Big Brother 11: Change your taste in Ben

So did Laura let the cat out of the bag? Is Sam going in over Tubbs? Good, I want someone hateful to go in, not like all these other dullards.
That model has a nice bum. Why can't he be a housemate? I've never seen so many people in the bathroom all at once!
Davina in the house was quite funny. Better than when she went in in that ridiculous farmyard garb. Ooh, John James looks hot in that eyeliner! Davina licked his face and he RECOILED!
Ben is disgusted by new Tampax IN A PACKET! Never go to a festival, Ben. I can't work out if he's being sexist or just ignorant. Still, why do BB have to show that right now?! SOB (Save our Ben).
YES! Dave saying 'make-up is helping ugly women get laid for centuries'! That was the sound of a thousand phones being picked up.
This conversation between John and Andrew is cringeworthy! That was entirely for the benefit of the cameras as far as I'm concerned. He is playing that game!
Why is Gok Wan having his picture taken with Steve? *racist*
It makes me feel physically sick when Dave says he's got stuff bubbling up in his belly. It makes vomit bubble up in my throat.
I couldn't not cuddle my boyfriend if he was there. Was Dave's wife the blonde one? She looked a bit nice for him! That task is a headfuck.
Corin, 'you can never be too brown'. True, but you can be too orange.
How could people hate Ben!? He is the LOLS! Get that fat CUNT Dave out NOW!
JEDWARD! I saw Jedward on Live From Studio Five earlier, they were AMAZING. I also read an interview with them recently where they said the following: 'People only throw tantrums and storm out of rooms slamming the door BECAUSE THEY'VE SEEN IT IN A MOVIE.' Just stop to consider that for a second. Imagine if you learnt my entire emotional range from 80s films. They are quite special little things, aren't they (Jedward, not extra terrestrials).
I wish Mario would get a grip, he's unravelling in that place. Dear Mario, stop being such a DOUCHE. You were a hero once. You didn't talk to your granddad because you didn't NOTICE HIM!
Ben has got nuff makeup on! He looks 80s. OMG! DAVE IS SAFE OVER BEN! This is fucking bullshit! What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, does Dave provide more entertainment in that house than Ben? I am DISGUSTED.
I am literally screaming at the TV. Dave is SCUM! Ben looks scared. I don't like anyone else in there!
It just feels like the end of Big Brother for me right now. My Big Brother heart feels broken. The show is ending this year and there's no one I love in there; Ben is the only one I cared about. I BLUBBED.
Why the fuck did John James get such a big cheer? I seriously want Andrew to win now. Fuck John James. FUCKING RACHEL IS IN THERE AND BEN'S NOT. ARGH!
What Ben brought to the table was panache, Davina.
Ben looks nervous. I hope they don't let the public abuse him. Don't crawl to Rachel, she's a complete tool.
My God, Ben got 52% of the vote. How is that possible?
Ben: 'my mum's in exile in Switzerland'. Oh, I will miss him. Idiot fucking public, I despise you. Cheers.
Sam Pepper! Please spice things up. A massacre would probably hit the spot. You could become my new favourite so very easily right now. Especially as apparently he upset Ife in the auditions. They should make him evict one housemate of his choice in front of them.
Can you imagine being in Jedward's backing band? I'd rather do that than be in Scouting for Girls. Or be anywhere near Joss Stone.
I think I love Jedward. They are not quite human, but they'd be good to play with.
Jedward are like mad imps trashing the place! Ooh Jedward got in trubs. LOL! Jedward just set the fire alarm off! Quality.
Jedward are shiny. Perhaps housemates shouldn't ignore the fire alarm. It might set a dangerous precedent.

Big Brother 11: Dear God Please Help Me (Get Dave Out)

Oh Laura! Didn't even say goodbye. She's worse than me leaving a nightclub. Half an hour later, no one has noticed she's gone. Did we even see them announce it!?
Why is Ben bothered about John and Josie being under the covers? 'He's a pig and she's a piglet!' That's love for you.
What is Corin playing at? I'd be mortified if my partner was leering over someone so explicitly in there.
That task (where they have to ignore weird things going on) is quite a good idea. They have NO HOPE of passing it.
That stripper postman is like a low level molester, following people around sticking his bum out.
Ben: task-failure enabler! Oh they get video messages if they pass. I hope we have a repeat of last year, when Bea wasn't impressed with the calibre of friend in her video message.
Josie should have said 'I love your crab eyes' to John James.
Has Mario not realised his granddad is sitting in the chair? LOL! 'My granddad is a world away from this'. Not!
How soon after did he twig?!
Oh, Rachel, leave off Ben. You're getting on my nerves.
Marcus Bentley going in was so post-modern, it was like the show was eating itself. It's like looking at a picture of someone looking in a mirror looking in a mirror. I reckon I would have recognised him! I bet he got a buzz from going in. I bet that's his dream come true. It's a head trip.
Marcus has got some comedy timing! Good on him.
OMG I would freak if someone wiped that pie in my face! Corin is a trouper.
Steve, I don't think saying 'ignore this, ignore this' counts as ignoring it. I liked the housemates saying the house was a shithole and playing ball over them! Funny. Andrew was particularly good.
Wow that task was actually really imaginative and funny. Well done, Big Brother. And I don't say that very often. (apart from all the outside people coming in, of course)
Oh God, Rachel and Mario ganging up on Ben is just boring. Rachel, you're NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM AND HE DID NOTHING. Shut the fuck up.
Ben is the favourite to go? On what planet could Ben be less popular than Dave? Not one I want to live on. Vote out that anti-abortion, women-hating, god-bothering fantasist NOW. Nooooooooooooow!

Big Brother 11: Wedding Mess

So Laura walked. Let's have a minute's silence, to mirror her time in the house.
OMG John James has told Josie he likes her! Well, so she says.
Josie's impression of that snog was way sexy. Didn't she force him to have that snog? 'When I kissed him my breath smelt like a portaloo.' Lush.
Josie is worrying about the cost of overseas phonecalls. I wouldn't smash the piggybank just yet.
That exercise Andrew and Dave are doing looks HARDCORE. Move over JJJJ. There's some new totty in town.
Big Brother seems keen to get rid of Laura! No John James treatment; calling people to the diary room begging her to stay. Just fack off, boring. Stop wasting everyone's time. What exactly can't she cope with? John James's accent?
Not interested in all the flim-flam when I know she's already gone; it's a dead storyline.
Steve looked shocked to be up. John James looked cool when he got nominated and did the peace sign whilst eating a banana.
I hope Ben wins save and replace! Not much chance though.
Steve looks a bit peeved. Dave is worried because he's up against the straight MEN of the house. Women don't concern him.
Task: interesting; who will Steve pick to go up instead of him? I knew he'd pick Andrew. I think he probably does feel bad about it. I guess Mario has got off lightly this week.
I don't think Andrew will go. Surely it's our chance to get rid of Dave?
Dave on Josie and John James snogging; 'it's like a frigging porno shoot'. How weird is he?
Josie seems to be being particularly needy today, and wandering round in a wedding dress isn't helping matters.
John is PLAYING this game! 'Tell Josie I got cheered if I go.' What a man! He's a hero.
John James's pet limpet is upset he might go. Shoulda caught that bouquet then, rat face.
Andrew pining over Josie. Aw. In another world. Who'd have thought Josie would be the femme fatale of the house?
Is Andrew drunk and letching at Josie? Oh dear.
PS: Jo as Eastenders character continued. I watched some live feed and she was going on about Ibiza. Enough said.

Big Brother 11: My whites are boiling over

Jo is whipping out the old 'I'm not being funny'. She's like a badly written Eastenders character. I know that doesn't narrow it down.
Is John James still giving it the 'brother/sister' nonsense?
Ben having a go at Josie trying to be sexy! Bad. Naughty Ben. I don't think John knew what he was saying; or he pretended not to.
I like Mario's multicoloured nails! I'm going to try that. Online game chat. It's all a bit IT crowd but without the lols.
Ah, Dave automatically up; the producers are obviously trying to get shot of him this week, and not before time. I don't think John James would get that punishment, do you?
NOMS! I'd love to see Rachel go this week. No wonder Andrew is scared of Steve; Steve could crush him with his thumb.
Corin is in Ben's pocket with that nomination for Rachel, methinks.
Perhaps John should have said to Ben what he said in the diary room about Ben. I wasn't even sure he'd understood it at the time. He should have stuck up for Josie to Ben's face.
Josie nominated Ben to clear the bed next to her and John James, basically.
Mario is really getting on my wick right now. The mole thing seems a long, long time ago.
Rachel just nominated the two biggest characters in the house. Dur.
Steve nommed John and Josie! He's probably worried they're getting more airtime than him.
Ooh, all males up this week! I really hope Dave goes. I'm glad Steve's up, that'll give him a little shock.
Big Brother, how about just not including 'inaudible' bits in the highlights? Or just make something up. Uh-oh, tantrum time again! ANGUISH! Oh, the agony. Just snog, idiots. I think John James is worried about what other people think. That's about it.
John James's heart to heart with his new BFF forever was so dumb. OMG did you check out his necklace? JJ2 is a failed boy band member, dressed by Cromwell's Madhouse.
JJ2 looked more bothered that John went walkies that Josie did. DON'T DO IT JOHN! HE'S NOT WORTH IT! Josie unphased: 'he'll be back in a minute'. LOL!
As if they'd let John James walk. He's our leading man.
JJ1: 'please understand!'
JJ2: 'I can't understand!' Moving stuff. Who are all these people in the runs? They look like ghostly figures; apparitions. There's strange people in Big Brother every day this week. I'd be concerned it's going to go all Dead Set.
John James tortured in a tunnel, crying. This is the stuff teenage girl's dreams are made of! Who needs R-Pattz?
Poor Josie. The pain is written all over her face. Make no mistake; John James is concerned with how this looks to the outside. I'm not saying his feelings for Josie aren't real; but his feelings for himself run stronger.
God, can you imagine these two in a real relationship? Bags would be packed and clothes thrown from windows on a daily basis.
John should back off from her if he's really not interested. And I already know they snog tomorrow. So it's clearly the most mixed signals ever. And Corin said those exact words as I wrote them.
Aliengate! Don't deny Roswell, Ben! I saw the film.
Pinnochio ought to try and carve out a role for themselves in the house that's not Littlejohn's bitch.
What is up with Mario? I think he's lost his mind. He comes in and stares Ben out. Poor Ben. He's right, Mario is being a total shit right now. I think he's realised he's not going to win it and become unhinged as a result.
Did John James just kiss Josie and then go 'don't say anything' like a child molester?
What's up with Laura? Did Mario's psycho act just push him over the edge? Corin gave good advice then. I think she'd be good to turn to in a crisis. She must have been through the mill herself, she's younger than me and she's been widowed and gone lesbian. I barely leave the house.
Oh, Laura, just walk already. Get Tubbs in! You're not adding one single thing. In fact, you're taking away, as on the last live feed I watched I had to listen to yours and Jo's inane conversation instead of seeing some red-hot John and Josie whispering. Oh...

Big Brother 11: If you want to live, get in the bedroom

Just spoke to my BF and she said 'I hate everyone in Big Brother. All of them.' 'What about Ben?' I asked. 'All of them.' she replied. 'But especially that new blonde one.'
I can't disagree, I am feeling everything from mild dislike to all out hatred for them too. We need a people's prince/ss.
Mario is BITTAH. I don't blame Ben for ditching Rachel. She's awful!
JJ wants to win anything, no matter what it is. World's biggest prick competition? Oh no, that's gone to old crab eyes. But at least he's handsome.
Rachel is coming off like a bunny boiler! There's less sexual chemistry between her and Ben than Ben and Dave.
24 task! Look at the tree's sparkly knobs! Fancy! Andrew is no Jack Bauer. Andrew enjoyed shouting at people! He likes swearing it up.
Dave pronounces tooth like we do at lightupvirginmary towers. TUTH! Andrew is good at this task. OMG this made me cry with laughter. Andrew is scary when he's angry! He's just freestyling the 'hands on your heads' stuff.
My respect for Andrew just went up a millionfold. 'That felt amazing!' LOL.
What is with Dave? Why is he stirring! It was clear what Ben said was a joke. Ben, why are you even bothering with Rachel? She's just a mouth unattached to a brain. Rachel, you're not his girlfriend. Is he not allowed to speak to a new person?
Dave saying Ben was 'on her like a cheap suit'. Gross.
JJ is NOT good looking. He looks like a confused chipmunk. Or 'like Toby Anstis infused with acorn DNA' ?! according to my boyfriend. He should write this shit, not me.
Rachel is so unendingly thick that if you gave her a book to read, she's probably try and eat it.
Andrew in the diary room! OUTSIDE PEOPLE! I give up. Do you think Andrew was enjoying that?! I think he needed a cold shower. Is he going to go jerk off?
Star jump tyranny! Andrew is a sadistic little fucker.
JJ and John James's 'friendship' is just a self-appreciation society. It's like wanking off in front of a mirror, like Jason from Nadia's year in BB admitted to once (vomit). It's tedious.
JJ: 'I didn't expect anyone to fancy me'. I'm not surprised with that munchkin mush.
Corin... don't you have a girlfriend? Naughty.

Big Brother 11: Dave Ja Vu

JJ has got his name on his back! Is that in case he forgets it? Vain, boring, dull. These new housemates are getting on my nerves. Jo strikes me as insincere and possibly controlling. Laura is just nothingy, just telling them things she shouldn't and being pointless. They are draining the house. We need BIG personalities. It's just more dead wood.
John James and JJ's love-in is even duller than the one with Josie. Josie even seems jealous of THAT! Get a grip, love.
OMG JJ has been telling John James about his 'fans'! I hate this new housemate bullshit. I HATE it! They ruin the new dynamics of the house.
Ben being put out because he's not seem as a 'hunk' in the house. Come on, Ben, you're many things but you're not a hunk, I'm afraid. Mind you, nor's Pinnochio.
I hate all this macho bullshit. No one wanted to arm-wrestle when Ben wanted to.
Josie picking a bogie out of John James's nose! He didn't bat an eyelid! Andrew did though. I personally keep my finger out of other people's noses, no matter how much I fancy them.
Laura, you've been called in five times because you can't keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch. Seriously, I'm pissed off with these new housemates.
This Dave ja vu task reminds me of my best friend in two ways. 1. She always laughs at the channel called Dave Ja Vu. 2. If I see her twice in a week, she'll tell me the same story both times. She's got the memory span of a gnat.
Mario is bitter because he wants a special little friend! Steve is bitter because he's lost his special little friend.
JJ trying to convince himself he likes Josie because John James does. Pathetic. Stop kissing arse. You wouldn't speak to Josie in a million years normally because you're deluded you're some kind of hot stuff and not just a shop mannequin (barely) come to life. He's just nothing on a stick.
Sweetie party! Mario is hiding in the toilet, waiting for someone to notice.
Steve is pissed off with the new housemates coming into HIS house. I'm sure I'd feel exactly the same. Rachel, Steve and Mario are so wrapped up in their own misery they can't really comfort each other.
Time for some double evictions!

Big Brother 11: Showmancing the stone

If Ben and Rachel had a row last night, why didn't they show it? Too busy crawling up Andrew Stone's arse. Boo.
What different ways does Ben shower? With the watering can in the garden. Ben is under pressure tonight. I don't like it when they all have a pop at him.
Steve is pining for Keeley! That romance is OVER. OVER.
Rachel is being a right uppity bitch lately. Don't give Ben back-chat. Just let him take your bed and suck it up. I'm glad she got a wake up call when loads of the new housemates said she was annoying on those clips. Oh, and put your top on.
Shame Keeley's gone in a way as she exposed something in Steve, but she would have been out anyway this week. Needless to say, Steve's glass eye has been packed away.
John James/ Josie love-in. I don't get why they always say he doesn't fancy her, he clearly does. They are quite co-dependant. I reckon they'll probably snog within the next five days.
Look at Steve stroking Rachel's neck! It's very intimate. There's no physical barriers in that house, it's peculiar. Everyone is fair game for a bit of a frink.
Why do we have to sit through that 'performance' twice? I think my boyfriend put it best when he said 'they rehearsed that?'
WHY DIDNT JOEL GET IN??? JJ is useless, he's just a pointy little shrew. He started talking about football on the live feed as soon as he got in there. Tubbs would have been loads better. Democracy fail.
Poor Laura having to introduce herself with 'I'm so sorry'. Whoops. She reminds me of Shell from yesteryear. I fear Ben may still be lacking intellectual conversation as it's just more idiot holes.
Dave, lay off that champagne, save yourself for the Lord. Why are Ben and Dave crawling up Rachel's arse? She's higher up the pecking order than any new housemates anyway. They should fear her if anything.
Dave is being especially creepy tonight.
Mario saying JJ is beautiful. He was clearly left too long sitting in front of Pinnochio as a child. If you tap him on the head it would probably echo.
Laura is getting on my nerves already and Jo doesn't want to argue with anyone. What's the point?
Yeah John James doesn't fancy Josie, that's why he's put his football shirt on. Come on now, what do you want, a written invitation? JUST SNOG ALREADY.
The term 'cougar' is sexist bullshit. No wonder Dave keeps saying it.
WTF Laura comes in that house and says 'John James goes to the diary room saying this...' SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT, FFS. This new housemate stuff is bullshit, they can't keep their fucking traps shut.
I think Jo wants to be John James's bride, not Josie!
Aw to the 'I love you's. I'm a sucker for a showmance.

Big Brother 11: Hurty Dancing

Keeley not going back in? Weird! My only guess is she's seen the papers, seen she's been 'lovematched' with Steve and run as far away as possible. And who can blame her? They're not even going to interview her, are they?!
Not more of this Pineapple bullshit. Sink the fucker and give Spongebob a holiday home!
Could doing a bit of dancing be Steve's biggest challenge? No I'd say that was probably LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN WITH NO LEGS, you insensitive cunt.
Mario is being a whiny little bitch this week. I'm fed up with this task. It's got fuck all to do with reality, housemate interaction, or anything that Big Brother is all about. IT'S BULLSHIT.
I thought it was odd John James was saying something positive and it turned out it was just the start of the music video! The video was quite funny actually, as long as Ben was in shot anyway. Ben is a LEGEND. A real one, not like Raoul Moat. Josie looked cute. Rachel gets on my nerves, she's so relentlessly chirpy.
Ben does sound a bit like Simon Cowell.
Andrew Stone you have been evicted. PLEASE leave the Big Brother house. Please.
Dave is being a total dick this week. Burn him!
I think Josie is being a bit unfair flirting with Andrew, especially when she fancies John James so much, and Andrew is so clearly a virgin.
Three new housemates! They are getting desperate. I wouldn't trust that house to pick an outfit, let alone three people to entertain me.
Why are they bothering with this Keever interview? You walked. You don't deserve the Davina treatment. What is she wearing? A leotard and a shawl? Davina looks haggard. Eat a sandwich, you look like Skeletor.
I want the housemates to get a good booing when they come out those doors, nothing else. Oh dear, this is a car crash. Should have gone for John James and Josie instead. IS CORIN BUZZING? ARE YOU LOVING IT? Andrew looks like he's been put through a washing machine. He's pallid!
What's a USP? Not a good start. God, they look like a right rag-tag brood.
Jo seemed quite nice. Josie won't let her in. JJ looks like a puppet with a scunt on. Megan seemed quite nice. Joel: not so sexy. Laura is bubbly. She looks skinny to me. I like Sam! More geeks please. Don't think he'll get in though.
Tension! John James seems to have just picked whoever he wanted! I think I would have picked the other three exactly.
They should have picked the big black guy, I reckon. They definitely picked the wrong blonde girl. Steve had the deciding say! There's going to be trouble. Cue much thumb-sucking. It feels like we're back to square one!

Big Brother 11: Take me to the hospital

Some thoughts from last night too as I was out dahn the pub like some sort of normal person. I don't buy Keeley's sowwweee act for a minute. Josie made herself look cheap by not saying goodbye to Keever. Keever was cool whilst leaving. At least she said goodbye, which is more than Shabby did. John James crying over it must have stuck in Josie's craw. Don't cry, crab eyes. Put your little pincer in mine, I'll make it alright. Josie's counselling skills were poor. My friend still wants Josie to win! WHY??? She's hopeless!
Rachel's 'romance' doesn't right true since she nominated Ben, therefore she's not interesting again. Another utterly pointless person in there.
I don't care who goes out of Rachel, Corin or Keeley. The newbies didn't take it in very good spirit.
Spider scamper task! Rachel's still going! Mean. I've seen a new side to her today (well, yesterday). She's not upset about her friend being hurt. She's upset because she's unpopular.
How can Keeley put John James up now he's helped her to the diary room after her itty bitty accident? Hehe. John James is a legend.
Oh, it's have a go at Ben time. Blah. John's been spoiling for an argument since Keever left.
Oh Steve and Keeley's emotional farewell, it's like Romeo and Juliet. Hurting your ankle is a bugger, though.
WHY ARE THEY GIVING ANDREW HIS EXAM RESULTS? He's in the Big Brother house, he's not meant to have contact with the outside world. Oh, I give up. What's Andrew studying anyway?
It's got to the point where I don't even care if John and Josie have a snog now. They are dead to me! Why is he extracting that information from her in such great detail and then saying he doesn't fancy her? He's created that situation from start to finish. His threats to leave are about as genuine as his hair colour.
NEXT show. Sorry, those 'few notes from yesterday' got a bit out of hand.
Argh, Glee. I can't stand musical theatre, singing, dancing, musicals, Pineapple Dance Studios or any of that bullshit. The only glee I like is 'all manner of it' in Meds by Placebo.
Couldn't they even have afforded Louis Spence? This whole Glee/ Don't Stop Believing link up makes me even more suspicious that channel Five is going to buy Big Brother. They are always pushing Big Brother on Live from Studio Five too.
Andrew Stone: even less famous than H from Steps, who was essentially just a stepladder for Donny Tourette (I know, who?)
Mario vs Ben: Mario is so pompous sometimes! Why is Dave shit-stirring? Zzzz.
Eek this singing is rough.
John James sounded like Jason Donovan compared to the others.
We have got our EYE on Steve in the Big Brother house and he's not got his eye in whilst Keeley's not there. Bet it's back in once she hobbles back. Fact. He could carry a note more than some of the others though.
Ben, try smiling when they announce evictions have been cancelled, it might help you out next week. It's a shame it got cancelled on the one week when I would have been happy to see all of them go.
I don't want Big Brother to force Josie and John James to get it on for some Glee rubbish. It's stupid. Even Mario thinks so. Ha, bet they're gutted Steve got picked instead.
My boyfriend just called Andre out as being Tamwar from Eastenders. It's so true!
I'm glad I wrote a blog yesterday as there's fuck all to write about tonight; it's all 100% flim-flam.
If that's John James not leading Josie on, I'd hate to see him giving her the cold shoulder. A girl would be called a prick-tease. John is just John being John! Grr.
Imagine living with someone that long and not even knowing they had a dead husband. Weird.
Dave is about as popular as herpes. Quite popular, yet still very unwelcome.
ARGH STOP SINGING.
Tamwar is mad for Josie! Only because she's more likely to get off with him than Keever was. He's quoting journals; long-distance relationships don't work. Ouch.
I bet Steve is so happy to be patronised by some twat off of Sky. I liked Andwar ripping into him.
Two BBs in one day is punishment! Give me the respect I d-e-s-e-r-v-e.

Big Brother 11: Night Keever

So Keever's left. And Josie's kingdom has crumbled to dust. I'm sad Keever's gone. Surely Josie's chances of winning left with her?
I'm just imaging Ben in the army. Ace.
Josie has gone so far down in my estimation it's untrue. She was no match for Keever's effortless sexiness. I was watching a bunch of live feed today, and Keever just looks naughty ALL THE TIME! She's just smirking, basically. It would probably have driven me mad, too.
Andrew nominating one of his own newbies?! Boo hiss! Corin nominating Keever. Every day IS a drag when you're cool! It's the antithesis of buzzing. Nominating Rachel because she's her competition, I reckon.
Dave being put in a compromising position by Keever. In your dreams, dude. Sexist cunt.
Keeley is right; John James should smile more. I don't mind Keeley. At least she provokes.
Josie: Keever can jump on anyone she likes with nothing on. You can't stop her.
OK I take back what I said about Keeley. Why should Keever 'take Dave into consideration' before she has a laugh? She didn't even get her boobs out! Remember Bex, Makosi, that plastic Irish idiot? Remember Kinga? They could have shown Dave a thing or two.
Glad Mario nommed Josie.
What! Rachel is nominating Ben? I thought she fancied him! Bedgate. Just share, it'd be easier.
Rachel got quite a lot of nominations. Notice Steve didn't nominate Keeley. His wife must be fuming. Have we got to put up with another week of Dave now? Fuck me.
Rachel: 'it's women's fault men cheat'. Oh God.
John James, I don't think Keeley is interested in talking to you, so no worries, mate. That house is so full of sexists now, it makes me sick.
I wondered why Keever was wearing a badge with 'winner' on it on the live feed. Tight off! Josie and Andrew aren't similarly sized! My boyfriend just said 'Corin looks like she's been hit with a poker in the face'.
What a punishment for John and Josie! Touching each other up! Cheap. And it encourages bad behaviour.
LOL to Keeley calling Steve up for always being the referee or adjudicator in tasks! Next she'll be taking the mick out of his metal leg. And calling John 'Captain Drama' is good.
Dave calls Keever 'the daughter of darkness'. Cool. Josie, stop being so desperate. It's tragic. People are allowed to flirt.
I don't blame Keever for choosing love over the Big Brother house. Love is better. Big Brother should have just told her that her boyfriend was happy for her to stay, they virtually trapped John James in there.
How Dave can justify getting naked in there after the way he spoke about Keever is a mind-boggling hypocrisy that only a Christian could get away with.
I hate them geeing Josie up at the detriment of Keever.
Is the Lord's sign for Keever the spray-tanned cross on Dave's bloated body? You look like a fucking hot-cross bun with a willy.
Keever wasn't even slagging off Steve! Keeley is a knob. She wasn't even slagging anyone off. Keeley was earwigging in that conversation. ARGH. How annoying Keever has left now.
For personal dignity; try not going in the Big Brother house.

Big Brother 11: The opposite of buzzing

Oh God. It's like Groundhog Day in that house. It's all jealousy, possessiveness, creepiness and threats to leave. There's not even any romance. Not really.
Did Keever just say she needs to do a nervous shit? Goodness me. Is she yacking? Oh dear. I cant work out of she's really embarrassed or just faking it.
Is that really STEVE PASSING JUDGEMENT on people's conduct in that house? That is really rich.
I get the impression Keever AND Josie are both loving this. Much more than us viewers anyway. I wish we had someone to really champion this year. I feel like I can't be doing with any of 'em.
This mic switching off thing is bullshit. Can't they get someone to lipread it? Come on, for fuck's sake. It's just the same old shit anyway. John James brain-cam; nope, nothing going on in there, no matter how close you get.
I don't care what John James says; he loves it too. He is lapping it up.
Rachel imaging Ben on a grand piano! LOL! I'm not sure he fancies her, but he might get desperate enough in there. I reckon he'd get off with her just to be polite.
I really like Keever's hair right now. I want to look like a boy in an 80s band, too.
Mario's t-shirt is nice with the butterflies on.
Oh, Josie. Why SHOULDN'T John James like you? You're both totally psycho. Sounds like a match made in heaven. You'll never get a bloke with that attitude. Actually, you're worth a lot more than him, nice teeth or not.
Ah. Keeley's backing off now Steve's been sniffing her pillow! But she was in the diary room with him going 'we're Posh and Becks'. Keeley's been out with a footballer... how tedious. Is Steve going to nominate Keeley tomorrow? Bet he does. Yeah, that's fool the wife.
Food fight... always ends in a ruck. I love the fact everyone is in party dresses and Josie is in a rank old man's dressing gown. John James's dancing was funny.
Keever looks hot tonight. Josie must be seething. Love Ben and Rachel's paralytic cuddling.
Josie is not whiter than white to be calling Keever cruel. I've heard Josie slag off most people in that house, and she was pretty cruel to John James when he was threatening to leave.
Dur, you're not allowed to say you want to be nominated! Josie should stop slagging Keever, it's just driving her into John James's arms. Keever is getting off on it. Keever is a man/ woman eater. She takes no prisoners. I'd be scared of her around MY boyfriend!

Big Brother 11: The ocean of hypocrisy

First blog I missed last night! Sowwee. I was in not fit state. I thought John James was on fire last night; he stuck it to absolutely everyone. I think he definitely does fancy Josie; his face lit up when that parrot said Josie fancied him. Why didn't they make the parrot repeat when Steve said about Keeley being poison? I didn't like Keeley having a pop at John James either, he's providing more entertainment than her and her creepy showmance.
DAVE IS A HYPOCRITE! He was laughing his head off when Mario stripped (again) and got his gigantic balls out (allegedly, we've still not seen them). SOMEONE CALL HIM OUT! I hate him so much. Keever should have sent him packing last week. So much for love for everyone. Everyone except women.
Josie Lee Collins is being an absolute arsehole. YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT WITH JOHN JAMES! He is NOT YOUR PROPERTY. I like the fact Keever is putting the cat amongst the pigeons. I'm tired of the bullshit; get it on or fuck off. It's tiresome.
Keever: 'let's get our tits out tonight!' Have you noticed how since Keeley entered the house, Steve has started wearing his glass eye. Just saying.
Josie is starting to do a Michelle Bass. She really needs to reign herself in before she goes gaga. She is making an absolute tool of herself.
Josie, I hope Keever pisses in your ocean, you bitter old shrew. Why not try getting off with John James rather than arguing with him every day? I have mainly been on her side up to now, but she has lost it today. She has lost all sense of perspective.
What is Steve on about oceans, too? I think there's been an oil slick in that ocean. I'm sure his wife will be delighted to know he feels jealous over someone he called poison and who's been in the house about ten minutes.
Andrew was brave to stand up to John James about the hat issue. Josie is pushing Keever and John closer together with her loopy behaviour.
Why is Steve crying? Is it because he's pissing his marriage up the wall? STOP DOING IT THEN.
Aw, Ben is so cute. I wish he could win it. He might not be a 'team player' but he's actually much more decent than all of them put together. He gets a really hard time. Shirley Bassey though? Just come out of that closet, Ben.
I had to fast forward Corin's singing but I think Ben's face said it all. Did they really just spend three minutes on that? Misjudged.
OMG did Rachel just say she was attracted to Ben?! Ha, and then Mario flounced off! That house is so full of creepiness and jealousy at the moment that it could combust at any minute. I'd love to see Ben and Rachel get it on, it would be hilarious.
John James is lying, he DOES fancy Josie now, he just doesn't want to admit it. Drop the brother and sister thing. I don't go on like that with my brother. It would be SICK. Sick!

Big Brother 11: It should have been me!

Bit drunk tonight so blog results may vary. Also have friends round so they have a responsibility to help!
Is this cougar thing still ongoing? WHY IS DAVE STILL IN THERE? My friends are giving me NOTHING!
I wish I could fly... right up to the sky, but I can't (you can) I can't.
These highlights are shit.. it's not my fault.. it's this superheroes shit. I never liked The Incredibles either. Or the Dark Knight. But these special effects are better than Twilight.
Shopping list! Is this a highlight? Keeley looks sour. She must need some moisturiser or something. Beef cubes! Yum yum.
I like Josie's excessive use of the word 'cunt'. Keever seems like she's a third wheel in the Josie/John James saga. It's like Twilight, but uglier. That's my second mention of Twilight.
Andrew and Keeley taking the mick out of Corin! Hehe. Surely Ife's gonna go though? Right?
Andrew telling John James to back off was funny!
2nd show. I don't think this is going to get any better, I'm afraid. Worse, if anything.
I never knew Mario was so into designer clothes; he looks like he's dressed straight outta Primark. That parrot thing looks good.
Psychologeeeeeee! Look at Judi James's teeth, dude. Give her Polo.
Bye Ife. I'm not sorry. See ya later. Keever looks nice in her gold vest.
I don't like her 'straight-outta-Holloway' outfit.
Ahh they're showing the person their best bits now! The producers DO read my blog.
I don't like Ife's blue eyeshadow. Is she blubbing? See, showing them the best bits is good. She looks a bit boss-eyed. I think it's the eyelashes.
Do you think they've cut the end section where people call in? I hope so.
I'm glad she came out bald. I don't like her wigs.
Haha, I like this caller sticking it to Ife. She is a dullard.
Treedom! Josie's hair looks nice. No one in invested in getting Ben's suitcase back! Fuck him. I want a Ben wig. John James looks good in it. Ben: 'you all look very nice'. I like it when he puts mascara on! Ben FTW.
Apologies for this blog, I haven't just let you down, I've let my country down.

Big Brother 11: I can't bear Bisto

Sorry I'm late, I went to writing group tonight, and now I'm using those skills right here. Aren't you lucky? Corin's waist is TINY! None of them know what cougar is a euphemism for. I don't think Josie is much bigger than a 14, she's just pear-shaped. Dave is idiotic to say that to her. I don't think he said it with malice but he should know better.
Keever, why DIDN'T you put Dave up? Epic fail.
Who is the cougar? Davina, I reckon.
Corin's outfit makes me ashamed to be female. Superhero? Super sexist, more like. This task is perverse. I liked her stopping to put lipstick on. 'I don't give a shit if my eyebrows wipe off' as she snogs an ice-sculpture's waist.
Did Josie just say 'what's the matter with you, cunts?' I certainly hope so. They shouldn't put this dangerous shit into Josie's head about John James fancying her. It can only end in tears.
Since when did Corin like Ben?! I feel like I've missed something.
Love the fact Ben gets out first. He is so camp in those tiger pants.
Keeley HAS got a good arse. Wow. Four foot eleven! That's smaller than me. Loved Josie's comment of 'I wish she'd bugger off'. Funny! I'd like to drive that little blue car.
Mario: 'I'd better get back to my hos!' He needs to jerk off, for real. He's getting out of control. He'll be straight within the week.
Ife is such a shit stirrer. She is the one who pushed Shabby into telling Keever, and started that shit snowball. She's like Cilla Black gone wrong.
Alloy vera! That's what Desperate Dan uses for face cream.
Oh god, this whole Josie thing makes me feel terrified. She's going to get so hurt. The second she confesses she fancies him, he holds all the cards, and she loses her appeal. It's going to end up in a bloodbath.
Rachel looks quite good in that purple wig.
Urgh, that food looks like vomit.
As predicted, Ife sticks her claw in. Oh God, now Keever's going to tell him. John James isn't saying no! His crab eyes are on overtime.
Look at John James's bling! DOES he fancy her? Maybe it's one of those situations where he doesn't want to admit it because he's embarrassed to admit it in front of his friends. He could easily have shut that conversation down, but he prolonged it! Curiouser and curiouser...

Big Brother 11: Miffy Ife

That's weird they started the show with night time stuff. Steve is just showing off in front of his new girlfriend.
Ben is NOT a morning person. I don't like Dave and Keever's new-found friendship, it's sinister.
If Keeley is pocket poison, then Steve is a rat lapping that shit up.
Ife is not going to participate in the save and replace! Good. We can vote her out this week then.
Ben needs his beauty sleep! I reckon he needs at least ten hours.
What the FUCK is going on with Steve and Keeley? If I was his wife, I'd be worried. I feel like we've missed something. My boyfriend thinks they know each other. I'm glad she's brought out that side of him as he was doing less than fuck all before.
What's Corin come as; Michael Jackson? My boyfriend said she looks like she's decaying. I like Keever's hair today, she looks like a boy dressed up for a job interview. She's a feisty one!
I hope Keever saves herself! Shoot Ife! Shoot her dead. Or in the eye. Yay, she won! Love it.
Mario's up, so Ife's a goner. Can't believe Keever didn't put Dave up. That was a golden opportunity to get him out.
Ife must know she's fucked now. Mario's alright about it! He's all good. Honest. If she wanted to put up someone who was definitely safe, why didn't she choose Steve? Ah, Ife just said the exact same thing.
I like seeing the Nathan/ Ife/ Corin trilogy crumbling. It could EASILY have gone the other way. This show would be a disaster without Ben.
What is John James on about; I've never even seen him talk to Corin!
Mario is so desperate now I think he'd get off with Andrew given the chance. Aw, bless Andrew's never kissed a girl.
Mario you are not Big Brother! Stop setting secret missions. He is getting off on this. It's untoward.
You could just do anything in that house and pretend it's a secret task, just call everyone cunts and blame Big Brother.
John James not happy about Josie and Keever threatening to kiss! Who'd have thought it?
What is John James problem with Ben right now? He's mega grumpy.
Well, it's confirmed. Steve is a perv. So is my boyfriend who said 'don't you think Ben had a big packet?' !!!
Rachel looks creeped out. Steve is protesting too much! So are him and Keeley going to get off with each other or what? Blergh!

Big Brother 11: Chemical Cloche

Why is Steve mauling that young woman? He was lying on her yesterday, too. She must be delighted.
That Come Dine with Me dude seems even more irritating than usual! This first fifteen minutes have been boring as fuck. Can someone knock up some Krabby Patties, in that kitchen. If Big Brother had a brain, they'd make them cook some crab (eyes optional) and make them all walk sideways for the day.
Ooh Steve is bearing his teeth a bit! He's going to squash that pocket rocket by cuddling her to death.
Nominations (thank god). I'm glad the new housemates can't nominate! Ben: nominating Ife for a lack of humour is spot on. And he's nominating the war hero! For not being a team player... by snoring! He's not doing it deliberately.
Yay another nomination for Ife. Ife does like the sound of her own boring voice. The more Irish Keever comes, the more I like her.
Ooh, Keever's gold glittery hoodie is nice. I like her when she's being all cool and bitchy. Corin saying Keever didn't think about her decision to put Nathan up; I wouldn't have thought it required much thought. Idiot monkey face who pushed Shabby into leaving; done deal.
Dave is scared of Ife! It's probably because she's black. And Corin for a side of her he's not seen yet. Uh? Surely Keever would be the obvious choice for him.
Oh, Ife. I think a good rim job might do you good, love. BTW, stop nominating Ben.
Can't believe everyone's nominating Ife, I thought she'd slip under the radar for weeks. I like the way voting is going right now. Getting Nathan our was instrumental in this.
I'm surprised Josie and John James didn't get more nominations. Mario lays the blame squarely at Josie's feet (because he fancies John James).
Keeley is bringing out a new side of Steve; Steve under pressure, being nudged off his perch a bit. It reminds me of Vinnie Jones a bit; the confident daddy getting his feathers ruffled. But he also seems to have a soft spot for her; it's odd (but at least he's doing something interesting at last).
If you've never seen Come Dine With Me, you must think this part is really weird. It's really rubbish, either way.
Mario is so pious lately, I can see why he's getting on with Ife right now. He's giving it the whole 'I'm 28...' bullshit too. Mario doesn't know himself, in my opinion, he seems lost to me. Poor Andrew. You will feel joy in the Big Brother house... somehow.
First Steve starts crab-eye gate, and now he says Keeley has 'toad-like feet'. I hate to say pot kettle black but pot kettle black. Then he slapped her on the arse! WTF. Gross. I guess this is what new housemates are for; bringing out things in the old housemates you didn't expect.
Mario is so creepy. It's a shame as he's sexy and quite lovely (if a little boring) but he could sexualise a rotting corpse. I know they've been in there a while, but crikey.
Steve is like a dirty old man all of a sudden. It's gross. Let's see if Keeley likes that banter when it's him slobbering all over her in the night.
I hate to say it but I missed all the crab talk tonight. Pleased with the nominations though. Vote Ife.

Big Brother 11: Crabby Creek

Crab eyes! If I hear the words 'crab eyes' one more time I'm going to slice John James into crab sticks. Not that crab sticks have crab in them. What sort of insult is crab eyes anyway? It makes no sense. It's like something a five-year-old would say.
Aw, Andrew has a crush on Josie. Josie is the femme fatale in that house. Who'd have thought it? Andrew, they only like you because you're new, they're not actually going to get off with you.
Crab eyes count: 8
Josie is being HARD! I can't freeze people out like that, I just give up and go 'oh alright then' after ten minutes. I don't blame her though. It's hard because they're BOTH in the wrong in some ways. I know something; I don't want to hear about it all show.
Andrew shouldn't be able to talk about what the others look like on TV! I don't like it. The new housemates have unsettled her and now she's got the hump.
Oh Josie LEAVE IT OUT. You wouldn't let it lie. She's getting worse than John James for harping on about the same fucking thing. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets a few nominations after this, she's being an absolute tool.
John James bawling in the diary room! He's going to make her PAY for this shit. Do you know what, maybe he'll learn his lesson this time.
God gave Dave his virginity back. It's literally a miracle that more than one woman slept with him.
Josie is acting like Kevin the teenager. I can see why she's got her hood up. It's pathetic everyone intervening. I'd like to bang both their heads together.
I don't like hearing girls use the word pussy pejoratively, it makes me feel ashamed to be female.
John's packing up his old kit bag and checking the camera is watching. Just like when my boyfriend has a row with me and buggers off. Except he can't anymore. Cos he lives here! LOL.
Mario: 'you're not going are you?' as John James packs his bags. I like the way Mario uses everyone's vulnerability as an excuse for a quick perv. Bright Eyes wrote a song about this very conversation that said: 'Always so eager to pack my bags... when I really want to stay.' John is crying because he's lost his power over Josie. I like seeing a grown man cry. It's sexy.
Never has a truer word been spoken than Ben saying, 'John James can give it out but can't take it.'
John James manipulating Josie from the diary room! And she KNOWS it!
Josie is dealing with this situation SO badly. You can't laugh at John James, he will stab you in your sleep. Or pincer you.
Why can't she just back down and give him a fucking cuddle?
Big Brother is manipulating this situation quite well, making them have a giggle in the diary room. It's like they are the mummy tricking them into liking each other again.
Oh they're arguing again. Josie doesn't seem bothered if he goes. I reckon she'll nominate him tomorrow. I'd like to see a John James/ Josie head-to-head. I reckon old crab eyes would have it. Josie is showing a very unpleasant side to her personality. And the thing that tipped her over the edge was that chin comment. Girls do not like having their chins commented on! Believe me, I know.
NB to John James: a really good way to make people call you crab eyes for the rest of your life is to throw a tantrum about it that lasts 48 hours. I'm making my crab eyes banner as we speak.

Big Brother 11: Without Josie, I'm nothing

Oy, skippy. I liked the Australia facts task John was set.
Did Keeley go in the house and announce she 'dated footballers'?! John James refused to look at her when he was talking to her. You can tell he can't stick her.
Keeley: 'I don't look my age'; even if she does say so herself. She does look like a hard-faced cow, though. Liked John under-cutting her even though he knew how old she was.
How long before they slag Keeley off for tidying up? I give it five minutes.
Andrew is house geek, bless him. I liked his self-effacing about Mario hoping he was gay.
Why DO people shave their eyebrows off? And draw them back on again? WHY?!
Josie has no reason to be jealous of Keeley.
LOL to the tree calling John James 'thick boy'. John: 'who do you think you are, Alf Stewart or something?' That whole exchange was quality.
I thought John was cheating on the task a bit. Him and the tree are like best buddies now.
I'm taking bets now on if John's friend has got dreadlocks. There's no point even moaning about the 'contact with the outside world' thing now- that shark has well and truly pole-vaulted.
Ben's Bristol accent leaves a lot to be desired. 'She's not hot but she's got a driving licence!' God, where would the house be without him!?
Andrew's pointing at Josie's arse... I'd like to say you can't miss it, but it's too cruel. Andrew: 'I'm a sloth in the bedroom.' Andrew gives it back a bit too, he's not just the weak link, I think he could have quite a sharp tongue once he's settled.
I wonder if John James's family told him to behave himself. They should have!
Keeley reminds me of someone you work with who really rubs you up the wrong way.
John? Cruising for an argument? NEVER! Poor Josie. She doesn't know whether he's coming or going with him; it'd be my worst nightmare to have a crush on someone like that. In fact, I've been in a relationship with someone like that, and you end up doubting your own sanity.
Josie is being DRAINED by John James. He's really hurt her I think by being so personal. This makes me feel so sad for some reason. It's like if the planets faced a different way; they could live happily ever after. But they're doomed.
Why is John James so insecure about his looks? He's very handsome. Imagine if he looked like Andrew! He's right though; we are just born like this. It's just a lottery.
I don't think John James fancies Josie, but he's very dependant on her. I think she has looked after him in some ways.
I'm glad Josie will stand up to him, but I'm not good at holding a grudge in an argument myself. I crack after ten minutes. John does needs putting in his place. I think that's why he likes her; she's the only one who dares say 'no' to him.
Corin: Buzz off.

Big Brother 11: Babylon Groo

Put your eyebrows on, Corin, and stop slagging Ben off. NB. She draws them on beautifully. I wish she'd come round and do my eyeliner. Ben wanted Nathan to stay because he cooks. He needs to recruit a new slave.
They've sent in the new house mates early this year, I think, which is quite telling about the calibre of the current crop, not that the new ones looked any better. My boyfriend is griping that they didn't put the housemates in isolation- that ship has long sailed.
This Mcdonalds advert makes me ANGRY. Wi-fi types just passing by- keep passing, you cunts.
LOVE John James digging Corin out. Corin having a go at John James because she thinks he's leaving tonight. Dickheads! Bolt-ons! Jog on! This is an intelligent argument. I'm expecting it to go 'you know you are, you said you are, but what am I?'
STOP SAYING DICKHEAD, Corin.
Corin is YOUNGER THAN ME! Look at her face. She looks like she's been fucking GRILLED! Shut up, idiot.
Urgh my boyfriend just said Corin's boobs are nice; they look like two rotting oranges that have been stuck on to her. WHY ARE THEY SHOWING SO MUCH OF HER IN THE DIARY ROOM? Enough already.
John James is the biggest wind-up merchant on the planet. He's got EXACTLY what he wants.
Let's look at Corin's miserable boiled face when Nathan goes! LOL. I missed him tripping up the stairs, class.
Team Corin and Ife are looking shaky now! Very, very shaky.
Keever looks quite sexy tonight. Did Keeley really just tell them to tidy up?! Nice.
Andrew told us nothing about himself. I know something. He's a geek.
Rachel is getting on my nerves already. Keever looks like someone just let off a stink bomb. John James looks anxious, too.
Keeley pretending she doesn't know what they do; she knows full well what they do.
I love the fact Keever and Dave have a cuddle because they have a new common enemy now: the new people! Brilliant. It's just a fear of the unknown.
Ben is so MEAN slagging off Andrew for saying he likes Terminator. I don't think I've ever seen a house round on the newbies so quickly. It was glorious! They are always begging for new people; now they hate them!
The newbies are going to be recruited by Corin and Ife into a powerhouse of desperation. Give them the bed that tips up in the morning!
Ben slagging off other people for having bad manners! That's rich. Imagine getting nicknamed Cruella 30 minutes after entering a house!
I don't like those new people slagging off Keever.
Fag-butt pilfering! It's as traditional on Big Brother as much as shopping list wars.
Keeley is really making an awful impression on everyone! Hate-figure time!
John James could be with us for a while, I think. Bonza.

Big Brother 11: Davina of Devastation

TOOHOT!
Davina's going to be talking to Shabby? What's the point, she's old news. I know there's new housemates going in. I wasn't impressed with their photos.
Vote out the man-chimp!
Oh god, not more robot bullshit. Someone take the batteries out, please, Johnny five.
That was creepy when the robot gave Dave a message from his wife.
I liked Steve's joke about Ben being little Lord Fauntleroy. Hitler! Ben loves to defend the indefensible. I like that about him. It's nice to hear them talk politics in the Big Brother house. Oooh! Steve giving it to Ben was quite good. He's had his legs blown off, so he is entitled to have a strong view on war. Ben should appreciate that.
Dave vs Keever! Ding ding. The devil and the deep blue sea. Keever is just starting on him, to be fair. But I don't blame her.
Steve attacked that task with gusto. Nathan criticising the egg whisking- zzz. Read it and weep, battery man.
SO MANY ADVERTS. I wonder if Raoul Moat will be dead by the end of this blog?
John James's impression of Corin was pretty spot on.
Urgh Dave don't talk with your mouthful whilst talking about your wife's skintight catsuit.
Can't believe Ife let Nathan shave her head like that. I wouldn't trust him. It looked cool though.
Aw to Mario and John kissing. I bet John kisses girls like that too.
Part two. Moat's not dead but Gazza has gone to join him. It truly is a loopy old world. It's been a funny week for slebs, what with Ronaldo becoming a single parent, and the People's Princess catching malaria. Only the psychic octopus can save us now.
FUCK SHABBY! Why is she getting an interview of Davina? She should get George Lamb and be damned.
Why did they never show Keever proposing to her boyfriend? Too embarrassing! Saw her boyfriend on BBLB. He wasn't bad.
John James; putting his coat on was the lols. BYE NATHAN. Why are they cheering him? He was one of the most rubbish housemates ever, and that's saying something. they sent him out to Richard Ashcroft; enough said.
Nathan got 89% of the vote! Love it! Long live misogynistic psychopath John James!
Nathan's attitude is disgusting, he speaks to people like dirt but without a hint of a sense of humour. Not sorry to see the back of him. Even callers ringing up to slag him were boring.
New housemates! Keeley. Confident blonde, so no doubt John James will brow-beat the fuck out of her.
Andrew. Enjoys being articulated. He's not lost his virginity, let's be honest.
Rachel (the 2nd). Oh, God, a Liverpool accent. It always makes me think of Sporty Spice. is this really the best they had to offer?
Davina slagging off Keever's hair! I think Keever's hair is cool. Back off.
Mario will like the new housemates going in in a spaceship. Ben won't.
Ife needs to ditch that raggedy old wig fast.
It would have been better if they hadn't used that Bob Righter thing and just sent the spaceship in. The spaceship looked blue peter stylee. Still, they are spending a few quid this year.
Is Mario so desperate he would want THIS guy? ARGH they fucking KNOW THEM! Bullshit.
Sorry this blog sucked. I'm too sweaty to be funny. I just need to chisel myself from the sofa. Slurp!

Big brother 11: Robot bores

I'm having to write this on my mobile phone because BT are cunts, so apologies for brevity/ errors.
Ooh big brother has gone all daft punk! Robot rock. Exterminate the housemates, please. That robot is super cool.
Dave sidestepped that gay/abortion issue quite deftly. I'm glad keever called him out on it.
Ben: 'i'm not selfish at all'. ! !!
Get over it Mario, you'd still fuck him in 2 seconds if he asked. I hate to say it but Ben is right about mario, he IS a bit boring. But I still like him.
This task has been balls so far. I wish I'd stuck with eastenders.
We've got this Brian-molko meds-era megaphone that has a robot switch on it. Big brother has basically got carried away with that.
I like keever sticking up for Ben. She's flourished since shabby's gone. Don't get me wrong, she's got a nasty streak but I kinda like it. The smoothie thing was funnyish.
Corin is getting the 'happy happy house' edit. I hope she gets kicked out the back door like that dullard did.
Dave is ben's bitch! Who else would volunteer for that shit?
I like it when Ben refuses to have a sense of humour about things like the bed and the robot.
That robot voice is getting on my tits. I feel like Stephen hawking has done a celebrity hijack.
Don't bring your opinion to dave, he don't wanna hear it! He might say something that gets him voted out. I knew keever fucked up by slagging corin in front of dave. That will come back and bite her.
Lol to Ben sticking it to steve for being a 'war hero'. No one is safe! I hope bb plays that over the loudspeaker, it would be priceless.
Why won't dave get into it with keever? Because he will unravel like the woolly little little lamb he is. If someone was questioning my beliefs I'd defend them to the death.
This blog was brought to you by my thumbs. Hope you liked it.

Big Brother 11: Dead or alive, you're coming with Caoimhe

God Ife, even your backstory is dull as fuck.
Liked Steve's reaction to the robot: 'alright, big fella'.
If Steve is half-man, half-machine, and Nathan is half-man, half-monkey.
Ooh I like Mario's side parting and glasses look.
LOL to people gasping to John James being up! Of course he's going to be up. He looks worried.
That TV looks like a health and safety ishhhue. Was John James really not trying at the task? I can't work it out.
Is he being a marytr? Why?
BYE BYE NATHAN! That's how quickly the game spins. The Vinnie Jones act isn't going to save you now. I genuinely couldn't be happier. John James may have played a blinder there; he doesn't get the bad rap plus he doesn't like Nathan, yet Keever gets the blame for putting him up. Aw to Mario hugging him. Mario has got a good heart, even if he is basically boring as hell.
How weird that John James put himself on the block to save Keever. Is he that clever to work out it makes him
look good? He can't be... can he?
I can't wait to see Ife, Nathan and Corin's faces drop on Friday. Well, as Nathan says, everything happens
for a reason. Ta-ra!
I like Josie, John and Keever slagging off Corin, it's funny. ROUGH! Harsh.
Shoes for booze! Josie is so unsubtle. Why would you need more than one pair of shoes in the Big Brother house?
You might as well just wear slippers. Josie: 'I've just had an accident in my pants!'
That's one way to clear the room.
Why is Ife telling Keever what she said about her in the diary room?! Is she an idiot? John James is right though,
it's one person's opinion. the only way that would upset you is if it were true.
John James is being sexy again this week. I've almost forgotten he's a complete psycho.
Josie's been on good form today as well; I liked her ploy of telling John to go to the bathroom and start screaming because the robot moved. John James's attempt at it was pathetic!
Ben: 'it's in girl's nature to be bitchy!'. He can fucking talk!
Josie has got some serious comedy timing. I thought she was going to get her boobs out when she whipped those flip flops out.
Ooh that robot looks kind of cool. Robert cop!

Big Brother: Get your raincloud out of my face

My internet is still not on and this Belkin bullshit is hanging on by a thread. Grrs.
Why is Keever always in cahoots with Mario and Ben lately? I liked Ben comforting her and calling her sweetheart.
Furnishings update: they have the same chest of drawers as us in the BB house. They're quite good those drawers.
It doesn't reflect well on Keever that she didn't walk with Shabby.
Nathan calling Ben a shithead for no reason. Nice.
Shabby: 'I'm not unpopular in real life.' Yeah I bet people love it when they come home to their mansion and find her
and Emilia sitting round writing Levellers lyrics on the back of army jackets and playing a trumpet. I bet they roll out
the red carpet.
Adbreak: go on Barrowman, blow those plastic housewives sky high! Tonight's the night.
I'm glad Keever's staying if she's going to vote out Nathan this week.
Nathan was the straw that broke Shabby's back. Why is Nathan being so belligerent today? Shabby's not even giving it back to him! She's a broken woman.
I want to be a by-product of mischief. It sounds fun.
Aw it was sad the way it ended with Keever and Shabby. They didn't even get to say goodbye.
Keever looks quite sexy today. She's right, Nathan does bully Ben. It doesn't matter if Ben realises it or not, it's still the truth.
Bad atmosphere in the house tonight! I'm done with Corin now. She's an enabler with Nathan. I never saw much in her anyway. She's just got white noise between her ears.
Shabby left in a huff, and that's it. She should have hung on. Shame. Big Brother shouldn't have let her leave in that state.
Ife and Nathan's coupling is as cloying as it is teeth-gnashingly grating.
Nathan, happy go lucky? Happy go cunty more like. Everyone HAS to feel good, on Ife's orders (or else).
Shabby, any last words before you shuffle out of the diary room? I think I might have behaved a bit like Shabby in there (ie. been an idiot) which is why I'd never go in.
OMG are Ben and Dave that stupid to talk about nominations AGAIN! Dur.
I'd like Mario to give me a comforting stroke if I was feeling down. Is Keever really crying? Aw to Josie 'I've got your back'.
John James is getting the Hira edit tonight. Boo.
I just said 'oh my God, what is Josie wearing?' to my boyfriend and he replied, 'Is it Etam's Picasso range?' LOLZ. This is why I'm wrinkly. Because he makes me laugh too much.
How long after Shabby left do you think Keever felt like the weight had been lifted? I reckon about 15 minutes. Sold Shabby down the river almost immediately with her 'lesbian sidekick' comment. Quite sad to see.
Why has Corin got a medusa wig on tonight?
WTF nominations right at the end? I smell a rat. I'm glad Ben voted Ife. Time she got dug out.
I liked Keever's nominations. I'd love to see Nathan and Ife up.
WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING CORIN? Is it because you're a mong? Oh, yeah.
Ugh Dave is anti-choice as well as anti-gay. Knob-end.
Ife, please stick your remorse up your arse, you dullard.
I knew John James was going to noninate Ben. And it's not for anything to do with tasks; it's because he called you an idiot.
Josie frightened of Corin! That really is a thick-off.
Mario nominated Steve! Daring.
Nathan has only tried to 'boost morale'. It's not the fucking army, dude.
Interesting Steve said John James only picks on women! Very good that he noticed that.
Mario's eyebrow raise at Ben's comments on Shabby 'acting like a man' was inspired.
I like the Corin backlash! It's fun. I think I could warm to this Mario/John James/Josie/Keever alliance.
Are these nominations going to stand? I get the feeling they're going to cancel them.
Keever is bold to declare 'Shabby was the most real person in this house' to everyone at dinner. How to win friends!
Liked Ben impersonating John and saying he can have a fight in an empty room.
Keever is doing it for Shabby. BFFs forever. Right?

Big Brother 11: Matress Reloaded

Why is BB on at 8? Now I can’t watch Corrie or Enders! Badness. I have no internet or freeview at the mo so had to try and get my video to work! I didn’t like it. Old technology; you defeated me. New technology: you defeated me.
Is Big Brother even going to work without the swearing? My reality TV buddy JOTV texted me after work to say Shabby had gone walkies. She must have been missing Uncle Biffa. RIP Shabs. You made your mother proud.
So they’re going to buy Steve a new leg, as his current one is on loan. Some seemed keener on that idea than others, didn’t they, Dave. Leg gate! Who did Steve borrow the leg from? The legbrary? I know I wouldn't want to stump up for it! Hohohohohoho.
I liked Mario explaining history to Corin with the use of the ‘big hand’ and the ‘little hand’. Is he going to make sure she eats her dinner with the choo choo train? Mario thinks the Loch Ness Monster is '20 to 30 meters long'. Unconfirmed reports are coming in that Mario's winkie is 3 centimetres long.
Which cause does Ben want to give his imaginary winnings to? Probably restoring Windsor Castle. Or the Raef from The Apprentice benevolent fund. I don't think it's something he needs to worry about too much as he's going to be out this week anyway the way he's behaving.
Do you think we would have got to see the girls flash if it was after 9pm? Or would it have been hidden from us, just like Mario's dinkle? Conspiracy.
God, I hate Ife. She's a total div. Keever and Shabby are 100% tool, don't get me wrong, but the whole situation just stinks of teenage angst. Shabby and Keever being bitter because someone is having fun? No shit. It's a national cunt disco.
Bedgate! Ooh, Corin is getting angry. Back off, she's radioactive.
John James looked like he wanted to be in the bedroom rather than at the party with proud-to-be-a-moron Corin, Neanderthal Nathan, idiot Ife and Saint Steve. Who can blame him? (And this line-up, by the way, is what you've got to look forward to in the final three weeks, mark my words).
Ife's idea of a 'wicked time' and mine is something different. I think Ife thinks she's coming off as some sort of renegade who we're all sitting at home cheering on when actually we just think she's a whingey little turncoat dullard.
Ife STOP BEING SO SANCTIMONIOUS. Careful, Ife, your dignity is getting compromised. I wish Ife was in a fishbowl, being held under. But to be fair to her, she did say quite clearly 'I don't want to talk right now'. So why not just leave her be?
Keever's neck vein looked ready to pop.
Shabby and Keever looked genuinely depressed in the diary room. At least Shabby actually meant it about leaving this time. So what will Keever do when she's gone? Wage war on Ife? Make friends with Ife?
I felt a bit sad watching her go. I don't know why. Oh yeah I do. It's because as much of a dimlo as Shabby was, at least she had a personality. The rest of the house can barely scrape together one between them.

Big Brother 11: Nathan Gnarly

Another day, another task, more contact with the outside world. I HATE these army tasks, they make me cringe.
Oh, Shabby, London doesn't love you back. I thought she was from Milton Keynes anyway? She isn't so proud of the concrete cows.
Ben giving it back to the army guy was quite funny. He did FIVE MINUTES, what more do they want? Haha. I'm glad he put Dave up! Dave's been let off the hook easy so far. He took that quite well, if anything.
Did Dave just go to have a wash in the pool? Urgh.
Shopping list bullshit! Not interested. Vote Nathan out and end his kitchen tyranny. See him give the shopping list up to Josie then stomp off like a complete twat. Dave just wants the men to sort it out. 'Take it outside, ladies'. Shopping is not that difficult.
Keever has been cleaning her teeth for the whole of the highlights. Shabby is SPOILING for a fight.
Oh, Ben. He's not a team player. But at least he's not an uncouth, grunting, rude, ugly, moronic, hairy man-pig like Nathan.
I hate these BBLB tasks! FORMAT FAIL.
Does Keever ever say anything pleasant about anyone? How can someone manage to be so dull and so conceited at the same time?
Look at them scavenging crisps! Hiding them away. RIP Sunshine.
Have you noticed how the majority of the smokers are complete arseholes? Just saying.
Oh Mario, give it a rest. Make up with Ben quick before nomination time. For all the long words he drops into sentences, his emotional intelligence is zero. That make up hug was awkward.
I like the silver sheets! We got silky sheets recently though and it didn't work out so well. Too slippy!
I ask again; why have we never got to see Mario running round naked?! I'm sure he thinks that was his finest hour and it hasn't even been shown.
Aw to Ben not getting his suitcase back. I want to see more of his clobber. I'm sick of all the Ben bashing.
Nathan doesn't like upper class people? NO SHIT. Classist prick. Nathan doesn't know any intelligent people, he probably thinks if you can answer the phone-in quiz on GMTV you're a member of fucking Mensa.
Why IS Nathan so aggressive? Do you think he was dropped on his head as a baby?
John James looks so handsome when he smiles. Shame he's such a numpty. Are him and Josie in love? I can't tell. It feels like it might all end in tears.
Anyway, blah-bluh-bleh, as Morrissey would say.

Big Brother 11: Oh, Ben, don't come to the house tonight

Ouch! Shabby got caught out there slagging Corin. That was bad timing. Stop digging, Shabby. Corin in the diary room is fairly interminable, though. She’s a nice person, but there’s nothing to her.
Ad break: is it a good idea to call a new skin cream ‘emulsion’? What next, Avon creosote?
Shabby’s reaction to Ben’s task was bitter, but kind of right. Let’s face it, nothing is worse than when they sent Charley out, then put her back in again: ‘hell, yeah’.
Nathan never dares saying something nasty to people’s face, it’s always after they’re just after earshot. They bleeped out the insult he said about Shabby; it’s post-watershed, so it must have been bad. Don’t like the cut of his jib.
I liked Ben’s joke about John James, why didn’t that make the final cut?!
Ooh Mario is really getting nasty towards Ben. I wouldn't be surprised if Mario puts him up next week. Ben says being gay would affect his career in America but he 'doesn't think sexuality is important'. Mario, face it, you and Ben aren't going to be chums outside the house. He's putting up with you and that's it.
I always end up feeling sorry for Ben even when he's in the wrong, he's like a lost puppy. He is shallow, but he's fun, you know. He's entertainment. But he pushes his luck with Mario. Mario has been there for him.
The crowd did not have banners up. I reckon they told them not to boo, too. This mobile home joke stinks.
Wow that took them so long to stand up when Ben came back in I thought they'd been told to stay seated.
There were literally p-p-p-p-poker faces from Shabby and Keever when Sunshine went. I bet Shabby can't fucking believe it! Ha, I'm glad Shabby and Keever don't feel appreciated in the house: FYI it's because you're CUNTS.
Ife is always getting involved in other people's business because she's just a dull wisp of a person.
Mario: just accept Ben doesn't fancy you, love! It doesn't mean he's a homophobe or in the closet.
Thought John James was going for a wank in the cupboard. Turns out he just wants Josie to sleep with him. She should tell him, 'if you want to fuck me, let's do it.' She aint going to get a better offer' especially if her other offer is Nathan.
I feel for Mario, but I think he's tying himself up in knots. His issues are mainly to do with himself, not Ben.

Big Brother 11: Goodbye Sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

I don’t really care who goes tonight, which makes for a bit of a dull eviction emotionally. They are all ‘characters’ but none are particularly likeable. If I was in the house I think I'd strangle Sunshine, slap Shabby and just feel annoyed with Keever.
It was hardly like they asked Ben to snog Mario for a task, he only had to do an arm wrestle. He is being a prima donna. Imagine if he'd had Mario's mole task! He wouldn't have got past putting the outfit on. He got away with picking the stand-up role pretty easy. OMG why is he lying to the group about what Big Brother asked him to do?
Ugh that match.com advert was twee-tronising.
This show is dragging so far. This comedy task aint funny.
Sunshine was laughing at the time but she doesn't know why because she didn't find it funny. Well, how is he meant to know that? Sunshine is digging her own grave right here. John having to tell chicken jokes in the middle of their argument was sadistically amusing. That was weird when Josie told him to shut up. They have a very odd relationship.
Who's that person standing next to Davina? Awkward. It's like Courtney Love's assistant filming up her nose with an iPhone.
This lolly task is a waste of lollies. Mmm, lollies.
I don't know if Ife thinks she's making herself look good by detaching herself from Keever and Ife. It doesn't make me think less of her, but it definitely doesn't make me think more of her.
Uh oh, the screen just died. Someone on digital spy said 'have they tried turning it off and on again?' LOL. That was weird that it just came back on and was up to date. Suspicious. Eviction is not live!
Sending Ben out in front of the crowd? This is wrong! This is diluting the brand! There's so many things wrong with this. He gets to see the crowd/ banners etc. He gets to hear a reaction. It's not cool. Big brother has jumped the shark so many times the shark has become extinct.
Ben has come dressed as one of Morrissey's backing band! OMG cringe! Ben is warming to this! His jokes are peculiar. He's got mascara on! I'm surprised he did it.
How weird that Sunshine went after the way Shabby behaved this week. I can't wrap my head around that. Her dress looks nice. I think she looks quite good, actually.
She didn't even get booed. There seems to be quite a friendly crowd tonight.
More technical problems! It's a tight ship they're running this week.
At least Sunshine dealt with the callers quite well. BB is obviously not happy for the housemates to pick the Bob Righter thing as they keep picking nice days. Didn't Ben ALREADY face the wrath of the tree by doing the stand-up?
Interesting that voiceover guy at the end said the loss of vision was nothing sinister! We'll be the judge of that.

Big Brother 11: Who's your favourite European dictator?

I moved house today! Yet still I blog. Why? Who knows. I'm going to bed soon after.
Josie you've admitted fancying John! Stop lying.
Dear Ben, how about not starting sentences with 'one of my favourite European dictators is...' and finishing it with 'he destroyed three orphanages'. Not much of a vote winner. Why are Ben and Dave cuddling like that? It's so weird. Especially when Dave is saying 'stop kissing and cuddling Mario' whilst cuddling him! It's just borderline homophobia. PS. Dave, aliens more likely exist than God.
Mario looks hot today, kind of stubbly. But I don't trust people who don't 'know themselves' tm. Ashleeeeeen.
Ben talking to the tree of temptation was the lolz. 'Hows your father, apples and pears'. Ben loves the word 'dob'.
I like Sunshine being the fly in Josie's ointment.
Every time they've show Ife tonight she's been stuffing her face.
I don't like the way Keever treats Shabby. Shabby overreacts, but Keever does (warning: Jeremy Kyle speak) 'push her buttons'.
Littlejohn has never been more right than when he said, 'you do care, but you don't want to care' to Josie. I still have no idea what their argument was about though. What I do know is, John James is a manipulative piece of shit.
If my best friend carried on with me the way Keever carries on with Shabby I'd fully expect my boyfriend to hand me my P45. Fucked up. She's way out of order.
That feeling where you fall for someone and it makes you want to be a 'better person' lasts roughly around two weeks before you stuff your face with cakes and go kick a small child.
Although Ife is right to tell Keever to watch it, I just can't warm to her. She seems too wishy washy to me and has no clear personality I can hang my hat on.
Ben saying 'is that understood' to the tree was funny.
The way John James carries on with Sunshine does remind me of how my brothers used to treat me (but without the sexual undertones).
Mario to Sunshine: 'we're here and not in the mirror'. LOL. I like her silky outfit.
Random thought: What did Josie get for her special day?
Oh Sunshine, shut up about being a doctor. Never had the phrase 'it's all going to end in tears' rang so true. She was laughing her head off at the time. Sunshine gets on my wick.
'Big Brother is concerned about you and wants one of your friends to come to the diary room.' What is this shit?
Beware, Littlejohn, she's going to have you up on a rape charge next. Mario was very kind to her, kinder than she deserves. She is encouraging her own eviction here.
I can't believe John James got bollocked for having a joke with Sunshine yet Big Brother let Shabby go on the rampage like a fucking animal the other day.
Bed.