Morrissey Live at the Britannia Pier, Yarmouth

Wow, what a beautiful weekend in Yarmouth. I expected Yarmouth to be some sad, fading town dying on it's arse, but actually it was lovely, very pretty with a really great pier. I personally couldn't be happier than in a place that's quite deserted, smells constantly of fish and chips and sells every kind of tat. In fact, that's my idea of heaven.
And then throw Morrissey into the mix. Did I ever doubt Morrissey would turn up? From the second we booked the tickets. As soon as he cried off the Albert Hall, I wrote him off. Yet there he was on Friday night; I saw him with my own eyes!
Britannia Pier is a bizarre venue, advertising such wares as Jim Davidson and the Chuckle Brothers proudly at it's door. At around 2pm we walked up the pier and saw 5 or 6 very insane people already queueing (some of whom I recognised; ah, the Morrissey community, we're so close- ahem). My boyfriend and I began queueing at 6.30 (doors opened at 7pm) and despite at least a hundred people in front of us, we got incredibly lucky for seating, about four rows back and right next to the middle aisle, which gave us a fantastic view (my photos were SHIT though, as you can see!). The seats were tiny and people were complaining about the leg room, but I didn't really mind. As we sat there, neither of us could really believe that Morrissey was actually going to turn up, on that stage, right by that person selling popcorn. It just seemed impossible.
Now for the really weird part: the support band, Doll and the Kicks, were actually GOOD! I know; I was stunned. They had a really strong front-woman who looked studenty and petite but she had a big old voice on her, quite Karen O-esque. Very impressed indeed.
Next there was a bizarre animated video with giant Morrissey heads on and a song that appeared to be called 'lighten up Morrissey', which was quite amusing. However, after that Morrissey was still hawking that same fucking intro video from what feels like two decades ago with the bloody New York Dolls clips on. He must be sick of it by now, surely? And I'm going to have to watch it another twice more, the bastard! I swear he's just trying to annoy the crowd so we are more happy to see him when he comes out.
And then... he was there, on this giant backdrop of a muscly man. I had never seen Morrissey with my boyfriend before, and I can honestly say, I've never seen either of us look so happy. The excitement for the first 20 minitues or so was just so intense, I was screaming my head off, and I lost my voice afterwards. We just couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces. Morrissey looked great; very smart in a dark blue blazer. He was in fine form, opening with This Charming Man, followed by Irish Blood, English Heart. I won't ruin the setlist TOO much in case my best mate reads this; we're going to see him shortly, so it's nice to have a bit of a surprise. Personally, I've been ducking and diving the setlist for months now. The set was quite Smiths-heavy I thought; I preferred hearing stuff off the new album, just because I'd never heard it before and it sounded damn good live. I really enjoyed Sorry Doesn't Help; which is weird, as I don't even particularly like that one on the album. The setlist was also quite Quarry-heavy; which is good, and he played NOTHING off Ringleaders; telling! We were treated to Seasick from Your Arsenal, and Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself from Vauxhall. Some Girls are Bigger than Others is probably the worst song off the Queen is Dead, but actually it was quite lovely live. The set lowpoint had to be The Loop; does anyone care? But I was very relieved that he appeared to have stopped hawking the new and un-improved Southpaw, and we heard not a peep of Best Friend on the Payroll OR Reader Meet Author; good! I don't think he played a thing off Malajusted either; I wouldn't have said no to Trouble Loves Me.
I think on the whole, considering he didn't even play my two favourite songs off Refusal, the setlist was excellent. It was just such an enjoyable gig, we could see so well. Seating venues do suck, but it's nice to have that little space of your own too, and to be able to see without being crushed.
Morrissey seemed in a good mood too, saying 'Is this the Royal Albert Hall? No.' and making references to 'outpatients' and changing the lyrics of Squeezing My Skull to 'it's a miracle I made it to Great Yarmouth'. I also enjoyed his joke about you being able to find 'Skull' if you had a large spade (although it's your fault Moz, you could have given us some b-sides, couldn't you?)
He was also passing the mic to the crowd, and just seemed in good spirits. A few stage invaders tried their luck, and there looked to be a brawl kicking off at the front at one point, but all in all the atmosphere was amazing. The show seemed so short; with just one encore, and he was gone. It left us on such a high; it just couldn't have been much better.
Just don't mentioned what happened to me in the 80s bar afterwards. Personally, I blame Rick Astley.
Next: Troxy, and Brixton. I'll be the one with the massive grin!

Live (ish) Blog: The British Soap Awards 2009

I wouldn't normally watch the soap awards (as I'm not clinically insane) but I thought it might make for an amusing blog. Only you can decide if I was right or if I should have watched The Apprentice instead (I'm gonna watch The Apprentice anyway, ner!)
Oh dear, it didn't bode well when I hardly recognised anyone at the start. But then I only watch Eastenders and Corrie. I was amused to see Luke Strong doing a rude boy style hand flick at the cameras- bo! He's keeping it real down Underworld. He likes what he's seen so far. Unlike me, which is Barbara Windsor looking like a corpse and a vomit-rainbow of dresses. Aww, Shaun. I miss your manic charms. Andrew Sachs! Die! How am I going to cope when he's actually IN Corrie? Stop ruining my life!
Why is Phillip Schofield on EVERYTHING? He's about as humourous as an episode of Eastenders. Zzzz.
1st up: Sexiest Male. God, there's fuck all totty at the mo, that new doctor they've foisted upon up in Eastenders makes me wanna go gay. Ooh I vote Tony from Corrie! I've got the sickest crush on him and his white shirt black tie combo. And he's one of the options. Bizarre. As is Peter Barlow? I'm not that desperate! Or Shaun, I'd pick him too, I like gingers. Ah Christian is up for it as well. He's my boyfriend's pick. God, they nominate about 500 people. Next it'll be Dev, Dev's uncle, Ken, Norris and Billy Mitchell. Urgh, Jack from Eastenders won! He looks like the missing link. I'd rather go dogging with Phil Mitchell. His speech was quite funny, he said it was 3 hours in make up. Boo!
Sexiest Female. My boyfriend likes Becky and Tina from Corrie. Is Stacey Slater sexy? My mum says she's pretty but I think she looks like a hamster. Hmm, no nominations for Roxy or Ronnie I see. Tina won. She is cute. Oh dear, I'm actually getting into this. Bye bye non-existent credibility.
Villan of the Year HAS to be Tony. Those masks were fab. Ooh Archie is pretty bad as well though. Tony won! Hurrah. Well deserved. I was so pleased when they kept him in Corrie, he's a great character. He looks hot!
'Comedian' Lee Mack made a gross sexist joke. Haven't you been replaced by that other twat comedian now (Macantyre?) Just fuck off. Oh he's introducing Best Comedy Performance. It's gotta be Blanche, she's basically got her own scriptwriter she's so good. What she's not even nominated! Zenab Masood??? Is she meant to be funny? She's always fucking moaning. She's about as funny as getting run over on the way to get chemotherapy. Where was Norris? Becky? Even Dev, for fuck's sake. This award is an abomination, an injustice right up there with Guilford Four. I demand a recount!
Spectacular scene of the Year: I can't even think of any except that naked picture of Dev and thats cos it was yesterday! Oddly I'd seen the Emmerdale one at my mums. She's always going on about how good Emmerdale is, but I need another soap in my life like I need a pay cut.
Best Dramatic Performance: Oh dear, Doctors isn't winning anything, I wonder why (not). Bianca was actually pretty good in the paedo storyline. I thought that episode was excellent. Shit, Doctors did win! Wtf? I watched that once because my friend was in it, and even he was wooden.
Best young dramatic performance should go to Simon, he's amazing! He almost makes me like children! And that's just weird. Bianca's ginger spawn is quite good, too.
Best Exit. Yay, Liam should win that (cos of the masks!) but won't as he wasn't there. That Doctors exit did look good, it was like Final Destination. Ooh Liam did win after all! Very very rock n roll.
Hold up; how come Jordan and Peter are presenting an award? When did they film this? I feel cheated. Best Couple should go to Steve and Becky, and surely will. WHAT! The Masoods?!! You've got to be shitting me? Am I on a different planet to everyone else? They are SHIT. The only one thats good is the speccy kid. What next, Nasty Nick for Best Actor? Fuck me. The world is so out of kilter with my own perception of things, I wonder who's got it right. Obviously it's me, but still; fuck you, world.
Oh fucking hell, then Barbara Windsor won some lifetime achievement thing for bellowing 'GETOUTTAMYPUB!' and that's about it. She gets on my nerves. Oh shut up about Carry On films. Get over it! Aw, Shane Richie came out and called her 'the duchess'. Cute.
OK I'm flagging now. Surely the lifetime achievement award should be at the end. This show is exactly an hour too long. Still, I'll suffer the rest just for you and bankroll it later, even though you never asked me to.
Best storyline. Doctors won?! Who watches Doctors. No fucker, we're all at work. How ridiculous.
Best Newcomer: I like David's mate who works in the butchers, he has a very amusing voice. I think Whitney is excellent too, and a really good actress (and cute- she's not underage anymore, right?) David's mate won! Cool, especially as I can't even remember his screen name.
Best Episode should have gone to the Bianca/Whitney one I reckon. I thought that was about the only good episode of Eastenders in a year. Steve and Becky's wedding was awful and totally over-acted. It was actually quite embarrassing. Doctors won! Who knew.
Best Actor went to Shaun Slater- fuck a duck. I fancy him as much as the next person, but his acting is dire! Even he looked embarrassed. These awards are a shambles. Fair play that he said Max Branning or Phil Mitchell deserved it more, because they do (even though Phil Mitchell seems to have forgotten how to act drunk lately.) Who's going to win Best Actress now, Heather?
Becky won. I think on the whole she is a good actress, and her character is good, she just had an off day on the wedding. I can't believe they showed that clip straight after, it actually made me cringe it was so bad.
How the fuck did Eastenders win Best British Soap? It is so badly written it's untrue. Coronation Street is so far ahead in terms of writing, comedy, characterisation, even drama, it's unreal. Choosing Eastenders over it is like offering someone a holiday in the Bahamas or a trip to Blackpool and people choosing Blackpool because they don't like 'that foreign muck.'
Who is voting for this shit? You should have your pens taken off you, you fucking idiots. Or is crayons?

Album Review- Eminem: Relapse

Someone once asked me how I aligned my feminist principles with liking Eminem. I replied this:
I liked Eminem because he is the greatest rapper of all time. I read his book of lyrics before I got into him and it floored me, in the same way Speedway by Morrissey floored me. His mock misogyny/ homophobia comes second to his supreme talent (which admittedly, he pissed up the wall more recently).
I think Kim and Stan, which are highly misogynistic, are also masterpieces.
Oh, and he's also very funny. But his last album was weak. And his new single is awful. So how is this going to go? I fear the worst. Let us begin!
The first skit made me laugh, on the first listen anyway! 3am is good, I like his faux Jamaican accent, it makes his raps flow nicely! Ah, tales of bodies all over the floor. That's what we like to see. It's like a comfy blanket, you put a Morrissey album on; you expect to hear him lamenting how he doesn't, you know, like people; put an Eminem record on and if there's no Kim, his mum and some random killings, what's the point?
Haha, and the next track is called My Mom! He doesn't let us down! Lyric: 'I know you're probably tired of hearing about my mum'- no! Do carry on, Marshall. This is good, this is like Slim Shady era Eminem. Really catchy that one! He's doing a funny voice again, and I find it amusing! Am I a teenage boy? In some ways, I'm sure. Aw it's cute when he says 'I still love you' at the end. Dr Dre 2010? Don't get ahead of yourself!
Wow, Insane is really good too, except the mention of felching. He seems to be talking about getting abused by his stepfather. Interesting.
Bagpipes From Baghdad is BIZARRE, was that a Scottish accent?! Ooh, he mentioned Hello Kitty, hehe. I love this, it's fucked in the head! Ah- it feels SO good to have him back! It really does.
His rapping sounded really good on 'Hello'. This album blows Encore out of the fucking water. The tunes are actually good on it too. It sounds fresh.
Is it anti-feminist to find the abduction skit funny? It's ALL just so tongue in cheek, how can you get offended? It's designed to offend stupid people. Don't be one! This is kind of like Stan #2. Ooh, he said my name! Cool. Another good song! About murders!
We Made You (the single) is the worst song by a mile. I think he cheapens himself by making fun of all these z-list celebs who no one really cares about anyway. He's just drawing attention to them. Plus, the tune is dreadful too. This song is trying to be in the vein of Without Me but sounds more like Purple Pills. Skip!
Medicine Ball sees him offending bisexuals, so it's a new form of homophobia at least. Bisectomy! Raping the pussycat dolls... oh dear, he's going for it with this one. I don't it offensive so much as a bit tiresome. He says 'I guess it's time for you to hate me again' but it's more like you want to ground him or take away his pocket money. Christopher Reeve gets some more stick, but I enjoyed the use of the word 'armoir'. We used to have an armoir of awfulness. Ah, those were the days.
I didn't like Stay Wide Awake much, it was a bit dreary like The Way I Am (everyone raves about that song but I don't rate it).
Old Times Sake: yay, Eminem went 'chicky!' Dre does a bit of his pedestrian rapping, but he's still pretty cool. R Kelly dissing! Too easy.
Must Be the Ganga was good, it really reminded me of older Eminem stuff. Deja Vu does as well (as you'd expect!) Ooh, Kim and Hailie namecheck.
Beautiful had another dire sample, but at least it's not the James Blunt song (Dido was quite enough, thank you). I wasn't overly hot on this one, the lyrics and the tune were both on the weak side, and it was quite cheesy.
Crack a Bottle is a lighthearted one with Dr Dre and 50 Cent. 50 Cent got out-rapped, but what's new?
Underground is the last song, in which he tells us what he's been up to during his hiatus, and we got a bit of 'guess who's back'-yay. This song is overblown, but in a good way. He rhymes 'fanny pack' with 'trannies' which is quite nice. The end skit was a bit duff, but hey ho.
I'm being really pleasantly surprised by this album, hurrah! 15 actual songs too, with only 2 duff ones is pretty good value (yes I'm buying it!) I knew the little fella still had it. He's looking awful scrawny though. Go eat some hash cakes, MM. Pleased to have you back.

Documentary: Extreme Male Beauty

Vain men. Could there be anything less sexy? British men are spending 920 MILLION quid a year on male grooming! How?! A couple of deoderants and a bottle of shampoo is about a tenner.
I admit, I am highly sexist on this particular issue (but that's OK, because it's a trifling one) but men beautifying themselves just turns me right off. It's bad enough women are so browbeaten into the advertising myth; now men too? It's tragic. They should look at what it's done to us and run a mile.
Tim Shaw, investigating (nothing) looked quite slobby but that's about it. He wasn't hideous or anything, just average (can't you tell from the way he mentioned beer and the missus- sigh). He decided to try and change his body in 8 weeks. Well, makes a change from women doing it, I suppose. But it's still dumb. His wife was very youthful looking and pretty, which probably didn't help.
To prove something, he went and stood half naked on a podium whilst women said they thought he was rough. One lone voice said she hated vain men. Actually, the responses were quite varied; women hated all types of men, vain, skinny, muscly!
Then he went to talk to men about their grooming routine (in some showers, for no apparent reason), including shaving their pubes off! URGH. Just leave it alone! I didn't like the way he talked about 'tits'- he came off sounding like a sexist wanker.
Afterwards he went to meet some numpty who wanted to look like Peter Andre, but who looked more like Mario of Big Brother infamy. For some reason we were forced to look at his naked, fat body and him shaving his balls. We could have had a warning first. Wow, he lost 12 stone via gastric bypass surgery but it left him with man boobs. Shame. The show turned into Ten Years Younger, as the plastic surgeon was drafted in. Doesn't it rather defeat the object of trying to look good by having all your flabby bits put out on display on TV? Afterwards, he was still gross, just in a different way.
Then there was some tedious stuff about steroids- zzzzz. And muscly men taking their tops off- vomit. Personally I favour either average or thin. I'd even rather have fat than athletic or muscly. One, they'd be boring, and two, I'd be frightened they'd burst.
This show was nowhere NEAR as good as it could have been. These sorts of documentaries are so hit and miss. But I'll probably still watch the others, if only to see what Tim Shaw ends up looking like in the show. I saw a picture and it wasn't good.
PS: read Charlie Brooker on this show, he was funnier.

Album Review: Outer South- Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band

So here I am with Conor's new CD in my hand, yes, I still buy his stuff, because, y'know, it's him. The sleeve is nice, shiny and colourful with lots of posey pictures of them all looking a bit awkward. There's 16 songs on this album, so that's value for money, at least (but how many is he doing the lead vocal on?). The Daily Mail said Conor was in danger of producing 'quantity over quality'. But he's always been prolific. I listened to his last (almost) solo offering in this flat too, so it wasn't so long ago. But I'd rather prolific and a bit shoddy than retired.
Slowly (Oh so Slowly) reminds me of Gentleman's Pact. To All The Lights in The Windows sounds like a soft rock song, like Conor is trying to be Bruce Springsteen, but there are flashes of good stuff. His voice sounds kind of raw and live on it, a bit under produced, which is nice.
The third song has a crossed out title; cute. From the lyrics, I suspect it's really called 'big black nothing'. Uh-oh, it's one of the others singing. I was afraid of this. Actually, it aint too bad.
Air Mattress also has another one singing, but his voice is kind of nasally (and not in a good way) and the song is a bit cliche. It makes me pine for Conor's vocals. Oh god, that guitar solo is unnecessary.
Cabbage Town is pretty good, probably the most Bright-Eyesey yet. I quite fancy going to Cabbage Town. Again, Conor's voice sounds good, a little bit ripped up and echoey. Definitely less studio-fied than on the last solo album.
Ten Women is quite nice, it has a gentle tone to it, and is probably the least country. Difference is Time is good too, even though it's another lead vocal from someone else, his voice is quite nice (although he sounds a little drunk). It's got a kind of Neva Dinova feel too it.
I thought Nikorette was a bit tedious, wasn't that meant to be the single? They always do a duff single! It's just TOO country, that guitar makes me want to puke.
White Shoes (with just Conor singing with a guitar) reminds me of Lime Tree (with a bit of Lenders in the Temple). It's kind of atmospheric but tuneless, like it could be beautiful but doesn't quite find it's feet. It's lyrically gibberish, which I'm sure means something to Conor, but not very much to the listener. The echo on his voice is cool. This will either really grown on me, or just end up leaving me cold.
Bloodline sees one of the others singing. It's OK but goes nowhere; it's country nothingness. Spoiled is quite good, it has a nice pace to it and the lyrics are sweet. It's a bit poppy. Worldwide feels like more interchangeable country; it feels like it should be Conor singing it.
Roosevelt room goes glam rock, which is a bit weird at this point, but at least Conor is shouting a bit, and he sounds angry. I've heard this before live. I absolutely HATE that 70s guitar sound, but at the same time it's good to hear something a bit different, which doesn't say much for the album. This song is too derivative, but the whole album is. It feels like a waste of Conor's genius.
Eagle on a Pole is not as good as Eagle on a Pole which is on the 1st album. Getting sleepy now.
I Got The Reason #2... wasn't this on the last album? When you're doing two songs with the same name and songs with the same name, but version 1 & 2, maybe you are too prolific. I do really like this song, but I know it quite well, anyway. The version I have is quite understated and quiet, but this version is good too, at least he's loud on it. It's probably the best song on the album.
Snake Hill is an awful ending to the album; it's the mega nasally one again. B-side!
Anyway, I've heard this is a grower, so all comments are pretty much null and void until a couple of weeks time. But it felt like a slog. Conor is such a talent; why does he insist on selling himself so short? And with himself, us.

Claire Richards: My Big Fat Wedding

I rememember seeing Claire Richards (of Steps infamy) on BBLB a while back and thinking 'oh my God.' She was FAT. Like so fat if you were her, you'd avoid going on camera at all costs. She was definitely the prettiest one out of Steps, but went from being a size 8 to a size 20. That's a lot of eating, trust me, because I eat a lot of bad things, and am overweight, so I can well imagine how much you'd have to eat to get that big.
Christ Steps sold 15 MILLION records, getting 13 top five singles, only beaten by The Beatles. Woah. I wonder how much of that cash they saw? Not much, I reckon.
Anyway, after leaving Steps she spent five years eating, and doubled her dress size by eating a zillion McDonalds. At her heaviest, and at five foot six, she weighed 16 and a half stone. Wow, that's quite a bit. That's some impressive eating. Fair play to her for letting them take pictures of her fat, and all her stretch marks, I'd just go hide in a cupboard somewhere.
It was funny how she looked fat; kind of pumped up. I know I've said this before, but my face doesn't get fat when my body does, so I just look in the mirror at my face and pretend I'm not fat. I'm sure the second I got a double chin, I'd become anorexic. But then my stomach is gross and I just try and ignore it and focus on my boobs looking good. That's one thing most fat girls do have; big boobs! In your face, skinny, long-legged girls!
Anyway, Claire's boyfriend proposed and she vowed to get down to a size 12, by losing four stone. A size 12 sounds managable, four stone sounds HARD!
It was kind of sad when she was looking at her old stage costumes; I've never been a size 8 in my life, so to go from 8 to 20 must be hard.
I liked the look of her wedding food; cheeseburgers and chips, Britney Spears stylee! That doesn't exactly smack of a healthy eating regime, does it?!
Six months later she went to get her photo retaken and when she looked at the old photo the photographer said 'that's horrific!' Nice, I'm sure that made all the fat women watching at home feel good about themselves. Then he said 'the heffer is no more'. Bet you didn't call her that then, did you, you cheeky fucker?
I thought she looked stunning as a size 14. But then she went to a health and fitness boot camp where you can lose a stone in a week. They were up and running around at 6.30am! Personally, I'd rather be fat.
Isn't it interesting that women are willing to put themselves through hell just to look good in a photo? Her boyfriend proposed to her when she was big; it's not like he was bothered. I didn't see him starving himself, either.
She ended up being ten stone six, which is a brilliant loss really, six and a half stone. Good on her, because she looked really good in her wedding dress, it was beautiful; and I respect the amount of effort she must have put in. But even fat she was still a trillion times more attractive than Lisa Scott-Lee.
Will she keep it off after the wedding, I wonder. I hope so, because she seems like a nice person and it's what she wants. But at the same time, fat people aren't horrific. And some men like fat girls. Some men like goofy girls, or ginger girls. Not all men like skinny. Not all men want the same thing. And not ALL women want a man, anyway. I once had an argument with a man who said if women were on a desert island on their own they wouldn't wear make up, because what was the point if there were no men around? But they would. They would do it just to feel better, just to look better. I would.
PS: wedding dress shop woman; not EVERY WOMAN dreams about the day they'll wear their wedding dress. I have never thought about it for one second, not even as a child. Some of us dream about space, or writing, or other women, or something else entirely.
There is more to life than weddings, or being skinny. But getting married to someone you love skinny is probably better than doing it fat. My feminist principles can't deny that one.

BBC3: Kirsten's Topless Ambition

You may NOT remember children's TV presenter Kirsten O' Brien from the broom cupboard (that must have been after the Schofield/ Crane/ Anstis golden era) or Smart, the art show WITHOUT that creepy guy in it (no, not Tony Hart, Neil Buchanan- and yes, I did have to look up his name).
Having watched many of her contempories speed past her on the career ladder (except Mark Speight who sadly wound up dead), she wondered if a route to moving to the next step could be to get her boobs out. Great. What a good example to the next generation.
She offended me within the first five seconds by refering to her breasts as 'norks' and then 'puppies'. Blergh.
Aw, she wants to be Cat Deeley, Mylene Klass or Fearne Cotton. Personally, I want to shoot the three of them. But hold on, I don't remember them getting their bits out (and I'm sure I would have). Oh, they did bikini shoots in FHM. That could have just been a coincidence, though.
Christ, Kirsten's stand up comedy must be pretty dire if that was her best joke. It was sad when she went out on the street to see if anyone recognised her and no one did. I would have, peculiarly. But I probably wouldn't have been able to name her.
What kind of person calls their breasts knockers?! I don't even like the word 'tits'.
Kirsten went to meet her friend presenter Angelica Bell (who I'd never heard of, but she did look vaguely familiar- although, less so than Kirsten) who modelled for FHM and then got a job on the One Show. From what I've seen, pretty much anyone can get a job on the One Show, it's bloody awful!
Angelica said she was so flattered that they wanted her to do it, 'I thought i'd never be in a men's mag, who would think I'm sexy?' For God's sake, they have any old boot-faced nobody from Big Brother in them; it's not about sexy, it's about 'let's see who we can get to take their clothes off for cash!' Like in casting couch pornos, basically. If you think that says anything about your own sexual worth, I pity you. She said 'it's not hurting anyone, it's not harming anyone' but actually, as a children's television presenter, it is. It's saying the sum of your parts is your body, not your presenting skills, and it puts women back. Ant and Dec didn't strip off to get gigs. They just worked hard. Kirsten did make this point later, to be fair, but then she said, it doesn't occur for blokes but for women..' but doesn't she understand the reason WHY that is? Because it's the EASY option to just be that bit of fluff, that airhead on a magazine. It's easy for men to put us in that box, espeically when we're so keen to get inside it ourselves. It's also tragic. I only ever wanted to be brainy.
I found it interesting what the agent she went to see said about 'dressing for where you want to be, not for where you are.' That's a fair point. And he was right; as she is still working in kid's TV it could damage her career greatly to go down the sexy route.
It was weird when she went to Zoo and met some glamour model who just introduced herself with her boobs out and made no attempt to cover herself up. What a weird alternative universe.
I was amused when she went to see a 'stylist to the stars' who said he just saw her 'as some twat from the broom cupboard.' URGH, then he told her she needed to bare her soul (ie. spill the beans on the Mark Speight drug/suicide tragedy) 'not in a tacky way, but in a Grazia way'. Gross! I'm glad she said she wasn't willing to do that (even if it wasn't directly to his face) He said 'thats the way we use the media.' No. That's the way the media uses YOU. Then he told her very matter-of-factly, 'men are not going to wank over you.' Good. That should be the best news she's had all day.
She went to Front magazine (no, me neither) who said they catered for the more emo-girls-with-their-jugs-out market. How very alternative! The offices looked full of the biggest losers of all time; blokes who could only dream of losing their virginity once they move out of their mum's.
Next Kirsten went to Anthea Turner's (insert mention of OK/ chocolate bar here) mansion to ask her about getting her kit of for Tatler (I must have wiped that particular image from my brain). It doesn't really matter if it's Tatler or Nuts, it only takes one look at your boobs, doesn't it. But then Anthea's boobs were covered by a snake (insert joke about Grant Bovey here). Anthea advised her not to do it.
Kirsten's next stop was Hooters, where they look for girls 'with a bubbly personality'. So they'd employ someone who was a size 16, yeah? Don't make me laugh. I doubt if those shorts go much higher than a 12. Oh God, then she went to see Peter Stringfellow. Fuck me. His definition of sexy appears to be two-tone hair. He told her to go be the new Carol Vorderman as she wasn't sexy! I don't think Stringfellow was saying that you can't be funny and sexy (look at me for example..!) I think he was saying Kirsten isn't funny and sexy.
It was sad when she went to FHM and he basically said they weren't interested and she got her polaroids out. He said 'you're borderline, you have an acceptable face.' Charming! Then she said 'it's good to hear.' No it isn't! Even I thought it was harsh and he wasn't saying it to me.
So in the end, she decided not to do it (mainly because no one wanted her to). Maybe she can be the new Natalie Cassidy, or Alesha Dixon, doing frilly little documentaries about body image for BBC3. Oh.