Oh my god! Why isn't Harry Hill on at the moment? That was the best quote ever, and I just know Harry would have made up that card along with 'I'm sorry your husband got beaten to a pulp'. What the fuck is Sir Alan on? I think he's lost his mind! Maybe he forgot to take his grumpy pills and just went mental.
So to start with he put the two bumbling idiots in charge, the male Nikki-Grahame and Matt Lucas. The ideas for the cards were truly bloody awful... the flaws were pretty obvious for all to see. What sort of prick would send someone a card (of all things) preaching about the environment?
I'm especially loving Rafe at the moment, he's AMAZING. Everything he says is pure gold. He looked in his element when Myleene was playing the piano, I bet he slipped her some smooth lines later. I liked it when he stuck up for Sara at the end too, I have no idea why everyone was having a go at her, Jenny should clearly have gone, the witch-faced harridany old hag. Matt Lucas deserved to get the boot for not taking her into the boardroom with him (and for bragging about his Porsche). Fair enough all either Alex or Sara do is mill about looking pretty, but that'll do me. A least they are not complete bastards.
Claire is particularly awful as well, just wholly unlikeable in any way. I quite like the Irish woman now too.
But anyway. I'm off to buy a 'I'm sorry your boyfriend got dragged under the wheels of a bendy bus' card. Because THAT is relevant to today's world, right, Alan?
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Big Brother USA- The Final
Well, what a weird final. A strange crowd of drones (they may as well have been Mii characters) assembled outside the Big Brother gingerbread house. Where was the baying mob? The banners? Where was Davina? Oh, there she was, advertising hair-dye in the break. Subtle.
It was quite funny when the housemates got to grill Adam and Ryan- Adam started to go a bit manic and lose it, but him offering to give a load of the cash to charity was definitely wise. Ryan sounded much less convincing. I enjoyed Chelsia seemingly turning into a bizarre caricature of herself, but she did ask the pertinent question to Ryan- why would you love someone who branded you a racist on telly?
And were they or weren't they alluding to the Natalie/Matty blowjob? It was probably something else entirely.
And so Adam won, with 6 votes to 1, only Joshuah voted for Ryan to win; as usual, completely out of whack with the rest of the house (but that's why we liked him!)
I'm glad Sheila stayed loyal to Adam. I was hoping he would win, because I didn't want Ryan (or Jen!) to get their hands on half a million bucks. Jen's boobs looked horrible in that dress, all muscly and unfeminine.
And that was that. Adam got half a million, Ryan got 50,000 dollars, which isn't bad losing money. They even gave James 25K at the end for having the most lurid denim and the crappiest tattoos in history. They clearly have money to burn in America- next time- get a new host, that one is really fucking weird.
All in all, this has been the best thing on telly all year by a country-mile, something to genuinely get excited by, and consistently entertaining. It's just a shame hardly anyone watched it.
I'm sure our BB is going to die on it's arse this year by comparison. I wish the producers would take a look at this show, nick some of the tasks, and pick some seriously machiavellian contestants. Oh and then do vote to save instead of evict, then we lose the boring fuckers instead of the loveable bastards.
Just put me in charge and everything will be alright, basically. Vote me!
It was quite funny when the housemates got to grill Adam and Ryan- Adam started to go a bit manic and lose it, but him offering to give a load of the cash to charity was definitely wise. Ryan sounded much less convincing. I enjoyed Chelsia seemingly turning into a bizarre caricature of herself, but she did ask the pertinent question to Ryan- why would you love someone who branded you a racist on telly?
And were they or weren't they alluding to the Natalie/Matty blowjob? It was probably something else entirely.
And so Adam won, with 6 votes to 1, only Joshuah voted for Ryan to win; as usual, completely out of whack with the rest of the house (but that's why we liked him!)
I'm glad Sheila stayed loyal to Adam. I was hoping he would win, because I didn't want Ryan (or Jen!) to get their hands on half a million bucks. Jen's boobs looked horrible in that dress, all muscly and unfeminine.
And that was that. Adam got half a million, Ryan got 50,000 dollars, which isn't bad losing money. They even gave James 25K at the end for having the most lurid denim and the crappiest tattoos in history. They clearly have money to burn in America- next time- get a new host, that one is really fucking weird.
All in all, this has been the best thing on telly all year by a country-mile, something to genuinely get excited by, and consistently entertaining. It's just a shame hardly anyone watched it.
I'm sure our BB is going to die on it's arse this year by comparison. I wish the producers would take a look at this show, nick some of the tasks, and pick some seriously machiavellian contestants. Oh and then do vote to save instead of evict, then we lose the boring fuckers instead of the loveable bastards.
Just put me in charge and everything will be alright, basically. Vote me!
Newsflash: 24 Years Underground
Secret doors have been everywhere lately. The Orphanage springs to mind. Then last week at my writing group someone read out something about a secret door with a creepy doll coming through it. Maybe it was a premonition about the story no one could have missed by now, of the Austrian girl Elisabeth Fritzl (now a middle-aged woman) kept in a cellar for 24 years and repeatedly raped by her own father.
I was in a shop today and someone made a joke about it. A joke about someone who had been kidnapped, sexually abused and put in prison, for an eternity, for nothing. Someone who had had one child die on her, and three snatched from her, whilst not being able to protect the ones who stayed with her. Ha ha. I went, ‘oh hilarious’ but afterwards I hated myself for not calling him out properly. What sort of feminist am I? What sort of man was he?
The girl’s story is bad enough- twenty-four years imprisoned. But three of her kids had never seen sunlight. Ever. The oldest one was nineteen years old… nineteen years. A whole life. In one cellar. You can’t wrap your head around that. No one can.
I have no words or thoughts to describe 'Mr Fritzl' as the papers keep calling him (why the politeness?). I've come to terms with the fact now that certain men are just monsters, with no empathy. The real story lies with what happened over those years and what happens next. Would he have just kept them under there forever? He would, wouldn't he? And what now? I just can't foresee a happy ending. It's Flowers in the Attic, it's just fucked beyond belief. It's beyond imagining. Could the mother have not known? I guess she could. Anything is hard to find if you will not open your eyes. Who knows, really.
What is it with Austrians and kidnapping? What is with men and control? It's a sick world. We just live it in, and become immune, and eventually we'll just laugh along with the jokes, like fucking idiots because what other choice do we have? If we actually stop and think about any of this stuff for a minute, we'll go absolutely doolally.
I was in a shop today and someone made a joke about it. A joke about someone who had been kidnapped, sexually abused and put in prison, for an eternity, for nothing. Someone who had had one child die on her, and three snatched from her, whilst not being able to protect the ones who stayed with her. Ha ha. I went, ‘oh hilarious’ but afterwards I hated myself for not calling him out properly. What sort of feminist am I? What sort of man was he?
The girl’s story is bad enough- twenty-four years imprisoned. But three of her kids had never seen sunlight. Ever. The oldest one was nineteen years old… nineteen years. A whole life. In one cellar. You can’t wrap your head around that. No one can.
I have no words or thoughts to describe 'Mr Fritzl' as the papers keep calling him (why the politeness?). I've come to terms with the fact now that certain men are just monsters, with no empathy. The real story lies with what happened over those years and what happens next. Would he have just kept them under there forever? He would, wouldn't he? And what now? I just can't foresee a happy ending. It's Flowers in the Attic, it's just fucked beyond belief. It's beyond imagining. Could the mother have not known? I guess she could. Anything is hard to find if you will not open your eyes. Who knows, really.
What is it with Austrians and kidnapping? What is with men and control? It's a sick world. We just live it in, and become immune, and eventually we'll just laugh along with the jokes, like fucking idiots because what other choice do we have? If we actually stop and think about any of this stuff for a minute, we'll go absolutely doolally.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Britain's Next Top Model: Heels
No blog for a week, then you get two. Don't thank me, it's the least I could do.
So this week the girls were taught to dance by someone called Supple (!) who told Lightbulb Head to 'think like a stripper'. There's some aspirational stuff right there. She looked annoyed.
Then in a further masochistic twist they made the mogels walk in stupidly high heels. Seriously, I don't think almost breaking your ankle is that fashionable. I find it quite sadistic. In fact, a lot of things about fashion are- starving women to look like children, forcing them to take their kit off, making them wear painful things. Then the hilarious part is forcing the girl on the street to fork out for it. We really are stupid beyond words.
To emphasise my point, they then made them do a catwalk show wearing newspapers and screwed up paper for outfits.
Then some twat in a furry hat took pictures of them and generally treated them like dogshit. They must have had it in for Lightbulb Head this week, because they made her do a pole dancing picture. Just leave her alone, stop trying to sexualise her, you fucking pervert.
Then they got drunk, had a fight and one of them threw up. That's not entertainment, it's just a night out on any high street in England. No one appealed to me this week, it was just a big dull-fest. the pics were all quite crappy. The black girl went. She wasnt that great- but nor were any of 'em. Off with their heads (and Snowden's too)!
So this week the girls were taught to dance by someone called Supple (!) who told Lightbulb Head to 'think like a stripper'. There's some aspirational stuff right there. She looked annoyed.
Then in a further masochistic twist they made the mogels walk in stupidly high heels. Seriously, I don't think almost breaking your ankle is that fashionable. I find it quite sadistic. In fact, a lot of things about fashion are- starving women to look like children, forcing them to take their kit off, making them wear painful things. Then the hilarious part is forcing the girl on the street to fork out for it. We really are stupid beyond words.
To emphasise my point, they then made them do a catwalk show wearing newspapers and screwed up paper for outfits.
Then some twat in a furry hat took pictures of them and generally treated them like dogshit. They must have had it in for Lightbulb Head this week, because they made her do a pole dancing picture. Just leave her alone, stop trying to sexualise her, you fucking pervert.
Then they got drunk, had a fight and one of them threw up. That's not entertainment, it's just a night out on any high street in England. No one appealed to me this week, it was just a big dull-fest. the pics were all quite crappy. The black girl went. She wasnt that great- but nor were any of 'em. Off with their heads (and Snowden's too)!
Review: Wii Fit
Bloody hell, it was enough of a workout dragging this ginormous box home from Argos Extra in Haringey (it don't get glammer than that, folks) the only place on earth that appeared to have the hallowed Wii Fit in stock. After I had a Mcdonalds and a little rest, I finally fought my way into the box, which again, was more exercise than I get in a year.
As a massive cyber slap in the face, the Wii balance board weighs you in front of your friends, lovers, or family. So normally you lie about how much you weigh, and then here it is, right in your face. To add insult to injury, it declared I was almost obese, then made my little Mii character all fat! I am NOT that shape, like a little tubby flat-chested pre-boob job Sonia Jackson! Fuck you, Nintendo. The good part is, this is so humiliating, it make you want to work out. It also said my fitness age was 31, which was not too bad, really, considering how fucking lazy I am.
I was looking forward to my boyfriend getting humilated as I did, and instead it declared his weight IDEAL! Ideal? SULK! Oh the bright side, it said his fitness age was 41 hehe. So the pain and embarrassment evened out.
Well, I'm happy to report it was all worth it. Wii Fit does the impossible, makes exercising FUN. Yes, you heard that right, from ME! Fucking hell. I remember hoping they'd invent this sort of game decades ago, and now here it is. I love having all my little Mii characters like Morrissey, Conor, Eminem and all my mates joining me for a step class. It's soooo good. The jogging was particularly good and hard (having boobs is definitely a disadvantage). I enjoyed the hula hooping too although I was shit at it. Probably the hardest things are the stuff like push-ups and yoga- feel the burn (sob). I liked the wiggly ball thing, that was good. It's like playing tetris with your body, which sounds sort of rude.
So will I stick at it? Fuck knows, I had a curly-whirly halfway through. But you know, I'll TRY! It's better than nothing, right?
In conclusion, I can't believe I paid £70 to get told I'm fat. It's brilliant. God bless the Japenese.
As a massive cyber slap in the face, the Wii balance board weighs you in front of your friends, lovers, or family. So normally you lie about how much you weigh, and then here it is, right in your face. To add insult to injury, it declared I was almost obese, then made my little Mii character all fat! I am NOT that shape, like a little tubby flat-chested pre-boob job Sonia Jackson! Fuck you, Nintendo. The good part is, this is so humiliating, it make you want to work out. It also said my fitness age was 31, which was not too bad, really, considering how fucking lazy I am.
I was looking forward to my boyfriend getting humilated as I did, and instead it declared his weight IDEAL! Ideal? SULK! Oh the bright side, it said his fitness age was 41 hehe. So the pain and embarrassment evened out.
Well, I'm happy to report it was all worth it. Wii Fit does the impossible, makes exercising FUN. Yes, you heard that right, from ME! Fucking hell. I remember hoping they'd invent this sort of game decades ago, and now here it is. I love having all my little Mii characters like Morrissey, Conor, Eminem and all my mates joining me for a step class. It's soooo good. The jogging was particularly good and hard (having boobs is definitely a disadvantage). I enjoyed the hula hooping too although I was shit at it. Probably the hardest things are the stuff like push-ups and yoga- feel the burn (sob). I liked the wiggly ball thing, that was good. It's like playing tetris with your body, which sounds sort of rude.
So will I stick at it? Fuck knows, I had a curly-whirly halfway through. But you know, I'll TRY! It's better than nothing, right?
In conclusion, I can't believe I paid £70 to get told I'm fat. It's brilliant. God bless the Japenese.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Britain's Next Top Model
The girls are already ten billion times more exciting and interesting looking than the last American lot, which was the worst series of ANTM EVER. I'm quite shocked as normally the British one is a complete chavalanche.
Obviously our host Lisa 'fucked George Clooney- so what?' Snowden is a personality vaccuum. They should get George's new bit of stuff to do it, she seems like good fun. But at the same time, you don't want to punch Snowden quite as much as Tyra.
The contestants: Ok I'm going to try and take down names cos I always get moaned at (aren't my descriptions good enough?) Sophie- very cute, Lily Allenish. One with a squarer jaw than a lego man (I forgot the name already!). One called Louise with the most bizarre two tone eyeshadow since 80s TV comedy 'Watching' (how the FUCK do I remember that? I'm SO OLD!) Oh and she's quite plain apart from that, although she looked alright in her picture. At least four or five are actually conventionally good looking, which is very rare for these model shows (Claire, Alexandra, Stephanie, Lauren, Charlotte). There's one called Lisa with kind of choppy layered hair who is interesting looking. There's one called LINZI who looks about 40. Sara- bolshy black girl. Rachael & Catherine- big noses. Leanne- nice lips and bright red hair. Martha, bit of a lightbulb head. Aaron- has a boys name. Aw no, she's quite cute. I like Leanne and Lisa best so far.
So they were asked to pose topless pressed against eachother and told it was about 'feminine empowerment'!!! I've heard it ALL now! Fucking hell, did they replace 'male wankfest' in the dictionary with 'feminine empowerment'? I wonder what they replaced gulliable with? Model?
There are new judges this year- some bloke in a flat cap, and some OAP called Huggy. Who the fuck were the judges before? I don't have a clue.
Aw Lily Allen girl went. She was pretty! The ones I like always leave rapidly. My taste sucks!
Obviously our host Lisa 'fucked George Clooney- so what?' Snowden is a personality vaccuum. They should get George's new bit of stuff to do it, she seems like good fun. But at the same time, you don't want to punch Snowden quite as much as Tyra.
The contestants: Ok I'm going to try and take down names cos I always get moaned at (aren't my descriptions good enough?) Sophie- very cute, Lily Allenish. One with a squarer jaw than a lego man (I forgot the name already!). One called Louise with the most bizarre two tone eyeshadow since 80s TV comedy 'Watching' (how the FUCK do I remember that? I'm SO OLD!) Oh and she's quite plain apart from that, although she looked alright in her picture. At least four or five are actually conventionally good looking, which is very rare for these model shows (Claire, Alexandra, Stephanie, Lauren, Charlotte). There's one called Lisa with kind of choppy layered hair who is interesting looking. There's one called LINZI who looks about 40. Sara- bolshy black girl. Rachael & Catherine- big noses. Leanne- nice lips and bright red hair. Martha, bit of a lightbulb head. Aaron- has a boys name. Aw no, she's quite cute. I like Leanne and Lisa best so far.
So they were asked to pose topless pressed against eachother and told it was about 'feminine empowerment'!!! I've heard it ALL now! Fucking hell, did they replace 'male wankfest' in the dictionary with 'feminine empowerment'? I wonder what they replaced gulliable with? Model?
There are new judges this year- some bloke in a flat cap, and some OAP called Huggy. Who the fuck were the judges before? I don't have a clue.
Aw Lily Allen girl went. She was pretty! The ones I like always leave rapidly. My taste sucks!
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Film Review: The Orphanage
Well, I've been meaning to watch this for two weeks now after a hearty recommendation from my best friend and a gushing review on The Culture Show. Which leaves me asking, can I have those two hours of my life back? And can I trust either of these sources for information EVER AGAIN?
The first hour of this film was so boring it made my three-hour round trip to the vet on Saturday seem like a free weekend in Las Vegas. I was hopeful it might pick up after that as I'd been told it was so scary it would make me jump (repeatedly) and was so good at the end that Mark Kermode off The Culture Show was moved to tears. I was prepared with a cushion to hide behind and everything. Instead it was just another hour of tedium, with a mild feeling of depression at the end. No jumping. No thrills. I've been more scared watching Most Haunted Live.
I should have known really, as it was by the same director as Pan's Labyrinth which promised to be magical and instead was dreary and wrist-slashing. The Orphanage promised to be frightening and was instead dreary, cliched and slower than Jade Goody. And why were those kids terrorising her anyway? Surely they were her buddies at the orphanage? Also, the last thing she did to her boy was whack him one, so I think the finger of suspicion probably could have swung her way a bit more.
I like my horror films to be REALLY scary... not gory, but to at least get your heart beating. To at least make you care. This was just an unsettling mix of creepiness, mild gore, and the very worst of things, sentimentality. This film was ten million times less frightening, original or interesting as the most basic of scaries like The Ring or even bloody Final Destination (which is brilliant!). I don't think I would have been remotely scared by this even as a child.
What I don't get is... why did this get such good reviews? Am I missing some vital bit of my brain? Or do I just have the most basic of attention spans?
Whichever way you look at it, I'm right, and if you like this, you're wrong.
The first hour of this film was so boring it made my three-hour round trip to the vet on Saturday seem like a free weekend in Las Vegas. I was hopeful it might pick up after that as I'd been told it was so scary it would make me jump (repeatedly) and was so good at the end that Mark Kermode off The Culture Show was moved to tears. I was prepared with a cushion to hide behind and everything. Instead it was just another hour of tedium, with a mild feeling of depression at the end. No jumping. No thrills. I've been more scared watching Most Haunted Live.
I should have known really, as it was by the same director as Pan's Labyrinth which promised to be magical and instead was dreary and wrist-slashing. The Orphanage promised to be frightening and was instead dreary, cliched and slower than Jade Goody. And why were those kids terrorising her anyway? Surely they were her buddies at the orphanage? Also, the last thing she did to her boy was whack him one, so I think the finger of suspicion probably could have swung her way a bit more.
I like my horror films to be REALLY scary... not gory, but to at least get your heart beating. To at least make you care. This was just an unsettling mix of creepiness, mild gore, and the very worst of things, sentimentality. This film was ten million times less frightening, original or interesting as the most basic of scaries like The Ring or even bloody Final Destination (which is brilliant!). I don't think I would have been remotely scared by this even as a child.
What I don't get is... why did this get such good reviews? Am I missing some vital bit of my brain? Or do I just have the most basic of attention spans?
Whichever way you look at it, I'm right, and if you like this, you're wrong.
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