'good luck to everyone.' Might as well say 'good luck nobody.'
Hmm, I wonder who will go through between Matt the plank, and Cher?
Planks rule! Well done, viewers. Pass the razorblades.
Simon: 'there's going to be a shock tonight.' Nice try. See you tomorrow for the bore-off. Night.

The Apprentice: Have a taste of my eels

Alright! Is this over yet? No? Grr!
Tonight they are becoming tour guides on open top buses. I always wonder how much it costs to go on those open-topped buses. London is shit! I feel sorry for tourists. They must be so depressed once they get here.
Cockney tour! I'm thinking of the cock-up jokes already.
Why is that girl who's name I still can't remember speaking to Jamie like that? Boo. She's being a harridan. Oh, Jo. That'll never stick in my head.
LOL to the jellied-eeled salesman. He looked very unsure about giving it the Cockney patter and his buddy basically called them a Cockney-ist.
Stella gets on my wick. Hope she fluffs it this week.
Jo: 'you're scaring me!' Is she serious?! Threatened! I'll show her threatened. I don't approve of that tactic whatsoever, it makes me ashamed to be female. What purpose is there in acting like that? Nick won't like it. Alan won't like it. Jamie is a threat; but it's not in the way she's saying.
This 20% thing is going to bite Chris. The guy's eyes lit up when he offered that.
OMG- 'have a taste of my eels'! That's the biggest laugh I've had all night. Baggs FTW.
What's a 'Muriel'? Perhaps she's thinking of Muriel's wedding.
OMG Jo is soooooo belligerent to her clients! She is aggressive! She's a psycho. She's gotta go.
OMG Jamie's tour blows. The river Thames sucks.
Haha Baggsy trying to nick Jo's punters. He is truly odious. Telling them to call the police! He knows how to ingratiate himself.
Imagine being the public being torn between those two groups! Ugh. I'd rather go round the back of KFC and try my luck with the bin lorry.
OMG Jo is going to garrity! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.
Do you actually get to see any ghosts on the ghosts and ghouls tour? That's the only way it could actually be worth 25 quid. It's cheaper to go to Alton Towers.
Stella's tour looks like it's of London crack dens. Is this a Banksy? No, it's just some criminal damage.
I'm fed up Jo's team won! She was acting like an absolute animal during that task.
Don't want Liz or Baggsy to go. Lordy didn't even have a go at Jo about her 'you're threatening me' bullcrap.
I wonder how long Baggsy's been practising that 'one trick, ten trick pony' line? OMG I can't believe that speech saved him and Alan chose to save him over Liz. Honestly, you really get the workforce you deserve.

Soap & Gory: Tram-a-lolz

Soap bloodbath! Gotta be due a blog.
Funny; I've never seen those trams trundling over Coronation Street. CGI trams! They should have just had the street hit by an asteroid instead, it's more fun. I mean they had ghosts in it last month- it's not so big a leap.
Molly is catching the tram! I don't think anyone in the history of the Street has ever caught that tram before. Oh, because it wasn't there.
I actually don't know who's going to die; except that Ashley and Claire might, which is fine by me.
The picture looks different; I think they're shooting it with a different kind of camera. HD? Everything looks a bit yellow. Mind you, my mum did give me some codeine earlier.
What's going on with Leanne's hair? She looks like My Little Pony. She must have some tasty sugarlumps, she's very much in demand.
Molly is a hard-(potato)faced one. Poor old Tyrone. Please let this storyline come on top this week, they've been dragging it out almost as long as an Eastenders storyline.
Hope Carla doesn't die! She's my favourite character. I'm still mourning the loss of Tony Gordon.
This storyline with John Stape and Charlotte blows. Hope he dies.
Are those gunshot wounds all over Sean's shirt? No? Shame.
Not interested in Lloyd's (non) girlfriend and her ex. When are the explosions going to start?
It's times like this, when Nicky Platt is on screen, I pine for Madame Rickitt. This 2nd dude is such a shit actor. Did you see him on the faux Jeremy Kyle show? David Platt acted him off the stage.
What could there be possibly left for Tyrone to see in Molly? I preferred her when she was fat and nice. 'You made me tell you'. Cruel.
NEXT: fire! Screaming! We could have done with a bit of that in the first episode, I think.
Oh, well, Eastenders never disappoints (!)
Let's have a fantasy tram crash for Eastenders. In fact, it would be quicker to name who to keep: Max, Phil, Christian, Syed, Dot, Shirley, Tamwar. They can all be hiding in the launderette when the bomb drops.
Actually, forget the crash. For the firing squad: Alfie and Kat. Buried alive: Janine, Ryan and Stacey (oh and Stacey's mum, they'll enjoy that). Beaten to death with a baseball bat: Billy, Ian and Jay. Drowned like kittens in a bag: Glenda, 'skidmark' woman and Zainab.
Why is everyone under the illusion Ryan is good-looking? He's dull as fuck, and looks a bit like a chimp, but not enough to be appealing. He's hardly the new Dennis, is he? Casting directors: please try harder.
Lily's 'records' just appear to be blank pieces of paper; well done props department. Ah, they were busy making Whitney's 'brap' T-shirts. Spare me.
WTF is going on with Phil, Jay and Carol's bit of stuff? Actually, I'm not interested.
Stacey's wallpaper is horrific. No wonder she went mental.
CORRIE! CORRIE! CORRIE! Bring on the (fire) wall.
Fuck this build-up, get on with it. The Tyrone and Molly thing should be massive. Now it's just like a bit of comedy filler with Janice.
Don't be sexist, Tyrone, have some decorum.
That doctor looks like Liam (RIP). Come on, bring on the dis-Joinery.
The hammer attack was quite good (and gory). Wacky camera angles, too.
It strikes me that Becky's not that good a guardian to that Max; she's lost him twice in a week.
Pissed off with this episode; it's all just flim flam. Bring on the rubble! Come come nuclear bomb.
LOL, well that was good for the last five minutes. Final Dev-stanation! So why did The Joinery just blow up? Ken seemed almost non-plussed 'that's my son in there'. The actually tram coming through was funny as fuck. They probably spent about 100K on special effects that bad. Exciting, though! I really wanted to see that sweetie jar fall on Rita's head. So I'm guessing Molly's dead, which will leave Kevin to bring up the baby. Hope Peter Barlow survives.
That ITN news 'live from the street' sounds like a great idea for the mentally ill. Disturbing!

The X Factor: Will.you.fuck.off

Four glorious warriors, according to Dermot. I make it nine mediocre singers.
Alexandra Burke is one lucky SOB because she would never have won it this year. I think she needs to reinvestigate getting a fringe, as she's looking a bit Ant McPartlin.
She's flying! Who does she think she is, Jesus Christ? We need Jarvis Cocker to sort this uppity bitch out. Rubbish song, too.
Where's the medley by the contestants? I don't get this Glee thing. It feels like their mics broke for about 30 seconds in the middle of that song. It seemed like no one was singing for a very long time. I don't know anything about Glee except that one in the wheelchair is not really in a wheelchair, and they should have given that job to an actor in a wheelchair. They all look fucking punchable. Lord, what a racket.
Louis and Dannii sneaking back from a cheeky... what?! They don't smoke.
I think the Black Eyes Peas might be one of my most hated bands of all time. Every single song they have sets my teeth on edge.
OMG- is this actually happening? I actually lost the power of speech for a minute there. This sample does not go with this other song. The whole thing is so utterly tuneless, it's melting my brain. I feel like I just took some really bad drugs; like hammers and spanners bad.
Anyway, enough of that self-indulgent old clap trap. On with the results (!)
LOL to Simon's face when One Direction went through.
Boo, wish it was Cher who was safe. Cher should do 'I am what I am'. Or 'I am whatever you say I am'. One or the other.
Mary's got to go. I think she's ready to roll. She seemed confident. I think she's done her best, but no megastar want to team up with her next week. Who would they get, Michael Buble?
Why is Cher doing Britney? That's not very gangsta. She looks like she's blubbing. This sounds like a ballad to me- she poo-pooed ballads yesterday. This song blows. bless her, though, she's like a little sparrow.
Louis, who is the act you're SENDING THROUGH TO THE FINAL, FFS. Don't you understand English? Mind you, why change the rules at this stage. It makes no sense.
Simon will save Cher, I'm sure. And so it was.
I'm sure there's not normally four in the final. Cher FTW.

The X Factor: Club (foot) classics

The night starts here, the night starts here, forget your name, forget your fear. Why, hello, there.
Club classics theme. WTF does that mean? Zombie Nation and Darude?
I am watching half an hour behind to fast forwards the ads as usual. I win!
Dannii looks pretty tonight. Hope Mary goes tonight! I'd like Cher to win now, but I think it's unlikely.
Aw to Rebecca and Boris Becker spending his credit on her. Show Me Love! She's doing a dance tune but not dancing. Dance! She looks great, though. That was quite groovy.
Louis isn't using the oil-slick hair gel this week.
Not sure Cheryl is pulling off that red lippy, and I should know. Ah, it's because of the horrid bronzer. You should always go pale with red lips. Every grunge girl knows that. She looks like a demented air-hostess.
I wish Wagner was still in, he could have done Ebeneezer Goode. LOVELY.
Mary sounds completely out of time! And off. Oh dear. Why are none of the judges commenting on it? I think Louis is on crack: Simon wasn't negative in the slightest.
Aw, Matt's ill. Good, hope he goes this week. You got the love! With a guitar. Don't invoke the memory of Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine (that's my boyfriend's joke, but it's a good 'un). This is actually OK. I think I prefer him raspy. He's got the confetti. It's like he's won Deal or No Deal.
I wanna draw my eyebrows on like Cher! What's this song? She sounds like she's doing Coldplay. She's like a little penguin doing Coldplay. And that's a lot more interesting than Mary. Her lyrics just mentioned the Nintendo 64. Ah... Mario Kart. This song's alright.
I don't like the way Cher has to apologise for her bad attitude. Attitude is a vital component of being a singer. Who is she meant to be deferring to?
One Direction. Zain is fit. The dancey bit over the chorus means they can basically be out of tune, because it's so loud. They should have done Firework by Katy Perry. This is a din.
Second songs. WTF is Matt singing? In which club was this a classic? The failed suicide club? I had to fast forward that it was so horrendous. Matt looks sweaty.
Fuck me, the way Louis talks about Mary is like she's a dog waiting to be put down, not his star turn. Have faith, Louis!
Eek Mary's crumbled. She did a croak! That's known in the business as doing a Waissel. I think Simon just said 'you know' 50 times in one sentence. Dermot: Mary, don't get sad about your dead mother! You're being a downer!
Cher's doing Eminem medley- LOL! 'When a tornado meets a volcano'- this is a bit much, really. But I kind of like it. Her voice sounded good at the end.
Cher shall not change for love nor money! FU Dannii.
Rebecca. Since when was Amazing Grace a club classic? Where's the washing machine/ food blender? Louis, where is your rule book when we need it?
One Direction are doing Snow Patrol. They are singing it better than Gary Lightbody does; mind you, that's not difficult. I think my second favourite One Direction is the little brown-haired one with a bowl cut.
Judges to everyone: 'you really deserve your place in the final'. Well, they can't all get there. So get off the fence why don't yer?
Want your vote to make a difference? Vote Cher. Mary; please come to customer services.

The Apprentice: Haggle Rock

Sunrise at the Gherkin. Beautiful.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.