Christmas Viewing/ Watching/ Reading (but not eating)

Well as usual, TV was pretty crap, but that should be of little surprise. I haven't watched what was probably he best thing on TV Harry Hill's TV Burp because it clashed with Eastenders. I have sky plussed it though and will watch it later tonight. I'm sure it was the best thing on.
So was Eastenders worth watching instead? Well, finally, for two episodes, it was. After the longest build-up in history, the Max/Stacey affair was finally revealed. Having them all discover it at once via the DVD was genius. It's a shame the child who plays Lauren couldn't act. She was unable to show emotion on her face, and was completely out-acted by her little sister, the annoying one with the guinea pigs, who normally breaks into song every five minutes. Luckily, everyone else involved acted pretty well for once and the fall out was all exactly what I wanted to see as a viewer, although perhaps not on Christmas day (slit wrist with your turkey?)
Will Bradley take Stacey back? Probably! Bless him. Max proved himself to be as evil and selfish as expected. Boo! Unfortunately yesterday we were back to all the usual dross, with Parklife, Stephen (Didn't Go To) Acting School Beale, and Ronnie and Roxy (with her My Little Pony hair and frowny forehead). Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Give Phil Mitchell a new year drink, for fuck's sake.
Coronation Street wasn't quite as good as Eastenders, but I enjoyed the whole christmas present mix up and a good old festive beating. The question is, would ANYONE put up with Rosie's personality, no matter how good looking she is?
Deal or No Deal is normally pretty good over Xmas but instead of doubling the money, they decided to ruin Christmas by making it a charity thing. Zzzzzzzzz! I don't want to hear your sob story at Christmas. It's too depressing if they're dying and then they lose. It's just cruel! I was quite disappointed. No doubt they couldn't afford to double the money now they aren't rinsing it out of us via the phone-in competition.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoyed Love Actually again, but perhaps inspired by this my mum made me watch Serendipity which was fucking awful! How unlikeable are Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack in it? I wanted to punch the pair of them. Just the word 'serendipity' makes me want to crush my own fingers with a a hammer rather than ever hear it again. Piss off. I was rooting for their girlfriends and boyfriends in it, as the leads were a selfish, smug pair of twats.
Just about the only other decent thing on at Xmas was Extras, which was the final ever episode. Quite an odd one this, as I watched it early with my boyfriend (we downloaded the US version as it was on earlier). Apart from some very strange American references in it (Kramer and Ryan Seacrest instead of Jade Goody and Same Difference- I mean, do Americans pander to us like this? I don't think so) I really, really enjoyed it. It's not laugh out loud funny, but Ricky Gervais' social (and emotional) commentary is always spot on. The cameos are alright, but they don't make it. I loved the Big Brother stuff, of course. I watched this again at my mums when it was on BBC1 and it went down like a dodgy mince pie. No one laughed once except me and everyone complained that it was boring and not funny. So I think it will probably split opinion and get slated in some parts. But Ricky is still the best.
Oh and further to them making the references more American in it- what's the point when half the jokes are around 'Barry off Eastenders', Dean Gaffney and the Carphone Warehouse? I find it quite patronising.
Oh, I also watched I Am Legend over the Christmas period and it was very enjoyable, up until the point... oh, I'd better not ruin it, should I? But yeah, you'll know what I mean. Is it a zombie overload in moviedom yet? Or do we still like them? I think I still like them a little, and Will Smith is OK, despite the ears.
Oh and I read a book over Christmas that my best mate lent me, which is the first book I've finished in fucking yonks. I've been reading Morrissey: The Albums for 6 months. But I read and finished The Illumination of Merton Browne, by Justin Shaw, which was a tale of a chav who liked to read (a lot) and is somehow incredibly loveable despite him being up to all sorts. It's very easy to read, which is lucky, because I'm lazy. It would make a good film, probably, which is what my mum always says about my stories. So yeah. Read that.

Review: Patrick Wolf Live at Shepherds Bush Empire

Oh yes. The last time I was in Shepherds Bush empire it was to see my OTHER gorgeous jug-eared songwriting-genius Conor Oberst. But tonight it was our very own Patrick Wolf, doing a homecoming/ Christmas gig after a year which saw him splashed over just about everything and probably physically exhausted. We arrived very early (about 6.40) and already the queue was enormous. We were quite surprised, we thought the Bright Eyes turn-out would have been better (I don't know why, I always think Patrick Wolf is quite cult, but I guess he's not anymore).
As is par for the course for the gigs we go to, the queue consisted mainly of 16 year old girls so we felt very old. Still, it's not enough to make me start liking something shit so I'll grin and bear it.
We queued for YONKS and eventually got in, standing, about three rows back from the front. We were quite lucky at first because we seemed to have 25 girl midgets standing in front of us. The atmosphere appeared to be one of serenity, with them administering glittery dandruff on each other and blowing bubbles. It was like Spongebob and Patrick's wet dream. I though we were in for a quiet, relaxing night. But not so.
For the first half hour Patrick performed an acoustic set, which was lovely. He looked AMAZING (see our photo!) and had a fabulous blackbird in his hair like a hat. I also like to wear a bird in my hair at Christmas, so I'm clearly on the ball.
I was a bit annoyed at first because a lot of people were joking and talking through the first song which was pretty annoying, but they actually stopped after that. Some of the songs I didn't know, but I love hearing new stuff from him live and hearing him play the piano. He also played Wolf Song and The Marriage and Bishi came on looking very cool.
It was in between this mellow set and his main set that the trouble started, with the crowd becoming really busy and lots of people pushing forwards. I really didn't think people would be that rowdy at Wolfy, it was a lot mellower at Bright Eyes. Unfortunately I suffer from claustrophobia in crowds, and it was getting a bit TOO crowded for me (we were very central). I literally couldn't move my arms or legs and certainly couldn't dance. The moronic girls behind singing fucking Disney songs didn't help (yeah bah humbug, I'm old, just pipe down).
Anyway, Patrick came back on and did Overture. This was the end of my time at the front, as the guy behind me's double whammy of virtually sticking his dick in my back whilst tunelessly bellowing in my ear was enough for me. I came to hear Patrick sing, not this spotty twonk (it's hard to believe people like this could be Patrick Wolf fans). But if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's if someone is annoying you at a gig, move. They are the only thing you'll remember otherwise. Not everyone is an inconsiderate prick.
I left my boyfriend behind and I worked my way backwards a bit, to the bar on the right hand side, which actually wasn't that far back. Here I treated myself to a double vodka and lemonade, breaking my usual no drink rule (I have a weak bladder!) I was great by the bar, I could still see a lot and I could dance. The best part was Patrick threw himself into the crowd and ended up right next to me! He seemed to have lost his shoes. I was reminded of the 'all crowd surfers will be removed sign' but I don't think it applied to Patrick as he is half-elf and can do what the fuck he likes.
Setlist highlights: Bluebells, Get Lost, The Lighthouse, Tristan, the Libertine. Also the two new songs Vulture and Hard Times sounded absolutely amazing. I can't wait to hear the studio versions.
Another great moment was when Patrick crawled up the speakers on the opposite side to me and was singing Bloodbeat and dropped in a bit of 'Bleeding Love' by Leona and 'Gimme More' by Britney. Patrick is such a diva! He also sported a very Who-ville style quiff when he came back on.
Before the encore I spotted my boyfriend again and went back into the thick of it (but not quite so near the front- whoever thought I'd be pushed out of a Patrick Wolf moshpit?) Patrick seemed somewhat tiddly when he returned and was dressed as a giant Santa Claus/ snowball/ bauble. God bless him. He did a flawless version of Accident and Emergency and then a fantastic Boy Like Me (two dogs, two cats, a big kitchen and a welcome mat!). It was great because we were closer but there was still room to dance, and a really good atmosphere, unlike earlier when people were being knobs.
The finale of The Magic Position was brilliant, I loved the snow! The Magic Position is still the happiest song ever. The best lyrics. Patrick definitely seemed half-cut at the end, ramblingly introducing his band members and discussing the merits of the chicken shops of Shepherds Bush before going off to a couple of lines from 'Rocking Around the Christmas tree'. I would have loved one more song, but that's only because I'm greedy. He didn't play the piano so much and I love some of the piano-led ones like The Stars. But all in all, fabulous.
Any grumbles about the gig were to do with the crowd, not the Wolf. He is truly unique and very special, with a fantastic voice, incredibly versatile and puts on a very different, yet exciting show every time I see him. We are lucky to have him. It was a glittery, sparkling start to Christmas.

Film Review: Enchanted

Forgive me for not blogging much lately but I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Still, as most of my favourite activities involve my right hand (writing, internet and playing on the Wii, you pervert!) I'll soldier on briefly.
I thought the trailer for Enchanted looked like good fun. Weirder, Tookey (of Daily Mail fame), the only film-hating film critic on earth, gave it five so I was further intrigued, as normally he dishes out turkeys like he's Bernard Matthews.
I was a little worried at first, as I didn't find the cartoon bit at the start funny enough- self referential yes, but the Frankenstein's monster assortment of cutesy animals wasn't enough to whet my appetite. I also thought it might be a bit too twee for the men in the audience (sexist!)
I thought the film really kicked in when Giselle called on the rats and cockroaches to clean the house; that was a nice twist on the old Disney cliche. I thought the female lead Amy Adams was very good, and looked beautiful. I liked her line in princess dresses too, she looked worse when they did her up like a 'human'. I also liked the ridiculous dance routine in the park, and the general culture clash. I did not like the witch OR the chipmunk.
The ending was far too obvious- I know it's Disney, but they could have mixed it up a bit. Despite the token attempt at role reversal at the end, I thought this movie was as staunchly anti-feminist as any other Disney film. The moral of the story seemed to be behave, tidy up and get along with kids and you'll be happy.
Boo! They should have had her becoming a smoking, drinking harpie. New York should have broken her! Hmm, anyway. This is a good way to kill a couple of hours over Christmas but you'll learn nothing.

X Factor Finale: Leon!

I'm not going to gloat because I think Leon did pretty dire, however we jumped around the room like loonies when he won (as my boyfriend had a tenner on him... and won £140!) So I'm getting taken out tomorrow night! (well, to the Odeon and to KFC)
I'm glad the underdog won... I never liked Rhydian. Leon cruised through on his good looks n manky teeth. Good luck to him. Rhydian looked OK about it. I did think Leon sung the final song better and Rhydian will get a good job anyway. it could have been back to the shoe shop for Leon without this win. As for 'such nice people' Same Difference: I'm sure they'll get singing jobs, one way or another.
On Xtra Factor Rhydian looked proper gutted which warmed my heart. He couldn't even pretend to be happy for Leon(a). I guess it just goes to show that you need to be likeable as well as professional. Leon was 3rd favourite to win at the start of the night.
Anyway- I'm super hammered. Fearne needs to cut her fringe. Much love to Mr Blister. This is what happens when you support Arsenal. ;-)

X Factor: The Final (Like Rabbits Caught in the Highlights)

Ok I'm smashed because I've been playing my own X Factor drinking game (at the last minute we added in any cliche which proved deadly). But here's the news anyway:
It was a rubbish final. SD 1st song: strange child elf... the chritmas tree lights didn't go on when they were meant to. Louis decided to shuffle some papers. What papers were they? I have no idea. Altogether cheesy as fuck. But good news, there was more than 10 people on stage with Same Difference for each song. Distraction! (And drinks)
Leon 'dark horse' sang White Christmas, which was rubbish- he should have sang Last Christmas instead. He would have smouldered. Bland bland bland. Boo.
Rhydian's super white Nazi-youth (white angel) hair looked good. The first song was shit. I hoped he'd stand up with dirty knees after he knelt on the floor. And he dragged out the children's choir! Gimmick. They lit him as if he was Jesus. God damn.
Did you notice the roving reporters? Rhydian gets Myleene (not Welsh but quite well liked). SD get Jade Goody's ex. And Leon gets some cunt I used to go to school with! What the fuck? How unfair.
The next round saw the acts 'dueting' with some stars. SD got Jason Donavan, looking like a bug-eyed, Asda-brand Christian Slater. It was absolutely dreadful. I wish the judges could have commented and vomited all over it. Rhydian didn't fare much better. That woman sounded like she was gargling a boxful of frogs. 'So much charisma' WHERE??? Where is it fucking hiding? I can't see it.
Whilst watching Leon and Kylie, the Smiths lyric 'And death for no reason is murder' rattled around in my head. Kylie looked like she was wearing a lacy 'body' from dahn the market. Her face looked fucking melted. I once counted 50 Kylie posters on my wall when I was 9 years old, so I feel qualified to judge, and now when i see her I think, 'just go have children if you want them so much. Cos soon you'll be too old and all the sequins in the world won't be the same.' (Don't get me wrong, I hate children, but she's always bleating about wanting them. Seems to me she's more addicted to botox. Even Dannii's fitter than her these days.)
The 'auditonees' (read 'Losers') medley was just plain cruel. I hope that fat one tops herself tonight and the relatives sue Simon for all he's got.
And so finally. SD did High School Musical. Is it wrong to say I quite like that song? I enjoed Louis saying the looked 'like rabbits caught in the highlights'. He should know, the squinty little shit. Leon was just dreadful- he should have done the Westlife one. As it was, he sang (and I quote) 'the three blandest songs on the planet',
Rhydian was on last- well, what a surprise! After they lit him like the second coming earlier, it was obvious they were going to favour him to the end. he came on with his bow-tie unbuttoned like he'd just stood up to sing at a wedding. You should have doen Phantom, Rhydian! Or Freddie! Where was the glitter???
Anyway. Let's await the vote. And weep.

The End of The World Cult

This show was about the Strong City cult in New Mexico run by self-appinted messiah Michael Travesser (aka Wayne Bent).
'I have some news. The world will end on the 31st October 2007. Oh shit, that's been and gone. I guess I'm not the Messiah after all.' You think then the cult members would pack up and leave. But I guess they just pick a new date.
How do you convince someone to let you sleep with their wife? It's quite a trick. 'God wants this and God wants that.' Oh, Ok then. Here, take all my money, fuck my wife, abuse my child.
I'd like to call these people stupid, but it's something worse than that. Everyone in this show looked utterly lobotomised, waiting for death. No one smiled. How do you get people into that state? Were they once sentient? There was something other-wordly about them. How mentally beaten do you have to be to give over your children?
Michael told the children that then needed to be 'naked in front of God' so they agreed. Then he decided to hold them whilst this happened. This really is sophisticated child abuse, when the victim is implicit, when the victim thinks you're Jesus. God told him to lie down with seven naked virgins. The only mind-boggling thing is he admitted it on TV, and compared himself to a doctor. 'Doctors put their hands in women and think about sex.' Not if they do it 12 times a day. They are probably thinking about what's for dinner.
What sort of documentary did Michael think would be made about him? Did he think the film maker would agree with him when society didn't? Did he REALLY think it was the end of the world, and wanted to document his journey before then? But what would anyone care if we were all obliterated? I just don't get that part.
Then Michael's son Jeff admitted that 'God came down and forced Michael' to consumate with Jeff's wife. It was a terrible, strange act of God. He was astonished and so was Michael. Not half as astonished as Jeff's wife I bet. For fuck's sake. Wake up. His son couldn't even look up as this was discussed. Utterly depressing.
It was also terrifying that the children who's parents had come to collect them eventually ran back to Michael. He said he had sacrificed his life for them. Actually, they had just sacrificed their personalities.
So life didn't end on October 31st after all. Instead they just walked outside shouting 'liberty'. Oh well. At least they didn't top themselves. I think that's an 'at least'. Or is living for them somehow worse?
PS. Michael set a new date for the end of the world- and it is today. So if you thought the most exciting part of the night was going to be the X factor final, you may have a shock in store. Then again...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

I wrote this for my mate at the Rhydian fan site but I want my mates to get trashed too! Enjoy...

The X Factor Final Drinking Game

Your drink of choice, but I suggest measures of one shot or one glass of wine, or one
pint of beer... warning, you will be absolutely HAMMERED by the end of this.

You must down your drink in one for any mention of...

'a journey...'
'you've come such a long way'
'that was a very safe performance'
'you'd better do better with your second song'
'the voting is really close'
'I think you're at risk'
'fabulous!'
'nailed it'
'owned the stage'
Simon saying any of the following...
'karaoke'
'cabaret'
'wedding'
'hotel'
'world class'
'100%'- one shot
'110%' two shots
'150%'- three shots
'a million/ billion/ trillion percent'- four shots- god help you.

Bonus drinks...

Any of the judges or contestants crying
Dermot crying
Simon alluding to Louis being gay
Louis alluding to Simon being gay
Dannii making an inappropriate whooping sound
Sharon mentioning her kids/ Ozzy
Kelly Osbourne in the audience
Louis dissing Dannii's pop career
Simon winking
Louis squinting
Louis mentioning Westlife
Simon stands up to applaud someone's act
Sharon dances to someone's act
Any past contestants spotted in audience
Any mention of Leona Lewis or Shayne Ward
Any of the judges commenting on the other's plastic surgery/ hair/ teeth
The acts being forced to perform a medley
Louis saying either Beverley or Niki should be in the final
Sharon saying 'I'm impartial'
Any mention of dead relatives/ poverty/ illness/ the awful jobs they will have to go back to

Specialist contestant section:

Leon
If he wears a waistcoat
Any mention of Michael Buble
If he clasps his hands together in prayer
If he mentions how he has to do it for his mum
If he shakes

Rhydian
If he wears something glittery
If they play 'Phantom of the Opera' music to introduce him
Any mention of Wales
Any judge saying 'we're looking at the winner'
If he does an overlong plea for votes and Dermot has to interrupt him

Same Difference
If they look longingly into each others eyes
If there are more than 10 other people on stage with them (distraction technique!)
Louis shaking his head in disgust whilst they are on
Louis saying anything about Butlins
Any mention of bullying
Any shots of their local working men's club

Disclaimer: I cannot be held accountable for any liver failure as a result of the drinking game.

The Secret (Asian) Millionaire

Oh yes. The only decent thing on TV at the moment. Hankies at the ready. Today followed Mo Chaudry who owns some water parks in Britain and has 60 million pounds. His parents moved from Pakistan when he was a child and he has basically disowned his Pakistani roots and married a white woman. He even looked quite white, really, with bluish eyes. Not that I'm accusing him of a Jacko style cover-up. He went to stay in 'the curry mile' in Leeds with the cover story that he was 'reconnecting with his Asian roots'. Which of course is what he ended up doing. I was surprised he admitted to being prejudiced about his own community. Not something you hear that often.
The millionaires always go and stay in some flat that looks like the kind of flat that I'd live in and go 'ERGH!' Hey ho. He then went and got a job as an assistant at a gym. He also helped out at the local radio station and someone rang up and abused him for marrying a non-Muslim. Charming.
One thing that annoys me about these millionaires is they are always like 'I did it, so why can't you?' Don't they understand you have to have a hell of a lot of luck to become a successful business person? Fair enough, they've grafted, but it's not like everyone could do it, or everyone would, wouldn't they? Some people don't know how. Some people have other hopes and dreams. it's not that simple.
There was something less heartwarming about this weeks show than normal. The causes didn't seem as worthy. The shop radio guy- like I care. He only trusted you cos you had a fuck-off camera with you. Aw- the 'brothers' comment nearly made me crack though. I wish white people had some sense of solidarity or community. Or do I? I don't know.
I felt like Winston (the gym guy) and his girlfriend were almost begging for money from Mo, something people never normally do. Had they sussed him? But I did cry at the final hurdle when Winston cried. He was speechless.
You got me. You always do. Next week I want to cry from about halfway through though.

Sex In The Noughties: The Sex Blog Girls

God, it is an offense to the eye and mind to write the word 'noughties'. Have you ever heard this decade described by a human and not written by a journalist as that? No, because it sounds ridiculous. This is a faceless decade, and the sooner we're in the tens, the better. Hold on, the tens sounds shit, too.
Anyway, I digress. I decided to watch this programme about girls who like to write about their sex lives in their blogs. As you may have noticed, my blog isn't about the intimate details of my love life, and for that, you should be truly thankful. The show featured Zoe Margolis (pseudonym Abby Lee), the writer of the infamous 'Girl with a one track mind' blog. If I have a one track mind, it's for crappy TV. I can't really relate to these sex-obsessed women, and I feel kind of prudish about the whole subject, to be honest. I can't say I ever check out bloke's packages. Ever. I just see if they've got nice eyes. God, I'm boring.
Sex is a feminist issue for women though; and Zoe is right: women should be allowed to talk about their sex lives on the exact same playing field as men. Women should be able to have sex if they want and not be labelled a slut, whore or slapper. It is one of the most obvious differences between men and women that there is no male word for slut, and if there is, then it's something to be proud of, a player, a cad. Why don't women get a slap on the back for the phone numbers they pick up of a night, rather than whispered about?
Personally, I find neither men nor women shagging around indiscriminately interesting or entertaining. I'm too squeamish to read about it. I've never gossiped with my friends about sex. I couldn't even watch Sex in the City. I think I am a stereotypical uptight English person. I think sex is between two people and that's it (how conservative am I?!) But I defend to the death womens RIGHT to talk about whatever they want and to not be judged (even if it makes me cringe).
Jessica Cutler was an American anonymous sex blogger, sleeping with six guys. Her work found out who she was and sacked her! Why!? What has it got to do with her job? It's just because they don't like women, especially not sexually adventurous ones.
On the back of this, journalists back home tried to trace 'Abby Lee' and also the prostitue sex blogger Belle De Jour. To show them up, basically, because they are naughty woman who shouldn't be talking about sex (just taking it).
I really liked the aspect of sex blogging involving taking back the power from women's magazines, and the fact that the things individual women are into are not the things we are told to like. How often to women's magazines talk about men and women being either dominant or submissive in bed? It's always just ridiculous, unworkable techniques and recycled ideas from the 60s. I like the freedom of expression and not towing the party line.
It was really interesting that Zoe's book got published and none of her family even knew about it. What a secret! There is something extremely sick and masochistic about the tabloids 'unmasking' her. If they treated women as humans in the first place, perhaps she wouldn't have had to publish the book anonymously. It was not in the public interest to out her. They are just cunts. I felt sorry for her that she couldn't write about it anymore. It must have been very liberating.
I wish an agent would spot my blog and give me a book deal. But I'm nowhere near kinky enough!

America's Next Top Model

This is for Andy and Kellie, as at least I know they've been watching it.
So it's the penultimate week. The girls left are Dionne (pretty vacant), Renee(demonic Zoe Ball lookalike), Jaslene (horse-faced borderline drag-queen whom they almost never show- so she aint going to win it) and my favourite Natasha, (pillow-lipped mail order Russian bride). The others hate Natasha because she's better looking than them, and has no inhibitions. Oh, and because she's foreign. It's ugly when people gang up and Natasha took it very well. Personally, I just want to see what Natasha's husband looks like.
I hate Renee because she has no soul. She has already dragged up being poverty-stricken and being abused to garner sympathy. Did you see her grasping for the jewels when she won the challenge? She has no heart. Dionne- the lights are on but nobody's home. And Jaslene is like an annoying caricature.
Today they were in Australia so they did some Aborigine crap. I found it rather tedious. Perhaps they should have dressed up as kangaroos instead. Natasha was ill so she did crap on the shoot, but Jay was trying to help her so he must like her too.
Tyra wasn't in it nearly enough this week. We need her for the comedy factor. She looked really normal too. What a let down. I like it when she's a complete schizo. She did gurn a bit though, so you do get your money's worth somehow.
I was happy at the end! Tyra messed with them. You could see it coming. Fuck you, bitches.
Natasha to win! Sod America. She's ace.

X Factor: The Semi-Final

To entertain myself this week I decided to cliche spot. Sadly for me, we only got 'the gloves are off', 'dark horse', 'hairs on the back of my neck stood up' (twice), and 'nailed it' 7000 times. Simon's normally good for a 'thousand percent' or two, so shame on him.
Dannii looks alternately gorgeous and awful every other week, and unfortunately for her she was having a wiggy Afghan week. Niki performed one dreary song and one which made Louis nod his head like a little puppy. I like it when he does that.
Leon sang two interminable jazz numbers, shaking like an abused kitten in his dad's suit for the first song. I really wanted him to say 'I've wanted to meet Michael Buble my whole life'. Leon wore leather trousers for his second number, which looked horrible and you couldn't even see his knob. Boo. Simon was right that he didn't connect with the audience. He looked like he was going to death row, and was lucky to survive, in my opinion. Sort it aht, Leon. We're relying on you in this house to eat next week.
Dannii missed a trick by not getting Grhydian to sing 'Like a Virgin'! That would have brought the fucking house down. He had a little quiff tonight instead of the full Bart Simpson. I wish Grhydian was still ginge. I like gingers. I thought he was going to do the Nazi salute at any given moment. Simon stood up, so it must have been good, but we weren't feeling it in Roseland. I think my boyfriend summed it up best with the comment, 'If I wasn't sure Simon was gay before the series began, I'm fucking positive now.'
'The Same Difference' as Michael Buble called them (and it's a much better name) sang one of Simon's favourite gay anthems for the first song. One of the dancers had a Same Difference tattoo! So at least the have one fan for life (or until he has a bath). For their second song, the bullied (get over it) Same Difference sang a racist anthem by S Club 'go back to your own country' 7. See the way they stared into each others eyes when they sang 'you'll always be my baby'? VOMIT. They are deffo fucking. On the plus side, they sang better than normal and I was quite moved by the sobbing (which definitely kept them in).
So. That was it. I was glad Niki went 'back to serving beans next week'. See ya!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Coming Out

You may have noticed I stopped writing about I'm a Celebrity, because I got proper bored with it. Janice should have won, although Biggins was a legend eating the testicles. But Janice's fake crying as a vote winner for me.
I thought this show would be awful but it was actually quite interesting watching what all the parters got up to whilst the anti-celebs frolicked in the jungle. The whole Marc Bannermann thing looked like more of a farce than ever: his girlfriend looked non-plussed and it all looked SO staged. When he was watching it on telly going 'oh god...' You were THERE! You DID IT. Div.
John Burton Race's partner was a bitch. Katie Hopkins' partner looked too good for her (although not much) and called her 'gorgeous'. Lynne's partner seemed like a drip. Lynne was more of a cunt than ever out of the jungle, courting the paparazzi and slagging Rodney in front of his daughter. Then kissing his arse when he came out! What an embarrassment.
Did I need to see John in the bath? No.
Anna Ryder-Richardson, wake up! You ARE DULL AND BORING! Do you need Katie Hopkins to tell you this? Hollyoaks Mute came out and went 'want chocolate!' Dur-brain. Sink back into obscurity, chav. You have less personality than Anna Ryder Richardson.
I couldn't bear to watch that bit again where Cerys looked over her shoulder for Marc. That was a proper cringefest. It sucked he didn't show. What a prick. Total humilation on TV. I can't believe she sold her story either. I could have wept reading it, it was so embarrassing. Let Chantelle and Preston be your warning! And not just in matters of the heart.

X Factor: 'I thought the eyes were great'

Two songs each tonight so twice the pain. The show kicked off with Rhydian, who our house-guest described quite accurately as 'that Swedish-looking freaky little gnome thing'. I think the dancers were wearing sunglasses so they didn't have to look at him. His suit was OK though. He did his usual singing. He'd be good in the theatre but I'm not interested in him as a pop singer.
Hope managed to achieve the almost impossible task of singing worse than the Spice Girls. I don't like it when they put the leery one up front- stick to the skunk one.
Niki did 'turn around Bright Eyes.' Wind machine! She was wearing a tent. I just turn off my brain when she's on. She's unlikeable.
Leon did Queen too- yawn. Was it an AIDS theme his week? He did his stupid puppet thing again, I can't even watch. And a waistcoat too! Horrific. Lucky he's still cute. His future will be one crap swing album, then onto the obscurity bus. Blah.
Same Difference wisely made the girl not sing much. The brother can sing. When the doors opened behind them I thought they were sending the firing squad in but sadly, it was a bunch of gap-toothed kids. Puke.
Second song: Queen again! I thought Hope did much better. Even the tranny one sang in tune. I thought it was good fun. Much better than Five's version, haha. I do hate that fucking song though.
Leon's second song was much better. I like it when he stares moodily down the camera lens. He does have something in his eyes that Rhydian doesn't have; it's called sex appeal.
Same Difference sent the fear of God through me by mentioning the words 'family disco'. I like Wham but they did murder it somewhat. Niki did Sting! Don't tell anyone but I like that song. She sang it alright actually. Simon was wrong. Shame on Louis for digging up the dead dad. Poor show.
Rhydian finished the show by singing another song with no tune. Outstanding? I don't GET IT. He has the cold dead eyes of a snake. He says nothing to me about my life. He also looks angry when people criticise him. Take it on the chin, Welsh boy! 'I love all British people'. I don't!
It's a shame Hope went. I quite like them! Oh well, they should have worn their underwear again.