Remember that bit in Borat when he's on the bus with those moronic, braying, racist 'frat boys' (whatever that is) watching the Pamela Anderson porno? Well this show is like that, but on a loop, like in A Clockwork Orange.
Tool Academy puts a bunch of 'tools' (yes they really are using it in that sense) nominated by their partners on a reality show where they think they're there to 'party and win 100K' (yeah like that show exists). Apparently in previous years all the tools were men, but this year there's some women tools (yes this is the third series). Actually, they are being revealed as absolute pricks.
Grown men and women bragging about not having jobs, sleeping around, having rubbish tattoos and generally shouting and causing a scene like the worst party you could ever imagine. That's what this show is. They are so wholly unpleasant that it's almost unbearable to watch. ALMOST.
In the first show (which may well be the only one I watch) the partners watch as the tools 'party' which seems to involve trying to get off with each other, shouting into the camera about how brilliant they are, and finally, having a punch up.
Incidentally, one of them looks exactly like SHEA LE BOOF and no, as ever, I'm not looking up how to spell that. One guy is about 5 foot. Oh, that's the same guy. His name is 'Chasyn'. One guy said 'look at this body' so I did; it was fat. One is a lesbian who looks a bit like Maggie Gyllenhaal (also not looking up how to spell!) with a rather pretty girlfriend. One other girl said she grew up in a brothel, so how can she be faithful?!
If you saw your partner ON TELLY saying they were SINGLE and were going to fuck everyone in sight, really, what more is left to be said? Even Cheryl Cole could get that message.
Remember when Noirin's boyfriend on Big Brother did that kind of weird sexist doggy-style dance thing (it must have a name- I'll call it the twat dance) in the mirror where you mime kind of slapping someone around? Someone just did that.
One girl cried when they saw the video; the rest were just angry. Why bother, just leave! Oh, then there's no TV show.
So then they told them they were on Tool Academy. So probably then, outed as a tool, you'd leave. But no, because it's a TV show.
Oh, here's the host from Tool Academy. What's he going to be like, I wonder? Ah, a cardboard cut-out of a man.
They had this anti 'counselling session' where they show then videos of their 'tool' partners saying they are single or their partners are idiots. Lovely. More fighting! Jacob, the fat tool, then called the straight girl tool a 'ho' and talked possessively about 'his girl' who he didn't give two fucks about two seconds earlier. Nice. Oh then he called her a 'whore'. Delightful.
He was just insanely jealous about nothing! Even though he's the one who was in the wrong! What an arsehole. The straight girl tool looked smug when they showed the video of her being awful. Urgh.
I think I've heard the word 'tool' about 75,000 times in the past hour. I don't believe I know any men who talk about women behind their back like these people do. I'm not even sure these people exist.
So mini-Shea walked out because 'he's not a tool'. I hope he watches this show back in ten years time and weeps. Or gets AIDS. One or the other.
Apparently Mexico rhymes with 'Sexico'. In it's defence Mexico looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The beach looks gorgeous. I wanna get married there.
I'll leave you with some words from Brian Molko: 'I'm a fool, who's tool is small, it's so minuscule, it's no tool at all.'
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Friday, 19 February 2010
Live: Hole at Shepherd's Bush Empire
The last time I saw Courtney Love was at the Reading Festival straight after Kurt died. I was 14 years old. 14! I’m now twice that (and more!) Obviously, that gig is infamous for being a shambles. But I still remember how I felt just being near to her; just seeing her there was amazing to me, no matter how bad she was (and she looked amazing). That was the summer I grew up, lost my virginity, and had a gang of friends I thought would last forever. I spent the next two years running round in a nightie and a tiara starting fights. Courtney was a massive influence on me as a girl, and as woman.
Around the turn of the millennium, I used to frequent an imaginary place called kittyradio, where Hole fans went to… er, tear the shit our of each other’s personal lives/ appearance/ taste in men. Weirdly, I also met some of my best friends, who I still make an effort to see (which is rare for me) ten years later.
The next time I saw Courtney was at the filming of the Russell Brand TV show, and I was sat so close to her, I could have touched her. I could see right up her skirt! And still I was in awe! Morrissey was in the same room but I was still drawn to Courtney. Her flaws, the things that people hate her for, are the things that make her special.
But I had very low hopes of Courtney showing up when I booked the tickets for Shepherd’s Bush. My hopes were raised a little when I saw her on Jonathan Ross, looking puffy but healthy, and again on the Brits. And she didn’t let us down.
Got to Shpherd's Bush quite late due to the Central Line being royally fucked. Bumped into a fair few kittyradioers; all knocking on 30 now, but still looking good, I must say. Shepherd’s Bush Empire was absolutely HEAVING, you could not move, and the queue for the toilets was beyond a joke.
The support band I saw (I think there were two) were absolutely dreadful; I thought Morrissey’s support bands could be bad but this was something else. The guy gobbed on the crowd, wich makes it sound quite rock and roll; it was anything but. Really dire.
I have to say, a large majority of the crowd were really awful, Morrissey crowds can often be filled with inconsiderate oiks, but this was worse; seedy old men, men who were 8 foot tall, people who actually stank… it was really bad. The last band I went to see were Placebo, and the crowd were all really small, polite lesbians, so this was a bit of a shock. When Courtney came on the guy in front of us (a prick with Jedward hair) literally took up about a square mile around us to headbang in. At that point we moved back, but the view was really poor. Eventually I moved further back and could see, but I was pretty pissed off, which was really annoying.
The irony was, Courtney was on top form tonight. She kept us waiting for a while and then opened with Pretty on the Inside! How cool is that? The setlist was amazing; Violet, Miss World, Malibu, Pacific Coast Highway, Celebrity Skin… she even pulled out Northern Star. I would have killed for Boys on The Radio though, as it’s my favourite Hole song ever, but that’s my only grumble. I think my highlights were Pacific Coast Highway and Celebrity Skin; just because I am so used to hearing Celebrity Skin at every dingy indie disco I've frequented over the past few years, so to see it live seemed surreal.
Let’s get the ‘Hole’ thing cleared up. Yes, her new band look rather rubbish. Yes, Melissa and Eric and Patty were pretty cool. But what makes Hole is Courtney, her lyrics, her songs, her life. Would you go see a band named Hole if Eric and Melissa got a new lead singer? No, you wouldn’t. So, personally, I’m just glad she’s still doing those songs, because they are her legacy. And the crowd, as horrible and ugly as a lot of them were, knew every word. I was surprised there were so many men there; and surprised that people were singing their heart out. In normal life if you mention Courtney Love, people go ‘urgh’, so this felt really interesting. I didn’t think people cared for these songs so much.
She didn’t talk much but I remember her saying ‘not bad for an old girl’ and ‘I’m still alive’. She looked great; and seemed to be really enjoying herself. She definitely forgot the words a few times, and it seemed to me like they played completely the wrong tune to Malibu..?! Her voice went at the end, but I’m not surprised, as she really has to belt those songs. I’ll always love her voice; the flaws in it are just divine.
I think her new material sounds really good. I’ve been hammering the demos for about 2 years now; so I really hope her album does see the light of day soon because we’ve waited long enough!
I wish I could see her again a bit closer; I saw Bright Eyes at Shepherds Bush Empire a couple of years ago and had a great view; so I think I just got unlucky.
Say what you like about Courtney, but she survives, she just keeps on going. She’s also highly under-rated as a song-writer and a lyricist. No woman from her era that I can think of is still going like she is, or is still interesting, anyway.
And at that exact moment I wrote that, the computer a couple of desks away from me just started playing Nirvana out loud in an open plan office… even though no one is near it…! Weirdness! The ghost of Kurt! Get back in your box, Kurt. You’re done.
Around the turn of the millennium, I used to frequent an imaginary place called kittyradio, where Hole fans went to… er, tear the shit our of each other’s personal lives/ appearance/ taste in men. Weirdly, I also met some of my best friends, who I still make an effort to see (which is rare for me) ten years later.
The next time I saw Courtney was at the filming of the Russell Brand TV show, and I was sat so close to her, I could have touched her. I could see right up her skirt! And still I was in awe! Morrissey was in the same room but I was still drawn to Courtney. Her flaws, the things that people hate her for, are the things that make her special.
But I had very low hopes of Courtney showing up when I booked the tickets for Shepherd’s Bush. My hopes were raised a little when I saw her on Jonathan Ross, looking puffy but healthy, and again on the Brits. And she didn’t let us down.
Got to Shpherd's Bush quite late due to the Central Line being royally fucked. Bumped into a fair few kittyradioers; all knocking on 30 now, but still looking good, I must say. Shepherd’s Bush Empire was absolutely HEAVING, you could not move, and the queue for the toilets was beyond a joke.
The support band I saw (I think there were two) were absolutely dreadful; I thought Morrissey’s support bands could be bad but this was something else. The guy gobbed on the crowd, wich makes it sound quite rock and roll; it was anything but. Really dire.
I have to say, a large majority of the crowd were really awful, Morrissey crowds can often be filled with inconsiderate oiks, but this was worse; seedy old men, men who were 8 foot tall, people who actually stank… it was really bad. The last band I went to see were Placebo, and the crowd were all really small, polite lesbians, so this was a bit of a shock. When Courtney came on the guy in front of us (a prick with Jedward hair) literally took up about a square mile around us to headbang in. At that point we moved back, but the view was really poor. Eventually I moved further back and could see, but I was pretty pissed off, which was really annoying.
The irony was, Courtney was on top form tonight. She kept us waiting for a while and then opened with Pretty on the Inside! How cool is that? The setlist was amazing; Violet, Miss World, Malibu, Pacific Coast Highway, Celebrity Skin… she even pulled out Northern Star. I would have killed for Boys on The Radio though, as it’s my favourite Hole song ever, but that’s my only grumble. I think my highlights were Pacific Coast Highway and Celebrity Skin; just because I am so used to hearing Celebrity Skin at every dingy indie disco I've frequented over the past few years, so to see it live seemed surreal.
Let’s get the ‘Hole’ thing cleared up. Yes, her new band look rather rubbish. Yes, Melissa and Eric and Patty were pretty cool. But what makes Hole is Courtney, her lyrics, her songs, her life. Would you go see a band named Hole if Eric and Melissa got a new lead singer? No, you wouldn’t. So, personally, I’m just glad she’s still doing those songs, because they are her legacy. And the crowd, as horrible and ugly as a lot of them were, knew every word. I was surprised there were so many men there; and surprised that people were singing their heart out. In normal life if you mention Courtney Love, people go ‘urgh’, so this felt really interesting. I didn’t think people cared for these songs so much.
She didn’t talk much but I remember her saying ‘not bad for an old girl’ and ‘I’m still alive’. She looked great; and seemed to be really enjoying herself. She definitely forgot the words a few times, and it seemed to me like they played completely the wrong tune to Malibu..?! Her voice went at the end, but I’m not surprised, as she really has to belt those songs. I’ll always love her voice; the flaws in it are just divine.
I think her new material sounds really good. I’ve been hammering the demos for about 2 years now; so I really hope her album does see the light of day soon because we’ve waited long enough!
I wish I could see her again a bit closer; I saw Bright Eyes at Shepherds Bush Empire a couple of years ago and had a great view; so I think I just got unlucky.
Say what you like about Courtney, but she survives, she just keeps on going. She’s also highly under-rated as a song-writer and a lyricist. No woman from her era that I can think of is still going like she is, or is still interesting, anyway.
And at that exact moment I wrote that, the computer a couple of desks away from me just started playing Nirvana out loud in an open plan office… even though no one is near it…! Weirdness! The ghost of Kurt! Get back in your box, Kurt. You’re done.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
The Brit Awards 2010: Worse than you could have imagined
I am watching this PURELY to complain about it. It can't be as bad as the Soap Awards; can it?
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.
Lily Allen- her singing voice doesn't go up or down, it's just one level. Bleeped out swearing. She looks nervous and you can hear her gasping for air between lines, but I quite like that. She's come dressed like Linda Lusardi.
Peter Kay is hosting! He's so hot right now. It IS 2003, right? Doesn't look like he's been taking the Jimmy Carr approach to fitness. His jokes are clunking and his microphone is cutting out. Great start.
Sam Fox- wow, they've got all the big names. This is going really smoothly. The Spice girls! Well, Mel B and Geri. I thought it was Baby. Woah, look at Mel B's undercut! That's edgy for someone in her mid-forties.
British Male Solo Artist introduced by someone I don't know. Dizzie Rascal was the best of those options, which is saying something indeed. 'OLIYDAY! Dizzie is wearing the same suit as Peter Kay. Recognise!
JLS (Jack the Lad Swing, for those who don't know) descend from heaven on strings. I like this song, it's dead catchy! I'm serious!
Urgh- Fearne is 'reporting' from back stage! Stand up and be patronised.
Here's Mel B... again. Undercut! I used to have an undercut, it was obligatory growing up in Northampton. You got it at the same time as you got issued your Doc Martins and German army shirt.
Best International Male Artist. Should be Eminem! Will be Jay-Z. Yes, it's Jay-Z, an extraordinarily ugly man. He's got 99 problems, but good looks aint one of them, you sexist arsehole. Go put a ring on it, dumbass. They're a match made in misogyny heaven, him and Bouncy.
Next up, Noddy Holder. God, is that the sound of a barrel being scraped? For fuck's sake, the Yanks get Russell Brand presenting their awards shows, and in Europe at least Placebo show up. What do we get? Alexandra Burke? This is bullshit.
Liam Gallagher won something and they bleeped out his speech. Just brilliant. Even the ageing pastiche of rock and roll has been rubbed out. Then Kay called Liam a knobhead! At least Liam Gallagher is fun to laugh at.
Oh God, Kasabian. Fetch me a drink. *mutes TV*
And here's Geri Halliwell AGAIN. Dear oh dear, this is dire. Breakthrough artist. JLS. Good. At least it's not Florence or La Roux, the po-faced old bints.
OMG Courtney just showed up. She looks rather sheep-like with that straggly hair. I'm seeing her tomorrow! Glad she's standing. Don't get too smashed tonight, Ms. Love! She gave the award to someone boring who talked for too long.
Lady Gaga! Not as gaga as Courtney no matter how many stupid things you wear. This is interminable. Stop trying to be Elton John and go do something 'outrageous'. Is she doing Vogue? No love for P-p-p-poker face? Oh just fuck off.
OMG don't make Courtney stand next to Geri Halliwell. Not good.
Ooh sorry I fell asleep. Best British Band! Kasabian! Wooo! They are fucking dreadful. Well done people. Their speech was pretty much bleeped out. Doubt if we missed much.
Peter Kay appears to hate music. Mind you, he is at The Brits. I can't get anything funny out of this show! The Soap Awards WAS better!
Gaga just won something. Highest hair? I think she's blubbing. Someone else thanked 'Ferdy' earlier. Much love to Amira's dad!
Oh fuck me, it's a duet with Dizzie and Florence and the Machine! It's like Christmas Day TOTP all over again. What do the boys in the hood think about this? Very little I'd imagine. Get back in your coffin, Florence. You're not ripe yet!
OMG. What is Jonathan Ross doing? Someone have a word. International Female Solo Arist. Lady Gargoyle. Didn't she just win it? Thanks to Ferdy again, many thanks Ferdy. Thanks for the dowry.
Oh fucking hell, they've just dug up Shirley Bassey. This is the longest 2 hours of my life and there's still 45 mins to go.
Oh Lily Allen's got an orange wig on. ZANY! Mind you, she really deserves it, whatever it is (hopefully a good kicking).
OMG ALICIA KEYS. WITH JAY Z. Hand me the gun. Mute x ten billion, but you can't mute her smug little face (you can, it's called the off button).
GAGAGAGAGAGAGA. She just LOVES her fans.
Geordie hate! Not allowed to do an Ashley Cole joke, Peter? I reckon Russell Brand would have still gone for it. It goes without saying, but Tweedy should dump idiot box. And if she doesn't, she's a fucking twat. Once is a mistake. Twice and he's taking the mickey out of you, Chez. I saw a comment about that this week that said 'you don't have to fight for real love, Cheryl' and aint that the truth.
WOW she's miming REALLY badly! It's like watching a dodgy DVD that's slightly behind. She looks deranged and very toothy. Lily Allen didn't mime!
Aw, there's Alan Carr! Why didn't he present the whole thing? Peter Kay is USELESS.
JLS won again. They look like they're dressed for meeting their bank manger.
What IS that song that goes 'these girls fall like dominoes'?! It sounds OFFENSIVE!
Florence won best album. Great if you like whale music sung by middle-aged goths. If you do like whale music sung by middle-aged goths, I can also recommend Enya.
And here's some words to put fear into your heart: 'Robbie Williams doing a lovely medley after the break.' Bodies in the bodhi tree! Bodies of my family! GENIUS. Robbie looks blitzed. He's gurning. From drugs, not adrenaline. He literally sang EVERY song he's ever released. No wonder he's high! This section has lasted about 45 years, you'd need to be on speed to stay up for it.
OK that's enough. Not one good song. Just 5 seconds of Courtney Love was not enough to put up with that shitstorm of wankery.
Controversial? I've seen more controversial episodes of Live at Studio Five. And Peter Kay, your time is up. Get your coat and fuck right off.
Monday, 15 February 2010
Reality: Celebrity Rehab
I downloaded the 3rd series of the American TV show Celebrity Rehab, mainly for Heidi Fleiss and I can heartily recommend it. I thought it would be pretty rubbish, but actually, it's compulsive viewing.
Firstly, it's fun seeing celebrities (or anyone) doing drugs on TV because it's a bit naughty. Secondly, the kind of celebrities who do drugs tend to be a bit more interesting than those who don't (to illustrate, Courtney Love is more interesting than H from Steps) Thirdly, these celebrities are under extreme pressure, so it makes for interesting TV.
I have no idea who most of these celebrities are, but obviously I knew Heidi (coming off meth!), who I like, and I also knew some arsehole off America's Next Top Model, who I remember loathing with a passion when she was a contestant on it. Turns out she was abused as a child, so that's why she was such a dickhead. And now I don't mind her! Also in there; some guy from Alice in Chains coming off heroin (the puke was just delighful) some country singer with big boobs who had a not entirely convincing seizure in the 2nd episode, someone off the Real World, some woman who was raped by her popstar dad, and a reluctant Dennis Rodman (who's been sent there by the courts for domestic violence). I hate Dennis Rodman, he's such a crap reality contestant because he gives you nothing, he's just front.
I'm two episodes in and they're about to put Tom Sizemore in there, who I last saw in a porno doing shitloads of coke with about 20 prostitutes (I can't remember where I watched that, but I remember a considerable amount of detail from it!) and having the time of his life, now he's like an husk of a man, totally broken and looking about 70, so I guess things caught up with him. And Heidi's his ex! And she's going to go mental.
Dr Drew, whoever he is, presides over the who thing looking rather serious, but I wouldn't say no to him being my doctor, he's got a steely sexiness about him. There's also some counsellor bloke who looks like Freddy Krueger on his day off.
It's basically like A Million Little Pieces with celebrities. All in all, it's a reality mix from heaven. Find it, watch it, get addicted.
Firstly, it's fun seeing celebrities (or anyone) doing drugs on TV because it's a bit naughty. Secondly, the kind of celebrities who do drugs tend to be a bit more interesting than those who don't (to illustrate, Courtney Love is more interesting than H from Steps) Thirdly, these celebrities are under extreme pressure, so it makes for interesting TV.
I have no idea who most of these celebrities are, but obviously I knew Heidi (coming off meth!), who I like, and I also knew some arsehole off America's Next Top Model, who I remember loathing with a passion when she was a contestant on it. Turns out she was abused as a child, so that's why she was such a dickhead. And now I don't mind her! Also in there; some guy from Alice in Chains coming off heroin (the puke was just delighful) some country singer with big boobs who had a not entirely convincing seizure in the 2nd episode, someone off the Real World, some woman who was raped by her popstar dad, and a reluctant Dennis Rodman (who's been sent there by the courts for domestic violence). I hate Dennis Rodman, he's such a crap reality contestant because he gives you nothing, he's just front.
I'm two episodes in and they're about to put Tom Sizemore in there, who I last saw in a porno doing shitloads of coke with about 20 prostitutes (I can't remember where I watched that, but I remember a considerable amount of detail from it!) and having the time of his life, now he's like an husk of a man, totally broken and looking about 70, so I guess things caught up with him. And Heidi's his ex! And she's going to go mental.
Dr Drew, whoever he is, presides over the who thing looking rather serious, but I wouldn't say no to him being my doctor, he's got a steely sexiness about him. There's also some counsellor bloke who looks like Freddy Krueger on his day off.
It's basically like A Million Little Pieces with celebrities. All in all, it's a reality mix from heaven. Find it, watch it, get addicted.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Nicola Roberts: The Truth about Tanning
Well, it's a step up from Natalie Cassidy, I guess. Soz I'm late on this one. I've been working hard- which doesn't suit me.
I've never understood the appeal of orange; I've always been the emo kid (well, greebo as it was called back in my day), so pale has always been beautiful to me. I was brought up on Hole's Miss World video, and I wanted face powder as white as Courtney's, and got some, from Stargazer in Camden (where else, the same place you get your stripey socks and pots of Directions hair dye in a rainbow of shades) And nothing has changed. I like complexions like Kelly Osbourne or Dita Von Teese; porcelain white. Tans= Jordan. It also equals hard work when you live in England. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend came back from a holiday in LA once and looked like something off the OC. He looked healthily handsome. We enjoyed it for about three days, and then it was gone. That's how it is to be English- deal with it.
Nicola Roberts big eyebrows are cool! She looks like someone's just dug her up in her cream lace, and I mean that as a compliment. She's like Margaret Thatcher crossed with a sparrow. I'd like to be a little twiggy sparrow like her. I like her pale ginger hair too, I might go for a bit of that at some point.
She looked rubbish with a tan. Gingers aren't meant to have tans. My mum's ginger so I've got the ginger gene, and I know.
It's funny hearing her talk about wanting to 'fit in'- I can't relate to that at all. I've ALWAYS wanted to be different, to look different to everyone else. I'm probably quite boring now by comparison but at least if I go for a haircut, you'll know about it, I don't just get an inch trimmed off and expect you to notice. It's good to make a statement with your appearance.
Nicola went to visit some idiot bloke who uses sunbeds for 28 minutes a day, and then spray tans himself. He made David Dickinson look like Darnell off Big Brother (if you're working for this joke, you need to stoop to my level). But he's just come out the closet, he's allowed to go a bit mental, Dan Savage taught me this. Oh hold on, he's now 26, and came out of the closet at 18, scratch that.
Snack update: Yum, Morrisons cola bottles are lush, they taste just like petrol.
Nicola's hair is amazing! How does she get it to stay sideways like that? I like her, actually, I've never really seen her talk before. I liked her asking that guy to stop injecting himself with beta carotene, or whatever it was. I think age has made her wiser. She was quite strict with him!
True Romance music! That makes me want to watch Medium instead of crap BBC3 docs. Actually, this isn't crap, it's better than I thought it would be.
OMG they are playing Moz! 'In my life why do I give valuable time to people who I'd much rather kick in the eyeeeeeeeeee?' Cool! Heat is murder? (laboured).
Next Nicola went to the cancer ward, and to the sunbed shops. It was interesting that a lot of sunbed shops are in areas of deprivation; I guess because it's a cheap 'treat'. Have they never seen Final Destination 3?
Skin cancer is one of the grimmest you can get. There should definitely be more regulation in with the sunbeds, stronger health warnings. More emphasis on the accelerated ageing process from burning your skin. If it's about vanity; hit the vanity aspect. No one wants to end up looking like Donatella Versace.
Nicola went to watch the skin cancer being cut out. Watching operations is horrible; I used to work in a plastic surgeons and I could watch any I liked. I didn't take them up on that offer, but I saw them shoving someone's breast implants in once. They hadn't consented to me seeing. Lovely.
Next Nicola went to meet the mum of Hayley, who died from skin cancer. You could see from the pictures how tanned she was. Just awful to think women could unwittingly inflict that on themselves.
Someone rang a radio show to say Nicola was taking pale 'to extremes'. Except being pale doesn't kill you- dur. I liked Nicola getting angry, she seemed honest and just like a normal person. I have newfound respect for her.
Ooh they just played Newborn by Muse. I forgot about when Muse were good.
The Sunbed Association woman looked leathery! Heh. Bad advert.
It's rather trite to say, but I think Nicola Roberts IS beautiful. And it's funny she's always been the 'ugly' one, because so many of my ex boyfriends (ok there's not been THAT many) liked her the best out of Girls Aloud. And now I agree. Quirky beats Tweedy, any day. I admire what she's done. It takes strength to change your position on something and it takes strength to be different. Good on her.
I've never understood the appeal of orange; I've always been the emo kid (well, greebo as it was called back in my day), so pale has always been beautiful to me. I was brought up on Hole's Miss World video, and I wanted face powder as white as Courtney's, and got some, from Stargazer in Camden (where else, the same place you get your stripey socks and pots of Directions hair dye in a rainbow of shades) And nothing has changed. I like complexions like Kelly Osbourne or Dita Von Teese; porcelain white. Tans= Jordan. It also equals hard work when you live in England. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend came back from a holiday in LA once and looked like something off the OC. He looked healthily handsome. We enjoyed it for about three days, and then it was gone. That's how it is to be English- deal with it.
Nicola Roberts big eyebrows are cool! She looks like someone's just dug her up in her cream lace, and I mean that as a compliment. She's like Margaret Thatcher crossed with a sparrow. I'd like to be a little twiggy sparrow like her. I like her pale ginger hair too, I might go for a bit of that at some point.
She looked rubbish with a tan. Gingers aren't meant to have tans. My mum's ginger so I've got the ginger gene, and I know.
It's funny hearing her talk about wanting to 'fit in'- I can't relate to that at all. I've ALWAYS wanted to be different, to look different to everyone else. I'm probably quite boring now by comparison but at least if I go for a haircut, you'll know about it, I don't just get an inch trimmed off and expect you to notice. It's good to make a statement with your appearance.
Nicola went to visit some idiot bloke who uses sunbeds for 28 minutes a day, and then spray tans himself. He made David Dickinson look like Darnell off Big Brother (if you're working for this joke, you need to stoop to my level). But he's just come out the closet, he's allowed to go a bit mental, Dan Savage taught me this. Oh hold on, he's now 26, and came out of the closet at 18, scratch that.
Snack update: Yum, Morrisons cola bottles are lush, they taste just like petrol.
Nicola's hair is amazing! How does she get it to stay sideways like that? I like her, actually, I've never really seen her talk before. I liked her asking that guy to stop injecting himself with beta carotene, or whatever it was. I think age has made her wiser. She was quite strict with him!
True Romance music! That makes me want to watch Medium instead of crap BBC3 docs. Actually, this isn't crap, it's better than I thought it would be.
OMG they are playing Moz! 'In my life why do I give valuable time to people who I'd much rather kick in the eyeeeeeeeeee?' Cool! Heat is murder? (laboured).
Next Nicola went to the cancer ward, and to the sunbed shops. It was interesting that a lot of sunbed shops are in areas of deprivation; I guess because it's a cheap 'treat'. Have they never seen Final Destination 3?
Skin cancer is one of the grimmest you can get. There should definitely be more regulation in with the sunbeds, stronger health warnings. More emphasis on the accelerated ageing process from burning your skin. If it's about vanity; hit the vanity aspect. No one wants to end up looking like Donatella Versace.
Nicola went to watch the skin cancer being cut out. Watching operations is horrible; I used to work in a plastic surgeons and I could watch any I liked. I didn't take them up on that offer, but I saw them shoving someone's breast implants in once. They hadn't consented to me seeing. Lovely.
Next Nicola went to meet the mum of Hayley, who died from skin cancer. You could see from the pictures how tanned she was. Just awful to think women could unwittingly inflict that on themselves.
Someone rang a radio show to say Nicola was taking pale 'to extremes'. Except being pale doesn't kill you- dur. I liked Nicola getting angry, she seemed honest and just like a normal person. I have newfound respect for her.
Ooh they just played Newborn by Muse. I forgot about when Muse were good.
The Sunbed Association woman looked leathery! Heh. Bad advert.
It's rather trite to say, but I think Nicola Roberts IS beautiful. And it's funny she's always been the 'ugly' one, because so many of my ex boyfriends (ok there's not been THAT many) liked her the best out of Girls Aloud. And now I agree. Quirky beats Tweedy, any day. I admire what she's done. It takes strength to change your position on something and it takes strength to be different. Good on her.
Monday, 8 February 2010
TV: Soap and Gory
It's about time I did a soap blog, and I can't let the demise of Klever Kitchens pass by without comment. Corrie has been great lately, particularly Peter Barlow's sudden and spectacular fall from grace last week. I liked it when he went starry eyed and said drinking was like 'coming home'. But why did they call that bar 'The Joinery'? Surely it was crying out to be called 'Bar Lows'. No sorry doesn't help, Peter. Leanne, leave him! Get rid.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.
Gail, I shouldn't worry about David having a party whilst you're away, he had one friend, and that was kebab kid.
Why is Klever Kitchens always pulling that face like his dog's just died? Oh, because he's married to Gail. Why does no one notice that he keeps giving them suicide speeches? When someone starts telling me how they've always cared whatever happens, how much they love me, and to look after myself until I see them again, I immediately search their bag for the Nytol, some opiates or a handgun.
That rich granddad is going to try and squirrel Simon away! Bad man. Ken was right all along. Peter is just skulking round corners smoking fags all episode.
Klever Kitchen's debt collector looks like the late Liam Connor. He's too dishy to be scary. I preferred the debt collector who was chasing Phil Mitchell recently, giving it all 'to wit, Mr Mitchell' and wearing a trenchcoat.
Klever Kitchens admitted he was inspired by 'canoe guy'! Did he read about that on Voggle? Joe, the filth are going to be poring through your internet records! You should have gone to the internet cafe like all the other criminals do. Amateur.
And now an interlude into the pointless doom cloud than is Eastenders. Do you care who killed Archie? Do you REALLY? I care more about Dr Al's friends from Cornwall who wanted to meet Roxy. We never saw any evidence of any such friends, and shortly after, he pootled off in his twatmobile, having never been given a bigger storyline than changing his hairstyle from slick to fringy, and once helping Heather with something boring. Brilliant work, Eastenders scriptwriters, just super.
Talking of brilliant, aren't you enjoying the grim groundhog day quality of the love affair that is Stacey and Bradley? I'm sure you enjoyed the 2 days that they were actually happy in between the dopey girlfriend going back to New Zealand and Stacey revealing she got pregnant by rape. Endless giggles, I'm sure.
DI Marsden listening to Lionel Richie was just inspired. Who writes this stuff? Give them some sort of award, quick!
I like the return of Billy, Bianca's brother, but only because he's played by the same actor. Remember his pre-pubescent androgyny? His afro? What's he been doing all these years in between, that's what I want to know. Peculiarly, he seems to be able to act. Rare for this show, I know.
OMG Sonia! She slipped back in like Sunita in Corrie, like she'd never been gone. Where's Robbie?
Urgh, there's those numpties from that spin off show, which I suffered through for no particular reason. I can never get those braincells back, bruv. Just go away.
Where's Syed??? Where's Christian? How DID Syed get it up in the end, that's what I want to know. I'll give the scriptwriters something; the wedding episodes were top notch. So why do they give us all this shit 3 times a week? Can't they get someone decent to write it at least once a week? Do they really have to only get decent writers in on national holidays?
Hen nights are never something that Eastenders does well. They are listening to Moon Safari by Air! What year is this?! This is the ropiest collection of 'hens' since KFCs farms got raided for cruelty. And that joke was really laboured, I'm sorry, I've had a long day.
That stripper guy is quite fit, but I still want those characters to piss off. Besides, he looks underage.
Bradley said 'you wouldn't let it lie!' I hate Bradley's now! He's leaving, isn't he? Fuck off to Holloway, I mean, Hollywood. Oh, no, I got it right first time... Christ, look at the colour of his face. And his tank top. Give me Max any day of the week.
Hmm, my TV decided not to bother taping the second Corrie. Thanks TV. How I love the ITV catch up player, it's so easy to use! *cough*.
I want to know what's in Klever Kitchen's survival pack! Rubber ring? Tin foil blankee? Fireworks? Honestly, Gail will put up with anything from this dude! She needs to change her taste in men.
Talking of which, Peter Barlow, no one cares when you're down in the gutter! Aw, Simon is SO cute! He almost makes me want to have children. But not really. No wonder that granddad wants to snatch him away. He's probably doing some genetic experiment on him.
What's the bet the nosy neighbours are going to see something they shouldn't? Ah, they did. OMG Klever Kitchens threw her on the floor! What a catch he is! Just let him go, Gail. The man is a menace to society.
Why is Gail still rocking that old Nokia? Is it nostalgia night? Why do they only have phones from 1995 and music from the early 2000s in the soaps tonight? What next, Simon feeding his Tamagotchi whilst listening to Moby?
Ooh, look at the moon! How moving. What next, a 'Gail Force' wind? That's the second husband she's sent to a watery grave. No indie pop hits this time around? I enjoyed the Wannadies as Richard Hillman drove into the canal. They could have dug out some more Moz for Joe. Aw Klever Kitchen's has lost his dinghy. This dude is born to lose. His phone, by contrast, looks quite snazzy. Perhaps he should have took it down cash converters. Oh well, at least we won't have to look at that expression any more. My favourite Klever Kitchen moment was when he smashed up the surgery after listening to The Smiths of course. RIP.
I hate Boyzone dude! He can't act! Get rid of him. I blame him for Peter's demise. Look, he's aiding and abetting sharing a beer with him!
Anyway, we decided the other night that instead of killing off Blanche's character, they should have her send an acerbic postcard every few months, giving us her thoughts on what her family and neighbours have been up to. I'd love to see her thoughts on Peter's latest fuck up. You could even animate it. Now THAT is a spin off show.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
C4: Tower Block of Commons
Exitainment is back and gone high brow (ish). After the cheap winter thrill of CBB, we're back to cheap documentaries and soaps. And a friend recommended I watch this. I'm pleased it's on channel 4 rather than the BBC, as this is the sort of programme the BBC messes up, big time. The only good documentaries the BBC has, are presented by Louis Theroux.
The premise is simple; MPs go live in a tower block to see how their 'voters' live. As if people on council estates vote. As if anyone votes.
It's a bit like Secret Millionaire, but with arseholes. Ian Duncan Smith! IDS! Not just as good as William Hague. Where's he hiding his personality? Tim Loughton, I don't even know who that is. Austin Mitchell I think came to a work thing of mine. Nah, it weren't him. Mark Oaten (Lib Dems) didn't so much come out of the closet but got blasted out by the tabloids. But he only fucked those rent boys because he was having a bad time at work and was feeling a bit depressed. He's not gay! NOT. GAY.
He thinks he's going to have to 'eat McDonalds and watch Coronation Street'. Sweet! Sign me up. Oh, I'm already signed up.
CHOG! (Chav dog) spotted. Whoever designed the council block Mark Oaten went to was some sadistic fucker. It was desolate. Not all bad though, Kathy, his host, has a telly roughly six times bigger than mine. Mark Oaten has a swimming pool! He probably goes out for a sauna.
Tim Laughton (Conservative) went to stay with a single mum, Natina. Ian Duncan Smith went to stay with the rather glamorous Charise. He patronised her mega! 'Do you know what Big Ben is?' Fuck off!
Austin took his wife Linda along, but refused to stay with the common people, instead renting their own council flat. He and his wife revealed themselves to be cunts of the first order in about the first 5 seconds of seeing them.
Selina, their hook up, had a lucky escape that he's not stopping with her. So THIS is where Jeremy Kyle's guests live. It's a bit sad, really. No wonder a night in a hotel seems worth getting him shouting in your face.
Actually though, everyone kept their houses really nice, furniture-wise. I guess they would, if they stay in them all day.
Austin bought a jacket from 'TJ Maxx!' Just as good.
Tim Loughton gives me the creeps. He's like some dark character being played by Adam Buxton on a very bad day. Tory scum! I wonder why people don't like you. Yay, he's getting stick about the expenses scandal, hehe. The guy berating him was quite eloquent! There IS a two-tier system; they steal and get away with it. Haha, then he got accosted by a chavalanche at the local shops!
I like Charise! She's cute. She's giving IDS the runaround.
OMG the mould in Kathy's bathroom! Health and safety! That's totally unacceptable. A shit in the corridor! Lush. Then some chavs said 'aint you the one who got done by the rent boys, you got AIDS!' and Mark Oaten went and cried in a field. Oh dear. Try living there. I liked Kathy saying 'he'll need a noose by the end of the week' quite cheerfully.
Charise and her mates giving IDS a load of shit was funny! Asking him about oral sex! LOLs.
Ha, Natina put Tim on babysitting duty and said 'I swear down if you mess this up you'll be dead meat'.
Mark Oaten; there's nothing wrong with being gay, or even (gosh!) bi! Just admit it and we'll all get along much better. It's the lying that's the bad part.
OMG Ian Duncan Smith dropped out! His wife got cancer... convenient (!) Aw that's a shame, I liked Charise the best. He had the best deal there. Tory fail.
Natina and Tim arguing about his clothes was quite funny. I wasn't feeling his shoes either.
Austin seemed to think that it was funny Selina was on methadone. I wonder what that methadone tastes like? Yum yum. Austin and his wife are totally useless. It's scary that someone who knows nothing about drugs could be influencing drug policy. Shut up about your newspaper, dumbass. And then comparing a heroin addiction to having a glass of wine was just tasteless. That woman is so out of touch it's offensive. OMG Austin said he previously thought the drug's problem was 'folklore'! WTF. Then his stupid wife admitted she used to be hooked on prescription meds! Hypocrite. That prescription meds thing is the biggest crock; people popping all those nasty painkillers complaining about people doing E or weed. At least ecstasy and dope do what they says on the label (OK, illegal drugs don't have labels, but they are aptly named).
Drinking tea and smoking fags all day long sounds like my boyfriend's idea of heaven!
Natina seemed quite hard, I felt for her. It's life that makes you like that. No; it's pain.
Mark Oaten actually seems OK (I know that's the point, because it's a PR stunt), at least he tried to help Kathy rather than scurrying off.
I don't think I've actually seen Tim Laughton walking round on that estate. He's just hiding indoors! Ah he finally went out to a party! Bless him, at least he tried, he looked like a fish out of water. His dancing was hilarious! He must have been mash up by that point. I warmed to him a little at the end.
OMG this in for a another few weeks. It's worth a look, you know, just a little one.
But for the real hardcore; the decent TV starts tomorrow on BBC Three. We got a new series of Snog Marry Avoid, followed by a programme called 'Hotter than My Daughter' which I'm sure is just as good as Date My Mom, followed by a programme on tanning presented by Nicola Roberts (yeah the ugly/ ginger one- oh I forgot, she's not ugly any more. She's FASHION, darling). Now THAT'S a night's viewing.
The premise is simple; MPs go live in a tower block to see how their 'voters' live. As if people on council estates vote. As if anyone votes.
It's a bit like Secret Millionaire, but with arseholes. Ian Duncan Smith! IDS! Not just as good as William Hague. Where's he hiding his personality? Tim Loughton, I don't even know who that is. Austin Mitchell I think came to a work thing of mine. Nah, it weren't him. Mark Oaten (Lib Dems) didn't so much come out of the closet but got blasted out by the tabloids. But he only fucked those rent boys because he was having a bad time at work and was feeling a bit depressed. He's not gay! NOT. GAY.
He thinks he's going to have to 'eat McDonalds and watch Coronation Street'. Sweet! Sign me up. Oh, I'm already signed up.
CHOG! (Chav dog) spotted. Whoever designed the council block Mark Oaten went to was some sadistic fucker. It was desolate. Not all bad though, Kathy, his host, has a telly roughly six times bigger than mine. Mark Oaten has a swimming pool! He probably goes out for a sauna.
Tim Laughton (Conservative) went to stay with a single mum, Natina. Ian Duncan Smith went to stay with the rather glamorous Charise. He patronised her mega! 'Do you know what Big Ben is?' Fuck off!
Austin took his wife Linda along, but refused to stay with the common people, instead renting their own council flat. He and his wife revealed themselves to be cunts of the first order in about the first 5 seconds of seeing them.
Selina, their hook up, had a lucky escape that he's not stopping with her. So THIS is where Jeremy Kyle's guests live. It's a bit sad, really. No wonder a night in a hotel seems worth getting him shouting in your face.
Actually though, everyone kept their houses really nice, furniture-wise. I guess they would, if they stay in them all day.
Austin bought a jacket from 'TJ Maxx!' Just as good.
Tim Loughton gives me the creeps. He's like some dark character being played by Adam Buxton on a very bad day. Tory scum! I wonder why people don't like you. Yay, he's getting stick about the expenses scandal, hehe. The guy berating him was quite eloquent! There IS a two-tier system; they steal and get away with it. Haha, then he got accosted by a chavalanche at the local shops!
I like Charise! She's cute. She's giving IDS the runaround.
OMG the mould in Kathy's bathroom! Health and safety! That's totally unacceptable. A shit in the corridor! Lush. Then some chavs said 'aint you the one who got done by the rent boys, you got AIDS!' and Mark Oaten went and cried in a field. Oh dear. Try living there. I liked Kathy saying 'he'll need a noose by the end of the week' quite cheerfully.
Charise and her mates giving IDS a load of shit was funny! Asking him about oral sex! LOLs.
Ha, Natina put Tim on babysitting duty and said 'I swear down if you mess this up you'll be dead meat'.
Mark Oaten; there's nothing wrong with being gay, or even (gosh!) bi! Just admit it and we'll all get along much better. It's the lying that's the bad part.
OMG Ian Duncan Smith dropped out! His wife got cancer... convenient (!) Aw that's a shame, I liked Charise the best. He had the best deal there. Tory fail.
Natina and Tim arguing about his clothes was quite funny. I wasn't feeling his shoes either.
Austin seemed to think that it was funny Selina was on methadone. I wonder what that methadone tastes like? Yum yum. Austin and his wife are totally useless. It's scary that someone who knows nothing about drugs could be influencing drug policy. Shut up about your newspaper, dumbass. And then comparing a heroin addiction to having a glass of wine was just tasteless. That woman is so out of touch it's offensive. OMG Austin said he previously thought the drug's problem was 'folklore'! WTF. Then his stupid wife admitted she used to be hooked on prescription meds! Hypocrite. That prescription meds thing is the biggest crock; people popping all those nasty painkillers complaining about people doing E or weed. At least ecstasy and dope do what they says on the label (OK, illegal drugs don't have labels, but they are aptly named).
Drinking tea and smoking fags all day long sounds like my boyfriend's idea of heaven!
Natina seemed quite hard, I felt for her. It's life that makes you like that. No; it's pain.
Mark Oaten actually seems OK (I know that's the point, because it's a PR stunt), at least he tried to help Kathy rather than scurrying off.
I don't think I've actually seen Tim Laughton walking round on that estate. He's just hiding indoors! Ah he finally went out to a party! Bless him, at least he tried, he looked like a fish out of water. His dancing was hilarious! He must have been mash up by that point. I warmed to him a little at the end.
OMG this in for a another few weeks. It's worth a look, you know, just a little one.
But for the real hardcore; the decent TV starts tomorrow on BBC Three. We got a new series of Snog Marry Avoid, followed by a programme called 'Hotter than My Daughter' which I'm sure is just as good as Date My Mom, followed by a programme on tanning presented by Nicola Roberts (yeah the ugly/ ginger one- oh I forgot, she's not ugly any more. She's FASHION, darling). Now THAT'S a night's viewing.
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