Big Brother 2014: S.T.E.V.E.N.P.U.S.H.O.F.F

I haven't written a blog since I was called shallow and illiterate - too busy crying. Not really, I've been wondering how they're gonna fix Big Brother next. At least I predicted it in my last blog; we were enjoying the show too much; they had to ruin it again, by putting the favourite up. And the most scary part was, Steven could have been saved from the block with that stupid twist. That could have actually happened. Scary, isn't it?
Why has Zoe got a hunchback? Perhaps she's growing a tail. New housemates got shafted big time by the old housemates this week; they're not gameplanning, they're just boring. I actually feel a bit sorry for them because they're being ostracised for no reason. Helen's dressed like X Factor US era Cheryl Cole.
They are showing Ashleigh saying she doesn't think she's going! Mixers. It's another few quid in the pocket of Bruv, innit.
The old housemates patronising Pav is quite annoying. I wish Winston would get off his case.
I don't think Chris needs tasks that make him look more creepy. And I don't think Zoe gives many 'lob ons'. Mark is more assaulting Christopher than arousing him.
BBUK housemates are not cut out for endurance. Good to see them strategising already, though. Steven: 'I could stay here all night.' Just like his sex sessions. I see the gunge is back. They must have got a job lot off ebay. But the REAL task is... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Get who out? Sounds like Zoe. Yet she had the fewest votes, WTF. I don't get why Pav is getting booed.
Kimberly is Steve's friends and family now. Tragic. Are they chanting 'cheat' at her? I wish Steven's mum would fuck off. That friends and family section went on for aeons.
Why don't Mark and Steven judge the newbies on face value and not on hearsay?
Mark treats Christopher like a piece of shit. He's like a mini Pauline the way he treats Christopher. His game has gone out the window this week.
Steven it's too late for 'journey' talk. Hit the road. Did Zoe really say she was only fit to talk to celebs? Dearie me. And once she was safe, too!
Are the crowd really chanting 'get Pav out'? But it was Steven! Thank god.
He has to have the eye shut during his interview like a proper hate figure. He looks under the cosh. Of course you don't agree with people putting you up, idiot.
No 30 seconds to say goodbye to Kimberly, boo hoo. Steven didn't look embarrassed about ANY of his highlights. Shameless.
Five people have had sex in the Big Brother house? Is the odd number Kinga?
Emma going on at Steven about the sex. Blah. Ooh, she's mentioning him being controlling, good. And the photos. Steven doesn't get it and will never get it. I honestly think he's unhinged.
Ooh, he's put on a few pounds in the house, hasn't he. No ham on toast in his best bits? Poor cow.
Kimberly nearly got smacked on the head with the eye. Their cuddle was so awkward! Steven wants booze, not robo-fanny. I doubt if his mum will leave his side all night, the interfering old bag.
We have the power to protect a housemate? The REAL task will probably be that they get the boot. This is what happens when you lose the trust of your viewers. That and your ratings go the way of Mark's popularity. Night!

Big Brother 2014: Battle of the blands

Run bilious blog.
Hiya! Thought I'd better do a blog NOT on an eviction night for once. I do feel I've dropped the ball with my blog; but then Big Brother have dropped the ball with these housemates, so I guess it's checkmate. Still: I'll soldier on and just pray for a better series next time, or for someone who gives a shit about Big Brother to buy it. Live feeds don't work? Seem to be working in BBUS just fine. Our BB is so cheap and nasty in comparison, it makes me feel grubby. Also, these new housemates are hopeless. Danielle for them was NOT a good swap. Everyone is so odious at this point that Helen and Ash are looking positively charming. How did THAT happen?!
Some other things: I'm fed up with Chris getting singled out in EVERY SINGLE task. Can you remember the last time Helen got stitched up? That someone saw Helen bitching? No, because it's never happened. Maaaaaaark's game is unraveling fast, and the weaker he gets, the stronger and more sane Christopher seems. He's sweet and charming, and you can't say that for anyone else in the house. He's my pick to win right now.
Ashleigh sold Danielle down the river way too fast for my liking, but it's not like Danielle didn't do it to her as well (letting Helen call Ashleigh a bitch) so I'll call that a draw.
So Kimberly was gone for good (not a great shock there) and they give psycho Steve a PHONE CALL. Why, exactly?! Big Brother is about making people SWEAT about the outside world, not reassuring them, and especially not reassuring this entitled prick. He really does get everything he wants, and I can't bear it. I hope he chokes on his ham and toast. Are we missing Kimberly? No, we are not. Still, an interview with her would be nice. Even ejected housemates get an interview. What gets her off the hook? Hospital? She was in the morgue a couple of weeks ago and still looked lively.
Anyway, onto tonight. Battle of the bands! They did this in BBAU and it was really good. The song they sang was really catchy and got stuck in my head. They spend a few quid on their tasks, though, unlike us. They recorded their vocals and everything. Can't see that happening here.
Did Ash and Helen do more under the covers? I don't know and I'm happy not to know. Let's just use our imagination, or not as the case may be. All the 'jokes' on Twitter about her invoicing Ash etc are absolutely pathetic (as opposed to absolutely fantastic) by the way. But we do love to slut shame, don't we. People just cannot resist it. Ash and Helen are well matched; I just don't have much confidence in him to stick by her (even as a friend) once his mum has her say.
Mark not choosing Christopher for his team! What a prick. Mark's treatment of Christopher is really poor. And Christopher's little face, too. Aw.  
So it's Florence and the (Dialysis) Machine vs The Killers. How can people not know how Mr Brightside goes? Animals! Dear God, I hate Zoe. She loves herself SO much! She's super bossy, too. It's like doing karaoke with someone who can actually sing. Annoying. It reminds me of when Rex's girlfriend came in and did Thriller. That's the only thing I can remember about her. Except she was a complete cunt.
Aw, Christopher at the back is too cute. Nice to see Ashleigh with a smile on her face for once, too.
Mark is getting The Killers confused with Bon Jovi, lol. Winston during that song made me cry with laughter. Ashleigh bitching about them was funny, as well. The Killers was clearly more entertaining! Haha, and they won. Hilarity.
Mark getting overruled on inviting Ashleigh to the party. Talk about outvoted. Helen is so bossy! How Ash ever stayed on the block when the boys were up is beyond me with Helen 'alwaysintheright' in his corner.
I don't blame Ashleigh for being annoyed! On Helen: 'She's an absolute tramp.'Weeeeeeelll (refer to my earlier comment).
Christopher pining over Mark; Mark was the weak link in the band if anything. Oh God, Helen's on the cider. God help us.
I like Ashleigh's reaction to being chosen as the power housemate. I voted for Christopher! I'm glad Ashleigh got it, though. Shit though, everyone who's been the power housemate has pretty much left so far. Mind you, it's secret so maybe that will help her. I'd say her acting was so/so when it got announced. Steven: 'I think Pauline's coming back in.' What?! Finger so not on the pulse .
Detective Winston is on the case of the power housemate! He needs the moustache again. Ashleigh seems somewhat drunk for someone who doesn't drink. And Chris is doing a drunk diary room.
Helen fretting about losing her pass. Steven trying to force Ash and Helen into a relationship! Stop! It's not good to be a hash pusher.
ARE Big Brother going to give Ashleigh the power to evict Helen? That would be delicious. So they probably won't.
Helen would give her pass to the final to STEVEN! Argh! Why is she always so rude to Christopher! It's horrible. Her and Mark should be ashamed. I hope Mark doesn't win, purely because of his treatment of Christopher. I'd rather see Winston take it as at least he sticks up for people.
Ashleigh likes having the power, because she likes hatching evil plans. Can she finally finish off what she started with Ash this week? I like it when she's super confident in the diary room. She looks stunning again when she's not carping in the corner. Are we actually going to have a happy week? Happy happy house? Nah, don't be silly. I'm sure they'll think of a way to fuck it right up. Remember Toya was the power housemate and went home? Expect the unexpected. And unwanted. And unfair. Night all!

Big Brother 2014: This is a really nasty bunch of people

Evening! So, three new housemates and all of them pure arseholes. Good work, Big Brother.
So only the two SAVED new housemates get to vote on which original housemate to evict.Save Pav, in that case, as he's the only one talking sense.
OMG Kimberly is ill and has temporarily left the house and is SAFE from eviction. She won't be back. I can't believe Steven allowed her out. What's wrong with her? Pregnant? Getting a change of head? It's weird that she's safe from eviction. That was good timing on her part. Hopefully it increases the chances of Steven leaving.
Chris now likes all the original housemates. I think it's catching as I have warmed towards Helen and Ash this week, which is messed up. Editing!
Does Steven get the joke of 'open up to Steven'? I suspect not. Steven kind of works as a chat show host. Yay, Pav is taking down Steven's firework nonsense. Steven: 'No one came in here for the 100K'. WTF! I didn't understand how Steven could turn 100K of fireworks into 300K. I think because it made no sense.
Zoe telling Ashleigh to 'whip her hair round'. Shut up. Zoe doesn't want to smell Steven 'having a bonk'. Me either.
Biannca is pledging to do a Kinga 2. Fair dos.
Winston: 'You're not going to get the right guy saying I want to ride your cock.' Biannca: 'I don't want the right guy, I just want to sit on your cock.' That's him told.
OMG Biannca is making Danielle crying by calling her a horny devil! Aw, poor Danielle, the whole facade is crumbling. I wish Biannca would shut her giant yap.
OMG an actual advert for fanny spray. Toya, RIP.
Helen gets off the hook in these tasks EVERY TIME. Good on that injunction, hey?
LOL to Dexter's penis size getting dragged through the mud. Danielle is upset cos she's been described as 'horny'. Helen is not helping matters.
Danielle admitted about the topless stuff when Danielle wasn't there! Why is Biannca so bothered if Danielle has had sex or not? Let her be deluded if she wants. Stop trying to drag everyone down to your level, Biannca.
LOL to the sign saying 'Two second Steve #topshagger'. Good work.
Chris = not a Britney fan. 'The others are pretending to have fun'. Ha, they probably are. Chris was spot on, they are a nasty bunch of people and who cares what Danielle has done? So true about Helen's secret as well.
Remember when Danielle was moanging about Helen working out topless?! Now Bianca is rolling round naked. LOL. They're wrapping her in a piece of cardboard. Danielle's not happy.
'Stop touching my face.' How romantic.
Helen and Ash getting off! Took them long enough. Is Kimberly gonna crawl along the floor and bang her head on his bed?
What are the crowd chanting? 'You slept with Steven?' 'Two second Steven?' Shame Kimberly's not there to hear that. Mind you, she already knows.
Noobs eviction! Is Zoe wearing a leather top? She's bold in this heat. Why is Pav getting booed?
Biannca is leaving! That's good as she was too in with Helen. I wasn't sure who would go. Hopefully Pav and Zoe will make a sensible decision.
OMG to Biannca getting her boobs out at the top of the stairs. Emma is not impressed. She's such a prude, ha. Biannca is getting 'who are ya' chanted at her. I can't believe they're interviewing her out there. Poor thing! At least I don't have to type 'Biannca' anymore. Here's your best tits. Let's face it, we'd seen all that Biannca had to offer.
Shit it's the real eviction. The crowd seem keen for Steven to go, right. OMG they evicted Danielle. No way, she shouldn't have gone like that. Totally unfair. Listen to the crowd, you fuckwits. They didn't even give a reason.
Danielle's going all sultry as she's evicted! She's changing back to her old persona! She looks great in that dress. She actually looks sexy!
Damn right it's not fair that Danielle went. It WAS Biannca's decision too, they'd already decided FFS! Glad Danielle has got the hump, she's got every right to be. Danielle giving a politicians answer to the question of the glamour shoots. Good on her. Oh shut up, Emma, stop slut-shaming. Emma Willis could be the new Denise Robertson the way she goes on.
Danielle laughing at the clips of herself swearing - good on her. OMG! Danielle saw 'protection' on the dressing table. Lawks! At least they're using protection. I forgot about that green dress she came in wearing. It was horrid.
Aw, Danielle. You went too soon. But at least it wasn't the first week, and it could have been. Armageddon? Cuntmageddon more like.
Meanwhile, Kimberly boards a flight back to America. Fingers crossed. For her sake.

Album review: Morrissey – World Peace is None of Your Business

Welcome to one of my sporadic album reviews where I go through track by track and say which song of this new album sounds like a song off one of the ’s old albums. Really, what more do you need to know?

I had my first listen to World Peace is None of Your Business yesterday so this is only my second listen, and just like first impressions of Big Brother housemates, all first night/week opinions are subject to change. But it’s a bit boring to review an album a month after you’ve got it, isn’t it? I laughed my arse off on the first listen, this album is funnier than Morrissey’s book.

It made me realise how long it has been between albums, too as Years of Refusal came out when I’d not been with my boyfriend long. We sat in a bedsit in Finsbury Park reading the lyrics when it came out, and laughing at lyrics like ‘it hasn’t!’ and it’s now we’re reading new lyrics nearly six years later. He does like to make us wait.

First up, World Peace is None of Your Business. God, that’s long to write out every time. This was the only song from the album I’d already heard. It starts off with what sounds like a didgeridoo, which is a bit worrying in the current post-Rolf climate. The song reminds me of I will see you in far off places, but I think that might just be the length of the title. It has a kind of Sweetie Pie-esque dreaminess about it in the verses. The lyrics are a bit clunky, but ‘each time you vote you support the process’ is bound to wind people up, which makes it a good lyric. And no, Morrissey didn’t get that idea from Russell Brand. Morrissey virtually gave birth to Russell Brand, so get it the right way round. Always nice to be called ‘a poor little fool’ by Morrissey, too.

Next is Neal Cassady drops dead. Who is Neal Cassady? I don’t know. Some black and white dude according to my Google search. It doesn’t matter, because the crux of this song is the ‘chorus’: ‘everyone has babies, babies full of rabies, rabies full of scabies… get that thing away from me.’ Not forgetting ‘tyke full of gripe.’ He also uses the word ‘nipper’ – I thought that was in the sole domain of Matthew Wright and his panellists on The Wright Stuff. There’s also an Irish sounding bit at the end where just sings no words for a while.

I’m Not a Man has a pointlessly long, almost silent 1.37 second intro… am I listening to a Bright Eyes album or a Morrissey album? This song has a decent level of theatrics and some odd lyrics – ‘beef-a-ronie’?! I can imagine him doing it live. I would plot it on the anthem scale of; not as good as It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore but better than Come Back to Camden. He also does some Chris Martin style ‘woo woo’s. Vegetarians note: there’s some funny lyrics about T-bone steak giving people cancer of the prostate.  I like to think of this song as the antidote to that awful song out at the moment that goes ‘I’m a man, yes I am.’ (That’s a reference for my younger readers.)

I’m not hugely enamoured with Istanbul but my boyfriend liked it. On first listen it made me think of The Father Who Must Be Killed – argh! But it’s not that bad. It’s quite atmospheric, I suppose. I’m not really feeling it – yet!

Earth is the Loneliness Planet of All is the one I’ve almost learnt the lyrics to already; it’s pretty catchy. It has a Spanish-sounding guitar on it and the lyrics are quite mournful. It has quite a good little instrumental bit at the end, too. It should be the next single, if Morrissey’s record label hadn’t pointlessly released almost every album as a download-only single already.

If you’re concerned about the title of Staircase at the University, you’d be right to be. A very strange song about someone throwing themselves down the stairs because of exam pressure. Like, where do you get your ideas, Morrissey, you mad sod? It’s a very jaunty little number for lyrics about someone’s ‘head splitting three ways’. This song kind of reminds me of Mute Witness, in that it has a throwaway, upbeat quality, and you know what? I like Mute Witness.

The Bullfighter Dies sounds like it’s going to be Meat is Murder-style depressing from the title, but is actually another perky one. I like the ‘mad in Madrid’ ‘ill in Seville’ lines. The chorus goes ‘hooray, hooray, the bullfighter dies.’ Who wouldn’t want to sing along to that?

My friend said she’d heard Kiss me a Lot on the radio and ‘it was shit’. I’m just surprised El Moz is getting played on the radio. Besides, it’s better than Let Me Kiss You. But what isn’t? It kind of reminds me of I Like You in that it’s sort of throwaway, but fun.

The first turkey of the album is Smiler with Knife, which is probably one of the worst titles of all time, plus the song has no tune. It plods along, painfully. This is going to be wearing down my skip button.

Kick the Bride Down the Aisle lyrically reminds me of Courtney Love’s new song Wedding Day ‘Break my neck on my wedding day/ She can’t walk but she can crawl’. It’s a funny title although the song is quite misogynistic, but it’s not like we haven’t heard it before from Moz, going as far back as William.. I noticed him doing it in his book as well, writing women off as fat or just lipstick wearers. Like Eminem, Morrissey gets a pass, but let’s not make a habit of it, hey? Why not ‘kick the husband down (or up) the aisle’? Sample lyric: ‘Look at that cow in the field, it knows more than your bride knows now.’ And I’m just pleased he wasn’t saying ‘look at that cow’ to describe the bride. Kristeen Young is also yodelling in the background if you like that sort of thing… I do, but only in short doses. I think I Will Never Marry probably summed up this sentiment a lot more poetically.

Next, unfortunately, is another duff one, but what did you expect from the title – Mountjoy?! Nonsensical lyrics and mentions of ‘man and boy’ – never good. I think ‘droning’ would be a good word to describe this song. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough a title, the next song is called Oboe Concerto. No oboes, please! And no flutes either. This isn’t a great ending to the album.

On the whole, though, three bad songs out of 12 isn’t bad, sometimes it’s only three GOOD songs out of 12. But… there’s no one song that I want to take to my heart and cuddle, either. Still at this point I’m just glad he’s still putting albums out. No, I’m just glad he’s alive.

Luckily, if you got the deluxe version, there’s some more good stuff to come. There’s a high-drama studio version of Scandinavia, which is great to have and true to the live version.

Next is possibly my favourite song of the lot (well done for not putting it on the album proper, Moz!) One of Your Own. It has an almost-underwater piano running behind it and the lyrics, ‘A job half done isn’t done’. Lyrically has that serial killer vibe about it which Moz loves so much. I like the end where he just repeats ‘I have no use for tomorrow.’

Drag the River starts with the sound of the ocean – well it sounds more like the ocean than the river. I’d say it’s quite a standard Morrissey b-side, pretty but not amazing.

Forgive Someone is pretty duff, I must say. Who exactly? Next is Julie in the Weeds, another shocking song title and quite unmemorable except for some interesting sound effects in the middle.

The final song is the hilarious Art Hounds – ‘When you can’t find a table for your fat aunt Mabel you stamp your feet and cry’ – which is brilliant to hear a studio version of, but it’s lacking a bit of the bite of the live version. It sounds a bit slowed down and not as high in the chorus? Also some of the lyrics have changed for the worst, like changing ‘If you cannot stand the real world, take my hand’ to ‘if you cannot stand this fake world take my hand’ which isn’t as good or as cool. You’ve got to love ‘I take 16 pills to send me to sleep and 16 to shake me awake’, though. It takes me back to Something is Squeezing my Skull, which takes us back to Years of Refusal – and where we started.

So that’s it. Funny, silly, dramatic, clever, childish… it’s all there. Now who does that remind you of? 

Big Brother 2014: Come Armageddon come

Nice to have a Morrissey-related title on the day his new album comes out, isn't it? Nicer still to have Armageddon; if only they'd wipe this lot out for real.
So why is tonight's episode only an hour!? Surely we need longer for three new housemates and an eviction. What about the highlights?
Who goes? They decide. Not quite got the same ring to it, has it? I don't trust these lot to make the right decision, that's the problem! They keep fucking it up.
'Mark is feeling regretful.' Five minutes later: 'No regrets.' Mark has 'thrown himself into the full experience.' Well you could have done it on camera and not in a blind spot in the storeroom, spoilsport! Sort your cameras out, Big Brother. Get your angles in order. I like the Mark and Christopher romance. And they know how to get it on DISCREETLY under the covers.
Mark being all cagey around Christopher now and Christopher covering for him, pretending nothing happened. Maybe Mark's parents are really conservative?
I don't even know what Ashleigh and Danielle are getting pissy with each other about. I enjoyed the raft wars yesterday, it was actually quite a fun episode with the focus off psycho Steve and the robot.
Remind me not to tell Ash any secrets, blabbermouth. Aw, Christopher likes Mark 'a little bit.' I think their relationship is so cute and fragile. I don't think either of them know what they want. I think Christopher is right that Mark likes him more than he'd admit. Christopher's Mark impression was startlingly good.
Chris having a little sing to the moon there. It's like Eastenders, isn't it? Only more depressing.
WTF so they nominated yesterday and we don't even get to SEE the nominations! Why aren't they doing it live? Oh I know, so they can fix the result, ie. make it the person with the most nominations as opposed to making the other housemates choose between them if they didn't like that result. I see you, Big Brother! I know your game.
It's got to be Marlon. Please! OMG it was. Thank God. Is he going out with no top on? LOL Marlon is getting evicted naked to no crowd. Hilarity. He seems to be taking it in good humour. I've never seen him so perky. Maybe him pressing that button last week wasn't so bad after all! Byeeeeeeee! Imagine if it HAD been Ashleigh though? I've even warmed to that maggot Ash in the past week. BB was playing with fire there; well, if they hadn't already fixed it beforehand, that is.
Marlon getting interviewed in a dressing gown from Jo O' Meara's autumn collection is quite fitting. It is sad when they don't get the crowd, I think, even if they are an arse. But that's the way it goes sometimes.
Marlon got nominated by everyone, didn't he? Oh, everyone except Danielle and Ashleigh apparently. Feel a bit jibbed that we didn't get to see all the nominations, I would have like to have seen the reasons for Ash, at least.
I don't know why Emma is going Marlon such a hard time about the button pushing thing, because he dug his own grave anyway. He's sitting there in the grossest looking dressing down I've ever seen and everyone in the house will have forgotten his name by midnight. I feel sorry for him really, the sheen really came off. He had no personality, no game, nothing. 
Marlon's best bit was getting evicted in his underpants. And his reaction to the new housemates, lol. Christ, did Emma have to speak to him for so long? Not much time for new housemates, is there? Bollocks.
All housemates up for eviction this week! I hope Steven goes.
LOL Helen's face at the new housemates! Her lips are TIGHT. This is all going TOO FAST. I can't keep up. Couldn't they have made tonight's show an hour and a half? They are showing the VTs, so it's lucky Pauline's not in there.
First in Zoe, a singer from Pop Idol. I don't remember her. She doesn't like lethargic people. You're lucky, Marlon's just gone. She doesn't like people having sex in the house. Well... tough?
Pav. An Asian guy from Essex. Studied psychology so thinks he's the next Dan Gheesling or something, probably.
Bianca is an exotic dancer who fancies Essex boys. She's got some teeth on her. Ooh, she 'says it to your face.' Toya times. God, she talks like Jordan. 'I will be having sex in the house!' Whether any man in there likes it or not. Ha! Love it. Danielle, spare us the fake shock.
The guy seems mildly interesting. The girls look the same. None of them seem like TRUE GAMERS. I want an evil genius in there. I really wish they'd just put some adonis in there that all the girls would drool over. It would be more interesting to see that dynamic and Steven's reaction than this bollocks.
WTF, they are letting these muppets choose who will be evicted this week? That's totally unfair. What if they evict Mark, or Chris or (insert your favourite here). Oh, I know what will happen. They'll take Helen's pass off her midweek and the new housemates will evict her. It's too risky otherwise! Big Brother wouldn't take an entirely pointless risk that would jeopardise the integrity of the show, would they? Hahaha! Of course they would.
It's almost like Big Brother don't WANT our money! Oh, we can boot one of the housemates. Either of the girls will do, then I'll be able to tell them apart. Still, who really gives a fuck about that? I wanted to evict psycho STEVE this week! Fuck you, Big Brother, you old cunt, and fuck Armageddon, too.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel whine.

Big Brother 2014: Wanked all over my face

Intense scenes of sexual intercourse! Dear God. Thanks for the warning. *Switches off show. Ends blog.*
Oh, actually, my friend has a banner in the audience so I'd best stay and try and spot it. Emma looks nice. 
Boos for Marlon, yay. And kind of for Jale. I've voted to evict Jale. COULD she go? Anything is possible. Including another massive disappointment.
Marlon: 'Do I pose a threat to people?' No.
Steven's secret mission... but what the he doesn't know if the real task is... oh, you get the picture.
Ugh, close your legs in the DR, Marlon, you're making me sick. He IS trying to do some gaming, you know. Pitiful, really.
Ah, I did see my friend in the audience! A big banner saying 'keep Ashleigh in' will help with that. Cool! 
Steven going loopy about Kimberly's picture of her ex boyfriend. I like the way Kimberly is kind of laughing at him. I want to see a picture of Kim's boyfriend, too. Actually, I saw some small ones online today and he looked like a cute indie kid. Kim looked carefree and happy in them. Ha, Kimberly saying Steven's reaction of chopping up the photos would be psycho. Steven: 'I feel like someone has wanked all over my face.' Gross. Weird analogy. 'I didn't ask for this' - ha. I can't believe Helen backed him up, that's total madness. Being able to be friends with your exes speaks well of you. Anyone 'chopping up' any photos of any sort is unhinged. I don't think Steven's ever had a girlfriend before. He behaves like a teenager. Or something worse.
Chris is safe. Christopher is safe. Jale and Ashleigh getting booed cos of the patriarchy. Sigh. Still, get Jale out.
Fuck! She cut up the photos! They are Polaroids, too. You can't replace those. He's really done a number on her. She won't forgive herself for that later. Taking advice from HELEN, a known psycho. Kimberly has got some ISSUES. I would never give up my memories for anyone. Steven is psychologically abusive.
Kimberly saying 'I can't show emotion and I'll tell you why when I get out of the house' says to me that might have been abused, so it's no wonder she's flocking to these abusive characters in the house. Very worrying.
Oh God, here comes the graphic bit.
'Love you'. 'No, you don't.' So romantic. Oh my God, the way she said 'I cut up the photos' like a little girl was really creepy. The way Steven holds what his imaginary ex girlfriend did over Kimberly's head is so unfair, too. This is making me sooooo uncomfortable.
Chris: 'I would wait a year for love.' Why wait a year? You're in there so you might as well have a snog and that.
OMG this bit with Steven and Kimberly is so creepy. 'I'll never leave you... unless it was exceptional circumstances.' This is making me feel ill. It's so unpleasant to watch. Urgh and now they're having sex! OMG he has no respect for her or he wouldn't do that in the house. I mean you can do it spooning a bit, but not like that. There's a line. And they were all sweaty! Ugh. So disgusting and I'm pretty OPEN minded. I feel like Danielle now, all indignant. Steven is doing it like he's got something to prove, he's shagging her like he HOPES her ex boyfriend is watching. The man is demented.
Ha, they crowd is chanting 'get Steven out' now. Mega. That will shit him up. OMG they're chanting over Emma reading out the eviction results. The crowd TURNED! You think it would be Kimberly as she's the woman, but no. They're onto him, thank God.
It WAS Jale evicted! I thought we'd done it, you know. There was just a feeling in the air. Bit anti-climatic after all that, lol. I can't enjoy it, I'm too traumatised!
Good on the everyone who evicted Jale though, we can do it when we stick together. Ooh, they're showing all the horrible things Helen said about Jale. Good. That's who you got into bed with. Do you get it now, as you're sitting there? They spelt out very clear for her who the villian was, there. I wonder if she will actually get it. She doesn't seem stupid.
I think Jale's explanation of why she wanted to give Helen a chance was quite fair, that she saw herself in her. Still the wrong decision, though. Emma should have dug her out a bit more about the way she treated Chris. I wonder if Helen will actually care that Jale went in the end?
'Get Steven' 'dirty people' and 'Yes Ashleigh' are now trending on Twitter, haha. Ooh, what did Marlon look like when Jale got evicted? I feel like I need a rewind on that whole part.
OMG Ashleigh moaning about being saved on the bit of live feed at the end. Be grateful FFS. You've got to laugh.
So it's confirmed, three new housemates going in on Monday. God help us. Come, Armageddon, come. I want to see skin falling off, Helen with eight eyes and the Big Brother house reduced to a nuclear wasteland.

Big Brother 2014: 0.3737262 of a Mississippi

I think I might be on Big Brother overload as tonight I've watched two episodes of Big Brother US and we've done our UK Big Brother Bile podcast. We are having a week's worth of Big Brother in one night! God help us. This is what happens when your boyfriend does overtime. It's like a task just catching up with it all and enduring the UK version.
Jale moaning about people talking behind her back... behind others' backs.
Mark getting some outside contact, lol. They've made Mark's eyebrows too SMALL! That's not HD. It's LD.
Those Twitter messages Christopher and Winston saw are so BIASED. Anti Ashleigh and anti Danielle! Winston denounced Danielle quick smart. Boo. Don't worry, Christopher, Winston knows full well what hypocrisy means.
I would SO be making up a few tweets if I was Christopher and Winston. 'The whole country hates Helen', for example.
Kimberly is half being reasonable with Danielle and Ashleigh, but I still don't get why she backs Helen so much. I do not get her taste in people whatsoever. 
The safety app. Well we all know who pushes the button in 0.3737262 of a Mississippi. The biggest twat in the house. And that's a house with Steven, Helen and Ash in. WHY did Big Brother give Marlon the opportunity to do it! I just don't get it. It's obvious the most selfish person would take it.
Christopher told Ashleigh to drain it! Interesting. So he would have been happy for her to do it, but not Marlon?
Ashleigh: self proclaimed 'not a game player.' The others acting all sanctimonious is a bit rich, though. Who knows what they would have done in that sitiation?
Don't get me wrong; I hate Marlon's guts. But this lot being holier than thou is a joke. This could actually HELP Marlon's game if the others gang up on him. He's looking victimised right now. I was SO angry about this last night but the others are looking just as bad.
Winston keeps getting aerated, doesn't he? I quite like that side of him, though. Makes a change from the usual gormlessness.
The others all used the battery too, let's not forget. I can't believe I'm defending fucking Marlon, but seriously. The others are all in one group picking on one person. Is Mark not going to defend Marlon now, lol.
The others are pissy cos they wanted Marlon to go, I reckon. They're not that bothered about food.
Even Ash is having a dig at Marlon! Danielle is the only one speaking to him. Ash is defending Ashleigh! LOL. Desperate. Winston: 'Face eviction like a man.' Yes, not like a woman, whatever you do. Bad timing for the loo there, Christopher, you're missing a row here. Why is Winston so bothered? Why is Ash so bothered?! Mind you, I was so angry about this yesterday. I think I've just given up today. I'm just resigned to it all. Keep talking, Jale. Keep digging! 'You can't pick and choose your friends.' Unless you're Jale.
Steven, you're 23, you've got Big Brother brain, stop talking about marriage. Cut to Kimberly rolling her eyes. Probably when they have sex is the only time Kimberly DOESN'T roll her eyes.
Helen's counselling of Marlon wasn't very comforting. Steven: a bad judge of character? Never.
Ash thought Marlon was selfless? Are you brain damaged, Ash? Jerk.
Loved Helen doing the international gesture for fingering. You think Grimberly would wait until the others are akip. Helen is bold, I wouldn't go near that. OMG her banging her head was funny. Passion killer! I like naught Helen, just not scary Helen. Kimberly probably prearranged the intervention. Who could blame her?

Big Brother 2014: You have allowed me to fall in love with you

I'm only just getting over Grimberly's antics last night and looks like they're gonna proper shaft Ashleigh tonight, too. Great.
So, in tonight's app zone task we get contact with the outside world and very specific information, too, stitching Kimberly RIGHT up. Are all housemates going to get stitched up equally? Will queen Helen get stitched up? Somehow I doubt it.
Steven's mum: 'The housemates are all wonderful.' Are you watching a different show? She shouldn't be allowed to say shit about Kimberly's personal life. Kimberly is twitching. Don't clam up now, Kimberly.
Steven is stringing this out, almost enjoying it. I hate him. 'She needs to start opening up.' Argh! Close it! Stop saying it!
I am going to get sick of this Steven and Kimberly bullshit VERY fast, especially if it dominates the whole show. They're both fake as fuck, neither will see each other outside the house, so why do we have to suffer through this tedium?
Danielle's dog is cute. I used to have a chihuahua. Don't you think that's scary for a dog to have all that emotion put on you like that? I liked the way the dog popped out of the bag on BOTS but they cut that bit. That was the best bit. Can we do a dog swap and have Coco instead of Helen? (Meow)
FFS Steven it's OBVIOUS that Kimberly DID have a boyfriend or she wouldn't be twitching so much! Get a fucking clue, you gorm! 'Intimately involved'. Why doesn't he speak like a normal person? I can't BEAR HIM.
Oh good, they're showing Marlon being sexist twat. Get Marlon out!
Kimberly, you are not IN LOVE with Steven. How could ANYONE be IN LOVE with Steven? Even his own mother would struggle to love him. He's not even a real person. He's a soundbite! Look at his fucking eyebrows. He's not a man. He's pathetic.
Kimberly: 'I forget how to speak.' I can safely say I have never had that problem in my life. I'm not surprised she forgets how to speak though, with him droning on all the time. He's a control freak. He's going to use this as a stick to beat her with, and he's going to enjoy it. No wonder he looks 40.
I hate this 'gossip app' thing. It's so unfair on Ashleigh. Big Brother is just being too unfair right now. Oh and they're stitching up Chris, too. Brilliant. Why are they giving the cunts the advantage?! I can't stand it. My blood pressure is going up, I swear.
Finally, Helen vs Ashleigh, although totally engineered. Mark is at least being fair, saying it's not just Ashleigh. I know Mark plays up the 'voice of reason' thing, but sometimes, he is actually the voice of reason! Ugh, Jale lording it over Chris, I can't BEAR it! I suppose she's never said anything bad about Chris, right? I can't STAND HER. Ash called you a MAGGOT and you're still up his cunt. Stupid cow.
Helen: 'If I was bullying I'd get her on her own.' I bet she fucking would. Like Helen's never said anything about Ashleigh! Fucking nonsense. ARGHHHHHHHH!
I cannot STAND this show at the moment. It's deathly boring, and then horribly unfair. Sort it out or I'm quitting the podcast too, I can't be bothered promoting their shit show when they can't be bothered to actually make it fair, or decent. And I know I'm throwing another strop but this is getting beyond a joke now. It's not fun to watch in any way. I also heard someone has been saved from eviction, which just kills this week. How could they let it happen? In BBUS they RIG IT to keep the popular people in if needed. Can't BBUK sort their shit out?
OMG RED FLAG! Steven: 'As long as you don't have any communication with him.' WTF. How dare you tell someone who they can speak to?! That is a SERIOUS red flag. He is going to use this and use this and turn it into a big pity party for him. I really hope Kimberly wises up and tells him to go fuck himself. I'd personally like to take a match to the whole house. Wankers.

Big Brother 2014: Put 'em on finger blast

I'm back, bitches, by unpopular demand. My post-Matthew strop is over, but let's face it, the material I'm left to work with is not great. Helen: a one-woman mission to put everyone in the vicinity on blast. Steven and Kimberly: the world's creepiest showmance (Marriage! Looking at 'places'! Seriously!) and the mysterious non-union of Winston and Danielle. Still, I'll do my best with the slim pickings. Come, Armageddon, come.
When they're trying to make Christopher an interesting character, you know things are going down the pan, fast. I'm not even commenting on Mark pretending to say things wrong.
Why has Ashleigh got a full face of make up today? Is it a special occasion? Even Danielle's got some lippy on, even if it is a mum colour. Everyone says they don't think Winston likes Danielle, but I think Winston likes the challenge of Danielle. I think he knows he can crack her. And fuck you, Tamara. You knew him for a WEEK. You don't have dibs, despite showergate. Why does no one care about Tamara anymore? Oh cos no one did in the first place, she was just a stick to beat Kimberly with.
Why is Steven listing the ages of everyone in his family as if he's writing a tabloid? The man is an absolute freak show.
Nom noms! Christopher: Steven and Winston. Why bother nominating Winston?! He won't go.
Helen: Ashleigh (shocker!) for being 'one of the biggest gobs in the house.' One of the biggest, so who's got the biggest again?! LOL. Also, she nominated Christopher, because she had to talk to him for 48 hours, as she was stuck in the morgue with him. You're hardly Princess Diana visiting landmine amputees, Helen. You spoke to someone and didn't shout at them for a short period of time. Congrats!
Chris nominated Marlon (thank fuck) for being stroppy. How about for being a total prick? Also, Steven. Well, can't argue with that. No Ash, though? Fail.
I couldn't live three seconds in that house with Marlon, he's disgusting. I can't BEAR HIM.
Ooh, Winston nominated Chris. Boo. I'm not surprised Chris is constantly watching you, Winston, he's probably wondering why your mouth is always hanging open. He also nominated Ashleigh. Trying to get Danielle on his own, is he?!
Ashleigh nominated Ash. Not a great shock there. Ashleigh looks cute today. Ashleigh is in my top three right now. She's got balls. She also nommed Kimberly. Why! Nominate Marlon! You might as well nominate a bottle of shampoo as Kimberly. The shampoo probably has more controversial opinions.
Steven nominated Ashleigh for saying that 'he's too good for Kimberly.'What a prick. That's a compliment. He also nominated Chris for not having a 'journey'. He's ALWAYS gunning for Chris. What's your journey, Steven, getting your heart stamped on by the coldest woman in history? She's so cold she makes that woman out of Catterick look warm.
Here's a shit decision for you, Helen: Pauline giving you the pass to the final. I'm sick of shit decisions being made, too. 'The golden barge...' LOL. Quick, shut the lock. So because Helen told Christopher something about her personal life, she thinks she can talk to him like a piece of crap forevermore. And everyone just sits there.
WTF Kimberly WANTS to live with Steven? Why does she always look like he stinks of shit when he comes within eye-roll range of her?
Oh, nominations are still going on. I'd forgotten. Marlon nommed Ashleigh and Christopher, Christopher for having a go at Helen. Funny, innit?
Danielle nominated Christopher for not inviting her to that crap Christmas party where Mark was squealing like a wounded fox shut in a car door. She also nominated Marlon. Hurrah. Why is no one nominating Ash this week? Can we get Marlon out this week, pretty please?
Kimberly nominated Ashleigh for being 'disingenuine.' Maybe that's a word in America? She also nominated Danielle. God, she really has gone to the dark side. So cool with Ash and Marlon then, slutbuckets extraordinaire? Pathetic. Kimberly: 'I sometimes don't show how I feel.' I've got stuffed animals that are more affectionate than her.
I love Danielle's horror at Kimberly and Steven moving in together. Separate rooms! Ha. I didn't like it when she was being horrible about Kimberly a week or two ago, but Kimberly fully deserves it now, so fuck her.
I HATE riddles. I also hate jokes. Mark's riddle was almost quite good. That's not a good sign.
What are Steven and Slugsworth sniggering about? Pair of cunts.
Oh I thought nominations were over. It's endless! Ash nominated Ashleigh (surprise) and Danielle (boo).
Jale nominated Chris (hiss) and Ash (not all bad then).
Maaaaaaark nominated Kimberly for being 'emotionally closed'. No flies on him, is there? Thank God Mark nominated Marlon. Someone gets it. Mark is the only person to get no nominations! Whoop.
God, imagine Ash and Winston living together? They'll probably move into that old council flat that Josie and John James shared with that third wheel JJ. They'll probably throw in the decks and a magazine deal for free. I'm getting angry now, etc.
Guys, if we can't band together and get Marlon out this week, what good are we? We might as well do a joint suicide pact. If Ashleigh goes, I'm going to be LIVID. It's all decent people and then Marlon. Do the right thing, for God's sake.
What's Helen shocked about? Shouldn't she be happy that Ash is safe?
LOL, 'how could anyone nominate Chris'? The house is full of wankers! That's how.
Who's going to tell Steven that Big Brother IS a game! Fucking idiot. The man is a PRICK. Good judge of character?! He's going out with a FACSIMILE. I'm tired of this knobhead, seriously. He's got to go soon.
Ugh, who's snoring in that bedroom? Gross. Bet it's Slugsworth. Is Steven masturbating or 'fingerbanging' Kimberly? UGH! 'Open it?!' Open what! I'm hoping it was her mouth, but I think it's her rock hard fanny. He needs a bulldozer of some sort. Definitely mining equipment. That was 100% grotesque. That could put someone off sex for life. I'm traumatised. Play it into the house! Show Danielle! She'll probably pretend to faint.
PS: Sorry if you're waiting for the podcasts! My partner in bile is working overtime but we'll be catching up midweek - I can assure you it will be worth the wait. SMH.

Big Brother 2014: Always in the wrong

I haven't blogged all week which isn't a good sign! I think this week has actually been better; they spent a few quid on the morgue task and Winston's moustache was worth the entry fee alone. I enjoyed the ridiculous deaths. Ashleigh proved her mettle as a true gamer; pretending she liked Steven to secure Ash's place on the block. There was more FUN (t.m. BBBOTS) and I enjoyed the showmance between Winston and Danielle. Her luring him into bed then kicking him out was great. Not so much the no-mance between human statue Kimberly and human cringebag Steven. Why DID Kimberly get into bed with Steven? She must be fucking desperate. 'I'm really happy.' Tell your face, then. Danielle: 'I hope there was no hanky panky. Was it a French kiss?' Are we in high school?!
So tonight! It HAS to be Ash, doesn't it? How can it be anyone else?
Marlon to Winston: 'Did you grab her boobs?' No, because that would be sexual assault. This guy is such a cretin. Danielle clearly wants to get her mitts on Winston's Eiffel Tower. Has Danielle really been swayed by Winston's poem/rap? Jesus Christ. She's either mental or one of the top five Big Brother players ever. Either way, she's going deep in the game.
I like Helen telling bad jokes and tipping a drink over herself like the bloke in the cider advert. The blokes probably liked the wet t-shirt too, except Matthew. I saw Matthew's girlfriend on BOTS yesterday, and she didn't seem like a real person, so I think he is definitely gay.
I thought Winston liked Danielle for her 'assets' rather than her personality. I think he DOES want to 'grab her boobs' as Marlon so eloquently put, but he doesn't quite realise all the other shit that comes with it. And I think by the time he does, it will be too late. Hard on talk! Lovely.
WTF has Christopher done to his hair? Mark's little face when he got a cheer.
Why are they chanting 'get Ashleigh out'? Why is Matthew getting booed? This crowd are dumber than Winston. Worrying.
Ugh, friends and family. Here's Matthew's beard. She is super annoying.
Ash, everyone thinks YOU are an absolute tosser, not Matthew. Marlon: 'We're the true entertainers.' You're the true tosspots.
How has Steven twigged that Kimberly is with someone else? 'I can't like you if you're someone else's.' She's not an object, Steven! But she does sits motionless for long periods, so I kind of understand the mistake. Talk about full on. It's obvious from the way she's acting that something's up. She's got a poker face, but not in this instance. Steven is way too intense. Aren't new relationships supposed to be happy? She looks permanently suicidal and he's acting like he's in Eastenders. That's Winston's job, not you.
Matthew isn't going to go, is he? The crowd finally chanting 'Get Ash out' - I think. It's hard to say. OMG it WAS Matthew! WTF. I am AGOG. I might have to stop watching this series. Seriously, he was in my top three. It's too depressing. The show is depressing as hell anyway, but my enthusiasm for it is waning badly.
I don't think I'll be blogging anymore. I guess we'll do a couple more podcasts because I don't like to quit, but I'll be fucked if I'm expending much more energy on this show. I've written this blog ever since Jade Goody vs Shilpa, pretty much every day Big Brother has been on. I've been loyal past the point of sanity. But I just don't want to anymore. I'm starting to think my Big Brother crap online is cancelling out my actual real work online. And what's the point in it? Nothing. Big Brother has no respect for people who love the show. THEY don't love the show. So why should I waste my time on it? Maybe I'll just blog the evictions? I honestly don't know right now, I feel so humpy. It's just so unjust that Helen, Marlon and Ash are in that house and Matthew's not. I'll miss his silliness with Mark.
Normally I wake up in the morning and watch the show again with my boyfriend if he's been working. Not tomorrow. Fuck you, Big Brother. I raise an eyebrow to Matthew and bid you goodnight.